ditto

Right now, I'm tired. I want to go to sleep, but I'll write a little bit about what happened tonight.

So tonight, we celebrated one our friend's birthday. I've known him since college. He was a really cool guy then and is an even better guy now. I'm amazed at how he lives his life for God and how he treats everyone as how he would want to be treated.

He will do great things in the future.

I don't know what it is that I want to do with my life, but I hope that I can be someone who can be like that.

Anyway, as of right now, I'll most likely stop drinking coffee at night and just go to sleep. It seems like I always want to stay up at night as long as possible. I think the reason is that I don't want to start the next day.

I'm tired, but I want to just spend some time in silence or just thinking to myself.

Anyway, I probably should get a balance in my life.

Questions

I'm at that stage in my life where I'm expected to be somewhere. Not that anybody expects that out of me, it's that I expected that out of myself. I guess the real question is not "why I'm not there," it's "how am I going to get there?"

I could be a loser for the rest of my life. I could just stay where I'm at, maybe someday live on the streets. I keep on talking about what I want to do, but I'm not doing anything about it. It's like the guy who wants to get in shape yet eats junk food and doesn't exercise.

I know that it's going to take conscious decisions everyday to make the right choices. I don't know if I want to do that. I don't know if I can delay having fun now for something better in the future. Maybe I have too little will power right now.

Anyway, I don't have to come up with the answers tonight, but I'm thinking that maybe I should try to make some steps for each week. Goals, and progress reports and to "stick to them."

I kind of forgot what is most important in life. It's so easy to get sucked into the world of warcraft and lose focus on what I should be doing with my time.

Time...we only have so much time in our lives...sometimes the simple things are the things that matter the most.

Anyway, I've already made up my mind as to what I want to do before it hits Saturday. Someone told me that they've made up a rewards system for them to get stuff done. One point is one hour of World of Warcraft. heh.

New addictions

So it's now 2008 and I started something new. I've been sucked into the world...of Warcraft. So now, I've been spending most of my time online playing this game. I must say thought that it is a pretty good game. And the problem is that it never ends.

But we'll see. I'm actually saving money because I'm not buying any new games and I only have to pay a subscription fee of $15 a month. Which could be argued to be only 50 cents a day.

Anyway, I probably should do something productive with my time. We'll see what happens.

One of my goals this year was to grow closer to God. I guess I should set up something so that I'll do that first before I do anything else. I'll update more as time passes.

In other news, I really need to get my act together and do what I've said I'll do. Now is a good time to restart.

Nothing much to talk about. I've been feeling kind of down, and I think that it's because I'm not making it to church. I've been spending a lot of time playing video games on the weekends and during this holiday season.

I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future, but I know that I must be more responsible than I am now, or else bad things might happen in the future.

Anyway, I'm going to get going...

I was thinking today about a year ago when I came back from Japan for the holidays. It was good to see my family and friends, but I always will remember that it was way different from how I was treated in Japan. I guess it's kind of hard to explain, but I felt like I could be more open in Japan because I was away from all the norms from home.

When I came home, the feeling of being a little kid came back to me. Maybe it was living with my parents again or being around everyone and me expecting them to expect me to be a certain way. I don't know...but definitely I do feel like a kid again...even though my parents have been treating me more like an adult nowadays.

Maybe soon I'll be on my own again and then I'll be forced again to grow up. But for now, I'm not sure what I want to do with my life.

Don't get me wrong though...my parents have been really good to me. I just don't know what it is I want with my life.

Anyway, i've got to go...

I could write a lot now, but for the sake of going to sleep, I'm going to cut it down.

I went to my company party tonight, and had a good time. It was a really nice event that my company put together. I'm wondering exactly how much it all cost, because this seemed way too good than what I'm used to.

Anyway, lots of entertainment at the party...several people sang, several people played strings, and a band played at the end. They were called Kay Kay and were on a talk show recently. Man, it was just too much...but really awesome!

They had two dance instructors come in and teach everyone some dance moves. Apparently I need to brush my teeth after I eat, because I think that the people I switched off with didn't like that smell. heh. Anyway, had a good time with my date too.

My friends were wondering who I brought, as she didn't show up until later. And the answer is obvious, because there is only one person I feel comfortable with. Apparently people who I know read my blog as someone I didn't even tell that I was bringing someone asked me about who I was bringing. And he got his info from someone else. hmm...anyway, I know who you are. =)

Man, I probably should wake up tomorrow on time...I'm thinking that I'll most likely get fired someday for being late. Man, For some reason, I felt pretty weird today. I don't know why I felt so tired, but I was guessing that it had to do with those 2 twenty two ounces cans of iced tea I drank yesterday...hmmm...man, that stufff...got to cut it out. That's also another reason why I don't drink. It would ruin my life practically. So no booze for me...iced tea and coffee is as far as I'll go.

