Well, there's only 3 weeks left of school. I'm happy to be graduating. But also sad that my time in college is now at an end. I wonder what I'll be doing in the future.

This past Sunday, I asked my Pastor to pray for me as to what God wants me to do in terms of my career and such. I still have no idea, and personally I think that I need to spend more time reading the Bible and praying to find out God's will.

Anyway, I'm sure that I'll just have to go out and look for a job somewhere. But I do have hope that there is a plan for my next step.

Also, about the last post. I have had a hard life. Easier than some people I know. But still, pretty hard. We all have hard lives, because life is hard. I deleted the post, because I felt that it could be used in the wrong way. But yeah, I was being kind of overzealous I think.

Anyway, when I see a person in need, I tend to identify with that person, because I was a person in need at one time.

Anyway, life is tough, and it's tough for everyone. No matter how easy you think someone else's life is, they've got their own struggles that you don't see. That's part of life, and getting past those struggles is part of growth.

Anyway, I'll end here.

2 weeks left


Man, it's saturday. This week has been pretty bad. After Men's Meat Night, I pretty much crashed throughout the whole week. I stayed up almost the whole night on Monday working on an outline draft for Japanese, and ended up missing all my classes on Tuesday. Well, except for work, which I'm pretty much obligated to go to.

I missed class on Friday too, being that I was so tired. And again, I was late to work and only got up because of work.

My counselor suggested that I drop my Greek and Roman Mythology class, being that I haven't done too much of the readings. I haven't gotten my midterm back because I wasn't there on Tuesday, so I don't know how I'm doing in the class.

Part of me wants to stay in the class, because I think that I can do it, do well, and get my GPA above a 3.0. (It's at a 2.97 right now). However, from the past, I always think that I can do stuff, and it turns out that I don't have enough time to do it. I'm capable, but I just need enough time.

Anyway, I would like to finish my school year strong, but being that I have all this other stuff on my back to carry, I might not finish as well as I'd like to. I guess school isn't everything, but still, I don't know if I'll even be able to get a good job if I don't work at it.

Anyway, enough about this subject.

My Judo outline has been coming along. I'm 70% done with the outline. Only 70% done with it, as opposed to being done with it last week being that it's for Japanese class and that I have trouble expressing myself in Japanese. It has been interesting though. All this information about Judo that I never really learned by taking Judo.

I knew that Judo came from Jujitsu (Actually pronounced "Jujutsu". Meaning pliable art or soft art.) It was an unarmed fighting style of the Samurai. Jigoro Kano, the creator of Judo, learned Jujutsu from Fukuda Hachinosuke, then Tsunetoshi Iikubo. Then learned other forms of Jujutsu from other schools.

Jujutsu at that time was rapidly disappearing because of the Meiji Restoration where (as the website says) the ways of the Samurai were being looked down upon in favor of new ways of the state. (I'm not totally sure about this, because I have not gathered that much information.) But, well established Jujutsu schools were having trouble because of the Meiji Restoration.

Jigoro Kano is credited with preserving Jujutsu through what is now called Kodokan Judo. He took what he considered the best forms from the different schools of Jujutsu and implemented them into something that could be used as a sport. He got rid of techniques that would cripple or permanently damage the opponent and also got rid of kicks and punches, forcing the contestants to grapple with the opponent. Kicks and punches were taught to the high ranking Judoka (people who practiced Judo) only as a way of preserving some of the techniques. (I think).

According to one website, Jigoro Kano adapted Jujutsu to the changing times of Japan by making it into a sport. However, he not only made it into a sport, but into a philosophy and a way of life also. Whereas before, Jujutsu was seen as a collection of techniques by some, Jigoro Kano made the goal of Judo to make the individual a better person and one who would benefit society.

Men's Meat Night

This past night was Men's Meat Night for AACF. I and two other people lead it.

Basically, what we did was provide the food for it and just invite people. The people that we invited were mainly the people that already went to AACF, but there were some new people that came.

Being that the day was a totally horrible day to choose (the day before Mother's day), most people didn't come. It was fun, but still, I think that if I had chose a better date, more people would have come. oh well...next time, I've got to look at a calendar before I choose the date.

