So questions arise from being dormant so long. I spent so much time in the world of warcraft that I didn't realize how far I'm drifting away from people and from God. Putting things into perspective, if you don't eat, you don't grow. And if you don't exercise, you don't get stronger. A parable about having food to eat which you do not know about, which is God's words found in the bible.

I found that so many people are growing stronger and here I am becoming weaker and weaker. I told myself that before I'd play video games, I'd at least spend some time doing what I should be doing.

Something that I compared life to in terms of world of warcraft though was that "you could be spending all your time doing a job, talking with people, and going out, but unless you take some time out to spend some time with God, then it's empty." World of warcraft can be like a part time/full time job. Basically there's a lot of work to do in that game and even though you can be doing well in the game, you might not be doing well in the real world. Think of some addicts who are playing world of warcraft all the time, yet showing up late for their jobs or even losing their jobs and friendships with people. Compare that with the real world and the spiritual world. You can be doing well in the real world, but spiritually, you might be missing the point.

I wonder if I can keep this up. Right now, I'm weak and malnourished.

Where am I going? And what will I do? I know that it's my life and I can do whatever I want with it. I can be whoever I want to be. And I can achieve almost anything I put my mind to. Which is true for everyone in this world. But it all depends on what I use my time on.

Someone once said, "Anything is possible." And I know that with God all things are possible for him who believes.

But i keep on thinking on the failures of my life and wonder if I did something wrong there. Did I not rely on God or did I not pray enough? I know that failures aren't always a bad thing, but if they bring us closer to God, then that's all that matters. You can't succeed all the time, but you must try to succeed. And failure is part of that in that you will fail from time to time, but you can't succeed unless you take a risk of failure. Someone once said that it is better to try to achieve a lofty goal and fail rather than take the easy route and succeed without much effort.

Lofty goals must be met with skill or building new skills. Time is important. And there's so little in each of our lives. First and foremost must be God and putting Him first in our time and finances. However, I wonder exactly how things will be.

I wonder exactly why I'm even here. Guess that's for me to decide.

WoW taken to another level...

What is this world coming to... article found here.

I know that times are rough for a lot of people, but it seems like this tactic done by a mother and her two sons took it to a new level.

Microsoft is sueing the party i mentioned above for making a program that would click on the other gold farmer's sites and cause them to pay 5 cents per click. While that may not seem like much, the program clicked it so much that it drove the competitors out of business. The lawsuit is for $750,000.

Lately it seems like I've been becoming more sarcastic and maybe a little more angry. Maybe it's old age and not spending enough time with God, and some things that come up now and then, but it just seems like I'm just not enjoying life at all.

I feel that life should be work and that man was made to work, but shouldn't life be fun some of the time? Maybe I need to change some things in my life and find other activities to do instead of World of Warcraft and other time sinks. World of Warcraft does feel like a job in itself as I'm always trying to earn gold to buy better gear and grinding levels for my other characters on the game. Heck, one of the ways you earn gold in the game is through your professions ingame.

Anyway whatever it is, I feel that I need to take some time off from work and relax a little bit. But as of right now, I need to stay working to keep earning money. I guess a couple of days wouldn't hurt...And I guess if i were to take some time off, I would be spending it playing video games.

I know that God has plans for all of us, but sometimes I feel that His plans don't always come through. Could be because we're not praying, listening to God, even reading His word and following Him the best we can.

I see my friends making steps to follow God closely and here I am wasting my life in this fake world. I was talking with one of my friends on the way home and I mentioned something about this guy at work and this video game and that there are real people in this world that he could talk to instead of playing this game. But sadly enough, I'm no different...

Anyway, looking around I can see greater things that I could do with my life if I followed God...but it always seems like I choose me over God. I guess Paul in his letter was right when he said that he "dies daily." Meaning that he chose God over his own will each day. I guess I need to get the right perspective in my daily walk and not so much look at what I can gain in this world, but how God can work through me to impact someone else.

Just thinking about that makes me feel even more tired. I guess if I start doing what I did before in college ministry, things will get better. I wonder what it is that God is leading me towards, but I know that God has great plans for all of us. It's a question of whether or not we follow Him.

