I only have so much time left here in the US. It's kind of weird that I'll be going. I know that it's going to be tougher in Japan and stricter, but I feel that this is a step that I must take. I don't know what I'm going to do if I come back, but we'll see. 7 months is not too long and I think that the time will pass by quickly.

I wonder exactly what I'll do with my time there. I can imagine that I'm going to be lonely for quite awhile. I'm not sure if I can make new friends over there. I'm not sure that if I even do make friends over there that I'd be able to keep them. I'm having doubts to say the least about if I can make it over there.

Anyway, I know that things will be different. I'm leaving everything and everyone I know and going to a foreign country. I kind of wonder if this is wise of me to do this...but maybe this is something that I must do. Otherwise I'll never know what it's like to live in Japan.

I'll have to be more responsible than I am now. I can't go in unprepared and give a crappy lesson that's for sure. From what I've read in the information packet, it really is a different place than the US.

One other thing on my mind is that I'm using up pretty much all my savings that I've saved up since I was a kid to go on this new job. They aren't paying any of my airfare either way and my housing is going to cost an arm and a leg. From what I read, you have to make a down payment of so much money and put in the rent also. The company told us to bring $5000 with us so that we'll survive until our first paycheck, which is in 2 months from the time we start. Half of that will at least go to the apartment and setting it up. We'll have to buy all our supplies there, except for toiletries, which are expensive there also. Then we'll have to survive on around $1500 to $2000 leftover for two months until our paycheck. The paycheck is only around $2000 itself before taxes. Then I should be able to relax for a little bit, but there are some other complications that I have that I'll have to watch out for. We'll see though. As I said, 7 months is not a long time and I can choose to end my contract at that time.

In my current job right now, I'd actually be able to save more money than if I go to Japan with this new job. Even though I get paid more at my Japan job, I still would be able to save more with my current job. One reason is that I don't pay rent at home and I get great benefits from my employer now. But I've made this choice for now. I can't ever go back to my current job after this. Why? I don't want to. But who knows, I might have to sometime in the future and break my word.

Well, all I got to say is, I have a reason for going to Japan. That is, to learn Japanese. I don't know how that will turn out. But if I'm focused enough, and willing enough, then it could be a great experience. Here in the US, even with people who are from Japan and could speak Japanese to me, I feel really akward speaking to them in Japanese. So I don't practice with them. I guess I'll never learn that way. heh.

I guess you can't learn something if you don't put in the time and effort to learn it.

One of my friends already left for Japan a couple of days ago. I wonder how he's doing.

Today was a really rough day at work. I felt pretty bad all throughout the day. I'm not sick, but I think that the lack of good sleep has really made me wacked out. Did I use that in the right context? heh. Anyway, it's not only that, a lot of other things that happened throughout this past week since my parents left and came back has been pretty nerve wracking also.

I think that one thing that always sticks in my mind is that my dad always has a way to make me upset when I tell him something that's not going well. I don't know why he does that, but he tends to make me feel bad about myself. He doesn't mean to make me feel worse, it's just that he does. I know that I have that trait in myself too. When someone tells me something that's not going well I can, at times, make that person feel worse. I didn't intend to do that, it's just that I didn't watch what I said, so I think that's another reason why I watch what I say more often and why I listen a lot more. At times we try not to be like our family, yet in so many ways we are very much like them. In more ways than you think.

Anyway, things built up to today. I lost it at work and went into a silent rage. I think that people can tell when I'm upset. I don't hide it too well. But I think that people gave me space and they didn't seem like they were upset by me either. So I guess I'm glad to get this day over with.

I'm not sure why I'm here sometimes. I'm not sure why God created me. I know it is to do good works and for other purposes too. But I can't help but wonder if everyone else would be better off if I wasn't there. I know, however, that nobody is perfect and that we all have flaws. I know that there will be something that will not go right from time to time. I know why I'm not living a life that means something right now. I guess it really depends on me. What do I want in my life? Where do I see myself in the future? What will I do right now to make that happen? What are some steps that I can take to grow? And how can I keep that up?

Okay, lets do it.

Did someone say baseball?

I went to a game yesterday. My first one in 3 years! I forgot a lot about what it's like being there the stadium. It was a great experience. But part of me was wondering why I go.

It's not that my friends aren't nice to me or that they don't treat me well, it's just that I don't say very much and I feel like I'm just a walking wall. Sometimes it makes me feel like I don't belong there with my friends. But I know that if I want to belong I've got to speak up and take part of my friendship with them. Hopefully I'll develop this more in Japan.

As the night progressed, people talked to me and made efforts to reach out to me. I was surprised, because I honestly thought that my friends didn't want me around. But I guess I was wrong. I guess that shows what happens when you can't hang around your friends that often. Man, my thinking is irrational quite a bit, and I kind of wonder why that is. I'm guessing it's that my lack of experience with friendships and friends altogether is novice. I missed out on a lot in Jr. High and High school in terms of friendships. I never really had that many friends...and hardly any I'd call good friends. There were only two friends that I would call good friends in high school. And they were my only friends.

I don't think that those are the only reasons though. But still, life is simple, yet it's not simple. sometimes what we think is the root of the cause is not the root, but a byproduct of something else. So I really don't know.

Anyway, I've grown quite a bit since high school, but still, I have a long way to go to catch up to everyone else. I know what I need to do...I just don't want to do it right now. And I know that unless I change, I'll still be stuck here in this rut for a long long time.

I've struggled with this for a long time now. I guess I haven't changed that much.

If you notice the time right now, I missed church again. It's becoming a bad habit nowadays. I just forgot to set my alarm before I went to sleep. Man was I tired...I think that this is really becoming a problem because I only have so many days left here and I won't be seeing them for awhile. Oh well...

A wedding...

I woke up around 10 yesterday. I knew that it was my friend's wedding that day and I wasn't sure if I was going to go. I felt like all the other times that I've declined to go to something. Maybe I just wanted to do what I wanted to do instead of celebrating with my friend his new life together with his fiancee now his wife. Yeah, selfish of me. But I went anyway, and I had a really good time.

It seems like I tend to want to be alone, yet humans are not supposed to be alone. They need other people or companionship. I think the reason why I tend to want to be alone is that I have been alone for a majority of my life. It's safer than being with others. You don't hurt others or get hurt by others. But everyone needs somebody sometime.

So I left after I walked the dog. I thought that I was going to be late. But the wedding started a little later than scheduled, so it was lucky for me.

All throughout the wedding, I was thinking, "they sure are a good couple." I also was happy for my friend because he found someone who is a really great person. I don't know her that well, but she's always been nice to me, even though I don't know how to relate to people from time to time. I don't say very much so it makes people uncomfortable or bored with me. Hmm...maybe I need to say something so that I break this habit of being silent...even if it sounds stupid. I've always tried to watch what I say because my dad would say things off the top of his head and it would sound really bad. He didn't even mean what he said, but he would say things that just put him in a bad picture.

Back to the wedding. For once I understood what Jesus said when the friend of the bridegroom rejoices when the bride and bridegroom come together. I forgot what He was referencing, but I think that it had to do with Jesus coming back to earth. Anyway, that's not what I meant, but I understood that people want to see other people that they care about happy. Hmm...I wonder when Jesus will come back to earth, and if I will be happy when He does. Hmm...

I felt happy for once. Here I was celebrating with the rest a joyful occasion. I'm happy for my friend and his wife. I don't know what to say sometimes. But I'm glad that they found each other.

I'm also glad that I was a part of their wedding. Not in any significant way, but just being able to witness their coming together was really special.

I kind of wonder sometimes where I'll be in ten years. Will I be married? Will I be worshipping God in my life? Will I be doing anything for Him? I think that getting married, while a major step in one's life, is not what I should be focusing on. Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you. Not saying that you will get married if you follow God, but saying that life will be fulfilling. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy...in fact it's tougher to follow God than to not follow God. I wonder exactly what I'm doing here on earth.

I think for me though, it's best that I don't focus so much on finding a wife, that will come if I'm ready and mature enough for a wife. But, I know that getting married to the right person is really something that is from God alone. Maybe I never will get married. Not saying that I won't ever be mature enough, but I wonder where God will lead me. And I also wonder if I will follow.

Recently, I've been following my own path that I've been cutting and hacking. Maybe this is the wide path that leads to death. I don't know anymore. All I know is that I don't have any direction of where to go. So I'm finding my own way.

Anyway, I've digressed quite a bit.

Video games...

I've been playing video games like mad when I come home from work. I've been trying to make the most of my collection while I'm still here.

Anyway, I should really get going...

The countdown continues...

as one of my friends put it in relation to me going to Japan. Yes, I talk like this...do you have a problem wid it?!

Anyway, back to Japan, I am going to be leaving pretty soon. Just 5 more weeks until I'm out of the US for awhile. Man, when I went to Japan the first time I couldn't wait to leave the US. But since I made friends in college and have a church to go I am finding it harder to leave. I think that things are going pretty well over here in the US, but when I look back on my blog and this past year of work I see a different story.

