A wedding and a friend from out of town

Okay, so I posted a lot today...anyway, yesterday, August 22nd, I went to a friend's wedding. The 2nd wedding in 2 weeks and I really didn't want to go. For some reason, a part of me wants to stay home and relax on the weekend and not do anything with anyone, because I want my time to be my time. But when I do go to social events, I do find that I feel better and my next week is a lot better.

Anyway, I was feeling kind of antisocial and I didn't want to go, but I did go. I guess in new situations, especially with people I don't know, it is unknown and that bothers me. The new people don't bother me, don't get me wrong, it's the feelings that I get that bother me of not knowing.

I went and saw some familiar faces, saw a great wedding, saw two people that are really cool have the party of their lives, and got to dance a little bit (even though I'm terrible at dancing heh.) I had a great time there and I was glad that I went. Everyone was so happy and the bride and groom were honored among friends and family.

I forgot my camera, so I can't tell you what the place looked like, but it was a really nice place. The place looked like it was some place in Hawaii. Nice garden, the reception house had colorful paintings and stained wood. It was the perfect place for their wedding, because it fit their character.

We met this guy we met in college at AACF. He went to the neighboring college and visited AACF a few times and then I never saw him again until this wedding...well maybe once at a retreat center before that...Very nice guy and a very good guy. He is a chaplain at a hospital in California. Anyway, it's interesting to see where people have gone since college as one friend was saying. People have become full fledged adults and are working doing something as a profession.

I always respect those who go into the ministry, because they sacrifice a lot for other people and God. Sometimes some sacrifice their own life for others and God...it costs them something to help others and it makes a difference in other people's lives.

Anyway, it was a good wedding and it made me think about my own life a little bit more. When they were talking about the groom in the ceremony, they brought all these good points about him. I was thinking, "yeah, these are all true." But then I thought to myself, man, I'm lacking compared to him. I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves to others, but it was a wake up call that I'm getting older and I should be further along than I am now.

Someone said recently that "most guys don't take their seriously. You see all these women who do, and their husbands are just kind of tagging along." I have to kind of agree with him...as I was kind of bumming around (I'm not married though) and not really doing what I should be doing.

Anyway, just some thoughts that I've been thinking about. I keep on thinking about the reason why I was born. Why am I the way I am now? What purpose do I have here on earth? And I know that whether or not I get married, or whether or not I have a good job or am doing awesome things, it all doesn't matter in comparison to giving God honor. That's something that struck me about what the groom said to his girlfriend, now wife, was that, "God's glory first, us second."



*******

Bump forward a day and one of my friends from college is in town because of the wedding. We got together for dinner with a group of friends that we knew from AACF. It was a good time of fellowship and food. I'm always impressed with how much he's grown since college. I remember times when he would complain and I would listen to him because that's what friends do. But now, he's the one who tries to support others and serve God as much as he can. He went on a mission to South America recently and even though he doesn't know why God sent him down there, I'm sure that God has His purposes for calling people do things that we cannot understand now. I know that my friend knows this also. He was obdient to God's calling and obdience to God shows love for God. To obey is better than sacrifice.

Anyway, we went to Red Robin and then Starbucks afterwards. It was a lot of fun and I'm glad that I went.

The part in me that wants to stay home and do what I want to do is something that I battle everyday. "Sometimes, you have to do what you don't want to do." (a line from a cartoon I watched as a kid. Mighty Max.) Sometimes you have to force yourself to do what is good for you rather than sitting back and letting things happen.

But taking a line from today's sermon, I must prepare for when God tells me to do something. I must wait. But then again, I've been talking about things like this for a long time and no fruit has come out of it. Well, one day at a time. One day at a time. Like the Steven Curtis Chapman song, "I'm living the next 5 minutes, because these next 5 minutes may be all I have." I don't know why, but I don't think that I will live to a very old age for some reason. Not sure why, but maybe it's nothing and just paranoia taking over.

Another Sunday

I made it to service...late, but made it in time for the message. I owe it to being more disciplined with my sleep schedule. Anyway, what struck me from today's message was "waiting on God."

The message was called, "Those who Wait/Hope." Text Isaiah 40:28-31

So the whole point the pastor made was that people had given up hope and were exiled in Babylon at the time of this writing. They thought that God had forgotten them. But God in His perfect timing brought them back to Jerusalem.

