Church...not visited for a month

Okay, so it's not that much different than when I was back in the States. But yesterday, I got a package of CDs of the sermons for the past month from my home church. I never knew how much I was missing until I didn't have it anymore. Listening to the cds, I found that there's so much that I forgot in a month.

Really, God is the God of the broken, poor, weak, and humble. In Japan, it seems like there's so many people full of great character. There are so many people trying to earn a better life here. What I'm seeing is that no matter how much you do or how much you deserve, you cannot earn the gift of LIFE.

It's so easy to get swept away in how everyone else is and forget what really matters most in life. God is definitely good...and even though He is so good, it's so easy to forget.

It's like there's a party in my mouth and EVERYONE's invited!!!

I bought some cacao in a carton. i thought that it would be something like Chocolate milk, but man, this is so much better! One sip and I thought, man, this is good stuff. This is better than coffee! Hmmm...then I think what Chocolate actually does. And I think...yeah, that's probably why.

It's been awhile since I posted. I've been sleepy for the most part. What else is new? Anyway, I'm wondering how long I'll be at this job. I don't know if I'm going to get canned after 3 months, or if I'll be able to be successful. And even if I am successful, I don't know if I'll be able to stay here because of complications. But I wonder, why am I in Japan? Why did I decide to leave my home country and move to a foreign land? Because of a job? I don't know what I was thinking. But I'm here and it's not too bad, but still, it's tougher than I thought.

I find that I still have a long way to go as a teacher. Man, it's a big change from the other job that I had. Oh man...

Okami

I heard good things about this game from someone who owns a Japanese PS2. It came out around a year ago in Japan and is making its release in the States. It's like the Zelda of the PS2, if you don't count Dark Cloud. You can find the one of several articles on www.gamespot.com

If you just want to read the main preview you can find it here

It comes out on September 19th in America. I will most likely pick up a copy here in Japan. Man, I'll be getting all these good games and I won't have time to play them...

Anyway, it probably won't be a big hit in America mainly because of the Japanese mythology aspect. But, the person who told me about this has high recommendations of the game and I trust her game playing experience.

You can find it on www.EBgames.com for $39.99. You can find the link here.

Rogue Galaxy

Apparently people in Japan don't like Rogue galaxy for some reason. I don't know why. But then again, I've never played the game. I looked on the reviews for Amazon and saw that a lot of people gave it poor ratings. I neglected to read the Japanese though. Hmm...maybe I should do that. Anyway, I'm thinking of buying it from www.amazon.co.jp

Used video games in Japan...

Apparently used video games in Japan seem to have high quality in their condition. In America, the only thing that seems to matter in used video game stores is that the video game works. I'm not sure about all the games, but it does seem like all the games I bought used are in like new condition or at least very good condition. We'll see though. Man, what is my obsession with video games? To that I say, hey, if you wanted to create new worlds, what would you do? Become a storyteller/programmer/creative writer and gain ideas from as many things as possible. Too bad I have no time though...to play games I mean. Maybe if I spent less time on blogger....hmm.....

Late night rantings

We will never ask you for your password!


What's your password?

Do you want it?

Yes!!

Okay here it is. **********

...

That's something that you can use whenever someone asks you for your password. It always comes out like this. **********

A kid on this online video game typed that in the chat room when someone asked him for his password.

Everytime I type my password it comes out like this *********

Sometimes I wonder why I'm here in Japan. I mean, I feel like a loser most of the time, because I don't fit the expectations that people have of teachers and I can't expres myself in Japanese. I guess we're all human, and I do show my weaknesses more than others at times. I do see some reasons as to why I'm here, but then again, I'm finding that I need to pray more, spend less time on the net, and work more on my assignments.

It's tough. I mean, with a full time job, i'm seeing just how little time I have in the day to spend on things that I want to do. If I really want to get things done and get the important things done, I'm going to have to prioritize my time and play much much less. Which means, not doing anything on the weekdays except work and pray. heh. Get it? If you don't know Japanese, then that pun might not have made sense. But I meant pray.

I can't let everyone down. I know that if I fail, my friends and family won't be let down, but if I fail, then all my coworkers in my company and in the schools will be let down.

