I found that verse that I was talking about in the last blog. It is found here. Anyway, back to studying for finals.

Rethinking things

Sometimes I just wonder what will happen in the future. Things look so uncertain right now and I wonder if I'll go on a mission any time soon. It might not be until a couple years down the line. I might not even go to Japan for missions this fall.
When your relationship with God is not going well, how can you minister to other people? I don't know why it's not going well, but for some reason, I just wonder if i'm not doing something right. Maybe I'm not really taking chances and denying feeling comfortable. The verse comes to mind, "The one who seeks to save his life will lose it, the one who loses it for my sake (Jesus') will find it." I forget where it is, but I think it's in Luke somewhere. Anyway, for those not familiar with the bible, my interpretation of this is that Jesus is not telling us to die or forfeit your life, but rather he's telling us to live for Him (Jesus). It's kind of confusing, but basically, part of being a Christian is denying living for oneself and living for God.

Anyway, I feel like I need a vacation right now...heh. Maybe missions isn't right for me right now. I don't know.

I still have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do. And it's true for not just me, but everyone.

Anyway, regardless of what happens, I would like to serve on some kind of ministry with other believers. Maybe now's not the right timing...but I think, when will be?

The other option instead of going to Japan would be trying to find an entry level job somewhere. I really don't care right now what type of job I do...but I would like to at least do something that will last years after I'm gone. Oh well...maybe I should ask God instead of writing all this on the internet. hehe...Yeah, that would be better.

An end before the beginning?

After all that talk about missions to South America, I've decided not to go for now. As of right now, my relationship with God is not going good. I feel like maybe I blew it for this summer. Everything you do in a ministry context should be based upon God. Without the foundation, it's hard to build something.

Anyway, just lots of frustration right now as I just gave up before I even tried.

The questions on the form for the mission asked questions like, "How are your devotions?", "How do you think God is calling you to a cross cultural ministry?", "What books have you read recently?" Stuff like that which I don't have a good answer to. I feel really unprepared to go on a mission, plus I feel like would I serve any purpose there?

Anyway, the reason why I'm frustrated is that I might not ever be able to go on a mission to Brazil or any other place. I guess I just didn't want to stress out about what might lie ahead.

Plus, I'm just tired of a lot of things in my life. I need to stand up for something and not just always take in things from other people.

Things are going to change, because I'm going to change them in my life. People tell me sometimes that you need to let God change you. But, they omit what I must do to let God change me. I believe that God gave us free will to choose what we do each day. Whether we spend it well or spend it foolishly is our choice. It determines where we go and where we end up. Whether we choose to follow God today, or choose to go our own way. It's one's own choice.

Most of my life, I've been a spectator in life. A quote from my dad from his dad was, "Little kids should be seen and not heard." I can't blame my dad or my grandfather for this. I can't blame anyone for why I've been a spectator most of my life. I was raised one way, but now I have control of some parts of my life.

Anyway, the main point I don't want to waste my life anymore. I've got to take chances again, like I did before I met that one guy. Really, I'm going to do what I want to do, and not what everyone else tells me I should do. Thinking for myself, speaking for myself, responding for myself. This stage I've reached before, but have fallen down.

Today, was the last day of class for one of my Japanese classes. I came late as usual on Wednesdays. Terrible, I know.

The teacher didn't pass out class evaluations yet. I got there just a little before it.

The teacher passed them out and left, and someone made a bad comment. I didn't stand up for fear of getting shot down. However, two people did, and I really see their maturity.

It makes me wonder...if I don't stand up for what I believe in now...when will I? I'm sure that God applauded the two that stood up.

Anyway, just thought that I'd write that down before I forget.

I guess I have nothing but complaints off the top of my head right now. School is almost over for me and I could have done way better than I did. Bad use of my time, plus going to events when I didn't finish my hw. Plus my parents are getting on my case right now to do better as they probably feel that I'm wasting my time here staying an extra year.

Yeah, I stayed an extra year for personal reasons even though I didn't do so well in school...to raise my GPA and to get some extra things learned before I go off forever into the working world. Seems like nothing has changed though.

Anyway, I can honestly say that I haven't wasted my time here in college. I became a Christian here and have experienced a lot of good things and met a lot of good people. Even though my grades did pay for it I have grown a lot because of my experience here. Still, I am wasting my time here if I don't learn anything.

Anyway, just my one complaint of the day...nothing special.

We do not get everything we want in life...but hard work does pay off. And even when we work hard, we do not always get what we want. In my opinion, we always have one or more choices to make that determine where we go. We do not always know where we're headed, but that's life, what's ahead is unknown, but we're headed somewhere.

