Who am I?

That question is coming up a lot. I remember why I ask this. But I'd rather not post why. But yeah, I remember not knowing who I was when I was a teenager. I know myself better now, but I still question who I am.

A lot of painful things are coming/have come and I'm wondering how I'm going to deal with all this. Life seems a lot like work sometimes.

At work, I scan boxes passing me by on a conveyor belt. When there is more than one person stacking all the boxes on the belt, it seems overwhelming. Sometimes I have to take my lumps and get back ahead of the game and scan the boxes ahead of the others instead of trying to get the ones that I missed. What am I saying? Well...what I'm saying is, "you won't bat 100%. Sometimes you'll strike out. But what you have to do is pick yourself up and try again. Or else, you'll never get your work done."

Things are changing. Myself included. While they do not change fast, they do move at a certain rate and some things here today will be gone tomorrow. While I'm still in one spot things are moving by quickly. I'll never regain some things that I've lost, but hey, I never had most of them in the first place.

There's nothing to do but to move on with my life. No sense crying over spilled milk. Enough sayings yet? haha. Anyway, like light, it moves at a great speed and it never stays in one place. However, they did trap light in a crystal about a year or two ago and are probably devloping this technology. So this analogy might be outdated in 10 years, if not untrue now.

I still wonder who I am. Do I really believe these things? I like to think yes. Sometimes I just don't want to believe in these things. But it feels better to be optimistic rather than pessimistic. With what little power I have, I have my own choices to make.

Well...get back on my feet and start walking. The journey has begun. The destination, unknown. Sometimes I'll be alone. Sometimes there will be others. However, one thing always remains a constant. God is with us. With all the material things that we have in America, we are all beggars. This stuff distracts us from what's important. I'm not saying get rid of all your possessions or to sell them off, but what I'm saying is, there are more important things out there than homes, or cars or financial security. Not saying that you shouldn't pursue these things, but really, what things are most important in this world?

I again ask, who am I? Why am I here? And I can't help but think...do I want to go against the flow again? I'm tired, old, and cranky. I know that in this state, I won't enter the kingdom of God. I'm not a child anymore, and I need to become one again. (Not literally mind you.)

Anyway, I like writing what comes off the top of my head. I'm sure that a lot of you don't know what I'm talking about. I touched on many things, but I didn't tell you what I'm talking about. However, I don't expect anyone to understand.

Monday...silence...RAIN

I saw the movie my friend worked on yesterday. It was called RAIN. It was pretty good for their first hour long film and I'd say that the actors did a good job. The movie was about Korean nationals and Korean Americans and the differences that keep the two apart.

It was a good effort to bring the two together and to address issues that bother both groups about the other. The characters were real and I felt like I got to know them.

It was weird being back at my old university. I took in more of the scenery around the school. The trees, the skyline, the buildings. I haven't walked on campus for awhile, and I missed it while I was there. Even though I go to my university once a week, I don't ever go on campus, because I am a busy person and I have things to do. (Watch Anime, TV, play video games, etc. haha) I guess I prefer not revisiting old memories that I'm trying to put away. As fun, gruelling, and painful was my time in the university, I'm feeling like I have to move on and do something different. It was kind of weird seeing people my own age again...a lot of them.

Anyway, there's something going on at the university on May 20th. Some revival meeting or such. They're trying to get the whole city there. I said that I'd go and even signed some papers saying that I'd go. But things have come up and I'm not sure if I will go or not. I guess I could go for an hour or two. Parking is going to be bad though.

As skeptical as I am about this revival meeting, I know that it could touch one person's life. Who knows how many it will bring to the fellowships around campus. My pastor at my church became a Christian beginning with a revival meeting and attending a fellowship on campus. Maybe this is an answer to all the prayers for our god forsaken region. Who knows. I'm thinking...why did I sign up to go again? What am I going to do there? I feel like people are afraid of me sometimes. I think the reason is that I don't talk that well and people get nervous over the uncomfortable silence. Who knows...nobody tells me and I don't bother to ask.

Anyway, my thoughts were jumbled in this post. But yeah, that was my monday. Going to work, then sleeping after work and waking up to go to this movie and getting invited to a revival.

I'm still skeptical about this revival meeting. To me it sounds like an event to gather at instead of a place where people will intentionally reach out to others. I hope that I'm wrong in this though. The thing that is needed are people that will reach out to the people who attend and will continue contact with them. However, it will need to be with a group of people who will genuinely care for the person that they're reaching out to. I have doubts right now, and I guess I should pray about them and find direction.

Watching anime, I remember why I like Japan. Even though I know that things are not perfect in Japan (since when is any place perfect?) I do like some of the ideas and notions that I grew up with watching Akira Kurosawa Samurai movies. Well, I only watched two when I was a kid, but it deeply affected me in many ways. I wanted to be a Samurai when I grew up. I probably should have taken Kendo (Japanese sword fighting) instead of Judo (Japanese wrestling). Oh well, there's no chance that I'll ever become a Swordsman. I can't even dance let alone get the steps right for fencing.

Anyway, there's a lot of things that I like about Japan. However, there are a lot of things that I dislike about Japan. I guess learning about them in school and hearing them on the news really makes me angry. It was the same reaction that I had in 12th grade when I learned about America's actions in Nicaragua and Central and South America during the 70s and 80s.

At one point I was angry at America for all the wrong that they've (we've) done. I can't blame the government of America entirely, because we elect these people and we are the cause for many wrongs in the world. Betterment of America, betterment of our lives at the cost of others. It's not just America either. Other countries have their wrongs too. Some more messed up in certain ways. Not saying that ours isn't bad.

This post is just me thinking out loud. I'm thinking that there is no perfect place. Obviously. But I shouldn't be mad or judge another place. America has its flaws too. But I can't help but think, does anybody care anymore?

I guess I shouldn't look to others for that answer, but look inside of myself. I drink Starbucks, regardless of their practices. I used to buy Nike shoes and still buy Nike clothes occasionally, even though they have sweatshops and pay their workers inadequately. I spend a heck of a lot on myself and don't do very much to help others. I have quite a bit of junk that I don't need.

Hypocrisy...I'd say so. The question that I ask myself is, "What am I going to do?" The question that I should ask is, "What would Jesus do?"

I look at Jesus in the Bible in the gospels and see someone who really went all out for the people. He was selfless and He changed people's lives by doing good in them, giving them an example, and teaching. I don't want to go too much into this, because I personally believe that a blog is not a place where you should post up spiritual stuff. But Jesus continually challenges me to live for God and to love my neighbor as myself. I am still failing at that.

I have a hard time even talking to the people at my workplace let alone anybody else that I know already. However, I am finding that I am become a little better at talking by doing that everyday.

Part of me thinks that I should have gone on the missions trip to Brazil. It's too late for that now. I've already made my decision, and I can't live in the what if's anymore. Maybe next year.

Right now, I'm sure that I should focus on my job and church. This job is a gift and I'm there for some reason. However, I feel like I'm making no impact at all. I guess it has only been one week. We'll see what things come.

Star Wars III

check out the starwars website on Episode three. They have the regular trailer out and not just the teaser. Plus they have wallpaper for your Background also.

You can find the link here.

Note you will need Flash player to access this website. But if you don't have it, they have it ready to download on their website.

Man, I really need to read those books before the third episode comes out. I have the prequel to episode 3, and the episode 3 book. I'm hoping to get them read before the movie comes out.

day 5...another day in the Penitentary

Today we were supposed to get out early. We got out late, because an air shipment came at the last minute. However, there were other people backed up in loading, so we helped them also. One guy was late to school because of this.

But yeah, I don't know why they let off other people and not him. Oh well, he's actually a good worker. That's probably why. We needed to get these things done as fast as possible. These were overnight shipments or something like that.

There were problems with a shipment yesterday because a train in our area derailed. So we didn't get the things that we were supposed to get today. We'll have a long monday. But it's all good. We would have been there for a long time if we got that stuff today.

As I work, there are people who yell out stuff. They're yelling stuff like H!!! G!!! H~~!!!, or HEMOROIDS!!! or STEROIDS!!! with a growl at the oids part. It's about 5-6 guys doing that.

They finally spelled out what HGH means. Human Growth Horomones. I find that whenever I get sent back there to do some scanning of missed packages that they would suddenly be quiet and professional. They're supposed to say, "No Label!" when a package has no label, and I scan it and put it in the right place. But yeah, they all go quiet when I go back there. haha.

As you know, Mother's day is coming up. May 8th. The head guy said that scanners will have to be careful, because a time when everyone is sending stuff to their mom, they'll need to get it in a timely manner. So if it has the wrong label on it, it's not going to get there on time. I only noticed that I messed up once today. So I'm getting better.

Anyway, the first week wasn't so bad. I'm glad that it's done. But yeah, I feel like I accomplished something after work each day. I have a long way to go in terms of improvment, but I will get better with consistent effort.

To be honest, I'm not earning that much here, but it's better than nothing. I'm not sure how long I'm going to stay here, but we'll see. I might stay here a whole year. But who knows. Maybe I'll get back into Japanese by then.

