Sometimes you want to complain about life, but really, the internet is not always the best place to do it. Anyway, lots of stress is building on my shoulders.

That could be why I missed church today and got 13 hours of sleep. I just kept on going back to sleep. I don't feel like getting out of bed anymore, because of all the early classes that I have to take. Really, the sooner this quarter ends, the better.

On another note, one of my friends at church doesn't even have enough money to eat. It's a good thing Evan suggested that we give him some food. I consider myself really lucky compared to one of my friends who doesn't even have enough money to eat. I complain about how cold it is in the apartment, but really, it's better than having no roof over one's head. Man, I wonder if the people before me did the same thing with using no heat...

Anyway, one positive thing that I kept thinking about this weekend was an email sent by JC to some people who were old timers, including me. He basically invited us to come to the worship night at AACF, because he and G Sak, Jon G, and Abe were giving some testimonies as to what AACF has meant to them. As some of you know, the Passion of Christ came out this past wednesday...dude, it looks pretty good, but painful.

Here's some of the email:

(JC's invitation for AACF's praise night)

Stone: Thanks. I'll go to our conference room and die now.

Reg: Passion of the Stone?...heh

Josh: you mean,
passing of the stone...?

hahahahhaah

Aquaman lives again!

Me: > Ouch, PAINFUL!!! If you've seen the movie of Gar C, you'll know
> what I mean. heh...sorry ladies

Stone: It pleases me to see that three years later, you are all still dorks.

Sorry Garrett for that comment there, but the Painful movie that you and Chong made was funny though. Oh the little things in life that give us joy!

The day is gone

Last night, I went to fellowship and came home at 3:30am. We were playing Star Wars Epic Duels after we finished up doing what was planned. All in all, it was a good night, but I paid for it today. After my parents picked me up at 11, I came home and slept till 5pm.

Man, the missions form is/was due today and I have yet to give my reference forms to the people that I have yet to ask. Plus the questions they ask kind of worry me, as my relationship with God is struggling right now. Spending time with God has become very hard because every time that I try to do that...I fall asleep. Overall, things are not looking good.

Even though things look pretty bad right now, I am still going to turn in the missions form just to see what will happen. Maybe it's not my time to go on a mission...but then again, I can't ignore what I think God is calling me to do. This journey I started 4 years ago has been crazy in some areas I took chances and risks in. But, they've all been good.

I personally think that I'm not going to be around for a long time. I don't know why exactly, but I think that maybe my future will be short for some reason. Anyway, it's only a thought, and it makes me think what I'm doing now.

I listened to a sermon by Tony Campolo from his website. Something that I've been afraid of, he spoke about. (yes, I do talk like Yoda from time to time.) But yeah, he talked about really living LIFE. A message that I heard from another guy named Brandt Luke at a retreat in 2000. Really living...I mean, really LIVING with joy and excitement, I've only experienced for a short time after I became a Christian. The school year after I became a Christian was just tough and I stopped living for awhile.

I do feel like I'm not really living life to the fullest...I'm just so busy all the time. But, one thing that stuck out to me from his sermon was that people who do not take any risks never get married and never have any friends. Playing it safe is not a way to live life. However, don't get me wrong with mistaking risks for some stupid risk. There's a difference between choosing something good and something that's just not smart to do, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I've gone on a lot of tangents right now, but the main thing is that I need to turn in my missions form as soon as possible and talk to the people that I've chosen as references.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I was thinking of going to South America for mission this summer and then to Japan? I'm not sure if this is what I should be doing, but I think that this is what I should be doing. Japan, however, I'm not so sure as to if this is what I should be doing, but we'll see what will happen. God will confirm it somehow if I should go or not...but as of right now, I'm going to pray a lot more.

kyo no kurasu (today's class)

Last night, I stayed up late working on my HW for class today. I was happy that I got it done, but not so happy that I didn't read the assignment for today. Anyway, luckily the whole class didn't read the assignment either, so we just paired up and read it on our own in class instead of reading it together as a big group. (Our class assignments have vocab. lists so we can look up the words that we don't know on those.)