Waking up at 2 in the morning. The hum of conveyor belts. The loud screeching noise of an unoiled belt (that I work on.) Some of the guys yelling weird stuff at each other. High stress due to the amount of packages coming through. Dirt and dust in your nose. And other things to boot.

I guess it wasn't such a bad job though. I mean, I made some friends there...even if they are only just coworkers. You can find some great people at some of the these lowly jobs. They may not have a degree, but they have at least common sense on how to do their job well. I'd say that they have been the best part about working at this job and the hardest part too. But I'd say that I'm going to miss this place when I leave.


Man, I'm going crazy at work. The belt (that I work on and mentioned above) screeches every time a box is put on the belt. The heavier the box, the worse the scream of the banshee is. I'm buying ear plugs this weekend. I guess what's more important is not having to put up with the noise instead of hearing instructions from the other guy I work with. Hey, if you heard a loud, long screeching noise every time a box was put on your belt, you'd go a little crazy too. That, or the hours will do something bad to you. Like age you...seriously.

I guess my managers could tell that I'm having a tough time with this noise because they've been sending me upstairs every day this past week. I was seriously getting pissed from that noise. Then I calmed down when I was sent upstairs. Man...I don't know how much longer I can take that noise. But then hopefully the earplugs will work.

Well...back to Japan...The plane ticket is going to cost around $1500. The company doesn't pay your way over, so I'm thinking of staying an extra year if they offer me one to make up the difference. Unless God tells me to come home after my first year.

Goodbyes...

We said goodbye to one of our friends last night. There's so much I didn't know about him, but I could totally see that in him, even though I didn't know about it. It's in his character and he'll do some great work over there.

He became a Christian 13 years ago and he's done some great things as from the testimonies given by a lot of people at the goodbye party. Well, I should have signed up for his email thing, but there were a lot of people already at the table, so I left early because I was getting tired. Yeah, I'm lame...

Okay, well enough bashing today on myself. If I don't stop then I'm going to feel even worse. heh.

I didn't do it...

When I got to work today, I found that my manager was busy running around and getting things done. I waited and waited until there was a good time, but there just wasn't any. I guess if I really wanted to apologize, then I should have done so, but I guess I didn't really want to. Anyway, my manager didn't seem too upset at me, so I took it that things were okay. Convienient excuse...

Faith and Race...

I went to a faith and race discussion class last night that will meet once every week for 5 weeks. I must say that I was a little hesistant in going. I mean, I went to perspectives and I found that stuff to be over my head. Perspectives is a lot of work if you are taking it for the certificate, which I did and didn't receive because I was too wound up in how much work there was. But I signed up anyway because that was what our small group is doing.

So I get there with my small group and listen to the pastor talk about the history of faith and race in the Bible and in other cultures and religions. Pretty interesting stuff. It's complicated and I don't want to get into the details. I kind of get the picture, it was from being segregated to understanding one another...which hasn't happened yet.

We watched part of a video where people from different ethnicities came together, including caucasian (just for those who might not think of caucasian as an ethnicity), and talked about race and their views on it. It was pretty heated and I understand that a lot of people just don't get it.

What stuck out the most from what one of the people in the video said was, "I'm not afraid of the KKK or white supremisists. The people that have done the most damage to me was not those people, but...the church goers, the middle class, the 'good' people."

Probably most of you can't understand that. I admit that I didn't realize that either. But when I look at things, he did speak truth.

Anyway, it's a gritty topic and I'm sure that it won't be solved by this blog. But, what I do know is that there are problems here in the US and in the world. And it's not from the people of color. If you don't know the history of what 'white' people have done, then you won't understand. And it doesn't only stem from slavery.

But I think that for the most part, people shouldn't be our enemies. Why I keep saying that terrorists are not our enemies, is that they are people like us looking for a cause in their lives. If you look at 9/11, you can see the pain and hurt that our country experienced by that terrorist attack. What you don't know is all the stuff that has happened to them to make them want to do that to us. The US has caused a lot of trouble in the middle east, not saying that we only do bad in the middle east, but I'm saying that we are part of the problem of why terrorists attack us, and why they continue to attack us.

I digressed, but what I'm saying is, people are not the enemy regardless of what organization they belong to. In Christian belief, Satan is the enemy and people are not. But what it seems like in the US nowadays is that we make the terrorists our enemies so that we have a reason to go and fight and try to make others like us. That in itself will never work. Why? You may ask?
How hard is it for you to lose 5 lbs.? How hard is it for an old dog to learn new tricks? How hard is it for a wife to change a husband, or a husband to change a wife? How hard is it to change yourself? I find it amazing that people think that they can change another person to be like themselves, when in reality, if a person doesn't want to change, they won't. So, how do you in effect try to make others like the United States of America? A democracy in Iraq will not be the same as a democracy in the United States.

Look at Japan. Japan's democracy is radically different from the United States' democracy. You may say that they have a different constitution...but if you look at things, it's still the United States' original constitution that they created for Japan and Japan hasn't changed it in the slightest. It's still the same as when they created it 50 some plus years ago. But, if you look at things, "so much has changed in Japan, and yet so much has not changed" according to my professor. What he was trying to beat into our minds was that the cultural norms and habits have not changed one bit. It still remains Japan, yet it is governed differently in context of their culture.

Great, now I'm going to profiled. Maybe I already am...

Anyway, my professor really hopes that things will work out in Iraq, but from past history, it's going to be hard. It will not be like Japan, because Japan is totally different from Iraq. We'll see though. Maybe the invasion of Iraq will be a good thing down the line in the future. Who knows.

Anyway, I digressed from what I was trying to say. People are not our enemies, whether they treat us ill or harm us. But, I know that's not something that everyone can take. Even myself...as I get angry at people from time time, I can't but help but think that they are my enemy, even though I may never see them again. I guess what I'm trying to say is this,

We are all related to each other on this earth. Regardless of what the other looks like we are related to them. What isn't happening though is an understanding of each other. We are all created different for a reason, so that there will be diversity. But diversity is not always looked upon as good. I'm not sure what needs to happen, but I think my point about writing this long entry was that the church needs to understand people from the people's point of view and not from their point of view.

I've known this for awhile. I try to understand people, but I do fall down. Plus I do judge from to time and have to catch myself. Nobody is immune to judging others, it's human nature. But we are called not to judge or else we too will be judged. We are called not to condemn or else we too will be condemned. Forgive and we will be forgiven.

I was told that slavery is as American as apple pie. I was also told that the Christians who didn't go with the norm of slavery started an abolitionist movement because it didn't go with the bible. So often did people try to use the Bible to justify slavery. But few disagreed and did something about it. I'm not saying that it was perfect, but what I'm saying is this...

the faith and race discussion group things are so that we can be a catalyst to making things right in any small or large way we can. Race is an issue today, because people have notions of other people without even getting to know them. And even when they get to know them, there is still some lingering sterotype or bias that is labeled to someone whether it's a good label or a bad label.

This is a long post, but yeah, if you can see people totally different from you as being human, not meaning the same as your habits or your culture, but meaning the same as you in terms of equality and being the same level as you, then that's one step. That's one step out of a long journey.

That is why I say that the terrorists are not our enemies. That is why I say that people are not our enemies. Because the terrorists like us, were born from a mother and father, were raised up and experienced life whether good or bad as all of us do. Why they are seeking to harm us could be because we harmed them in some way, whether intentionally, or unintentionally. Anyway, there's a long histroy behind all of this and it spans further than the birth of the United States.

Anyway, end rant...

Today at work things didn't go well. I messed up on something and got scolded. I was angry for a little while, but after work I kept telling myself, "Try to see it from their point of view." I kept on replaying what went on at work today. All the not in service labels which were causing the packages to be sent upstairs, all the work they must be doing to keep up up there too and how frustrated I got when I had to scan something and snatch it off the belt if the label came out blank.

At the time I failed to see why I had all this extra work to do. I was wondering why they didn't do all of this upstairs. I thought at the time that they had been sent home. So I became angrier.

With each label that came out blank, I had to snatch it off the belt and place it either by my feet or in a tub, which was getting excessively full. When it came to the envelopes, we were supposed to pull them off, which I did for awhile, until it got ridiculously crowded in my work area. I asked one of the newer supervisors if I could just send these up and he said to do so until someone told me otherwise. So I did, and I got scolded, big time.

My reply was a, "yeah, yeah." I think that pissed my manager off. Indeed that was wrong of me, because I didn't see it from their point of view. I failed to see how much stress they are put under each day and how today was unusually particular with that. I knew why we pull the envelopes and I didn't follow through, so it was my fault. Even though my other manager who is new told me to do that, I shouldn't have asked him, because he's still trying to learn his position of authority and I knew that he'd say yes. So I take responsiblity. Tomorrow I need to apologize to my manager that I pissed off.

Today was one of those days...it wasn't such a big deal, but it got my adrenaline pumping. I guess that will happen now and again. I can imagine what my manager will say tomorrow. But hopefully it won't be that bad. heh.

Stress...man, I think that I need to exercise more than I am now...which is nil.

Sunday

I woke up late this morning. I was listening to my radio alarm in my sleep. It was some pretty interesting stuff that kind of related to me. Finally, I got up and went to church.