Another boring post about work (Day 4)

I don't know what it is, but I felt tired today. I think that it was having to go in to work an hour early for training. Hmm...it wasn't that great of training either. All we did was watch a video, take a test, and then they collected the materials that we worked on. I'm thinking...how the heck am I supposed to remember all these things? I guess the important things that I took from that was, "don't handle things that look dangerous," "Notify your supervisor when you have a question about something." Not too difficult, but I wonder how many employees know most of what is being taught in training. I will have a test later on in the year about this too. Well, I guess I just have to do what makes sense.

For some reason, I was off by one label. That's really bad, because if you're off by one, then all the packages that you apply the label to are off by one and are sent to the wrong places. Hmm...I saw a little more of the plant today as I was sent to a different place to move some packages. I'd say that that was less stressful than the job that they have me currently doing, but I'd say that the job that I have now is easier on the body than what the other guys have to do. I'd say that I got it easy compared to the other guys, but I have more responsibility in making sure that the packages are scanned correctly and the correct label is on.

I'd say however, that the loaders that I work with have it tough, and I got off easy. I can't imagine how tired they get. Oh well, I won't have to worry too much about lifting, but I need to take care of myself and exercise during the weekend.

Today, somebody threw a water bottle at me and it hit the computer. No idea why they did that, but it could be that I was missing too many boxes and they were having to do the work that I missed. haha. Yeah, today wasn't a good day for scanning. At least they didn't throw a box at me. A water bottle doesn't hurt that much.

I'm finding that I have a long way to go in terms of improvment, but I know that I'll get better over time. My bosses tell me that I'm doing a good job, but I'm thinking, this is pretty mediocre for the job that I'm doing. I haven't gotten it down right and I'm missing a lot. But still, I guess I'm getting enough for my level. So I guess I'm doing a good job, but I still could do a lot better.

In other news, I'm thinking that I need to find another job in about 6 months. The pay is okay for now, but as time passes, I'm going to need to find something that gives me more hours. I haven't been studying Japanese and I'm thinking that I might give that up. If I really want to do something, then I'd do it. But it seems like I'm not really enjoying Japanese. We'll see though. I still don't know what I want to do. Maybe I should take an offer that one of my contacts gave me. Japan...is it time to go back?

Day 3

Today was a little tougher. I was more tired and I didn't move as fast. I saw the HR guy at work today. Don't know why he was there if all we do is talk to our supervisors about new jobs. But I guess he was there to post them or something. Anyway, he told me that he heard that I was doing good work. If you saw me today, you would see a more frustrated Jon. The labels are starting to stick to my hand a lot more. I think that it's because my hands are feeling rougher from working bare handed.

Anyway, I worked another 4 hours. It seems like things aren't so bad right now in terms of how many packages we have, but I think that when the holiday season comes, it will be tougher and more hectic. Since I'm new to the job, I guess I have a little slack right now, but we'll see.

I talked to two guys after work. They seem like pretty cool guys. They told me a little about the place that we work in. Apparently there are some people who are kind of scary. I noticed that people would be yelling at nothing for some reason. They told me that one guy went to Vietnam and that's why he's kind of angry.

The two guys have been working there for awhile now and I don't know why they're still there. They must have been doing the same jobs for all that time. One of them wants to be a screenwriter, so that's why he takes this job. The other, I don't know.

Anyway, we talked about various things. They asked me about my University and I told them some details. When one asked me about English classes, I told him that I took two. One of a basic class, the other was reading literature for enjoyment. What I didn't tell him was that you don't know the material when you sign up for class. All you know is the teacher's name if given. Sometimes they don't have a teacher. But yeah, I went into too many details. The teacher for my reading class is gay and talking about the material got them uncomfortable. They asked if I was a homo. And of course, I am not gay.

But yeah, I don't think that I'll ever mention that class again. When you talk about stuff, it sounds like you have an interest in that type of thing. Maybe the story I told them about people being disgusted over a video that the teacher showed made them think that I was interested in that. I was more interested in seeing people leave and walk out of the class. The video didn't show anything graphic, but it was just not good. It was actually pretty bad. Don't ever watch "Looking for Langston." Langston Hughes was gay. Anyway, half the class stayed for the discussion afterwards. We had no idea that the video was going to show that stuff, but that was his whole point for teaching the class. That the Harlem renaissance had a lot of gay writers.

Just to clairfy things, I don't watch that stuff and I don't like that stuff.

The conversation ended abruptly and I think that I will be keeping my distance for awhile. The reason being that I don't know if they think that I am one. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't let this bother me and just continue to talk to them.

But yeah, I think that I probably won't make too many friends at the workplace. How the heck am I supposed to be a light for Jesus when I can't even have a good conversation? Mostly it is my bads. But I wonder, am I there for a reason? Or should I be seeking other work? I think for right now, I need to practice Japanese. I don't want to be stuck at a dead end job for 4 years before I can get a promotion. But then again, I don't know if this is where God wants me for now. Maybe I'm there for a reason.

Day 2

If any of you were praying for me, thank you for your prayers. I know that some were praying for me and probably will never read this blog. But yeah, I really think that this job is a good thing, and today went a lot better than the first day.

I got to work at 3am to watch a training video. I apparently didn't pay attention when the instructor was explaining some key things. She went over that in 30 seconds, and I was too busy playing with the device that she set before us. She demonstrated how to use it before giving it to us, but when she gave it to us, I played with it and passed it down. So the three of us now know how to use it, but I messed up in listening.

Anyway, I will get paid for the day before. I got clocked in and my status is now active. I'm not sure exactly what they going to do with that test that I took. But I figure they'll probably just explain it again if I didn't do so well. It was 7 questions, check yes or no.

Today went a lot better. The supervisor showed me how to scan a lot faster than I had been, so there was less stress. Plus I am allowed to stop the conveyor belt if I need to.

The people there are great. I must say that this is the best part of working there. Earlier, however, I saw one of the two guys that I met yesterday sitting outside smoking a cigarette. He was sitting with some other guys who were smoking too. For some reason, I'm wary of talking to new people, so I hung around for a little bit, and walked inside. The guy that I knew said hi to me as he walked in, but it was with a face of uncertainty. I don't know what that meant, but maybe it was nothing.

Anyway, I think that if I try to care for the people there and become friends, then things will work out. But if people hate my guts, then I guess I just need to try to not let it bother me and to try to treat them well regardless of what people think of me.

Anyway, I think things are going well. I am glad that I have this job. I have to learn how to keep my mouth shut, because I think that I'm going to get in trouble if I say too much. I talked about my education, and I think that I came across as this job was the only job that I could get, even though I have this high education. I really like this job. Today was good, and I think that I might sound like I think better of myself than the other guys, which is not true. The other guys are harder workers than me, and I know that they will do well in life.

Anyway, the guys at my work are hard workers, and I know that they will advance in the company or do well elsewhere. Education doesn't make anybody better than another who doesn't have education. People are people regardless of where they come from or what they've experienced.

Yeah, enough about this. But yeah, I feel like I'm lecturing. Anyway, I guess I need to remember this when I meet guys at the company again. People have good points and bad points. We're all human beings.

The reason why I get afraid of new people is that I think that I've been inside of a bubble for too long. Plus I had this scary experience my sophmore year and it still resonates within me. But I guess I need to stretch a little day by day. I've stopped taking chances for a long time, and I've received nothing for taking no risks.

Anyway, I hope that I can be friends with the guys at my work. The people that I've met so far are great. I need to overcome my fears and just talk with the people that I don't know.

Japan train derailment

I'm sure that you've heard about this on the regular news by now, but MSN has some details that were not stated before. With my new sleep schedule, I didn't catch the evening news, so I don't know if there are any different details from that.

You can find the article here.

I found that scary that this happened. It's like one of the crowded buses over here where there's a lot of people standing in the aisle, running into an apartment building or oncoming traffic. I can't imagine what the driver must be feeling right now, but I can only hope that he'll be forgiven and forgive himself. I don't know if it's his fault, but I only hope that it's not.

Day 1 at the new job

I went to sleep after I finished eating lunch with my friends from church. I left at 2:30-3pm and got home at 3:45. Trying to sleep during the day was pretty tough. I would wake up every 2-3 hours until it was 9pm (when it finally got dark). Then I was able to fall asleep much deeper after that. My dad woke me up at 12:30. He stayed up an hour extra so that I would get a little more sleep before he woke me up to stay up. (Thank you Dad.)

I wasn't tired, but the quietness of the night made me want to go back to sleep. I ate my dinner before I went to work and left at around 2:30.

There were no cars on the road. There were, however, two trucks in front of me that stopped in front of every light to read the road sign. But it's all good, I got there on time. The parking lot was full, and I parked in another warehouse's parking lot. I guess being there 15 minutes early doesn't help, because everyone gets there earlier.

Met two guys there. They were pretty nice to me. I was nervous starting my first day of work and they told me that this is easy stuff. Mindless work. I wasn't sure what to expect lifting heavy boxes.

