So yeah, I was rested today, but I found that I need to eat before I go to work, or get there early and eat there. Yesterday, I didn't eat until dinner...I didn't eat breakfast or lunch...which could be why I felt kind of crappy today, but okay still.

Anyway, enough about work...

So the topic of this week has been Fable. One thing I like about the game is that you can pull off some ultra cheapness. If you get behind someone while fighting, then they can't defend and you'll keep hitting them in the back. Basically, one of the cheapest moves of the game is to use the slow time spell and just run around people and destroy them from behind. What's unfair though, is that if someone attacks you from behind and you're blocking, then you block it. I guess it'd be too hard especially since there can be quite a few characters on the screen and you can turn around fast enough with the mouse.

However...Fable is a good game...so far...in the game I've played 34 days and my character is at age 54. Apparently he ages every time I use experience points. I guess that's undestandable, but I wonder if my character will lose some strength when he gets too old. This game does seem to have a way with realism that can either thrill someone, or annoy someone. What's one mistake I made on another game, "knights of the old republic", I made my character too balanced and had a heck of time trying to beat the last boss. Apparently these realistic games are pretty realistic as it's true in life that you want to specialize in something and not just do things in mediocrity. I wonder if it'll be impossible to learn everything in this game and that I'll have to pick and choose what I want and leave behind other things that may not be so important.

True in life too...you have to pick what's most important with your time as you only have so much of it. I can understand why some people are left in the dust...it's impossible to make time for everyone...which is why I can understand why g-sak is always busy or why he doesn't tell people that's he's coming back. heh. I guess I'll need to make the same choices now...what is most important to me...

Anyway, I was thinking today about growth and being an adult. I feel like a kid still in many ways. I don't act like an adult in some sense and I feel very stupid most of the time, because I am not thinking ahead. Anyway, I was thinking that everything needs work. And to grow, I need to work on things gradually and make some good decisions with my life. What is most important to me? As of right now, I'm thinking that I might be single for the rest of my life. heh. I do not know how to act in social situations and I have not learned...but as my friend told me at my workplace..."You're gonna have to learn."

Well, it's 9:30 now...I should really stick my plan that I made two weeks ago and make time for video games only on Saturday and do what's important on the weekdays. Yeah...we'll see if I can delay my gratification and keep my sticktoitiveness. That word is not a word, but a lot of people use it. That's important to do...stick to it and be disciplined.

Okay, so video games got me in trouble...sort of. Anyway, an update on Fable, one part of the game is pretty sketchy, so you probably don't want kids under 17 playing this game. Anyway, one thing about the game that I don't like is that your character has no dialogue. Your only choices are that, choices...yes or no.

Anyway, I'd say that I'll just beat this game and get my money's worth out of it. I feel pretty bad after playing this game. But it's a good game, it's just that some things they shouldn't put in video games. I'd say that this game has got some functions that only ultra nerds would appreciate. heh. And I'm not as nerdy as that. So yeah, no more of that function for me.

I guess people do play games to escape reality sometimes, but for me, I don't want it to become an alternate lifestyle. Which is why I haven't joined an massive multiplayer rpg. Anyway, I was taught that it's not a good thing to get too involved online. That's why I have no comments on my blog. I don't want to hear from strangers and people who don't know me.

Why I blog is another thing...I wanted people to see that a quiet person like me does have some interesting things to say once in awhile...even though it's rare. heh. I guess that's the thing...online, you don't know what language people speak in real life. You only see their thoughts and words which may or may not be crafted like a Japanese painted mask. That's the thing...you don't know who these people online are. And I don't think that it's a good idea to share too much info about yourself online. But then again, I've shared some things online that I probably shouldn't have...but that's just me.

Anyway, this is a broken world. I could take the stance which the Jehovah's witnesses take, in that Christianity isn't working...but I don't. I know that God is working in everyone's lives everyday. But so is the devil working also. My friend at church told me that there is this fictional book about how God wants to do so much in this world, but won't interfere too much unless He's asked to help. The angels were empowered with prayer...

Anyway, that's one reason why he prays so much now. If nobody is praying for the people of this world, then how will God intercede?

I guess this is a wake up call. I need to be praying more as I need God to work more in people's lives. But so often do I not pray and so often do I get sucked into my activities like playing video games. Anyway, I'm not saying that activities like video games are bad, but what I'm saying is, I need a balance and to weigh my priorities on what I really want to make important and not just say it.

I guess I'm not serious enough...and I kind of wonder where I'll go in life. Will I not run a marathon in life and just keep running sprints? I guess it all comes down to who I live for everyday. What am I doing here on earth?

I don't know...as of right now I'm just doing a contracting job and going by everyday. I know that God can do great things for people, but I know that I am not doing much for God. Got to start with the basics everyday...

Anyway, I was talking about video games...yeah, Fable...good game, but it could cause some people to stumble. My friend at work was saying, "So why did you buy this game again?" I told him because of a good review. 8 point something is pretty good. So he said, "So you buy games on a whim? Just because they got a good review?" It's not like I can play these games before I buy them, unless I play them at someone else's house. But still, maybe I have a problem here in buying video games. And buying other stuff. Hmm...

Okay, so I guess I do need to watch what I spend. Man, maybe I shouldn't buy a video game until I beat one. buy one, beat one, then I can buy another...but it seems like that never works. Maybe that why I have problems...hmm...no self control in terms of delaying gratification. oh well...something to work on today.

With my new contracting job I haven't had much time to play video games. I think that I've been suffering from withdrawal from my ps2.

Anyway, I checked out Gamespot today and saw a review on a soon to be released Nippon ichi game, also done by Vanillaware who did Odin Sphere. Anyway, it's called Grim Grimoire. you can find the review here.

What's interesting about this game is that it's not a RPG, but a RTS (Real time strategy) for the PS2. This game came out on April 12th, two days before i left Japan. I wasn't sure what to make out of the game, as I saw some pictures on the Japan Amazon site, but wasn't sure what exactly it was. Now I know and I want to get this game. Anyway, it comes out on June 26th.

Check out the article if you're interested. It's no. 8 on the viewed list for the PS2 on Gamespot.

I'm glad that I have a job for now, but as of right now, I don't know when or if they'll hire me on full time. I hope so, but then if I am hired on, I need to put music on my psp.

Man, I don't know why I'm up this late, only that I'm finding that I want to play video games while I should get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow. I'll eat lunch after church and go home...then I can play video games. heh. I might miss church tomorrow.

One thing I'll always remember being said is, "You can't be part of the body if you're not actually there with the body..." hmm...Oh well...maybe I should get going.

I got my paycheck today...I'm so happy as all that work that I did actually amounts to a monetary value. And it's not bad.

I like working full time. My old job in the States was only part time and you'd be lucky if you got 4 hours. This job pays a little better, gives me more hours, and what's the best part is that it takes place when the sun is still up and not when it's starting to rise.

I don't doubt my abilities, but I do sometimes have too much attention to detail and tend to put too much work into one item. I have been working faster, but I wonder if I'm thinking too much about what the customer might think. I mean, it depends on the customer, but I do believe that if a customer pays money for something, and if it's brand new, then they'll expect the best for what they paid for. I don't like products that are substandard and I tend to make each product as good as I can.

It's frustrating sometimes, because that means that I need to do a lot more work and the work is piling up in additional stuff besides the project that I'm doing.

Anyway, it's a good place to work, and I want the company to do well, but I don't know if people are waiting on me for things, which can cause stress for other people. I guess it's a balance as is most of life. I can't be so picky that I have to do a lot of work, but I can't be too lax and not do enough. Oh well...

I told myself not to play video games during the weekdays as I get home late because of the job. So I might just take a shower and go to sleep. It's already 9. Which reminds me...got to do the reading for tomorrow.

So missed church today, so I owe my bible study $5...I hope that they don't think that I meant to owe each of them $5, but yeah, I was planning to just owe the bible study altogether $5 only. Anyway, last night, I was playing my new game Fable. I still like Knights of the Old Republic better, because it's more of a role playing game, but this game does bring in some interesting similar concepts. More on that later as I play the game more.

Anyway, I still have yet to play Knights of the Old Republic as the Dark side. Still, I don't like having to travel all over the map and going to different places and taking up a lot of time on places that I have already seen and know about. I think that I'll pick it up again after a year has passed. Anyway, the first Knights of the Old Republic was made by this developer called Bioware. The 2nd one, as I've heard, wasn't as good as the first and reused a lot of concepts. The 2nd Knights of the Old Republic was made by a different company.

I think that Bioware made this game called Mercenaries for the PS2, also done by Lucasarts I think...but I'm not sure. Anyway, I have so many games right now that I need to stop buying them and start beating them.

One of my friends told me that he doesn't see a point in buying video games just because they're at a good price. "If you don't have time to play them, then it's the same as not having them." Man, I'm always wondering when I'll have enough time to play a game. I love RPGs, but as I'm getting older, I'm finding less and less time to play. And if I ever have a girlfriend someday and eventually get married, then I'll have no time to play video games...unless I actually schedule in some time for myself...which I could be using to study Japanese...man, the cycle repeats itself...no wonder I never passed level 2 of the JLPT.