We played x-box on two x-boxes, mainly Halo. We also played the Typing of the Dead, which is House of the dead (a shooting game) made into a typing game.

Some guy kept on trying to hack into my computer all throughout that time, but I don't think that he got in. Thank goodness for firewalls. =)

Overall, I think that the night went pretty well. I just wish that more connections were made with the new people that did come. They didn't stay too long. One had another barbecue to go to, and the other two, I don't know if they had another engagement to go to, but I'm not worrying about it.

The main point was to bond the guys in AACF already, and to invite new people and get them plugged into AACF too. The latter part seems unlikely, being that we played video games most of the time and didn't talk, but the former was a good one that happened.

Mother's day is tomorrow, and I have a whole bunch of school work to do. I guess I'm not worried about it, as I usually am. However, I always tend to stay up late on Sunday nights into the late evening. Sometimes I don't get it done, because I have to go to sleep.

The night was worth it though. Even though I don't really bond that well with people in general, I think that it went better than I expected.

We went over budget by a little bit, but that's okay. Anyway, thanks AACF core for putting up with me and my ranting and irritations. I guess I do tend to worry too much.

I sometimes wonder exactly what the lessons out of tonight are. I need to reflect about this.

About the earlier posts, and bible quotes, I don't know when I'll be able to get to them. I have a lot of work to do.

I have a lot to be sad about; a lot to be angry about. But I think that the best thing I can do is just write about it and think about it.

The same cycle has been happening all throughout my college career. I get way too busy, I don't have enough time to study, I do poorly in class, and I get angry at myself for doing this. This cycle has been happening my whole college career. I thought that I was putting God first by going to events and doing other things in ministry.

But, I've learned that God can use your school work and your hard work for His kingdom also. Knowing this, I've worked a lot more on my school work and less time in ministry. But still, I'm just so busy that I can't even get enough time to study right. All my free time either has to be used for studying or doing something else. As of right now, I'm so tired that I took a break from studying and decided to write down my thoughts.

I guess I tend to blame God for the things that go wrong in my life. Things come to my mind like, "Why can't I do well?" "Why do I always let down my parents and my teachers?" "Why do I always let myself down?" I know that the answer is simple, and is that if I spent more time studying, I would do better. But, given how slow of a worker I am, and how classes get harder, and how much more busier I become, it isn't likely that I'll do well. I've come to that conclusion, because I've just had so busy of a schedule.

Why am I so busy? Like any relationship, a relationship with God takes time. It's like being a relationship with someone else, except that it's more of a parent child relationship. I do my devotions, I go to fellowship, I go to church. It's not that much longer, but when you add in other things like work, school, sleep, it adds up.

Anyway, I'm just complaining right now. Really, maybe the thing that I need to do is actually pray for time management and just work at it. This is my last quarter, and as of right now, I know that I did not do well on my first midterm.

Well...I guess this is the never ending vicious cycle that is my life. I think that I have to cut soccer and maybe AACF until I can get myself back on my feet. I'm thinking if I'll be able to get a job or not. And frankly, it doesn't look very good right now.

Oh well. I'll find a job of some kind. Yet I don't think that I'll earn that much money. But hey, there's more to life than money.

I do consider my life better ever since I met God though. Don't get me wrong about that. Despite how bad I'm doing in terms of school, I've been doing better in my personal life. I'm not doing too bad in school either. I'm at a 3.0 average, which is not great I admit, but still I could do a lot better.

My life, has been good. It's not perfect. But life has been really great since I met God. (I didn't actually meet Him in person, but through church and prayer and the Bible, I've come to know Him to some degree.) Life is actually bearable through the tough times and He's always there for me. Knowing God has let me vent to Him and find healing in times of hurt, find joy (though not lately), and just realize that my life is worth something. The more time I spend in fellowship and with other believers, the more joy I have. The more I spend it serving others, the fuller I become.

However, getting my HW done is also good too. Therefore, I need to stop writing this now, and get to work. It's been a good break, but really, I need to get my work done

In the last post, I was pretty angry that I didn't get my work done. Sorry guys for venting.

Anyway, things are going a little bit better. I'm getting some stuff done, and last night was the last night for our church fellowship. So I only will go to AACF now. It was kind of sad to see that this was the last time we're going to meet, but I felt that our fellowship leader was moving on and needed to find where God was leading him and his fiance.