I get inside and don't know what to do. Someone in a nice shirt and slacks asks me my name and tells me to stay right there. Then someone else in a uniform helps me through the shift.

I basically started scanning all the items on the conveyor belt. I made some mistakes and sometimes I scanned them twice and I got off track by one, but hopefully I'll get better and not make that mistake again. If you mess up on the label, then the package goes to the wrong place. It's divided into sections where you send the package, and people from each section go to certain places from those sections.

Anyway, the morning update guy said that this was supposed to be the easiest day of the year. I can't imagine what the other days are like if it's this tough for me now. But hopefully I'll get the hang of it.

The guys at work are all professional. Harassment of any kind is not tolerated and everyone keeps their mouth shut and works hard.

I'd say that this is a good company to work for, but I can't imagine doing this for more than one year. I said that I'd stay for one year, and I wonder if I might be let go earlier if I make too many mistakes. But I guess I shouldn't focus on the negative, but learn from that and work for the positive. I did some good work today, but I messed up in some areas. I felt like a third wheel sometimes, but nobody said anything. I guess they understand that it's my first day.

Overall, it was a positive experience. We'll see how the rest of the days go by. I will get to the lifting sometime, but apparently, I'm going to learn how to scan first. Crazy fast stuff, but I guess that's how you make money.

I'm not sure if I'm going to get paid for today. I didn't have a code to enter my hours in, so I'm not sure what to expect. I might not get paid. But we'll see. They might understand if I tell them.

I got a call yesterday about work. Apparently I'm going to start work at 3am. This is going to be the first time that I've ever done any job at night. I don't know how I'm going to be feeling on the first day, but I think that it's best if I go to sleep at 4pm and wake up at 12am. That or stay up the whole night and go to sleep starting at 8am or 10am. What really conflicts with this timing is church. I can't be asleep again during church, so I'm thinking that I should go to sleep soon after church ends.

Maybe I'll actually have my chance to be a nightowl.

This Monday, I'm going to be starting the graveyard shift. It seems pretty straightforward. Pick up boxes and move them to the conveyor belt, or stack them onto a cart without crushing the smaller ones. I still have not received a phone call from my HR person, so since I have his number, I'm going to give him a call on Friday. I can imagine not getting a call and wondering what time I should be at work in the early morning.

This is a new milestone for me. My first job after college. Not glamorous, but not where I want to be. I really don't know where I want to go in my life. I have no direction, and I don't know what I want to do. Japan??

To be honest, I really don't have a love for Japan anymore. Probably because I haven't been there for a long time or even spent that much time with my Japanese friends. I still haven't decided whether or not I want to go back to Japan. I could make up all the excuses for my mediocre Japanese, but I know that that's no excuse for not going. Ah...enough about this...I have my reasons for not going right now.

Staying with this company might be an option.

Plans for the rest of this month:

-Read the Bible and pray everyday
-Read Japanese newspapers to see what's going on in Japan
-Watch anime and old Japanese dramas
-get my money's worth out of my video games haha
-be a better friend

Suikoden III

(Note to all you out there in blogger land, this is another video game post)

I played Suikoden III until 2am last night. I must admit that it was shorter than I expected, but still a great game. Not too deep though...

Anyway, it revolves around 3 characters. Hugo from a tribal grassland clan, Chris (a lady knight from the city Vinay de Zexay), and Geddoe (a mercenary from Holy Harmonia.) The beginning is interesting as you get to see the story from three perspectives. Something is added in each one that is not seen in the others. Basically it's told from each character's perspective. Hence, the trinity sight system (playing each of the three characters in basically the same events.) It is interesting because in life, you usually see things from your own point of view and don't bother to see things from the other side. I found that this game shows the humanity in the characters, even though they are at war with each other.

It may be unrealistic, but all the characters, with the exception for the enemies, are decent people. The enemies are not so twisted and you can understand why they would be doing this in the end. But there is that weird twist that comes out of nowhere though. But this game goes with my belief that all people have worth and some people need more help than others, and sometimes people don't want your help and you can't do very much to help them. But we're all human and we could just as easily be in someone else's shoes just as easily as they would be in ours. However, we would not make the same choices as others though.

I can see why the game ended like it did, because in a world without God with eternal life, it would be empty and maybe maddening. But it was interesting to see another viewpoint on the universe and people's beliefs.

Anyway, it was interesting. I found out how to play the game more effectively in the end, which came really quick. The game lasted 56 hours on my clock. Yeah, if only I put that much effort into Japanese. haha. I got this game not too long ago...about 3 weeks ago. Really good game, but still has flaws.

It is worth checking out if you are a fan of the Suikoden series. The game will challenge you throughout the game, but it is still not that tough if you put in your strongest characters. Building your castle, gaining characters, and building skills are probably the best parts of the game. The major battles are okay, and the duels are not that tough to figure out. Probably the worst part of the game, for me, is just travelling to all the different places by foot. I didn't get the teleporter person until the last chapter of the game...chapter 5 or 6. Yeah, I would have gotten her earlier if I knew it would be this short. But this game does add variety, while not very deep, keeps one's interest in the game.

I'd give this an 8 out of 10. 10 being the best.

I am NOT liking this

One thing about me is that I have been a loner for 21 years of my life. My time in college was the only time where I actually hung out with people. Also, my senior year of high school, I did stuff with two other friends, who don't answer my emails anymore. But it's all good. People move on, and sometimes people are friends on the way.

This may not be a big thing to a whole lot of people, but to me, it's intimidating. What am I talking about? Asking for people's contact information and getting back to them about any job leads they might have.

I am taking a class at my church called "Dependable Strengths." It is a class that helps you to find out more about your strengths and what you like to do in terms of a job. It has been helpful to some people who have jobs already and don't like their job. They see where they're strong at and what they enjoy doing, but aren't doing it in the job. It's an interesting class that started in the 40s.

So...I have this script where I am supposed to go up to someone and eventually ask for their contact information. I am also supposed to push my job interests by asking them if I can contact them from time to time to see if they have any job leads for me. It may be alright in American culture, but to me, this seems like I'm pushing the people who probably are reluctant to give me any information. Annoyed is how I'd feel if someone were to ask me these questions.

But this script has worked and people have found jobs, including the teachers of the class. I have one contact from church, Amy N, and I'm supposed to find two more.

I feel like I'm NOT a people person. I feel uncomfortable around people, and I'd prefer to spend my life in a cave if it had internet, enough food, and a video game system. But I do enjoy people's presence and I try to be nice to them. One of my dependable strengths seems to be that I AM a people person and that I enjoy being around people. All the activities that I listed where I did something actively, did it well, and enjoyed, involved people.

But one thing that I've learned is, the unknown is unpredictable. If you never take any risks, you'll never experience anything good. Risks are risks, because you have a good chance of receiving nothing from them. But when you do take risks, your percentage of something good happening goes up. There is always the chance of something bad happening, and you should be aware of those things. Sometimes there are stupid risks and it's best not to take them. Ie jumping off a bridge or racing on the freeway.

Anyway, the Dependable Strengths class is a class, and I'm not enjoying it, because I am not good at these types of things. But it's a risk and there are benefits if I accomplish something.

I found that throughout most of my life, I have been forced to do things that I didn't want to do. They have been good for me though and I have grown to like some of them. I guess 21 years of being alone (exception family) has been the easy thing to do and I was not forced to do that. All things that have worth while easy to some, are not easy for everyone. There comes a time when you've got to step up to the plate and swing.

I guess if I want worthwhile things in my life, I've got to take chances again. This class may push my social boundaries, but I think that it will be good for me to gauge how people react to these things. Even if they don't give me anything, I will have the experience of trying to do something worthwhile. Is it better to never try anything new and gain the experience? Or is it better to try something new, fail, and get back up and try again? Expect nothing, give your best.

A and J's birthday

I RSVPed at the very last possible minute. I asked after the deadline. Yeah, that's not good...

I wasn't sure if I should go or not, because I was taking care of the house all by myself, and would have to walk the dog at night if my parents didn't get home in time. I talked with my parents on Saturday night, and found out when they were coming back, so it wasn't a problem...but I had so many things to do on Saturday that I forgot about RSPVing. Plus I was dead tired from waking up so early to go to a class. Man, I hate 9 hour classes...yeah, it lasted 9 hours.

Even though it did cause some tension, it was no problem in the end. The place only allowed us 16 people, and 22 were going to show up. However, only 16 showed up at the beginning and one or two showed up later, but didn't eat. I'm not sure why only 16 showed up. It could be that people just had other things to do.

A and J went to the same schools as I did, but they were one year ahead of me, so I never got to know them until college. When I did reach college and got to know them, they were so nice to me and encouraged me a lot throughout college. I can't say how much they've helped me, but they helped me a lot as well as a lot of other people that they've met. If you ask anyone about them, they'll have nothing but good things to say about A and J. They truly are great individuals.

I know that they will touch many more lives on the road ahead.

I don't know why my friends are friend with me. But I know one thing, I have to start caring again and be a better friend.

