Live and learn...

I haven't posted in awhile, so I thought that I'd post something today.

Anyway, pretty eventful weekend. i guess every weekend this past 8 weeks has been eventful. But today, I had a good day. I guess I wonder what's the worst thing that could happen? I tend to think of the usual stuff that could happen. But when I do go, it usually comes out that "nothing bad" is the answer.

Anyway, I don't want to spend time writing about what happened this weekend, but lets just say that nothing really bad happened and as one of my friends said about life is that "80% of life is just being present." Something like that. I always worried about if I would mess up somehow and that would cause someone not to hang out with us or I would make people feel uncomfortable by my weirdness. But even though that tends not to be the case, I still have that in the back of my mind. I tend to think that life would be better for everyone else if i wasn't present there in that moment.

What usually happens is that people are glad to see me when I do show up. My mom told me today that I worry so much about the anxiety of what people will think about me that I tend to be late and that could give them a reason to have something against me. And thus my worries would be created by my own choices. I guess the only answer is to really get up and get in there in the face of life.

Self fulfilling prophecies and things that I worry too much about are in my head most of the time. Each person is important in this world, because each person is unique and can add something constructive to the world. But I tend to fear being that person who is destructive and brings people down...even though I really don't do that...I just fear that my words or actions will cause someone else to feel down or discouraged. Maybe the only way to counter that is to actually see if being and discovering who I am when I speak causes that.

Anyway, got to get out of this rut and make some progress. I've been stuck here too long and everyone else is way ahead of me. Anyway, there's a lot of good things that have been happening. I can see God at work in my life encouraging me to grow and make choices to better myself and others...

Hmm...I tend to write things down and forget about them later on. I say a lot of things about what I'm going to do and never get to them. This past Lent season showed me that I could live a much healthier life if I made changes to my life. And I could be in a better place because of that.

Anyway, I went to Easter service today. Some people I haven't seen for a long time were there. I feel like I've changed in a bad way in that I just seemed to have lost some of what I had before. I think I was a better person maybe 3-4 years ago. Even though there have been some good changes in me, I've lost a lot of my social skills.

Anyway, people are growing more mature and I'm not. People are becoming better people, and I'm still the same. I guess you can't become better at something unless you work at it. And that requires putting in the time to make it so. Not putting in the time will only cause you to not get any better at what you want to do.

I should make a schedule.

Blah blah blah blah blah....

I wrote some things and then I deleted them, because it wasn't anything interesting.

Anyway, one of my friends immed me this website

www.wowdetox.com

Stories from people who used to play wow or have addictions to wow. I must say that it is pretty interesting and helpful. It is also kind of funny sometimes, but depending on the story, it can be depressing.

Someone once told me that video games aren't very good for a person...the reason being that you spend the time alone instead of with other people. If you're playing with other people in the room then that's better, but still, because you are alone most of the time, that can lead to depression.

Anyway, it's been awhile since I last wrote.

What's new...nothing much really...I think that I need put certain things first before other things....that's about it.

Got to get going.

I'm reminded of things from the past in Japan. I remember certain things about some of the people. I guess it is a xenophobic place. It wasn't all fun and joy, but I know that things could have been a lot different there. I could have done more or prayed more or even went to church while I was there. But I didn't.

I can't change what happened in the past...my apathy because of my situation there as a failing teacher, but I wonder if maybe I'll ever go back someday.

Some memories are popping up now and then triggered by something like studying Japanese, a video game, or even just the mention of Japan and how I'm feeling at the moment.

I can only hope that I'll be wiser if I ever do go back to Japan. I don't ever want to work there again, because I just can't adapt to the working life there. I mean, what's the point of all these norms? What's the point of making work everything? I missed America while I was in Japan, because I'm used to things in America. It's not as strict, it's a little more understandable of weaknesses.

In Japan, it is a very class based society...and I could never meet their standards for how I "should be." And then, there was the language gap.

Maybe it was good that I came home. Who knows where I'd be if I stayed for another year. I don't know what purpose I had there, but I can only pray that the kids there would enjoy English and seek what's outside of Japan.

