Now blogs are making money?

Hmm...there's an ad program that you can sign up for through google. By the number of clicks that people click the ads on your site is how much you'll receive in payment. Google does a search on what you wrote and posts ads related to that. I've tried something like this before and personally, I don't like stuff that I have no knowledge of what it's doing. Especially when it's on something that I might be responsible for.

Metal Gear Acid 2...

I couldn't play Metal Gear Acid 2 on my PSP. Apparently I need to update my PSP firmware past v. 1.52. I'm sure that it would work regardless of the version number, but maybe not. Anyway, I'm not sure if I really want to update my PSP version number because it seems all they do is make it harder to do cool things to your psp. Past 1.50, you can't use homebrew, but there are ways to make it so that you can downgrade your psp. However, watch out for malicious people who put out fake downgrade programs and totally ruin your psp. I still have my doubts about homebrew also...

Anyway, I've never been a big fan of pirating stuff. I figure that it hurts the industry more to pirate stuff, because a lot of work goes into creating these things. Even though they do make quite a bit of money off of producing and selling all those games and movies, people still need to be paid. And the only people who benefit from pirating games are the people who want to get someone's hard work for free. I mean, come on...would you want to work for free?

One of my friends in college was reluctant to go into computer science, because he didn't want his hard work being sold for $5 by people who hacked into the games and pirated them. Crazy stuff...

Anyway, maybe it's better that I don't go into the video game business. But I'd still like to though. It'd be cool to make a video game that really rocks! But to do that is much harder than I could imagine. I don't have the programming skills right now.

Anyway, Metal Gear Acid 2 will have to wait for a little bit.

Visiting my old college yesterday, I was reminded of how good things were back then. I was reminded of the atmosphere, the quality of many people and still some things about how I've changed since I left. It was nice to visit the old office and see some old faces. They really are great people and I know that I will miss them. I forgot what it was like to be in a college campus again.

The company that I'm at definitely has a lot of paralells of high school. It definitely has not been good for me and I am looking to get out of there. I know that I've changed because I have been working there for a year. I notice that my attitude has changed and also my work habits. But one thing that has been positive for me is that I really don't care anymore what my coworkers or anybody else thinks of me. So much crap has been thrown my way that I'm desensitized to a lot of the things that people there say or do. In a lot of ways, people are not very mature at that place. But what can you expect? Many of these people have never experienced anything else. Many have never experienced anything better. What can you expect from someone who doesn't know how good things can be?

Thinking about it today, I've found that I have lost my saltiness in my witness. Ie, my effectiveness. Salt is pretty powerful. You may say that it's just a spice, but it is a really useful spice that can cure wounds, preserve meat, add taste, and even cause people to seek water. It is very powerful indeed. But my witness has not been and thus the loss of my saltiness.

I talk about this a lot. Me not being effective. Maybe I just don't care anymore. Maybe I just don't desire to see people's lives changed for the better. I'm not talking about converting people, what I'm talking about is making a difference in people's lives. If they choose Jesus because of the impact that their life has been made better, then that's good, but it's their choice. Maybe apathy is deadly in that it focuses on onesself and leaves the rest of the world to their own doom. Anyway, I haven't shared Jesus with anybody there because of my lack of effectiveness.

Anyway, what I'm saying is that I don't know what reason I was placed here. I do know that I'd rather do something different with my life than throw boxes. Maybe that's the reason I was put here. Maybe that's the reason why I've been given this job. It's not to do something that only helps people for a week or a minute, but to rather try to see what purpose I have here. It's not to throw boxes around, but to really talk to the people and build friendships with them. And it doesn't mean that I agree with everything that they say, but to really get angry at the things that make God angry and to love the things that God loves. Heh, I wonder if I'll follow through with this. Right now, I'm tired of being a human chameleon. (I spelled chameleon wrong...doh...that's what I get for not studying more.)

I had a dream last night that I said something on this blog about some of my friends and their problems and one of my other friends caught me on it. I am glad that it was just a dream, but man, I felt really bad during that dream.

Anyway, I started practicing teaching in front of a mirror yesterday. Apparently I have some work that I need to do. I'm not really confident in how I teach others, probably from never feeling like an authority figure, even when I'm around kids. I've always felt like a kid around people and I don't really think of myself as an adult, even though I am. Maybe I haven't taken the responsibility that I need to take. Maybe I just need to take things more seriously and act like an adult. heh. Yeah, acting like an adult...hmm....I feel like a goofball most of the time. I guess I don't have to be serious all the time, but I need to be serious in the right moments.