Oh well...speaking of that, I'm finding it frustrating when I'm reading this Japanese children's book, because I'm having to look up so many words. I guess that's the only way to learn though...reading and looking up words, as I don't have anybody in real life to ask, besides one guy at work...but I don't want to bother him with that. Anyway, this book is about 4 volumes long and about 250 pages each. It's actually a Japanese children's novel.

Anyway, should get going...

Week 2 done

I think that this week went better than the first week. I actually was a little better in reaching out to some of the people there, but still not very successful. I think that it's a good place to work, and there are some great people there, but I always feel that no matter where I go or who I'm with, I don't belong anywhere or with anyone. I've been a loner for a majority of my life and even though it is more fun to be around other people, I find that I am most comfortable being by myself.

The reason being that I don't have to deal with misunderstandings from other people in how I act. I admit though, that I'm not the easiest person to get along with. I'm sometimes rude to other people on occasion, even though I don't mean to hurt their feelings, I do sometimes.

What I noticed though, people there are trying to be nice to me and even though I am not perfect, some of them make some efforts to say hi.

My first week there, I was pretty angry...I think being uncomfortable and not knowing a lot of people there I felt like I was a fish out of water...ie out of my comfort zone. But luckily my friends work there too, so I could talk to them. I still however felt very uncomfortable when people would walk by and I really didn't want to reach out.

It's a little easier to reach out now that I've done only the minimal over the course of two weeks, but still tough for me to do. I'm not sure if they'll hire me full time, but I'm kind of wondering if I'll be let go sometime soon. I still don't know if they want me to show up on Monday as I wasn't told if I'd been hired full time. Well, at least I got to know some of them a little bit and that's important...not just doing your job all the time, but actually getting to know the people there. But still, I don't know if I'll see these people for very much longer...

Anyway, they'll most likely tell me on Monday if they want me to work another two weeks or so. Right now, they need workers to do the job that I've been doing and for another two weeks, I'll most likely be there, which is good.

I still don't relate well to people at times and I feel like maybe I should try to communicate more. I said some comments today that might have made my boss mad, but then again, I don't know. I think that he's a good guy and he's been trying to reach out to me, but then I try not to treat my bosses any better than I've been treating everyone else, which can come across as me being rude...again...man...maybe I should try to treat everyone better so that I'll treat my bosses better.

I don't know...I think that it has just gone to show that I'm out of practice in my relationship with Christ. As the "Experiencing God" workbook said, my relationship with God will mirror my relationship with people. I guess I should try to find a reference for that, but I'm thinking that I need to spend more time with God...I think that I haven't been doing that enough.

I look at my friends who work there who are Christian and see just how well they relate to the people there. Even though they don't talk too much and do their jobs they do treat everyone there with respect and the love of Christ.

I'm seeing that I need to get my act in gear and do what I should be doing. I guess bridges aren't built too easily. It was so much easier before a certain point in my life, but now it's a lot tougher...I guess it's no use reminiscing about the past. As the song goes, "Yesterday is dead and over." Man, I love Switchfoot...

Today went better. I do see a connection between me spending time with God and how I relate to others. heh. Well, whatever...got to make sure that I'm doing what I need to do. Definitely who you spend time with does affect who you become. Ie, influence.

Nothing to post. Well things happened, but nothing exciting. Man, I'm so tired.

Sometimes maybe it would be better if I kept my mouth shut. I said some things today that were kind of inappropriate, so maybe some people got offended. But anyway, I think that I probably should just go to sleep now.

So much to do, so little time...I guess I've got to prioritize my time...

Another Sunday...is life a big circle?

Hmm...I guess you could read that title in a number of different ways. Anyway, don't think so hard about that. One thing that I took from my Greek literature class was that life is kind of like a big circle and it does repeat quite often. But that may not be true for everyone.

Still, I do believe that we can learn from people of the past because they probably struggled with some of the same things we struggle with today...maybe not in the same exact way, (because our world is changing,) but in the same nature.

So I made it to church this morning. Good times...but I left after lunch, because I didn't want to just hang out all day. I kind of wanted some time alone to do what I wanted to do. Yes I know...sometimes you can't do what you want to do, but in this case, I did have that option to choose. So instead of watching a movie, I just went home.

Man, it takes forever for our group to decide on what to do. If someone says they want to do something, then we usually do it, but it seems like a lot of us are lacking initiative to do something that we want to do. I don't know why that is...I mean, we don't criticize each other...maybe we just don't want to decide for the whole group and if it sucks, then we don't want the others to not have fun. Maybe...but then again, I don't know for sure. heh

Anyway, after lunch, I just left and came home. Then I talked to my mom for awhile about nothing. heh. It's nice to talk to her, because she is very understanding but speaks her mind when she feels like it. I think that as you become wiser in your older age, then you learn not to hold things back, because you're not afraid of doing that. But she still can get things across in a way that makes sense and is understandable. Maybe I'm at the age where I actually listen more to the older people.

Before, it wasn't like that...I wouldn't listen to my parents...mainly because they're my parents. But as I got older and got advice from different people, I've come to see that they were right about a lot of things. My dad told me to specialize when I was a kid. I wanted to become a jack of all trades and do everything myself. That's just my personality. But in this world, no man is an island and we all need others to work with and we need to work with others if we're going to produce something efficiently. That's why it's good to specialize...people will turn to you for specific things and you will know how to do that better than everyone else...hopefully.

I wish that I listened to them earlier as I'm realizing that I'm going to have to work harder now to catch up to my contemporaries in the Japanese language. With my lack of time, I don't think that I'm going to catch up anytime soon. Self study...I told myself that if I passed the level 2 JLPT, then that would be a real milestone and not just some dream that I had of actually using Japanese at work.

Maybe I should try to make a journal in Japanese...to use the new words that I learn each day. To be honest, I haven't been studying Japanese all that much. If I don't do that, then I'll get nowhere...oh well...maybe I should stop writing about these things and actually do them. Easy to talk about things, but harder to do.

Anyway, Brave story is still on the shelf. I'm kind of glad that I didn't buy anymore books.

Two parties on the same day

I was wondering if I should keep my promise and go to the parties that I promised that I'd go to today. I am kind of anti-social in some sense, that I like being alone sometimes, but then I get lonely. And when you're alone for too long, you become weird and creepy.

Anyway, I ended up going to both parties and I'm glad I did, but I see how much I fall short in my life. What I've seen from my experiences, is that sometimes, just being there and witnessing the special moment in people's lives is important to both them and you. I'm kind of curious as to why presence is so important to me and other people. Maybe it comes down to the fact that being there can show that you care and that you can be a part of history...unwritten history of course.

I think as human beings, we do all want to be loved and cared for. If you don't, then there's probably something wrong.

Anyway, I've seen that the body of Christ (ie other Christians) are good people. I don't necessarily feel that I belong anywhere...even in the body of Christ...but I know that I've got to try.

Anyway, I've seen that I am an outcast just because of my messed up past. I don't necessarily know where I'll go in the future, but right now, I have normal friends and I don't know how to relate to them.

Anyway, I've come to know that "no man is an island," but I always tend to try to float away. I guess that's why I need to keep going to church and developing a relationship with God. Separated from the body means that you're not doing anything in God's plan or being part of taking care of the body...I don't know...maybe I've got that slightly off right there.

Anyway, I'll most likely need to pray more when I get home tomorrow. And go to sleep early.

It was a lot of people putting things together today...I did almost nothing...but it was good to see that people showed up to celebrate with them.

I'm kind of tired...maybe I'll go to sleep...

1st week done...one more to go

So I'm working my trial period at this new job. I don't know if I'm going to be hired full time...my friends don't see why I wouldn't. I kind of get the feeling that knowing the group has something to do with it, but then again, I don't know...and if I do a good job then they might hire me.

Anyway, I mainly do my job and don't talk very much...well, to the other people in the other departments I don't say much. I don't want to walk over there and talk and seem like I'm not doing anything...I don't know...maybe I should when I take a break, but still they have their own jobs to do too.

I feel like I might not actually get to know the people there because I'm just doing my job. They seem like nice people, but I am not one to open up so easily and basically everyone tends to stay with the people that they know already...me included.

I guess I'll be doing the same thing next week. We'll see...I don't know what I'm going to do there in terms of the future...they want me to do some Japanese conferencing later on which will be tough for me to do...so I guess I need to stay on top of Japanese...but I don't know if they'll ask me to do that anytime soon.

It's a good company...the people make up the company...in their hard work and their relationships to their co-workers and bosses. I guess I'd better try to work faster next week. But if I want to do a good job, then I'll have to ask a lot more questions to my manager...I'm kind of intimidated, because I don't know him very well and he doesn't say much...kind of like me in some sense. But he seems like a nice guy.

I don't know...but I feel like maybe I should try to get there earlier and start up some conversations with the customer service ladies. heh. I don't know if that would be a good idea though...what would I talk about? School? Anyway, they're pretty friendly at their age and not so demanding...but most likely, I'll just go to work and not say anything to them. I feel old and more crotchety.

I guess what you think does determine a lot of how you act. I guess writing on a blog is not a good way to deal with these problems and worries. Not helpful at all....Hmm...maybe I should have turned to God first. oh well...next time.

