Yesterday...

I was dead tired. I worked 5 hours and 50 minutes. I think a lot of people were gone, because we had the 4th off, but not the 5th. I guess I shouldn't complain because I got paid for the holiday because I showed up the day before the weekend and the day after. But man, it was a really long day.

Translating is fun...

when you know what they're saying. Right now, I've got a side job translating some text for a Nintendo DS game. I have no idea which game it is, but since it's a DS game, it needs to be under 30 characters including spaces. I'm getting paid 7.5 cents per translated word. I spent 6 hours translating 60 lines. I'm starting to get the hang of it now, but I think that I should go to Japan to learn Japanese and the way people speak it.

It's interesting though. Trying to translate the emotion, how people are speaking, and of course the text into a way that English speakers will understand is a little difficult. But, given that we only have 30 characters for each line, it doesn't have to be profound. I'm really enjoying this side job. I hope that they'll give me more work to do. I guess I just have to turn it in really quickly.

Star Ocean...

I'm really loving this game. The battles are simple and button mashers, but the new abilities that you learn make it interesting and somewhat obsessive. As you use your abilities more and more, your mastery of them goes higher and they become more effective. So, in a sense, you use it to get better at it, or you don't have to use it at all. There are 8 characters in this game that you can with. I'm thinking that there's more, but maybe one character goes away when you go to another planet. I'm not that far into the game, but I'm really looking forward to beating this game and unlocking the hardest difficulty level. I guess I've only spent 36 hours of my life playing this. hehe.

Man, RPGs will take up a lot of your life. I think that I've spent more time playing video games than I have anything else, but sleeping. What waste of time. But hey, it's fun. That's RPGs for you. They'll take up a lot of your life, because you're living an alternate life within the video game. I guess I should limit the time I spend on this huh.

I haven't posted for awhile, because the internet keeps on going down. It's up one minute, down the next.

Anyway, I was playing Star Ocean Till the End of Time and I must say that it's a pretty interesting game. The characters have depth. One person, who is called Albel the Wicked, becomes part of your party. One person says that he has a weak heart and that makes him keep people at arms length. One conversation he has with the main character is about life. Life for him and the kingdom he lives in is harsh. It's packed with snow, not allowing too many crops to grow. Aquaria on the other hand, is a warm climate with a magical water source that flows throughout the land.

For Albel, he talks about the harshness of reality and why they went to war with Aquaria. Life is tougher for them over there and my choice of what the main character said to Albel of why Albel's kingdom lost, "You lack compassion," made him go on this tirade.

I guess I can understand why Albel's character is such a harsh guy. The climate, not weather, he lives in is pretty harsh. They do lack compassion, but maybe there's a reason behind it.

Anyway, I think that it's interesting to see how games nowadays are incorporating characters like this in your party. They're not perfect and they give you another viewpoint.

I can relate to Albel. I can also empathize too. But I cannot understand everything that he went through, because I have never had life that severe. But I know that living in hate is not the way to live.

I've come to see that I do keep everyone at arms length. I even push away those who I want to be close to, because I have a weak heart. I'm actually scared of how good life could be. I'm scared that I'd do something to mess it up by being me. In truth, it's probably because I haven't grown up enough to handle emotions like this. I have little experience.

But I think that over time, if I walk with God, then I'll learn how to love others.

Capcom

I must say that Capcom is an awesome company. If you ask me, I'll tell you why I'm so pleased. Anyway, they are now ranked #2 after Square-Enix in my book. I think that I might try to get a job with them later on in life after I get more experience.

Maybe I'm easy to please, but I'm loving Capcom right now.

The best part...

Fridays are always good. I get paid every Friday. Even though today was a lot heavier than the previous 4 days, it was good in that things went smoothly. At our break, the supervisor said that we get monday off! He also mentioned that if we don't show up on Tuesday, then we don't get paid for the holiday. Wow, I didn't even know that we got some holiday pay...I guess this isn't such a bad place to work at.

I'll be receiving benefits starting today. I know that I can use these. It takes 2 months of 40 hours a month to get benefits for the 1st month. I have to work 40 hours each month to continue benefits for the month after.

One thing that I found both sad and uplifting was talking to this one guy today. He told me, "I hate this place..." I asked, "How long have you worked here for?" He said, "6 years...you know why I work here? It's my wife...she has been married 4 times and all have been to marines. They beat her up and broke her bones, so she's always in the hospital now. Age is catching up with her now." I didn't know what to say, so I said, "I'm sorry..." and walked off. I think that I could have done a better job in saying something positive. It kind of sounded like I'm saying, "Oh, I'm sorry that you're still working here." I wasn't saying that, but while I was driving home, I thought that he must be a really good husband to put up with a job like this for 6 years. He hates his job, yet he stays here, because his wife needs the help...otherwise, they would be worse off.

People hate this place. I'm starting to not like it either. But, I guess it's still a paycheck, and we do get great benefits, despite our low pay. I'm just glad that I have a job. I don't plan on staying here for more than 1 year, but I'm wondering...what do I really want in my life? I don't know.

Personally, I think that I need to just meditate some more about the people in my life, how I'm treating them, and how to become a better person, so that they'll stay in my life. I feel that I'm rough around the edges most of the time.

But still, I think that I'm not so bad. But yeah, enough about me.

Anyway, this place where I work at, is a good place to work. But I need to find another job. Someone who also went to the same university as me works there too. He graduated a year before me. He tells me, "I went to school for this?" He cracks me up. Funny guy...anyway, I know that probably most people who are working there now, won't be there for more than one year. Things will change and the people will change. I know if I want to get anywhere, I'm going to have to prepare.

The best part about working here is that there are some decent people here. It's a dark place, but what part of the world isn't dark? If you're always in the light, then you're probably not needed there. But still, I don't think that I'm burning brightly at all. Well, sometimes, all you can do is pray and do your best to get to know people. I guess I've got to get back into the game. Life is not a game, but what I'm saying is, I've got to participate again...something I don't want to do anymore.

Work...sucks...

It's not that bad...when I'm going home for the day. But really, work is not that horrible. On Monday, my supervisor told us that we were going to have a light week this week. Monday wasn't so bad. Then Tuesday had a lot of stuff for us to go through. Plus there was an inspection that day, so we were told to work really fast for the first hour. heh.

Today sucked the most. For some reason, people don't like using enough tape to tape up their boxes, so we had an extraordinary amount of boxes that we had to re-tape. Plus we had a heavy shipment, so we didn't get out until later than usual. I don't know why, but this week seems like it's going to be tougher than last week. Last week, we got out early almost everyday.

They even had someone who does the same thing I do, unload a truck. I'm thinking...if he's doing that when his guy is sick, then I will probably be doing the same thing if my guy is sick. Oh man...I can't imagine doing that...well...heavy lifting...I was expecting it and I will probably be doing it.

Anyway, one thing that I must say is, I don't believe that my bosses can predict how much work we're going to have for the week. Sometimes things change in the middle of the week, because people send stuff out for fast shipments.

I had an off day today. It wasn't so horrible, but it felt like I couldn't do anything right today. Nothing to do, but to recover, get to work tomorrow, and do better. I wasn't even tired today. Maybe I was, I just didn't feel tired. All that caffiene from yesterday.

Anyway, I'm thinking...where do I want to go in life? Am I going to stick around here? Do I really want to go to Japan? I'm thinking that I really don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want to do with my life. Anyway, enough pondering...

Some thoughts about what I do

I've looked at my life for the past year. I don't do very much anymore in terms of serving others and being a servant. I do a little but I look at my heart and I see that I don't have a heart right now. It's not soft...that's all I can say. I guess that's one reason why I think that God might not have wanted me to serve in the children's ministry this year. I am not sure if He does want me to serve in that ministry again, but I really think that He doesn't want me to serve this year. For what reason, I don't know. Anyway...

I was told that the heart behind what you do is more important than the doing. Doing is important, but if you don't have the right heart behind it, then it might not be so good to actually do that. I find that I don't have very much love in my heart right now. I can say that because I feel like I don't care. I do care about some things and some people, but really, I'm just in oblivion right now.

I can attribute this to not spending enough time with God. Lately, I've been doing other things than spending time with God. Yesterday was the first time in about a week that I have spent time with Him praying and reading His word.

I could do things in my church and I could do things for other people, but really, I just feel dead. I guess the change has to start within before I can start doing things again.

I wonder why God still meets with me when I pray, and I know that the only reason is because He loves me. I take Him and a lot of people for granted sometimes, but I'm seeing that really, I need to care again about those who I have friendships with and those who actually care about me.

I know that people are there to help me if I ask. I know that people have been trying to talk to me and I also know that some people have moved on. Really, I can't worry about people leaving me. I need to focus on just getting better. I also need to focus on being a friend.

Anyway, something inside of me asks...is it better if you don't serve at all? Would anybody else do it? I like to think that if I don't do something, then someone else will answer the call to serve. I know that everything doesn't depend on me. But then again, maybe I need to serve again. You learn by doing right?

Anyway, about an earlier post about doing...it's important to have the right attitude and heart behind what you do, but if you're doing something that is not right...not matter what your heart is behind it, it is probably not right. I know that things aren't black and white, but really, you need to use your own judgment about things and not take everything anyone says all one way.