At A and J's birthday dinner, I was glad to be alive and with the old crowd again. Things change after college, and things you take for granted become much harder afterwards. All I know is life is what you make out of it. It may throw some pitches that bean you, but how you react makes a big difference. Do you walk onto first base, or do you charge the mound? Things after college are different, but it depends on your choices that make the difference.

I wonder if I'll ever change...

Friday...

I received no phone call on Thursday for where or what time on Friday I was supposed to meet the HR person to sign papers to finalize my employment. It was Friday morning and the phone rang. I got out of my bed and went to pick it up. It was my brother. He called to check on me to see if I was up and if I was going to go to the company to sign the papers. Tired, I said yes, and I'll go sometime this afternoon. I was kind of grumpy being woke up, but now I'm thankful that he did call me.

I drove over to the company at around 11:30 and got there at 11:55. I asked to meet with so and so, and the lady says, "Who?" The person that interviewed me on Wednesday at this place... "HR...darn we don't have their number." She picks up the phone and calls someone and asks for the phone number for HR. I wait 10-20 minutes before they get back to her.

They ask me for a phone number at which they can call me. I gave my cell phone number...thank God that I have one. They would get back to me sometime later in the day. I go out, and get in the car, and was about to pull out into the road when my cell phone goes off.

I get the number for HR and I pull back into the parking lot again. Call, then I am told that I was supposed to be at a place 15 minutes from there. No idea where it is, and no idea how to get there. He told me that I could get directions from the people at the desk at the office that I was currently at.

Go back into the office, there's now a big line. But the lady is nice and is helpful and gives me a map when I get to the front. Okay, so I drive.

My jaw was clenching...I was upset that the HR person didn't tell me what time or where I was supposed to meet him before, but the 15-20 minutes gave me time to cool off. He told me to call him when I got there, so he could tell me how to get in the building.

I get there, and call...no answer. He's at lunch! Darn... was my first thought. It was about that time, anger starting to rise again, I get out of the car and walk my dog. Yeah, I brought my dog with me on the car, because I thought that I would just be signing some papers and then out and about. My dog takes about a 10 minute walk in the parking lot and wants to get closer to some sheep and a Llama across the street...but it's just not good for this type of dog to get close to farm animals, as seen on the news when some other dog of this breed mauled some sheep and was put to death.

Anyway, I get my dog back on the car, because it was raining outside. I call again not expecting any answer, but it was picked up right away. He told me how to get in...so I go.

Passing conveyor belts and wide open spaces, then finally, past the bathrooms, his office. It was like a big calling room with a long big table and dividers dividing each section of the table. He was the only one in there. I sign the papers and before I leave, and tell him thank you for getting me a job and for being patient with me. I said that it was probably his lunch break..."it is" he said. I appreciate that you met me during this time. We parted and went our own ways.

Here I was angry at him before, and I realize at the end, that he was doing me a favor by waiting for me during lunch. He didn't call me, true, but he did offer me a job, and that's more than any other employers have done in these past few months. I'm not the best at words, and I guess for this job, you don't have to be. But he still treated me like I was worth something and worked in my best interests in the interview, changing some stuff that I had put down. Other employers didn't seem to be interested.

Granted this is not the best job in the world, and I don't see myself doing this forever, but I need to start somewhere until I figure out what I want to do. I don't know what I want to do, but what I know is that I have a job. The direction I take depends on what I choose to do and where God leads me. I don't know what's going to happen in the future, but I want to do something constructive with my time.

Almost in the bag

I went to the interview today. It wasn't much of an interview. It seemed more like, "Are you willing to do this job even though it requires you to lift boxes that can weigh up to 70 lbs?" Well...all I can say is, I don't know the future, and this might lead to something big. Who knows...haha. Yeah, I've got to keep on practicing my Japanese.

I just have to go in one more time and present my Social Security card. If the background checks they do on me work out fine, then I'll have a job this coming Monday. However, it's the graveyard shift. bwahahaha. Yeah, no more playing video games late for me.

Well, all I can say is that I'm thankful that I found a job. Even though it may not be the greatest job, it's a start. I might stay with this company, but I might not. I don't know what's going to happen in the future.

Since it's a manual labor job, I worked out for a little bit today. It was a very small workout, where I just ran for 15 minutes and did some curls with a 20 lbs dumbell. I will do more tomorrow, because I'm expecting this job to be really tough. I'm not a kid anymore, and I've slacked off in college in terms of my physical health. So the next few days are going to be important.

My prayer was answered in terms of my job situation. I prayed for a job to fill in space for now until I find out what I want to do. This job that I could get is perfect, because it will give me enough time to do what I want to do for most of the day, and I'll earn some money on the side. It's a part time job, so I'll be lucky if I get 20 hours a week. But then again, less than 20 hours a week might be preferable. haha

Anyway, if you know me, you probably won't see me that often anymore. I'll have to go to sleep early, and the times that I will be up, you'll be asleep, or working. When you get off work, then I'll probably eat and go to sleep. Hmm...

Well...at least I have Sunday off.

I can't imagine what will come out of this job, but it's an answer to my prayer, and I'm thankful. My situation demands certain things for a job, and it will be fulfilled if I am accepted for this position.

All I can say is, thank you God.

Answered Prayer

I was feeling kind of bad yesterday. I missed church again...Oh well...I'll go next week...hopefully.

Anyway, I can honestly say that there have been things going on in my life. Problems, issues, but good things too.

Yesterday I was just honest about what I was going through. And I received an answer to a prayer. It may not be the greatest job, but I applied to it and I'll be going to an interview soon. Well...hopefully things will work out with this interview.

It's a manual labor job, but hey, it's a good job. I think that this will be a good thing for me. I'll have to work fast and hard like I did on the farm, but I'm sure that this will be much harder. Well...gotta start somewhere. And I am a good worker and I'm sure that I'll advance. That is if I make a good impression at the interview. hehe

Okay, maybe I was a little too cynical in my last post. I know that all doctors aren't out for themselves. People sometimes do a profession to help people and make money at the same time.

I also know that politicians are elected by the people. Politicians are pressured by the people and follow so that they can get re-elected. So in a sense, it is the people who elect the official. However, sometimes people don't know what the official actually does.

All I can say is, I don't know too much about what officials do except from what my dad tells me from reading two newspapers. Politicians could be just playing a game in their profession. And I know that sometimes the best people don't get elected. I mean, if you look at the voter's pamphlet and other things on people's websites about who they are and what they do...it doesn't tell you that much. It's up to the voters to find this information on their own I guess...yeah, like anybody has time to do that...besides those who really want to make things the way they want them.

Anyway, enough about this...

There are better times ahead

I have hope that things will be better in the future. But I know that it won't come unless I make good choices, with my time and my money. I'm not necessarily talking about a job, but just my whole life. I know that life is what I make of it. It isn't always going to treat me well, but there are some things worth living for.

I've spent most of my life feeling like people are picking on me. They might not have been picking me, but then again, they may have been. What does it matter though? Does it matter what other people think of me? To that I say, to some degree yes, because it gives you feedback. But to some degree no, because people don't always see the truth. So to me, I try not to feel bad about how people treat me. I know that I am worth a lot more than people may think I am worth.

People have lots of potential to become great things. The choices that you make will lead you down different paths than others. Sometimes certain choices do not matter that much. But sometimes, certain choices do.

I've made some bad choices in my life and what I was thinking last night is, I'm going to have to make decisions each day about if I'm going to do and not do. It's not necessarily a big thing for other people, but to me, it involves how I'm going to treat others. I have to make this choice each day, because I'm fighting a battle that I've started a long time ago.

Anyway, all I can say is, I'm thankful for my friends who have helped me along the way at AACF. I'm also thankful for knowing God who can sympathize with my weakness. In Him, I have changed. But still, there are lots of me that have not changed. I'm hoping that I can become a better person through Him and treat people the same way I'd want to be treated.

Anyway, don't think that I'm some great person, because if you met me, you'd probably think that I am not. Though small, the things that I have written are my hopes for now. People sometimes don't see the worth in another person. But sometimes it is that the person doesn't see worth in him or herself. If you don't see worth in yourself, then what makes you think that other people will? Sometimes they will be able to see beyond the facade, but given human nature...it may be hard. See the worth in yourself and work to become a better person by making better choices. That's what I'm trying to do.

Another Scam by Politicians

I saw this piece of news last night on ABC news. You can read it here. Apparently money talks more than skills or honor.

You can even google the phrase Physician of the year. I must admit that I probably never will trust politicians. I don't think that they care for anybody but themselves and getting re-elected.

Then I think, with my recent experiences with doctors...people become doctors for

1. status
2. money
3. (some, not all) to help people

Yeah, I'm cynical...but I know that not everyone is out there to help the other person. A lot of times, people can become sharks and eat up others...the weak, elderly, disabled, and whoever they can take advantage of. I'm not necessarliy talking about doctors here.

I guess in a fallen world...these things happen. No sense in complaining about it more. It won't help. I'm not saying that everyone is out to get you. But sometimes, there are people out there who will take advantage of you if you're not careful and shrewd. All I can say is, don't let the evil of this world corrupt you too.

