Have you ever felt like you've gotten into a routine that just doesn't end? I feel that way every time I go to work and it reaches the weekend. Then when the weekend ends, I feel depressed that work starts again. I wonder how many other people feelt his way?

Anyway, I think that I'm going to do horrible on my Japanese test, because I haven't been studying. I've been sleeping a lot and playing video games, because it keeps me awake. I won't say why I'm so tired, but those who know me will know why. And, no, it's not because I'm playing video games. I'm wondering if I'll ever make it out of this cycle.

My dog was barking at some guys doing landscaping at the yard next door, so I couldn't sleep for awhile. So I turned on the TV and saw a movie yesterday on HBO. It was called, "Love can't buy you a thing." It is the remake of an earlier movie called, "Can't buy me Love". Basically the story goes on about a nerdy guy who has some friends, but isn't popular. He pays this popular girl some money to be his girl-friend for a certain period of time and he becomes popular.

One thing that I liked about the redone version was that it had some humor in it that I don't recall in the original. The storyline moved at a good pace, and I thought that it had some okay points at the end. I thought that the original had a better point after seeing the end just recently while flipping channels. Anyway, I was a little kid when I first watched "Can't buy me Love" and even then I didn't understand any of what the movie was about. But I think that I would like the movie if I saw the original again.

Anyway, enough randomness...I gotta get going on something.

"Dump the attitude, get off your butt and work on it!" That was a line from the movie and I'd have to agree with it.

I keep writing about what I'm going to do, but unless I get down to it and do it, it's not going to happen.

I had a dream last night, or should I say this morning about two friends who are not really in my life that often. I dreamed that they were having a conversation about me. It wasn't the easiest thing to listen to, but I woke up after we all left the restaurant.

I took it as something that something is telling me to get going on what I need to do. I however, did what I expected to do. I played video games the whole day. When I looked up after I reached an intermission, it was already 3pm!

I guess this is something that has been a constant in my whole life. I played piano for 13 years of my life and have not played it consistently since. My teacher would tell me that I've stayed at the same level for quite awhile after she got frustrated at my lack of progress. I used to think that I was really good. That, was my problem.

Nowadays, I feel like I'm not so good and I don't try anymore. Which leads to more mediocrity and deterioration of skills.

Fellowship...

I keep wondering why I go to fellowship. I enjoy it and my friends are great, but I keep wondering, am I really growing? It has nothing to do with how it's being run or what we learn there, it just has to do with me not expanding on what I'm learning and digesting it. I guess if I played video games for one whole day, I should not expect to be growing if I don't work at what I need to.

I guess a relationship is much different than just learning about something.

That's the thing, I'm not consistent. Consistent...that word just opened up another can of worms. Which, I won't go into. I can say that I don't know what to say anymore when it comes down to things. Maybe I should stop writing and actually do something instead of walking around and around and around in circles.

Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. Maybe I should go into video games instead of Japanese. I don't know anymore.

Make a decision and stick with it. Yeah...

Sometimes I wonder how long I'll be at this job. I don't know if they're going to fire me for a whole bunch of reasons going through my head, or if I'll find another job soon. I'm kind of thinking that nobody really likes me at this place.

Someone told me that "everyone thinks you're a saint...it's kind of annoying really." I was kind of surprised. "Saint?" it's kind of weird, because I get the feeling that people don't like me. Plus, I hardly feel like a saint at all. I feel like I'm the opposite.

Anyway, I wonder why I'm here. Why am I doing this job? Two reasons, I need a job, and I don't feel confident enough to get another job in Japanese. Also, I have more time to study when I'm doing a job for only 4 hours.

Anyway, one of my former roommates told me not to worry about things like this. I can see why he's happy, he just lets things be. He doesn't worry about what he can't help and does what he can help. He really is a good guy.

I know that I'm capable of becoming a much better person than I am right now. I was doing really well at one point, then things sort of crumbled. I lost it and I haven't recovered. I must say that it is good that I didn't stay up in the sky for too long, because it is helping me to learn how to deal with problems. But I wonder, do I really want to get well? I want to say yes, but I'm still learning how to deal with success.

When people compliment me, I tend to not take it as a compliment. Mainly because I've always been put down by someone when I got big headed. Maybe that's why I feel like such a loser sometimes.

Okay, I'm going to try to not put myself down and I'm going to try to build myself up. Heh, build myself up. Why is it that I'm always having to rebuild what I once started...

