Made it to Church, but challenged

I made it to church today. My mom woke me up a quarter to 9. I got up around 8:55 heh. Anyway, my friends are really great. They encouraged me to come to church this past Friday after fellowship. It's tough to get up, but going to church is really important. Along with praying, reading the Bible, understanding and applying.

Today was a guest speaker. She had some good words, which I agree with, but it does make me nervous to go out and do what she was talking about. I guess if it were easy, then more of us would be doing this, (including me), and we wouldn't need to hear a word about this.

I really don't want to be someone who just goes to church and has no relationship or nothing to show for my faith. But after one event in my life, things seemed to change, and I became an underachiever. That event was very tough and troubling for me. The event troubled me because I lost my support from one fellowship and I was basically trying to help someone who was potentially dangerous by myself. When I told someone about this event today he told me that it is always better to have someone else there to help you. When trying to help someone else, it always helps to have someone else who has the same concerns and can give you feedback. Two heads are always better than one.

I eventually gave up and cut contact with this person. He was also causing me to sin as well. But the things that happened still resonate with me. I guess I can't keep living in the past, but I can't but help be afraid of what might come in the future.

I saw myself in this person that I was trying to help and I saw myself in him, but me several years back. When I denied him help, I felt like I was denying myself. (Not in the Christian sense, but in a psychological sense.) Well, I guess that's what I get for asking God to test me...you get tests that are really tough. Very dangerous prayer indeed.

Anyway, the event that I was talking about happened several years ago. Someone mentioned for me to see a Christian counselor. I never did. I "think" I'm okay with what happened. I think that I'm okay with trying to do things alone. But the truth is, I'm still not and I still haven't let this go. Anyway, I am doing alright.

Well, I guess this event will always stick with me. Memories this traumatic will stay with a person. It affects me today, but I'm managing to get by.

I guess I could talk about this all I want to, but the fact that comes down to it is how am I going to respond? It depends on me and if I can trust God with my life once again, or will I try to hold onto leading a "safe" life?

Things which nobody can answer for me, but things that I have to really make decisions in. I am amazed at the people of faith in some parts. They really do great things and change lives with their faithfulness to God. Getting back to the speaker, I can see her church doing really great things for the people around them. I'm sure they do great things in Jesus' name.

That was a really challenging message for me to hear. Mainly because I have reservations about doing what I once did. But I can remember being the happiest I was in my whole life when I did those things. I can honestly say, however, that I did not have the correct views and I didn't develop relationships with the people that well. But, when I did take chances for Jesus, I experienced a great blessing. People really are great, even though people have flaws.

Anyway, I'm not saying go out there and do something crazy for Jesus. What I'm saying is, is that I'm having trouble actually loving the people around me. Those that I walk by, those who are homeless, those who I know. She challenged us to do more than just give a word of encouragement, but to do things for the long term with people that we come into contact with. I'm wondering how I can apply these things...

Man, she was a really great speaker, and she has a great love for God and the people. I think that her church that she pastors is in the city. Maybe inner city, because she described people like "crackheads" in whom she encouraged us to reach out to. Very challenging...but she said that there were people like that close to where they are. (Crackheads was just an example that she gave.)

I guess if you are to follow God, you should try to have the same heart that God has for those around you. Jesus ministered to Tax collectors and Prostitutes. As the speaker said, "We've got to show love to those whom society shuns." If you think about it, the church shuns homosexuals. I'm not condoning actions that a homosexual does, but still, they are loved by God too and we too should love them as God would.

It's tough, yeah, but following God is never easy. Anyway, I don't have all the answers, which is obvious. But yeah, I thought that the speaker had a word and I will try to follow it and apply it to my life. I'm going to have lots of trouble in this...I'm thinking...

One of the encouraging things that she said was, "You don't have to preach to them." But she encouraged us to do more than just give a word of blessing, but to apply the blessing and help the person in some way.

Anyway, I've got to think more about this.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm here. What purpose do I have on this earth? The only one that I can think of is, "Glorify God and love God and your neighbor."

I'm finding that I need to stop, look, and listen. You may not know what I'm talking about. But some things can be put into perspective when you slow down.

Song I'm currently listening to is "Sinking"
By Jars of Clay (Their 1st CD)

As much as I want to say that I don't need God, I need Him. I want to do things by myself, but as it seems, I haven't been able to. I want to stand tall and be someone. But without Him, I'm nothing.

There are some great lines in this song.

Bridge:
You see that I can play a pretty convincing role,
so I don't need you, I don't think
I need you

Chorus:
But you see through my forever lies
And you are not believing
And I see in your forever eyes
And you are forever healing


I need God more than anything or anybody else in the world. What He did for me and what He does for me are just a character of who He is. But sometimes I just don't want to have to rely on others. I sometimes want to do things alone. Sometimes I feel like I'm just want to be free of everything.

But what I have learned is, you're either a slave to sin, or a slave to God. Being a servant to God is not a bad thing, because He is really a great God! (The only God.) But, as shown in the scripture of the previous post, I'm finding that it's not easy. It's easier to be a slave to sin.

Well...I think that I'd rather be a slave to God. I'll have to talk to some others about some things about this mission. I'm still not sure what God wants me to do, but I'm thinking that He wants me to go on this mission. But we'll see. I'm not sure which path I will take. And yes, I am praying about this.

After Two to Three Weeks

I wasn't expecting a call from this one agency that I applied to. So much so that last week I stopped studying Japanese for a bit. I thought, "they're never going to call me." But, sure enough, they did and I have an interview on Monday.

Anyway, the game testing job interview is postponed, so I don't know when they're going to call me about that. I still have doubts as to whether or not I'm going to get a job. But hey, there's nothing to lose by preparing. The only thing that you lose is time, while you gain skills that could be used for "various purposes."

I'm not sure how the Japanese interview is going to go, being that I don't have that much confidence in my Japanese and I don't have that much recent contact with another Japanese speaking person. But I figure I have nothing to lose. If I don't get the job, then I'm not any worse off than when I started. But that's no excuse to not give it 100%.

The only thing that I'm concerned about is, if I do get this job, then I probably won't consider going to Brazil for missions. But, it seems like an one and only opportunity to do something like this. I guess if I really wanted to do it, then I should have done it maybe two years ago. I felt however, that I was not ready to go during those times.

It's funny how things turn out. When I do get some job offers, a mission comes up. I'm still not sure what God wants me to do. I'm thinking that I should go on the mission. But more of what I'm thinking is, "what am I going to do after the mission?" And if I didn't feel like going on the mission last year, then why would it be any different? I guess the answer to the last question is that I've changed...or at least I think I have.

The verse in Luke, "Anyone who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple." I'm thinking, if I seek to make my life the way I want it to be, then I won't be following Jesus.

The image of Jesus driving a car and me following him in another car comes to mind. Recently, I've felt like I'm not in the passenger's seat, but trying to follow Him as best I can from a different car. From the image of sitting in the passenger's seat, it sounds to me like you're doing nothing at all while Jesus is driving. However, in my life, I've made some decisions that just shows what a bad steward I was. The image of me doing nothing, and Jesus doing everything gave me that picture. That's why I think that the original analogy or sitting in the passenger's seat is flawed and I have to do my best to "follow Him"by making the right decisions. Granted it's hard to make a perfect analogy, but man, I really did not use what He gave me to the best.

I can't say that I'm doing a very good job at following Jesus. But I just hope that there will be some directions. Hmm...I think the Bible is a good place to look. Plus prayer.

The verse that I was referring to is Luke 14:33. The whole chapter in context is found here. So with that said, I'm wondering, "Does God really want me to go on this mission? Or does He want me to get a job instead?" Direction...I'm leaning towards mission...but still, I'm not sure.

I'll ask my friends at fellowship tonight what they think and get their feedback. Hopefully G-Sak is going to be there. I'm not sure if he's back from Japan yet, but I'm thinking so.

New or Used

I found this page funny. It might change over time, but for right now if you look at it the game sells new for $39.99. It sells used for $44.99. It seems to be a popular game as both are out of stock. Anyway, here's the link.

And no, I'm not thinking of buying it. But what I did find interesting is that they're making these types of games nowadays. All the kids who played Nintendo RPGs like Final Fantasy are grown up and want more adult like games. Anyway, it's rated Teen, not mature, so I'm guessing that they're nothing really that bad in there.

No More Free "Betrayal at Krondor"

Sierra isn't giving Betrayal at Krondor for free on its website anymore. I never could get it to work on my Windows 98 platform, but man, it was a good game. I still play Return to Krondor. The storyline for Betrayal at Krondor was a lot better and it had some things which I really liked.

1. You could gain skills by doing things repeatedly
2. You could pick up a guitar, practice, and if you got good enough, you could earn money in every bar that you went into and have no worries about money.
3. The storyline in Betrayal at Krondor is so much better Return to Krondor. It was a book before a game however so I guess it makes more sense.