If I can't...

I thought on the way home about this. If I can't get along with my brothers and sisters in Christ, then who can I get along with? Both at my church and at my workplace, they are all Christian. Now that I've had some time away to think, I've been thinking that I need to get it right and that I can't do this by myself.

It's so easy to walk away and not face one's problems. I've done that plenty of times. And sometimes it's good to take a break and think about things. But I've seen that it doesn't go away. The problems. Not exactly with other people, but I'm talking about the problems with myself. Anyway, the easy road is to just not deal with anybody. The hard road is to engage with people and to try to understand them and get along with them. But what can be even harder is to change oneself. Sometimes it's not other people that are the problem, but yourself.

I remember in my youth, I thought that everyone else was the problem..."It's their fault!" While it may be true in some of the cases, it wasn't true in all of them. I was a problem too. Maybe moreso than everyone else that I had a problem with.

What struck so hard in college was that I was never accepted anywhere before I came to AACF. Well, I was probably accepted, but I felt actually welcomed there. The conclusion I came to after spending time with these people was that they are the way they are because they are following Jesus. Welcomed, accepted just as I am.

Anyway, that's in the past now and I need to take further steps than in my stages before I knew Christ. What I'm saying is, I probably need to work more on myself and not just say it, but actually do it and use it in real life.

That's how God is. He accepts you as you are now and wants you to live a better life now in this world for His kingdom. What I meant by that last statement was that everyone is welcome in His kingdom and living for His kingdom for me is in one way "treating people the way you want to be treated;" "being a servant and not a king," and putting in practice the sermon on the mount. Hard to do, but if I do put all this in practice, then I'm sure that others will come to know Christ someday.

So much I've forgotten. Time to get it together.

Work and being "too Japanese" as my friend put it

Today started out alright. I got there on time and things seemed to be going okay. A lot of the things that happened today were probably because of my own thoughts and frustrations inside of myself and not with the other people there. I think that's a problem with me. I don't know what goes on all the time, so I fill in the information even if it is not true.

Anyway, to put a long story short, I came home feeling pretty bad and angry. I felt guilty in some sense for causing other people to feel bad or just how I acted towards others. But I was also angry at the things that I thought were said by others...which when I think about it, is probably all in my imagination. I know that they might not forgive me, but I guess that's the thing. People can forgive for little things like what I did and sometimes they forget. Tomorrow, I've just got to "treat people the same way I want them to treat me."

Anyway, I think part of the problem is me not spending any time with God or in the Bible and refreshing myself in the renewing of my mind. It's so easy to forget what's in the Bible if you don't read it. But I do see that it's helpful for learning to get along with people and to actually live life together with others. Everything is pretty complicated when you come down to relationships, but part of it is the lack of communication in how to express oneself without any shots at the other person...ie being neutral, even though you might have been hurt...and being able to express how what that person did hurt you and how you would like for that person to not do that or communicate in another way.

Anyway, maybe I'm too Japanese in that I am thinking too much about how others perceive me. I think that I have been too negative lately. It's so easy to fall on one's face.

Today was just one bad day. Got to try to make tomorrow better. I think I'm going crazy...being around people again...I'm just not used to it anymore...especially people that speak English and the American culture. Lame excuse, but I just don't know how to relate anymore...

Crap, I forgot to put my report on my supervisor's desk...oh well...he's cool enough not to yell at me... But still, that kind of sucks after I was told to do that at the end of every day. Anyway, I like how our company does have QA so that we don't send out defective products from our manufacturer to our customers. I do think however, that I need to work on working faster. heh. But I think that we're running out of stuff to do...and I may need to take some time off next week if nothing comes in to test. hmm..I guess that's why we don't have full time QA people and why I might be the only one. Run out of stuff to do, and nobody is doing anything.

Man...oh well...

Since I'm low on time, I'll keep it short.

Things to do tomorrow...

1. Stop saying stupid things that cause other people to get hurt or annoyed...
2. work faster
3. ask more questions
4. and stop doing stupid things like trying to kick my friend (it was a play kick, not an actual kick.)
5. don't speed onto the on ramp and then brake suddenly because you're going too fast for the curve.
6. calm down and know that whatever happens, things will be alright.

One thing that I want to say is, this is a great place to work. However, I'm not sure exactly if I'll be hired on full time. We'll see though...2 weeks is pretty short and I'm not exactly sure if I can learn everything in 2 weeks...but we'll see...I've done some stupid things today...I think that I was feeling too good. Hmm...did something from outer space come down and bring out the worst part of my personality? (Reference, Spiderman 3.)

I am just happy to be alive. Sometimes even the sun and little things make a lot of difference in one's life.

So I start my new job tomorrow. I guess it's something to look forward to, but then again, I'm not sure how well I'll fit in this company. I mean, I'll be working with some of my friends, but I don't know if I'll be accepted there. If things don't work out, then at least I'll get something for my work.

Anyway, no sense worrying about it...just got to go there and do the best I can.

I will have to travel quite a bit though to get to and from everyday. i'm hoping that I can work a little bit later to avoid the worst traffic in the morning. That would save me some time, but I don't know...if so then it's going to be really tough. Anyway, that freeway kind of sucks, but there's no other option. The only other option is to get there early and leave early, which won't be very nice at all knowing from experience of having to wake up in the dark.

Anyway, enough about this...

Made it to church today...finally. Got there 10 minutes early instead of late. Maybe treating church like a job will work further on in the future. I know that it's important to make it to church, because it'll equip you and help you to be grounded in the Word if you're in a good church.

But one thing that stood out from today's sermon was that "we are the light of the world." Not meaning, "We are the light of this church"...Jesus said "world"...Our pastor has been trying to get us to take steps of faith to reach out to the world and not just stay insulated in the church. I'm finding that I'm going to have to really think about what it is that God wants for my life. I didn't attend church in Japan, so I wasn't really thinking about God and wasn't reaching out to the kids later on in my time there...

Showing Christ, or blending in... another quote from my pastor. He definitely has the right heart for the church and to see us step out and reach the world. So often is it so easy to stay inside one's comfort zone. Being in Japan, I've seen what it's like to be on the outside of everything. Being back, it's nice to be back, but I do think that I need to step out more. Well, maybe my friend who has been praying for me to live my life for God...his prayers are starting to be answered...maybe...I still have to make my decisions.

Anyway, it was nice to be back at church, and I am seeing that I need to do what I should be doing. Reaching out to the world...man...not an easy task, but wherever I am, I need to be a light.

Halo 3 premium box

Man, crazy how popular Halo is. Since I get motion sick I don't play First person shooters (FPS) that much. Circuit city is selling a Halo legacy box for $130. It makes me wonder if I would have gotten a video game testing job if I played more FPS. Anyway, you can check out the link here.

I wondered how I could get my foot in the door in video game testing...but maybe it wasn't meant to be.

I like the band Switchfoot. They seem to address the issues that the generation coming up and even the generation now are facing. As I can relate a lot to the songs that they write. It does seem like they talk about American culture in their albums...

From the Album "The Beautiful Letdown"

Meant to Live
By Switchfoot

Fumbling his confidence and wondering why the world has passed him by...
Hoping that he bent for more than arguments and failed attempts to fly...fly

We were meant to live for so much more, we lost ourselves
Somewhere we live inside
Somewhere we live inside
We were meant to live for so much more, we lost ourselves
Somewhere we live inside


Dreaming about providence and whether mice and men have second tries
Maybe we've been living with our eyes half open
Maybe we're bent and broken...broken

(Chorus)

We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than this world's got to offer
We want more than the wars of our fathers
Everything inside screams for second life

We were meant to live for so much more...we lost ourselves
We were meant to live for so much more...we lost ourselves
We were meant to live for so much more...we lost ourselves

We were meant to live
We were meant to live...


One thing that I've seen and know about is that this world is fallen and so everyone is fallen too. There's nothing that we can do to make ourselves unfallen, except with one choice. Anyway, I'd say that that's something that you have decide everyday, and not just once. As Paul said, "I die to myself daily..."

For me, I know that I haven't been doing that. I haven't been living for God everyday...I've been choosing my own path that leads to destruction. I guess I have to decide now and everyday, "who will I live for?" Me? Or God? So often have I chosen me. Not saying that living for God means doing nothing for yourself, but when it comes to doing what's right, I'm not successful all the time. It's going to take more than me writing words down. We'll see...I think what might be helpful is trying to start out the day reading the Bible and thinking about it during the day...I'll try to work on this step...

I guess when I start living for God again, then I'll experience what life is about. And in other people's lives, I've seen that it is good, clean, and helpful for people's lives. That was quote from some famous person that I forgot who said that...it was on one of my other friend's blogs, but I don't remember who was the author of that quote...anyway...enough babbling

I went to my interview yesterday. The people there seem nice and it does seem like a good place to work. But I'm not sure if I'll pass the trial period. But who knows...the job doesn't seem too hard to do and the people seem cool enough. But I do think that as my mom said, "it's hard for people to get to know you because you don't talk very much..." or something like that.