I'm still trying to get into the swing of things, but so far it's been kind of tough. I feel like the lessons that the company made suck. So I need to make my own adjustments to them. The books that the company made for teaching are all written in Japanese, and those aren't bad. They're actually pretty good. But the ones that I'm talking about are the ones online that are written in English. Some of them are good. But then I feel like a lot of them don't mesh well with the culture. But then again, who am I to judge only being here 3 weeks.

Hmm...maybe I need to study Japanese more and study the books at school that are in Japanese. Man, Japanese...I guess that's the key. Learn the language and the culture and things will be easier. heh

It's Thursday here. Around 8:30pm. I've been slowly trying to adjust to my life here as a teacher. It is a lot different than being a student. But yeah, standards are much higher for teachers...of course.

Anyway, I don't have anything really to say that I haven't said on my other blog. But yeah, some interesting things have occurred because of a communication gap. The vice principal thought that I called him an old man. Luckily my translator was there to clarify things. Just his reaction makes me laugh even now. heh. Luckily the relationship didn't start out bad.

I also said some things that I didn't mean...I mean, I said some things which I wasn't intending to say. I was trying to say something completely different, but I found out that I said something totally wrong. But then again, we'll all make mistakes when speaking another language.

I found an electronics store. Too bad it's kind of far away. I think that I'll just order from the net on their website. I can't imagine how I'd fit a vacuum on my bike. I'd probably have to walk all the way there and carry it home if I did. But at least now I know where the store is. But I did buy the Japanese version of Valkyrie profile for the PSP there. I couldn't find the other games I wanted. So I think that I'll visit the game shop close to my house for Valkyrie profile 2. I bought a Neon Genesis Evangelion game for the PS2 here also for $20. Man, it's in pristine condition for being used. I also bought Metal gear solid 2 for $10, Koudelka for $5, Carnage Heart for $1, Growlanser 4 for $20, Fire Emblem for the GBA for $30. So basically in one day I spent...$86 on used video games and $40 on one new video game. I told myself that I'd make a limit for myself each month. I still have yet to receive my first paycheck.

Anyway, I should be good to go as long as I don't go out and buy more video games that I can't play yet. I have yet to buy a Japanese PS2. I'm waiting for it to go down after the PS3 comes out. Anyway, it's about the same price as it is in the States. $130 here in Japan. Hopefully they don't pull an XBOX on me and raise the price on it after the PS3 comes out. The XBOX went up in price after the XBOX 360 came out. The main reason is that the XBOX 360 can't play all the XBOX games. So what I'm saying is that it's not completely backwards compatible. But who knows...I have a date that I promised myself that I would wait until I bought a PS2. We'll see.

I'm glad that it's almost Friday.

Yeah, I know that I'm supposed to be working on my hw, but yeah, after reading someone else's blog, I decided that I wanted to post some things.

I guess I should spend more time in prayer and in how I relate to people. I find that there is a lot of things that I don't know about. But a lot of things about life can be found inside of the Bible and out in the real world. I'm finding that people don't know Jesus here. But when I look at the people here, I see that they are good people, yet they don't know Jesus. And I look at myself, and I see someone who knows Jesus a little bit, and is a good person, but still has a long way to go to catch up in life to maturity.

I know that if I did what God asked me, then things would generally move in the right direction. Right now, I'm finding that I need to spend more time with God instead of nil. It's so busy here. I get out of work at 5pm. I get to work around 8am. I feel like I have so much to do. But I know that there is more to life than work. I'm still trying to figure out what is most important to me. Right now, in my choices, I'm seeing that survival is the most important right now, work 2nd, and God is last.

I'm thankful that God will accept me no matter what anybody else says. He knows me better than anybody else. He knows me, what I've been through, and what I will go through. He also knows everyone else intimately also. I've come to see that everyone is special, yet recently, I've found that I don't see everyone that way. From God's perspective, He is impartial to everyone. What I mean by that is that He loves everyone the same. And if He could forgive the worst of sinners, he could forgive you and me and everyone that I don't get along with.

One thing that I've been thinking is that if I don't get things together here, at least in my spiritual life, then I don't know where I'll be going. What is it that I really want? Do I want God? I think my choices have been saying no. If I think what is more important, it is definitely God and people. But yet, I find that I have been living for myself.