Something that I wasn't even planning on going to

I went to the JEMS Career retreat this past weekend. Last year I couldn't go because I had to take care of the dog during that time and they didn't want people leaving the camp, so that was a no. But this year, even though I had to take care of the dog, I was allowed to go to and from camp.

The theme this year was about putting God's kingdom first in our lives and stuff related to career age people. What struck me this year was in relation to how I'm seeking God and where I'm at with my relationship with God, I found that I am pretty weak. I am not seeking God, I'm living for myself. And I'm not using what I have to glorify God.

One point that he also brought up to us was that this world will tell you that you need to do this and that in your career, but what is really important is not so much how well off you are or how good you are at your job, but seeking what God wants to do with your life.

A good quote that I took from it was, "A person who God can most use is not someone who asks God to do something according to the person's will, but finding God's will and changing their life to fit into what God tells you." That is a scary thing for me, because I found that God can ask some pretty big things. But someone told me that God will not ask you something that you cannot do with Him.

The speaker told us to go out and try to do God's will. You will fail and fail and fail, but keep trying and keep on growing. The point was not to always be successful, but to at least try to Glorify God in what you do.

Another good point he brought up was that you cannot fulfill God's will by staying in your own family and staying inside the walls of the church building. You need to go out into the world and try to find out what is God's will. I was thinking to myself, "how the heck do you do that?" And I found that there are many opportunities if I keep my eyes open. Feeding the homeless is one thing that I could get involved in and just conversations with people that I meet.

Another point that he brought up was that we are to bring before God some plan to Him if we plan on doing something. We are to try to do something for His kingdom.

He also said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. But he gave the illustration that if we take a step that not in God's direction and we keep on taking those steps, it's going to take a lot more work to get to where God wants me to be. It may only be a little off, but over a period of 20 years or so, that's a long way off.

Worship was good. It was a lot of the songs that I heard in college. The worship group looked younger than me. But I wonder if they felt that those were the songs that God was calling them to play.

Anyway, I realize how far off I am right now. I don't know how to get my life back in order except by doing the basics, which is to pray, read the bible, listen for God, and try to take some steps in doing what I think God wants me to do. I figure if I stick to those basics first, then I'll be able to get back to more advanced stuff later.

Anyway, I left my parents house a mess because I wasn't planning on going to the retreat and cleaning up this past weekend. When I went to the retreat, I cleaned up as much as I could, but the place was messy and my mom was upset. I lost it when she came up to me when I got home and pointed out all of this stuff.

I apologized later for yelling at her, but I just see that I have a lot of work to do in my spiritual life and regular life. It always seems like your family brings out the real you, the you that cannot hide behind a mask, because they know you.

I'm wondering where God is going to take me in my walk from now. I have lots of catchup to do to get back onto the narrow path. I feel that God brought me to the camp for a reason. I have been living my life for myself and not for God.

Another thing the speaker said about humility was that humility is not thinking less or yourself, meaning putting yourself down. It meant thinking of yourself less and thinking more about God and others. I hope that someday I can be humble and not think of myself all the time and think of God and other people more. But that will take a long time.

Palm Sunday

I didn't make it to church by the way. But I did make it to the puppet practice. We're doing a puppet play for Easter, so I have to be there at 9am on Saturday and Sunday. I haven't made it to church in about 4 months...

I guess it takes discipline to make it there on time and that's something that I've been lacking lately. I can't seem to force myself to just go to sleep at a reasonable time.

Anyway, our volleyball team won it's first match today. Even though we didn't win the game, it was a victory for our team.

For me though, I didn't get much sleep the previous night, so I wasn't feeling too good. All throughout the game, people kept on asking me if I was alright. One person said that I even looked green. How is that possible? Anyway, we play to have fun and that's the main reason why we are in this league.

I was getting frustrated this season at little things, because we couldn't win. Usually I don't care about these things, but for some reason, i feel that I've been changing this past year into a shallower person. That I cared more about winning than about people getting better and becoming better players and having fun. Even though my team was in it for the fun and ministry, I probably should have had my attitude changed before going into this season. So it was my fault for having the wrong attitude.