Sometimes we are fooled by half truths. And sometimes the truth may be perverted for someone else's objectives. Anyway, all I'm saying is, "Think for yourself and judge for yourself what is right and wrong."

Batman Begins...

I saw Batman a week ago. Pretty good movie. I must say that it is different from the animated series, but still pretty good.

There were two quotes that I remember the most. "Why do we fall down Bruce?" (Bruce's father asked.) The answer, "So we can learn to get back up." The second quote is, "it's not who you are inside that's important. It's what you do that defines you Bruce." The last one I kind of agree with because what you do does say something about you, but it doesn't mean everything. However, I'd say that the heart behind what you do matters more. Doing isn't everything, it's the heart behind the doing. Someone could have a really arrogant attitude while helping the less fortunate. Is that actually helping anybody? Is it making them feel worse? Questions I ask and think about. Really, people look at the outside, but not many people look at what's inside. We can't always see what's inside sometimes, until we notice it later.

Anyway, I thought that it was a great movie. I still like the animated series the best, but I'm glad that they got back to the roots of why Batman is Batman. The previous movies just ruined the whole concept. It started to go downhill after Batman Returns. I guess filmmakers are entitled to their own artistic license too. But man, it was getting pretty bad.

One thing that I hope that they keep is some of the bad guys for the next movies. If you kill off all the bad guys, then you can't use them again in another movie. I guess people only want to make so many movies...and a comic series is meant to last a longer period of time than movies, but it would be nice to see some old faces back in the game and to see more of their character developed. Who knows...maybe they get rid of them, so they don't have to pay them more money to come back.

The whole concept of Batman is a past that has changed Bruce Wayne, and a desire to make sure that it doesn't happen again to any other people. Even helping people who misunderstand him.

Why do we fall down? Why do we fail? Why do we lose? So we can learn to get back up, try again, and succeed later. It build character to try again. If we never knew pain, then how would we know what joy is?

Life is tough

This is a fallen world. I'm not saying go out there and fail or lose, but what I'm saying is, there is no growth without these things. If everyone succeeded in everything, then to me, it would seem like a Hell on earth. Everything would be too easy. Nothing would be worth trying for. Life would be boring.

Batman and Spiderman are my favorite superheros. They are human beings who are not perfect, but try really hard to make things right. I think what I identify most about them is with their weaknesses, and I respect about their characters their sense of right and wrong. Things aren't always black and white, but sometimes you have to make judgments about what to do.

Batman and Spiderman have strong characterics of right. Both have to do with a tradgedy in each of their lives.

In my life, I still struggle with things from my past. I have made choices that hurt me and helped me. I have choices now. What am I going to do with my life? What am I going to do with my relationships with my friends? What am I going to do with my church?

We all have a part to play in this world. One thing that I'm learning about myself is that I shouldn't let other people define who I am. I define who I am. I have my own life to lead.

I guess after all this searching for the past 6 months, I'm being reminded that my worth is not defined by other people. If it was, I'd be worth very little. The one person that I belong to is God. He will never leave me or forsake me.

I have choices to make for my life. Right now, I'm going nowhere. I guess the thing to do is to not get comfortable sitting around and start running again.

Goodbyes, hellos, and Goodbyes

Yesterday there was a going away party for someone. We went to a park and had a potluck there. It was super busy. I got there an hour late and didn't miss much. Other people showed up later.

My friend is leaving back for her home. She has a job lined up and she is going to do well there.

It was sad to see her go. I barely talked to her, because I have never been good at saying goodbye.

One of my friends from Japanese showed up. Her boyfriend went to school with my friend. She came and talked to me, because we had class together. She is a nice person and we talked for a little bit.

I always get uncomfortable around people from time to time, and this was one of those times. It's nothing that she did, it's just that I find that I haven't had much practice with people I haven't seen and people that are new. Anyway, I probably won't see her again...just like my other friend.

Anyway, despite the goodbyes, I had a good time talking with some of my other friends. The time passed quickly and it was over before I knew it. I missed the main reason why I came there, which was to talk to my friend.

Anyway, there were some new people that I haven't met before that were there to see my friend off. I felt like such a hypocrite, because aren't we supposed to welcome new people? Instead, I felt like I was just talking to my friends instead of trying to actually meet new people. I noticed that the majority, my friends, were still here at the end, while the people that I didn't know left earlier. I wonder if they had a good time.

I guess one thing that I need to work on is hospitality. I must admit that I'm still scared of this world. One experience really was traumatic. I haven't recovered yet. But I know that unless I actually try to get back into the swing of things, I won't recover. I guess the solution is to force myself again, and get out of my comfort zone.

I'm wondering what lies ahead. Where will I go? What will I do? Will I make good choices, or will I choose to live in a mediocre way?

Really, my life is my own. I have my own choices to make. I have my own life to create. I'm just wondering, do I really want it?

Things don't turn out the way you want them to, but definitely there will be good times and bad times.

Something going through my head today was, I really need to just get over some things. At work, there are some people who might not like me and there are some people who I get along with well. I was thinking today, you just got to make your own time here. Make your own life. You have choices and you're not helpless.

So, I decided to have a good day at work. I decided to just see the positive, even though negative happens from time to time. Don't get me wrong, I acknowledge the negative, and I try to deal with it. Sometimes I do it in the wrong way, like today, but I see what I did wrong and what I should do the next time. I had a good day and I didn't let myself get trapped in my negativity. heh. I'm sure you guys don't know what I'm talking about. Even people who have known me for awhile don't know what I'm talking about. Anyway...

One thing that I'm sure of is that I need to find a new job. I don't think that this is a good job for me. It's really dangerous doing this type of work. Either I'm going to get hurt, or someone else is.

I wonder...

Oil and OPEC

My dad is watching the US senators debate on whether or not to use anti-trust suits against OPEC. Those of you living in America, I'm sure you know of the high gasoline prices that we have as of now. It seems like the senators are blaming OPEC, the band of countries in the middle east that have oil.

They're complaining about oil prices being too high and also talking about greenhouse gases and how they think that global warming is a myth. They could be right, but one thing that I know is that man made stuff hurts the environment. If we're not careful, we'll all be dead by our own pollution.

Anyway, I think that it's ridculous that the senate is thinking of using an anti-trust suit against OPEC. What I do say is, OPEC is getting smart, because oil is a necessity for many countries and as long as there are no other ways of getting efficient energy to run our transportation, then we'll always depend on them. Even if we do open up the artic reserves for oil, that won't be enough and will ruin Alaska.

What I must say is, there is a lot of self interest in Washington. The government was spending money on developing alternative energies in the 70s, but it got cancelled when Ronald Regan came to power. He said that we must depend on oil.

When you think about it, gasoline companies make a heck of a lot of money on everyone. Gas is used everyday. Gas is necessary for the US to get around, not to mention a lot of other places too.

The senators also make money off of the gasoline companies. Who makes contributions to the government? Companies. Companies know how to get what they want. Money talks. Government officials have to raise money to campaign. To stay in office, they need to play the game. The good ones sometimes get swept away.

Anyway, what I'm saying is, the government could spend money on making alternative energies, but...they are getting paid by the oil industry, so they don't spend on alternative energy.

I don't claim to know everything...it's obvious that I know very little about this. But when you think about it, it's just stupid to charge an anti-trust suit against OPEC. We HAVE to depend on them...or else we're in trouble. What I'm saying is, the US gov. is digging deeper in it's own trouble and self interest. Why not develop alternative energies? It's expensive to develop yes, but really, how much do we spend on weapons? Why not make something that benefits everyone and helps us in the future?

I don't know...common sense dictates that we should develop alt. energies. Anyway, I guess no one is interested. We're living good now and there's no reason to worry...Anyway, I guess if the government did develop better alt. energies, then they would keep it a secret for awhile until it is needed. However, I doubt they're doing that.

Hmm...I sure hope that someone will develop a better solar cell. That's not the only type of alt. energy, but I do think that that is going to be the most useful.

I've come to realize that some things aren't that big of a deal. I have cooled off a little from my previous post. Thank goodness for today's message. The verses, Matthew 5:43-48 helped.

I'm wondering what the correct actions to take are. I guess there is no right answer in this, but there are better ways of doing things. Some better than others. What would Jesus do? My guess is that He wouldn't worry about this little thing and forgive others as He forgives me.

Anyway, I'm seeing that I need to get more sleep. I'm wearing out from just not taking care of myself and being sick.

Sundays...

I'm always glad that the weekends come, but I always have to adjust my schedule every week. I think Sunday's are the hardest day of the week for me. I'm always worrying about getting to work on time the next day. Even though it's late already for me, I'm wanting to talk to my family.

Sunday mornings are tough, because I am usually sleepy on those days. Sometimes I don't want to go to church. Sometimes I'd rather sleep and stay in bed. But today was good. Even though I wasn't talkative today, I was glad that I went to church and went out to lunch. I wonder why I go sometimes, because I'm usually so tired that I don't talk that much. I feel so low...maybe this is depression talking.