Something that I thought about today is that I need to really think about my limits. What will I do and what will I not do. I have some things on my mind that I will not do. I also got to put some limits on myself and finish the things that I need to finish before I start to do the fun stuff. I've never really liked limits however...even though they are healthy, I've never really had any limits on myself except when I was a kid. And even then, I didn't like them.

Don't get me wrong, I do have limits in my life, it's just when other people force them upon me, then I get angry. But I understand most of the time. I guess maybe other people will understand if I impose my limits of what I will and will not do. Yeah...

Almost one year has passed...

It's almost the one year mark of when I first got this job at this warehouse. It doesn't seem that long ago, but one year has already passed by, and I didn't even notice it. Sure I noticed how warm it was in the summer and how cold it got in the fall and winter, but if you were ask me what I do each day, it'd be the same things over and over. Scan boxes, move heavy boxes with another person and load trucks. Not the most glamorous job out there, but it helped me pay the bills. I held my end of the agreement and stayed one year, now I'm not sure what I want to do.

Anyway, something going through my mind today was that I've changed quite a bit from one year ago. At first when I came to this place, I was shocked at how bad things were. People said some pretty weird and bad things and I was pretty shocked at those things, but now I find myself thinking those words from time to time. I guess it's not that bad, but I found that this place has had an effect on me.

Last night was the birthday of one of our friends. Well, maybe not the exact birthday, but we celebrated and got together with him. I must say that some of the things that I said were kind of weird and usually I wouldn't find myself saying those things or even laughing at those things that were mean, but I did. I kind of wonder if I had a stronger identity in Christ, would I actually do the opposite of what I did last night. I'm finding that it takes a lot of upkeep to keep oneself from falling down. And even that is not much upkeep, but I still don't do it.

I do see that things have changed and I have changed. I wonder exactly if I decided to work at the import company, would I be any better? It seemed like people weren't happy at that job either. Plus I wasn't offered a job there, but I could have pursued other jobs in the field. As of right now, I don't know what I should have done. I probably should have put the job that I applied to first on hold and went on the mission to Brazil. I'm seeing that I am really worrying about nothing. All these decisions that I worried about turned out alright. It wasn't the easiest time to go through, but things worked out in the decisions that I made instead of just sitting there doing nothing.

Anyway, a job is just a job to do. It may give some meaning to one's life, but really there's more to life than collecting a paycheck. I'm still debating on what I want to do in my life.

Community

The world is dark. I was detached from the world before I went into the work place, but after spending time around people whom I usually wouldn't talk to, I've found that there are a lot of people out there that are way different from me. And that there are misunderstandings because of our differences. But I think that regardless of our differences, we work together alright and we don't have any grudges against one another. I kind of wonder where the love is in my own life and relationships with my coworkers. I don't feel that I love them with the same love as Christ has for them.

I've said that everyone is special, but I've really become detached because of this job and just all the crap that goes on there. I guess I can't blame the job, because I should find a new job if I don't like this place. And I will.

I keep on looking for new things to buy and I think...I really don't have time to play all these games or watch all these movies. Man, I think...how much money am I spending? I decided to keep all my receits in an envelop and check it at the end of each month to see how much money I'm spending and how much of it is useful.

I see that the majority of what I spend is on gas. I guess that's not a bad thing. But I need to start saving up more money. Someone said that I should start saving up for a house. heh. I'm thinking that I need to start saving up money so I will have a place to live and enough to eat if my parents move. It seems like people are moving forward with their lives. I guess I need to get my act together and make progress. We'll see how well I do.

Wandering...aimlessly

I applied to an English teaching company in Japan and will have an interview pretty soon. I don't know what to expect...not in terms of the interview itself, but what to expect if I will be chosen or not. I mean, even though I am Japanese American, Japan is still a foreign country to me. I don't know how I'll adjust to the new environment and I am expecting culture shock in 6 months of being there. If I don't prepare for the interview then I won't have to worry about that, but I'm not sure exactly what my reasoning would be to go into this job for.