His point was to wait on God. To wait for His timing and His purpose to be known. It seems like we wait a long time for God's will to be known.


Back to me, I was thinking about this today. I keep on thinking about will I ever get married? Will I ever find something that I want to do with my life? Will I go on a mission next year? I don't know. But first off, I need to pray about what God wants me to do with my life? Should I go to Brazil to do a mission? And if so, when? I think that it would be a good thing to do a mission, but if God doesn't want me there, then I have no reason to go.

Anyway, I've heard this message from the pastor several times before. To wait upon God. To be a person of "waiting" and not so much "doing" all the time, as he pointed out that we are a "doing" people. I'm feeling like I'm missing a point here. What am I waiting for? Does that mean I do nothing with my time? (I think I tend to get in that habit especially when I don't think about things.) No, it doesn't mean that I do nothing with my time. I think the waiting time is to prepare us for the time that things do happen.

I'm going nowhere with my life right now and I'm not very happy. But my small group has given me several suggestions and I'm not sure what I want to do as of yet. And if I do decide to do what I'm thinking of, will it turn into another pointless and unrewarding thing? Anyway, the job market is not good right now and I guess that has been a good thing for me because it shook me up. I was warned about coming tardy and I woke up. I woke up from my slumber. Who knows what the future will bring? I never thought that I'd get a job in Japan 3 years ago, but I did. Even though it was tough, I still remember some things today like they were yesterday. Some of the memories, I'm haunted by, but some were really good. I do feel like I've changed since then though.

Waiting upon God and His timing. It's so hard, because we want things now. But good things come to those who wait. And I know that God will do great things in this world. Will He do great things in my life? Yes, I think He's always working in everyone's lives.

Anyway, I'm far from where I need to be and I've spent the last two years living in limbo. I need to make up some ground. Well, maybe the best thing that happened to me this year was to be shook up. Whatever happens, I'm sure things will be alright. Heh, I wonder why people read my blog sometimes...I've been told that it is not that interesting. heh and maybe it is not interesting.

Video game article

I was looking for the article to post about how video gamers in their 30s are overweight, depressed, and unsuccessful as my friend showed me the article on MSNBC, however I couldn't find it and found this one instead.

This article apparently talks about how video games should be classified as a mental illness. Or should I say, video game addiction. One mother in the article talks about her son who was outgoing and academically successful until he started playing an online video game called, "World of Warcraft" and became reclusive, uncleanly, and belligerent. He even flunked 2 tenth grade classes because of the game. They tried to take the game away and he cursed them and threatened them with bodily harm. She said in the article, that when they tried to take the game away from him, he acted like he was posessed.

I can relate to the kid in some ways as being a world of warcraft player myself, I know how addicting that game can be and how life changing (in a bad way) it can affect people. All the things in the article that said, "he started avoiding friends, not taking showers, not sleeping, etc. all to play WoW" are true for some people who play wow, if not a lot of them.

However, I don't think that video games can be classified as a mental illness. In the most extreme case, they can be classified as a "vice."

There have been stories of people losing their jobs, friends, or even flunking out of school because of video games. But I'd say video games aren't the problem. It could be that the kid is having trouble getting along with other kids, or family problems, school problems...video games are not a mental illness, but they are a escape to treat a bad feeling or boredom. How many people do you know drink to be social or escape the world? Or just drink to have a good time? But as you know, they are vices which are causing problems to people.

Anyway, video games in itself is not a bad thing. It's just our tendencies to overplay them that we miss out on life that cause bad things to happen, and good thing to not happen in our lives. Like alcohol, if taken in moderation, it can be something fun. But it can't be the focus of our lives. And for some kids, it's something else to do, and for others, it's all they do.

I suggest that parents don't start their kids on online video gaming, because kids know no limits and games like World of Warcraft are really addictive. So addictive that in fact, they might lose sight of the real world and not build anything productive here. It is much better to have their friends come over and play a console game with your kid. That way you can put a limit on their playing time, and get them to do something else, like play baseketball or throw a baseball around.

