Sometimes there's just too much

I still can't find my Warcraft III Battlechest. After so many months after I moved out of Maplewood, I wait till now to look for it. Oh well...it's in someone else's hands right now. Hopefully they're putting it to good use. That, or it's in the trash.

As I was looking through my room, I see that I have a wealth of stuff around my room that I don't use at all. It's sad. I have all this stuff that I spent money on and I don't use it. It just shows that capitalism can give you a lot, but it won't bring you happiness. haha But really, you can have all you want in this life and those things won't bring to you any happiness or sense of well being.

I'm not saying that I'm not happy. I'm just saying that the things that I thought would make me happy really don't last that long. I guess I need to stop buying stuff to feel good and use all the material I have until I can honestly say that "I have read every book, played every video game, listened to all the music I have, and watched every DVD in my room."

Man, I seriously would have had a lot more money if I didn't buy all these things. Hmm...I guess I just need to keep it simple and be content with what I have.

For some reason, I get jealous of others when they get something really great. I think, "Man, I would like to have that too!" But if you think about it, there's so much that I have already!

I guess that's the thing with greed. It consumes you, controls you, and you always want more. Humans and their inability to control their desires...will it never end?

I'm not saying that desires are a bad thing. What I'm saying is, we let ourselves be controlled by our desires rather than controlling our desires.

Okay, I'm going to try to stop buying things that aren't necessary for daily life. That is, until I finish all the things that I do have right now. Money is a tool to be used. It can be used for many things. It is not necessarily evil, but since it can give a person leverage (power) then it can be used for evil. Or, it could be used for good.

What I'm trying to say is, I could have used all this money for a better cause. Those two years working at the library were spent over time. But given how much I have, shouldn't I have used it for something that would help another person? Or would be used for some greater purpose? Instead, I used a lot of it on myself. Well...I didn't entirely spend it on myself, but I spent the majority of it on myself. I didn't spend it all on myself though.

I distrust some organizations

Sometimes I distrust some organizations that keep asking for money every two weeks. It seems like there's always something new that they want us to donate money to. I wonder how much of it goes to the purpose that they're using it for. In Economics, my professor said that the organizations will use it for their own purposes and if you donate to a specific fund, then no matter how much is donated, the budget for that fund will still be the same. I wonder how many organizations do that. I don't know.

But there's one that I do donate to and I'm wondering if they're just trying to leech as much money as they can from me. I'm thinking that I really don't know how much of their budget goes to the specified people. Their annual budget charts don't tell too much about how they spent their money. It just goes into a big category which could mean anything. I guess it would be taxing if they spelled every little thing out. But man, how general can you get? Could you at least break it down as to what funds we donate to get what budget? I think that I'm wishing for too much.

Which is why I have stopped donating to a specific fund. They keep asking for something new. More than my share that I agreed to. I wonder if they're conning me. Yeah, I'm cynical. But man, I have good intentions to help others, yet it seems like they're always asking for more and more. Are they taking advantage of my good intentions? Or are they using it for good purposes? I must talk to more people about this. Some organizations seem better than others. But man, they make it sound so urgent and yet we have so little information as to how things are changing. Do these organizations actually do what they say they do? I guess I'll never know. But man, I did get more cynical after I started donating to this specific charity.

The one thing that I know that my money will be used in the best way is through people that I know who go on missions. I actually know the person and their heart for others. Which is why I think that it goes a lot better with me to spend on this rather than some organization.

I guess organizations need money to run. The people who work there need to earn their living too. But it seems so distant. I can't help but think, man, is any organization out to help others? Or are they out there mainly for themselves with others as a secondary target? I guess that's where researching comes in handy.

Ahh, money. Is it really that important?

Sometimes, the one person that I need to talk to is the one person that seems farthest away.

Some things in my head need to be cleaned out. If I am to be an ambassador of Christ, then I need to really get my act together. Right now, I'm not a very good ambassador and I know that it's going to take some work. But hey, I have today...what's left of it.

I guess if I want to be remembered in a good way, then I've got to get going. Next week, key words, "force myself." Force myself to do constructive things and to do what I need to do.

Anyway, there willl never be a level where I'll reach the top. There will always be room for improvement. The best thing that one can do is keep working to get better. (I've said this many times and I need to get myself into gear.)

Do or Die

I could say that I'm an all or nothing person at times. I've been most of my life but recently, I've started to be closer toward the shades of gray. I like to think that I'll be okay no matter what happens. But, there comes a time when you've got to make some choices.

It's nothing serious, I'm just wondering about my life and my direction. I have found that in order to compete, you need to exercise and be fit. And if you go into something serious and you're unfit, then you will most likely lose.

In the movie "8 mile", rapper Rabbit was really good with words. Things didn't work out at first and when things seemed to go right, it turned out wrong. I won't tell you how it ends, or else spoil the movie, but he realized that to get anywhere, you're going to have to be wise, work hard for something good and take chances.

This skill with words did not come overnight, but through many years probably. To compete in the big games, you need to build up muscles and skill. To compete in life you need to get good at something and do it well. This world will eat you alive if you're not careful. For the good of society, I hope that people will do constructive things as their work, but I know that wherever anybody can make an easy dollar at the expense of others there will be trouble.

I'm finding that I have no direction right now. One of my former roommates told me to start small and then work your way up. My dad tells me that I should work in a Japanese grocery store where they speak Japanese. Right now, I'm up for anything that would improve my Japanese. It's kind of funny how I have very little experience talking in Japanese, but I know that if I do want to get good at that, then I'm going to have to train to some degree.

One thing that I've learned from church is that following Christ will not help you get ahead in this dog eat dog world. Giving to the poor, helping others in need, and the message of "it's not about me, but about God" all shows me that the commands to "Love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength" and 2nd to "Love your neighbor as yourself" is really not how far you can go in this life but how you grow in your relationship with God and how you have relationships, help others as you yourself would want to be treated.

With that said, I can honestly say that I'm not doing very well in that category either. As of lately, I've been thinking, "what am I here for?" I honest come up with answers that I'm here to help others. But when I look at how I help others, I find that I still have a lot of issues about treating others as I would myself like to be treated. Relationships with other people has never been a strong part of me. I like to be a loner from time to time, but I know that that's not how God wants any of us to live. Love and community go together.

With that said also, I've been finding that I haven't been going to church that often. Part of me wonders if I really learn anything at all from church. I go, then I don't reflect, then I go off being the same as I was. I have learned some good things from church, but I have forgotten a lot of them. I look at myself and see someone who has not grown that much in the last two or three years.

What is it that I want? I know the cliche answer. But what is it that I truly want? In my heart, something cries out saying that "I want to know God." However, I find that inside of me, I haven't been making efforts to read His word or actually just spend time with Him because I would enjoy it.

I digress from what I was talking about earlier, but what is it that I truly want in life? Do I really want it? I guess I don't know what I want anymore.

Do or die, is it really that simple? I think the answer for me is no. But, I know that being mediocre is not what I want anymore.

Start small, take chances, and grow. I guess I need that do or die attitude, because I really want to do some things and without the prep., I know that I'm not going to get anywhere. Growth is important in all aspects of life. But it requires effort, intention, and a will to do it. So far I have two of those. hehe.

I guess I need to start small. When I grow some more from my efforts, then I'll be ready for the next step. Do or die, I will use that attitude again. It's nice to have a blog to jot down my thoughts.

February 2nd and still no job. I've been out of a job since the beginning of October. I was studying for the Japanese Proficiency test, psotponed my job searching and won't get my results from the test back until March. I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the meantime, but applying to jobs and places is the only thing that I can do.

Hmm....should I work at Safeway? I can imagine making $7 an hour again. heh, no I don't see myself doing that.

Anyway, hopefully I will get a game testing job somehow. I don't expect that it will come soon, but we'll see if anybody will hire me. I have a lot of experience playing video games, but since I went to college, I've gotten a little less experience on the recent games. I should have looked into video game testing during the summer of my high school years.

Anyway, all I can do is just apply and look for jobs. I wonder if I'll get a job anytime soon.

Finished!!! Yeah Baby!

Woohoo! I've finally finished translating that article! I'm so happy now that I don't have any more responsibility for awhile. Except finding a job. It was weighing on me for awhile and I really didn't want to translate this for fear that I might cause some international dispute. But after I translated the whole thing well enough I found that I was worrying about nothing. (Phew)

I told the person that I was translating it for that I'd send it in today. So I'm glad that I was able to get it done.

Sometimes there's just nothing to post

To take some time to forget the current happenings of the world, I googled my name and found that there is another person by the same name as me. Apparently, he's pretty good in running and other sport marathon type things.