I couldn't help but think later today that I'm going to have to learn a lot of things by trial and error. I mean, the lady on the radio was telling about her life and how she couldn't seem to understand social situations. I found that I have some of the same problems. But she managed to learn however difficult or impossible some people think it may be for people like that. People like me.

I'm amazed too that that lady was able to speak so clearly and eloquently even though she had some problems with speaking. The radio announcer said that she definitely has a high intelligence level, it's just that she doesn't understand social things. I guess I'm going to have to work twice as hard as she did if I want to get up to that level. heh.

Anyway, there were some new people at church today. They were a missionary family that was visiting and maybe giving a message. I found that I had trouble trying to introduce myself. Part of me just didn't want to put up with being rejected again. So I left early.

With all the new things that I'm going to be experiencing, I think that it might have been better if I stayed, but for me maybe it was better that I withdrew.

Personaly feelings and thoughts are better left not on the internet.

Anime...

I've been watching a new anime recently. Pretty good. It's called Bleach. A really good anime that is still coming out in Japan. Oh the joys of the internet that bring worlds closer together. Actually, that may not always be a good thing, but in this case, tv shows are pretty cool. Anyway, you can check out the episodes off of bitorrent. Or, if you don't mind the dubs, then Bleach is coming out on Adult Swim in September. A really good anime I must say. But definitely for teenagers and not for kids.

A website my friend recommended is

www.bleach7.com

It also has a list of other fansites there too.

Man, I definitely have to buy the manga when I go to Japan. Hopefully they won't think of me as some weird teacher guy that likes things for kids.

Bleach...

I've watched 40 episodes so far since July 5th. That's how addicted I am to this. I definitely am going to buy the series when it comes out on DVD here in the States. It's worth it. Anyway, don't cheat the people who make these great stories. If you have the episodes and like them, then please buy it so that they can get something for their hard work. Not the burned dvds, but the actual licensed ones. Otherwise people may not want to make entertainment as good as this anymore. Yeah, I believe that if someone makes something good, it's good to receive what's due to them. Anyway...

Honestly I don't know what to write anymore. What can I write about my life? What is there to talk about? What more is there about me? Well...there's lots that I haven't said, but not much that I want to talk about.

I guess it's not good to say everything that is on your heart, especially when it's to the whole internet world to see.

The fourth of July...

was a good day for me. I spent it with my friends from church at someone's apartment and we went to watch the fireworks later on at the pier. It was a good time hanging out with my friends and for once feeling happy again. I was thinking of not going, but I'm glad that I went.

I don't know what it is, but something inside of me feels distant. I think that all the time that I spend alone in my room playing video games or watching TV has something to do with that. But with my current schedule what else can I do? I'm just glad that I'm going to be getting out of this schedule soon.

Anyway, it was nice to break the routine and do something different for once.

...

Regarding the fourth...something happened...not to me, but to someone else. I couldn't help but feel sorry. Not everyone's fourth of July was happy. I am not equipped to handle things like this. Especially when it involves people on the street. But I can't help but wonder if I experienced all these things in my life for a reason. And if so, what is it?

Funny...I don't want to ask it though. Is ignorance bliss? Or is ignorance just putting something off until it strikes you down? I can't help but look at America in this situation. A lot of people in America don't know what goes on inside of America let alone outside of it. We are busy living our self contained lives in our isolationist world. That's the normal citizen. We don't have time. I personally don't know if I care anymore about that. I mean, I could talk about it all I want, but they're just words unless I do something about it or someone else does something about it.

In the Alpha course our fellowship group just finished, there was one session where the speaker talked about one guy in 1824 or something like that in England. He saw a darkness around him and had two choices. He could pursue his dreams and become very rich, or he could do something about what he saw and make changes. To make a long story short, he made society better by choosing to live for God and fight for what he thought was right. A couple of things that he fought for was humane treatment of the mentally ill, no child under 14 should work in a factory or at all and should go to school instead, and the abolishment of slavery in England are just a few things that he fought for. I forgot his name...but he was buried at Westminster Abbey because of his hard work and things he did for God and people.

I can't say that I'm going to be like that. But...I think that we all have that choice. What are we living for? I guess in my case, I'm living to get by. I'm working so that I can earn some money and eat and live under a roof and afford the luxuries of life. It may be fun now, but I wonder...what the heck am I doing here?!

I feel so ineffective. Maybe I should spend more time reading the Bible and praying than I do watching anime. But when it comes down to it, I seek other things to help me to get through the day. Do I care anymore? Do I care? Part of me does and part of me wants to turn away.

I didn't realize that this is a war. But, as the Alpha guy said, warfare is unpleasant. And being a Christian makes things harder. Being a Christian means fighting a spiritual war. I'm not talking about any wars right now or even a holy war like Jihad or something like that. What I'm talking about is things that people wouldn't ordinarily call war. Anyway, why am I babbling.

Anyway, Alpha...a pretty good course for seekers and even people who have been Christian for some time. It's not meant to be kept a secret, but meant to make disciples or teach people about Jesus and what the Christian life is about and to build friendships.

Working on a holiday so that you can spend time with your friends...

With my shift I don't get to spend that much time with friends. But I got tomorrow off instead of today so that I could enjoy the fireworks tonight. Last year I had to miss everything because I worked the next day, so I couldn't spend any time with my friends on the fourth. So I'm glad that I got tomorrow off. heh.

Today was kind of horrible though. It started out kind of weird with thunder and lightning in the morning. Then when I got to work, there was a lot of work to do, so we stayed for about a whole day's worth of work. Which is not unusual, but we were expecting a lot less. I got pretty frustrated for most of the day, but I'm glad that today is over.

For some reason, there is something stuck underneath the conveyor belt that I work on. I think that it's those plastic packing peanuts, so it makes this screeching noise for prolonged periods, which happened pretty frequently today. I don't know how much longer I can take this. It's pretty loud and I'm right next to it while I'm scanning boxes. But I guess I should have been more diligent in moving that stuff off the belt so that it didn't get stuck in the machinery. It's kind of tough to do that when you're trying to scan all these boxes going by. But I'm not the only one who doesn't do that and I'm paying the price now.

oh well, it could be worse.

I'm not sure what lies ahead, but I think that I really need to move on or else I'll go deaf. Seriously. I think that I have lost some of my hearing already from working there a year now.

Watch out for the blind guy...he just might hurt you if you do something

I just finished watching Zatoichi, the one by Beat Takeshi. Pretty interesting movie. Probably most of you know this already but Zatoichi is a masseur who goes around massaging people for a living. But, he's also skilled with a sword, which he uses to defend himself and others.

There were Zatoichi movies before this one. They had a different guy in it and he was kind of different. He was also portrayed as a good hero type who used death when he needed to. Among the underworld, he was pretty well known apparently. Check them out if you have a chance. You can get some of those movies off of netFlix. You can find the link here

The one in 2003 by Beat Takeshi is the one that I mentioned above.

[Edit]
A webpage of the original series and a better description of Zatoichi can be found here. Apparently there are 26 movies out of the original Zatoichi.

If you want to buy the latest movie of Zatoichi by Beat Takeshi, you can find it here

Amazon has quite a few of the Zatoichi movies if you would like to buy them. But I'm sure that many of you can find them elsewhere.

I've been watching Neon Genesis Evangelion...only the first couple of episodes. I feel kind of like the main character...not a hero at all, but more unsure of what to do. The theme song is pretty interesting though. It is one of encouragement to the main character. "You don't know what you've got going for you" is one of the lines. I'm only on the first two episodes right now. I've been waiting for the price to go down for quite some time. The whole series for $45. Not bad...comparing the $100 that it started at. I even have the first tape when it came out in America. It was $10 for the first tape and $25 each tape after that. The total amount of tapes was like 13. Each tape had 2 episodes on them, so I've been waiting ever since then for the price to go down. At that time I was a senior in High school and was using some of my savings to find something in life to keep me busy.

Now that I have a part time job with horrible hours, I thought that I needed something to liven my life up. Actually, it was an impulse buy, because I knew that it would never go down to that price again. You can find the series box set on Amazon for about $45. I don't know if that's the price anymore though. For 26 episodes and the director's cut episodes for the last four episodes I'd say that this is a pretty good bargain. However with new DVD technology coming out, I'd say that you might be able to buy all the episodes on one disc for $20 sometime in the not so distant future. But who knows, they might just cancel selling it altogether like Gasaraki.

Anyway, materialism comes when there's nothing there. A way to fill the void of the spiritual gap that is my life. Hmm...materialism...I really don't need any of this stuff to live. Technology has never brought happiness to my life. It has brought filler inbetween the down times. I'm not saying that technology is bad, what I'm saying is that there needs to be something else besides technology to fill that hunger...a spiritual hunger. God? Um-hmm.

Talking with my brother today, I told him some of the frustrations that I've been feeling. It was a good talk and I think that he shed some light on the situation. I know that there are some things that I can't change. But that's life. I myself am only human and I don't have any special powers that can change things that I can't help. That must come from something else. But at least words might help. Well, maybe it's time to move on with life. I've been drifting for the past two years. Maybe going to Japan will be my next destination.