The job would be mainly teaching kids basic English skills. For some reason, I feel uneasy around kids. I feel like I'm afraid that they'll think I'm weird or some bad teacher. I'm also afraid that I'll say something wrong or cause a kid to feel bad about English that they'll not want to study it. There's a lot of responsiblity in teaching children. There's also a lot of work involved in helping them to understand and finding ways for them to participate in the learning lessons. I wonder if I have any business in teaching children. I guess we'll all have our difficulties in teaching...but I can't help but wonder if everyone is "right" about me.

I tend to think that other people "think" things about me, when in reality I don't know if they think that or not. But I feel like people are saying stuff about me, when in reality I don't know if they are or not. I just know that I always tend to do something wrong that causes people to not talk to me anymore. Maybe I'm not interesting enough or maybe I'm causing people to not want to be around me, but I feel like there's something happening and I'm not aware of it. Maybe it's all in my imagination.

I don't know what is in my future, but I know that I have to keep on moving or else I'll be at this specific job I'm at now for another year. I kind of think that God might want me at this job for another year, but I don't know if I can take this for another year. The hours are killing me and I'm not able to go to a whole lot of things that go on outside of the job. I think my not showing up has been one of the factors of why people don't invite me to some things anymore. But then again, there have been times where I was invited and I said no, because I felt anti social. Yeah, too much video games. That could be one reason why I'm so tired all the time. Staying up too late playing Magna Carta Tears of Blood, or Radiata Stories, or Dragon Quest VIII. Yes, I'm playing all those games in addition to some other PS1 games that I haven't finished yet. Man, I've got to stop buying games. Ebay has really increased my game collection! Heh, I went from job to games. heh. Hmm...maybe I should find a job that deals with games.


Anyway, I wonder exactly where I'm going in life. Maybe it's nowhere. Maybe I'll be destined to be a loser my whole life. nah. It seems like a lot of people I know are making progress in their life. But me, I'm not. I think regardless of whether or not you make progress in a job, the most important thing is that you make progress with your relationship with God if you're Christian. And right now, I am not doing that. I've been really lazy because I've been playing so many video games after work. I guess I need to get back into the habit of doing the right things again. Maybe then, I'll move forward.

Work...

I work with a guy who I found out is Christian. He's a pretty cool guy, but I find that I'm getting really angry at him from time to time. It's not his fault though, but I think it's moreso my failings at my workplace from being tired and that I'm blaming him for my mistakes. It's so easy to say that someone else is the problem, when in reality, I need to get my act together and get my life in order.

Life...in the past...

I used to think that the whole world was the problem. Everything went wrong for me. Everything hurt me. But it wasn't the world that was the problem. It was what I was doing and saying that caused things to go wrong and things to hurt me. Don't get me wrong...not everything is your fault...those of you who are reading. But for me, I was the problem, not the world. I'm just glad that I have help now. And that I received help in the past from some key people. Not everyone knows how to help someone else and sometimes it's beyond our knowhow to help someone. We could cause someone else to feel worse. That's why if things get too bad, then see professional help or if someone you know is doing really bad then you might suggest to them (not in a condescending way, but in a loving way,) that they seek help from someone trained to help people to get better. But somewhere down the line, the person who is seeking help must want to get better. It may not come immediately, it may take years, but that person has to humble himself/herself and ask what he/she can do to get better and be willing to do it. It's not necessarily "doing" that makes the person better...it's kind of like a process. But if someone is there walking with you, and they have the correct perspectives, then it can really help the person needing help. That's why pros are important and that's why they go to school...because there has been a long line of documentations of success stories of what worked and what didn't work. Not saying that it'll work all the time...but yeah, there's a better chance.

Anyway, I've babbled on and on about this. People could care less about what happened in the past sometimes. Not everyone has time to hear it and not everyone wants to hear it. But really, healing needs to happen and sometimes a professional can help.

Back to my life...

I've found that I have a lot of wounds that are still not healed and they affect things today. I really don't know if it's possible to heal them. I know that God can do that, but I'm reluctant to ask Him. Guilt stains my inner being. I hold onto it, because I feel that if I keep this, then I won't hurt other people as I did before. But then it hurts me and strains my friendships. Endless cycle, maybe. The obvious answer is to let it go and to find a way to make things right. Maybe I should pray for healing.

