So I started World of Warcraft again...I must say that I forgot how tiring it is sometimes and exhilarating at the same time. Sometimes it makes me think that this could be compared to a video game sport of some kind. However, one bad thing about this is that it takes me away from time I could be using to exercise and lose some of the weight that I've gained over the past 3 years.

Part of me thinks that I will be diligent and be able to limit my time on WoW. But part of me thinks that I might go over the edge again and spend way too much time playing this game. So much has changed since I left it about 4 months ago.

What has changed? Well, you can now use the looking for group to go into 5 man dungeons regular or heroic (depending on your gear) across different realms of the same battlegroup. There's also rewards for completing random instances. Anyway, people in my guild have been doing instances like crazy since the new patch came out and I'm falling further away from how well I could be doing in the game.

But then again...it's just a game. I keep on thinking about how old I am now and if I'll ever advance in my career. I keep on thinking about what is the next step in life? Why am I ignoring God so much? (answer is because I'm playing video games and not managing my time...) It makes me think that I could be doing so much better in my life if I had more self control. I guess I should try to make something happen in my life and do something productive. I'm always wondering what purpose I have here on this earth. But who knows? Maybe I'll never find my purpose here...

Well, I rejoined World of Warcraft, but I don't plan on being there for the majority of my life. I want to do more with my life and I'm going to make sure that I achieve something other than an awesome WoW character.

I will update tomorrow sometime...I need to get back into the right mindset of what I want from this life and where is God leading me? Maybe those are two different things. And I am definitely not on the narrow path.

I saw this link on MSN about a man "being trapped in his own skin." You can find the link here.

My first thought when hearing about this was an NPR interview on the talk show "Fresh Air," about how so many people are misdiagnosed as vegetables when they get into an accident...and the result becomes that they let the person die.

It makes me think about my own life...how I'm not really living a fruitful life right now and how I'm wasting a lot of time playing video games. I wonder if I could accomplish so much more if I was focused and had a plan of some sort or even started thinking of a plan to achieve something in life. I guess if I don't start today, then nothing will come out of this thought...

Veteran's day

When I was kid, I thought it'd be cool to go into the army. It wasn't any grand idea about serving the country, or helping out with any war effort, but more like a big video game which I could gain skills and become some sort of officer. As I got older, I realized that people die in war and in combat and that you aren't playing for points or even a level up, but you're role is to kill people and protect those whom your fighting for.

I really didn't want to go into the army when I reached high school. I was afraid of a draft and wondered if I would even survive boot camp. But luckily no draft was ordered and I escaped with my life.

Today is Veteran's day and when I look at some of the things that people sacrificed for us in the United States, I'm always thankful that they put their lives on the line, (some even giving their lives,) so that we can have the freedom that we have today. I always loved WWII films. The strategy of war and working as a team to achieve a common goal. It's kind of like American football in some sense, except deadlier. Me being a civilian and never really sacrificing that much for my country, I really respect those who have served in the military for our country.

Even now, I wonder if some of my friends who went into the military are still living. I hope so, but I have no idea if they are or not. I can only hope and pray that they come back alive.

She and her friend are both Christian, and I wondered if it was a good idea for them to even go into the military. She is such a nice person that it's hard for me to imagine her doing the dirty work of our country. All I know is that I'm not doing much for this country and I guess the only thing that I can really do is volunteer my time and my money for causes that deserve it and spend less on myself. Not saying I do much of that, but it really makes you think about what people do for you; and the fact that you don't realize what they're doing. I hope that you'll take some time today, or even another day, to really think about what people do for you so that you can enjoy the freedoms that you have today.

Since I'm part Japanese, and some of the people that go to my church fought in WWII in the 442nd regiment, I thought that it'd be nice to post a link to some info about them. While they are only a small part of the service that has been done in this country, I hope that you will take some time to read about some history of the wars in the present and in the past. I can't stress enough how much we owe all the veterans.

There's times when I wonder why God has placed me on this earth...today was one of them. It seems like things build up in my life and I don't diffuse it early enough, and it becomes a huge explosion that causes lots of burns in my life. Anyway, I don't think that I handled it very well today, but oh well...got to forgive, pray, and get better over the weekend.

I sometimes wonder how things would be with the people that I know if I wasn't part of their lives.
Anyway, nothing serious, just blew up today and said some things that may have caused people to not feel so good.

Learn from your experiences and don't let history repeat itself.

Didn't God die and rise again for them too?

Our bible study is going through this book called, "The Ragamuffin gospel," by Brennan Manning. I must say that I've only read the first two chapters and I find that I am agreeing a lot about what he is saying.

God loves everyone (sinners)
God loves not only the "good" people, but the "bad" people as well
God is a God of grace and Mercy and not an accountant looking to be repaid for your sins
God loves the outcasts, prostitutes, Money grubbers and IRS agents, homosexuals

Etc.

I must say this book really brought back some of the love that I felt from God when I first experienced Him at AACF. Granted not all AACF members are loving or accepting, but there were key players that played a big part in my life and I felt that I could actually be myself for once.

However, as I got out of college I found that the world is a very unforgiving and cold place to be in. I always wondered why it seemed like the youth had more fire in their bellies than the career aged people. I told myself that I'd never be like that, but I found that when I started a job and had less time, I took my eyes off of God and put it more on this world.

Anyway, a long story short, I became like everyone else in this world and not much like God's personality.

I found that in the first chapter, he hits one of the things I was struggling with which was grace from God and not judgment for my wrongs. I felt that I couldn't be forgiven for the wrongs I had done or what other people thought of me. So I'm glad we're reading this book.

Anyway, it also brings up a good point that I need to love those around me and try to at least pray for them. Because God loves everyone. And even though I'm struggling with loving my neighbors as myself, or treating people the same way I would like to be treated, I find that God loves them just as much as He loves me.

I know that in the future, what we accomplished on earth or all the money we made or things we collected or own won't be worth anything in comparison to knowing God. As Paul wrote, "I count them all rubbish in comparison to knowing God."

I guess I have things to work on in accepting people as they are. I wonder exactly what I'll be doing in God's kingdom when heaven comes. But whatever it is, I'll be happy that I'll be with the Lord. Hopefully...heh

When the Last Sword is Drawn

I watched this movie with my dad tonight. I was really impressed with this movie as I felt that it captured a lot of Japanese culture in the sense of honor and tradition of the Samurai. You can find this link to Amazon.com here.

The movie seemed to really get at the heart of the traditional samurai and a "true" samurai. One of the first scenes of the movie has the two main characters drawing swords at one another with one samurai intent to kill the other. What happens next, I will let you find out.

The heart of the movie is about the changing times from Samurai times (Tokugawa era) to Meiji era where Samurai means nothing anymore. The Shogun will lose his power and the emperor will be restored to power (basically the changing of the times at that time.) The Shogun government fights this and resists the southwestern clans raising up the emperor.

A note, in the Meiji era, it became the Meiji era because of Commodore Perry from America who blasted the land from afar with cannons on boats and showed that the power of new technology is superior to the old way of swords and bushido. Because of that event of being helpless to the western technology and will, Japan adopted a new way of life so that they could become more "modern."

