Still the same questions, no answers...maybe I'm not thinking or meditating enough on them. But part of me thinks that I just need to become more human and experience all that is good in this world. And to become a better person rather than a bitter person; lessons I learned from church, AACF, and wise friends.

I've heard many times from different pastors that we need to be centered on God rather than jumping head first into something. There is much wisdom in contemplating what God wants you to do rather than what you want out of life. However, a God sized task is by no means an easy task and I feel that maybe I will never hear what God wants me to do.

To do what is right, to care for others, to love others as yourself, to help strangers in need because they are important to God as well as someone else; All these things, I've seen God do in the bible and also in my life and others I know. However, as broken as this world is, it won't get fixed unless we work together with God and follow Him and His words in the bible.

Anyway, I believe that every person has some good inside of them...despite how I feel about some things, I know that God can do a work in anybody's heart if we ask God to reach out to them. Even now, I believe that God does so much more than we ever see and is at work way before we even ask Him.

God did so much for me when I shunned Him before I ever knew Him. Now I can't stress enough how important God is for this world, for people, and me. Part of me wonders why God would care so much for any of us...and I find that it's because that's who He is...that's His character. Even though bad things happen to most of us, I believe that not everything is part of His will, yet everything can be used for good and for those who love Him.

Anyway, our days our numbered on this earth. Not saying the end of world will come soon, but I'm saying that each person is only on this earth for so long and what a waste it would be if we spent the rest of our days by ourselves rather than with the ones we love and to meet others who are also created by God who are just as extraordinary as God created them to be. Life is too short to be worrying about the people who treat us poorly or spit on us because we are different. And life is too short to be disrespecting those who are different than us and treat them poorly as well. Do you not believe that God loves all people of this earth, no matter how good or how bad they are, or even what they do?

I believe that God can change any person's heart to a heart after His own. I've seen God do it, and I know that He continues to do this every day.

Sometimes I wonder...why did God save me all those years back? What purpose do I have here? I feel like a poor witness, but as my friends would say, "pick it up! Get right back into it!" It's not necessarily the successes that determine our faith, but how we trust in God and try to do what is right for His kingdom.

Anyway, late night rantings...I guess some things I need to do are to just get back to what I should have been doing. It's easy to fall...but it's harder to get back up and try again...but like anything worth while, you need to keep trying. You need to learn from your mistakes and make a better game plan for next time.

Anyway, writing about this doesn't seem to help me answer my questions as I've been thinking about this for the longest time on this blog.

Tactics Ogre for PSP

Link found here.

Definitely buying this game when it drops in price. I can't seem to get enough of strategy games. I'm not the quickest thinker, so I don't do well in RTS (real time strategy), or FPS (First person shooter.) But when I have time to think, then I can make some good decisions. Generally, most of what these games comes down to is learning what moves the computer will make when you do a trial and error run repeatedly throughout a multiple of saves and restores. Yeah, maybe I'm not smart in these games either...but at least I can get through a game over time heh.

Anyway, not much happening in my life now. Just work and trying to get through the day. We had a major cleanup this past day and man, it was a lot of work. I wonder if I don't keep my area clean...will I be fired eventually? And I know the answer is yes.

Well, it was a good lesson that I can be clean if I try. My parents always feel that they did not raise me right in that they didn't teach me how to clean up. This weekend, I'm going to try. I can't keep on living a messy life and I need to get rid of some of these clothes that I've been wearing for awhile.

Yeah, I need to clean up. I need to be a better example...

Anyway, life has its twists and turns, but I think in the end, do we draw closer to God at the end of the day, or do we keep on living our lives without Him. Cleanliness is next to Godliness huh?

Somehow, I've been losing my mind. I don't feel like I can handle all the things going on in my life. I feel like I can't handle being an adult...maybe I haven't grown that much in all this time I've been on earth, but it just seems like all these things are piling on top of me one after the other.

And maybe it's partially due to the fact that I'm not doing anything to help myself either. Being 4th of July weekend I found that I could be resting instead of staying up late but part of me just can't shake the feeling that I want to feel better about life. I want to feel better about being me instead of always feeling like I'm messing up.

I moved home from living in a house with two other guys, because things just didn't work out. As one of my friends put it, "I believe that some people just should not live with each other at all." they're good guys, but I feel that maybe God didn't want me there. I wasn't getting what I needed to get done. I wasn't doing what I should be doing. In the end, God took it away from me, even though I was having a lot of fun being there.