The saying goes, "If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do the same thing?" Thinking independently, when it goes against everyone else, is not easy at all. And I have trouble with that. But I'm still trying.

Anyway, I just meant this post to alert you to this scam.

Saw a little bit of "A Bronx Tale" last night on TV. Set in the Bronx in the 1960s. Inter racial dating (white guy, black girl)...blah blah blah.

Interesting movie though. Of course there is tension in the races, but the main character doesn't hate Blacks. It's kind of interesting. A ganster guy looks after the kid telling him not to do what he does. The kid's father tells the kid to stay away from the ganster...I liked this movie. Robert De Niro directed this movie and actually acted as the kid's father.

There were interesting characters to see in this movie. The main character wraps up the movie in the end with the lessons that he's learned from the events that happened. He narrates as he goes along. The imagery is pretty good.

I only caught the latter part of the movie...but it really was an interesting movie. I'm definitely going to have to catch it again.

I'm an Uncle

My sister had a baby not too long ago. My one and only sister. The only other person that is married in my siblings is my oldest brother and they have no kids yet.

My sister seemed pretty happy in the pictures that she sent my dad. I can imagine the joy that her and her husband have over this new child.

My mom left on a jet plane to visit my sister, brother in law, and baby. Then my dad will leave not too long after. They didn't leave together for my sake. When my dad leaves, I'm going to have to take care of my dog by myself. Taking care of a dog is a lot of work. Especially as they get older. But it shouldn't be that bad...I have no job right now and don't have to worry about getting up early and hurrying home after work to take care of his business. My dog is really a handful...I can't imagine how much tougher it is to take care of a baby. Feeding the baby every three hours, even through the night. oh man...I don't know how my parents did that with 5 kids.

I am glad that my sister had their baby with no problems. I can't believe that I'm an Uncle. I guess I'm ready to be an Uncle moreso than a Father or husband. Some of my cousins were Aunts at 14 years of age. My Uncle and Aunt also have a big family and their children had kids at an early age, so that's why. Anyway, I wonder if he'll like me...I'm sure if I treat him how I'd like to be treated, then there will be no problems.

All I want to say is, kids are great. But they have to be raised well. As in, treated well, positive self image, and good view of other people. Also, discipline, which is not my job, but my sister's and brother in law's. I'm sure that their kid will become a great person. I think that they have good values, and they'll teach them to their kid.

I hope that I can instill some good values in him...

(Note, this post is only meant to catch up on some things. It's kind of boring...but I thought that I'd write it just so that I have a record)

Things that have happened since...

Since my recent post, I've found that I have given into my temptations. I've been playing video games. I'm thinking that I probably won't get another chance to play these for awhile, so I'm making use of the time I have right now.

Dreaming...

I woke up in a cold sweat. I was having a nightmare of what I feared would happen if I went to Japan. I guess I can't help what other people might think of me, but then again, I can help what I think of myself. My dream was that people didn't respect me and thought that I was stupid and actually said so to my face. Given my experiences with some teachers, I can say that if you don't prepare well, then you'll probably get students who will not be paying attention. Also, students who are thinkers will ask hard questions about the topics that you will be presenting on.

I have these thoughts that Japan is going to be a bad experience if I go. I fear that I become worse after going because of my experiences. I'm sure that that will be untrue. But there is uncertainty as to how things will go if I do go.

I know from experience, that I've degraded in some ways. I've degraded a lot personally these past few years. But it's nobody's fault. I just stopped working on myself, and when that happens, things tend to become worse.

Friday fellowship

I went to a Jewish Synagogue or Temple on Friday. I didn't even know that there were places where Jewish people met. I parked around the temple. There was an off duty police officer there standing outside.

From what it seemed like, there were not that many young people there. It was mainly middle aged to elderly people. That place that had no young people, so it might be only that place and not others...I don't know. But it was an interesting place.

I don't know too much about Jewish customs, but the Rabbi and Rabbi's in training were welcoming to us and we were allowed to stay there and observe their worship style. It reminded me a lot of hymns, but actually a lot more joyful than hymns. Maybe it was that they were singing in Hebrew.

Apparently meeting on Friday was a preparation for the Sabbath. Sunset to Sunset...interesting.

Sin City

I went to see a movie over the weekend. I came out of it feeling disturbed and more cynical.


I personally didn't like this movie. It was really graphic and I didn't care too much for the content either. It was kind of disturbing in my opinion. But I guess in a place called "Sin City" it would have to be. Anyway, there were good guys and bad guys of course. Then there was the dames...and so on...

Anyway, it seemed like it was set in this alternate world in a 1950s type setting. Themes from America like corrupt politicians and corrupt clergy...aka people of power (even though there is separation of church and state). I won't spoil the movie for those of you who want to see it...but I personally didn't like this movie.

People in the audience were laughing in some scenes that were kind of brutal. Good guy does something to pay back the bad guy, people laugh, and bad guy pays for it in pain. The bad guys are really sick and evil in this movie. I couldn't imagine that things would be that bad in real life, but hey, you'll never know.

I will stay away from titles that have horrible names from now on. It just made me sick. I'm not condemning the movie...but as one of my friends said...actually seeing those things in live action was just really too much.

Anyway, I wouldn't recommend this movie to young kids, but I find that this kind of material would be far from entertainment in my opinion. This is from a guy who can't take playing Diablo by Blizzard though.

I've got to pray more...

I used to think that once I got out of school, my life would be so much better. Now that I am out of school, I don't miss the schoolwork, but I miss the people. I can see why retired guys go to the mall to hang out. They want to be in the atmosphere where there are other people around.

As a kid, I used to hate being around people. I was never good at talking to others, and I'm still not good at that. I used to want to just do a job, play games, and go to sleep. Now, I have no job, I play games, and can repeat the same thing as many times as I want to.

It's kind of boring sometimes...I guess I need to find something to do that's more constructive. hehe.

It's kind of weird, you could have all that you want in this world and not be happy. Post College life is a lot different than college life.

Anyway, I'm just thinking right now...

Well...I'm going to make some plans and stick to them. Life is what you make out of it. Yeah, bad things do come, and there are a lot of things that we can't control, like deaths or illnesses, bad luck, etc. But we are not helpless and we do have some power over our own lives.

A famous golfer in Canada who is like Jack Nicklaus here, Mo Norman, really had a good philosophy for life.

My dad was watching the tapes that he bought of Mo Norman giving advice about how to be a great golfer. It was not only true for golf, but also true for life. He took ideas from psychology. One of them was that people tend to beat themselves down when they hit a bad shot. It goes into the trees or water and they say, eg. 'Why am I such a bad golfer?' People hinder themselves from doing better or learning from that shot and moving on.

Mo Norman said, "People don't realize that your brain is a money maker." "People use only 10% of their brain...what do they do with the rest of it?"

He was a great golfer and he got there by practicing religiously. He swung in an unconventional way with heavy clubs that golfers don't normally use. But he had his own reasons for using this method. He based it upon the model of a hammer and a nail. When the carpenter swings the hammer, they don't bring it behind their head, they bring it only so far away and swing so they can hit it accurately. In the same way, instead of making lighter clubs that he could swing faster, he made heavier clubs like a hammer and swung back only as far was he felt comfortable enough to hit the ball accurately. But he always hit the fairway. He was strong enough to do this...he was a huge guy. But the main point was that he always practiced day in and day out so that he got things down cold.

I guess why I'm writing this is that I know what I have to do to get somewhere. I know how to get there and I know that I can do this. I'm just wondering...do I really want to put in this much effort?

From one of my Japanese teachers, I've seen that preparation and hard work DO pay off. He was the best Japanese teacher I ever had. Plus he is also a great human being. One does not become this by accident.

Hmm...okay, I've made my decision. Now I've got to stick to it!

Earthquake in Indonesia

If you haven't heard, there was an earthquake in Indonesia. You can find the article here. The magnitude is pretty high in this earthquake...

Thank goodness that no tsunamis came because of this. Hopefully there will be no more deaths.

With a whole lot of natural disasters that have come up in the last 5-6 years, I'm wondering how much more will come. I'm sure a lot more will come and in a short time. Well...never hurts to prepare for things.

Man, all we are are little ants on this planet. We cannot control things like this.

Easter has come and I'm reflecting about my past year

Good Friday service was pretty solemn. It was a reminder that Jesus was crucified on that day (Friday) and that it seemed like the world had ended. People expected the Messiah to be a political leader who would redeem Israel from the Romans. Apparently God had a different plan than man.

Anyway, some things came up and I'd rather not share what's going on. But lets say that there are some things that I need to work on and some things in the past that I still need to resolve. I have issues and I need to work on them.

Good Friday and Easter was a time for me to remember why I follow God in the first place. I think that I took my faith for granted these past two years. And I'm finding that I need to just get back into some good habits.