Heh, it reminds me of an Adam Sandler movie where he goes back to school...I think it was "Billy Madison". He was made to feel bad about himself and he remembered some people that he made fun of back in the day. He called this one guy up and apologized for what he did so long ago and then the guy said that "it's alright. Thank you for calling." Then he scratched Billy off his hit list.

There's lots of bad memories in my life. But one thing that I'm glad is that God is there, and He knows everything. I guess I've got to forgive and forgive myself. Sometimes it's not possible to make everything right. (Maybe that's my lack of faith.) I feel that things won't be the way that I want them to be, and I'm okay with that. Not saying that my way is right, but saying that separation maybe better for them and me.



Anyway, I wrote a lot of stuff.

I beat Metal Gear Acid recently. It is a pretty good game in my opinion. It's not for everybody though, because it's more tactical than action packed. But I like games where there's more strategy involved.

Anyway, there's a lot of twists and turns in the game, but lets just say that it was pretty weird at times. Hmm...I kind of wonder if all the other games were like that. I haven't beaten any other game of Metal gear except this one.

Anyway, the 2nd MGA has already come out and I'm planning to pick that up as well. We'll see if the improved gameplay is any better than the first one.

Yeah, I was pissed off. Many bad things happened today. Also this past weekend too. But I think that I tend to focus on the bad things more than the good. Sometimes even little things can start to bug me. Especially if a lot of them happen at once. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't let minor things bother me that much because there are worse things that could happen.

I was late to work today. I got a call saying that the person that I was supposed to pick up called and said that I didn't show up. I was still sleeping when they called. So that's why I'm up now...I went to sleep earlier and I'm going to stay up for the rest of the night so I don't miss tomorrow.

I felt so bad today and a whole bunch of things compounded on each other to really make me so angry. I tend to get lost in my thoughts from time to time and I was remembering a whole lot of bad things that happened recently. Most of them were minor, but it just really bugged me. I guess I've got to let these things go and move on. Leave them at work and in the past. Why carry these things on my shoulders?

Anyway, I keep on thinking, "Why am I here?" "What purpose do I have on this earth?" "Am I doing anything right?" I don't know. And frankly, I won't know until I see the results.

Well enough about the negative.

I'm reminded that even though people may not see it, God loves the world and its people. Even though people may not like each other or even hate each other, God desires for us to be at peace with one another. Or at least I think so...given the verse, "If anyone says, I love God yet hates his brother he is a liar, because one cannot love God whom he has not seen if he doesn't love his brother whom he has seen." I think that is in the book 1 John somewhere. Not the gospel of John, but the letter of John to a church. I'm reminded that I really need to try to love those who don't like me or even may be angry at me. I'm reminded that I need to forgive others as Christ forgave me. And I'm reminded that I should at least try to make things right...but I know that it's not always possible for me alone. If it's not possible for me alone, I need to pray because all things are possible through God. Not saying that God will give you everything that you want, but saying that He can make things right, even though it may not be what you expect it to be.

Anyway, I don't know why I have a blog in the first place. But I like to write, even if it's just off the top of my head. Maybe I do this for my own sanity.

Yeah, like I really want to tell the whole world what's going on in my life. Probably most of you think I'm an idiot or not that smart. I could care less. I don't even know why I blog at all and I'm considering just getting rid of this thing.

What good has it done for anybody? What good has it done for me? I feel that this has damaged me and my relationships more than helped it. Maybe I'm too honest for my own good and people misinterpret that in their own way. All I know is that I'd rather be not known by people rather than people thinking that they know me without even talking to me.

I AM alone. And I feel that there's better things that I could do with my time than blog. Why do people blog anyway? To get comments or feedback? Or those little coins on Xanga? Unlike another friend of mine whom I respect, I don't really write anything about making society better. I used to write spiritual things on my blog, but really, I don't know who reads this and what they will use it for. Some of the best things in life can become perverted to fit other people's agendas.

Anyway, I'd rather remain anonymous than judged by the whole world.

Bruce Lee said something that a psychologist once said.

It went something like this...this is not exact.

"I am me and you are you.
I have my separate life and y0u have yours.
If our paths meet, it is a beautiful thing,
But we each leave and go our separate ways."

Anyway, I'm going my own now.

One week of solitude except for work. And no, there won't be any parties at my house. haha. I guess I can either catch up on my hw or catch up on my video games. Either one...hmm....