In a world that fights against God, a world that wants to idolize something other than God, it is so easy to follow the flow instead of going up the river to the mountain. Okay, enough babbling. fighto.

Must do what's right.

I'm in Japan right now and I've been riding a bicycle to the different schools that I'm going to teach at. I haven't traveled very far, because I'm not sure where to go. I don't know where there's an electronics store anywhere. I'm in a suburb of some sorts or small town. I don't even know the bus system here. Anyway, I've pretty much stayed in my general area and haven't ventured out too much.

Daiso, a 100 yen store, is pretty cool. It has a lot of the things that people need in their everyday life. But it seems like every time I go in, I buy a lot and people behind me buy like 4-5 things. I guess I have to adjust to my new apartment, so it's understandable. I don't have everything that I need yet...ie cleaning supplies and stuff...

Anyway, it's been a rough three days, but when I'm on the net at work looking up lessons, it seems to be fine. When I'm not on the internet and trying to create a lesson from scratch, it's pretty frustrating. I mean, there's so much that I could teach these kids, yet how to do that is another story. And how to make it interesting will take some time at home.

Anyway, I'll probably update my other blog more than this one. So yeah, please check my other blog if you know it.

Anyway, one thing that I like about Japan is that so far everyone has treated me so nice. Even though I know that they say some things in front of me or about me, I really could care less. The adults may talk, but at least they treat me nice while I'm there. If things change, then I think that I'm not sure how I'd take it. But yeah, I think for the most part they understand right now.

Teaching has been okay. I have a lot of things to improve on. I also have to work on my personality. Something that I could slack on in the states. I had my comfort zone back home. I could relax and not worry about things so much. I had my parents to talk to. Something I only have now on the weekends. And through email. Right now, I'm alone, but I know that I'm not the only person who feels this way.

I've been told to reach out to the teachers more. it's tough, because they barely speak English. And I don't know how to express myself in Japanese. I'm finding that I need to study more. Or else this is going to continue for the whole year.

Okay, well, I'd better get going. Time to update my other blog.

Well, I'm in Japan right now. It was pretty hot the first couple of days that I was sweating like a pig in a suit. But it has been cloudy these past couple of days so it has been cooler. I'm in Asakusa right now close to Sensoji temple. I didn't visit Sensoji temple, but I saw the gate of Asakusa with the big red lantern.

Today there was a samba in the streets in Asakusa. It was a parade of some sort. They had some people dancing in the streets as the parade moved along. There were also elementary school kids playing in marching band. Some kids were pretty good at the drums also and the syncopated rhythms. Apparently the people in the parade were in a contest of some sort.

I am thinking that I have some things to take care of. I don't have a lot of time left. Actually, I leave the hotel tomorrow and travel to Yamanashi tomorrow with two other guys. I don't actually know how I'm getting there, but one of the guys who has been to Japan before said that he could show me maps at the station.

I am not sure why I'm here in Japan right now. I have a lot of doubts, but I am countering a lot of them with some rational thoughts. Everyone starts out not so skilled at something. I am learning how to put things behind me and to move forward. I'm talking about mistakes and how I view myself.

I have a lot of things to do. I'm thinking that I need to spend more time with God. But this is my last night in Tokyo, so I have to take care of some things first. We'll see though. Anyway, whether or not I do well or whether or not I'm liked, there is something that I've learned these past couple of days. You can't experience life if you're worrying about all the things that you can't help. Basically the two things I mentioned in this paragraph. Sometimes people are good at one thing and they really suck at another. Even though i believe that everyone can do a job well if they learn and find ways to improve, I feel that sometimes there are paths that might not work out. But that's what i hear from some older wiser people. They tried some things, but they found that they liked this other things better. Jobs...man, I wonder where I'll be. What is it that i want to do with my life?

Responsibility is a good thing. I guess I have to learn how to be responsible. I've made one step in this process. I'm going to take more.

Rogue Galaxy

Speaking of my video game obsession, I saw on the circuit city website that Rogue Galaxy is coming out on January 27th, 2007! This game was made by Level 5, the developer who made Dragon Quest VIII and Dark Cloud 2 for the Playstation 2.

