I keep thinking that if you're going to do something, do it NOW.

For my whole life, I've kept on procrastinating. As you can see, the things that I thought that I would be at this age never came. The only dream that came true was going to the college that I wanted to go to. That and making friends with some great people. But other than that, I haven't really realized any dreams of mine.

If you want to get something to happen, then you're going to have to work for it. The timing may not come when you expect it to be, but you have to be ready for when it does come. And you have to maintain your tenacity.

The question always comes up, "What if my dream never happens?" That is always a factor in any chance a person takes. Depending on how big your dream is, it may or may not happen . But if you don't prepare for it or try to achieve it, then it won't happen. Is it worth the risk of failing?

Don't get me wrong either. Sometimes, there are stupid risks. Be smart with what you do with your life, or you might not be here for very long.

Hmm...if I never take a chance, then I'll never succeed. If I never try to achieve something, then it will never happen. Work ethic is important. But, I feel like I'm taking the easy way out and doing nothing at all.

I guess I could complain all I want, but unless I actually do something to improve, then I'll be stuck here in the same place that I've always been. I guess it's no use blogging about it. Got to get off my butt and do something.

Something that my pastor said last sunday is going through my mind. "You should always be growing in your walk with God."

I look at my walk and I see that I have not spent enough time with God consistently. I have so much time on my hands and I spend most of it playing video games. I'd say that I'm spending time with God once or twice a week and that is not good enough for me.

I don't know why, but it's always hard to do something that's good for myself. Finding a balance...

Oto na ni narenai

I have one life to live, one life to give, and one life to build right now. I know that I'm not perfect and I make mistakes, but next time, I'll do what's hard instead of taking the easy route out. We'll see what happens...

So why am I here again...?

The place where I work is not bad, but sometimes just hearing stuff there is. I guess that can't be helped.

At my workplace there is this other guy who went to the same university as me. He graduated a year before me and ended up at the company about the same time I did. He used to say, "I went to school for this?" when he would be unloading a truck. I'm in the same boat. I guess. My parents spent all that money on my education and what do I have to show for it? It's sad...yes.

I keep on thinking that I'll probably not find another job any time soon. What have I specialized in? Japanese.

Can I speak Japanese?
Barely, because I hardly use it anymore.

What can I do to improve it? Read Newspapers and study everyday. Also learn the stuff on the proficiency test.

Why aren't you doing it? No excuse, I'm just not doing it.

WHY??? Because I feel stupid.

For the end part of my school career, I've felt really stupid. I guess I understand now why some people hate school. If they fail, then they're less likely to feel good in it. Or, they give up. I can say that it was a variety of things going on in my life. One was that I didn't have very good time management skills. With a lot of things going on, then it's hard to do everything in less free time.

One quote that is a duh statement is, "College is harder than High school." I heard in my Economics class my Senior year when I decided to take Economics for fun. (Yup, smart move taking a freshman weed out class in your senior year.) I would say that that was a good class to take though, because I learned that money spent here is less money that you could have spent there. And that stock brokers can't predict how stocks are going to move any better than you or I could. Anyway, the point that I was trying to make before I got distracted was that I learned things a little later than others. I was still stuck in high school mode for most of my career in college. I actually would have done better in college if I didn't do so many social activities, but then again, I would have missed out on what it means to be human and to learn that I have a long way to go in that too.

I'm wondering why I'm here at this company. But it's teaching me that I still have a long way to go in terms of my maturity and well being. I haven't really dealt too much with people that I met in high school, but I'm finding that the place that I'm working at is very much like high school in some respects. But, I'd say that there are some cool people there that I don't get to talk to and that everyone is doing a job efficiently. There are some slackers there, yes, but even they work hard too for the work that they do. It's not a bad place to work. It's however, not an easy place to work at.

Well, something tells me that I can get out of there if I want to. I just have to do better than I did in college.

Another thing about Economics is that I learned that it's better to specialize in something than to be a jack of all trades. Why? When you specialize in something, you can become a lot better at it than spending so much time on various things and not reaching an expert level on something. What I learned in another workshop separate to this class was that if you work on improving things that you're not good at instead of improving things that you are good at, what have you done?

Lets say you have l

Have you ever felt like you've gotten into a routine that just doesn't end? I feel that way every time I go to work and it reaches the weekend. Then when the weekend ends, I feel depressed that work starts again. I wonder how many other people feelt his way?

Anyway, I think that I'm going to do horrible on my Japanese test, because I haven't been studying. I've been sleeping a lot and playing video games, because it keeps me awake. I won't say why I'm so tired, but those who know me will know why. And, no, it's not because I'm playing video games. I'm wondering if I'll ever make it out of this cycle.

My dog was barking at some guys doing landscaping at the yard next door, so I couldn't sleep for awhile. So I turned on the TV and saw a movie yesterday on HBO. It was called, "Love can't buy you a thing." It is the remake of an earlier movie called, "Can't buy me Love". Basically the story goes on about a nerdy guy who has some friends, but isn't popular. He pays this popular girl some money to be his girl-friend for a certain period of time and he becomes popular.

One thing that I liked about the redone version was that it had some humor in it that I don't recall in the original. The storyline moved at a good pace, and I thought that it had some okay points at the end. I thought that the original had a better point after seeing the end just recently while flipping channels. Anyway, I was a little kid when I first watched "Can't buy me Love" and even then I didn't understand any of what the movie was about. But I think that I would like the movie if I saw the original again.

Anyway, enough randomness...I gotta get going on something.

"Dump the attitude, get off your butt and work on it!" That was a line from the movie and I'd have to agree with it.

I keep writing about what I'm going to do, but unless I get down to it and do it, it's not going to happen.

I had a dream last night, or should I say this morning about two friends who are not really in my life that often. I dreamed that they were having a conversation about me. It wasn't the easiest thing to listen to, but I woke up after we all left the restaurant.

I took it as something that something is telling me to get going on what I need to do. I however, did what I expected to do. I played video games the whole day. When I looked up after I reached an intermission, it was already 3pm!

I guess this is something that has been a constant in my whole life. I played piano for 13 years of my life and have not played it consistently since. My teacher would tell me that I've stayed at the same level for quite awhile after she got frustrated at my lack of progress. I used to think that I was really good. That, was my problem.

Nowadays, I feel like I'm not so good and I don't try anymore. Which leads to more mediocrity and deterioration of skills.

Fellowship...

I keep wondering why I go to fellowship. I enjoy it and my friends are great, but I keep wondering, am I really growing? It has nothing to do with how it's being run or what we learn there, it just has to do with me not expanding on what I'm learning and digesting it. I guess if I played video games for one whole day, I should not expect to be growing if I don't work at what I need to.

I guess a relationship is much different than just learning about something.

That's the thing, I'm not consistent. Consistent...that word just opened up another can of worms. Which, I won't go into. I can say that I don't know what to say anymore when it comes down to things. Maybe I should stop writing and actually do something instead of walking around and around and around in circles.

Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. Maybe I should go into video games instead of Japanese. I don't know anymore.

Make a decision and stick with it. Yeah...

Sometimes I wonder how long I'll be at this job. I don't know if they're going to fire me for a whole bunch of reasons going through my head, or if I'll find another job soon. I'm kind of thinking that nobody really likes me at this place.

Someone told me that "everyone thinks you're a saint...it's kind of annoying really." I was kind of surprised. "Saint?" it's kind of weird, because I get the feeling that people don't like me. Plus, I hardly feel like a saint at all. I feel like I'm the opposite.

Anyway, I wonder why I'm here. Why am I doing this job? Two reasons, I need a job, and I don't feel confident enough to get another job in Japanese. Also, I have more time to study when I'm doing a job for only 4 hours.

Anyway, one of my former roommates told me not to worry about things like this. I can see why he's happy, he just lets things be. He doesn't worry about what he can't help and does what he can help. He really is a good guy.

I know that I'm capable of becoming a much better person than I am right now. I was doing really well at one point, then things sort of crumbled. I lost it and I haven't recovered. I must say that it is good that I didn't stay up in the sky for too long, because it is helping me to learn how to deal with problems. But I wonder, do I really want to get well? I want to say yes, but I'm still learning how to deal with success.

When people compliment me, I tend to not take it as a compliment. Mainly because I've always been put down by someone when I got big headed. Maybe that's why I feel like such a loser sometimes.

Okay, I'm going to try to not put myself down and I'm going to try to build myself up. Heh, build myself up. Why is it that I'm always having to rebuild what I once started...

I guess the answer is that I tear it down. heh. Okay, enough depressing things. Have to stick to it if I really want it. If I want growth in my life, then I'm going to have to work at it consistently, and stick to it. It doesn't come easy at first, and some things may never come easy, but if you want growth, then you'll have to do what you should be doing and cut out what you should not be doing. Easier said than done, I know...but I got there once, I'm trying to get there again...

Set your minds on things above, not earthly things (Colossians 3:2)

Work sucks, I know...