Looking back on things, I can see the clear path of what choices I made that determined where I am now. Sometimes things that I said that I'd change, haven't changed at all...and some things that I have changed have made me a better person.

We're only given so much time in life, and really, not everything matters in the bigger picture. Is not life more than food, or the clothes that we wear? (Taken a quote out of St. Matthew) The passage of Matthew 6:25-34 was the first passage that I truly ever remembered from the Bible. Check it out here. It was before I became a Christian. But it got me questioning some of the things about Christianity, because how could it say this? Anyway, reading Philip Yancey's "Reaching for an Invisible God" has helped me with some of these questions.

I learned that we expect faith in God to be something easy or full of joy all the time, or sometimes what we expect things ought to be...and when we don't experience it, we think that there's something wrong. I think that everyone who is a Christian has struggled with faith in God at some point or another. Anyway, I've gone off on another tangent. hehe. But yeah, my main point was, I've taken this journey with God for about 4 years now, and I haven't done as well as I'd like to have done, and things aren't turning out as well as I'd like them to.

But...who's fault is that? God's? No. They're mine. After all this time, people have been trying to tell me what faith is about. Don't get me wrong...it's not about doing things for God and getting bad grades...if you had been doing things for God, you would see that you can serve God through getting a good education and doing well. I think what I'm trying to say is that I've misinterpretted things based on a rudimentary knowledge of the Bible. Yeah, it's true that God provides for the birds of the air, yet our choices can destroy God's creations or help God's creations.

Our choices make a difference in how this world runs...how our lives run...where we go...what happens to others sometimes...

I've made some bad choices in the past...but I don't regret where I am now. God has been so good to me in that I am better off with Him, than without Him. Better off than before I mean. What I'm saying is, make good choices in your life. you'll be better off in the long run.

Despite what I said in the last paragraph...even if you follow God, try to make good choices, because they will affect you and others.

Sometimes you want to complain about life, but really, the internet is not always the best place to do it. Anyway, lots of stress is building on my shoulders.

That could be why I missed church today and got 13 hours of sleep. I just kept on going back to sleep. I don't feel like getting out of bed anymore, because of all the early classes that I have to take. Really, the sooner this quarter ends, the better.

On another note, one of my friends at church doesn't even have enough money to eat. It's a good thing Evan suggested that we give him some food. I consider myself really lucky compared to one of my friends who doesn't even have enough money to eat. I complain about how cold it is in the apartment, but really, it's better than having no roof over one's head. Man, I wonder if the people before me did the same thing with using no heat...

Anyway, one positive thing that I kept thinking about this weekend was an email sent by JC to some people who were old timers, including me. He basically invited us to come to the worship night at AACF, because he and G Sak, Jon G, and Abe were giving some testimonies as to what AACF has meant to them. As some of you know, the Passion of Christ came out this past wednesday...dude, it looks pretty good, but painful.

Here's some of the email:

(JC's invitation for AACF's praise night)

Stone: Thanks. I'll go to our conference room and die now.

Reg: Passion of the Stone?...heh

Josh: you mean,
passing of the stone...?

hahahahhaah

Aquaman lives again!

Me: > Ouch, PAINFUL!!! If you've seen the movie of Gar C, you'll know
> what I mean. heh...sorry ladies

Stone: It pleases me to see that three years later, you are all still dorks.

Sorry Garrett for that comment there, but the Painful movie that you and Chong made was funny though. Oh the little things in life that give us joy!

The day is gone

Last night, I went to fellowship and came home at 3:30am. We were playing Star Wars Epic Duels after we finished up doing what was planned. All in all, it was a good night, but I paid for it today. After my parents picked me up at 11, I came home and slept till 5pm.

Man, the missions form is/was due today and I have yet to give my reference forms to the people that I have yet to ask. Plus the questions they ask kind of worry me, as my relationship with God is struggling right now. Spending time with God has become very hard because every time that I try to do that...I fall asleep. Overall, things are not looking good.

Even though things look pretty bad right now, I am still going to turn in the missions form just to see what will happen. Maybe it's not my time to go on a mission...but then again, I can't ignore what I think God is calling me to do. This journey I started 4 years ago has been crazy in some areas I took chances and risks in. But, they've all been good.

I personally think that I'm not going to be around for a long time. I don't know why exactly, but I think that maybe my future will be short for some reason. Anyway, it's only a thought, and it makes me think what I'm doing now.