The teacher is a pretty nice teacher in terms of how she grades and who she calls on to give an answer. I must admit that I misjudged her at the beginning of the school year where if we didn't do the Homework we were put in a corner behind the TV so we couldn't copy the answers. That kind of made me angry, but it was a good lesson that I need to really do my Homework and not rely on coasting by.

So, I think that she made me into a better student by that method of putting me and the other students behind the TV. I still, however haven't received my midterm yet...I think that I did kind of bad because I couldn't copy the answers from class...so that is one reason why I've picked up my HW studies.

Anyway, I think that I did pretty well in class today, despite how poor I am in Japanese compared to everyone else.

Still thinking of going to Japan. I wrote a lot in the entry before, but I figure that it was mostly me babbling. Anyway to make this concise, I am still praying about going to Japan to teach English.

One thing that Japanese people get confused with Christianity is that they think that America is a Christian nation. And that everyone here is Christian. It is true that most people consider themselves Christian. 84% said they were Christian in a poll or something like that. However, that was a poll, and the truth of the fact is that the majority of people in America are not Christian. The point is that Japanese people often get Christianity confused as a western thing. Jesus is not a western thing, but something for everyone. I really believe that, because God has been so good to me. Jesus has done a lot in my life.

Anyway, I'm still trying to digest the information that I learned at this conference. I'm not sure if I should go to Japan, but I think that I should at least try and not be caught finding that the position has already been filled.

One of my friends has been praying for direction in my life, and I'm very thankful for that. Even though this is going against my own will, I'm thinking that maybe this is what God wants me to do.

It's been a long day. I can only say that Sundays are sometimes really good, or sometimes really long. As of right now, I just want to vegge out. But it was a good sunday, and I'm still thinking about today.

Today, Pastor Kerry talked about stepping out of our circles of comfort and taking a step out of our comfort zones. He talked about how we must listen to God more than men. Peter and some other apostle were told not to teach the people about Jesus, but they said that they must obey God more than men. Check it out in Acts 5:17-42.

Anyway, he talked about how our friends or even governments might tell us not to tell people about Jesus and that we might face troubles because of obeying God and not people.

He also taught us that God uses ordinary people to do great works. People who are not perfect. In the Bible there are many examples of people who have failed in some way or another. People then are no different from people today in many respects.

Anyway, the main point that he was giving to us was that we are supposed to be reaching out to this world and forgetting the rules of this world that confine us to be for ourselves. Anyway, I'd say that this has gotten me thinking about today.

Anyway, today, one of my friends sort of got me to do something that I really didn't want to do. Drive. It was kind of inconvenient to do all these things at a certain time, and I was getting annoyed at it. Plus I think that my friend's friends didn't really like me all that much. But I guess I can't help that.

But it got me thinking about what love is all about. Despite how inconvenient some things are, sometimes you go out of your way to do something for someone else. I must admit that I am very low on that and I was kind of grumbling...but maybe this is something that was used to teach me about love.

Anyway, I felt kind of bad, because I couldn't drop them off exactly where they needed to be, but I think that it was good enough. But man, I think that I'm learning that I really don't like people telling me what to do, instead of them asking me if I'd be willing to do it. It's kind of like not giving a person a chance to say no to something.

I have a lot to work on still. I guess the way you grow is to actually be taken out of your comfort zone. Saying that doing things that seem hard or are hard will make one stronger. Being stretched to become bigger.

Down time

Had a lot of time planned to study in the library today, but ended up sleeping for the whole time there. About 4 hours sitting in a chair. Not what I planned, but maybe what I needed and not needed. The reason why I went to the library in the first place is that I have two midterms on monday, an interview on Tuesday for Japanese, and a midterm on Thursday for that class. This weekend is going to be a rough weekend in general. But hey, that's what I'm here for.

I guess if I had planned a little bit better, I could have hung out with my friends tonight.