I've been hating my job recently. I'm tired of doing this job but I think that I'll probably be here for awhile. I can attribute the factors leading to why I hate my job, but the fact is that I need this job to earn some income. I can't live in my parent's hous forever.

Anyway, there are some good people at my workplace, but there are some people who I can't really understand too well. It's kind of like going back to high school. People have their own lives and problems that they don't tell others about. Plus, it's not like you get to talk to everyone there. Most of the time, I'm barely talking. And sometimes I'm intimidated to talk to some people there.

My supervisor is great though. He is a guy that is worthy of the job. He cares about the people more than the work. But he still knows how to get us to work without making us feel bad. I can say that I'm glad that he's my supervisor.

I'm not sure what to say anymore. I'm tired of working at such late hours and feeling bad almost every single day, because I can't sleep 8 hours in a row. Usually I can only sleep around 4-6 and I fall back asleep later at night before work starts. However, I feel good after work ends.

I guess it's no use complaining about it. If I really want to do something else, then I should work on improving my skills to do something else. I feel like I just don't want to do anything.

Well...I guess there's another way of looking at things. I'm lucky that I have a job. After all that time looking after school ended, I didn't find a job that I could stay for the short term. There were a couple of jobs that interested me, but they required a very long stay...longer than I would have liked. With this job, I can leave at any time that I want. I do a fairly decent job at my work, even though some guys get angry that I miss some of the open boxes, I'd say that I'm catching most of them.

There will always be things to complain about. I've been complaining to myself almost everyday. But, it would be helpful if I looked at what positive things I do have.

I'm alive. I have a job. I have a place to sleep. I'm really lucky to have these things. If I want better things, then I'm going to have to create some skills by learning them. I know that it's not always that easy, but hearing some stories from people who have experienced life longer than me, I'd say that they've all struggled at some point, but things worked out later because they made some good choices.

Anyway, I know that life will never be easy. However, I have the cards that I'm dealt, and I've got to use them and do what I can with them. Man, if I want to get out of this job, it really depends on me.

What's amazing sometimes is how some people who go through hardships stay or become great people. I'm always amazed at some people's faith...how strong it is and how they are not bitter about what has happened in the past. I hope that someday, people will see that in me. But I'm not going to hold my breath. I can't look so far into the future that I forget where I am now. However, I can't stay in one place and feel depressed at where I am.

I'm wondering...what is the next step?

There's that old proverb. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. It may seem daunting to get to someplace that's far off, but you've got to start somewhere. Even if it's only a little step, if you keep walking, then you'll get closer to your destination. However, you have to keep walking in the right direction. And, you have to keep walking. I guess I need to stop the blog and take a step. It's one thing to say something. It's another things to actually do it.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Sometimes it's not the destination that is the important part, but the journey. Growth is more important than receiving the reward. Why? Because to people of faith, your life does not end at death. The soul is eternal.

Gotta keep moving. Regroup and go at it again...

I've found it hard to pray today. I think that watching the 9th episode of "Band of Brothers" yesterday really disheartened me before I went to sleep. It's pretty crazy what kinds of things went on in the past.

I sometimes question why things happen. How could God let this happen? How could God stand by and let people suffer like this?

I know that God knows all the things that have happened, are happening, and will happen. He knows all of this, because unlike us, He is outside of time...or so I've heard people say. Like I or anybody else would know. But, as I've heard in class, God is a god of History, or time. Granted that was in my Hebrew Bible class and the older notions of what God is about. But to me that seems good enough of an explanation.

Anyway, I guess I'll never know why God lets these things happen. I know that it's tougher to be God than to be me though. I just have to trust that He knows what He's doing. I also have to do my part and also be the person that He wants me to be.

History is doomed to repeat itself if we don't remember the past. I'm not sure where we're going, but I think that we're in for some struggles ahead. Just by how things look now, and what's happening, worse things will come. I think that it's because of a lack of understanding on our parts. I really don't know what President Bush is doing. I think that he has made some bad decisions in terms of the environment, the war in Iraq, and just how he has really created the biggest deficit in history by any president, even with excluding the disaster of Hurricane Katrina.

I wonder...with the way things are going now, what will the future bring? And, what am I going to do? What am I going to do...

Right now, I'm going to study Japanese. I may be naive, but I think that this is something that I should be doing. Not sure why though...

Sometimes I wonder...why the heck am I here. I don't know the answer to that. Only that I'm here and I need to do something.

Anyway, I thought that I was going to get fired today, but it turns out that it wasn't anything like that at all. I've been sick the past couple of days and I thought that I wasn't working so well. I was missing a lot of boxes...to me I've felt like I'm working really crummy. Maybe I was, but I've just got to get some rest and recover.

Tomorrow is another day.

Hearing my dog snore while I'm awake studying Japanese before I go to my job makes me really want to do better on this next test. I could be sleeping right now, but because I work odd hours (graveyard) I'm awake and it is taking a toll on my body.

I guess it's no use complaining. Just do what you need to and get it done.

I gave myself some hw to do so that I would finish my study guide before the test. I'm seeing that there's still a lot that I don't know and a lot that I've forgotten over this past year. The term "Use it or lose it" rings true.

You may be asking what test I'm talking about. The Japanese Language Proficiency Test. I didn't pass the level that I took last year, so I'm taking it again. Hopefully, I won't have to take this level over again.

Anyway, I think that I'm going to get some sleep before work...

Revelation...

Check out Max Lucado's book, "You are Special" That basically sums up what I'm thinking right now.

I'm finding that I'm having to relearn to some things. Where I was once before, I've backtracked. I'd say however, that these things that are happening are good things. If I never experienced these things, then I'd say that I'd never grow.

I really need to make some changes in my own life, and to really let things be, even if they don't turn out the way that I want them to. I'm learning how to do that now and I think that I'm making some progress, but we'll see where I end up in about a year or so.

Anyway, God is good. Despite all the bad things that happened to me recently, I'd say that they aren't such a big deal and that these are necessary for my growth. I'm still learning how to handle these things, but really, they are quite small in retrospect. I just tend to make them into a big deal or bad situation.

Letting things go. Not dwelling on the past, living in the present and building a future. One of my friends posted something that was quite good. He's reading this book by Geoffrey Canada called, "Reaching up for Manhood: Transforming the Lives of Boys in America." You can find his post here

Sometimes I'd rather not blog. I don't know most of you, and most of you don't know me. Nothing is built because of this blog, and I'd rather not build things with people because of this blog.

Telling the whole world something just doesn't seem like a good thing. Especially if you don't think about what you're writing.

Anyway, I'm going to be blogging less and writing more in my own journal. This blog has not helped me very much in reflecting and writing what's on my heart. The reason being that it's public and people could get insulted or hurt because of the things going on inside. Not saying that I have anything against anyone for any reason, but saying that words can hurt others in ways that the person saying them may not see.

Plus, I really don't know how people will interpret what I'm saying. Sometimes I'm not very clear because I'm just writing. But words can be twisted and people may misunderstand the true intent of what I was trying to say. Sometimes I don't mean for people to understand what I'm writing because I started this blog mainly for me.

But, really, I don't think that this blog has helped me. Anyway, that's it for now.

Last night at fellowship, I realized that I need to spend more time with God. I've been playing a lot of video games lately, and it has taken up a lot of my time.

Plus, I've been sleeping a lot too. I think that can be attributed to some weight gain and less exercise along with junk food. I think that this is the first time that I've been overweight. Got to do some push ups every night and run on the weekdays and limit those junks.

Must make small steps right now and get farther along the road.

Today was good. I made some good choices, but we'll see how I fare in the days to come.

All I want to say is that I'm feeling either caffiene withdrawal, or sick right now. I'm guessing it's caffiene withdrawal. Hmm...maybe this is a sign that I should quit while I'm not that addicted yet.

All I want say now is, I have more respect for my teachers who put up with me and my classmates. I also have respect for the planning and how well most of them carried them out. It's not easy to teach someone something. Especially if you've never had any training in it. But I think that for the most part, I just need to be clear, direct, and to keep things simple.

Part of me thinks that I'm trying too hard and not getting enough done. But who knows, we'll see what will happen when I go to the interview.

I'm having second thoughts about going to Japan. I've been wishy-washy for a long time about this. I know very little about this company and I know little about Japan. But I think that if I am accepted to go, then I'll take it to see what things are like over there. If not, then it's no big deal. The interview was just practice. I'll accept it as something that I shouldn't do right now if other places reject me. Maybe I'm not ready.

Anyway, the interview is going to last quite awhile and I'm not sure how well I'm going to take it. But whatever happens, life goes on and it's not the end of the world. As long as I'm still living, I can make changes.

Then I think...do I really want to make those changes? I don't know anymore, and I'm tired of saying things. I have things that I need to deal with, and I'm not sure if I'll ever find the answers to those questions. But I've got to keep walking forward. If we meet paths again, then I've got to decide what I'm going to do and do it. Right now, I'm still trying to work on things in my own life.

