Okay, so I went to church today...finally. My friend called me up because I told him that i probably wouldn't make it to church the next day. So he told me that he'd call me up so that I'd wake up. I'm lucky to have friends who are concerned with my spiritual health.

Anyway, so my bible study has been praying for me to get back to God as well as some of my friends. I guess it's finally starting to pick up. We'll see it if happens next week though.

Anyway, it was good to go to church today. I thought that church was at 10am instead of 9:30, but it was at 9:30, so I arrived late again by 30 minutes. Oh well.

Anyway, I fell asleep during the message again. It wasn't anything that I hadn't heard, but it would have been good if I stayed awake. Since it was mother's day, they gave a message for those who usually don't come to church. I kind of wonder if there was anybody new to the church and just came because it was mother's day. But then I don't know. I was too concerned about myself.

It was a little strange being back, but good to back. I'm always surprised that people are glad to see me. They barely know me and I'm always wondering...why the heck are they greeting me? Usually I'm used to people giving me weird looks....maybe I'm making a weird face or something...but yeah, it was kind of different after being away for 7 months.

I guess one thing that I need to work on is being reliant on God more than getting things done right now...as I have no job. But still, I can't keep on putting off a job. My pastor asked me if I would go back to my old job...and I just might...but it'd take me 5 months to get benefits and I don't want to spend the rest of my life there. I mainly took that job as a temporary job to earn money, but I spent more than a year there before I found my other job that I just left, which was teaching English.

Maybe I'm not motivated or maybe I got it too easy right now. I guess I should keep on looking for a job no matter what. What someone told me was that if you don't have a job, you've got to make your job finding that job and getting that job or some other job.

Anyway, one last thing...I've come to see that I've changed since going to Japan. I have some life lessons that I learned, but I think that I've lost some things in terms of where I used to be. Anyway, one of the main things that I'll take from Japan is that I've seen the majority in America become the minority in Japan and how they felt when they were treated as "others". I basically think that it's good for people to go to another country to experience what life is like there. What I've seen is that the majority will look after itself and even push the minority down. That's not everyone, but it does happen subconsciously. Racism in America is not dead and even in Japan, you'll see some of what it's like to be the "other", even if you're asian. But still, I think that it's easier to blend in for me in Japan since I look Japanese, but it's tougher, because the expectations are so high.

Anyway, why I say that "if people get to know each other as people then this world would be a lot better," is that people aren't so different from each other when it comes down to the main things. People are different from each other even in the same race and different races, but still, we all have something in common with each other. Cultures are different for sure, but I do think that if we try to understand one another, then this world will be better off and we'll be better off. But I guess that will be a long time before that happens.

I guess for me, I still have a long way in trying to reach this ideal. I struggle with friendships and relationships. I thought that I was an understanding person, but I'm seeing that there's still quite a bit that I have to work on. I said some things recently that may have hurt others. Especially when it comes over im. But I think that maybe they'll just be some people that I may never get along with. And from my changes, I hope that I don't drive away my family and friends. I guess I've just got to look at where I'm at and try to move forward from my journey backwards. Or maybe a more adequate explanation is, a journey in a different direction leading to a different door and find my way to the right door.

Anyway, I've got to get going. I'm seeing just how much time I'm spending on blogs and online.

I don't know...

It seems like since i came back, I've noticed that I've changed quite a bit. I've become more irritable, angry and impatient. I remembered back before I left that I was a lot more patient than i am now. I don't know what happened to me.

Anyway, it seems like I'm not treating the people in my life as well as I'd like to. Even those far away.

I can see that not spending time with God in His word, at church, in fellowship, or prayer can have an effect on a person. Oh well...just got to pick up the pieces and start again.

I know that nobody will be perfect...but we should try to become better people. I guess getting my priorities straight everyday will have more of an effect. We'll see if that happens.

The Last Remnant

Apparently for Square-Enix, they showed off this new game to Gamespot and others. They said that they expect it to be the next cornerstone of their gaming franchise. You can find the article here. Or just got to www.gamespot.com and go to PS3 or XBOX360 and look at the main titles showing.

It's still in development, but there is a simultaneous release in the future for the US and Japan. I guess that sucks for localization in game translation. But I think that since Square-enix has their own US branches in LA and Hawaii they can do that without having to hire outside contractors. They just use their own employees. Wow, the translators are going to have quite a bit of work ahead of them. I guess that's to be expected in the game industry.

Anyway, I've always come to expect great things from Square-enix. Even their disappointments are still better than some games out there.

Anyway, Ultimate Jump stars is a really fun game if you're playing other people. Too bad I don't have my guys powered up so my decks really suck right now. I lost to my friend 9 out of 10 times. I have to get my revenge! Well, at least in the arena of Jump Ultimate stars.

Anyway, got to get going. It's getting late.

Man, I spent too much time playing Star Wars Epic Duels last night. I think that a lot of good board games take a long time to play. Man, someone has to make an online version of that game somehow or sometime. Hopefully Hasbro or Milton Bradley will do that. But it's doubtful. My friend just immed me an online board game link. I think that I'm going to try it out. I'll ask my friends if they want to play it also. But knowing how little time we all have, it might be doubtful. Settlers though...someone did make an online version of that game. I think Microsoft did.

On NPR today, I heard a report that said Bill Gates promoted internet TV and that it will be more common than regular TV. I wouldn't doubt that. I'd say that it's a really good idea considering how people can just click and watch a program when they want to instead of having to watch it at a certain time on their HDTV. It won't destroy regular TV, but it will be another option. Anyway, if the internet ad companies can get their software really good, then I think that it'll be a big money making business for TV companies. But who knows...it might flop...but I'm doubting it knowing how many people watch stuff on their computers nowadays.

