So what are you going to do?

Not sure...I really should be applying to different jobs...I keep on thinking that I want to do stuff that relates to Japanese, but then when I look at my own life, I see that I get frustrated with the things that I can't understand right now in the language. I guess I need to make sure that I learn something new each day...man...I already mailed all my texts back to America except my manga. I guess I won't know what I'll be doing when I get back...I guess I should make a schedule in terms of my studying...but I wonder if I'll be motivated enough to get going on that. Oh well...

My lot in life...not a bad lot, but one that requires me to depend on God a lot more than i have been doing. Anyway, I don't know what the heck I'm doing here. Or what the heck I will be doing in the future. But I do know that God is good. I went to church again in Tokyo with my friend. I need to make it to my church here in Yamanashi this next Sunday. Man, I don't know what to say. But yeah, definitely hearing a message about LIFE is something that i need to hear more of. I lost my direction these past 7 months. I probably could have made more of an impact here, but I think that I need to go home.

I don't know what will happen to the people here, but I hope that the person after me will be a good person at least and will be a Christian. I guess I should pray more. Anyway, don't know what else to say. There is a need, but I think that I need to rest. I don't know what to say, but I wasn't planning to stay in Japan for more than 2 years. I stayed here less than a year. I don't know...I don't know why I'm here. I guess I'll never know until much later.

Anyway, I'm going to miss Japan. I'm going to be a fish out of water again when I return. I know that I'm going to be a little abrasive when I come back. heh.

Okay, I think that I need to stop the madness. I don't know how the heck I'm going to be able to read all of these games if I don't start studying Japanese and put down the video games. heh. I thought playing video games in Japanese would help, but it just creates more confusion for me. I think the key is to study Japanese, so that I'll be able to read what they're saying. heh...

I haven't been doing much lately. Only staying in my apartment. I wonder if I should travel around Japan for a little while. But I know that I wouldn't do that. heh.

To get to Osaka from my place, it cost $200 roundtrip. I was lucky that I got to go there at all. Anyway, my days haven't been filled with too much. I've been mainly just going to work, coming home and doing nothing but surf the net. Sometimes I write on my blog or check Fantasy sports.

Today, I talked to one of my friends online. He asked me if i gave up anything for Lent. I knew that it was the Lent season, but I didn't give up anything. I wonder what I could give up...Internet shopping? That might be tougher than I thought. I'll talk it over with one of my other friends. That might save the remaining time I have here in Japan as I spent most of my time surfing amazon or yamada denki. Freaking Yamada denki is the slowest website ever. I guess it gets a lot of hits from electronic crazy shoppers. heh. I don't even know when Easter is...hmm...

Oh well...I just looked it up and it's April 8th. That would be a long time to go without internet shopping, but maybe I should give up video game shopping totally and not internet shopping. I don't know...I should talk it over with G-sak if he thinks that this is a good thing. GC what do you think? email me if you read this.

Man, I've got to do something with my time here. Maybe i'll watch Bleach on the internet. Man, I love that anime. I should read the manga too as I don't catch all that they say.

Anyway...notice the new made up word in the label.

Hmm...maybe I should stop the madness. But I can't!!!

Anyway, I was talking to a friend tonight about how many video games I bought here in Japan. I told him, give me two minutes to count.

I counted 60. that's sick. I calculated all of that up, and that was about more than one months work of pay. I guess I see where my priorities lie. Video games, rent, food, electricity, water, and hopefully God comes into play somewhere.

I honestly must say that I haven't been to church in about 4 months. Ever since November...Anyway, I think that I've been really stressed with this teaching job. Now that it's ending, I'm finding that I'm able to wake up a little bit easier on the weekends. Which could explain why I bought so many video games these past 6 months. 10 video games a month does seem like quite a bit. Well, it wasn't 10 video games a month...it was more like, 3-6 and in the past 5 days, around 15. Hey, I'm not expecting to get these again for awhile. Hmm...oh well...I guess I should be more careful with my money. But man, I do have a weakness when it comes to spending money. Hmm...that's not a good thing. oh well...maybe I can sell these once I get back. Anyway, I'm hoping that I'll be able to find a job somewhere when I get back soon.