I'm thinking that I need to focus on what's positive instead of what's negative. I also need to see that really, some things don't matter and that I do have worth. Really, nobody can give me what I need. I need to work with God to create the things that I need. I'm talking about being okay with myself and participating in conversations. I guess it's a learning process.

Being okay with myself...sometimes I'm too hard on myself. But I guess I need to forgive myself too.

Today, the message was about Fathers and God. I remember a few things, but one thing that I remember is that strength is not hiding your weakness, but being able to get back up and try again if you are knocked down. If you're knocked down 7 times, will you try the 8th time to start again? Note, I'm not talking about relationships here. I'm talking about not giving up. Wow, I'm going to miss this pastor. Well, I know that he'll do some great things in the new church that he's going to start. Praise God that someone is going out into this world to reach out to those who don't know Jesus and who will really care for them. Note that the pastor and his family have great hearts, and I know that the people they meet will be really lucky to meet them.

Makes me think...I really need to pray and spend time with Jesus.

Some things don't matter. Two things matter the most. One greater than the other.

Anyway, I know that holidays aren't necessarily celebrations for everyone. I hope, however, that you all will have good days on those days though. One thing that I try to remember is that God is good and we don't know everything. Sometimes we won't know why something happened until very much later. Events shape our lives...they are out of our control sometimes, but there is hope. I have been taught this from church and it has kept me going. I don't know where I'd be without God.

Anyway, I know that words only mean so much. But I hope that you all will experience good things to come.

All I got to say is, be careful who you deal with. Some people really need to learn people skills. I'm not saying that I'm perfect either, but man, sometimes things come out the wrong way when I'm at the receiving end.

Anyway, nothing big happened...but yeah, I'm learning more about this world by dealing with this world. I guess that's why we need Christ.

People really are interesting...but I think that sometimes I need to use a little conditioning so that people will learn that they are doing something wrong. I'm not talking about running experiments on anybody, but what I'm saying is, sometimes you need to tell people that what they're doing is wrong. If you reward bad behavior, then people will just act worse.

I'm not saying bite them back...what I'm saying is, show them that they hurt you and that what they did is wrong. Hmm...maybe I should watch Super Nanny. haha. That's conditioning...Parenting.

Anyway, I know that sometimes things aren't this easy. But really, there are better ways of doing things.

I don't pretend to know what everyone else is going through...but yeah, I'm speaking only for myself. I'm still learning...

I'm having writer's block...I can't seem to express myself. Anyway, I'll try to just write whatever comes to the top of my head. Maybe I just need to write some things that I've been doing.

Star Ocean Till the End of Time

You can find the article here.


This is a great game for the PS2! I'm enjoying it. The battle system is pretty simple, but it's still more fun than just telling your characters to attack and watching them attack. The battles are in real time. If you're looking for more of a challenge, then check out Ninja Gaiden for the XBOX. But yeah, I'll explain some more about the battle system for Star ocean.

Battles consist of three characters that you can control. You control only one character at a time and the other characters do their own actions based on the label you told them to fight in. You can switch between characters at any time though. There are minor attacks and major attacks. Minor attacks are quick and use less fury (it's like stamina), but can be blocked if the opponent has 100% fury. If you have an anti attack barrier, then your block will bounce a stun wave back at the attacker. This can be changed to a different setting like bouncing back damage, but only when you find items that will teach your characters how to do that.

Major attacks will break the barrier and allow you to keep attacking if you choose to without being stunned. Major attacks take up more fury than minor attacks, so if your gauge reaches 0, then you'll have to stand still until it recharges.

There are also special attacks if you learn them based upon experience and equip them. They will level up the more you use them. They are initiated by holding down the button that you equipped them on.

There is also long and short attacks. These are based upon the distance you are from the enemy. If the gauge says that you're a long distance away, then your attacks will be different. For Fsyt, the main character, he has only chains of two attacks for both the minor and major. The special attacks can be equipped to either long or short for your major or minor attacks.

The gameplay is pretty simple and there's not much to it besides button mashing and dodging. It's addicting, but can get tiring over 1-2 hours. The fun part about this game is not the actual gameplay, but improving and getting new things because of the experience in battles.

Patenting items

You can actually hire inventors or invent stuff with your characters and patent it. So far, I've found an Anti Poison Amulet, and some Sake (alcohol) that I patented. I'm hoping that they'll give me some more gameplay money in this game. The game has some variety in that you can create items, synthesize them, make food, invent weapons, engineer technology, etc. and patent it so that you can buy it in the game...I'm not sure if you get any money for it, but I'm thinking you do. It costs quite a bit of money to make something in this game. But it's funny to see the character's expressions as they work on something. Anyway, there's lots of details that I don't want to go into.

Storyline

I won't ruin the story for you, but there is external and internal struggle throughout the parts of the game that I've played.

I like how you can talk to the inhabitants of the different towns and get a feel for how things are like there. But sometimes it does seem a little unrealistic, even though I know that there are people out there like some of the little blurbs of text.

Anyway, this was kind of a boring post. But yeah, that's what I've been sinking my teeth into.

Sometimes it's best not to worry...I mean, what good will that do you? Pray and do what you can.

Sometimes you've got to wonder...

From time to time, I wonder why I'm here. I feel like I create bad times for some people. I feel like I hurt people from time to time by my actions and my words. (Not physically, mind you.) I'm talking about other people's feelings.

I know that it is inevitable that we will hurt each other. We're not perfect and we have flaws in our own beings that we use to hurt others. I don't believe that our flaws cause us to hurt others, it's something that we do, whether intentional or not.

Anyway, given all the things that are in the back of my mind, I'm feeling pretty low.

Anyway, humans are beings that can do a lot of harm to each other and have done a lot of harm to the world. But I know that there is one person who will forgive me if I ask for forgiveness and if I forgive others for the wrongs I have against them. I'm having trouble letting go of these grudges of the past. But I keep reminding myself that "nobody's perfect," and "we're all just trying to live the best we can." It's inevitable that we're going to hurt others and be hurt by others. But, that doesn't mean that you go out there and intentionally hurt others in any way.

Sometimes I wonder...why was I created? Have I actually made anyone's life better? When I do try to help, I find that people take advantage of my good intentions. I'm learning how not to let people take advantage of me twice by the same person. I guess if you have good intentions, then you will be taken advantage of from time to time, but we're supposed to be as shrewd as serpents and as innocent as doves. So, what I learned from someone else who knows someone else who helps others in need, is that there are honest people, and there are dishonest people. If someone is found untrustworthy, then it's stupid to trust them again. You're just going to get hurt or taken advantage of again.

Then, I am sometimes the one who hurts others or makes them feel bad about themselves. I don't intend to do that, but it comes out that way from time to time. I know that I just have to look back, see what I did wrong, see what I could do right the next time, and move on.

Anyway, I know that it's pointless to keep writing about this. Some things are bothering me, and I wonder if I blow things out of proportion to how things actually are. I don't know. Nobody tells me anything...so I assume nothing is wrong. But I wonder sometimes why people just don't tell me when they have something against me. Maybe it's small to them and I guess I shouldn't worry about things like this. One of my friends told me not to worry about relational things. People forgive and forget over time. My friend is an outstanding person and I see that he is pretty good at relational things and keeping himself upbeat.

Anyway, that's what's been on my mind for some time now. I think that it was good that I wrote this down. For my benefit, I don't have to worry about things anymore. But, what I do need to do is see what I did wrong and improve myself.

Graduation...couldn't make it

I decided to stay home while my parents and brother left for graduation. I think that it's best that I stay home. I would probably get worse being out in this weather. Plus I have used up almost all the kleenex in the house.

Right now, I'm coughing up flem and blowing my nose every two minutes. Well...more like coughing, and blowing my nose. I'm in the recovery stage now I guess. I'm just glad that I didn't get sick last year when I graduated...otherwise, I'd be in miserable shape.

Well, to everyone who was graduating this year...sorry I couldn't make it.

I feel sick

Nuff said...I'm ill. I feel a lot better than I did this morning though...Man, I don't know if I'll make it to my brother's graduation tomorrow.

Bad times will come

Today was just a bad day at work. Some things happened that weren't my fault. Or at least, I don't think they were. There were two instances. When I started work. The wireless scanner was on the ground and not plugged into the charger, so I'm thinking that it wouldn't work. I try scanning and it doesn't scan. Hmm...I try again...no luck. I call the manager. He comes back with a battery. It still doesn't scan. Finally he looks in the back and replugs the power back into the receiver. That wasn't my fault, it was like that when I got there. Fair enough...

During work there were two more instances. One my fault, another, not my fault. I accidently unplugged the receiver when I pulled the receiver. I called the manager again...he replugged it back in. I pulled it again so that it wouldn't fall to the ground...it unplugged, and he told me not to pull it and plugged it back in. My fault on that one.

The second one was that I was moved to a different station after break. Someone was still logged in...so I log them out. Then I log in. While I'm scanning, I notice that the label doesn't print out when I'm scanning a box. I then look back at the computer to see that I'm logged off. I log back in. Not long later, the computer logs me off for no reason. I thought that I was hitting the keyboard with the wire from the scanner, so I move the keyboard. Still, it does the same thing. I call the manager. He tries it, and he then gives it to me after so many tries. Then he watches, and goes away after 5 minutes. It messes up after he leaves. So I give up. I just log back in when I get logged off.