Overall, I'm glad that I did go to Japan for a year. I survived there on my own and proved that I can take care of myself. I saw the great scenery there and it was an experience of a lifetime, even though full of sorrows.

Being there I saw some similarities between Japan and America...both being negative similarities, but still it showed me that there's much more to this world than what's in your own country. I don't know what to say anymore...but I can only stress tolerance toward people who are different. Not everyone has to know English or Japanese if they live in those respective countries. Even though it does help to know the language.

Anyway, there were some great people that I met in Japan. Some others were against me, but some were really nice to me. I guess the only thing i can do now is maybe write a postcard and pray.

Okay, so even despite going to sleep early for the past few days, I keep on waking up late...so I'm thinking that either my system is trying to play catch up, or I just need to exercise and keep a consistent time that I go to sleep.

I remember someone saying that you'll sleep better if you sleep at a certain time everyday and wake up at a certain time everyday. Also if you don't sleep more than once a day either.

Anyway, I'm going to sleep

Reading the Bible for the past few days has been really good. I forgot a lot about what was in it. Anyway, it reminded me of some things that I used to have in my life.

One was, "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." Phil 2:3-4

This chapter talks about the attitude of Jesus and how He obeyed God and died for us. It blows my mind that God's will for us is that great that He would do what was necessary through Himself. Basically dying for us.

Preparing for this Palm Sunday play, we are practicing every Sunday this one passage of scripture. It is pretty crazy in that Jesus would ask God to forgive us for doing what we did not know what we were doing.

And also in Friday fellowship where Jesus didn't want to go through this crucifixion yet He bowed down to God's will not Jesus' will.

Anyway how this all relates is that God does see all of us as His creation. And it's easy to forget. It's easy to forget that God does so much for all of us and wants all of us to know Him. In my life I have easily forgotten that even though people do not treat me right all the time, I'm not responsible for their actions, I'm responsible for my actions. And it does remind me of the verse,

"treat others the same way you want them to treat you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount. But love your enemies and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." Luke 6:31-36

It is so easy to forget what was learned so far back ago. I guess that's why it's important to read the Bible everyday. I wonder if I had gotten involved in a church in Japan and if I read the Bible everyday and gotten involved in a community, then things might have turned out differently.

It's so tough to get back into good habits.

Anyway, I guess maybe that's why we have this season of lent. To put God in His rightful place in our lives.

Oh and what I gave up for lent was World of Warcraft and caffeinated drinks. That was taking up a lot of my time.

Thinking about life and things in general, I wonder what purpose I have here on earth. I guess I'll never find that purpose just sitting here and typing about it. But looking back on the day, I feel that I could have done more with my life. I could have done things differently. I could have lived a little better.

Life is tough and it's not like a video game. Life is a variable and full of surprises or upsets. I think that's what makes life great, but it's just not something that I'm good at.

I guess I have another day to live differently. It's kind of like seize the day because we're food for worms, or go with the flow.

As we celebrated another friend's birthday today, I kind of thought that time is passing by so quickly. It reminded me of my own life, only that I didn't feel any different than I did before. Well, there was a time where I had that drive in life to do the best that I could. But now it seems like I just don't care anymore.

Back to my friend's birthday, he is way farther along in maturity than I am. He's a great guy and he's a lot stronger in his faith and relationships with people. I feel that it's good to see that he's doing well and that he's living his life out. He'll do well in life and I think that he's making a difference here on earth.

When I think about things in general with me, I find that there should be more in my life. Things could be better. I could be living differently. I could be improving instead of staying in the same place. I could be doing something that could help someone else. I could be...doing a lot of things. But that's just it...I'm not and I'm not finding any ways to get involved or "engage." Not saying that I have to be involved all the time, but definitely there is something that needs to be worked on.

When I think about my time in Japan, it was a time where I felt helpless. I worked really hard, but didn't have the skills or discover the resources that would help me. I guess maybe I wasn't doing that well there. When I came back, it kind of stayed with me...that feeling of helplessness. The reality of it all was that I was not helpless in Japan. I could have done more to become a better teacher or help the kids to have fun with the lessons. I could have been more responsible with my time and really kicked some butt over there!

