New Year's eve

Well, another year has passed by and I'm feeling like I've accomplished nothing. I know that that's not true, but I feel like I haven't done anything signficant; that I haven't made any impact in this world.

I guess I should stop telling myself these things and focus on the relationships that I have now and how I treat everyone, including those who I may not get along with. I feel that I do take people for granted sometimes. I think that I've been treated well that I do sometimes take things for granted. I don't realize how good people are sometimes...the people that are good to me.

I've also been on the downside for a major portion of my life. I remember not wanting to go to school, not because of homework or other school related activites, but because I dreaded how I was going to be treated each and every day. It still is a major portion of how I feel about myself from time to time, and I think that it affects me today still. But it's something that I do battle with every time I go out of my house to where other people are.

My dad gave me this tape series by Jim Rohn. It's kind of weird, but I know that some things that he says are true and some things can be interpreted in the wrong way. But because of my faith in Jesus, I know that I don't have control over all aspects of my life, but do have some control over parts of myself. For example, my way of thinking, my actions, my attitude, my self image. One thing that I took from the first two tapes is that I need to tell myself things that are positive about myself, because sometimes, when you need to hear it, nobody will tell you it. You've got to tell yourself what you know to be true. And to do it in a way that will not beat yourself down.

Right now, my season of life is probably summer. I am not in any bad situation right now, but fall is coming and winter will be here. I need to use what I have now to prepare for those times.
When I look back on this year, I see that I have spent some time with God. Maybe 3 out of 7 days I spend time with Him for about 45 minutes. But really, I need to improve a lot more in terms of consistency. I find it hard to spend time with Him when I get so busy in life. Especially this past month, I've come to realize why people don't like the holidays sometimes. It's so busy that you get drained throughout this period. It's a fun time, but I think that I really should have spent more time with God in prayer and in His word. I guess what is needed is a balance, which I've had for a short period of time, but never a long period. For me, it takes not effort. I give a lot of effort, but focus. Oh well, I'm usually going here and there, so I don't know if I'll ever get that down again. heh

I know that I need to get up and walk again. As soon as I can, to start running again. If I don't, then I'll lose more precious time. What if Jesus comes back tomorrow? I think will I be like that servant who says, "My master is taking a long time in coming." Oh well, just got to stop talking about it and start doing something.

Church

Tomorrow, they want me to read a passage of scripture for the church service. Only they want it read once in English and again in Japanese. The English part, I'm okay with. But the Japanese part, I'm having trouble. It's kind of odd reading scripture in Japanese. I don't understand most of what they're saying and I don't know how to pronounce the words correctly, so it could sound like something else. But I think that as long as I read it, that things will be alright. It's kind of interesting to read scripture in Japanese, but to read it out loud, it's painful to me. I don't read very fast or well in Japanese, but I'm sure that they'll understand.

If I really wanted to, I could learn Japanese and speak it fluently, but I guess I really don't want to, because I am not spending time learning it.

One thing that could help me is reading books or comics, because they have a lot of vocabulary and ways that people speak. If I spent more time in those, or even playing the Japanese video games and looking stuff up, I would be a lot more fluent.

I could imagine time passing by again and the Japanese language proficiency test coming up in a couple of days. I don't want to be caught unprepared again, but if I don't do something everyday, then I know that I'm not going to be ready. Oh well...I've said this many times. Am I going to continue to be a loser all my life? Or am I going to do something to act like a winner...and achieve the results that I need.

Christmas time is here...Happiness and Cheer...

Whenever I think of Christmas, I'm reminded of the Charlie Brown Christmas Album with that song. It's kind of nostalgic, but to me, it feels sad. Maybe it's the chords and the feel of the tempo, but I think that it tends to cause me to think over things a little bit from time to time.

Maybe it has nothing to do with Christmas, but just how I feel like from time to time, I'm not feeling so good.