Lately it does seem like I've been saying the wrong things. But who knows...I am better at writing than I am at talking, because in writing I do have more time to think about what I'm going to say. But speaking, people tend to lose their attention because I'm too long winded or just not quick enough to say something interesting right there.

I'm not sure about a lot of things...but we'll see. Definitely Japanese seems to be in my future...I don't know if I want to go back to Japan, given the fact that it was tough because I don't give good impressions to a lot of people at first. Hey, if you dressed up in a t-shirt and jeans there, people wouldn't think much of you either, unless you had an interesting personality...which I don't show often. Yeah, very image based society in Japan...crazy how first impressions are important...I guess that's true in America too, but maybe not to the same extent.

Anyway, I'm not sure how long I'll be at this company...right off the back, I think that I didn't make a good impression. And it does seem like everyone there is pretty tight knit already. We'll see though...who knows...maybe I'll be working there for a long time...given the fact that they said some interesting things about where they want to move the company and the types of jobs that I could be doing. Nice people there.

Anyway, so I'm on probation for right now...it'll last at least 2 weeks till whenever...we'll see how things turn out. Just got to do my part.

Brave story...

I've decided that my goal for this year is to start and finish a Japanese novel. I've never read a Japanese novel before, so I'm hoping that this will help me to start reading more Japanese instead of newspaper articles. Plus it'll help me to understand how people talk. This is essentially a children's novel, so it shouldn't be too hard and I should be able to grasp some of the things in the book. Since I also have an electronic dictionary I'm pretty much set for my studies. The novel is called Brave story...there is an anime that came out for that, but I wanted to read the book as I've seen good reviews for it and crappy reviews for some of the games for this story because of the high expectations set by the book.

I didn't start the other book though...decision making and the will of God. Man, so much to do.

Okay, put the blog down and start...One last thing...I'm expecting to use Japanese at this new job that I'm currently trying out. I'm on probation right now, so I've got do well or else...so we'll see how it goes.

I'm kind of wondering where I'm headed. What am I doing with my life? I don't know and frankly, I'm getting tired of thinking this. I kind of wonder if the old statement is true..."God helps those who help themselves." Even though I can't find that anywhere in the bible...(it was probably said by some person a long time ago...) I still think that I need to walk a path that leads somewhere. I guess that's why we have choices to make of what we want to do with our lives.

I wanted to do a job that helped people, and I was kind of doing that in Japan, but not really. I don't think that I was grounded in God's word and in his church. Actually, I wasn't. And that's where I failed because I was dry and empty...trying to get through life by myself.

The one person that we all need to rely on the most is God. I know that it's good to turn to your friends now and then, but it's not good to turn to them first without praying. Maybe that's what I need to do again...anyway, that's just my opinion...

My brother bought me this book a long time ago...called, "Decision making and the will of God," by Garry Friesen with J. Robin Maxson. You can find the book here on Amazon. Maybe it's because I haven't read that book that I don't know what to do. But my brother has given me good books to read before, so I guess maybe I should make that my goal to read up this summer. heh, I got that for my birthday a long time ago when I was deciding on what I want to do with my life...working at my old job that started about 2 years ago, I was wondering about year ago what I wanted to do with my life. There's got to be more than just earning a paycheck. But I do know that I am materialistic, so maybe it wouldn't be a good idea for me to take a low paying job if I could get a higher paying job...yeah...shallow...but I do wonder if I should maybe try to find out what ministry I'd be happy in. And maybe then, money won't matter as much.

Crazy...reading...if the guy who wrote this book is right, then this might be one of the most important books that i'll ever read, with the Bible being number 1. heh. Anyway, maybe I should get on that. Yay...thank you Martin Luther for public education! That's why we have public education nowadays, because it was deemed that everyone should be able to read the Bible and not just hear it from a priest. I didn't learn this in Sunday school class, but in Sociology...one of the more interesting topics to me. But I digress again...oh well, I'll write some more when I read this book.

Anyway, as of right now, I'm not very strong in my faith...I've fallen down a little bit...but I do think that I'll need to fight the culture of materialism if I'm going to follow Christ. Not saying I'm going to oppose it, but saying for myself personally, I need to work on this.

So not much to post. I decided to put my money where my mouth is. I told my small group that I'd pay $5 and donate it to AACF every time I didn't make it to church. I don't think that they took me seriously. heh. Well, since I don't have a job right now, then I don't think that they expect me to. But the organization could always use the money as they have to pay for the room to hold the meetings in.

Anyway, they seemed really upset that I didn't make it to church this past Sunday. I wonder if they were praying for me to make it to church, and I just didn't go...because I didn't go to sleep early enough. Oh well...if I don't make it this Sunday, then I'd better be prepared to save up my money.

It does seem like everyone is tired. I guess when you're working and in some cases, my friends doing jobs and other contract jobs in addition to ministry that they would be tired. I don't know...I think that I'll need to find a job soon...as I'm not really doing much with my time anymore...I'm wondering if I should give up on making the Japanese language a career.

Anyway, I'll most likely be doing something as a job if I keep applying to places for work. I don't know what, but there definitely needs to be something if I'm going to survive.

I keep on thinking...so many people in the world have tougher lives than me. I'm not saying that I'm luckier, even though I do consider myself lucky...I wonder what I'm doing here on earth and what my purpose is. I don't know...I've always wanted to help people out, but I think that I'm not equipped well enough right now. Anyway, the signs are here, but I'm still not expecting that the time is at hand. But yeah, I guess time is getting short and I might not have anymore time left. But we'll see...

Is it me....

I do think that most often I do cause people to get annoyed at me. Even if it's untrue sometimes, I do think that, because more often than nought, it is true. I don't know...I think maybe I need to get back into the word again. This whole weekend, I just played video games and I missed church this past Sunday...it was Pentecost Sunday too...

Anyway, I guess I can't keep running away anymore. Running away from my problems never helped. Oh well...we'll see...

Blah blah blah blah...

Not much to say, but this post is babble. So I've recently started playing video games again. It seems like I don't have enough hours in the day to play a video game. Anyway, I think that I should play more video games instead of surfing the net as I do look up deals online and buy when I see one. However, I must say that unless you get a rare game, the games will depreciate in value pretty quick. Maybe in about a year they start to go down...some less than a year. Some, if the publisher decides to stop making it, go up...one example is the game Yggdra Union for the GBA.

Anyway, I bought one from www.gamequestdirect.com for $30 before they raised up the price to $50. I mean, aren't GBA games supposed to be cheap? That's one thing about Atlus games, they always stop making a lot of them to save on money and make sure that people buy them when the price is at full price. But I must say that they do have some good games out there.

One recent one that my friend told me about is "Odin Sphere". I haven't played it yet, but from the look of it, it looks like it's going to be a really good game. Side scrolling action, like Valkyrie profile...but then I don't know. Anyway, if you're interested you can check out the review on Gamespot found here. Or go to www.gamespot.com and type in odin sphere in the search.

Note that Valkyrie profile also got a 7.0 when it first came out, but became a classic when people heard about it...however, the original playstation version is now $100 because Enix didn't make too many of them for the US due to poor sales of the game. So reviews aren't everything. Anyway, I'm just glad that I got the psp version which is basically the same thing, only that it's based upon the Japanese version or so I've heard and not the North American release. $30 on Amazon for the psp version.

Some old games are really good out there. I've seen King's quest collection out there for $20 for windows xp and 2000. They even have KQIII, which is my favorite of all time. One of the the innovative things with that game was that you had to copy a spell from the book that came with the game exactly, or else it could backfire on you. So I'd be typing out this spell for about 10 minutes and find that I misspelled one or two words...(I was about 10 years old at the time) and that I'd get turned into a human fly. Game over baby...

What made the game good was that it had a timer on the top to let you know how long you've been playing. Apparently from time to time, if you did your chores and got all the things done that the mean old wizard told you to do, then he'd go away for something because he trusted you. But if you did something wrong, then he'd hang you upside down by the leg on the ceiling or worse yet, kill you. Obviously he didn't want you in his magician's study, so if he came back and found you casting a spell, he'd for sure kill you and turn you into something like a plant or something. That was one of my favorite games ever. Man...I wish that they'd make those games like that again.

It was one of my favorite games, because it required you to think and use your mind to find stuff out. Plus since they didn't use the mouse yet, it required you to type in everything and pay attention to what the text said. Very well made game, but it was for the IBM 386. I think it was 20 mhz was the minimum speed that you needed to play the game. Man, how much things have changed.

Probably for game players today, it's not much of a game...because of it's crummy graphics, sound, and that you could actually die from falling off a cliff, especially in the 2d game where rocks blocked you from seeing where you were going. So you'd have to guess where the path went...heh. But that is what made this game great! Man, I think I'm not the only one who misses the old Sierra.

Oh well...the last great game they made was the Half Life series. I haven't kept up with them lately. But yeah, my next favorite game from Sierra was Return to Krondor. I can play that forever, except when I get too buff. Apparently the guys don't get any tougher as the game goes along...it's hard to start out on difficult, but it's too easy to beat the enemies once you get further along the game. All you need to do is stock up on potions...except one great thing about this game is that it's also time based too. Things kind of change when time passes. Well, one secret and spoiler is that if you spend too much time making stuff and wasting time, then certain characters (NPCs) could get killed. One is in town...the others that I know of are the ones being sacrificed every so often from the town in that crazy dungeon. I'm guessing at that, because the first time I played it, the cell was empty. One of the last times I played it, there actually were people in there begging to get out. I played it fairly quickly that time.