It already came out in Japan, and I think that I'll pick one up while I'm there. Anyway, the link on Gamespot can be found here

If you go to www.circuitcity.com you can find that they'll be selling this game for $39.99 when it hits the stores.

This game is an action RPG. Hopefully it's way better than Star Ocean Till the End of Time. I'm guessing it will be, but we'll see. Star Ocean is made by Tri-Ace who made Valkyrie Profile also.

If you don't know anything about Valkyrie Profile, you can check it out on Gamespot here. Apparently a lot of people think that this game is better than the gamespot rating of 7.5 or something like that. It is a rare game and goes for about $100 on Ebay for the Playstation version. You can buy the PSP remake of this for $40 on amazon or anywhere else. I'm planning to pick up the Japanese version of this game because I can't stand dubs in English.

I don't know...maybe I am a little too obsessed with video games. That could be a reason why I have no life right now. heh.

Lately, I've been feeling kind of distant from God. I think the reason goes back to not spending enough time with Him, not going to church regularly, and not reading the Bible. Why have I not been doing these? Video games. Maybe my friends are right. They are a problem for me.

Oh well...maybe I should forget bringing any video games with me over there and not buy them over there either. But I don't think that will happen. heh.

I told myself that I can't buy a PS2 system until a certain date. Things didn't work out the first time I tried to buy one, so I told myself to wait and maybe the price will go down when the PS3 comes out. Hopefully.

Why am I talking so much about material things? Maybe I'm falling too far into the American dream of owning stuff to feel important. Maybe "important" isn't the right word. Maybe it's the phrase, "worth something." Why is it that we stress buying so much? Why is it that so many people are in debt in the US? Capitalism...I wonder how long it will last...

In Japan, my professor told us at lecture that Japanese people have a hard time spending money. They save a whole lot of money, and their economy isn't doing so well. I kind of wonder how it's doing now though...but yeah, did they adopt a capitalistic system in a society that doesn't use capitalism that much? I don't know...I don't know that much about this. But I think that when I'm in Japan, I'm going to have save a lot of money because everything there costs so much. I'm going to have to really work on saving money as it is a problem here for me to do so. Yeah, maybe I shouldn't visit the stores for video games while I'm there. Maybe I should just focus on reading newspapers on the net.

Lately I've been thinking about what God wants me to do. I've been thinking this because I think that He migth have closed a door on Japan. We'll see though. I'm still going to go and I think that I might be coming home pretty soon though. I've been discouraged as I have not been able to get a placement yet. I don't know why it is, only that it has something to do with one portion of my interview that they taped. I talked in Japanese and made some mistakes and I probably miscommunicated some details about myself. I really don't know.

I leave in a week and I have not been placed yet. My mom was telling me to talk to the company to see if they'd be willing to help me out if I don't get placed. I mean, if I don't work in Japan, then what can I do but wait? And from how things are looking, it's going to be really expensive and I can only bring so much money with me. I really don't know what to say...maybe it was God who told me that I should stay at my current job for another year. And since I can't stand my job there, I took the other option, to leave for another job no matter what...even if it may not be the best job in the world, it's something different and something that could help me out in the future with other jobs.

But if I do go back to my current job, then I know that I'm definitely going to be a disgruntled worker.

The strange thing is that people were telling me that they didn't know that I was leaving my current job. One guy who does the same job as me, asked if Friday was my last day this past week. Apparently he had some things he wanted to say before we parted ways. Or so I think. I've made some friends there, but I feel that I cannot keep doing this and working these hours. But I've got to do what I got to do. If I do come back to this old job then I will pray about this some more and really see if this is what God wants me to do for another year. ugh...

My job is not so bad...I got the easiest job there. But really the hours are killing me. I'm not taking it too well and I feel about 3 years older. My body is starting to wear down in my legs and I think that I'm losing some of my hearing, but that could just be my imagination. The company has been good to me by giving me my paycheck and benefits, but really I think that I'm starting to go crazy there. We'll see though.

Japan...maybe now is not the right time. But I think, if not now, then will I ever go there again besides this time?