I think that one of my friends, GC, hit the nail on the head when he talked about the holiday lonliness. I notice it at my church sometimes. I notice that some of the older people seem like they're sad or lonely. It's not only during the holidays, but I think that the holidays tend to remind them of people that have passed away or how things once were.

I can relate. I could be alone in the near future, but I guess that's why I need to always be making new friends.

Something going through my head today was, "he who has been loved little loves little." And I thought that the reverse is probably true too. "he who loves little is loved little." I guess the latter is not always true, but it does strike a chord with me. I'm not talking about anything other than friendship right now, for those who might be wondering.

Christmas Eve...

I sung in the choir. I must say that I like singing, even though my voice is fairly weak and sometimes I can't tell what I'm singing because I can't hear myself with everyone else singing along. But it was fun.

There was a message. The message was about the shepards and the town of Bethlehem. The speaker said that it could be that the shepards were the only ones up at the time of Jesus' birth that they were able to witness this great event. The main point of the message was, "are we awake?" I'm still digesting it, but I think that it has been a recurring theme all this past year in sermons and in my own personal life.

Am I awake to what God is doing? Or am I sleeping and just missing out? Indeed I am sleeping right now. I'm in a slumber as to what God's doing and how He's moving.

In this video game called "Phantom Brave," there is one character that you can recruit who is a soldier. While the other phantoms are working hard to help you out in your mana or earning you money or experience, the soldier guy always is said to be "sleeping in the sun" while you were out, or "distracted by a shiny object." Basically, what I'm saying is that he's not a very useful character. I wonder how God views my work (maybe I should say laziness?) and how I might be missing opportunities because I'm just not paying attention anymore. There are great opportunities at my workplace.

Work...
I look at see that people don't hate me at work. I think that they're getting to know me a little bit more. And I feel like they're pretty good people for the most part. I guess they could say the same thing about me. But I feel like maybe I should be praying more for my co-workers and trying to care for them and their lives. Man, that's something that I don't want to do, because it takes a lot of time. I guess I have to ask myself, is it worth it? Is it worth being rejected? Is it worth the pain? Is it worth building friendships? And if so, how am I going to make it happen? I don't know anymore. I just know that I can't do this without God and the more time I spend without Him, is more time that I'm doing things on my own.

Rest...yes...rest

For some reason, this one song keeps going through my head. It's a choir song that we're singing for Christmas eve service called Immanuel. The line that keeps going through my head is, "If God is with us, who can stand against us. Our God is with us, Immanuel."

With Christmas coming I'm not sure how to feel about it. For some reason, I've felt like I've grown up and that Christmas has become like another day. I guess I'll see how I feel when Christmas eve comes along.

Work...

They put me in a different area yesterday. I don't know why, but I think that it has to do with me not doing such a good job sometimes. I picked it up today by changing how I think a little bit and by changing my attitude. Sometimes we can prevent ourselves from doing well. I think that I'm going to try to not be so cynical and see where I go. Building myself up instead of breaking myself down.

I tried to not care so much what other people think about me and to just do what I would do because I want to do it or it's good hard work. I'm not sure where I'm going to go in this world, but I'm here right now and I don't know where I'll be going next, so I should do the best job that I can. We'll see though where I end up.

One thing that I learned yesterday is that change begins inside. We're free to do what we want and think, but our attitude that we have or use can make a big difference in how we see life. I've been so concerned with what other people think about me that I have not been who I am...who I want to be. I've let myself fall one level down and I know that I'm better than that.

One thing that I learned is that since we're given the freedom of choice, we have the freedom to choose what we become. I know from experience that what you think determines a lot about where you go. I also know that sometimes we can't help the thoughts that come to our mind, because they just come sometimes, but we can counter them. If you're having trouble, I suggest seeing professional help. But yeah, counter that thought with reality and encourage yourself to do better.

I believe that we're all capable of becoming something great. It just depends on us. If you really want to become great, then you'll have to take steps, one step at a time.

Anyway, I'm no person of great knowledge about how to become a better person, but really, it takes a long time and efforts to build yourself up and others.