Anyway, little things like that that I loved about Sierra. Not sure how the company will do with Vivendi Universal running the show. But definitely when the Williams ran it, it was a good game company. Only I hated how they simplified the games when the mouse came out. So easy to just click through everything and not think...especially when their games required you to think.

Anyway, i'm sure you can find it somewhere online or at a software store. XP or 2000 King's Quest Collection (1-7). Over here, I might just trek back to the store and pick one up. It was only $20. I saw that they had only a few left...but I might check out some other places...maybe egghead online might have it. Man, so much has changed...

Games nowadays are pretty fast and furious. The systems have so much power to them now...so that allows faster gameplay and better graphics and animations. Seeing a Psone game compared to a PS2 game, there's a big difference...I'm not sure what the games are going to look like for the next generation of games. But they're going to be good. I sure hope that people make better games for the PS3. I really don't like the fact that Ken Kutaragi got forced out...but then I guess that's business. And with the PSP and PS3 not selling so well...(not enough good games and not enough unique games for the systems in my opinion,) few find reason to buy those systems. So that's their mistake...not having unique games only for the PSP or PS3, which should change over time as Sony will most likely look at why the Nintendo DS is so popular. Games only the Nintendo DS can play, not to mention a unique Touch screen. Plus their games reach a broad audience.

I like my psp though, but I would like better games to come out for it, especially in the role playing area. But that's changing. Anyway, the only thing I don't like about Sony is that you have to buy everything Sony to have it compatible. To get the PSone emulator from Sony for your psp, you need a PS3. Which is cool that you can get games online and download them to your hard drive and upload them to your memory stick to play on the psp, but still, it would have been good to get them from a pc or mac. But still, who wants to play old games, except FFVII? I guess I can see why sony did that, as it's easy to pirate I guess...

All I've to say is, what some people want in their games depends on the audience the game maker is making it for. Just like I posted on an AOL forum one time that it would be nice to have something to play against people on AOL Warcraft II like a tournament so we wouldn't have to dial up other people if we didn't have anybody to play with, (I'm not sure if I was the first to come up with that), Blizzard took it to the next step and offered Battlenet, which was free to anyone who could connect to the internet and had a valid key.

What I'm saying is, there are a lot of people out there who have great ideas for video games if developers would listen to the people. Granted the people wouldn't get any money for it, but if the gamers would be happy with some quality games (hopefully the company will acknowledge the person who came up with the idea) then I'm sure that more gamers would give their ideas for free...granted the company would have to write some disclaimer saying that they could use your idea if you post it.

Anyway, that's my free bit of knowledge. I guess that's why people keep their ideas secret. Like books...if I told everyone my ideas, then someone else could take it and make their own.

One other bit of info I wanted to share with you guys. I posted this before, but I'll post it again, since that was so old. On a Square-enix forum on their old webpage, one person wanted to start a discussion about Final fantasy. He/she (I don't know from their screen name) posted that Final fantasy is kind of getting old. (This was when FFX and X-2 were out.) The poster wrote something like, "Should Final Fantasy change its system to be more like Kingdom hearts? If you've played Final Fantasy for awhile, don't you start to get tired of the same list and command functions to fight?"

So many people got angry at him from all over the world. He basically responded to everyone, but said, "I do like Final Fantasy, I'm just thinking that they could come up with something better than the old RPG system of fighting." About a month or three later, the website and forums went down. They basically changed the look of their website and info on it. But I couldn't find that link anymore.

Anyway, that was around 2001-2002...I think...But my point is, FFXII is kind of like that in some sense. You don't command everyone all the time, but can do that...it's a lot more fast paced than the old games and the battle system is something new. I can only hope that they make FFXIII better than FFXII. Companies do listen to good ideas...and sometimes they don't...but I guess what my point is is that anybody can have a good idea for a video game even if others don't like it. Depending on how good the company is in implementing that, that's the question.

Anyway, my advice is, if you want to become a game developer or have ideas for something creative, I'll tell you what one writer told us little elementary school kids a long time ago.

Write it down in a book and don't show anyone else. Develop it and put time into it. And look for the right opportunity to bring it out.

One interesting note about the guy that I remember was that he spent time with people who did illegal stuff. He spent time with people who were smoking crack coccaine. He didn't take any, but he said, "If the police came here, while I was with these people, I'd be arrested." Interesting guy...I wish I remembered his name...I think he wrote some books, that's why he was at our school talking to us about dreams. Anyway, I've got to go to sleep.

So last night, I was filming a soccer game. That's my part time job. My friend is the director of photography for that job and he needed help, so he asked me. I'm lucky that my friends are looking out for me. In Japan, I was pretty much alone, but some of the other ALTs did look out for me. I kind of wonder why I'm not able to take care of myself. But I'm thankful that I do have good friends.

When we were leaving the carpool, my friend said, "Make it to church this Sunday!" Heh. I made it to church this past Sunday and the Sunday before, but both times I was late. However, I do feel that I am blessed every time that I go to church. It's kind of hard to described "blessed", but it is a good thing.

I go to this prayer class at my church for Sunday school. One of the things that I requested was doing a good job at the cameras at the game and also finding a full time job. I did see a lot of improvement yesterday in my filmwork, and one of my other friends, who got another job is giving me his old job.

Someone as undeserving as me is being looked out for. By my friends and God. Which brings me to another issue. Am I living for God?

One of my other friends in New York told me in Japan on im that he's been praying for me to do everything for God. At first, I was like, I thought I was...but now that I'm back, I'm seeing other people who are living their lives for God and I see just how unfaithful I've been. I've seen that all the things in this world pale in comparison to God. As a Christian, we're taught that the two most important things in this world are, 1. God, 2. people. Mark 12:28-34. You can find it here. But when I look around at some other people, I kind of think...are we really following God? I believe some are, and some aren't.

I look at myself and see someone who is failing again. I guess I've got to put God first in my life again. And then after that, find out what His will is.

I see that God is definitely the best person that has ever come into my life. Why is it that I just put Him aside? I think that maybe I'm too "me" centered and not God centered.

Anyway, I think that it's been showing lately as I've been kind of irritating a lot of people. But one of my friends I talked to last night said that especially in a Christian community, you try to accept people as they are and learn to deal with things like that. He told me that I probably don't say anything when people irritate me. He's right though...but as I've been seeing, people are all imperfect and definitely because of God, if we depend on Him and follow Him and do not judge our brothers and sisters no matter what religion they are, then I do think that God will do a great work.

It's not our works or money or whatever, it should be our love for God and our love for our neighbor that change people's lives. I guess that's impossible to do without spending time with God. Oh well...I guess other things will have to wait...

Old systems are good for old games

I tried to play my old Return to Krondor by Sierra on my new latop and it couldn't read the disc. I'm assuming that the disc supports reading the data up to a certain speed and the technology developed later on doesn't support that low of a speed anymore. I don't know what is wrong with it. My disc has hardly any scratches...only one minor surface scratch on it.

I guess that's one reason to keep old systems in your house. Only if you want to play those old video games or use old outdated software. However, the games nowadays are getting much better, even though Sierra has most of it's good games on old systems.

I haven't seen much out of Sierra lately except Half Life. I think because Vivendi bought them out, the company hasn't been doing as much as it once did. The branch in Washington has been dissolved since Vivendi took over.

Sierra used to be one of my favorite video game companies, but I guess since new video game companies are coming out, and due to the high competitiveness of the industry, Sierra couldn't keep up.

i haven't played Bard's tale, but from what I've read of it, it sounded like a crappy game because they didn't let you keep an inventory of stuff. It automatically took the best weapon off of an enemy for you and converted all the items into money. If Sierra put out a game like that, then I'm pretty disappointed. One thing that RPG fanatics like is getting new items and the choice of selling them if they need the money, or they can't carry anymore because of the weight. So I don't know what the heck happened to that company.

Anyway, I have my own ideas about video games that everyone doesn't share, but there are a lot of gamers nowadays who like different genres, so I think that since everyone is different, everyone is going to like something different, kind of like music. Will video games be as common as music someday? With the Nintendo Wii and DS getting new gamers, even the elderly, it could be. The first generation is in the their middle age and a new younger generation is coming up. But like all things, people outgrow some things and move on. I'm thinking that video games won't be as common as music, but it'll always be a big industry.

80 gig PS3 sold in South Korea

Apparently the news reports about Sony trying to get approval for a new spec PS3 were true. Anyway, I'm kind of glad that I didn't buy a PS3 yet. You can find the article here.

In other news, Ken Kutaragi, maker of the Playstation is retiring. You can find the article here.

If you want to see another article you can find it here.

Another articles says that Sony forced Kutaragi to retire. You can find it here.

Anyway, with barely any games that make the PS3 worth buying right now, I think that Sony may have acted too early in forcing Kutaragi to retire. When Final Fantasy comes out, then I think that more consoles will sell. But right now, there's still too many games that haven't come out. They're still developing games for the PS2, and with the massive library for that system, (not to mention the cheaper price) people can wait until better games come out for the PS3 before buying a PS3.

