Home again

California was great. I spent a lot of time with my relatives. To be honest, I wasn't looking forward to going, but when I got there, everything changed. My family there took good care of me and my brother.

I didn't meet any of my friends down there, but I guess I didn't keep in touch with any of them, so that's understandable. I wonder what they're doing now.

Anyway, I'm back home safe and sound.

Thinking...about the past

My old roommate would tell me not to think. Not because I think too much, but because he thought that I am stupid. (Actually, I think that he just liked making fun of me.)

There was a time when I used to care what everyone thought about me. I was not a happy person. But now, I try not to care what other people think about me. Or about another person's opinion that I disagree with. I try to care enough about the person that I will try to talk to them if I think they are wrong, but usually I stay silent because I am not good with words. I find that sometimes I'd rather say nothing at all because I do in fact care too much about what other people think.

It's up and down with me. It's not consistent in how I act. But I figure on some days, "Why not?" On some other days, "I'd rather not." The former because life is really short. The latter, because I just don't feel like it.

I guess the reason why I write these things is for my own personal sanity. Sometimes you've got to think about the wrongs in your past and correct your own thinking with what is right. I know that I'm not stupid. I know that my roommate doesn't know me all that well. I know that I have my strengths and my weaknesses and I am unique. Everyone is unique. No one else is the same out there...unless you're a clone...then, I don't know what to tell you. But still, you'd still be unique in my book.

People can say anything. People will hurt you sometimes. But a person has to bounce back and not let things bother them. A person has to be grounded on what he/she knows to be true. That's how I get through each day. I counter the things that I know to be not true with things I know that are true.

Anyway, enough preaching by me. But yeah, I do feel a certain way now. I won't go into details, but yeah, I have a lot of work to do.

California Dreamin'

I'm visiting my family down here in California. We went to Disneyland California Adventure Tuesday and hit Magic Mountain today. Since school was in session, the lines were super short! I was on the rides in 5 minutes for some. Goliath, at Magic mountain took me only the long walk to get on. It was great. The park was almost empty compared to the busy season of summer.

My favorite part of this trip was not so much the things we did, but the time that we spent together as a family. We played DDR, Madden, NFL2K5 (aka ESPN football), hung out and ate meals together. It has been good to touch base with them again.

I will miss my time here. For not wanting to go, I'm glad that I did. It seems like I can just leave things like my job situation and other concerns aside for now. A much needed break in the daily routine.

Direction

I'm not sure why, but it doesn't seem like I'm going to go to Japan any time soon. I guess I have to find a job here in the states.

I know that my Japanese isn't very good right now, and I should improve it before I go to Japan. I still think that I should go to Japan as an English teacher, but now doesn't seem like the right timing. I don't think that I'll go soon, because complications have come up.

I can see why I wouldn't go to Japan right now. Things just aren't worked out. But still, I'm thinking that within a year, I might be able to go. That's my goal. However unlikely it seems now.

The reason why I wanted to go to Japan after college was that I felt that my Japanese skills could improve a lot. I felt that I would come back to the states after a year or so and get a job using Japanese.

It seems now that my plans that I've set in my heart will not come to pass. One of my friends told me that going to Japan isn't something that you should lightly decide to do. I guess I feel like I really don't want to go to Japan right now. There's still more growth that I need in my life.

Maybe two or three years down the road, I might go. But now, I'm not sure.

It's a pattern throughout my life. I start something late, and I follow through with it later. For example, I started Judo my Junior year of high school. I was asked to go to Japan for an exchange, but complications made me go a year later, the summer after I graduated. Usually you're not supposed to go your senior year, but they made an exception for me.

Yeah, I was angry my Junior year, but God worked out the trip my senior year for His glory. I became Christian partly because of my trip to Japan and the timing of how things worked out. It's unbelievable how things were laid out step by step.

Despite how things look now, I'm sure that God has plans for my life. Despite the plans that I set in my heart, God will determine my steps. Things don't turn out the way you want them to all the time, but we have only so much control in our lives and other people's lives. Really, we're not in control, because so many things could happen that we don't foresee. (Not saying that you have no control over your life, but saying that you only have so much control. The world is too huge for us to control.)

Anyway, I've got to make use of my time here in the states and find a job. I've got to practice Japanese in my spare time. I've got to grow into maturity. I really don't have to do any of these things, but I want to follow through with these plans despite how late I am.

I know that things will be alright with whatever happens. Because no matter what happens, God will always be there.

Reading through "Reaching for the Invisible God" has reminded me to spend time with Him today. Man, it seems like I have so little time now that I am out of school. I've got to choose carefully how I spend my time.

Some last minute thoughts

I made some mistakes today and in the past. I make mistakes. I'm human. I'm not perfect. But, the important thing is to learn from them and not make the same mistakes over again. The reason why I can't sleep right now, is that I keep on rethinking the mistake that I made today.

Anyway, one of the mistakes that I'll mention is I gave a little bit of money to a person on the street, and I wasn't thinking, and gave on impulse. She made me feel sorry for her so I gave her $5 to get food and a bus fare home. I really think that she was lying to me after I saw her walk away with a big smile on her face. She walked to the next person behind me to beg for money.

Lesson, you've got to really think what a person's motive is when they're asking you for something. My brother tells me that I'm too good natured and that people take advantage of me because they can.

I'm slowly learning and I have shut some people down. I've got to learn how to be shrewd though, yet innocent of any wrong.

Right now, I'm not going to give anybody any money who asks me, because I don't know what they're going to do with it, and basically people need to find a job rather than beg.

Food I'll help them attain, and groceries. But money is a tool that can be used for evil.

Man, I felt really stupid. And I know that some of you might be thinking that I'm stupid. But know this, I know who I am and my weaknesses and strong points. I am not stupid. And I don't care if anybody thinks that I'm stupid. What matters to me is learning from these mistakes and becoming wiser. I write this down so that other people may know that giving money will not help a person, but rather could hurt the person you gave money to. Or it could hurt another person.

I was pissed off right after I gave her the money, because I knew that she had tricked me. Bad things can happen when you act on impulse. Sometimes good things happen, but really, I need to slow down, and think about things before I act.