I had a rough day today. I admit, it was tough. I won't tell you the details, but it goes back to way back when, and comes to now when I am still a little anti-social. You may ask how I'm anti-social...it goes like this. Sometimes I don't feel comfortable talking, so I say nothing and people interpret that in their own ways. I guess I interpret other people's actions too...

Anyway, when I think about it, it was not so bad. I think that one thing that God reminded me of is that we're all human. When I look at other people, I see people who are not so different from myself. Even though we may not be on good terms, they have the same nature as me and I the same as them. One thing that came to mind during that time was that God loves them too. And He loves me too. I guess that's why I need to try harder to make friends. And even if they don't want to be friends, then that's fine too.

I find that life is going to tough for anyone. Some will have harder cards that they're dealt, while some will get other cards which will be easier. But still, nobody considers their life easy...or so I think.

I guess I'll always struggle with my past. It is a part of who I am. But I'm learning to deal with it. I don't know what lies ahead, but I think that I will do okay, regardless of what happens. It may not be a good ending, but nobody knows what the future will bring. I just anticipate the worst sometimes. hehe.

Hmm...well...I guess what happened today is not such a big deal. But, I think that this is just a reminder that I'll always struggle with the same things. Just like an alcoholic struggles with whether or not he's going to drink for today, I struggle with stepping out of my shell and trying to make things better.

It's kind of funny though...sometimes, when we know how to make things better, we don't want to do it, because it's not something that we're good at, or for whatever reason...probably because it's not easy. But, it's necessary to step out and at least try to make things right. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But even though things may not work now, I can't give up. I think that when I do give up, then things will go downhill again, like they did today. Do what's right. Accept that you can't change everything. And also know that if you keep on doing this, then things will get better slowly over time. I'm not talking about your circumstances, but I'm talking about your character. I guess doing things doesn't change you, but the attitude behind it does.

Funny how what you believe changes how you look at things.

I kind of wonder...why is it that I believe all these negative things about myself? Why is it that I believe the negative things that people say about me from people that don't know me that well. And why is it that I have a hard time accepting good things about myself?

I am reminded each time that while we were still yet sinners, Christ died for the ungodly. Paul describes how no one will die for a righteous man, yet for a good man someone might dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us by dying for us while we were yet sinners and still are to this day.

If God can love me, a sinner, and everyone else who are sinners too, then why should I think any less of myself? I think that I dreamed that God loves all His children the same. I'm not sure if that's biblically correct, but I think that regardless of anything we've done or that people have said about anyone that God loves all people.

I think about where I fit in the grand scheme and I feel like I'm a piece of a puzzle that's off to the side; not in the right place. I'm not sure if I belong in Japan, but who knows. Not me. I guess I'm not sure if I really want to go to Japan. I've forgotten a lot about what Japan is like, but I have good memories of it. I just have bad memories of my experiences here with Japanese people. It's not really their fault either...I guess I shouldn't blame myself either.

Anyway, I don't know exactly why I had those bad experiences, only that my attitude changed after learning some things about Japan. It's not perfect as I thought is was, but I still like Japan. I don't know my attitude has a lot to do with how I see things and I think that I've become really negative for a certain period of time. But I think that things are getting better though...

I was thinking about Bible study all during work today. For some reason, that song kept going through my head. If you get the MP3/CD of "Cat and Dog Theology", then you'll know what I'm talking about. I'll call it the cat song.

Anyway, I'm seeing that I need to digest this and put it to use. Otherwise, I'll just go back to being a lazy Christian again.

One thing that kept sticking out at me was that we're here to glorify God and God's purpose for us is to glorify Him. One quote that I took was, "How can I glorify God in my job? Or when my boss talks to me in a rude manner?" Granted my bosses are great, but I should be seeking direction as to where God wants me to be and not where I think is the best place. I'm thinking that I should get a new job, but I should seek where God wants me to be. If it's here, then I will stay here until I hear otherwise.