Also another note, a lot of farmers moved out of Japan during the Meiji era and settled in Hawaii and the west coast of America because to fund the Meiji Restoration, middle class farmers were taxed heavily. So a lot of them moved to America because they heard stories of people coming back rich.

Anyway back to the movie...it was a great movie. I really liked it and I feel like I can relate to the main character in his stubbornness and sense of duty to his country. The main character didn't earn much and had to go to an extreme of leaving his clan for a reason explained in the latter parts of the movie. In the beginning I was perplexed as to why he left his family. They were worse off when he left and it was a mystery to me throughout the whole movie until the end. But all I can say is that he did it because he had to. There was no other choice as it seemed. And he and they sacrificed much to keep on living.

The movie does get slow at times and the story bounces back and forth through flashbacks and different points of time not in chronological order which can be confusing but understable as those points reveal plot points.

Overall, I really enjoyed this movie. See it on netflix if you have it. The movie is called, "When the last sword is drawn." Maybe it's because I can relate to some of it that I really liked it. It has a lot of Japanese culture in it. But maybe because I feel like so many people sacrificed much for me (a descendant) in my recent family history that I feel like I owe them more than I'm giving them right now.

A line from the movie was, "Get ahead of the times...Go wild. Bloom." I won't spoil the movie for you by telling you what that means, but it does mean a lot in the movie. Part of me wishes that I was more disciplined in my life. But wishing will never make reality happen.

In economics, we learn that money spent here is money you could have spent elsewhere. You can apply that to time. Time you spent here, could have been spent elsewhere. And that's part of what sacrifice is all about. What are you willing to sacrifice for your future and your descendants or for other people? It's not about giving something up, but creating something worthwhile in the time, money, and everything you've got to put it to good use for a common goal.

I keep on asking what I want to do with my life. But I know what I need to do first before I seek out what I want to do.

The Ramen Girl reviews on Amazon

If you go to www.amazon.com, or easier by following this link, they have a great review by this person named "go fish." He/she captured what the movie was all about and reviews it a lot better than I do. Anyone who has lived in both Japan and America can relate to this movie. I really liked this movie and hope that the screenwriters will write more about Japan and America and the cultural differences in movie format. =)

Temptations of WoW

Even though nobody is playing World of Warcraft in my guild, I'm finding that I want to log in to play the Hallow's end holiday event when it hits October 18th, but I won't.

It seems like nobody in my guild is playing as they're all the same level as they were before, except for one person. With new challenges in life and new babies being born I guess nobody has time to waste on things that don't matter.


The Ramen Girl

Anyway, was reminded of Japan again when my parents were watching this movie called, "the Ramen Girl." Okay movie, but would have been way better if they kept the deleted scenes in the movie. Most of the movie left plot holes that were explained in the deleted scenes. The deleted scenes would have made the movie a lot darker and kept the movie longer than most people could handle, but I would have liked the movie a lot more with them in. Maybe that's just me.

The Ramen Girl, however, is a light hearted movie which shows part of Japan's culture in putting everything into their work or life, (their work being their life.) Definitely this movie is all about "heart" as the ramen shop owner who is training the ramen girl puts everything on the line for her while the ramen girl needs to adapt to Japanese culture. Culture clashes and anger arise, but in the midst of it you see that both of them are trying to help one another in the end. As you go along in the movie, you see that both chef and student need one another because they both need to change. Both are stubborn and are missing something in their lives because they just can't seem to do what they got to do.

A tagline from the movie was, "In food as in life, sometimes the missing ingredient is love." In this crazy fast paced world it's easy to go on with your life and forget what or who are most important to you. Maybe that's saying too much for this movie as it didn't really get that deep into that, but in Japan, sometimes that's as deep as you'll get. However, the movie did really get to what mattered most to them in the end.

To get to know a person in Japan is really difficult, because of all the safeguards a Japanese person has. Sometimes you need to share a moment in what someone really loves to do...whether it be drinking or an activity that shows their heart, like cooking. Whatever it is, people do not open up too easily in Japan and culture definitely keeps Japanese reserved. Sometimes you can't do what you want to do in Japan, but must follow the rules. It's complicated, but as a westerner, you can express who you are even in the midst of the norms and traditions. This movie is an expression of that, being who you are in the midst of the norms, yet experiencing reservedness and conflict in being different. However, it is also a mix of conforming to the norms, because that's how you get through life sometimes.

Anyway check it out on netflix if you're interested. I liked the movie. IMDB has a page on it found here. Definitely reminded me of Japan. However, if you haven't been there, you may wonder why everything is the way it is in the movie. The movie stays true to Japanese culture and misconceptions from westerners and some foreign attitudes in Japan. However, in the deleted scenes, it shows the darkness that is prevalent in Japan, which is true of all places that people anywhere don't like to talk about.

Not much work to do...

I find that the less money I have, the more I think about it. When I was in college, I didn't have to worry so much about money because I knew that I was taken care of for the time being. But now that I'm working and I'm not making that much money and have expenses to pay every month, I keep on worrying about the future and if I'll be on the streets someday.

Today, there wasn't much work to do, so it didn't make sense for me to go in when my coworker could finish it off in about an hour. Half and hour of work isn't much money and I think that I'd be paying more in gas to get there. So I let my coworker have all the work today.

It seems like so many people are struggling with even getting a job nowadays, so I should count myself lucky. I need to save up more money now and invest more instead of buying video games and playing world of warcraft. I guess it's times like these that I am actually glad that I have a job and that I'm not in danger of losing it.

Which brings up another point. A lot of places are cutting back, so I need to either do a lot better than my coworkers, or maybe be laid off sometime. Man, I keep on thinking that I should try to do translating as a side job. And maybe that's what I should be doing now instead of writing this blog. Yeah, I guess good workers find work to do when there's no work to do. Something my dad told me a long time ago and it does work.

Anyway, I only hope that things get better soon, but I can't wait for things to happen...I need to make something happen in my life.

So I decided after doing some research on translating Japanese into English, that maybe I'll only do it for fun and just try to improve my Japanese not so much for a career, but for my own benefit. I looked at some quotes on a website called www.proz.com and saw that

1. you have to translate stuff really quickly
2. you have to be really good
3. there is a lot of people who do this already and are pretty good

Since I don't know very much about Japanese culture compared to someone who has lived in Japan for many years, I don't think that it would be a good fit for me to try to go into a career in this field. I mean, I struggled enough with just teaching English in a Japanese environment, how can I communicate to Japanese people at all or communicate with English speaking people what Japanese people are saying?

Anyway, sometimes I wonder what I'm going to do next as a career and sometimes I wonder what I'm doing with my life here on earth. I'm finding a lack of purpose in my life as I'm not making it to church.

Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm doing here. And maybe I just need to find something positive to do with my time.

Huskies win over USC!

When I was in college, it seemed like UW could never beat USC. I remember the one football game I went to was with USC and UW at Husky stadium. I think we punted the football into the end zone and Reggie Bush caught it and ran it back all around our guys and scored a touchdown. I didn't want to watch the butchering of our team, so I left early, because it was cold. What can I say? Maybe I'm not a true fan as one of my friends put it.