First Time Staffing; an experience I'll always remember

Camp was great for many reasons. The kids were all awesome, the crew that we had worked well together, (God provided people to serve in the crew last minute), and through prayer from many people, things worked well for the kids.

I don't know how many people prayed, but I know that the staff at camp prayed for us everyday.

It was a miracle in itself seeing that the kids had a good time. One of our crew members is a 1st grade teacher who did very well with the kids. Without her, I think that I would have freaked out, because she knew how to keep the kids under control and keep their attention. All of us, except CA and the first grade teacher, were newbies.

First day
The first day, I wasn't sure what to expect. I came with CN and it was very lucky that I asked C if I should bring my sleeping bag. He said, "yeah." The form that I signed up with was a guest form, and not a staff form, so I chose the best lodging, because I thought that that is what everyone else would choose.

Apparently there was another form which I was supposed to get from the leader of the group to sign up for staff housing. I'm not going to complain too much, but really, someone should have told me or wrote on the form which housing was for which housing. Part of the blame lies on me for not asking any questions though. It's really no big deal, but things had to be set straight as to where we were to stay when we got to camp.

I'm glad that I stayed with the two other guys, because we had some great conversations about what happened during the day and just random things. CA and CN are very funny. I really should spend more time with them, but I know that they're really busy. Anyway, I guess it doesn't hurt to email or call them once in awhile.

The first night of camp, we played a name game. We tossed a ball to another person and said their name. It was going pretty good.

However, before we started, two girls just hugged each other and cried. I think that they haven't started school yet, and haven't learned to be away from their parents. I didn't know what to do, and neither did my friend. But luckily the first grade teacher was there and she came and stood by them, while me and the other guy went to join the group.

I was stressed out to tell you the truth. I thought that I didn't know how to act around kids, and that I would ruin some of their lives. But this camp showed me that there is more to things than what we think.

Day 2
I wasn't really looking forward to day 2. The first night went by kind of slowly and the morning went by even more slowly. It lasted 3 hours and it was a challenge to find things to keep the kids interested. Luckily the teacher found things to keep the kids interested. It showed me that worrying doesn't help any, but finding something that is helpful will be very useful.

However, things went well for the second day, and I was surprised that the kids responded to me. Just by being there, they responded. I'm not a talker.

I really don't know why the kids liked me, but I know that they did. Maybe not all of them, but I think that nobody held a grudge against me.

Day 3
Saturday mornings I usually sleep in from a long night of playing video games after work is done on Friday. I slept in and missed breakfast, and I went straight to the classroom after I got ready. I was giving the lesson for that session.

I struggled with it, and I could see that the kids weren't interested. I said, "I know that this isn't the most fun thing in the world." And after I repeated that a little later a kid said, "You said that already..." Basically my message was about a servant heart. Because Jesus loves us, he serves us and how we should love one another and serve one another.

The craft probably wasn't the most fun thing, but I think that some kids will learn some good things from it. I had doubts about my abilities and about the craft.

CN was very supportive of me throughout the whole camp and afterwards. On the car, I was doubting that I am this and that. He told me "you shouldn't sell yourself short by thinking that you can't do these things." I can see why he does well and part of why he is such a great guy.

"You'd be surprised what a person can do," as one of the people I met at school said. He was in the army before. He was talking about what a person is able to do with what seems really tough to do.

I surprised myself. But, the credit for what I did does not belong to me. God worked in the people and He put this together so well. I was very nervous about interacting with kids, but I learned to love them. That I believe, was not given by my own doing, but through Him who loves me and them.

Day 4
That was today. I was kind of looking forward to the end of camp, but not looking forward to it. I was having such a good time and I felt so happy to be with other believers. The kids were the greatest. They all are unique and they all have their own personalities. Each one of them is a miracle in itself. Each one of them will become someone great. The parents are all godly parents, and it shows in the kids.

I had trouble with two kids today. Both were siblings and they kept on messing with each other's stuff. I am lucky to have other people there to help me to control the situation and to help them to understand that they're not doing their work.

The teacher said, "after all this time, I'm disappointed in how little you both have got done." Both were goofing around and had a hard time paying attention or keeping focus. I was getting a little bit angry, but I didn't blow up. I had to ask the younger one if if I should separate them. The younger one shook his head. I think that I was a little harsh in what I said afterwards, but hopefully the younger one will not carry any scars.

I was stressed out again. But I had fun and I know that the kids had fun too.

Teamwork
CN was very thankful for each person that came. It wouldn't have gone so well if it weren't for each person. 3 guys, 3 gals. I am glad that it is done, but I was so happy throughout all of camp. It was a very rewarding experience to work with these people and the kids. It was a positive experience, and I learned that children are really great.

What to say Lord, it's you who gave me life...
I had fun. It was refreshing to get to know the members better. I am glad that I went. I guess what I learned is, you need to have a faith like a child in how you trust God, forgiving other people as He forgave me, and by being obedient to Him.

The last one I struggle with the most, because I think that God wants me to do something sometimes, and I really don't want to do it. Sometimes when I'd obey and I wouldn't even know why or if He told me to actually do that. It made no sense at all. So, I'm reluctant to do things that I think that God wants me to do.

But I guess, if I'm to follow after Him, I need to find where He wants me and go there. I went this past weekend and found something that I've lacked a lot. Time with God and time with believers. Time in ministry serving others who are not believers.

It was positive, and I'm very thankful that I went. However, I would still have to pray about it again, if I were to go again. Fear comes to mind...of what? The same things that I was afraid of to begin with. But, what can I say, wherever He is telling me to go, I need to go.

Japan?
I'm not sure if God is calling me to Japan. I'm having doubts and fears. It's so easy to fall in Japan. I don't know if this is the right timing, because of a report I heard from one of my friends about how things actually are there. Discrimination is more common I think in Japan. I don't know, but if I go to Japan, I would like to go through a missionary program. I wouldn't want to go to through a secular program because of all the junk that I've been reading. Who knows...if I don't go now, will I ever go? Not sure.