Anyway, the author of Cat and Dog theology mentioned some things that are not good to us. In fact they're pretty bad things that could happen to us. But, he said that we should use all things, including those things for God's glory. If someone were to do that, then I'd be amazed at how strong their faith is, but I'm not sure if I could do that myself.

Anyway, I guess I need to seek direction and see how I can glorify God in my own life. "Worship is life. It is not a part of life." (Summarized by me taken from Cat and Dog theology.)

Holiday Beatdown...

Work is getting crazy. We're busy and getting busier with each passing day. I'm finding that still, there is a sense of humor that goes on at work. One guy was yelling at the top of his lungs like a sports commentator about the opposing football team beating our football team. HE...COULD....GO ...ALL...THE...WAYYYY...TOUCHDOWN!!! He got some laughs out of that. Yay! Their team wins! Our team loses! (I omitted the names...but it was funny because of the irony that might happen...)

With the holidays coming, we're definitely going to just get more and more busy. It's not a bad thing, but it's tough on the workers. Not so much for me, because I just scan all day and don't use my muscles that much, except to lift the scanner and hold it steady so it can read the barcode. I don't know if I'm going to be doing physical labor anytime soon, but who knows, they might change things around.

Japanese Language proficiency test...

I took the test yesterday and I must say that I got beatdown by that test also. They start out easy, then they get a little harder, then way harder at the end. I wasn't expecting to pass the test, because of how little time I put in for studying for it. I told myself last year that I would study everyday after the test, because I was determined to pass it this year. But that didn't happen...Why??? Procrastination. It will rule the world...someday... But seriously, I kept studying for awhile and thought, this isn't going to come for awhile, so why am I studying right now? Obviously, I forgot why I was studying.

This test is not so much a test of my ability as it is a tool for me to grow in Japanese. The test used Japanese dialogue in a lot of its questions. AKA, it used how people speak instead of just formal writing. It's useful...but, I'm finding that I have no idea how Japanese people speak sometimes. I might have to go to Japan someday. Now is not the time. But who knows what will happen in the future. I'm thinking a mission would be better than going over for a year to teach English. But who knows...I might go to Brazil if that's where I should be for the time.

I have no plans right now though.

At the test, one of my old classmates there. He's a pretty cool guy and I'm surprised that he remembered me. He didn't study for the test, because he was just trying to measure his proficiency right then. He told me that it's so easy to just watch TV when he got home from work and eat and then go to sleep. I know what he means.

One thing that he was venting was that he was asking himself, "Do I really want this? Do I really want to do this?" Obviously he does, but when it comes down to how he spent his time, he was wondering if he really wanted it. If you do want something, then you'll do everything in your power to achieve it. (Granted, I'm not talking about wanting people here. So get your minds out of there. You can't force another person to like you and sometimes it won't work. But there are lots of people out there...anyway...it's complicated...relationships...and I don't have much experience being the loner RPG gamer that I am. heh) Back to what I was talking about. If you really want something in your life, then you'll have to work for it. And I can relate to my friend in how I ask myself the same thing...do I really want it? Do I really want to be able to speak Japanese fluently? If so, then what can I do to make it happen?

I am a Japanese major and I can't speak Japanese. What does that say? It says that I just haven't been keeping up. My teachers and the material that we went over are really good, but nature has something that says, "Use it or lose it." Meaning, if you use what you know or use what you have in your own being, then you'll maintain it. Otherwise it will go away and you might have to practice some more to get to that level again. I guess I need to start running the race again...

One thing that I've been noticing about myself is that I've been degrading in a lot of ways. I can say that it's true if you don't use it, you'll lose it. I find that especially now that the Japanese language proficiency test is tomorrow, I don't think that I'm going to pass. There's just so much that I don't know that I don't deserve to pass. Even if I did pass, I don't think that I'd be confident enough to go out there and say that I'm this fluent in Japanese.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I have a lot that I need to work on. I also have to not be afraid of making mistakes and going out there and at least try to improve.