Today, I caught the first half of the UW vs. USC football game on TV. All I can say is, the program looks a heck of a lot better and I think the football team at UW has a lot more confidence with these two new coaches. It wasn't a slaughter again and UW ended up winning. My parents told me that I missed the game of the year, because I fell asleep at halftime and woke up from the cheering on TV from UW's win.

Sarkisian and Holt are doing a good job in turning this team around. They have a long way to go, but I'm actually hopeful that I can see the Huskies go to a bowl game this year.

My dad was saying something today about USC before they hired Pete Carol. The year before they hired Pete Carol, USC was the worst in the PAC-10 and the Huskies ran over USC that year. They hired Pete Carol the year after to transform the program and history writes itself. Last year, UW was 0-12 and was run over by USC 54-0. They hire Sarkisian and Holt from USC and the program looks better now.

Anyway, USC was missing their quarterback and number 1 defensive person. Plus Sarkisian and Holt probably knew most of the plays that USC would run from previous experience, but you got to hand it to the Huskies that they did have some great plays and they did stop the USC offense. I don't know if USC's quarterback or number one defensive man will come back next year, but the real test is the next time they meet.

I'm really glad that UW has something to hold their head high to.

It always seems like I have trouble going to sleep when I don't have personal time for myself to do something after work. No matter if I had fun going out with others or doing something in a group, I need my personal space and time. So that's why I'm still up at this hour.

I was thinking about the last few days that I've been taking care of my dog. Before, I never understood why my dog was barking all the time. I'd come home, walk him and give him his treats and then I'd go inside after he was done and he'd start barking. Normally I'd go outside and tell him to stop or grab his mouth and tell him, "no barking." But the past couple of days I've been thinking about what he actually might be trying to tell me.

My dog would be inside the whole day and basically be by himself. I noticed that when I pet him his back would be all tight and after I'd pet him for what seems like 15 minutes, I'd find that he wouldn't bother me for the rest of the night. All he wanted was some love from the person taking care of him.

It made me feel bad for the other times that I took care of him and told him to shut up basically. And it's rare to find people nowadays who actually have time or want to spend time with you. Everyone is so busy with their lives that you either have to make an appointment with a person's and your schedule, or you be lazy and don't do anything. With my dog however, he is like my kid, except that he doesn't hold any malice and always forgives you no matter how late you are to walk him. He's just glad that you showed up.

Anyway, comparing this to my life, I feel that sometimes in my relationship with God, (not saying that God is like a dog, or we're like dogs to God,) I find that all He wants from us is to love Him, and to love others. That you "treat people the same you want them to treat you," (Matthew 7:12. context Matthew 7:1-13,) or you help those in need (Matthew 25:31-46.)

And yet, even though I know all of this, I fail to do this most everyday. I mean, what does this look like in everyday life? I guess I need to think about these verses and my own life and remember them when the time comes to do what God has placed before me.

As one of my friends stated, "you've been saying some of the same things for the past several years. What's the moral to your story?" My response was, "there is no moral." But maybe my friend was right. Maybe I'm not getting it, because I'm not learning from my mistakes. I think my problem is that I don't think ahead and I'm always caught off guard when things do happen. I can't think on the spot, I need to deal with familiar situations, which doesn't always happen before they actually happen. Preparation is key, in life and in faith.

If you're not prepared, then you'll most likely fail. Unless you're good on the spot and can learn heck of quickly. I want that to be the theme of my life. Preparation and preparedness. I can't take life anymore this way as I'm feeling like I'm useless and not doing anybody any good. Guess the goal should be relationship with God first, relationships with people 2nd, and everything else after that. Hopefully I can pull this off. Guess discipline comes into play here. Something I lack a lot of lately, given my weight and my tardiness. Guess I need to get my act together.

Ted Kennedy's editor of his memoir on Fresh air

I listened to this tonight and thought that it was a really good interview. Ted Kennedy died some time ago, may he rest in peace, but his book was printed the day he died. Apparently they had been working on the book for 2 years before his death.

The editor tells the interviewer (Terry Gross) about who Ted Kennedy was as he got to know him. The book "True Compass" came out today. I plan to get it.

If you're interested in hearing the interview of the editor, you can check out fresh air on npr at this link. Or type in the search on google. The interview is on September 14th, 2009

The memories I'm having of Japan are slowly fading away. But even as I'm studying my 3rd year textbook, I'm having memories of college. It's kind of funny what I'm remembering from class. It's kind of weird actually remembering certain things from 7 years ago that happened in class. How to write kanji, some questions brought up, and just some of the same things that I forgot and seeing the answer in the same place in the book. It's a good thing I guess. Maybe it's happier than my time in Japan.

Anyway, I keep on thinking about people there in Japan. I don't know if they hate me or what, but so much time has passed that i'm sure they forgot all about me. Well, probably most of them. But the few that I remember I remember with fond memories. There were some great teachers there. But there were also some teachers who probably didn't like me at all. And i wonder why that was. But I guess that's the thing, you might never know what a person thinks about you in Japan.

I wonder if I could have handled things differently if I got more sleep and prepared earlier. Most likely, I could have, and I did do better towards the end of my time there; mainly because my friend kept me accountable. But maybe it was a good thing that I came back after only 7 months there.

Anyway, I know that there are learning experiences from everything. Maybe this was my first real job after college where I had to be an adult. Maybe I just wasn't ready for it. But I'm glad that I went, even though it was hard and I do feel like I've grown because of it. Maybe I'll always remember Japan as my time teaching the kids in the elementary schools there.

Is faith taken seriously?

Something that a pastor said about, "Guys don't take their faith seriously," is really making me think. Especially since a lot of things are changing for people I know that are taking their faith seriously...in a good way.

It makes me wonder, why are we Christian if we don't spend any time with God or read the word? Wasn't the point of Jesus dying on the cross to break down the wall separating us from God? And also to bring people together instead of further apart from each other? To also break down the barrier of racism and people groups hating other people groups?

I think that I need to make it to church consistently or else lose my sense of purpose here on earth. In fact, I think I lost my sense of purpose here.

I look at some of my family and friends that don't know God and I think just how much better their lives could be. But when I look at their lives and my life, I see that they are further along than I am and I am not making that much of a difference in their lives. I feel that if I spent more time with God consistently; reading the bible, making it to church, and praying for others that I would see more of God's work in their lives and in my life.

The only thing to do is to do it now. To plan on making time for God and to plan on making sure that I'm balanced in my life. I am far behind everyone else and I need to catch up.

Maybe what the pastor said was right about me in that "guys don't take their faith seriously, [not as seriously as girls do.]" Maybe that's why I'm failing in life.

Anyway, I want to know who I am and what purpose I have here. I have lots of work to do. Can't all be done in a day. Must be done constantly over time. We all start out not doing very well in something new, because we have no experience in it. But as we go along, we get better. I guess I shouldn't compare myself to others who have been walking longer and are farther along than me.

Anyway, growth needs time and care put into it. Also growth can only come from God. We can plant seeds in the ground, and water them, but only God can make them grow. (some wisdom from a friend of mine.) We don't know how they grow, we just see the result. Anyway, enough babbling...