I really don't want to go to Japan. Maybe that's a sign that I shouldn't go. But if I don't go, then what? What am I going to do with my life? Maybe I need to take another step of faith and go. Still, I need to meditate more about this.

Skeletons in the closet

So about now, you've seen probably some of the bad points about me. Yeah, I have a lot of work to do on myself.

I am not perfect and have to work to become a better person. But, I've come a long way from where I used to be.

Anyway, I really don't care what anybody thinks of me. I know who I am.

About the last two posts that I deleted, I was thinking irrationally and have thought these things through now. I shouldn't get angry or jealous over what other people have, and I should try to be happy for the great things that they have. Even though I do get angry and jealous, people have the right to be happy and shouldn't really focus on me, but on what is more important.

Regardless of what I think, everyone should do what is best for themselves. That is why I say that I have a lot of work to do on myself, because I have to become more secure in who I am and who I know I am. People need to do what's best for them regardless of what anybody else thinks.

However, don't get me wrong in that sometimes what your friends and family say may actually be good advice. Not all the time. But the people who do care for you will speak up and tell you what they think about what you're doing and what they think is best.

Anyway, think what you want, this is only my opinion.

rethinking Japan

Not sure if Japan is right right now. Maybe someday, but I'm not sure if I'll go until I can go with the right program. There's one in particular that I'm interested in. But, it's not possible right now. I'm still chewing on what is best for me.

Apologies again

Anyway, I'm sorry again for the past two posts that I deleted. I shouldn't have said most of that and I will be held accountable for every word that I said. Anyway, sorry again.

Sometimes you've got to wonder

I think a lot. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I should just go and do something besides thinking, but it has become a habit of mine to just think and ponder about things.

I think about the past and the present, and what will happen in the future. It's good to think, but sometimes I wonder why I continue to think about what is gone, what could happen, what just happened.

I think the happiest I've been is when I just did stuff. I wouldn't recommend that all the time, because it could lead into something really bad. But when I didn't think about the fears and the worries of life and just took a chance, I was really happy.

Don't get me wrong, you should think about things and not plunge into things, because it could lead to some bad stuff later in the future. I'm not saying to not think, but what I'm talking about here is taking chances to make your life better.

I wonder why I think so much about the past. It was both good and bad. I guess that it makes up the majority of who I am. My memories of what I did and what I said.

Phillipians chapters 2 and 3 are my favorite chapters of the bible. There's lots of good stuff in those two chapters. Chapter two has helped me in my friendship with one of my friends Ricky. He's been a really good friend to me.

Anyway, enough babbling, but I will end here. Thinking is good, but what I am planning to do is forget what is behind and strain forward towards Christ. Abstract, but what I'm talking about is putting my past behind me, and working to become more like Christ.

Not an easy thing to do. Never easy, but I hope that I can grow a lot more in these next couple of years.

Cooled down

About the last two posts that I deleted...sorry guys for writing all that. I was irrational, and I said some things I shouldn't have. Anyway, I'm sorry.

Anime Sale

Apparently www.animenation.com is having a sale on Bandai anime like Cowboy Bebop, Escaflowne, Gundam, and other quality anime.

Man, if only I waited a year to buy Cowboy Bebop from Animenation. I got ripped off last year at the price that I bought it at. I did buy it at Animenation, but it cost me $152 and they gave me a used scratched DVD in Session 5 out of 6. I swore that I'd never buy from them again, but this looks like it might be worth taking a chance.

Anyway, I buy from a different anime store now. www.animecornerstore.com has so far given me better DVDs than animenation. But, if you could find it cheaper elsewhere, I'd go with them. However, if you're looking to collect anime, then animecorner is probably the better place to go. But yeah, shop around. www.anipike.com is a place where you can get access to a variety of websites.


The sale is only for this week, so it might end tomorrow.


Anyway, just thought that I'd post this, because Bandai does put out some good anime most of the time. I haven't seen all of them, but the one's I did see besides Saber Marionette, I liked.

I however, probably won't buy anything from them, because I have no spare cash lying around.

Camp planning

We planned for camp today. It was good in that we got lots of progress done. All that remains is just seeing what we have planned through. I have some uneasiness with this, but I'm sure that it will be a good experience.

I stayed up till 4 last night working on ideas. I have the beginnings of what might seem like a lesson, but I will try to turn it into a skit with lessons behind it. But we'll see how it turns out.

Updates
This is a just an update. Nothing too interesting.

On a side note however, our mayor has prohibited serving meals to the hungry in the park after 4pm. The program, kept going by private donations and a collection of churches, was moved to a park because the safety building is going to be demolished.

I can see that there are some problems with the park, but still, after about 2 years, they haven't found a better place. So the hungry went hungry for 2 days, until the city allowed another meal on Thursday night.

Even though it was prohibited, people protested and served on Wednesday despite threats of being cited. My friend attended and said that it was pretty amazing to see how people came to help out. I personally didn't want to go, because I felt like I'd get thrown in jail or something like that. But still, it was a worthwhile cause and if you didn't notice, the mayor responded.

There is no permanent solution to homelessness, but still, efforts must be made here in the city to fight it. Some here in the city may never get off the streets, simply because they need more help than the city is willing to give. Some of the people who are homeless are mentally ill, and basically funding ran out for the places that were helping them, and the mentally ill were left without any support. They ended up on the streets.

Basically, Jesus tells us in Matthew 25:34-46 about the poor. My roommate told me, "when you see the poor, you should see Jesus." I wonder how great God is...and how I'll never really understand Him, until I share in His ministry. I've been part of the ministry for a little bit, but still, I should be participating more.

Giving people food, clothing, and shelter is a good thing, but note that you must be "as shrewd as serpents, and as innocent as doves." Be careful.

Is my help helping people or hurting people?

I am always reluctant to give money to people. You'll never know what they will use it for later. My brother would buy gift certificates from McDonalds and give people those. I'd say that that's a more productive solution than giving people money to buy beer or drugs or knives.

People will take advantage of you if you're not careful. People become dependant when they see that they can. Call me cynical, but sometimes people are homeless for a reason.