So today was the picnic for our church. I rode up with my brother, since he's in town and we're pretty much going to the same area, so he just dropped me off. I must say that it's kind of weird being back at church. I wasn't gone for that long, but I was gone for a significant amount of time. I was gone because of my new schedule and the lack of sleep that I got throughout the week. Anyway...

Being out of college, I've found that I've lost a lot of social skills that I once had. If you don't practice something, then it's tough to actually get good at it. In fact, you'll always be mediocre if you don't practice something. So I really didn't want to talk to people that much. So I'm saying that I'm staying mediocre because I don't want to go out there and try anymore. heh.

Maybe staying safe has been an issue for the past 4 years. I used to take chances to meet new people and talk to everyone that I could. I used to be a lot more upbeat and I was growing at that time. But since that incident 4 years ago, I felt like part of me died when I had to reject helping someone else. I felt like I was rejecting myself. Part of it was prophetic in some way that getting involved with this person would lead to death in either one of two ways. One was actual physical death. The other, the death of my personality or something like that. I don't want to say. But yeah, since then, I've taken a different path than the one that I was on before.
Kind of funny how decisions in your life do make a difference in where you'll be later on.

Part of me knows that I can't keep on living in the past. I know that I need to reconcile myself to that past and be healed in some way. Maybe I should seriously pray about this. Anyway, what I was trying to say was that I can't keep letting this part of me eat away at me. But part of me says that that's how things are. They won't change. I know that the latter is not a full truth though.

It reminds of Back to the Future where in Back to the Future part 2, Marty hears something mentioned about his future and how that event completely changed his life in the future from being someone who was going somewhere to someone who threw his life away. Someone who was going somewhere but became a loser because he chose a different path. It kind of reminds of me in some sense that this event happened to me and I changed because of it. But...I know that I could let this event control me for the rest of my life, or else I could take control of it and do something to be healed of it. I know that I can't do this by myself, but hopefully, with God's help, I will be able to.

In some sense we're not helpless, because we can turn to God who can help us through these things. I'm not saying just turn to God and all your problems will go away. I'm not saying that. It's complicated, and I don't think that I can explain it. Maybe I don't know how to fix myself. But I do know that I can just sit there and let life come at me, or get up and go to it.

Man, maybe I need to pray.

It's kind of funny, when I got onto the blogger homepage to sign in, there were no blogs that were updated at the time that I logged in, which was just a little while ago. I guess everyone is doing something right now on a saturday afternoon.

Well, I just wanted to rephrase one line that one of my friends wrote on his blog a long time ago.

"Even if the whole world rejects me, God will still accept me."

I look at things now. I look at how things are. Reality is not kind. When will reality ever be kind to anyone? I find that there is a lot of pain and sorrow in this world, but there is hope. Someone once wrote that hope is frail and easily crushed, but hard to kill. Sometimes hope is the only thing that keeps me going. (Thank you Knight's Tale.)

I wonder exactly why God placed me on this earth sometimes. I know that everyone has a purpose here and that our purposes will be seen in knowing God and His purposes for us. But I also know that a lot of us never live out those purposes. I mean, what am I preparing for? What am I doing here?

The fellowship leaders asked us, "what is your ministry?" I don't know what my ministry is. Maybe I should pray about it. But yeah, being a Christian doesn't mean only going to church and fellowship or Bible study...it does mean reaching out to those who need Jesus. And who needs Jesus? I guess that's what I have to find out.

Anyway, I'm ranting late at night when I should be sleeping. Maybe I think too much...when I should be doing something else...

Some things have happened in a week. I won't go through the details, but yeah, things have happened. Not too many bad things, but some good things also.

I think that things are looking up for me. Not that things are perfect, but I think that I'm content with what I have now. I'm thinking that there are some problems at work, not necessarily with me, but coworkers and other coworkers. It's kind of strange how some personalities grind against each other, and some get along fine.

I guess I can understand why each party would feel a certain way, but I really don't want to try to get in the middle of this.

Chrono Cross

I started playing through the sequel to Chrono Trigger yesterday. It's kind of like the first game. The main character doesn't speak a word. Kind of like Dragon Quest VIII. I think however that this will be a good game despite it being really easy so far. I guess only one hour into it, what can you expect?

Throw it away...keep only the stuff you want

Heh, my parents said that they want me to mark everything that I want to keep and what I would like to throw away or give away before I go to Japan. I'm not a person who goes out and buys stuff that I don't want usually. If I buy it, it means that I usually want to keep it for a long long time. I think that the only things that I would like to get rid of are my books. My Video games have a replayability to them. DVDs don't ever get old. Looking around, probably the only thing that I'd get rid of is the old clothes that I still wear. I still wear some clothes that I have worn since Jr. High school and High school. Yeah, they're still good. I don't know how people can go out and buy new clothes so often. I guess that's why I don't look good at most functions and get togethers. But that's never been a high priority for me. I only have a few good dress clothes that I wear when necessary. And even then, I don't like wearing them. Maybe that will change when I go to Japan.

I'm guessing not though. heh

Serious stuff...

Some things you kind of think won't happen to anyone you know. But yeah, some serious stuff has happened. I only heard news from someone, but hopefully my friend is alright. Anyway, being at this job, things happen. Not specifically at the job, but yeah, it's a side of society that I've been sheltered from. I've never had to worry about these types of things, but apparently a lot of people do. Makes me wonder what I'm doing trying to move up in the world. What is really important to me? And what is it that I want to do for the rest of my life? I think about some things and I can and can't picture myself doing vocational ministry. I mean, I haven't been doing any ministry right now. But who knows, we'll see where I go.

Ministry is not going to church or reaching out to the congregation. It's not building up the church so that they can get stronger for nothing. Really, for most people, ministry will be outside of the church, while few will do ministry inside. I don't think that my ministry will be inside. There are some things that I'd rather not deal with. heh. But yeah, definitely it is more exciting to go out. I'm wondering what I can do. What will I do? And will I do it? Lately this has been a no. But I'm thinking that I need to have some purpose to my life.

I guess it's true that there needs to be some output from the input in your life. Meaning that you need to apply what you learn, or else it will be lost.

Why do I blog? I'm wondering why I would want to post my thoughts to the world. Why do I desire to be known and to know others? I'm going to stop blogging for a week.

Here I am...

What I heard from some people is that you can't make things happen all at once. It may take years for it to happen. But you've got to prepare for it or else it won't. With my new teaching job coming up, people asked me how I'm preparing for it. "I'm not," I said into my chest. Yeah...I guess I should prepare before it's too late.

Initiative has never been my strong point. I guess I can say that it's been like this for awhile, but maybe it's been like this because I don't think ahead unless I really think ahead. I can't keep living like a kid anymore.

It's always been like this. I mention something that I'm going to do and I never get around to it. do I only do what I want to do and not what I need to? Well, typing this won't do anything. I guess I should make some plans.

So I check the answering machine today because my dad left me a note. Apparently I missed my appointment yesterday. I called in today for another appointment and they were happy to schedule me one, but I have to pay a $40 surcharge for missing my appointment. I'm glad that they don't charge me the full $100 for missing it. Hopefully I don't have to.

Never schedule an appointment on Monday. They always call on Friday and I didn't get the message on the machine. So tough luck for me. But I'm thankful that I still have another appointment scheduled.

Well, maybe this was an answer to my prayer to be more responsible. I think that I mentioned that to God, but I'm not sure. Well, this is a sign for me to use my PDA. Yup...

Magna Carta: Tears of Blood

I've logged 70 hours into it already. I played 4 more today. I must say that if you can get past the same lines that they repeat over and over and over again in battle and also stand the battle system, then you might make it through the game.

I really don't like the battle system, because it's kind of slow and boring. You attack with one character at a time which the computer also attacks with one character at a time. It's not fast paced at all. The only thing that you have to watch out for is moving your low on life character out of the line of fire soon enough and letting the other characters take hits.

For those of you who have trouble keeping time with your fingers, then this game may not be the game for you. You get penalized if you miss a rhythm beat out of 3 altogether button presses per attack. What happens is that your leadership bar goes down as if you attacked and you have to wait for it to fill up again. The leadership bar has notches for each character when they can attack. If it doesn't reach that point of the notch for the character, then they can't do anything but move. It was fun at first, but 70 hours later, I'm getting tired of it.

The only strength of the game is the story. It has a great story about revenge, disappointment, reconciliation in the past and present and about losing loved ones. It really is a great story which can only be told in the length of a video game or book. The voice acting is pretty good for the main characters. Some of the minor characters have weak voice acting, but they are few. Even the peons have good voice actors.

Overall this game should be played for the story and not so much the gameplay mechanics. However, it might be tougher for those who have trouble keeping time, but this game might have been geared towards people who have little experience with this. Interesting game though. This is just a few things that I covered in this game. There are a few more things like combining elements for different item uses or getting a boost by getting a good fortune or fighting worse by getting a bad fortune, but they are mainly minor. Overall those with the patience to play this game will be rewarded and maybe tortured at the same time. I'm finding that I've been playing several games at once, because I've played too many rpgs and get bored really easily by the repetitiveness of each one. The worst thing to do is waste too much time on video games if you have stuff to do. Yeah, maybe I should study Japanese.

hesa tomodachi.

heh, I just thought that I needed to be reminded of some laughter. Hirai Ken...heh. If you don't know the reference, then you probably don't know what I'm talking about.