Hula Girls





















So I watched this movie tonight. Set in 1965 in Joban, Japan; this is a coal mining town that is laying off workers. With not much hope for the future, the town clings to its own old tradition of mining coal. The times have changed and coal is not being used as much in this new wave of the future.

The town has one resource besides coal, and that is its hot springs. With a far fetched idea of creating a resort in that freezing hell, one man hires a professional dancer to teach girls Hula in hopes that they can create a "taste of Hawaii in Japan" and attract visitors.

The town sticking to its tradition of mining coal is resistant to making the resort and few latch onto the idea of dancing in front of others. In fact, everyone in the town thought that they would have to take off their clothes and be indecent, which is not Hula.

With obstacles from family and town folk, the teacher has to train these girls to dance or else the future of the town is up in smoke.

******
Anyway, I enjoyed the movie. There were some parts in there that put a tear in my eye as usual for a good Japanese movie. But there were also some parts with humor in it also. It reminded me a lot of being in Japan as I've actually felt their cold winters without a heater and was reminded of the culture and attitudes towards new things and new ways. It made me wish that I could have been a better teacher for the kids that I was teaching and a better coworker to my fellow staff in the schools. But all of it is up in smoke now.

I kind of wish that I could have been a better person in Japan and actually made more of an impact there. Wish I could have made it to church and gotten to know the pastor and his family. But all of these are gone now and I either have the option of writing, going back to the town where I taught and seeing if people remember me, or just having these feelings of I don't know what...I'm not sure what I'm feeling, but I miss the town where I taught.

I wonder if they'll ever accept again...but who knows. Maybe the only thing I can do is pray because I haven't kept in contact with anyone from the town. Certain scenes from the movie reminded me of my last days in Japan. I wonder if I'll ever go back there...

Anyway, I guess life is what we make of it. We have choices to make in our lives and nobody really knows what those choices will mean in the future. I hope that the kids will remember me with good memories, but most likely, everyone will likely forget sooner or later.

Like the movie, we either try something new for our future, even if it meets opposition, or we stick to our old ways and go down.

Anyway, having parents from Hawaii and me also being in Japan for a little bit, this movie was definitely true to Japanese culture and change. I highly recommend this movie to anyone who has been to Japan and likes Hawaii.

This world is what you make out of it

I kind of wonder if I really fit in in this world. I don't really think so, and I guess I will always struggle with this. But I always wonder why I was brought into this world. What purpose do I have here? What am I doing with my life? Am I making my life count for something worthwhile? Or am I just wasting what God has given me?

I think about these things, because I find that I often feel like my life is worthless, even though I am trying to do good things from time to time. I guess what my pastor said is true, "It's not about the doing that matters, it's about the heart behind it." While men look at the outside, God looks at the heart.

How is my heart nowadays? In college, it was a lot better than it is now. I often wonder how did I fall so hard? How did I become like I am now? And I know the answer is that I spent my time playing video games or doing stuff that didn't have any value in it. I didn't do what I should have done and did what I wanted to do because it is fun. Watching TV or playing video games may have been what have lead me to lose a lot of my purpose here...

Anyway, I can't blame TV or video games, because they are not the problem. The problem was me not making my life worth something. I'm not saying that my life is worthless, because no one's life is worthless. God has a purpose for everyone. But what I'm saying was that I have not done things to give my life meaning. What have I done that is worthwhile to someone else? How have I made a difference for God's kingdom?

It seems like I'm still struggling with these same things 5 years later from when I wrote about these things. I know that God has a purpose for us wherever we are. To be salt and light to those who don't know God or don't have hope in God; to be God's ambassadors by showing others God's love.

I guess I just don't know how to do that well anymore. I feel like I don't care anymore and that I just don't want to get out of bed. Part of me fights that something inside of me that wants to give up. And I remember a time in my life when I gave up, and things got worse, because I DID give up. And I can't go back to the way that I used to be way back when. So I get out.

I can't keep on waiting for something to happen, because nothing will happen if I wait forever for it. I need to work on something and find something that I want to do with my life. And I don't know if I'm doing something that will actually help people. I want to get my life together and I want to find some direction with my life.

One of my friends is going back to school, even though she has a phD in another focus. I totally respect that as she is finding that she doesn't want to do this job she's currently in and wants to do something that she will enjoy more. It's things like that that really inspire me to do better.

Anyway, I get tomorrow on call because we don't have too much work to do. So I'm going to study Japanese during that time. Yes, I'm taking the level 3 test after failing the level 2 test three times. I need to make it out to Uwajimaya and buy some materials for that test. I should be able to pass the level 3 test, but given how much I've forgotten, I'm not so sure.

Anyway, seems like I just babbled on for about what I've been talking about for a long time on this blog. My point is, I want to make my life count, but I can't do that if I don't make my life into something worthwhile. And I can't do that if I'm not seeking God first. And I can't do that if I'm always putting myself first. So with all that, I know what I need to do...it's just will I do it? And will I stick to it? Decisions decisions...

I kind of wonder who reads my blog, because I really don't think that I write interesting stuff on here. Not most of the time...

Anyway, I want to do better in life. I gave up WoW, so that's the first step...even though the new expansion looks so cool coming out in 2010. But no, I've seen how far other people have gone in this world in a lot of aspects...spirituality, service, success, hospitality, and friendliness. I want these things in my life...but with everything, you must work for it and come up with plans.

Planning...

A wedding and a friend from out of town

Okay, so I posted a lot today...anyway, yesterday, August 22nd, I went to a friend's wedding. The 2nd wedding in 2 weeks and I really didn't want to go. For some reason, a part of me wants to stay home and relax on the weekend and not do anything with anyone, because I want my time to be my time. But when I do go to social events, I do find that I feel better and my next week is a lot better.

Anyway, I was feeling kind of antisocial and I didn't want to go, but I did go. I guess in new situations, especially with people I don't know, it is unknown and that bothers me. The new people don't bother me, don't get me wrong, it's the feelings that I get that bother me of not knowing.

I went and saw some familiar faces, saw a great wedding, saw two people that are really cool have the party of their lives, and got to dance a little bit (even though I'm terrible at dancing heh.) I had a great time there and I was glad that I went. Everyone was so happy and the bride and groom were honored among friends and family.

I forgot my camera, so I can't tell you what the place looked like, but it was a really nice place. The place looked like it was some place in Hawaii. Nice garden, the reception house had colorful paintings and stained wood. It was the perfect place for their wedding, because it fit their character.

We met this guy we met in college at AACF. He went to the neighboring college and visited AACF a few times and then I never saw him again until this wedding...well maybe once at a retreat center before that...Very nice guy and a very good guy. He is a chaplain at a hospital in California. Anyway, it's interesting to see where people have gone since college as one friend was saying. People have become full fledged adults and are working doing something as a profession.

I always respect those who go into the ministry, because they sacrifice a lot for other people and God. Sometimes some sacrifice their own life for others and God...it costs them something to help others and it makes a difference in other people's lives.