However, there are some people who are actually working to get off the streets. Granted that's not everyone, but a lot of the homeless aren't lazy, they just can't find jobs.

It's not that hard to land on the streets. A person could just have some bad luck and find themselves sleeping on an asphalt bed.

However, programs like feeding the Hungry and others that give people what they NEED and NOT what they can USE for whatever they want. Food and clothing are definate needs. In my opinion, people who don't work may never find themselves off the streets. Some as stated before just don't have the ability.

But, ways that are more useful than giving someone a dollar could be creating and funding programs to fight homelessness and help people off the streets rather than hurting people by supporting their bad habits.

We have to question whether or not our help is helping people or hurting people. Is it being used to give them what they need to make their lives better, or are we doing something that is causing them to make their lives worse?

It's not easy. It takes discerning and willing people. It takes time and money. It is dangerous and people need to be consider their safety when they're dealing with homeless people. But, the homeless are people loved by God and He died for them too.

Everywhere is a mission field. This world is fallen.

Life will always have its share of struggles. What matters most is how we deal with them.

What the heck am I going to do for a job? Hmm...still thinking and searching.

"Why am I here?" vesus "What the heck am I going to do for the next few weeks?!"

Someone told me that the latter is more productive in that it gives me something to shoot for instead of shooting nothing in the dark. I'm considering working at Costco or maybe some temporary place until I can find a job that pays well enough.

I've set the day that I'm going to leave my library job. I'm bent on going to Japan and teaching English. I'm confirmed that I'm registered as a kids camp staff for this conference that I'm going to be attending.

The main things that my friend told me was that you've got to make short term goals, intermediate goals, and long term goals. Short term goals to reach the intermediate goals. And Intermediate goals to reach the long term goals. The long term goals will come if you work on the short and intermediate first. A way of building a hill from the first pails of dirt to something larger. It will grow as you continue to build.

My friend is very wise, and I know that better things will come if I keep his advice.


Kid's scare me!

I don't know why I signed up for the camp as a staff person, but this is a leap of faith that I wanted to take. I wanted to be part of something positive, and with a lot of prayer and preparation, I know that things will go well. Maybe not as I expect, but definately this is in God's hands.

Frankly, I'm not sure what I've gotten into. I don't know what to expect, and I don't know how to deal with kids. But I figure now is as good as time as any. Better to learn now instead of learning when I'm old and just plain cranky. Hmm...

Also, I wanted to see what teaching would be like. I'm hoping to learn how to deal with kids so that I can be a good teacher in Japan. I know that one camp won't make me into a good teacher, but this is a stepping stone where I can get my feet wet and learn.

Video games

Heh, I've come to an obsession with video games in Japanese. Especially the ones by Squaresoft, now Square-Enix. I find that I'm having to start over a lot because I can't understand enough of the kanji to know what they're talking about all the time, but I'm getting the basic jist of it.

It is so cool, because I'm seeing how people actually talk and the different speech levels in text. I know that I should learn how to speak the actual standard dialect, but this is a little application for me as to how people actually speak. $80 down the drain though (Yeah, I bought a lot. )

Goals
My goal of working for a video game company translating texts is a very long term goal. I cannot speak and understand enough Japanese to be of any use. Plus I don't have that much translating experience to put on my resume.

My intermediate goal is to publish my own translations of manga (Japanese comics) on my very own blog. Maybe someone will see them. Maybe nobody will know about them. But it's a start.

My daily goals will vary from day to day. But mainly I plan to study Japanese two hours each day. Not every day, but most of the days. Japanese will be my breath, life, and love...for now.

Don't get me wrong. God will always be first on my agenda. Without God I wouldn't know what I would do. I've been helped so much by Him that I owe my life to Him. Life is tougher, but life is definitely better. Better in the sense that I now have an identity, a purpose for living, and hope that this world is not lost.

Anyway, I'm not perfect. As of right now, I'm just trying to get by each day. But I have hope that things will get better.

Missed church again...next week, I'll go for sure

My conversation partner's thinking surprised me. He is from Japan and told me that he could not afford to make friends with his classmates, because they all have broken English and it's not good for his practice.

I was surprised, because I think that he must be very lonely. I can sort of understand how much he wants to learn English, but to the extent that you don't have any friends is beyond me.

Anyway, he's a good guy. The highlight of our conversation was about stereotypes. He told me that he doesn't want me to judge Japanese people as a certain way because of how he acts, and likewise he told me the same about Americans with me. We're all human and not perfect. This was unexpected, and I'm pleased to know this guy.

It just reminded me that until you get to know someone personally, you will not see why they are the way they are. Their good points, their bad points, their uniqueness.

This Messed Up World

I saw "City of God" last night. Man, were there some things messed up in this world. Basically the movie was about people from this slum in Rio de Janeiro (spelling?). People living in poverty tried to make life better by taking up crime and selling drugs. It kept on spreading to the next generation to the next. It showed three generations of thugs. Plus corrupt policemen.

I was shocked throughout the whole movie. I've never been exposed to how tough life is in poverty and the things people do in the rest of the world. It shows me just how much kids take in at an early age and what they could become.

I thought the movie was good though. Good camera work, good plotline, characters that were interesting. It was based on real life events, but it angered and shocked the heck out of me. This is a fallen world. And I need to do something to make this place better.

Here in the US

I keep thinking that the American dream is overrated. To make money and live a comfortable life in suburbia with 2 kids. I think that there's nothing wrong with this. However, for me, I don't want to live my life and find that I have missed out on some of the greatest opportunities there are. I'm finding that I am missing out on a lot.

I stepped out for a bit

I ended up not going to my friend's going away party. I felt like I just want to stay home and be a lamer. Anyway, he is going to seminary and will likely become a pastor or something. He was our middle school leader, and I think that he did a good job.

He's one of the few people at church that I do talk to. I know that I missed out on some good things today, but I felt like I need some time to just think.

About dreams turning to dust

About that last post, the song mainly says that God understands what you're going through, and that He wants you to rely on Him. It talks about taking His hand, and walking where He leads. Keeping your eyes on Him alone. And not saying that the days were better when we didn't know Him. I have strayed away from Him for a little bit, but the turn of events have seemed to have turned me back to Him.