Maybe I need to retrace my steps...the world is not against me. If things are going wrong in a lot of things, then maybe I need to look at myself and see if I'm the problem. I think that yeah, there are some things that I need to fix. But sometimes, I wonder if it's better if I'm not involved. Maybe for now, it's better that I'm not as involved, but I need to get back into the swing of things. I mean, I can't recover if I don't pick myself up and try again...

I've been trying...more like I've been going through the motions. But really, I need to try some more...

So...what am I supposed to do when I find them?

Overall, the past two days have been really good. I must say that doing social activities helps me to feel more comfortable around people. I felt more human instead of feeling like an angry robot. It helped my mood at work. However, I must say that being tired didn't help how well I worked...but I'd say that feeling human is more important than one day of work. But I can't keep doing bad jobs, or else I'll get fired soon.

Today was pretty interesting at work though...My unloader told me to get my supervisor. I thought...great...my unloader must be feeling really bad. (He has been ill for sometime.) So I called the supervisor. He comes down from the catwalk and sees my unloader. Some exciting converstaion went on in there and I hear him say into the radio, "Crickets on the belt...Crickets on the belt."

I look inside the trailer and see that they're wiping crickets off of the boxes. He then said into the radio, "if any of you find a open cricket box give it to (This lady who's young and pretty) to deal with...(I won't name her)."

I ask him, "What are we supposed to do when we find these crickets?" He replied, "You let them go FREE!!! They were going to be some lizard's lunch, so now they're FREE!" (Emphasis his.) I see some crickets jump off of a box and land on the conveyor belt...only to get smashed by another box in the intersection. A few seconds later I thought that I heard a yelp from one of the guys on the sort aisle.

Oh what a cruel cruel world that we live in.

Okay enough silliness.

I must say that it is pretty interesting to work where I work sometimes. The people are all around my age, except for the managers and for some people who have worked there for awhile. Probably most of the people there are doing this job and another job, or wanting to be promoted when they've spent enoguh time in the system. It's not a bad place to work, but I don't think that I'd recommend this place, because you don't make that much money and it takes a long time to get promoted. When you get promoted, then you make money. But mostly, people use this place as a job for the summer or as a part time job during school.

I think that it has helped me to find at least some purpose in life. Earning a paycheck isn't the greatest thing in the world, but it does feel like I've done something with my time. I mean, I can't eat unless I work, right? Well, I don't know what I want to do. But today was a good day and good enough to distract me from the realities of the harshness of life.

However, I'd say that probably most others have it tougher than me.

I think about where I'm going in life. No direction....as of right now. The interview for teaching in Japan is around the corner and I'm not sure what to teach in the interview. I'm not even sure if going to Japan will be a good thing for me. But no point worrying...I want to do this and see what will happen. "Want" to do this...yeah right...I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like I'm still a kid sometimes. Not sure where I'm going...not sure what I want...not sure why I'm here. But there's nothing to do but live...participate, and try to make things better. What would I do if I found my purpose in life? What would I do if I found direction? What would I do if I found them? Let them run free in my life? haha I know they're inside somewhere. Maybe they'd be smashed like the cricket when it hits a turn. That's always a possiblity. But there are more than one so that some will run free. (Okay, I'm really weird today.) I'd say that it probably best that I don't know right now.

I'm a loner at heart

One person wrote that, "if you think you can't live without relationships (ie friendships or at least talking to other people,) then it's like saying that you can live without food or water." (paraphrased by me. from Les and Leslie Parrot's book Relationships)

My whole life, I've been a loner. I can say that growing up, I didn't really know how to relate to people. I didn't learn how to talk to others, because it wasn't the most important thing to me. When I tried to communicate, my family would get kind of frustrated at how random I was. I'm still like that today, as you probably know from reading my blog. But I've learned how to communicate a little better since I went to college. Communication is still something relatively new to me and I'm still struggling to get it out of my mouth.

People really don't get to know who I am, because I have trouble expressing myself. Sometimes people don't want to talk to me, because of my lack of people skills. I mean, how would you feel if you were talking to someone who is an adult, but has trouble talking? Or, who doesn't exactly see what he/she is saying until the person reacts in a certain way?

I'm not saying that that happens all the time with me. But it tends to be like that with people who I just meet. Really, my socialization skills have taken a turn for the worse since I left the dorms.

Practice makes perfect

Well, no sense complaining about it. A farmer once told me that "everything is hard. Nothing is easy." I didn't believe him at first, but later on I saw that that's probably true. Everything is hard because it takes some degree of skill to learn and some people are better at some things than others. Learning is never easy, but once you get going, then it will become easier as you gain experience.

That phrase, "everything is hard, nothing is easy" seems unrealistic to me but life is hard. Not many people will be good at something when they first start it. Sometimes people who are good something when they first try to do something have experience in something similiar. People who surf are likely to be good at snowboarding. People who play piano, will likely find playing another instrument not as hard because of the experience of playing music.

I may have some flaws in my argument, but one thing is clear. Nobody starts out being perfect. We may have some strengths that we don't know about, but if it isn't developed by the person who has it, then it will never get any better. Even people who aren't good at something at first, can become really good if they work on it and direct themselves towards goals that they've moving towards.

One thing that music has taught me is that you can't play a very hard piece well if you don't practice it over and over. Practice helps. Just like shooting a basketball from the freethrow line over and over again will more likely help you to make the freethrow later on in the game.

I've thought about this over and over, and yet, getting started is one of the hardest things for me.

Getting back to relationships...I guess if I don't go out there and at least try to relate to others, regardless of how they react, then I'll never learn how to relate to others.

Sometimes bouncing back is more important than how well you do the first time, or the second time. Retrying things and improving is necessary to becoming more successful at something you realy want to do. Trial and error...heh. I guess that's one great thing about life. It doesn't end when you fail. And you can learn and succeed if you keep trying. Not saying that you will, because sometimes you need to look at things about you and what you're good at. But saying that anybody can become really good at something.

Note, it always helps to start early when you're trying to develop skills. Musical instruments, reading, another language, whatever are all best learned now. Later, it becomes harder...

Anyway, with all that said, I still feel like I just want to play video games...heh. I guess I am a loner at heart. If I really want to be happy though, I'm going to need to work on some relational things in myself.

I signed up for the interview, and now I need to prepare for it. If things work out, I'll be going to Japan. But I'm not sure what God wants me to do. I guess I need to pray some more. Who knows, I might not even be accepted to go. If that happens, then I'll just keep working where I'm at now and work on my Japanese. Who knows what the future will bring. All I have to do is keep working and looking for opportunities.

I just know that I need to prepare for what I want to do in the future. It may never come true...but if I don't do anything to prepare for it, then it will definitely never come. Sometimes you get a chance to do something that you want to do. But, if you aren't prepared for it, or you never take the chance to go for it, then you'll never get it.

It kind of makes me wonder...about my own life in the past. If I never took any chances, then I would not have experienced so many good things. When I stopped taking chances, then I experienced a lot less. Less pain, along with less joy. The pain that I feel now seems to grow as I stop taking chances.

It's easy to say something...but it's another thing to do it. I feel like I just want to give up from time to time, but I know that I have to keep walking forward.

I try to be optimistic...but lately, I've been really pesimistic. I can see why too. heh. Anyway, no sense complaining about things anymore. Got to keep on moving forward.

Something inside of me tells me that I'm not any different from the people at my workplace. Maybe I've lost my identity. Maybe I never really had a strong identity in the first place. All I know is that if you don't stand firm, then you'll fall.

Anyway, I think that I have some changes that I need to make. It kind of makes me wonder if I go to Japan, will the system beat me down so that I'm like everyone else? Or will I take a stand and be known as a gaijin? Or an outcast. I really don't know what will happen to me if I go to Japan, but I know that it's much harder to be a Christian in Japan and other places where they're persecuted.

Already, I've made some choices. What Paul said is true. "God cannot be mocked! A man reaps what he sows." Meaning, if you choose bad things, then you'll receive the consequences of those bad things later on. If you choose good things, then you'll receive the good things later on. I'm not talking about the next life. I'm talking about people's lives in general and what they plan for the future. An explanation is seen in this. If you plant seeds, they'll grow into a plant. Depending on what seeds you plant, they'll grow into their respective plants.

Anyway, I might not be making too much sense, but really, that's one truth that I take from the Bible. It's found in the book of Galatians. Galatians 6:7. You can find the whole chapter here. Anyway, I've written this time and time again, and it seems like there's no progress.

I think that I have no commitment to anything right now. I'm just drifting. Of course I still believe in Christ. But then again, how committed am I? I don't think that my life reflects Jesus. I think that I have to get back to what's important again.

[edit] Okay, what I wrote above kind of seems like Karma. I didn't mean Karma. I meant that if you choose good things in your life, then your character or things about you will grow in that way. If you choose sin in your life, then you'll also grow in that way too. Anyway, I don't understand everything there is in the bible, but I do know that every choice has consequences. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. But it will change you in some way.

Anyway...yeah...

I just played Lords of the Realm III for about 2-3 hours. I'm still on the first mission. I finished the tutorial and have learned the basics of how to siege a castle and some tactics of changing formation in combat.