Things going on are just the need to pray a lot and this translation, which I really don't want to do anymore. But I got to and time is ticking by and the person I volunteered to do it for is still waiting. So many things are going on.

Anyway, I really think that I need to stop drinking coffee in the morning. For the past couple of nights, I've been staying up late and have been drinking some coffee to stay up late. However, last night, my body told me that I need to go to sleep. I wake up feeling refreshed, but my heart rate does not seem to be slowing down when I'm sleeping. (I drank some coffee to stay up later.) Anyway, stimulants don't stop the effects of tiredness, they seem to make it worse.

I guess you could say that I am typing on this blog to relieve stress and voice some of my frustrations and maybe feel like I am actually talking to someone who wants to listen to what I have to say. I admit that writing stuff down makes me feel better. Anyway, I don't want to get too personal, so I'll end here.

I really don't want to talk about politics. No matter what it is, it always seems like Republicans are against Democrats, and Democrats are against Republicans. Does anybody vote for what they truly think anymore? Does anyone truly listen to their own conscience anymore?

A proverb in Japan is, "the nail that sticks out gets hammered back down." Meaning, the person who sticks out from the rest, will get hammered back down by the system of everyone else.

I guess it's true here in America too in some respects. Politicians want to get re-elected and want to have a career. If you don't follow the unwritten rules, then you'll be on the black list.

I must say if we don't stand up for what we believe in, then what will we stand up for? Something we don't believe in? Something that we're afraid to speak out against for fear of being knocked around?

I guess that's the key word. FEAR. If you live in fear, then are you truly living?

Currently, I'm translating an article about internment. I have no idea if this article is going to be used for good purposes, but I'm guessing so. I just hope that it will be used for good and that I won't be a cause for many people to hate someone.

Anyway, need to do a good job so there won't be any misunderstandings. But yeah, if there's anything wrong or any misunderstandings between the two sides, then I'm in for a great deal of heat. It will probably have to do with a mistake that I made in the translation or a word choice of one word over another. Anyway, I just need to do a good job, or else.

I took this volunteer position because I was interested in the article, but I'm wondering if I will be the cause of something good to be lost. It could be the other way around. I could be the one to help something good be saved. What, I don't know. But I've just got to do this and get it over with.

Doing what I'm supposed to do

I got back into translating an article that I was supposed to do awhile ago. I just didn't want to be responsible for causing ill will between Japan and America, especially in a place where the people fought against internment.

Anyway, I translated it a little better, so it makes more sense. The article is not saying that internment was right. It was saying that there is a controversy over someone saying that internment was right.

I mistranslated a portion of it and thought that it said something that it didn't, so I got really angry and put it away. But after looking at it again, I found that it said something different. So now, I'm interested in what it has to say.

Basically, the article compared the US after 9-11 and the Japanese internment. They compared the treatment of followers of Islam to how the Japanese Americans were sent to internment camps. It also talked about a special class that was being taught about internment and how someone was angry that this class was being taught.

The person thought that it was an anti-western propaganda class. Can you believe that? The West does so many things wrong. We in America only hear the things we do right. Is it a wonder why we don't know why the rest of the world hates us? We don't know what our country does!

(deleted)

I'm not saying that our country does bad all the time, it's just that we don't hear about what goes on all the time. History can be written in someone's point of view and not in what actually happened. Use your best judgment when going through things, and don't believe everything that you read or hear. Listen to it, give it consideration and determine if it is true or not. The most important word is "listen".

Sometimes the best thing to do is not write on a blog, but to actually talk to someone who cares. Not saying that you don't care, but sometimes, things can get answered from feedback from people whom you really trust. Use your best judgment though.

Sometimes, it's just out of our hands

My friend has something wrong with him. I'm not talking about anything other than his legs. Nobody knows why he has this problem, but he can't walk that well.

While we were talking the other night, I told him that he's just going to have to accept it. He replied, "How can I accept it? I used to be able to run and now I can't even walk." I had no answer.

But it did remind me just now of the people who were told that they'd never walk again. One who was told that won a gold medal in the Olympics for sprinting after fighting so hard to regain his walking ability. Before that he was told that he wouldn't last the night. Both times, he determined that he wouldn't let himself accept the fate that others told him, and he proved them wrong. The story can be found in Chicken Soup for the Soul. My High school teacher read us a story from that book every Friday. It was in 1998 when I heard that story. Miracles do happen.

I wonder if my friend will walk to his former ability. Something is wrong with his body, but his heart...I'm not sure where his heart is right now being so frustrated. But we did pray before he left and he does have a strong faith. I was encouraged by his prayer.

All I can do is do what I can for him and pray and ask others to pray. He is struggling and he needs help. I just hope that God will lead him to something good. I can't imagine what is wrong with him, but I know that some things don't work out the way we want them to. Maybe I'm weak in faith, but I know that sometimes, regardless of how much we pray, it doesn't happen. Sometimes they're painful, and sometimes we don't understand why. I guess I'll never understand why, until I can ask Him myself when I die.

I believe that not everything is in God's will, but people disagree with me on that. I say this, because if you look at all the wrong in the world...is this God's will? Does God want this? I believe no. It's the things that we have created. But then again, people disagree with me, so I'm unsure of this.

I will never understand everything in this world. There's a lot that I don't understand. And there's a lot that I don't want to understand. But regardless of the bad things in life, God is still present and He is still there. He's the only person that understands what my friend is going through. It's out of my hands, but there are still things that I can do.

About the last post...

Yeah, I was kind of angry at some of the things that I read. Maybe I was thinking irrationally, but I do feel that sometimes we make this world into a harsher place. I can't help what people think and I really try not to care what other people think. But sometimes things just make me angry. And I don't get angry that often.

Anyway, I believe that all people have worth. Even though some may do terrible things, they have worth and can change. I believe that God can do anything, but He does not do everything that we want Him to do. He sees farther ahead than I do and maybe things happen this way for a reason. Whatever it may be, I don't have the ability to see the future.

Anyway, I meant what I said in the previous post and maybe I was acting on emotion, but yeah, I did mean that stuff, even though harsh and sometimes naive.

Future

Well, I got turned down for a job. It was a job that demanded long term commitment and I wasn't sure if I really wanted to stay there that long. But I guess maybe this is for the better, because if I had been offered that job, I would have taken it, and I'm not sure if that would be what God wanted me to do.

But I know that things work in accordance to God's plan. I'm sort of glad that I didn't get the job, but kind of sad. I'm thinking that maybe a headhunter company is not the way to go. Everyone wants long term commitment. heh

Anyway, I know that jobs will come and go and they're really not the whole world. I'm starting to think that it was God that stopped me from getting that job. Whether it was or not, I can only say that I think that this is for the best.

Maybe teaching English through JET is something that I should pursue. I always wanted to improve my Japanese. I always wanted to go back to Japan. I always want to grow. There is some good things ahead of me and I know that this is for the best.

History reborn

The person who said that, "if we don't learn from the past, history is doomed to repeat itself." Well, what he said is true. But, one thing that I must say is, unless we learn it correctly and not in our dehumanizing stereotypes or discrimination, then we're on a good track.

However, I've come across something that has disturbed me. It's very recent and I can only say that it is due to ignorance.

More about that later, but right now, I must say that people really need to stop looking at people as enemies and look at people as people. If we continue with dehumanizing people, then we're just going to let the whole world go to Hell.

The War on Terror on both sides seems to not be going well. People are dying and lives are being shattered. I say both sides, because violence seems to be growing on the Terrorists side and lots of people are dying because of them and the terrorists themselves are dying too. I say on our side, because War is destroying our troops and it is destroying the Iraqis. Really, war is a no win situation. As one person put it, "war is a failure on both sides...because we had to resort to war to handle the situation. Both sides failed to do things rationally." But, I guess sometimes it's necessary. Look at WWII. Anyway, I'm not saying anything about the war on terror. I'm not sure what to think of it right now.

If we look at the Terrorists as something other than people, then we have lost already. The Terrorists believe that they're doing the right thing, even though it's wrong. It's being handled in the wrong way if you do it through violence.

But, God loves them too. Is anybody perfect? No. All people make mistakes. Everyone, no matter what you are, is still human. Jesus died for everyone and every person that dies, whether terrorist or not is a loss.

If you look on our side, Graner the head person who was in charge of the prison atrocities in Iraq was asked, "Do you have any regrets?" He said, "no" as he was being led in handcuffs to the prision van after he was sentenced to 10 years. Friends or family said that Graner believed in "treating people the same way he wanted to be treated."

If that's not hypocrisy then I don't know what is. What Graner did is wrong. He believed that he was doing something right. He was, "just following orders," as he put it. And in my opinion, he got off light. I hope that the people who ordered him will get more severe sentences. But I know that they are safe from this.