Anyway, I haven't given up yet. Must swallow my pride and try to learn by doing what I'm not good at. AKA looking like a fool. Yeah, I'm behind in some things, but if I don't go out there and try to use it, even if I do look like a fool, then I'm never going to learn. Swallow my pride and go all out. Easier said than done, but one of my former roommates said this to me. "Don't think." What I think he meant was, don't think about yourself or what you look like, just do it. Yeah...

I'm not sure if I'm going to pass, but who knows...I probably won't pass, but if you don't think that you can, you won't be able to. It'd be really weird if I do pass though...Back to studying...

Do I have a chance to pass? We'll see. I think that I won't pass this test, because I've been falling asleep while I've been studying. I've made some adjustments recently, but still, it might have been too late. Oh well...I'll study hard now. I don't deserve to pass, but I think that it will be good to take regardless.

What am I talking about? The Japanese language proficiency test. We'll see though...

I was thinking about what we heard in Bible study last night. We're going over this CD called "Cat and Dog Theology." Basically, it compares Christians with two different types of attitudes. Cat theology which is basically, "it's all about me and God is second." Or Dog theology, "It's God first and I'm second." Actually, the way it was put, Dog theology sounds more like we're not even 2nd, but I'd say that that's true that we're not that important. Don't get me wrong, we're all important to some degree, however when you think about it, in the grand scheme of things, if one of us were to die then life would still go on just fine. It may not be as good as before, but it is necessary to have change in the new generations. Sometimes, change is better than what it was like before. It just depends on the perspective of the person who's comparing.

Anyway, back to the thought of the day.

Cat and Dog theology...I'd say that I agree with the author that we're here for God's glory and God is not here for us, even though He is here for us. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that we're here to serve God and God is not here to serve us, even though He does because He is good. But yeah, when thinking about the sermon last night on my way home, I was thinking that I'm more like a cat theologian. I haven't really been thinking about God and His glory in my life. I was thinking more about where I'm headed in this life and what I'm going to do on earth. Thinking about the sermon, I found that these are really not God centered, because they're centered on me. Probably people who have been reading my blog have noticed this trend for awhile.

I'd say that what the author said in the introduction describes how I viewed Christianity. I heard it all before, but this finally made sense. I was thinking that being with God is just not going to Hell. But really, being with God means that you'll be serving Him and serving others. That will be part of what heaven is like. Kind of reminds me of doing a job, only that it will be something that will be joyful and not tedious.

Anyway, doing things for God's glory is what I should be doing. It should not be out of obligation, but out of love.

I'm finding that I know these things, yet I have to start practicing them. I'm thinking that after last night in some of my interactions, that I have to really work on my people skills. Well, enough talking about this.

Work...

Today, my supervisor actually made efforts to try to get to know me. He's a good guy and I think that I am not the easiest person to talk to sometimes...especially when I'm not feeling good. But I should really try to talk to my coworkers more often. I think that things would be a lot better at work if I made some efforts to talk to them. That's one thing that I'm going to work on this month.

I kind of wonder...what the heck am I doing on earth? I guess it's time to take control of what I do instead of letting things happen. Being active and not passive. Man, easier said than done...oh well, must remember what I'm here for...

Money cards...

Something interesting that I read today was about 7-11. In Japan, the people don't use banks and checks that often. If the bank fails, the Japanese government will not reimburse the customers like they do in the US. They don't have the same insurance. So, people use convenience stores to pay credit card bills and the like. (They pay the bills at the counter in the store with cash...or so I've been told.)

7-11 is planning to come out with a money card. It should have an IC chip in it (IC = Integrated circuit). So, you could deposit money on the card at a 7-11 store or a 7-11 atm. I'm not sure if they're going to allow it to be used at other places in Japan, but I think that they probably will. I'm not sure what the integrated circuit does in the card...

It should come out in 2007.

