Some things have happened in a week. I won't go through the details, but yeah, things have happened. Not too many bad things, but some good things also.

I think that things are looking up for me. Not that things are perfect, but I think that I'm content with what I have now. I'm thinking that there are some problems at work, not necessarily with me, but coworkers and other coworkers. It's kind of strange how some personalities grind against each other, and some get along fine.

I guess I can understand why each party would feel a certain way, but I really don't want to try to get in the middle of this.

Chrono Cross

I started playing through the sequel to Chrono Trigger yesterday. It's kind of like the first game. The main character doesn't speak a word. Kind of like Dragon Quest VIII. I think however that this will be a good game despite it being really easy so far. I guess only one hour into it, what can you expect?

Throw it away...keep only the stuff you want

Heh, my parents said that they want me to mark everything that I want to keep and what I would like to throw away or give away before I go to Japan. I'm not a person who goes out and buys stuff that I don't want usually. If I buy it, it means that I usually want to keep it for a long long time. I think that the only things that I would like to get rid of are my books. My Video games have a replayability to them. DVDs don't ever get old. Looking around, probably the only thing that I'd get rid of is the old clothes that I still wear. I still wear some clothes that I have worn since Jr. High school and High school. Yeah, they're still good. I don't know how people can go out and buy new clothes so often. I guess that's why I don't look good at most functions and get togethers. But that's never been a high priority for me. I only have a few good dress clothes that I wear when necessary. And even then, I don't like wearing them. Maybe that will change when I go to Japan.

I'm guessing not though. heh

Serious stuff...

Some things you kind of think won't happen to anyone you know. But yeah, some serious stuff has happened. I only heard news from someone, but hopefully my friend is alright. Anyway, being at this job, things happen. Not specifically at the job, but yeah, it's a side of society that I've been sheltered from. I've never had to worry about these types of things, but apparently a lot of people do. Makes me wonder what I'm doing trying to move up in the world. What is really important to me? And what is it that I want to do for the rest of my life? I think about some things and I can and can't picture myself doing vocational ministry. I mean, I haven't been doing any ministry right now. But who knows, we'll see where I go.

Ministry is not going to church or reaching out to the congregation. It's not building up the church so that they can get stronger for nothing. Really, for most people, ministry will be outside of the church, while few will do ministry inside. I don't think that my ministry will be inside. There are some things that I'd rather not deal with. heh. But yeah, definitely it is more exciting to go out. I'm wondering what I can do. What will I do? And will I do it? Lately this has been a no. But I'm thinking that I need to have some purpose to my life.

I guess it's true that there needs to be some output from the input in your life. Meaning that you need to apply what you learn, or else it will be lost.

Why do I blog? I'm wondering why I would want to post my thoughts to the world. Why do I desire to be known and to know others? I'm going to stop blogging for a week.

Here I am...

What I heard from some people is that you can't make things happen all at once. It may take years for it to happen. But you've got to prepare for it or else it won't. With my new teaching job coming up, people asked me how I'm preparing for it. "I'm not," I said into my chest. Yeah...I guess I should prepare before it's too late.

Initiative has never been my strong point. I guess I can say that it's been like this for awhile, but maybe it's been like this because I don't think ahead unless I really think ahead. I can't keep living like a kid anymore.

It's always been like this. I mention something that I'm going to do and I never get around to it. do I only do what I want to do and not what I need to? Well, typing this won't do anything. I guess I should make some plans.

So I check the answering machine today because my dad left me a note. Apparently I missed my appointment yesterday. I called in today for another appointment and they were happy to schedule me one, but I have to pay a $40 surcharge for missing my appointment. I'm glad that they don't charge me the full $100 for missing it. Hopefully I don't have to.

Never schedule an appointment on Monday. They always call on Friday and I didn't get the message on the machine. So tough luck for me. But I'm thankful that I still have another appointment scheduled.

Well, maybe this was an answer to my prayer to be more responsible. I think that I mentioned that to God, but I'm not sure. Well, this is a sign for me to use my PDA. Yup...

Magna Carta: Tears of Blood

I've logged 70 hours into it already. I played 4 more today. I must say that if you can get past the same lines that they repeat over and over and over again in battle and also stand the battle system, then you might make it through the game.

I really don't like the battle system, because it's kind of slow and boring. You attack with one character at a time which the computer also attacks with one character at a time. It's not fast paced at all. The only thing that you have to watch out for is moving your low on life character out of the line of fire soon enough and letting the other characters take hits.

For those of you who have trouble keeping time with your fingers, then this game may not be the game for you. You get penalized if you miss a rhythm beat out of 3 altogether button presses per attack. What happens is that your leadership bar goes down as if you attacked and you have to wait for it to fill up again. The leadership bar has notches for each character when they can attack. If it doesn't reach that point of the notch for the character, then they can't do anything but move. It was fun at first, but 70 hours later, I'm getting tired of it.

The only strength of the game is the story. It has a great story about revenge, disappointment, reconciliation in the past and present and about losing loved ones. It really is a great story which can only be told in the length of a video game or book. The voice acting is pretty good for the main characters. Some of the minor characters have weak voice acting, but they are few. Even the peons have good voice actors.

Overall this game should be played for the story and not so much the gameplay mechanics. However, it might be tougher for those who have trouble keeping time, but this game might have been geared towards people who have little experience with this. Interesting game though. This is just a few things that I covered in this game. There are a few more things like combining elements for different item uses or getting a boost by getting a good fortune or fighting worse by getting a bad fortune, but they are mainly minor. Overall those with the patience to play this game will be rewarded and maybe tortured at the same time. I'm finding that I've been playing several games at once, because I've played too many rpgs and get bored really easily by the repetitiveness of each one. The worst thing to do is waste too much time on video games if you have stuff to do. Yeah, maybe I should study Japanese.

hesa tomodachi.

heh, I just thought that I needed to be reminded of some laughter. Hirai Ken...heh. If you don't know the reference, then you probably don't know what I'm talking about.

A New Life begins

Went to a wedding today. Good stuff. I was touched by the ceremony. I think that they will do well in their new life together because they have a great love for God first and they have a great love for themselves and their spouse.

I arrived there 15 minutes early. I was expecting a packed house, so I didn't want to worry about parking. I got there and noticed some people that I knew. They were pretty far away, but yeah, couldn't talk to them. I reached the table to sign the wedding book and someone greeted me. "Hi," I said unenthusiatically. I really wasn't sure how to respond. I'm so used to being unenthusiastic from working in the world. Someone else greeted me and I warmed up. I felt bad a little bit later at how uncaring that I greeted my friend from college.

To be honest, I wasn't sure about coming to the wedding. I wasn't sure how I'd be received. I wanted to be a blessing to my friends getting married, but I felt far from that. To me, I really don't see why people invite me or even care about me. Part of me feels like I don't belong anyplace. Part of me feels like I should be on the streets because of all the wrong that I've done. Maybe I should...but I was forgiven and I can't turn back now.

Going into the sanctuary, I didn't see anybody that I knew sitting in any of the pews. I saw some of the people that I knew ready to play music, but I couldn't sit by them. So I chose a corner of the room where there were some people. I was determined to sit in a couple pews in front of them, because I would feel akward sitting next to them or even behind them.

Someone greeted me again. So I had someone to sit by. Then one of my other friends from college sat by me. I wasn't alone as I was expecting to be. Alone and by myself in a crowd of people, I was and was not.

The ceremony started and it was beautiful. The bride and groom couldn't have prepared a better wedding. It was really good. It was amazing to see how the words spoken about each of them got right to the core of who they both are. They are great people and I know that they will have a wonderful life together.

After the ceremony ended, I saw some old faces that I haven't seen for awhile. All from college. Some people are getting together with others that they've met in their new places. I felt like I was reliving part of college again.

Anyway, I won't describe more what happened at the event. I will however describe some of my own thoughts about my own life.

I was really glad to go to this wedding today. It was a reminder of the changes that I'm seeing in people's lives. All of them are still the same people, but they are different in a way from how they were before. They seem like they're making positive steps in their lives. I'm sure that they are. Sometimes I wonder how much we all have changed. I don't keep too many records of the past, only in my memory do I relive some moments. (Maybe I should...keep more records.) Anyway, it got me thinking about my own personal life.

Someone said something today about the wedding. I don't know why I said this, or how this came up, but I told them that I didn't think that I would get married. I mean, I believe that I will, but it seems so unlikely. Why? I am not there yet. I can barely care for myself much less another person.

Part of me asks, "Where is the love in your life?" I'm not talking about a girlfriend, what I'm talking about is where is the love that you have for God, yourself, and others? How are you showing that? Why aren't you showing that? And how can you show that? I have a lot of work to do in my own life. I saw that in the failures I did today. I saw that in all my mistakes.

But, I know that God is good. Even if I do go unmarried for the rest of my life. I ask myself, where am I going? What do I want to do with my life? I don't know anymore. I have a thought that if I'm not doing the right thing now, then how can I expect to do that later.

I guess the next step for me would be to make it to church tomorrow.

At work today, they announced that they were looking for managers. Some of my coworkers got some applications to apply. I didn't, because I have an idea of the crap that they receive from the upper mangament when things don't turn out as well as they'd like it to. But still, it is a great place to do a part time job and go to school.