A New Life begins

Went to a wedding today. Good stuff. I was touched by the ceremony. I think that they will do well in their new life together because they have a great love for God first and they have a great love for themselves and their spouse.

I arrived there 15 minutes early. I was expecting a packed house, so I didn't want to worry about parking. I got there and noticed some people that I knew. They were pretty far away, but yeah, couldn't talk to them. I reached the table to sign the wedding book and someone greeted me. "Hi," I said unenthusiatically. I really wasn't sure how to respond. I'm so used to being unenthusiastic from working in the world. Someone else greeted me and I warmed up. I felt bad a little bit later at how uncaring that I greeted my friend from college.

To be honest, I wasn't sure about coming to the wedding. I wasn't sure how I'd be received. I wanted to be a blessing to my friends getting married, but I felt far from that. To me, I really don't see why people invite me or even care about me. Part of me feels like I don't belong anyplace. Part of me feels like I should be on the streets because of all the wrong that I've done. Maybe I should...but I was forgiven and I can't turn back now.

Going into the sanctuary, I didn't see anybody that I knew sitting in any of the pews. I saw some of the people that I knew ready to play music, but I couldn't sit by them. So I chose a corner of the room where there were some people. I was determined to sit in a couple pews in front of them, because I would feel akward sitting next to them or even behind them.

Someone greeted me again. So I had someone to sit by. Then one of my other friends from college sat by me. I wasn't alone as I was expecting to be. Alone and by myself in a crowd of people, I was and was not.

The ceremony started and it was beautiful. The bride and groom couldn't have prepared a better wedding. It was really good. It was amazing to see how the words spoken about each of them got right to the core of who they both are. They are great people and I know that they will have a wonderful life together.

After the ceremony ended, I saw some old faces that I haven't seen for awhile. All from college. Some people are getting together with others that they've met in their new places. I felt like I was reliving part of college again.

Anyway, I won't describe more what happened at the event. I will however describe some of my own thoughts about my own life.

I was really glad to go to this wedding today. It was a reminder of the changes that I'm seeing in people's lives. All of them are still the same people, but they are different in a way from how they were before. They seem like they're making positive steps in their lives. I'm sure that they are. Sometimes I wonder how much we all have changed. I don't keep too many records of the past, only in my memory do I relive some moments. (Maybe I should...keep more records.) Anyway, it got me thinking about my own personal life.

Someone said something today about the wedding. I don't know why I said this, or how this came up, but I told them that I didn't think that I would get married. I mean, I believe that I will, but it seems so unlikely. Why? I am not there yet. I can barely care for myself much less another person.

Part of me asks, "Where is the love in your life?" I'm not talking about a girlfriend, what I'm talking about is where is the love that you have for God, yourself, and others? How are you showing that? Why aren't you showing that? And how can you show that? I have a lot of work to do in my own life. I saw that in the failures I did today. I saw that in all my mistakes.

But, I know that God is good. Even if I do go unmarried for the rest of my life. I ask myself, where am I going? What do I want to do with my life? I don't know anymore. I have a thought that if I'm not doing the right thing now, then how can I expect to do that later.

I guess the next step for me would be to make it to church tomorrow.

At work today, they announced that they were looking for managers. Some of my coworkers got some applications to apply. I didn't, because I have an idea of the crap that they receive from the upper mangament when things don't turn out as well as they'd like it to. But still, it is a great place to do a part time job and go to school.

I kind of wonder what will happen to these guys that I'm working with. Someone once said that he thinks that we are our brother's keeper. We are responsible for other people out there. Not saying that we can change people or take responsibility for them, but saying that sometimes we can do some good in their lives.

With all my failures this past year at my job, I see that I still fail daily. "What am I doing wrong?" I wonder. I think that the stress of this job gets to me and I can't deal with it in a good way that I tend to feel that it's the other's person's fault. Just bad attitudes I have and complaints that I say sometimes cause me to feel that I fail in my witness. And I do. It was only when I started this job that I started to do this. I wonder if the environments are the same everywhere I go. I got a picture of how a lot of the rest of society lives. I never really knew that many people in high school, but I heard some things at my workplace that really made me see that that's why my parents didn't want me hanging out with the wrong people.

Anyway, we're supposed to be light in the darkness and salt. We're supposed to bring Jesus to people who don't know Him. And I feel that I have not been that good of a witness.

I know that this does not come overnight. It takes quite a bit of constant effort and intention. I guess like everything, it's a struggle to overcome something. And even when we overcome it once, we need to keep wrestling so that we can overcome even harder times.

"Israel" means "Wrestles with God." To me it's a great picture of how God makes us stronger by wrestling with us, His people. I still don't understand all of the meaning of that name, but I feel that if I just sit down and not get back into the game, then how will I get stronger? I guess I've got to keep trying. Failing once does not mean that you are a failure. Even failing a thousand times does not mean that. It only becomes true when you give up. Tenacity is the key. But don't get wrong, you need to see what you're doing wrong and correct it.

In my wrestling with God, I'm finding that He's stronger than I can imagine, but He wrestles me at a strength level only a little stronger than I'm able to handle right now. I guess I wouldn't be ready if He upped the level. To some people He does really up the level. But I've seen that those who persevere in their struggles to become better people are much stronger people altogether. I really think that God has great plans for all of us. Even if we face failures, or defeats, there is something better out there.

But one thing is clear, if we wrestle with God, we need to depend on Him the most.

Back to my job situation, I guess I shouldn't give up. I know what I need to do.

Something came to mind recently. I was thinking, "what do I want in my life?" What is it that I want in my life? For the past year, it seemed like I was doing what I normally did, or was expected to do. It's not a bad thing, but I'm thinking...is this all there is? Hmm....

I know what not to do. And seeing some of my coworkers' lives, I see that they are living it up because they do not have a reason to live past death. I really don't know how to tell them about Jesus. It seems like all my attempts (which are few) have been thwarted or met with disinterest and the topic completely changed to something else. Maybe they're not ready.

I look at my life and I see that I myself am not living up to my full potential. I mean, how many of us are? I see a few people doing that, but man, what the heck are the rest of us doing? Don't get me wrong. Life is hard and will be met with a lot of disappointments. I think that the reason why some people do a whole lot better is that they know how to bounce back from the disappointments and hardships. They don't let something get them down and they get up and get right back to it. Tenacity is something that I used to have more of when I was younger. But I think age has helped me to be content with not getting everything that I want. Not saying I give up all the time, but saying that I'm not trying to be number one anymore. Is that a bad thing?

I kind of wonder, what the heck am I doing here? What am I doing on earth? What reason do I have here? When I was college, I thought about getting a job that would help people instead of getting a job that earned lots of money. My dream was to change people's lives for the better. But then I saw reality. There are so many messed up people in this world because of sin. It tears people apart and if you fall into it, then your life will go downhill. Mine did at one point before I knew Jesus. Even though I know Jesus now, I know that sin could still tear me apart if I'm not careful. How do you bring hope to people's lives? I think the answer is found in God. But how do you build relationships with people who may not want help or want to get better? How do you care for people who do not care for themselves? (I guess I'm going to extremes.) But how can anyone share Jesus with someone who does not want to know or is not interested in God.

I think the answer is found in friendships with others and the witness of your own personal life. If you are following the Bible and have a vibrant relationship with God, then I think that people will see that in you and could ask questions about why you are a certain way.

When I look at my own life, I think...man, why would anyone want to be like me? I failed in so many areas of my life. But I know that life does not end with one failure or two or even how many infinite failures I might have. I've let one failure dictate a lot of my life these past 4 years. I think that it's time to get up and get bruised again. What I mean by that is that I am going to fail again and again and again. But I can't let that take control of me. I can't let that tell me who I am.

I've said this before time and time again. Do I really want this? Or is this just talk? I guess it depends on what I'm willing to do. I still wonder...what am I doing here?

Hmm...I need to take my faith more seriously. Someone told me recently that when I go away, "what I put in is what I will get out of it." I guess that's true with anything, except relationships, in my opinion. Sometimes people will not respond. We could invest a lot in someone and receive nothing. I believe that people are free to choose their own way in life. If I invest in someone and they choose to go another way, then that's fine. I know that that's not fine for a lot of people. But, really, relationships are not fair. More true for guys because guys think that if they invest in a girl then the girl owes them something. In reality, the girl owes the guy nothing. I've learned that a lot of girls know that guys expect something back, so they don't accept stuff from guys. Which is a safe thing to do. I think that that's wise.

Anyway, why the heck am I wondering about life right now...Got to get going.

I don't know why I'm posting this, but I felt that I should post this for some reason. To be honest, I'd rather be sleeping right now. But here it goes...

God will judge the world someday. But that does not mean that He does not love the world. He loves everyone in this world and yet when they do wrong, it breaks his heart. God does not look down upon people, His heart breaks when people choose to do wrong.

