My trip home is coming to an end. I'm also ill right now. Anyway, I'm thinking that I should keep my thoughts about home to myself.

I went to church yesterday. There were some who were glad to see me. Some who were not. I've noticed this even before I left that some people are not cool with me. Yet nobody tells me. it's probably not a big deal as people will not like me all the time. I think sometimes I have too high ideals of what church would be like for me. Maybe they'll never be met. I guess that's one thing. Church is a place for people to worship God. Even though we're not perfect, God does love everyone. Even if the people there aren't perfect, God loves them too. So maybe I just need to forgive and not let things bother me.

A lot of people will never know who I am. Most of my friends know me, but I think for most of the people at church, it's just a Sunday relationship. But then again, I know that people don't think that much of me and probably never will. And I'm cool with that. Why would I want to spend time with people who look down on me?

Anyway, i know that I'm not a normal person. I know that everyone will never be considered "normal" because nobody can set the standard for everyone to follow. But I know that compared to a lot of people out there, I'm a loser. I've come to realize that ever since I came to Japan. But what Japan has taught me is that it doesn't matter. I've known this before I went, but I'm starting to realize it now that I've been to Japan.

Anyway, i know that I'm not perfect. I know that I'll never be perfect. But I do know that regardless of what happens, God will love me and God will continue to love the whole world.

It makes me think about tomorrow. If Jesus were to come back, what would He say to me? Would He be pleased with me? I'm not sure. I'm kind of wondering how many people God would be pleased with? There are many, but it really depends on your relationship with God and how you love those around you.

Anyway, it was good to be back at church. But it was also a painful memory of maybe the damage that I have done here before i left. Who are they to judge? And who am I to judge? I know that even if we part ways, I need to continue to move forward.

I guess that's one thing about God. He forgave us when we nailed Him to the cross. And He forgives us of our sins if we ask. But He also does not want us to have grudges or things against people. He is the God of relationships...something which i don't think will be my forte in life. Oh man...relationships...I guess I've got to keep trying though.

It has felt like Friday for the past two days. I had no class today and no class tomorrow. I don't even know why the heck I'm going to school if I have no class. I don't know what to say anymore...I think that I need a vacation. And I think that I'm cranky.

when I think about things...I know that this world would be craziness if God wasn't here. It is craziness though in a lot of places. But most of the time, we don't turn to God. Many people don't know Him. Anyway, through it all, He's there in the midst of this craziness. I keep on thinking...there's got to be a purpose for each person here. But I wonder if any of us find it. Some do I believe...Anyway, I guess I won't know for sure until much much later. I'm wondering if I'm here in Japan for a reason. Maybe I should stay here longer if I get offered another year. But we'll see. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm thinking that the company might give me a chance for another year. Another year of probation? That sounds kind of lame. Okay, well, time to hit the sack.

Tomorrow...I won't be able to make it to the US for one of my friend's funerals. I don't know what to say...I didn't know him that well, but even though we weren't close, it seemed like I got know him a little bit at the end before I left for Japan.

The last memory I have of him was when we were doing a film for the faith and race class. I remember that somehow I mentioned that I was going on a trip. He seemed interested and asked me where I was going. I think that he was really interested and he seemed happy for me that I got this chance to go to Japan.

When I think about life in general, I think of how much more I could have lived. I could have gotten to know him better or maybe talked to him more when I found out that he had cancer. But I didn't, and I think that just shows my personality. I'm not living...I'm actually not living to my fullest and getting to know people while they're here...while I have a chance.

Anyway, I didn't really know him that well. I’m thinking that I most likely live out the rest of my life ikke this. Not really getting to know people and staying a certain distance from most everyone. Anyway, I know that he's in a better place right now. Reading other people's blogs, I saw that there was more to him than I knew about.

I guess that's true for a lot of people. Well...not sure what else to say...

You only think about yourself...

When I look back on my posts, I see that I am very absent minded. When I see other people's blogs, i see that they are going through much more than me and people they know are going through much more than me.

Frankly I wonder if I really think about things...the importance of some things and how unimportant some other things are.

I wish that I was a better person sometimes.

Well, i don't like to write everything on my blog, but it seems like I write the most unimportant stuff that's going on. Okay, do what you got to do.

Yes, I just drank one liter of coffee. heh. Man, no wonder I'm so tired all the time. heh. And it's 10:30pm.

oh man...Well, at least I just have to plan tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be able to stay awake.