At the end of work, I'm sent back to that computer. I try to scan something, and it messes up. I scan again, and it logs me off. I keep trying to log back in, and it logs me off. Finally, it breaks. It crashed and then my supervisor comes and checks on it. Yup, it's not responding...So we move all the heavy stuff and other things on the belt to another belt some 10 feet away. Just not my day. They think that the scanner is broken. Could be...but really, I wonder if someone was messing with me. Not sure about that though. I don't know why someone would not log off when break time came. Really, it lowers their stats. I'm sure that it was just faulty programming.

I am not expecting to be working here long. I might get fired sooner or later like one of my other coworkers did. I wonder exactly how long I'll be here. Well, I guess maybe I need to prepare for the worst. If I do get fired, then I know that it's time to move on. Really, jobs come and go. If I'm fired for this, then I'll know that it wasn't my fault. I don't expect to be fired...but if they have one station less tomorrow, then I'll probably be told to go home for the day.

Anyway, I know that I'm a capable person and I can do some jobs well. Not all jobs, I can do well, but some jobs. Well...I guess it's no big deal if I do get fired. I'll just look for another job. I might try Japan earlier than I expected to if things don't work out here.

Get back on your feet...start up again...this is what I tell myself. I've been sitting out too long. I know what I need to do.

Pick yourself up and try again. Get back into the game...or else you'll never get anywhere.

Sometimes it's so easy to just feel bad about oneself. Something that I am trying to do is to learn from my mistakes, think of what I'd do different and move on. You'll never know what things are ahead of you on the path you walk. But, when similar things come back, then you'll know how to deal with them. It won't be the same, but if you don't learn from your mistakes, then you'll likely repeat them.

One thing that you must remember is that the things ahead and now are NOT the same as they were in the past. But if you don't correct it now in yourself, then it is likely to happen again.

Without a Hard Drive?

More news on the PS3. You can find the page here.

Anyway, the article says that it will be backwards compatible with PS2 games, but doesn't have a memory card slot...I'm wondering...what are they thinking?!

Life always has its struggles. I find that since I'm really sensitive that I get more emotional than others sometimes. I mean, I know that we can't always go by our emotions, because emotions don't always have reason to them. Sometimes they do tell you that you should be careful. Sometimes your emotions can be more about how you perceive things than about what the other person is feeling or why they're saying something. Whatever it is, it's not always clear why people do something, say something, or react a certain way.

The only way to find out is to ask them and talk with them in a non-accusing manner or non-angry manner. Depending on the person, they might or might not tell you the truth. If they're honest, they'll tell you, or they'll tell you that they don't want to say anything about it. If they're dishonest, they'll lie. It's not always black and white like I just put it...because other factors may come into play...but yeah, I wonder sometimes...

Anyway, I think the reason I'm writing this is that I'm playing some music in the background and it has remined me of some things in the past. I guess the old wounds still linger, even though they are relatively light scars. It's like an itchy feeling where you scratch the scar and it feels more irritated.

However, I remember these things for a reason. They have been an important part of my life and have shaped who I am. Someone older once told me after I told him part of my testimony, "Aren't you glad that you went through all that?" I said, "I guess." I was. I was glad that I am where I am now. I am glad.

I know that life will always be hard. It will never be easy for anyone. However, I do believe that some people have tougher lives than others. I am amazed at how cool some people are that are disabled. How did they become so cool? They worked at it. They were given a disadvantage and they worked hard to be become better. Working hard isn't the only thing that has been part of their life. But it varies from person to person and each life is unique.

Anyway, nothing serious happened. I'm just thinking about things and life. Following Jesus is not easy...because He will always take you out of your comfort zone and stretch you. It is dangerous sometimes...but that's why we do ministry in groups. Anyway, I have some things I need to think about.

Weekend Update

Friday, there was a gathering to help set up for a fundraiser. I, feeling so bad, didn't go. I slept instead. I thought that it would be best if I didn't go. I wasn't feeling so good. The past week was just really tiring and I felt like I wanted to reach the weekend so badly. I'm glad that I got sleep on Friday.

Saturday, we had our last small group meeting. We went to a sushi joint where they had small conveyor belts move the sushi around. I was happy to eat all those California rolls. I used to not like sushi before I went to Japan. After I came back, I ate sushi and liked it. In Japan, I had to eat it, because we went to a sushi bar and that was the only thing to eat for dinner. Plus there were several other occasions where it was the only thing to eat. I like it a lot now, but I still prefer pizza.

Anyway, back to the sushi place...it's pretty close to the city center. My brother used to live really close to that place. In fact, if he were still living there, he could just walk over. They have Tako yaki (fried Octopus, made with batter into a ball), seared salmon, Fried Calamari, Tuna rolls (the raw kind and also the canned kind too), red bean, mango and green tea ice cream...and more sushi I couldn't name for a great price. $1, $1.50, $2, or $3 a plate. I really like that place! It's better than the one on the east side. $1 for 3 pieces of fried gyoza was kind of expensive though. But hey, how often do I get to eat fried gyoza?

Man, my stomach is happy from eating all that. I don't think that I'll visit there too often though. I have to drive a long way to get there.

Afterward, we went to the Wests' place and played Poker. We didn't bet anything, which sucked...because I would have received some money if we did. But it was fun. I got good cards throughout the whole game. Usually I don't have that kind of luck. But hey, you can't win them all. The game lasted kind of long though...

Sunday, I got to church on time...finally...and after church went to lunch. Then came home, took a shower and slept as soon as I could. I learned my lesson from last week.

Monday monotony

For some reason, the belt didn't seem to go as fast today. I think it goes the same speed everyday, but when I'm not tired I can move a lot faster instead of slugging around. Overall, the same old same old stuff. Nothing really new to report. I think that work went well though. I'm glad that I have a job and that I'm doing something productive. I was expecting a heavy day and we got out early. Not so bad. I can imagine me staying at this place for some time. We'll see what opportunities come up. For right now, I need to do what I need to do.

After a day of sleep, a half a night of play, and some more sleep until now, I feel rested. Now I need to eat some more.

I have some things on my mind as of lately. I tend to get down on myself a lot. I often find that nobody is going to tell me the things that I need to hear, so...I have to tell myself the things that I know to be true. While there are things bad about myself, there are also things good about me too. I often have to tell myself the things that are positive about myself and not beat myself up with things that are not so good about myself. I counter the bad things about myself with something that I hope that I can accomplish to make that part a better part of me.

"Yeah, people may ignore me, but that doesn't mean that they don't like me."

"It could mean that they don't like me, but I'm still a good person, and maybe they will like me later on. Maybe not, but I am trying to get along with them."

"Yeah, I'm kind of boring to be around, but that just means that I have to work on my social skills. I just don't have that much experience in this kind of thing, but that doesn't mean that I am worthless."

Things like that. I have to tell myself things that I know to be true. Things positive about myself. If I just beat myself up or feel bad about what I don't have, then I neglect to see that I do have things that are positive. Also, acknowledging that I have negative things about myself lets me to see that I have things where I need to improve in. Sometimes I replay stuff in my head and I feel guilty or bad about some things that I have done. But that doesn't help me. What I need to do is think of what I could do differently the next time.

I'm not perfect. But there are better things that I could do in social situations. Growth is a process. It doesn't come overnight, and it takes efforts. However, don't over emphasize the efforts...sometimes you need to analyze what you're doing and correct it before you go back into the situation. Or sometimes, you need to just let things go and let them be.

I know that I have worth regardless of how people treat me. I was told that the reason a person feels bad about someone else calling them a name is that the person who is being called a name believes that what the other person says is true. While it may be that just the fact that someone wants another to feel bad about something...really, we don't have to accept what they say is true. If we are secure enough, then we won't let things like names bother us.

One negative thought takes two positive thoughts to counter it. I find that I have to tell myself two things that are true about myself to counter the one negative thought. Labels hurt, but I usually tell myself that I am not that and I am something which I know to be true.

Anyway, main point, if you feel bad about someone calling you something, then it's probably because you believe it. If you don't believe it, then you shouldn't feel bad about what another person thinks. Bad feelings do come because of other people trying to bring other people down, but really, you have more control than you think. You can't control other people, but you can control what you think of yourself. People can think anything...they can bring others down to make themselves feel better.

Anyway, if it isn't obvious, I struggle with what other people say about me. But I know that I am not perfect and I have work to do to make myself a better person. It does feel better when I do tell myself things that I know to be true about myself. Positive things...not negative things. When you beat yourself up, you are agreeing with the other person who is trying to bring you down. Labels or names dehumanize another person. If you call someone something, then you fail to see them as a person, because you see them as that label.

Anyway, we're all not perfect, but that means that we all have work to do. Which feels better? To believe that you're nobody or worthless, or to believe that you have worth and that you're somebody. I find that the latter works better for me.

Anyway, words are powerful as they can stay with you until the day you die. But really, the words should not control us. We should control the words. (I love Kiasmus.)