Man...okay, got to sleep.

[EDIT]

Okay, so I decided to youtube the band kay kay. Apparently they're called "Kay Kay and his Weathered Underground." You can find them on youtube found here.

[Another EDIT]
Okay, I found the link on youtube where they're on the Carson Daly show on the Last call. You can find the link here.

After a long week of feeling bad, I was thinking of not going to fellowship tonight. I didn't want to bring all the crap that I had going on this past week.

Anyway, I went to fellowship...because I always go to fellowship...but yeah, I still have some issues going on in the back of my mind right now.

Fellowship was good. Just a good time of talking to people. However, I kind of think that my face showed the pain that in my heart, because people probably reflected back to me my face that I was giving them.

I don't know what to say anymore...I guess I've got to just deal with it and pray. There are steps that I can take to make things better, but it will also take some initiative on my part.

I'm kind of tired of going to work each day and feeling bad most of the time. I can't think to myself and laugh to myself, because people think that I'm laughing at them. Maybe I'm weird, but I think a lot about the funny things that happened in the past. That's what happens when you're raised introverted. you make your own good time with yourself and are not very good at reaching out to others. Maybe that's something I should change about myself. To "force myself" as Harrison Ford would say...(taken from a TV interview on the news.)

Someone asked me today about if I'm looking forward to my company party. To be honest, I'm not really looking forward to my company party even though I will be going with good friends and a nice person as a date. Something about me is dreading this party...and I think that it's the fact that there will be drinking there and I just have bad memories of another party where everyone got drunk and acted really weird. That wasn't fun at all and I don't see how people can have fun when they're not in their right mind.

Well, I guess alcohol does loosen people up, but it is weird for me to be around people when they're drinking or drunk. I don't know what it is, but apparently something inside of me doesn't like that.

I can't seem to give the right answers to people, as I give weird tangents and off topic things about this party. But I am looking forward to going with my date and my friends there. But something about me just doesn't want to go to this party...and i'm dreading something...unforeseen. But most likely it's nothing.

Anyway, this week has been a hard week and I can see in people's faces my face in their looks or concerns they give to me.

My mom was right that I need to learn how to address these problems when they happen and not let them fester. I don't know what to think, but I think that maybe I need to spend more time with God on the weekdays. And learn how to talk to people when something bothers me and not just keep it to myself.

Frankly speaking, I can't keep letting people just say anything to me when it bothers me. I need to say something and speak up for myself. I'm an adult now. I know that I'm not a kid anymore. Maybe this is a lesson God is trying to teach me. Maybe I was meant to go through all this pain this past week.

Anyway, I want to say that I'm going to be a better person, but I can't say that, I can only make efforts and improve slowly...it's not going to happen by saying it...and I need to be conscious of decisions and their effects and consequences.

As for Christmas shopping...I still don't have things for most of the people on my list. I have 2 out of 7 so far. Man, I don't know what to say...maybe I should shop online...heh. ugh...well...got to get going

As I'm now working I'm finding that I have little time left in my day after work ends. Most of my life is now work and my relationships with my coworkers. I am also finding it tough to make it to church as I've been oversleeping for church. I don't want to show up late, but I don't want to wake up on time. It seems like something in me just wants to sleep in more...

I don't know what's happening to me, but I think that it has to do with me not taking care of myself. Why am I up this late? Or why am I not exercising? It probably has more to do with what I want instead of what's good for me.

One of my friends has been telling me that everything we do should be for the glory of God. I find that I'm having trouble doing that with what I'm doing in my own personal life. Why am I doing all these things? I'm not doing anything bad, but what I'm doing is filling my time with things that may not be beneficial. Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.

I wonder what my life would be like if I got things together. We'll see. Maybe this is a sign that I need to exercise and start to work faster. And get more sleep.

It seems like I have no time anymore...I probably should stop using the internet to check sports and read articles. Since I have little time, I probably should spend it better.

a day of near misses

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I even thought of not going to fellowship because I was in such a bad mood.

Anyway, nothing bad happened, but a lot of things could have happened...a lot of near misses. I won't go into details, but it just seemed like things were just not going my way.

I am lucky though that nothing bad did happen and I escaped for a day into the next. I can only say that God was looking out for me. It could have been even worse if those things did happen.

As I take the test tomorrow, I know I'm going to fail...I don't know what to say....maybe language isn't my thing. Maybe I just don't know how to delay my gratification to study and put that first instead of having fun. Well...I think this is another lesson that I should have learned the last two times I took the test. But yeah, we'll see what happens in the future.

According to this yahoo article, graveyard shifts are a "probable" cause of cancer.