It's pretty cool to see that people are moving forward in life and not stuck in the same old place. It kind of gives me some hope of getting married someday heh. (I'm not implying anything, but just that I feel like I need to grow more in my walk right now.) Definately they are a great couple and will create some great kids. But, like always, things change and I must move on also.

Right now, I looked at some job posts at one company close to where I live. As of right now, I can't get a job there doing Japanese work without going to Japan. One, I really need to go to Japan if I'm to get any job related to my major, Japanese Linguistics. All this time that I was in college, I kind of felt like I had a love for Japan despite the feelings of guilt that I caused myself in terms of not keeping in touch with some people, and just doing some stupid things. Also, I've seen that time heals wounds, not always, but sometimes. So, with that, I'm still debating on whether or not to go to Japan and teach English.

Anyway, things are going well right now. Despite being behind in school, I'm doing fine.

I've got to study right now. But I just thought that I'd update you as to what's been going on for a short period of my life.

After spending the whole day after church working on HW that was assigned about 2 weeks ago I've come to the conclusion that I need to do less and work more on my homework. Something has got to give, and I'm not going to fail this quarter. Despite how my roommates feel that I should go to AACF every week, there's no way in heck that I'm going to be able to finish my school work and go to AACF every week. With the amount of stuff that I joined this quarter, I'm surprised that I even got this much of my school work done.

Don't get me wrong. I am one busy guy. Work, school (4 classes), going to 2 fellowships, church on sunday, soccer practice, AACF, Apartment dinner on one night, and on top of that HW which is not getting done. Something has to give. I am not able to do all these things and get my homework done at the same time. So, with that conclusion, I'm going to skip out of fellowship and only go to one and skip out on soccer practice and soccer games. I've already lowered my work schedule down to the bare minimum, and also, I just need to stop talking to people and just focus on my HW. This is my last quarter, so I don't want to fail this quarter like I did almost all of my other quarters.

This has got to end, and I'm sorry that I cannot be part of everything, but something has to give. I'm going to say "no" now.

Sorry that I haven't posted for awhile. I've gotten really busy lately. I'll also get back to you on the verses from the last posts.

So much has happened. Planning for Men's Meat night is coming along. Two other guys and me are planning it. I'm just praying that it will be a time where people can get connected to other people and build relationships afterwards.

Also, I've joined an intramural soccer team. I've never played soccer on a team before, so it will be a new experience. I have a feeling that I'm going to get hurt somehow, but it could be nothing.

At fellowship tonight, it was encouraging to hear the testimony of a gal's life. How she came to know Christ and what she went through. Teasing by kids because she is asian. Teasing by her friends. People telling her that she's ugly. I can relate to the betrayal and hurt that she went through.

She told us how she came to know Christ. At first, she scoffed at Him. But the night that she was going to kill herself, she decided to trust in Him instead.

She told us that being a Christian is not about experiencing joy all the time, but suffering what Christ suffered. He thought that we were worth dying for and going through all that He did. Do we as Christians believe the same? We should. To suffer the same pains that Christ did, from those whom you're trying to love. To see worth in people who don't see worth in you.

She challenged us to really see those around us as worth suffering for. Christ came and suffered many things for us. He chose to go through them and He forgave us all. How then can we not follow His example?

Hope. Something that I've been waning in. But, hope is something that has kept me going.

Hope
This world has little hope in it. So many messed up things are happening in this world. But, there is hope. If you look hard enough, there are people who go through tough things, but still have hope.

Some things really hit home. For the past two months, our pastors have been giving us messages to step outside of our boxes, go, and reach out to someone we don't know very well.

Two months, they've been preaching that, and I have really only just thought about it recently. The two most important commandments that God tells us through Jesus is:

1. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.
2. Love your neighbor as yourself. Matthew 22:36-40

I'm tired, but I realize that there's two paths I could take. One, a wide, broad path. The other, a narrow, rough path. Which to choose. I know the right answer. Do you? Yeah, I know the answer, but the real question I'm asking is, am I following it? Or am I walking a broad path knowing that I should be on the other one. When I find the verses, I'll post them up for this last quote.