But, it's so easy to say that "he's such a terrible person." If he is or isn't, he's human and there is worth in him still. God loves him as God loves everybody. Jesus died for him too.

If you don't believe me, look up this passage found here.

So, what I'm trying to say in short is, don't look at people as anything less than human. Even the worst of us is loved by God. I know, because I was one of the worst at a time in my life. But God did some work in my life through many people, people praying for me, and people's actions towards me. God has the power to change people's hearts. He works through those who are willing to be used for His glory.

Yeah, God's love does not excuse us from what we do. We will all be accountable for what we do according to our deeds. But know this, all people have worth. No matter what you think of them, or what you say about them, or what you see them do, all people have worth. Why? Because God says that each person has worth enough for Him to love us and even to die for us.
There is no partiality with God.

One last thing. If you try to help people, then there's always the chance that they will bite you. They may try to hurt you because of many things. Be careful if you try to help others. I'm not saying, don't help others, what I'm saying is, be alert and be wary. Don't be naive.

Jesus tells his disciples, "Be as shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves." His promises that He says after that are true too.

Anyway, I've wrote a long winded post. It just upsets me to see that people just don't understand what being human is all about. We know things from our perspective, yet we don't see things as the truth. You got to realize that we're all imperfect and that we all make mistakes. Yet if we don't see our mistakes, then we and others around us are in trouble. And, if we think that we're somehow better than others, then you've just put your heads up in the clouds and have made yourself to be an idol.

In short, looking down on people, or thinking that you are better than anyone else is practically the same thing.

Yeah, I feel strongly about this. Don't we believe that "all men are created equal." No man is better than the next. God is the judge of all people. We are not qualified to be the judge.

And yes, the recent thing I read really made me angry. People are people, no matter where they're from.

Sometimes I wonder what the future will bring.

Thoughts

Some things come to mind as I am contemplating my life. "Are you doing what you need to do?" "Are you making things happen?" "Are you being a good steward of what you have?"

To all three I say no. I'm coming to think that when the time comes for me to do something that I'll be unprepared.

Got to pick up where I left off and start again. You may ask what I'm talking about...I'm talking about fate.

Okay, end the blog and start now. =)

Days go by...

I'm starting to think that I'm not going to get a call back from the head hunter company. I'm thinking that I need to check out the newspaper again.

Just one thing that came to mind yesterday. About the test that they were going to do on me, I'm wondering if it was a drug test. If it was so, then I probably should have went through with it on the same day. But yeah, just for the record, I'm not on drugs. If it was a drug test, then I can only imagine, unless I am actually tested.

To pass the time, I've started watching Smallville from the 2nd season. I plan on buying the first season once I get a job. I like the series because it deals a lot with human emotions and personalities. Plus, something strange and weird happens every episode. It always ends with some sort of lesson at the end about relationships. It's fun and entertaining, so I'd recommend this series to anyone who likes watching dramas.

Also, I've taken up a volunteer translation thing, so I'll see what they think about my work. But it's only one article about the Japanese American internment, so I'm interested in what this newspaper has to say. It's a Japanese newspaper that's writing about this. The article was published in October 2004.

Anyway, there's things that I need to do, so I'll end here.

They're going to test me. In what I don't know. I should have asked, but I didn't want it to sound like I was going to cram before it. Anyway, I'm guessing it's in Japanese, or word processing and 10 key. Anyway, the only thing that I really don't know well is Excel. The other things, I should have no problem with.

I went in today to a head hunter company. If you don't know what those are, they submit your resume to employers who pay them to find potential employees. I've had a run in with a head hunter company before, and was offered a job, but I didn't take it. The commute was really long...say about 1 hour 45 minutes in traffic one way. Anyway, I'm not sure if I'll be so lucky this time. My friend tells me that I should have taken the job. Well...I'm starting to think that he is right.

Anyway, with more practice, I'll be successful. I might not get the job that I really really want, but hey, I just got to put food on the table. I'm hopeful that I will do well.

This situation reminds me of a Japanese drama about a successful businessman who really has no love for people. And the people who are in a poor neighborhood about to be torn down by this businessman, who really have love for each other, but no success in the business world.

Anyway, if you can guess already, they impact one another and they all change for the better. The twists and turns in the drama make it a very interesting one to watch, but it has some culture that you might not understand. Some things are sentimental to Japanese people, whereas it might not be to others. But, in all respects, it's a touching drama, even though it's not developed really well.

The ending shows how they all changed because of each other, the businessman, and the community of people. And don't worry, it's a positive ending.

Anyway, I'm sure that things will work out fine. I have hope, and I'm not going to give up so easily.

You may be asking how the drama fits into this post. Lets say that it fits more in the process of my life.

I took a chance and it's paying off. I might have a job soon. But, I have no idea which company it is for. Anyway, if things go right, then I'll be earning a little dough.

My plan is to get a job in the meantime, and earn some income. Then, after work, study Japanese. Simple plan, right? All I can say is that it's going to take some conscious effort to get this done.

Another Sunday, another opportunity missed...

My alarm went off playing some beautiful music. Apparently they were advertising this guy over national radio. He was playing the violin pretty wickedly and that helped me to be content with keeping my eyes closed.

I went back to sleep after my radio turned off an hour later. I wake up and see that it's 11am. Service is over already. For all the times that I've gone late, I didn't feel like going late again and hearing some comment about how late I am. I guess my church family doesn't know that I took it personally, but I don't hold it against them. I know that it is my fault for not going to sleep early enough, and part of it isn't my fault. However, I'd rather not post why it's not my fault and reveal more than I want to.

Anyway, a good speaker was supposed to be speaking today at service. A man I really respect. For some reason, it seems like I miss all the good services due to oversleeping and the fact that I really don't want to hear some comments from people that are supposed to be my family.

I know that it's important to go to church every Sunday and learn, be in community, and help others who need help. Regardless of me knowing these things, I often find that I just go to church and not learn anything at all. Why? I don't reflect on the message; I don't try to change. Sometimes sundays are just filled with so much stuff, that I really just don't want to get out of bed and do all those things. Depression? Maybe...

Anyway, I plan to go to church next week. I know that going to church is better than not going to church. It's better because something good can happen, whereas if you don't go, then nothing happens. Taking a chance on anything, there is a possibility that something could go wrong. But, for some reason, whenever I go, I find that my week is much better, I feel more alive, and sometimes, just sometimes, I try to apply something that I learned on Sunday.

I feel like I'm stuck in a rut right now as I've been going to church almost every sunday of 2004. But, I know that I can change this if I want to. I have a plan, and I'm going to work on it.

It's not something that you do only on Sundays, but something that you should do everyday. Sunday is a special day of the week. But, for me, it's hard. I guess for me, dealing with people has never been easy. But, to me, this is what makes life worth living. God, and the people in your life.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this 'Love your neighbor as yourself'. There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31

Sometimes, I'd rather not post. heh.

If I thought of myself as ignorant, I couldn't have thought that more after reading Noam Chomsky's article on G Chan's website. You can find it here.

Click on Noam Chomsky and also check out the website that it's on. The website has some info about what is actually happening that isn't covered by the regular media.

I now remember why I was angry at America in 1999. Things haven't changed. America is not better than it was 100 years ago. Even 50 years ago, if you still compare it, things haven't changed. All we do is see what good America does. We're always kept in the dark about the things that are bad that America does.

That, is why I really don't want to work for the American Gov.

Things work out

Okay, so yesterday it was snowing while I was walking the dog. It couldn't have been any worse of a time. I had to drop my brother off at the airport and I also had to mail out some medicine to my dad. Being that my dad forgot his medicine before he went out and needed it soon. So he requested it be shipped overnight.

I came home and went to sleep and lo and behold when I wake up, it's gone. The one time that sleeping my problems away worked. No, I'm just kidding.

Well, things worked out.

On another note, I got turned down from a southside job agency. Apparently they didn't have any jobs for me. But, even though I probably won't get a good job right away, I'm still hopeful that I could earn enough to live on. My parents like having me home and I enjoy their company also. All I need to pay for is some expenses and save up money. I just need any type of job right now...well, actually, I won't do anything, but yeah, any decent job will do.

I'm hopeful that I'll get a good job later on. My Japanese skills aren't the best right now, but with some practice everyday, then I'm sure that it will become a lot better. In the meantime I have a Japanese newspaper to read. I've been kind of been taking a break from Japanese after the test. So getting back in the habit of reading will be a very good thing.

I wonder what the future holds for me. I'm hopeful that there will be some good things in there. But I know that it all can't be good. What I keep telling myself is that I need to rely on God the most and just not worry about what is coming. I know that I'm not prepared to face what is to come. I know that it will come like a ton of bricks and if I'm not strong enough to hold up under it, it'll crush me.