I'm still waiting for Shiro Kishi to come out for the PS3. Anyway, with all my video games for the PS2, I should really wait until I beat them all. That's one problem...there's so many good games coming out that I don't want to have to pay a high price to buy them on ebay when they stop developing those games. Valkyrie profile for the PS still sells at about $100 on ebay. I'm so glad that it came out for the PSP.

Anyway, I guess the news about Kutaragi retiring is old, but still, the guy is only 56 years old and has some good years left in him. I hope that Sony doesn't cheapen its systems later on. I still think that the PSP has a lot of potential. I think that you can download PSone games on your memory card if you have a psp and ps3, but then again, I don't know for sure. And it kind of sucks that you always have to buy multiple systems of sony to get what could have been done on one system. But I guess it makes sense to download stuff on your ps3, so that you'll always have it and don't have to worry about getting a new memory card. Anyway, I've babbled on for quite a bit.

Sunday, la la la Monday...not quite

That's from a song that we taught in my company to the Japanese school kids. This one girl on the street was singing that except she forgot Monday so she got lost in the song, but I probably shouldn't have laughed so hard as I did in my aparment when I heard that. She might have heard that and been scarred for life. heh

Anyway, someone asked me today if I was glad to be back...I'm glad to be back, but it still doesn't feel that much different in terms of how I feel. When I left I forgot about all the problems back home and I didn't have to deal with it. Only that new problem arose in my new place. Coming back, I left the new problems in Japan and now have to deal with the old problems. Maybe it's nothing, but I do think that people have problems with me, even though they don't say it, they do it in their passive aggressive way like cold stares. But then if they say anything, then it's their problem, not mine. So I'll keep on doing what I'm doing. I'm not doing anything that is hurtful to anybody else, I'm mainly minding my own business, but yeah, part of knows that people still have problems with me and that will never go away. So I guess I just have to deal with it and ignore those people. "Those" people...heh, who are "those people" I can name off people, but still, nobody has said anything to me, so whatever...maybe it's nothing. Anyway, "those people" are good people, but I kind of wonder if I'm something wrong...or maybe people are just suspicious of me. Who knows...it's probably nothing.

Anyway, I made it to church again...yay for me! I woke up late again. Last night, we celebrated one of our friends in town again. It lasted until about 12:30am. We just played this game kind of like Taboo where you write nouns on small pieces of paper and the first round is like taboo, where you can't say the word, but you use other words to describe it and your team has to guess what it is. The 2nd round is where you have to act it out, you can't say anything and your team has to guess. The 3rd round is you say one word and that's all you can say, and again, your team has to guess. each person gets a minute to do as many as they can.

Everyone can write whatever nouns they want to on the little pieces of paper. There just needs to be enough so that everyone on both teams can go through at least once for each round. So there needs to be quite a bit. For all three rounds, you use the same pieces of paper, so you need to remember what was said so it'll be easier for the other two rounds.

The nouns I chose were, Costco, Mark Hamill, Death Star, Tomato, and Salsa. It was really funny to see Costco acted out. I had no idea what he was doing as he was picking stuff up off of a shelf and putting it in an imaginary cart. The girls didn't know death star or Mark Hamill, but they got it anyway because of some ingenious work done by one of the pharmacists there. Man, it was a good time.

Someone put our names in the basket so when someone was trying to act me out, I had no idea who that was. But everyone else did. I didn't realize that I wave my hand and bow my head quite a bit...hmm....

Anyway, so back to today...I got to church and it was almost the end of the sermon. But the part that I did catch was an important part. The speaker was talking about his mission that he went some few years ago to South Africa. He was a teacher at this Bible college teaching the native Africans stuff about the Bible and learning to live it out not only in ministry, but in their community.

Anyway, he described how the people would have only so much money to buy food and they'd spend almost all of it the first two weeks eating out and have only bread and jam for the rest of the 9 months. The students were responsible for their own meals and they rarely ate together. What the missionary did was change that and made the students responsible for cooking one meal for the rest one night of the week for each person. To make a long story short, they would learn how to live and get along together and they would learn how to be in community even though they were from different backgrounds (tribes and sometimes no tribe).

The main point that I took from his sermon was that "You don't need the sermon on the mount if you're not living in community and life together. That's not true if you are."

When I think about church and the body of Christ, I know that we all are imperfect and will have problems with each other from time to time. But I also know that things won't get solved if nobody lives life together with the other people and gets to know them reciprocally. A Relationship with God and relationships with people are important, because nobody can survive on their own, especially if you are part of the body of Christ. Breaking down the dividing wall of hostility is what Christ did and still does today.

I guess it is my problem that others have problems with me. I know the first to do is always to pray and seek God's guidance. They are my brothers and sisters and I am their brother. We can't escape that. And God did come down so that we all could live together with one another. But still, it's going to be tough.

Anyway, I've always felt like a problem wherever I went...and apparently I do cause stress to other people by just being me. But still, I do believe that God can do work in me and others and that we all can get along.

So yeah, life together in Christ. The sermon on the mount, and the early church.

I'm glad I made it to church, because it showed me that there is still much work to be done.

However, I still don't want to revisit old problems that I left behind again tonight at a retirement party. I think I'm going to skip out on that. I never made any relationships at my old church, except for a few the same age as me. But I'll always remember how I hated going to church every Sunday. This was the church that I used to go to before I became Christian. I don't think that they want to see me and I don't want to be there. Really, I don't.

Anyway, I think that I'll just keep to myself for tonight. Man, I should have stayed with my friends and watched that movie.

The reason why I don't want to go tonight, is that I went to a couple funerals and it was my childhood all over again. I didn't have a happy childhood. Old faces and just things between me and the rest haven't changed. Why would it? We just haven't seen each other for 10-15 years. Why would things change if we didn't work on them? Nothing changed in my relationships with them. That's what happens when you avoid people. That's what happens when you don't talk. I guess I could change that tonight, but I'd rather keep things buried like a skeleton in the closet. heh, yeah that sounded stupid. heh. But that's how things are. Maybe you have some of the same things too. But then this is just me. Anyway, I'm not saying it's them, but it's me too.

One last note...if you're not mature enough, then things may not get resolved. And sometimes you've got to let them be. But you can always turn to God for that if it means something to you.

I guess I need to forgive again.

I'm wondering if I should keep on dreaming of working in something related to the Japanese language and video games, or if I should give up on that dream and just get a job elsewhere. I guess it wouldn't hurt to keep studying Japanese. It never hurts to keep learning a language. I guess the wannabe dreams will have to be put on hold for now while I find other jobs to earn money to live.

I guess maybe I should really consider working at that company that my friends work at. But there's no guarantee that I'll even get the job. Oh well...just got to make sure that I keep on studying Japanese or study computer programming. Computer programming most likely won't happen anytime soon though.

I'm getting older and I've never made my dreams come to life except when I worked in Japan for a little bit. It's going to take a lot of hard work....so I'd better get going. Man, things keep on popping up and it seems like I may never get enough time to study. I guess that's what happens when you get older. It's not a bad thing, but staying balanced will take time from things that you really want to do.

Man, I am hopelessly addicted to coffee. I can imagine myself having diabetes sometime in the near future. ugh...

Anyway, I've been watching this anime called "Wolf's Rain" on DVD. The first box set is about $23 on Amazon right now. Not sure how long that's going to stay at that though. The 2nd box set, (which I didn't get), is about $45 or $35 one of the two...

Anyway, it's a pretty dark and depressing anime. It's written by two people, BONES (whoever that guy is), and Keiko Nobumoto. Keiko Nobumoto did some work on Cowboy Bebop, so it's not surprising that it has some of the same depressing elements in it.

The story goes...at the end of the world, there is a paradise that only Wolf's can find. That's the whole thing, the main characters are wolves who can talk and make their appearance in the form of a human. This anime was on the cartoon network for a little while, but I really don't want to watch anime in English, so I waited for it to come to DVD at a reasonable price.

Anyway, I like this anime, it's really different. I've only watched about 3-4 episodes so far though, so I don't know too much about this.

Anyway, I need to study Japanese some more before I go out tonight. So I'd better get going.

Nothing really to post. I need to get a job though. Also, I should go to sleep earlier as I've read that sleep helps memory. No more late nights for me. heh.

Anyway, if you're interested in knowing more about memory and sleep, you can find the article on MSN here.


If you want to find a bunch of articles on MSN about sleep go here.

Impossible? Nothing is impossible with God. Crazy how God can do the impossible...not saying He does what we want Him to do, but saying that it's crazy how He can do great things and it will be for the greater good. Not saying He does do that for us all the time.

Faith can move a mountain. Shows me that I have little faith right now.

I don't usually talk about important things in my blog, so I'm not going to. Anyway, I feel that I'm doing a little bit better since I got back from Japan. I can thank God because of this. Spending time with Him always is a good thing. Anyway, being in Japan, I didn't go to church or pray, or read the Bible that much. I think that that had a bad effect on me. I didn't realize just how far I fell until I came back and was among my friends who are following Christ.