Sierra, in my opinion, went downhill after they switched from typing the commands in and letting you use the information from "look" to changing to a method of moving your mouse on what you find interesting and clicking on it. Clicking just doesn't seem to be as much fun and it doesn't help the brain think.

Anyway, as I mentioned before, it really doesn't work on the computers today. This game was created when DOS was dominant and before Windows became the only microsoft OS. I still have trouble understanding memory and how to minimize everything so that I can play this game.

Anyway, I have it on an old computer somewhere...I just need to transfer it.

Decisions to make

I posted earlier that I was asked to go on a mission. I'm not sure if God wants me to go on the mission, but I think that He might. I kind of wonder, because I haven't been going to church for the past 7 weeks. I want to go to church, but something inside of me dreads going to church. Maybe that's why I'm always finding that I'm going back to sleep.

Anyway, I have an interview on Friday for a game testing job. If I am accepted, then I'll be game testing for 9 months. The pay is not great, because the level of education that they expect is only high school graduate. Hey, what can you expect from a game testing job? Anyway, I'm not sure what I should do. I guess I'll see what happens after the interview.

I've been praying about this, and for some reason, I thought that God wanted me to go to the interview. I'm getting mixed messages here. I need to earn some income, but I'm wondering if the mission would be much better, even though it would cause some complications with money. I'd have to wait until after summer ends to find a job. And by then, I'll be in some real trouble with finances.

I talked this over with my dad (the mission) and he thinks that I should earn some income and go on the mission later. My dad doesn't believe in Jesus so I can understand his viewpoint. But moreso, it would be much harder to not find a job for so long and go on a mission and come back with no income. I guess I could always work at Costco and push carts until then. hmm....

Anyway, I'm really not sure what I should do. Should I go on a mission? Or should I try to get a job?

Part of me wants to go on the mission, but part of me doesn't. I guess it depends on me. Do I want to do this? That's the question that I need to answer. Well...I'm sure the mission would be so much more fun than testing a video game for 9 months. But we'll see.

Today, I feel a little better about something. I'm glad that the body of Christ is there.

Another Sunday

I woke up feeling good today. But then I went back to sleep. I need to make a habit of getting up at a certain time...maybe 8am everyday. I have been getting up at 9am everyday, and haven't been able to break out of that habit yet. I guess staying up to 12 is not necessarily the best thing to do huh. Anyway, this Sunday was a little different from the others in that I had to walk the dog and this cannot wait until after church.

As my parents were out of town for a little bit, I was all alone with the dog. I could not help but feel really lonely and looked forward to their phone call each night. I can sort of understand how people feel when they're left in solitary confinement. It's like you're slowly dying. It's not deadly, but it's really feels like the life is being drained out of you. If left too long, it could become deadly.

Anyway, I tried spending time with God and found that I was reading the Bible a little bit more. I noticed how in the book of Corinthians that Paul's talking a lot about being in the body and getting along with the others. I'm thinking that being in solitary confinement away from the body is kind of like being severed from the body. A little Christian talk is, "if you're a foot, then you can't really do anything without the leg. If you're a leg, you can't really do anything without the torso." etc. etc. Anyway, it seems like Paul is stressing unity in the body and for people to care for one another. You can find it here.

The parts that we deem weaker are necessary. If one part of the body suffers, then we all suffer. If one part is honored, then we all are honored. It looks like we're supposed to show care toward all the parts of the body, because we're all one body in Christ. But, if we are not joined to the rest of the body, then what can we do? We need other members of the church. I guess even though I've been feeling weird at church, I should go.

Even though I'm haven't gone to church in a long time, I'm trying to go. Okay, this week I'm going to try to make a sleep schedule. Maybe that will work.

Oscars

I didn't catch much of the Oscars. But I heard that "Million Dollar Baby" won best picture. Hillary Swank won best Actress. Wow...I've got to see that movie.

Currently listening to

"John Coltrane and Johnny Hartman"

You can find it here. It's a great CD. My brother bought it for my mom's birthday, but since she doesn't listen to Jazz that often, she let me keep it for her.

I like Jazz. Many people don't like it, because they don't understand what the musicians are doing. I don't pretend to understand everything that they're doing, but Jazz is much more interesting to me than most music.

Anyway, this CD is more like love songs that two people would slow dance to. However, it's kind of like you're depressed about how tough relationships are and how you're not finding the right person to be with or that you are struggling with a current relationship. The music hints (to me) that love is said to be grand, but there is the reality that it also contains elements of sadness weaved into it also.

I can relate to this music a lot, because I have been in the dumps and have experienced parts of the harshness of life. This music also reminds me a lot of the reality of being a musician. It's great to create music, but sometimes even if it's good, it isn't always appreciated. That can be very depressing, but that's life.

Anyway, I've love how John Coltrane and Johnny Hartman can take you through the different modes. The bittersweet times, dedication, times when you're lonely and can't find anyone. Yeah, I guess I can relate more to this than other people. I'm not saying that I'm seeking anyone, but just that I've been through these modes before.

The music has a mellow tone to it. It's nothing too exciting, but it in its own soft sort of way, it is a little lively. The musicians do their jobs well to make it interesting and even someone who doesn't like jazz all that much could relate to these songs.

Anyway, check out the link if you're interested. Or if you want, I could send you the MP3 if you want. But that's only if I know you. hehe.

For me, I like "They Say It's Wonderful" and "You are Too Beautiful". However all of them are good. I'd give this CD 4 stars out of 5.

Goodbyes, they're important

Said goodbye to one of my friends leaving for a ministry type job today. All I can say is that I've come to respect this guy for all his hard work and how he cares for the people that he serves. I can't say that much about our conversation, because it seems like he was asking me questions about how things were going on in my life, and there isn't much going on besides finding a job and studying Japanese.

Anyway, he's going to be going for an indefinite amount of time and I probably won't see him again for awhile. It's sad, but I'm glad that he's going to a place where people don't have many chances to hear the gospel.

Tooth pain...

Man, I think that I have some sort of cavity or something rotten inbetween my teeth. I hope that it's just the gums swelling, but every time I push my tongue near the spot between my last and 2nd to last molar on the bottom of my mouth, it hints cavity. Man, I just hope that it's nothing more serious than that.

I should have given up soda for Lent...

Japan memories

Right now, I'm listening to my old J-Pop songs from JPN 460, "Topics and culture in modern Japan." It was the most fun class that I have ever taken at my old school. How many other classes can you say that you got to read comics, listen to music, and watch Japanese dramas. The hard part was doing the reports and tests about them, but I found that this was a very useful class in understanding Japanese culture and the language.

It was a very hard class, because we went at such a fast pace and I can remember when I turned in my paper. I really don't want to talk about that. But it wasn't good. I can remember hearing a cry of "AAAAHHHHH!" when I was leaving. Well, I guess that's what I get for making life tough on myself and never taking the easy way out. I didn't get that bad of a grade, but I bet that I could have an A- in the class if I did better on my paper. Oh well...

I thought that it would help my listening if I listened to all the Japanese music that I have. Indeed it is helping. But what is also doing is bringing back all the memories that I ever had about Japan. Going there for an exchange and the classes that I've taken, these were the best memories. Probably worst of all, the foul ups on my part in relating to people. The foul ups were not that bad, but I just could have done better in how I kept in touch or tried to get to know them. I guess I still hold onto the bad parts as well as the good.

I guess that's why I've picked up the relationships book again. And no, this is not bf/gf relationships, but mainly just classmate/friendships that I have made mistakes in. I guess that's what being human is all about. Making mistakes and learning from them. However, I'm not sure if I really learned anything at all about how to change from those mistakes. I guess that's why I still dwell on them.

I wonder exactly what lies on the path ahead. Where am I going? I have the feeling that it depends on what I make happen rather than what I let happen. That's why I'm listening to JPop and reading Japanese newspapers. I have no idea what I'm going to do, but I figure that this is better than nothing. It's something that I have to hold onto, and I want to make something out of it rather than letting another dream turn to dust.

I'm finding it nice to have so much time to think about things. This Lent season has been really good for me. I've gotten out of my old routine and have done things like pray and read the Bible. heh. Things I should have done everyday, but since I got so busy in college, I put it off. I guess that's why I didn't do so well in my friendships...I didn't make enough time and a lot of them died. Well...at least God will never leave me nor forsake me. I on the other hand have to make effort to not leave Him or forsake Him.

Hmm...about the last post, I'm not sure if you guys got the joke about the title. hehe

Okay, so I was wrong about my assumptions. Anyway, I think that I tend to write more about my own experiences than I do about what is relevant. hehe. But hey, what can I say? I go off on tangents a lot.

Sometimes I focus on many things at once

I practiced piano today. I'm finding that it helps me to focus a little better, so I'm going to start doing that again. I was a lot more focused when I practiced piano and I can understand why.

