How the heck can I explain a story in Japanese? Man, I'm thinking that I need to work on my Japanese a lot more.

Anyway, another update on games. I bought Okami, the Japanese version and also Growlanser 5 generations. Growlanser generations (a different version) came out for the PS2 here in the states. Growlanser Generations consists of Growlanser 2 and 3 together in one package! And yes 5 is called generations also. The publisher brought 2 and 3 out together and just called it generations. I bought that before they stopped selling that, because I read on Amazon that it was a good game. Too bad working designs (People who brought Alundra, Lunar, and other rare games to the states) are now out of business. I think that if they had a better advertising system they would have done much better. Also, Growlanser cost $50 to buy at Target or Amazon. I paid the price for it, but you can get it on Ebay for about $30 now. Anyway, you get two full games for $25 each, so I figure that that is worth it, especially since it's a RPG. I personally have not played Growlanser 2 or 3, but I've played 1. Yes I bought growlanser 1, a rare game in the US. It's only on the Japanese psone and never made it to the states. I didn't get very far in it before I left the States, so I can't tell you much about it. But I think that the battle system is similar to Growlanser 2 and 3.

Anyway, Working Designs was a cool company, but man, they must have not had a good business model. I'm kind of wondering if they were gamers like me and probably most of you out there that read this blog. Anyway, one reason why I think that their games didn't do so well was that 1, not enough advertising, 2 the price never went down, 3, they stopped making the games that they spent so much money to bring here (probably because they weren't selling). Anyway, if you bought their games, then you would see the amount of effort that they put into some of the packages. Lunar the silver story (I think working designs brought this to the US) was a package of some sort. Anyway, I bought lunar the silver star story here in Japan for $10. In America on Ebay it's going for about 20-30 dollars right now I think. And from the picture, yes working designs did release Lunar the Silver Star Story here in the states.

Anyway, I'm thinking of buying a Japanese ps2 once I get my first full paycheck. That or I could wait until the PS3 comes out. But man, i don't want to have to wait in a line for it. Especially if it is going to be around my students. I mean, they're good kids, but I kind of wonder what the heck I'm going to talk to them for about 3 hours. Anyway, I think that the 2nd graders that I ate lunch with today were disappointed in my conversation ability in Japanese. I couldn't understand what the heck they were saying. But they're good kids. Man, I wonder if I'll ever learn Japanese.

oh well, if I take time to learn it, then I'll pick it up, especially since I'm here in Japan. We'll see though. I mean, you can't really learn something if you don't try. Since I'm not learning any new vocabulary, i'm going to have to pick that up myself.

Okay, back to work.

Church...not visited for a month

Okay, so it's not that much different than when I was back in the States. But yesterday, I got a package of CDs of the sermons for the past month from my home church. I never knew how much I was missing until I didn't have it anymore. Listening to the cds, I found that there's so much that I forgot in a month.

Really, God is the God of the broken, poor, weak, and humble. In Japan, it seems like there's so many people full of great character. There are so many people trying to earn a better life here. What I'm seeing is that no matter how much you do or how much you deserve, you cannot earn the gift of LIFE.

It's so easy to get swept away in how everyone else is and forget what really matters most in life. God is definitely good...and even though He is so good, it's so easy to forget.

It's like there's a party in my mouth and EVERYONE's invited!!!

I bought some cacao in a carton. i thought that it would be something like Chocolate milk, but man, this is so much better! One sip and I thought, man, this is good stuff. This is better than coffee! Hmmm...then I think what Chocolate actually does. And I think...yeah, that's probably why.

It's been awhile since I posted. I've been sleepy for the most part. What else is new? Anyway, I'm wondering how long I'll be at this job. I don't know if I'm going to get canned after 3 months, or if I'll be able to be successful. And even if I am successful, I don't know if I'll be able to stay here because of complications. But I wonder, why am I in Japan? Why did I decide to leave my home country and move to a foreign land? Because of a job? I don't know what I was thinking. But I'm here and it's not too bad, but still, it's tougher than I thought.

I find that I still have a long way to go as a teacher. Man, it's a big change from the other job that I had. Oh man...

Okami

I heard good things about this game from someone who owns a Japanese PS2. It came out around a year ago in Japan and is making its release in the States. It's like the Zelda of the PS2, if you don't count Dark Cloud. You can find the one of several articles on www.gamespot.com

If you just want to read the main preview you can find it here

It comes out on September 19th in America. I will most likely pick up a copy here in Japan. Man, I'll be getting all these good games and I won't have time to play them...

Anyway, it probably won't be a big hit in America mainly because of the Japanese mythology aspect. But, the person who told me about this has high recommendations of the game and I trust her game playing experience.

You can find it on www.EBgames.com for $39.99. You can find the link here.

Rogue Galaxy

Apparently people in Japan don't like Rogue galaxy for some reason. I don't know why. But then again, I've never played the game. I looked on the reviews for Amazon and saw that a lot of people gave it poor ratings. I neglected to read the Japanese though. Hmm...maybe I should do that. Anyway, I'm thinking of buying it from www.amazon.co.jp

Used video games in Japan...

Apparently used video games in Japan seem to have high quality in their condition. In America, the only thing that seems to matter in used video game stores is that the video game works. I'm not sure about all the games, but it does seem like all the games I bought used are in like new condition or at least very good condition. We'll see though. Man, what is my obsession with video games? To that I say, hey, if you wanted to create new worlds, what would you do? Become a storyteller/programmer/creative writer and gain ideas from as many things as possible. Too bad I have no time though...to play games I mean. Maybe if I spent less time on blogger....hmm.....

Late night rantings

We will never ask you for your password!


What's your password?

Do you want it?

Yes!!

Okay here it is. **********

...

That's something that you can use whenever someone asks you for your password. It always comes out like this. **********

A kid on this online video game typed that in the chat room when someone asked him for his password.

Everytime I type my password it comes out like this *********

Sometimes I wonder why I'm here in Japan. I mean, I feel like a loser most of the time, because I don't fit the expectations that people have of teachers and I can't expres myself in Japanese. I guess we're all human, and I do show my weaknesses more than others at times. I do see some reasons as to why I'm here, but then again, I'm finding that I need to pray more, spend less time on the net, and work more on my assignments.

It's tough. I mean, with a full time job, i'm seeing just how little time I have in the day to spend on things that I want to do. If I really want to get things done and get the important things done, I'm going to have to prioritize my time and play much much less. Which means, not doing anything on the weekdays except work and pray. heh. Get it? If you don't know Japanese, then that pun might not have made sense. But I meant pray.

I can't let everyone down. I know that if I fail, my friends and family won't be let down, but if I fail, then all my coworkers in my company and in the schools will be let down.

I'm still trying to get into the swing of things, but so far it's been kind of tough. I feel like the lessons that the company made suck. So I need to make my own adjustments to them. The books that the company made for teaching are all written in Japanese, and those aren't bad. They're actually pretty good. But the ones that I'm talking about are the ones online that are written in English. Some of them are good. But then I feel like a lot of them don't mesh well with the culture. But then again, who am I to judge only being here 3 weeks.

Hmm...maybe I need to study Japanese more and study the books at school that are in Japanese. Man, Japanese...I guess that's the key. Learn the language and the culture and things will be easier. heh

It's Thursday here. Around 8:30pm. I've been slowly trying to adjust to my life here as a teacher. It is a lot different than being a student. But yeah, standards are much higher for teachers...of course.

Anyway, I don't have anything really to say that I haven't said on my other blog. But yeah, some interesting things have occurred because of a communication gap. The vice principal thought that I called him an old man. Luckily my translator was there to clarify things. Just his reaction makes me laugh even now. heh. Luckily the relationship didn't start out bad.

I also said some things that I didn't mean...I mean, I said some things which I wasn't intending to say. I was trying to say something completely different, but I found out that I said something totally wrong. But then again, we'll all make mistakes when speaking another language.

I found an electronics store. Too bad it's kind of far away. I think that I'll just order from the net on their website. I can't imagine how I'd fit a vacuum on my bike. I'd probably have to walk all the way there and carry it home if I did. But at least now I know where the store is. But I did buy the Japanese version of Valkyrie profile for the PSP there. I couldn't find the other games I wanted. So I think that I'll visit the game shop close to my house for Valkyrie profile 2. I bought a Neon Genesis Evangelion game for the PS2 here also for $20. Man, it's in pristine condition for being used. I also bought Metal gear solid 2 for $10, Koudelka for $5, Carnage Heart for $1, Growlanser 4 for $20, Fire Emblem for the GBA for $30. So basically in one day I spent...$86 on used video games and $40 on one new video game. I told myself that I'd make a limit for myself each month. I still have yet to receive my first paycheck.

Anyway, I should be good to go as long as I don't go out and buy more video games that I can't play yet. I have yet to buy a Japanese PS2. I'm waiting for it to go down after the PS3 comes out. Anyway, it's about the same price as it is in the States. $130 here in Japan. Hopefully they don't pull an XBOX on me and raise the price on it after the PS3 comes out. The XBOX went up in price after the XBOX 360 came out. The main reason is that the XBOX 360 can't play all the XBOX games. So what I'm saying is that it's not completely backwards compatible. But who knows...I have a date that I promised myself that I would wait until I bought a PS2. We'll see.