I kind of wonder what will happen to these guys that I'm working with. Someone once said that he thinks that we are our brother's keeper. We are responsible for other people out there. Not saying that we can change people or take responsibility for them, but saying that sometimes we can do some good in their lives.

With all my failures this past year at my job, I see that I still fail daily. "What am I doing wrong?" I wonder. I think that the stress of this job gets to me and I can't deal with it in a good way that I tend to feel that it's the other's person's fault. Just bad attitudes I have and complaints that I say sometimes cause me to feel that I fail in my witness. And I do. It was only when I started this job that I started to do this. I wonder if the environments are the same everywhere I go. I got a picture of how a lot of the rest of society lives. I never really knew that many people in high school, but I heard some things at my workplace that really made me see that that's why my parents didn't want me hanging out with the wrong people.

Anyway, we're supposed to be light in the darkness and salt. We're supposed to bring Jesus to people who don't know Him. And I feel that I have not been that good of a witness.

I know that this does not come overnight. It takes quite a bit of constant effort and intention. I guess like everything, it's a struggle to overcome something. And even when we overcome it once, we need to keep wrestling so that we can overcome even harder times.

"Israel" means "Wrestles with God." To me it's a great picture of how God makes us stronger by wrestling with us, His people. I still don't understand all of the meaning of that name, but I feel that if I just sit down and not get back into the game, then how will I get stronger? I guess I've got to keep trying. Failing once does not mean that you are a failure. Even failing a thousand times does not mean that. It only becomes true when you give up. Tenacity is the key. But don't get wrong, you need to see what you're doing wrong and correct it.

In my wrestling with God, I'm finding that He's stronger than I can imagine, but He wrestles me at a strength level only a little stronger than I'm able to handle right now. I guess I wouldn't be ready if He upped the level. To some people He does really up the level. But I've seen that those who persevere in their struggles to become better people are much stronger people altogether. I really think that God has great plans for all of us. Even if we face failures, or defeats, there is something better out there.

But one thing is clear, if we wrestle with God, we need to depend on Him the most.

Back to my job situation, I guess I shouldn't give up. I know what I need to do.

Something came to mind recently. I was thinking, "what do I want in my life?" What is it that I want in my life? For the past year, it seemed like I was doing what I normally did, or was expected to do. It's not a bad thing, but I'm thinking...is this all there is? Hmm....

I know what not to do. And seeing some of my coworkers' lives, I see that they are living it up because they do not have a reason to live past death. I really don't know how to tell them about Jesus. It seems like all my attempts (which are few) have been thwarted or met with disinterest and the topic completely changed to something else. Maybe they're not ready.

I look at my life and I see that I myself am not living up to my full potential. I mean, how many of us are? I see a few people doing that, but man, what the heck are the rest of us doing? Don't get me wrong. Life is hard and will be met with a lot of disappointments. I think that the reason why some people do a whole lot better is that they know how to bounce back from the disappointments and hardships. They don't let something get them down and they get up and get right back to it. Tenacity is something that I used to have more of when I was younger. But I think age has helped me to be content with not getting everything that I want. Not saying I give up all the time, but saying that I'm not trying to be number one anymore. Is that a bad thing?

I kind of wonder, what the heck am I doing here? What am I doing on earth? What reason do I have here? When I was college, I thought about getting a job that would help people instead of getting a job that earned lots of money. My dream was to change people's lives for the better. But then I saw reality. There are so many messed up people in this world because of sin. It tears people apart and if you fall into it, then your life will go downhill. Mine did at one point before I knew Jesus. Even though I know Jesus now, I know that sin could still tear me apart if I'm not careful. How do you bring hope to people's lives? I think the answer is found in God. But how do you build relationships with people who may not want help or want to get better? How do you care for people who do not care for themselves? (I guess I'm going to extremes.) But how can anyone share Jesus with someone who does not want to know or is not interested in God.

I think the answer is found in friendships with others and the witness of your own personal life. If you are following the Bible and have a vibrant relationship with God, then I think that people will see that in you and could ask questions about why you are a certain way.

When I look at my own life, I think...man, why would anyone want to be like me? I failed in so many areas of my life. But I know that life does not end with one failure or two or even how many infinite failures I might have. I've let one failure dictate a lot of my life these past 4 years. I think that it's time to get up and get bruised again. What I mean by that is that I am going to fail again and again and again. But I can't let that take control of me. I can't let that tell me who I am.

I've said this before time and time again. Do I really want this? Or is this just talk? I guess it depends on what I'm willing to do. I still wonder...what am I doing here?

Hmm...I need to take my faith more seriously. Someone told me recently that when I go away, "what I put in is what I will get out of it." I guess that's true with anything, except relationships, in my opinion. Sometimes people will not respond. We could invest a lot in someone and receive nothing. I believe that people are free to choose their own way in life. If I invest in someone and they choose to go another way, then that's fine. I know that that's not fine for a lot of people. But, really, relationships are not fair. More true for guys because guys think that if they invest in a girl then the girl owes them something. In reality, the girl owes the guy nothing. I've learned that a lot of girls know that guys expect something back, so they don't accept stuff from guys. Which is a safe thing to do. I think that that's wise.

Anyway, why the heck am I wondering about life right now...Got to get going.

I don't know why I'm posting this, but I felt that I should post this for some reason. To be honest, I'd rather be sleeping right now. But here it goes...

God will judge the world someday. But that does not mean that He does not love the world. He loves everyone in this world and yet when they do wrong, it breaks his heart. God does not look down upon people, His heart breaks when people choose to do wrong.

For God, it seems like there are consequences for every action that we make. God gives us time to repent of our sins, until the day He comes back. Repent means turning away from something and staying away from it or not doing it anymore.

Anyway, I don't know why I even wrote all that. It's short, but maybe someone can use it. Hopefully they'll use it for good. Anyway, God's anger is not like man's anger. God's anger is meant to correct and rebuke. While man's anger is just like something waiting to explode. As so I heard from one retired pastor.

[Edit] I ended too soon I guess. What I wanted to end with is that God is this way because God is love. He wants the best for each and every person. But He leaves a lot of us to help each other to do His will. If we are the body...then why aren't His arms reaching. Why aren't His hands healing? Why aren't His words teaching? Really, we have things to do. But we must follow Him.

I am ready to leave my job. I feel like I can't stand it anymore. But I need to stay here a little bit longer because I need to earn money. I don't know anymore why God placed me there. Maybe I need to pray more for my workplace. Maybe I need to pray more about being a better witness there. Maybe I need to pray about getting enough sleep so that I can be a better witness.

Anyway, my one year mark is up and I'm ready to leave. I don't know anymore exactly what God wants me to do. I feel like I'm wandering. I'm not sure I want to pray for direction, because if I do and get a direction, I'm not sure if I would take it. I kind of want to go my own way right now.

But then I think about how much better God's way is. He sees further ahead than I do or anybody else. If I go with this new job, which I already accepted, will I do worse in the future? Maybe...It might still be a good thing, but not as great. I kind of wonder if I should stay at my old job for another year. I don't know anymore.

I feel that I should take this new job, because it would be a good thing for me to go out on my own. It would be a good thing for me to learn how to take care of myself. The only thing is, will I? Will I take care of myself and will I watch out for myself? I think that I would, but I kind of worry that I might be irresponsible if I were to go out on my own. I mean, here, I'm not very responsible with my time. What makes me think that I'll be responsible over there? There are a few things that I'm concerned about. But I think that things will be alright.

When I think about it, am I really doing well here? Would I do better somewhere else? I guess there's lots of what ifs. One person that I talked to told me that if I have a dependence on God and a good common sense to do what's right, then I should be alright. Maybe that'll be all I need. It will be a challenge, but I think that this new job will test my faith even more. I wonder...what is in store for me?

I have a feeling that I should go to Japan, because it'll be a good experience for me. I feel that this is something that God has placed before me. I feel that I should go. But then there's doubts. I wonder if God wants me to stay here. But then I think, why? What purpose would He have for me here? I guess I'll never know the future. But I feel that for my personal growth, I should go.

I have doubts about fitting into Japanese society. I am very American in my mind. I am not clear cut like a Japanese person. It's much stricter over there. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. But maybe it'll be like a boot camp for me. Hopefully I'll be able to pick myself up. That, or hopefully someone else will help me a little bit.

Well, what to say. I'll probably only get one shot at this. I don't think that I'll work in Japan after this. But I'm going for an experience. I really don't know what to say. Where will God place me? Will it work out? Or will it be very tough? Maybe both...

I wonder if I wasted most of the year this past year. I don't know what to say sometimes. I haven't tried to understand my coworkers that much. They're good people, but I was more interested in sleeping during break than talking to them. I mean, what am I supposed to do? They're already talking to each other. Do I join in?

Sometimes I have time to talk to them while we're working. But I don't get too much in though because we're supposed to finish fast.

The only people that I have sort of a friendship with are the people that I give rides to. Lately, I've been wondering why I do this. Why do I do this when I really don't like what they're talking about. But then yesterday's message really struck a chord with me. I'm missing opportunities to talk to them about their beliefs and influence them. I guess I really don't know how to talk to them about what's right. Maybe now is a time to learn.