I guess that's maybe what I need to keep in mind is that I'm not helpless. I'm capable of making things better. Not saying that I can make everything better...but saying that in my own life, and in my own efforts I can make my own life a little better. And the hard part starts when I become serious and try to flesh it out.

This entry is more for myself than anybody else. I've found that God can use any of us to make a difference, even those who don't know Him. God is always working and He is doing great things for people. But I need to let Him use me by going out there and taking risks.

The great thing about believing in God is that life does not end when we die. However, (this is my interpretation,) but I do believe that the things we do on earth will matter in the end. Not saying you can earn your salvation, but the relationships and the things you do for others in love will matter to them and will be remembered after life. That those are our treasures in heaven rather than material things that sometimes we think of.

Anyway, I digress...and yes, I haven't really lived my life out yet where I have been something to anybody. I need to start again and take things from where I left off. I guess I need to become an adult and take responsibility for my life, my actions, and words. Man, this is going to be tough...but with God anything is possible.

I guess I need to be reminded more rather than discouraged. And I know that I have do this for myself and not for what other people will think or think of me. I'm not about anybody in particular, but I've always cared too much about what other people think...and I always have to try not to care what other people think and do what I feel is right.

Man, I'm not perfect...I am very far from being perfect...but I have to try and learn to be successful.

I woke up late today. I seem to be oversleeping a lot, and that could be because I'm not exercising enough. I guess maybe staying up this late and drinking caffeine is a bad idea also.

Anyway, the day was slow at work and we only had a few things to do. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. As I was signing out today, I saw a news article on msn about another school shooting.

It makes me sad that someone would do this. I wonder what his motive was or maybe since it was Valentine's day that that might have had something to do with it. I don't know...and maybe the details will never be told.

Another weird thing is that some students want permission to bring guns on campus so they can defend themselves against something like this. That seems like a bad idea to me also...

Anyway, I probably should go to sleep.

So it has been a long time since I last posted. Last night, one of my friends who reads my blog told me that I hadn't done that for awhile...I'm surprised that he reads it.

Anyway, apparently my friends talk about my world of warcraft habit now and then, but I'm guessing not too much. Probably only on Tuesdays and Sundays. heh. But they probably don't talk about it that much.

Anyway, an update. Some of my friends at fellowship got ordained this past Sunday for deacons and elders at church. I'd say that that's pretty good.

For me though, it shows me that I'm not as far as I'd like to be. Not everyone is ordained, but we're all called to be leaders and that I am not.

Leading hasn't been easy for me. I guess I have little experience and not enough common sense or initiative to lead others. I guess I've been taking a back seat in life.

One analogy that I never liked was letting God have the driver's seat in the car. The reason I don't like that analogy is that it gives the impression that you don't have to do anything in your life with God. As far as I've seen, it's more like we're driving and we're asking directions from God and making those decisions ourselves on where to go with our lives.

My analogy may not be correct, but it doesn't seem to me that God wants to control our lives, yet He lets us have a certain amount of freedom in our choices. But some things He'll absolutely want us to do.

Or it could be that i'm just not really following God that closely. Whatever this life with God is, maybe I need to get back to what I should be doing more often. It may not be that I'll ever advance as far as my peers, but if my life counts for something...or my life helps someone else come to know God or live a better life, then I'll be satisfied with my life. But then again, it's not so much one person all the time, because other people might think that you're the "exception." I know that it takes more than one person to demonstrate the life of Christ to others. I don't know how missionaries do it by themselves, but I do know that they aren't alone and are supported by others. I guess maybe that's why I need to go to church, to be in that community and to remember what life in Christ is about.

Anyway, I guess I am kind of clueless as to where I should be right now, but maybe that's a decision that I need to make for myself or ask for direction.

ditto

Right now, I'm tired. I want to go to sleep, but I'll write a little bit about what happened tonight.

So tonight, we celebrated one our friend's birthday. I've known him since college. He was a really cool guy then and is an even better guy now. I'm amazed at how he lives his life for God and how he treats everyone as how he would want to be treated.

He will do great things in the future.

I don't know what it is that I want to do with my life, but I hope that I can be someone who can be like that.