I'm glad that it's almost Friday.

Yeah, I know that I'm supposed to be working on my hw, but yeah, after reading someone else's blog, I decided that I wanted to post some things.

I guess I should spend more time in prayer and in how I relate to people. I find that there is a lot of things that I don't know about. But a lot of things about life can be found inside of the Bible and out in the real world. I'm finding that people don't know Jesus here. But when I look at the people here, I see that they are good people, yet they don't know Jesus. And I look at myself, and I see someone who knows Jesus a little bit, and is a good person, but still has a long way to go to catch up in life to maturity.

I know that if I did what God asked me, then things would generally move in the right direction. Right now, I'm finding that I need to spend more time with God instead of nil. It's so busy here. I get out of work at 5pm. I get to work around 8am. I feel like I have so much to do. But I know that there is more to life than work. I'm still trying to figure out what is most important to me. Right now, in my choices, I'm seeing that survival is the most important right now, work 2nd, and God is last.

I'm thankful that God will accept me no matter what anybody else says. He knows me better than anybody else. He knows me, what I've been through, and what I will go through. He also knows everyone else intimately also. I've come to see that everyone is special, yet recently, I've found that I don't see everyone that way. From God's perspective, He is impartial to everyone. What I mean by that is that He loves everyone the same. And if He could forgive the worst of sinners, he could forgive you and me and everyone that I don't get along with.

One thing that I've been thinking is that if I don't get things together here, at least in my spiritual life, then I don't know where I'll be going. What is it that I really want? Do I want God? I think my choices have been saying no. If I think what is more important, it is definitely God and people. But yet, I find that I have been living for myself.

In a world that fights against God, a world that wants to idolize something other than God, it is so easy to follow the flow instead of going up the river to the mountain. Okay, enough babbling. fighto.

Must do what's right.

I'm in Japan right now and I've been riding a bicycle to the different schools that I'm going to teach at. I haven't traveled very far, because I'm not sure where to go. I don't know where there's an electronics store anywhere. I'm in a suburb of some sorts or small town. I don't even know the bus system here. Anyway, I've pretty much stayed in my general area and haven't ventured out too much.

Daiso, a 100 yen store, is pretty cool. It has a lot of the things that people need in their everyday life. But it seems like every time I go in, I buy a lot and people behind me buy like 4-5 things. I guess I have to adjust to my new apartment, so it's understandable. I don't have everything that I need yet...ie cleaning supplies and stuff...

Anyway, it's been a rough three days, but when I'm on the net at work looking up lessons, it seems to be fine. When I'm not on the internet and trying to create a lesson from scratch, it's pretty frustrating. I mean, there's so much that I could teach these kids, yet how to do that is another story. And how to make it interesting will take some time at home.

Anyway, I'll probably update my other blog more than this one. So yeah, please check my other blog if you know it.

Anyway, one thing that I like about Japan is that so far everyone has treated me so nice. Even though I know that they say some things in front of me or about me, I really could care less. The adults may talk, but at least they treat me nice while I'm there. If things change, then I think that I'm not sure how I'd take it. But yeah, I think for the most part they understand right now.

Teaching has been okay. I have a lot of things to improve on. I also have to work on my personality. Something that I could slack on in the states. I had my comfort zone back home. I could relax and not worry about things so much. I had my parents to talk to. Something I only have now on the weekends. And through email. Right now, I'm alone, but I know that I'm not the only person who feels this way.

I've been told to reach out to the teachers more. it's tough, because they barely speak English. And I don't know how to express myself in Japanese. I'm finding that I need to study more. Or else this is going to continue for the whole year.

Okay, well, I'd better get going. Time to update my other blog.

Well, I'm in Japan right now. It was pretty hot the first couple of days that I was sweating like a pig in a suit. But it has been cloudy these past couple of days so it has been cooler. I'm in Asakusa right now close to Sensoji temple. I didn't visit Sensoji temple, but I saw the gate of Asakusa with the big red lantern.

Today there was a samba in the streets in Asakusa. It was a parade of some sort. They had some people dancing in the streets as the parade moved along. There were also elementary school kids playing in marching band. Some kids were pretty good at the drums also and the syncopated rhythms. Apparently the people in the parade were in a contest of some sort.

I am thinking that I have some things to take care of. I don't have a lot of time left. Actually, I leave the hotel tomorrow and travel to Yamanashi tomorrow with two other guys. I don't actually know how I'm getting there, but one of the guys who has been to Japan before said that he could show me maps at the station.

I am not sure why I'm here in Japan right now. I have a lot of doubts, but I am countering a lot of them with some rational thoughts. Everyone starts out not so skilled at something. I am learning how to put things behind me and to move forward. I'm talking about mistakes and how I view myself.

I have a lot of things to do. I'm thinking that I need to spend more time with God. But this is my last night in Tokyo, so I have to take care of some things first. We'll see though. Anyway, whether or not I do well or whether or not I'm liked, there is something that I've learned these past couple of days. You can't experience life if you're worrying about all the things that you can't help. Basically the two things I mentioned in this paragraph. Sometimes people are good at one thing and they really suck at another. Even though i believe that everyone can do a job well if they learn and find ways to improve, I feel that sometimes there are paths that might not work out. But that's what i hear from some older wiser people. They tried some things, but they found that they liked this other things better. Jobs...man, I wonder where I'll be. What is it that i want to do with my life?

Responsibility is a good thing. I guess I have to learn how to be responsible. I've made one step in this process. I'm going to take more.

Rogue Galaxy

Speaking of my video game obsession, I saw on the circuit city website that Rogue Galaxy is coming out on January 27th, 2007! This game was made by Level 5, the developer who made Dragon Quest VIII and Dark Cloud 2 for the Playstation 2.

It already came out in Japan, and I think that I'll pick one up while I'm there. Anyway, the link on Gamespot can be found here

If you go to www.circuitcity.com you can find that they'll be selling this game for $39.99 when it hits the stores.

This game is an action RPG. Hopefully it's way better than Star Ocean Till the End of Time. I'm guessing it will be, but we'll see. Star Ocean is made by Tri-Ace who made Valkyrie Profile also.

If you don't know anything about Valkyrie Profile, you can check it out on Gamespot here. Apparently a lot of people think that this game is better than the gamespot rating of 7.5 or something like that. It is a rare game and goes for about $100 on Ebay for the Playstation version. You can buy the PSP remake of this for $40 on amazon or anywhere else. I'm planning to pick up the Japanese version of this game because I can't stand dubs in English.

I don't know...maybe I am a little too obsessed with video games. That could be a reason why I have no life right now. heh.

Lately, I've been feeling kind of distant from God. I think the reason goes back to not spending enough time with Him, not going to church regularly, and not reading the Bible. Why have I not been doing these? Video games. Maybe my friends are right. They are a problem for me.

Oh well...maybe I should forget bringing any video games with me over there and not buy them over there either. But I don't think that will happen. heh.

I told myself that I can't buy a PS2 system until a certain date. Things didn't work out the first time I tried to buy one, so I told myself to wait and maybe the price will go down when the PS3 comes out. Hopefully.

Why am I talking so much about material things? Maybe I'm falling too far into the American dream of owning stuff to feel important. Maybe "important" isn't the right word. Maybe it's the phrase, "worth something." Why is it that we stress buying so much? Why is it that so many people are in debt in the US? Capitalism...I wonder how long it will last...

In Japan, my professor told us at lecture that Japanese people have a hard time spending money. They save a whole lot of money, and their economy isn't doing so well. I kind of wonder how it's doing now though...but yeah, did they adopt a capitalistic system in a society that doesn't use capitalism that much? I don't know...I don't know that much about this. But I think that when I'm in Japan, I'm going to have save a lot of money because everything there costs so much. I'm going to have to really work on saving money as it is a problem here for me to do so. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't visit the stores for video games while I'm there. Maybe I should just focus on reading newspapers on the net.

Lately I've been thinking about what God wants me to do. I've been thinking this because I think that He migth have closed a door on Japan. We'll see though. I'm still going to go and I think that I might be coming home pretty soon though. I've been discouraged as I have not been able to get a placement yet. I don't know why it is, only that it has something to do with one portion of my interview that they taped. I talked in Japanese and made some mistakes and I probably miscommunicated some details about myself. I really don't know.

I leave in a week and I have not been placed yet. My mom was telling me to talk to the company to see if they'd be willing to help me out if I don't get placed. I mean, if I don't work in Japan, then what can I do but wait? And from how things are looking, it's going to be really expensive and I can only bring so much money with me. I really don't know what to say...maybe it was God who told me that I should stay at my current job for another year. And since I can't stand my job there, I took the other option, to leave for another job no matter what...even if it may not be the best job in the world, it's something different and something that could help me out in the future with other jobs.

But if I do go back to my current job, then I know that I'm definitely going to be a disgruntled worker.