One last note, World of Warcraft does have parental controls so parents can set when their kids can play and when they can't. It does not have a time limit on it, but it blocks out certain times of the day when they can and can't play. The parental controls may need an upgrade as it could allow parents to make a timer for how many hours a kid can play in a day in addition to the time blockouts. There could be a daily timer that would limit the amount of hours they could play in a day, in addition to a weekly timer which would limit their time for that week. Just a thought...I know I'm going to be hated by many people if Blizzard starts making this.

But what can you do, I say this, because I used to have a problem with World of warcraft and I was on the verge of getting fired from my job. I'm still in trouble, because of my tardiness to work from staying up too late playing World of Warcraft. I write these things, not because I'm against world of warcraft or video games, but rather to tell people that care for others who are addicited that video games can be a problem if a person does not know how to responsibly control them. If Blizzard does put in upgraded parental controls, props to them.

Once you stop playing video games, you need to fill it in with something productive, like reading or playing a musical instrument, studying, martial arts, exercising, etc. I guarantee that it will be tough and not fun at first, but the rewards from this hard work will pay off in ways that are worth more than the best gear and owning people in a video game. That is, if you stick to it and don't give up. It's easier to give up in life than to stick with something and try to be successful at it. But if you stick with it, you could be successful and it's not something that everyone can say that they have done. Note, everyone starts off at a novice level. People who have been doing something longer will be better than others who just started, so don't compare yourself to the veterans, just work at getting better and improving. The real world has better benefits and they feel much better too.

Note, I've been sober from WoW for 1 week now.

Okay, so someone leaked out that I have a different blog besides my Japan one, so one of my friends might be reading this also...oh well...guess if you tell someone something, you can't expect them to keep it a secret. Especially when you don't tell them to keep it a secret.

Anyway, June and Mike's wedding was yesterday. Traffic going north was pretty bad. I should have left earlier, but I wasn't thinking about getting my shirt ironed and tying a tie. But it was a good wedding. They both looked so happy and I'm happy for them.

Mike is a great dancer. It seemed like he never repeated a dance move for a different song. I was amazed at how many moves he has. I guess that it's all about feeling the music.

I couldn't find my camera, so I didn't take any pictures. But I like to use my memory more than pictures anyway. Even though pictures can be a nice reminder...

So I am trying to study Japanese more. I know that I tried this for a long time with no success. Especially with all the distractions around me. I just keep on getting reminded of Japan each time I study and I feel kind of like I failed each time I think about Japan. I kind of wonder what purpose I had there. Did I do any good there? Or was I just too focused on doing my job that I missed out on what God had in store for me. It was really tough as I don't really talk that much and make friends all that easily. But I do remember that it was a once in a lifetime experience which I will probably never have again, unless I do a mission. I feel like I just didn't do what I was supposed to do there. I didn't feel like I helped kids to learn English that well, and not making it to church myself, I was spiritually weak. I guess these are lessons that I need to carry over to here in the US.

Anyway, I need to focus on what I want to do with my life. I'm getting older and I can't keep on living with my parents forever. I'm tired of everyone trying to push me to go further in my life. Frankly they're only making me angry and making me not wanting to be with them. Especially family...but I know they mean well. It doesn't work that way with me though. If I want to do something, I'll do it. Not because someone tells me to do something. When my parents tell me to do this or that, I only feel like a little kid again...never able to do what I could on my own. Maybe I should move out. But where would I move out to? I guess I could always rent a studio. Anyway...my growth has come through steps that I took on my own most of the time. I never really listened to my parents, because they really don't know how to talk to me about things. I guess it's time to take responsibility for my own life. But we'll see where I go.

I'm always wondering what I'm doing here. Maybe the answer is, "nothing."

Let me explain. I take myself out of situations instead of trying to engage in things. I withdraw from conversation instead of trying to make some conversation. Maybe I'm getting lazy or getting used to being by myself like some kind of hermit, but something has got to change.

I don't like to be around people most of the time, because I feel uncomfortable and unsure of what to say. But then there are times that it's fun to be around other people. I think that maybe just the nervousness of being around other people prevents me from going out there and being part of some conversation or group.

I always look back on my time in Japan and see how I didn't know anybody there, except for one person in another prefecture. It was good to spend time with him, but I didn't visit often enough and I kept to myself inside my one person apartment with a cockroach. I always wondered why I went to Japan.