One thing that I've been thinking about a lot lately is that I might not be so sure about going to Japan. I'm not sure if this is something that God has planned for me or not. Anyway, more praying is necessary to determine what God is trying to say to me.

Anyway, don't get me wrong, I don't hear God's voice talking to me. But the direction that I think that He wants me to take is something that I have to be aware of before I take it. Anyway, my time here at school is really telling me that maybe I'm not cut out for missions if I can't even really reach out to people here. I mean, it's not a problem to talk to people, but fear is overcoming me and I'm pretty sure that it will overcome me still if I don't deal with it now.

Things aren't so clear right now. But they will be...hopefully.

Home for a day

Man, how good it feels to sleep in my own bed. The bed I have at school is my own, but not as good as the one at home. It kind of makes me wonder if I do go to Japan what it would be like living there for 2 years.

Yeah, 2 years...I talked to my teacher today and he said that it is a 2 year commitment and available only when someone else leaves. Plus they might not be hiring anyway. Oh well, if I do go, at least I'll be at a church somewhere teaching kids English and learning Japanese too.

It will be a good experience, but I wonder if this is the right thing to do. Anyway, nothing is set in stone right now.

I still need to pray for the direction that God wants me to move.

Another thing pops into my mind, but part of me wonders if I'd be going for my personal benefit or if this is something that I could possibly do in the future. Whatever it is, it is something that I thought would be rewarding, but recently things have shown me that maybe this isn't the next step, but maybe a step further down the road. Anyway, I'm sure that nobody knows what I'm talking about right now, because I haven't told anyone about this...

Anyway, the next step must be centered around God and what He thinks is best for me. What choices I make today affect my life tomorrow.

Anyway, other events that happened was our postponed Christmas party. It was pretty cool. Lots of food, a White elephant gift exchange, and a Translation quiz of Christmas titles. Didn't get to play Star Wars Epic Duels as I'd hoped, but did come home with a full stomach. =)

Oh yeah, I highly recommend Star Wars Epic Duels to anyone. It is kind of like Chess with Star Wars Characters. A mix of a board game with character figures and cards. Check out Ebay for it as they do not sell it anymore. :( However, they do sell Transformers Armada, which is basically the same thing with Transformers Chracters and cards. You can buy that one at Toys R Us or any toy store.

Anyway, that's enough pollution for today. heh

School concert

Man, what an awesome concert! (I didn't play in it), but it was so good! The performers were really well balanced in their dynamics and just their playing styles. Not too overbearing, and not too delicate, but just right for a big concert hall. Man, it was really good!

Every time I go to a concert it makes me miss playing the piano. How many hours they put in day to day is really something. I should have majored in music also...oh well.

I'd say that the Beethoven concerto played by this Japanese woman was really intriguing. Beethoven has a way of showing his creativity and how complex his music is by making it sound really simple. Really, this is not something easy to play at all. Anyway, this concert was unusually good! Props to the musicians who played in it.

Hmm...one thing that was on my mind when I got up is that what you do should be about love and not about duty. Basically, I wrote a lot about sharing Jesus and part of what it means to be a Christian. You could do a lot of stuff because you're supposed to do, but what it really comes down to is really loving God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and loving your neighbor as yourself.

Really, love is the most important key to anything. If you do a lot of great things for other people, yet don't have love for them...what benefit is that to you? It should be the motivation that we have to do something.

Anyway, I was just thinking of this today, because I find that it is so easy to just do something in the wrong way. Don't get me wrong...love is more than a feeling and can be rendered through acts of service too. Love is not always what you feel, it is more than that.

Anyway, that's enough of this topic for now.

Sometimes, you've just got to keep moving forward despite what happens. My life seems to be taking that direction.

At Wednesday night fellowship, we talked about basically what being a Christian is about. Knowing Jesus and working to share Him with others. Basically, God is cool...right? I mean, it's cool to talk about God, but to talk about Jesus is a different story. People basically either love Jesus or hate Jesus. He is controversial. Basically it's life or death, and people don't like that.