I still fail to see how it differs from a gift card or debit card though. I guess this is just a way to deposit money into a card without having to have a bank account. I think that since the people of Japan are not trusting of banks, that this will take off. However the article did say something about a 7-11 bank, I'm not sure if I translated that correctly...but yeah, I still don't know if Japan has a debit system yet...they didn't awhile ago, but they might now.

One of the reasons why 7-11 is coming out with a money card is that they want to cut back on small change. It probably takes up a lot of time to give change back. If you don't know, Japan's smallest paper bill is 1000 yen equivalent to $10 US. Which means all the yen up to 500 yen are coins. Anyway, I don't know if Japan has any coinstars or anything like that, but hopefully they do.

Hopefully Japan will have a universal card where they can use it for more than one store. Anyway, if you can read Japanese, the article is here

The newspaper is the Asahi Newspaper, so they have an English version too, but I'm not sure if they translated it yet. And yes, if you can read Japanese, I'm probably missing something else. I tend to get things close, but not right on. I guess that's a reason why I need to read this more and try to translate it.

I must say that I think that things went well today. I think that I still have some more growing to do. But I think that I made some good baby steps. Must take some more for the rest of the week.

I see that I have a lot of growing up to do. Why is it that I always seem to hurt the ones that I care about most and want to care about most? Why is it that I distance myself from others? Why is it that I'm just not where I want to be?

I know that answer...the answer is that it takes work, risk, and initiative. I think that anyone is capable of living a full life. Those three aren't the only things that matter in life. Really, you've got to have a heart too. And I do have a heart, but I feel that it could be better.

All the things that are going on in my life are really nothing compared to what others are going through and what others face in this world. It makes me wonder what I'm doing with my life. Am I really making things happen? Or am I letting them slip by?

One thing that I tell myself is that things could be worse. But then again, things could be better if I went in the right direction. Better how? I think that I'd be more mature. I guess things that are worth something don't come overnight. They take time, growth, effort, and care. Really growth doesn't come in one day, but over a long period. It may not be what we expect it to be, but it depends on us and God. I guess I should get going and not worry about tomorrow.

I am reminded daily that I need to be spending time with God. Lean on Him and trust in Him. Seek His kingdom first. In my good times, I forget God. In my bad times, I trust in Him. I'm seeing that I need to remember Him and trust in Him always in both good and bad. Things can be turned upside down in a moment and it's really unfair for God to be sought only when things are bad. What is that saying about this relationship?

Okay...I've lamented my worries. I guess it's no use worrying about them. No use for anybody. Just work on it and get it done. Yeah, always chip away at your work. It may not come easy, but nothing starts out easy. Everyone starts out with little or no skill. Other skills may be used for similar things which can give a person a boost in something else, but really, I should not be dismayed that I'm not good at this right now. I guess I'm retarded when it comes to relationships.

Like a muscle, it takes consistency in exercising over time to grow strong. That's true for a lot of things and a lot of people. I guess I shouldn't beat myself up, but really stop complaing and work on it. Okay...

Friday...madness

Well, I did what I said I wouldn't...I worked this past day. I was expecting a lot of work that day, but luckily we only did the urgent stuff. I'm glad that I did come in, because it was a pretty easy day compared to the rest of the regular days. I just wanted to experience what it would be like working on a day like this where there aren't too many people.

We got scones during break. They were from Starbucks and not too bad, but I wouldn't pay for them. My supervisor said that when he went in at 5 in the morning it was packed and there was a line to get to the counter. Starbucks opened at 4 today for the holiday rush. One guy at my workplace was eating a pumpkin scone which he said was one of the hottest items there. "You have to get there 20 minutes before they open to even get a chance of buying one of these."

I was going to check out some of the stores after work, but it was packed, so I just didn't bother to drive there. Seeing some of the video footage on the news, I'm glad that I worked instead of going shopping. Some people can be pretty crazy when it comes to things that they want. Especially when it's cheap.