I'm currently going through Genesis right now. It's been awhile since I read the Bible. I'm trying to read it straight through. Anyway, one thing that I've noticed a lot in the Bible is that all the great people of God obeyed God. Sure they had their flaws and such, but they were great people by doing what is hard and which may go against the grain.

How this relates to me is that I wonder if I will go back to my current job if things don't work out. Does God really want me there? Does He really want me to stay?

Then again, I could be overanalyzing things and this could just be my mistake that I made in the interview and really have nothing to do with God. But then again God sees further ahead. We'll see what happens.

Almost to the end of Faith and Race...but it shouldn't stop here

Man, I can honestly say that this is a difficult class to go to. I end up being angry the whole work day until I can calm down and sort of bury it in the distractions of work and the quirks of my coworkers. While it's not so much the content that makes me angry, it's the whole race thing being brought into my face type of thing with other people.

I haven't really thought about it before, but after taking this class, I'd say that there are some conotations of being Japanese, even if I am Japanese American and not a "true" Japanese person. With the tensions that I feel from the videos and just the uncomfortableness of talking about these things, I wonder if I make these weird faces and show my tension. Which might explain the weird looks I get from people. But I can't help but wonder if a couple left because of what I said about my dad. I haven't seen them since the first class and one of them did mention that there were Japanese people in her area in California.

I don't know...maybe I'm looking too hard where there might not be any unrest and maybe it was because this topic makes me so uncomfortable that when I was trying to pay attention, that I probably gave strange looks to them...but I wonder, does my being Japanese have anything to do with a reason why they might have left and why what I said might have caused them to say something else. I guess I won't ever know. But that is the thing that sticks most in my mind from this class. Japanese...I didn't think that tensions still existed between Japanese, Chinese, and Korean in America. But I guess they do.

Anyway, I felt some more tension later on this past night. But I don't want to talk about it. It was probably nothing.

I look at what I've learned in this class so far. Basically, it's not really about black, white, yellow, red or any other color. What it is is about privilege and how many of us have priveleges that others don't. It is this reason that we discriminate against others who we feel are "less" than us. While we may not consciously say these things, we do discriminate against others. It's human and one of our fallibilities.

The book that we are reading is called, "Why are all the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria" by Tatum. You can find it on www.amazon.com here

The main point of the class was this book and showing us that racism does exist today. It is like a smog. While we may not be the cause of the racism, we each have a responsibility to clean it up. (Quote taken from Tatum's book.) One of the points that she did mention was that racism does hurt society. It does hurt indiviuals who can be more than they are right now and are less because of racism. It hurts society because these individuals can help and benefit society instead of other things like problems.

Anyway, for most of the class, I think that we were learning how racism does exist today and that it didn't just exist in the past. For the minorities of the class, we're like...yes this is true. But I'm guessing as many other of my friends did, that the Caucasians didn't understand that there is still racism. And that they too have stereotypes and biases against others.

Anyway, the whole point of the class was not to just inform you of racism, but to help you to find a way to combat racism as a Christian. Tony Campolo said that "Racism is the work of the devil." He also mentioned other things that were the work of the devil also, like sexism.

One point that I want to make is, Ephesians 6:12 says that, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the tulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places." NASB. You can find a easier to understand verse here at Biblegateway.com. Paul was talking about taking up the full armor of God from verses 10-24. Meaning to be strong in God as you go out into this world. I highlight verse twelve because if you look at things, Paul had it right in this verse. People are not our enemies. Satan is our enemy. And people are not Satan.

One of the retired pastors at my church told me this story. There was a Japanese Christian fighting as a pilot for Japan during WWII. What makes this rare was that there were hardly any Japanese Christians in Japan as Japan tried to wipe out Christianity for 200 years during the Tokugawa period. So this Japanese Christian was bombing China and he got shot down. He was afraid because he didn't want to be caught by the pagan Chinese. But, it just so happened that the people who saved him were Chinese Cathoic nuns. They hid him from the Chinese army and put their own lives at risk.

Later on, he thought about this. What he realized was that here he was a Christian bombing other Christians. And they happened to save him.