Anyway, as of right now, I'll most likely stop drinking coffee at night and just go to sleep. It seems like I always want to stay up at night as long as possible. I think the reason is that I don't want to start the next day.

I'm tired, but I want to just spend some time in silence or just thinking to myself.

Anyway, I probably should get a balance in my life.

Questions

I'm at that stage in my life where I'm expected to be somewhere. Not that anybody expects that out of me, it's that I expected that out of myself. I guess the real question is not "why I'm not there," it's "how am I going to get there?"

I could be a loser for the rest of my life. I could just stay where I'm at, maybe someday live on the streets. I keep on talking about what I want to do, but I'm not doing anything about it. It's like the guy who wants to get in shape yet eats junk food and doesn't exercise.

I know that it's going to take conscious decisions everyday to make the right choices. I don't know if I want to do that. I don't know if I can delay having fun now for something better in the future. Maybe I have too little will power right now.

Anyway, I don't have to come up with the answers tonight, but I'm thinking that maybe I should try to make some steps for each week. Goals, and progress reports and to "stick to them."

I kind of forgot what is most important in life. It's so easy to get sucked into the world of warcraft and lose focus on what I should be doing with my time.

Time...we only have so much time in our lives...sometimes the simple things are the things that matter the most.

Anyway, I've already made up my mind as to what I want to do before it hits Saturday. Someone told me that they've made up a rewards system for them to get stuff done. One point is one hour of World of Warcraft. heh.

New addictions

So it's now 2008 and I started something new. I've been sucked into the world...of Warcraft. So now, I've been spending most of my time online playing this game. I must say thought that it is a pretty good game. And the problem is that it never ends.

But we'll see. I'm actually saving money because I'm not buying any new games and I only have to pay a subscription fee of $15 a month. Which could be argued to be only 50 cents a day.

Anyway, I probably should do something productive with my time. We'll see what happens.

One of my goals this year was to grow closer to God. I guess I should set up something so that I'll do that first before I do anything else. I'll update more as time passes.

In other news, I really need to get my act together and do what I've said I'll do. Now is a good time to restart.

Nothing much to talk about. I've been feeling kind of down, and I think that it's because I'm not making it to church. I've been spending a lot of time playing video games on the weekends and during this holiday season.

I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future, but I know that I must be more responsible than I am now, or else bad things might happen in the future.

Anyway, I'm going to get going...

I was thinking today about a year ago when I came back from Japan for the holidays. It was good to see my family and friends, but I always will remember that it was way different from how I was treated in Japan. I guess it's kind of hard to explain, but I felt like I could be more open in Japan because I was away from all the norms from home.

When I came home, the feeling of being a little kid came back to me. Maybe it was living with my parents again or being around everyone and me expecting them to expect me to be a certain way. I don't know...but definitely I do feel like a kid again...even though my parents have been treating me more like an adult nowadays.

Maybe soon I'll be on my own again and then I'll be forced again to grow up. But for now, I'm not sure what I want to do with my life.

Don't get me wrong though...my parents have been really good to me. I just don't know what it is I want with my life.

Anyway, i've got to go...

I could write a lot now, but for the sake of going to sleep, I'm going to cut it down.

I went to my company party tonight, and had a good time. It was a really nice event that my company put together. I'm wondering exactly how much it all cost, because this seemed way too good than what I'm used to.

Anyway, lots of entertainment at the party...several people sang, several people played strings, and a band played at the end. They were called Kay Kay and were on a talk show recently. Man, it was just too much...but really awesome!

They had two dance instructors come in and teach everyone some dance moves. Apparently I need to brush my teeth after I eat, because I think that the people I switched off with didn't like that smell. heh. Anyway, had a good time with my date too.

My friends were wondering who I brought, as she didn't show up until later. And the answer is obvious, because there is only one person I feel comfortable with. Apparently people who I know read my blog as someone I didn't even tell that I was bringing someone asked me about who I was bringing. And he got his info from someone else. hmm...anyway, I know who you are. =)

Man, I probably should wake up tomorrow on time...I'm thinking that I'll most likely get fired someday for being late. Man, For some reason, I felt pretty weird today. I don't know why I felt so tired, but I was guessing that it had to do with those 2 twenty two ounces cans of iced tea I drank yesterday...hmmm...man, that stufff...got to cut it out. That's also another reason why I don't drink. It would ruin my life practically. So no booze for me...iced tea and coffee is as far as I'll go.

