Anime Sale

Apparently www.animenation.com is having a sale on Bandai anime like Cowboy Bebop, Escaflowne, Gundam, and other quality anime.

Man, if only I waited a year to buy Cowboy Bebop from Animenation. I got ripped off last year at the price that I bought it at. I did buy it at Animenation, but it cost me $152 and they gave me a used scratched DVD in Session 5 out of 6. I swore that I'd never buy from them again, but this looks like it might be worth taking a chance.

Anyway, I buy from a different anime store now. www.animecornerstore.com has so far given me better DVDs than animenation. But, if you could find it cheaper elsewhere, I'd go with them. However, if you're looking to collect anime, then animecorner is probably the better place to go. But yeah, shop around. www.anipike.com is a place where you can get access to a variety of websites.


The sale is only for this week, so it might end tomorrow.


Anyway, just thought that I'd post this, because Bandai does put out some good anime most of the time. I haven't seen all of them, but the one's I did see besides Saber Marionette, I liked.

I however, probably won't buy anything from them, because I have no spare cash lying around.

Camp planning

We planned for camp today. It was good in that we got lots of progress done. All that remains is just seeing what we have planned through. I have some uneasiness with this, but I'm sure that it will be a good experience.

I stayed up till 4 last night working on ideas. I have the beginnings of what might seem like a lesson, but I will try to turn it into a skit with lessons behind it. But we'll see how it turns out.

Updates
This is a just an update. Nothing too interesting.

On a side note however, our mayor has prohibited serving meals to the hungry in the park after 4pm. The program, kept going by private donations and a collection of churches, was moved to a park because the safety building is going to be demolished.

I can see that there are some problems with the park, but still, after about 2 years, they haven't found a better place. So the hungry went hungry for 2 days, until the city allowed another meal on Thursday night.

Even though it was prohibited, people protested and served on Wednesday despite threats of being cited. My friend attended and said that it was pretty amazing to see how people came to help out. I personally didn't want to go, because I felt like I'd get thrown in jail or something like that. But still, it was a worthwhile cause and if you didn't notice, the mayor responded.

There is no permanent solution to homelessness, but still, efforts must be made here in the city to fight it. Some here in the city may never get off the streets, simply because they need more help than the city is willing to give. Some of the people who are homeless are mentally ill, and basically funding ran out for the places that were helping them, and the mentally ill were left without any support. They ended up on the streets.

Basically, Jesus tells us in Matthew 25:34-46 about the poor. My roommate told me, "when you see the poor, you should see Jesus." I wonder how great God is...and how I'll never really understand Him, until I share in His ministry. I've been part of the ministry for a little bit, but still, I should be participating more.

Giving people food, clothing, and shelter is a good thing, but note that you must be "as shrewd as serpents, and as innocent as doves." Be careful.

Is my help helping people or hurting people?

I am always reluctant to give money to people. You'll never know what they will use it for later. My brother would buy gift certificates from McDonalds and give people those. I'd say that that's a more productive solution than giving people money to buy beer or drugs or knives.

People will take advantage of you if you're not careful. People become dependant when they see that they can. Call me cynical, but sometimes people are homeless for a reason.

However, there are some people who are actually working to get off the streets. Granted that's not everyone, but a lot of the homeless aren't lazy, they just can't find jobs.

It's not that hard to land on the streets. A person could just have some bad luck and find themselves sleeping on an asphalt bed.

However, programs like feeding the Hungry and others that give people what they NEED and NOT what they can USE for whatever they want. Food and clothing are definate needs. In my opinion, people who don't work may never find themselves off the streets. Some as stated before just don't have the ability.

But, ways that are more useful than giving someone a dollar could be creating and funding programs to fight homelessness and help people off the streets rather than hurting people by supporting their bad habits.

We have to question whether or not our help is helping people or hurting people. Is it being used to give them what they need to make their lives better, or are we doing something that is causing them to make their lives worse?

It's not easy. It takes discerning and willing people. It takes time and money. It is dangerous and people need to be consider their safety when they're dealing with homeless people. But, the homeless are people loved by God and He died for them too.

Everywhere is a mission field. This world is fallen.

Life will always have its share of struggles. What matters most is how we deal with them.

What the heck am I going to do for a job? Hmm...still thinking and searching.

"Why am I here?" vesus "What the heck am I going to do for the next few weeks?!"

Someone told me that the latter is more productive in that it gives me something to shoot for instead of shooting nothing in the dark. I'm considering working at Costco or maybe some temporary place until I can find a job that pays well enough.

I've set the day that I'm going to leave my library job. I'm bent on going to Japan and teaching English. I'm confirmed that I'm registered as a kids camp staff for this conference that I'm going to be attending.

The main things that my friend told me was that you've got to make short term goals, intermediate goals, and long term goals. Short term goals to reach the intermediate goals. And Intermediate goals to reach the long term goals. The long term goals will come if you work on the short and intermediate first. A way of building a hill from the first pails of dirt to something larger. It will grow as you continue to build.

My friend is very wise, and I know that better things will come if I keep his advice.


Kid's scare me!

I don't know why I signed up for the camp as a staff person, but this is a leap of faith that I wanted to take. I wanted to be part of something positive, and with a lot of prayer and preparation, I know that things will go well. Maybe not as I expect, but definately this is in God's hands.

Frankly, I'm not sure what I've gotten into. I don't know what to expect, and I don't know how to deal with kids. But I figure now is as good as time as any. Better to learn now instead of learning when I'm old and just plain cranky. Hmm...

Also, I wanted to see what teaching would be like. I'm hoping to learn how to deal with kids so that I can be a good teacher in Japan. I know that one camp won't make me into a good teacher, but this is a stepping stone where I can get my feet wet and learn.

Video games

Heh, I've come to an obsession with video games in Japanese. Especially the ones by Squaresoft, now Square-Enix. I find that I'm having to start over a lot because I can't understand enough of the kanji to know what they're talking about all the time, but I'm getting the basic jist of it.

It is so cool, because I'm seeing how people actually talk and the different speech levels in text. I know that I should learn how to speak the actual standard dialect, but this is a little application for me as to how people actually speak. $80 down the drain though (Yeah, I bought a lot. )

Goals
My goal of working for a video game company translating texts is a very long term goal. I cannot speak and understand enough Japanese to be of any use. Plus I don't have that much translating experience to put on my resume.

My intermediate goal is to publish my own translations of manga (Japanese comics) on my very own blog. Maybe someone will see them. Maybe nobody will know about them. But it's a start.

My daily goals will vary from day to day. But mainly I plan to study Japanese two hours each day. Not every day, but most of the days. Japanese will be my breath, life, and love...for now.

Don't get me wrong. God will always be first on my agenda. Without God I wouldn't know what I would do. I've been helped so much by Him that I owe my life to Him. Life is tougher, but life is definitely better. Better in the sense that I now have an identity, a purpose for living, and hope that this world is not lost.

Anyway, I'm not perfect. As of right now, I'm just trying to get by each day. But I have hope that things will get better.

Missed church again...next week, I'll go for sure

My conversation partner's thinking surprised me. He is from Japan and told me that he could not afford to make friends with his classmates, because they all have broken English and it's not good for his practice.

I was surprised, because I think that he must be very lonely. I can sort of understand how much he wants to learn English, but to the extent that you don't have any friends is beyond me.

Anyway, he's a good guy. The highlight of our conversation was about stereotypes. He told me that he doesn't want me to judge Japanese people as a certain way because of how he acts, and likewise he told me the same about Americans with me. We're all human and not perfect. This was unexpected, and I'm pleased to know this guy.

It just reminded me that until you get to know someone personally, you will not see why they are the way they are. Their good points, their bad points, their uniqueness.

This Messed Up World

I saw "City of God" last night. Man, were there some things messed up in this world. Basically the movie was about people from this slum in Rio de Janeiro (spelling?). People living in poverty tried to make life better by taking up crime and selling drugs. It kept on spreading to the next generation to the next. It showed three generations of thugs. Plus corrupt policemen.

I was shocked throughout the whole movie. I've never been exposed to how tough life is in poverty and the things people do in the rest of the world. It shows me just how much kids take in at an early age and what they could become.

I thought the movie was good though. Good camera work, good plotline, characters that were interesting. It was based on real life events, but it angered and shocked the heck out of me. This is a fallen world. And I need to do something to make this place better.

Here in the US

I keep thinking that the American dream is overrated. To make money and live a comfortable life in suburbia with 2 kids. I think that there's nothing wrong with this. However, for me, I don't want to live my life and find that I have missed out on some of the greatest opportunities there are. I'm finding that I am missing out on a lot.

I stepped out for a bit

I ended up not going to my friend's going away party. I felt like I just want to stay home and be a lamer. Anyway, he is going to seminary and will likely become a pastor or something. He was our middle school leader, and I think that he did a good job.

He's one of the few people at church that I do talk to. I know that I missed out on some good things today, but I felt like I need some time to just think.