I know that God loves all people and that He wants us to be in community and love each other as He would love us. But I feel that the more and more I'm out of church, the more I'm kind of "drifting", as one person put it, out of God's love for other people.

It's the anxiety of going to church that seems to get to me. And I know that I would get over it if I went to church continually, but for some reason, I want to spend my Saturdays doing stuff that I want to do and my Sundays too. Maybe I need a schedule. Learn it, live it, love it.

Okay, so maybe I was a little upset in the last post. I know that my time in Japan was a hard experience, and I tend to put things together with my time there. Most of the time, it's the reminders of things that come to mind when at church. But then that's no excuse for not going.

Anyway, what I said may not be true about the church I used to go to, but definitely that's how I feel and that could be why I haven't been going. I keep on telling myself that if I went and got plugged back in, that I would feel comfortable again.

Anyway, I guess this won't be solved anytime soon. And I don't plan on going to another church.

What has happened in the past two years?

I remember that it was about this time in Japan when I was teaching at a school that I was saying my goodbyes and preparing to leave Japan to come back to the States. I had mixed feelings about Japan. I was bothered by the fact that people did not come talk to me personally when they had a problem with my teaching style or that they felt like they were my assistant and not the main teacher in the classroom when I was teaching. On the other hand, there were some people who I thought were really great people that I met.

I wasn't prepared to leave Japan with these bad feelings in my mind, but on the other hand, I didn't want to have to deal with these negative comments coming in that I couldn't help at all. So even though I was offered a second chance, I didn't take it.

I still have these bad feelings inside of me today, like I'm some sort of failure, because I couldn't get things right in Japan. I still haven't recovered from them. It makes me wonder why I even went there in the first place.

constantly I'm reminded of something that happened there. Even when it's not related to anything with Japan.

Anyway, I felt rejected and thrown away from the people that I had come to know for the 7 months that I stayed there. it wasn't everyone, but a lot of people.

Maybe I needed more time to get adjusted to things in the states, but over the past two years, I haven't been to church for awhile. I don't know why I don't go to church, only the fact that I'd rather be spending time by myself rather than with people. I spend time with people for 5 days a week, and on sundays I have volleyball, so that makes 6 times a week. I don't need to be reminded of how I'm not welcome, or not wanted at church. It makes me feel that sometimes things would be better off without me there. And frankly, the one time I visited church, things seemed to be just fine without me.

I'd rather not be here or there or anywhere.

I guess it's a choice to go to church and a choice to worship God. People go to church to worship God. To be in a community of love and hope and to spur one another onto love and good deeds. But when I go, I'm often reminded of how I just don't fit in anywhere. How "different" I am from the normal people of the world.

I guess I will never be normal. And the world will not change for me. The only thing for me to do is to give my concerns to God and to let Him heal things for me inside of me.

He got thrown out for using sei-oi-nage (pun intended.)

sei-oi-nage is a name for a shoulder throw in Judo. nage means throw. check out the clip on this yahoo march madness page found here.

I think that the people at that mail supply chain do not like me at all. It bothered me today. I kept on thinking about the bad looks that they gave me. But as I was thinking in the evening tonight, it really doesn't matter what they think about me. I'll just have to endure their rudeness 3 times a week.

I can't help what other people think about me. I can only help what I think about myself. I do care what people think about me, but in the long run, it doesn't matter and if people think poorly of me, then I don't have to care what they think. Why should I put so much stock into someone who doesn't even know who I am? Not to sound arrogant, but everyone in this world is great in their own way in God's eyes.

Which brings me to my next point. Even though they may treat me poorly, I won't be treating them poorly. I'll still be my polite self and regardless of whether or not they accept me, I'll move on with the rest of my day.

It seems like since I haven't been going to church and I haven't been spending that much time with God, I forgot just how much better it is to try to please God rather than men. Why do I care so much about what other people think when it won't matter in the future? What matters is God in everything.