Anyway, I'm doing alright. I've seen that things don't turn out the way you want them to all the time, but life has its ups and downs. I've been through a lot, but life has become better since I came to know Him and get involved with a church.

When dreams turn to dust...

That's the second line of a song called "Take My Hand and Walk Where I Lead." I heard it on the car on the way back from the art fair.

I mentioned before that I was trying to let go of something, and I'm slowly being helped on that. Dreams. I have some dreams and goals, but some of them seem unlikely.

Dreams turn to dust, and some dreams never come to reality. But hey, that's life. It was only a dream, and now I have to move on with my life and make new ones.

I wasn't too happy about it, but I know that I'm making the right decision.
As of right now, I know what I need to do, and what I need to let go of.

Rebuilding and rethinking

I think that some parts of my life need to change, some things need to be broken, and some things need to be rebuilt. Most likely, that will happen with a lot of hard work, and pushing dreams aside for now.

Ouch, Painful!!!

Those of you who know what I'm talking about will get the jist. heh. GC man, GC. heh. Yeah, if you're a woman, I'm sure that you wouldn't have found that funny, because the movie that was made was some guy humor.

heh. But yeah, kind of taking a twist. Through the painful times, I've grown the most and have turned to God the most. Other believers have helped me on the way. A few key people here and there. But most of the time, it has not been through one person, but many different people. The people that helped me the most were at, of course, AACF. Hence the title from a movie made my CA and GC.

The end line of that movie was, "Want to meet nice people? Come to AACF" Of course the movie was taken out, but yeah, the last line was true for me. I'll bet you can get the jist of what happened in the movie, but yeah, you have to see it to understand. I won't post it though.

(Deleted) I figure that I'm not one to teach others. On the net, there's no follow up. I can't teach other people how to live for God. From now on, I'm going to try to refrain from teaching unless I feel that I should really say something. I'll try to state my opinions instead.

Back to pain...pain is something that can be used for good. It can help us to understand what another person feels (empathy). It can help us to put ourselves in another person's place (sympathy). Remembering Hebrews (the book in the new testament), we have a great priest who can sympathize with our weakness.

It's never fun, but I feel that it's necessary to become a mature and a well rounded person. However, don't take all my statements one way, because there is bad pain too.

If someone's beating you up, or doing bad things to you, then you should find help from maybe the police or someone. There is a difference between good and evil.

Always remember that you can't take statements all just one way. You have to think for yourself as to what is right and what is wrong. Just because someone says something, doesn't make it true. And it's good to question things to get clarity or find a deeper truth. But, think for yourself.

Einstein flunked math in his elementary school years. He would always ask "why" this, or "why is it this way?" His questioning brought him to a greater understanding.

A friend told me that she doesn't think that we're supposed to accept things as unknown all the time when it comes to faith. I believe that she is partially correct, yet I still believe that there are some things that God intentionally leaves us guessing at because it's not stated in the Bible.

What about infants who die and never hear the gospel? What about people who have never heard about Jesus? In the "Faith" portion of Philip Yancey's book, "Reaching for the Invisible God" he kind of addresses this.

He mentioned, "if God said that all infants under a certain age would go to heaven, couldn't you imagine the crusaders killing all the infants until there would be nobody left?" (paraphrased). I think that God leaves us with some unknown questions, but still, I don't think that we should leave it at that and be ignoranant and not think about some things like this. (The last sentence paraphrases what my friend was saying.) How then should we think of the answers.

Unfulfilled
A month has passed by, and I find myself in no better position than I was a month before.

Goal: Tomorrow, I'm going to study Japanese, journal, and read up on where to find tools to teach ESL.

All in!

We played poker tonight. $5 buy in, Texas Hold 'em. Winner got $25. 2nd got $15. 3rd got $5. I got fourth. heh. It was cool. I just played for fun. I don't play necessarily to win money. But still, man, $25... Anyway, it was fun. I raised on almost all the hands, and won most of them. But I went in on a hand that I shouldn't have went all in on a flush draw when I had the lowest possible card, a 2 of diamonds. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, that's not what took me out.

Anyway, we hung out a C's place and played until 12am. M L won, St got second, and M, J's boyfriend got 3rd.

I got one good hand though. I went in on some bad cards and ended up getting a straight. M, J's boyfriend had a 3 of a kind, so he went all in, and I called him on it. He could have taken me out on another hand, but didn't go in. S T won that hand, but he got out before me. J's boyfriend did pretty good, bidding his hands wisely.

The most crazy hand of the night was when the 3 left all had high cards. Pocket Jacks, Ace 10, and Pocket Queens. Everyone went all in. Needless to say the Pocket Queens won. The only downfall was that he didn't have that much money, so he tripled his money, but still came in third. J's boyfriend. He's not too bad.

I got taken out by the M L when he had pocket 10s and I had a Queen 4 (I think). No queen came up, so I lost.

But it was good. And I'm glad that Mel could get some money. He's pretty good at calculating his chances. I on the other hand, don't really care, so I play almost every hand. heh. Only if I think that I'll lose, with crappy cards, then I think that I'll stay out. So I do care, but try not to care.

Good fun. Makes me never want to go to Vegas, because I know that I'll do good, and lose everything I have later.

A Special day

One of my friends became as old as me today.  It was a good day.  A celebration of his coming into this world (as one of my friends put it for my birthday.)  It was a really good celebration, as a lot of people came out and congratuated him on turning a year older. 

We went to Claim Jumper.  The food was okay.  I should have gotten the chicken fried steak.  They gave M a lot!  Man, the meatloaf was okay.  I think that I prefer the chicken fried steak. 

The waiter asked C if it was his birthday today.  He pointed to the guy next to him trying to pass it along.  At the end, the waiter brought out some ice cream and cookies for him with one candle in it.  I sang to C and he said that he'd stab me with the spoon for some reason.  Maybe he was embarrassed. 