Part of me felt like I'd grow up a little more if I went. Part of me wanted to get away from my graveyard shift job and try something different. Part of me wanted to try something new...something...anything positive. But what happened in Japan was both positive, but also a little discouraging for me.

I didn't venture out and try new things, I stayed home and tried to make a new lesson for school. I put all of my effort into trying to keep this job and make interesting lessons. Then when i felt the need for conversation, I found that I turned to the TV or surfed the net. I didn't have a group that I could belong to in Japan. Even though I saw some of the other English teachers, I didn't meet with them or at least try to get to know them more.

Depression hit and I was losing it toward the end. I lost my temper a couple of times in school. I even withdrew in school and didn't talk to anybody during lunch when that was the time the students had time to get to know me. I felt worthless and alone.

Even though I survived all of that, I felt like I was far away from home and that nobody really cared about me. Which was untrue, but I really needed someone to talk to. Which could have been a good thing that I didn't renew my contract. I don't know if anything would have changed if I stayed. My situation might have grown worse.

I wonder if I had done things differently in Japan, would things have been a lot better?

Which brings me to what I'm doing here in the States. Nothing has changed as one friend put it. I haven't changed much. I still have the same problems and same weaknesses. I still isolate myself and don't do very much talking. And the choices I make, determine who I become. God is not mocked! A man reaps what he sows.

So the question becomes, what do I want to become and how do I get there? It will take a lot of hard work to get there, but it's going to have to be conscious choices and changing things daily. I guess I should work toward those things instead of writing about it.

So tonight, there was farewell party for one of our friends who is going to bible school. He has been a good friend to me all throughout since I knew him. I guess I have not been that great of a friend to him. But hopefully I can be a better friend in the future.

I wonder what new things God has in store for him and if he'll meet some awesome girl down where he's going. I guess that's not the reason why he is going, but hopefully he'll meet some good people there.

We watched some of his videos that he made for Christian ministry and other projects. Pretty good stuff and a good sense of humor. I look forward to what he can do in the future with the new skills God will give him.

So questions arise from being dormant so long. I spent so much time in the world of warcraft that I didn't realize how far I'm drifting away from people and from God. Putting things into perspective, if you don't eat, you don't grow. And if you don't exercise, you don't get stronger. A parable about having food to eat which you do not know about, which is God's words found in the bible.

I found that so many people are growing stronger and here I am becoming weaker and weaker. I told myself that before I'd play video games, I'd at least spend some time doing what I should be doing.

Something that I compared life to in terms of world of warcraft though was that "you could be spending all your time doing a job, talking with people, and going out, but unless you take some time out to spend some time with God, then it's empty." World of warcraft can be like a part time/full time job. Basically there's a lot of work to do in that game and even though you can be doing well in the game, you might not be doing well in the real world. Think of some addicts who are playing world of warcraft all the time, yet showing up late for their jobs or even losing their jobs and friendships with people. Compare that with the real world and the spiritual world. You can be doing well in the real world, but spiritually, you might be missing the point.

I wonder if I can keep this up. Right now, I'm weak and malnourished.

Where am I going? And what will I do? I know that it's my life and I can do whatever I want with it. I can be whoever I want to be. And I can achieve almost anything I put my mind to. Which is true for everyone in this world. But it all depends on what I use my time on.

Someone once said, "Anything is possible." And I know that with God all things are possible for him who believes.

But i keep on thinking on the failures of my life and wonder if I did something wrong there. Did I not rely on God or did I not pray enough? I know that failures aren't always a bad thing, but if they bring us closer to God, then that's all that matters. You can't succeed all the time, but you must try to succeed. And failure is part of that in that you will fail from time to time, but you can't succeed unless you take a risk of failure. Someone once said that it is better to try to achieve a lofty goal and fail rather than take the easy route and succeed without much effort.

Lofty goals must be met with skill or building new skills. Time is important. And there's so little in each of our lives. First and foremost must be God and putting Him first in our time and finances. However, I wonder exactly how things will be.

I wonder exactly why I'm even here. Guess that's for me to decide.

WoW taken to another level...

What is this world coming to... article found here.

I know that times are rough for a lot of people, but it seems like this tactic done by a mother and her two sons took it to a new level.

Microsoft is sueing the party i mentioned above for making a program that would click on the other gold farmer's sites and cause them to pay 5 cents per click. While that may not seem like much, the program clicked it so much that it drove the competitors out of business. The lawsuit is for $750,000.