I have to come to accept that I will never be accepted into many people's lives. I just don't know how to communicate well with speaking to others. And as much as I would like to be part of people's lives, or liked by them, it won't happen all the time. I guess that's true for a lot of people...that there are some people that we can't reach.

I know that God loves all people. And he cares for the people at that mail store. But I will never be able to really like them all that much because of how things are going. I guess just be polite and don't sweat what they throw at me. People aren't perfect and I have to accept them as they are.

Anyway, I guess I shouldn't worry too much about this mail store thing. Why should I? Why should I even care? Why do I want total strangers to like me? I guess our perceptions are skewed in the eyes of those around us. But while we cannot help what other people will think of us, we should be thankful that the God who created us loves us regardless of anything people think or say about us. And that is why I followed him so long ago. And I should make Him my first priority in my life rather than focusing on the here and now.

Life on earth is so short. Why waste it on these small things? Maybe I should focus on what God thinks and what He cares about rather than what I could get out of life. We'll see. I have decisions to make.

EMO PEOPLE REALLY PISS ME OFF!

The past seems like something that i've been haunted by. I have a good memory and I can't seem to forget things that I've done wrong. I keep on remembering things from when I was a kid, to college, to even my time in Japan. I can't seem to learn from my mistakes and move on.

Something one of my friends told me today was that I need to live in the now and forget what is behind and strain forward to what is ahead.

I wonder if I'll ever come to a resolution and make peace. I guess recent events have stirred up these old memories inside of me.

I took over a certain job from one guy who left our company. I wasn't expecting it to be too tough. Just pick up the mail 3 times a week and give it to the right people in the company.

The lady at the UPS store scolded me the first time I met her. She basically said, "YOU NEED TO COME IN AFTER 11:30! WE NEED YOU TO COME IN AFTER 11:30 SO WE CAN GET THE REST OF THE STUFF THAT'S SUPPOSED TO COME IN TODAY TO YOU." Then she added, "only if it works for you."

I don't react well to highly emotional people. In fact, that really pissed me off even though she was just trying to get me to do what she wanted me to do, which was come in at a later time. The problem is that I'm supposed to be at work at 10am.

I guess I could come in later, but it doesn't help me to get less hours in this economy and to look like a slacker when I'm supposed to lead the group. I was trying to clean up my act last week by coming in at 10am and then I get this.

I was thinking that I can't please everyone, but this still irks me. And yesterday she said that I need to come in on Friday and she just wouldn't let me get a word in. That pissed me off even more. Forget it. I'm doing what I originally planned which was come in Monday, Thursday and Friday. Only late Monday, early Thursday, and late Friday. That should be fine. If she gives me guff again, I'll just straight out tell her, "it doesn't work with my schedule."

Man, things like this really make me not want to take up this mail thing. Maybe it's time I try to gain other skills so I won't have to do this job anymore. I think that if I'm not improving, then i'm sinking, because everyone else will be gaining more skills than me in their off time.

Time to wake up early tomorrow and kick some butt at the job! I know that I can do this, and it's only IF I'm willing to do this.

Forget what is behind and strain forward to what is ahead. I know that it's going to take the right words and the right attitude to deal with this mail situation. Getting angry never really helped...except in certain times. But yeah, anger doesn't always help.

It's always strange how I remember a lot of times where I had a similar feeling when one feeling comes up. Is this normal? Anyway, if you saw me these past two days, and I didn't look so good, this is one reason why. Maybe I'm too sensitive. got to sleep

Well, it's now 2009. Seems like a lot has changed since I was in college. But then again, a lot hasn't changed. I guess I need to take things one step at a time.

Things change

For some things in my life, they haven't. A lot of my friends are growing and moving on with their lives. I know that in my life, that I need to make some changes. It all depends on me and God. If I decide to improve and work for a better future, then maybe some things will happen in my life also.

Tonight, I could help but feel like a loser. It seems like history is repeating itself again. And I'm at that age where I need to make decisions because I need to make them and not let others make them for me. I guess nobody really knows what I'm writing about, but then again, this is a public blog and why would I mention anything too detailed about my personal life.