Anyway, what you must be careful about is thinking more of yourself than is true. Nobody is better than another. I believe that because we are all like each other with the same nature. Sin. But you've got to realize that people are just like you. They feel the same things, the may even feel the same way, but people are people and we don't always get along. People...the human race...It's not this simple to bring people together. There's a lot of bad feelings going way back. But I do believe that God is still present in this world and He can bring good where there is bad. Anyway, enough of my ideals. I don't believe that words alone will make or break you. This is just a way to deal with the words. We all have work to do.

I need to eat

I didn't eat last night. I slept the whole day and slept at night too until work started. I felt horrible all day at work and I think that people could tell. I looked in the mirror and I saw someone who looked pretty horrible. I guess I looked how I felt. To anybody at my workplace reading this...yeah, my apologies...

I can't imagine what it's like to be hungry all the time...I guess I'll have to get a good job later on. That or stop spending money on stuff I don't need.

I'm so tired. I don't know if I'm going to go to fellowship tonight. I think that it might be wise to just relax this whole weekend. One of my other friends has graduated from seminary. She is having a party at her house, but I'm thinking that I'll probably just stay home.

Have any of you felt like you are living in limbo? Not necessarily Hell, but just feeling so apathetic toward everything...

Ranting about the different stages...

As a kid, I used to think that I was the best person in the world. Well...I acted like such I guess...maybe not think that. But yeah, I excelled at many things as a kid, because I got some good teachings at school and at home

When I reached my teenage years, I thought that I was the worst person in the world. I wasn't treated very well by people in Jr. High and out of school, and I started to not like myself. I knew that I was doing some wrong things, but nobody helped me. The people that did try to, didn't know how.

High school was a turning point. I actually got some help that changed my life. The help didn't change my life, but it gave me some direction that I could choose to follow or not. I followed it and I made some better decisions. It wasn't easy, and I hated high school, but I did become a better person, because of the choices that I made.

College was the time of my life. I actually made friends and people talked to me. I was able to have some conversations, even though my basic conversation skills weren't that good, people were a lot more mature than in high school. It was my first time living away from home, and I enjoyed it so much, that I didn't even call my parents for 2 months one time. haha. It taught me more about myself and how I grew up vs. how everyone else is. Nobody grows up the same as someone else. We all have different experiences, but from the same family, you learn that you really are like your family in many ways in comparison to many different people out there.

Now, I'm in the work stage of my life. I'm still learning how to talk to people here. School is similar to the working stage of your life, because you do have something in common with the rest of the people at the same place. But really, at my workplace I really don't know how to talk to these guys sometimes. They're not bad people, but I just find that I really don't know what to talk to them about. They joke around with each other about work and stuff. They're pretty cool. But yeah, I'm still trying to get comfortable just being there.

One thing that I'm trying to do is to not look at people as this or that, but as people. I have trouble sometimes...because I think that people don't like me from time to time. But I know that we're all trying to live our lives the best we can. Sometimes we don't agree on things.

I don't know if any of the guys at my workplace know Christ. I might be maybe one out of 60. I don't know. I do know that I have not been a very good witness to my co-workers. All I do at work is work. I hardly talk to them, and sometimes I just want to go home after work. Everyone has their own lives outside of work, and I think that we just come to work to work. It's hard to talk to people when you're at the end of a conveyor belt, and you're trying to work fast. Also, when you feel like you're not being a good witness, it makes it that much harder to share Christ. I feel like such a poor witness.

I think that sometimes I just don't care. Sometimes I just want to keep to myself. I don't see myself sharing Christ to anybody at work. I don't care and they don't care. There is no friendship there, only co-worker relationships. There are friendships at work, but not with me. I'm always in a bad mood at work. I think that because the sun's not up and we're indoors when it does rise, it doesn't help at all. There are other reasons too...but I'd rather not get into those.

Don't get me wrong. I like and dislike my job. It's a good job in that I feel like I accomplish something everyday. But I feel like I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my life. I don't see myself doing this for more than 1 year. I know what I need to do and I'd rather not post it. But I know what I need to do.

Anyway, this is just a rant. I have this job and it's the place where I belong for right now. I guess I have work to do. What do I really want in my life, or to do with my life?

Senior Sendoff

I saw some old faces last night. It was a good time, but I was really tired. I wanted to go home. I didn't want to talk...I just wanted to sleep. Well, it wasn't that extreme, but I had fun there talking to people.

The themes for the night seemed to be to "trust in God despite how hard things get." The whole worship set was like that. When life is good, hard, and unbearable, trust in God, always. I found that a good message to the seniors who were graduating. Life is going to get harder when you get out of school. You're not in a bubble anymore, but you're being swept into the ocean.

Carolyn gave a message at the end. When the disciples were crossing the lake and straining at the oars, Jesus had some powerful words to say when He came to them. "Take courage, it is I." I'll sum this up...in life she mentioned that through the difficult times when we're straining at the oars, she hopes that we can hear those words and see Christ there. (Something like that...I think...) Anyway, John 15:5 says, I am the vine, you are the branches, if a man remains in me and I in him he will bear much fruit. Apart from me you can do nothing.

I found it encouraging in my own life...when I didn't have a job for awhile and I was wondering where I was going, God was there and still is. The struggles that I went through through post college life for this first year have taught me some things that I found important. This world is not a nice place. And God is there and He loves me regardless of what this world thinks of me. I also learned that I need to keep growing in my walk with Him. God is still teaching me that I need to see that God loves everyone else too and that I need to have the same attitude and caring. I still fail at that, but I'm becoming a little more understanding of other people...I think...you'd have to ask someone who knows me. And when I think about this, I think about some of my friends that I'm having trouble with and I'm thinking...that's still being worked out.

But I'm seeing that I just need to not take things personally and not get angry at things. One of my former roommates told me..."Don't get angry if people don't respond in the way that you'd like them to." Really, we all have free will and we're all people with individual feelings and thoughts. Wouldn't it be boring if everyone responded the same way? It's not easy, but I think that I'd rather have things this way and people not respond as well to me than to have people always respond well to me. I have some things that I need to work on and I know that I can become a better person.

Playstation 3

Okay, regardless of what I just said in my previous post, I was eating my breakfast as I was reading an article about the PS3.

Anyway, Ken Kutaragi announces stuff about the PS3. You can find the article here.

All I can say is, later versions of the PS2 in Japan were able to record tv shows on their hard drives and burn them to CDRs or DVDRs on the PS2. I'm not sure if that's true...but I'm sure that a lot of better things in Japan don't come out here in the US...sometimes not until much later. I'm hoping that Sony will send out the updated versions of the PS3 as they update it through the years so that it will be more of what they are claiming they are making it to be.

Anyway, now, to start work.

I'm thinking that I need to do a lot more reading, and a lot more meditating...I have some things thst I need to do. Nothing to do but start.

Sunday...the busiest day of the week

This sunday was good. God answered some of my prayers. I have a better direction as to where I'm going.

It was also bad, because I probably ruined some of my friend's weekends by not keeping my mouth shut. I should have not mentioned something. I hope that they worked things out. Maybe God will do something.

It was also a party. Went to G-Dawg's house for his birthday. His girlfriend sent out an evite to people. She mentioned to forward this to others, but I wasn't thinking...what's new? Some of my friends didn't come...If they didn't get the evite...then how would they know? ugh...But I'm glad that I went. G-Dawg is a great guy and I was glad to celebrate with him.

Anyway, all I can say is, Sundays break the routine of the week. It can be the best of times, and the worst of times sometimes. But looking back, I'm glad that I went. Experiencing what it is to be human...I've never really had a community growing up. My family was pretty much all I knew. When I came to college, I experienced things that I haven't experienced before. I didn't know too many people in High school, and I was determined to change that in college.

Anyway, I wrote some spiritual stuff, and just deleted it. I think that people can take my words and twist them to their own purposes. So I think it best that I deleted my thoughts. Teaching can be useful, but that's not what changes people's lives. I don't believe that hearing a good message or learning about what's right changes you. It can help, but that's not what changes you. Thus I deleted it.

Anyway, what I'm learning lately is that I am nothing...and I am like everyone else. heh. If you're wondering where I'm getting this stuff from...read "Letters from the Desert" by Carlo Caretto. Don't get me wrong...we're all unique and we're all special, but we're all human, hence not perfect. I'm finding that I really need God more than ever.

Not a bad day

Today was much better. I think that praying helps a lot. I don't know why it was much better, but I felt a lot better. I think that inside, however, I was still angry and cussing. Yeah, I don't cus out loud that often, but inside, I tend to think negatively if I hear it a lot.

At work people cus from time to time. There's one guy who just yells at the top of his lungs at someone. I really don't know who that person is, but it sounds like he's yelling my name. My name is really common, so it's not surprising that there'd be another guy with the same name, but it's kind of weird sometimes. Anyway, he doesn't do that often, but he gets really angry at something from time to time. I think it's because he cares that he does his job well and he can't do his job because of dirt on the label obscuring the barcode or just how sometimes packages have their labels torn off from being shipped place to place, so there's no way to find out where this package is supposed to go to. It's just sitting there. Hence the swearing.

I have been more negative since I started this job, but I have also been more positive too. Being stuck in your house and having barely any contact with anybody (now that I'm out of college) really takes a toll on your health, both socially and mentally. I was feeling isolated and alone. Now I feel much better being around other people regardless.