Anyway, it was a good wedding and it made me think about my own life a little bit more. When they were talking about the groom in the ceremony, they brought all these good points about him. I was thinking, "yeah, these are all true." But then I thought to myself, man, I'm lacking compared to him. I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves to others, but it was a wake up call that I'm getting older and I should be further along than I am now.

Someone said recently that "most guys don't take their seriously. You see all these women who do, and their husbands are just kind of tagging along." I have to kind of agree with him...as I was kind of bumming around (I'm not married though) and not really doing what I should be doing.

Anyway, just some thoughts that I've been thinking about. I keep on thinking about the reason why I was born. Why am I the way I am now? What purpose do I have here on earth? And I know that whether or not I get married, or whether or not I have a good job or am doing awesome things, it all doesn't matter in comparison to giving God honor. That's something that struck me about what the groom said to his girlfriend, now wife, was that, "God's glory first, us second."



*******

Bump forward a day and one of my friends from college is in town because of the wedding. We got together for dinner with a group of friends that we knew from AACF. It was a good time of fellowship and food. I'm always impressed with how much he's grown since college. I remember times when he would complain and I would listen to him because that's what friends do. But now, he's the one who tries to support others and serve God as much as he can. He went on a mission to South America recently and even though he doesn't know why God sent him down there, I'm sure that God has His purposes for calling people do things that we cannot understand now. I know that my friend knows this also. He was obdient to God's calling and obdience to God shows love for God. To obey is better than sacrifice.

Anyway, we went to Red Robin and then Starbucks afterwards. It was a lot of fun and I'm glad that I went.

The part in me that wants to stay home and do what I want to do is something that I battle everyday. "Sometimes, you have to do what you don't want to do." (a line from a cartoon I watched as a kid. Mighty Max.) Sometimes you have to force yourself to do what is good for you rather than sitting back and letting things happen.

But taking a line from today's sermon, I must prepare for when God tells me to do something. I must wait. But then again, I've been talking about things like this for a long time and no fruit has come out of it. Well, one day at a time. One day at a time. Like the Steven Curtis Chapman song, "I'm living the next 5 minutes, because these next 5 minutes may be all I have." I don't know why, but I don't think that I will live to a very old age for some reason. Not sure why, but maybe it's nothing and just paranoia taking over.

Another Sunday

I made it to service...late, but made it in time for the message. I owe it to being more disciplined with my sleep schedule. Anyway, what struck me from today's message was "waiting on God."

The message was called, "Those who Wait/Hope." Text Isaiah 40:28-31

So the whole point the pastor made was that people had given up hope and were exiled in Babylon at the time of this writing. They thought that God had forgotten them. But God in His perfect timing brought them back to Jerusalem.

His point was to wait on God. To wait for His timing and His purpose to be known. It seems like we wait a long time for God's will to be known.


Back to me, I was thinking about this today. I keep on thinking about will I ever get married? Will I ever find something that I want to do with my life? Will I go on a mission next year? I don't know. But first off, I need to pray about what God wants me to do with my life? Should I go to Brazil to do a mission? And if so, when? I think that it would be a good thing to do a mission, but if God doesn't want me there, then I have no reason to go.

Anyway, I've heard this message from the pastor several times before. To wait upon God. To be a person of "waiting" and not so much "doing" all the time, as he pointed out that we are a "doing" people. I'm feeling like I'm missing a point here. What am I waiting for? Does that mean I do nothing with my time? (I think I tend to get in that habit especially when I don't think about things.) No, it doesn't mean that I do nothing with my time. I think the waiting time is to prepare us for the time that things do happen.

I'm going nowhere with my life right now and I'm not very happy. But my small group has given me several suggestions and I'm not sure what I want to do as of yet. And if I do decide to do what I'm thinking of, will it turn into another pointless and unrewarding thing? Anyway, the job market is not good right now and I guess that has been a good thing for me because it shook me up. I was warned about coming tardy and I woke up. I woke up from my slumber. Who knows what the future will bring? I never thought that I'd get a job in Japan 3 years ago, but I did. Even though it was tough, I still remember some things today like they were yesterday. Some of the memories, I'm haunted by, but some were really good. I do feel like I've changed since then though.

Waiting upon God and His timing. It's so hard, because we want things now. But good things come to those who wait. And I know that God will do great things in this world. Will He do great things in my life? Yes, I think He's always working in everyone's lives.

Anyway, I'm far from where I need to be and I've spent the last two years living in limbo. I need to make up some ground. Well, maybe the best thing that happened to me this year was to be shook up. Whatever happens, I'm sure things will be alright. Heh, I wonder why people read my blog sometimes...I've been told that it is not that interesting. heh and maybe it is not interesting.

Video game article

I was looking for the article to post about how video gamers in their 30s are overweight, depressed, and unsuccessful as my friend showed me the article on MSNBC, however I couldn't find it and found this one instead.

This article apparently talks about how video games should be classified as a mental illness. Or should I say, video game addiction. One mother in the article talks about her son who was outgoing and academically successful until he started playing an online video game called, "World of Warcraft" and became reclusive, uncleanly, and belligerent. He even flunked 2 tenth grade classes because of the game. They tried to take the game away and he cursed them and threatened them with bodily harm. She said in the article, that when they tried to take the game away from him, he acted like he was posessed.

I can relate to the kid in some ways as being a world of warcraft player myself, I know how addicting that game can be and how life changing (in a bad way) it can affect people. All the things in the article that said, "he started avoiding friends, not taking showers, not sleeping, etc. all to play WoW" are true for some people who play wow, if not a lot of them.

However, I don't think that video games can be classified as a mental illness. In the most extreme case, they can be classified as a "vice."

There have been stories of people losing their jobs, friends, or even flunking out of school because of video games. But I'd say video games aren't the problem. It could be that the kid is having trouble getting along with other kids, or family problems, school problems...video games are not a mental illness, but they are a escape to treat a bad feeling or boredom. How many people do you know drink to be social or escape the world? Or just drink to have a good time? But as you know, they are vices which are causing problems to people.

Anyway, video games in itself is not a bad thing. It's just our tendencies to overplay them that we miss out on life that cause bad things to happen, and good thing to not happen in our lives. Like alcohol, if taken in moderation, it can be something fun. But it can't be the focus of our lives. And for some kids, it's something else to do, and for others, it's all they do.

I suggest that parents don't start their kids on online video gaming, because kids know no limits and games like World of Warcraft are really addictive. So addictive that in fact, they might lose sight of the real world and not build anything productive here. It is much better to have their friends come over and play a console game with your kid. That way you can put a limit on their playing time, and get them to do something else, like play baseketball or throw a baseball around.

One last note, World of Warcraft does have parental controls so parents can set when their kids can play and when they can't. It does not have a time limit on it, but it blocks out certain times of the day when they can and can't play. The parental controls may need an upgrade as it could allow parents to make a timer for how many hours a kid can play in a day in addition to the time blockouts. There could be a daily timer that would limit the amount of hours they could play in a day, in addition to a weekly timer which would limit their time for that week. Just a thought...I know I'm going to be hated by many people if Blizzard starts making this.