1. I could not move from the spot where I was practicing or else look like I'm going to step away for awhile.

2. You know how hard it is to stay in one place working on something that you keep going over and over until you get it just right? I used to have this determination, but since I went to school and had to share a piano with so many people, or else use the one in the middle of the social hall, I could not find a place to hone my ability. Playing in front of people is hard enough when you have a piece practiced well. But practicing a line over and over when people are listening can get to their nerves.

3. As mentioned before, practicing one thing over and over, even if it's a line, is not only tough for other people to listen to, it's boring to me. But that's how you learn how to do things well. You practice it over and over until you get it right. Things called "engrams" (in your brain) let you learn how to do things without having to think about them. They develop when you do something over and over again, like tie your shoes.

4. I'd rather be playing video games and experiencing a lot of stimulation from the light coming from a TV or monitor.

Anyway, I think that this will be a good change for me.

Trivial, maybe, but at least it's a Minor!

I'm so pumped! I got word that my minor was accepted! This is awesome! I thought that I would not be allowed to get it after graduating, but I got it! Wow, thank you my old school! You guys are first class!

I thought that I would not be able to get this minor, because my grades didn't look so good for a couple of my classes. But I found after looking up my course requirements online that I had received the "ok", so I emailed around, and it was ACCEPTED! Yeah Baby! That just brightened my whole day.

Show that you love the person

I read some other blogs, and I know for a fact that it is not me that my friend was talking about. Well...I guess the only thing that I can do is actually pray.

Everyone has struggles. They may be on a different level than other people's, but everyone struggles with something. And most of all, being human, we need help.

I guess the one thing that I could always count on was God being there. I could always count on Him to help me through whatever I was going through. He stopped me from killing myself long ago and since that time, I've come to know Him by people that took an interest in me and brought me to church. But it was all in His timing that I was interested in church.

Well...one thing I must say is, "don't give up hope." And I must say also to the people that care for the person, "don't stop showing that you care for the person. Jesus does love the person, but He most of all uses people like us who care. Call the person up and ask how they're doing and make efforts to pray for the person continually. God does love the person that you care about and if you care enough, then you can make an impact."

Anyway, what I know from this process that I described above is that it was a long process for me. My brother prayed for me during the hard times of my life. He prayed for about 5 years or 6. During the middle of that time, I was about to kill myself as I stated earlier. But God stopped me through one person that told me, "God loves you Jon."

I did believe it at first, but then just a couple of minutes later, I thought, "If God is real, then why would all this crap happen to me!?" So I became angry at God.

Anyway, the thought, "God loves you Jon," came up when I was going to kill myself. I screamed in my thoughts saying, "If you're real, then how could you let me go through all this!? How could you let me suffer so much!?" I felt a peace that I had never felt before and I fell asleep rather than kill myself.

My brother wasn't inactive either. He made efforts to visit me on the weekends to see how I was doing. He didn't visit only me, he visited my other family members too. But I felt that it was nice of him to talk to me and spend time with me. Anyway, communication continued from high school to college and still to this day.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is, to my friend, God is really powerful. He can do anything and help anybody. But he uses people who care to make a difference in the people's lives. Don't give up praying for the person, but also make some time for the person and do that often. Know when you need to give them room though. Also, get others to back you up in prayer too.

I guess sometimes that's all people can do when they don't know the person or don't have any contact with them. But it can be a slow process, and it takes a lot of praying, and it takes a lot of faith.

I woke up in the middle of the night last night. Apparently, I thought someone was knocking on the front door or attempting to unlock it. I go and check and nobody's there. Apparently it was my dog chopping his teeth.

Mission?

Okay, so I was asked if I would go on a mission about a week ago. I still haven't responded, but the person said that the deadline was in February. Great, I thought, why does everything happen last minute?

One reason why I'm reluctant to go, is that I'm thinking, "I have enough trouble even loving my neighbors that live close to me. How can I love people from another country and culture?" I don't know...it just seems like my relationship with God is not the best right now. It's okay, but I'm thinking that I need to go to church and experience life in the body.

I wonder exactly what God wants me to do. I tried to go on a mission last year, but I got stressed out trying to fill in all the information that a certain organization wanted. I couldn't answer some of the things. It seemed like a job application, but worse.

Anyway, I don't know...I emailed my brother asking if I could talk to him about this. I'm finding that I really don't feel like I want to go. Even though it would be really cool to go and experience another culture and maybe help people to come to know God. But then I think, how can I help people to know God? I haven't been able to do that for about 3 years.

Just looking at things, I really don't know exactly what God wants me to do anymore. I try to pray, and find that I'm getting distracted. I try to read the Bible, and I'm forgetting the stuff that I'm reading. But the main points, I already have some idea of what they are.

Anyway, it's stuff like neither Paul or Apollos is anything, but servants in Christ. More general is, we who are in Christ are servants of Christ and that it really isn't about us and our work, but the work that Christ does through us. I guess that's where the point comes from that I'm thinking about. "It's not your ability, but your availability."

But, points come up where I've felt like I've actually turned people away from God. Maybe I'm just really sensitive and I take things in to account that aren't really a big deal. But I still wonder, what role do I have here? I look at some people that I've known in the past and see sometimes where they've come short. I guess I really don't take it too much into account, but the things that I did, I wonder if I planted something good or something bad. I don't know and I won't know until much much later when the seeds grow.

Anyway, I was going to write a comment on one of my friend's blogs encouraging him to know that following Christ is not about getting things that you want. Sometimes following Christ will have a lot of price to pay...it could cost you a lot. But, what I wanted to encourage him was that it is the best thing that has ever happened to me and it is much better than having a job or even "making it." I wanted to encourage him to follow Christ and know that following Christ will not make your life easy, but make it HARDER. Meaning that following Christ will mean stepping up for what's right, loving the unlovable, and giving of yourself and finances to the utmost.

Then I find out that he's not talking about himself, but trying to encourage someone else. I found that encouraging. From all the struggles that he's gone through, to see him grow in faith is much more encouraging that maybe others can imagine.

Anyway, if he was talking about me, then I'd like to tell him, "not to worry. I'm not falling, I'm sinking, but I haven't given up." And, "I do have some dreams. They don't include the corporate world or even Japanese. But to help others and help change their lives for the better." Anyway, I have no idea if it was about me or not. But I know that he reads my blog as I read his, and I wonder...if I caused him to worry. But I'm thinking that it's about someone else.

Anyway, note about my blog...I write what's off the top of my head sometimes. I don't always write how I've changed since then.

About Giving to Organizations

I've started to give back to the organization that I was giving to. They sent out something that said what they use their resources for. I was encouraged that they used most of it for what they said they would use it for and a little of it for personell. The personell, I'm hoping, get enough to live, but I know that they're not there for that.

Anyway, at the time I was kind of irked about something and was wondering why they didn't tell me sooner. But yeah, I do think that it is good to support organizations that are going to help people.

What I meant by people being the "real capital" is what I've been trying to write in some of my posts. That the only two things that matter are 1. God 2. People. God came down for the people through Jesus and gave us the opportunity to come to know Him personally. No matter what anybody thinks of people, people are all loved by God and are all special. No matter what they are, who they are, or what others think of them, God came for everybody.

Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do right now. If I'm supposed to postpone my job search and go on a mission and try to find a job after summer ends, or if I should find a job now and not go on the mission. I guess I could try both, depending on what the responses are from the job hunt. I don't know. But the time for the application is ticking down. Missions that is.

Anyway, I'd say that I'm doing alright. I'm trying to spend time with God and trying to read the Bible. I have more time because of what I gave up for lent. So it's helping. I just wonder what God wants me to do. Anyway, if you guys are concerned, email me.

Note

About the treasure hunt in ebay. It is hidden as an actual item that you buy, but if you do find the listing that they've posted, then it should have something below it which will tell you how to claim your prize. You do not have to buy the item, so don't think that you buy something and they tell you that you win the prize. Anyway, it actually goes through tomorrow if you're interested. But don't waste too much time.

Ebay Craziness

I spent some time on Saturday after I saw the contest that Ebay was sending out. It is a treasure hunt and if you click on the correct listing in the millions of possible listings, then you will win $1000.

Ebay gives you one clue, and from that clue, you have to use abstract thinking, or linear thinking to find the listing that they've posted. I have no clue how some of these things were found, but evidently, a couple of minutes after they were posted someone found them. They're posted every so often throughout the day. I think that today is the last day.

Anyway, it should be an actual item on Ebay posted, but below it will be a way to claim the prize that you've won.

Here's a clue (that's already solved): "Sealed the deal with France"
Answer...are you ready for this...

Bayou Billy Nintendo game. I was laughing at that one. But here's one that's really abstract.

Clue: Space Needle and expo

Answer: Pour your heart into it

I have no idea how they got that one, except through the keyword "heart" and looked through the hundreds if not thousands of listings that come up. I guess it's correctly named "Treasure hunt", because these things are so darn hard to find. And if it's easy enough, then someone will find it within 3 minutes.