For God, it seems like there are consequences for every action that we make. God gives us time to repent of our sins, until the day He comes back. Repent means turning away from something and staying away from it or not doing it anymore.

Anyway, I don't know why I even wrote all that. It's short, but maybe someone can use it. Hopefully they'll use it for good. Anyway, God's anger is not like man's anger. God's anger is meant to correct and rebuke. While man's anger is just like something waiting to explode. As so I heard from one retired pastor.

[Edit] I ended too soon I guess. What I wanted to end with is that God is this way because God is love. He wants the best for each and every person. But He leaves a lot of us to help each other to do His will. If we are the body...then why aren't His arms reaching. Why aren't His hands healing? Why aren't His words teaching? Really, we have things to do. But we must follow Him.

I am ready to leave my job. I feel like I can't stand it anymore. But I need to stay here a little bit longer because I need to earn money. I don't know anymore why God placed me there. Maybe I need to pray more for my workplace. Maybe I need to pray more about being a better witness there. Maybe I need to pray about getting enough sleep so that I can be a better witness.

Anyway, my one year mark is up and I'm ready to leave. I don't know anymore exactly what God wants me to do. I feel like I'm wandering. I'm not sure I want to pray for direction, because if I do and get a direction, I'm not sure if I would take it. I kind of want to go my own way right now.

But then I think about how much better God's way is. He sees further ahead than I do or anybody else. If I go with this new job, which I already accepted, will I do worse in the future? Maybe...It might still be a good thing, but not as great. I kind of wonder if I should stay at my old job for another year. I don't know anymore.

I feel that I should take this new job, because it would be a good thing for me to go out on my own. It would be a good thing for me to learn how to take care of myself. The only thing is, will I? Will I take care of myself and will I watch out for myself? I think that I would, but I kind of worry that I might be irresponsible if I were to go out on my own. I mean, here, I'm not very responsible with my time. What makes me think that I'll be responsible over there? There are a few things that I'm concerned about. But I think that things will be alright.

When I think about it, am I really doing well here? Would I do better somewhere else? I guess there's lots of what ifs. One person that I talked to told me that if I have a dependence on God and a good common sense to do what's right, then I should be alright. Maybe that'll be all I need. It will be a challenge, but I think that this new job will test my faith even more. I wonder...what is in store for me?

I have a feeling that I should go to Japan, because it'll be a good experience for me. I feel that this is something that God has placed before me. I feel that I should go. But then there's doubts. I wonder if God wants me to stay here. But then I think, why? What purpose would He have for me here? I guess I'll never know the future. But I feel that for my personal growth, I should go.

I have doubts about fitting into Japanese society. I am very American in my mind. I am not clear cut like a Japanese person. It's much stricter over there. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. But maybe it'll be like a boot camp for me. Hopefully I'll be able to pick myself up. That, or hopefully someone else will help me a little bit.

Well, what to say. I'll probably only get one shot at this. I don't think that I'll work in Japan after this. But I'm going for an experience. I really don't know what to say. Where will God place me? Will it work out? Or will it be very tough? Maybe both...

I wonder if I wasted most of the year this past year. I don't know what to say sometimes. I haven't tried to understand my coworkers that much. They're good people, but I was more interested in sleeping during break than talking to them. I mean, what am I supposed to do? They're already talking to each other. Do I join in?

Sometimes I have time to talk to them while we're working. But I don't get too much in though because we're supposed to finish fast.

The only people that I have sort of a friendship with are the people that I give rides to. Lately, I've been wondering why I do this. Why do I do this when I really don't like what they're talking about. But then yesterday's message really struck a chord with me. I'm missing opportunities to talk to them about their beliefs and influence them. I guess I really don't know how to talk to them about what's right. Maybe now is a time to learn.

I feel like such a bad witness. Maybe I should pray about this.

Church...

I made it to church today. For some reason, I woke up in time. Hmm...that's got me thinking.

I haven't made it to church in like a month. I saw some old faces that I've known for the past couple of years. Good stuff.

The message today was on Colossians 1:9-14. I don't remember too much of it, but the one thing that I do remember was that the pastor told everyone to sit down at the end. Usually we stand and receive a blessing. He asked the mission teams one by one to stand, mentioning the work that they're doing or going to do and we recognized them by clapping for them. He came to the end and asked if there was anybody with a mission out there to stand also. I didn't see too many people stand, but he said, "everyone should be standing." So we all stood up.

I remember part of the sermon now. He mentioned how one of the accused people in the Enron case is a practicing Christian and goes to church regularly. He mentioned missed opportunities to share with his co-workers or to influence the people that he worked with. Not an easy thing to do. I thought, man, that's me too! I am not influencing the people that I work with or talk with. I do not speak out. Will I? I'm still reluctant.

The pastor went on. He talked about how it's normal to want to be liked and to not say anything in fear of offending someone. He also said that this world is dark and we have choices to make in response to it. We could

1. Walk away from it. Have nothing to do with it.
2. join in on it, even though we might not agree with it. We could put aside our morals.
3. We could engage with them and speak out about what we believe and what we think should be happening. (I don't think that he put it quite that way, but I think that he said something like that.)

I don't know what to say anymore. I've heard all of this and I still don't do this. It's going to take a lot more devotion than what I'm giving it now. Am I willing to do that?


There is a dark force out there against a good force. I'm not talking about nations or people at all. I'm not talking about governments. What I'm talking about is the Kingdom of Satan and the Kingdom of God. I know that to many this seems pretty absurd. But the two kingdoms are evident as seen in human communities and society. The two kingdoms are clashing together. Man, a war...I guess I have not been taking my faith seriously enough.

I've been reminded of God's love for me. I've been reminded of God's love for everyone else. I'm finding it hard to love everyone else as God would love them.

One reminder today was that even though people at work may be "different," I know that they're just seeking their own happiness even if it is causing them destruction. Isn't that what we're all trying to do? Find happiness? Or some reason for living?

I have a reason for life, yet I really don't want to live it right now. I think that I'm out of practice and I really am unsure of a lot of things right now. Something that I've been reminded of is that we're all human. Sometimes people will have a hard time loving us as we have a hard time loving them. But God loves all people regardless of how we or others see them. God died for sinners, which is all of mankind. Even Christians are sinners.

This verse comes to mind. "If someone says 'I love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen." 1 John 4:20 NASB. The Bible is profitable for all Godliness. I guess I need to read it a lot more to find more about who God is and what His heart for mankind is. I know that I've read a lot of it before, but after taking this perspectives class, I'm finding that I need to study it more closely. Man, I don't even know why I took perspectives, but I'm thinking that I really need to get on the ball. Man, I really just want to play video games right now...

It's Saturday...some of my friends are at a retreat for people interested in missions. I didn't go, because I don't feel like I'm at that point right now. I have not gone on a mission and even though I'm a little bit interested in missions, I have no desire to go to an unreached area.

Next week is another retreat for our fellowship. It should be good. I'm wondering if I'll drop back into my mood of, I don't want to talk because I'm too tired. Maybe I should sleep before I go. Yeah...

Well, Perspectives is over and I really don't want to do the hw still. I don't want to do the project either. I think that I'm just going to quit. I don't feel like I'm at that point right now. I don't feel like I'm going to go out there and do missions. I didn't realize that this was a missions class before I took it. It went way over my head and I sunk deep. I know that I can use this information, but I'm thinking...I've never really stood up for the gospel or Jesus and I really am not motivated to do so.

I feel like I don't care right now. I mean, the people that I care about are Christian already. But how do you tell someone you don't care for about Christ? You can't. I guess I've become sort of numb lately. I feel like I don't care for the people at work. They're just people that I work with. I don't really know who they are. And from knowing about some of their backgrounds, I'm not sure if I want to.

One part of me thinks, "if I can't love these people as myself, then who can I love?" Love meant in the terms of treating another the same way you would want to be treated.

I really don't know. But maybe my next job will be better in terms of my relationships with the people there.

It seems like the task is overwhelming. Maybe I should start small...

Not much to post. Nothing big has really happened in the past couple of days. I missed Senior Sendoff for AACF. Which sucks...because I probably won't see the seniors that are graduating for quite awhile. I might not see them ever again...but most likely I will. Oh well, another event missed...

Anyway, I wonder exactly what is in store for me. I wonder exactly what God is planning for me and I wonder if I am following it. I doubt that I am though.

Drifting seems to be a theme with me. Drifiting here and there and not committed to any one place. I'm not sure exactly what it is that I want in life, but maybe it's better not to know now. That way, I won't be expecting anything. That's just my opinion though. Yeah, low expectations. heh.

I don't know what to say. Nothing has really happened in the past couple of days. I just relaxed and slept.

I remember I was telling one of my friends about my roommate who played Everquest and spent all of his time doing that, even at the expense of his hw. This other guy in the elevator said, "You mean Evercrack!? I'm so glad that I quit that before I went into college!"

I can see why I didn't play video games during college. I did so much better in my schoolwork and social life because I wasn't focused on playing video games. I made a promise to myself that I would not play video games in the dorms. So I didn't. But I ended up watching my roommate play Evercrack. Man, maybe I should have studied outside of my room.