About dreams turning to dust

About that last post, the song mainly says that God understands what you're going through, and that He wants you to rely on Him. It talks about taking His hand, and walking where He leads. Keeping your eyes on Him alone. And not saying that the days were better when we didn't know Him. I have strayed away from Him for a little bit, but the turn of events have seemed to have turned me back to Him.

Anyway, I'm doing alright. I've seen that things don't turn out the way you want them to all the time, but life has its ups and downs. I've been through a lot, but life has become better since I came to know Him and get involved with a church.

When dreams turn to dust...

That's the second line of a song called "Take My Hand and Walk Where I Lead." I heard it on the car on the way back from the art fair.

I mentioned before that I was trying to let go of something, and I'm slowly being helped on that. Dreams. I have some dreams and goals, but some of them seem unlikely.

Dreams turn to dust, and some dreams never come to reality. But hey, that's life. It was only a dream, and now I have to move on with my life and make new ones.

I wasn't too happy about it, but I know that I'm making the right decision.
As of right now, I know what I need to do, and what I need to let go of.

Rebuilding and rethinking

I think that some parts of my life need to change, some things need to be broken, and some things need to be rebuilt. Most likely, that will happen with a lot of hard work, and pushing dreams aside for now.

Ouch, Painful!!!

Those of you who know what I'm talking about will get the jist. heh. GC man, GC. heh. Yeah, if you're a woman, I'm sure that you wouldn't have found that funny, because the movie that was made was some guy humor.

heh. But yeah, kind of taking a twist. Through the painful times, I've grown the most and have turned to God the most. Other believers have helped me on the way. A few key people here and there. But most of the time, it has not been through one person, but many different people. The people that helped me the most were at, of course, AACF. Hence the title from a movie made my CA and GC.

The end line of that movie was, "Want to meet nice people? Come to AACF" Of course the movie was taken out, but yeah, the last line was true for me. I'll bet you can get the jist of what happened in the movie, but yeah, you have to see it to understand. I won't post it though.

(Deleted) I figure that I'm not one to teach others. On the net, there's no follow up. I can't teach other people how to live for God. From now on, I'm going to try to refrain from teaching unless I feel that I should really say something. I'll try to state my opinions instead.

Back to pain...pain is something that can be used for good. It can help us to understand what another person feels (empathy). It can help us to put ourselves in another person's place (sympathy). Remembering Hebrews (the book in the new testament), we have a great priest who can sympathize with our weakness.

It's never fun, but I feel that it's necessary to become a mature and a well rounded person. However, don't take all my statements one way, because there is bad pain too.

If someone's beating you up, or doing bad things to you, then you should find help from maybe the police or someone. There is a difference between good and evil.

Always remember that you can't take statements all just one way. You have to think for yourself as to what is right and what is wrong. Just because someone says something, doesn't make it true. And it's good to question things to get clarity or find a deeper truth. But, think for yourself.

Einstein flunked math in his elementary school years. He would always ask "why" this, or "why is it this way?" His questioning brought him to a greater understanding.

A friend told me that she doesn't think that we're supposed to accept things as unknown all the time when it comes to faith. I believe that she is partially correct, yet I still believe that there are some things that God intentionally leaves us guessing at because it's not stated in the Bible.

What about infants who die and never hear the gospel? What about people who have never heard about Jesus? In the "Faith" portion of Philip Yancey's book, "Reaching for the Invisible God" he kind of addresses this.

He mentioned, "if God said that all infants under a certain age would go to heaven, couldn't you imagine the crusaders killing all the infants until there would be nobody left?" (paraphrased). I think that God leaves us with some unknown questions, but still, I don't think that we should leave it at that and be ignoranant and not think about some things like this. (The last sentence paraphrases what my friend was saying.) How then should we think of the answers.

Unfulfilled
A month has passed by, and I find myself in no better position than I was a month before.

Goal: Tomorrow, I'm going to study Japanese, journal, and read up on where to find tools to teach ESL.

All in!

We played poker tonight. $5 buy in, Texas Hold 'em. Winner got $25. 2nd got $15. 3rd got $5. I got fourth. heh. It was cool. I just played for fun. I don't play necessarily to win money. But still, man, $25... Anyway, it was fun. I raised on almost all the hands, and won most of them. But I went in on a hand that I shouldn't have went all in on a flush draw when I had the lowest possible card, a 2 of diamonds. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, that's not what took me out.

Anyway, we hung out a C's place and played until 12am. M L won, St got second, and M, J's boyfriend got 3rd.

I got one good hand though. I went in on some bad cards and ended up getting a straight. M, J's boyfriend had a 3 of a kind, so he went all in, and I called him on it. He could have taken me out on another hand, but didn't go in. S T won that hand, but he got out before me. J's boyfriend did pretty good, bidding his hands wisely.

The most crazy hand of the night was when the 3 left all had high cards. Pocket Jacks, Ace 10, and Pocket Queens. Everyone went all in. Needless to say the Pocket Queens won. The only downfall was that he didn't have that much money, so he tripled his money, but still came in third. J's boyfriend. He's not too bad.

I got taken out by the M L when he had pocket 10s and I had a Queen 4 (I think). No queen came up, so I lost.

But it was good. And I'm glad that Mel could get some money. He's pretty good at calculating his chances. I on the other hand, don't really care, so I play almost every hand. heh. Only if I think that I'll lose, with crappy cards, then I think that I'll stay out. So I do care, but try not to care.

Good fun. Makes me never want to go to Vegas, because I know that I'll do good, and lose everything I have later.

A Special day

One of my friends became as old as me today.  It was a good day.  A celebration of his coming into this world (as one of my friends put it for my birthday.)  It was a really good celebration, as a lot of people came out and congratuated him on turning a year older. 

We went to Claim Jumper.  The food was okay.  I should have gotten the chicken fried steak.  They gave M a lot!  Man, the meatloaf was okay.  I think that I prefer the chicken fried steak. 

The waiter asked C if it was his birthday today.  He pointed to the guy next to him trying to pass it along.  At the end, the waiter brought out some ice cream and cookies for him with one candle in it.  I sang to C and he said that he'd stab me with the spoon for some reason.  Maybe he was embarrassed. 

For some reason he didn't seem all that happy today.  I don't know why.  But I respect him, and a lot of other people that came tonight.  Granted there are other people that I respect that didn't come, but yeah, I respect my friend a lot, because he treats people really well. 

One of my friends, a different guy, is kind of shy.  If you talk with him one on one, then it's no problem.  But in groups he has trouble.  At senior sendoff, I joined in my shy friend, and my friend that I respect a lot in a conversation.  It was small talk, but it just showed me that he really cared for my shy friend. 

Sorry guys, I believe in not telling too much information and I am being redundant.  But, this community that I've been in has been really great.  I don't deserve to be with such great people, but hope is that I will help someone else, as my friends have helped me and help other people.  

Working on...

Working on getting a job, myself, friendships has been getting a little better.  I'm going to see a temp agency soon.  I will be seeing if they can hook me up with a job that pays a little better than the one that I'm in now.  I was offered one for Tuesday, but I could not take it because I didn't give my bosses enough warning.  Really, I need to give them some time to hire someone else. 

But things have beeng getting better.  I'm currently trying to let go of something, and I think that it's working. 

Matthew 6:33-34  can be found here.   I tried to type it out, but it came out a little different.  Man, need to remember verses a little better. 

 

Faith is not easy...
I'm reading through Philip Yancey's book, "Reaching for the Invisible God."  To tell you guys the truth, I'm struggling in my faith.  I think that this book is very helpful to everyone who has faith; has had a bad experience with Christians; been scarred in some way by the church. 
 
The church is not perfect, and it's far from being what we make it up to be.  A lot of people who don't believe see just how short we come. 
 
Philip Yancey talks about his own struggles with faith and other people who are well known and have struggled with faith.  Some of the past, some of the present.  He also mentions people who he respects as Christians and their struggles.  Why do they believe despite the bad things that happen to them? 
 
I'm going over it again, because I need to be reminded.  Reminded of what?  Well, just that I'm not the only one struggling with faith.  Also the fact that there are reasons to follow and continue following. 

I prayed for growth, and here it comes.  No matter how far I backtrack, I need to move forward somehow, and get further ahead than where I was before. 

I'll refrain from how I've failed or how I've been tested, but still, I'm doing okay.  Nothing bad has happened. 

Job hunting

Looking for a job hasn't been fun.  A lot of jobs require a lot of business.  Personally, that's not what I want to do.  I think that my only option right now is teaching English in Japan.  I have an idea of where to begin, so I'll start there and prepare before I apply.

I cannot do the dream job that I want.  I can barely understand anime without the subtitles.  I understand about 50%.  There's just so much more that I need to learn before I can express myself clearly.  But I guess it all comes down to using it and practicing it. 
It is good though that the US is really picking up in anime. 

Where do I belong?