Anyway, it reminded me of what I should be doing. Man, there's a lot I need to get back in the habit of doing again.

Basically, I am discouraged right now because of the times that I tried to share Jesus. Jesus was right when He said that He did not come to bring peace, but a sword. He is controversial, life or death.

I think that there's more to life than just going to work everyday, and just being present in things. There's more to life than just doing good things, feeling good, and even standing out among everyone else. There's more to life than what we do here on this Earth. There's more to life than all of what I've done. Basically I'm here for something, just as you are here for something.

Everything that I've lacked, I've found in Jesus. Not saying that Jesus will give you what you want all the time, but what I'm talking about is a reason for living, just the strength to get through each day, and the reason why I am not insane right now. Life is tough, and is tougher for probably most of you out there...but there are people who do have reasons for living and lives are changed for the better.

Not saying that all Christians are living this type of life, but there are some who are, and they make a difference. There is joy to be found...real and clean.

Anyway, I guess I've talked most of your ears off, but really, my life is not easy, as your's is not easy. But there is some great purpose that each of us is created for. No matter what we've done, no matter where we are, everyone has a purpose. Really, I cannot tell you all about it over a blog, because I cannot answer anyone's questions over this, but man, life IS good, even though it's filled with so many struggles.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent, but this is what I'm all about. My life was changed because of Jesus, and my goal for life...well, is to be used to impact someone else's life the way that I was changed.

Anyway, I have a long journey ahead of me still. I've been stuck here resting and trying to recover...but when it is over, I hope that I will be able to say, I've seen and have taken part of God's work through Jesus.

School is starting to pick up. I can already tell that this quarter is not going to go so well. Anyway, got to keep moving.

Man, spent a long time trying to study, but for some reason I couldn't focus at all. There's a lot on my mind right now. Anyway, maybe I just need to calm down. Anyway, here at the library hasn't been too much help...maybe I should go home and bear the cold. Anyway, got to catch my bus. Later

The Crossroads

Crossroads...was it Fletcher Henderson or Robert Johnson who sold his soul to the devil at the Crossroads? I forget. But definately the crossroads are a time where we choose where we will go and where we will end up. It is a time of decision making; a time of uncertainty or certainty; maybe a time of splitting up now; maybe a time where we meet others. Whatever it is, it is a time where the future is not yet forseen.

I find that I might be going to Japan, but I really do not know if that will be a good idea or not. Anyway, I still have to meditate on this and really think about what it is that God wants me to do.

Probably what will happen is that I will probably just forget about it until the time that I do come to the crossroads.

Anyway, the reason for the title is that I think that there is a lot of decisions that have to be made...in my life and other people's lives. I'm kind of not sure what the future will bring...But I know that both good and bad will be coming. Whatever happens, I hope that my relationship with God will remain strong throughout it all.

I've been finding lately, that the more time I spend with God throughout the week, the better my week is. In my experience, the times that I have spent with God have been the best parts of my day. Truly He is the bread of Life. For example, Christians give an example of having a hunger and thirst for God. A hunger and thirst for righteousness. It is like skipping a meal if you do not spend time with God. Application can be used like exercise...but don't take my words as being the "truth".

Anyway, it's getting late. I wrote a lot about the Bible, but decided against publishing it. I figure that I can't really have a conversation with people over the internet. It's just not the same.

Japanese...man, it's tough. But I got a conversation partner, so I hope that this will help a little bit. Anyway, back to studying.

Fellowship's Retreat

I must say that I was impressed this past weekend at the retreat. The speaker said some stuff about telling about what Jesus has done in your own life, and if you don't know Jesus, what great things have happened in your own life.

The theme of the retreat was a New Hope, taking from the Star Wars theme. This hope in Christ that we have compels us to share with others, as said in Peter. The speaker was on Fire for God and I could see the love in all the people who attended. Really, I hope that this retreat will not be just another good word that we hear, but something that nudges us into action.