Hmm...I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I come back. But I think that my future will involve video games. heh. Maybe I can do that as a job sometime. Hire me as a video game tester!!! I guess I need programming experience. More school for me.

I'm wondering what I'll be doing as a job when i come home. I wasn't offered another year, so I'll be coming home in April for sure. Maybe I can beat these games that I bought and then sell them. heh.

Anyway, I think that I need to stop the madness and stop buying so much. I'm going to be on a very limited income soon.

I'm wondering why the heck I'm spending so much lately. I probably was spending this much in my past 6 months here. It's crazy...a one hundred yen coin is $1 in the US. Usually I think of coins as something like quarters...so I guess I should be a lot more careful when I go shopping. The smallest bills here are 1000 yen bills which is the equivalent of a $10 bill. I think that maybe I'm just too spendy with my money. It's freaking bad. I might be out on the streets someday if I'm not careful.

Anyway, keeping track does not seem to help me. I think I need to make a reasonable limit for myself each day. An allowance of how much I can spend on entertainment, an allowance on food and coffee, and an allowance on my bills. Not saying that I'm going to not pay my bills, but what I'm saying is I need to limit how much water I use, meaning not running the shower constantly when I'm showering. That's one of my favorite things to do is to warm up by taking a hot shower. It's still kind of cold here.

Anyway, I see that I need to really watch what I buy at the grocery store, as that is 2nd in terms of my spending. Okay, budget...$20 a day...30 days...$600 to spend on bills and food and entertainment. The rest needs to be saved. Hmm...that's not much I'm saving if you count rent...hmm...maybe I need to limit myself to just paying the bills and limit myself to $100 a month on groceries, eating out, and video games. Hmm...that's pretty tight. I'm wondering if I should count transportation...maybe not. That's a necessary given if you're taking the train. I never take taxis...too expensive.

Anyway, okay, $100 a month divided by 30 is 3 dollars a day. hmm...I'm not sure if that's possible. Oh well...I should probably try to limit the coffee or at least fast coffee...man, I can't stay awake then...oh well...I need to think about this some other time.

I just realized after reading my blog that I tend to spend way too much, even when I don't intend to. Bad habits die hard. Oh well...I wanted to make sure that I got this ps2 before they stopped selling them again. For some reason, it seems like PS2s are still hot in Japan. I guess that's true after the PS3 is not able to play all the ps2 games and psone games while the ps2s are able to. It looks like the PS2 won't go away that easily. And I was expecting it to go way down in price. Oh well.

PS2 baby!!! I bought the slim silver edition! oh yeah. Sexy, sleek, and silver!!! I waited a full year before I bought it again.

The previous year, I bought it on Ebay. But for some reason, the guy selling it didn't send it to me. Anyway, I guess it all works out because I got it at the cheaper price now instead of paying a heck of a lot of money for the system and shipping. I guess I could sell it on Ebay, but then I think...not too many people have that much money to spend on foreign PS2s.

Anyway, I'm expecting to not get another year at my company, so I figure I might as well try to test some of these used games out. If I don't like them, then I could always sell them. I still have to buy a couple games for my friends who sent me a care package. I'm low on money because of all the freaking video games that I bought. I should sell these games. I might be able to make a couple dollars here and there.

Oh by the way, Valhalla Knights is a pretty interesting game so far. One thing however is that there's only one dungeon right now that I can explore. It has different areas, but it's kind of annoying that you can't explore other places yet. For some reason, I think that once I get to the boss in the dungeon I might be able to leave town. The gates are closed and the only place you can go to is further in towards the castle and in the dungeon. For some reason, the dungeon leads to the sewers, a mine, forest, then it leads to another underground castle, which is the furthest I've gotten, because my guys are pretty weak. I'm expecting greater things from this game, so we'll see if it meets my expectations. But still, I've got to get my lessons done before Saturday so that one of my friends will buy me a game. He's a good friend. But man, he really doesn't have to do that, but if he's offering, then I'm going to take advantage of that. heh. Most likely however, I won' t be able to finish by this Saturday. Oh well.