Anyway, my friends are trying to help me and I appreciate that, but it's no good unless I try to improve. If I do nothing, it means no improvement and staying a loser.

Anyway, I feel like I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to do anything it seems like. And I escape from everything instead of going face on against those problems.

Complaining won't help anymore. And yes, this blog is getting depressing. I was at one point doing okay. But it seems like I need to get back to the basics and start doing what I used to do and not get discouraged when things don't work out.

i'm going to take my friend's advice that he gave me today. I'll update one week next sunday.

It's been a long time since I last blogged. A lot has been happening in my absence, but I figured it's all not worth mentioning...nothing really newsworthy.

I feel like a lot things are happening so much to people around my age and my siblings. I don't know how to describe it, but it seems like reality is hitting us all in different ways.

As for me, I am feeling depressed and really just not wanting to face life right now. Maybe I need a vacation or something like that. But I don't feel like it will help. Rest is not what I need right now, it's got to be something else.

This past day being Sunday, I felt like maybe I missed out on something again. I didn't make it to church for the 7th or 8th consecutive week and I can't help but feel like I'm not knowing what God has in store for me to do. I also don't want to find out.

Maybe I've forgotten a lot of what happened in college and the times of growth that I had spiritually. But as of the past two years, I've been feeling like the world is just kicking my butt and that I'm growing more and more bitter and feeling more like a loser everyday.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm trying to say, but I'm just tired of everything right now and I don't want to face anything right now. I guess i can't help what the world does. I can only help what I can do myself and try to rely on God throughout these times. It seems like the only constant that has been good in my life has been God. I guess I can't really turn to anyone else right now.

Recently I've been feeling really stupid. I'm doing alright to other people in terms of what I'm doing, but I just feel really stupid quite often. Maybe it's how old I am and how I haven't changed since I was a kid, or just the fact that I can't grasp things as quickly as others. It does take me longer to learn things, but once I got them down, I can access them pretty quickly in my memory.

I guess it will take a lot more work for me to get to where I need to be.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about the past recently. I was not doing well a long time ago in Jr. High school and High school. It really was God at work that brought me out of it. The one person I have to thank is my oldest brother who prayed for me throughout that time I was struggling and all the other people he asked to pray for me. I keep on thinking what I'm doing with my life right now and why I'm not remembering where I came from and what I've been through. I wanted to do something useful as an occupation where I could help people and change people's lives for the better. But as of right now, I'm just working and not doing very much other than my job. I know that I could do more if I got involved in church. Which brings up another thing...I went to my church retreat this past weekend.

Being at the church retreat this past weekend reminded me of how nice people at church are. I saw some old faces that I haven't seen for awhile. If only I could get up in time for church. I told myself that I would just go to church regardless of how late I am from now on. Even if church is over, I will hang out with my friends afterwards and drive up. So from now on, church every week.

Anyway, time is passing by so quickly that I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know why I'm here still and what purpose I have here. I have no direction and I guess the reason being that I haven't sought out and really prayed for direction.

anyway, I'm sounding like a broken record that has written this time and time again on this blog since 5-7 years ago. Maybe I should stop writing on this blog for awhile and start spending more time with God.

I'm sooooooorrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy

This past weekend, I saw "Wanted." Great movie. I loved watching it. There was this one scene where the main character was getting chewed out by his boss and he was having an anxiety attack. His heartbeat pumped faster and things slowed down while he apologized his voice grew deep and went in slow motion. I'm sssssoooooooorrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyy. Or so goes the scene.

Anyway, it was pretty fantastical and an entertaining movie.

Today was a craptastic day. It started out bad. I knew last night that things were going to get bad when I stayed up too late.

I woke up late....way late..and my dad came home from his golf game. He basically made me feel bad, again, for being late and also not getting the oil changed in my car. I skipped breakfast and went to work.

Work was not good as I wasn't feeling good because of not eating breakfast and just all the worries of the day ahead of me. What does everyone think of me in this new position? What am I supposed to do? What am I doing now? How am I supposed to find my guys I'm in charge of work to do? Man, I can't stand this music....etc. was going through my head that day.