Each Knight has a their own garrison that they're in charge of. Instead of controlling individual troops, you control a unit of troops depending where your knight is. Usually, they're divided into 20-30 troops per unit, unless some get destroyed in the battle. In that case, you'll have to get back to your own land to replenish and retrain troops. Usually one knight in charge of one piece of land and trains units into what he knows how to make them into. Usually one class. So unless you combine forces with another knight, you probably won't have one knight controlling more than one type of attacker.

Classes range from Calvalry, footmen, swordsmen, warriors, pikemen, archers, crossbowmen, different types of siege equipment attackers, along with the leader of each group.

It's a pretty interesting game, but the main point of the game is to follow history and take over Ireland, or England, and some other countries. You also have to feed your armies, so you need to have serfs on some lands. If you want to hire other mercenaries, you'll need a city that they can visit.

Anyway, I'm going to play this some more when I get home, and hopefully, I'll beat it. But yeah, it's a pretty interesting game. It also goes down to a political level, but it's pretty basic. Declare war, offer peace, give a gift of money, offer an alliance, break alliance, etc. One thing that lacks in the this game is pictures of the other leaders that you're dealing with. All you get is text messages. I guess in a game that doesn't stop, it would kind of be annoying to get a picture of someone else blocking your view while you're trying to siege a castle. Getting hot oil poured on you because you're not paying attention tends to cause frustration when your unit dies.

Anyway, this is a game for people who like games like Warcraft, but aren't that good at them. Lords of the Realm III isn't an easy game, because it does require strategy and multi-tasking. But it is definitely a lot easier than Warcraft.

Horrible...but still not that bad

Man, I had a really bad day today. Just things building up kind of exploded. Not necessarily things from work, but that was just the last straw that let everything go sour.

Anyway, even though I had a bad day, there are so many others who have things worse. Feeling bad is one thing, but actually experiencing bad things is another. All the people homeless from Hurricane Katrina really need some help. Right now, the things bothering me are small compared to what's bothering people who might not have enough food to eat.

Anyway, in regards to the things that happened to me, they are really not that big. In regards to the other things that are bothering also, they are not that big compared to someone who might be living in a war zone.

Anyway, I guess I should count myself lucky that I'm not any more worse off. I actually have things pretty good, if I look at it with the right attitude.

One thing that struck me from last Sunday's message was that the speaker was talking about a group of Pastors who went from North America to Central America. They met with pastors in Central America and did ministry...I think...When it came down to prayer requests, the Central American pastors all had ministry prayer requests and no personal prayer requests.

That struck one of the North American pastors. He mentioned that the people down here have experienced the bitterness of life and yet they know what's really important.

One of the main points from the message was, "Are we acting like Citizens of the Kingdom of God, or are we just there soaking up what we can?" In retrospect of my past few years, I feel that I've been just watching, not participating. I've said that many times, and I feel like when the rubber hits the road, that I'm not doing what I should. At work, I feel like I'm just there doing my job, not doing anything important.

Maybe I just don't care anymore. Maybe I don't...I have wounds still, and I guess I need to heal them. Move on, or sit there...two choices. Well, with all the things in my life that suck, they're really small. I guess I just have to keep walking.

Today, one of the other guys I work with parked in a different spot, closer to the street. He was telling the other co-worker that on Friday someone broke into his car. Kind of crazy, because they could have easily broke into my car also, but didn't.

Anyway, I can see how a bunch of cars parked out in the middle of the night could cause some temptation to look inside of them. He wasn't the only guy that got his car broken into either. There must have been a group of people who were stealing stuff from the cars in the parking lot.

I wondered why they didn't steal anything from my friend's brand new car, but there's no locks on his car, so it's hard to break into. It's one of those cars where you have a mini door opener radio thing, or something like that, and it opens up the car.

Anyway, I'm just glad that I wasn't out there when they were stealing all that stuff. You never know what people are carrying when they're committing a crime.

I guess one lesson that I learned today was that you should never leave anything valuable in sight when you park. They didn't break into my car, because there was nothing of value in sight. I always hide my glasses and I put my cell phone in the glove compartment. I guess I'm lucky, because they could have broke into my car, taken my cell phone, and I'd have to pay to get my door fixed, like my other co-worker needs to do. $284...for a new lock.

I'm re-reading some of my blog entries, and really, they have no focus. haha. Oh well...I can see why people don't like talking to me from time to time. They're on one topic, and I jump from here to there, and then back again. I think it just annoys people.

Hmm...when I think about it, I've always been random. It has been only recently that I learned how to stay on one topic. But I don't practice that that much. Only in converstaion when I catch myself.

Hmm...I'm still having trouble focusing I guess. Strange...I used to be able to focus a lot easier when I was younger. I think that playing music helped a lot. I used to play piano.

When you're sitting there and you have to play one song over and over again to try to get it so that it is better than when you first started, I guess that can have an effect on the mind. Similar things that require focus...Sports, and...studying? Hmm...they're all good.

Yeah, maybe I should put away the video games for awhile. Or at least limit them...I probably won't though...heh

I'm wondering if I should get a new job, or stay at the job that I'm at right now. Someone commented to someone else that I make it seem like the job I'm at now is the worst job in the world. heh. I guess I can be cynical from time to time. But that's only because I'm really feeling tired everyday when I go to work. What can you expect if you work at night?

I was feeling like a slacker today. I feel like I just want to go back to sleep when it's time for work. But I went, and I did my work...slowly. Tired...yes. I guess that's what I get for playing video games all day yesterday. Yeah, video games...I love them so much. Maybe that will be problem later on. heh.

Video games, or improving your life...it reminds me of the article that my friends posted on my door. I was living with my first ever roommate. He played Everquest all day and all night. It was sad, because he did poorly in school, because he played that game so much. The article was about a woman married to this guy who played Everquest when he woke up, till he went to sleep. He didn't spend that much time with her. She even played online with him, in the same house on a different computer, but he still didn't as much attention to her as she would have liked.

One thing about online games is that they have a community. You'll probably never see some of the people, or even know what they look like, but you know their screen name, and you can have a conversation with them also. It's like playing a game and talking at the same time.

Back to the article...she got fed up. She gave him an ultimatum. Which one will you choose? Everquest...or me? He chose Everquest. So they got divorced.

Sad things like that that ruin people's lives. My roommate said that Everquest wasn't even a good game. It sucked, but he spent so much time in there, that he just couldn't stop. "I'm going to sell my character," he would say...but I don't know if he ever did. He played the game until we parted ways, and I don't know if he playes Everquest 2 now. But, he has so much potential, yet he just threw away part of what could have been a great job in the future. His school paid for his time in video games and he gave up on going into medicine, even though he is really smart and a good guy.

Anyway, makes me wonder what I really want in my life. I wanted to go into video games as a job. But I didn't like programming...which is one thing that someone who creates video games should know. Making models, whether code, or animation is what many people are looking for...or so I read on the MSN article archive. Video games...tough business. I think that I'll pass. Maybe writing would be better...hehe

Really, I'm not sure where I'm going in this life. But I think that I need to keep moving forward...to keep improving.

I'm wondering if I'll ever get things right in my life. But if I keep trying to make things right and analyze why something went wrong and correct it, or ask the person why something went wrong and learn from it, I'm sure that thing will turn out okay. Even if they don't turn out the way I want them to.

There will always be hardships. There will always be troubles. But the thing is, you've got to see what you have right now, because if you're not satisfied right now with your life, then you'll have a harder time later. Things will never be enough.

I'm not saying don't work for better things. What I'm saying is, be happy right now with what you have. Things could be worse. But they'll never get better unless you make them better. I'm not saying to force things, but what I'm saying is, with time and the right efforts, things can get better. Not saying that they will. But they can.

10 years ago, I thought that I would never experience any good in life. It was pretty horrible for me. I didn't have many friends, and I thought that everyone hated me. But, things got better with hard work and learning to care for people.

That's just me. It will probably be different for others. Anyway, what I'm saying is, you won't get anywhere, unless you walk toward that goal. It may not be as you expect it. But, good things do come from time to time, if you're ready.

I guess this was more for me than anyone else. Right now, I'm wondering where I am heading in life. I guess I need to be happy with what I have right now.

Sometimes things aren't always as you see them. Sometimes, there is something else behind what you think is happening. I've said this before, and I'll say it again. We don't know everything, and sometimes we need to ask others why they did something. Sometimes we need to tell others that we were hurt by them. But we need to do that in a way that is not condescending and not attacking them, but true and honest to how we feel with respect for the other person.

Anyway, just things going through my head. People tend to let things bother them, and stay under their skin until they die. Sometimes there's no closure, because we don't talk things out. Sometimes we don't know how to say things in the right manner. But, I do believe that things can be healed if we take the steps.

Anyway, I know in my own life that I still have some skeletons in my closet. Talking things out with others that I had problems with helped out. Sometimes, when I did talk to some certain people about my problems with them, they couldn't take it, and they thought it was an attack against them. I guess I could use some work on how I say things to other too.