Here's one more

Clue: Big hat, related to Roseanne

Answer:

firewire 8 MB cache (cash)

I was amazed that someone got that. But I guess I never did watch Roseanne.

If you're interested in finding some money buried deep within Ebay, the link is found here.

I've given up just seeing how abstract some clues can be. But one of the latest one wasn't that abstract, but I'd rather not waste anymore of my time trying to find something and clicking on the numerous amounts of listings.

I guess if you just want to look on Ebay, then it couldn't hurt, but just a caution, read the person's feedback of who is selling the item. That tells you something about how they do business; what they leave for others and what their responses are.

I like warm temperatures

Okay, I'm finding that I need to go to church. I'm going to start going to sleep earlier. I'm actually waking up for the first time at around 9am. But since it's so cold, I usually go back to sleep in the comfort of my bed and wake up later. So, if you can guess, I'm just doing the same thing everyday, and on Sundays.

I used to like the cold. When I was in high school I lived in the basement (as I still do now) and would refuse to turn on the heat in the winter. It would go down to about 40 degrees now and then and I would study in that, cold, but do able. I think ever since I went to college, and faced the horrible hot rooms caused by the sun and the heat always running that I've stopped liking the cold. I guess my body temperature is somewhat normal now and likes room temperature. However, I still can't get over how the people from the east part of our state think 40 or even freezing temperatures are not cold. They go out with only jeans and a t shirt. Well, I can understand how 0 degrees farenheit would seem cold and 32 degree not.

It's all relative huh.

I'm finding that I really dislike waking up in the morning.

Connected in some way...but how?

(Truman is telling his wife about the weird things he's seeing. His wife responds)

Why don't I make you a cup of hot cocoa!
The beans are picked straight from the Andes Mountains

(Truman responds as he gets up and slowly walks towards her)

What... does that, have to do with anything??


The Truman show is one of my most favorite movies. Jim Carrey made me laugh during the darkest times of my life. It kind of helped me to realize that things weren't as bad as it could be. I could relate to Truman, but I found that I wasn't being toyed with.

Reading my "Relationships" book that my brother gave me a long time ago, and actually going through the 2nd section of the work book is helping me to see why I have some hurts and how they're affecting me. I've noticed a pattern in how I think and what my childhood experiences were. Weird, but a light is shining where darkness and confusion laid.

Anyway, just for your information, my childhood wasn't that bad. Nothing bad happened to me. (Just thought that I'd spit that out. heh)

Like the Harry Potter books, (I'm currently on Book 5 Order of the Phoenix), I'm finding details that may seem small, but actually turn out to be a key part of the story that I hadn't made the connection to.

Anyway, it's funny how things can come together when put in the right context. Sometimes you have all the information, yet piecing it together may be a different story. One where you may need help to see it clearly. Feedback can be really helpful. But sometimes, even your friends may not be able to piece it together. But you'll never know. If they are mature enough, they might be able to. It's always good to get a different perspective and listen to someone else who has a good perspective.

Anyway, lets just say that how this all fits together...Harry Potter, the Truman Show, and the Relationships book have just reminded me that life has a lot of facts and thoughts or impressions. Facts are facts; they are things that have happened. However, our thoughts and impressions of the facts may differ from each person. Our thoughts and impressions may not be true to the actual fact of ie "why a person acted a certain way," or why this or why that. But our thoughts and impressions give facts about ourself. Let me explain.

You'll never know what another person thinks. Unless you can read their mind, which is not common. But what you think or the impression you got will tell you more about yourself and how you see things rather than the fact of why a person did something. Unless you actually find out from the person, you'll never know. But sometimes you can make a calculated guess.

Truman didn't know why the creator of the show did this to him. He had to ask.

To this day, I'm still not sure about some things that have happened. But I'm not sure if they'll remember or if I really want to know. I sometimes think that they were having a bad day, just some pent up frustration that got taken out on me, or worse...I did something to provoke them. But I sleep easy at night knowing that I've put that behind me.


I'm finding that I don't know myself that well. My mom knows me better than I know myself. And I'm being reminded of who I am.

With that said, I don't plan to keep telling myself all the lies that I've listened to about myself. I'm going to grow and become who I know I am. The person that I once was and still am. The person whom I have forgotten until now. And a much better version of myself if I'd might add. hahahaa.

Oh, and if you're wondering who those lies were coming from...they were from me and my pursuit of perfection by beating myself down with words. What can I say, sometimes you tell yourself things that aren't true to make yourself work harder to prove that it's not true. Only I found that by doing that, I made the words become true.

Sometimes I wonder if I should do something. An opportunity has come up and I'm not sure if I should take it.

Knowing how hard it is the follow Christ, I'm wondering if I should take this path. Not because it is hard, but because I'd rather face up to my fears than run away from them.

But one thing keeps echoing in my head. "You need to have a relationship with Christ." That is, 1. praying 2. reading his word 3. following His word 4. Obeying.

I look at those verses in the bible about the prices of following and wonder if I am carrying my cross daily. Somehow, I don't think so. I look at my hypocrisy and so much hypocrisy going on around me. Just what we have learned as kids, what our society teaches us, how we treat those less fortunate, summed up in how we fail to love those in this world really bothers me. Why doesn't it bother everyone else? Are we in America focused on materialism? I think so.

I can't judge others and their faith, because I am not qualified to be their judge. Just as they are not qualified to be my judge. I feel like if I were to tell someone about their hypocrisy that they would just have hard feelings towards me. It has been done before. But what is right is not always nice. I guess it's better to say something to help people on the right path rather than stay on the easy path.

Anyway, I am a hypocrite. I see where I'm going wrong. I guess that's why I'm wondering if I should not take this opportunity, because it doesn't seem right. But I can't help but wonder, is this some sign that I need to get back right again with God?

Some things that I need to determine long and hard about. I guess the first step is prayer.

About the last post

Yes, I know that MMORPGs are not magazine subscriptions. What I was trying to say is, I like paying once and receiving the goods. I don't like having to keep buying and buying stuff that gets outdated when you have invested a lot of money into them.

I guess you could say the same things about video games, but unlike offline video games, online games that you pay subscriptions to could be deleted over time if you decide to end your subscription.

That's why I'm excited about FF XII. It's going to be like an online game, but without having to pay every month. Yeah, I just don't pick up games every day as I used to, so MMORPGs are not worth it in my case.

Simulation Sluggishness
I've seen previews for a Front Mission Online. I wonder if it's going to be like Mechwarrior. Who knows. I've always liked strategy. The original Front mission came out on the Famicom (family computer) in Japan which was renamed Super Nintendo here in the US. It is a turn based strategy with role playing factors...kind of like Xenogears, except you can move your characters' wanzers (vehicles) on the map. Only from FM3 and FM4 were there any released stateside.

I am big on Chess and Star Wars Epic Duels where you have some time to think your next move. I am not very good at games like Starcraft or Warcraft though, because I'm not good at moving the mouse fast and using hotkeys. However, I do like simulation games like Mechwarrior, the old school versions made by Activision hahaha. I haven't played the XBOX version yet. I wonder if I'm getting outdated in the new video game world.

FFXII

FFXII is coming out in Japan soon. From the preview, it looks like this one is going to be different from all the previous ones and upgrading the system to be more like a MMORPG (Massive Mulitplayer Online Role Playing Game). You can check out the link for more details.

I'm pretty excited about this. Apparently, the person who made "Vagrant Story" is heading FFXII up. Hmm...I don't think that I'll start playing MMORPGs, because you have to pay every month and I basically wasted a lot of money on subscriptions for a majority of my life. Video games magazines will keep you posted, but with so many coming out, in my opinion, it's better to check out www.gamespot.com for updates on games.

Night is my Favorite Time of Day

I always seem to come up with my best thinking at late hours of the night. Mornings have never been easy for me to wake up to. I would always get ideas about video games and thoughts about religion at times when I'm just laying in bed looking up at the ceiling.

I think that my days are filled with so much noise that I have hardly any time to just sit and think about life and things. I found that I kept watching TV or reading stuff online. Night is a time when it is quiet and I am not bothered by anything.

I even do my QTs at night. Mornings, I always find that I'm falling asleep while I'm praying. I guess I'm going to have to change once I get a job. I have to go to sleep early and make the most of my time after dinner, then repeat the process. It's not a bad thing I guess.

As of recent, I've been trying to go to sleep and wake up earlier. It really does give more meaning to experiencing the day when you don't sleep in till 12.

Downtown

As I was driving through downtown today, I caught a glimpse of the jazz club where we ate dessert and none of us ordered alcohol. They checked our IDs because of that. It was someone's birthday and I remember having a good time there. I danced with someone. I'm a horrible dancer, but I knew how to swing dance...sort of. I had done it before, but I just was really rusty as I have never developed what I learned and forgot most of what my cousin taught me.

