Someone noted at one class that "faith is not about feeling good. How you feel doesn't show where your faith is." They said something about faith, but I forgot the rest. I kind of wonder where my faith is at right now. I'm not doing very much for the kingdom and I should pray more. Yeah, things need to start in prayer to God.

Reflections

This class that I've been taking has been a good class, but I wonder if it's going to be like all the other classes that I've taken. Not saying anything about the quality of this particular class, but I'm saying am I going to really use any of this, or is this just going to be something good to know. I know that it takes intentional efforts and choices to really live for God and grow in faith. But mainly, there's more to it than that.

What one person who is taking the class with me is saying from one of the speakers, "it's good to improve yourself and your church, but what is your focus? Are you doing it just so you can become a better person, like some self help type of thing? Or are you doing it for a purpose, so you can go out and bring others to Christ?" I must say that he really thinks things through, which is something that I haven't done for awhile. I haven't really thought too much about this class, and I can say that I have a long way to go in catching up on the hw. Man, I guess I can't keep doing the same things and expect a different result.

The class that I'm taking is called "Perspectives." It's a good class in thinking things through. Most of the time we know the answers, yet we don't think what the big picture is. The class is about changing your perspectives about God and church. It challenges a lot of what we've heard that church is about, or just how the church is run in general. What I've learned is that we're blessed to be a blessing to the nations, ie other people who have never heard about Christ and our neighbors who don't know Christ. What so often happens is that church becomes something that we go to every week and how we can make our lives better. But it's not supposed to be like that.

In the Bible, you see people making great sacrifices for God and their brothers and sisters. It's not that they let other people take advantage of them, but they did things that they could do (which aren't done too often today) to help those in need. By doing that, they helped others get on their feet and come to know Jesus in the process. I wonder, what the heck am I doing here on this planet? What am I doing here that is giving God glory? Am I really doing anything worthwhile?

Maybe one thing that I should consider really, is a short term mission. I have never been on a mission. I feel though that I'm not very effective here. I have trouble even talking to others that I don't know. How can I go to another place and expect things to be different in my behavior? I don't know. Would I change? Would I live more for God? I don't know and I guess I should look to how I can change here first before I decide whether I go or not. It'd kind of be bad to have people support me and have it all be for nothing. That, or supporting myself and going somewhere and finding that I did it all for nothing. Maybe that's just a fear of mine that is overblown, because nobody can predict the future. But I'm thinking that things in the past do determine how we act or what we do. I'm not completely sure about that though.

What the speaker from this past week said was, "Hindsight about what God is doing can give a picture about the foresight." Something like that. Anyway, I think that this class is a class that all people who are considering going on missions should take. Or people who have done a mission should take.

It's called Perspectives. Not an easy class if you take the hw part of it. But to get the most out of it, you should do the readings and quizzes.

check it out at www.perspectives.org

World at war...yeah...it's a warzone out there. I've come to realize that not everything is as peaceful as it seems. But yeah, got to pray more, because God does hear and listen.

Man, I don't have very much time anymore. I've been wasting a lot of it looking for deals. I also don't have very much money either. But, I will say one thing, the things of this world will fade away. I'm seeing that there are more important things out there, but it still doesn't help when I'm still attached to video games so much. heh. Hmm...maybe I should fast video games for lent. It starts next week I think. Man, if I do that then I'd have no incentive to finish my homework. Coffee maybe...Or TV...tough to do either of those. But I think that it would do me good.

One thing that I'm learning is that fasting is not about abstaining from something, but using that time to pray and read God's word in what you would use the time doing the other. Whether it be TV, food, or coffee etc. Man, with my job, I really don't think that it'd be wise to fast food at any time. So I won't do that or else risk getting injured. But, I will fast other things from time to time. Hmm...maybe I need to make a schedule.

Anyway, nothing really interesting to post. Heh, just an update on my so called life. heh. I have things to say, but I really don't want to post those things or else spend time that I don't want to use posting it. Hmm...maybe I will post on the weekend though...

Man, I slept all day today until now...After going to class today, I went home and slept. I think that part of it could be my weird sleeping schedule, but who knows.

on another note...
For some reason, I feel that I haven't been able concentrate on what I need to do lately. The reason being that I'm doing what I want to do first instead of doing what I need to do. Because I'm doing what I want to do first, there's no incentive to do what I need to do and I end up not doing it. It's pretty straightforward...and I'm sure that anybody would say, "duh."