One last thing, be cautious and protect yourself, because this world is not a nice place. I'll give you the quote for that later too.

I found that verse that I was talking about in the last blog. It is found here. Anyway, back to studying for finals.

Rethinking things

Sometimes I just wonder what will happen in the future. Things look so uncertain right now and I wonder if I'll go on a mission any time soon. It might not be until a couple years down the line. I might not even go to Japan for missions this fall.
When your relationship with God is not going well, how can you minister to other people? I don't know why it's not going well, but for some reason, I just wonder if i'm not doing something right. Maybe I'm not really taking chances and denying feeling comfortable. The verse comes to mind, "The one who seeks to save his life will lose it, the one who loses it for my sake (Jesus') will find it." I forget where it is, but I think it's in Luke somewhere. Anyway, for those not familiar with the bible, my interpretation of this is that Jesus is not telling us to die or forfeit your life, but rather he's telling us to live for Him (Jesus). It's kind of confusing, but basically, part of being a Christian is denying living for oneself and living for God.

Anyway, I feel like I need a vacation right now...heh. Maybe missions isn't right for me right now. I don't know.

I still have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do. And it's true for not just me, but everyone.

Anyway, regardless of what happens, I would like to serve on some kind of ministry with other believers. Maybe now's not the right timing...but I think, when will be?

The other option instead of going to Japan would be trying to find an entry level job somewhere. I really don't care right now what type of job I do...but I would like to at least do something that will last years after I'm gone. Oh well...maybe I should ask God instead of writing all this on the internet. hehe...Yeah, that would be better.

An end before the beginning?

After all that talk about missions to South America, I've decided not to go for now. As of right now, my relationship with God is not going good. I feel like maybe I blew it for this summer. Everything you do in a ministry context should be based upon God. Without the foundation, it's hard to build something.

Anyway, just lots of frustration right now as I just gave up before I even tried.

The questions on the form for the mission asked questions like, "How are your devotions?", "How do you think God is calling you to a cross cultural ministry?", "What books have you read recently?" Stuff like that which I don't have a good answer to. I feel really unprepared to go on a mission, plus I feel like would I serve any purpose there?

Anyway, the reason why I'm frustrated is that I might not ever be able to go on a mission to Brazil or any other place. I guess I just didn't want to stress out about what might lie ahead.

Plus, I'm just tired of a lot of things in my life. I need to stand up for something and not just always take in things from other people.

Things are going to change, because I'm going to change them in my life. People tell me sometimes that you need to let God change you. But, they omit what I must do to let God change me. I believe that God gave us free will to choose what we do each day. Whether we spend it well or spend it foolishly is our choice. It determines where we go and where we end up. Whether we choose to follow God today, or choose to go our own way. It's one's own choice.

Most of my life, I've been a spectator in life. A quote from my dad from his dad was, "Little kids should be seen and not heard." I can't blame my dad or my grandfather for this. I can't blame anyone for why I've been a spectator most of my life. I was raised one way, but now I have control of some parts of my life.

Anyway, the main point I don't want to waste my life anymore. I've got to take chances again, like I did before I met that one guy. Really, I'm going to do what I want to do, and not what everyone else tells me I should do. Thinking for myself, speaking for myself, responding for myself. This stage I've reached before, but have fallen down.

Today, was the last day of class for one of my Japanese classes. I came late as usual on Wednesdays. Terrible, I know.

The teacher didn't pass out class evaluations yet. I got there just a little before it.

The teacher passed them out and left, and someone made a bad comment. I didn't stand up for fear of getting shot down. However, two people did, and I really see their maturity.

It makes me wonder...if I don't stand up for what I believe in now...when will I? I'm sure that God applauded the two that stood up.

Anyway, just thought that I'd write that down before I forget.

I guess I have nothing but complaints off the top of my head right now. School is almost over for me and I could have done way better than I did. Bad use of my time, plus going to events when I didn't finish my hw. Plus my parents are getting on my case right now to do better as they probably feel that I'm wasting my time here staying an extra year.

Yeah, I stayed an extra year for personal reasons even though I didn't do so well in school...to raise my GPA and to get some extra things learned before I go off forever into the working world. Seems like nothing has changed though.