But what can you do, I say this, because I used to have a problem with World of warcraft and I was on the verge of getting fired from my job. I'm still in trouble, because of my tardiness to work from staying up too late playing World of Warcraft. I write these things, not because I'm against world of warcraft or video games, but rather to tell people that care for others who are addicited that video games can be a problem if a person does not know how to responsibly control them. If Blizzard does put in upgraded parental controls, props to them.

Once you stop playing video games, you need to fill it in with something productive, like reading or playing a musical instrument, studying, martial arts, exercising, etc. I guarantee that it will be tough and not fun at first, but the rewards from this hard work will pay off in ways that are worth more than the best gear and owning people in a video game. That is, if you stick to it and don't give up. It's easier to give up in life than to stick with something and try to be successful at it. But if you stick with it, you could be successful and it's not something that everyone can say that they have done. Note, everyone starts off at a novice level. People who have been doing something longer will be better than others who just started, so don't compare yourself to the veterans, just work at getting better and improving. The real world has better benefits and they feel much better too.

Note, I've been sober from WoW for 1 week now.

Okay, so someone leaked out that I have a different blog besides my Japan one, so one of my friends might be reading this also...oh well...guess if you tell someone something, you can't expect them to keep it a secret. Especially when you don't tell them to keep it a secret.

Anyway, June and Mike's wedding was yesterday. Traffic going north was pretty bad. I should have left earlier, but I wasn't thinking about getting my shirt ironed and tying a tie. But it was a good wedding. They both looked so happy and I'm happy for them.

Mike is a great dancer. It seemed like he never repeated a dance move for a different song. I was amazed at how many moves he has. I guess that it's all about feeling the music.

I couldn't find my camera, so I didn't take any pictures. But I like to use my memory more than pictures anyway. Even though pictures can be a nice reminder...

So I am trying to study Japanese more. I know that I tried this for a long time with no success. Especially with all the distractions around me. I just keep on getting reminded of Japan each time I study and I feel kind of like I failed each time I think about Japan. I kind of wonder what purpose I had there. Did I do any good there? Or was I just too focused on doing my job that I missed out on what God had in store for me. It was really tough as I don't really talk that much and make friends all that easily. But I do remember that it was a once in a lifetime experience which I will probably never have again, unless I do a mission. I feel like I just didn't do what I was supposed to do there. I didn't feel like I helped kids to learn English that well, and not making it to church myself, I was spiritually weak. I guess these are lessons that I need to carry over to here in the US.

Anyway, I need to focus on what I want to do with my life. I'm getting older and I can't keep on living with my parents forever. I'm tired of everyone trying to push me to go further in my life. Frankly they're only making me angry and making me not wanting to be with them. Especially family...but I know they mean well. It doesn't work that way with me though. If I want to do something, I'll do it. Not because someone tells me to do something. When my parents tell me to do this or that, I only feel like a little kid again...never able to do what I could on my own. Maybe I should move out. But where would I move out to? I guess I could always rent a studio. Anyway...my growth has come through steps that I took on my own most of the time. I never really listened to my parents, because they really don't know how to talk to me about things. I guess it's time to take responsibility for my own life. But we'll see where I go.

I'm always wondering what I'm doing here. Maybe the answer is, "nothing."

Let me explain. I take myself out of situations instead of trying to engage in things. I withdraw from conversation instead of trying to make some conversation. Maybe I'm getting lazy or getting used to being by myself like some kind of hermit, but something has got to change.

I don't like to be around people most of the time, because I feel uncomfortable and unsure of what to say. But then there are times that it's fun to be around other people. I think that maybe just the nervousness of being around other people prevents me from going out there and being part of some conversation or group.

I always look back on my time in Japan and see how I didn't know anybody there, except for one person in another prefecture. It was good to spend time with him, but I didn't visit often enough and I kept to myself inside my one person apartment with a cockroach. I always wondered why I went to Japan.

Part of me felt like I'd grow up a little more if I went. Part of me wanted to get away from my graveyard shift job and try something different. Part of me wanted to try something new...something...anything positive. But what happened in Japan was both positive, but also a little discouraging for me.

I didn't venture out and try new things, I stayed home and tried to make a new lesson for school. I put all of my effort into trying to keep this job and make interesting lessons. Then when i felt the need for conversation, I found that I turned to the TV or surfed the net. I didn't have a group that I could belong to in Japan. Even though I saw some of the other English teachers, I didn't meet with them or at least try to get to know them more.

Depression hit and I was losing it toward the end. I lost my temper a couple of times in school. I even withdrew in school and didn't talk to anybody during lunch when that was the time the students had time to get to know me. I felt worthless and alone.

Even though I survived all of that, I felt like I was far away from home and that nobody really cared about me. Which was untrue, but I really needed someone to talk to. Which could have been a good thing that I didn't renew my contract. I don't know if anything would have changed if I stayed. My situation might have grown worse.

I wonder if I had done things differently in Japan, would things have been a lot better?

Which brings me to what I'm doing here in the States. Nothing has changed as one friend put it. I haven't changed much. I still have the same problems and same weaknesses. I still isolate myself and don't do very much talking. And the choices I make, determine who I become. God is not mocked! A man reaps what he sows.

So the question becomes, what do I want to become and how do I get there? It will take a lot of hard work to get there, but it's going to have to be conscious choices and changing things daily. I guess I should work toward those things instead of writing about it.

So tonight, there was farewell party for one of our friends who is going to bible school. He has been a good friend to me all throughout since I knew him. I guess I have not been that great of a friend to him. But hopefully I can be a better friend in the future.

I wonder what new things God has in store for him and if he'll meet some awesome girl down where he's going. I guess that's not the reason why he is going, but hopefully he'll meet some good people there.

We watched some of his videos that he made for Christian ministry and other projects. Pretty good stuff and a good sense of humor. I look forward to what he can do in the future with the new skills God will give him.

So questions arise from being dormant so long. I spent so much time in the world of warcraft that I didn't realize how far I'm drifting away from people and from God. Putting things into perspective, if you don't eat, you don't grow. And if you don't exercise, you don't get stronger. A parable about having food to eat which you do not know about, which is God's words found in the bible.

I found that so many people are growing stronger and here I am becoming weaker and weaker. I told myself that before I'd play video games, I'd at least spend some time doing what I should be doing.

Something that I compared life to in terms of world of warcraft though was that "you could be spending all your time doing a job, talking with people, and going out, but unless you take some time out to spend some time with God, then it's empty." World of warcraft can be like a part time/full time job. Basically there's a lot of work to do in that game and even though you can be doing well in the game, you might not be doing well in the real world. Think of some addicts who are playing world of warcraft all the time, yet showing up late for their jobs or even losing their jobs and friendships with people. Compare that with the real world and the spiritual world. You can be doing well in the real world, but spiritually, you might be missing the point.

I wonder if I can keep this up. Right now, I'm weak and malnourished.

Where am I going? And what will I do? I know that it's my life and I can do whatever I want with it. I can be whoever I want to be. And I can achieve almost anything I put my mind to. Which is true for everyone in this world. But it all depends on what I use my time on.

Someone once said, "Anything is possible." And I know that with God all things are possible for him who believes.