The drama on Easter Sunday was about a person carrying a lot of baggage with them. Pain, regret, guilt, and worrying. Plus this person didn't have a job either and was still waiting on God to get back to her. It was almost like it was talking to me...but yeah, the message was that a person was having all these things, and was doubting as to whether or not to let God have them. She wanted to pick them back up and carry them with her. But in the end, she left them with God for now and it ended with a fade to black. Someone sang a song about praying and getting back to God during the drama. It was a pretty serious drama, but really awesome. I really need to let God have things in my life and let Him have His way in my life. But then again, I really don't want to. I'd rather hang on to control of my own life.

More than being entertained, I need to make choices as to what I'm going to do with my days. Everyday, I have choices to make.

I look at some of my friends who are doing well. I shouldn't compare myself to them, but I can learn from them. I didn't pass the Proficiency test, but two of my friends probably did. Why? They put in the consistent effort to learn. They have the skills, I don't. If I want something, then I have to put in the time to actually learn something. It may not come as easily, but then again, some people are naturally better at some things, and some people will have to work harder to reach a certain level.

Anyway, God's plans are different from mine. I don't know where I'm heading to. But I know that there is a direction that I will go. I wonder if I become homeless, what will I do? I think that choices are really important. What you do with your time determines a lot. Also, how you react to things too. Will you react in jealousy? Or will you be happy for those who receive good things? Maybe this is a lesson that I'm supposed to learn...

There's nothing here...

Well, yesterday I showed some people around my hood. Brought them to a Hawaiian restaurant and took them to the nearest outlet mall. Really, I haven' t been to the Hawaiian restaurant ever and have NOT been to the mall for a long time, so I wasn't sure what to expect. But I remember why I never go to that mall anymore. It is way too expensive, plus they don't have very good stores there either.

The Hawaiian restaurant near my neighborhood is not too bad. I should have not gotten the Chicken Katsu and should have probably gotten something else. However, the fries were deep fried and were really good.

Anyway, I told my friend to come down to the shopping district by bus. Then I take them to my neighborhood and then go to the outlet mall close by. Probably the shopping district would have been a better place to shop. heh. Oh well.

We come back to my house and play Star Wars Epic Duels. Then we go back to the shopping district and stop by Costco. From there, I drive one of my friends back up to where he lives and the other friend meets someone else in the shopping district.

Anyway, I've come to realize that there's not too much around my neighborhood. Everyone goes to the big city to do something. Well, I think that this is the last time I do this. There's nothing here that people would want to travel for.

I suggested some other stores, but they have those near the University.

Maybe there's a chance for an interview

I got an email yesterday also. It was from the game testing company that I applied to. Apparently they have some openings, but I'm thinking that this is going to be really tough to get. Plus I might not even get the interview. Also, I'm not sure if I can stomach this game that they're planning to come out with. We'll see though. I might get used to it if I play it long enough. But then again, I used to get sick from those old games that were similar.

I watched some of my friends play Rainbow Six on XBOX live and the video games now do not cause as much motion sickenss. Wolfinstein 3d, the first version, really made me sick. Doom came out and it wasn't so bad, but it ruined my computer. Doom had a flaw that kept on writing and writing so if you played it long enough, then it would ruin your hard drive if you didn't delete it after so many times of playing it. Then I stopped playing First person shooters.

I played Halo serveral times, and that wasn't so bad. I think that wearing my glasses helped a lot. I think not wearing my glasses is why I get motion sick when I play those types of games. Yeah, the testing is a first person shooter. Well, if Rainbow Six wasn't that bad, I'm hoping that this new one will not be so bad either.

Well, all I can do is hope that I can get an interview for this job. Then, hopefully they'll give me a job. We'll see though. I updated what I thought was great about one particular game and its flaws, so hopefully they'll notice that. I'm sure that they'll ask me if I get motion sick, but I'll see if I get the interview and when I test it, I'll see if I can do this.

Given how little experience I have with FPS, I don't expect to get this job. But we'll see.

Not Accepted...

I got my response back from the agency that I applied to. I received an email about 5 days ago saying that I did not score high enough on my test, so I would not be considered any further. I received the written statement a couple of days ago and they said that there were three parts to the test.

1. How likable you are when you first meet them (It didn't actually say that, but that's how I took it. heh)
2. the responses that you gave to hypothetical questions
3. The actual on the phone conversation questions at the interview

I guess maybe this is not where I'm supposed to be. I specifically prayed that if God wanted me to go on the mission, that he would make sure that I didn't get this job. However, when I think about this, I can honestly say that it was because of my lack of social and conversational skills that hurt me in this interview. I don't think that this is any real direction as to the mission, but I can't help but wonder, does God want me to go on this mission?

It's been way past the deadline for this mission thing, and I'm thinking that I really need to get a job or else I'm going to be in trouble. Not with my parents, but in terms of other circumstances.

Teaching in Japan comes to mind, but then I think, "if I can't relate to people right now, how will I be able to actually teach people that I meet?" I'm thinking that I'm going to postpone that for now and find a job here in the states before I actually apply.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my life, but I figure that I'd rather not get stuck in a dead-end job and feel obligated to stay there for the rest of my life. I'd feel obligated, because if someone invested in me, I'd have that sense of debt and loyalty to the company. However, I guess it's different in the US. You can move to different jobs if you get another. But then, if I get a job with a Japanese company in the US, then what? Maybe I'm worrying too much...plus I'm counting my chickens before they hatch...

Anyway, I still have no job and I'm wondering if I should just work at one of the places that hire high school students. I remember working at Office depot when I graduated High school. It was a great experience, because of the people that I worked with and how great the customers were. It was a great learning experience and I applied that to my first meetings with people in college. However, I forgot most of the skills that I learned after a year or two from the time that I quit. I can say that I got that job because of my experience going on an exchange to Japan. It's weird how things worked out.

I actually was asked to go on an exchange to Japan my Junior year of High school, for the Judo program. However, because of complications, I wasn't able to go. So I went my Senior year, which is not common, because you're expected to help the students back in your own high school. So my teachers made it up to me for not letting me go the previous year.

The thing that I learned from my experience in Japan was that

1. People are not so bad after all
2. Taking chances pays off even though you may be giving a lot, some people may respond

I took a lot of chances out of my comfort zone, and people responded to me. I was a very quiet kid (and still am) but I said what came to the top of my head and people received me well. Even though most people didn't respond as well as some did to me, the few that did really helped me to see that "not everyone is bad." I remember Japan fondly in my heart. However, I'm scared of going back, because I think that it would be ruined by a different experience that I'm imagining. All the things that I've learned makes me wonder if I'll be able to adjust to life in Japan. It's different going as someone who's not a guest. Or at least I think it is.

Anyway, with the recent earthquake in Japan a couple of days ago, and Mel writing on his Xanga that he experienced an earthquake in Japan a little awhile ago before this past one it makes me think that there might be a reason why I'm not in Japan right now. I don't know what purpose I'd have there, but for some reason, I don't think that it would be good for me to go right now.

Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm going to do for a job. Hopefully I'll be able to game test, but that seems unlikely as they did not interview me yet and probably won't. I guess I've just got to keep looking for jobs and actually go to church.

Missed Sunday

I made those resolutions Sunday, because I missed church and one of my friends is leaving for somewhere else. He was giving his testimony there and I missed it. Well...maybe I can ask him before he leaves.

Going to church is important, because you experience life in the body. It's not an easy thing to go to church sometimes, but going means that you get to hear a word and message, experience life in the body, serve in some capacity, and prepare for this week to do what you have learned.

Sometimes we go to church just to go and we don't understand what it means to follow God. Is that better than not going? I think that it's good to go, but following Christ is something you have to do daily and not only on Sundays.

I personally have been struggling to get to church, and I personally have not been following Christ as closely as I could be. Sundays are important to meet together with the rest of your fellow brothers and sisters and to encourage one another. I am going to make it a habit of getting up at 8 every morning. It didn't work yesterday, but today it worked. I just put on some warm clothes when I got up and it helped a lot.

Anyway, read G Chan's rant on March 16th about the Asian American Christian community in the NW. I agree with what he says. The thing that I ask myself is, what am I going to do about it? I think the first thing to do is pray. Then find some direction. Then do something when the time is right. I really don't have too many connections with that many people, but I'm thinking that there is some hope for the NW. I wonder if I'll actually participate, or if I'll slink away again.

Sunday Siestas...yeah, I need to go to church. I wonder exactly what is in store for the area where I live. There are problems yes, but I think that addressing them is the first step. It's not always received well, because sometimes we like to stay where we are...even if it's in sin. Don't get me wrong though...sometimes we change into things that are not good too. Anyway, it takes discernment. But yeah, I do agree that the state of the NW Asian American Christian community is not actually where it could be.

But yeah, I could write about it, but what am I going to do about it...I guess I have to start small and learn to care for the people again. I'm not saying that I'm going to do everything...but what I'm saying is that I can do something. (A little piece of wisdom that I picked up from one of my friends.)

You know it's getting serious when you start to miss something frequently. Okay, resolutions are made and I'm going to make it to church every Sunday for the rest of this year.