I guess the answer is that I tear it down. heh. Okay, enough depressing things. Have to stick to it if I really want it. If I want growth in my life, then I'm going to have to work at it consistently, and stick to it. It doesn't come easy at first, and some things may never come easy, but if you want growth, then you'll have to do what you should be doing and cut out what you should not be doing. Easier said than done, I know...but I got there once, I'm trying to get there again...

Set your minds on things above, not earthly things (Colossians 3:2)

Work sucks, I know...

I've been hating my job recently. I'm tired of doing this job but I think that I'll probably be here for awhile. I can attribute the factors leading to why I hate my job, but the fact is that I need this job to earn some income. I can't live in my parent's hous forever.

Anyway, there are some good people at my workplace, but there are some people who I can't really understand too well. It's kind of like going back to high school. People have their own lives and problems that they don't tell others about. Plus, it's not like you get to talk to everyone there. Most of the time, I'm barely talking. And sometimes I'm intimidated to talk to some people there.

My supervisor is great though. He is a guy that is worthy of the job. He cares about the people more than the work. But he still knows how to get us to work without making us feel bad. I can say that I'm glad that he's my supervisor.

I'm not sure what to say anymore. I'm tired of working at such late hours and feeling bad almost every single day, because I can't sleep 8 hours in a row. Usually I can only sleep around 4-6 and I fall back asleep later at night before work starts. However, I feel good after work ends.

I guess it's no use complaining about it. If I really want to do something else, then I should work on improving my skills to do something else. I feel like I just don't want to do anything.

Well...I guess there's another way of looking at things. I'm lucky that I have a job. After all that time looking after school ended, I didn't find a job that I could stay for the short term. There were a couple of jobs that interested me, but they required a very long stay...longer than I would have liked. With this job, I can leave at any time that I want. I do a fairly decent job at my work, even though some guys get angry that I miss some of the open boxes, I'd say that I'm catching most of them.

There will always be things to complain about. I've been complaining to myself almost everyday. But, it would be helpful if I looked at what positive things I do have.

I'm alive. I have a job. I have a place to sleep. I'm really lucky to have these things. If I want better things, then I'm going to have to create some skills by learning them. I know that it's not always that easy, but hearing some stories from people who have experienced life longer than me, I'd say that they've all struggled at some point, but things worked out later because they made some good choices.

Anyway, I know that life will never be easy. However, I have the cards that I'm dealt, and I've got to use them and do what I can with them. Man, if I want to get out of this job, it really depends on me.

What's amazing sometimes is how some people who go through hardships stay or become great people. I'm always amazed at some people's faith...how strong it is and how they are not bitter about what has happened in the past. I hope that someday, people will see that in me. But I'm not going to hold my breath. I can't look so far into the future that I forget where I am now. However, I can't stay in one place and feel depressed at where I am.

I'm wondering...what is the next step?

There's that old proverb. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. It may seem daunting to get to someplace that's far off, but you've got to start somewhere. Even if it's only a little step, if you keep walking, then you'll get closer to your destination. However, you have to keep walking in the right direction. And, you have to keep walking. I guess I need to stop the blog and take a step. It's one thing to say something. It's another things to actually do it.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Sometimes it's not the destination that is the important part, but the journey. Growth is more important than receiving the reward. Why? Because to people of faith, your life does not end at death. The soul is eternal.

Gotta keep moving. Regroup and go at it again...

I've found it hard to pray today. I think that watching the 9th episode of "Band of Brothers" yesterday really disheartened me before I went to sleep. It's pretty crazy what kinds of things went on in the past.

I sometimes question why things happen. How could God let this happen? How could God stand by and let people suffer like this?

I know that God knows all the things that have happened, are happening, and will happen. He knows all of this, because unlike us, He is outside of time...or so I've heard people say. Like I or anybody else would know. But, as I've heard in class, God is a god of History, or time. Granted that was in my Hebrew Bible class and the older notions of what God is about. But to me that seems good enough of an explanation.

Anyway, I guess I'll never know why God lets these things happen. I know that it's tougher to be God than to be me though. I just have to trust that He knows what He's doing. I also have to do my part and also be the person that He wants me to be.

History is doomed to repeat itself if we don't remember the past. I'm not sure where we're going, but I think that we're in for some struggles ahead. Just by how things look now, and what's happening, worse things will come. I think that it's because of a lack of understanding on our parts. I really don't know what President Bush is doing. I think that he has made some bad decisions in terms of the environment, the war in Iraq, and just how he has really created the biggest deficit in history by any president, even with excluding the disaster of Hurricane Katrina.