It was with some of the older people that I saw serving on leadership. I was the youngest one there...or at least I thought I was. It was kind of akward, because I really didn't know what to talk to them about. They all seemed so mature. I guess I have a long way to go huh.

Anyway, it was fun and I'm glad that I went. It taught me some things about myself. Better to go and experience, than to stay at home and play video games. heh. There's so much out there in this world. Some of it I don't want to see, but there are some good things out there.

The only person I have to talk to is God

Sometimes there's no one to talk to. The only person that I have is God. I know that He delights in meeting with me. But as of lately, I haven't been spending that much time with Him; I've been watching TV instead. Thank goodness for Lent that reminds me that there is someone out there more important than all the things in my life combined. The person is God. And don't get me wrong. He is not physically here on this earth.

I really didn't go to church for the past 4-5 weeks. This past Sunday, my mom told me to go to church. I was kind of surprised, but she told me that I got out of bed anyway to go to church, so I might as well go. I was debating on whether to stay at home, and was leaning towards it.

Even though I got to church as the message ended, I caught Sunday school and fellowship afterwards. It was awesome! Sunday school had some good points about Hebrews, the book of Hebrews in the New Testament that is. One point is that it was written in Hebrew, I think. I really don't know if the book of Hebrews was translated from Hebrew into greek, but the word "Testament" in the book of Hebrews was actually the Hebrew word "Covenant" that got translated into Testament when it was rewritten in Greek. Or the teacher said something like that. The difference between the two is that a Covenant is a blood pact. In the old days, the priest would throw half the blood of the animal sacrifice onto the altar, and the rest onto the people. This meant that you would die for your brothers and sisters, the ones you took the convenant with, to uphold the convenant. When we take communion, we are basically saying the same thing for the people that we're taking the bread and grape juice (wine) with. It's pretty serious stuff.

Anyway, I digressed on the summary. At sunday school, the teacher and the wife said that "it is nice to see you." It made me feel good that someone was glad to see me. Fellowship after church was even better. The message was about Valentine's day and relationships. They went over what the five love languages are from the book, "The Five Love Languages." The five love languages from the book are: Acts of service, Words of Affirmation (encouraging words), Gifts, Time, and Touch. We talked about relationships when we split into two large groups; guys in one, women in the other.

It was at that same place where we talked about dating some years ago when I was still in college. We kind of went over the same things, but one thing that they talked about was there are some things that we want the most in what we're looking for in another person. It differs from person to person obviously and can change over time. But, there are also two love languages that you probably like to give the most.

I'll spare you what was said in the conversation, but it was really helpful.

Getting back to what my title is, nobody seems to really want to talk to me about what happened at church or at fellowship. Nobody seems to have time. So I spent time with God instead. He seems to be the only one willing to listen to my babble. Kind of like this blog, but I'd rather not post too personal stuff on this. Anyway, always, God never turns me away, no matter how bad I think I've done. Accepting me as I am and wanting better for me, He challenges me to become a better person and live for Him.

I still have trouble with that. The two commandments that Jesus says in the Bible that are the most important are: 1. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and 2. Love your neighbor as yourself. It's so simple, yet so hard to do.

I'm not one to judge other people anymore. I'm tired of looking at people that I don't know and trying to determine their faith. They wouldn't listen to some random stranger anyway. Doesn't mean that I don't judge, but saying that I'd rather just not focus on condemning people anymore. Since when can we discern another person's faith? I certainly don't see everybody every single minute of the day. The church has a lot to learn, and basically, it's up to us as a church to make a difference wherever we are. Note the church is the people, not the building. It's the people of God and not the building or division that they divide themselves as.

Christianity is so different from anything that I've seen, because it focuses on a relationships with God and people. Granted I haven't seen too much in this short life span of mine. But yeah, from my background in a different religion, it really helps when people who claim to follow God actually follow Him. Jesus changed this world so much and He continues to change it through people who follow Him.

However, sometimes we think that we're following God, but we are not loving God or the people that we're trying to help. If you see people as projects, then you're not loving them. Regardless of what people think, nobody can convert anybody to Christianity. It is a choice that the individual makes. If you really love the person that you're reaching out to, then you'll love them regardless whether or not they come to Christ. But it is our hope that they do.

God never forces us to do anything. He lets us choose what we do. It makes me wonder where I'll end up. Will I choose to follow Him? Or will I choose my own path? I guess it's up to me.

Relationships

I was going to write some advice on the web about dating and Valentine's day, but I figured that this book would help a lot more. You can find the book that I'm talking about here.

It has some good life lessons in it and advice about our need to be known and know someone else. It is a great book and it has helped me in some ways which has allowed me to become more secure in who I am.

Anyway, read the reviews and the note from the publisher and make your own decision. My brother was the one who gave this book to me and it helped him from being not thought of as anything much by women to women being attracted to him.

I'm not saying that this book will make you into a more attractive person. What I'm saying is, this book will teach you how to grow from what society tells you about relationships to what is more applicable to relationships.

It will take work on your part, that's for sure. Growth, security, and a positive self image does not come like magic. It takes effort, work, and honesty.

Anyway, it's written by a married couple who are Christians and work together as a team of counselor and psychiatrist. I think that they have some good viewpoints. Check out the link if you're interested. I would highly recommend this book to anyone.

On another note, Stone apparently used this book for a message at AACF. hmm...

Is it me, or do all the days seem like a blurr recently? ...I think it's me and this is not a good sign. Maybe being out of school has dulled my brain. Hmm...I haven't been forcing myself as I thought I would to study Japanese. I'm not expecting any phone calls from any companies. Plus the one job agency that I did go through, I told them that I wasn't interested in that type of job anymore.

I guess I can't be picky, but I think that I would rather at least do something that I would want to do, even starting at the lowest level. That, or find temp work for the time being...hmm...

Anyway, it's 12:33 am right now. Chinese New Year is officially on! Yeah! Make way for the Gau baby! (Gau is a Chinese dessert.) Hmm...I don't know if my mom will make it this year. Oh well.

Chinese New Year hasn't been much to our family, but we still observe it. My parents sometimes make me throw fire crackers in the front and the back to ward off spirits. That however is usually during the other new year. heh. In recent years we haven't bought any new fire crackers, so I'm wondering each year if the fuses got any faster with age. These were old fire crackers that my brother bought when he was a teenager. That was about 8-10 years ago! Obviously I know nothing about gunpowder other than rumors I hear. But I still look to see if the firecrackers sweat at all. So far they haven't. It's probably because it's such a small amount of gunpowder.

Anyway, enough of my ranting. Happy New Year!

"Would Jesus Drive a BMW?"

I listened to this sermon by Tony Campolo. I think that this gave me some answers that I wasn't expecting, but needed to hear. It is a very hard message to listen to, because it is convicting of who we as America have made Jesus out to be.

In the message he says everything straightforward and clear. "It's harder for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle." Anyway, it's a good message. The website is

www.tonycampolo.org

Click on Hear Tony's messages. The title is "Would Jesus Drive a BMW?" It's a hard message to hear, but I think that he makes some good points.

Note that it is very entertaining as well. He's a dynamic speaker and one of the best I've heard. He says things bluntly about the Word and asks us "What would Jesus do in our shoes? What would He do if He were in my place?" Being a Christian is very dangerous, not safe, because it is very radical. How often do you see someone get the crap beaten out of them because they were protesting non-violently? And no, you won't see that on this message.

About the last post

I've come to realize something just now. It really depends on who the people are in charge and the people serving. Money can only do so much. But a person can do a whole lot more. Without people, money is worthless. If you're the only one on the planet, then it's unlikely that you'll pay yourself to do a service or make something useful. Money is meant to be exchanged for something from other people.

Really, money can't do a whole lot, unless it has the people behind it who are willing to work for that money and use the money. So in a sense, people are the real capital.

I guess if you want some change in this world to be done, then I guess you yourself will have to do it. I guess paying some organization to do the work will only do so much. If there is to be real change, then it has to come from people who are willing to make that change.

Money...it's not worth as much as a person no matter how much money you have.

I guess if I want real change, then I have to go out there and volunteer to do work to help others. Hmm...volunteer work.

Sometimes there's just too much

I still can't find my Warcraft III Battlechest. After so many months after I moved out of Maplewood, I wait till now to look for it. Oh well...it's in someone else's hands right now. Hopefully they're putting it to good use. That, or it's in the trash.

As I was looking through my room, I see that I have a wealth of stuff around my room that I don't use at all. It's sad. I have all this stuff that I spent money on and I don't use it. It just shows that capitalism can give you a lot, but it won't bring you happiness. haha But really, you can have all you want in this life and those things won't bring to you any happiness or sense of well being.