Now I'm out of college and I picked up video games again. It seems like I'm having to relearn a whole bunch of stuff over again. I find that it's easy to get lost in a video game. I'm also finding why I quit video games during college...I wasted a lot of my youthful years playing video games. But still, I think that it was better to play video games than get mixed up with the wrong people. I'm just glad that I'm okay now and not down some gutter.

Someone asked me, "Where would you be if you never met Jesus?" I have an idea of where I would be. But I know that if I never experienced these hardships, I would have never met Jesus. I used to think that He was imaginary or some alien. But after meeting people who have a relationship with God, I saw something different in them and it was attractive. Knowing Jesus is better than having a lot of money. Why? For me, it has been that I have someone that I can count on regardless of anything that happens. It makes me wonder...what am I doing for Him? I wonder...am I doing nothing?

I know that who you are says more than what you do. Because who you are will be shown in what you do and everything about you. Whereas what you do does not always show who you are. And I'm finding that I need to spend more time with God or else be like the people that I'm most hanging out with. Not my friends, I'm not hanging out with my friends, but mainly I'm around my co-workers the most out of anybody, because I'm working with them. I guess one thing that I need to do is pray some more.

Checklist.

-Read the Bible
-Pray
-Go to Bible study tonight

I didn't make it to church yeseterday...I stayed up too late playing video games. doh...

Anyway, I've decided to make a bedtime for myself. Man, it's like I have to treat myself like I'm a little kid again...heh.

Recently, I've been thinking about who I'm becoming more like. I'd say that I'm becoming more like the people at work...which is not a bad thing, but it's not what I'm used to being like.

Anyway, this world is pretty dark. I've heard some things that could really make someone sick. There truly is a god of this world, who is unlike the God that we should serve. More and more I see the truth of the Bible shown in the lives of people that I meet. Paul wrote a lot about things like that. And I guess I should read more of what he said to the early churches.

Basic stuff...

I've decided to do what I need to do first and then play video games afterwards. It's kind of funny how the mind works. I'm finding that if I play video games (which is what I want) first then I don't want to do anything else. But if I do what I need to do first and play video games afterwards, then it's more rewarding to play video games. I'm sure most of you are saying, "Duh." Hmm...I guess my parents did do a good thing with me when they made me do my hw first and everything that I needed to do first. Even if that meant not doing what I wanted to do that day. I'm thinking, why the heck am I learning this now? I think the reason is that my parents are letting me do as I please right now. They don't tell me to do very much or what to do all the time. So I have more freedom in choosing what I will do with my time.

I guess this is something that is necessary for me to do. Learn on my own.

I've always been amazed at how other people can make decisions right off the back. I've always had to think about what I'm going to do. Sometimes that has been a bad thing for me, because I didn't do things quickly enough. But I'm seeing that the people who do make decisions quickly are people who have made decisions for themselves. Most of my life, I've been told what to do. I really didn't have to think of what I had to do next. It's not necessarily a bad thing for parents to tell their kids what to do, but there comes a time when kids need to make their own decisions.

I really can't blame anybody for where I'm at now. But I do have my life to live and I've got to get a move on.

Well, in a few months, things are going to change quite a bit. Soon I'll be on my own for awhile.

Okay, I'm going to make it to church tomorrow. I'm going to go to sleep early tonight. heh.

You've got to praaaaaayyyyyyy~Uh! Oh yeah...

I'm finding that the more time you spend with people, the more you become like them. I'm finding that if I want to be a light, then I'm going to need to spend time with God in prayer, the Bible, and other Christians. Man, in all three of these, I've been lacking lately. I guess I need to pray.

Sometimes I'm too hard on myself. I'm my worst critic. I am a perfectionist when it comes to me...but when it comes to other people, I let it slide a lot more.

Anyway, I was thinking about this for a little bit after I posted. Am I willing to change? I mean, I say a lot of stuff about what's wrong with me, but am I willing to change to become a better person? I think that that's where I fall short. Maybe I am satisified with who I am right now. Maybe I'm just too lazy to make the necessary changes. But I know that I need to change in what habits I do. ie less video games, more Bible reading and praying. Yeah...

There's sometimes where I wonder why God placed me on this earth. I mean, sometimes I wonder what exactly I'm doing here. I don't always act responsible, I don't think that I'm well liked sometimes, I think that I just don't know how to relate to people.

It seems like the only thing that I'm good at is work and video games. And still at work, I feel like I'm not doing that great of a job anymore.

Someone once told me that "life is what you make out of it." It's like those books, "Choose your own adventure." Many of you probably have never heard of these books. But you read the book from the first page, then when you hit a certain page there would be two choices. If you chose choice one, then you would go to this page, if you chose choice two, then you would go to another page. And then you would come to another page with two more choices and so on. It would be kind of like choosing where you go within the author's context of the book. I really didn't like those books that often because the books wouldn't last too long, but when you think about it, it's not such a bad idea for a book. Kind of like playing a video game, but a video game is more interactive.

Anyway, obviously life is more complex than a choose your own adventure book. You have way more control to do things than turning to a page and reading out your destiny. But I can't help but think that sometimes life is kind of like those books. We each have our own choices to make, actions or reactions, and where you go depends on two people. You and God.

I kind of wonder about where I'm heading towards. I can't predict what's going to happen, but I have an idea of what might. Anyway, that's enough for right now babble for one day.

Man, I missed Bible study yesterday because I was playing video games and fell asleep before Bible study. Oh well...I guess I have choices to make. Go to sleep early, or play video games. hmm....

Dah! Missed church again...

Well...not sure what else to say, but I've really got to get this together. =(

I'm thinking to myself...there's good news, yet there's choices to make. Which path do I take. I wonder...it seems like there's only one right now. One correct one I mean...but we'll see.

I am not sure what plans God has for my life. Since I first came to know God and have a relationship through prayer, obedience and reading the Bible, I've seen that my life has dramatically improved. I thought, "This is truly what life is about." Then my life got busier and I put God aside so that I could get through school and get my work done. That was a mistake.

I'm not saying that school or work are bad things and I'm also not saying that you should put work or school aside for God, what I'm saying is that it was bad for my walk to go to the extremes and not find a balance between school, work, and God. I found that my relationship with God suffered when I didn't spend time with Him every day. And thus began my wandering in the desert.

My last two years of college were tough. Things changed quite a bit from how they first were when I came into college. I was now an upperclassman and expected to fill that role for the lowerclassmen. But I never did fill that role to the extent that I thought I would; I never stepped up to take the initiative. I never felt like a leader and I'm not sure if people expected me to be a leader or wondered why I wasn't a leader. I felt that school was a priority during that time.

Graduating became a factor and school pressures started to creep in. I felt that if I skipped AACF and worked on my studies during that time, I'd do better in school. What happened was a double whammy. I just thought about fellowship during that time when I skipped/not experiencing fellowship and I couldn't focus on my studies, thus wasting my time.

Even out of college, I still struggle with keeping a balance. With my weird schedule, I find that I'm sleeping at odd hours and working and waking up at odd hours. I also found that sleep became an issue in whatever I did. Would I get enough sleep if I did this? Or would it be better to skip? But, regardless of all of the activities, these are secondary to me in comparison to my relationship with God. God should be first and foremost in everything. And I found that I didn't even give God the attention that He deserved.

I guess what I'm saying is, my walk with God started off good, but neglecting my relationship with God for other things and the worries of life have choked what was most important...personal growth. I say this because I don't think that I have been a good example lately. I haven't been living my life with God. I haven't put Him first in everything. And I haven't been caring for either myself or my neighbor lately.

Anyway, where I am right now has been my choice. Yet God has been so good to me still.

I was reminded again of Christian community last week and this week. I remember what it was like in AACF. I remember what it was like back in college...the time that I had forgotten. So many times I've lived as if God wasn't alive and yet I always knew that He is. I saw it in my friends. I saw God in my friends.

Anyway, it's late right now and I don't know why I'm writing all of this. Only that I've got to live my life for God again. This world is a good place, but it's not eternal. I'm still struggling to find that balance in life. I mean, I can't just drop everything and say that I'm going to live for God. It has to be integrated into everything that I do...and that's not easy.

I don't know exactly what God has planned for me or anyone else, but I can't help but wonder about our purposes here. Do we all have a great purpose here? Does God have a great plan for our lives? And most important of all, how can we glorify God through our lives? Man, I'm not sure if I can live up to this. But we'll see where God leads me.

Work today sucked...I was pretty negative throughout all today. I guess the best thing to do is pray.

A time has just ended...a time has just begun

The 15 week period for my Perspectives class ended today. I woke up late and went late...usually I wake up early, but I fell asleep on the couch, so I didn't get to use my alarm. I went to class late but I got there after worship ended and the message was just beginning.

It definitely is a good class...intense, but good. I won't get the certificate. There's just no way that I can get all this done. I'm way too far behind and I won't be able to finish it all in time. So I gave up. But I am thinking that I should do the work anyway even if I won't turn it in.