I am thinking that I don't really know people outside of the church that well.  Don't get me wrong, being part of a group of believers is important.  But, I find that I just don't have that many friends who aren't Christian.  As of the past three years, I've seemed to severed my contacts of people who are outside of the church.  I'm stuck within this Christian bubble, and I really need to do something to change this. 

I have trouble talking with people at work, but I do to some extent.  They're really great people, and I think that I'm really going to miss my office here at school.  There are so many people out there who are not Christian who are really extraordinary.  There are some really good people out there. 

God created all people in His own hands.  I cannot understand the great love that He has for all people, only that I am trying to see people as people, and hope for the best for each person. 

Don't get me wrong.  I get jealous, I get frustrated, angry, and even upset at others.  Even sometimes I wonder how I can get along with some people.  Sometimes I don't. 

But someone said it best, "Treat people the same way you want them to treat you."  Not always meaning that you treat them how they treat you, but to treat them how you want to be treated. 

Also, don't get me wrong either.  If someone is treating you badly, then you use your best judgment and do what you think is best.  If you have something against someone, try and tell them what you have against them, instead of bearing grudges.  It might actually work, depending on how you bring it up.  Anyway, life is not easy. 

If you disagree with what I said, then that's cool.  I don't have all the answers, and I do what I think will work.  But once in awhile, I take a crazy chance of being rejected, and actually succeed. 

Sunday, the busiest day of the week

Today was a very busy day. Last night, I spent time playing video games with my younger brother till 1:30am. I woke up around 8:30 and walked the dog. A lady yelled at me because I let my dog pee in her bushes, but I guess if you spend a lot of time on your yard, I guess you would get fussy over a dog causing your plants to wither.

But still, it just shows you how much of an importance that people place on certain things. This is not the first time that I've been yelled at for the sake of my dog. And I'm not complaining, people can harbor bitter feelings if they want, it won't hurt me. Even though I did feel kind of bad and yelled "sorry", I'm not going to let her play a big part in my life. Really, I try not to care what other people think, even though I do to some degree, it's not important if a person thinks you're this or that.

(I'm going off on a tangent, but I do believe that how people feel is more important than what a person thinks. So, now I know not to let my dog go in that lady's bushes. I could care less if she thinks that I'm this or that.)

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, 'Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you so that you may be sons of your Father in Heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:43-48

Jesus said that, maybe not those exact words, but he said that in the Sermon on the Mount. You can find it here

Note, a preacher once said that you should always look up the verses for yourself, because someone could be telling you anything, and you not knowing and seeing for yourself could believe what they say. It could be totally off, and you might not know it. Doesn't matter if they're a pastor, someone high up, or whatever, always look and think for yourself. You could be in a cult without knowing it.

Anyway, after the incident with the lady...heh. I got back in my house afterwards and started practicing piano. I was supposed to play for both Japanese and English service today. It was already 9:00. It takes me 30 minutes to get to church. English service starts at 9:30. I thought, oh, I won't miss much...just worship and maybe part of the message. I play only the postlude at the end, so I don't have to be there for the whole service.

But wow, did I miss a lot! I missed this really awesome testimony of what God had done in someone's life. A mother at our church gave a testimony of what God had been doing in her life and her family's life. I was amazed that miracles do happen today. I know that they do happen, yet this is the first time that I've ever heard of some crazy incident happening to cause something good firsthand.

The sermon today was about People of Faith. The person giving the testimony was asked to share about what God was doing in her life, and she remarked that it was more of a God who is faithful and we who just follow.

Anyway, I think that they talked about Moses today. I don't remember too much of the sermon, because I was falling asleep, but the testimony I stayed awake in. But I remember that the Pastor spoke about Abraham and how he didn't know where God wanted him to go, he didn't know why he was going, but God said go, and he went. Even though he didn't know where he was going. I think that the passage was in genesis and they used Hebrews (a book of the new testament) to recap what they were talking about. The pastor spoke today about not just giving of our money to God, but giving of our time, using our hands. That is more important than what we could give out of our pocket. (Also note, if you think that God is talking to you audibly, then I think that you should check it out with other people, because you might not be hearing God. It could be that you might need to see a doctor for help.)

It's not a sign of a healthy church when you have trouble getting people to serve out of a willful heart. I don't see what impact we're making on the community. And when we do some small things like hungry feeding, not too many people show up. Granted I hardly show up, but really, there are only a handful of faithful people that I see doing service. Granted also that there's a lot of ministry that I don't see. But man, God has given us so much not for ourselves, but so that we, like Abraham, will be a blessing to the nations. Not just far off, but here too. Makes me wonder what I'm doing here. I'm not that faithful, and really, if I want to make a difference, I need to be.

Japanese service

I played for Japanese service. Man, the person who plays piano every week for the Japanese side has a big job to fill. I think that they wanted piano music for 5-6 parts of the service. Of course, I haven't been playing piano for a long time, so I messed up in a lot of the service parts. People thanked me regardless because I played for their service. Plus, I played some of the same things in some of the parts that they let me choose what I wanted to play, so it wasn't that bad. heh

Anyway, it was stressful. I was nervous, but it was fun after I look back on it.

One thing that really kind of makes me reluctant to go to Japanese service is that I feel a tension between me and the people that I talk to from the Japanese side. I don't know, but I think that I come across as rude, because my Japanese skill is not good, and I probably sound really just informal. I mean, in English, you talk in different levels too, like when talking to your boss, you don't say, "Yo! What's up?" you say, "Hi, how are you doing today?" Something like that. Anyway, I speak informally, and I think that because most of the congregation is elderly Japanese people, I'm using the wrong speech level. Plus there is also tension, because I can't understand a lot of what they're saying either. But I guess that's okay. I'll learn if I put my mind to it.

Anyway, I was tired. My friends were waiting for me after Japanese service ended. Some of the Japanese members asked me to join them for their get together of lunch, so I did, and ate some. My friends still waited for me and N and actually looked for us. Man, what good friends I have.

I went to eat lunch again with my friends. heh. But man, my friends could see how tired I was. I wanted to go home.

I don't deserve such kindness

N invited me to eat dinner with him and his housemates. Wow, they were so nice to me. I don't deserve to be treated so nicely, but they were very welcoming. They invited one of their other friends over too, and she talked about this thing bugging her, which I won't go into, because I don't know who's reading this. But, yeah, it wasn't stressful, because the two people who owned the house were very mature, and the husband had some good advice to give. I was very impressed and amazed at their maturity. It was very interesting to listen to her speak, because she was going off about this topic and the funny things that she would do to conceal it. It's nothing bad, but it was funny.

The food was awesome! All Japanese food, except the Kim Chee. Man, it was soo good! I felt like this was way too good for me. Man, I would pay about $20 for something this good! N liked to cook in Japan, so he was pretty good at it. Man, it was good.

Anyway, enough about the food. I wish that G could have made it.

Anyway, I say that I don't deserve their kindness, because I felt so unworthy of how good they treated me. They talked with me, even though I'm not very good at talking. They included me, even though I tried to distance myself. They helped me feel welcome, even though they didn't know who I was.

N is such a good guy. I hope that he will come to know the Lord someday. I guess it all starts with a prayer, and then more prayer, and just the two commands. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and with all your mind and strength. And the second is love your neighbor as yourself.

I struggle with those two commands everyday, because love is not an easy thing. Who is your neighbor? The person sitting right next to you. The person on the street. The person who is selling you something on the phone whom you don't want to talk to. The person who annoys you. The person who hates you. Everyone is your neighbor. It's not simple to love your neighbor, because your neighbor might just tear your head off if given the chance. Or might not respond well to you. But still, that's what being a Christian is about. I keep on thinking, what can I do, and will I be willing to do it.

I'll stop now. But yeah, it was such a busy day. I'm tired, and I'll probably just go to work tomorrow tired.

But yeah, I could have missed out on so much if I didn't go to church. It was such a good day, even though I didn't enjoy all of the day, it just shows that God can bless you through little things and can grow them.

Anyway, don't think that I'm some super Christian or some really great guy. I'm okay, and I fail a lot. I have lots to work on in my life, and the people that I see who have grown so much, like my oldest brother, were at one point where I am right now. It takes work to become someone great.

Someday, I'll look back at myself, and see just how far I've come. I've come a long way since the day that I decided to end it all. The end didn't come, because of a miracle.

Anyway, I'll write about it later. But yeah, the jist of it all is that I yelled at God saying, "How could you let me go through all of this, if you're real! How could you let me suffer so much!"

I had heard that God loved me from one of my friends. The first time that I had heard that God loved me.

After I yelled those words out in my head, (I didn't yell it out verbally, but thought it out really loudly), I felt something that I had never felt before. Peace. And I fell asleep.

In the morning, I felt a little better, but life sucked as usual. It wasn't until a year or two later that things started to get remotely better. But yeah, I'm amazed at how things worked out, because my brother was praying for me. Miracles do happen. Not how you want them to, but they happen. Despite how bad things may seem, or how bad things are now, life can get better.