Lately it seems like I've been becoming more sarcastic and maybe a little more angry. Maybe it's old age and not spending enough time with God, and some things that come up now and then, but it just seems like I'm just not enjoying life at all.

I feel that life should be work and that man was made to work, but shouldn't life be fun some of the time? Maybe I need to change some things in my life and find other activities to do instead of World of Warcraft and other time sinks. World of Warcraft does feel like a job in itself as I'm always trying to earn gold to buy better gear and grinding levels for my other characters on the game. Heck, one of the ways you earn gold in the game is through your professions ingame.

Anyway whatever it is, I feel that I need to take some time off from work and relax a little bit. But as of right now, I need to stay working to keep earning money. I guess a couple of days wouldn't hurt...And I guess if i were to take some time off, I would be spending it playing video games.

I know that God has plans for all of us, but sometimes I feel that His plans don't always come through. Could be because we're not praying, listening to God, even reading His word and following Him the best we can.

I see my friends making steps to follow God closely and here I am wasting my life in this fake world. I was talking with one of my friends on the way home and I mentioned something about this guy at work and this video game and that there are real people in this world that he could talk to instead of playing this game. But sadly enough, I'm no different...

Anyway, looking around I can see greater things that I could do with my life if I followed God...but it always seems like I choose me over God. I guess Paul in his letter was right when he said that he "dies daily." Meaning that he chose God over his own will each day. I guess I need to get the right perspective in my daily walk and not so much look at what I can gain in this world, but how God can work through me to impact someone else.

Just thinking about that makes me feel even more tired. I guess if I start doing what I did before in college ministry, things will get better. I wonder what it is that God is leading me towards, but I know that God has great plans for all of us. It's a question of whether or not we follow Him.

Something that I wasn't even planning on going to

I went to the JEMS Career retreat this past weekend. Last year I couldn't go because I had to take care of the dog during that time and they didn't want people leaving the camp, so that was a no. But this year, even though I had to take care of the dog, I was allowed to go to and from camp.

The theme this year was about putting God's kingdom first in our lives and stuff related to career age people. What struck me this year was in relation to how I'm seeking God and where I'm at with my relationship with God, I found that I am pretty weak. I am not seeking God, I'm living for myself. And I'm not using what I have to glorify God.

One point that he also brought up to us was that this world will tell you that you need to do this and that in your career, but what is really important is not so much how well off you are or how good you are at your job, but seeking what God wants to do with your life.

A good quote that I took from it was, "A person who God can most use is not someone who asks God to do something according to the person's will, but finding God's will and changing their life to fit into what God tells you." That is a scary thing for me, because I found that God can ask some pretty big things. But someone told me that God will not ask you something that you cannot do with Him.

The speaker told us to go out and try to do God's will. You will fail and fail and fail, but keep trying and keep on growing. The point was not to always be successful, but to at least try to Glorify God in what you do.

Another good point he brought up was that you cannot fulfill God's will by staying in your own family and staying inside the walls of the church building. You need to go out into the world and try to find out what is God's will. I was thinking to myself, "how the heck do you do that?" And I found that there are many opportunities if I keep my eyes open. Feeding the homeless is one thing that I could get involved in and just conversations with people that I meet.

Another point that he brought up was that we are to bring before God some plan to Him if we plan on doing something. We are to try to do something for His kingdom.

He also said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. But he gave the illustration that if we take a step that not in God's direction and we keep on taking those steps, it's going to take a lot more work to get to where God wants me to be. It may only be a little off, but over a period of 20 years or so, that's a long way off.

Worship was good. It was a lot of the songs that I heard in college. The worship group looked younger than me. But I wonder if they felt that those were the songs that God was calling them to play.

Anyway, I realize how far off I am right now. I don't know how to get my life back in order except by doing the basics, which is to pray, read the bible, listen for God, and try to take some steps in doing what I think God wants me to do. I figure if I stick to those basics first, then I'll be able to get back to more advanced stuff later.

Anyway, I left my parents house a mess because I wasn't planning on going to the retreat and cleaning up this past weekend. When I went to the retreat, I cleaned up as much as I could, but the place was messy and my mom was upset. I lost it when she came up to me when I got home and pointed out all of this stuff.