I feel that I wasted some of my time there, because what am I going to use this for? Do I have a heart for people who have never heard the gospel? At one point in my life I did. But I do know that there are people in my own culture that have never heard the gospel before, even though they live in a place where there are relatively a lot more Christians.

What I've learned the most about this class is that it's not about making people like you. It's adapting the gospel in a way that makes sense to their culture without changing it from it's original meaning. What I found cool was that people can worship God in their own culture. They don't have to take on the culture of the foreign missionary and thus divorce themselves from their own culture. That would make them less effective to reach out to people that they know...like their family. However, I'm thinking that it does require turning away from the things that God considers wrong and following His ways found in the bible. But don't take my word for it, take the class.

Someone wrote in the book that we received that the greatest hinderance to the gospel is not language, but a culture clash. How do you tell someone about the Jesus in a way that makes sense to them in terms of their culture?

Anyway, I've learned a lot and I'll probably forget a lot. But I know that this is pretty much seen in the Bible...what I've learned in this class. I just didn't put it together.

I recommend this class to any Christian who's thinking about going on missions. I recommend this class to all church leaders too. I recommend this class to college students who are Christian also and have a strong foundation in their faith. But, be prepared to do a lot of work if you want to get the most out of it...like everything. This is not an easy class to get a certificate or even credit. But they do have an enrichment level where you can go to class and not have to do any of the reading or homework. But it will tell you more about what the speakers are talking about if you do. It's intense, but it's worth it.

I'm wondering...what is my next step. I've learned a lot of things about partnership and reaching other cultures...what I don't have is actually the experience to go out, or a great desire to either. But I want to do something for God. What I'm finding is that I really need to get back to God.

I kind of wonder...maybe I focus too much on what I did wrong instead of what I did right. I used to be a perfectionist, where if everything wasn't perfect, then I'd get upset. But nowadays, I'm not very much like that anymore, but I do have some of that in me still.

Anyway, part of me wonders if this world would have been a better place if I wasn't even born. But then, I come to the same answer. Life is a gift. Everyone has a purpose here. Some of us never reach that purpose.

You can't experience life when you're dead. I know that I'm going to get some arguments, but what I'm talking about is not about heaven and hell, but moreso the fact that you can only do things in this world here and when you leave, you won't experience what life is about here.

Anyway, I hope that I'm not causing people to get weird ideas, because my thinking is usually abstract and I don't express myself that well all the time. But yeah, you only get one shot at life. And even when you mess up, there will be other times that you can do something right. I've learned that life does not end when you make a critical mistake. You've got to keep living life, even if it isn't as good as it once was before. Hopefully there will be someone who will be the light in your life. But don't expect them to make things right. I've learned that we all have our own paths to walk.

I don't want to get too complicated, because I don't understand everything myself, but we each have our own life to live. And we each have to live our individual lives.

One mistake that I have been doing is trying to get things right I did wrong in the past by trying to make them work this time around...only with different people. What I'm learning is that I've got to leave the past in the past and know that this is different from the past. I guess I haven't learned the correct lessons that I've gotten past my mistakes. But I try...

Hmmm...now I remember why I kept a journal. Anyway, I guess I need the right lens to look at all this.

I remember a lot of how things used to be. And people have changed and I've changed. But how much? How much have we all changed and learned from our mistakes?

I guess I can't ask anybody that question, except myself. I wonder what God's plans for me are. I guess I can the answer to that in what I have a passion for. What am I willing to suffer for? What am I willing to even die for? I've got to really evaluate my life right now.

Realization

I remember why I became Christian a long time ago. I remembered why I followed Him then. I also was reminded just a little while ago that His way is much better than mine.

Man, I know that it may seem like things are better when you're not following God, but really His ways are actually good. I'm reminded that I need to put Him first again. I'm reminded of the great treasure of knowing God and what it means to be Christian.

Anyway, these are good words right now, but we'll see how well I'll keep this up. Anyway, I'm just thankful that there were reminders. Got to get ready to go.

Fukboi

If you're wondering how that's pronounced, it's fook-boy.

Now that I vented what was bothering me for the past few months, I will post what I originally intended to post.

Last night, the Wudan crew celebrated mine and another guy's birthday. I must say that I was pretty uneasy about it. I mean, people are actually celebrating my birthday. From how I've been acting the few times that I did come to bible study and random meetings where I hung out with them, I was kind of uneasy. But they really were a pick me up.

I got a shake and a 3 patty burger (which I couldn't finish) and I didn't have to pay anything for it. I shouldn't have gotten the shake, because it cost $5. Yeah, that's right...$5. So my meal came out to being $15. My other friend who we were also celebrating his birthday got something cheaper and didn't get a drink. I should do that next time. heh.

Anyway, they took us out to go bowling after dinner. It was pretty cool. I had a good time bowling and I did okay. Scored about 100 each game, which is good for me. The wudan crew was pretty good at bowling too. One guy had a ninja style of bowling. Another guy got a running start and rolled the ball pretty hard; he usually got strikes. One guy actually used spin on the ball. I think that that was the first time I bowled with my bible study.

It was pretty crazy, because everyone did pretty good.

I am lucky to have a group of friends like that. Even though I felt bad at some of the mistakes that I made, the Wudan crew is really a good group of guys. Anyway, I don't deserve good friends like these, but I'm with them for now and I should strive to learn from them as much as I can. I guess I should stop worrying about all the things that I've been worrying about and just be me. I've got to stop worrying and just let things be. Yeah...

I have this mindset of trying to find a purpose here in life. I found one in Jesus Christ, but have not been living it out recently. Now I'm wondering why God created me. I feel like I can't do anything right anymore.

Maybe it's more like people don't react the way that I'd like them too. And I know that this is wrong, but I guess I make expectations of myself. Usually I just blow it off and tell myself to try and do better the next time. But recently, I've been feeling like I've degraded quite a bit from where I used to be and have a tendency to make people not like me. I don't know if that's true, but I know that I don't know everything and nobody has said anything to me about this. So maybe what I'm feeling is not a big deal to everyone else.

But yeah, I couldn't help but wonder why God created me these past few weeks.

I must say though that I haven't worshipped God in a long time. I haven't made it to church for a month now and the one time that I made it to church this past sunday, service ended before I got there. I must say that that could be one reason why I've been feeling like this. Isolation does cause people to lose track of relationships and how things work. Anyway...

I need to get back into reading the Bible. I have taken God for granted for two months now and I need to refresh myself in His words in the Bible and see more of who He is, who I am, and who everyone else is. I must admit that when the times of struggle have come, I've fallen away instead of stepping up. Maybe that's one thing that I need to work on. Not being discouraged when the hard times come, because they will come. Learning to depend on God through the hard times and being who He created me to be (in His image) is something that I struggle with. Anyway....got to read more and stop playing video games.

I think that God has impressed this in me. "In everything, treat people the same way you want them to treat you for this is the law and the prophets." "Do not judge or you too will be judged, do not condemn or you too will be condemned, forgive and you'll be forgiven."

We're all human. We all have flaws. No matter what we think of the other person or not, it doesn't matter what we think of them or what they think of us. What matters is what God thinks of them and us. It's easy to judge someone else, but really, you've got to look at your own life. I keep telling myself that I'm not responsible for the wrongs that other people do to me or anyone else. God will judge everyone at the end of time, including me. So, therefore, I should worry more about my own actions and what I do rather than trying to worry about what other people do. Don't get me wrong though, if you can do something then it's good to do something, but you can't change other people. And I'm slowly remembering this.

Anyway, I have a feeling that more people read this blog than I know about. I also have a feeling that people from my church also read this blog too. Whether people have good intentions or bad intentions in reading this is not for me to judge. I really don't care anymore. I know what I'm not. And I know myself better than anyone else, except God.

Anyway, I'm going to live my life regardless of what other people think. It doesn't matter anymore what other people think. This is my life and I'm going to live it my way.

I guess some of you might be wondering what I'm talking about. Sometimes when you think that people think something about you, then you tend to act that way. What I'm saying is, give up caring what other people think about you and become a person of great value. Become a person outstanding in character and in good deeds. Only let that be the core of who you are and not the outside appearance.

For too long I've cared about what other people think. Still, I do care, but I'm being reminded that my worth is seen in God's love for me. People can think whatever they want. They may be right, or they may be wrong. But what matters most is what God thinks of me. Who is anybody to judge anybody else? Is anybody qualified? I think that it's time to stop living under a bowl and to start to come out. Yeah, that's right...

A lot of people don't know me. A lot of people are acquaintences. There's nothing wrong with that. But I'm not going to let people determine who I am anymore. That's for me to decide.

Weekend...

I must say that I had a good weekend, but I felt really weird feeling good for once. Of all the other times that I've spent playing video games, I haven't felt as alive as I did when I spent time with people. I guess it could be either good or depressing depending on your friends or company you keep. But yeah, that's why it's important to find people who have good character.

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

I babbled on again in my blog and I just deleted all that I wrote. I don't think that writing your problems on the internet is a good thing all the time. You'll never know who is reading this stuff. Anyway, I will post some more info later.

The day is almost over. I don't know what to say anymore. I wasted pretty much all my free time. Well, I guess I should stop worrying about what I can't help anymore...