Leaving for the soccer game early, I kept on thinking...what does everyone think of me showing up late and leaving early? Have I become like someone else in the company? I told myself that I don't want to be a bad example to the other workers and here I am just failing at that.

Anyway, at the soccer game, I couldn't concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing. I didn't feel good and I kept on getting distracted by what other people were talking about while I was filming. I was missing some key plays and not really doing my job all that well. I was shaky, and I was nervous and upset.

Anyway, there were a lot of worries I had today. I guess I need to learn how to deal with them and also to start the day out right. The things today are done and gone. Now I need to focus on getting my next day right.

The great thing about night and day is that each day can be different. We're told not to worry about tomorrow because each day has enough trouble of its own. And when I think about those words, I keep on thinking how I should make some time for God. I'm reminded that even though people will not like you or have problems with you, that God will always be cheering for you to do well and to do the right thing. And that there will also be a great cloud of witnesses cheering you on too.

So often I wonder why we can't get along in this world. But I know that we often come from different places and don't make connections. We don't try to make things right with others and we just view them with contempt or as a weirdo or some "other" type of person.

I know that God wants all people to come to know Him. And I guess I can't help what others do. I can talk to them, but I can't change them. I can only do what I can do with my life and my relationships with others. And if people don't like me, then that's fine. Nobody has to care about me. I guess this was a good thing to happen to me today. That I experienced such a crappy day.

It wasn't all bad. My friends were really nice to me and tried to cheer me up. I guess I could have had a better time in my time today. I could have been happier and I could have had some more joy. We all make our own sandwich right? We all make our own happy and sad times. It just depends on our outlook on life.

The story about you making your own sandwich...comes from this book about this gymnast or something like that. Anyway, it was in a movie too based upon that book.

"You complain too much. You remind me of this guy I used to work with at construction. Whenever it came to lunch time he would have this sad face and say,
'peanut butter and jelly again!? I hate peanut butter and jelly.' Everyday he would say the same thing.

Finally one day, we said to him, 'Why don't you just ask your old lady to make you something else if you hate it so much?'

He said, 'what old lady?'

You make your own sandwich in life."

Anyway, his point was that we can change things in our lives just by changing our lives in general. It's not always someone else's fault. I guess I'm making a crappy sandwich in life. Well...time to change.

So yeah, in my last post, i was a little frustrated. I think I may have thought about it too much. A simple question released a lot of what was going through my head.

Anyway, I cooled down a little bit more. I'm finding that through these days of doing the daily grind and not doing much with my life, I'm just thinking way too much.

Well, a change that happened today was that I actually went to church. I missed service though, so a majority of what happened there is absent from my memory. It was the last day of service for the youth pastor at our church. He felt God calling him elsewhere and it is a hard decision, but the church felt that he should pursue that by letting him go after about 2 years after he announced that. The youth pastor has no immediate job and will be looking for what God has in store for them.

I always enjoyed his sermons as they were challenging and true to the current days of life. He talked about 911, the talents and how it's not about the money, and how God works through so many people without us realizing it. So many others I missed though...but those three stand out.

Anyway, I will miss him. He definitely did some great work at my church and I know that he'll do great work where God has called him.

I keep on thinking about my life and how I'm missing what God has in store for me. I could be doing so much more with my life. I know that praying is a good start, but praying doesn't mean that it'll happen magically, but that I need to be alert and active for the answer to the prayer.

Anyway, it was good to be back at church, even if I missed the majority of it. I told myself that I will come every week, regardless of how late I am. That's a good habit to have and maybe I'll see more of what I'm missing these days.

It's already almost July and it has been 1 year since I came back from Japan. I kind of want to do something productive. Maybe God is messing with my internet connection as a sign to tell me to spend less time on WoW and more time doing something useful. heh. Or, it could be something else. Anyway, it has been good to spend less time on WoW. Anyway, nothing productive comes from wasting time in an alternate reality.

My question then becomes with my life, "for what purpose?"