Anyway, it shows you just how much you can forget after being away. I still have a lot to work on...but we'll see what happens. Anyway, got to get going.

Okay, so I went to church today...finally. My friend called me up because I told him that i probably wouldn't make it to church the next day. So he told me that he'd call me up so that I'd wake up. I'm lucky to have friends who are concerned with my spiritual health.

Anyway, so my bible study has been praying for me to get back to God as well as some of my friends. I guess it's finally starting to pick up. We'll see it if happens next week though.

Anyway, it was good to go to church today. I thought that church was at 10am instead of 9:30, but it was at 9:30, so I arrived late again by 30 minutes. Oh well.

Anyway, I fell asleep during the message again. It wasn't anything that I hadn't heard, but it would have been good if I stayed awake. Since it was mother's day, they gave a message for those who usually don't come to church. I kind of wonder if there was anybody new to the church and just came because it was mother's day. But then I don't know. I was too concerned about myself.

It was a little strange being back, but good to back. I'm always surprised that people are glad to see me. They barely know me and I'm always wondering...why the heck are they greeting me? Usually I'm used to people giving me weird looks....maybe I'm making a weird face or something...but yeah, it was kind of different after being away for 7 months.

I guess one thing that I need to work on is being reliant on God more than getting things done right now...as I have no job. But still, I can't keep on putting off a job. My pastor asked me if I would go back to my old job...and I just might...but it'd take me 5 months to get benefits and I don't want to spend the rest of my life there. I mainly took that job as a temporary job to earn money, but I spent more than a year there before I found my other job that I just left, which was teaching English.

Maybe I'm not motivated or maybe I got it too easy right now. I guess I should keep on looking for a job no matter what. What someone told me was that if you don't have a job, you've got to make your job finding that job and getting that job or some other job.

Anyway, one last thing...I've come to see that I've changed since going to Japan. I have some life lessons that I learned, but I think that I've lost some things in terms of where I used to be. Anyway, one of the main things that I'll take from Japan is that I've seen the majority in America become the minority in Japan and how they felt when they were treated as "others". I basically think that it's good for people to go to another country to experience what life is like there. What I've seen is that the majority will look after itself and even push the minority down. That's not everyone, but it does happen subconsciously. Racism in America is not dead and even in Japan, you'll see some of what it's like to be the "other", even if you're asian. But still, I think that it's easier to blend in for me in Japan since I look Japanese, but it's tougher, because the expectations are so high.

Anyway, why I say that "if people get to know each other as people then this world would be a lot better," is that people aren't so different from each other when it comes down to the main things. People are different from each other even in the same race and different races, but still, we all have something in common with each other. Cultures are different for sure, but I do think that if we try to understand one another, then this world will be better off and we'll be better off. But I guess that will be a long time before that happens.

I guess for me, I still have a long way in trying to reach this ideal. I struggle with friendships and relationships. I thought that I was an understanding person, but I'm seeing that there's still quite a bit that I have to work on. I said some things recently that may have hurt others. Especially when it comes over im. But I think that maybe they'll just be some people that I may never get along with. And from my changes, I hope that I don't drive away my family and friends. I guess I've just got to look at where I'm at and try to move forward from my journey backwards. Or maybe a more adequate explanation is, a journey in a different direction leading to a different door and find my way to the right door.

Anyway, I've got to get going. I'm seeing just how much time I'm spending on blogs and online.

I don't know...

It seems like since i came back, I've noticed that I've changed quite a bit. I've become more irritable, angry and impatient. I remembered back before I left that I was a lot more patient than i am now. I don't know what happened to me.

Anyway, it seems like I'm not treating the people in my life as well as I'd like to. Even those far away.

I can see that not spending time with God in His word, at church, in fellowship, or prayer can have an effect on a person. Oh well...just got to pick up the pieces and start again.

I know that nobody will be perfect...but we should try to become better people. I guess getting my priorities straight everyday will have more of an effect. We'll see if that happens.

The Last Remnant

Apparently for Square-Enix, they showed off this new game to Gamespot and others. They said that they expect it to be the next cornerstone of their gaming franchise. You can find the article here. Or just got to www.gamespot.com and go to PS3 or XBOX360 and look at the main titles showing.

It's still in development, but there is a simultaneous release in the future for the US and Japan. I guess that sucks for localization in game translation. But I think that since Square-enix has their own US branches in LA and Hawaii they can do that without having to hire outside contractors. They just use their own employees. Wow, the translators are going to have quite a bit of work ahead of them. I guess that's to be expected in the game industry.

Anyway, I've always come to expect great things from Square-enix. Even their disappointments are still better than some games out there.

Anyway, Ultimate Jump stars is a really fun game if you're playing other people. Too bad I don't have my guys powered up so my decks really suck right now. I lost to my friend 9 out of 10 times. I have to get my revenge! Well, at least in the arena of Jump Ultimate stars.

Anyway, got to get going. It's getting late.

Man, I spent too much time playing Star Wars Epic Duels last night. I think that a lot of good board games take a long time to play. Man, someone has to make an online version of that game somehow or sometime. Hopefully Hasbro or Milton Bradley will do that. But it's doubtful. My friend just immed me an online board game link. I think that I'm going to try it out. I'll ask my friends if they want to play it also. But knowing how little time we all have, it might be doubtful. Settlers though...someone did make an online version of that game. I think Microsoft did.

On NPR today, I heard a report that said Bill Gates promoted internet TV and that it will be more common than regular TV. I wouldn't doubt that. I'd say that it's a really good idea considering how people can just click and watch a program when they want to instead of having to watch it at a certain time on their HDTV. It won't destroy regular TV, but it will be another option. Anyway, if the internet ad companies can get their software really good, then I think that it'll be a big money making business for TV companies. But who knows...it might flop...but I'm doubting it knowing how many people watch stuff on their computers nowadays.

If TV companies can find a way to make cheap downloads for everyone, or even free downloads for everyone with ads somehow in there, then I'd say that it'd be a smash hit until piraters figure out how to beat the system.

Anyway, it might not be too weird for people to have only internet connections and no cable TV sometime in the future. I doubt that TV will go away anytime soon. There's just so many people who do channel surfing and hear about other shows from TV commercials.

Anyway, the report was only around 10 to 15 seconds, so it's not big news. But, in 3-4 years, it could be the next wave. heh. Man, I'm so behind the times nowadays. I've been spending too much time doing other stuff like surfing ebay and looking for a job. Oh well...maybe I should apply at Costco. heh. It might be better than just wasting my time. At least, I'd have something to do. Oh well. No promises that I'd get that job.

Anyway, i've wasted enough time right now.

Job?

My dad went to Costco today. He said that there's lots of strange people working there and that it'd be easy for me to get a job there. hehe. Hmm...I don't think that he meant that I am strange, but he said that I should apply there because it doesn't seem like their standards are very high. heh. All I know is that it's hard to get a job at Costco. Mainly because everyone wants a job there. You can advance to a good position in that company, but you'll mostly be working in the store warehouse.

One thing that I know with any job is that if you want to move up, you need experience or an education in what the position will require you to know. But sometimes, you can move up the ranks and become something else without any experience. I guess that's why internships are regarded as something valuable.

Oh well...I guess I should look again for freelance jobs.

Okay, I have 3 hours to kill. I should study Japanese. Hmm...

Can you do this?

Dude, my friend told me about this show on the channel G4, which our area doesn't get, but it is pretty crazy. Anyway, there's a spot on Youtube that has the 2nd man to complete this course. In the description, it says that he's a 34 year old fisherman. Anyway, you can find the link here.

The show is called Ninja Warrior. Who says Asian guys are nerdy?

Sunday action

Well for me, it didn't start until 5pm. I woke up late today, so I didn't go to church. One reason why I don't go to church late is that I know that everyone knows that I showed up late for a majority of the times that I went, so I just got tired of that and decided, no, I'm not showing up at all. I guess that's a bad attitude, and maybe I just need to get over it and forgive the church for hurting me, even though they didn't mean it that way. Anyway, it's not like I show up late because I want to. And most people will never understand why. But that's my life. I'm sure that a lot of people will not understand why some other people are the way they are. You can't get into someone else and know what they go through or what they feel. People can understand once in awhile, but nobody knows what goes on inside of another person except God. Anyway, so I didn't show up to church.

Anyway, my friends called me up to see Spiderman 3. Great movie. I won't spoil it for anybody, but just so you know and aren't disappointed, a lot of people didn't like it. It's pretty long. All I knew during the movie was that I shouldn't have drank that bellucino from Tully's before the movie. I kept on trying to hold it in, but I had to leave right after the action ended to go to the bathroom and relieve myself. So I missed the very end. Oh well...I'm going to buy the dvd anyway. Blu ray maybe? I don't know which is going to win...hd or blu ray....but my bet is on blu ray.

One thing that I liked about all 3 spiderman movies was that it showed that we're all human. This last movie showed that even the bad guys are human.