The strange thing is that people were telling me that they didn't know that I was leaving my current job. One guy who does the same job as me, asked if Friday was my last day this past week. Apparently he had some things he wanted to say before we parted ways. Or so I think. I've made some friends there, but I feel that I cannot keep doing this and working these hours. But I've got to do what I got to do. If I do come back to this old job then I will pray about this some more and really see if this is what God wants me to do for another year. ugh...

My job is not so bad...I got the easiest job there. But really the hours are killing me. I'm not taking it too well and I feel about 3 years older. My body is starting to wear down in my legs and I think that I'm losing some of my hearing, but that could just be my imagination. The company has been good to me by giving me my paycheck and benefits, but really I think that I'm starting to go crazy there. We'll see though.

Japan...maybe now is not the right time. But I think, if not now, then will I ever go there again besides this time?

I'm currently going through Genesis right now. It's been awhile since I read the Bible. I'm trying to read it straight through. Anyway, one thing that I've noticed a lot in the Bible is that all the great people of God obeyed God. Sure they had their flaws and such, but they were great people by doing what is hard and which may go against the grain.

How this relates to me is that I wonder if I will go back to my current job if things don't work out. Does God really want me there? Does He really want me to stay?

Then again, I could be overanalyzing things and this could just be my mistake that I made in the interview and really have nothing to do with God. But then again God sees further ahead. We'll see what happens.

Almost to the end of Faith and Race...but it shouldn't stop here

Man, I can honestly say that this is a difficult class to go to. I end up being angry the whole work day until I can calm down and sort of bury it in the distractions of work and the quirks of my coworkers. While it's not so much the content that makes me angry, it's the whole race thing being brought into my face type of thing with other people.

I haven't really thought about it before, but after taking this class, I'd say that there are some conotations of being Japanese, even if I am Japanese American and not a "true" Japanese person. With the tensions that I feel from the videos and just the uncomfortableness of talking about these things, I wonder if I make these weird faces and show my tension. Which might explain the weird looks I get from people. But I can't help but wonder if a couple left because of what I said about my dad. I haven't seen them since the first class and one of them did mention that there were Japanese people in her area in California.

I don't know...maybe I'm looking too hard where there might not be any unrest and maybe it was because this topic makes me so uncomfortable that when I was trying to pay attention, that I probably gave strange looks to them...but I wonder, does my being Japanese have anything to do with a reason why they might have left and why what I said might have caused them to say something else. I guess I won't ever know. But that is the thing that sticks most in my mind from this class. Japanese...I didn't think that tensions still existed between Japanese, Chinese, and Korean in America. But I guess they do.

Anyway, I felt some more tension later on this past night. But I don't want to talk about it. It was probably nothing.

I look at what I've learned in this class so far. Basically, it's not really about black, white, yellow, red or any other color. What it is is about privilege and how many of us have priveleges that others don't. It is this reason that we discriminate against others who we feel are "less" than us. While we may not consciously say these things, we do discriminate against others. It's human and one of our fallibilities.

The book that we are reading is called, "Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria" by Tatum. You can find it on www.amazon.com here

The main point of the class was this book and showing us that racism does exist today. It is like a smog. While we may not be the cause of the racism, we each have a responsibility to clean it up. (Quote taken from Tatum's book.) One of the points that she did mention was that racism does hurt society. It does hurt indiviuals who can be more than they are right now and are less because of racism. It hurts society because these individuals can help and benefit society instead of other things like problems.

Anyway, for most of the class, I think that we were learning how racism does exist today and that it didn't just exist in the past. For the minorities of the class, we're like...yes this is true. But I'm guessing as many other of my friends did, that the Caucasians didn't understand that there is still racism. And that they too have stereotypes and biases against others.

Anyway, the whole point of the class was not to just inform you of racism, but to help you to find a way to combat racism as a Christian. Tony Campolo said that "Racism is the work of the devil." He also mentioned other things that were the work of the devil also, like sexism.

One point that I want to make is, Ephesians 6:12 says that, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the tulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." NASB. You can find a easier to understand verse here at Biblegateway.com. Paul was talking about taking up the full armor of God from verses 10-24. Meaning to be strong in God as you go out into this world. I highlight verse twelve because if you look at things, Paul had it right in this verse. People are not our enemies. Satan is our enemy. And people are not Satan.

One of the retired pastors at my church told me this story. There was a Japanese Christian fighting as a pilot for Japan during WWII. What makes this rare was that there were hardly any Japanese Christians in Japan as Japan tried to wipe out Christianity for 200 years during the Tokugawa period. So this Japanese Christian was bombing China and he got shot down. He was afraid because he didn't want to be caught by the pagan Chinese. But, it just so happened that the people who saved him were Chinese Cathoic nuns. They hid him from the Chinese army and put their own lives at risk.

Later on, he thought about this. What he realized was that here he was a Christian bombing other Christians. And they happened to save him.

Which is why I say, in war, there is no discrimination. You don't know your enemy and they don't know you. You could be killing your own brother or sister in war and not know it. Anybody can come to know Jesus and God through the Holy Spirit. Which is why I learned that nobody is your enemy no matter who they are, whether they are terrorists or not. As seen in the past, even "good" people have the capability to do evil. Why? All people are capable of doing such things. We know the difference between good and evil. We are not so innocent as we think we are.

What it comes down to is that we in America are not innocent of what's happening in Lebanon. We support Israel and give them the weapons to do such damage to the people. We also are oppressors of other peoples economically. Just look at how much coffee we all drink and the hard labor that other people have to do to get that for us. What do they get? Pennies even if it is fair trade coffee. If it was fair, then we would be paying more for the hard work they do. There is a reason that the poorer keep getting poorer and the richer keep getting richer.

Anyway, I feel that this is meaningless because I myself am not doing anything to right this wrong. What can I do? Even if I do take this class and know all these things, how am I different from anybody else who does wrong?

There is no way that I can repay the debt that I am in. But I guess as Tatum said, there is a smog and while we may not be directly causing it, we all have a responsibility to clean it up. Man, I guess ignorance is bliss. But it comes at the price of other people's misery. I guess the time is near. What do I do? Man, I don't like this.

Anyway, we don't have to do something big to make a difference. We each can do something small. I guess I need to find what is on my heart.

I only have so much time left here in the US. It's kind of weird that I'll be going. I know that it's going to be tougher in Japan and stricter, but I feel that this is a step that I must take. I don't know what I'm going to do if I come back, but we'll see. 7 months is not too long and I think that the time will pass by quickly.

I wonder exactly what I'll do with my time there. I can imagine that I'm going to be lonely for quite awhile. I'm not sure if I can make new friends over there. I'm not sure that if I even do make friends over there that I'd be able to keep them. I'm having doubts to say the least about if I can make it over there.

Anyway, I know that things will be different. I'm leaving everything and everyone I know and going to a foreign country. I kind of wonder if this is wise of me to do this...but maybe this is something that I must do. Otherwise I'll never know what it's like to live in Japan.

I'll have to be more responsible than I am now. I can't go in unprepared and give a crappy lesson that's for sure. From what I've read in the information packet, it really is a different place than the US.

One other thing on my mind is that I'm using up pretty much all my savings that I've saved up since I was a kid to go on this new job. They aren't paying any of my airfare either way and my housing is going to cost an arm and a leg. From what I read, you have to make a down payment of so much money and put in the rent also. The company told us to bring $5000 with us so that we'll survive until our first paycheck, which is in 2 months from the time we start. Half of that will at least go to the apartment and setting it up. We'll have to buy all our supplies there, except for toiletries, which are expensive there also. Then we'll have to survive on around $1500 to $2000 leftover for two months until our paycheck. The paycheck is only around $2000 itself before taxes. Then I should be able to relax for a little bit, but there are some other complications that I have that I'll have to watch out for. We'll see though. As I said, 7 months is not a long time and I can choose to end my contract at that time.

In my current job right now, I'd actually be able to save more money than if I go to Japan with this new job. Even though I get paid more at my Japan job, I still would be able to save more with my current job. One reason is that I don't pay rent at home and I get great benefits from my employer now. But I've made this choice for now. I can't ever go back to my current job after this. Why? I don't want to. But who knows, I might have to sometime in the future and break my word.

Well, all I got to say is, I have a reason for going to Japan. That is, to learn Japanese. I don't know how that will turn out. But if I'm focused enough, and willing enough, then it could be a great experience. Here in the US, even with people who are from Japan and could speak Japanese to me, I feel really akward speaking to them in Japanese. So I don't practice with them. I guess I'll never learn that way. heh.

I guess you can't learn something if you don't put in the time and effort to learn it.

One of my friends already left for Japan a couple of days ago. I wonder how he's doing.

Today was a really rough day at work. I felt pretty bad all throughout the day. I'm not sick, but I think that the lack of good sleep has really made me wacked out. Did I use that in the right context? heh. Anyway, it's not only that, a lot of other things that happened throughout this past week since my parents left and came back has been pretty nerve wracking also.

I think that one thing that always sticks in my mind is that my dad always has a way to make me upset when I tell him something that's not going well. I don't know why he does that, but he tends to make me feel bad about myself. He doesn't mean to make me feel worse, it's just that he does. I know that I have that trait in myself too. When someone tells me something that's not going well I can, at times, make that person feel worse. I didn't intend to do that, it's just that I didn't watch what I said, so I think that's another reason why I watch what I say more often and why I listen a lot more. At times we try not to be like our family, yet in so many ways we are very much like them. In more ways than you think.