I feel like such a bad witness. Maybe I should pray about this.

Church...

I made it to church today. For some reason, I woke up in time. Hmm...that's got me thinking.

I haven't made it to church in like a month. I saw some old faces that I've known for the past couple of years. Good stuff.

The message today was on Colossians 1:9-14. I don't remember too much of it, but the one thing that I do remember was that the pastor told everyone to sit down at the end. Usually we stand and receive a blessing. He asked the mission teams one by one to stand, mentioning the work that they're doing or going to do and we recognized them by clapping for them. He came to the end and asked if there was anybody with a mission out there to stand also. I didn't see too many people stand, but he said, "everyone should be standing." So we all stood up.

I remember part of the sermon now. He mentioned how one of the accused people in the Enron case is a practicing Christian and goes to church regularly. He mentioned missed opportunities to share with his co-workers or to influence the people that he worked with. Not an easy thing to do. I thought, man, that's me too! I am not influencing the people that I work with or talk with. I do not speak out. Will I? I'm still reluctant.

The pastor went on. He talked about how it's normal to want to be liked and to not say anything in fear of offending someone. He also said that this world is dark and we have choices to make in response to it. We could

1. Walk away from it. Have nothing to do with it.
2. join in on it, even though we might not agree with it. We could put aside our morals.
3. We could engage with them and speak out about what we believe and what we think should be happening. (I don't think that he put it quite that way, but I think that he said something like that.)

I don't know what to say anymore. I've heard all of this and I still don't do this. It's going to take a lot more devotion than what I'm giving it now. Am I willing to do that?


There is a dark force out there against a good force. I'm not talking about nations or people at all. I'm not talking about governments. What I'm talking about is the Kingdom of Satan and the Kingdom of God. I know that to many this seems pretty absurd. But the two kingdoms are evident as seen in human communities and society. The two kingdoms are clashing together. Man, a war...I guess I have not been taking my faith seriously enough.

I've been reminded of God's love for me. I've been reminded of God's love for everyone else. I'm finding it hard to love everyone else as God would love them.

One reminder today was that even though people at work may be "different," I know that they're just seeking their own happiness even if it is causing them destruction. Isn't that what we're all trying to do? Find happiness? Or some reason for living?

I have a reason for life, yet I really don't want to live it right now. I think that I'm out of practice and I really am unsure of a lot of things right now. Something that I've been reminded of is that we're all human. Sometimes people will have a hard time loving us as we have a hard time loving them. But God loves all people regardless of how we or others see them. God died for sinners, which is all of mankind. Even Christians are sinners.

This verse comes to mind. "If someone says 'I love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen." 1 John 4:20 NASB. The Bible is profitable for all Godliness. I guess I need to read it a lot more to find more about who God is and what His heart for mankind is. I know that I've read a lot of it before, but after taking this perspectives class, I'm finding that I need to study it more closely. Man, I don't even know why I took perspectives, but I'm thinking that I really need to get on the ball. Man, I really just want to play video games right now...

It's Saturday...some of my friends are at a retreat for people interested in missions. I didn't go, because I don't feel like I'm at that point right now. I have not gone on a mission and even though I'm a little bit interested in missions, I have no desire to go to an unreached area.

Next week is another retreat for our fellowship. It should be good. I'm wondering if I'll drop back into my mood of, I don't want to talk because I'm too tired. Maybe I should sleep before I go. Yeah...

Well, Perspectives is over and I really don't want to do the hw still. I don't want to do the project either. I think that I'm just going to quit. I don't feel like I'm at that point right now. I don't feel like I'm going to go out there and do missions. I didn't realize that this was a missions class before I took it. It went way over my head and I sunk deep. I know that I can use this information, but I'm thinking...I've never really stood up for the gospel or Jesus and I really am not motivated to do so.

I feel like I don't care right now. I mean, the people that I care about are Christian already. But how do you tell someone you don't care for about Christ? You can't. I guess I've become sort of numb lately. I feel like I don't care for the people at work. They're just people that I work with. I don't really know who they are. And from knowing about some of their backgrounds, I'm not sure if I want to.

One part of me thinks, "if I can't love these people as myself, then who can I love?" Love meant in the terms of treating another the same way you would want to be treated.

I really don't know. But maybe my next job will be better in terms of my relationships with the people there.

It seems like the task is overwhelming. Maybe I should start small...

Not much to post. Nothing big has really happened in the past couple of days. I missed Senior Sendoff for AACF. Which sucks...because I probably won't see the seniors that are graduating for quite awhile. I might not see them ever again...but most likely I will. Oh well, another event missed...

Anyway, I wonder exactly what is in store for me. I wonder exactly what God is planning for me and I wonder if I am following it. I doubt that I am though.

Drifting seems to be a theme with me. Drifiting here and there and not committed to any one place. I'm not sure exactly what it is that I want in life, but maybe it's better not to know now. That way, I won't be expecting anything. That's just my opinion though. Yeah, low expectations. heh.

I don't know what to say. Nothing has really happened in the past couple of days. I just relaxed and slept.

I remember I was telling one of my friends about my roommate who played Everquest and spent all of his time doing that, even at the expense of his hw. This other guy in the elevator said, "You mean Evercrack!? I'm so glad that I quit that before I went into college!"

I can see why I didn't play video games during college. I did so much better in my schoolwork and social life because I wasn't focused on playing video games. I made a promise to myself that I would not play video games in the dorms. So I didn't. But I ended up watching my roommate play Evercrack. Man, maybe I should have studied outside of my room.

Now I'm out of college and I picked up video games again. It seems like I'm having to relearn a whole bunch of stuff over again. I find that it's easy to get lost in a video game. I'm also finding why I quit video games during college...I wasted a lot of my youthful years playing video games. But still, I think that it was better to play video games than get mixed up with the wrong people. I'm just glad that I'm okay now and not down some gutter.

Someone asked me, "Where would you be if you never met Jesus?" I have an idea of where I would be. But I know that if I never experienced these hardships, I would have never met Jesus. I used to think that He was imaginary or some alien. But after meeting people who have a relationship with God, I saw something different in them and it was attractive. Knowing Jesus is better than having a lot of money. Why? For me, it has been that I have someone that I can count on regardless of anything that happens. It makes me wonder...what am I doing for Him? I wonder...am I doing nothing?

I know that who you are says more than what you do. Because who you are will be shown in what you do and everything about you. Whereas what you do does not always show who you are. And I'm finding that I need to spend more time with God or else be like the people that I'm most hanging out with. Not my friends, I'm not hanging out with my friends, but mainly I'm around my co-workers the most out of anybody, because I'm working with them. I guess one thing that I need to do is pray some more.

Checklist.

-Read the Bible
-Pray
-Go to Bible study tonight

I didn't make it to church yeseterday...I stayed up too late playing video games. doh...

Anyway, I've decided to make a bedtime for myself. Man, it's like I have to treat myself like I'm a little kid again...heh.

Recently, I've been thinking about who I'm becoming more like. I'd say that I'm becoming more like the people at work...which is not a bad thing, but it's not what I'm used to being like.

Anyway, this world is pretty dark. I've heard some things that could really make someone sick. There truly is a god of this world, who is unlike the God that we should serve. More and more I see the truth of the Bible shown in the lives of people that I meet. Paul wrote a lot about things like that. And I guess I should read more of what he said to the early churches.

Basic stuff...

I've decided to do what I need to do first and then play video games afterwards. It's kind of funny how the mind works. I'm finding that if I play video games (which is what I want) first then I don't want to do anything else. But if I do what I need to do first and play video games afterwards, then it's more rewarding to play video games. I'm sure most of you are saying, "Duh." Hmm...I guess my parents did do a good thing with me when they made me do my hw first and everything that I needed to do first. Even if that meant not doing what I wanted to do that day. I'm thinking, why the heck am I learning this now? I think the reason is that my parents are letting me do as I please right now. They don't tell me to do very much or what to do all the time. So I have more freedom in choosing what I will do with my time.

I guess this is something that is necessary for me to do. Learn on my own.

I've always been amazed at how other people can make decisions right off the back. I've always had to think about what I'm going to do. Sometimes that has been a bad thing for me, because I didn't do things quickly enough. But I'm seeing that the people who do make decisions quickly are people who have made decisions for themselves. Most of my life, I've been told what to do. I really didn't have to think of what I had to do next. It's not necessarily a bad thing for parents to tell their kids what to do, but there comes a time when kids need to make their own decisions.

I really can't blame anybody for where I'm at now. But I do have my life to live and I've got to get a move on.

Well, in a few months, things are going to change quite a bit. Soon I'll be on my own for awhile.

Okay, I'm going to make it to church tomorrow. I'm going to go to sleep early tonight. heh.

You've got to praaaaaayyyyyyy~Uh! Oh yeah...

I'm finding that the more time you spend with people, the more you become like them. I'm finding that if I want to be a light, then I'm going to need to spend time with God in prayer, the Bible, and other Christians. Man, in all three of these, I've been lacking lately. I guess I need to pray.

Sometimes I'm too hard on myself. I'm my worst critic. I am a perfectionist when it comes to me...but when it comes to other people, I let it slide a lot more.