I apologized later for yelling at her, but I just see that I have a lot of work to do in my spiritual life and regular life. It always seems like your family brings out the real you, the you that cannot hide behind a mask, because they know you.

I'm wondering where God is going to take me in my walk from now. I have lots of catchup to do to get back onto the narrow path. I feel that God brought me to the camp for a reason. I have been living my life for myself and not for God.

Another thing the speaker said about humility was that humility is not thinking less or yourself, meaning putting yourself down. It meant thinking of yourself less and thinking more about God and others. I hope that someday I can be humble and not think of myself all the time and think of God and other people more. But that will take a long time.

Palm Sunday

I didn't make it to church by the way. But I did make it to the puppet practice. We're doing a puppet play for Easter, so I have to be there at 9am on Saturday and Sunday. I haven't made it to church in about 4 months...

I guess it takes discipline to make it there on time and that's something that I've been lacking lately. I can't seem to force myself to just go to sleep at a reasonable time.

Anyway, our volleyball team won it's first match today. Even though we didn't win the game, it was a victory for our team.

For me though, I didn't get much sleep the previous night, so I wasn't feeling too good. All throughout the game, people kept on asking me if I was alright. One person said that I even looked green. How is that possible? Anyway, we play to have fun and that's the main reason why we are in this league.

I was getting frustrated this season at little things, because we couldn't win. Usually I don't care about these things, but for some reason, i feel that I've been changing this past year into a shallower person. That I cared more about winning than about people getting better and becoming better players and having fun. Even though my team was in it for the fun and ministry, I probably should have had my attitude changed before going into this season. So it was my fault for having the wrong attitude.

I know that God loves all people and that He wants us to be in community and love each other as He would love us. But I feel that the more and more I'm out of church, the more I'm kind of "drifting", as one person put it, out of God's love for other people.

It's the anxiety of going to church that seems to get to me. And I know that I would get over it if I went to church continually, but for some reason, I want to spend my Saturdays doing stuff that I want to do and my Sundays too. Maybe I need a schedule. Learn it, live it, love it.

Okay, so maybe I was a little upset in the last post. I know that my time in Japan was a hard experience, and I tend to put things together with my time there. Most of the time, it's the reminders of things that come to mind when at church. But then that's no excuse for not going.

Anyway, what I said may not be true about the church I used to go to, but definitely that's how I feel and that could be why I haven't been going. I keep on telling myself that if I went and got plugged back in, that I would feel comfortable again.

Anyway, I guess this won't be solved anytime soon. And I don't plan on going to another church.

What has happened in the past two years?

I remember that it was about this time in Japan when I was teaching at a school that I was saying my goodbyes and preparing to leave Japan to come back to the States. I had mixed feelings about Japan. I was bothered by the fact that people did not come talk to me personally when they had a problem with my teaching style or that they felt like they were my assistant and not the main teacher in the classroom when I was teaching. On the other hand, there were some people who I thought were really great people that I met.

I wasn't prepared to leave Japan with these bad feelings in my mind, but on the other hand, I didn't want to have to deal with these negative comments coming in that I couldn't help at all. So even though I was offered a second chance, I didn't take it.

I still have these bad feelings inside of me today, like I'm some sort of failure, because I couldn't get things right in Japan. I still haven't recovered from them. It makes me wonder why I even went there in the first place.

constantly I'm reminded of something that happened there. Even when it's not related to anything with Japan.

Anyway, I felt rejected and thrown away from the people that I had come to know for the 7 months that I stayed there. it wasn't everyone, but a lot of people.

Maybe I needed more time to get adjusted to things in the states, but over the past two years, I haven't been to church for awhile. I don't know why I don't go to church, only the fact that I'd rather be spending time by myself rather than with people. I spend time with people for 5 days a week, and on sundays I have volleyball, so that makes 6 times a week. I don't need to be reminded of how I'm not welcome, or not wanted at church. It makes me feel that sometimes things would be better off without me there. And frankly, the one time I visited church, things seemed to be just fine without me.

I'd rather not be here or there or anywhere.

I guess it's a choice to go to church and a choice to worship God. People go to church to worship God. To be in a community of love and hope and to spur one another onto love and good deeds. But when I go, I'm often reminded of how I just don't fit in anywhere. How "different" I am from the normal people of the world.