Anyway, things built up to today. I lost it at work and went into a silent rage. I think that people can tell when I'm upset. I don't hide it too well. But I think that people gave me space and they didn't seem like they were upset by me either. So I guess I'm glad to get this day over with.

I'm not sure why I'm here sometimes. I'm not sure why God created me. I know it is to do good works and for other purposes too. But I can't help but wonder if everyone else would be better off if I wasn't there. I know, however, that nobody is perfect and that we all have flaws. I know that there will be something that will not go right from time to time. I know why I'm not living a life that means something right now. I guess it really depends on me. What do I want in my life? Where do I see myself in the future? What will I do right now to make that happen? What are some steps that I can take to grow? And how can I keep that up?

Okay, lets do it.

Did someone say baseball?

I went to a game yesterday. My first one in 3 years! I forgot a lot about what it's like being there the stadium. It was a great experience. But part of me was wondering why I go.

It's not that my friends aren't nice to me or that they don't treat me well, it's just that I don't say very much and I feel like I'm just a walking wall. Sometimes it makes me feel like I don't belong there with my friends. But I know that if I want to belong I've got to speak up and take part of my friendship with them. Hopefully I'll develop this more in Japan.

As the night progressed, people talked to me and made efforts to reach out to me. I was surprised, because I honestly thought that my friends didn't want me around. But I guess I was wrong. I guess that shows what happens when you can't hang around your friends that often. Man, my thinking is irrational quite a bit, and I kind of wonder why that is. I'm guessing it's that my lack of experience with friendships and friends altogether is novice. I missed out on a lot in Jr. High and High school in terms of friendships. I never really had that many friends...and hardly any I'd call good friends. There were only two friends that I would call good friends in high school. And they were my only friends.

I don't think that those are the only reasons though. But still, life is simple, yet it's not simple. sometimes what we think is the root of the cause is not the root, but a byproduct of something else. So I really don't know.

Anyway, I've grown quite a bit since high school, but still, I have a long way to go to catch up to everyone else. I know what I need to do...I just don't want to do it right now. And I know that unless I change, I'll still be stuck here in this rut for a long long time.

I've struggled with this for a long time now. I guess I haven't changed that much.

If you notice the time right now, I missed church again. It's becoming a bad habit nowadays. I just forgot to set my alarm before I went to sleep. Man was I tired...I think that this is really becoming a problem because I only have so many days left here and I won't be seeing them for awhile. Oh well...

A wedding...

I woke up around 10 yesterday. I knew that it was my friend's wedding that day and I wasn't sure if I was going to go. I felt like all the other times that I've declined to go to something. Maybe I just wanted to do what I wanted to do instead of celebrating with my friend his new life together with his fiancee now his wife. Yeah, selfish of me. But I went anyway, and I had a really good time.

It seems like I tend to want to be alone, yet humans are not supposed to be alone. They need other people or companionship. I think the reason why I tend to want to be alone is that I have been alone for a majority of my life. It's safer than being with others. You don't hurt others or get hurt by others. But everyone needs somebody sometime.

So I left after I walked the dog. I thought that I was going to be late. But the wedding started a little later than scheduled, so it was lucky for me.

All throughout the wedding, I was thinking, "they sure are a good couple." I also was happy for my friend because he found someone who is a really great person. I don't know her that well, but she's always been nice to me, even though I don't know how to relate to people from time to time. I don't say very much so it makes people uncomfortable or bored with me. Hmm...maybe I need to say something so that I break this habit of being silent...even if it sounds stupid. I've always tried to watch what I say because my dad would say things off the top of his head and it would sound really bad. He didn't even mean what he said, but he would say things that just put him in a bad picture.

Back to the wedding. For once I understood what Jesus said when the friend of the bridegroom rejoices when the bride and bridegroom come together. I forgot what He was referencing, but I think that it had to do with Jesus coming back to earth. Anyway, that's not what I meant, but I understood that people want to see other people that they care about happy. Hmm...I wonder when Jesus will come back to earth, and if I will be happy when He does. Hmm...

I felt happy for once. Here I was celebrating with the rest a joyful occasion. I'm happy for my friend and his wife. I don't know what to say sometimes. But I'm glad that they found each other.

I'm also glad that I was a part of their wedding. Not in any significant way, but just being able to witness their coming together was really special.

I kind of wonder sometimes where I'll be in ten years. Will I be married? Will I be worshipping God in my life? Will I be doing anything for Him? I think that getting married, while a major step in one's life, is not what I should be focusing on. Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you. Not saying that you will get married if you follow God, but saying that life will be fulfilling. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy...in fact it's tougher to follow God than to not follow God. I wonder exactly what I'm doing here on earth.

I think for me though, it's best that I don't focus so much on finding a wife, that will come if I'm ready and mature enough for a wife. But, I know that getting married to the right person is really something that is from God alone. Maybe I never will get married. Not saying that I won't ever be mature enough, but I wonder where God will lead me. And I also wonder if I will follow.

Recently, I've been following my own path that I've been cutting and hacking. Maybe this is the wide path that leads to death. I don't know anymore. All I know is that I don't have any direction of where to go. So I'm finding my own way.

Anyway, I've digressed quite a bit.

Video games...

I've been playing video games like mad when I come home from work. I've been trying to make the most of my collection while I'm still here.

Anyway, I should really get going...

The countdown continues...

as one of my friends put it in relation to me going to Japan. Yes, I talk like this...do you have a problem wid it?!

Anyway, back to Japan, I am going to be leaving pretty soon. Just 5 more weeks until I'm out of the US for awhile. Man, when I went to Japan the first time I couldn't wait to leave the US. But since I made friends in college and have a church to go I am finding it harder to leave. I think that things are going pretty well over here in the US, but when I look back on my blog and this past year of work I see a different story.

Waking up at 2 in the morning. The hum of conveyor belts. The loud screeching noise of an unoiled belt (that I work on.) Some of the guys yelling weird stuff at each other. High stress due to the amount of packages coming through. Dirt and dust in your nose. And other things to boot.

I guess it wasn't such a bad job though. I mean, I made some friends there...even if they are only just coworkers. You can find some great people at some of the these lowly jobs. They may not have a degree, but they have at least common sense on how to do their job well. I'd say that they have been the best part about working at this job and the hardest part too. But I'd say that I'm going to miss this place when I leave.


Man, I'm going crazy at work. The belt (that I work on and mentioned above) screeches every time a box is put on the belt. The heavier the box, the worse the scream of the banshee is. I'm buying ear plugs this weekend. I guess what's more important is not having to put up with the noise instead of hearing instructions from the other guy I work with. Hey, if you heard a loud, long screeching noise every time a box was put on your belt, you'd go a little crazy too. That, or the hours will do something bad to you. Like age you...seriously.

I guess my managers could tell that I'm having a tough time with this noise because they've been sending me upstairs every day this past week. I was seriously getting pissed from that noise. Then I calmed down when I was sent upstairs. Man...I don't know how much longer I can take that noise. But then hopefully the earplugs will work.

Well...back to Japan...The plane ticket is going to cost around $1500. The company doesn't pay your way over, so I'm thinking of staying an extra year if they offer me one to make up the difference. Unless God tells me to come home after my first year.

Goodbyes...

We said goodbye to one of our friends last night. There's so much I didn't know about him, but I could totally see that in him, even though I didn't know about it. It's in his character and he'll do some great work over there.

He became a Christian 13 years ago and he's done some great things as from the testimonies given by a lot of people at the goodbye party. Well, I should have signed up for his email thing, but there were a lot of people already at the table, so I left early because I was getting tired. Yeah, I'm lame...

Okay, well enough bashing today on myself. If I don't stop then I'm going to feel even worse. heh.

I didn't do it...

When I got to work today, I found that my manager was busy running around and getting things done. I waited and waited until there was a good time, but there just wasn't any. I guess if I really wanted to apologize, then I should have done so, but I guess I didn't really want to. Anyway, my manager didn't seem too upset at me, so I took it that things were okay. Convienient excuse...

Faith and Race...

I went to a faith and race discussion class last night that will meet once every week for 5 weeks. I must say that I was a little hesistant in going. I mean, I went to perspectives and I found that stuff to be over my head. Perspectives is a lot of work if you are taking it for the certificate, which I did and didn't receive because I was too wound up in how much work there was. But I signed up anyway because that was what our small group is doing.

So I get there with my small group and listen to the pastor talk about the history of faith and race in the Bible and in other cultures and religions. Pretty interesting stuff. It's complicated and I don't want to get into the details. I kind of get the picture, it was from being segregated to understanding one another...which hasn't happened yet.

We watched part of a video where people from different ethnicities came together, including caucasian (just for those who might not think of caucasian as an ethnicity), and talked about race and their views on it. It was pretty heated and I understand that a lot of people just don't get it.