But i keep on thinking on the failures of my life and wonder if I did something wrong there. Did I not rely on God or did I not pray enough? I know that failures aren't always a bad thing, but if they bring us closer to God, then that's all that matters. You can't succeed all the time, but you must try to succeed. And failure is part of that in that you will fail from time to time, but you can't succeed unless you take a risk of failure. Someone once said that it is better to try to achieve a lofty goal and fail rather than take the easy route and succeed without much effort.

Lofty goals must be met with skill or building new skills. Time is important. And there's so little in each of our lives. First and foremost must be God and putting Him first in our time and finances. However, I wonder exactly how things will be.

I wonder exactly why I'm even here. Guess that's for me to decide.

WoW taken to another level...

What is this world coming to... article found here.

I know that times are rough for a lot of people, but it seems like this tactic done by a mother and her two sons took it to a new level.

Microsoft is sueing the party i mentioned above for making a program that would click on the other gold farmer's sites and cause them to pay 5 cents per click. While that may not seem like much, the program clicked it so much that it drove the competitors out of business. The lawsuit is for $750,000.

Lately it seems like I've been becoming more sarcastic and maybe a little more angry. Maybe it's old age and not spending enough time with God, and some things that come up now and then, but it just seems like I'm just not enjoying life at all.

I feel that life should be work and that man was made to work, but shouldn't life be fun some of the time? Maybe I need to change some things in my life and find other activities to do instead of World of Warcraft and other time sinks. World of Warcraft does feel like a job in itself as I'm always trying to earn gold to buy better gear and grinding levels for my other characters on the game. Heck, one of the ways you earn gold in the game is through your professions ingame.

Anyway whatever it is, I feel that I need to take some time off from work and relax a little bit. But as of right now, I need to stay working to keep earning money. I guess a couple of days wouldn't hurt...And I guess if i were to take some time off, I would be spending it playing video games.

I know that God has plans for all of us, but sometimes I feel that His plans don't always come through. Could be because we're not praying, listening to God, even reading His word and following Him the best we can.

I see my friends making steps to follow God closely and here I am wasting my life in this fake world. I was talking with one of my friends on the way home and I mentioned something about this guy at work and this video game and that there are real people in this world that he could talk to instead of playing this game. But sadly enough, I'm no different...

Anyway, looking around I can see greater things that I could do with my life if I followed God...but it always seems like I choose me over God. I guess Paul in his letter was right when he said that he "dies daily." Meaning that he chose God over his own will each day. I guess I need to get the right perspective in my daily walk and not so much look at what I can gain in this world, but how God can work through me to impact someone else.

Just thinking about that makes me feel even more tired. I guess if I start doing what I did before in college ministry, things will get better. I wonder what it is that God is leading me towards, but I know that God has great plans for all of us. It's a question of whether or not we follow Him.

Something that I wasn't even planning on going to

I went to the JEMS Career retreat this past weekend. Last year I couldn't go because I had to take care of the dog during that time and they didn't want people leaving the camp, so that was a no. But this year, even though I had to take care of the dog, I was allowed to go to and from camp.

The theme this year was about putting God's kingdom first in our lives and stuff related to career age people. What struck me this year was in relation to how I'm seeking God and where I'm at with my relationship with God, I found that I am pretty weak. I am not seeking God, I'm living for myself. And I'm not using what I have to glorify God.

One point that he also brought up to us was that this world will tell you that you need to do this and that in your career, but what is really important is not so much how well off you are or how good you are at your job, but seeking what God wants to do with your life.

A good quote that I took from it was, "A person who God can most use is not someone who asks God to do something according to the person's will, but finding God's will and changing their life to fit into what God tells you." That is a scary thing for me, because I found that God can ask some pretty big things. But someone told me that God will not ask you something that you cannot do with Him.

The speaker told us to go out and try to do God's will. You will fail and fail and fail, but keep trying and keep on growing. The point was not to always be successful, but to at least try to Glorify God in what you do.

Another good point he brought up was that you cannot fulfill God's will by staying in your own family and staying inside the walls of the church building. You need to go out into the world and try to find out what is God's will. I was thinking to myself, "how the heck do you do that?" And I found that there are many opportunities if I keep my eyes open. Feeding the homeless is one thing that I could get involved in and just conversations with people that I meet.

Another point that he brought up was that we are to bring before God some plan to Him if we plan on doing something. We are to try to do something for His kingdom.

He also said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. But he gave the illustration that if we take a step that not in God's direction and we keep on taking those steps, it's going to take a lot more work to get to where God wants me to be. It may only be a little off, but over a period of 20 years or so, that's a long way off.

Worship was good. It was a lot of the songs that I heard in college. The worship group looked younger than me. But I wonder if they felt that those were the songs that God was calling them to play.

Anyway, I realize how far off I am right now. I don't know how to get my life back in order except by doing the basics, which is to pray, read the bible, listen for God, and try to take some steps in doing what I think God wants me to do. I figure if I stick to those basics first, then I'll be able to get back to more advanced stuff later.

Anyway, I left my parents house a mess because I wasn't planning on going to the retreat and cleaning up this past weekend. When I went to the retreat, I cleaned up as much as I could, but the place was messy and my mom was upset. I lost it when she came up to me when I got home and pointed out all of this stuff.

I apologized later for yelling at her, but I just see that I have a lot of work to do in my spiritual life and regular life. It always seems like your family brings out the real you, the you that cannot hide behind a mask, because they know you.

I'm wondering where God is going to take me in my walk from now. I have lots of catchup to do to get back onto the narrow path. I feel that God brought me to the camp for a reason. I have been living my life for myself and not for God.

Another thing the speaker said about humility was that humility is not thinking less or yourself, meaning putting yourself down. It meant thinking of yourself less and thinking more about God and others. I hope that someday I can be humble and not think of myself all the time and think of God and other people more. But that will take a long time.

Palm Sunday

I didn't make it to church by the way. But I did make it to the puppet practice. We're doing a puppet play for Easter, so I have to be there at 9am on Saturday and Sunday. I haven't made it to church in about 4 months...

I guess it takes discipline to make it there on time and that's something that I've been lacking lately. I can't seem to force myself to just go to sleep at a reasonable time.

Anyway, our volleyball team won it's first match today. Even though we didn't win the game, it was a victory for our team.

For me though, I didn't get much sleep the previous night, so I wasn't feeling too good. All throughout the game, people kept on asking me if I was alright. One person said that I even looked green. How is that possible? Anyway, we play to have fun and that's the main reason why we are in this league.

I was getting frustrated this season at little things, because we couldn't win. Usually I don't care about these things, but for some reason, i feel that I've been changing this past year into a shallower person. That I cared more about winning than about people getting better and becoming better players and having fun. Even though my team was in it for the fun and ministry, I probably should have had my attitude changed before going into this season. So it was my fault for having the wrong attitude.

I know that God loves all people and that He wants us to be in community and love each other as He would love us. But I feel that the more and more I'm out of church, the more I'm kind of "drifting", as one person put it, out of God's love for other people.

It's the anxiety of going to church that seems to get to me. And I know that I would get over it if I went to church continually, but for some reason, I want to spend my Saturdays doing stuff that I want to do and my Sundays too. Maybe I need a schedule. Learn it, live it, love it.