My co-workers didn't say anything to me today. I got the sense that things were worked out or have cooled down. Don't know why...but maybe I was not acting like such a punk today, even though I was inside. Yeah, I have things to work on.

Anyway, I'm glad for the long weekend. Maybe things will work out better next week. All I can say is, that I'm thankful that God is in my life.

Emails...

I got an email from a "Single Christian" website. I'm thinking...yeah...do people really want to go to a website to find their spouse? You never know who the other person is or what stalkers are out there. I deleted it, because I don't believe in meeting people online. I think that it's just dangerous and people can say the right words, but you can't get the inflection of how they're saying it, or other body language from an email or IM. All I want to say about this is, BE CAREFUL about who you talk to online. From experience, I've learned that there are people out there who are looking to hurt someone else. Not because they're born bad, but some people have had hard lives and messed up experiences. Sometimes innocent people get taken advantage of and hurt.

Things are changing rapidly. New technology is coming out. Older people like me are feeling out of date. I could imagine not being able to figure out the latest technology if I don't keep up. With these are new ways to get information about people and use that against them. So be careful what you put online.

Maybe I'm out of date, but I do believe that there's something special about doing things the old fashioned way. Like writing a letter or having a conversation with someone in person. Even though I'm not good at talking, I do find that it gives me more joy to talk to someone in person than over the phone. However, if I'm cranky, then I'd rather not talk to anybody...that's when I should usually withdraw and go home. Sometimes, I feel like I don't want to be around people. I guess there's nothing wrong with that, but I can't be by myself forever.

I guess I need to initiate things...

Work and life

I look at all I bought this past month and I think that I could have spent my money better. However, some were gifts, so it's not totally wasted on myself.

I'm looking at my paychecks, and I'm seeing that I don't earn that much. I wonder exactly how the other guys survive on this measley income. I'm thinking that they probably have two jobs, or are using this job as a way to earn some income until they find a better job.

Then there are those who are trying to become managers within the company. I think that it is pretty tough to become one. It's easier to get a full time job there than become a manager. I don't see too much of a future for me there. This is mainly a place for me to earn something until I can find a better job.

Over the past month, I've thought about what I want to do. I'm thinking that Japan seems like the only option for me to get anywhere in life. I am thinking that for my personal growth, I'm going to have to go to Japan and live on my own for a year or so. I think that it was good that I didn't go this year...I just can't explain why, but I think that I would fall further down the spiral if I did go. I'm making better habits daily from my struggles at work. Really, this world is pretty dark. I'm not saying that I'm any better, but really, I think that I cause some of my own problems with other co-workers. Then they take it to the next level. Oh well...

I'm sure that things will get better over time. I have hope that this job is going to help me to become a better person. I'm seeing that really, I don't have to be afraid of people. Even though people may dislike me, I'm sure that things will work out.

Really, the most important thing is not what other people think about me, it's what I think about myself. Getting even deeper, the most important person in your life determines a lot in your life. That is why I think that I need to pray and read the Bible more...God is good and He thinks that I'm great, as He thinks all people are great. Regardless of what we may think of others or what others think of others (even about us), God loves all people and He thinks we're all great...even though we're nothing more than broken vessels that don't really do very much good.

I'm learning that God can use anybody to make things better in my life. However, I'm seeing that it really depends on how I react and how I take things. Without God, I'm sure that things would become much worse. However, I'm thinking that things are getting much better. Not that things are easier, but I think that these hard and bad experiences are teaching me, as one of my friends commented about his job at a warehouse, "more about myself." Really, I think that struggles help a person to grow. Not saying that you should ask for struggles, because I really think that that's not a good thing to ask for...but saying that you really learn more about man and you really learn more about God's love for us.


I wonder where I'll be in three years. I hope that I'll become a much better person than I am right now. I know that I have a lot of work to do. Hopefully, I'll be able to make friendships with other people at my workplace. But we'll see. I think that things are not as bad as they could be. They could be much worse, but I'm hoping that things will become much better. All I can do is pray, keep my eyes and ears open, and also try to do what's right.

Thinking out loud

I'm feeling much better about myself. I'm realizing that I'm in a really bad mood every time I go to work. I feel like I just want to not go to work sometimes. But after work, I always feel better. I'm wondering if I should really look into another job.

Salt of the earth, light of the world...I don't feel like I'm either at my workplace. I feel just the opposite from time to time. How can I converse with people whom I really am unsure about? I guess the answer is to talk to them and find out more about who they are. They're not bad people, but I feel like I can't talk to them. Maybe it's the things from the past that I feel are preventing me from trying.

Anyway, I just feel like people are there to work. Not to socialize that much. When work ends, we all take off to our respective places. During break, we just sit there and rest while some guys talk, the rest of us are lost in thought or listening.

Anyway, I guess I don't have to do anything. I don't have to try to make friends with my co-workers. I feel better about myself, because I see that they don't harbor any bad feelings towards me or anything like that. Or at least I think they don't. haha.

But I know that I don't know them, and they don't know me. We just go to work to work...nothing else. The one guy that I did talk to got released. Well, I guess I just need to just not worry about anything. I mean, I don't have to do anything...I don't have to talk to my co-workers, I don't have to reach out to them. But part of me says, at least try to talk to them.

I know that things will be alright regardless of what happens. I guess just hanging around them I hear their conversations and what things are going on in their lives, even if it's just a little snippet.

I'm seeing that I have some work to do in my own life. Clean up my act and act like a grown up. I feel better about myself, because I was beating myself up and I caught myself before I got thrown down. Negative thinking can be countered. 2 positives for every negative thought. Also a counter that is what I know to be true helps too.

Anyway, I've babbled on and on in this post. But yeah, mostly this is about my thoughts about work and my own ways of dealing with them. I was just thinking out loud.

I think that I'm starting to become better at not beating myself up. Positive sounds weak, but it feels a lot better. Thoughts are pretty powerful things. All I can say is, be careful what you see in real life, because those give ideas as to what things you think of. Thoughts lead to actions sometimes, not all the time, but without the thought, the action usually doesn't occur.

All I can say is, I've got to read the Bible more often and find ways to put them into practice.

Work sucks, but it's a blessing

I had a horrible day at work this morning. I didn't get that much sleep, so I was feeling cranky. I woke up late and ate very little, which also helps me to feel not as good as I could. I went to work, and I got there on time. So far so good.

However, when the day started, I couldn't help but feel like I'm not doing my job well enough. I felt like I'm missing too many packages and that I'm not very good at this. It soon went out of control...my negative thinking. Then they put two people to stack boxes on my conveyor belt.

For some reason, I thought that the belt was going faster than usual. I was missing a whole lot more. I was getting angry and voiced my frustrations in a yell. I think that made my loaders a bit angry or uncomfortable. Anyway, I just felt bad the whole day. I think people could sense it too, because they seemed to keep their distance from me.

I was thinking that I should get another job soon. But then I think that if I do, then I wouldn't be able to accomplish my other plans. I want to go to Japan, and I'm thinking that I'll do it after some time has passed.

I am thankful that God is there. I have support in God and I'm finding that I have a lot of growing up to do. God is good. Even though I blamed Him today for my troubles, I know in the back of my mind that He doesn't cause these things to happen to me. I am also glad that He forgives me when I apologize and ask for forgiveness.

Anyway, I have work to do and I need to make something out of my time. I was extremely pissed today, but I have cooled off and I can thank God for that.

I clocked out of work today and after it calculated my time, it said 4 hours and 30 minutes. I was like...what...did I forget to clock in yesterday? Then I remembered that it was Monday, not Tuesday. haha

Yesterday was a busy day. My parents are out of town and my brother came back for the weekend to help me with the dog. Thank goodness for family that helps out! Taking care of this specific dog is a lot of work! I guess that's true with many dogs, but man...how many dogs take 3 walks a day? I guess in his old age, he's starting to take only two...but usually it's three.

Anyway, I left church early and didn't eat lunch because 1. I was cranky from not getting too much sleep the previous night. 2. I needed to get sleep so that I could take my brother home at night and walk the dog, then get more sleep. I sleep during the day most days...particularly Sunday. Yeah, I wasn't all here yesterday.

Anyway, there's some other things going on which I'd rather not talk about. Really, it has nothing to do with the new people...or even one particular person that has been here for awhile. It has to do with my own personal problems in changing to new things. I mean, if I can't change, then I'll get angry at things which I can't help. Or worse yet, people will try to adjust specifically for me and it will be the way it was before...which is not good. Change for me is tough to deal with, but I think that it's necessary so that people and myself don't get too cliche-ish (clickish) and we learn how to welcome others. I'm realizing that I have to get more involved in talking if I'm going to survive in the real world. In the "safe" places, I'm going to have to take more risks and take greater risks in the real world...

All I can say is, I need to do something different and learn how to verbalize things better. I'm getting pissed off more frequently at little things. I think this all has to do with not spending enough time with God and praying for others...Plus I haven't picked up the Bible in a couple of days and I need to get on that.

I didn't go

I decided to stay at home after I saw how hard it was raining down here. I figured, it might be a good experience, but I really don't want to get wet and sick in this crazy torrent.

I heard today that in the area that they did the revival, it didn't rain. The rain stopped. That's good...