I don't know why I'm here still, but there's got to be a reason. Anyway, hope you guys out there are doing well. No matter how much life beats you down, get back up and try again. You can do it! Just trust that things can get better in time and work to make things better.

July 3rd and 4th

On July 3rd, my roommate let me use his memory card for the playstation to beat FF8. Compared to his guys, my guys were really weak, because all were at level 30. His main character was at level 100, and the other two at around 60-70. His other characters were at the same level as mine. Level 30. Crazy.

Anyway, the end boss was pretty hard. I spent 1 hour and 30 minutes trying to defeat him, and when I finally did, the game crashed 10 minutes into the end scenes.

But that's okay. I just wanted to beat the game, so I could play my other games.

I stayed up till 6am on Saturday night doing this and overslept for church.

Anyway, July 4th I spent at the park with my friends. Gar S. called me up and asked me if everything was alright in the afternoon on Sunday. I had just woken up and was feeling alright, but still tired. Because I missed church, my friends were wondering where I was. I guess they had tried a couple of times before, but I guess I was sleeping very soundly. ugh.

Anyway, I repeated the same thing last night. I played video games until 6am again. I slept in till 2pm, and fell back asleep until 5pm. Man, is this what my career is coming to?

4th of July

At the park, we watched fireworks. It was a good show. Even though we had to wait from 1pm till 10:30, it was worth it.

It made me happy to see all the flashing lights and to hear the explosions of the super novas. I kept on thinking about what life is truly about during that time. I have so many dreams that seem impossible to fulfill.

I know from experience, that nothing will happen, unless I make it happen. Not saying that you force things to happen. You don't have control over everything. But, what I'm saying is, if you want something to happen, you've got to take a chance and start something in your life. It may not pay off, or there is some crazy chance that it might.

I knew that I wasn't going to go to college with the grades that I had in 10th grade starting from 9th. I had a 3.25 avgerage, and I knew that I couldn't get into the college that I wanted to if I didn't work at it. I cut all video games at the time, and devoted myself to studying. I got 4.0s in all classes in my 11th grade year. That was good enough to raise my GPA to a 3.50, and good enough to get me into the college that I saw all my siblings go to and have dreamed about since I was a kid.

So I guess these crazy dreams that I have can become true. I just need to do the right things and focus on where I am going.

Sacrifice

I never would have gotten into college unless I had sacrificed my video game playing time. If you really want something, you have to work for it.

I feel like maybe I'm wasting my life here playing so many video games. I shouldn't have started again, as I have neglected my studies since I started. My Japanese was getting better...however, since my brother was in town last week, I played video games with him, and got started once again.

I guess I have to determine what is most important to me that I would spend what is limited...my time and my money.

The South Korean who was executed about a couple weeks ago has been on my mind now and again. Apparently he was a Christian and studied Arabic in hopes of being a missionary in the Middle East.

It is terrible that he died the way he did. I can't imagine what kind of people would do such a thing to another person.

Brother, I know you're in a better place right now. I hope that the people who did this to you will be touched by God in some way so that they will do good instead of evil.

On a separate note, I haven't blogged for awhile, because I felt that there was really nothing to say. I had nothing really interesting to report.

One good thing that happened to me recently though is that I have gone through some trials and I think that I am actually growing. I don't want to write too much about this, because I have not accomplished them yet, but am in the process of doing them and applying them to my life.

Small steps over time equal a great distance in a lifetime. Sort of like, one small step for man...heh. J/K

This past week, Jessica had a party at one of our friend's houses. heh. She was house sitting for them, and it was nice of her to open up their house for us. =) Actually, she got permission from the people to do this, so it's not like we did this behind their backs. But man, what a view that place had!

At the party, I didn't talk too much, and I felt kind of left out. But I soon realized that I have a lot of work to do on myself to become more social and a part of a community. I personally think that people are uncomfortable around me. Partly because I don't talk that much and I didn't make any effort to get to know them. (Yeah, really lame.)

My brother was right in saying that the more of a complete person you become, the more attracted people will be towards you. I look at some people who are really good at socializing and see just how people respond to them. It's fun to watch, because some of the things they do are really simple and just take some practice. I was surprised at how some girls were attracted to this one fellow who seemed to make some effort even though he was not (in my opinion) very masterful and made mistakes, yet interacted with others and people seemed to generally respond well to him.

Sometimes you don't have to be good at something to actually do something. It takes effort and practice, yes, but you'll never get better unless you try.

One thing that amazes me is internationals in the US. The US is not a very nice place for people who don't know how to speak English well. I think that generally, most people aren't very patient with others who can't speak English that well, because most Americans haven't traveled to other places and haven't tried to learn other languages besides in school. Granted it's not everybody who is like this, but generally speaking, there are lots of comments about people's English ability.

Don't let that discourage you from coming to the USA if you don't speak English well though.

the reason why I say that I'm impressed by internationals is that they leave everything that's familiar to them, and come to a foreign land and learn in a foreign language. True, that some of the internationals learn English in their home countries, but learning a different culture and being able to bounce back at misunderstandings and fitting in with the people really impresses me. Most of the internationals that I have met are very mature and seem older than they really are.

I wonder if I go to Japan and try to fit into the culture there, if I could handle it.

Anyway, enough babbling about this.

I just wanted to write that I don't know why Kim Sun-Il had to die this way, but for some reason it happens. I wonder if I would be as bold as him to go to the Middle East for a mission. Am I prepared to die? I don't even think that I have even known what life is all about. Makes me wonder how I'm living life now.

I've always wanted to make a positive impact in this world. I've wanted to change the world in a better way. It's very hard to do this, but there are small things that one can do that can be of some use. Basically what it comes down to is God and people. God has the power to change the hearts of men, and people have to go out there and be willing to be used by God to make a difference. Something that is not easy.

One more thing, about an earlier post. If your friends are causing you to do stuff that's wrong, then you need to be smart about what you're doing and get away from them until you can say no. It's not good to try to make a difference in people's lives if you aren't making a difference in their lives. If you're being influenced by other people to do wrong things, then you should get away.

I've had one experience where I tried to help out another person, and I was basically falling because of him. The only person who told me what I needed to hear was someone very close to me. This person was the only person who told me what was right, that I needed to break my friendship with this other person. I personally thought that the dangerous person (the friend that I needed to break friendship with) might have killed me someday if I stayed his friend. You've got to look at reality and see if you're in danger also. If so, then you need to get away.

Just thought that I'd write that just in case anyone is going through the same things I went through.

Dinner with my teacher

Yesterday, after a really short notice from my roommate, I went out with my roommate, two other guys and one of our Japanese teachers for dinner. It was supposed to be at an Izakaya, (I'm not sure how to translate that except sort of like a cafe where you can drink alcohol and eat.) Yeah, the food was good! Nobody drank anything though, despite how I've heard from my TA how much the Japanese teacher's drank at one party. heh. I guess my teacher needed to drive home too.

Anyway, it was good. I hardly talked, because I could barely hear anything in that place. The environment was close quarters with a lot of people. I couldn't catch everything that was said. The one time that my teacher talked to me, I didn't even hear what she said.

But, still, even though I acted so quiet that night, I had a good time. I'm surprised at how much one can say with such a limited ability in Japanese. My friends weren't using hard words, but they were able to express themselves quite well.

My teacher looked a lot better. The last time I saw her, she was pregnant with her second child. I think her second, or maybe first. Anyway, I'm glad that she's happy.

My Japanese ability is increasing. Each time I use it, I'm gaining a little more knowledge. I'm just getting so lazy now that I don't have to do anything anymore, besides work.

Anyway, if I want to learn Japanese, I'm going to have to work hard to use it and keep it. It's so easy to forget something that one has learned. Right? I mean, how many of you remember the information from classes that you've taken?

I read today about a South Korean being held hostage in Iraq. you can find it here. I wrote in an earlier blog that it was good that missionaries are going over the Iraq to spread the gospel. However, most of them will lose their lives, because people are hostile to Christianity in the middle east. It is not good that people lose their lives. But because of the word from Jesus, many will die because of trying to spread it.

The cross, a symbol of Christianity today has become a trinket to many people. Like a good luck charm.

The cross in Roman times was a sign of someone condemned to death. Criminals and people who were sentenced to death were nailed to the crosses. They were put in public places as a message to others, "If you do the same, so will be your end."

It is dangerous to be a Christian. Maybe not in the US, but around the world, following Jesus has its price of persecution. Even in the US, people don't want to hear about Jesus. Many people take their faith for granted.

The reason why people choose to endure persecution can be of many reasons. However, the one main one that I think about is, "I have a relationship with Jesus and I want others to know Jesus." Despite all the good things in this world, people are willing to take a chance at a probable certain death because they love Jesus and want others to know Him. Some fall away because of persecution.

This man, a South Korean, who went to Iraq as a dream of being a missionary probably knew that he might never come back. I can't imagine what horrors he's being threatened or punished with. Being a Christian has its price, and sometimes to follow God, you may be put to death.