What stuck out the most from what one of the people in the video said was, "I'm not afraid of the KKK or white supremisists. The people that have done the most damage to me was not those people, but...the church goers, the middle class, the 'good' people."

Probably most of you can't understand that. I admit that I didn't realize that either. But when I look at things, he did speak truth.

Anyway, it's a gritty topic and I'm sure that it won't be solved by this blog. But, what I do know is that there are problems here in the US and in the world. And it's not from the people of color. If you don't know the history of what 'white' people have done, then you won't understand. And it doesn't only stem from slavery.

But I think that for the most part, people shouldn't be our enemies. Why I keep saying that terrorists are not our enemies, is that they are people like us looking for a cause in their lives. If you look at 9/11, you can see the pain and hurt that our country experienced by that terrorist attack. What you don't know is all the stuff that has happened to them to make them want to do that to us. The US has caused a lot of trouble in the middle east, not saying that we only do bad in the middle east, but I'm saying that we are part of the problem of why terrorists attack us, and why they continue to attack us.

I digressed, but what I'm saying is, people are not the enemy regardless of what organization they belong to. In Christian belief, Satan is the enemy and people are not. But what it seems like in the US nowadays is that we make the terrorists our enemies so that we have a reason to go and fight and try to make others like us. That in itself will never work. Why? You may ask?
How hard is it for you to lose 5 lbs.? How hard is it for an old dog to learn new tricks? How hard is it for a wife to change a husband, or a husband to change a wife? How hard is it to change yourself? I find it amazing that people think that they can change another person to be like themselves, when in reality, if a person doesn't want to change, they won't. So, how do you in effect try to make others like the United States of America? A democracy in Iraq will not be the same as a democracy in the United States.

Look at Japan. Japan's democracy is radically different from the United States' democracy. You may say that they have a different constitution...but if you look at things, it's still the United States' original constitution that they created for Japan and Japan hasn't changed it in the slightest. It's still the same as when they created it 50 some plus years ago. But, if you look at things, "so much has changed in Japan, and yet so much has not changed" according to my professor. What he was trying to beat into our minds was that the cultural norms and habits have not changed one bit. It still remains Japan, yet it is governed differently in context of their culture.

Great, now I'm going to profiled. Maybe I already am...

Anyway, my professor really hopes that things will work out in Iraq, but from past history, it's going to be hard. It will not be like Japan, because Japan is totally different from Iraq. We'll see though. Maybe the invasion of Iraq will be a good thing down the line in the future. Who knows.

Anyway, I digressed from what I was trying to say. People are not our enemies, whether they treat us ill or harm us. But, I know that's not something that everyone can take. Even myself...as I get angry at people from time time, I can't but help but think that they are my enemy, even though I may never see them again. I guess what I'm trying to say is this,

We are all related to each other on this earth. Regardless of what the other looks like we are related to them. What isn't happening though is an understanding of each other. We are all created different for a reason, so that there will be diversity. But diversity is not always looked upon as good. I'm not sure what needs to happen, but I think my point about writing this long entry was that the church needs to understand people from the people's point of view and not from their point of view.

I've known this for awhile. I try to understand people, but I do fall down. Plus I do judge from to time and have to catch myself. Nobody is immune to judging others, it's human nature. But we are called not to judge or else we too will be judged. We are called not to condemn or else we too will be condemned. Forgive and we will be forgiven.

I was told that slavery is as American as apple pie. I was also told that the Christians who didn't go with the norm of slavery started an abolitionist movement because it didn't go with the bible. So often did people try to use the Bible to justify slavery. But few disagreed and did something about it. I'm not saying that it was perfect, but what I'm saying is this...

the faith and race discussion group things are so that we can be a catalyst to making things right in any small or large way we can. Race is an issue today, because people have notions of other people without even getting to know them. And even when they get to know them, there is still some lingering sterotype or bias that is labeled to someone whether it's a good label or a bad label.

This is a long post, but yeah, if you can see people totally different from you as being human, not meaning the same as your habits or your culture, but meaning the same as you in terms of equality and being the same level as you, then that's one step. That's one step out of a long journey.

That is why I say that the terrorists are not our enemies. That is why I say that people are not our enemies. Because the terrorists like us, were born from a mother and father, were raised up and experienced life whether good or bad as all of us do. Why they are seeking to harm us could be because we harmed them in some way, whether intentionally, or unintentionally. Anyway, there's a long histroy behind all of this and it spans further than the birth of the United States.

Anyway, end rant...

Today at work things didn't go well. I messed up on something and got scolded. I was angry for a little while, but after work I kept telling myself, "Try to see it from their point of view." I kept on replaying what went on at work today. All the not in service labels which were causing the packages to be sent upstairs, all the work they must be doing to keep up up there too and how frustrated I got when I had to scan something and snatch it off the belt if the label came out blank.

At the time I failed to see why I had all this extra work to do. I was wondering why they didn't do all of this upstairs. I thought at the time that they had been sent home. So I became angrier.

With each label that came out blank, I had to snatch it off the belt and place it either by my feet or in a tub, which was getting excessively full. When it came to the envelopes, we were supposed to pull them off, which I did for awhile, until it got ridiculously crowded in my work area. I asked one of the newer supervisors if I could just send these up and he said to do so until someone told me otherwise. So I did, and I got scolded, big time.

My reply was a, "yeah, yeah." I think that pissed my manager off. Indeed that was wrong of me, because I didn't see it from their point of view. I failed to see how much stress they are put under each day and how today was unusually particular with that. I knew why we pull the envelopes and I didn't follow through, so it was my fault. Even though my other manager who is new told me to do that, I shouldn't have asked him, because he's still trying to learn his position of authority and I knew that he'd say yes. So I take responsiblity. Tomorrow I need to apologize to my manager that I pissed off.

Today was one of those days...it wasn't such a big deal, but it got my adrenaline pumping. I guess that will happen now and again. I can imagine what my manager will say tomorrow. But hopefully it won't be that bad. heh.

Stress...man, I think that I need to exercise more than I am now...which is nil.

Sunday

I woke up late this morning. I was listening to my radio alarm in my sleep. It was some pretty interesting stuff that kind of related to me. Finally, I got up and went to church.

I couldn't help but think later today that I'm going to have to learn a lot of things by trial and error. I mean, the lady on the radio was telling about her life and how she couldn't seem to understand social situations. I found that I have some of the same problems. But she managed to learn however difficult or impossible some people think it may be for people like that. People like me.

I'm amazed too that that lady was able to speak so clearly and eloquently even though she had some problems with speaking. The radio announcer said that she definitely has a high intelligence level, it's just that she doesn't understand social things. I guess I'm going to have to work twice as hard as she did if I want to get up to that level. heh.

Anyway, there were some new people at church today. They were a missionary family that was visiting and maybe giving a message. I found that I had trouble trying to introduce myself. Part of me just didn't want to put up with being rejected again. So I left early.

With all the new things that I'm going to be experiencing, I think that it might have been better if I stayed, but for me maybe it was better that I withdrew.

Personaly feelings and thoughts are better left not on the internet.

Anime...

I've been watching a new anime recently. Pretty good. It's called Bleach. A really good anime that is still coming out in Japan. Oh the joys of the internet that bring worlds closer together. Actually, that may not always be a good thing, but in this case, tv shows are pretty cool. Anyway, you can check out the episodes off of bitorrent. Or, if you don't mind the dubs, then Bleach is coming out on Adult Swim in September. A really good anime I must say. But definitely for teenagers and not for kids.

A website my friend recommended is

www.bleach7.com

It also has a list of other fansites there too.

Man, I definitely have to buy the manga when I go to Japan. Hopefully they won't think of me as some weird teacher guy that likes things for kids.

Bleach...

I've watched 40 episodes so far since July 5th. That's how addicted I am to this. I definitely am going to buy the series when it comes out on DVD here in the States. It's worth it. Anyway, don't cheat the people who make these great stories. If you have the episodes and like them, then please buy it so that they can get something for their hard work. Not the burned dvds, but the actual licensed ones. Otherwise people may not want to make entertainment as good as this anymore. Yeah, I believe that if someone makes something good, it's good to receive what's due to them. Anyway...

Honestly I don't know what to write anymore. What can I write about my life? What is there to talk about? What more is there about me? Well...there's lots that I haven't said, but not much that I want to talk about.

I guess it's not good to say everything that is on your heart, especially when it's to the whole internet world to see.

The fourth of July...

was a good day for me. I spent it with my friends from church at someone's apartment and we went to watch the fireworks later on at the pier. It was a good time hanging out with my friends and for once feeling happy again. I was thinking of not going, but I'm glad that I went.

I don't know what it is, but something inside of me feels distant. I think that all the time that I spend alone in my room playing video games or watching TV has something to do with that. But with my current schedule what else can I do? I'm just glad that I'm going to be getting out of this schedule soon.

Anyway, it was nice to break the routine and do something different for once.

...

Regarding the fourth...something happened...not to me, but to someone else. I couldn't help but feel sorry. Not everyone's fourth of July was happy. I am not equipped to handle things like this. Especially when it involves people on the street. But I can't help but wonder if I experienced all these things in my life for a reason. And if so, what is it?