Today, I was talking with one of my friends about life and how I feel like life is passing me by. I told him about what I could be doing with my life and what I could be focusing on. My friend has a wider scale of life than I do and he mentioned that I could be living for something bigger than myself.

That's all good and all. I used to think like that, but then it became, "how do i do that? and what bigger purpose would I be living for?" I still haven't found it yet.

So after the days I was thinking of this, I had no clue of what I would do and I needed a job, so I'm now in the working world.

I know that I should be living for God and trying to make everything count and make the most of every opportunity because the days are evil. meaning that you'll never know what happens in the future and you may never get another chance to talk with the person again.

Thinking about things, I tried to do that in college and yet I missed the point. I didn't really develop any friendships with the people that I met. I didn't really know how to. The most important thing was time and it was something that I had little of. The more I spent it with people, the less time I had to work on stuff in my studies. The more I studied the less time I had to really talk with other people.

Anyway, I don't know what the heck I'm trying to say, but I get the feeling that people think that I'm just not living for God. And I can't really communicate to others my reasons for doing things. Maybe I'm not living for God. Tell me how I can live for God and what exactly does that look like? Making it to church? yes. Praying? yes. Serving others? yes. Loving others as yourself? Yes. Loving God as your most important person in your life? yes. So what the heck am I not doing besides not making it to church?

The more I look at things, the reasons stated above are just trivial reasons. My friend would tell me that you should give your life to God and that everything you do should have a purpose. That's grand and all, but I fail to see how everything that I do, is for God. I mean, as a Christian we are God's ambassadors and we can reflect Him positively or negatively. Is that what he means? I don't think so. Maybe what he's trying to say is, your life purpose should be for Him. Does that mean your job? Does that mean, what you do after work? I know what he's saying is to glorify God in everything we do as human beings. And I know that he doesn't mean "being perfect."

What does he mean then? I know as human beings we will all make mistakes. We will all fail in some respect. We will all lose at something. But what the great thing about God is that He forgives us is we do something wrong. And as God loves us, so we should love one another.

I know that we will even fail in that too. But you've got to keep on trying.

So I know from experience that people will fail you. Just as I've failed them. But the great thing is that I've seen people take God seriously and forgive me for my failures. Not everyone though, but the few that have, I am friends with still to this day.

So what does living for God mean? What does giving your life to God mean? Well, not always putting yourself first and putting God and others first. Not meaning that you let everyone have their way with you, but really trying to do what God would do. And what does that look like? I guess I have to decide that for myself. Maybe that's what my friend was trying to hint at.

heh, man, a lot has been on my mind.

So then my next questions becomes...how do I relate that to where I'm at right now? What is it that God wants me to do?

I guess what my pastor said a long time ago..."it's not about doing all the time, but it's about being." So does it matter what I do? Yes it does. But I guess I need to be who God created me to be. And right now, I'm not who I am created to be.

What does "taking God seriously mean?" Well, I guess I have His words in a book to read. Maybe I should try to work that out into my life...and yeah...I guess I have to wrestle some more with them.

One guy wrote that we should not pray and expect God to work these things out in our lives magically if we are wanting to live out the bible. He wrote that we should be trying to figure out how we can live that out and what it looks like when we do come across that situation. I guess people do do that today.

Anyway, this probably doesn't make sense as it was just a lot of random thoughts of what was going through my head. It's still making me think a lot especially with where I could go next in terms of where I'm headed with my life.

To live one's life for God? What does that look like? And what does that mean? Things I struggled with in college and really got no direction from anybody. I think that that messed with me in terms of what I thought it looked like. And apparently to me it looks like not what you're doing all the time, but who you are. However, who you are should dictate what you do.

Anyway, nobody has given me a definite answer. And I don't think anybody can. And that is the annoying part. Because people tell me that I need to do something and nobody can help me through this. I guess wrestling is a one on one sport. And what's worse is that I always feel bad...

okay, so apparently I need to get a schedule in order...And stick to it. Okay...discipline...