I'm not saying that I'm not happy. I'm just saying that the things that I thought would make me happy really don't last that long. I guess I need to stop buying stuff to feel good and use all the material I have until I can honestly say that "I have read every book, played every video game, listened to all the music I have, and watched every DVD in my room."

Man, I seriously would have had a lot more money if I didn't buy all these things. Hmm...I guess I just need to keep it simple and be content with what I have.

For some reason, I get jealous of others when they get something really great. I think, "Man, I would like to have that too!" But if you think about it, there's so much that I have already!

I guess that's the thing with greed. It consumes you, controls you, and you always want more. Humans and their inability to control their desires...will it never end?

I'm not saying that desires are a bad thing. What I'm saying is, we let ourselves be controlled by our desires rather than controlling our desires.

Okay, I'm going to try to stop buying things that aren't necessary for daily life. That is, until I finish all the things that I do have right now. Money is a tool to be used. It can be used for many things. It is not necessarily evil, but since it can give a person leverage (power) then it can be used for evil. Or, it could be used for good.

What I'm trying to say is, I could have used all this money for a better cause. Those two years working at the library were spent over time. But given how much I have, shouldn't I have used it for something that would help another person? Or would be used for some greater purpose? Instead, I used a lot of it on myself. Well...I didn't entirely spend it on myself, but I spent the majority of it on myself. I didn't spend it all on myself though.

I distrust some organizations

Sometimes I distrust some organizations that keep asking for money every two weeks. It seems like there's always something new that they want us to donate money to. I wonder how much of it goes to the purpose that they're using it for. In Economics, my professor said that the organizations will use it for their own purposes and if you donate to a specific fund, then no matter how much is donated, the budget for that fund will still be the same. I wonder how many organizations do that. I don't know.

But there's one that I do donate to and I'm wondering if they're just trying to leech as much money as they can from me. I'm thinking that I really don't know how much of their budget goes to the specified people. Their annual budget charts don't tell too much about how they spent their money. It just goes into a big category which could mean anything. I guess it would be taxing if they spelled every little thing out. But man, how general can you get? Could you at least break it down as to what funds we donate to get what budget? I think that I'm wishing for too much.

Which is why I have stopped donating to a specific fund. They keep asking for something new. More than my share that I agreed to. I wonder if they're conning me. Yeah, I'm cynical. But man, I have good intentions to help others, yet it seems like they're always asking for more and more. Are they taking advantage of my good intentions? Or are they using it for good purposes? I must talk to more people about this. Some organizations seem better than others. But man, they make it sound so urgent and yet we have so little information as to how things are changing. Do these organizations actually do what they say they do? I guess I'll never know. But man, I did get more cynical after I started donating to this specific charity.

The one thing that I know that my money will be used in the best way is through people that I know who go on missions. I actually know the person and their heart for others. Which is why I think that it goes a lot better with me to spend on this rather than some organization.

I guess organizations need money to run. The people who work there need to earn their living too. But it seems so distant. I can't help but think, man, is any organization out to help others? Or are they out there mainly for themselves with others as a secondary target? I guess that's where researching comes in handy.

Ahh, money. Is it really that important?

Sometimes, the one person that I need to talk to is the one person that seems farthest away.

Some things in my head need to be cleaned out. If I am to be an ambassador of Christ, then I need to really get my act together. Right now, I'm not a very good ambassador and I know that it's going to take some work. But hey, I have today...what's left of it.

I guess if I want to be remembered in a good way, then I've got to get going. Next week, key words, "force myself." Force myself to do constructive things and to do what I need to do.

Anyway, there willl never be a level where I'll reach the top. There will always be room for improvement. The best thing that one can do is keep working to get better. (I've said this many times and I need to get myself into gear.)

Do or Die

I could say that I'm an all or nothing person at times. I've been most of my life but recently, I've started to be closer toward the shades of gray. I like to think that I'll be okay no matter what happens. But, there comes a time when you've got to make some choices.

It's nothing serious, I'm just wondering about my life and my direction. I have found that in order to compete, you need to exercise and be fit. And if you go into something serious and you're unfit, then you will most likely lose.

In the movie "8 mile", rapper Rabbit was really good with words. Things didn't work out at first and when things seemed to go right, it turned out wrong. I won't tell you how it ends, or else spoil the movie, but he realized that to get anywhere, you're going to have to be wise, work hard for something good and take chances.

This skill with words did not come overnight, but through many years probably. To compete in the big games, you need to build up muscles and skill. To compete in life you need to get good at something and do it well. This world will eat you alive if you're not careful. For the good of society, I hope that people will do constructive things as their work, but I know that wherever anybody can make an easy dollar at the expense of others there will be trouble.

I'm finding that I have no direction right now. One of my former roommates told me to start small and then work your way up. My dad tells me that I should work in a Japanese grocery store where they speak Japanese. Right now, I'm up for anything that would improve my Japanese. It's kind of funny how I have very little experience talking in Japanese, but I know that if I do want to get good at that, then I'm going to have to train to some degree.

One thing that I've learned from church is that following Christ will not help you get ahead in this dog eat dog world. Giving to the poor, helping others in need, and the message of "it's not about me, but about God" all shows me that the commands to "Love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength" and 2nd to "Love your neighbor as yourself" is really not how far you can go in this life but how you grow in your relationship with God and how you have relationships, help others as you yourself would want to be treated.

With that said, I can honestly say that I'm not doing very well in that category either. As of lately, I've been thinking, "what am I here for?" I honest come up with answers that I'm here to help others. But when I look at how I help others, I find that I still have a lot of issues about treating others as I would myself like to be treated. Relationships with other people has never been a strong part of me. I like to be a loner from time to time, but I know that that's not how God wants any of us to live. Love and community go together.

With that said also, I've been finding that I haven't been going to church that often. Part of me wonders if I really learn anything at all from church. I go, then I don't reflect, then I go off being the same as I was. I have learned some good things from church, but I have forgotten a lot of them. I look at myself and see someone who has not grown that much in the last two or three years.

What is it that I want? I know the cliche answer. But what is it that I truly want? In my heart, something cries out saying that "I want to know God." However, I find that inside of me, I haven't been making efforts to read His word or actually just spend time with Him because I would enjoy it.

I digress from what I was talking about earlier, but what is it that I truly want in life? Do I really want it? I guess I don't know what I want anymore.

Do or die, is it really that simple? I think the answer for me is no. But, I know that being mediocre is not what I want anymore.

Start small, take chances, and grow. I guess I need that do or die attitude, because I really want to do some things and without the prep., I know that I'm not going to get anywhere. Growth is important in all aspects of life. But it requires effort, intention, and a will to do it. So far I have two of those. hehe.

I guess I need to start small. When I grow some more from my efforts, then I'll be ready for the next step. Do or die, I will use that attitude again. It's nice to have a blog to jot down my thoughts.

February 2nd and still no job. I've been out of a job since the beginning of October. I was studying for the Japanese Proficiency test, psotponed my job searching and won't get my results from the test back until March. I'm not sure what I'm going to do in the meantime, but applying to jobs and places is the only thing that I can do.

Hmm....should I work at Safeway? I can imagine making $7 an hour again. heh, no I don't see myself doing that.

Anyway, hopefully I will get a game testing job somehow. I don't expect that it will come soon, but we'll see if anybody will hire me. I have a lot of experience playing video games, but since I went to college, I've gotten a little less experience on the recent games. I should have looked into video game testing during the summer of my high school years.

Anyway, all I can do is just apply and look for jobs. I wonder if I'll get a job anytime soon.

Finished!!! Yeah Baby!

Woohoo! I've finally finished translating that article! I'm so happy now that I don't have any more responsibility for awhile. Except finding a job. It was weighing on me for awhile and I really didn't want to translate this for fear that I might cause some international dispute. But after I translated the whole thing well enough I found that I was worrying about nothing. (Phew)

I told the person that I was translating it for that I'd send it in today. So I'm glad that I was able to get it done.

Sometimes there's just nothing to post

To take some time to forget the current happenings of the world, I googled my name and found that there is another person by the same name as me. Apparently, he's pretty good in running and other sport marathon type things.

Things going on are just the need to pray a lot and this translation, which I really don't want to do anymore. But I got to and time is ticking by and the person I volunteered to do it for is still waiting. So many things are going on.

Anyway, I really think that I need to stop drinking coffee in the morning. For the past couple of nights, I've been staying up late and have been drinking some coffee to stay up late. However, last night, my body told me that I need to go to sleep. I wake up feeling refreshed, but my heart rate does not seem to be slowing down when I'm sleeping. (I drank some coffee to stay up later.) Anyway, stimulants don't stop the effects of tiredness, they seem to make it worse.

I guess you could say that I am typing on this blog to relieve stress and voice some of my frustrations and maybe feel like I am actually talking to someone who wants to listen to what I have to say. I admit that writing stuff down makes me feel better. Anyway, I don't want to get too personal, so I'll end here.