But, I know that some things are out of my system now and I have closure. I'm just glad that I went through the pain and uncertainty to express how I felt.

Some things are in my heart right now, but right now, I don't feel ready to share them. Maybe now is not a good time...plus I wouldn't share them on a blog either...

Staying at home

I decided not to help out at a camp that I helped out at last year. It was a great experience, and I wanted to go back, but I really felt that I was not in the best spiritual health to serve. I can attribute that to my laziness in doing devotions. Plus, I felt that God didn't want me to serve even though I wanted to.

I served last year, because I felt that I should take a step of faith and try to do something to serve others. I still have flaws and I remember one incident where I told a kid to be quiet...it kind of reminded me of when my brother would tell me to shut up. Anyway, the other kids couldn't work because of all the noise, so I told him that he needed to be quiet. I hope that I didn't scar him in any way. Because I know that I became a quiet kid because of all the people telling me to be quiet. ugh...

Well, my friends are helping out at a camp now, and I'm thinking...I could have helped out...but right now, I don't feel like I want to serve when I myself am struggling.

In other news, my nephew is visiting us with my sister and brother in law. My nephew seems like he's going to be a great guy when he grows up. But, for my sister and brother in law, it seems like they're really tired. I wonder if I'll ever had kids someday. I wonder if I'll be as good of a parent as they both are.

Work...

People are quitting this job. For some reason, there's always someone ill. heh. Anyway, it's not necessarily the best place to work at, but it's a job, and it's decent work. I'm wondering when I'll leave. I'm kind of tired of waking up at odd hours, but I know that this job is better than not having a job.

I hope to go to Japan soon...maybe next year. I'm going to apply to different programs...I think that I need to pray about direction. Japan...it is such a great place, but it has problems like everywhere else.

No place is perfect, regardless of the good things about it. I guess that's one reason why we say that we live in a fallen world. Actually, we say that we live in a fallen world because of another reason, but I won't get into that. But yeah, the evidence is clear, we do live in a fallen world. Bad things can happen to anyone.

Right now, I'm not sure why I decided to go to Japan, but I really think that I need to experience some growth in my life and to learn how to adapt to a new culture. Japan helped me in so many ways before. It's kind of strange how things fit together...but I know that it's because my brother and others were praying for me. Because of good choices that I made, things worked out a lot better. Really, what you choose to do will make a difference in your life. Even though it may not be apparent at the time.

Now that I'm further along the road, I see the mistakes and good choices that I made. I would definitely change some things that I did in the past. I guess, there's no changing the past, but only changing right now.

I really wonder where I'll be next year...but I know that I have choices to make with my life day to day, minute by minute.

I guess I'm thankful that I'm still alive. If I were dead, then I couldn't do anything anymore.

New sleeping schedule

I'm trying out a new sleeping schedule because I'm finding that I'm not doing so well on the weekends when I switch from a 5pm-2am sleeping schedule to a 10am-6pm sleep, and then back to the former on Sunday.

Anyway, we'll see how things go from now on. I woke up about an hour ago and I feel kind of tired, but no more tired than I used to feel when I would come back from work.

Anyway, I'm sure that I'll feel much better not having to switch my sleeping schedule every 5 days. The only hard part comes when church is going. That's when I should be sleeping. I guess in the end, it matters more to go to church than it does to maintain a consistent sleeping schedule, but I'm thinking...maybe I need a new job.

No sense complaining. I'm lucky to even have a job that will help me out. Who knows where I'll be later on because of this job. Hopefully, it will help me to get a better job and not something else that I won't like. But I'm thinking that it will help me to get a better job.

Really, I'm tired right now. I usually go to sleep at this time...maybe I'll go to sleep...

Sometimes I don't know why I'm here. But that's the thing...I'll never know...

I've gone through a lot in life. Most of it has been inside my own world. I know that I haven't actually gotten past all of my past, but I know that I did receive help, and I was helped to help myself. I am feeling like I can stand on my own two legs now...just barely. I think that I need to exercise them more and to get stronger.

I don't know why I'm here...but life is more enjoyable when I see others experience good things. I wonder where I'll be.

I remember those "create your own story" books, where you'd have a choice of what to do in a situation and then turn to the page where you'll see the result. Kind of like a video game in a sense, however, I didn't like how I never got too far in those books. heh. I kind of thought that they were stupid. But I guess the reason why I thought that was that you didn't have that much control over the result. In a video game, you have lots of control. It's like you're a god. But you do restrictions.

Anyway, I don't know why I'm writing this. It's Friday, and I'm thinking...I need to make my life better somehow. I guess growth never comes overnight, but over many days and years...Giants...I wonder...

Okay...I like to ponder things...

I'm finding that I shouldn't be spending so much money when I'm not living on my own. Really, if I want to get my plans done, then I should save my money and stop trying to buy everything that I want.

I was going to buy a lot of anime, when I realized that I have a lot of video games that I haven't played yet. I also thought that it's not right for me to buy all these things when I'm living with my parents. Really, they're doing me a favor by letting me stay with them. I could be struggling to pay the rent in an apartment and struggling to find food to eat, but they have graciously provided all this for me.

Even if I do get a little angry at them from time to time, I know that I'm supposed to honor them. Honor your father and mother. I know that my parents don't intend to make me angry. They love me. I'm really lucky that they do. They could have thrown me out a long time ago, but they still tolerate me. heh.

One thing that's been going on is that I'm seeing that I need to learn how to be responsible with my life. I can't be doing what's fun all the time, because I really need to plan ahead for my future. But, I can't always be doing stuff for my future either. If there's no social activity, then there's no life.

Anyway, I don't know what to say, but I really need to make something out of my life and make my life worth the efforts that many people have put into it. No man is an island. We all have been helped at one point or another. Maybe in school by the teachers, or parents, or brothers, or sisters, or friends, or relatives. I really want to do something worth while with my life.

I'm finding that at work, things are getting better. I think that the problems that I've been facing were not really that big, and they've become less than what they used to be. The work enviroment is getting more friendlier, and I'm learning how to not take things so personally. Really, people don't really know me all that well. And, I don't know them all that well. I guess I could make some more efforts, but I think that it also takes time and a good attitude.

Really, I am thankful that things are working out better. God is good.

Sometimes it's not like that...

I've been thinking that sometimes things aren't always as they seem. Sometimes when you think one thing, it's really not that at all. Sometimes when you think someone has something against you, they don't. I've been thinking that things have been getting better in my life, because I've come to see that really, people don't have things against me. And if they do, I shouldn't worry about it, because they haven't told me. Just got to do what I know is right.

A lot of talk, but no action

I'm thinking that I need to do more action in my life instead of write about it. heh. Anyway, I see that I might be heading in a different direction sooner or later. As long as I focus on what I need to do, I'll be prepared for the day when it comes...correction...IF it comes.

The day when my dream becomes a reality will never happen unless I make it happen. I'm not talking about going out there and forcing things to happen. That's not what I mean...I mean, sometimes you get a chance in life to do something great. However, if you're not prepared to do it, then someone else will take the place that you could have been in. You might not even be considered if you don't have what it takes when the day comes.

Anyway, I have a long way to go in many areas of my life. And I have a lot of work to do. Excuse me while I stop wasting time today and focus for what little time I have left. Man, I really need to make better habits of getting things done. Also, relating to people...

After another day of work, I'm thinking that I could do some things better. Oh well...participate in life, don't watch it go by. Most of the time, I'm just watching. There are times to watch, and times to participate. Sometimes it's better if you leave too. Yeah, butting into someone else's work or conversation can be bad...but it's not always...

The one person that I can always rely on has been God. He may not give me what I want, but He at least brings some clarity where there is confusion. And trust me, I really don’t understand relationships all that well. But, I’m still learning.

Anyway, one life to live. One life to give.

Makes me wonder where I’d be after college if I didn’t go to AACF. Well…nothing to do but to pick myself up and try again. Sometimes a game plan will work, and sometimes it won’t. But it’s always good to look back and see what we’ve done wrong and try to do it differently when it comes back again.

Makes me wonder…where am I headed to? Where will I be in 1 year?

Translating...

I finished with my translating for the Nintendo DS game. I don't know which game it is, but all I can say is that some parts of the text were kind of weird.

Comparing my translation with the feedback given by the guy who's checking everything, my translation was more literal and didn't fit into American culture as well. I didn't take into account that people just don't understand some cultural things and I focused on what I thought was important instead of what sounded better.

From the classes that I took, my teacher wanted us to get things literal, but at least sounding like they flow. In this game, however, it was more important to get things as close as possible, but to make it fit with how a person would regularly talk in English.

It was a good experience though. I learned that you need to adjust how you write for the audience that you're talking to, in this case, English speakers who probably have no idea how Japanese is spoken. Anyway, I think that I did an okay job. I messed up on a lot of the last text that I did. With more experience, I'm sure that I'll become better. I guess the only thing to do now, is to keep working on my skiils. I don't think that this guy will work with me again though. Oh well...this was my second translating job. The first was volunteer work. I guess I've got to do this on my own for a long long time...