For some reason he didn't seem all that happy today.  I don't know why.  But I respect him, and a lot of other people that came tonight.  Granted there are other people that I respect that didn't come, but yeah, I respect my friend a lot, because he treats people really well. 

One of my friends, a different guy, is kind of shy.  If you talk with him one on one, then it's no problem.  But in groups he has trouble.  At senior sendoff, I joined in my shy friend, and my friend that I respect a lot in a conversation.  It was small talk, but it just showed me that he really cared for my shy friend. 

Sorry guys, I believe in not telling too much information and I am being redundant.  But, this community that I've been in has been really great.  I don't deserve to be with such great people, but hope is that I will help someone else, as my friends have helped me and help other people.  

Working on...

Working on getting a job, myself, friendships has been getting a little better.  I'm going to see a temp agency soon.  I will be seeing if they can hook me up with a job that pays a little better than the one that I'm in now.  I was offered one for Tuesday, but I could not take it because I didn't give my bosses enough warning.  Really, I need to give them some time to hire someone else. 

But things have beeng getting better.  I'm currently trying to let go of something, and I think that it's working. 

Matthew 6:33-34  can be found here.   I tried to type it out, but it came out a little different.  Man, need to remember verses a little better. 

 

Faith is not easy...
I'm reading through Philip Yancey's book, "Reaching for the Invisible God."  To tell you guys the truth, I'm struggling in my faith.  I think that this book is very helpful to everyone who has faith; has had a bad experience with Christians; been scarred in some way by the church. 
 
The church is not perfect, and it's far from being what we make it up to be.  A lot of people who don't believe see just how short we come. 
 
Philip Yancey talks about his own struggles with faith and other people who are well known and have struggled with faith.  Some of the past, some of the present.  He also mentions people who he respects as Christians and their struggles.  Why do they believe despite the bad things that happen to them? 
 
I'm going over it again, because I need to be reminded.  Reminded of what?  Well, just that I'm not the only one struggling with faith.  Also the fact that there are reasons to follow and continue following. 

I prayed for growth, and here it comes.  No matter how far I backtrack, I need to move forward somehow, and get further ahead than where I was before. 

I'll refrain from how I've failed or how I've been tested, but still, I'm doing okay.  Nothing bad has happened. 

Job hunting

Looking for a job hasn't been fun.  A lot of jobs require a lot of business.  Personally, that's not what I want to do.  I think that my only option right now is teaching English in Japan.  I have an idea of where to begin, so I'll start there and prepare before I apply.

I cannot do the dream job that I want.  I can barely understand anime without the subtitles.  I understand about 50%.  There's just so much more that I need to learn before I can express myself clearly.  But I guess it all comes down to using it and practicing it. 
It is good though that the US is really picking up in anime. 

Where do I belong?

I am thinking that I don't really know people outside of the church that well.  Don't get me wrong, being part of a group of believers is important.  But, I find that I just don't have that many friends who aren't Christian.  As of the past three years, I've seemed to severed my contacts of people who are outside of the church.  I'm stuck within this Christian bubble, and I really need to do something to change this. 

I have trouble talking with people at work, but I do to some extent.  They're really great people, and I think that I'm really going to miss my office here at school.  There are so many people out there who are not Christian who are really extraordinary.  There are some really good people out there. 

God created all people in His own hands.  I cannot understand the great love that He has for all people, only that I am trying to see people as people, and hope for the best for each person. 

Don't get me wrong.  I get jealous, I get frustrated, angry, and even upset at others.  Even sometimes I wonder how I can get along with some people.  Sometimes I don't. 

But someone said it best, "Treat people the same way you want them to treat you."  Not always meaning that you treat them how they treat you, but to treat them how you want to be treated. 

Also, don't get me wrong either.  If someone is treating you badly, then you use your best judgment and do what you think is best.  If you have something against someone, try and tell them what you have against them, instead of bearing grudges.  It might actually work, depending on how you bring it up.  Anyway, life is not easy. 

If you disagree with what I said, then that's cool.  I don't have all the answers, and I do what I think will work.  But once in awhile, I take a crazy chance of being rejected, and actually succeed. 

Sunday, the busiest day of the week

Today was a very busy day. Last night, I spent time playing video games with my younger brother till 1:30am. I woke up around 8:30 and walked the dog. A lady yelled at me because I let my dog pee in her bushes, but I guess if you spend a lot of time on your yard, I guess you would get fussy over a dog causing your plants to wither.

But still, it just shows you how much of an importance that people place on certain things. This is not the first time that I've been yelled at for the sake of my dog. And I'm not complaining, people can harbor bitter feelings if they want, it won't hurt me. Even though I did feel kind of bad and yelled "sorry", I'm not going to let her play a big part in my life. Really, I try not to care what other people think, even though I do to some degree, it's not important if a person thinks you're this or that.

(I'm going off on a tangent, but I do believe that how people feel is more important than what a person thinks. So, now I know not to let my dog go in that lady's bushes. I could care less if she thinks that I'm this or that.)

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, 'Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you so that you may be sons of your Father in Heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:43-48

Jesus said that, maybe not those exact words, but he said that in the Sermon on the Mount. You can find it here

Note, a preacher once said that you should always look up the verses for yourself, because someone could be telling you anything, and you not knowing and seeing for yourself could believe what they say. It could be totally off, and you might not know it. Doesn't matter if they're a pastor, someone high up, or whatever, always look and think for yourself. You could be in a cult without knowing it.

Anyway, after the incident with the lady...heh. I got back in my house afterwards and started practicing piano. I was supposed to play for both Japanese and English service today. It was already 9:00. It takes me 30 minutes to get to church. English service starts at 9:30. I thought, oh, I won't miss much...just worship and maybe part of the message. I play only the postlude at the end, so I don't have to be there for the whole service.

But wow, did I miss a lot! I missed this really awesome testimony of what God had done in someone's life. A mother at our church gave a testimony of what God had been doing in her life and her family's life. I was amazed that miracles do happen today. I know that they do happen, yet this is the first time that I've ever heard of some crazy incident happening to cause something good firsthand.

The sermon today was about People of Faith. The person giving the testimony was asked to share about what God was doing in her life, and she remarked that it was more of a God who is faithful and we who just follow.