Anyway, I was thinking about this for a little bit after I posted. Am I willing to change? I mean, I say a lot of stuff about what's wrong with me, but am I willing to change to become a better person? I think that that's where I fall short. Maybe I am satisified with who I am right now. Maybe I'm just too lazy to make the necessary changes. But I know that I need to change in what habits I do. ie less video games, more Bible reading and praying. Yeah...

There's sometimes where I wonder why God placed me on this earth. I mean, sometimes I wonder what exactly I'm doing here. I don't always act responsible, I don't think that I'm well liked sometimes, I think that I just don't know how to relate to people.

It seems like the only thing that I'm good at is work and video games. And still at work, I feel like I'm not doing that great of a job anymore.

Someone once told me that "life is what you make out of it." It's like those books, "Choose your own adventure." Many of you probably have never heard of these books. But you read the book from the first page, then when you hit a certain page there would be two choices. If you chose choice one, then you would go to this page, if you chose choice two, then you would go to another page. And then you would come to another page with two more choices and so on. It would be kind of like choosing where you go within the author's context of the book. I really didn't like those books that often because the books wouldn't last too long, but when you think about it, it's not such a bad idea for a book. Kind of like playing a video game, but a video game is more interactive.

Anyway, obviously life is more complex than a choose your own adventure book. You have way more control to do things than turning to a page and reading out your destiny. But I can't help but think that sometimes life is kind of like those books. We each have our own choices to make, actions or reactions, and where you go depends on two people. You and God.

I kind of wonder about where I'm heading towards. I can't predict what's going to happen, but I have an idea of what might. Anyway, that's enough for right now babble for one day.

Man, I missed Bible study yesterday because I was playing video games and fell asleep before Bible study. Oh well...I guess I have choices to make. Go to sleep early, or play video games. hmm....

Dah! Missed church again...

Well...not sure what else to say, but I've really got to get this together. =(

I'm thinking to myself...there's good news, yet there's choices to make. Which path do I take. I wonder...it seems like there's only one right now. One correct one I mean...but we'll see.

I am not sure what plans God has for my life. Since I first came to know God and have a relationship through prayer, obedience and reading the Bible, I've seen that my life has dramatically improved. I thought, "This is truly what life is about." Then my life got busier and I put God aside so that I could get through school and get my work done. That was a mistake.

I'm not saying that school or work are bad things and I'm also not saying that you should put work or school aside for God, what I'm saying is that it was bad for my walk to go to the extremes and not find a balance between school, work, and God. I found that my relationship with God suffered when I didn't spend time with Him every day. And thus began my wandering in the desert.

My last two years of college were tough. Things changed quite a bit from how they first were when I came into college. I was now an upperclassman and expected to fill that role for the lowerclassmen. But I never did fill that role to the extent that I thought I would; I never stepped up to take the initiative. I never felt like a leader and I'm not sure if people expected me to be a leader or wondered why I wasn't a leader. I felt that school was a priority during that time.

Graduating became a factor and school pressures started to creep in. I felt that if I skipped AACF and worked on my studies during that time, I'd do better in school. What happened was a double whammy. I just thought about fellowship during that time when I skipped/not experiencing fellowship and I couldn't focus on my studies, thus wasting my time.

Even out of college, I still struggle with keeping a balance. With my weird schedule, I find that I'm sleeping at odd hours and working and waking up at odd hours. I also found that sleep became an issue in whatever I did. Would I get enough sleep if I did this? Or would it be better to skip? But, regardless of all of the activities, these are secondary to me in comparison to my relationship with God. God should be first and foremost in everything. And I found that I didn't even give God the attention that He deserved.

I guess what I'm saying is, my walk with God started off good, but neglecting my relationship with God for other things and the worries of life have choked what was most important...personal growth. I say this because I don't think that I have been a good example lately. I haven't been living my life with God. I haven't put Him first in everything. And I haven't been caring for either myself or my neighbor lately.

Anyway, where I am right now has been my choice. Yet God has been so good to me still.

I was reminded again of Christian community last week and this week. I remember what it was like in AACF. I remember what it was like back in college...the time that I had forgotten. So many times I've lived as if God wasn't alive and yet I always knew that He is. I saw it in my friends. I saw God in my friends.

Anyway, it's late right now and I don't know why I'm writing all of this. Only that I've got to live my life for God again. This world is a good place, but it's not eternal. I'm still struggling to find that balance in life. I mean, I can't just drop everything and say that I'm going to live for God. It has to be integrated into everything that I do...and that's not easy.

I don't know exactly what God has planned for me or anyone else, but I can't help but wonder about our purposes here. Do we all have a great purpose here? Does God have a great plan for our lives? And most important of all, how can we glorify God through our lives? Man, I'm not sure if I can live up to this. But we'll see where God leads me.

Work today sucked...I was pretty negative throughout all today. I guess the best thing to do is pray.

A time has just ended...a time has just begun

The 15 week period for my Perspectives class ended today. I woke up late and went late...usually I wake up early, but I fell asleep on the couch, so I didn't get to use my alarm. I went to class late but I got there after worship ended and the message was just beginning.

It definitely is a good class...intense, but good. I won't get the certificate. There's just no way that I can get all this done. I'm way too far behind and I won't be able to finish it all in time. So I gave up. But I am thinking that I should do the work anyway even if I won't turn it in.

I feel that I wasted some of my time there, because what am I going to use this for? Do I have a heart for people who have never heard the gospel? At one point in my life I did. But I do know that there are people in my own culture that have never heard the gospel before, even though they live in a place where there are relatively a lot more Christians.

What I've learned the most about this class is that it's not about making people like you. It's adapting the gospel in a way that makes sense to their culture without changing it from it's original meaning. What I found cool was that people can worship God in their own culture. They don't have to take on the culture of the foreign missionary and thus divorce themselves from their own culture. That would make them less effective to reach out to people that they know...like their family. However, I'm thinking that it does require turning away from the things that God considers wrong and following His ways found in the bible. But don't take my word for it, take the class.

Someone wrote in the book that we received that the greatest hinderance to the gospel is not language, but a culture clash. How do you tell someone about the Jesus in a way that makes sense to them in terms of their culture?

Anyway, I've learned a lot and I'll probably forget a lot. But I know that this is pretty much seen in the Bible...what I've learned in this class. I just didn't put it together.

I recommend this class to any Christian who's thinking about going on missions. I recommend this class to all church leaders too. I recommend this class to college students who are Christian also and have a strong foundation in their faith. But, be prepared to do a lot of work if you want to get the most out of it...like everything. This is not an easy class to get a certificate or even credit. But they do have an enrichment level where you can go to class and not have to do any of the reading or homework. But it will tell you more about what the speakers are talking about if you do. It's intense, but it's worth it.

I'm wondering...what is my next step. I've learned a lot of things about partnership and reaching other cultures...what I don't have is actually the experience to go out, or a great desire to either. But I want to do something for God. What I'm finding is that I really need to get back to God.

I kind of wonder...maybe I focus too much on what I did wrong instead of what I did right. I used to be a perfectionist, where if everything wasn't perfect, then I'd get upset. But nowadays, I'm not very much like that anymore, but I do have some of that in me still.

Anyway, part of me wonders if this world would have been a better place if I wasn't even born. But then, I come to the same answer. Life is a gift. Everyone has a purpose here. Some of us never reach that purpose.

You can't experience life when you're dead. I know that I'm going to get some arguments, but what I'm talking about is not about heaven and hell, but moreso the fact that you can only do things in this world here and when you leave, you won't experience what life is about here.

Anyway, I hope that I'm not causing people to get weird ideas, because my thinking is usually abstract and I don't express myself that well all the time. But yeah, you only get one shot at life. And even when you mess up, there will be other times that you can do something right. I've learned that life does not end when you make a critical mistake. You've got to keep living life, even if it isn't as good as it once was before. Hopefully there will be someone who will be the light in your life. But don't expect them to make things right. I've learned that we all have our own paths to walk.

I don't want to get too complicated, because I don't understand everything myself, but we each have our own life to live. And we each have to live our individual lives.

One mistake that I have been doing is trying to get things right I did wrong in the past by trying to make them work this time around...only with different people. What I'm learning is that I've got to leave the past in the past and know that this is different from the past. I guess I haven't learned the correct lessons that I've gotten past my mistakes. But I try...

Hmmm...now I remember why I kept a journal. Anyway, I guess I need the right lens to look at all this.

I remember a lot of how things used to be. And people have changed and I've changed. But how much? How much have we all changed and learned from our mistakes?

I guess I can't ask anybody that question, except myself. I wonder what God's plans for me are. I guess I can the answer to that in what I have a passion for. What am I willing to suffer for? What am I willing to even die for? I've got to really evaluate my life right now.

Realization

I remember why I became Christian a long time ago. I remembered why I followed Him then. I also was reminded just a little while ago that His way is much better than mine.

Man, I know that it may seem like things are better when you're not following God, but really His ways are actually good. I'm reminded that I need to put Him first again. I'm reminded of the great treasure of knowing God and what it means to be Christian.

Anyway, these are good words right now, but we'll see how well I'll keep this up. Anyway, I'm just thankful that there were reminders. Got to get ready to go.

Fukboi

If you're wondering how that's pronounced, it's fook-boy.