I'm glad that I don't work that shift anymore...who knows though, if I get fired, then maybe I'll have to do that again. But yeah, the people who I saw that worked that shift at my old workplace looked really old compared to people I saw who worked during the day.

I guess maybe I need to take better care of myself and not stay up too late anymore...

More babble

I've been staying up way too late these past few nights of vacation. So I've been waking up at 2pm. heh. Oh man...so I missed church again. I don't know what it is, but I like to stay up for some reason. I don't like to go to sleep early, even though I would feel better. Maybe it's the fact that I can't use the TV until after my parents go to sleep.

Anyway, I should be studying for the JLPT...I don't know why I keep on taking these tests if I'm not going to study...I'm thinking that I should probably not sign up for the test until I can confidently say that I can pass it way before I sign up for it. Another year of failing...

But it has been a good year though...I went to Japan to teach English and came back even though I had failed there. I got another job because of my friends and I'm somewhat content now. Maybe that's why I haven't been studying...I'm really comfortable with where I am now.

Someone told me to not get too comfortable because you'll never know what will happen in the future. So I'm thinking that if I don't improve myself, I'll be in some trouble...

I don't know what it is, but I feel like I just want to take a longer vacation. But as the holiday season approaches, that's not possible. I might be working the day after Christmas...or maybe Christmas eve or the Saturday before it...but we'll see.

I guess I have a lot to plan for in terms of where I want to be in a year...or even where I want to be in terms of my language ability in the next month. I guess instead of making goals for the year or even the long term, I need to focus more on the short term goals...day by day, to week by week, to month by month...then it might be possible to reach those long term goals. I've been stuck in the same place for 3 years now.

But anyway, I have a lot to be thankful for. I experienced new things in my life...going to Japan and living there for a good amount of time...meeting some great people, and growing a little more from my time away from my parents. God has definitely been good to me in that I do feel that I am a better person than I was a year ago...

I guess I should be better to God...

JLPT is in two weeks...man, I am not ready...but then again, I just spent an hour reading articles about the ps3...and surfing the net...and fantasy sports...and well...you get the picture. My mom asks me why I keep on signing up for these tests if I'm not going to study. She said, "you'd think signing up for the test would motivate you to study for it, but maybe you should wait until you know that you can pass the test for sure."

I don't know what it is...I don't know why I'm so unmotivated. Maybe I just don't want to do this as a career...It was so different in college though...I studied hard in Japanese...I really enjoyed it...but I think that I got overloaded...

Maybe I should look to do something else with my life...

One thing that someone said was that they hated going to Japanese school when they were young, but appreciate it so much now that they're an adult. Okay, nothing's going to happen if I keep on writing.

Dual Shock 3 for PS3, but woes for the ps3???

Apparently I saw on ebay that people were selling dual shock 3 controllers for around $70 in Japan worldwide. So I checked www.amazon.co.jp (or check this link) and saw that they are actually selling that. However, it's not in the US yet...and probably not in other countries either.

So apparently the CEO, when he was hinting that there would be a controller with vibration for the ps3 was actually serious.

So apparently from a gamespot article found here, Sony is pleading with its 3rd party developers to stay on board for the ps3. Dismal sales of the PS3 contribute to that.

In other news, Sony released a 2.0 firmware for the PS3, but it doesn't do very much. Remote turn on using your psp? And other eye candy stuff...article found here.

I'm still disappointed in the ps3 too. There aren't any good games out for it. Ninja Gaiden sigma is one, but who hasn't played that? Heavenly sword is another good one, but it's pretty short. I'm still waiting for FFXIII and White Knight. Plus for some reason, the ps3 disconnects from online play when I get some lag. And on top of that, I have to download the updates to my memory stick on my pc because the ps3 I got can't keep a connection long enough to download it directly from the wireless router. Maybe I have a defective PS3. I don't know...

Anyway, the only good games I have are on the ps2, ds, and some on the psp...which I might add is breaking up...which means I either have to buy a new one, or get it fixed...I also might add that I hardly used my psp and my directional pad on the bottom left corner is broken. On top of that also, my wireless internet for my psp isn't working either, so I can't connect.

I remember hearing about people buying the ps2 when it first came out and that it broke a year later. Now, the ps2 doesn't have that problem...but it could be that sony does make improvements over the years when they update the model. So maybe I should never buy sony products when they first come out...

Anyway, I'm curious to see if Sony can make use of its six axis controllers to make great games...but still, it's pretty early and I'm doubtful.

If they can develop great games that will be worth the wait, then I'm sure that news will spread and more ps3s will be bought. But it has been a whole year and still a lot of the games won't come out for awhile. I'm guessing ps3 sales will be low this Christmas.

Nintendo was pretty smart though...they came out with Zelda when the Wii came out and had wii sports to keep people busy until their new games come out. Sony however, didn't have any blockbuster games like that close to launch.