But, even if I am unprepared, I know that things will be alright. Life is harsh, and reality will not be the best, but still, there will be some good out there trying to make right what is wrong.

I guess I'm optimistic about the future. No sense worrying about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. The one thing that I have is God, and despite what happens, God will always be there.

One thing that my brother told me was that, "you need to be a good steward of what you have. Your skills, your money, your time, your possessions that God has given to you. Sometimes, you'll receive good things because you've taken such good care of the things that you have." He got a scholarship, because he worked hard on his skills and it has made life a little better. Anyway, it might be hard to understand what I'm talking about. But yeah, you'll never know what will come, you can only do what you can now and if you invest well, then you might get something back. My brother would never have gotten that scholarship if he didn't work on his skills everyday. He didn't even ask for it, his teacher recommended him for this scholarship, because he was doing very well.

So, with that said, work hard and invest your time wisely. You'll never know what is coming. You might be rewarded for the good that you do, or you might not. But, you'll never know how things will work out if you didn't have the right things at the right time.

Tsunami news and Reality

My dad was telling me that on CNN today, while they were debating, one guy said that the US should spend the money and build South East Asia a Tsunami warning system. The kid announcer immediately replies, "How much is that going to cost?!"

The guy responds, "10, 15, 20 million." The kid responds, "Why should the US spend so much on another country?! What are we, the world's keeper?"

My dad says, "The obvious answer is, now the US is spending 250 million right now for emegency aid and supplies. How much is 25 million in comparison to 250 million? They're trying to save people's lives with this system."

I found that interesting that the announcer would make a comment that is a biblical reference. But at House of Faith one night, a guy spoke saying, "I think that we are our brother's keeper." I don't remember too much about what he spoke about, only that he said that if we have something against our brother or sister, then we should tell them about it and try to make peace with ourselves and them.

Anyway, this Tsunami is just a wake up call. It could happen again to South East Asia. Since they have little money to build such a system, and we have a lot, wouldn't it be worth it to help out our neighbors and build a little goodwill?

There are people starving and dying out there in countries that have little resources. The US has plenty. While we're getting fat, a whole lot of people are skin and bones. Part of the problem is ourselves and the things we don't do.

That's still not saying that there's no problems in the US either. If you look around in the US also, there is homelessness and people who are capable of doing a job well, just not being able to get back on their feet. Things like Tent Cities give people chances to build up their life again, yet people are angry that these are being made, because some of the people that live there are kind of shady. I can understand why people would protest it, but yeah, this world is broken. If we do nothing, then we'll only let this place go to Hell. If we do something, we'll get criticized, but at least we're making this world a better place.

So, after digressing this far and getting into helping SE Asia and their Tsunami warning system, would you rather do nothing? Or would you rather do something and get criticized for it. It's only 120,000 people dead from the Tsunami. What's 120,000 more? (Note I'm being sarcastic. This is a heck of a lot of people.)

Another Year gone by...Goodbye 2004

Last night, we were asked to share what we learned from God in 2004. Being the last minute person that I am, I didn't prepare for it. I spent too much of my time enjoying my family during the holiday seasons. My sister came up from California with her husband and we spent lots of time playing poker, video games, and just talking. So, with that I didn't make time to really reflect on 2004.

I admit that I'm not good with words, and what came out was not the greatest. I actually ended up telling what I struggled with instead of what God taught me. And what I shared was not exactly reality, but how I perceived things. Well...next year, I'll prepare in advance and write down what God teaches me as I learn it.

Thinking about 2004, I realize that it was a hard year for me. I took more classes than I have ever taken before and I was just exhausted, made little time for God, and invested little in the people around me. Being older than everyone else, I was expected to reach out and not be reached out to. (I guess that's a sign of maturity to reach out and not expect to be reached out to, but I was experiencing need and I just didn't reach out.)

It was tough, but what God taught me was that despite what I or anybody else thinks, I am not important, but important. Let me explain.

I am not important in that I am not necessarily needed here. Nobody really needs me. Even if I were needed, I still wouldn't be that important. But, in God's eyes, I am important. Don't get me wrong, the kingdom will go on without me, but God loves me and cares for me and gives me worth. He cares enough for me that He would die for me. That's true for everyone else too.

I put God off and focused solely on improving my grades and trying to prepare for a good job after college. Both fell through. I saw that my grades are not the most important thing in the world, even though important to finding a job. And I found that a job is just a way to earn money. Even though there is more than that involved sometimes.

What really mattered the most was the two things that I was putting off. God and people. It was a very unfruitful year and I didn't make an impact. Well, not a very big impact.

I felt that things didn't work out very well. I felt like I shrank instead of grow. But the thing that I am still trying to get back into is a personal relationship with God and building friendships with people.

While I was trying to sleep one night, I remembered the two most important things. "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind and with all your strength. And the second commandment is this, love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these" (Mark 12:30-31)

I guess I knew it. But sometimes what we actually learn is not what we know or gain in knowledge, but how we live out that knowledge in our life. I'm talking in a context of life change. For example, a person could say that he's learned to control his anger, yet his friends say otherwise. If you actually learn something that is life changing, then you'll be changed by it.

I have a long way to go. 2004 wasn't my greatest year, but it did reaffirm what is important. What I thought I knew. Not saying that grades or a job isn't important. Those are important and you should do them with your best efforts. But, really, in the grandscheme of things, these are only minor, even though a large part of your life.

Goodbye 2004. It was a tough year, but I'll remember what are most important.

Tsunami

If you haven't heard, check the news. A Tsunami hit South East Asia just a couple of days ago. The death toll is in the tens of thousands right now...I think it was 60,000 from one person I heard from. It's expected to double from diseases caused by the dead bodies and waterborne diseases.

I really don't want to write more about this. But yeah, it's terrible and it's going to get worse. Relief programs are trying to help, but it's going to take a lot of money. No matter how big or small any bit helps. Check out www.worldvision.org or other places like www.Amazon.com (I stole this from GC's website.)

Seeing stories from people who have lost family from the Tsunami...I can't imagine what they're feeling. I know that bad things happen...from time to time. They're happening all the time...

I really don't feel like posting anything else right now...

So many things, so many distractions. Okay, I need a job.

I have been looking into a application for this church in Japan. I wonder if I'll be able to do a good job there. The contract is 3 months, but I'm thinking that it's going to be a very stressful three months. Why? I really think that the Japanese churches are really on fire for God and want you to do really well in your job. Being kind of lazy right now, I'm thinking that I might get sent home early. But we'll see if I get the job or not.

With another Christmas season passing, I'm finding that a lot of things are changing. Change is good, but not always. I guess that was a generic statement. But I'm both happy and sad that things are changing. Happy that people are moving on and moving forward in their lives. Sad that I'm still living at home and feeling like I might not get a job any time soon.

I'm also sad that I feel like I haven't changed all that much while everyone else is changing a lot. I guess it depends on what we do with our days and what we choose to invest in. I can say that I've invested a lot of time in video games now that the holiday season is here and everyone else is home.

Going away

Something my dad said yesterday is causing me to rethink where I want to be. It's nothing bad, but he just mentioned that we should probably move away from where we grew up so that we would not be stifled. I wonder if going to Japan would be a good thing for me.

Writing some personal stuff down, I found that it was therapeutic to actually write them down and think things through.

Sometimes I feel that it is better to leave some things left unsaid. But part of me wants to make my voice heard.

I know that God has a plan for my life. Despite the twists and turns, there is a plan. Yet I can't help but think, what is it? Am I following it? Am I better off than I was 5 years ago? I know that I definitely am better off.

There is hope in the day today. Each day has hope and each day is yours. What you do with your time can make all the difference.

Living in the past

I remember when I was a kid. Things were a lot simpler, but I was not happy. I always lived with the mistakes that I've made. I still live with them, even though I don't remember them. Part of me has a hard time letting things go, even when they're gone and I'm just gripping hard at empty space.

One event sticks out at me and I see that my life changed dramtically because of that. Both bad and good. Another comes to mind and I see that yeah, I could have done better in what I did.

But all in all, I never really remember the things that I have done well. It's like I need evidence that I actually did something well. It shows you how strong the negative is. The negatives come and keep a grip on my life.

But, at least they keep things real. Don't get me wrong though, the positives are definitely worth remembering. I remember a lot of them and laugh in nostalgia. But why I live in the past is something that I don't want to share.

Living in the now is hard. But I have resolutions to make and I feel that this is one that I should make. So here goes nothing, it's said. Hopefully I'll follow through. I'd better. My life depends on it. Not life and death, but my future.

Why am I here?