Only one and a half weeks to go. Then I'm flying home. yay! I'm looking forward to staying up late and playing video games with my family. I'm also looking forward to seeing my dog. He's getting older, so he might pass away soon. It might be the last time I see him if I don't return in April.

I'm also looking forward to being able to sleep in and also to being able to sleep in a bed instead of a futon. My futon is flat right now, so I'm basically sleeping on a wooden frame. Which could also explain why my back hurts when I wake up. I've been waking up 3 times a night to change positions. Maybe I should buy a new futon this weekend.

Anyway, there's so much in the US that is nice, but still, I'm enjoying my time here in Japan. I don't know how long I'll be here, but we'll see how long I stay. If I do stay, I'm not planning on staying more than one more year. I don't want to stay for too much longer though. I don't know...maybe I'll take a trip around Japan. Maybe i'll visit Kagoshima while I'm at it. That's crazy far away. And I'm not sure how to get there.

Anyway...I think that this weekend, I'm going to hit the Department store. This time, I'm going ot take a train instead of a bike. That way, I don't have to worry about some old man hitting me with a broom on my way there.

They're selling used PS2 here in Japan now that the PS3 came out. One thing that is a downside to the PS3 is that they don't have shock or vibration in the controller in the PS3. That is due to the tilt control that they put in the controller. Tilt control is something like when you're flying an airplane or dragon on the PS3, you can tilt the controller to tilt the plane a certain direction. Cool huh! But nobody liked the new design of the PS3 batarang controller. Some said it looked like a batarang (from batman) or a banana. So it got low ratings. Sony decided to use the old style of controller, so while it looks better, it doesn't have shock or vibration. i guess that's a good thing in some sense, because shock in the controllers can cause damage to your hands, or so I heard.

Anyway, I could buy a PS2 brand new here for only $20 more than they're selling the used ones. I guess I got to wait until February before I buy my ps2. I guess I can hold off on playing some of these cool games until the price goes down. heh. Hmm...if I stay another year, then I'll most definitely buy a PS3. Hopefully Shiro Kishi (White Knight) will come out by then.

I played part of Valhalla Knights last night before I went to sleep. I'm surprised that I understand even that much of the dialogue. Still, it seems like the dialogue isn't that great right now, because when they go into explanations they show a "........" and then the outcome. So it's like a conversation is happening, it's just you aren't a par of it. Darn it Marvelous Interactive!!! The reason people play role playing games is so that they can live in an alternate world. Well, at least that's my reason. heh.

anyway, the main character just says, "......." I think that it's a Japanese thing or something like that to not have the main character say much. Chrono Trigger and Chrono cross is one example. Personally, I think that the UMDs can only hold so much info, so they had to cut down on that to put in awesome gameplay. Which I've only had one battle. Plus it's a very customizable game, so there's a lot of items and stats that you can use. I think that they said there's about 1500 combinations in the preview that you can use for your character wear. Crazy...that's how detailed some people in the gaming industry in Japan are. Crazy...

Anyway, I'm wondering if I should come home after my contract ends, or if i should stay another year if they offer me another year. I'd stay in the same place if I had the chance, but part of me wonders if I should go to a different place. i'd feel bad because the people here are the ones who are investing in me. Not only in teaching, but in some of the friendships that I have here...even though we're just coworkers. Then there's the teachers that get on my case and that isn't nice all the time, but it's a good way to learn how to deal with things...unless I get depressed.

Anyway, I'd better get going.

A note about games...

Kingdom Hearts II went down to 29.99 at EBgames today. You can check out their website on www.ebgames.com and just look under Kingdom hearts ii for the PS2. Anyway, they forgot to update their website completely as you can buy the used game for 39.99 which may or may not come with box or instructions or the brand new game for 29.99. Hmm....which to choose.

Another note, I can now play Valhalla Knights on my psp. Thank you Amazon!

Yeah baby!!!

I think that I'm getting sick. Man, I'm not looking forward to this as I still have to come to work even if I am sick. Anyway, I just hope that it won't be too bad.

On another note, I'm supposed to go to Osaka this weekend. I got to buy my tickets right now. So I've got to go to the next city.

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Yeah...not much I want to say.

PS3 came out today in Japan

Last night, there was this long report about the PS3 on the news. It looks pretty good right now. If you want to see pictures of people standing in lines and possibly the rain, you can check out the Asahi newspaper found here.