I've been thinking...

that really I shouldn't post such personal info on my blog. Can a person actually build a relationship with someone else on a blog? I don't think so. Can people keep in touch through a blog? I really don't think that that does anything other than inform others about what's going on. Can you change other people through your thoughts? Maybe...but really, sometimes the people who write on blogs are just blogging their emotions or thoughts and not facts. It may not create a positive outcome.

With that going through my mind, I've decided not to post so often about my own life. This blog is going to get less love from me. Why write stuff that anybody can read? Why let other people see who I am when people probably just don't care. I'd rather be a nameless person instead of a person whom people think that they know.

I do not think that this blog has done anybody any good. It may have entertained people with the events of my life, or entertained people with the stupid things that I say or do, but really, I don't believe that this blog is doing anybody any good. Especially me.

With the time that I could have spent doing other things to improve my life, I have blogged and spent a good amount of hours that I could have spent elsewhere. One movie that comes to mind is "American History X".

Edward Furlong played a racist character from what he learned from his brother played my Edward Norton. Edward Norton changed from being racist to being against the racism that he promoted at one time. Anyway, the quote, "What have you done to make your life better?" From the principal to Edward Norton, really makes me think, why am I blogging at all?

I have complained, I have expressed my anger, I have even tried to show what I believe to no avail in making my life better. Writing it down is one thing, but actually doing something to grow is another.

With that said, no more personal stuff about me in this blog. I don't think that this blog has helped me to grow, and I know that growth comes in the real world, not in cyberspace.

Anyway, my life is now private.

No sense blogging right now. Must do something productive with my life.

Why post...nothing's happening anyways. While that's not true in the world, it certainly is in my life.

Realization...

When you know who you are, then it doesn't matter what other people say. All I can say is that I'm thankful...

Thinking...

Have you ever had an adversary? Have you ever had someone who tries to put you down? I'm sure that probably most everyone has. Probably everyone has been bullied at one time or another.

I ask myself, what am I supposed to do? One guy is saying stuff to me at work and I wonder, should I keep on ignoring him? Or should I say something back?

I think that the best thing to do is to talk to the guy and find out why he's calling me these things. Really, he has the problems, not me.

Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me. That is so untrue. Sticks and stones will break your bones, but your bones will heal. Words can stay with you until you die.

Anyway, I'm handling it okay. I have counter what he says and not believe the things that he's saying. But I think that I have got to make my stand sometime.

Really, he's harassing me, and I could get him fired for that. But really, I'd rather not. Maybe it's that I don't want him to be out of a job. But then again, I probably won't stay here for too long. So I won't see him again afterwards, unless I run into him by some chance.

My thinking is that he's trying to get me to say something back, so that someone else will hear and I'll be fired. But then again, maybe I'm giving him too much credit. He could be just saying that, because it makes him feel good.

Anyway, Jesus talked about how God shows no partiality to anyone. He's good to both the evil and the good. Both to the unrighteous and the unrighteous. He loves everyone, regardless of their sin. Matthew 5:43-48. Loving your enemy seems unreasonable, but then again, Jesus died for those who killed him, and He lives today for us. To help one another to come to know God and live righteous lives helping others. If God can love someone who's really horrible, then how much more should we try to do the same?

I think about my own life and how I was doing some things that were wrong. Yet there were some people who helped me to lead a better life than those wrong deeds. I am much happier now, not because of a better life though...

Anyway, "pray for those who persecute you, so that they may be sons of your father in heaven. For he causes his sun to rise on the righteous and the unrighteous, and sends forth rain on the evil and good."

Anyway, I'm NOT saying "take whatever crap that people throw at you." That's not right. But what I've learned is that we're supposed to show them that it's wrong. Maybe I should bring this up to the manager. But there's better ways than that...not saying that I'm going to take this crap. But what I'm saying is, there are better ways of doing things.

Yeah, staying up late while drinking lots of caffiene is never a good idea...must remember this the next time I think that I can pull another all nighter. Time to go to sleep...

Sometimes I wonder why I'm here. Maybe I'm egotistic, thinking about myself all the time. But I usually don't think of all the good things that I've done. Usually it's about all the bad things that have happened to me and that I've done. To a lot of people, these would be small things, but to me, during that time, they were huge.

During that time of my life, lets say about 10-13 years ago, I really didn't enjoy life. I really wanted to get away from everything. I wanted to give up, and I did for awhile.

I look at my life now, and I've come a long way since then. I've reached some of my goals in life, but there's still a lot of room for improvement. I'm not satisfied with the way things are right now. But I should be happy that I'm still alive and that I am where I am.

Being reminded of the past doesn't seem to help me, but I keep thinking about it from time to time. New things come up and it just seems like I'm back where I started.

Anyway, one thing that I know is that I didn't get here on my own. It took a lot of help. I was helped a lot by others. All the time that I felt alone, God was helping me. The help came in ways I didn't expect them. I don't expect help this time, that's not what I'm after. I can help myself now and receive help from certain people, but really, the one that is truly helping me is God.

Anyway, I feel like giving up from time to time, but I know that you can't give up on everything. Some things are okay to give up on. But some things are not.

As of right now, I'm seeing that maybe this job is something that I should give up. Things from the past are coming back in this job, and I'm paying for it. I think also, the environment of this job is not so good either. Well, I guess it was good to start, it will be good to leave.

I just hope that I find a new job with a better environment.

One thing that I was told by someone at the library was that "your worth is not seen in what you do." That person went through a lot of jobs until he found the job that he's currently at and enjoys. He is a really good person and he really is a light at the library. Everyone likes him there and he likes everyone else. I think that that is one of my favorite libraries to go to, except for the books. They're always shelved out of order. But when you do find the books you're looking for, it's really a nice feeling.

Anyway, I know that I can do better than this job. But, I'm glad that I did get this job, because it was a good kick in arse from nobody but myself.

Old memories come back...and I think of this one guy who would say, "I'm going to dominate you!!" There was even a comic strip that one of the other guys made in the class about him. It was art class. Anyway, this job is not going to dominate me, and if I lose it, so be it.

Anyway, I really have come a long way. I can thank God for that. If He hadn't seen worth in me, then nobody else would either. Anyway, I don't mean for you guys to go out there and just dive right into helping people unprepared. Sometimes you can help someone else, but sometimes, there's only so much you can do. If you know Jesus, pray for that person consistently. Even if things get worse, keep praying. Get others to pray with you, get others to pray for the person. The more people praying who care, the better.

For me, things got a lot worse over 3-4 years. But after that, they got a lot better. I can't say that it was just one person that helped me, because there were so many people who made a difference in my life. Everyone played a small part, but some more than others.

Anyway, keep alert, pay attention to things you can pray for and keep your eyes open.

Enough...it's not as easy as it sounds. It's actually pretty hard.

Anyway, I know what's important in my life...even though I can't play a part in it all the time, it will be in my heart. I will not let these things be crushed again. And I will improve. Things will get better. I will not give up this time.

I can't help but wonder what people do when they get fired. Today, one guy was called aside by the head guy of our department. It was in the middle of work, so I have no idea what he wanted with him, but it seemed like he wasn't happy about something.

I can't help but wonder if he got fired for saying something that he shouldn't have said. I think that someone overheard that and probably told the head supervisor, or the head supervisor overheard it.

Something tells me that this place that I'm working at is not a very good place to work at. I guess with jobs that anybody can do, it's not that hard to replace people, despite how long they've been with the company. I'm assuming that this guy has been there for a long time and was earning an okay paycheck, maybe hoping to move into a full time position.

Hmm...I think that I'd better find a new job. I might not have one soon enough.

I guess I'll see if I ever see him again at work...

Hmm...sometimes it's not good to post when things are bothering you. But one thing that helps me to keep on going is that God loves me. As one of my friends posted...if the whole world hates me, I'll know that I'll be welcomed with God.

Next point...community. It's not always a nice thing, depending on how you get along. But it's necessary. People need other people. One thing that you should not do is just be with anybody. When you're needy, then you tend to be with just anybody. That's not good. Don't hang around people who will cause you to do bad things.

Anyway, I guess I shouldn't worry about what other people think. People have their own ideas when it comes to the unknown. But really, people can think anything, even if it's not true. And I shouldn't let others bring me down.

I guess I need to forgive those who try to hurt me, but not let them get me down. I know myself better than anyone else knows me. The only person who knows me the best is God. He sees everything and knows everything. He knows my heart and my thoughts. Really, these are the things that people can't see.

I have no idea what I'm going to do next. The only thing that I should be doing now is the translation. I've been working on that, but work, besides the translation, has been tiring.

One good thing though has been that I now have some motivation to get out of the workplace that I'm in. Some of the other guys have it rougher than me. But I know that they will do well if they keep working at what they're dreams are.

Dreams sometimes only stay dreams, because we don't make any steps toward making them a reality. But someone that I talked to, (one of my co-workers), is working hard to make something happen in his life.