1. Go to sleep early and wake up every morning at 8am
2. pray and read the bible everyday
3. exercise regularly...need to do something at least everyday whether it be pushups, sit ups, or aerobic activity

I'm going to start on those right now

I broke my PS2...the story

(If you can't guess what this is about, it's about my game system called Playstation 2)

I bought a Japanese PS2 game a couple of days ago. To get the PS2 to play games from other regions, you need to either Mod your playstation, or use a boot disc to play those games. However, if you use a boot disc, you'll have to use the slide card to open up your DVD tray and insert the game after you've booted up the PS2 with the boot disc.

Okay, so I read off the internet how to use the slide card. First of all, you need to remove the faceplate for the DVD tray, so you can actually insert the slide card. Being the delicate instrument that the PS2 is, I broke the plastic clips that were holding the faceplate in. Also, you need to remember to take off the screw that's holding the clip. I did that before I broke the clips. Then I took off the faceplate and screwed the screw back in.

I then try to use the slide card...I'm not sure what went wrong, but I thought all you had to do was pull out the DVD tray with the slide card. Apparently, there is more to this than I thought. I pull out the DVD tray and expect tension as the website said. So I keep pulling, then I hear this grinding noise of plastic as I pull it out. Okay, so I push the Eject button to put the tray back in, and it only goes back in half way and comes back out to where I previously pulled it out.

This is not good. I pull the tray all the way out and I hear more grinding noises. I try the eject button again, still no luck. Then I push the tray all the way back into the slot and try again. Still no luck. My PS2 is useless like this.

So I ask my dad to help me. He breaks the seal of the PS2, so the warranty is now void, but fixing my PS2 is more important. Anyway, I tell my dad that there is the eject cord that is connected to the top of the case. He says okay, and then forgets about it. Anyway, the cord is pulled out, but it's no problem at the end, because he just reconnects it. in the switch. Apparently it is something that is not like a regular connector, but something that is clamped down by the weight of the system and screws holding the system together.

We unscrew a lot of screws and I'm not sure too much about this, but my dad gets it down to the dvd tray and unscrews the dvd tray. Underneath the tray is a track for the DVD to slide out. Also, how the DVD tray and lens seems to work is that when the tray goes out, then the lens sinks down. When the DVD tray goes in, the lens and holder come up so that it's holding the CD along with the top of the DVD player. Not a very good description, but lets say that it pinches the CD when it goes up so that it doesn't move when you're playing the DVD/CD.

Getting back to the track, the problem was that I pulled the tray off the track. It was "out of gear" according to my dad. When I tried to use the eject button earlier, the tray would catch the lens or clamp. When I tried to push it in, it had similar problems. The solution was to push the tray in all the way back and then pull it out without moving the gears and refit the track underneath the DVD tray to the white guide (a level with a notch that pushes the DVD tray along the track) in the right place. How it works is that the gears turn and the guide moves along the track so that the tray will always come out the same way. The gears also move the lens and holder down when you eject the tray, and up when you put it back in.

Anyway, my PS2 now works again. Thanks Dad for your help! I was afraid that I ruined my PS2 for good when I used the slide card. Well...now, I know never to use the slide card when I have no idea how to work it and how it actually works.

I bought a flip top case for my PS2 so I can use the boot disc without having to eject the tray. I am now waiting for it to come. I'm wondering if I should actually use that or just buy a Japanese PS2. Well...we'll see

[Re-Edit] I've changed the webpage that shows the slide card instructions. I tried the previous link a little while ago and it crashed my computer. Well, this one is actually a web page, so it won't be as bad. The link can be found here. If you still don't want to click on the link, just google slide card instructions

I've just realized how thankless of a person I've become

Every other Friday, a group of career people from our church gather together and talk about the sermon that we heard in church the previous Sunday. That is the starter for our fellowship. The conversations are good and it is really cool to see what everyone else thought of the message and how we can all learn from the insights.

Afterwards, we share what's going on in our lives and share prayer requests. It's nice to hear the good things in people's lives that God is doing. However, I've come to see that I'm just really not thankful for what I do have in my own life. I thought, "Why can't that happen to me?"

Why am I always feeling like I'm on the downside? I mean, I could be worse off than I am now. I've seen that the reason why my friends are doing so well is that they are turning to God and telling Him their fears, struggles, and needs. And then, God provides for them. Not saying that you'll get everything you want from God, but saying that He DOES answer prayers, because He loves the world.

I did feel a little envious, because I am wanting a job and good things to happen to me. But then again, good things are happening to me, even though I don't have a job, even though I can't say that I've noticed an answer to prayer. I'm sure that many are being answered, I'm just not paying attention.

And that's the thing. I just haven't been noticing things. I mean, there are some people who experience tougher things in life than me and they are thankful for what they have, even though it is very little. Here I am in America with very little wrong done to me and I'm unhappy. When someone else is happy, I'm envious. When I'm happy, my friends rejoice with me. I guess what I learned tonight is that I need to thank God for being there and showing love towards me. I should also be thankful that He loves everyone else to bless others with good things too.

My friends at the career group are all happy, because they all know God and are meeting with other people during the week.

Anyway, I'm seeing that I need to pray more and read the Bible more. I haven't been doing that consistently. I also need to talk to people more often. Being at home, away from everyone else, it doesn't come as easily as it once did. And I must also start to take chances once again.

It's funny how things work out. Because of my faith, I will say that it is God who is helping me through these things. Okay, I know what I need to do.

John 17

The message this past Sunday was on John 17...focusing on verses 20-23. Anyway, one thing that I noticed is that I need to pray more for others. Looking at Jesus, He knew that His disciples were going to go through some rough times. But he prayed for protection for them and unity. Also for us who believed the message through the disciples.

He did not pray some general prayer, but a very specific prayer for those He loved. Prayers do not need to be general and for a lot of people. One person said tonight that our prayers do not need to be in quantity, but in quality.

Just thought that I'd record that so that I could read it later. Seeing how others are living out their life in Christ really encourages me to do the same. The thing that I need to do is actually do the same.

Celebrate Good Times c'mon!

(Note this is just a description of what happened, nothing really too interesting. This is just for me to log down.)

Yesterday was my friend's birthday. A lot of people showed up, which is not surprising, because he truly is a great guy! Anyway, given all the things that he's done for people and the rapport that he has with others it would be weird if there wasn't the old group coming back.

I totally forgot his birthday...yeah shows how good of a friend I am. I've been lost in my own world for about half a year. heh.

Anyway, being the anti-social person that I am, I was thinking of not going, because I didn't want to. But I'm glad that I did. He is pretty gracious and cordial.

The place that we went to was a pretty popular restaurant. The email said 7:15, and we didn't get a seating until 8. Some people showed up about 8:15-25 and still didn't miss much.

We were there for about a hour and a half. Afterwards, we went to a bubble tea place and stayed there until 11, when it closed.

We talked about ministry and how things are going at some places. It seemed like we were all in agreement about what my friend was saying. Talking about the larger body of Christ and gathering us all together as an identity of Christ's church, not as an identity of our church that we go to. He has a bigger picture and a good understanding of the whole body, and not just an arm, or a leg. It was encouraging, but when the times comes to do something, I wonder if I'll participate.

I guess that's one thing that I've been lacking. When the times of leadership have come up, I've stepped down, because I thought that I couldn't do it. I didn't have the faith that things would turn out alright or in God's plan. Anyway, I have some things to deal with before I start doing what I did before. Plus, I have a lot to learn.

When it comes down to the rubber hitting the road, I always find that I would rather NOT take the chance anymore. I guess it all comes down to choices and what you're going to DO about it. The first step is always "turn to God". The past two years, I've put that second. Maybe that's why I'm just reluctant to start taking chances again.

When it comes down to it, I could learn a lot from my friend. He does a lot and has grown a lot because of his participation. However, he has a great heart for God and the people. The two most important things that one must have. That must come first rather than the doing part.

This lent season, I've seen that I do not place those two first anymore. That's a harsh statement and I am hard on myself sometimes. But just looking at what I do do, I've come to that conclusion.

I could write about this all I want, but what it comes down to is, "What am I going to do with my life?" Am I going to spend it with God, or am I going to do what I want to do. Looking at my friend's life, he truly is rich. Not necessarily in monetary terms, but in the relationships that he has created. Anybody that knows him will be able to tell you of his goodness. Yeah, I have a lot to learn from my friend. When you see people actually living out the life following Christ, it truly is distinct and attractive.

Anyway, I'm not that far gone, but when there should have been times of growth, there were times of shrinking. I guess what it comes down to is, what do you want in life? And the choices that you will make today. NOT tomorrow. Tomorrow may never come.

Didn't pass the test

I received my score for the Japanese Proficiency test. I didn't pass. I got a better score than I thought I would, but it wasn't enough. All I can do is prepare for next year and retake the test.

My mom is thinking that I should give up on Japanese and find something else. She could be right, but I'm not going to give up that easily.

Well...disicipline...I really need to work on that. I've done some things in disciplining myself like waking up at 10 instead of 12, but still, I could do better.

All the plans in the world won't work if you're not going to actually do it. Man, what it comes down to is one thing, will I do it? Will I put in the hours and work to make myself better at this language?