I'm probably not going to go exploring here in Japan. Maybe I should, but I think that maybe I should save my money while I can. I could experience more, but I kind of wonder if I should be thinking of my future. Anyway, no more buying electronics this month. Wait until march when I hear back from my company. Probably they won't tell me until the last minute...oh well. I'm not expecting them to give me another year. I was expecting that another year wouldn't come for awhile.

Oh well...maybe I should buy a PS3 here. heh.

Okay, I'm talking nonsense right now. I think that I should try to find what it is I want to do with my life. Lately, I've been thinking...."Does the Lord me so little to me?" I mean, I haven't been praying all that much and I haven't been doing what I should be. But what else is new? I haven't been doing what I should be for the past year and 6 months. Oh well...maybe now is a good time to start. Put down the computer and do something that is going to make some difference in my life. Yeah, the first step is always the hardest. Then continuing after that first step is a challenge. But I don't want to live as someone who has climbed up the wrong ladder. Or entered through the wrong gate and went somewhere else that is not as good as I could have gone to if I had been walking on the right path.

Anyway, the right path...means more than just reading or praying, but actually becoming and being, and doing. But more emphasis to me on the becoming. Being is what I am now, but becoming is a goal that I need to reach. I guess life is not about goals, but definitely I need to have a new marker in my life. The last one was in 2000. It's 2007 now.

oh yeah, I need to stop buying video games. Unless they're cheap, then maybe I can sell them. But yeah, I'm seeing that domestic games don't sell for very much in the country of origin. I think that the reason being that video game companies don't like other games being sent out of the country, because they can be bought at a lower price in the country of origin than other countries. Lik-sang, a import/export company got destroyed by Sony for sending Japan PSPs and PS2s to the UK. I think that they have the same region code. It's also cheaper to buy things in Japan and online than it is to buy it in the UK. So they have banned selling stuff to those banned regions for importers.

Anyway, I need to stop buying so many games that I want to play and start playing the games that I have now and beating them before I buy new games. But we'll see. I'm thinking that I won't get another year here, so I might as well buy games that I can't get in the states.

One of my friends told me that in everything, I need to make good decisions with my life. Video games and money is just one aspect of that. I need to grow up in my decision making process. For example, instead of staying up late, go to early. (that's not going to happen) Or, get your lessons done a week ahead of time instead of leaving them till the day before. Or be prepared when you go in to do something and not caught off guard. He told me that I don't have to give up my childhood, but I do have to make some good decisions.

I see what he's saying, because it's so easy for someone to be living on the streets, because of bad decisions or bad luck. But mainly, I think that unwise decisions lead to worse circumstances. So I need to take care of that.

Anyway, I should be more careful with my money. It's crazy how many video games are coming out here in Japan every month. I can't keep up with them. I kind of wish that the original Japanese language games would be in the states also. But I find that there's no import shops near my house in the states. Plus some of those import shops rip you off. Oh well. I know of some good sellers on Ebay. Definitely I can see why they stay in business. But I think that it's sometimes ridiculous how cheap some of their games are. I mean, don't your seller fees cost more than what you're selling the game at or what it sold at? I don't know...maybe they're just trying to win more customers. Definitely I love that shop on ebay. I'm not the only one though. It's crazy how much time it takes to list something and get it ready to ship.

I'm thinking...about some things. Maybe I should postpone that until tomorrow. heh

One thing about Ebay is that smart Ebayers bid on an item at the very last possible second if they want to save money. Ebay encourages you to make a small starting price to get people to get the first bid. I don't know why the heck it works, but apparently people need to learn some self control. Anyway, most people probably have some self control. But yeah, I know that for these games that I'm selling, most people don't know about them now, because one just came out in Japan, and the others are not well known names. Anyway, I like to buy stuff from sellers on Ebay because 1. they do put stuff out at a low price. The only problem is shipping.