Okay, it seems like I have a problem saving up money that I have in my checking account. I think the answer is to go back to putting two paychecks in my savings and two in my checking. I owe my mom money and I owe someone else money too. I guess I should save my refund and pay back my debts. It's only decent to pay back what you owe.

I broke down and bought a Japanese playstation 2. A website called www.yesasia.com sells asian goods for a reasonable price. But they're encoded with the original region codes, so you might not be able to play the DVDs or games. But yeah, just looking at how much I spent on that, it's crazy that I would spend that much on something that will go down in price later on. Especially when the PS3 comes out.

Anyway, buying from this site is always a risk, because you'll never know if it will come damaged in the mail or not. But we'll see. It may come damaged or not. I might have just wasted my money. But if not, then I'll buy some more goods from there again. Anyway, it's probably best to use paypal on that site.

I'm thinking that I need to find a new job, so I can save up more money. But then I think...what do I want to do in life? I don't know. I guess we'll see what happens with this next opportunity that is coming up. Yeah, I applied to something. But we'll see if they like me or not. Who knows...

Okay, well that's enough babbling for one day.

Today, I felt more comfortable at work. People were joking around and it was an all around good day for the workers. I think that management gets kind of frantic when we don't meet a good number per hour, because they get yelled at or something. But they're not hard on us, they just tell us to get to work.

Anyway, it was kind of hard to get to work, because I was laughing. I had a good day today, but I felt kind of useless at times. I should try to learn how to work hard while not being so serious. But it's kind of hard, because I tend to relax when I'm laughing and I tense up when I'm serious. Sort of opposites.

I'm wondering exactly where I fit in the larger scheme though. I'm wondering what I'm doing here at this company. Lately, I've been seeing this as only a job and only that. I've neglected to reach out to my coworkers and I can see where the relationships are fading in terms of me and them.

Anyway, I don't know how much longer I'll be at this job, but I do think that there are some good things that I've learned from it. I've learned again and again that people are people no matter where you go. I've said this to someone else before that "people are people", but I've come to understand it from the other person's point of view when the people don't like you. But I've learned that it's not necessarily that people don't "like" me per se, but moreso that people don't "know" me. And I haven't done much to make myself known or to give them an idea of who I am. People know me as someone silent, but they don't know...me. I haven't unleashed the beast. heh, I wouldn't go that far, but I'd say that I haven't been participating in certain things.

Anyway, I'll end here, because I put this on hold and forgot what I was writing about.

When it comes to focusing on the important things in a conversation, I'm a total space case. I tend to go off on tangents for some reason.

Anyway, today I was talking to someone at work and when I was talking, my points were going here and there. I didn't mean for it to be so random, but the way that my sentences came out I meant different things than what they thought I was saying. Hmm..I guess I need to focus on one point and only focus on that when I'm talking. Sounds kind of boring, but I think that's how most people talk. They usually have a topic and talk about the topic. While in my case, I just tend to go on different points about the topic, but people think that I'm still talking about the first point. Hmm...maybe I should work on my speaking ability some more.

Hmm...yeah...that could be one reason why people don't like talking to me. heh

Crazy last week...

My week wasn't so crazy, but one thing about it was. When I was driving to go pick up someone late at night, there was this blockade of police cars blocking my way there. I stop thinking that there's nothing serious that happened. The last time there was a blockade of police cars was around this time when I was going to work and it was just because they were pulling over someone. The car in front of me makes a u turn and I pull up a little closer to see what happened. Apparently there was smoke coming from this car turned on its side. A policeman is scrambling back to his car and runs back to the car on its side.

I thought, "this looks serious." I make a u turn and go a different route. A fire truck is coming along with another police car going down the next street at the intersection...probably so that the blockade doesn't have to move and they can get to the car on the other side.

I pick up my friend and tell him about it. We go to work.

Today, he told me that he got a phone call from his girlfriend saying that so and so, his friend, died. The car that I saw had his friend inside of it. Apparently he was trying to run away from a cop in his car and was going too fast on the turn. It was just a little before I got there. I'm glad that I was late, or else I might have been hurt or worse yet...dead.

Anyway, I guess I have to be careful when driving around at night. I wonder if he was speeding and was trying to get away just because of the fear of getting a speeding ticket. It's really tragic, because this guy was only like around 18-19 years old.

As I drove by the same area today, I saw a whole bunch of candles lit in the exact spot where I saw the overturned car. Crazy...