Anyway, I'm going to get out of there. I've decided that I'm going to get out of there and improve my Japanese, go to Japan, and act like a mature person. heh. Man, I'm older than some of the other guys at work, and they act more mature than me sometimes. heh...I laugh at that. haha.

Anyway, something that keep running through my mind is this quote by someone...(I don't remember his/her name, but it was written on one of the walls on my high school cafeteria.) "If you don't stand for something, you fall for anything."

Really, people don't know who I am, because I've never made that clear. I never really told people what I believe. I never acted like a person from there. I've gone with the flow too long.

Well...do any of you stand for something?

To me, there are some things that I just don't care about. But there are some things that I do care about. And there are some things that I should put less priority on. And others that I should put more priority on.

Well, I wrote this all down, now I need to get on it and start. heh...where will I be in 10 years? I don't even know where I'll be next year. But one thing that I do believe is that regardless of things tha happen to me, I am responsible for myself and the people in my life. I need to make some changes.

Really, the one person that I need to focus on the most is Jesus. What would He do? What does He do? And What will I do?

Weekends...

I heard a good message this past Sunday, but I think that I should not post my thoughts about it, because I could take parts from it, and people would not get the whole impact of the message. I'm still thinking about it and I realize that I need to change my life right now. I want this past Sunday to be more than just a good message. I'm learning more and more...but really, there needs to be change and I need to let truth change me for the better.

Anyway, I'm glad that I went to church, but really, I need to think about this some more.

I've been feeling that I'm not a good example to others. I'm not. I don't conduct myself in a worthy manner. I try to help others, but I find that I tend to do that in the wrong way.

I have work to do in my life. I have lots of work to do.

I guess I need to learn how to treat people better huh.

I can't explain it, but things were better today. I talked with my mom yesterday and she brought in another viewpoint on what was happening. It's always good to have a different perspective on what's going on. Especially a person that is not directly involved and knows me well. She also has a good common sense too.

Anyway, it's not easy to talk to someone who doesn't agree with you, but it helped me to think things over again.

Well, at least work is over for the week. Man, I saw that I didn't get holiday pay. Someone told me that you have to work there a year before you get that. I'm thinking that most people there haven't even worked there one year. I guess that's one incentive to stay there. But I'd rather not stay too long. Oh well, I don't know how long I'm going to be there. But it could be awhile before I plan my escape. heh.

Congrats to the Golden Bear

Jack Nicklaus finished his golf career today, early in the morning at our time, in Scotland. Man, looking at some old videos of his career on the golf channel really shows you how great he was back in his prime. Jack said today that he shot 72, which was the best round he's played all year, and he didn't make the cut. He said that it tells him that it's time to go.

Well, all I want to say is, well done. His career is really something that you don't see that often. I don't know much, but even when I was still a kid, he was still winning tournaments like the Masters (a golf course named the Masters). Age does catch up with everyone. I guess that's part of life. Making way for the new by having the old move on.

Hmm...the battle wages on...

My dad tells me that there is a new format that is going to come on the Market for DVDs. Two parties are fighting over which format to use. Of course they want their own used. One is Sony. The other is Intel. It's supposed to be High definition DVD formats. It won't come out for awhile, just like DVDs didn't come out for awhile even when they had the technology. They had things to work out before they came out with DVDs like Region codes. But it will probably be a long way away before they do come out with High Mat DVDs. So I don't mean to stop you from going out there and using the current technology.

Anyway, it's just like VHS and BETA fighting for which video tape to use. Who knows which one will be used in this DVD things? The cheaper one? Or the better one? I'm guessing that we'll probably get screwed again. Anyway, we'll see who wins. I personally don't know which company has the better technology, but hopefully the better one wins. But I'm guessing that people don't want to pay an arm and a leg for the new technology. Unless they have some cash burning holes in their pockets.

Thinking back

Recent events at my workplace have reminded me of how it was long ago. When I went to college I never thought that life could be so good. But before that was high school and I hated every minute of it. Work reminds me of high school. Some of the guys are probably still in high school or just high school graduates. I can see why some people judge others because of their education, but that still pisses me off when they do. As if an education makes a person better than someone who doesn't have one. Anyway...

Back in high school, I thought that people really didn't like me. There were only a few people who actually talked to me and everyone else seemed wrapped up in their own world. I had my own world of my classes, some 3-4 friends that I ate lunch with, and the rest...strangers who I had class with.

I remember it being much worse in jr. high school. I could call that the "falling down" period of my life. High school, things were starting to look a little better. Heh, you might not know the movie, but Michael Douglas stars in "Falling Down." One word, anger. One sentence, taking out your anger on those who deserve it. I'm just glad that I didn't go off the edge like Michael Douglas. I just kept the anger inside.

High school, I remember high school as a time of change. Jr. High had more changes, but High school had some positive ones. I remember not liking High school because everyone seemed so shallow and group oriented. However, I do remember some people that made a difference in my life. Some of my teaches made a big impact, some of the school workers, and some individuals who stepped out of their comfort zone to actually start a conversation with me.

I'm not an easy person to talk to sometimes. In High school, I was even harder to talk to. To me, people looked like they were afraid of me or just like they didn't want to talk to me. They had good reason, because I was angry. But I really do respect the people who reached out to me. It took a lot of courage, but don't get me wrong. They only talked to me during class, which was good enough. I didn't need anything more than that.

Anyway, how that fits into today is that probably most of the guys at work have only just graduated high school and have not experienced other things beyond that. Someone once told me that it's true that you become a lot like your friends. You spend time with them and you pick up certain habits. Maturity and immaturity seem to be easier when the group is at a certain maturity. Everyone acts like the same level. If you step out, then it takes a lot of courage, because a lot of people will disagree with you. But you'll never know who will or won't agree with you unless you do step out.

Anyway, I'm just reminded of high school every time I go to work. I'm like, yeah...right...

I'm sure glad that I've grown beyond that and experienced college. I'm sure if I didn't go to college, become a Christian, and see how good life could be then I'd be pretty upset by some things at work. But I realize that some things don't matter. People can think what they want. I won't be able to change their mind unless I talk to them, which doesn't seem possible. I really don't think that people can change others. You can influence them, but it really depends on their acceptance. Really, change doesn't come from other people. It comes from within. That's why it's important to pray for others and try to explain things...

So, with that said, work sucks, but that's life. heh. I'm not that upset about work. But I just think that man, people don't realize how good things could be if they knew God, followed Him, and showed grace and mercy towards each other.

Actually, work is not that bad. But I think that I need to find a new job. I wonder if I'm there for a reason. It doesn't seem like I'm doing any good there though. And I feel like I just need to make some changes in the way I live my own life.

Anyway, there's a lot that I'm not telling you. Anyway, what things look like is not always how they are. Sometimes there are deeper reasons hidden underneath.

Anyway, one thing I want to mention to those who might want to help others who are going through rough times. Always be safe. Always look out for your own safety and don't put yourself in dangerous situations where you could get hurt. Always look out for yourself and even if that means that you have to deny someone something, then it's better to deny than to find something done to you. Some good people get hurt by those who are trying to help them. So, watch out for yourselves. I just say that, because I once tried to help someone else and I found that I could have gotten hurt. Things should be on your terms and not the person needing help's terms.

I've been thinking about my life recently. It has gotten bad at work, but still tolerable. I'm really thankful for that, because it has reminded me of why I followed God in the first place. It has helped me to see that things were a lot worse before than they are now. Without God, I'm not sure where I'd be.

I was thinking that I'd focus on work and such when I got out of college. I spent way too much time doing things other than homework. I even think that God was telling me to get to work on my studies. However, I always knew that my studies should never come first. One reason why I think that I didn't do as well as I could have. But one reason why I my life is not as bad as it could be.

Anyway, my job is not the greatest, but it's a job. I know that I don't want to stay here for too much longer. I guess if I really want to get out of the penitentary, then I'm going to have to prepare for it. I don't know what to say anymore, because I've been writing the same things for the past few months. But one thing is clear. I want change in my life.

I know that there are better things out there than a job. A job is just a job. It's something that you do to earn something to eat. It's something that everyone needs in some aspect of their life. Some jobs can mean more to others, some jobs are hated by the people that do them. But really, what I do in this job really doesn't matter. Anybody can do my job though...and I think that I want to do something else.

If you want something, then you're going to have to prepare for the day when it comes. Right now, I just want to play video games everyday after work and not work on the other things that I need to work on. I guess if I really want to do something, then I'm going to have to work for it. Guess I need to get back to studying again. But I must never forget the most important things in my life and put them first.

All I can say is that I'm thankful for the recent turn of events. I'm talking about the things that have happened to me recently...not other things in the world.

It's kind of funny when you're translating and you have no idea what the weird character is saying. It's also funny when the Japanese guy who is writing the notes on the context has no idea either. Some characters are really far out. Hmm...maybe the guy who is writing the notes isn't Japanese. Well, it just makes my job harder when he writes a note and writes a question mark after it.

Anyway, I got some translating done and I have more to do. I think that I'll take Sunday off and start again during the week.