This movie reminded me a lot of my childhood. Spiderman is my favorite all time hero. I can relate the most to Spiderman than any other superhero. He definitely is not perfect and he is a nerd. heh. Anyway, what I liked the most about Spiderman was that he has a sense of right and wrong. Maybe that's what helped me so much during my time in Jr. High and high school. Spiderman...and other cartoons like it. Yes, I watched cartoons in high school. I still watch cartoons now...well, anime. But it seems like anime doesn't have the lessons to be learned as my childhood cartoons did.

Anyway, that's one aspect of children's storywriting as I learned in Creative writing class. It should help a child learn a lesson, or reaffirm their uniqueness and some other things that I learned way long ago that I don't remember. But those two always stand out in my mind.

Anyway, growing up is tough. Anyone can tell you that. Even this world, the outside world is much harsher when you get older. Being a teacher in Japan for a little bit, I was reminded that kids usually don't see how special they are, unless they're told. Or, they might be the opposite and have to talk about themselves all the time because they don't feel special. The roles of teachers and parents is a tough one. Teaching children not only things to help them in their careers, but also teaching them life lessons too. And showing them that they are loved even when this world could care less.

Thanks Spidey. Thanks mom and dad. Thanks friends I met in college. Thanks Shem who first told me that God loved me and literally saved my life. Thank you God for loving me and everyone else first before we loved you.

Anyway, tonight was a trip back into the past that I forgot a long time ago. Well, I never really forgot it, it was just in the back of my mind. It's still a part of me, but I know that I'm a better person because I experienced those things and was brought out of it. I'm luckier than most.

It reminds me that there's a reason for everything. I'm wondering what my purpose here on earth is. And I feel that I may never realise that. Partly because I'm scared to go out and wage war on the heavenly plane, but partly because I've failed so much that I don't want to go out there and fail someone else. Maybe I just need to get over that and do it. Is it better to "never try" as Homer Simpson says? Is it better to aim low? I've never wanted my life to count for nothing, but I kind of wonder if it will stay ineffectual. Anyway, I don't see myself changing anytime soon.

I was thinking a lot about the past tonight. But what can you do when these things come back? Anyway, I was glad to see Spiderman 3. I was glad to eat out with my friends.

I don't know why I thought of all of this recently. I think that I was thinking about these things as I was leaving the house. Anyway, I hope that I can become a better person. I have become better in some sense of my life. But I can improve a lot more. Anyway, I don't need to be thinking of this now.

Anyway, now I remember what triggered it. Oh well...everywhere is about the same in some sense. Just different things for each place, but definitely human biases. I guess I've got to learn how to not take things so personally, especially when they come from strangers that I'll never see again. It's kind of like Japan in some sense, there are some nice people there and there are some people who aren't so nice. In America, there are some nice people here, and there are way more people who are not so nice. Especially if you're different in any way. But I know that that's because people don't know others...it's impossible to know everyone. But maybe that's best as not everyone will get along. I guess in this world that's how things are. The only person different that I've come across is God. Not in humanform, but through His word and through His presence.

Oh well...I guess nothing will ever be perfect until a long time passes and God comes back to earth.

Is it too much to ask for?


I never am able to wake up for church on Sunday. It's the weirdest thing. I wonder if it's because I don't want to go? I don't know. I always wonder why the heck I can't wake up on time. Maybe I should just go late. Even if I miss the message.

It's really bad. I did this all throughout my time in Japan. I would have been better off if I went, even if I went late, but I have this stigma now that people are always expecting me late. Maybe that's because I'm late for a lot of things.

I keep on saying things, and I'm not able to deliver. Am I not serious enough? Am I not responsible enough? Am I not able? I think that it's not too much to ask for to be on time. Just got to be more aware of things.

Anyway, I've not shown up to church for a long time because I just woke up late and didn't want to go late. It's always embarassing to show up late in the sanctuary with everyone watching. Well, maybe not everyone. I know that most people don't care and that they're glad that I did show up, but I just feel like a loser everytime I show up late. I guess the answer is, don't show up late. But that's why I haven't shown up at all. heh.

Anyway, maybe I am loser right now. I have a long way to go, as many people do. I guess we'll never reach our limit of potential until we're too old to actually remember anything. I'm still young right now, even though I feel old. Nope didn't make it to church. Sorry guys. I guess I don't have to be sorry to them, but sorry to myself. But I don't feel too sorry. I just feel stupid. But this problem can go away if I succeed in making it too church on Sunday.

I'm always wondering why I'm here. Why am I here? What purpose do I have in this world? And why the heck can't I find a job? Even though I have a part time job that is not too bad, I need to find a full time job doing something. I guess with no experience in what I want to do, nobody wants to have to put up with showing someone the ropes when they could get someone else who has already done the job in another job. What i'm talking about is document translation. I do have some experience in it, but I can still improve a lot more.

Right now, it's 1am. There is a centenial luncheon tomorrow for my church. Yup, my church has been around for 100 years...kind of crazy that it's survived that long. It all started out with some of the Christians over here having a heart to reach out to the Japanese immigrants in 1907...crazy. I know little of our history, but i do know that it started with the first generation of Japanese and is still going in the fourth generation. Some of the 2nd generation is still at my church, but they're starting to die off from old age.

Anyway, enough about church.

I'm wondering what is ahead of me. I think that I haven't really thought about what God wants for my life lately. Tonight when I got to fellowship, I thought about how distant I've grown towards others. I definitely am not the same as I was before I left to Japan. I've changed in some sense, and I've also seen that I'm less tolerant of crap. One thing that I've also become is more "me" centered as I've lost my focus on God. Tonight when we prayed, that closeness I once felt seemed so....distant and that's why I was thinking about that too in my relationships towards others.

Anyway, it's nothing that people can fix, I've got to just do what I know is good for me. Why is it that it's so easy to surf the net and so hard to spend time with God in His word or pray? I guess it's easy to get distracted and forget about God for the time being.

Anyway, not going to church has a definite effect on things. Man, I just wish that they had it in the afternoon. But then, it'd kind of suck for the evening and the job the next day...if I had one.

I think that better things will come if I relearn to love God again and are obedient to Him not because it'll help me, but because of my love for Him. That should be the reason why we do things...not because it'll help us, but because we care. Maybe I'm a sucker to most people, and even maybe my parents, but I do think that you don't do things to help others because it'll benefit you, but because you want to help them.

However, I've been asked to help out from time to time from people, and I still didn't want to do that, but sometimes I said yes, and sometimes I said no. I do think that I need to get my priorities straight still in this area and other areas.

Limits...that's the key. If you don't know your limits, then you'll be unhappy, or worse, upset. Clint Eastwood was right, "A man's got to know his limits." I think that was in one of the western movies he did. Anyway, my point is, limits are healthy...man...I guess I should follow my own advice. No more buying video games like crazy. heh. Man...that was bad.

Man, I'm kind of tired. It was a long day...but it was good though. I'm kind of nervous about this part time job.

Anyway, I remembered some things that I need to do.

1. Study Japanese today
2. Get my priorities straight
3. do something other than looking at ebay for deals
4. Read and finish the first chapter of Slam Dunk (manga). Sucks that they cancelled the American release of that anime. Oh well...it probably wouldn't have done so well given the fact that it doesn't start out very interesting, but one guy I knew in college loved that story. He even had all the fansubs and manga of it. So I thought, it's probably worth checking out. I saw one episode of it in college. It's basically about a Jr. High school student who knows nothing about basketball, but goes into because a girl he was attracted to asked if he liked basketball. heh. Shallow reason huh? Maybe that's why it didn't do so well here.

Anyway, enough wasting time. It's already 9. Anyway, task two is done for now. I can work on that some more later. Now on to task 1 and 4.

I don't know why, but I fell back asleep after I woke up and walked the dog today. I didn't think that I was that tired...I went to sleep by 12am, but I went back to sleep and woke up at 4pm! Crazy...man, that really sucks as my time for today is now just wasted away. Hmm...maybe all that coffee I drank made me not sleep so well last night.

I've become addicted to coffee. Oh well...

Anyway, one of my friends offered me a job writing up summaries about something. I'm not sure if I'll get paid that much because it's only 5 cents per summarized word, but maybe I can do that. It's better than nothing.

I'm thinking about going back to my old job, but then again, I don't want to die early from unnatural sleep cycles. Ie aging really quickly. I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. Hmm...oh well. We'll see.

One of my friends told me to go back to school and learn a trade. Japanese is one trade, but it's going to take some years for me to get it learned well enough. Programming is another thing that I've been thinking about. I would like to become a programmer, but living that lifestyle is another thing. Would it be just as bad as teaching English? At least I'd be dealing with people who speak the same language as me. So that might be okay, but again, programming is a language also and it'll take some time to learn how to program in the correct way.

I guess I've just got to do it and get it done. I can't keep on dreaming and never putting anything to practice. So many people have dreams to become something great. But many never realise that dream...because they don't go out and make it happen. I'm one of them. I've been talking about this for a long time. One of my friends told me that he's been hearing the same things from me for a number of years and that I should give up and find a job even if it's a little boring. I'm wondering...that might be what I have to do. But definitely I know that I can do better. I do know that it's going to take me getting off my butt and getting work done. I should make a progress chart somewhere on my computer. Yeah, I think I'll do that in excel.

Okay...I've got to go to sleep because I have to wake up early tomorrow. Man, I'm so not tired.