Anyway, I think that they talked about Moses today. I don't remember too much of the sermon, because I was falling asleep, but the testimony I stayed awake in. But I remember that the Pastor spoke about Abraham and how he didn't know where God wanted him to go, he didn't know why he was going, but God said go, and he went. Even though he didn't know where he was going. I think that the passage was in genesis and they used Hebrews (a book of the new testament) to recap what they were talking about. The pastor spoke today about not just giving of our money to God, but giving of our time, using our hands. That is more important than what we could give out of our pocket. (Also note, if you think that God is talking to you audibly, then I think that you should check it out with other people, because you might not be hearing God. It could be that you might need to see a doctor for help.)

It's not a sign of a healthy church when you have trouble getting people to serve out of a willful heart. I don't see what impact we're making on the community. And when we do some small things like hungry feeding, not too many people show up. Granted I hardly show up, but really, there are only a handful of faithful people that I see doing service. Granted also that there's a lot of ministry that I don't see. But man, God has given us so much not for ourselves, but so that we, like Abraham, will be a blessing to the nations. Not just far off, but here too. Makes me wonder what I'm doing here. I'm not that faithful, and really, if I want to make a difference, I need to be.

Japanese service

I played for Japanese service. Man, the person who plays piano every week for the Japanese side has a big job to fill. I think that they wanted piano music for 5-6 parts of the service. Of course, I haven't been playing piano for a long time, so I messed up in a lot of the service parts. People thanked me regardless because I played for their service. Plus, I played some of the same things in some of the parts that they let me choose what I wanted to play, so it wasn't that bad. heh

Anyway, it was stressful. I was nervous, but it was fun after I look back on it.

One thing that really kind of makes me reluctant to go to Japanese service is that I feel a tension between me and the people that I talk to from the Japanese side. I don't know, but I think that I come across as rude, because my Japanese skill is not good, and I probably sound really just informal. I mean, in English, you talk in different levels too, like when talking to your boss, you don't say, "Yo! What's up?" you say, "Hi, how are you doing today?" Something like that. Anyway, I speak informally, and I think that because most of the congregation is elderly Japanese people, I'm using the wrong speech level. Plus there is also tension, because I can't understand a lot of what they're saying either. But I guess that's okay. I'll learn if I put my mind to it.

Anyway, I was tired. My friends were waiting for me after Japanese service ended. Some of the Japanese members asked me to join them for their get together of lunch, so I did, and ate some. My friends still waited for me and N and actually looked for us. Man, what good friends I have.

I went to eat lunch again with my friends. heh. But man, my friends could see how tired I was. I wanted to go home.

I don't deserve such kindness

N invited me to eat dinner with him and his housemates. Wow, they were so nice to me. I don't deserve to be treated so nicely, but they were very welcoming. They invited one of their other friends over too, and she talked about this thing bugging her, which I won't go into, because I don't know who's reading this. But, yeah, it wasn't stressful, because the two people who owned the house were very mature, and the husband had some good advice to give. I was very impressed and amazed at their maturity. It was very interesting to listen to her speak, because she was going off about this topic and the funny things that she would do to conceal it. It's nothing bad, but it was funny.

The food was awesome! All Japanese food, except the Kim Chee. Man, it was soo good! I felt like this was way too good for me. Man, I would pay about $20 for something this good! N liked to cook in Japan, so he was pretty good at it. Man, it was good.

Anyway, enough about the food. I wish that G could have made it.

Anyway, I say that I don't deserve their kindness, because I felt so unworthy of how good they treated me. They talked with me, even though I'm not very good at talking. They included me, even though I tried to distance myself. They helped me feel welcome, even though they didn't know who I was.

N is such a good guy. I hope that he will come to know the Lord someday. I guess it all starts with a prayer, and then more prayer, and just the two commands. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and with all your mind and strength. And the second is love your neighbor as yourself.

I struggle with those two commands everyday, because love is not an easy thing. Who is your neighbor? The person sitting right next to you. The person on the street. The person who is selling you something on the phone whom you don't want to talk to. The person who annoys you. The person who hates you. Everyone is your neighbor. It's not simple to love your neighbor, because your neighbor might just tear your head off if given the chance. Or might not respond well to you. But still, that's what being a Christian is about. I keep on thinking, what can I do, and will I be willing to do it.

I'll stop now. But yeah, it was such a busy day. I'm tired, and I'll probably just go to work tomorrow tired.

But yeah, I could have missed out on so much if I didn't go to church. It was such a good day, even though I didn't enjoy all of the day, it just shows that God can bless you through little things and can grow them.

Anyway, don't think that I'm some super Christian or some really great guy. I'm okay, and I fail a lot. I have lots to work on in my life, and the people that I see who have grown so much, like my oldest brother, were at one point where I am right now. It takes work to become someone great.

Someday, I'll look back at myself, and see just how far I've come. I've come a long way since the day that I decided to end it all. The end didn't come, because of a miracle.

Anyway, I'll write about it later. But yeah, the jist of it all is that I yelled at God saying, "How could you let me go through all of this, if you're real! How could you let me suffer so much!"

I had heard that God loved me from one of my friends. The first time that I had heard that God loved me.

After I yelled those words out in my head, (I didn't yell it out verbally, but thought it out really loudly), I felt something that I had never felt before. Peace. And I fell asleep.

In the morning, I felt a little better, but life sucked as usual. It wasn't until a year or two later that things started to get remotely better. But yeah, I'm amazed at how things worked out, because my brother was praying for me. Miracles do happen. Not how you want them to, but they happen. Despite how bad things may seem, or how bad things are now, life can get better.

I don't know why I'm here still, but there's got to be a reason. Anyway, hope you guys out there are doing well. No matter how much life beats you down, get back up and try again. You can do it! Just trust that things can get better in time and work to make things better.

July 3rd and 4th

On July 3rd, my roommate let me use his memory card for the playstation to beat FF8. Compared to his guys, my guys were really weak, because all were at level 30. His main character was at level 100, and the other two at around 60-70. His other characters were at the same level as mine. Level 30. Crazy.