Now that I vented what was bothering me for the past few months, I will post what I originally intended to post.

Last night, the Wudan crew celebrated mine and another guy's birthday. I must say that I was pretty uneasy about it. I mean, people are actually celebrating my birthday. From how I've been acting the few times that I did come to bible study and random meetings where I hung out with them, I was kind of uneasy. But they really were a pick me up.

I got a shake and a 3 patty burger (which I couldn't finish) and I didn't have to pay anything for it. I shouldn't have gotten the shake, because it cost $5. Yeah, that's right...$5. So my meal came out to being $15. My other friend who we were also celebrating his birthday got something cheaper and didn't get a drink. I should do that next time. heh.

Anyway, they took us out to go bowling after dinner. It was pretty cool. I had a good time bowling and I did okay. Scored about 100 each game, which is good for me. The wudan crew was pretty good at bowling too. One guy had a ninja style of bowling. Another guy got a running start and rolled the ball pretty hard; he usually got strikes. One guy actually used spin on the ball. I think that that was the first time I bowled with my bible study.

It was pretty crazy, because everyone did pretty good.

I am lucky to have a group of friends like that. Even though I felt bad at some of the mistakes that I made, the Wudan crew is really a good group of guys. Anyway, I don't deserve good friends like these, but I'm with them for now and I should strive to learn from them as much as I can. I guess I should stop worrying about all the things that I've been worrying about and just be me. I've got to stop worrying and just let things be. Yeah...

I have this mindset of trying to find a purpose here in life. I found one in Jesus Christ, but have not been living it out recently. Now I'm wondering why God created me. I feel like I can't do anything right anymore.

Maybe it's more like people don't react the way that I'd like them too. And I know that this is wrong, but I guess I make expectations of myself. Usually I just blow it off and tell myself to try and do better the next time. But recently, I've been feeling like I've degraded quite a bit from where I used to be and have a tendency to make people not like me. I don't know if that's true, but I know that I don't know everything and nobody has said anything to me about this. So maybe what I'm feeling is not a big deal to everyone else.

But yeah, I couldn't help but wonder why God created me these past few weeks.

I must say though that I haven't worshipped God in a long time. I haven't made it to church for a month now and the one time that I made it to church this past sunday, service ended before I got there. I must say that that could be one reason why I've been feeling like this. Isolation does cause people to lose track of relationships and how things work. Anyway...

I need to get back into reading the Bible. I have taken God for granted for two months now and I need to refresh myself in His words in the Bible and see more of who He is, who I am, and who everyone else is. I must admit that when the times of struggle have come, I've fallen away instead of stepping up. Maybe that's one thing that I need to work on. Not being discouraged when the hard times come, because they will come. Learning to depend on God through the hard times and being who He created me to be (in His image) is something that I struggle with. Anyway....got to read more and stop playing video games.

I think that God has impressed this in me. "In everything, treat people the same way you want them to treat you for this is the law and the prophets." "Do not judge or you too will be judged, do not condemn or you too will be condemned, forgive and you'll be forgiven."

We're all human. We all have flaws. No matter what we think of the other person or not, it doesn't matter what we think of them or what they think of us. What matters is what God thinks of them and us. It's easy to judge someone else, but really, you've got to look at your own life. I keep telling myself that I'm not responsible for the wrongs that other people do to me or anyone else. God will judge everyone at the end of time, including me. So, therefore, I should worry more about my own actions and what I do rather than trying to worry about what other people do. Don't get me wrong though, if you can do something then it's good to do something, but you can't change other people. And I'm slowly remembering this.

Anyway, I have a feeling that more people read this blog than I know about. I also have a feeling that people from my church also read this blog too. Whether people have good intentions or bad intentions in reading this is not for me to judge. I really don't care anymore. I know what I'm not. And I know myself better than anyone else, except God.

Anyway, I'm going to live my life regardless of what other people think. It doesn't matter anymore what other people think. This is my life and I'm going to live it my way.

I guess some of you might be wondering what I'm talking about. Sometimes when you think that people think something about you, then you tend to act that way. What I'm saying is, give up caring what other people think about you and become a person of great value. Become a person outstanding in character and in good deeds. Only let that be the core of who you are and not the outside appearance.

For too long I've cared about what other people think. Still, I do care, but I'm being reminded that my worth is seen in God's love for me. People can think whatever they want. They may be right, or they may be wrong. But what matters most is what God thinks of me. Who is anybody to judge anybody else? Is anybody qualified? I think that it's time to stop living under a bowl and to start to come out. Yeah, that's right...

A lot of people don't know me. A lot of people are acquaintences. There's nothing wrong with that. But I'm not going to let people determine who I am anymore. That's for me to decide.

Weekend...

I must say that I had a good weekend, but I felt really weird feeling good for once. Of all the other times that I've spent playing video games, I haven't felt as alive as I did when I spent time with people. I guess it could be either good or depressing depending on your friends or company you keep. But yeah, that's why it's important to find people who have good character.

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

I babbled on again in my blog and I just deleted all that I wrote. I don't think that writing your problems on the internet is a good thing all the time. You'll never know who is reading this stuff. Anyway, I will post some more info later.

The day is almost over. I don't know what to say anymore. I wasted pretty much all my free time. Well, I guess I should stop worrying about what I can't help anymore...

Now blogs are making money?

Hmm...there's an ad program that you can sign up for through google. By the number of clicks that people click the ads on your site is how much you'll receive in payment. Google does a search on what you wrote and posts ads related to that. I've tried something like this before and personally, I don't like stuff that I have no knowledge of what it's doing. Especially when it's on something that I might be responsible for.

Metal Gear Acid 2...

I couldn't play Metal Gear Acid 2 on my PSP. Apparently I need to update my PSP firmware past v. 1.52. I'm sure that it would work regardless of the version number, but maybe not. Anyway, I'm not sure if I really want to update my PSP version number because it seems all they do is make it harder to do cool things to your psp. Past 1.50, you can't use homebrew, but there are ways to make it so that you can downgrade your psp. However, watch out for malicious people who put out fake downgrade programs and totally ruin your psp. I still have my doubts about homebrew also...

Anyway, I've never been a big fan of pirating stuff. I figure that it hurts the industry more to pirate stuff, because a lot of work goes into creating these things. Even though they do make quite a bit of money off of producing and selling all those games and movies, people still need to be paid. And the only people who benefit from pirating games are the people who want to get someone's hard work for free. I mean, come on...would you want to work for free?

One of my friends in college was reluctant to go into computer science, because he didn't want his hard work being sold for $5 by people who hacked into the games and pirated them. Crazy stuff...

Anyway, maybe it's better that I don't go into the video game business. But I'd still like to though. It'd be cool to make a video game that really rocks! But to do that is much harder than I could imagine. I don't have the programming skills right now.

Anyway, Metal Gear Acid 2 will have to wait for a little bit.

Visiting my old college yesterday, I was reminded of how good things were back then. I was reminded of the atmosphere, the quality of many people and still some things about how I've changed since I left. It was nice to visit the old office and see some old faces. They really are great people and I know that I will miss them. I forgot what it was like to be in a college campus again.

The company that I'm at definitely has a lot of paralells of high school. It definitely has not been good for me and I am looking to get out of there. I know that I've changed because I have been working there for a year. I notice that my attitude has changed and also my work habits. But one thing that has been positive for me is that I really don't care anymore what my coworkers or anybody else thinks of me. So much crap has been thrown my way that I'm desensitized to a lot of the things that people there say or do. In a lot of ways, people are not very mature at that place. But what can you expect? Many of these people have never experienced anything else. Many have never experienced anything better. What can you expect from someone who doesn't know how good things can be?

Thinking about it today, I've found that I have lost my saltiness in my witness. Ie, my effectiveness. Salt is pretty powerful. You may say that it's just a spice, but it is a really useful spice that can cure wounds, preserve meat, add taste, and even cause people to seek water. It is very powerful indeed. But my witness has not been and thus the loss of my saltiness.

I talk about this a lot. Me not being effective. Maybe I just don't care anymore. Maybe I just don't desire to see people's lives changed for the better. I'm not talking about converting people, what I'm talking about is making a difference in people's lives. If they choose Jesus because of the impact that their life has been made better, then that's good, but it's their choice. Maybe apathy is deadly in that it focuses on onesself and leaves the rest of the world to their own doom. Anyway, I haven't shared Jesus with anybody there because of my lack of effectiveness.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that I don't know what reason I was placed here. I do know that I'd rather do something different with my life than throw boxes. Maybe that's the reason I was put here. Maybe that's the reason why I've been given this job. It's not to do something that only helps people for a week or a minute, but to rather try to see what purpose I have here. It's not to throw boxes around, but to really talk to the people and build friendships with them. And it doesn't mean that I agree with everything that they say, but to really get angry at the things that make God angry and to love the things that God loves. Heh, I wonder if I'll follow through with this. Right now, I'm tired of being a human chameleon. (I spelled chameleon wrong...doh...that's what I get for not studying more.)

I had a dream last night that I said something on this blog about some of my friends and their problems and one of my other friends caught me on it. I am glad that it was just a dream, but man, I felt really bad during that dream.