Anyway, got home relatively early and didn't do too much. I slept for most of the evening until now and it'll be a busy day tomorrow.

I kind of think back to college when one of my friends was talking about the Simpsons. The scene had bart playing with a remote control car and he drove it past some presents and ran over a figurine of Jesus. My friend said that he thought that the Simpsons were anti-Christian because of that. But really, when I thought about it recently, Jesus is kind of taken out of the picture during Christmas in America and other places. The focus becomes more on the presents instead of what Christmas is all about...Christ being born into this world. So in a sense, what Bart did is not uncommon of what we do here.

I think that the earlier Simpsons episodes are great, because they are a Satire of America. I guess I could see why people don't like the Simpsons, but when you think about it, what the Simpsons do is what people do in this country. As Tony Campolo put it in the forward for the book "The Gospel According to the Simpsons" that the Simpsons are not Anti-Christian. They are very much Christian, but in the American sense. (I think that's the general idea...) Anyway, Tony Campolo didn't write the book, he just put a forward in the book.

Anyway, the later Simpsons episodes are just getting bad in my opinion. They don't seem like they have any point to them anymore.

Anyway, got to sleep.

I keep on thinking that people don't like me. I don't think that that's true, but I tend to think that from time to time, even though I know better.

I have to counter it by telling myself that that could be true, but I really don't know if it is. I tell myself that it's probably that they just don't know me and it is true that I don't know them, so I shouldn't worry about things like this.

Anyway, yesterday was a tough day, as I felt like things weren't going my way. But I got through it, and I was reminded that God loves each one of us. That's pretty amazing, because I keep on wondering how he could love someone like me; Someone who isn't great and makes a lot of mistakes and can't seem to get things right. I'm reminded of God through the tough times, because His greatness is shown when we're weakest. Really, everything we have is from Him, and without God, we are nothing. He keeps the universe together, He makes things work, and He made all the laws of the universe that we can't escape. It kind of awes me that Someone who is so great could love a people who are not very good at all. Me included.

Anyway, I probably should not write my thoughts about God online.

Thanksgiving...

Really, there's a lot to be thankful for. I'm most thankful that I have relationship with my Lord and Savior. None can compare to Him. I guess I shouldn't worry about the things of this world, because they will all fade away. The only things that will pass on will be God, people, and Jesus' words. I'm glad that someone told me about Jesus and that they helped me to understand.

Church yesterday...

I'm glad that I went. I was totally blessed to go. I had some good conversations, but one thing in the back of my mind is that I need to take more chances in getting something out of my mouth. The career fellowship leader was trying to talk to me, and I didn't know what to talk about, so I said nothing. Yeah, not a very good way to keep a conversation going, but yeah, sometimes I really don't know what to say. Maybe I should break out of the mold that I have been placed in. I'm not a kid anymore and I need to become an adult in mind and spirit. I can't take it easy anymore, otherwise I'll fall too far behind and maybe never grow up. heh

Back to church...the message was about what we place our foundation on. Work? Or Jesus? It can be found in verses Matthew 6:25-34. One thing that I remember from the speaker was that things can turn upside down in a moment. He told of how he was a rising star in an agency, and a week later, he caused a major foul up. He felt like he failed miserably and he felt sorry that his wife was married to him. (Maybe not too extreme, but yeah, he felt really bad.) He told of something that he thought of one day. He said that he can't explain it, but he saw a vision in Jerusalem 2000 years ago. A crowd jeering a man who had failed their expectations. He was carrying his cross up a path. Only that man wasn't Jesus, it was him, the speaker. He said that he felt like God was telling him that God knows what it's like to be in that situation. Jesus came down to earth and experienced what it is like to be human. And if the speaker couldn't trust in Jesus' love to get him through things, then what could he trust in?

I must mention here that he didn't mean to trust that Jesus would do his work for him, because obviously you have to do your own work, but he was saying that a job doesn't make your worth. All the things that the world tells you about "spending your money, because you earned it," is not exactly true for people of faith. The speaker said that really, the things that we earn are gifts from God.