And yes, I saw the weather last night and also heard it outside my window. It rained last night and today. I'm glad that I'm crazy enough to buy one yet. I can imagine going into work sick and saying that I am sick because I stood outside in the rain for 8+ hours to get a lower version of the PS3.

Anyway, the newspaper article basically said the same things that everyone knows about already. The lower version cost 49980 yen and the higher version cost about 60000 and up. The PS2 was a big hit and the PS3 uses blu ray discs.

People must have been lining up right after school or work to try to get that. And of course, they have a picture of a gaijin with a PS3 holding it above his head. Caucasian people do stand out here. I guess there's this fascination with people different than the Japanese in Japanese society, but still, Japanese do have distinct in groups and out groups.

Anyway, I'm basically in the out group for all of my coworkers. But that's okay. I can still work 'em. heh.

One thing that I noticed on TV was this gameshow called "Deal or No Deal." They have all foreign women, about 50 of them standing with suitcases. At the beginning, the contestants choose a suitcae number. That one is put off to the side for now. Then the contestants choose different suitcases to see what they could have won if they chose that one. It goes from 1 yen to maybe 1 million yen. After each case is opened, the host calls the man upstairs and asks for an offer to offer the contestants. If low cases are opened, then they usually raise up the price. The contestants have a choice to choose to take the deal or say no deal and go on. If a high one comes out like 1million yen then usually there's a better chance that the price of the deal will go down. And so on.

If the contestants decide to go all the way, then when there is only 3 cases left, they open the last case and that's what they get. Of course there is a table prices that have already been opened, so you have a chance of getting something good or something low. The first game that I watched, the contestants decided to go all the way. They could have either won 2000 yen which is $20 or 200,000 which is about 2000 dollars. Or something like that. Anyway, they got the 2000 dollars. It all depends on the risk factor you're willing to take and what your reasonable price amount that you're willing to take also.

Anyway, I think that they will have that show in America if it's not out already. What makes the Japanese show so interesting is that the host and other people on TV say these funny things that make the audience laugh or they have little arguments with each other. Anyway, I've noticed that Japanese people do have some showmanship in them...the ones on TV. Most people though, don't. So I guess it's pretty rare to get on TV.

Anyway, there was this group of four. Two couples. One guy wanted to hold out longer, because they were only at 200,000 yen. So they did rock paper scissors and the guy who wanted to hold out longer won. So they got more money later on because they accepted a deal. I think that each of them got 10,000 dollars approximately. But if they stayed to the end, then they would have gotten 20,000 each. I guess 10,000 is a good chunk of money.

Anyway I've seen people only get $30 on that show when they could have gotten $2000. So I'd take the deal if I were given a good amount of money. It'd suck to get 1 yen.

Why is it that I'm feeling so alone nowadays. I think that I need to rest. Then I'll be able to converse with others at school.

Anyway, I don't know why the heck I'm here in Japan. I've said it over and over again. No matter what reasoning I can come up with, I still don't know if this is what God wants for me. And I can't pray right now, or else I'll fall asleep.

Today I was falling asleep in my chair at work. I fell asleep with the light on last night. I wanted to work on some things, but decided to take a nap and that was a mistake. I woke up tired the next day. Alarms don't seem to wake me up when I need sleep. I'm wondering if I should call in sick tomorrow. Nah...

One guy who I met last week at training told me that it's tough when the kids call you names. But he told me that he thinks that I don't have one bad bone in my body. heh. I don't think that's true for anybody. But I must say that I do give that impression. heh, I remember one of my principals in Elementary school was this guy named Mr. Ficken. One of my friends told me that this girl who we both knew went up to him and sang farajaqkah (I don't know how to spell that) using his name Mr. Ficken except the i was turned into a u. My friend told me that the principal's face turned bright red and he said, "Kary, get to class!" i guess I'm not the only one who has experiences like that.

Today a kid called me "Megane sensei." It was a little girl. heh. Then she said bye bye! What a cute girl. I don't think that it changes much when the kids turn into adults. They say things to rile you up a little bit, but I don't think that they mean too much harm by it. I think that they do things to have fun with you. Still, the adults are way more mature than the kids are. But not all the adults are mature. I think that it just depends on the person. You can't judge people by how other people are. Everyone is different, so everyone will have different personalities. Just because someone's an adult, no matter where they're from, doesn't mean that they'll act like one. But still, don't get me wrong. The teachers at the schools are great. But it's just that they sometimes say my name sometimes and I wonder if they're talking crap about me. I let it go and don't worry about it all that much. If they were mean to my face, then it'd be a different story. But since I don't know what they're talking about because of my poor Japanese, I can't complain. They might be telling an anecdote or they might be talking about something else. Who knows. Anyway, I'm thinking that I should come home after March. Japan is a nice place, but I don't think that it's for me.