But, I really think that if Jesus were not worth following, nobody would follow Him. Nobody would stay strong till the end in their faith. It all comes down to what you think. Is my Jesus worth my life, my time, my all?

The verse can be found here

If you've seen the "Passion of the Christ", you might have been grossed out by what happened to Jesus. But, this is God's love for us, not just Christians, but the world. He is willing to die for you and suffer all that to free you from the burden of sin and have a relationship with mankind again.

It all comes back to Genesis. Where God created Adam and Eve. God created Adam and Eve, and Adam and Eve had fellowship with God. Fellowship is kind of like community and friendship. God told Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge. However, Adam and Eve did eat the fruit and disobeyed God and committed the first sin. Disobedience to what God had said. So, God cast them out of the Garden of Eden, and fellowship with God was broken.

Anyway, I'm not expert in this subject, and probably someone else could explain it better. I've just summarized some of the beliefs of Christianity.

1. God and man had fellowship in the beginning
2. Man sinned and the fellowship was broken
3. God came in the form of Jesus to take away sin so fellowship could be restored
4. Through Jesus, we can have fellowship with God

There are some times in life when I am thankful that I stuck with it and didn't give up. From how low I've come to how good of a life I now have, I can only say that God has really worked in my life so much through the tough times to get to these times today.

Life is not easy, and it will not always be good. In fact, it may plainly be harsh and unrewarding.

But don't give up on trying to improve one's life. There will be disappointments, failures, and even times of pain. But, there is also good in this world. One just has to find it.

Walk the walk

Saying something is one thing. Actually doing something about it is another. Over the past few weeks, I've been doing nothing but going to work and playing video games. I've decided not to play video games until I get my Japanese in working order.

Something has to change. I can't keep on saying one thing and not getting anything done.

Someone said that video games will be my downfall. And to be honest, I think that they might be right. Hence the no video game rule.

List of things to do.

1. Watch Anime (Short for Animation. Semantically meaning Japanese cartoons in places other than Japan. Anime is just animation in general in Japan) and listen to my Japanese language CD
2. Study old class notes
3. Read old textbooks
4. Read Manga


Spiritual things to do
1. Pray
2. Read Bible
3. Journal
4. Apply

Life in general
1. Discipline
2. strength
3. Treating people the same way I want them to treat me

Why am I here?

Things lately haven't been going so well. Finding a job after college isn't working out as well as I'd like it to. Roommate problems...as well as other things that can cause a person to get irritated.

I ask this question a lot and I know one reason why I'm here...to make this world a better place.

This world isn't such a nice place to live. Even if you don't mean any harm towards another person, they can get angry at you or irritated at you because that might just be their nature. Don't get me wrong, I'm not making fun of anybody or teasing anyone, but just by being here or there, some people just get irritated that I'm there.

It makes me want to say, "Excuse me for being alive."

Maybe I haven't found the right people to be with...or maybe I have. Ministry is not so much helping the people that don't need help. Ministry is helping the people that DO need help.

When Jesus was asked by the Teachers of the law and Pharisees (Ie the leading church people of the day) "Why do you eat with Tax collectors and sinners?" (Tax collectors were the pawns of the Roman government to collect taxes. Sometimes they collected more taxes than they should have and were really not liked in those times.)

Jesus answered, "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." Luke 5:31-32 It can be found here

Anyway, look up the whole chapter if you like. Here It might not make sense to you, but just to get a little context as to what Jesus was doing at the time.

The reason why I write this is that lately, I think that God has been trying to grow me in my relationships with others. There comes a point where a person needs to really just take some chances and work things out with others.

No man is an island. Man was created to live with others. Right?

Anyway, I fail to see how I'm making this world a better place right now. I also fail to see how I can make this world a better place.

I emailed a lady about teaching English in a certain part of Japan for two years. We'll see if they hire me or not. I just emailed her about getting more information though. Nothing big, or life changing...yet.

If I had gotten the game testing job, I might not have time to apply for this other English teaching position in Japan. But we'll see. One of my friends is praying for me as to direction.

I do have good friends. They are good people, don't get me wrong about that. It's just that there comes a time when there needs to be some communication.

Plus, I don't think that my perception of how things really are is always correct. Going by one's feelings does not tell of the reality of how things are. They tell the reality of how one is feeling or doing. Hence, the "not doing so well."

But don't worry about me. I've been through much worse and have come out alright. God is faithful, despite our lack of faith...despite our lack of thanks or gratitude. I think that it's in James where James says, "Every good and perfect gift is from above." You can find it here

Anyway, again, don't worry about me. I'm doing alright. Growth always has pain in it.

Yesterday

When I think about yesterday, (not specifically yesterday), but the days past, I find that there's a lot that I should learn from and move forward with.

If I look back, I realize that that's now gone, and I need to focus on the now and the future.

Anyway, getting back to the title. Yesterday was the last day of school for me ever. I will miss school, but I'm glad to be done. What am I going to do now? No idea, but will try to apply to Aeon and see what happens. Maybe I'll go to Japan.

I think that God wants me in Japan for some reason. I know this though, I specifically don't want to be dating anybody in Japan. I think personally that Japanese people are great, but just the cultural differences between America and Japan are too great for me to actually be comfortable with.

In Japan, less than 1% of the population is Christian. I hope that I can meet some of the people of Japan and really get to know them. Japan has helped me so much in the past, and I would like to give back to it. It was partly because of Japan that I became a Christian. I owe God a lot for postponing my trip to my senior year of high school.

I hope that God will use me in Japan to really give back to the people that helped me out so much.

The problem for me is that I've learned about Japan's past in college and it really distorted how I feel about Japan. Just so many messed up things that Japan did really made me angry.

But then again, so many messed up things in my past really made some people angry at me. Not the people of the present, but the people at the time.

The verse that I have always remembered since the day I read it was, Luke 6:37 "Do not judge and you will not be judged, do not condemn and you will not be condemned, forgive and you will be forgiven."

God has forgiven me, so I should forgive Japan. Just as Japan has helped me, I think that God is telling me to go to Japan. But, I'm still not sure. I'm still now sure as to whether or not God really wants me in Japan.

But I prayed, "If you want me there, provide a way." And I know that He will if I am serious about following Him.

Anyway, my heart right now is not in the right place for Japan. I used to love Japan so much, yet my love in a lot of ways has gone cold. Maybe I'm just judging my love on how I feel. But really, I do think that I've stopped caring for the most part, because of just all the struggles that I've gone through these past three years.

One thing is true though, there is still part of me that cares very deeply. It's still hiding in me somewhere, where I've lost the location. heh.

Anyway, I got to go to sleep. I think that I'm thinking too much about the past. Maybe I need to just go out there and do something.

One more day and i'm done forever.
Unless I can't find anything better to do but go back.

Tomorrow is my last day of class and my last final. Going through the past five years of school has really been the best time of my life. Not the easiest time, but definately better than anything I have experienced elsewhere.

I'm going to miss school. Something I probably never thought that I'd say before going to college.

Well, the next part is just making a resume and finding something else to do besides bum around the house. heh.

Dude, all those years back, when I was serious about quitting, I knew that I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. Sticking with it has been very rewarding. However, getting a job is a different story.

Use it or lose it!
Now that I'm done with Japanese, I have to work even harder at studying it. It won't be easy to pick up a Japanese textbook and study for fun. Like muscles, the body and mind have to be used to improve and to stay at a certain level. Otherwise, you just lose everything bit by bit.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm here. There's got to be a reason as to why I get these chances in life. Anyway, life has been interesting, painful, good, and still full of hardships. I can honestly say that I had not known life as full as I have known it until I started to have friendships with people in college. Yet, I have not known how hard and painful life can be from my failures and mistakes that I have made in these friendships.

Still, God is good. Jon G stated it best in his blog, which Ray read tonight at Senior Sendoff. I don't know Jon's xanga site, but I'm sure that I can probably find it later. His main thing was help us all to seek after God. The focus should be on God in everything we do. In our life, work, friendships, relationships, etc.

This is a kind of randomly put together blog, but I'm just wanting to write this down before I forget.

God, please help me to follow after You. After working so hard in school this past year, I've seen that nothing takes the place of You. Thank you that you still love me despite how many times I've failed you. And thank you for the victories that you have given me. It really is awesome to know You. Thank you

Man, I took a final today, and it didn’t go well. I guess this is my last quarter at school, but if I had spent more time studying, I could have done a whole lot better. Oh well. I guess this is a lesson for when I am applying for a job. If you don’t know the stuff beforehand, you won’t know it during the interview. Heh. Stupid logic, yes, but here’s a more applicable piece of logic.

“God is not mocked! What a man sows, he reaps.” (Galatians 6:7) Saying, if you sow things that will be harmful for you in the future, you will reap those later in life. If you sow good things, then you will reap those later in life. What I mean by sow is plant, like seed. What you do will be repaid sometime later in life. Sometimes you might not see the results in your own life, but the good or bad that you put into something will be repaid.

Yeah, I’m reaping the benefits of not studying by failing my exam. Heh. But I guess I paid that price.