I am starting to wonder if I missed out. However, I know that I've done way too many things I shouldn't have done because of my feelings. Feelings are important part of a relationship, but really they don't define a relationship. With my relationship with God, I've found that I'm growing out of the feelings of being on top of a mountain to the reality of trying to keep it together. Maybe going would have helped me in that, but I know that feeling good isn't the most important thing. It's choices that I make in daily life.

I can't help but wonder what's going to happen after all this has happened? Will people follow more closely? Will people go out and make a difference in their neighbor's lives? I certainly hope so...even though I'm skeptical.

I can't help but wonder...I guess we'll see what things are to come. Anyway, I will make it to church tomorrow. It has been good these past 4 weeks of consistently making it to church. I do feel more alive these days than I have felt in the past year. However, I still question why I'm here.

There are some things that I wonder about. How do I fix these problems? How do I make sure that things will be alright? Maybe I need to play less of a role and just focus on other things...I don't know...anyway...I have problems of my own that I need to take care of first. Do you think that it's true that one needs to help him/herself before they can help others? I'm not entirely sure about that.

I am wondering if I should keep my promise and go to the movement tonight...or stay home...I really just want to stay at home, but I can't help but wonder what this is all about.

With my condition that I'm in now, I really think that I should just stay at home and rest. I really don't want to go...but to keep my promise...

Maybe I'll just go for an hour and come home after that. We'll see how I feel later on.

I won't be posting for awhile...I've got some stuff to take care of...

Lets just say that I feel like a fool. I am a fool. Anyway, I've got to be more careful about what I write online. People take in words differently than intended. Everyone reads things the way they want to read them, because online, you can't hear tones in people's voices. Plus, this stuff never goes away.

Over and Back again

Anyway, I promised that I'd write more about my trip to the next state, so here it goes.

I went with some friends to the next state. One of our friends was graduating from seminary (Bible college). The trip down was good. We talked about things relating to our church. G-Sak mainly led the conversation. So it was interesting. The trip went way faster than I expected. We were there pretty quick. Thanks J for driving!

Anyway, we get there and meet our friend. We went to this Brazillian or South western Restaurant. (Yeah, I know that there's a big difference...) The food was good and we ate enough to fill our stomachs. Everyone was happy.

Graduation started and we take some turns here and there. We don't know the area too well, but luckily, I'm not driving, so I was doing fine. We get there and all get into one car, because you can only pull up to the place in cars of five people or more. Fancy place, it was.

I must say that it was encouraging to see my friend so happy. My friend is a great person and helped me to come to know Christ by answering my questions. I wonder if my friend wasn't there, if I would have become Christian or not. But then again, a lot of people made a difference too. Anyway, through all that my friend has done and gone through, I'm glad that my friend could celebrate that night.

Anyway it was some good times and I'm glad that I went. I don't know what the future will bring, but I wonder exactly where I'll be. Seeing my friend and where my friend has traveled to in the walk with Christ, I'm truly amazed. I guess I have little faith. But I'm seeing that faith is grown and nurtured.

Anyway, we went shopping the next day and I bought some stuff. Probably too much...yeah, another spending spree...haha. Man, well, I guess now that I have a job, I could spend my money, but then again, there's probably better ways to spend my money. Man, I'm wondering what's going to happen in the future...Do I even want to know? Probably not.

I bought something for my nephew and something for my mom and dad. Also one thing for my brother. The rest was for me. haha. Man, I wasn't even expecting to spend any money on that day. But then again, I have been an impulse buyer for awhile now. Not good...need to spend less.

We came back and the car ride was good again. One of my friends was playing some good music and we were all singing. We talked about personal stuff and I think that it was much needed for me.

I haven't felt that alive in a long time...

Waking up after a good sleep, I feel like a million bucks. There are times when I'm glad to be alive. There are other times when I wonder why I'm here. However, throughout most of my life, I've always woken up feeling better.

Maybe it's no accident that I get sleepy so much.

However, one thing that I've learned is to never go to sleep when you're upset. You'll wake up feeling worse. It's better to write things down first and get your thoughts out, even if they're angry, and heal a little bit. Sometimes it's good to see things on paper so that you can see all of what you're thinking.

I am lucky to have some people who have guided me throughout my life. I was trying to do this thing called "living" on my own and I was getting further and further down the drain. My parents gave me some advice, but I usually didn't listen to them. It's funny how we don't listen to our parents and we listen to other people more. Well, that was true for me. Now I listen to my parents a lot more, even though they make me angry from time to time.

I am feeling good right now. Tonight, I'm going to my Sunday school teacher's house for a get together. My Sunday school teacher is teaching a class on hospitality. Apparently nobody has invited another person to their house for dinner, so my teacher is jumpstarting this and inviting all of us in the class.

Well, I'll miss the good cause concert, but I'm sure that things will go well without me. $15 less won't make too much of a difference. I'm sure that the place will be packed. I probably wouldn't go if I didn't have the dinner to go to, because I usually don't do things at night anymore...except on the weekends and Sunday.

I wrote an earlier post which I deleted, but for me it was just to blow off some steam. Hmm...maybe I should actually write it on paper next time.

Talking with my mom, I'm finding that she really does have some good answers to problems. Sometimes I just like to tell my mom what's bothering me, but usually I don't. The person that I go to the most is God. Sometimes it helps just to get it out and think things through when I'm talking to Him. I'm finding that sometimes it's better just not to tell people things because the truth hurts. But, why I'm feeling this way is that I'm not telling people how I'm feeling and I'm really getting tired.

Anyway, honesty is the best policy. I used to tell people how I was feeling, but then sometimes they'd take it the wrong way. Maybe I said things too harshly or in a way that sounded like I was picking on them. But I really didn't mean to do that. I was just expressing how I was feeling.

Now, I tend not to tell people. Why? Sometimes I just don't want to deal with their arguing or defensiveness anymore. But then I think...who's the one who's suffering? Me...

Forgiveness is necessary. However, when someone keeps doing the same thing, then I'm thinking that I need to express it somehow so that I won't get hurt as much.

People are people. We're all imperfect. Nobody is better than anyone else. This is what I believe. However, there are people who are more complete than other people and that's what makes them more attractive than some others. Do you know what I'm talking about? I'm thinking probably not. Anyway...I'm not saying that more complete people are better than others. More complete people attract people. However, that does not make them better than a person who is lets say, is not liked by anyone else.

I like to think this, because God shows no partiality. He sends forth his rain on the evil and the good and causes his sun to shine on the righteous and the unrighteous. (I mixed up the wording, but it's Matthew 5:45. Check out the passage here.

Anyway, I'm not picking on anybody or condemning anybody. We're all trying to live life. But one of the important commandments is to love your neighbor as yourself. Is it impossible? Should we just give up then? I believe that God can do things that we can't in us if we let Him. Even if we can't do them right now, the process of trying and allowing God to transform you through prayer and His word can get us closer.

Reading "Letters from the Desert" by Carlo Carretto, I'm seeing that he addresses some things that I have trouble with. I would have liked to meet this guy, but he's probably dead.

I think that I have some things to work on. heh

Anyway, don't get me wrong. This is me writing on some things that I've been thinking about dealing with someone that I'm having trouble with. If any of you reading out there have not seen me for awhile, then it's probably not about you. But yeah, I'm still learning how to love those who are hard to love. And I'm still learning how to love myself.

Just got back from a trip to the next state. One of my friends just graduated from seminary. Good times. I'll write more later...

Starting out bad...

Today was just not a good day. I'm glad that it's over.

To start off, I didn't get that much sleep, because I was goofing off. My fault in that, yes. So I wake up on time...luckily, and leave the house.

I'm driving down the road when I run over something that runs in front of my car. It looks small and white. I'm assuming that it was a cat. I doubt a kid would be that small and could run that fast. Plus it was 3am. What else could it be?

Anyway, I get to work feeling really bad that I ran something over. There's a first time for everything I guess.

I'm so tired at work and I'm working slow. Not good, because they send me to another belt later in the day and I have to work a lot faster and since the belt was put on crooked, I had to keep walking back and forth from my station to make sure that the boxes don't fall off. However, a lot did, and that just pissed me off. Not that the boxes were falling, but that I had to do extra work because someone didn't put the belt on correctly.

I cooled down later at the end of work. I realize that nobody's perfect. Even though I wasn't having a good day, there were other good things about this day. I didn't get injured...I didn't hurt anything. There have been days when I would get hurt, only slightly. Bruises and bumps...well, actually I hit my head on a light walking over a belt. It doesn't hurt right now, and I can't tell where the bump is anymore. haha

One guy told me that he saw me loading the trucks a couple of days ago. He told me that I get paid $1 less than everybody else who does the loading. So, while I'm doing their job, they are getting paid more and I'm getting paid less for the same job. My contract says that I'm not supposed to load either...$1 extra per hour for 20 hours is $20 a week. Times that by 52 weeks, that's $1040.

My parents are telling me to seek out another job in the meantime. I would feel kind of bad leaving this job so early, but to find full time work, it might be better. Who knows...I took this job for the benefits and I'm finding that I have to talk to the head boss about getting a number for the benefit people. I never met the guy, and I guess I should try to talk to him tomorrow. I'm wondering exactly how I find this guy.