Okay, so maybe I was a little upset in the last post. I know that my time in Japan was a hard experience, and I tend to put things together with my time there. Most of the time, it's the reminders of things that come to mind when at church. But then that's no excuse for not going.

Anyway, what I said may not be true about the church I used to go to, but definitely that's how I feel and that could be why I haven't been going. I keep on telling myself that if I went and got plugged back in, that I would feel comfortable again.

Anyway, I guess this won't be solved anytime soon. And I don't plan on going to another church.

What has happened in the past two years?

I remember that it was about this time in Japan when I was teaching at a school that I was saying my goodbyes and preparing to leave Japan to come back to the States. I had mixed feelings about Japan. I was bothered by the fact that people did not come talk to me personally when they had a problem with my teaching style or that they felt like they were my assistant and not the main teacher in the classroom when I was teaching. On the other hand, there were some people who I thought were really great people that I met.

I wasn't prepared to leave Japan with these bad feelings in my mind, but on the other hand, I didn't want to have to deal with these negative comments coming in that I couldn't help at all. So even though I was offered a second chance, I didn't take it.

I still have these bad feelings inside of me today, like I'm some sort of failure, because I couldn't get things right in Japan. I still haven't recovered from them. It makes me wonder why I even went there in the first place.

constantly I'm reminded of something that happened there. Even when it's not related to anything with Japan.

Anyway, I felt rejected and thrown away from the people that I had come to know for the 7 months that I stayed there. it wasn't everyone, but a lot of people.

Maybe I needed more time to get adjusted to things in the states, but over the past two years, I haven't been to church for awhile. I don't know why I don't go to church, only the fact that I'd rather be spending time by myself rather than with people. I spend time with people for 5 days a week, and on sundays I have volleyball, so that makes 6 times a week. I don't need to be reminded of how I'm not welcome, or not wanted at church. It makes me feel that sometimes things would be better off without me there. And frankly, the one time I visited church, things seemed to be just fine without me.

I'd rather not be here or there or anywhere.

I guess it's a choice to go to church and a choice to worship God. People go to church to worship God. To be in a community of love and hope and to spur one another onto love and good deeds. But when I go, I'm often reminded of how I just don't fit in anywhere. How "different" I am from the normal people of the world.

I guess I will never be normal. And the world will not change for me. The only thing for me to do is to give my concerns to God and to let Him heal things for me inside of me.

He got thrown out for using sei-oi-nage (pun intended.)

sei-oi-nage is a name for a shoulder throw in Judo. nage means throw. check out the clip on this yahoo march madness page found here.

I think that the people at that mail supply chain do not like me at all. It bothered me today. I kept on thinking about the bad looks that they gave me. But as I was thinking in the evening tonight, it really doesn't matter what they think about me. I'll just have to endure their rudeness 3 times a week.

I can't help what other people think about me. I can only help what I think about myself. I do care what people think about me, but in the long run, it doesn't matter and if people think poorly of me, then I don't have to care what they think. Why should I put so much stock into someone who doesn't even know who I am? Not to sound arrogant, but everyone in this world is great in their own way in God's eyes.

Which brings me to my next point. Even though they may treat me poorly, I won't be treating them poorly. I'll still be my polite self and regardless of whether or not they accept me, I'll move on with the rest of my day.

It seems like since I haven't been going to church and I haven't been spending that much time with God, I forgot just how much better it is to try to please God rather than men. Why do I care so much about what other people think when it won't matter in the future? What matters is God in everything.

I have to come to accept that I will never be accepted into many people's lives. I just don't know how to communicate well with speaking to others. And as much as I would like to be part of people's lives, or liked by them, it won't happen all the time. I guess that's true for a lot of people...that there are some people that we can't reach.

I know that God loves all people. And he cares for the people at that mail store. But I will never be able to really like them all that much because of how things are going. I guess just be polite and don't sweat what they throw at me. People aren't perfect and I have to accept them as they are.

Anyway, I guess I shouldn't worry too much about this mail store thing. Why should I? Why should I even care? Why do I want total strangers to like me? I guess our perceptions are skewed in the eyes of those around us. But while we cannot help what other people will think of us, we should be thankful that the God who created us loves us regardless of anything people think or say about us. And that is why I followed him so long ago. And I should make Him my first priority in my life rather than focusing on the here and now.

Life on earth is so short. Why waste it on these small things? Maybe I should focus on what God thinks and what He cares about rather than what I could get out of life. We'll see. I have decisions to make.

EMO PEOPLE REALLY PISS ME OFF!

The past seems like something that i've been haunted by. I have a good memory and I can't seem to forget things that I've done wrong. I keep on remembering things from when I was a kid, to college, to even my time in Japan. I can't seem to learn from my mistakes and move on.

Something one of my friends told me today was that I need to live in the now and forget what is behind and strain forward to what is ahead.

I wonder if I'll ever come to a resolution and make peace. I guess recent events have stirred up these old memories inside of me.

I took over a certain job from one guy who left our company. I wasn't expecting it to be too tough. Just pick up the mail 3 times a week and give it to the right people in the company.

The lady at the UPS store scolded me the first time I met her. She basically said, "YOU NEED TO COME IN AFTER 11:30! WE NEED YOU TO COME IN AFTER 11:30 SO WE CAN GET THE REST OF THE STUFF THAT'S SUPPOSED TO COME IN TODAY TO YOU." Then she added, "only if it works for you."

I don't react well to highly emotional people. In fact, that really pissed me off even though she was just trying to get me to do what she wanted me to do, which was come in at a later time. The problem is that I'm supposed to be at work at 10am.

I guess I could come in later, but it doesn't help me to get less hours in this economy and to look like a slacker when I'm supposed to lead the group. I was trying to clean up my act last week by coming in at 10am and then I get this.

I was thinking that I can't please everyone, but this still irks me. And yesterday she said that I need to come in on Friday and she just wouldn't let me get a word in. That pissed me off even more. Forget it. I'm doing what I originally planned which was come in Monday, Thursday and Friday. Only late Monday, early Thursday, and late Friday. That should be fine. If she gives me guff again, I'll just straight out tell her, "it doesn't work with my schedule."

Man, things like this really make me not want to take up this mail thing. Maybe it's time I try to gain other skills so I won't have to do this job anymore. I think that if I'm not improving, then i'm sinking, because everyone else will be gaining more skills than me in their off time.

Time to wake up early tomorrow and kick some butt at the job! I know that I can do this, and it's only IF I'm willing to do this.

Forget what is behind and strain forward to what is ahead. I know that it's going to take the right words and the right attitude to deal with this mail situation. Getting angry never really helped...except in certain times. But yeah, anger doesn't always help.

It's always strange how I remember a lot of times where I had a similar feeling when one feeling comes up. Is this normal? Anyway, if you saw me these past two days, and I didn't look so good, this is one reason why. Maybe I'm too sensitive. got to sleep

Well, it's now 2009. Seems like a lot has changed since I was in college. But then again, a lot hasn't changed. I guess I need to take things one step at a time.