This is something that I continually ask myself in light of why God didn't allow me to die when I had lost all hope in 9th grade. I was helped a great deal and my views of myself have changed since then. Still, part of me from the past lurks within me and asks, "Why am I here?" "What purpose do I have here?"

I may never know those answers in my lifetime. But one thing is clear, people do make a difference in another person's life. It could be either good or bad. But it depends also on our reaction and how we deal with the other influences.

What I found to be powerful, was that in spite of how bad things got in my life, I could use them as a testimony for the good that God has done in my life. How low I've come to be where I am now. And it didn't come solely through prayer, but through people who were the answers to those prayers.

I can honestly say that I'm here because people have impacted me a great deal and I have changed. But what I can also say is, not all of my old self has gone and part of me still wonders, "Would life be better without me?" For the last question, I can say yes and no.

What keeps me here is hope. It helps me get through the day and know that something great could happen each day. For me, I wake up feeling tired, but everyday starts anew and I feel better than I did when I went to sleep. (That is unless I go to sleep upset.) Christ helps me through His word in the Bible and prayer. I cannot say that I could go on without Him. He is my strength and my hope and also a source of a lot of discomfort.

Anyway, why I'm writing this, I don't know. Only that after I got baptized today, I kept asking myself, "Am I going to be more serious now? Am I going to follow after Him? Or am I going to keep on ignoring Him?" (That Him is Christ and my walk of faith.)

I have committed my life for Him. I want to be part of something special and longlasting. Not letting my life drain away as I go through each day, but taking part of something each day, whether it be something small or big. But, in light of my commitments, I find that I fall short a lot. Hence the questions, am I really committed or am I just saying things again?

God didn't save me for nothing. But part of me wonders, am I missing out on what I should be doing? I guess writing about it won't make too much of a difference. But I guess maybe this is a way that I voice my thoughts. Hmm...makes me wonder if I should write this somewhere else.

Baptism

I got baptized today. It was a great day as I finally proclaimed that Jesus is my Savior and Lord. I'm not sure what the significance is to it, only that it is expressing the commitment that I made. I'm sure that that's what it is.

God has done so much in my life, it's time to stand up for what I believe in.

I've got to pray. I hope that things will go alright. Why do I leave these things to the last minute?

Sometimes there's nothing to say, but lots to do.

JLPT

I got there early. It was already crowded with people eager to take the test and people cramming at the last minute fitting images of words into their minds. I basically didn't care about studying at the last minute at that point, because I knew that my test would have at least 1000 words that you would need to know. It could have been that I just wasn't expecting to pass this test from the previous results of the practice test.

As I walked in, someone called my name. I was surprised, because the cynical part of me wants to think that people don't like me and don't have very good impressions of me. (In the latter part of my years at the university, I've grown to be like this, because I moved out of the dorms and lost contact with a lot of my social life.) But to my surprise, it was someone whom I met in the dorms some 4 years ago.

We met in my Sophmore year, her freshman year, and both have a passion for Japan. She's half Japanese, and I'm a third. heh. We both weren't very good at Japanese at the time, but apparently she has gotten a lot better, because she was taking level 1, the hardest test. I was taking level 2.

Since July, she has been working for a Japanese company and loves her job. She gave me the name and info of the person she works for and told me to turn in my resume. "It couldn't hurt" she added when I told her that my Japanese is horrible. I gratefully took it and put it in my wallet. Wow, I totally wasn't expecting to apply to any Japanese companies this soon. We parted when the test started and she told me, "Ganbatte" (Good luck). "Nice girl," I thought.

The test was rough. It was harder than all the previous tests that were given before. I hope that the people giving the test didn't read my blog about it not showing how proficient a person is, because I really didn't catch everything and I do think that this test does show some basic material that is essential to master. But probably they just thought that there were too many people passing, so they upped it up a notch. It was a lot harder than I expected it to be.

It was a pretty rough test, but we'll see what the results will be. I might have done better than I thought. But for now, I really need to find any type of job and study Japanese in the meantime.

Gambling as a Job?

My dad told me that he thinks that I should go with my brother to the casinos and earn some money gambling. My brother told him how I beat all of them at Texas Hold 'em when I went to visit. I thought that it was funny that my dad would say something like that, being that he wanted to get a stable job when he was young. Hmm...I could try gambling, but I know that I would lose more than I would win. Yeah, gambling wouldn't be fun if you won every single time. The thrill does come in winning, only because the reality is you'll lose more than you'll win (odds stacked against you). Unless luck is on your side, or you're really good.

Got to pray

Seeing things in this world is really telling me, pray and seek direction. We'll see where I end up. =)

About the last post

I wrote some things that probably made some people upset or angry in my last post. Or, maybe to some people, it sounded like I was whining.

That probably wasn't my best post. But let me clarify some things.

People do not have to see worth in me. It really does not matter if others see me as a nobody or not. Really, I cannot help that if people do, and I know that I should not post my frustrations on the web. But, what I wanted to get across was this. Because Christ died for all people and saw worth in all people, shouldn't we have the same attitude towards all people as well?

I know that it's not always so in this world. I know that we as human beings are imperfect. But, shouldn't we strive to be more like Christ? Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And love your neighbor as yourself. Those things I was trying to get across.

Each person is important. No matter how small a role they play, or how big. Their worth is not seen in their job, what they do, what they say, or how others see them. But their worth is determined by God. Christ died for the ungodly. He died for us. But also for those whom we deem unworthy.

Why I wrote that last post

I've felt from time to time that I had no worth. Recently, I've kept asking "Why am I here?" That question goes unanswered, because nobody can answer that for me.

I've had to rethink things and see that I do have worth. I am worth something. And so is everyone else. No matter how worthless they feel, or think they are, they are worth a lot.

I think the reason why people in general saw no worth in me, was because I felt like I had no worth. Maybe I was imagining things, but to me, it was real.

The truth is, nobody can give you worth. You have to find it in yourself. Another person cannot give that to you, because they cannot make you into something else. You just have to recognize the worth inside of yourself. And when you do, others will see the worth in you.

I have remebered things like this from some helpful reminders. Really, I have a lot to be thankful for.

Thoughts

I like to think. It may not always be clear what I'm trying to say, but the concept is there in my head.

Sometimes I'm just slower to say things rather than blurt out what I think. It was better this way, because I would end up hurting some people's feelings from my impulsive words.

Anyway, speech has never been a gift of mine. But I do have my own thoughts and ideas about things. From today's bible study, I'm thinking about faith and just how that fits into my own life.

Faith, I believe in God and Jesus and that He died for us. I know that He can do anything. But what I also know is that He doesn't do everything for us, or so has been my experience.


I know that you can't base your picture of who God is on your experiences, but I've found that some of my experiences have, or so I think, helped me to know God better. Things such as prayer, serving others, and trials. While other experiences have given me more questions than answers.

I wonder exactly what being a Christian is all about. And I know that it's about loving God and loving people. But looking at that statement from that sentence really doesn't dig into how deep of a statement it truly is. It's harder than you think.

Anyway, God will judge everyone at the end of times, so I should not judge them. He will judge me too. But yeah, I guess what I should do is not worry about how people treat me and just know that I am a great person. I am a winner. Even though everyone may think I'm a loser, God calls me a winner.

"Why do I say that?" you may ask. Tony Campolo put it best when he said in a sermon. He brought up an ordinary guy who was kind of fat and old. He said, "Do you see this guy? This guy is a winner!"

He explained that there was a big race. Thousands of others like him ran down a big tube and were racing for the prize. And he won!

He explained that we're no accident. Even if you weren't meant to happen by your parents, God meant for you to happen! The guy he brought up there is a winner. And so is everyone else.


I actually saw Tony Campolo and heard him speak at a church south of where I live. We traveled from Presby some 30 miles to hear him speak. It was definitely worth it. He is a very dynamic speaker and he has a great understanding of the Bible and the gospel.

Anyway, he was promoting a program called REACH ministry, which is a ministry that helps kids infected with AIDS. This ministry helps buy medicine for the kids that have AIDS and also sponsors a camp for them. The kids shown in the video are great. Yet, they are judged by other people because they have AIDS. This disease is something that they're born with and not something that they had by choice.

But yeah, getting back to all of us. God sees us all as winners. We won the race in the beginning of our lives. God loves us all. God also loves those who are looked down by us.

Really, the gospel is good news! It's a sign of God's love. AACF's theme verse was 1 John 3:16. It goes, "This is how we know what love is. Jesus Christ laid down his life for us, how we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."

Anyway, there's lots of things that are wrong in this world. But who am I to judge other people? I am here to do what I know to be right. Not judge others. God is good. God is great. And God sees things differently than man. For "while man looks at the outward appearances, God looks at the heart."