Funny...I don't want to ask it though. Is ignorance bliss? Or is ignorance just putting something off until it strikes you down? I can't help but look at America in this situation. A lot of people in America don't know what goes on inside of America let alone outside of it. We are busy living our self contained lives in our isolationist world. That's the normal citizen. We don't have time. I personally don't know if I care anymore about that. I mean, I could talk about it all I want, but they're just words unless I do something about it or someone else does something about it.

In the Alpha course our fellowship group just finished, there was one session where the speaker talked about one guy in 1824 or something like that in England. He saw a darkness around him and had two choices. He could pursue his dreams and become very rich, or he could do something about what he saw and make changes. To make a long story short, he made society better by choosing to live for God and fight for what he thought was right. A couple of things that he fought for was humane treatment of the mentally ill, no child under 14 should work in a factory or at all and should go to school instead, and the abolishment of slavery in England are just a few things that he fought for. I forgot his name...but he was buried at Westminster Abbey because of his hard work and things he did for God and people.

I can't say that I'm going to be like that. But...I think that we all have that choice. What are we living for? I guess in my case, I'm living to get by. I'm working so that I can earn some money and eat and live under a roof and afford the luxuries of life. It may be fun now, but I wonder...what the heck am I doing here?!

I feel so ineffective. Maybe I should spend more time reading the Bible and praying than I do watching anime. But when it comes down to it, I seek other things to help me to get through the day. Do I care anymore? Do I care? Part of me does and part of me wants to turn away.

I didn't realize that this is a war. But, as the Alpha guy said, warfare is unpleasant. And being a Christian makes things harder. Being a Christian means fighting a spiritual war. I'm not talking about any wars right now or even a holy war like Jihad or something like that. What I'm talking about is things that people wouldn't ordinarily call war. Anyway, why am I babbling.

Anyway, Alpha...a pretty good course for seekers and even people who have been Christian for some time. It's not meant to be kept a secret, but meant to make disciples or teach people about Jesus and what the Christian life is about and to build friendships.

Working on a holiday so that you can spend time with your friends...

With my shift I don't get to spend that much time with friends. But I got tomorrow off instead of today so that I could enjoy the fireworks tonight. Last year I had to miss everything because I worked the next day, so I couldn't spend any time with my friends on the fourth. So I'm glad that I got tomorrow off. heh.

Today was kind of horrible though. It started out kind of weird with thunder and lightning in the morning. Then when I got to work, there was a lot of work to do, so we stayed for about a whole day's worth of work. Which is not unusual, but we were expecting a lot less. I got pretty frustrated for most of the day, but I'm glad that today is over.

For some reason, there is something stuck underneath the conveyor belt that I work on. I think that it's those plastic packing peanuts, so it makes this screeching noise for prolonged periods, which happened pretty frequently today. I don't know how much longer I can take this. It's pretty loud and I'm right next to it while I'm scanning boxes. But I guess I should have been more diligent in moving that stuff off the belt so that it didn't get stuck in the machinery. It's kind of tough to do that when you're trying to scan all these boxes going by. But I'm not the only one who doesn't do that and I'm paying the price now.

oh well, it could be worse.

I'm not sure what lies ahead, but I think that I really need to move on or else I'll go deaf. Seriously. I think that I have lost some of my hearing already from working there a year now.

Watch out for the blind guy...he just might hurt you if you do something

I just finished watching Zatoichi, the one by Beat Takeshi. Pretty interesting movie. Probably most of you know this already but Zatoichi is a masseur who goes around massaging people for a living. But, he's also skilled with a sword, which he uses to defend himself and others.

There were Zatoichi movies before this one. They had a different guy in it and he was kind of different. He was also portrayed as a good hero type who used death when he needed to. Among the underworld, he was pretty well known apparently. Check them out if you have a chance. You can get some of those movies off of netFlix. You can find the link here

The one in 2003 by Beat Takeshi is the one that I mentioned above.

[Edit]
A webpage of the original series and a better description of Zatoichi can be found here. Apparently there are 26 movies out of the original Zatoichi.

If you want to buy the latest movie of Zatoichi by Beat Takeshi, you can find it here

Amazon has quite a few of the Zatoichi movies if you would like to buy them. But I'm sure that many of you can find them elsewhere.

I've been watching Neon Genesis Evangelion...only the first couple of episodes. I feel kind of like the main character...not a hero at all, but more unsure of what to do. The theme song is pretty interesting though. It is one of encouragement to the main character. "You don't know what you've got going for you" is one of the lines. I'm only on the first two episodes right now. I've been waiting for the price to go down for quite some time. The whole series for $45. Not bad...comparing the $100 that it started at. I even have the first tape when it came out in America. It was $10 for the first tape and $25 each tape after that. The total amount of tapes was like 13. Each tape had 2 episodes on them, so I've been waiting ever since then for the price to go down. At that time I was a senior in High school and was using some of my savings to find something in life to keep me busy.

Now that I have a part time job with horrible hours, I thought that I needed something to liven my life up. Actually, it was an impulse buy, because I knew that it would never go down to that price again. You can find the series box set on Amazon for about $45. I don't know if that's the price anymore though. For 26 episodes and the director's cut episodes for the last four episodes I'd say that this is a pretty good bargain. However with new DVD technology coming out, I'd say that you might be able to buy all the episodes on one disc for $20 sometime in the not so distant future. But who knows, they might just cancel selling it altogether like Gasaraki.

Anyway, materialism comes when there's nothing there. A way to fill the void of the spiritual gap that is my life. Hmm...materialism...I really don't need any of this stuff to live. Technology has never brought happiness to my life. It has brought filler inbetween the down times. I'm not saying that technology is bad, what I'm saying is that there needs to be something else besides technology to fill that hunger...a spiritual hunger. God? Um-hmm.

Talking with my brother today, I told him some of the frustrations that I've been feeling. It was a good talk and I think that he shed some light on the situation. I know that there are some things that I can't change. But that's life. I myself am only human and I don't have any special powers that can change things that I can't help. That must come from something else. But at least words might help. Well, maybe it's time to move on with life. I've been drifting for the past two years. Maybe going to Japan will be my next destination.

So today was the picnic for our church. I rode up with my brother, since he's in town and we're pretty much going to the same area, so he just dropped me off. I must say that it's kind of weird being back at church. I wasn't gone for that long, but I was gone for a significant amount of time. I was gone because of my new schedule and the lack of sleep that I got throughout the week. Anyway...

Being out of college, I've found that I've lost a lot of social skills that I once had. If you don't practice something, then it's tough to actually get good at it. In fact, you'll always be mediocre if you don't practice something. So I really didn't want to talk to people that much. So I'm saying that I'm staying mediocre because I don't want to go out there and try anymore. heh.

Maybe staying safe has been an issue for the past 4 years. I used to take chances to meet new people and talk to everyone that I could. I used to be a lot more upbeat and I was growing at that time. But since that incident 4 years ago, I felt like part of me died when I had to reject helping someone else. I felt like I was rejecting myself. Part of it was prophetic in some way that getting involved with this person would lead to death in either one of two ways. One was actual physical death. The other, the death of my personality or something like that. I don't want to say. But yeah, since then, I've taken a different path than the one that I was on before.
Kind of funny how decisions in your life do make a difference in where you'll be later on.

Part of me knows that I can't keep on living in the past. I know that I need to reconcile myself to that past and be healed in some way. Maybe I should seriously pray about this. Anyway, what I was trying to say was that I can't keep letting this part of me eat away at me. But part of me says that that's how things are. They won't change. I know that the latter is not a full truth though.

It reminds of Back to the Future where in Back to the Future part 2, Marty hears something mentioned about his future and how that event completely changed his life in the future from being someone who was going somewhere to someone who threw his life away. Someone who was going somewhere but became a loser because he chose a different path. It kind of reminds of me in some sense that this event happened to me and I changed because of it. But...I know that I could let this event control me for the rest of my life, or else I could take control of it and do something to be healed of it. I know that I can't do this by myself, but hopefully, with God's help, I will be able to.

In some sense we're not helpless, because we can turn to God who can help us through these things. I'm not saying just turn to God and all your problems will go away. I'm not saying that. It's complicated, and I don't think that I can explain it. Maybe I don't know how to fix myself. But I do know that I can just sit there and let life come at me, or get up and go to it.

Man, maybe I need to pray.

It's kind of funny, when I got onto the blogger homepage to sign in, there were no blogs that were updated at the time that I logged in, which was just a little while ago. I guess everyone is doing something right now on a saturday afternoon.

Well, I just wanted to rephrase one line that one of my friends wrote on his blog a long time ago.

"Even if the whole world rejects me, God will still accept me."

I look at things now. I look at how things are. Reality is not kind. When will reality ever be kind to anyone? I find that there is a lot of pain and sorrow in this world, but there is hope. Someone once wrote that hope is frail and easily crushed, but hard to kill. Sometimes hope is the only thing that keeps me going. (Thank you Knight's Tale.)

I wonder exactly why God placed me on this earth sometimes. I know that everyone has a purpose here and that our purposes will be seen in knowing God and His purposes for us. But I also know that a lot of us never live out those purposes. I mean, what am I preparing for? What am I doing here?