Anyway, I started practicing teaching in front of a mirror yesterday. Apparently I have some work that I need to do. I'm not really confident in how I teach others, probably from never feeling like an authority figure, even when I'm around kids. I've always felt like a kid around people and I don't really think of myself as an adult, even though I am. Maybe I haven't taken the responsibility that I need to take. Maybe I just need to take things more seriously and act like an adult. heh. Yeah, acting like an adult...hmm....I feel like a goofball most of the time. I guess I don't have to be serious all the time, but I need to be serious in the right moments.

Something that I thought about today is that I need to really think about my limits. What will I do and what will I not do. I have some things on my mind that I will not do. I also got to put some limits on myself and finish the things that I need to finish before I start to do the fun stuff. I've never really liked limits however...even though they are healthy, I've never really had any limits on myself except when I was a kid. And even then, I didn't like them.

Don't get me wrong, I do have limits in my life, it's just when other people force them upon me, then I get angry. But I understand most of the time. I guess maybe other people will understand if I impose my limits of what I will and will not do. Yeah...

Almost one year has passed...

It's almost the one year mark of when I first got this job at this warehouse. It doesn't seem that long ago, but one year has already passed by, and I didn't even notice it. Sure I noticed how warm it was in the summer and how cold it got in the fall and winter, but if you were ask me what I do each day, it'd be the same things over and over. Scan boxes, move heavy boxes with another person and load trucks. Not the most glamorous job out there, but it helped me pay the bills. I held my end of the agreement and stayed one year, now I'm not sure what I want to do.

Anyway, something going through my mind today was that I've changed quite a bit from one year ago. At first when I came to this place, I was shocked at how bad things were. People said some pretty weird and bad things and I was pretty shocked at those things, but now I find myself thinking those words from time to time. I guess it's not that bad, but I found that this place has had an effect on me.

Last night was the birthday of one of our friends. Well, maybe not the exact birthday, but we celebrated and got together with him. I must say that some of the things that I said were kind of weird and usually I wouldn't find myself saying those things or even laughing at those things that were mean, but I did. I kind of wonder if I had a stronger identity in Christ, would I actually do the opposite of what I did last night. I'm finding that it takes a lot of upkeep to keep oneself from falling down. And even that is not much upkeep, but I still don't do it.

I do see that things have changed and I have changed. I wonder exactly if I decided to work at the import company, would I be any better? It seemed like people weren't happy at that job either. Plus I wasn't offered a job there, but I could have pursued other jobs in the field. As of right now, I don't know what I should have done. I probably should have put the job that I applied to first on hold and went on the mission to Brazil. I'm seeing that I am really worrying about nothing. All these decisions that I worried about turned out alright. It wasn't the easiest time to go through, but things worked out in the decisions that I made instead of just sitting there doing nothing.

Anyway, a job is just a job to do. It may give some meaning to one's life, but really there's more to life than collecting a paycheck. I'm still debating on what I want to do in my life.

Community

The world is dark. I was detached from the world before I went into the work place, but after spending time around people whom I usually wouldn't talk to, I've found that there are a lot of people out there that are way different from me. And that there are misunderstandings because of our differences. But I think that regardless of our differences, we work together alright and we don't have any grudges against one another. I kind of wonder where the love is in my own life and relationships with my coworkers. I don't feel that I love them with the same love as Christ has for them.

I've said that everyone is special, but I've really become detached because of this job and just all the crap that goes on there. I guess I can't blame the job, because I should find a new job if I don't like this place. And I will.

I keep on looking for new things to buy and I think...I really don't have time to play all these games or watch all these movies. Man, I think...how much money am I spending? I decided to keep all my receits in an envelop and check it at the end of each month to see how much money I'm spending and how much of it is useful.

I see that the majority of what I spend is on gas. I guess that's not a bad thing. But I need to start saving up more money. Someone said that I should start saving up for a house. heh. I'm thinking that I need to start saving up money so I will have a place to live and enough to eat if my parents move. It seems like people are moving forward with their lives. I guess I need to get my act together and make progress. We'll see how well I do.

Wandering...aimlessly

I applied to an English teaching company in Japan and will have an interview pretty soon. I don't know what to expect...not in terms of the interview itself, but what to expect if I will be chosen or not. I mean, even though I am Japanese American, Japan is still a foreign country to me. I don't know how I'll adjust to the new environment and I am expecting culture shock in 6 months of being there. If I don't prepare for the interview then I won't have to worry about that, but I'm not sure exactly what my reasoning would be to go into this job for.

The job would be mainly teaching kids basic English skills. For some reason, I feel uneasy around kids. I feel like I'm afraid that they'll think I'm weird or some bad teacher. I'm also afraid that I'll say something wrong or cause a kid to feel bad about English that they'll not want to study it. There's a lot of responsiblity in teaching children. There's also a lot of work involved in helping them to understand and finding ways for them to participate in the learning lessons. I wonder if I have any business in teaching children. I guess we'll all have our difficulties in teaching...but I can't help but wonder if everyone is "right" about me.

I tend to think that other people "think" things about me, when in reality I don't know if they think that or not. But I feel like people are saying stuff about me, when in reality I don't know if they are or not. I just know that I always tend to do something wrong that causes people to not talk to me anymore. Maybe I'm not interesting enough or maybe I'm causing people to not want to be around me, but I feel like there's something happening and I'm not aware of it. Maybe it's all in my imagination.

I don't know what is in my future, but I know that I have to keep on moving or else I'll be at this specific job I'm at now for another year. I kind of think that God might want me at this job for another year, but I don't know if I can take this for another year. The hours are killing me and I'm not able to go to a whole lot of things that go on outside of the job. I think my not showing up has been one of the factors of why people don't invite me to some things anymore. But then again, there have been times where I was invited and I said no, because I felt anti social. Yeah, too much video games. That could be one reason why I'm so tired all the time. Staying up too late playing Magna Carta Tears of Blood, or Radiata Stories, or Dragon Quest VIII. Yes, I'm playing all those games in addition to some other PS1 games that I haven't finished yet. Man, I've got to stop buying games. Ebay has really increased my game collection! Heh, I went from job to games. heh. Hmm...maybe I should find a job that deals with games.


Anyway, I wonder exactly where I'm going in life. Maybe it's nowhere. Maybe I'll be destined to be a loser my whole life. nah. It seems like a lot of people I know are making progress in their life. But me, I'm not. I think regardless of whether or not you make progress in a job, the most important thing is that you make progress with your relationship with God if you're Christian. And right now, I am not doing that. I've been really lazy because I've been playing so many video games after work. I guess I need to get back into the habit of doing the right things again. Maybe then, I'll move forward.

Work...

I work with a guy who I found out is Christian. He's a pretty cool guy, but I find that I'm getting really angry at him from time to time. It's not his fault though, but I think it's moreso my failings at my workplace from being tired and that I'm blaming him for my mistakes. It's so easy to say that someone else is the problem, when in reality, I need to get my act together and get my life in order.

Life...in the past...

I used to think that the whole world was the problem. Everything went wrong for me. Everything hurt me. But it wasn't the world that was the problem. It was what I was doing and saying that caused things to go wrong and things to hurt me. Don't get me wrong...not everything is your fault...those of you who are reading. But for me, I was the problem, not the world. I'm just glad that I have help now. And that I received help in the past from some key people. Not everyone knows how to help someone else and sometimes it's beyond our knowhow to help someone. We could cause someone else to feel worse. That's why if things get too bad, then see professional help or if someone you know is doing really bad then you might suggest to them (not in a condescending way, but in a loving way,) that they seek help from someone trained to help people to get better. But somewhere down the line, the person who is seeking help must want to get better. It may not come immediately, it may take years, but that person has to humble himself/herself and ask what he/she can do to get better and be willing to do it. It's not necessarily "doing" that makes the person better...it's kind of like a process. But if someone is there walking with you, and they have the correct perspectives, then it can really help the person needing help. That's why pros are important and that's why they go to school...because there has been a long line of documentations of success stories of what worked and what didn't work. Not saying that it'll work all the time...but yeah, there's a better chance.

Anyway, I've babbled on and on about this. People could care less about what happened in the past sometimes. Not everyone has time to hear it and not everyone wants to hear it. But really, healing needs to happen and sometimes a professional can help.

Back to my life...

I've found that I have a lot of wounds that are still not healed and they affect things today. I really don't know if it's possible to heal them. I know that God can do that, but I'm reluctant to ask Him. Guilt stains my inner being. I hold onto it, because I feel that if I keep this, then I won't hurt other people as I did before. But then it hurts me and strains my friendships. Endless cycle, maybe. The obvious answer is to let it go and to find a way to make things right. Maybe I should pray for healing.

Heh, it reminds me of an Adam Sandler movie where he goes back to school...I think it was "Billy Madison". He was made to feel bad about himself and he remembered some people that he made fun of back in the day. He called this one guy up and apologized for what he did so long ago and then the guy said that "it's alright. Thank you for calling." Then he scratched Billy off his hit list.

There's lots of bad memories in my life. But one thing that I'm glad is that God is there, and He knows everything. I guess I've got to forgive and forgive myself. Sometimes it's not possible to make everything right. (Maybe that's my lack of faith.) I feel that things won't be the way that I want them to be, and I'm okay with that. Not saying that my way is right, but saying that separation maybe better for them and me.