I guess I will never be normal. And the world will not change for me. The only thing for me to do is to give my concerns to God and to let Him heal things for me inside of me.

He got thrown out for using sei-oi-nage (pun intended.)

sei-oi-nage is a name for a shoulder throw in Judo. nage means throw. check out the clip on this yahoo march madness page found here.

I think that the people at that mail supply chain do not like me at all. It bothered me today. I kept on thinking about the bad looks that they gave me. But as I was thinking in the evening tonight, it really doesn't matter what they think about me. I'll just have to endure their rudeness 3 times a week.

I can't help what other people think about me. I can only help what I think about myself. I do care what people think about me, but in the long run, it doesn't matter and if people think poorly of me, then I don't have to care what they think. Why should I put so much stock into someone who doesn't even know who I am? Not to sound arrogant, but everyone in this world is great in their own way in God's eyes.

Which brings me to my next point. Even though they may treat me poorly, I won't be treating them poorly. I'll still be my polite self and regardless of whether or not they accept me, I'll move on with the rest of my day.

It seems like since I haven't been going to church and I haven't been spending that much time with God, I forgot just how much better it is to try to please God rather than men. Why do I care so much about what other people think when it won't matter in the future? What matters is God in everything.

I have to come to accept that I will never be accepted into many people's lives. I just don't know how to communicate well with speaking to others. And as much as I would like to be part of people's lives, or liked by them, it won't happen all the time. I guess that's true for a lot of people...that there are some people that we can't reach.

I know that God loves all people. And he cares for the people at that mail store. But I will never be able to really like them all that much because of how things are going. I guess just be polite and don't sweat what they throw at me. People aren't perfect and I have to accept them as they are.

Anyway, I guess I shouldn't worry too much about this mail store thing. Why should I? Why should I even care? Why do I want total strangers to like me? I guess our perceptions are skewed in the eyes of those around us. But while we cannot help what other people will think of us, we should be thankful that the God who created us loves us regardless of anything people think or say about us. And that is why I followed him so long ago. And I should make Him my first priority in my life rather than focusing on the here and now.

Life on earth is so short. Why waste it on these small things? Maybe I should focus on what God thinks and what He cares about rather than what I could get out of life. We'll see. I have decisions to make.

EMO PEOPLE REALLY PISS ME OFF!

The past seems like something that i've been haunted by. I have a good memory and I can't seem to forget things that I've done wrong. I keep on remembering things from when I was a kid, to college, to even my time in Japan. I can't seem to learn from my mistakes and move on.

Something one of my friends told me today was that I need to live in the now and forget what is behind and strain forward to what is ahead.

I wonder if I'll ever come to a resolution and make peace. I guess recent events have stirred up these old memories inside of me.

I took over a certain job from one guy who left our company. I wasn't expecting it to be too tough. Just pick up the mail 3 times a week and give it to the right people in the company.

The lady at the UPS store scolded me the first time I met her. She basically said, "YOU NEED TO COME IN AFTER 11:30! WE NEED YOU TO COME IN AFTER 11:30 SO WE CAN GET THE REST OF THE STUFF THAT'S SUPPOSED TO COME IN TODAY TO YOU." Then she added, "only if it works for you."

I don't react well to highly emotional people. In fact, that really pissed me off even though she was just trying to get me to do what she wanted me to do, which was come in at a later time. The problem is that I'm supposed to be at work at 10am.

I guess I could come in later, but it doesn't help me to get less hours in this economy and to look like a slacker when I'm supposed to lead the group. I was trying to clean up my act last week by coming in at 10am and then I get this.

I was thinking that I can't please everyone, but this still irks me. And yesterday she said that I need to come in on Friday and she just wouldn't let me get a word in. That pissed me off even more. Forget it. I'm doing what I originally planned which was come in Monday, Thursday and Friday. Only late Monday, early Thursday, and late Friday. That should be fine. If she gives me guff again, I'll just straight out tell her, "it doesn't work with my schedule."

Man, things like this really make me not want to take up this mail thing. Maybe it's time I try to gain other skills so I won't have to do this job anymore. I think that if I'm not improving, then i'm sinking, because everyone else will be gaining more skills than me in their off time.

