After a long week of feeling bad, I was thinking of not going to fellowship tonight. I didn't want to bring all the crap that I had going on this past week.

Anyway, I went to fellowship...because I always go to fellowship...but yeah, I still have some issues going on in the back of my mind right now.

Fellowship was good. Just a good time of talking to people. However, I kind of think that my face showed the pain that in my heart, because people probably reflected back to me my face that I was giving them.

I don't know what to say anymore...I guess I've got to just deal with it and pray. There are steps that I can take to make things better, but it will also take some initiative on my part.

I'm kind of tired of going to work each day and feeling bad most of the time. I can't think to myself and laugh to myself, because people think that I'm laughing at them. Maybe I'm weird, but I think a lot about the funny things that happened in the past. That's what happens when you're raised introverted. you make your own good time with yourself and are not very good at reaching out to others. Maybe that's something I should change about myself. To "force myself" as Harrison Ford would say...(taken from a TV interview on the news.)

Someone asked me today about if I'm looking forward to my company party. To be honest, I'm not really looking forward to my company party even though I will be going with good friends and a nice person as a date. Something about me is dreading this party...and I think that it's the fact that there will be drinking there and I just have bad memories of another party where everyone got drunk and acted really weird. That wasn't fun at all and I don't see how people can have fun when they're not in their right mind.

Well, I guess alcohol does loosen people up, but it is weird for me to be around people when they're drinking or drunk. I don't know what it is, but apparently something inside of me doesn't like that.

I can't seem to give the right answers to people, as I give weird tangents and off topic things about this party. But I am looking forward to going with my date and my friends there. But something about me just doesn't want to go to this party...and i'm dreading something...unforeseen. But most likely it's nothing.

Anyway, this week has been a hard week and I can see in people's faces my face in their looks or concerns they give to me.

My mom was right that I need to learn how to address these problems when they happen and not let them fester. I don't know what to think, but I think that maybe I need to spend more time with God on the weekdays. And learn how to talk to people when something bothers me and not just keep it to myself.

Frankly speaking, I can't keep letting people just say anything to me when it bothers me. I need to say something and speak up for myself. I'm an adult now. I know that I'm not a kid anymore. Maybe this is a lesson God is trying to teach me. Maybe I was meant to go through all this pain this past week.

Anyway, I want to say that I'm going to be a better person, but I can't say that, I can only make efforts and improve slowly...it's not going to happen by saying it...and I need to be conscious of decisions and their effects and consequences.

As for Christmas shopping...I still don't have things for most of the people on my list. I have 2 out of 7 so far. Man, I don't know what to say...maybe I should shop online...heh. ugh...well...got to get going