I guess I have the whole night to do what I need to do.

Speaking of class, my parents have talked to me about going back to school when I find out what I really want to do. College was supposed to be that time, but I found that I didn't know what it is I wanted to do. I thought that it was programming, but I found that I didn't do so well in that. Maybe I'll go back to community college and take some class on that again. Community college isn't as tough as a 4 year university, so I'm thinking that it might be something that I should look into.

I've always been interested in video games and I have a lot of experience playing them. It's just that I don't have that much experience making them. I wonder if I'll ever get into making them. It's a tough task to do and it's a really tough business. Things in video games are changing a lot and becoming a lot more realistic. Final Fantasy XII from Square-Enix is going to be the first Final Fantasy to be changed from its first generation of turn based combat to more of an online RPG based combat with different styles of how to fight with your team members. Yeah, things are changing from how I used to know them. They're definitely becoming more advanced as time passes.

Debate on Final Fantasy and Kingdom Hearts

They took this thread down, but on the Squaresoft website, there was one guy who posted something that questioned if Final Fantasy should become more like Kingdom hearts. He received a lot of negative feedback because people liked the old system. The guy who posted it said that he liked the Final Fantasy games, but he was trying to spark some conversation so that he could see if anybody thought that they were a little outdated. Apparently nobody on the thread did.

Jump two years later and now Square-Enix is coming out with FFXII. Maybe someone from Squaresoft read that thread and had some new ideas. Or maybe after playing some of the new games that came out last year, like "World of Warcraft", or "Guild Wars" they had a revelation that it might be good to change. It could be even further back to "Everquest", but who knows. All I know is that there are a lot of creative people out there who have an idea of how to do things better. There will always be someone who can think of something new or how to make something different and that's a good thing. I'm just glad that games are becoming more advanced. Man, it's weird how I can talk so much about video games. heh. I can definitely say that I have a love for video games that has kept me interested in them even when I don't have enough time to play them all.

Rogue Galaxy

They have a post on www.gamespot.com about its release for the PS2 in Japan. It came out this past December there. Looks like a really good game and I'd like to get my hands on the import. However, they might be looking to release this stateside or worldwide depending on how the game does in Japan and how people from other countries might buy the game or not. It is a real time action RPG like Dark Cloud, as it's created by "Level 5", the people who made Dark Cloud and this past year's release of Dragon Quest 8. I don't know too much about the game, only that the people who played the import says that the gameplay and the story is done well. Man, I really need to finish my other games first though. I also need to buy a Japanese Playstation 2 later on. Anyway, it's getting late and I need to get to work.

I'm finding that my thoughts are getting really jumbled lately. Maybe it's the lack of school in my life, but I think that I need to do something to keep my mind up to date. Blogger could be a way to do that, but I really don't think that I want to express myself all that much on this.

With the class that I'm taking right now, I'm finding that I'm really out of practice when it comes down to studying. Worse yet, I'm behind right now, because I'm not really wanting to study anymore. It was really nice to just go to work and not worry about hw. But I think that that's one temptation that I must overcome. Oh well, no sense writing about this, I've pretty much come down to two things, do it, or don't.

There are some good things though that I've been learning my class. God is a missionary God. He was like that from the beginning of time, to now, and even in the future. One article put like this, the Bible is a love story about God's intervention in human history. He intervenes, because He loves the people of this world. I can't understand everything that God does, but I trust that He is good and I've seen that He is good in my own life. I'm also learning that He doesn't treat us good so we can keep it for ourselves, but to bless others. Blessed to be a blessing.

When I think about the things going on in my life, I have seen that I really need to pray more. I've always been a person who binges on things. Video games, movies, TV...mainly media stuff. Then I stop for awhile and do what I need to do. I find that that's true in my spiritual life. I tend to do things well for a couple of days and then I have a hard time getting started when I have things to do. What I'm learning is that I need to do this everyday and be consistent for growth to happen. It's kind of like exercise too. You need to exercise on a consistent basis or a regular basis for muscle growth to happen. One of my roommates said that it was unhealthy to exercise irregularly. It's good to get into a routine that your body will recognize. So I guess I've got to really get back into disciplining myself. And also not to abhor discipline from God.