I wonder...with the way things are going now, what will the future bring? And, what am I going to do? What am I going to do...

Right now, I'm going to study Japanese. I may be naive, but I think that this is something that I should be doing. Not sure why though...

Sometimes I wonder...why the heck am I here. I don't know the answer to that. Only that I'm here and I need to do something.

Anyway, I thought that I was going to get fired today, but it turns out that it wasn't anything like that at all. I've been sick the past couple of days and I thought that I wasn't working so well. I was missing a lot of boxes...to me I've felt like I'm working really crummy. Maybe I was, but I've just got to get some rest and recover.

Tomorrow is another day.

Hearing my dog snore while I'm awake studying Japanese before I go to my job makes me really want to do better on this next test. I could be sleeping right now, but because I work odd hours (graveyard) I'm awake and it is taking a toll on my body.

I guess it's no use complaining. Just do what you need to and get it done.

I gave myself some hw to do so that I would finish my study guide before the test. I'm seeing that there's still a lot that I don't know and a lot that I've forgotten over this past year. The term "Use it or lose it" rings true.

You may be asking what test I'm talking about. The Japanese Language Proficiency Test. I didn't pass the level that I took last year, so I'm taking it again. Hopefully, I won't have to take this level over again.

Anyway, I think that I'm going to get some sleep before work...

Revelation...

Check out Max Lucado's book, "You are Special" That basically sums up what I'm thinking right now.

I'm finding that I'm having to relearn to some things. Where I was once before, I've backtracked. I'd say however, that these things that are happening are good things. If I never experienced these things, then I'd say that I'd never grow.

I really need to make some changes in my own life, and to really let things be, even if they don't turn out the way that I want them to. I'm learning how to do that now and I think that I'm making some progress, but we'll see where I end up in about a year or so.

Anyway, God is good. Despite all the bad things that happened to me recently, I'd say that they aren't such a big deal and that these are necessary for my growth. I'm still learning how to handle these things, but really, they are quite small in retrospect. I just tend to make them into a big deal or bad situation.

Letting things go. Not dwelling on the past, living in the present and building a future. One of my friends posted something that was quite good. He's reading this book by Geoffrey Canada called, "Reaching up for Manhood: Transforming the Lives of Boys in America." You can find his post here

Sometimes I'd rather not blog. I don't know most of you, and most of you don't know me. Nothing is built because of this blog, and I'd rather not build things with people because of this blog.

Telling the whole world something just doesn't seem like a good thing. Especially if you don't think about what you're writing.

Anyway, I'm going to be blogging less and writing more in my own journal. This blog has not helped me very much in reflecting and writing what's on my heart. The reason being that it's public and people could get insulted or hurt because of the things going on inside. Not saying that I have anything against anyone for any reason, but saying that words can hurt others in ways that the person saying them may not see.

Plus, I really don't know how people will interpret what I'm saying. Sometimes I'm not very clear because I'm just writing. But words can be twisted and people may misunderstand the true intent of what I was trying to say. Sometimes I don't mean for people to understand what I'm writing because I started this blog mainly for me.

But, really, I don't think that this blog has helped me. Anyway, that's it for now.

Last night at fellowship, I realized that I need to spend more time with God. I've been playing a lot of video games lately, and it has taken up a lot of my time.

Plus, I've been sleeping a lot too. I think that can be attributed to some weight gain and less exercise along with junk food. I think that this is the first time that I've been overweight. Got to do some push ups every night and run on the weekdays and limit those junks.

Must make small steps right now and get farther along the road.

Today was good. I made some good choices, but we'll see how I fare in the days to come.

All I want to say is that I'm feeling either caffiene withdrawal, or sick right now. I'm guessing it's caffiene withdrawal. Hmm...maybe this is a sign that I should quit while I'm not that addicted yet.

All I want say now is, I have more respect for my teachers who put up with me and my classmates. I also have respect for the planning and how well most of them carried them out. It's not easy to teach someone something. Especially if you've never had any training in it. But I think that for the most part, I just need to be clear, direct, and to keep things simple.

Part of me thinks that I'm trying too hard and not getting enough done. But who knows, we'll see what will happen when I go to the interview.