Man, the group did 10,000 lines of text in 5 days. That's amazing. I guess I've got to pick it up or else I'll lose out on some potential experience. Not to mention money.

Man, I think that I should go to Japan next year.

Maybe I am an ignorant pampered fool. One movie, "El Salvador." Not very nice to watch, but it shows you how bad things can get. I can imagine things being worse than that over in Iraq. However, I don't know what goes on in the rest of the world.

Anyway, I hope that things will get better in the future, but I'm not sure with the current trends of life now.

I went to work yesterday. It wasn't a good day. Today wasn't good either, but yesterday was worse. After work ended, one guy said that there was a bombing in England.

Every morning after work, I turn on the news on the ride home. It was the same stuff over and over again. I couldn't imagine feeling this way again. I felt this sense of dread. Why do people do these things to each other? I guess I'll never understand unless I experience the same things. But still, why do people hurt innocent people?

I know that other people have rougher lives than me. I know that other people have experienced some bad things and want to take out their pain on others. But why? I don't know why...I only know that I don't know what others have experienced. I only know myself.

Well...I know that things in Iraq are getting worse. A lot of Iraqis have become refugees, because they have moved out of Iraq. So who's left in Iraq? Hmm...who can survive there?

Times like this, I wonder where I'll be in 10 years. A lot has changed since I came into college and left college. It's only a speck in the great line of eternity. Looking back at historical stories, I see that things change. Whether good or bad, things change. But I wonder, how did things get to be as they are today? I'd say that in some parts of the world, things are better. In many parts of the world, things are really horrible. But there are some people who are working to make things better.

Really, in the grand scheme of things, we are merely ants. We all work, we all play a small part. But really, no one person makes the whole difference in the grand scheme of things. The only person that I can think of is God, who was, is, and who is to come.

Anyway, that's one reason why I at least try to keep following God. There is purpose to life, even though things don't matter so much. Don't get me wrong...things matter, but some things now in your life may not matter later. Some things now in your life may matter a lot later. But, how many of us remember people 1 or 2 generations back? What about 3?

I mean, people back then played a part in the world today, but how many of them are remembered? Is life meaningless? I like to think that it's not meaningless.

Anyway, I babbled on and on. But, I do believe that the terrorists should be stopped. I do believe that stopping them won't stop terrorism. What I do believe will help the world is looking out for one another. It may not seem big now, but it could impact many lives down the road.

The time is now. Do I work for a better tomorrow? Or do I live for today? I've felt for a long time, that I've lived for today. I haven't worked for tomorrow for a long time. I don't play a big role in other people's lives, but I do play a small part and I do have a role. I choose not to play a bigger role, because I just am tired.

Tired of what you may ask? I won't answer that.

All the things that matter and all the things that don't matter make up our lives. Really, we'll not be judged by our great deeds that we've done. One person put it eloquently in a chapter, "We'll be judged by love." Nothing else matters as much as that.

You may not know what I'm talking about, but read "Letters from the Desert" by Carlo Carretto. He has digested a lot of truth. The verses that comes to my mind is 1 Cor. 13:1-3.

[Edit] one thing I want to say is that you don't have to go far to help people that need help. They could be your friends or family. They could already be in your life at work...

Yesterday...

I was dead tired. I worked 5 hours and 50 minutes. I think a lot of people were gone, because we had the 4th off, but not the 5th. I guess I shouldn't complain because I got paid for the holiday because I showed up the day before the weekend and the day after. But man, it was a really long day.

Translating is fun...

when you know what they're saying. Right now, I've got a side job translating some text for a Nintendo DS game. I have no idea which game it is, but since it's a DS game, it needs to be under 30 characters including spaces. I'm getting paid 7.5 cents per translated word. I spent 6 hours translating 60 lines. I'm starting to get the hang of it now, but I think that I should go to Japan to learn Japanese and the way people speak it.

It's interesting though. Trying to translate the emotion, how people are speaking, and of course the text into a way that English speakers will understand is a little difficult. But, given that we only have 30 characters for each line, it doesn't have to be profound. I'm really enjoying this side job. I hope that they'll give me more work to do. I guess I just have to turn it in really quickly.

Star Ocean...

I'm really loving this game. The battles are simple and button mashers, but the new abilities that you learn make it interesting and somewhat obsessive. As you use your abilities more and more, your mastery of them goes higher and they become more effective. So, in a sense, you use it to get better at it, or you don't have to use it at all. There are 8 characters in this game that you can with. I'm thinking that there's more, but maybe one character goes away when you go to another planet. I'm not that far into the game, but I'm really looking forward to beating this game and unlocking the hardest difficulty level. I guess I've only spent 36 hours of my life playing this. hehe.

Man, RPGs will take up a lot of your life. I think that I've spent more time playing video games than I have anything else, but sleeping. What waste of time. But hey, it's fun. That's RPGs for you. They'll take up a lot of your life, because you're living an alternate life within the video game. I guess I should limit the time I spend on this huh.

I haven't posted for awhile, because the internet keeps on going down. It's up one minute, down the next.

Anyway, I was playing Star Ocean Till the End of Time and I must say that it's a pretty interesting game. The characters have depth. One person, who is called Albel the Wicked, becomes part of your party. One person says that he has a weak heart and that makes him keep people at arms length. One conversation he has with the main character is about life. Life for him and the kingdom he lives in is harsh. It's packed with snow, not allowing too many crops to grow. Aquaria on the other hand, is a warm climate with a magical water source that flows throughout the land.

For Albel, he talks about the harshness of reality and why they went to war with Aquaria. Life is tougher for them over there and my choice of what the main character said to Albel of why Albel's kingdom lost, "You lack compassion," made him go on this tirade.

I guess I can understand why Albel's character is such a harsh guy. The climate, not weather, he lives in is pretty harsh. They do lack compassion, but maybe there's a reason behind it.

Anyway, I think that it's interesting to see how games nowadays are incorporating characters like this in your party. They're not perfect and they give you another viewpoint.

I can relate to Albel. I can also empathize too. But I cannot understand everything that he went through, because I have never had life that severe. But I know that living in hate is not the way to live.

I've come to see that I do keep everyone at arms length. I even push away those who I want to be close to, because I have a weak heart. I'm actually scared of how good life could be. I'm scared that I'd do something to mess it up by being me. In truth, it's probably because I haven't grown up enough to handle emotions like this. I have little experience.

But I think that over time, if I walk with God, then I'll learn how to love others.

Capcom

I must say that Capcom is an awesome company. If you ask me, I'll tell you why I'm so pleased. Anyway, they are now ranked #2 after Square-Enix in my book. I think that I might try to get a job with them later on in life after I get more experience.

Maybe I'm easy to please, but I'm loving Capcom right now.

The best part...

Fridays are always good. I get paid every Friday. Even though today was a lot heavier than the previous 4 days, it was good in that things went smoothly. At our break, the supervisor said that we get monday off! He also mentioned that if we don't show up on Tuesday, then we don't get paid for the holiday. Wow, I didn't even know that we got some holiday pay...I guess this isn't such a bad place to work at.

I'll be receiving benefits starting today. I know that I can use these. It takes 2 months of 40 hours a month to get benefits for the 1st month. I have to work 40 hours each month to continue benefits for the month after.

One thing that I found both sad and uplifting was talking to this one guy today. He told me, "I hate this place..." I asked, "How long have you worked here for?" He said, "6 years...you know why I work here? It's my wife...she has been married 4 times and all have been to marines. They beat her up and broke her bones, so she's always in the hospital now. Age is catching up with her now." I didn't know what to say, so I said, "I'm sorry..." and walked off. I think that I could have done a better job in saying something positive. It kind of sounded like I'm saying, "Oh, I'm sorry that you're still working here." I wasn't saying that, but while I was driving home, I thought that he must be a really good husband to put up with a job like this for 6 years. He hates his job, yet he stays here, because his wife needs the help...otherwise, they would be worse off.

People hate this place. I'm starting to not like it either. But, I guess it's still a paycheck, and we do get great benefits, despite our low pay. I'm just glad that I have a job. I don't plan on staying here for more than 1 year, but I'm wondering...what do I really want in my life? I don't know.

Personally, I think that I need to just meditate some more about the people in my life, how I'm treating them, and how to become a better person, so that they'll stay in my life. I feel that I'm rough around the edges most of the time.

But still, I think that I'm not so bad. But yeah, enough about me.

Anyway, this place where I work at, is a good place to work. But I need to find another job. Someone who also went to the same university as me works there too. He graduated a year before me. He tells me, "I went to school for this?" He cracks me up. Funny guy...anyway, I know that probably most people who are working there now, won't be there for more than one year. Things will change and the people will change. I know if I want to get anywhere, I'm going to have to prepare.

The best part about working here is that there are some decent people here. It's a dark place, but what part of the world isn't dark? If you're always in the light, then you're probably not needed there. But still, I don't think that I'm burning brightly at all. Well, sometimes, all you can do is pray and do your best to get to know people. I guess I've got to get back into the game. Life is not a game, but what I'm saying is, I've got to participate again...something I don't want to do anymore.