All the things that I've learned before have been preparing me for this. Preparing me for my life in Japan. I can't worry about what others think about me. My last job prepared me for this job in that I learned not to get angry at what others said about me. Everyone thought that I was gay at work for some reason. Not sure why. But rumors fly around especially in a male dominated homophobic place like my old company. But still, the people there at my old workplace liked me. So I guess I learned to deal with it and to make a difference in my relationships with the others.

Anyway, I feel like I stopped caring. Maybe I'm burning out. But I think that I know the real reason. I need to take better care of myself. Maybe that's what this job here in Japan is why I'm here. Take care of myself and learn how to depend on God throughout all these times. My whole life, looking back, I can see why I turned out a certain way. I can see why I am who I am now. I didn't realize that some things that happened back then would shape who I am today, but they were steps in making me who I am now. I have a responsibility to make sure that I don't keep the knowledge that I've learned to myself. Meaning, that I need to go and share goodness with others. Maybe that's why I'm in Japan. Maybe I need to care for the people here who have no God other than the idols on TV or radio. Maybe I need to take better care of myself so that others will know that there is a God out there who cares for them. I can't say how hard it is to tell others about Christ here, but St. Francis of Assisi had it right. "Preach the gospel 100% of the time...if necessary use words."

Teaching is one part of showing that I care. I guess i need to work on that too. But loving the people is just as important. I feel that the people will not listen to me if I teach crappy lessons. So I guess I need to prepare better when the time comes.

An article about Sony's PS3.

You can find it here on gamespot. Apparently there's going to be 20,000 kids who won't be happy on launch date for the PS3. Anyway, really, why the heck are people trying to get this right when it comes out? It's expensive...and with the 60 gig version in Japan with no limit set on how much it will be, it really is pretty crazy how much people want this machine. Reminds me of the XBOX 360 launch.

Anyway, I read off of gamespot that the PS3 games will be region free. But the region codes for the Blu-ray movies will be I think North America, maybe South America, and Asia (excluding China.) If so then, I will probably wait until I go back home to get a Japanese ps3. Anyway, I don't know if the ps3 will be able to play other region games for the ps2 and psone, but I'm doubting it. So I'm going to buy a Japanese PS2 before I leave Japan.

Anyway, I just wasted so much time today when I got back. I really should use my time wisely. Anyway, got to get going.

I bought Valhalla Knights for the PSP here in Japan. It will come out in America around March. I found that I cannot play the game. PSPs are region free, but this game requires version 2.71 on the updates. I have version 2.70. So close and yet so far.

I know that I'm not perfect. I know that I will make mistakes. I know that no matter how well something goes, there's always the chance that I could do something wrong. I can't worry about that though. I keep telling myself that I need to move forward and not worry about the roadblocks. That's the thing about a roadblock. Either they slow you down or they stop you from moving forward. I guess that's the thing. I need to keep moving forward even though I'm being slowed down by my mistakes.

I don't know what the heck I'm doing here in Japan. I don't know if I want to stay here for another year if I get offered another year. But what I do know is that I need to spend more time writing things out and praying. Writing on a blog is one thing, but the whole world can see my thoughts and I don't have the patience to slow down when I'm typing. Thinking about things, there's some things that I'd rather keep to myself and God. But definitely I need to make time for that.

Anyway...got to get going

Anyway, right now there is a lot of wind blowing outside. I'm hoping that my bike stays in the same place. Otherwise, I might not be able to ride to work tomorrow. heh.

Hmm...I think that I should stop the video game madness. I've been buying way too many. I'm wondering if I should start a business selling Japanese games to other places in the world. But then again, i'll only be here for 5 more months and teaching is more important right now. I got an anket back from two of the schools. I got a average of 3 and an average of 2 from those schools. It is out of 5. So with my limited teaching experience I'm lucky that I didn't get a one. otherwise my trainer told me that I would definitely have been visited.