I think that I need to be less busy and more reflective more often.

Another Friday...

"How could you get fired on your day off!?"

No I didn't get fired. That was a line from the movie "Friday". I was thinking that I should really find a new job soon. I don't know...I don't know what I should do, but I'm thinking that another job that pays more would be better. Heh, it's funny how money can determine where you will work.

Anyway, my parents aren't sure if they're going to stay here so I might have to find another job to support myself or find a better job where I can pay rent and support myself and save up money for something. I don't know what I should be saving for, but it could come in handy when I'm in real trouble. Never know when a car might break down...Or when I might need to just buy a new car, or used...

Anyway, my last option is to move with my parents if they do move. However, I don't think that I really want to move over there to that state. And who knows, they're just talking right now about it.

I also don't know what else I could do as a job. With my broad education, I could get a job doing almost anything that just requires a degree. However, it seems like nowadays, people want specialized degrees or experience in a certain field. I could use my Japanese, but I really feel that my ability in using it is not so great. I guess the only way to get better is to actually do it. Yeah, use it or lose it.

Something that keeps coming to mind is that highly motivated people "will not make plans for the future and let large gaps of time pass by before they do something about it." That's something that I read in my job finding packet. It's true though, if you really want to do something, then you should do it now. I find that I'm really not motivated to go anywhere. Maybe this is a rude awakening...my parents talking about moving. I guess I need to find a new job. Or, really work on my Japanese by either studying every day, or getting a job in Japan. Man, I guess if I really want to get out of this job, then I'm going to have to work HARD and consistently.

Something about character came up today. I really think that I'm not as far as I should be at my age. I guess there are a lot of people out there in the same situation. But, it's never too late to get going.

When I think about things, things could really be worse. I have a feeling that they will get even harder. It's inevitable. Don't mean to get anybody down, but life gets tougher as you get older. But that's part of life and depending on how you lived before, it could determine how rough it is later. Consequences...I guess action reaction does take place a lot. If not always. Oh well...no sense worrying about things, just got to do what's right. Not an easy thing to do.

I prayed when things got worse, and they got better. Maybe the one person's email was right. Hmm...anyway, I don't know anymore. I guess I've got to do what I've got to do.

Funny how adrenal glands can cause you to had a bad day. Today wasn't so bad, but when my adrenaline is pumping, then it can bring about memories that have not been so good. I felt like I was reliving another day. But, I snapped out of it towards the end.

I skipped Bible study yesterday and went to sleep again. I was so tired that I just called my friend and told him that I wasn't going to go. I think that it was because of the superbowl that I didn't get much sleep on Sunday so I was tired Monday. I went to sleep at the usual time on Monday and woke up even more tired. So it was no surprise that when I went to sleep again after my doctor appointment that I was going to wake up in the same funk.

Anyway, today I wasn't tired, but I always am reminded of something in the past that sparks my anger. It could be spiritual warfare, so I guess I should pray.

Someone suggested that I see a Christian counselor awhile back. Maybe I should do that. But then again...I'm skeptical. I'm skeptical that my problems are because of a spiritual force causing me to have bad days or remember all these things. It could very well be that I'm in the middle of a battle. But I'm wondering if I just prayed against these things that things would improve. I guess I'll never know unless I do something about it.

One thing that I'm reminded of is that someone once said that God wants to do so many things and that He's just waiting for people to ask. I'm kind of wondering...if I were more diligent in my prayers for people, would they come to know Christ? Could I be more effective at work? And also, would people change? Sometimes I ask for a miracle for some other people, and when I did pray, things did get a little better, but then when I stopped, things would get worse. I'm not saying that my prayers have a direct influence on what God does, but if I prayed consistently for others that I'm trying to ask God for help for, would things be better? Or would I be disappointed? I guess that's why they're called requests. God can answer them no. I am glad however, that God does not answer every prayer with a yes.

What am I talking about in this post...I don't think that I had a point. I am just writing.

Where am I going?