Someone told me, "If you want something, then you'll have to work for it." That's not true for everything, but in the sense of some things, it is a half truth. Sometimes, even if you work hard for something, you might not get it. But that's life. It's not fair.

However, life is fair in some sense that if you do the hard work and make consistent efforts, then you'll grow personally and have better habits which will in turn create more opportunities. Sometimes there are people who do well against all the odds. Whether in music, sports, inventions, knowledge (like science etc.), or even video games. haha. Think, some people have a natural gift to do something, but often if they don't practice, then someone else (who may not have that natural talent, but worked all his/her life at that) could beat/surpass them. It's not always set in stone, but practice does help. However, there are other factors that come into play too.

Anyway, enough of my ranting. I've got to stop talking and start studying.

The Past Living in me and Old Wounds

This past Saturday was a funeral for one of my inlaws. My sister married someone else and his grandmother just passed away. It was sad because 3-4 weeks earlier, the Grandmother's husband passed away.

I really didn't want to go to this funeral, because it was so close to the previous funeral. I really wanted to pay my respects to a woman who really treated me so well, but I didn't want to re-visit my past again.

Before I became Christian, I used to go to this other church in a different religion. Some of the roughest times of my life were times when I was there. It wasn't necessarily the people there...it was more of my own personal problems. Some of my worst memories were being at that church. Well...hearing stuff was never easy to deal with.

Anyway, I thought that I put all this in the past. I had forgotten about all the things that have happened until I went to the grandfather's funeral. Seeing old faces and feeling like I just couldn't talk to some of these people that I once knew. Some were bad memories, some were good. But some things that I heard said in the past really reminded me of the pain that I once felt...still felt. I'm sure that the people have changed just as I have changed. But it seemed like things were still as they once were in our relationships with each other.

Going back a second time for the second funeral in such a short time really reminded me that I was all alone back then. I was alone then and there I was still alone. It has to do with how I acted, but yeah, I felt alone again. I tried writing my feelings down on this blog, but I find it best not to write down things when I'm feeling bad. It just comes out in the wrong way and I'm thinking how I'm feeling. My feelings aren't always true to how things are and I'm glad that I postponed my writing about this.

I guess the pain of the past still lives in me. I can't blame the people of the previous church that I went to. I can't blame them, even if I want to. They may or may not have said things, but that's part of being human...people have emotions and people say or do things which may hurt others. The memories of the past are still present within me. I find that I have to forgive them for causing me pain, and hopefully if I do forgive them, I'll be able to talk to them again. I just hope that they'll forgive me and see that I have changed.

(Deleted)

Anyway, I don't want people to think that I experience Hell in some way there. It was just my problems that I experienced. Nobody really did anything to me. Human nature...it shows how much we need God. Man, I need to go to church...

Sunday

I went to church yesterday. I went after service ended. I woke up several times and went back to sleep. For some reason, I don't like waking up that early. I even tried to set my alarm early this morning to get in the habit of waking up, and found that I slept through my alarm.

Anyway, I got to church for coffee hour and went to Sunday school. I missed a good message in service, I heard. Anyway, meeting all my friends from church really helped cheer me up from the renewed memories.

I went to see "Million Dollar Baby" with the leaders of the Career group. Great movie. It touched human emotions that I'm sure a lot of people could relate to. I won't spoil the movie, but it's really good. See it if you haven't. If possible, see it with others, or organize a group outing.

Anyway, we talked about the movie afterwards and the discussion rolled onto different topics. March Madness, being part of the body at church, making it on time to church, jobs, the movie, and how when you spend a lot of time reading something, you get into that mindset.

The last one that I mention came up because I was talking about Harry Potter and how I spent maybe 5 hours a day (estimate) reading it. The wife (not mine) told me how your thinking kind of conforms to what you're reading. She told us of a book about a firm where people are cutting each other's throat and backstabbing and how she had to stop reading that because she felt like the people at her work would do that and how she must do that to stay in. I said that that's totally how I felt after reading Harry Potter for so long. I thought "so and so was going to come back" and that "so and so must be stopped!" To spare you any more details, it was interesting to see that what you put inside of yourself can influence how you think.

Anyway, getting back to "Million Dollar Baby", it really is a great movie. People from different walks of life, decisions to be made, sticking to it, and risks and chances that could pay off. I like this movie because it shows decisions and character in the people. Things aren't always black and white, sometimes you have to make a decision in what you're going to do. The characters all had decisions to make. Anyway, I won't say anymore about it. See it if you haven't, while it's still in theatres.

Digging up the old games

I was looking on Ebay to see what games they have for sale. I found lots of the good games that I've played for under $10...some under $5. I'm referring to the old Nintendo Entertainment System. Can you believe that each of these games cost $50 back in the day? They were the IN thing back then for kids. Many of the gamers now that were born in the very late 70s or early 80s started on this system.

One of the things that I learned about Japan was that it was dominating the economy around that time. They sold things cheaper and better than the American and European counterparts. They sold digital watches, radios, VCRs, TVs, and eventually good cars. No wonder they even took over the video game department from Atari.

It was also a time when the US economy wasn't doing so well. (I'm not sure, but I heard stories.) Anyway, people were complaining about Japan dominating everything and the US economy not doing so well. I remember even when they had commercials saying, "Buy it ONLY if it says, 'MADE IN THE USA.'" I even think that my boss at the University library couldn't find a job during those times and ended up still at the library.

Anyway, that's all in the past and I really do like the games that Japan makes. However, the PC games that some companies make here are really good. Blizzard is one of the good companies. I think that Sierra shut down. Activision is still around and EA too (even though I think that they could do better on some games.)

Anyway, I've made some bids on some games and I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't have. Having no job and such... Anyway, the games that I bid on are really good games for the time and sometimes I prefer some of the old school games to some of the new ones. I guess that shows how out of touch I am with some of the new systems.

I have been looking at all the old games that I do have and have looked at all the money that went into these games. Was this really a good use of my money? Especially now that they can be bought at such a reduced rate. That, or downloaded for free. (I'm not recommending that to anyone though.)

Games nowadays have 1st person perspective (literally seeing the world through the eyes of the character.) They literally give me motion sickness. It doesn't mean that they're not well made, but I just have trouble playing games like that. I think that the reason is that one of my eyes is dominant, so one eye sees everything clearly, while one eye sees things blurred. The fast movements give me a headache. It's better when I play those games with glasses, but still I get a little quesy.

Anyway, the old games were the stepping stone for the games nowadays. Things that look so bad in the old games, compared to today's standards, were probably advanced graphics for the time. It's amazing to see what they can create now. But for me, I'm probably going to be trying to beat all the old games that I never got around to playing.

Things aren't as bad as they seem...now

I went to my interview today. I arrived there 15 minutes earlier than the time that they gave me. It just so happened that the time they gave me was 15 minutes earlier than the time that I was scheduled to be there. More time for me to think of what to say.

The people there seemed friendly enough. Most of them seemed older...but I guess that's how it is everywhere. There seems to be a lot of older people working at jobs and few youth.

The interviewer who was showing me around the place told me that if I were hired, I would eat with my unit. It doesn't seem so bad at all.

I would be answering calls one after the other. Apparently there is not a line for Japanese, so they interviewed me in English and I just role played as a customer service person. Apparently they might test my Japanese later if they deem me worthy enough. heh.

I think that it went okay. I just wish that they told me what they were going to interview me on. They told me that I would be tested on my Japanese, but apparently, I was only supposed to be tested on my customer service skills. They had no word that I was going to be tested on my Japanese. That's not a bad thing, but it just means that I have another interview to go to if they deem me worthy.

It seems like things will work out. My friend who is going on the mission that the minister wanted me also to go on encouraged me by telling me that he hopes that I get this job. It was because of him that I found this job. He really is a good guy and a good friend.

I'm wondering...if things work out with the job, should I take the job? Should I forgo the mission? It seems like my friends told me that I'm at the working stage of my life and need to earn some income to feed myself. If I do get this job, then I think that a certain mission is the only mission that I will be able to do. Unless, I feel called to drop work and do a mission. Maybe more years doing service at church and homeless feeding will help in my growth.

I still kind of wonder...how do you know if God is calling you to do something? How do you know if He wants you to do something? I'm not sure which path I should take. I'm not sure if I should do this mission...but I want to do it. I think that it would be more challenging than things that I've done in school. It would be fun, and rewarding. Most of all, it would be an opportunity to make a difference in someone else's life.

The last reason seems to be the only reason that I have for going. All the others seem like they're for myself. Is personal growth and desire to grow in faith wrong? I answer that by saying, "It's not wrong, but if you do not care for the people first in this mission, then it probably is wrong." That's just my opinion. Right now, I'm wondering what my motives for going are. I don't even know that much about the culture that I would be going into...we'll see though.

I'm thinking that I'm probably not going to retire from this agency if I do get the job. I wonder if I could do a mission after I quit from there. But then I think...if I have a family of my own, then it's going to be tough. Not that I have anybody in my life, but still, you'll never know what will happen in the future. Anyway, much to think and pray about.