With my job, I feel that maybe God might take that away from me too. I feel that things are getting busier at work and I'm stressing out a lot with the workload of more work...some of it I'm not able to get done. I hate feeling like I'm a bad worker when I can't finish all my tasks, however it's not my workplace that puts those feelings on me, it's myself. In the end, I'm only human and can only do so much.

Anyway, today, I broke down and lost it. I felt like nobody cared and that I should quit this job. I felt so bitter and the events of life and work piling up and me being irresponsible just really got to me. I felt like I couldn't handle this anymore.

People at work kind of responded to me in some sense. And everyone gave some good advice...however, I still can't help but wonder what I'm doing there. What am I doing there that is beneficial for the company? I feel like I'm not doing anything useful there. I wonder what purpose I serve there, but maybe I won't know until years later down the line when I look back at what the company has become.

I wonder what I'm doing here on earth and what purpose I serve here. Part of me feels like I just don't know what to do. I mean, is life just to experience life and live it? Isn't there some more purpose to it than that?

Part of me feels lukewarm and that I'm a poor witness. Maybe I am...maybe I am. Wrestling with God is never easy, and one should not give up on life even when one gets kicked in the nuts. I guess that's the thing, when you wrestle, it's a struggle and you can get hurt; but you experience the living God who wants more for your life.

Maybe that's what I need to do. Engage and wrestle with God and people. What do I have to lose? I'm not living for anything important right now...and if I die, at least I can say that I tried.

Been awhile since I last posted. Just working...it seems like my days are not exciting anymore. Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old. Well, time to go to sleep and get ready for the next day. heh

So lots of things have happened since I last posted. However, I don't have time to write about them all. Guess I'm finally getting sucked into the world and leaving the life that I knew in college. Seems like all I do is work, play, then sleep for a little bit, then start over again. I don't know what purpose I have here or if I am fulfilling my purpose here, but part of me thinks that there's more important things than what I'm doing now.

When I was in Japan I felt like Japan focused only on Japan. I kept on thinking about how much they're missing out on. But when I thought about it some more, the United States does the same things. We don't report news that's happening in other countries as much and we tend to focus on our own people. I guess wherever you go, people will focus on the people that matter most of them, or who they think matter most to the people who watch...

Anyway, I keep on thinking that there's a bigger purpose here, but I'm failing on seeing it. Maybe how I'm spending my time everyday has something to do with that. I wonder exactly why I was created and why am I here? I don't think that I'm going to find any answers any time soon.

Guess maybe the correct thing to do is to pray and ask for direction.

Japanese Language proficiency test Level 3 passed

So I found out my score today online about my test. I got a 70%. Not great, considering that I thought that I should know most of this stuff and I practically have seen all of it before, but I guess it's been awhile since I've actually studied Japanese seriously. I keep on wondering why am I doing this? Why am I studying Japanese? Why do I want to know this language so badly?

Part of me says, "for fun." I guess I do play a lot of video games and would like to play video games in Japanese. Also it'd be cool to understand what people on TV are saying in Japanese. Like those two guys, Matsumoto and someone else. Matsumoto is the bald, dark skinned guy. I guess that doesn't help much...so maybe I'll post a link here.

Anyway, Matsumoto is the doctor guy or the guy who first tried this medicine on this episode. heh. Anyway, be warned, it is crude humor and very Japanese style of humor. heh.

I want to learn Japanese for my future. I spent a good portion of my life chasing this dream, but I always wonder "for what reason?" Should I go on a mission to Japan? I don't think that now is the right time. Should I try to minister to Japanese people? I don't think so...Japanese people tend not to like me for some reason. I think it has to do with me not knowing the unwritten rules.

One of my friends told me of this book his wife read about an American in Japan. It talks a lot about the unwritten rules and nuances of Japan that most foreigners don't understand. You can find the book here or do a search on the book "American Fuji."

I just ordered it now and I'm hoping that I can learn a lot more about what I experienced there. It was really a crazy place to be. So many different types of people, yet they all seem to conform to one standard and criticize those who don't. Part of me feels sad for the kids that grow up there. It is a hard place to grow up in. If I grew up there, I probably wouldn't be alive today. I say that because I was in some of the classrooms in Japan and observed how things work over there. It is a place where you have to earn everything you get. You don't get anything for free. You have to deserve it to receive it. OR, you get something because your group did well or something like that.

Anyway, I'm still trying to process what the heck happened over there in Japan...and I'm not quite sure...I wish that I kept a journal of what happened. But maybe this book, "American Fuji" will help me to understand the things I didn't understand.