I listened to a sermon by Tony Campolo from his website. Something that I've been afraid of, he spoke about. (yes, I do talk like Yoda from time to time.) But yeah, he talked about really living LIFE. A message that I heard from another guy named Brandt Luke at a retreat in 2000. Really living...I mean, really LIVING with joy and excitement, I've only experienced for a short time after I became a Christian. The school year after I became a Christian was just tough and I stopped living for awhile.

I do feel like I'm not really living life to the fullest...I'm just so busy all the time. But, one thing that stuck out to me from his sermon was that people who do not take any risks never get married and never have any friends. Playing it safe is not a way to live life. However, don't get me wrong with mistaking risks for some stupid risk. There's a difference between choosing something good and something that's just not smart to do, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I've gone on a lot of tangents right now, but the main thing is that I need to turn in my missions form as soon as possible and talk to the people that I've chosen as references.

Oh yeah, did I mention that I was thinking of going to South America for mission this summer and then to Japan? I'm not sure if this is what I should be doing, but I think that this is what I should be doing. Japan, however, I'm not so sure as to if this is what I should be doing, but we'll see what will happen. God will confirm it somehow if I should go or not...but as of right now, I'm going to pray a lot more.

kyo no kurasu (today's class)

Last night, I stayed up late working on my HW for class today. I was happy that I got it done, but not so happy that I didn't read the assignment for today. Anyway, luckily the whole class didn't read the assignment either, so we just paired up and read it on our own in class instead of reading it together as a big group. (Our class assignments have vocab. lists so we can look up the words that we don't know on those.)

The teacher is a pretty nice teacher in terms of how she grades and who she calls on to give an answer. I must admit that I misjudged her at the beginning of the school year where if we didn't do the Homework we were put in a corner behind the TV so we couldn't copy the answers. That kind of made me angry, but it was a good lesson that I need to really do my Homework and not rely on coasting by.

So, I think that she made me into a better student by that method of putting me and the other students behind the TV. I still, however haven't received my midterm yet...I think that I did kind of bad because I couldn't copy the answers from class...so that is one reason why I've picked up my HW studies.

Anyway, I think that I did pretty well in class today, despite how poor I am in Japanese compared to everyone else.

Still thinking of going to Japan. I wrote a lot in the entry before, but I figure that it was mostly me babbling. Anyway to make this concise, I am still praying about going to Japan to teach English.

One thing that Japanese people get confused with Christianity is that they think that America is a Christian nation. And that everyone here is Christian. It is true that most people consider themselves Christian. 84% said they were Christian in a poll or something like that. However, that was a poll, and the truth of the fact is that the majority of people in America are not Christian. The point is that Japanese people often get Christianity confused as a western thing. Jesus is not a western thing, but something for everyone. I really believe that, because God has been so good to me. Jesus has done a lot in my life.

Anyway, I'm still trying to digest the information that I learned at this conference. I'm not sure if I should go to Japan, but I think that I should at least try and not be caught finding that the position has already been filled.

One of my friends has been praying for direction in my life, and I'm very thankful for that. Even though this is going against my own will, I'm thinking that maybe this is what God wants me to do.

It's been a long day. I can only say that Sundays are sometimes really good, or sometimes really long. As of right now, I just want to vegge out. But it was a good sunday, and I'm still thinking about today.

Today, Pastor Kerry talked about stepping out of our circles of comfort and taking a step out of our comfort zones. He talked about how we must listen to God more than men. Peter and some other apostle were told not to teach the people about Jesus, but they said that they must obey God more than men. Check it out in Acts 5:17-42.

Anyway, he talked about how our friends or even governments might tell us not to tell people about Jesus and that we might face troubles because of obeying God and not people.

He also taught us that God uses ordinary people to do great works. People who are not perfect. In the Bible there are many examples of people who have failed in some way or another. People then are no different from people today in many respects.

Anyway, the main point that he was giving to us was that we are supposed to be reaching out to this world and forgetting the rules of this world that confine us to be for ourselves. Anyway, I'd say that this has gotten me thinking about today.

Anyway, today, one of my friends sort of got me to do something that I really didn't want to do. Drive. It was kind of inconvenient to do all these things at a certain time, and I was getting annoyed at it. Plus I think that my friend's friends didn't really like me all that much. But I guess I can't help that.

But it got me thinking about what love is all about. Despite how inconvenient some things are, sometimes you go out of your way to do something for someone else. I must admit that I am very low on that and I was kind of grumbling...but maybe this is something that was used to teach me about love.

Anyway, I felt kind of bad, because I couldn't drop them off exactly where they needed to be, but I think that it was good enough. But man, I think that I'm learning that I really don't like people telling me what to do, instead of them asking me if I'd be willing to do it. It's kind of like not giving a person a chance to say no to something.