Anyway, I wrote a lot of stuff.

I beat Metal Gear Acid recently. It is a pretty good game in my opinion. It's not for everybody though, because it's more tactical than action packed. But I like games where there's more strategy involved.

Anyway, there's a lot of twists and turns in the game, but lets just say that it was pretty weird at times. Hmm...I kind of wonder if all the other games were like that. I haven't beaten any other game of Metal gear except this one.

Anyway, the 2nd MGA has already come out and I'm planning to pick that up as well. We'll see if the improved gameplay is any better than the first one.

Yeah, I was pissed off. Many bad things happened today. Also this past weekend too. But I think that I tend to focus on the bad things more than the good. Sometimes even little things can start to bug me. Especially if a lot of them happen at once. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't let minor things bother me that much because there are worse things that could happen.

I was late to work today. I got a call saying that the person that I was supposed to pick up called and said that I didn't show up. I was still sleeping when they called. So that's why I'm up now...I went to sleep earlier and I'm going to stay up for the rest of the night so I don't miss tomorrow.

I felt so bad today and a whole bunch of things compounded on each other to really make me so angry. I tend to get lost in my thoughts from time to time and I was remembering a whole lot of bad things that happened recently. Most of them were minor, but it just really bugged me. I guess I've got to let these things go and move on. Leave them at work and in the past. Why carry these things on my shoulders?

Anyway, I keep on thinking, "Why am I here?" "What purpose do I have on this earth?" "Am I doing anything right?" I don't know. And frankly, I won't know until I see the results.

Well enough about the negative.

I'm reminded that even though people may not see it, God loves the world and its people. Even though people may not like each other or even hate each other, God desires for us to be at peace with one another. Or at least I think so...given the verse, "If anyone says, I love God yet hates his brother he is a liar, because one cannot love God whom he has not seen if he doesn't love his brother whom he has seen." I think that is in the book 1 John somewhere. Not the gospel of John, but the letter of John to a church. I'm reminded that I really need to try to love those who don't like me or even may be angry at me. I'm reminded that I need to forgive others as Christ forgave me. And I'm reminded that I should at least try to make things right...but I know that it's not always possible for me alone. If it's not possible for me alone, I need to pray because all things are possible through God. Not saying that God will give you everything that you want, but saying that He can make things right, even though it may not be what you expect it to be.

Anyway, I don't know why I have a blog in the first place. But I like to write, even if it's just off the top of my head. Maybe I do this for my own sanity.

Yeah, like I really want to tell the whole world what's going on in my life. Probably most of you think I'm an idiot or not that smart. I could care less. I don't even know why I blog at all and I'm considering just getting rid of this thing.

What good has it done for anybody? What good has it done for me? I feel that this has damaged me and my relationships more than helped it. Maybe I'm too honest for my own good and people misinterpret that in their own way. All I know is that I'd rather be not known by people rather than people thinking that they know me without even talking to me.

I AM alone. And I feel that there's better things that I could do with my time than blog. Why do people blog anyway? To get comments or feedback? Or those little coins on Xanga? Unlike another friend of mine whom I respect, I don't really write anything about making society better. I used to write spiritual things on my blog, but really, I don't know who reads this and what they will use it for. Some of the best things in life can become perverted to fit other people's agendas.

Anyway, I'd rather remain anonymous than judged by the whole world.

Bruce Lee said something that a psychologist once said.

It went something like this...this is not exact.

"I am me and you are you.
I have my separate life and y0u have yours.
If our paths meet, it is a beautiful thing,
But we each leave and go our separate ways."

Anyway, I'm going my own now.

One week of solitude except for work. And no, there won't be any parties at my house. haha. I guess I can either catch up on my hw or catch up on my video games. Either one...hmm....

Okay, it seems like I have a problem saving up money that I have in my checking account. I think the answer is to go back to putting two paychecks in my savings and two in my checking. I owe my mom money and I owe someone else money too. I guess I should save my refund and pay back my debts. It's only decent to pay back what you owe.

I broke down and bought a Japanese playstation 2. A website called www.yesasia.com sells asian goods for a reasonable price. But they're encoded with the original region codes, so you might not be able to play the DVDs or games. But yeah, just looking at how much I spent on that, it's crazy that I would spend that much on something that will go down in price later on. Especially when the PS3 comes out.

Anyway, buying from this site is always a risk, because you'll never know if it will come damaged in the mail or not. But we'll see. It may come damaged or not. I might have just wasted my money. But if not, then I'll buy some more goods from there again. Anyway, it's probably best to use paypal on that site.

I'm thinking that I need to find a new job, so I can save up more money. But then I think...what do I want to do in life? I don't know. I guess we'll see what happens with this next opportunity that is coming up. Yeah, I applied to something. But we'll see if they like me or not. Who knows...

Okay, well that's enough babbling for one day.

Today, I felt more comfortable at work. People were joking around and it was an all around good day for the workers. I think that management gets kind of frantic when we don't meet a good number per hour, because they get yelled at or something. But they're not hard on us, they just tell us to get to work.

Anyway, it was kind of hard to get to work, because I was laughing. I had a good day today, but I felt kind of useless at times. I should try to learn how to work hard while not being so serious. But it's kind of hard, because I tend to relax when I'm laughing and I tense up when I'm serious. Sort of opposites.

I'm wondering exactly where I fit in the larger scheme though. I'm wondering what I'm doing here at this company. Lately, I've been seeing this as only a job and only that. I've neglected to reach out to my coworkers and I can see where the relationships are fading in terms of me and them.

Anyway, I don't know how much longer I'll be at this job, but I do think that there are some good things that I've learned from it. I've learned again and again that people are people no matter where you go. I've said this to someone else before that "people are people", but I've come to understand it from the other person's point of view when the people don't like you. But I've learned that it's not necessarily that people don't "like" me per se, but moreso that people don't "know" me. And I haven't done much to make myself known or to give them an idea of who I am. People know me as someone silent, but they don't know...me. I haven't unleashed the beast. heh, I wouldn't go that far, but I'd say that I haven't been participating in certain things.

Anyway, I'll end here, because I put this on hold and forgot what I was writing about.

When it comes to focusing on the important things in a conversation, I'm a total space case. I tend to go off on tangents for some reason.

Anyway, today I was talking to someone at work and when I was talking, my points were going here and there. I didn't mean for it to be so random, but the way that my sentences came out I meant different things than what they thought I was saying. Hmm..I guess I need to focus on one point and only focus on that when I'm talking. Sounds kind of boring, but I think that's how most people talk. They usually have a topic and talk about the topic. While in my case, I just tend to go on different points about the topic, but people think that I'm still talking about the first point. Hmm...maybe I should work on my speaking ability some more.

Hmm...yeah...that could be one reason why people don't like talking to me. heh

Crazy last week...

My week wasn't so crazy, but one thing about it was. When I was driving to go pick up someone late at night, there was this blockade of police cars blocking my way there. I stop thinking that there's nothing serious that happened. The last time there was a blockade of police cars was around this time when I was going to work and it was just because they were pulling over someone. The car in front of me makes a u turn and I pull up a little closer to see what happened. Apparently there was smoke coming from this car turned on its side. A policeman is scrambling back to his car and runs back to the car on its side.

I thought, "this looks serious." I make a u turn and go a different route. A fire truck is coming along with another police car going down the next street at the intersection...probably so that the blockade doesn't have to move and they can get to the car on the other side.

I pick up my friend and tell him about it. We go to work.

Today, he told me that he got a phone call from his girlfriend saying that so and so, his friend, died. The car that I saw had his friend inside of it. Apparently he was trying to run away from a cop in his car and was going too fast on the turn. It was just a little before I got there. I'm glad that I was late, or else I might have been hurt or worse yet...dead.

Anyway, I guess I have to be careful when driving around at night. I wonder if he was speeding and was trying to get away just because of the fear of getting a speeding ticket. It's really tragic, because this guy was only like around 18-19 years old.

As I drove by the same area today, I saw a whole bunch of candles lit in the exact spot where I saw the overturned car. Crazy...

I guess it's really fragile. Life that is. Anybody could be here one moment and the next be taken away. I feel sorry for the guy who died. I'm also happy that I was late and didn't have to witness that or be part of that. It's crazy that the guy that I was picking up was a friend of the guy who died.

I don't know what to say.

Today I was reminded that God loves all people. A medical mission team sent from our church went to an Asian country. Hearing some of the testimonies from the people that went was really encouraging. I don't want to write too much, because I'm going to go to sleep soon, but I thought that here is one example of God reaching other people. It was good to hear the heart that the missionaries have for the people that they outreached to.

It makes me think about my own walk and where I'm at now. One thing that someone said to me today was that, "you have to experience God here first, before you go out." While I do agree with that statement, I wonder exactly if I will ever go out. Is it true? I'd say that with this class that I'm taking that one point comes to mind. "If you can't reach people of your own culture, or even people in your own family, then what makes you think that you can reach people of another culture?" So I guess in a sense, it is. It's so much harder to reach people of a different culture, because there are a lot of things different. It's not a bad thing, but it does present a barrier if you don't understand their culture, or how things are presented or passed down, etc.