Anyway, I can honestly say that I haven't wasted my time here in college. I became a Christian here and have experienced a lot of good things and met a lot of good people. Even though my grades did pay for it I have grown a lot because of my experience here. Still, I am wasting my time here if I don't learn anything.

Anyway, just my one complaint of the day...nothing special.

We do not get everything we want in life...but hard work does pay off. And even when we work hard, we do not always get what we want. In my opinion, we always have one or more choices to make that determine where we go. We do not always know where we're headed, but that's life, what's ahead is unknown, but we're headed somewhere.

Looking back on things, I can see the clear path of what choices I made that determined where I am now. Sometimes things that I said that I'd change, haven't changed at all...and some things that I have changed have made me a better person.

We're only given so much time in life, and really, not everything matters in the bigger picture. Is not life more than food, or the clothes that we wear? (Taken a quote out of St. Matthew) The passage of Matthew 6:25-34 was the first passage that I truly ever remembered from the Bible. Check it out here. It was before I became a Christian. But it got me questioning some of the things about Christianity, because how could it say this? Anyway, reading Philip Yancey's "Reaching for an Invisible God" has helped me with some of these questions.

I learned that we expect faith in God to be something easy or full of joy all the time, or sometimes what we expect things ought to be...and when we don't experience it, we think that there's something wrong. I think that everyone who is a Christian has struggled with faith in God at some point or another. Anyway, I've gone off on another tangent. hehe. But yeah, my main point was, I've taken this journey with God for about 4 years now, and I haven't done as well as I'd like to have done, and things aren't turning out as well as I'd like them to.

But...who's fault is that? God's? No. They're mine. After all this time, people have been trying to tell me what faith is about. Don't get me wrong...it's not about doing things for God and getting bad grades...if you had been doing things for God, you would see that you can serve God through getting a good education and doing well. I think what I'm trying to say is that I've misinterpretted things based on a rudimentary knowledge of the Bible. Yeah, it's true that God provides for the birds of the air, yet our choices can destroy God's creations or help God's creations.

Our choices make a difference in how this world runs...how our lives run...where we go...what happens to others sometimes...

I've made some bad choices in the past...but I don't regret where I am now. God has been so good to me in that I am better off with Him, than without Him. Better off than before I mean. What I'm saying is, make good choices in your life. you'll be better off in the long run.

Despite what I said in the last paragraph...even if you follow God, try to make good choices, because they will affect you and others.

Sometimes you want to complain about life, but really, the internet is not always the best place to do it. Anyway, lots of stress is building on my shoulders.

That could be why I missed church today and got 13 hours of sleep. I just kept on going back to sleep. I don't feel like getting out of bed anymore, because of all the early classes that I have to take. Really, the sooner this quarter ends, the better.

On another note, one of my friends at church doesn't even have enough money to eat. It's a good thing Evan suggested that we give him some food. I consider myself really lucky compared to one of my friends who doesn't even have enough money to eat. I complain about how cold it is in the apartment, but really, it's better than having no roof over one's head. Man, I wonder if the people before me did the same thing with using no heat...

Anyway, one positive thing that I kept thinking about this weekend was an email sent by JC to some people who were old timers, including me. He basically invited us to come to the worship night at AACF, because he and G Sak, Jon G, and Abe were giving some testimonies as to what AACF has meant to them. As some of you know, the Passion of Christ came out this past wednesday...dude, it looks pretty good, but painful.

Here's some of the email:

(JC's invitation for AACF's praise night)

Stone: Thanks. I'll go to our conference room and die now.

Reg: Passion of the Stone?...heh

Josh: you mean,
passing of the stone...?

hahahahhaah

Aquaman lives again!

Me: > Ouch, PAINFUL!!! If you've seen the movie of Gar C, you'll know
> what I mean. heh...sorry ladies

Stone: It pleases me to see that three years later, you are all still dorks.

Sorry Garrett for that comment there, but the Painful movie that you and Chong made was funny though. Oh the little things in life that give us joy!

The day is gone

Last night, I went to fellowship and came home at 3:30am. We were playing Star Wars Epic Duels after we finished up doing what was planned. All in all, it was a good night, but I paid for it today. After my parents picked me up at 11, I came home and slept till 5pm.