Oh well. My goal for this summer is to study Japanese every day by reading articles online in Japanese and then improve my Japanese listening ability by watching anime without the subtitles. Hopefully I will learn enough Japanese to be able to use it in a job. What a man sows, he reaps right?

As I look back on my life, I see that I have repeated the same process very frequently. I slack off, I get in trouble, I stay up late trying to get my work done, and I do poorly. The only time that I haven’t done this was when my parents were looking out for me in elementary school, and during high school. I guess if you want something to be done right, you will have to work for it. Duh, right?

But, one thing that went well was my Judo presentation. God really helped me out in this by helping me to focus. It wasn’t perfect, but it went way better than I had expected it to go. Thank you guys for praying for me too. Someone volunteered to help me out and the class got a kick out of seeing the different techniques for throws, pins, and chokes. Actually, there was only one of each. But yeah, the presentation that was supposed to last 4 minutes and 30 seconds lasted 6 minutes and 50 seconds. Over the time limit, but I got rated pretty well.

Church, a Birthday and a Party

Sunday...it was pretty fun. I woke up late for church as usual and drove there at a leisurely pace. Luckily there's always parking. Got to service in time to hear the message.

The message was the last message based on the book of Acts. Basically our pastor talked about how Paul gave thanks to God for the community that he experienced on his way to his trial. He mentioned that it is kind of hard to see anyone giving thanks for anything on their way to see Nero, (the emperor of Rome at the time).

He talked about how we should try to find what fits us best in our ministries (maybe outreach, or inreach), but still even if you do one or the other, you should not forget the community that is so important to both your spiritual growth and well being. The brothers that met Paul on his way to his trial encouraged Paul and were there for him, even though they had never met him before, they had heard of him and because of the bond in Jesus, they came out to see him.

My pastor talked about how one of the miracles of the Holy Spirit is loving our neighbor as ourselves. How different personalities can get along with one another.

Granted not all the churches are free of problems of people not getting along. In fact, I'm sure that there are lots of people who don't get along in churches. But, if God is present in you, you should try to get along with everyone, by loving them as yourself and treating them as you would want to be treated. (Love your neighbor as yourself can be found here
and, treating others the same way you want them to treat you can be found here). Granted it's not possible to get along with everyone, but at least pray for them, because they need God's blessings too! And they are also loved by God! check this out here Anyway, enough preaching from me. My goal is not to convert people over the web, but to really tell this to those who may be having problems in the church.

Anyway, church was good in that sense, that I've caught a message to build part of my life upon. I still don't know where God wants me to move. I still think Japan, but I'm still not sure.

It was someone's birthday coming up, so we celebrated a little early and ate lunch with her. It was good to just hear how things were going through her past year. We ate at a pizza joint and watched Zoolander afterwards.

I had never seen Zoolander before, but it was pretty funny. If you go along with the humor, it is pretty darn funny. If not, then it's probably really stupid. But, I thought that it was hilarious. =)


I left in the middle to go to my Japanese party. I got there 30 minutes late, but they had not started yet because they were waiting for people.

I had my apprehensions in going to the party, because I didn't know the people that well. But, the people that are in my class are definately a lot of fun! It was nice to meet people outside of class and when they didn't have as much time constraints. My teacher is such a nice guy and I hope that he'll be teaching many more years.

I didn't drink anything, but for some reason, I felt shaky driving home. Like my faculties weren't all in order. I wonder if there was something in some of the things that I ate. Some of this type of vegetable was kind of damp, but maybe it's just my imagination. Anyway, I got home alright obviously. Instead of driving all the way home, Mel and I got bubble tea and I hung out at the apartment for an hour to let some of the side effects pass.

The guys at the party drank quite a bit. It wasn't too much, but one guy looked really red. I kind of worried that someone might get pulled over or maybe not make it home in one piece. If they did get pulled over, it's better that they get pulled over than get into an accident though.
However, if it were me, then I wouldn't be too happy.

Overall, it was a pretty good day. I can't say that I'm feeling well right now, but it was definately a lot of fun.

I can't say that it was a perfect day, being that I have a bad headache right now, but it was definately one of the highlights of the quarter.

Well, it was a good day, despite the headache.

When the adrenaline is running, it is hard to write a paper. So, I decided to actually try to write out what’s been going on instead.

Anyway, reading over Judges in the Bible, a book of the old testament, I was amazed at how messed up things were in that book. Back then, it seems like things were a lot worse than they are today. But if you look at today, there are a lot of messed up things happening.

Seeing just how bad the oppressors were to the oppressed makes me feel like there can’t possibly be a God in this world. But, as I know, there is a God in this world, and He knows what happens, and He feels the pain of all the people in this world.

Anyway, I realized that so much of the world is suffering compared to my life in the States. Picking up a newspaper around 3 weeks ago, I saw an article about a medical team in Libya. That really didn’t make sense, as it was pretty messed up what happened.

A medical team went to Libya from some place in Europe to give medicine and shots to children. The government arrests them and charges them with spreading AIDS to the kids. From the way the paper made it sound, it looked like the government was finding their scapegoat for their unsafe hospital conditions. They were found guilty and are appealing. (This was about 3-4 weeks ago.)

Anyway, the point here is that there are a lot of messed up things in this world, and they won’t get solved unless someone does something.

As a Christian, I do believe that prayer does help this world. God can change the hearts of men, which is way more powerful than killing them. The only thing that I need to be ready is for when God will send me out. Where, I don’t know.

This world is in desperate need of something good. As I look at my own life, I see little good coming out of it. I go to school, learn, and will try to get a good job, but really, I feel like I’m doing very little as compared to what I could be doing.

I guess what I need to do is pray and do something about it. Anyway, if you haven’t noticed, I do a lot of my thinking on this page. This is not necessarily meant to be entertaining, but just what has been on my mind.

Anyway, one good thing that I heard this past quarter was from a missionary to Iraq. He goes, because probably most of the Iraqis have not heard about Christ. People from other countries are also going to Iraq to spread the gospel. His reason for going was, “Every Iraqi soldier that dies, is another person who died without hearing about Jesus.” God is good in that He cares for all people and all mankind. Most of the missionaries to Iraq will never come home, because they will be killed. But, the foundation that they build will last. That’s one good thing that I can say that I’ve heard this quarter. People are putting their goals and their lives to God’s goals and desires.

I ask myself, what is the purpose of my life? And, what can I do? The real question is, “Am, I willing?”

Missions

Well, I forgot about this mission thing for awhile. But when I did pick up the packet, I found that the due date was a couple days before today. I'll email the guy in charge tonight though.

Anyway, I'm still not sure if I should go on a mission right now when my relationship with God is not the best. I know that God could use me if I went, but there's always the chance that I could be used by the other side.

Seeing how Jesus prepared for His ministry, I think that a lot more preparation is going to be needed if I do go. Time is something that I don't have right now though. Anyway, more on this later.

Playstation 2

I am really looking forward to getting a Playstation 2. I told myself that I'd buy one when it went down to $150. Anyway, I probably won't buy it until I beat all my PSone games.

Heh, yeah, not too interesting. But hey, this journal is mainly for me.

randomness
Walking home after class, I decided to go to a burger joint and met two people that I haven't seen for awhile. They are awesome! They were some guys in my Japanese class. Very smart and very fun to be around. Anyway, we talked a lot about Japan, ultimate fighting, Pan Kress (I have no idea how to spell it), Anime and a whole bunch of other things related to school. Overall, one of the most interesting conversations I've had in awhile. Mainly because I didn't do most of the talking, but just listened.

It kind of makes me sad that they've never heard the gospel. I'm sure that most people in this world have not heard the gospel. One reason why I need to get get my relationship with God on track.

Two things that I think matter most in the world. However, I've strayed a little bit from both, but yeah, I'm slowly getting back.

1. God
2. People

As of lately, I haven't been too much of a people person. But yeah, given the time constraints, it's just not possible to do everything.



Anyway, not too much happened today. Just the usual, class, work, hw. More later

Well, there's only 3 weeks left of school. I'm happy to be graduating. But also sad that my time in college is now at an end. I wonder what I'll be doing in the future.

This past Sunday, I asked my Pastor to pray for me as to what God wants me to do in terms of my career and such. I still have no idea, and personally I think that I need to spend more time reading the Bible and praying to find out God's will.

Anyway, I'm sure that I'll just have to go out and look for a job somewhere. But I do have hope that there is a plan for my next step.

Also, about the last post. I have had a hard life. Easier than some people I know. But still, pretty hard. We all have hard lives, because life is hard. I deleted the post, because I felt that it could be used in the wrong way. But yeah, I was being kind of overzealous I think.

Anyway, when I see a person in need, I tend to identify with that person, because I was a person in need at one time.

Anyway, life is tough, and it's tough for everyone. No matter how easy you think someone else's life is, they've got their own struggles that you don't see. That's part of life, and getting past those struggles is part of growth.

Anyway, I'll end here.