I really don't want to talk about politics. No matter what it is, it always seems like Republicans are against Democrats, and Democrats are against Republicans. Does anybody vote for what they truly think anymore? Does anyone truly listen to their own conscience anymore?

A proverb in Japan is, "the nail that sticks out gets hammered back down." Meaning, the person who sticks out from the rest, will get hammered back down by the system of everyone else.

I guess it's true here in America too in some respects. Politicians want to get re-elected and want to have a career. If you don't follow the unwritten rules, then you'll be on the black list.

I must say if we don't stand up for what we believe in, then what will we stand up for? Something we don't believe in? Something that we're afraid to speak out against for fear of being knocked around?

I guess that's the key word. FEAR. If you live in fear, then are you truly living?

Currently, I'm translating an article about internment. I have no idea if this article is going to be used for good purposes, but I'm guessing so. I just hope that it will be used for good and that I won't be a cause for many people to hate someone.

Anyway, need to do a good job so there won't be any misunderstandings. But yeah, if there's anything wrong or any misunderstandings between the two sides, then I'm in for a great deal of heat. It will probably have to do with a mistake that I made in the translation or a word choice of one word over another. Anyway, I just need to do a good job, or else.

I took this volunteer position because I was interested in the article, but I'm wondering if I will be the cause of something good to be lost. It could be the other way around. I could be the one to help something good be saved. What, I don't know. But I've just got to do this and get it over with.

Doing what I'm supposed to do

I got back into translating an article that I was supposed to do awhile ago. I just didn't want to be responsible for causing ill will between Japan and America, especially in a place where the people fought against internment.

Anyway, I translated it a little better, so it makes more sense. The article is not saying that internment was right. It was saying that there is a controversy over someone saying that internment was right.

I mistranslated a portion of it and thought that it said something that it didn't, so I got really angry and put it away. But after looking at it again, I found that it said something different. So now, I'm interested in what it has to say.

Basically, the article compared the US after 9-11 and the Japanese internment. They compared the treatment of followers of Islam to how the Japanese Americans were sent to internment camps. It also talked about a special class that was being taught about internment and how someone was angry that this class was being taught.

The person thought that it was an anti-western propaganda class. Can you believe that? The West does so many things wrong. We in America only hear the things we do right. Is it a wonder why we don't know why the rest of the world hates us? We don't know what our country does!

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I'm not saying that our country does bad all the time, it's just that we don't hear about what goes on all the time. History can be written in someone's point of view and not in what actually happened. Use your best judgment when going through things, and don't believe everything that you read or hear. Listen to it, give it consideration and determine if it is true or not. The most important word is "listen".

Sometimes the best thing to do is not write on a blog, but to actually talk to someone who cares. Not saying that you don't care, but sometimes, things can get answered from feedback from people whom you really trust. Use your best judgment though.

Sometimes, it's just out of our hands

My friend has something wrong with him. I'm not talking about anything other than his legs. Nobody knows why he has this problem, but he can't walk that well.

While we were talking the other night, I told him that he's just going to have to accept it. He replied, "How can I accept it? I used to be able to run and now I can't even walk." I had no answer.

But it did remind me just now of the people who were told that they'd never walk again. One who was told that won a gold medal in the Olympics for sprinting after fighting so hard to regain his walking ability. Before that he was told that he wouldn't last the night. Both times, he determined that he wouldn't let himself accept the fate that others told him, and he proved them wrong. The story can be found in Chicken Soup for the Soul. My High school teacher read us a story from that book every Friday. It was in 1998 when I heard that story. Miracles do happen.

I wonder if my friend will walk to his former ability. Something is wrong with his body, but his heart...I'm not sure where his heart is right now being so frustrated. But we did pray before he left and he does have a strong faith. I was encouraged by his prayer.

All I can do is do what I can for him and pray and ask others to pray. He is struggling and he needs help. I just hope that God will lead him to something good. I can't imagine what is wrong with him, but I know that some things don't work out the way we want them to. Maybe I'm weak in faith, but I know that sometimes, regardless of how much we pray, it doesn't happen. Sometimes they're painful, and sometimes we don't understand why. I guess I'll never understand why, until I can ask Him myself when I die.

I believe that not everything is in God's will, but people disagree with me on that. I say this, because if you look at all the wrong in the world...is this God's will? Does God want this? I believe no. It's the things that we have created. But then again, people disagree with me, so I'm unsure of this.

I will never understand everything in this world. There's a lot that I don't understand. And there's a lot that I don't want to understand. But regardless of the bad things in life, God is still present and He is still there. He's the only person that understands what my friend is going through. It's out of my hands, but there are still things that I can do.

About the last post...

Yeah, I was kind of angry at some of the things that I read. Maybe I was thinking irrationally, but I do feel that sometimes we make this world into a harsher place. I can't help what people think and I really try not to care what other people think. But sometimes things just make me angry. And I don't get angry that often.

Anyway, I believe that all people have worth. Even though some may do terrible things, they have worth and can change. I believe that God can do anything, but He does not do everything that we want Him to do. He sees farther ahead than I do and maybe things happen this way for a reason. Whatever it may be, I don't have the ability to see the future.

Anyway, I meant what I said in the previous post and maybe I was acting on emotion, but yeah, I did mean that stuff, even though harsh and sometimes naive.

Future

Well, I got turned down for a job. It was a job that demanded long term commitment and I wasn't sure if I really wanted to stay there that long. But I guess maybe this is for the better, because if I had been offered that job, I would have taken it, and I'm not sure if that would be what God wanted me to do.

But I know that things work in accordance to God's plan. I'm sort of glad that I didn't get the job, but kind of sad. I'm thinking that maybe a headhunter company is not the way to go. Everyone wants long term commitment. heh

Anyway, I know that jobs will come and go and they're really not the whole world. I'm starting to think that it was God that stopped me from getting that job. Whether it was or not, I can only say that I think that this is for the best.

Maybe teaching English through JET is something that I should pursue. I always wanted to improve my Japanese. I always wanted to go back to Japan. I always want to grow. There is some good things ahead of me and I know that this is for the best.

History reborn

The person who said that, "if we don't learn from the past, history is doomed to repeat itself." Well, what he said is true. But, one thing that I must say is, unless we learn it correctly and not in our dehumanizing stereotypes or discrimination, then we're on a good track.

However, I've come across something that has disturbed me. It's very recent and I can only say that it is due to ignorance.

More about that later, but right now, I must say that people really need to stop looking at people as enemies and look at people as people. If we continue with dehumanizing people, then we're just going to let the whole world go to Hell.

The War on Terror on both sides seems to not be going well. People are dying and lives are being shattered. I say both sides, because violence seems to be growing on the Terrorists side and lots of people are dying because of them and the terrorists themselves are dying too. I say on our side, because War is destroying our troops and it is destroying the Iraqis. Really, war is a no win situation. As one person put it, "war is a failure on both sides...because we had to resort to war to handle the situation. Both sides failed to do things rationally." But, I guess sometimes it's necessary. Look at WWII. Anyway, I'm not saying anything about the war on terror. I'm not sure what to think of it right now.

If we look at the Terrorists as something other than people, then we have lost already. The Terrorists believe that they're doing the right thing, even though it's wrong. It's being handled in the wrong way if you do it through violence.

But, God loves them too. Is anybody perfect? No. All people make mistakes. Everyone, no matter what you are, is still human. Jesus died for everyone and every person that dies, whether terrorist or not is a loss.

If you look on our side, Graner the head person who was in charge of the prison atrocities in Iraq was asked, "Do you have any regrets?" He said, "no" as he was being led in handcuffs to the prision van after he was sentenced to 10 years. Friends or family said that Graner believed in "treating people the same way he wanted to be treated."

If that's not hypocrisy then I don't know what is. What Graner did is wrong. He believed that he was doing something right. He was, "just following orders," as he put it. And in my opinion, he got off light. I hope that the people who ordered him will get more severe sentences. But I know that they are safe from this.

But, it's so easy to say that "he's such a terrible person." If he is or isn't, he's human and there is worth in him still. God loves him as God loves everybody. Jesus died for him too.

If you don't believe me, look up this passage found here.

So, what I'm trying to say in short is, don't look at people as anything less than human. Even the worst of us is loved by God. I know, because I was one of the worst at a time in my life. But God did some work in my life through many people, people praying for me, and people's actions towards me. God has the power to change people's hearts. He works through those who are willing to be used for His glory.

Yeah, God's love does not excuse us from what we do. We will all be accountable for what we do according to our deeds. But know this, all people have worth. No matter what you think of them, or what you say about them, or what you see them do, all people have worth. Why? Because God says that each person has worth enough for Him to love us and even to die for us.
There is no partiality with God.

One last thing. If you try to help people, then there's always the chance that they will bite you. They may try to hurt you because of many things. Be careful if you try to help others. I'm not saying, don't help others, what I'm saying is, be alert and be wary. Don't be naive.