Man, the missions form is/was due today and I have yet to give my reference forms to the people that I have yet to ask. Plus the questions they ask kind of worry me, as my relationship with God is struggling right now. Spending time with God has become very hard because every time that I try to do that...I fall asleep. Overall, things are not looking good.

Even though things look pretty bad right now, I am still going to turn in the missions form just to see what will happen. Maybe it's not my time to go on a mission...but then again, I can't ignore what I think God is calling me to do. This journey I started 4 years ago has been crazy in some areas I took chances and risks in. But, they've all been good.

I personally think that I'm not going to be around for a long time. I don't know why exactly, but I think that maybe my future will be short for some reason. Anyway, it's only a thought, and it makes me think what I'm doing now.

I listened to a sermon by Tony Campolo from his website. Something that I've been afraid of, he spoke about. (yes, I do talk like Yoda from time to time.) But yeah, he talked about really living LIFE. A message that I heard from another guy named Brandt Luke at a retreat in 2000. Really living...I mean, really LIVING with joy and excitement, I've only experienced for a short time after I became a Christian. The school year after I became a Christian was just tough and I stopped living for awhile.

I do feel like I'm not really living life to the fullest...I'm just so busy all the time. But, one thing that stuck out to me from his sermon was that people who do not take any risks never get married and never have any friends. Playing it safe is not a way to live life. However, don't get me wrong with mistaking risks for some stupid risk. There's a difference between choosing something good and something that's just not smart to do, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I've gone on a lot of tangents right now, but the main thing is that I need to turn in my missions form as soon as possible and talk to the people that I've chosen as references.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I was thinking of going to South America for mission this summer and then to Japan? I'm not sure if this is what I should be doing, but I think that this is what I should be doing. Japan, however, I'm not so sure as to if this is what I should be doing, but we'll see what will happen. God will confirm it somehow if I should go or not...but as of right now, I'm going to pray a lot more.

kyo no kurasu (today's class)

Last night, I stayed up late working on my HW for class today. I was happy that I got it done, but not so happy that I didn't read the assignment for today. Anyway, luckily the whole class didn't read the assignment either, so we just paired up and read it on our own in class instead of reading it together as a big group. (Our class assignments have vocab. lists so we can look up the words that we don't know on those.)

The teacher is a pretty nice teacher in terms of how she grades and who she calls on to give an answer. I must admit that I misjudged her at the beginning of the school year where if we didn't do the Homework we were put in a corner behind the TV so we couldn't copy the answers. That kind of made me angry, but it was a good lesson that I need to really do my Homework and not rely on coasting by.

So, I think that she made me into a better student by that method of putting me and the other students behind the TV. I still, however haven't received my midterm yet...I think that I did kind of bad because I couldn't copy the answers from class...so that is one reason why I've picked up my HW studies.

Anyway, I think that I did pretty well in class today, despite how poor I am in Japanese compared to everyone else.

Still thinking of going to Japan. I wrote a lot in the entry before, but I figure that it was mostly me babbling. Anyway to make this concise, I am still praying about going to Japan to teach English.

One thing that Japanese people get confused with Christianity is that they think that America is a Christian nation. And that everyone here is Christian. It is true that most people consider themselves Christian. 84% said they were Christian in a poll or something like that. However, that was a poll, and the truth of the fact is that the majority of people in America are not Christian. The point is that Japanese people often get Christianity confused as a western thing. Jesus is not a western thing, but something for everyone. I really believe that, because God has been so good to me. Jesus has done a lot in my life.

Anyway, I'm still trying to digest the information that I learned at this conference. I'm not sure if I should go to Japan, but I think that I should at least try and not be caught finding that the position has already been filled.

One of my friends has been praying for direction in my life, and I'm very thankful for that. Even though this is going against my own will, I'm thinking that maybe this is what God wants me to do.

It's been a long day. I can only say that Sundays are sometimes really good, or sometimes really long. As of right now, I just want to vegge out. But it was a good sunday, and I'm still thinking about today.

Today, Pastor Kerry talked about stepping out of our circles of comfort and taking a step out of our comfort zones. He talked about how we must listen to God more than men. Peter and some other apostle were told not to teach the people about Jesus, but they said that they must obey God more than men. Check it out in Acts 5:17-42.