Anyway, there are some awesome sellers on Ebay as well as many crappy ones. But yeah, the awesome ones will get my business.

Anyway, it's not a good thing to buy stuff at high prices that you could get elsewhere. But I do like ebay because sometimes it's the only place that you can get stuff.

Anyway, I probably could get in trouble if I sell a whole bunch of new stuff outside of Japan. The games usually say, "For Japan only." I don't know why. Anyway, it's nice to play games in a different language if it's the original language. I still have yet to understand them though. But we'll see. I just hope that I'm not wasting my time by playing these games. Maybe I need to write the vocab down.

I made it almost through the whole week. Now I just have to plan for next week. Thank God that things are not as bad as they seem. If you can hold on for one more day, then definitely things will get better. Maybe not immediately, but definitely later on in life. Making good choices with one's life is one way to improve too.

Without God, I don't know where I'd be. But luckily someone shared God with me when I didn't know Him. Anyway, I'm just lucky that I didn't get pulled into a cult, or else, I might have gone the other way. Well...thank you Lord.

I can't believe how much I spent in a month. I bought more than I thought that I did this month. Man, I spent my whole paycheck! I know because this is the first month that I kept track of how much I spent from the receipts and wrote it down on excel. Crazy.

Man, I'm terrible with money. When i think about other more important things, I realize that I haven't been thinking of them at all. Missionary friends, or saving up for future education, or even if I meet that special someone somewhere...No idea if I'm ready for that though, so I probably shouldn't look.

Anyway, this week, how i've changed my habits is that I tried not to visit the store to buy food. It's not like I'm starving myself, but yeah, I have so much food in my apartment already. Instant curry, instant ramen, Miso base, and a heck of lot of junk food. hehe. Really, I'm trying to only go to the market when I need to buy meat, cheese, and coffee. I'm thinking that I'm not going to stay another year so i'm trying to get rid of all the food in my pantry before I have to move and throw stuff away. But I still have to think about it some more.

Anyway, lets put it this way. There have been some great people here, but then again, there are a lot of people who probably don't like my lessons, including the kids, and may not think much of me as a person. While I try not to care about things like that, I'm thinking...maybe they'd be better off with someone else. Maybe I too would be better off somewhere else.

I can't expect to be a great teacher in 7 months. I can't expect to teach great lessons every time, but, when I'm running out of material, then i'm thinking...maybe it's time for me to come back home.

Anyway, my feelings were hurt for the past two to three weeks. I'm not sure if I want to stay in this area. I do know however, that I won't see the impact of my life here while i'm here. I'm just not strong enough in God to do so. I guess time is the key. What God can do in each person's life. It's pretty crazy here. It reminds of how China was back in the 1800s to 1900s when the foreigners were coming with the Word of God. I don't know much history, but I do know that because the British were oppressing the Chinese, that a lot of Chinese had trouble believing in what the Christians brought with them. Some even believed that missionaries who adopted Chinese babies only adopted them to eat their eyes. Some crazy stuff like that, because what can you expect when people who are oppressing you have people come and try to do stuff with you?

Anyway, i'm not saying that all the missionaries were good. Some probably were more righteous than others, but definitely being a missionary back then was serious stuff as you probably would die in the land that you went to to preach the gospel for the kingdom of God.

I don't know what to say anymore. I am not a good witness here. I failed many times. I hurt some people's feelings. I caused some people to see me and most likely others after me in a negative view. But maybe that's it...I just haven't been doing what I should be.

Anyway, there were no opportunities to share. Maybe I wasn't looking for them. Maybe it would cast a bad light on other Christians if I did. Anyway, that's me in a nutshell. I've always tried to achieve greater things, but I've always fallen short. It's like running a great race and not being prepared for it. You run hard, but then you get too fatigued to continue. I guess I need to train better and not slack off everyday. Okay, I'm in no shape to do this right now. Maybe I should come home.