Anyway, you may be asking who I'm talking about. Really, no one in particular. But, I know that there are some people who don't see worth in me. I guess I'm a little bitter about that, but I know that God loves them too. Regardless of how we treat each other, God's love for us will never change, despite how our love for each other changes.

"I shouldn't worry about whether or not people like me or not. I can't help that. But what I can do is worry about what I can do. That I can help." My thoughts may not be important to others, but they're important to me. I have worth. I have a soul. I am important. And these three things are true for everyone else.

The quote in the last paragraph is from an interview from Jack Nicklaus, the famous golfer.

Last push

Well, after last week's holiday I admit that I spent most of the time doing other things besides studying. I've just picked it up again, and have to double my speed to get to where I wanted to be before the test. The test is on Sunday.

Anyway, I'm not too worried about it. I'm not sure if I can pass it, but I think that I have some chance. We'll see if I worked hard enough when the test comes around.

GC is back!!!

Well, there was a nice get together for GC this past Sunday. It was cool to welcome him back and see some old friends that I haven't seen for awhile. We played Halo 2 and ate some won tons. It was a really good time.

The thing that I keep on thinking about is my weird behavior. I think that I'm just feeling uncomfortable around people, and that people sense that and I get weird looks. I guess it would be safe to say that if you're acting weird, people will give you weird looks. But all in all, I think that everyone who went had a good time and didn't notice how I was acting.

Fantasy sports

For some odd reason, my team is doing quite well in basketball. I look at other people's scoreboards and see that they have more points, rebounds, assists, blocks, etc. racked up than I do in mine. I don't think that my team is going to stay on top for very long, but we'll see. I might just get lucky and my players might do better than expected. There are a lot of factors that play into these things, even though it's based on stats. I think that CA is going to win. We'll see.

You've got to pray~~~~uh!

If you don't know where that's from, it's a line from one of MC Hammer's songs. No idea what song, but I saw the video in 12th grade and it scarred me ever since. It's funny, because I saw that video in class and the person doing the report got sick of it in a very short amount of time.

MC Hammer, he really is a good entertainer. He has skills. When he tried to make his comeback, people didn't give him a chance. But I guess from stuff like that video I saw, the repetitiveness of his lyrics just got to people. It got to me, because the line, "You've got to Prayyyyyyyy~uh!" came up so many times. I guess it's true that if you repeat something enough, you'll remember it.

But what he is trying to encourage is true. I really need to pray. Prayer has changed my life, because God actually hears prayers. Anyway, I need to pray. uh! Because I haven't been doing it enough.

Traditions

Thanksgiving this year was good, but for some reason, I didn't feel thankful. There's lots to be thankful for. My parents haven't kicked me out of the house and are letting me stay there for awhile; I have my life and health; and some good friends. But, not feeling thankful wasn't the problem. I felt like I had forgotten God.

My relationship with God doesn't seem to be going the best, because I have no schedule and I always seem to put God last. Every time that I try to put God first, I fall asleep praying and go into the cycle of praying while I'm sleeping. (It's usually a bunch of gibberish.) Maybe I just need to stop writing about this and spend time with God in prayer and in His word.

I feel like I'm just going through motions and I'm not doing something positive with what I'm learning. I feel so much like a hypocrite who wants good things to happen, yet does nothing to help others to make them happen. And I know that our faith is not about the doing part, but, if you have faith, then what you do will show what you believe. Anyway, yeah, I guess this will have to take some effort rather than just writing on a blog.

Anyway, I do feel alive when doing ministry. But not so much of the ministry inside the church, but rather outside. It's exciting to meet new people and learn who they are. I know that there are so many people who don't know God, that could know God if we just reached out to them. Didn't Jesus reach out to the people who need help?

The question is, how do you do that? Something I'm still trying to learn as I go along.

Anyway, I've got to study. I'll post more later.

JLPT is coming up

Man, I'm not really wanting to go do this test. I feel so unprepared, but I guess if I work on it to the end, I'm sure that I'll do alright. Maybe I'll pass, but probably not. The thing that gets me the most is the comprehension part. Yeah, speech was never my strong point. I should have majored in music. heh.

Anyway, I'm sure that I'll be able to find a job of some sort for the time being after the test. I don't think that I'll be able to take a job using Japanese at the moment.

Anyway, I'm going to stick it to this test. And if it sticks me, I'll just have to train harder afterwards.

Dilligence and Boxing

Like anything, if you want to get good at something, you're going to have to invest a lot of time and effort and practice into it. I've learned from playing piano 13 years that you don't learn a very hard piece overnight. It takes weeks, if not months to learn the whole thing and to play it well. Plus to maintain it, you have to keep practicing over and over until you can get it right. (Note there are also methods that you can use or invent that will help you do something right. Examples are finger exercises, practicing a small portion of the piece until you can get that done well, and not taking in too much at once.) Frankly if you want to do something that you can achieve, it's going to take work.

For me, after coming home from a tutoring session with my teacher and my friends, I was really bummed out. I am not ready for this test and I spent most of today just moping around. I basically was so bummed that I just kept trying to make myself feel better and find some inspiration.

I found that some things do not come easily to most people, such as piano, and even if you can't do it that doesn't mean that you're stupid. Who is anyone to judge another person if they are stupid or not. When you label someone, you don't see them as a person, but the label. In a way, you lessen their humanity in your eyes. Yeah, I thought someone called me a moron and I thought that my teacher called me lazy. So I was partly bummed out because of that. But, what they say doesn't matter right now. (I'm not sure if they even called me that, but I thought that it was true, so it hurt.) I've gotten past that for now. It was a good chance to look at reality and where I am right now.

My new motto for right now is, "Stick it to 'em." It goes with the picture of a boxer. Granted I'm no boxer, but just the image of how much they struggle to keep in shape and be better than everyone else at what they do encourages me to work hard and become the best at whatever I will do. Stick it to 'em, if you didn't know means to throw punches. Granted it's only your opponent that you're throwing punches at. So don't take it the wrong way that I mean this to anybody. My opponent is not people. A better word could be translated as "Adversary."

This world will try to bring you down. People are not perfect and they will also try to bring you down from time to time over small things. But people should not be your enemy. God loves all people and really we should be trying to help people, but it doesn't always come out that way I know. Anyway, forgive others as God has forgiven you. But make sure that you let them know about their wrong if you have anything against them.

I've believe that choices that you make will determine which path you walk. We all have choices each and every day. How we deal with them and how we resolve them will make a big difference in our lives. Sometimes we'll need help with them. Your Pastor or counselor might be able to help you work things out.

Japanese Language Proficiency Test

It's not looking good for me in terms of this test. But I figure, it's only a test. If I don't pass, then it's not the end of the world. Even though I did spend a lot of money for preparation of this test, I know that there are other things that matter more. If I don't pass, I'll take it next year. If I do pass, then I'll try for level one.

Anyway, I know that I'm not good at Japanese, but I know with a lot of training and diligence I'll become better and better until I'll learn how to speak Japanese effectively.

Star Wars Episode III

I'm excited for the new Star Wars episode coming out. It's coming out in May, but you can view the trailer at www.starwars.com

The trailer is only the teaser so far, but I think that this will be much better than Episode 2. Well, I hope it will be. With the closing of the series, it better be good. heh

They should go LOTR style and make it 3 hours. 2 hours is just too short to tie in all the details. I hope that Lucas will do a better job in this one than he did in Episode I.

Rethinking video games

After thinking about what I wrote yesterday, I can say that the results that happened to me didn't necessarily come only through video games, but through people as well as other things. Video games were just part of the experiences that I actually gained.

Video games are fun, but they can be harmful. There is a direct coralation between how depressed a depressed person gets and how much time they spend playing video games. The reason is that they spend time alone while playing video games, or they don't talk that much while they're concentrating. Depression can worsen if a person spend too much time alone.

I'm not saying video games are bad. But just saying that you need balance in your life. All of one thing cannot be good for someone. People need to be a part of your life and you need to do other things besides work.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. But all play and no work makes me lazy.

Lately, I've been trying to study for the Japanese Language proficiency test. It's coming up in three weeks. I don't feel ready for it, so I've put limits on how much video games I play. I have so many, and I want to play them and beat them, but it's just not right to spend your life as a hermit. Without other people telling you if you're going a wrong way, you might not see if you actually are.

Anyway, back to work, so basically my job right now is studying for the Japanese Language test. I've been getting some good hours, but not too much clarification. Sometimes there aren't enough examples.

For example, the phrase "kaneru" in Japanese, is used after a verb which means... the verb and kaneru shows that you want to do that verb, but don't. In my preparation book, it just says, "hard to do", or "there's a psychological block, so you can't do it." That's fine, but it didn't tell me that you wanted to do that, but couldn't. My prep book just isn't very good. And I can see why this test really doesn't show that you can use the language, but only understand it. However, it does show that you are in some way fluent.