Anyway, he talked about how our friends or even governments might tell us not to tell people about Jesus and that we might face troubles because of obeying God and not people.

He also taught us that God uses ordinary people to do great works. People who are not perfect. In the Bible there are many examples of people who have failed in some way or another. People then are no different from people today in many respects.

Anyway, the main point that he was giving to us was that we are supposed to be reaching out to this world and forgetting the rules of this world that confine us to be for ourselves. Anyway, I'd say that this has gotten me thinking about today.

Anyway, today, one of my friends sort of got me to do something that I really didn't want to do. Drive. It was kind of inconvenient to do all these things at a certain time, and I was getting annoyed at it. Plus I think that my friend's friends didn't really like me all that much. But I guess I can't help that.

But it got me thinking about what love is all about. Despite how inconvenient some things are, sometimes you go out of your way to do something for someone else. I must admit that I am very low on that and I was kind of grumbling...but maybe this is something that was used to teach me about love.

Anyway, I felt kind of bad, because I couldn't drop them off exactly where they needed to be, but I think that it was good enough. But man, I think that I'm learning that I really don't like people telling me what to do, instead of them asking me if I'd be willing to do it. It's kind of like not giving a person a chance to say no to something.

I have a lot to work on still. I guess the way you grow is to actually be taken out of your comfort zone. Saying that doing things that seem hard or are hard will make one stronger. Being stretched to become bigger.

Down time

Had a lot of time planned to study in the library today, but ended up sleeping for the whole time there. About 4 hours sitting in a chair. Not what I planned, but maybe what I needed and not needed. The reason why I went to the library in the first place is that I have two midterms on monday, an interview on Tuesday for Japanese, and a midterm on Thursday for that class. This weekend is going to be a rough weekend in general. But hey, that's what I'm here for.

I guess if I had planned a little bit better, I could have hung out with my friends tonight.

One thing that I've been thinking about a lot lately is that I might not be so sure about going to Japan. I'm not sure if this is something that God has planned for me or not. Anyway, more praying is necessary to determine what God is trying to say to me.

Anyway, don't get me wrong, I don't hear God's voice talking to me. But the direction that I think that He wants me to take is something that I have to be aware of before I take it. Anyway, my time here at school is really telling me that maybe I'm not cut out for missions if I can't even really reach out to people here. I mean, it's not a problem to talk to people, but fear is overcoming me and I'm pretty sure that it will overcome me still if I don't deal with it now.

Things aren't so clear right now. But they will be...hopefully.

Home for a day

Man, how good it feels to sleep in my own bed. The bed I have at school is my own, but not as good as the one at home. It kind of makes me wonder if I do go to Japan what it would be like living there for 2 years.

Yeah, 2 years...I talked to my teacher today and he said that it is a 2 year commitment and available only when someone else leaves. Plus they might not be hiring anyway. Oh well, if I do go, at least I'll be at a church somewhere teaching kids English and learning Japanese too.

It will be a good experience, but I wonder if this is the right thing to do. Anyway, nothing is set in stone right now.

I still need to pray for the direction that God wants me to move.

Another thing pops into my mind, but part of me wonders if I'd be going for my personal benefit or if this is something that I could possibly do in the future. Whatever it is, it is something that I thought would be rewarding, but recently things have shown me that maybe this isn't the next step, but maybe a step further down the road. Anyway, I'm sure that nobody knows what I'm talking about right now, because I haven't told anyone about this...

Anyway, the next step must be centered around God and what He thinks is best for me. What choices I make today affect my life tomorrow.

Anyway, other events that happened was our postponed Christmas party. It was pretty cool. Lots of food, a White elephant gift exchange, and a Translation quiz of Christmas titles. Didn't get to play Star Wars Epic Duels as I'd hoped, but did come home with a full stomach. =)

Oh yeah, I highly recommend Star Wars Epic Duels to anyone. It is kind of like Chess with Star Wars Characters. A mix of a board game with character figures and cards. Check out Ebay for it as they do not sell it anymore. :( However, they do sell Transformers Armada, which is basically the same thing with Transformers Chracters and cards. You can buy that one at Toys R Us or any toy store.

Anyway, that's enough pollution for today. heh