I guess it's really fragile. Life that is. Anybody could be here one moment and the next be taken away. I feel sorry for the guy who died. I'm also happy that I was late and didn't have to witness that or be part of that. It's crazy that the guy that I was picking up was a friend of the guy who died.

I don't know what to say.

Today I was reminded that God loves all people. A medical mission team sent from our church went to an Asian country. Hearing some of the testimonies from the people that went was really encouraging. I don't want to write too much, because I'm going to go to sleep soon, but I thought that here is one example of God reaching other people. It was good to hear the heart that the missionaries have for the people that they outreached to.

It makes me think about my own walk and where I'm at now. One thing that someone said to me today was that, "you have to experience God here first, before you go out." While I do agree with that statement, I wonder exactly if I will ever go out. Is it true? I'd say that with this class that I'm taking that one point comes to mind. "If you can't reach people of your own culture, or even people in your own family, then what makes you think that you can reach people of another culture?" So I guess in a sense, it is. It's so much harder to reach people of a different culture, because there are a lot of things different. It's not a bad thing, but it does present a barrier if you don't understand their culture, or how things are presented or passed down, etc.

Anyway, I wonder exactly where I'm headed. Where am I headed to? I really don't know where I'm going. What I do know is that I'm not doing what I should be doing. I'm thinking that what that person said today is true. It has to start here in my heart with God in a relationship, before it can go out and reach the nations. If I don't have that, then why would I think that I'd be anymore effective than I am now in my own country?

Work went okay today. It started out good, but at the end, we got killed on one belt. I was on that belt at the end of the day.

We were heavy today, which is not something that anybody wants to hear. When we were finished at the unload, I went to load trucks. Man, there was so much crap outside of that truck. Plus there was a lot of crap inside of that truck too. It was all mixed together on the outside, so I did the best I could and tried to get all the nose packages in first, but had to get some of the rear packages in too so I could make some progress.

Well, I think that people could tell that I was frustrated. I was working slower because I had to manuever around packages all over the car. I don't know how we got them all in there, but they all fit right up to the back. I don't think that the driver is going to be happy with this load, but then again, all he needs to do is deliver it. Which might involve him making some backtracking trips. But other than that, I'd say that the day went well.

Seeing what the drivers have to put up with everyday, I'm thinking that I don't want to advance in this company. Even though they start out at $17.50 an hour, it'd take me around 2-5 years to get promoted to that, which I'm not willing to do. I'd say however that this company is good for those who don't have a college education. It provides opportunities for people who are hardworking, yet don't have a degree. It's hard work though, and I wouldn't recommend this job to everyone. But it does have its good points about it.

I really think that I could do better than this job, but for now, I'm using this job as a way to earn money so that I'm not going to be left out to dry. I guess that's one reason why I should be saving up money.

Money...

I know that I shouldn't be motivated to action by guilt, but motivated to action by love. Sometimes I feel that I lack that. My heart seems like it lacks that and I end up doing things because I know that it will help someone else out, yet there's something missing inside. I guess I should spend more time with God. Yeah, that'd be good. heh.

Some thoughts about life

The past few weeks, I've been having a pity party. I've been thinking that I'm such a loser. A lot of things have been contributing to this, but this past Saturday I was reminded that God loves me regardless of what I do as a job. He loves regardless of what other people may think about me. He loves me regardless of my fears and what I don't do as a result.

I've been feeling pretty bad at work, but then I was reminded that I make my own time there. I can choose to feel depressed or I can work to make myself better. I know how to make myself better, because I've gotten there before. I know how to get there, I'm just lazy in getting there. Anyway, things have been getting better the past couple of days since I snapped out of this funk. I really don't care what other people think anymore. I can focus on liking myself as who I am and not worry so much about whether or not people like me or even accept me. Highly idealistic right now, but I'm hoping to make this a reality in my life again.

One thing that one person told me is that it's not about avoiding feeling bad. What it's about is bouncing back and getting back to feeling good about yourself. So how that relates to me is that I know that bad times will come. I expect them to come. And when they do come, I shouldn't stay down in a depression, but learn to bounce back. I've had to catch myself a couple of times when I stopped bouncing back to where I was before. I'm thinking that I need to work on this some more.