Man...okay, got to sleep.

[EDIT]

Okay, so I decided to youtube the band kay kay. Apparently they're called "Kay Kay and his Weathered Underground." You can find them on youtube found here.

[Another EDIT]
Okay, I found the link on youtube where they're on the Carson Daly show on the Last call. You can find the link here.

After a long week of feeling bad, I was thinking of not going to fellowship tonight. I didn't want to bring all the crap that I had going on this past week.

Anyway, I went to fellowship...because I always go to fellowship...but yeah, I still have some issues going on in the back of my mind right now.

Fellowship was good. Just a good time of talking to people. However, I kind of think that my face showed the pain that in my heart, because people probably reflected back to me my face that I was giving them.

I don't know what to say anymore...I guess I've got to just deal with it and pray. There are steps that I can take to make things better, but it will also take some initiative on my part.

I'm kind of tired of going to work each day and feeling bad most of the time. I can't think to myself and laugh to myself, because people think that I'm laughing at them. Maybe I'm weird, but I think a lot about the funny things that happened in the past. That's what happens when you're raised introverted. you make your own good time with yourself and are not very good at reaching out to others. Maybe that's something I should change about myself. To "force myself" as Harrison Ford would say...(taken from a TV interview on the news.)

Someone asked me today about if I'm looking forward to my company party. To be honest, I'm not really looking forward to my company party even though I will be going with good friends and a nice person as a date. Something about me is dreading this party...and I think that it's the fact that there will be drinking there and I just have bad memories of another party where everyone got drunk and acted really weird. That wasn't fun at all and I don't see how people can have fun when they're not in their right mind.

Well, I guess alcohol does loosen people up, but it is weird for me to be around people when they're drinking or drunk. I don't know what it is, but apparently something inside of me doesn't like that.

I can't seem to give the right answers to people, as I give weird tangents and off topic things about this party. But I am looking forward to going with my date and my friends there. But something about me just doesn't want to go to this party...and i'm dreading something...unforeseen. But most likely it's nothing.

Anyway, this week has been a hard week and I can see in people's faces my face in their looks or concerns they give to me.

My mom was right that I need to learn how to address these problems when they happen and not let them fester. I don't know what to think, but I think that maybe I need to spend more time with God on the weekdays. And learn how to talk to people when something bothers me and not just keep it to myself.

Frankly speaking, I can't keep letting people just say anything to me when it bothers me. I need to say something and speak up for myself. I'm an adult now. I know that I'm not a kid anymore. Maybe this is a lesson God is trying to teach me. Maybe I was meant to go through all this pain this past week.

Anyway, I want to say that I'm going to be a better person, but I can't say that, I can only make efforts and improve slowly...it's not going to happen by saying it...and I need to be conscious of decisions and their effects and consequences.

As for Christmas shopping...I still don't have things for most of the people on my list. I have 2 out of 7 so far. Man, I don't know what to say...maybe I should shop online...heh. ugh...well...got to get going

As I'm now working I'm finding that I have little time left in my day after work ends. Most of my life is now work and my relationships with my coworkers. I am also finding it tough to make it to church as I've been oversleeping for church. I don't want to show up late, but I don't want to wake up on time. It seems like something in me just wants to sleep in more...

I don't know what's happening to me, but I think that it has to do with me not taking care of myself. Why am I up this late? Or why am I not exercising? It probably has more to do with what I want instead of what's good for me.

One of my friends has been telling me that everything we do should be for the glory of God. I find that I'm having trouble doing that with what I'm doing in my own personal life. Why am I doing all these things? I'm not doing anything bad, but what I'm doing is filling my time with things that may not be beneficial. Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.

I wonder what my life would be like if I got things together. We'll see. Maybe this is a sign that I need to exercise and start to work faster. And get more sleep.

It seems like I have no time anymore...I probably should stop using the internet to check sports and read articles. Since I have little time, I probably should spend it better.