I have a lot to work on still. I guess the way you grow is to actually be taken out of your comfort zone. Saying that doing things that seem hard or are hard will make one stronger. Being stretched to become bigger.

Down time

Had a lot of time planned to study in the library today, but ended up sleeping for the whole time there. About 4 hours sitting in a chair. Not what I planned, but maybe what I needed and not needed. The reason why I went to the library in the first place is that I have two midterms on monday, an interview on Tuesday for Japanese, and a midterm on Thursday for that class. This weekend is going to be a rough weekend in general. But hey, that's what I'm here for.

I guess if I had planned a little bit better, I could have hung out with my friends tonight.

One thing that I've been thinking about a lot lately is that I might not be so sure about going to Japan. I'm not sure if this is something that God has planned for me or not. Anyway, more praying is necessary to determine what God is trying to say to me.

Anyway, don't get me wrong, I don't hear God's voice talking to me. But the direction that I think that He wants me to take is something that I have to be aware of before I take it. Anyway, my time here at school is really telling me that maybe I'm not cut out for missions if I can't even really reach out to people here. I mean, it's not a problem to talk to people, but fear is overcoming me and I'm pretty sure that it will overcome me still if I don't deal with it now.

Things aren't so clear right now. But they will be...hopefully.

Home for a day

Man, how good it feels to sleep in my own bed. The bed I have at school is my own, but not as good as the one at home. It kind of makes me wonder if I do go to Japan what it would be like living there for 2 years.

Yeah, 2 years...I talked to my teacher today and he said that it is a 2 year commitment and available only when someone else leaves. Plus they might not be hiring anyway. Oh well, if I do go, at least I'll be at a church somewhere teaching kids English and learning Japanese too.

It will be a good experience, but I wonder if this is the right thing to do. Anyway, nothing is set in stone right now.

I still need to pray for the direction that God wants me to move.

Another thing pops into my mind, but part of me wonders if I'd be going for my personal benefit or if this is something that I could possibly do in the future. Whatever it is, it is something that I thought would be rewarding, but recently things have shown me that maybe this isn't the next step, but maybe a step further down the road. Anyway, I'm sure that nobody knows what I'm talking about right now, because I haven't told anyone about this...

Anyway, the next step must be centered around God and what He thinks is best for me. What choices I make today affect my life tomorrow.

Anyway, other events that happened was our postponed Christmas party. It was pretty cool. Lots of food, a White elephant gift exchange, and a Translation quiz of Christmas titles. Didn't get to play Star Wars Epic Duels as I'd hoped, but did come home with a full stomach. =)

Oh yeah, I highly recommend Star Wars Epic Duels to anyone. It is kind of like Chess with Star Wars Characters. A mix of a board game with character figures and cards. Check out Ebay for it as they do not sell it anymore. :( However, they do sell Transformers Armada, which is basically the same thing with Transformers Chracters and cards. You can buy that one at Toys R Us or any toy store.

Anyway, that's enough pollution for today. heh

School concert

Man, what an awesome concert! (I didn't play in it), but it was so good! The performers were really well balanced in their dynamics and just their playing styles. Not too overbearing, and not too delicate, but just right for a big concert hall. Man, it was really good!

Every time I go to a concert it makes me miss playing the piano. How many hours they put in day to day is really something. I should have majored in music also...oh well.

I'd say that the Beethoven concerto played by this Japanese woman was really intriguing. Beethoven has a way of showing his creativity and how complex his music is by making it sound really simple. Really, this is not something easy to play at all. Anyway, this concert was unusually good! Props to the musicians who played in it.

Hmm...one thing that was on my mind when I got up is that what you do should be about love and not about duty. Basically, I wrote a lot about sharing Jesus and part of what it means to be a Christian. You could do a lot of stuff because you're supposed to do, but what it really comes down to is really loving God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and loving your neighbor as yourself.

Really, love is the most important key to anything. If you do a lot of great things for other people, yet don't have love for them...what benefit is that to you? It should be the motivation that we have to do something.

Anyway, I was just thinking of this today, because I find that it is so easy to just do something in the wrong way. Don't get me wrong...love is more than a feeling and can be rendered through acts of service too. Love is not always what you feel, it is more than that.

Anyway, that's enough of this topic for now.

Sometimes, you've just got to keep moving forward despite what happens. My life seems to be taking that direction.

At Wednesday night fellowship, we talked about basically what being a Christian is about. Knowing Jesus and working to share Him with others. Basically, God is cool...right? I mean, it's cool to talk about God, but to talk about Jesus is a different story. People basically either love Jesus or hate Jesus. He is controversial. Basically it's life or death, and people don't like that.