Time to wake up early tomorrow and kick some butt at the job! I know that I can do this, and it's only IF I'm willing to do this.

Forget what is behind and strain forward to what is ahead. I know that it's going to take the right words and the right attitude to deal with this mail situation. Getting angry never really helped...except in certain times. But yeah, anger doesn't always help.

It's always strange how I remember a lot of times where I had a similar feeling when one feeling comes up. Is this normal? Anyway, if you saw me these past two days, and I didn't look so good, this is one reason why. Maybe I'm too sensitive. got to sleep

Well, it's now 2009. Seems like a lot has changed since I was in college. But then again, a lot hasn't changed. I guess I need to take things one step at a time.

Things change

For some things in my life, they haven't. A lot of my friends are growing and moving on with their lives. I know that in my life, that I need to make some changes. It all depends on me and God. If I decide to improve and work for a better future, then maybe some things will happen in my life also.

Tonight, I could help but feel like a loser. It seems like history is repeating itself again. And I'm at that age where I need to make decisions because I need to make them and not let others make them for me. I guess nobody really knows what I'm writing about, but then again, this is a public blog and why would I mention anything too detailed about my personal life.

Anyway, my friends are trying to help me and I appreciate that, but it's no good unless I try to improve. If I do nothing, it means no improvement and staying a loser.

Anyway, I feel like I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to do anything it seems like. And I escape from everything instead of going face on against those problems.

Complaining won't help anymore. And yes, this blog is getting depressing. I was at one point doing okay. But it seems like I need to get back to the basics and start doing what I used to do and not get discouraged when things don't work out.

i'm going to take my friend's advice that he gave me today. I'll update one week next sunday.

It's been a long time since I last blogged. A lot has been happening in my absence, but I figured it's all not worth mentioning...nothing really newsworthy.

I feel like a lot things are happening so much to people around my age and my siblings. I don't know how to describe it, but it seems like reality is hitting us all in different ways.

As for me, I am feeling depressed and really just not wanting to face life right now. Maybe I need a vacation or something like that. But I don't feel like it will help. Rest is not what I need right now, it's got to be something else.

This past day being Sunday, I felt like maybe I missed out on something again. I didn't make it to church for the 7th or 8th consecutive week and I can't help but feel like I'm not knowing what God has in store for me to do. I also don't want to find out.

Maybe I've forgotten a lot of what happened in college and the times of growth that I had spiritually. But as of the past two years, I've been feeling like the world is just kicking my butt and that I'm growing more and more bitter and feeling more like a loser everyday.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm trying to say, but I'm just tired of everything right now and I don't want to face anything right now. I guess i can't help what the world does. I can only help what I can do myself and try to rely on God throughout these times. It seems like the only constant that has been good in my life has been God. I guess I can't really turn to anyone else right now.

Recently I've been feeling really stupid. I'm doing alright to other people in terms of what I'm doing, but I just feel really stupid quite often. Maybe it's how old I am and how I haven't changed since I was a kid, or just the fact that I can't grasp things as quickly as others. It does take me longer to learn things, but once I got them down, I can access them pretty quickly in my memory.

I guess it will take a lot more work for me to get to where I need to be.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about the past recently. I was not doing well a long time ago in Jr. High school and High school. It really was God at work that brought me out of it. The one person I have to thank is my oldest brother who prayed for me throughout that time I was struggling and all the other people he asked to pray for me. I keep on thinking what I'm doing with my life right now and why I'm not remembering where I came from and what I've been through. I wanted to do something useful as an occupation where I could help people and change people's lives for the better. But as of right now, I'm just working and not doing very much other than my job. I know that I could do more if I got involved in church. Which brings up another thing...I went to my church retreat this past weekend.

Being at the church retreat this past weekend reminded me of how nice people at church are. I saw some old faces that I haven't seen for awhile. If only I could get up in time for church. I told myself that I would just go to church regardless of how late I am from now on. Even if church is over, I will hang out with my friends afterwards and drive up. So from now on, church every week.

Anyway, time is passing by so quickly that I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know why I'm here still and what purpose I have here. I have no direction and I guess the reason being that I haven't sought out and really prayed for direction.

anyway, I'm sounding like a broken record that has written this time and time again on this blog since 5-7 years ago. Maybe I should stop writing on this blog for awhile and start spending more time with God.