Anyway, I wonder exactly where I'm headed. Where am I headed to? I really don't know where I'm going. What I do know is that I'm not doing what I should be doing. I'm thinking that what that person said today is true. It has to start here in my heart with God in a relationship, before it can go out and reach the nations. If I don't have that, then why would I think that I'd be anymore effective than I am now in my own country?

Work went okay today. It started out good, but at the end, we got killed on one belt. I was on that belt at the end of the day.

We were heavy today, which is not something that anybody wants to hear. When we were finished at the unload, I went to load trucks. Man, there was so much crap outside of that truck. Plus there was a lot of crap inside of that truck too. It was all mixed together on the outside, so I did the best I could and tried to get all the nose packages in first, but had to get some of the rear packages in too so I could make some progress.

Well, I think that people could tell that I was frustrated. I was working slower because I had to manuever around packages all over the car. I don't know how we got them all in there, but they all fit right up to the back. I don't think that the driver is going to be happy with this load, but then again, all he needs to do is deliver it. Which might involve him making some backtracking trips. But other than that, I'd say that the day went well.

Seeing what the drivers have to put up with everyday, I'm thinking that I don't want to advance in this company. Even though they start out at $17.50 an hour, it'd take me around 2-5 years to get promoted to that, which I'm not willing to do. I'd say however that this company is good for those who don't have a college education. It provides opportunities for people who are hardworking, yet don't have a degree. It's hard work though, and I wouldn't recommend this job to everyone. But it does have its good points about it.

I really think that I could do better than this job, but for now, I'm using this job as a way to earn money so that I'm not going to be left out to dry. I guess that's one reason why I should be saving up money.

Money...

I know that I shouldn't be motivated to action by guilt, but motivated to action by love. Sometimes I feel that I lack that. My heart seems like it lacks that and I end up doing things because I know that it will help someone else out, yet there's something missing inside. I guess I should spend more time with God. Yeah, that'd be good. heh.

Some thoughts about life

The past few weeks, I've been having a pity party. I've been thinking that I'm such a loser. A lot of things have been contributing to this, but this past Saturday I was reminded that God loves me regardless of what I do as a job. He loves regardless of what other people may think about me. He loves me regardless of my fears and what I don't do as a result.

I've been feeling pretty bad at work, but then I was reminded that I make my own time there. I can choose to feel depressed or I can work to make myself better. I know how to make myself better, because I've gotten there before. I know how to get there, I'm just lazy in getting there. Anyway, things have been getting better the past couple of days since I snapped out of this funk. I really don't care what other people think anymore. I can focus on liking myself as who I am and not worry so much about whether or not people like me or even accept me. Highly idealistic right now, but I'm hoping to make this a reality in my life again.

One thing that one person told me is that it's not about avoiding feeling bad. What it's about is bouncing back and getting back to feeling good about yourself. So how that relates to me is that I know that bad times will come. I expect them to come. And when they do come, I shouldn't stay down in a depression, but learn to bounce back. I've had to catch myself a couple of times when I stopped bouncing back to where I was before. I'm thinking that I need to work on this some more.

Anyway, I can't do this alone and I don't expect to do this alone. The one person that I've always depended on is God alone. He understands everything that I go through. And even though I've turned away from Him for a little bit, I'm starting to get back into the better habits. Yeah, God has been the only person that I could turn to in everything. And I really should treat Him better than I do now. And I should really listen and obey, even if it's hard. The alternative to doing that is following my own desires again and falling back into that funk. Hmm...I guess I'll always wrestle with this.

Anyway, that's the update on my life.

Pipe Dreams

I'm wondering if I really want to be a translator, or if this is some pipe dream of mine that will never come to pass because I'm not serious about being one.

I don't know. I think that it would be a really good job for me, but I wonder if I'd go crazy doing it. I guess that's one thing that I need to consider. If I could handle being a translator by doing a whole bunch of work by myself, or if I could handle the fast paced environment of being a tsuyaku translator (an interpreter). This is all dreams right now, and it may never come to pass.

I guess I need to make time for something. What am I going to do? I think that I'll play video games with my Japanese playstation. That way, I'll get a feel of how people talk and how people test my understanding of the basic Japanese spoken dialogue. I don't have access to dramas anymore, so I guess I'll have to find a place where I can download them, or buy them. Maybe Japanese movies are the way to go.

Hmm...I've never actually understood what a "Pipe Dream" is. I only remember a video game resembling that. I think what it is is that it's something that is a big dream, but not easy to do. I guess I dream small when I think big. But it's my life, and I'm not looking for fame. I'd like to have enough money to eat and play video games. I kind of wonder if I'd be able to work in a video game field translating. That's what I'd like to do the most. But really, my Japanese is not fluent right now and there's a lot that I don't know. I guess self study is the way and actually going to Japan someday. When will that happen...I'm not sure with my complications in life.

Thoughts...

I think that God is showing me that some things that I held onto dearly aren't so important after all. I knew that before, but didn't want to let it go. What I learned today is that I need to seek first the kingdom of God before anything else. Before I do anything or give anything, I need to seek first God and His Kingdom. Really, that's what matters most. God and people. Man, so simple, yet so hard to focus on only these. I'm not saying that nothing else is important, or that you should give up everything you have, but what I am saying is that these two are the most important there are. These two matter most to God. That you love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and that you love your neighbor as yourself. I kind of think that God is really practical. So simple, yet so deep. The video games that I have only have one face to them. While God and people have so many different characteristics to them.

Real life...man...to me this is like turning my whole world upside down. hehe. But I've been focusing on the wrong thing.

I haven't written consistently for awhile. I've been reluctant to share my feelings online, because many people don't know me and some who do know me might know what I'm talking about. But I think that it has been a good time of just thinking through things for awhile.

Lent

It is now the Lent season. I wonder each year why is it that I do this? Why do I break my routine and do this? Am I doing it for God? Or am I doing it just to fast. I'd like to think that I'm doing this for God, but really, I think that I have a habit of doing this for myself. Someone once said that Lent consists of doing something with the time that you now have instead of doing without something. What I interpret this as is spending time with God and reading His Word. Hopefully my relationship with Him will grow stronger and that I'd really grow in love for God. But we'll see how well I can stay focused.

This year, I'm fasting coffee and one other thing which may seem kind of ridiculous. I tend to look for deals online when I get home from work and that takes about one to two hours of my day. I spent so much time looking for deals that I ended up losing a lot of the best hours of my day. So I decided to not search online unless I know exactly what it is that I want to buy. I'm not going to look through the ads that I'm sent every other day on my email.

Work...

Work seems to be going good for the moment. I got sent down to a belt today to help out. Apparently one of the guys felt sick during the middle of the shift and a lot of things got piled up outside of the trucks that he was supposed to load. He came back after he threw up, which was one hour before the shift ended. heh. It's all good though. He's a good worker and everyone will forget this in the near future. Everyday at this company seems like it's the same thing over and over again.

There were a lot of late trains this past week, so we were heavy today. We are usually heavy on Mondays, because shipments over the weekend come in and we have multiple days that we have to catch up on. Well, I guess it's only Saturday and Sunday. And I guess it's not that bad either.

I'm getting along with the people at work. I don't talk to them that much though and they don't bother me. I'm not sure what to talk to them about. Maybe I should take a risk and see what conversations could come up. But then again, it seems like they all are listening to some of the other guys' conversations.

Nothing interesting today...yeah.

What has changed?

One thing that came to mind as I was reading my Perspectives reader was that someone once said to me when I asked them, "Since I became a Christian, haven't you seen any change in me?" This was to a person who knew me before I became a Christian. He said, "no, I don't." He told me some reasons why and I don't remember too much of what he said. But I do remember the conversation that we had about the great examples that some Muslim people he met were and some bad examples of Christians that he knew.

When I think about things in perspective of this class, I probably could have answered him a little better after reading some of the text and listening to the speakers. But back then, I didn't know much about the Bible, and still today, I don't know that much, even though I know a little more.

Anyway, I lost contact with him, because of various reasons, but I still remember that he probably didn't understand, as a lot of other people don't understand what following Christ is about. I'm seeing that I have a long way to go to catch up in my faith and I wonder if I ever will get any further.

When I think about my life since I became a Christian and a pivotal moment in my walk I think, what has changed? What, if anything has changed? How have I grown? How am I following God any closer than I was before? I really can't think of any major thing that I've really done to follow God any closer. I can think of some minor things, but really, I have not given my life up, or as some would say, "be sold out for Christ."

Anyway, I don't think that this is going to be answered overnight or anytime soon, but this class is getting me to think about some things and I really need to make some decisions.

I've been a Christian for 6 years now. I can't keep staying in this toddler stage. I need to move forward. So I guess the question is, "What am I going to do?" I have some ideas for some baby steps

I seem to have a hard time with waking up for important events. Most of my time seems like it's spent sleeping. I wonder why. Maybe I need to sleep more now that I'm sleeping during part of the day, ie. not sleeping that well.

I've missed the past couple of bible studies, because I've been too tired to go. I've overslept for a majority of them. I always feel so tired. Why is that? Maybe this weird sleeping schedule is not good for me.

Anyway, I guess I wouldn't be sleeping if I didn't need it.