Tests in Japan
For some reason, tests are big in Japan. I think it goes back to China where you would have to pass a test to get some sort of certification and then you could serve in the royal house and become rich. It was kind of like getting a college degree, only that this was more extreme. The tests were hard, and a lot more is based on those tests.

So for Japan, you need to take tests to get into preschools, elementary schools, Jr. High schools, and High schools, then college. What you score on your test determines where you will go. It's pretty crazy in that I've heard that some of the information on the tests that you study is just basically rote memorization. It seems like most of it is basically useless or just trivia.

I have never taken a test in Japan, but seeing some of the number problems for elementary schools does test your knowledge. So not all the problems are useless. Some really test your IQ.

Living in Asia is crazy. The students that come here the University that I went to (in the US), from Asia, are basically top notch students. The schools really are hard on the kids. I would guess that I wouldn't like living in Asia if I were a kid. America, the land of opportunity...I guess America isn't such a bad place to live.

Foreign schools

You'd be surprised at how good some schools are around the world. A person that I met that works for a prominent computer company said that in the philippines, she went to school when it was dark, and would come home when it was dark. She learned basically everything that we learned in our schools, only earlier. When she came to the US, she was skipped ahead 2-3 grades, because she knew all the info for the grade level that she was placed in because of her age. She is actually younger than me and has been working for about 2-3 years already. Crazy.

Granted she did go to a private Catholic school in the Philippines, but still, just seeing how good some of the schools are oveseas does kind of make you wonder why the US doesn't accept some of the foreign schools as equal.

This one guy that I met from Iran took about 2 years of college in Iran. He came to the US and had to start from scratch in the University that I attended, because they wouldn't accept his transfer credits. He complained to me that it was such a simple class, he didn't know why they had to give him so much hw. (It was one of the Physics calculus series weed out classes.) hehe
Man, I'm glad I'm out of school. =)

Anyway, yeah, not too interesting today, but yeah, it helps me to write things out. Yeah, this test will be important, but still, what's more important is the application after the test. I guess the Japanese Language Proficiency Test is a good way to learn some of the basics of the language and advance later. Hmm...even though I'm complaining about the stuff that I have, it's still not bad. And I'm sure that I can learn this from some native speaker or somebody.

Video games...so many, so little time to play them

Man, despite how many games I have, I haven't played very many of them. It could be that when I entered college I made a promise not to play video games in the dorms. I stuck to that promise and ended up doing something other than playing video games or doing homework. I started to socialize.

Yeah, I realized how empty life was when there's no friends in your life. I had done so many great things in my video game world, but nobody really cared. I found that I really didn't have very many friends in high school. Even in Jr. High, my friends started to find their own groups. Jr. High was a very tough time in making adjustments both physically and socially. The people that I did make friends with during those times were not necessarliy the best people to hang around.

I had a goal to become popular and have lots of friends in 12th grade. That never came, but the year afterwards, my dream came true.

As I look at how my life has progressed, I see that one event led to another event. It didn't magically appear. I had to make something happen. I had to work at something to make it into a reality. It wasn't until I stopped playing video games my 11th grade year that things started to move in the right direction.

Anyway, enough about the past. I could go on for a long time about it. There was a lot of bad, but there was a lot of good. I'm just glad that my brother was praying for me throughout that time. It helped so much. So much, because the direction that I took led to a better life for myself. I just hope that I don't waste too much more of my life doing things that don't matter.

Even with that said, I still enjoy video games. I play them on the weekends or when I have finished a significant amount of work. I know that they can ruin my life if I get too involved with them, but still they are a good distraction from time to time.

I guess I wrote this entry because I'm trying to remind myself not to play that many video games and to work on improving my own life. My social skills are not the greatest, but college has helped in changing parts of that. I, again, state that I write on my blog mainly for reminders to myself. I don't write everything, because it's not like I want to tell the whole world everything that's happening. But I do think that it can help people in their own lives as well.

Anyway, you don't have to agree with everything. This is mainly a journal of my thoughts.

Back to video games

I am finding that my main goal in playing these video games is to get an idea of how people speak in Japanese. But mainly I play, because it's a fun way to pass the time, and a good way to learn some new commonly used kanji.

I've learned some lessons from video games though. They weren't a complete waste of time.

"Try again, and don't get angry if you fail." I find that it's a great way to gain tenacity. It's a different way, but still it taught me to not get so angry when someone loses a football game, or doesn't come through on a project.

"Improving takes time and lots of practice." In RPGs, role playing games, especially in Final Fantasy, there are some mini side quests that involve a lot of patience and practice. It's kind of pointless in that you only receive something in the game because of your hard work. But, you learn that like anything, if you want to get good at something, you've got to put in the time and practice. Just like learning an instrument or a language.
Granted there are geniuses who can learn these things faster, but still, work ethic is important to improving.

"Don't spend all your time doing one thing." If you spend all your time playing video games, you'll never learn anything else. In life in general, if you don't try new things, you'll never know what you're missing.

"Know your limits, or don't try at all." I'm referring to addiction. I personally don't drink, because, 1. I can't. 2. I know that I wouldn't be able to stop drinking once I started. I know myself well because of how addicted I was to video games. Now, I pay attention to the time that I spend when I playing them.

Anyway, take it or leave it. You may think that this is nonsense, but these are some things that I've found true in my life. Anyway, I'm not saying that video games are a waste of time, but you need balance in your life. How many times have you heard that?

Studying for the Japanese language proficiency test

Studying is coming along alright. There's not too much time left and I'm finding that I'm more motivated to study for this test. How I was studying before was that I was reading newspaper articles and watching anime to understand how people actually use Japanese. Now I'm using a grammar book and studying the old tests. It's a pretty hard test.

Looking at the scores from this old test, there was one person who scored 400 points (perfect) and one person who scored 23 points. The average for the test is about 55%, which is not passing. Note that this is only for the level that I'm taking. 60% is passing for levels 2-4. 70% is passing for Level 1, the highest level.

One thing that I'm having trouble with is that the book that I bought to help me study does not have very good explanations of what a term means. I'm finding that they use synonyms, but really, it would have been nice if they did a little more in the explanations.

Most of my time today was spent studying for the test. I didn't get very far in the book, so I'm trying to pick it up some more. I find that writing sentences for the grammar points helps, but what I'm going to have to do more of is get back into the habit of reading newspapers.

Church

In regards to church, I've been finding that I've been coming late most of the time. I think the reason is that it's just not in my internal clock. If it started at 10, then maybe I would have a better chance of getting there on time. I guess maybe I need to find a job.

But Sunday school has been good so far. I've been learning about the epistles and main points that Paul, James, and mostly Paul again have written. Points about God the father, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, on life together with Jesus (community), and other things which I need to study more about. I won't go into too much detail right now, but I feel that this is a really good class and that I need to look at these notes more closely and apply them to my life.

Life in general

Yesterday, my dad found some free guitar lessons online. Isn't the internet great? Unfortunately the guy who wrote them died from cancer. The guy kind of had a blog going on with how his battle with cancer was going. He wrote that he "hated putting his family through all of this." He ended up dying this past year.

What my dad told me was, "You've got to enjoy life. You could be here today, and gone tomorrow." When I think about life, what matters most should be God and people. If I were to look at what I spend my time and money in, I'd say that it would be things Japanese. Ie video games, anime, studying the language and trying to see what's going on in Japan. As of right now, that's important to my career, but I wonder if I'm missing more important things.

Anyway, life has been good in general, and I'm not complaining at what could be. I've been pondering at some things that have passed by. I realize that I'm taking a lot of things for granted and some things I'm looking too much into, but for some reason, I don't feel like changing. Maybe it's the studying. Even though I'm not busy with work, I'm really busy studying and trying to do well for this test. Maybe I should just pray about it and see where God leads me.

Moving Scams

If you're about to move or need to move, then watch out for the moving companies. Lots of them scam people, because the government agency that's supposed to help the consumer consists now of two people. Congress agreed to let that agency go in 1995. More details can be found on the listed link below.

Check out www.movingscam.com for more information about being alert and aware.

Also, check out the MSN article here

Front mission 3

In an attempt to study Japanese, I found myself very unmotivated. I just couldn't open a book or read an article today. I'm getting really tired of studying kanji and not applying what I know. There's a point where you just want to do something different than the usual.

I've gotten my hands on a copy of Front mission 3, the Japanese version. If you're into strategy and into robots then I'd reccommend this game. Granted it probably doesn't compare to Mechwarrior for the X-Box, but if you like Final Fntasy, then you'll probably like this game.