Anyway, it reminded me of what I should be doing. Man, there's a lot I need to get back in the habit of doing again.

Basically, I am discouraged right now because of the times that I tried to share Jesus. Jesus was right when He said that He did not come to bring peace, but a sword. He is controversial, life or death.

I think that there's more to life than just going to work everyday, and just being present in things. There's more to life than just doing good things, feeling good, and even standing out among everyone else. There's more to life than what we do here on this Earth. There's more to life than all of what I've done. Basically I'm here for something, just as you are here for something.

Everything that I've lacked, I've found in Jesus. Not saying that Jesus will give you what you want all the time, but what I'm talking about is a reason for living, just the strength to get through each day, and the reason why I am not insane right now. Life is tough, and is tougher for probably most of you out there...but there are people who do have reasons for living and lives are changed for the better.

Not saying that all Christians are living this type of life, but there are some who are, and they make a difference. There is joy to be found...real and clean.

Anyway, I guess I've talked most of your ears off, but really, my life is not easy, as your's is not easy. But there is some great purpose that each of us is created for. No matter what we've done, no matter where we are, everyone has a purpose. Really, I cannot tell you all about it over a blog, because I cannot answer anyone's questions over this, but man, life IS good, even though it's filled with so many struggles.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent, but this is what I'm all about. My life was changed because of Jesus, and my goal for life...well, is to be used to impact someone else's life the way that I was changed.

Anyway, I have a long journey ahead of me still. I've been stuck here resting and trying to recover...but when it is over, I hope that I will be able to say, I've seen and have taken part of God's work through Jesus.

School is starting to pick up. I can already tell that this quarter is not going to go so well. Anyway, got to keep moving.

Man, spent a long time trying to study, but for some reason I couldn't focus at all. There's a lot on my mind right now. Anyway, maybe I just need to calm down. Anyway, here at the library hasn't been too much help...maybe I should go home and bear the cold. Anyway, got to catch my bus. Later

The Crossroads

Crossroads...was it Fletcher Henderson or Robert Johnson who sold his soul to the devil at the Crossroads? I forget. But definately the crossroads are a time where we choose where we will go and where we will end up. It is a time of decision making; a time of uncertainty or certainty; maybe a time of splitting up now; maybe a time where we meet others. Whatever it is, it is a time where the future is not yet forseen.

I find that I might be going to Japan, but I really do not know if that will be a good idea or not. Anyway, I still have to meditate on this and really think about what it is that God wants me to do.

Probably what will happen is that I will probably just forget about it until the time that I do come to the crossroads.

Anyway, the reason for the title is that I think that there is a lot of decisions that have to be made...in my life and other people's lives. I'm kind of not sure what the future will bring...But I know that both good and bad will be coming. Whatever happens, I hope that my relationship with God will remain strong throughout it all.

I've been finding lately, that the more time I spend with God throughout the week, the better my week is. In my experience, the times that I have spent with God have been the best parts of my day. Truly He is the bread of Life. For example, Christians give an example of having a hunger and thirst for God. A hunger and thirst for righteousness. It is like skipping a meal if you do not spend time with God. Application can be used like exercise...but don't take my words as being the "truth".

Anyway, it's getting late. I wrote a lot about the Bible, but decided against publishing it. I figure that I can't really have a conversation with people over the internet. It's just not the same.

Japanese...man, it's tough. But I got a conversation partner, so I hope that this will help a little bit. Anyway, back to studying.

Fellowship's Retreat

I must say that I was impressed this past weekend at the retreat. The speaker said some stuff about telling about what Jesus has done in your own life, and if you don't know Jesus, what great things have happened in your own life.

The theme of the retreat was a New Hope, taking from the Star Wars theme. This hope in Christ that we have compels us to share with others, as said in Peter. The speaker was on Fire for God and I could see the love in all the people who attended. Really, I hope that this retreat will not be just another good word that we hear, but something that nudges us into action.

I look back on my life these past few years and I know that I have been afraid of people for awhile. Afraid, scared, maybe even avoiding people. I wonder exactly how I can share the good news if I'm treating people as if I don't want to talk to them. And, it's true, that part of me doesn't want to talk to anybody. And part of me does. But still, I'm struggling in this aspect of isolating myself.

Anyway, the retreat was good, but I'm hoping that this doesn't just become another good word, but steps that I can use to step out of this hole.

Anyway, some things I will work on is prayer and taking steps in reaction to the prayers by trusting God. Don't get me wrong...sometimes God doesn't want you to do some things, but it is possible to see if He is with you or not.