Someone I talked to today was telling me about boxing. One thing that he mentioned was that if you're not motivated or thinking positive, then you're going to get hit. You've got to be thinking quick and always planning ahead what you're going to do next. He said that they'll be an empty spot where you can punch on their face, stomach, chest, wherever.

He's a guy that I talk to at work. Really nice guy and a pretty smart guy too. He's also a very small guy and he looks like a kid still. heh. But he's a good guy.

What this guy said reminded me of what was said yesterday by the speaker at our church. He said one thing about change. "You can't keep on doing the same things and expect change."

How this relates is that I need a change in my life. Not a dramatic change, but spiritually, I'm really thirsty. I haven't been planning ahead of where I'm going to go or what I'm going to do. And, I'm taking punches.

I guess the thing to do is to get out of the routine and get into some good habits.

I always wonder where I'm headed next.

Hmm...

Apparently my pastor wants the people who are taking this Bible class to teach a 2 quarter series or 3 quarter series about this. I'm thinking...yeah...right...I don't know if I really want to do that given the fact that I really haven't thought too much about what I'm reading when I'm just trying to get an answer down. I've seen that God is a missionary God and that He is much bigger than our limitations, but I'm wondering exactly how one can teach something that is just taught to us and not experienced in real life. I don't know...maybe I'm thinking too much.

Anyway, I'm not sure exactly what I'm doing in this class, but I think that I should be reading right now.

I slept a lot yesterday, and it didn't help all that much. I think being off of coffee has really helped me to sleep easier, but I can't stay awake after work. I seem to have substitute the coffee and soda for junk food. Man, I think that I should stop and exercise. yes...that would be good. Well, all I can say is that I'm glad that I'm not dead. So much to experience, yet there's so little that I really desire to do anymore.

I really have not been someone who goes out and does adventurous things that often. When I went to college, I'd say that I stepped out of my comfort zone and talked to a whole bunch of people. I even made some good friends along the way, but I don't think that many of them would contact me again because I didn't keep in touch. Oh well.

I can say that things have been pretty good though. I mean, to me they're good. I could do a lot better than I'm doing right now, but for some reason, I'm not putting in the effort to get there. I'm not sure why. I only know that I don't have that much time right now with this class, so my future employment is on hold. But I guess I have no excuse because I'm typing this now when I could be studying. I guess I should change that. Hmm...

I got back one of my quizzes from my Bible class that I'm taking. I got a 17/20. Not too bad, but I could have done better if I added some things here and there. I'm still late on the other two quizzes and have to turn in another quiz this Saturday. Man, it sucks to be back in a class, but it's better than doing nothing at all.

I'm kind of wondering if I'm going to actually to do any work in this class. I'm late on two already, and the 4th one is coming up...Man, there is a lot of work in this class. I think that I have this job that I'm at right now so I can do things like this. I guess this job is not so bad after all. heh.

Speaking of work...work sucked today. But I got through it. I kind of wonder how long I'll be at this job. Whether they'll fire me or I'll find another job. But I'm not worrying about it. I don't think that my bosses will fire me anytime soon. Especially when they still need people. I guess if I do a bad enough job then they'll have grounds to fire me. heh. But I'll work better tomorrow so that won't happen.

For our Bible study, we're going over "Celebration of Discipline," by Richard Foster. Some of the things he wrote in the introduction I could relate to. I thought that things would fall into place at one point in my life and they didn't. What he wrote was that he had to get back to the great people of old and look at their lives and also learn from the people of his church to be able to give anything to the congregation and hungry souls that needed God. I don't remember too much else, but I think that he said that he was spiritually bankrupt and that he had to turn to God. Something like that. Anyway, it looks like it's going to be a challenging book to keep up in my life. But, I'm hoping that I can get back into practice what disciplines I should be doing. Reading Scripture would be a good thing. Especially trying to apply it in the real world.

One thing that really stuck out to me was that we can't earn righteousness. Only God can give it. What we truly are will come out, but only God can do the work in us so that we can be what is needed. Not saying that we do nothing, because he didn't say that. As one person put it in our group, Foster says that we're like farmers who plant seeds and make the conditions right for it to grow. We can't make it grow, we just try to make the environment right for it to grow.

Man, the book is $24. I can't believe how expensive it is. Maybe I'll try to find it at a used book store next time. Or Ebay.