Which is why I say, in war, there is no discrimination. You don't know your enemy and they don't know you. You could be killing your own brother or sister in war and not know it. Anybody can come to know Jesus and God through the Holy Spirit. Which is why I learned that nobody is your enemy no matter who they are, whether they are terrorists or not. As seen in the past, even "good" people have the capability to do evil. Why? All people are capable of doing such things. We know the difference between good and evil. We are not so innocent as we think we are.

What it comes down to is that we in America are not innocent of what's happening in Lebanon. We support Israel and give them the weapons to do such damage to the people. We also are oppressors of other peoples economically. Just look at how much coffee we all drink and the hard labor that other people have to do to get that for us. What do they get? Pennies even if it is fair trade coffee. If it was fair, then we would be paying more for the hard work they do. There is a reason that the poorer keep getting poorer and the richer keep getting richer.

Anyway, I feel that this is meaningless because I myself am not doing anything to right this wrong. What can I do? Even if I do take this class and know all these things, how am I different from anybody else who does wrong?

There is no way that I can repay the debt that I am in. But I guess as Tatum said, there is a smog and while we may not be directly causing it, we all have a responsibility to clean it up. Man, I guess ignorance is bliss. But it comes at the price of other people's misery. I guess the time is near. What do I do? Man, I don't like this.

Anyway, we don't have to do something big to make a difference. We each can do something small. I guess I need to find what is on my heart.

I only have so much time left here in the US. It's kind of weird that I'll be going. I know that it's going to be tougher in Japan and stricter, but I feel that this is a step that I must take. I don't know what I'm going to do if I come back, but we'll see. 7 months is not too long and I think that the time will pass by quickly.

I wonder exactly what I'll do with my time there. I can imagine that I'm going to be lonely for quite awhile. I'm not sure if I can make new friends over there. I'm not sure that if I even do make friends over there that I'd be able to keep them. I'm having doubts to say the least about if I can make it over there.

Anyway, I know that things will be different. I'm leaving everything and everyone I know and going to a foreign country. I kind of wonder if this is wise of me to do this...but maybe this is something that I must do. Otherwise I'll never know what it's like to live in Japan.

I'll have to be more responsible than I am now. I can't go in unprepared and give a crappy lesson that's for sure. From what I've read in the information packet, it really is a different place than the US.

One other thing on my mind is that I'm using up pretty much all my savings that I've saved up since I was a kid to go on this new job. They aren't paying any of my airfare either way and my housing is going to cost an arm and a leg. From what I read, you have to make a down payment of so much money and put in the rent also. The company told us to bring $5000 with us so that we'll survive until our first paycheck, which is in 2 months from the time we start. Half of that will at least go to the apartment and setting it up. We'll have to buy all our supplies there, except for toiletries, which are expensive there also. Then we'll have to survive on around $1500 to $2000 leftover for two months until our paycheck. The paycheck is only around $2000 itself before taxes. Then I should be able to relax for a little bit, but there are some other complications that I have that I'll have to watch out for. We'll see though. As I said, 7 months is not a long time and I can choose to end my contract at that time.

In my current job right now, I'd actually be able to save more money than if I go to Japan with this new job. Even though I get paid more at my Japan job, I still would be able to save more with my current job. One reason is that I don't pay rent at home and I get great benefits from my employer now. But I've made this choice for now. I can't ever go back to my current job after this. Why? I don't want to. But who knows, I might have to sometime in the future and break my word.

Well, all I got to say is, I have a reason for going to Japan. That is, to learn Japanese. I don't know how that will turn out. But if I'm focused enough, and willing enough, then it could be a great experience. Here in the US, even with people who are from Japan and could speak Japanese to me, I feel really akward speaking to them in Japanese. So I don't practice with them. I guess I'll never learn that way. heh.

I guess you can't learn something if you don't put in the time and effort to learn it.

One of my friends already left for Japan a couple of days ago. I wonder how he's doing.

Today was a really rough day at work. I felt pretty bad all throughout the day. I'm not sick, but I think that the lack of good sleep has really made me wacked out. Did I use that in the right context? heh. Anyway, it's not only that, a lot of other things that happened throughout this past week since my parents left and came back has been pretty nerve wracking also.