2 weeks left


Man, it's saturday. This week has been pretty bad. After Men's Meat Night, I pretty much crashed throughout the whole week. I stayed up almost the whole night on Monday working on an outline draft for Japanese, and ended up missing all my classes on Tuesday. Well, except for work, which I'm pretty much obligated to go to.

I missed class on Friday too, being that I was so tired. And again, I was late to work and only got up because of work.

My counselor suggested that I drop my Greek and Roman Mythology class, being that I haven't done too much of the readings. I haven't gotten my midterm back because I wasn't there on Tuesday, so I don't know how I'm doing in the class.

Part of me wants to stay in the class, because I think that I can do it, do well, and get my GPA above a 3.0. (It's at a 2.97 right now). However, from the past, I always think that I can do stuff, and it turns out that I don't have enough time to do it. I'm capable, but I just need enough time.

Anyway, I would like to finish my school year strong, but being that I have all this other stuff on my back to carry, I might not finish as well as I'd like to. I guess school isn't everything, but still, I don't know if I'll even be able to get a good job if I don't work at it.

Anyway, enough about this subject.

My Judo outline has been coming along. I'm 70% done with the outline. Only 70% done with it, as opposed to being done with it last week being that it's for Japanese class and that I have trouble expressing myself in Japanese. It has been interesting though. All this information about Judo that I never really learned by taking Judo.

I knew that Judo came from Jujitsu (Actually pronounced "Jujutsu". Meaning pliable art or soft art.) It was an unarmed fighting style of the Samurai. Jigoro Kano, the creator of Judo, learned Jujutsu from Fukuda Hachinosuke, then Tsunetoshi Iikubo. Then learned other forms of Jujutsu from other schools.

Jujutsu at that time was rapidly disappearing because of the Meiji Restoration where (as the website says) the ways of the Samurai were being looked down upon in favor of new ways of the state. (I'm not totally sure about this, because I have not gathered that much information.) But, well established Jujutsu schools were having trouble because of the Meiji Restoration.

Jigoro Kano is credited with preserving Jujutsu through what is now called Kodokan Judo. He took what he considered the best forms from the different schools of Jujutsu and implemented them into something that could be used as a sport. He got rid of techniques that would cripple or permanently damage the opponent and also got rid of kicks and punches, forcing the contestants to grapple with the opponent. Kicks and punches were taught to the high ranking Judoka (people who practiced Judo) only as a way of preserving some of the techniques. (I think).

According to one website, Jigoro Kano adapted Jujutsu to the changing times of Japan by making it into a sport. However, he not only made it into a sport, but into a philosophy and a way of life also. Whereas before, Jujutsu was seen as a collection of techniques by some, Jigoro Kano made the goal of Judo to make the individual a better person and one who would benefit society.

Men's Meat Night

This past night was Men's Meat Night for AACF. I and two other people lead it.

Basically, what we did was provide the food for it and just invite people. The people that we invited were mainly the people that already went to AACF, but there were some new people that came.

Being that the day was a totally horrible day to choose (the day before Mother's day), most people didn't come. It was fun, but still, I think that if I had chose a better date, more people would have come. oh well...next time, I've got to look at a calendar before I choose the date.

We played x-box on two x-boxes, mainly Halo. We also played the Typing of the Dead, which is House of the dead (a shooting game) made into a typing game.

Some guy kept on trying to hack into my computer all throughout that time, but I don't think that he got in. Thank goodness for firewalls. =)

Overall, I think that the night went pretty well. I just wish that more connections were made with the new people that did come. They didn't stay too long. One had another barbecue to go to, and the other two, I don't know if they had another engagement to go to, but I'm not worrying about it.

The main point was to bond the guys in AACF already, and to invite new people and get them plugged into AACF too. The latter part seems unlikely, being that we played video games most of the time and didn't talk, but the former was a good one that happened.

Mother's day is tomorrow, and I have a whole bunch of school work to do. I guess I'm not worried about it, as I usually am. However, I always tend to stay up late on Sunday nights into the late evening. Sometimes I don't get it done, because I have to go to sleep.

The night was worth it though. Even though I don't really bond that well with people in general, I think that it went better than I expected.

We went over budget by a little bit, but that's okay. Anyway, thanks AACF core for putting up with me and my ranting and irritations. I guess I do tend to worry too much.

I sometimes wonder exactly what the lessons out of tonight are. I need to reflect about this.

About the earlier posts, and bible quotes, I don't know when I'll be able to get to them. I have a lot of work to do.

I have a lot to be sad about; a lot to be angry about. But I think that the best thing I can do is just write about it and think about it.

The same cycle has been happening all throughout my college career. I get way too busy, I don't have enough time to study, I do poorly in class, and I get angry at myself for doing this. This cycle has been happening my whole college career. I thought that I was putting God first by going to events and doing other things in ministry.

But, I've learned that God can use your school work and your hard work for His kingdom also. Knowing this, I've worked a lot more on my school work and less time in ministry. But still, I'm just so busy that I can't even get enough time to study right. All my free time either has to be used for studying or doing something else. As of right now, I'm so tired that I took a break from studying and decided to write down my thoughts.

I guess I tend to blame God for the things that go wrong in my life. Things come to my mind like, "Why can't I do well?" "Why do I always let down my parents and my teachers?" "Why do I always let myself down?" I know that the answer is simple, and is that if I spent more time studying, I would do better. But, given how slow of a worker I am, and how classes get harder, and how much more busier I become, it isn't likely that I'll do well. I've come to that conclusion, because I've just had so busy of a schedule.

Why am I so busy? Like any relationship, a relationship with God takes time. It's like being a relationship with someone else, except that it's more of a parent child relationship. I do my devotions, I go to fellowship, I go to church. It's not that much longer, but when you add in other things like work, school, sleep, it adds up.

Anyway, I'm just complaining right now. Really, maybe the thing that I need to do is actually pray for time management and just work at it. This is my last quarter, and as of right now, I know that I did not do well on my first midterm.

Well...I guess this is the never ending vicious cycle that is my life. I think that I have to cut soccer and maybe AACF until I can get myself back on my feet. I'm thinking if I'll be able to get a job or not. And frankly, it doesn't look very good right now.

Oh well. I'll find a job of some kind. Yet I don't think that I'll earn that much money. But hey, there's more to life than money.

I do consider my life better ever since I met God though. Don't get me wrong about that. Despite how bad I'm doing in terms of school, I've been doing better in my personal life. I'm not doing too bad in school either. I'm at a 3.0 average, which is not great I admit, but still I could do a lot better.

My life, has been good. It's not perfect. But life has been really great since I met God. (I didn't actually meet Him in person, but through church and prayer and the Bible, I've come to know Him to some degree.) Life is actually bearable through the tough times and He's always there for me. Knowing God has let me vent to Him and find healing in times of hurt, find joy (though not lately), and just realize that my life is worth something. The more time I spend in fellowship and with other believers, the more joy I have. The more I spend it serving others, the fuller I become.

However, getting my HW done is also good too. Therefore, I need to stop writing this now, and get to work. It's been a good break, but really, I need to get my work done

In the last post, I was pretty angry that I didn't get my work done. Sorry guys for venting.

Anyway, things are going a little bit better. I'm getting some stuff done, and last night was the last night for our church fellowship. So I only will go to AACF now. It was kind of sad to see that this was the last time we're going to meet, but I felt that our fellowship leader was moving on and needed to find where God was leading him and his fiance.

It's pretty cool to see that people are moving forward in life and not stuck in the same old place. It kind of gives me some hope of getting married someday heh. (I'm not implying anything, but just that I feel like I need to grow more in my walk right now.) Definately they are a great couple and will create some great kids. But, like always, things change and I must move on also.

Right now, I looked at some job posts at one company close to where I live. As of right now, I can't get a job there doing Japanese work without going to Japan. One, I really need to go to Japan if I'm to get any job related to my major, Japanese Linguistics. All this time that I was in college, I kind of felt like I had a love for Japan despite the feelings of guilt that I caused myself in terms of not keeping in touch with some people, and just doing some stupid things. Also, I've seen that time heals wounds, not always, but sometimes. So, with that, I'm still debating on whether or not to go to Japan and teach English.

Anyway, things are going well right now. Despite being behind in school, I'm doing fine.

I've got to study right now. But I just thought that I'd update you as to what's been going on for a short period of my life.

After spending the whole day after church working on HW that was assigned about 2 weeks ago I've come to the conclusion that I need to do less and work more on my homework. Something has got to give, and I'm not going to fail this quarter. Despite how my roommates feel that I should go to AACF every week, there's no way in heck that I'm going to be able to finish my school work and go to AACF every week. With the amount of stuff that I joined this quarter, I'm surprised that I even got this much of my school work done.