I look back on my life these past few years and I know that I have been afraid of people for awhile. Afraid, scared, maybe even avoiding people. I wonder exactly how I can share the good news if I'm treating people as if I don't want to talk to them. And, it's true, that part of me doesn't want to talk to anybody. And part of me does. But still, I'm struggling in this aspect of isolating myself.

Anyway, the retreat was good, but I'm hoping that this doesn't just become another good word, but steps that I can use to step out of this hole.

Anyway, some things I will work on is prayer and taking steps in reaction to the prayers by trusting God. Don't get me wrong...sometimes God doesn't want you to do some things, but it is possible to see if He is with you or not.

Note about an earlier post. When I say that worries will go away, I meant that present worries will go away, not that worries will go away completely. Things in the present are sometimes not such a big deal in the future.

Anyway, I wrote another long section about my life, and figure that I shouldn't tell what's going on to the whole world. Some things are better kept to oneself.

Note, missed both my classes today and ended up just going to work and AACF. Man, things are not looking good so far. I'm going to have to cut some things again. Maybe AACF again. Even though it was good tonight, I might have to just focus on graduating and being able to get a job. God didn't call me to be a loser and drop all my classes. But then again, He didn't call me to stop meeting with the body of Christ either. Balance...so important, and so tough.

I wrote a long part about how I'm doing, but I feel that I should keep this to myself for now. To summarize, I've started to heal a little bit. And this is just the beginning. Doubts and worries will go away if I'm successful in this. Really, following after God was never an easy task, but something that must be done if you want to know Him.

Plans for the future might include Japan. We'll see though. There are a lot of worries, but I know that there are better plans.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 NASB

Anyway, back to HW.

School!!!

I'm almost done! Two more quarters to go, and we'll see where I go from here! From last quarter, I'm feeling really old and ready to get working. However, I know that I'm going to miss my time here on this campus. It has been a wonderful experience, even though it was grueling and I spent many late nights wondering what I was doing in school.

Last night at AACF, a speaker named Tung really reminded me of some things. "What has God done for you lately?" Do we believe in a living God? Yes. So, what has He been doing in your life? And 2nd, "Are you grateful?" "What do you remember God doing in your life when you first became a Christian?"

All I can say is that I have been very bitter about things that I cannot help and just thinking of what I am not that I want to be. Where is God in my life? I ask...I always remember that He is always with me and has been with me since the beginning. Every struggle, every joy, everything that I experience can be used for something good, no matter how bad or how hard it is. This is my hope that God loves me and will use me for something in His will because I love Him.

So, after a long period of this bitterness, I was encouraged not to worry by many things I've read and people whom I've talked to. (Don't get me wrong...I don't talk to that many people.) But the hope that there is something worth living for and some greater purpose that involves more than just me is my hope.

Anyway, things have been good lately...tough, but good. I think that depression is kicking in now that it is winter...I've been wanting to sleep throughout the middle of the day, and have been falling asleep in the library many times this past week.

Anyway, plans for the future, school, work, and just doing the necessary things of LIFE is my plans for now.

Happy New Year!!!

New Years, a time where one can start another year over again. I never really believed in only making resolutions on new years, because why only do that at new years? Why not do that when there is a need to do so?

Anyway, I made some resolutions regardless of what I just wrote. I thought that there needs to be some change in my life.

Throughout most of my day, I spent it sleeping, taking care of my business and just watching the game on TV. Anyway, now to do the more important stuff.

I've been thinking more and more about what I'm here for on this earth. Really, I don't know. But I keep coming to the commands to love God with all your heart, and will all mind, and with all your strength. And to love your neighbor as yourself.

To be honest, I don't really feel like I'm doing that very well. Loving God can be tough sometimes, especially when things don't turn out the way you'd like them to be. But even though this is true sometimes, His plans are definitely better. I've come to see that despite all this chaos, good is still present. Life doesn't always turn out the way you want it to, but that's what makes life worth living. Uncertainty, hope, and a future that lasts. Lastly, love, the most important of all.

I guess I'm kind of cryptic at times. But there is hope in the midst of all the mess that is happening...here, Iraq, even in tragedy.