I think that one thing that always sticks in my mind is that my dad always has a way to make me upset when I tell him something that's not going well. I don't know why he does that, but he tends to make me feel bad about myself. He doesn't mean to make me feel worse, it's just that he does. I know that I have that trait in myself too. When someone tells me something that's not going well I can, at times, make that person feel worse. I didn't intend to do that, it's just that I didn't watch what I said, so I think that's another reason why I watch what I say more often and why I listen a lot more. At times we try not to be like our family, yet in so many ways we are very much like them. In more ways than you think.

Anyway, things built up to today. I lost it at work and went into a silent rage. I think that people can tell when I'm upset. I don't hide it too well. But I think that people gave me space and they didn't seem like they were upset by me either. So I guess I'm glad to get this day over with.

I'm not sure why I'm here sometimes. I'm not sure why God created me. I know it is to do good works and for other purposes too. But I can't help but wonder if everyone else would be better off if I wasn't there. I know, however, that nobody is perfect and that we all have flaws. I know that there will be something that will not go right from time to time. I know why I'm not living a life that means something right now. I guess it really depends on me. What do I want in my life? Where do I see myself in the future? What will I do right now to make that happen? What are some steps that I can take to grow? And how can I keep that up?

Okay, lets do it.

Did someone say baseball?

I went to a game yesterday. My first one in 3 years! I forgot a lot about what it's like being there the stadium. It was a great experience. But part of me was wondering why I go.

It's not that my friends aren't nice to me or that they don't treat me well, it's just that I don't say very much and I feel like I'm just a walking wall. Sometimes it makes me feel like I don't belong there with my friends. But I know that if I want to belong I've got to speak up and take part of my friendship with them. Hopefully I'll develop this more in Japan.

As the night progressed, people talked to me and made efforts to reach out to me. I was surprised, because I honestly thought that my friends didn't want me around. But I guess I was wrong. I guess that shows what happens when you can't hang around your friends that often. Man, my thinking is irrational quite a bit, and I kind of wonder why that is. I'm guessing it's that my lack of experience with friendships and friends altogether is novice. I missed out on a lot in Jr. High and High school in terms of friendships. I never really had that many friends...and hardly any I'd call good friends. There were only two friends that I would call good friends in high school. And they were my only friends.

I don't think that those are the only reasons though. But still, life is simple, yet it's not simple. sometimes what we think is the root of the cause is not the root, but a byproduct of something else. So I really don't know.

Anyway, I've grown quite a bit since high school, but still, I have a long way to go to catch up to everyone else. I know what I need to do...I just don't want to do it right now. And I know that unless I change, I'll still be stuck here in this rut for a long long time.

I've struggled with this for a long time now. I guess I haven't changed that much.

If you notice the time right now, I missed church again. It's becoming a bad habit nowadays. I just forgot to set my alarm before I went to sleep. Man was I tired...I think that this is really becoming a problem because I only have so many days left here and I won't be seeing them for awhile. Oh well...

A wedding...

I woke up around 10 yesterday. I knew that it was my friend's wedding that day and I wasn't sure if I was going to go. I felt like all the other times that I've declined to go to something. Maybe I just wanted to do what I wanted to do instead of celebrating with my friend his new life together with his fiancee now his wife. Yeah, selfish of me. But I went anyway, and I had a really good time.

It seems like I tend to want to be alone, yet humans are not supposed to be alone. They need other people or companionship. I think the reason why I tend to want to be alone is that I have been alone for a majority of my life. It's safer than being with others. You don't hurt others or get hurt by others. But everyone needs somebody sometime.

So I left after I walked the dog. I thought that I was going to be late. But the wedding started a little later than scheduled, so it was lucky for me.

All throughout the wedding, I was thinking, "they sure are a good couple." I also was happy for my friend because he found someone who is a really great person. I don't know her that well, but she's always been nice to me, even though I don't know how to relate to people from time to time. I don't say very much so it makes people uncomfortable or bored with me. Hmm...maybe I need to say something so that I break this habit of being silent...even if it sounds stupid. I've always tried to watch what I say because my dad would say things off the top of his head and it would sound really bad. He didn't even mean what he said, but he would say things that just put him in a bad picture.