Anyway, I can't do this alone and I don't expect to do this alone. The one person that I've always depended on is God alone. He understands everything that I go through. And even though I've turned away from Him for a little bit, I'm starting to get back into the better habits. Yeah, God has been the only person that I could turn to in everything. And I really should treat Him better than I do now. And I should really listen and obey, even if it's hard. The alternative to doing that is following my own desires again and falling back into that funk. Hmm...I guess I'll always wrestle with this.

Anyway, that's the update on my life.

Pipe Dreams

I'm wondering if I really want to be a translator, or if this is some pipe dream of mine that will never come to pass because I'm not serious about being one.

I don't know. I think that it would be a really good job for me, but I wonder if I'd go crazy doing it. I guess that's one thing that I need to consider. If I could handle being a translator by doing a whole bunch of work by myself, or if I could handle the fast paced environment of being a tsuyaku translator (an interpreter). This is all dreams right now, and it may never come to pass.

I guess I need to make time for something. What am I going to do? I think that I'll play video games with my Japanese playstation. That way, I'll get a feel of how people talk and how people test my understanding of the basic Japanese spoken dialogue. I don't have access to dramas anymore, so I guess I'll have to find a place where I can download them, or buy them. Maybe Japanese movies are the way to go.

Hmm...I've never actually understood what a "Pipe Dream" is. I only remember a video game resembling that. I think what it is is that it's something that is a big dream, but not easy to do. I guess I dream small when I think big. But it's my life, and I'm not looking for fame. I'd like to have enough money to eat and play video games. I kind of wonder if I'd be able to work in a video game field translating. That's what I'd like to do the most. But really, my Japanese is not fluent right now and there's a lot that I don't know. I guess self study is the way and actually going to Japan someday. When will that happen...I'm not sure with my complications in life.

Thoughts...

I think that God is showing me that some things that I held onto dearly aren't so important after all. I knew that before, but didn't want to let it go. What I learned today is that I need to seek first the kingdom of God before anything else. Before I do anything or give anything, I need to seek first God and His Kingdom. Really, that's what matters most. God and people. Man, so simple, yet so hard to focus on only these. I'm not saying that nothing else is important, or that you should give up everything you have, but what I am saying is that these two are the most important there are. These two matter most to God. That you love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and that you love your neighbor as yourself. I kind of think that God is really practical. So simple, yet so deep. The video games that I have only have one face to them. While God and people have so many different characteristics to them.

Real life...man...to me this is like turning my whole world upside down. hehe. But I've been focusing on the wrong thing.

I haven't written consistently for awhile. I've been reluctant to share my feelings online, because many people don't know me and some who do know me might know what I'm talking about. But I think that it has been a good time of just thinking through things for awhile.

Lent

It is now the Lent season. I wonder each year why is it that I do this? Why do I break my routine and do this? Am I doing it for God? Or am I doing it just to fast. I'd like to think that I'm doing this for God, but really, I think that I have a habit of doing this for myself. Someone once said that Lent consists of doing something with the time that you now have instead of doing without something. What I interpret this as is spending time with God and reading His Word. Hopefully my relationship with Him will grow stronger and that I'd really grow in love for God. But we'll see how well I can stay focused.

This year, I'm fasting coffee and one other thing which may seem kind of ridiculous. I tend to look for deals online when I get home from work and that takes about one to two hours of my day. I spent so much time looking for deals that I ended up losing a lot of the best hours of my day. So I decided to not search online unless I know exactly what it is that I want to buy. I'm not going to look through the ads that I'm sent every other day on my email.

Work...

Work seems to be going good for the moment. I got sent down to a belt today to help out. Apparently one of the guys felt sick during the middle of the shift and a lot of things got piled up outside of the trucks that he was supposed to load. He came back after he threw up, which was one hour before the shift ended. heh. It's all good though. He's a good worker and everyone will forget this in the near future. Everyday at this company seems like it's the same thing over and over again.

There were a lot of late trains this past week, so we were heavy today. We are usually heavy on Mondays, because shipments over the weekend come in and we have multiple days that we have to catch up on. Well, I guess it's only Saturday and Sunday. And I guess it's not that bad either.

I'm getting along with the people at work. I don't talk to them that much though and they don't bother me. I'm not sure what to talk to them about. Maybe I should take a risk and see what conversations could come up. But then again, it seems like they all are listening to some of the other guys' conversations.

Nothing interesting today...yeah.