Overall it's a pretty interesting game. Squaresoft, now Square-Enix, made some games with lots of depth and storyline. But reading the Japanese has gotten frustrating from time to time, because the kanji characters don't look as good as they do on paper. I've had to bust out my huge kanji dictionary and guess at how many strokes the kanji is from the blurry and sometimes omitted strokes on the tv. But it's all good. I just hit the button and read what I can.

The battles are pretty fun. They take about 10 minutes each and have a variety of weapons from missiles, shotguns, rifles, knuckles, grenades, etc. You equip each of them inbetween battles and can buy them off the internet in the game or shops that you come across. The game would be impossible or very hard to beat if the game acted as a real life situation. Let me explain.

1. Enemies further away start attacking after a certain amount of turns has passed
2. The missiles replenish after each battle
3. You can repair damaged parts or restore destroyed parts with certain items
4. Infinite ammo for guns

etc. etc.

Despite the unreal parts of the game, it still is a fun game. The bonuses in the game, such as pilot skills that your characters learn come in handy and make the game much more interesting. Skills such as "pilot damage", "1.5 times the damage added on", "tackle (for fists or knuckles)", etc.

Yeah, that's what I did all yesterday. Play that game. Too addicting, I must say. Anyway, I'd enjoy it a lot more if I understood more of the Japanese and didn't have to keep on looking up kanji in my dictionary. But, I'd rather play the Japanese version just in case they might have omitted something from the US version.

Anyway, I doubt anybody cares about this section. But yeah, if you're a FF gamer, then try Front mission 3. I hear Front mission 4 for the PS2 is not as good. Anyway, that's all from me. I have a long way to go.

Sometimes you've got to say no

I have no idea why I was called to help someone move out three hours before they start to move tonight, but I was. Maybe it was because I'm a fairly big guy and can lift a good amount.

I sort of wanted to help out, yet didn't want to help out. I felt like my parents would go balistic if I just went out without telling them. So, I ask them and my mom is reluctant and says to ask my dad.

My dad is worried about this and that. They're good reasons, but it's obvious he doesn't want me to go.

I guess I feel kind of bad for not helping out, but still, if they had asked me during the day, I would have said yes right away. I have no idea why we didn't do it yesterday (Sunday) or during the day today. Hmm...

But my thinking is going, they probably weren't asked to do this until today. People willingly volunteered to help out tonight on such short notice. I say, despite the lack of planning, my pastor and other people who are helping are getting beyond good intentions. That, I say, when I find my own place, and start living on my own, I will do also. Right now, I don't have control of my life.

Thinking about things, there's times when you have to say no out of respect for the people who are helping you right now. But then again, I wonder if it wouldn't have been too much trouble to help out for a couple of hours.

Anyway, without any explanation at all and no background as to why this operation is happening at night and in the rain helps me to say no. I don't know if they're getting evicted, or if they move in the middle of the month (which is unlikely).

Still, regardless of this, people help out someone else just because they need help. I guess that's a lesson to learn despite how inconvenient it is. Anyway, got to not worry about it. I think that they have enough people to help out.

Then, the drug dealers come around...

Drug dealers have apparently come close to home in our neighborhood. It's nothing new, but it's the first time that I've seen someone who actually deals drugs.

Drugs are nothing new in this neighborhood or in the schools that I went to. But I would like to keep drugs out of our neighborhood if possible.

At our high school, someone died from drugs and caused a ban of any type of drug at all. I thought that that was extreme, but the reality is, this stuff can really hurt you or other people. If it doesn't kill you, you'll end up damaged in some way from the junk put inside of that crap.

My old roommate could point out who he knew had tried marijuana or did drugs at the time in the year book of our senior year. I was pretty shocked that there were so many people who had done these things. He said about 70 percent of the senior class had tried drugs. People that I knew and some whom I respected had done stuff that was dangerous and stupid.

Drugs are nothing new, but man, these things ruin people's lives. What you put into your body can cause damage. Just look at Michael J. Fox! I heard a rumor that he got Parkinson's disease from doing drugs when he first started acting. I don't know if that's true, but the guy who told me is in medical school.

Anyway, if I see them again, then they'd better watch out, because I'm not afraid to call the police. hehe. But yeah, seriously, if you see anything out of the ordinary, don't be afraid to call the police. Better safe than sorry I always say.

What I will do is pray for them that they will change from this dispicable practice, or that they will come to see the error of their ways and change.

Jesus loves drug dealers too

Despite the evil in this world, God loves all people. Even drug dealers. I hope that God will be working in them to change them into people who will create something good instead of something harmful. Jesus ate with tax collectors, sinners, and prostitutes. He never did the same things they did, but He spent time with them, and they changed because of Him. That's real power, changing human hearts to be better people and live for God.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you should go out there and find people whom you can change for the better. That is noble, but it is dangerous. If you're not properly trained or with a missionary group of some kind, then you might get hurt. Bad things happen to good people too. Anyway, depending on your faith, you'll need to include God, and also be wise and safe. Jesus said when He sent out the 72, "Be shrewd as serpents, but as innnocent as doves". That's only part of what he said, but He's not calling you to be naive.

Anyway, be wise and not naive. I'll hold my tongue about these things. I really don't know who reads this, but, don't come to me looking for advice. You can't really find out how to live your life by reading someone else's blog. You've got to make your own life through what you have and where you need to go.

Studying for the Noryoku shiken

Okay, so I've put off studying for today. I will get to it after I finish writing this.

Anyway, I was taking the third part of the Japanese Proficiency test from one of the old tests and realized that this third part starts out with articles from a newspaper. They asked questions about what a certain phrase meant according to the context.

I found that interesting, because it reminded me of the tests that we were given in grade school. Questions that aren't really hard, but ask if you are paying attention to what you read. Some good books will not spell out everything for you but get you to find out what they're talking about.

It took me a long time to get some of the answers for the first 14 questions. Then I skipped to 41, the last section of the third part and tried to salvage what easy questions I could. So basically, I failed the practice test. heh. I guess it's harder than it looks.

But, I'm hopeful that I can get a good score if I study long enough and pay attention to what I'm studying. I've bought some books to help me prepare for the test, but the real test looks like it will come in the form of the newspaper articles.

Ugh...

I read an article in the Japanese newspaper about a girl who murdered her classmate because her classmate took her diary and gave it to everyone in the class. I first saw the article on GC's website. Reading the same exact article a couple months later in Japanese shocked me a second time as I was looking up the Chinese characters (kanji) for the words in the article. The girls were 12 (murdered), and 11 (person who did the deed). It's sad. What is this world turning into?

I think that they were saying that the center still can't fathom this act, in the article. I can't either. However, the things that kids are seeing on the media could be a factor in why they do things like this at an early age.

Kids are very impressionable, and they do take in things that they see and hear. I guess the media can't be all to blame. There are probably other factors not seen in the article. Anyway, I'm going to get studying again.

Nihon...ka? (Japan...)

Okay, so I just signed up for the Japanese proficiency test level 2, level 1 being the toughest. They ask you how many class hours have you put in? Man, it's crazy how many I've put it. I should be fluent by those number of hours, but, I'm not.

I used to love Japan so much as a kid. Going to college and experiencing how good things can be in the US has changed that love in my heart from "a love of Japan only", to "a love for the US and Japan". I've been exposed to the bad history of the US and Japan from classes that I've taken. Seeing Japan and America at their worst has given me ideas that things could be worse in my life. Definitely things could be worse than they are now.

Back to why I'm writing about these things...

For some reason, I've always saw my identity in Japan. After college, my identity changed. It's no longer in Japan anymore. But part of me still feels a connection with that old identity. And part of me has no idea where I'm headed now that my identity has changed. I've changed for now...but, it might change back to what it previously was, only different than before.

Reality shakes people up. It causes doubt, uncertainty, and redirection (if you weren't on the right direction before). It's different for everyone though. But ultimately, I believe that if you know what is right, it will cause a next step. I've seen that Japan, like any place it has its share of difficulties. I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay there long term, but I think that even though I don't want to go, I should. I've gotten too comfortable here.

The proficiency test will be a way of testing how I'd be able to hold up in Japan. As of right now, I can barely make myself understood to my conversation partner, because I just do not have a way of hearing and learning how people speak Japanese. I have anime, which I watched for about 6 hours with and w/o subtitles today. Also TV and cassette tapes which I can listen to, but other than that, I think that if I am to use Japanese, I'll need to go to Japan.

We'll see if it's possible. Maybe this is just talk right now. But as of now, I'm going to put a lot of effort into learning Japanese. And of course, I'll need to find a job as well.

I don't plan on staying in Japan forever though. I don't think that I could stand it being that things are so different over there. It's a nice place to visit, but a hard place to live, in my opinion. But we'll see. Maybe a year or two would be good for me.