Back to the wedding. For once I understood what Jesus said when the friend of the bridegroom rejoices when the bride and bridegroom come together. I forgot what He was referencing, but I think that it had to do with Jesus coming back to earth. Anyway, that's not what I meant, but I understood that people want to see other people that they care about happy. Hmm...I wonder when Jesus will come back to earth, and if I will be happy when He does. Hmm...

I felt happy for once. Here I was celebrating with the rest a joyful occasion. I'm happy for my friend and his wife. I don't know what to say sometimes. But I'm glad that they found each other.

I'm also glad that I was a part of their wedding. Not in any significant way, but just being able to witness their coming together was really special.

I kind of wonder sometimes where I'll be in ten years. Will I be married? Will I be worshipping God in my life? Will I be doing anything for Him? I think that getting married, while a major step in one's life, is not what I should be focusing on. Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you. Not saying that you will get married if you follow God, but saying that life will be fulfilling. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy...in fact it's tougher to follow God than to not follow God. I wonder exactly what I'm doing here on earth.

I think for me though, it's best that I don't focus so much on finding a wife, that will come if I'm ready and mature enough for a wife. But, I know that getting married to the right person is really something that is from God alone. Maybe I never will get married. Not saying that I won't ever be mature enough, but I wonder where God will lead me. And I also wonder if I will follow.

Recently, I've been following my own path that I've been cutting and hacking. Maybe this is the wide path that leads to death. I don't know anymore. All I know is that I don't have any direction of where to go. So I'm finding my own way.

Anyway, I've digressed quite a bit.

Video games...

I've been playing video games like mad when I come home from work. I've been trying to make the most of my collection while I'm still here.

Anyway, I should really get going...

The countdown continues...

as one of my friends put it in relation to me going to Japan. Yes, I talk like this...do you have a problem wid it?!

Anyway, back to Japan, I am going to be leaving pretty soon. Just 5 more weeks until I'm out of the US for awhile. Man, when I went to Japan the first time I couldn't wait to leave the US. But since I made friends in college and have a church to go I am finding it harder to leave. I think that things are going pretty well over here in the US, but when I look back on my blog and this past year of work I see a different story.

Waking up at 2 in the morning. The hum of conveyor belts. The loud screeching noise of an unoiled belt (that I work on.) Some of the guys yelling weird stuff at each other. High stress due to the amount of packages coming through. Dirt and dust in your nose. And other things to boot.

I guess it wasn't such a bad job though. I mean, I made some friends there...even if they are only just coworkers. You can find some great people at some of the these lowly jobs. They may not have a degree, but they have at least common sense on how to do their job well. I'd say that they have been the best part about working at this job and the hardest part too. But I'd say that I'm going to miss this place when I leave.


Man, I'm going crazy at work. The belt (that I work on and mentioned above) screeches every time a box is put on the belt. The heavier the box, the worse the scream of the banshee is. I'm buying ear plugs this weekend. I guess what's more important is not having to put up with the noise instead of hearing instructions from the other guy I work with. Hey, if you heard a loud, long screeching noise every time a box was put on your belt, you'd go a little crazy too. That, or the hours will do something bad to you. Like age you...seriously.

I guess my managers could tell that I'm having a tough time with this noise because they've been sending me upstairs every day this past week. I was seriously getting pissed from that noise. Then I calmed down when I was sent upstairs. Man...I don't know how much longer I can take that noise. But then hopefully the earplugs will work.

Well...back to Japan...The plane ticket is going to cost around $1500. The company doesn't pay your way over, so I'm thinking of staying an extra year if they offer me one to make up the difference. Unless God tells me to come home after my first year.

Goodbyes...

We said goodbye to one of our friends last night. There's so much I didn't know about him, but I could totally see that in him, even though I didn't know about it. It's in his character and he'll do some great work over there.

He became a Christian 13 years ago and he's done some great things as from the testimonies given by a lot of people at the goodbye party. Well, I should have signed up for his email thing, but there were a lot of people already at the table, so I left early because I was getting tired. Yeah, I'm lame...

Okay, well enough bashing today on myself. If I don't stop then I'm going to feel even worse. heh.