The fellowship leaders asked us, "what is your ministry?" I don't know what my ministry is. Maybe I should pray about it. But yeah, being a Christian doesn't mean only going to church and fellowship or Bible study...it does mean reaching out to those who need Jesus. And who needs Jesus? I guess that's what I have to find out.

Anyway, I'm ranting late at night when I should be sleeping. Maybe I think too much...when I should be doing something else...

Some things have happened in a week. I won't go through the details, but yeah, things have happened. Not too many bad things, but some good things also.

I think that things are looking up for me. Not that things are perfect, but I think that I'm content with what I have now. I'm thinking that there are some problems at work, not necessarily with me, but coworkers and other coworkers. It's kind of strange how some personalities grind against each other, and some get along fine.

I guess I can understand why each party would feel a certain way, but I really don't want to try to get in the middle of this.

Chrono Cross

I started playing through the sequel to Chrono Trigger yesterday. It's kind of like the first game. The main character doesn't speak a word. Kind of like Dragon Quest VIII. I think however that this will be a good game despite it being really easy so far. I guess only one hour into it, what can you expect?

Throw it away...keep only the stuff you want

Heh, my parents said that they want me to mark everything that I want to keep and what I would like to throw away or give away before I go to Japan. I'm not a person who goes out and buys stuff that I don't want usually. If I buy it, it means that I usually want to keep it for a long long time. I think that the only things that I would like to get rid of are my books. My Video games have a replayability to them. DVDs don't ever get old. Looking around, probably the only thing that I'd get rid of is the old clothes that I still wear. I still wear some clothes that I have worn since Jr. High school and High school. Yeah, they're still good. I don't know how people can go out and buy new clothes so often. I guess that's why I don't look good at most functions and get togethers. But that's never been a high priority for me. I only have a few good dress clothes that I wear when necessary. And even then, I don't like wearing them. Maybe that will change when I go to Japan.

I'm guessing not though. heh

Serious stuff...

Some things you kind of think won't happen to anyone you know. But yeah, some serious stuff has happened. I only heard news from someone, but hopefully my friend is alright. Anyway, being at this job, things happen. Not specifically at the job, but yeah, it's a side of society that I've been sheltered from. I've never had to worry about these types of things, but apparently a lot of people do. Makes me wonder what I'm doing trying to move up in the world. What is really important to me? And what is it that I want to do for the rest of my life? I think about some things and I can and can't picture myself doing vocational ministry. I mean, I haven't been doing any ministry right now. But who knows, we'll see where I go.

Ministry is not going to church or reaching out to the congregation. It's not building up the church so that they can get stronger for nothing. Really, for most people, ministry will be outside of the church, while few will do ministry inside. I don't think that my ministry will be inside. There are some things that I'd rather not deal with. heh. But yeah, definitely it is more exciting to go out. I'm wondering what I can do. What will I do? And will I do it? Lately this has been a no. But I'm thinking that I need to have some purpose to my life.

I guess it's true that there needs to be some output from the input in your life. Meaning that you need to apply what you learn, or else it will be lost.

Why do I blog? I'm wondering why I would want to post my thoughts to the world. Why do I desire to be known and to know others? I'm going to stop blogging for a week.

Here I am...

What I heard from some people is that you can't make things happen all at once. It may take years for it to happen. But you've got to prepare for it or else it won't. With my new teaching job coming up, people asked me how I'm preparing for it. "I'm not," I said into my chest. Yeah...I guess I should prepare before it's too late.

Initiative has never been my strong point. I guess I can say that it's been like this for awhile, but maybe it's been like this because I don't think ahead unless I really think ahead. I can't keep living like a kid anymore.

It's always been like this. I mention something that I'm going to do and I never get around to it. do I only do what I want to do and not what I need to? Well, typing this won't do anything. I guess I should make some plans.

So I check the answering machine today because my dad left me a note. Apparently I missed my appointment yesterday. I called in today for another appointment and they were happy to schedule me one, but I have to pay a $40 surcharge for missing my appointment. I'm glad that they don't charge me the full $100 for missing it. Hopefully I don't have to.

Never schedule an appointment on Monday. They always call on Friday and I didn't get the message on the machine. So tough luck for me. But I'm thankful that I still have another appointment scheduled.

Well, maybe this was an answer to my prayer to be more responsible. I think that I mentioned that to God, but I'm not sure. Well, this is a sign for me to use my PDA. Yup...

Magna Carta: Tears of Blood

I've logged 70 hours into it already. I played 4 more today. I must say that if you can get past the same lines that they repeat over and over and over again in battle and also stand the battle system, then you might make it through the game.

I really don't like the battle system, because it's kind of slow and boring. You attack with one character at a time which the computer also attacks with one character at a time. It's not fast paced at all. The only thing that you have to watch out for is moving your low on life character out of the line of fire soon enough and letting the other characters take hits.

For those of you who have trouble keeping time with your fingers, then this game may not be the game for you. You get penalized if you miss a rhythm beat out of 3 altogether button presses per attack. What happens is that your leadership bar goes down as if you attacked and you have to wait for it to fill up again. The leadership bar has notches for each character when they can attack. If it doesn't reach that point of the notch for the character, then they can't do anything but move. It was fun at first, but 70 hours later, I'm getting tired of it.

The only strength of the game is the story. It has a great story about revenge, disappointment, reconciliation in the past and present and about losing loved ones. It really is a great story which can only be told in the length of a video game or book. The voice acting is pretty good for the main characters. Some of the minor characters have weak voice acting, but they are few. Even the peons have good voice actors.

Overall this game should be played for the story and not so much the gameplay mechanics. However, it might be tougher for those who have trouble keeping time, but this game might have been geared towards people who have little experience with this. Interesting game though. This is just a few things that I covered in this game. There are a few more things like combining elements for different item uses or getting a boost by getting a good fortune or fighting worse by getting a bad fortune, but they are mainly minor. Overall those with the patience to play this game will be rewarded and maybe tortured at the same time. I'm finding that I've been playing several games at once, because I've played too many rpgs and get bored really easily by the repetitiveness of each one. The worst thing to do is waste too much time on video games if you have stuff to do. Yeah, maybe I should study Japanese.

hesa tomodachi.

heh, I just thought that I needed to be reminded of some laughter. Hirai Ken...heh. If you don't know the reference, then you probably don't know what I'm talking about.

A New Life begins

Went to a wedding today. Good stuff. I was touched by the ceremony. I think that they will do well in their new life together because they have a great love for God first and they have a great love for themselves and their spouse.

I arrived there 15 minutes early. I was expecting a packed house, so I didn't want to worry about parking. I got there and noticed some people that I knew. They were pretty far away, but yeah, couldn't talk to them. I reached the table to sign the wedding book and someone greeted me. "Hi," I said unenthusiatically. I really wasn't sure how to respond. I'm so used to being unenthusiastic from working in the world. Someone else greeted me and I warmed up. I felt bad a little bit later at how uncaring that I greeted my friend from college.

To be honest, I wasn't sure about coming to the wedding. I wasn't sure how I'd be received. I wanted to be a blessing to my friends getting married, but I felt far from that. To me, I really don't see why people invite me or even care about me. Part of me feels like I don't belong anyplace. Part of me feels like I should be on the streets because of all the wrong that I've done. Maybe I should...but I was forgiven and I can't turn back now.

Going into the sanctuary, I didn't see anybody that I knew sitting in any of the pews. I saw some of the people that I knew ready to play music, but I couldn't sit by them. So I chose a corner of the room where there were some people. I was determined to sit in a couple pews in front of them, because I would feel akward sitting next to them or even behind them.

Someone greeted me again. So I had someone to sit by. Then one of my other friends from college sat by me. I wasn't alone as I was expecting to be. Alone and by myself in a crowd of people, I was and was not.

The ceremony started and it was beautiful. The bride and groom couldn't have prepared a better wedding. It was really good. It was amazing to see how the words spoken about each of them got right to the core of who they both are. They are great people and I know that they will have a wonderful life together.

After the ceremony ended, I saw some old faces that I haven't seen for awhile. All from college. Some people are getting together with others that they've met in their new places. I felt like I was reliving part of college again.

Anyway, I won't describe more what happened at the event. I will however describe some of my own thoughts about my own life.

I was really glad to go to this wedding today. It was a reminder of the changes that I'm seeing in people's lives. All of them are still the same people, but they are different in a way from how they were before. They seem like they're making positive steps in their lives. I'm sure that they are. Sometimes I wonder how much we all have changed. I don't keep too many records of the past, only in my memory do I relive some moments. (Maybe I should...keep more records.) Anyway, it got me thinking about my own personal life.

Someone said something today about the wedding. I don't know why I said this, or how this came up, but I told them that I didn't think that I would get married. I mean, I believe that I will, but it seems so unlikely. Why? I am not there yet. I can barely care for myself much less another person.

Part of me asks, "Where is the love in your life?" I'm not talking about a girlfriend, what I'm talking about is where is the love that you have for God, yourself, and others? How are you showing that? Why aren't you showing that? And how can you show that? I have a lot of work to do in my own life. I saw that in the failures I did today. I saw that in all my mistakes.