I'm having second thoughts about going to Japan. I've been wishy-washy for a long time about this. I know very little about this company and I know little about Japan. But I think that if I am accepted to go, then I'll take it to see what things are like over there. If not, then it's no big deal. The interview was just practice. I'll accept it as something that I shouldn't do right now if other places reject me. Maybe I'm not ready.

Anyway, the interview is going to last quite awhile and I'm not sure how well I'm going to take it. But whatever happens, life goes on and it's not the end of the world. As long as I'm still living, I can make changes.

Then I think...do I really want to make those changes? I don't know anymore, and I'm tired of saying things. I have things that I need to deal with, and I'm not sure if I'll ever find the answers to those questions. But I've got to keep walking forward. If we meet paths again, then I've got to decide what I'm going to do and do it. Right now, I'm still trying to work on things in my own life.

Maybe I need to retrace my steps...the world is not against me. If things are going wrong in a lot of things, then maybe I need to look at myself and see if I'm the problem. I think that yeah, there are some things that I need to fix. But sometimes, I wonder if it's better if I'm not involved. Maybe for now, it's better that I'm not as involved, but I need to get back into the swing of things. I mean, I can't recover if I don't pick myself up and try again...

I've been trying...more like I've been going through the motions. But really, I need to try some more...

So...what am I supposed to do when I find them?

Overall, the past two days have been really good. I must say that doing social activities helps me to feel more comfortable around people. I felt more human instead of feeling like an angry robot. It helped my mood at work. However, I must say that being tired didn't help how well I worked...but I'd say that feeling human is more important than one day of work. But I can't keep doing bad jobs, or else I'll get fired soon.

Today was pretty interesting at work though...My unloader told me to get my supervisor. I thought...great...my unloader must be feeling really bad. (He has been ill for sometime.) So I called the supervisor. He comes down from the catwalk and sees my unloader. Some exciting converstaion went on in there and I hear him say into the radio, "Crickets on the belt...Crickets on the belt."

I look inside the trailer and see that they're wiping crickets off of the boxes. He then said into the radio, "if any of you find a open cricket box give it to (This lady who's young and pretty) to deal with...(I won't name her)."

I ask him, "What are we supposed to do when we find these crickets?" He replied, "You let them go FREE!!! They were going to be some lizard's lunch, so now they're FREE!" (Emphasis his.) I see some crickets jump off of a box and land on the conveyor belt...only to get smashed by another box in the intersection. A few seconds later I thought that I heard a yelp from one of the guys on the sort aisle.

Oh what a cruel cruel world that we live in.

Okay enough silliness.

I must say that it is pretty interesting to work where I work sometimes. The people are all around my age, except for the managers and for some people who have worked there for awhile. Probably most of the people there are doing this job and another job, or wanting to be promoted when they've spent enoguh time in the system. It's not a bad place to work, but I don't think that I'd recommend this place, because you don't make that much money and it takes a long time to get promoted. When you get promoted, then you make money. But mostly, people use this place as a job for the summer or as a part time job during school.

I think that it has helped me to find at least some purpose in life. Earning a paycheck isn't the greatest thing in the world, but it does feel like I've done something with my time. I mean, I can't eat unless I work, right? Well, I don't know what I want to do. But today was a good day and good enough to distract me from the realities of the harshness of life.

However, I'd say that probably most others have it tougher than me.

I think about where I'm going in life. No direction....as of right now. The interview for teaching in Japan is around the corner and I'm not sure what to teach in the interview. I'm not even sure if going to Japan will be a good thing for me. But no point worrying...I want to do this and see what will happen. "Want" to do this...yeah right...I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like I'm still a kid sometimes. Not sure where I'm going...not sure what I want...not sure why I'm here. But there's nothing to do but live...participate, and try to make things better. What would I do if I found my purpose in life? What would I do if I found direction? What would I do if I found them? Let them run free in my life? haha I know they're inside somewhere. Maybe they'd be smashed like the cricket when it hits a turn. That's always a possiblity. But there are more than one so that some will run free. (Okay, I'm really weird today.) I'd say that it probably best that I don't know right now.

I'm a loner at heart

One person wrote that, "if you think you can't live without relationships (ie friendships or at least talking to other people,) then it's like saying that you can live without food or water." (paraphrased by me. from Les and Leslie Parrot's book Relationships)

My whole life, I've been a loner. I can say that growing up, I didn't really know how to relate to people. I didn't learn how to talk to others, because it wasn't the most important thing to me. When I tried to communicate, my family would get kind of frustrated at how random I was. I'm still like that today, as you probably know from reading my blog. But I've learned how to communicate a little better since I went to college. Communication is still something relatively new to me and I'm still struggling to get it out of my mouth.