Anyway, the end boss was pretty hard. I spent 1 hour and 30 minutes trying to defeat him, and when I finally did, the game crashed 10 minutes into the end scenes.

But that's okay. I just wanted to beat the game, so I could play my other games.

I stayed up till 6am on Saturday night doing this and overslept for church.

Anyway, July 4th I spent at the park with my friends. Gar S. called me up and asked me if everything was alright in the afternoon on Sunday. I had just woken up and was feeling alright, but still tired. Because I missed church, my friends were wondering where I was. I guess they had tried a couple of times before, but I guess I was sleeping very soundly. ugh.

Anyway, I repeated the same thing last night. I played video games until 6am again. I slept in till 2pm, and fell back asleep until 5pm. Man, is this what my career is coming to?

4th of July

At the park, we watched fireworks. It was a good show. Even though we had to wait from 1pm till 10:30, it was worth it.

It made me happy to see all the flashing lights and to hear the explosions of the super novas. I kept on thinking about what life is truly about during that time. I have so many dreams that seem impossible to fulfill.

I know from experience, that nothing will happen, unless I make it happen. Not saying that you force things to happen. You don't have control over everything. But, what I'm saying is, if you want something to happen, you've got to take a chance and start something in your life. It may not pay off, or there is some crazy chance that it might.

I knew that I wasn't going to go to college with the grades that I had in 10th grade starting from 9th. I had a 3.25 avgerage, and I knew that I couldn't get into the college that I wanted to if I didn't work at it. I cut all video games at the time, and devoted myself to studying. I got 4.0s in all classes in my 11th grade year. That was good enough to raise my GPA to a 3.50, and good enough to get me into the college that I saw all my siblings go to and have dreamed about since I was a kid.

So I guess these crazy dreams that I have can become true. I just need to do the right things and focus on where I am going.

Sacrifice

I never would have gotten into college unless I had sacrificed my video game playing time. If you really want something, you have to work for it.

I feel like maybe I'm wasting my life here playing so many video games. I shouldn't have started again, as I have neglected my studies since I started. My Japanese was getting better...however, since my brother was in town last week, I played video games with him, and got started once again.

I guess I have to determine what is most important to me that I would spend what is limited...my time and my money.

The South Korean who was executed about a couple weeks ago has been on my mind now and again. Apparently he was a Christian and studied Arabic in hopes of being a missionary in the Middle East.

It is terrible that he died the way he did. I can't imagine what kind of people would do such a thing to another person.

Brother, I know you're in a better place right now. I hope that the people who did this to you will be touched by God in some way so that they will do good instead of evil.

On a separate note, I haven't blogged for awhile, because I felt that there was really nothing to say. I had nothing really interesting to report.

One good thing that happened to me recently though is that I have gone through some trials and I think that I am actually growing. I don't want to write too much about this, because I have not accomplished them yet, but am in the process of doing them and applying them to my life.

Small steps over time equal a great distance in a lifetime. Sort of like, one small step for man...heh. J/K

This past week, Jessica had a party at one of our friend's houses. heh. She was house sitting for them, and it was nice of her to open up their house for us. =) Actually, she got permission from the people to do this, so it's not like we did this behind their backs. But man, what a view that place had!

At the party, I didn't talk too much, and I felt kind of left out. But I soon realized that I have a lot of work to do on myself to become more social and a part of a community. I personally think that people are uncomfortable around me. Partly because I don't talk that much and I didn't make any effort to get to know them. (Yeah, really lame.)

My brother was right in saying that the more of a complete person you become, the more attracted people will be towards you. I look at some people who are really good at socializing and see just how people respond to them. It's fun to watch, because some of the things they do are really simple and just take some practice. I was surprised at how some girls were attracted to this one fellow who seemed to make some effort even though he was not (in my opinion) very masterful and made mistakes, yet interacted with others and people seemed to generally respond well to him.

Sometimes you don't have to be good at something to actually do something. It takes effort and practice, yes, but you'll never get better unless you try.

One thing that amazes me is internationals in the US. The US is not a very nice place for people who don't know how to speak English well. I think that generally, most people aren't very patient with others who can't speak English that well, because most Americans haven't traveled to other places and haven't tried to learn other languages besides in school. Granted it's not everybody who is like this, but generally speaking, there are lots of comments about people's English ability.

Don't let that discourage you from coming to the USA if you don't speak English well though.

the reason why I say that I'm impressed by internationals is that they leave everything that's familiar to them, and come to a foreign land and learn in a foreign language. True, that some of the internationals learn English in their home countries, but learning a different culture and being able to bounce back at misunderstandings and fitting in with the people really impresses me. Most of the internationals that I have met are very mature and seem older than they really are.

I wonder if I go to Japan and try to fit into the culture there, if I could handle it.

Anyway, enough babbling about this.

I just wanted to write that I don't know why Kim Sun-Il had to die this way, but for some reason it happens. I wonder if I would be as bold as him to go to the Middle East for a mission. Am I prepared to die? I don't even think that I have even known what life is all about. Makes me wonder how I'm living life now.

I've always wanted to make a positive impact in this world. I've wanted to change the world in a better way. It's very hard to do this, but there are small things that one can do that can be of some use. Basically what it comes down to is God and people. God has the power to change the hearts of men, and people have to go out there and be willing to be used by God to make a difference. Something that is not easy.

One more thing, about an earlier post. If your friends are causing you to do stuff that's wrong, then you need to be smart about what you're doing and get away from them until you can say no. It's not good to try to make a difference in people's lives if you aren't making a difference in their lives. If you're being influenced by other people to do wrong things, then you should get away.

I've had one experience where I tried to help out another person, and I was basically falling because of him. The only person who told me what I needed to hear was someone very close to me. This person was the only person who told me what was right, that I needed to break my friendship with this other person. I personally thought that the dangerous person (the friend that I needed to break friendship with) might have killed me someday if I stayed his friend. You've got to look at reality and see if you're in danger also. If so, then you need to get away.

Just thought that I'd write that just in case anyone is going through the same things I went through.