But, I know that God is good. Even if I do go unmarried for the rest of my life. I ask myself, where am I going? What do I want to do with my life? I don't know anymore. I have a thought that if I'm not doing the right thing now, then how can I expect to do that later.

I guess the next step for me would be to make it to church tomorrow.

At work today, they announced that they were looking for managers. Some of my coworkers got some applications to apply. I didn't, because I have an idea of the crap that they receive from the upper mangament when things don't turn out as well as they'd like it to. But still, it is a great place to do a part time job and go to school.

I kind of wonder what will happen to these guys that I'm working with. Someone once said that he thinks that we are our brother's keeper. We are responsible for other people out there. Not saying that we can change people or take responsibility for them, but saying that sometimes we can do some good in their lives.

With all my failures this past year at my job, I see that I still fail daily. "What am I doing wrong?" I wonder. I think that the stress of this job gets to me and I can't deal with it in a good way that I tend to feel that it's the other's person's fault. Just bad attitudes I have and complaints that I say sometimes cause me to feel that I fail in my witness. And I do. It was only when I started this job that I started to do this. I wonder if the environments are the same everywhere I go. I got a picture of how a lot of the rest of society lives. I never really knew that many people in high school, but I heard some things at my workplace that really made me see that that's why my parents didn't want me hanging out with the wrong people.

Anyway, we're supposed to be light in the darkness and salt. We're supposed to bring Jesus to people who don't know Him. And I feel that I have not been that good of a witness.

I know that this does not come overnight. It takes quite a bit of constant effort and intention. I guess like everything, it's a struggle to overcome something. And even when we overcome it once, we need to keep wrestling so that we can overcome even harder times.

"Israel" means "Wrestles with God." To me it's a great picture of how God makes us stronger by wrestling with us, His people. I still don't understand all of the meaning of that name, but I feel that if I just sit down and not get back into the game, then how will I get stronger? I guess I've got to keep trying. Failing once does not mean that you are a failure. Even failing a thousand times does not mean that. It only becomes true when you give up. Tenacity is the key. But don't get wrong, you need to see what you're doing wrong and correct it.

In my wrestling with God, I'm finding that He's stronger than I can imagine, but He wrestles me at a strength level only a little stronger than I'm able to handle right now. I guess I wouldn't be ready if He upped the level. To some people He does really up the level. But I've seen that those who persevere in their struggles to become better people are much stronger people altogether. I really think that God has great plans for all of us. Even if we face failures, or defeats, there is something better out there.

But one thing is clear, if we wrestle with God, we need to depend on Him the most.

Back to my job situation, I guess I shouldn't give up. I know what I need to do.

Something came to mind recently. I was thinking, "what do I want in my life?" What is it that I want in my life? For the past year, it seemed like I was doing what I normally did, or was expected to do. It's not a bad thing, but I'm thinking...is this all there is? Hmm....

I know what not to do. And seeing some of my coworkers' lives, I see that they are living it up because they do not have a reason to live past death. I really don't know how to tell them about Jesus. It seems like all my attempts (which are few) have been thwarted or met with disinterest and the topic completely changed to something else. Maybe they're not ready.

I look at my life and I see that I myself am not living up to my full potential. I mean, how many of us are? I see a few people doing that, but man, what the heck are the rest of us doing? Don't get me wrong. Life is hard and will be met with a lot of disappointments. I think that the reason why some people do a whole lot better is that they know how to bounce back from the disappointments and hardships. They don't let something get them down and they get up and get right back to it. Tenacity is something that I used to have more of when I was younger. But I think age has helped me to be content with not getting everything that I want. Not saying I give up all the time, but saying that I'm not trying to be number one anymore. Is that a bad thing?

I kind of wonder, what the heck am I doing here? What am I doing on earth? What reason do I have here? When I was college, I thought about getting a job that would help people instead of getting a job that earned lots of money. My dream was to change people's lives for the better. But then I saw reality. There are so many messed up people in this world because of sin. It tears people apart and if you fall into it, then your life will go downhill. Mine did at one point before I knew Jesus. Even though I know Jesus now, I know that sin could still tear me apart if I'm not careful. How do you bring hope to people's lives? I think the answer is found in God. But how do you build relationships with people who may not want help or want to get better? How do you care for people who do not care for themselves? (I guess I'm going to extremes.) But how can anyone share Jesus with someone who does not want to know or is not interested in God.

I think the answer is found in friendships with others and the witness of your own personal life. If you are following the Bible and have a vibrant relationship with God, then I think that people will see that in you and could ask questions about why you are a certain way.

When I look at my own life, I think...man, why would anyone want to be like me? I failed in so many areas of my life. But I know that life does not end with one failure or two or even how many infinite failures I might have. I've let one failure dictate a lot of my life these past 4 years. I think that it's time to get up and get bruised again. What I mean by that is that I am going to fail again and again and again. But I can't let that take control of me. I can't let that tell me who I am.

I've said this before time and time again. Do I really want this? Or is this just talk? I guess it depends on what I'm willing to do. I still wonder...what am I doing here?

Hmm...I need to take my faith more seriously. Someone told me recently that when I go away, "what I put in is what I will get out of it." I guess that's true with anything, except relationships, in my opinion. Sometimes people will not respond. We could invest a lot in someone and receive nothing. I believe that people are free to choose their own way in life. If I invest in someone and they choose to go another way, then that's fine. I know that that's not fine for a lot of people. But, really, relationships are not fair. More true for guys because guys think that if they invest in a girl then the girl owes them something. In reality, the girl owes the guy nothing. I've learned that a lot of girls know that guys expect something back, so they don't accept stuff from guys. Which is a safe thing to do. I think that that's wise.

Anyway, why the heck am I wondering about life right now...Got to get going.

I don't know why I'm posting this, but I felt that I should post this for some reason. To be honest, I'd rather be sleeping right now. But here it goes...

God will judge the world someday. But that does not mean that He does not love the world. He loves everyone in this world and yet when they do wrong, it breaks his heart. God does not look down upon people, His heart breaks when people choose to do wrong.

For God, it seems like there are consequences for every action that we make. God gives us time to repent of our sins, until the day He comes back. Repent means turning away from something and staying away from it or not doing it anymore.

Anyway, I don't know why I even wrote all that. It's short, but maybe someone can use it. Hopefully they'll use it for good. Anyway, God's anger is not like man's anger. God's anger is meant to correct and rebuke. While man's anger is just like something waiting to explode. As so I heard from one retired pastor.

[Edit] I ended too soon I guess. What I wanted to end with is that God is this way because God is love. He wants the best for each and every person. But He leaves a lot of us to help each other to do His will. If we are the body...then why aren't His arms reaching. Why aren't His hands healing? Why aren't His words teaching? Really, we have things to do. But we must follow Him.

I am ready to leave my job. I feel like I can't stand it anymore. But I need to stay here a little bit longer because I need to earn money. I don't know anymore why God placed me there. Maybe I need to pray more for my workplace. Maybe I need to pray more about being a better witness there. Maybe I need to pray about getting enough sleep so that I can be a better witness.

Anyway, my one year mark is up and I'm ready to leave. I don't know anymore exactly what God wants me to do. I feel like I'm wandering. I'm not sure I want to pray for direction, because if I do and get a direction, I'm not sure if I would take it. I kind of want to go my own way right now.

But then I think about how much better God's way is. He sees further ahead than I do or anybody else. If I go with this new job, which I already accepted, will I do worse in the future? Maybe...It might still be a good thing, but not as great. I kind of wonder if I should stay at my old job for another year. I don't know anymore.

I feel that I should take this new job, because it would be a good thing for me to go out on my own. It would be a good thing for me to learn how to take care of myself. The only thing is, will I? Will I take care of myself and will I watch out for myself? I think that I would, but I kind of worry that I might be irresponsible if I were to go out on my own. I mean, here, I'm not very responsible with my time. What makes me think that I'll be responsible over there? There are a few things that I'm concerned about. But I think that things will be alright.

When I think about it, am I really doing well here? Would I do better somewhere else? I guess there's lots of what ifs. One person that I talked to told me that if I have a dependence on God and a good common sense to do what's right, then I should be alright. Maybe that'll be all I need. It will be a challenge, but I think that this new job will test my faith even more. I wonder...what is in store for me?

I have a feeling that I should go to Japan, because it'll be a good experience for me. I feel that this is something that God has placed before me. I feel that I should go. But then there's doubts. I wonder if God wants me to stay here. But then I think, why? What purpose would He have for me here? I guess I'll never know the future. But I feel that for my personal growth, I should go.

I have doubts about fitting into Japanese society. I am very American in my mind. I am not clear cut like a Japanese person. It's much stricter over there. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. But maybe it'll be like a boot camp for me. Hopefully I'll be able to pick myself up. That, or hopefully someone else will help me a little bit.

Well, what to say. I'll probably only get one shot at this. I don't think that I'll work in Japan after this. But I'm going for an experience. I really don't know what to say. Where will God place me? Will it work out? Or will it be very tough? Maybe both...