Don't get me wrong. I am one busy guy. Work, school (4 classes), going to 2 fellowships, church on sunday, soccer practice, AACF, Apartment dinner on one night, and on top of that HW which is not getting done. Something has to give. I am not able to do all these things and get my homework done at the same time. So, with that conclusion, I'm going to skip out of fellowship and only go to one and skip out on soccer practice and soccer games. I've already lowered my work schedule down to the bare minimum, and also, I just need to stop talking to people and just focus on my HW. This is my last quarter, so I don't want to fail this quarter like I did almost all of my other quarters.

This has got to end, and I'm sorry that I cannot be part of everything, but something has to give. I'm going to say "no" now.

Sorry that I haven't posted for awhile. I've gotten really busy lately. I'll also get back to you on the verses from the last posts.

So much has happened. Planning for Men's Meat night is coming along. Two other guys and me are planning it. I'm just praying that it will be a time where people can get connected to other people and build relationships afterwards.

Also, I've joined an intramural soccer team. I've never played soccer on a team before, so it will be a new experience. I have a feeling that I'm going to get hurt somehow, but it could be nothing.

At fellowship tonight, it was encouraging to hear the testimony of a gal's life. How she came to know Christ and what she went through. Teasing by kids because she is asian. Teasing by her friends. People telling her that she's ugly. I can relate to the betrayal and hurt that she went through.

She told us how she came to know Christ. At first, she scoffed at Him. But the night that she was going to kill herself, she decided to trust in Him instead.

She told us that being a Christian is not about experiencing joy all the time, but suffering what Christ suffered. He thought that we were worth dying for and going through all that He did. Do we as Christians believe the same? We should. To suffer the same pains that Christ did, from those whom you're trying to love. To see worth in people who don't see worth in you.

She challenged us to really see those around us as worth suffering for. Christ came and suffered many things for us. He chose to go through them and He forgave us all. How then can we not follow His example?

Hope. Something that I've been waning in. But, hope is something that has kept me going.

Hope
This world has little hope in it. So many messed up things are happening in this world. But, there is hope. If you look hard enough, there are people who go through tough things, but still have hope.

Some things really hit home. For the past two months, our pastors have been giving us messages to step outside of our boxes, go, and reach out to someone we don't know very well.

Two months, they've been preaching that, and I have really only just thought about it recently. The two most important commandments that God tells us through Jesus is:

1. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.
2. Love your neighbor as yourself. Matthew 22:36-40

I'm tired, but I realize that there's two paths I could take. One, a wide, broad path. The other, a narrow, rough path. Which to choose. I know the right answer. Do you? Yeah, I know the answer, but the real question I'm asking is, am I following it? Or am I walking a broad path knowing that I should be on the other one. When I find the verses, I'll post them up for this last quote.

One last thing, be cautious and protect yourself, because this world is not a nice place. I'll give you the quote for that later too.

I found that verse that I was talking about in the last blog. It is found here. Anyway, back to studying for finals.

Rethinking things

Sometimes I just wonder what will happen in the future. Things look so uncertain right now and I wonder if I'll go on a mission any time soon. It might not be until a couple years down the line. I might not even go to Japan for missions this fall.
When your relationship with God is not going well, how can you minister to other people? I don't know why it's not going well, but for some reason, I just wonder if i'm not doing something right. Maybe I'm not really taking chances and denying feeling comfortable. The verse comes to mind, "The one who seeks to save his life will lose it, the one who loses it for my sake (Jesus') will find it." I forget where it is, but I think it's in Luke somewhere. Anyway, for those not familiar with the bible, my interpretation of this is that Jesus is not telling us to die or forfeit your life, but rather he's telling us to live for Him (Jesus). It's kind of confusing, but basically, part of being a Christian is denying living for oneself and living for God.

Anyway, I feel like I need a vacation right now...heh. Maybe missions isn't right for me right now. I don't know.

I still have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do. And it's true for not just me, but everyone.

Anyway, regardless of what happens, I would like to serve on some kind of ministry with other believers. Maybe now's not the right timing...but I think, when will be?

The other option instead of going to Japan would be trying to find an entry level job somewhere. I really don't care right now what type of job I do...but I would like to at least do something that will last years after I'm gone. Oh well...maybe I should ask God instead of writing all this on the internet. hehe...Yeah, that would be better.

An end before the beginning?

After all that talk about missions to South America, I've decided not to go for now. As of right now, my relationship with God is not going good. I feel like maybe I blew it for this summer. Everything you do in a ministry context should be based upon God. Without the foundation, it's hard to build something.

Anyway, just lots of frustration right now as I just gave up before I even tried.

The questions on the form for the mission asked questions like, "How are your devotions?", "How do you think God is calling you to a cross cultural ministry?", "What books have you read recently?" Stuff like that which I don't have a good answer to. I feel really unprepared to go on a mission, plus I feel like would I serve any purpose there?

Anyway, the reason why I'm frustrated is that I might not ever be able to go on a mission to Brazil or any other place. I guess I just didn't want to stress out about what might lie ahead.

Plus, I'm just tired of a lot of things in my life. I need to stand up for something and not just always take in things from other people.

Things are going to change, because I'm going to change them in my life. People tell me sometimes that you need to let God change you. But, they omit what I must do to let God change me. I believe that God gave us free will to choose what we do each day. Whether we spend it well or spend it foolishly is our choice. It determines where we go and where we end up. Whether we choose to follow God today, or choose to go our own way. It's one's own choice.

Most of my life, I've been a spectator in life. A quote from my dad from his dad was, "Little kids should be seen and not heard." I can't blame my dad or my grandfather for this. I can't blame anyone for why I've been a spectator most of my life. I was raised one way, but now I have control of some parts of my life.

Anyway, the main point I don't want to waste my life anymore. I've got to take chances again, like I did before I met that one guy. Really, I'm going to do what I want to do, and not what everyone else tells me I should do. Thinking for myself, speaking for myself, responding for myself. This stage I've reached before, but have fallen down.

Today, was the last day of class for one of my Japanese classes. I came late as usual on Wednesdays. Terrible, I know.

The teacher didn't pass out class evaluations yet. I got there just a little before it.

The teacher passed them out and left, and someone made a bad comment. I didn't stand up for fear of getting shot down. However, two people did, and I really see their maturity.

It makes me wonder...if I don't stand up for what I believe in now...when will I? I'm sure that God applauded the two that stood up.

Anyway, just thought that I'd write that down before I forget.

I guess I have nothing but complaints off the top of my head right now. School is almost over for me and I could have done way better than I did. Bad use of my time, plus going to events when I didn't finish my hw. Plus my parents are getting on my case right now to do better as they probably feel that I'm wasting my time here staying an extra year.

Yeah, I stayed an extra year for personal reasons even though I didn't do so well in school...to raise my GPA and to get some extra things learned before I go off forever into the working world. Seems like nothing has changed though.

Anyway, I can honestly say that I haven't wasted my time here in college. I became a Christian here and have experienced a lot of good things and met a lot of good people. Even though my grades did pay for it I have grown a lot because of my experience here. Still, I am wasting my time here if I don't learn anything.

Anyway, just my one complaint of the day...nothing special.

We do not get everything we want in life...but hard work does pay off. And even when we work hard, we do not always get what we want. In my opinion, we always have one or more choices to make that determine where we go. We do not always know where we're headed, but that's life, what's ahead is unknown, but we're headed somewhere.

Looking back on things, I can see the clear path of what choices I made that determined where I am now. Sometimes things that I said that I'd change, haven't changed at all...and some things that I have changed have made me a better person.

We're only given so much time in life, and really, not everything matters in the bigger picture. Is not life more than food, or the clothes that we wear? (Taken a quote out of St. Matthew) The passage of Matthew 6:25-34 was the first passage that I truly ever remembered from the Bible. Check it out here. It was before I became a Christian. But it got me questioning some of the things about Christianity, because how could it say this? Anyway, reading Philip Yancey's "Reaching for an Invisible God" has helped me with some of these questions.

I learned that we expect faith in God to be something easy or full of joy all the time, or sometimes what we expect things ought to be...and when we don't experience it, we think that there's something wrong. I think that everyone who is a Christian has struggled with faith in God at some point or another. Anyway, I've gone off on another tangent. hehe. But yeah, my main point was, I've taken this journey with God for about 4 years now, and I haven't done as well as I'd like to have done, and things aren't turning out as well as I'd like them to.

But...who's fault is that? God's? No. They're mine. After all this time, people have been trying to tell me what faith is about. Don't get me wrong...it's not about doing things for God and getting bad grades...if you had been doing things for God, you would see that you can serve God through getting a good education and doing well. I think what I'm trying to say is that I've misinterpretted things based on a rudimentary knowledge of the Bible. Yeah, it's true that God provides for the birds of the air, yet our choices can destroy God's creations or help God's creations.

Our choices make a difference in how this world runs...how our lives run...where we go...what happens to others sometimes...

I've made some bad choices in the past...but I don't regret where I am now. God has been so good to me in that I am better off with Him, than without Him. Better off than before I mean. What I'm saying is, make good choices in your life. you'll be better off in the long run.

Despite what I said in the last paragraph...even if you follow God, try to make good choices, because they will affect you and others.