People really don't get to know who I am, because I have trouble expressing myself. Sometimes people don't want to talk to me, because of my lack of people skills. I mean, how would you feel if you were talking to someone who is an adult, but has trouble talking? Or, who doesn't exactly see what he/she is saying until the person reacts in a certain way?

I'm not saying that that happens all the time with me. But it tends to be like that with people who I just meet. Really, my socialization skills have taken a turn for the worse since I left the dorms.

Practice makes perfect

Well, no sense complaining about it. A farmer once told me that "everything is hard. Nothing is easy." I didn't believe him at first, but later on I saw that that's probably true. Everything is hard because it takes some degree of skill to learn and some people are better at some things than others. Learning is never easy, but once you get going, then it will become easier as you gain experience.

That phrase, "everything is hard, nothing is easy" seems unrealistic to me but life is hard. Not many people will be good at something when they first start it. Sometimes people who are good something when they first try to do something have experience in something similiar. People who surf are likely to be good at snowboarding. People who play piano, will likely find playing another instrument not as hard because of the experience of playing music.

I may have some flaws in my argument, but one thing is clear. Nobody starts out being perfect. We may have some strengths that we don't know about, but if it isn't developed by the person who has it, then it will never get any better. Even people who aren't good at something at first, can become really good if they work on it and direct themselves towards goals that they've moving towards.

One thing that music has taught me is that you can't play a very hard piece well if you don't practice it over and over. Practice helps. Just like shooting a basketball from the freethrow line over and over again will more likely help you to make the freethrow later on in the game.

I've thought about this over and over, and yet, getting started is one of the hardest things for me.

Getting back to relationships...I guess if I don't go out there and at least try to relate to others, regardless of how they react, then I'll never learn how to relate to others.

Sometimes bouncing back is more important than how well you do the first time, or the second time. Retrying things and improving is necessary to becoming more successful at something you realy want to do. Trial and error...heh. I guess that's one great thing about life. It doesn't end when you fail. And you can learn and succeed if you keep trying. Not saying that you will, because sometimes you need to look at things about you and what you're good at. But saying that anybody can become really good at something.

Note, it always helps to start early when you're trying to develop skills. Musical instruments, reading, another language, whatever are all best learned now. Later, it becomes harder...

Anyway, with all that said, I still feel like I just want to play video games...heh. I guess I am a loner at heart. If I really want to be happy though, I'm going to need to work on some relational things in myself.

I signed up for the interview, and now I need to prepare for it. If things work out, I'll be going to Japan. But I'm not sure what God wants me to do. I guess I need to pray some more. Who knows, I might not even be accepted to go. If that happens, then I'll just keep working where I'm at now and work on my Japanese. Who knows what the future will bring. All I have to do is keep working and looking for opportunities.

I just know that I need to prepare for what I want to do in the future. It may never come true...but if I don't do anything to prepare for it, then it will definitely never come. Sometimes you get a chance to do something that you want to do. But, if you aren't prepared for it, or you never take the chance to go for it, then you'll never get it.

It kind of makes me wonder...about my own life in the past. If I never took any chances, then I would not have experienced so many good things. When I stopped taking chances, then I experienced a lot less. Less pain, along with less joy. The pain that I feel now seems to grow as I stop taking chances.

It's easy to say something...but it's another thing to do it. I feel like I just want to give up from time to time, but I know that I have to keep walking forward.

I try to be optimistic...but lately, I've been really pesimistic. I can see why too. heh. Anyway, no sense complaining about things anymore. Got to keep on moving forward.

Something inside of me tells me that I'm not any different from the people at my workplace. Maybe I've lost my identity. Maybe I never really had a strong identity in the first place. All I know is that if you don't stand firm, then you'll fall.

Anyway, I think that I have some changes that I need to make. It kind of makes me wonder if I go to Japan, will the system beat me down so that I'm like everyone else? Or will I take a stand and be known as a gaijin? Or an outcast. I really don't know what will happen to me if I go to Japan, but I know that it's much harder to be a Christian in Japan and other places where they're persecuted.