Anyway, how I related that to me was that I am really getting obsessed with how much I make. I'm not making that much. I work an hourly job and get paid very little. That's why I'm worrying about money so much. But, I shouldn't worry about where I'm going to go in the future. Not saying that I shouldn't plan, but really, if I work hard and things work out, then that's good. But really, I need to find direction from God. I keep saying that I could lose my job at any time. That's true, even though I'm doing alright in my job, if the company decides to lay off workers, then I'm one of the people with the lowest seniority and would get fired towards the beginning. Anyway, I keep on wondering if I'm living my life in a way that is worthless. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, but I fail to see how I'm doing any good on this planet. Maybe I should spend more time with God...I'm not sure if I'm ready to ask where I should be though...

I guess I shoudn't worry about the future. But, I must do what I need to do to grow. I keep on wondering where I'll be in 10 years. I guess that depends on God and me.

I'm glad it's the weekend. I'm feeling like I don't know where I'm going in life.

Today, my coworkers were encouraging to me. I guess they don't hate me after all. I don't know why, but everyone was in a good mood today. Maybe it's that the Thanksgiving weekend is coming and we're all happy that we get an extra two days off. But yeah, they were great.

I'm kind of wondering if I will go to someplace on Friday at 3am and wait in line for 6 hours. Hmm...I'm not so sure about that. But yeah, it wouldn't be too much different from working at my workplace, which is in the general area. But yeah, maybe I shouldn't because I need to save money...

I'm looking forward to next week as I will only have 3 days of work! They said that we will have an opportunity to work on Friday and receive holiday pay in addition to our hours. I'm not sure if I want to do that, but I think that it might be a good thing to get some more money, even though I would miss out on standing in line for great deals. I figure that I have enough junk to hold myself for awhile so I probably won't stand in line. And I'm not sure if missing a holiday and a full night's sleep is worth an extra 27 dollars. So maybe I'll NOT go to work on Friday.

With this lack of money in my bank account, I seem to have been obsessed with how much I'm spending each day. If I had a well paying job, then I'd probably use my money less wisely on bigger and better stuff. But I've been not buying stuff that I thought was a good deal. Unless I really wanted it.

Man, what's up with buying stuff? Why do I keep on buying stuff that I don't use? I think that for me, it feels good to buy something. I now have something to add to my collection. I look for good deals, but it seems like I'll never have enough time to use all of this junk. Maybe I should sell this stuff...

I'm wondering if the wealth of stuff that I have that takes my time away from God is actually why I'm spiritually poor. I mean, why is it that the most important things in my life are put on the tail end. Maybe I've got my priorities upside down and I need to get a new perspective. Well, I could write about this all I want, but when it comes down to it, what you spend your time on and what you spend your money on are the most important things in your life. I guess I've got to stop blogging for today and get going.

Seek God's kingdom first...hmm...

Man, did I say that?

Yeah, I guess I have trouble focusing. Anyway, I think that I tend to sound like an idiot posting on this blog and granted I just write off the top of my head and don't spend too much time here. I go off on a lot of tangents and don't finish what I was saying. Bad habits from spending a lot of time in isolation I guess. I guess that's one reason why people don't like to talk to me. The other is that I'm not very good at talking either. Oh well...I guess there's nothing to do but improve. That, or just let my skills turn into dust. Which I'm not going to do.

Work...

I must say that it's getting busier, but we've been working faster. I don't know what the new manager is doing, but we're getting done earlier. I'm thinking that I need to find a new job though. I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing in the next few months of work. We'll see though.

Work overall is not bad. But it's still a good place to work, even though I wouldn't recommend it to that many people. Kind of dangerous...

I think as the weather gets colder, people tend to want to get out of there faster. They use heat, but it goes out of the warehouse fast when the doors open. Plus it's hard to heat up a warehouse anyway.

Anyway, enough blogging...got to study.