Jesus tells his disciples, "Be as shrewd as serpents and innocent as doves." His promises that He says after that are true too.

Anyway, I've wrote a long winded post. It just upsets me to see that people just don't understand what being human is all about. We know things from our perspective, yet we don't see things as the truth. You got to realize that we're all imperfect and that we all make mistakes. Yet if we don't see our mistakes, then we and others around us are in trouble. And, if we think that we're somehow better than others, then you've just put your heads up in the clouds and have made yourself to be an idol.

In short, looking down on people, or thinking that you are better than anyone else is practically the same thing.

Yeah, I feel strongly about this. Don't we believe that "all men are created equal." No man is better than the next. God is the judge of all people. We are not qualified to be the judge.

And yes, the recent thing I read really made me angry. People are people, no matter where they're from.

Sometimes I wonder what the future will bring.

Thoughts

Some things come to mind as I am contemplating my life. "Are you doing what you need to do?" "Are you making things happen?" "Are you being a good steward of what you have?"

To all three I say no. I'm coming to think that when the time comes for me to do something that I'll be unprepared.

Got to pick up where I left off and start again. You may ask what I'm talking about...I'm talking about fate.

Okay, end the blog and start now. =)

Days go by...

I'm starting to think that I'm not going to get a call back from the head hunter company. I'm thinking that I need to check out the newspaper again.

Just one thing that came to mind yesterday. About the test that they were going to do on me, I'm wondering if it was a drug test. If it was so, then I probably should have went through with it on the same day. But yeah, just for the record, I'm not on drugs. If it was a drug test, then I can only imagine, unless I am actually tested.

To pass the time, I've started watching Smallville from the 2nd season. I plan on buying the first season once I get a job. I like the series because it deals a lot with human emotions and personalities. Plus, something strange and weird happens every episode. It always ends with some sort of lesson at the end about relationships. It's fun and entertaining, so I'd recommend this series to anyone who likes watching dramas.

Also, I've taken up a volunteer translation thing, so I'll see what they think about my work. But it's only one article about the Japanese American internment, so I'm interested in what this newspaper has to say. It's a Japanese newspaper that's writing about this. The article was published in October 2004.

Anyway, there's things that I need to do, so I'll end here.

They're going to test me. In what I don't know. I should have asked, but I didn't want it to sound like I was going to cram before it. Anyway, I'm guessing it's in Japanese, or word processing and 10 key. Anyway, the only thing that I really don't know well is Excel. The other things, I should have no problem with.

I went in today to a head hunter company. If you don't know what those are, they submit your resume to employers who pay them to find potential employees. I've had a run in with a head hunter company before, and was offered a job, but I didn't take it. The commute was really long...say about 1 hour 45 minutes in traffic one way. Anyway, I'm not sure if I'll be so lucky this time. My friend tells me that I should have taken the job. Well...I'm starting to think that he is right.

Anyway, with more practice, I'll be successful. I might not get the job that I really really want, but hey, I just got to put food on the table. I'm hopeful that I will do well.

This situation reminds me of a Japanese drama about a successful businessman who really has no love for people. And the people who are in a poor neighborhood about to be torn down by this businessman, who really have love for each other, but no success in the business world.

Anyway, if you can guess already, they impact one another and they all change for the better. The twists and turns in the drama make it a very interesting one to watch, but it has some culture that you might not understand. Some things are sentimental to Japanese people, whereas it might not be to others. But, in all respects, it's a touching drama, even though it's not developed really well.

The ending shows how they all changed because of each other, the businessman, and the community of people. And don't worry, it's a positive ending.

Anyway, I'm sure that things will work out fine. I have hope, and I'm not going to give up so easily.

You may be asking how the drama fits into this post. Lets say that it fits more in the process of my life.

I took a chance and it's paying off. I might have a job soon. But, I have no idea which company it is for. Anyway, if things go right, then I'll be earning a little dough.

My plan is to get a job in the meantime, and earn some income. Then, after work, study Japanese. Simple plan, right? All I can say is that it's going to take some conscious effort to get this done.

Another Sunday, another opportunity missed...

My alarm went off playing some beautiful music. Apparently they were advertising this guy over national radio. He was playing the violin pretty wickedly and that helped me to be content with keeping my eyes closed.

I went back to sleep after my radio turned off an hour later. I wake up and see that it's 11am. Service is over already. For all the times that I've gone late, I didn't feel like going late again and hearing some comment about how late I am. I guess my church family doesn't know that I took it personally, but I don't hold it against them. I know that it is my fault for not going to sleep early enough, and part of it isn't my fault. However, I'd rather not post why it's not my fault and reveal more than I want to.

Anyway, a good speaker was supposed to be speaking today at service. A man I really respect. For some reason, it seems like I miss all the good services due to oversleeping and the fact that I really don't want to hear some comments from people that are supposed to be my family.

I know that it's important to go to church every Sunday and learn, be in community, and help others who need help. Regardless of me knowing these things, I often find that I just go to church and not learn anything at all. Why? I don't reflect on the message; I don't try to change. Sometimes sundays are just filled with so much stuff, that I really just don't want to get out of bed and do all those things. Depression? Maybe...

Anyway, I plan to go to church next week. I know that going to church is better than not going to church. It's better because something good can happen, whereas if you don't go, then nothing happens. Taking a chance on anything, there is a possibility that something could go wrong. But, for some reason, whenever I go, I find that my week is much better, I feel more alive, and sometimes, just sometimes, I try to apply something that I learned on Sunday.

I feel like I'm stuck in a rut right now as I've been going to church almost every sunday of 2004. But, I know that I can change this if I want to. I have a plan, and I'm going to work on it.

It's not something that you do only on Sundays, but something that you should do everyday. Sunday is a special day of the week. But, for me, it's hard. I guess for me, dealing with people has never been easy. But, to me, this is what makes life worth living. God, and the people in your life.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this 'Love your neighbor as yourself'. There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:30-31

Sometimes, I'd rather not post. heh.

If I thought of myself as ignorant, I couldn't have thought that more after reading Noam Chomsky's article on G Chan's website. You can find it here.

Click on Noam Chomsky and also check out the website that it's on. The website has some info about what is actually happening that isn't covered by the regular media.

I now remember why I was angry at America in 1999. Things haven't changed. America is not better than it was 100 years ago. Even 50 years ago, if you still compare it, things haven't changed. All we do is see what good America does. We're always kept in the dark about the things that are bad that America does.

That, is why I really don't want to work for the American Gov.

Things work out

Okay, so yesterday it was snowing while I was walking the dog. It couldn't have been any worse of a time. I had to drop my brother off at the airport and I also had to mail out some medicine to my dad. Being that my dad forgot his medicine before he went out and needed it soon. So he requested it be shipped overnight.

I came home and went to sleep and lo and behold when I wake up, it's gone. The one time that sleeping my problems away worked. No, I'm just kidding.

Well, things worked out.

On another note, I got turned down from a southside job agency. Apparently they didn't have any jobs for me. But, even though I probably won't get a good job right away, I'm still hopeful that I could earn enough to live on. My parents like having me home and I enjoy their company also. All I need to pay for is some expenses and save up money. I just need any type of job right now...well, actually, I won't do anything, but yeah, any decent job will do.

I'm hopeful that I'll get a good job later on. My Japanese skills aren't the best right now, but with some practice everyday, then I'm sure that it will become a lot better. In the meantime I have a Japanese newspaper to read. I've been kind of been taking a break from Japanese after the test. So getting back in the habit of reading will be a very good thing.

I wonder what the future holds for me. I'm hopeful that there will be some good things in there. But I know that it all can't be good. What I keep telling myself is that I need to rely on God the most and just not worry about what is coming. I know that I'm not prepared to face what is to come. I know that it will come like a ton of bricks and if I'm not strong enough to hold up under it, it'll crush me.

But, even if I am unprepared, I know that things will be alright. Life is harsh, and reality will not be the best, but still, there will be some good out there trying to make right what is wrong.

I guess I'm optimistic about the future. No sense worrying about tomorrow, because tomorrow will worry about itself. The one thing that I have is God, and despite what happens, God will always be there.

One thing that my brother told me was that, "you need to be a good steward of what you have. Your skills, your money, your time, your possessions that God has given to you. Sometimes, you'll receive good things because you've taken such good care of the things that you have." He got a scholarship, because he worked hard on his skills and it has made life a little better. Anyway, it might be hard to understand what I'm talking about. But yeah, you'll never know what will come, you can only do what you can now and if you invest well, then you might get something back. My brother would never have gotten that scholarship if he didn't work on his skills everyday. He didn't even ask for it, his teacher recommended him for this scholarship, because he was doing very well.

So, with that said, work hard and invest your time wisely. You'll never know what is coming. You might be rewarded for the good that you do, or you might not. But, you'll never know how things will work out if you didn't have the right things at the right time.