Anyway, if I do get offered to stay here longer, I don't know what i'll be doing. Teaching is a lot like being a student, only you have the responsibility to teach. One thing that we're supposed to do is make learning fun. when they reach Jr. High school, they'll be stressed out to the max. It is a definite hard time starting from there for Japanese kids. Some even commit suicide. There's so much pressure to do well in Japan. There is also a high level to attain in knowledge too. These kids are smart, but that's true for all kids everywhere. Everyone has the ability to become something greater than they are now. It's just easier when you're a kid. And the motivation to do that is not always there. But luckily that's where teachers come in. heh. Also parents too. Anyway,

My job is not an easy job. Well, compared to some jobs, it's way easy, but man, I'm finding that people scare me. I am intimidated by people. Kids too. The reason being that you'll never know what someone will do. I guess for me, i'll have to learn how to deal with this. I've been dealing with it, but I probably will never feel comfortable reaching out to people. Maybe that's true for a lot of people. But still, reaching out is something that can be rejected and cause for evaluating oneself negatively. play it safe and you'll never experience life. But you've got to know when to fold 'em and know when to run. Ie being smart.

Anyway, I've experienced more fun here in Japan than I have in the past year. The kids are great. But still, it has been a bitter experience in how I cannot seem to meet the expectations of the people here. But still, I can't help but wonder if God wants me somewhere else. Anyway, I know that I should be praying about that. I didn't pray too hard about Japan. But I'm seeing that I need to be praying. The greater good...I'm only a soldier. I'm not important, yet God considers everyone, including me important. We're important, yet we're not important because anybody could take our place. I know that no one can take the place of another person, but I find that if there's nobody there, then who will go? I have to take the great commission seriously. Man, the great commission. I'm not sure what to do. yeah, I know...

Okay, I know I should be sleeping, but I just wanted to say that if you're into strategy games and a little old school, Disgaea 2 is a good game to get. But it takes leveling up to a whole new dimension. Basically you have to earn your levels up. You just can't go through the story, you have to level up outside of it, or else you won't be able to pass the game. Anyway, Atlus and Nippon Ichi games usually don't go down in price all that much. But then again, there's so many games out that you could miss a few good ones. Anyway, Final Fantasy XII came out in the US today. That will go down in price later on. But if you want the collectors edition and to learn more about the history about Final Fantasy, then check out www.ebgames.com or www.gamespot.com and look for the final fantasy collector's edition.

It's $60 though. Is it worth $60? That depends on you.

Okay, it's late, but I find myself surfing the net. Yay one for coffee!

Anyway, I was reading a former ALTs webpage off of one of my friends links to a whole bunch of webpages. Interesting enough, I find that her experience is way different from mine. She is pretty much an opposite from me. Not in terms of morals or anything important...well I'm assuming she's better at those than me. But what I'm saying is that she is outgoing, friendly, and a really nice person to know. I on the other hand, am shy sometimes, keep to myself, and I don't speak very much. Not a good way to get to know people. But maybe things will change if I put more effort into reaching out. I'm thinking that sleeping would be a good idea right now.

I'm thinking that culture shock is starting to kick in. But thankfully I have God with me. Not that He's not for anybody else, or against anybody else, but that He's there for me and everyone else.

Anyway, with Halloween now here, I'm thinking that it is a good time to remember the things that are needed. I don't want to say what I'm thinking but yeah, rememberance is a good thing. Not always a pleasant thing, but definitely I need to put the past behind me and come to terms with it. I have changes that I need to go through. I have issues that I need to work out. God is with me, but I need to let Him work in me.

Anyway, it's a good reminder of how desparate the need is here. I'm wondering what this means for me. I don't think that I'm supposed to be in full time ministry, but I do see that I need to take God seriously. People here in Japan don't know God. Even though they are good people, they won't know the Creator unless there are people who go and tell them.

It's tough, because I have flaws, and I have barely any relationships with my coworkers. I'm wondering if that is a sign to do something...like maybe talk to them. It's tough...they're always working on something. I guess that's why they get paid. But man, how the heck can I start a conversation with people who are working all the time. I don't know. Maybe I just need to interrupt them and see for myself. heh. Okay, I need to take a step out and look stupid again. Forget my ego and be a gaikokujin or gaijin. Maybe things will improve with my relationships with them. I'm sure it will. They are nice people.

Man, this Kit kat tastes like it has pumpkin in it. And yes, the insides of it are orangish yellow. Thanksgiving came early huh?

Okay, lets see...hopefully I got paid today. I think that I'm going to get paid late. Maybe on the 15th or so. Man, that sucks.