Anyway, I haven't fully decided, but I'm leaning more towards coming home. I don't have a reason to stay in terms of my teaching. Some kids like me and some kids hate me. I think the reason is that I just will never be what people expect of me. Or since I came in the middle of the school year, that some kids liked the other teacher better. He was a great teacher I heard. Hard for me to follow in his shoes. But yeah, it just seems like I was destined for failure ever since training. Oh well, it's probably not my fault. And I can't help it if I don't meet their expectations.

Anyway, given the amount of complaints that I've received, I'm not receiving too much love from the teacher's side either. Anyway, for my personal health, I think that I should return. heh

anyway, I should try to save money in the time I have left, because I don't know when I'll have a job. I guess I could always go back to my old job. But I'm thinking...maybe I should try to utilize my time in Japan right now and try to translate some stuff. Heh. Translate...that takes time. Which I don't have. I think that March will come quicker than I will think. I don't know if I'll have another year to stay in Japan. But maybe it won't matter. I don't have a reason to stay here. I haven't taught a good lesson in awhile. If I do decide to stay...I'm thinking that I'd better have a good reason to stay. I'm not too happy at school. As most of the ALTs in my area are feeling the same way.

I think that the clash in culture has something to do with it. I don't know. Maybe it's just this area that I'm in. Kantou region vs. the other regions. Hmm...maybe it might be better to go home. Anyway, I guess I need to depend on God through it all. He's the only one I have to turn to.

Rogue Galaxy

I haven't played it yet, even though I own it here in Japan, I have still yet to buy a PS2 or PS3. The US version is supposed to be version 1.5 of Rogue Galaxy. They listened to the gamer's complaints about the game release in Japan. Some levels were extremely hard, while the next level would be extremely easy. Level 5 (the developer) made new changes to the game for the North American release.

If you're interested in seeing some screen shots, you can find it on the circuitcity website at www.circuitcity.com Or you can find it here

If you want to read more about it, you can find it here on gamespot found here.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I want to buy the US version when I have a copy of the Japanese version, but it might be interesting to see how they improved the game, except for the computer AI of your other characters. Maybe they improved that too. Who knows. Anyway, I've got to get to work.

I think...why is it when you're weakest means that you're strongest? I know that the only reason why that would be true is that you're depending on God instead of yourself. I can't seem to get that down, as I tend to rely on myself. I don't know how to depend on God. And I know from experience that it doesn't mean just letting God do what you're supposed to do. heh. God doesn't do what you're supposed to do. But I guess when I ask, He's there.

I guess I need to be praying more throughout this week. I've been struggling quite a bit in terms of wanting to go to work. I don't want to deal with this job anymore as I've only received complaints and disappointments. I guess if I participated more, then I would feel better, but I am reluctant to go out and take chances again. I'm tired of always disappointing someone. Maybe that's just one thing that I need to learn to live with. I can't please everyone. I can only please myself.

I guess I did do some good lessons now and then. Even this past simple lesson went well for the most part. Even though the head teachers and principals don't see my lessons, I know that at least the kids are understanding this stuff. That's good enough for me.

Oh well...don't give up. Work on being a better person.

I keep on forgetting how good God is. I have to make it to church. Oh well...we'll see. I probably will miss this next week too, unless I go visit G-sak in Tokyo. I don't know what to say. I probably won't be able to get my lesson done. I guess I should do what I said in my other blog. Just do the simpler lessons and just don't try to make something too extravagant. Man, I like making awesome things, but it just seems like I just don't have what it takes right now. Oh well...keep on trying to improve and maybe someday I will be able to.

Yes, someday...what some people hate. Someday may never come. hehe. Maybe they're right. Maybe I need to do it now.

Heh. Anyway, something that I just heard on Steven Curtis Chapman's cd was, the Change. I'm wondering if I need to die daily again. I guess I have work to do. I have not been lately. For about maybe 5 years. hehe. That's quite a bit of time. oh well...never too late to start again. Man, I so don't want to do that. But then again, if I want to make a difference here, I'm going to have to. Man, I really don't want to do this.