Already, I've made some choices. What Paul said is true. "God cannot be mocked! A man reaps what he sows." Meaning, if you choose bad things, then you'll receive the consequences of those bad things later on. If you choose good things, then you'll receive the good things later on. I'm not talking about the next life. I'm talking about people's lives in general and what they plan for the future. An explanation is seen in this. If you plant seeds, they'll grow into a plant. Depending on what seeds you plant, they'll grow into their respective plants.

Anyway, I might not be making too much sense, but really, that's one truth that I take from the Bible. It's found in the book of Galatians. Galatians 6:7. You can find the whole chapter here. Anyway, I've written this time and time again, and it seems like there's no progress.

I think that I have no commitment to anything right now. I'm just drifting. Of course I still believe in Christ. But then again, how committed am I? I don't think that my life reflects Jesus. I think that I have to get back to what's important again.

[edit] Okay, what I wrote above kind of seems like Karma. I didn't mean Karma. I meant that if you choose good things in your life, then your character or things about you will grow in that way. If you choose sin in your life, then you'll also grow in that way too. Anyway, I don't understand everything there is in the bible, but I do know that every choice has consequences. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. But it will change you in some way.

Anyway...yeah...

I just played Lords of the Realm III for about 2-3 hours. I'm still on the first mission. I finished the tutorial and have learned the basics of how to siege a castle and some tactics of changing formation in combat.

Each Knight has a their own garrison that they're in charge of. Instead of controlling individual troops, you control a unit of troops depending where your knight is. Usually, they're divided into 20-30 troops per unit, unless some get destroyed in the battle. In that case, you'll have to get back to your own land to replenish and retrain troops. Usually one knight in charge of one piece of land and trains units into what he knows how to make them into. Usually one class. So unless you combine forces with another knight, you probably won't have one knight controlling more than one type of attacker.

Classes range from Calvalry, footmen, swordsmen, warriors, pikemen, archers, crossbowmen, different types of siege equipment attackers, along with the leader of each group.

It's a pretty interesting game, but the main point of the game is to follow history and take over Ireland, or England, and some other countries. You also have to feed your armies, so you need to have serfs on some lands. If you want to hire other mercenaries, you'll need a city that they can visit.

Anyway, I'm going to play this some more when I get home, and hopefully, I'll beat it. But yeah, it's a pretty interesting game. It also goes down to a political level, but it's pretty basic. Declare war, offer peace, give a gift of money, offer an alliance, break alliance, etc. One thing that lacks in the this game is pictures of the other leaders that you're dealing with. All you get is text messages. I guess in a game that doesn't stop, it would kind of be annoying to get a picture of someone else blocking your view while you're trying to siege a castle. Getting hot oil poured on you because you're not paying attention tends to cause frustration when your unit dies.

Anyway, this is a game for people who like games like Warcraft, but aren't that good at them. Lords of the Realm III isn't an easy game, because it does require strategy and multi-tasking. But it is definitely a lot easier than Warcraft.

Horrible...but still not that bad

Man, I had a really bad day today. Just things building up kind of exploded. Not necessarily things from work, but that was just the last straw that let everything go sour.

Anyway, even though I had a bad day, there are so many others who have things worse. Feeling bad is one thing, but actually experiencing bad things is another. All the people homeless from Hurricane Katrina really need some help. Right now, the things bothering me are small compared to what's bothering people who might not have enough food to eat.

Anyway, in regards to the things that happened to me, they are really not that big. In regards to the other things that are bothering also, they are not that big compared to someone who might be living in a war zone.

Anyway, I guess I should count myself lucky that I'm not any more worse off. I actually have things pretty good, if I look at it with the right attitude.

One thing that struck me from last Sunday's message was that the speaker was talking about a group of Pastors who went from North America to Central America. They met with pastors in Central America and did ministry...I think...When it came down to prayer requests, the Central American pastors all had ministry prayer requests and no personal prayer requests.

That struck one of the North American pastors. He mentioned that the people down here have experienced the bitterness of life and yet they know what's really important.

One of the main points from the message was, "Are we acting like Citizens of the Kingdom of God, or are we just there soaking up what we can?" In retrospect of my past few years, I feel that I've been just watching, not participating. I've said that many times, and I feel like when the rubber hits the road, that I'm not doing what I should. At work, I feel like I'm just there doing my job, not doing anything important.

Maybe I just don't care anymore. Maybe I don't...I have wounds still, and I guess I need to heal them. Move on, or sit there...two choices. Well, with all the things in my life that suck, they're really small. I guess I just have to keep walking.