However, if Sony is able to come out with great games for the PS3, then I'm sure that people will be happy with it. Which is why I can see why they're pleading for developers to stay with the ps3.

Anyway, they have some great titles lined up for next year, so hopefully...hopefully...they'll do something worthwhile.

For some reason, I don't want to study for this test coming up. I already know that I'm going to fail...I've failed 2 times before at this level. I don't know what it is, but maybe I'm just too comfortable right now with where I am.

I don't know where I'll be in the future. I really should have a back up plan, (like building my Japanese skills,) but I'm so unmotivated now.

Time is passing by quickly and the test is in 2 weeks. Maybe I should find something else in terms of what I want to do. If I'm not going to put in the time to do something, then why pursue this dream of being someone who can make a living off of translating Japanese? It makes no sense.

Anyway, no matter what I do, it seems like there's this cloud hanging over me in bad memories and experiences related to studying Japanese. Maybe it's not even that, but that it's pretty dry in terms of looking stuff up constantly. Not a good sign if you're looking stuff up all the time and not understanding it on your own.

I do believe that anybody can do anything. But sometimes there's limitations to what a person can do. I guess maybe Japanese isn't for me. Maybe I'm not cut out to do Japanese as a profession. Maybe I should just work these blue collar jobs.

I do believe that if you do believe that you can do something within your bounds, then you can achieve it. I guess basketball was a good lesson for me on life. My friend told me that being good a basketball is all about practice. And without practice, you can't get any better. Anyway, some great people are people who overcame others telling them that they couldn't do something and proved them wrong. They knew that they could do it and followed through to the end when they achieved success.

I guess if I want to get any better at Japanese, I'll have to practice often...if not everyday. I can't learn this language at the rate that I'm going at now.

Maybe I'm too little too late for this year. But if I improve from my previous two scores, then I'll be happy.

Man, I really suck at scrabble...I'm getting creamed online. Well...I only play for fun, so whatever.

Anyway, the JLPT is coming up. I'm thinking I'm going to fail...but as long as I improve, I'll be happy. Maybe next year.

Sometimes I'm glad that I'm still here.

So I was playing Yu-gi-oh tag force for the psp. Man, I can see why the kids get so addicted to these games. But still, one thing that kind of bothered me was that if you have a crappy deck, then you'll always lose. Buying new cards is a must, but it's all luck in what cards you get. I can't imagine playing this as a real card game, because there's so many cards and I can't keep track of all of them.

One thing that I didn't like either was that it's not like an rpg in any sense of the word. You don't whittle away your opponent's monster's health, you just knock them out. Unless you get a card that does take their health away. Basically it's like a card game, highest value wins.

I think that this game and puzzle quest will be sitting on my shelf for awhile. I kind of think that card games and puzzle games are just not my cup of tea.

Anyway, maybe I'm outgrowing video games. Well, at least I didn't get sucked into WoW. After watching my former roommate do poorly in classes from Evercrack, I vowed never to get into that stuff. heh. Nerd talk...oh man...

Anyway, yeah, to think all the hours I spent playing video games...the only people who ever benefited from video games are the people who win those video game tournaments...however, many of the other people are living in their parents' basement.

i wonder exactly what's going to happen if I take responsibility and do something worthwhile. We'll see though...it might never happen...but I can't think about tomorrow...I've got to do what I can today.

Lately, I've been feeling really low. I've wondered why I'm here on this earth again...and I'm wondering why the heck am I feeling this way?

The reason, after praying and talking to God, was that I realized that a some people were critical of me or criticizing me. Like today, basketball practice was today and I was feeling horrible today...my dad would always ask me..."Why did you join this basketball team?" It always made me feel worse when we lost, because he seemed like he was saying to himself...I'm right. Maybe he wasn't saying anything like that, but that's how I felt these past two months.

This wasn't the only thing that's been going on, but some other people have been getting on my case. And I can't escape anywhere from their presence.

What I think God told me during this time of prayer was that people will always be critical of you...and you can't help that. But you've got to be happy with who you are and see the good things inside of you. And if you desire change, you can work with God to become a better person.

It always helps me to find my place in God, because He does put things into the right perspective. In the cloudiness, He is the beacon of light that guides me to where I should be.

it makes me wonder why the heck I didn't do this earlier... Maybe I've been too busy chasing after other things.

Anyway, I've been sick with this cold for a month now...and I haven't gotten better. Maybe I should see a doctor, but I think that I can overcome this illness. I don't feel too terribly bad, but it is pretty annoying not being at 100 percent.

Well...whatever...I know that God can do a great thing in me if I work with Him to accomplish that.

So yeah, I do feel healed a little bit...anyway, got to go