Well...So far, I've received one paycheck and have worked 3 weeks. I'm thinking that I might stay there a little longer, even though some other jobs are posted at other places. All I know now is that I have to make some decisions.

Well, I'm at that stage where I feel like I just want to waste my life away. Why you may ask...

Well...there is really no reason for that except that I'm tired. In more ways than just sleepiness.

Well...I found that praying helps, even though I fall asleep when I pray. I actually wake up feeling better.

Man, throughout these past few weeks, I haven't picked up the Bible that much and have prayed little. I have been surfing the net too long checking my fantasy sports and auctions online.

Speaking of auctions...man, I need to stop buying stuff. I could feed a family for 3 months with money that I used on myself...man...that's horrible.

Okay, just so that I see where I'll end up in about 3 months, I'm not going to buy anything else that I don't need. Then, save my money. I always cave in at the last minute when some game goes on sale for $15. "But it was $50 just a week earlier..." Yeah, I can imagine buying it for $30 online later when it goes out of print. Okay, if a good deal comes my way, I'll buy it, just because it would cost more later on. However, I won't spend more than $15 a week on that.

So...$15 a week for 3 months...12 weeks...that equals $175. Wow, that's a lot of money. Okay, maybe I should just not buy anything...Ahh forget it...

Anyway, I feel like I just want to waste away. Hmm...I think that I know what's wrong now. Must counteract things bringing me down.

Tiredness

I really don't feel like writing that much, but I think for my sanity, I write. It may not be interesting to other people, but to me, this is something that I do for myself.

I'm reading "Letters from the Desert." I'm reading that because I'm taking a hospitality class at church sunday school. Interesting book. It's written by a franciscan Priest who was rising in status in the church, but left it all to seek God in the desert. He's not alone in the desert. He went to Africa I think, and people live out there. Sahara desert, I mean.

I just scratched the surface of the book, and I plan to finish it by this weekend, or else I'm not going to be able to keep my promise of returning it on Sunday.

Some things I found interesting were the theology that he has in his book, and the practical applications of what's important. He says that he's tired of arguing over theology and wants to get to what's important. What's the use of arguing over theology? (he asks.) The second chapter of the book is named "You will be judged by love." The first chapter tells of his experience of purgatory (whatever that means...I think that it means separation from God.) Anyway, it seems like a good book. The chapter that blew me away right now is, "You are nothing." Funny name for a chapter, but I would say that this is true. He has an analogy of electricity and wires. We are the wires while God is the electricity. The only power we have is to stop the connection. If we keep the connection and then a light bulb could be lit and bring light to the room. Anyway, that was a poor explanation of how he put it, but yeah, pick up the book if you're interested. It's probably best to buy it from a used book store.

The author is Carlo Carretto. I think that they came out with the anniversary edition just recently. It's a pretty old book.

Anyway, make sure that you buy the one by Carlo Carretto, because some others that I saw that are not by him are $50. My teacher bought this book for $3.50 US. The book is kind of like epistles, hence letters...

I'd rather not write the reason for the title...

Hmm.....

There are good times and there are bad times. This past week was both good and bad. I felt like few people cared on the actual day of my birthday, only to find out that when people saw me, they told me "happy birthday". I am wondering if someone told them that it was my birthday. I don't know, but then again, I'm thankful to be remembered regardless if people were told or not.

We went out to Red Robin after church and it was a big group. There were two new guys there, and I kind of wonder how they felt. I noticed that they seemed to not be having a good time there. I didn't talk to them much either, and I probably should have made some more efforts to reach out and welcome them in. It's hard when there's a big group, because it's easier to feel left out. But I did notice that some people were reaching out to them. So I guess it wasn't all bad.

Work...

I almost got to work late. I forgot that we start earlier on Mondays. So while I didn't go over the speed limit...(it's easier to get pulled over late at night), I was still kind of rushing. I was glad that no trains came and delayed my progress. Today was much shorter being that Mother's day is now over. We got out earlier today, but I was sent to help out some of the other guys. I can't say that I know what I'm doing in that sense, but I did help out somewhat. When it got toward the end, I must say that I wasn't doing very much, so while they said that they needed my help, they just sent me home after 15 minutes of standing around.

The bossman told us that we need to stretch before doing work. So I guess I'd better do that. I haven't gotten injured yet, but someone told me that if you work here long enough, you will get injured. Yeah, I guess it's easy to get careless after awhile...or start out careless. The guy that I work with almost had something fall on his head. Not good, because that weighed like 40-50 pounds.

Anyway, work there long enough, and you will get injured. Hmm...I guess I need to take better care of myself, or else I'll find myself without earning an income. Or worse, really injured.

Fridays...then Mondays

I like the weekends. I have days off. However, the guys that I talked to at work today tell me that they work more than one job. One of my supervisors works this job and also works at a department store on the weekends. I don't know if he works during the day either, but I'm sure that he does.

Crazy, some guys are even late to their other jobs because they have to stay late at this job. I mean, we have a deadline to send out the trucks so that the full time people can get their jobs done and get home at a resonable time. But there is now a new system and everyone is getting overloaded. Not me...I have probably the easiest job there, but I get sent to help out the other guys who have tougher jobs.

To explain a little more, we fill trucks up everyday and the full time workers get there at about 8-9am. When the trucks are full, they leave and when they finish delivering all that they have in the truck, then they can go home. With the new system, it seems like some trucks are getting so full that you can't even walk in them. Today, I was given a job to fill a truck, because a guy wasn't here today.

So, I'm putting stuff in one truck. It's not too bad. It's already half full by the time I get there. However, when I finish that one, I'm given the job to help another guy who did half of the truck that I was working on in addition to two others. I think that each person gets two trucks. So he was actually doing 4 trucks, and finished one and a half, and had his own to do.

So I go to the next truck...(the one after I finished) and it's a bigger truck. It's just a mess. There's so much stuff that we had to pile a lot of it in the walkway instead of on the shelves and yeah, the driver has a nasty job today. haha. It was so disorganized that I really don't want to advance in this company to go full time. Now I understand why some people do part time for 7-15 years.

Anyway, they got someone else to help me from another section. He had another job to go to, and he said just pile it in. Yeah, he wasn't parked in the greatest of spots, so he was hoping that he wouldn't get towed. But yeah, he left after 30 minutes of this. He got someone else to help me though, so it was all good. But yeah, I think that the full time people have the worst jobs there.

As I was leaving, the trucks were going out for delivery. However, one guy was complaining to his boss that under this new system, he got here at 9am and finished work at 7:15. He was a driver and that's how much crap he got. Another guy told me that they've been having to fill stuff in aisle everyday for awhile. Well, I guess that's a good thing, because it means that we have customers. The bad thing is, it's not a fun job to do. But hey, it's what we get paid for.

I think that I need to get back into Japanese. I was told that I won't learn Japanese that well by teaching English in Japan. You'll be speaking English for 8-10 hours a day, and with the commute, you probably won't have that much time to practice with other people. Unless you go on the train and practice there, but probably most people just want to do their own things. I think it might be an option to go in 2006.

I'm kind of glad that I didn't go this year, because I could be dead with the earthquakes and train crash. But who knows, nobody knows when they're going to die. Without risks, there's no fun right? Don't get me wrong, do NOT take stupid risks. ie jumping off a bridge or diving in the shallow end of the pool. Sometimes it's better not to do some things.

Anyway, I just thought that I'd write that just in case someone says, "Jon wrote that 'without risks there is no fun!'" I don't know who reads this. But I know of some people who do, and some people who might. But then again, anybody could find this blog.

I digressed from the original topic. Back to that...

Yeah, the job I'm working is a blue collar job. I'm seeing how important education is in getting a job that doesn't require as much manual labor. Really, we get paid very little, and people are working extra jobs to pay the bills. However, I must say that these guys seem more down to earth. I think that I prefer working with these guys...however, I might not say that at the different locations. I was lucky to get a job at this location.

Anyway, I just wanted to stress how hard these guys work. My job is not easy either, but I don't have to do as much heavy lifting. 70lbs baby...70lbs... if it weighs more than 70 lbs we have to get someone else to help us. I don't want to be here forever and work two jobs, (right now I only have this job), but yeah, seeing how people reach Friday, they have to start work again the next day. There's no end sometimes...I don't forsee myself earning enough to support a family at this rate.

Work...injuries

Well...I didn't eat breakfast before I went to work, so I was feeling pretty tired and low all day. My mind wasn't all here when I was working, and it showed. A box fell on my face hitting my cheek. Luckily it didn't hit my eye. I also hurt my fingers a couple of times too.

But the good thing about today was that we did well two days ago, so we got free donuts and powerade. Thanks boss! You're the best! haha. (Like he'll ever read this. I guess I could be surprised...)

Anyway, all the guys at my workplace are hard workers. They do good jobs and I think that it is good that I work with them.

Man, tomorrow, I need to wake up earlier and eat. Otherwise I might get more injuries. I wasn't here today, and I felt like going home when I got to work, but I did my time and I'm glad that today is over.

Now I just need to heal. Hmm...well, it's almost the weekend, I have one more day to go.