Now I'm faced with a decision that could affect my next year or two. I'm not sure exactly what I should do. But if there's one thing that I've learned from my bible study was that "you should always turn to God first when making big decisions."

Everything in your life should be God centered and reflecting on this past year, I've seen that for me, it hasn't been. I've been mainly doing what I want to do. I've been goofing off, not hanging out, not making it to church, not cleaning my room or even doing what I know I should be doing in addition to those mentioned. I keep on writing about these things, but I know that I need to be responsible and reliable. I'm not able to do these thing anymore due to the fact that I keep on not forcing myself to go out and do what God would like me to do.

I know that the center of all this is spending time with God in the Bible, church, and prayer. It should be those that take up the center of my life as those will help me to have some kind of purpose here on earth. I'm thinking that maybe this is a wake up call for me to get on it and grow up.

Anyway, probably most of you out there could care less about what I decide or that I haven't been making it to church. But I know that some of you have been trying to get me to do those things. I won't say that I'm going to just up and do them spontaneously, but i'll start tonight...even though it is pretty late. I'll keep it short...for about 10 minutes. Start out small, and grow from there. (spend time with God.)

I know that God has great plans for me, but it depends on whether or not I'm listening to His direction. Maybe this was a wake up call for me...maybe God knew that I would make these choices and He's acting in my life after a period of letting me make mistakes. Whatever it is, I know that I can't do what I want to do all the time and it's going to take some sacrifice of some things for other things.

I wonder if I was meant to come to this point. Only time will tell. If I can succeed in this, then things will look better. But I guess it's starts now...and i don't know if I can do this anymore...but I'll try again and stick to it.

Anyway, nothing serious happened, but I'm just seeing that I'm going nowhere right now. And something did come up. Well, I trust that if I follow God then I'll be alright, regardless of the bad things that happen to me. This life is not the end. And there is more to this life on earth for the next life.

It's been awhile since I last posted. So what's new?

I've been playing the world of warcraft for these past 6 months. It has really sucked in a lot of my time. I've been late to work consistently because I keep on playing the game way late and I can 't get up. It has been a problem for me to wake up on time, so I'm taking a break for a week from warcraft to get myself back into the swing of things.

Speaking of swing, I started swing lessons. Just the basic class though. I really suck at it right now, but it is pretty fun. I think I will go on to the next class if they offer one. I saw one guy swing dancing tonight who was pretty good. It looked like he was pretty smooth and I'm sure that the woman dancing with him was having a lot of fun. I want to go dancing some more and learn how to be like that. heh.

Anyway, I was sure that I didn't want to do this before I signed up for lessons, but now I wish that I signed up earlier. The teachers are great and it's so much fun to be moving around and doing stuff that looks pretty cool, even though I am clumsy right now. All I can say is, man I want to get better.

It's a time in my life right now when I'm just sort of hanging around. I'm still living with my parents and I'm working a decent job. But one thing that someone told me was, "Don't get too comfortable." Things could be shaken up by mediocrity if you don't improve your life. you might get laid off, or things could change suddenly in some known area. He didn't tell me this, but I kind of got what he was trying to say. "Stay one step ahead of things so you won't get caught by surprise."

I know that things have to change in my life right now. I need to change things and right now, I'm going nowhere. I want to make some time for the things that really matter.

One reason why I'm taking a vacation from warcraft is that I've seen that there were lots of losers on warcraft. They say things like, "want to buy girls IRL," or they just say things that they wouldn't say in real life because they're anonymous on the internet with a screen name and not their real name.

One thing that comes to mind is that "a man reaps what he sows." Meaning that what you start building in your life is what you will receive in your life. It's not karma, it's not random things that you do will come back to you somehow. It's direct things you do, (what you think, what you say, what you work on, what you sin in,) those are the things that will come back to you, because you have experience in those things. There is a consequence for everything and it will affect you somehow in some way.

Right now, I know that I'm doing nothing with my life and I need to do something. If I am successful in making something good, then it will make my life happier. Right now, I need to do something to make some changes and make it to work on time, and to make myself into a better person.

Right now, this is talk...the real challenge comes in starting something and sticking to it.