If TV companies can find a way to make cheap downloads for everyone, or even free downloads for everyone with ads somehow in there, then I'd say that it'd be a smash hit until piraters figure out how to beat the system.

Anyway, it might not be too weird for people to have only internet connections and no cable TV sometime in the future. I doubt that TV will go away anytime soon. There's just so many people who do channel surfing and hear about other shows from TV commercials.

Anyway, the report was only around 10 to 15 seconds, so it's not big news. But, in 3-4 years, it could be the next wave. heh. Man, I'm so behind the times nowadays. I've been spending too much time doing other stuff like surfing ebay and looking for a job. Oh well...maybe I should apply at Costco. heh. It might be better than just wasting my time. At least, I'd have something to do. Oh well. No promises that I'd get that job.

Anyway, i've wasted enough time right now.

Job?

My dad went to Costco today. He said that there's lots of strange people working there and that it'd be easy for me to get a job there. hehe. Hmm...I don't think that he meant that I am strange, but he said that I should apply there because it doesn't seem like their standards are very high. heh. All I know is that it's hard to get a job at Costco. Mainly because everyone wants a job there. You can advance to a good position in that company, but you'll mostly be working in the store warehouse.

One thing that I know with any job is that if you want to move up, you need experience or an education in what the position will require you to know. But sometimes, you can move up the ranks and become something else without any experience. I guess that's why internships are regarded as something valuable.

Oh well...I guess I should look again for freelance jobs.

Okay, I have 3 hours to kill. I should study Japanese. Hmm...

Can you do this?

Dude, my friend told me about this show on the channel G4, which our area doesn't get, but it is pretty crazy. Anyway, there's a spot on Youtube that has the 2nd man to complete this course. In the description, it says that he's a 34 year old fisherman. Anyway, you can find the link here.

The show is called Ninja Warrior. Who says Asian guys are nerdy?

Sunday action

Well for me, it didn't start until 5pm. I woke up late today, so I didn't go to church. One reason why I don't go to church late is that I know that everyone knows that I showed up late for a majority of the times that I went, so I just got tired of that and decided, no, I'm not showing up at all. I guess that's a bad attitude, and maybe I just need to get over it and forgive the church for hurting me, even though they didn't mean it that way. Anyway, it's not like I show up late because I want to. And most people will never understand why. But that's my life. I'm sure that a lot of people will not understand why some other people are the way they are. You can't get into someone else and know what they go through or what they feel. People can understand once in awhile, but nobody knows what goes on inside of another person except God. Anyway, so I didn't show up to church.

Anyway, my friends called me up to see Spiderman 3. Great movie. I won't spoil it for anybody, but just so you know and aren't disappointed, a lot of people didn't like it. It's pretty long. All I knew during the movie was that I shouldn't have drank that bellucino from Tully's before the movie. I kept on trying to hold it in, but I had to leave right after the action ended to go to the bathroom and relieve myself. So I missed the very end. Oh well...I'm going to buy the dvd anyway. Blu ray maybe? I don't know which is going to win...hd or blu ray....but my bet is on blu ray.

One thing that I liked about all 3 spiderman movies was that it showed that we're all human. This last movie showed that even the bad guys are human.

This movie reminded me a lot of my childhood. Spiderman is my favorite all time hero. I can relate the most to Spiderman than any other superhero. He definitely is not perfect and he is a nerd. heh. Anyway, what I liked the most about Spiderman was that he has a sense of right and wrong. Maybe that's what helped me so much during my time in Jr. High and high school. Spiderman...and other cartoons like it. Yes, I watched cartoons in high school. I still watch cartoons now...well, anime. But it seems like anime doesn't have the lessons to be learned as my childhood cartoons did.

Anyway, that's one aspect of children's storywriting as I learned in Creative writing class. It should help a child learn a lesson, or reaffirm their uniqueness and some other things that I learned way long ago that I don't remember. But those two always stand out in my mind.

Anyway, growing up is tough. Anyone can tell you that. Even this world, the outside world is much harsher when you get older. Being a teacher in Japan for a little bit, I was reminded that kids usually don't see how special they are, unless they're told. Or, they might be the opposite and have to talk about themselves all the time because they don't feel special. The roles of teachers and parents is a tough one. Teaching children not only things to help them in their careers, but also teaching them life lessons too. And showing them that they are loved even when this world could care less.

Thanks Spidey. Thanks mom and dad. Thanks friends I met in college. Thanks Shem who first told me that God loved me and literally saved my life. Thank you God for loving me and everyone else first before we loved you.

Anyway, tonight was a trip back into the past that I forgot a long time ago. Well, I never really forgot it, it was just in the back of my mind. It's still a part of me, but I know that I'm a better person because I experienced those things and was brought out of it. I'm luckier than most.

It reminds me that there's a reason for everything. I'm wondering what my purpose here on earth is. And I feel that I may never realise that. Partly because I'm scared to go out and wage war on the heavenly plane, but partly because I've failed so much that I don't want to go out there and fail someone else. Maybe I just need to get over that and do it. Is it better to "never try" as Homer Simpson says? Is it better to aim low? I've never wanted my life to count for nothing, but I kind of wonder if it will stay ineffectual. Anyway, I don't see myself changing anytime soon.

I was thinking a lot about the past tonight. But what can you do when these things come back? Anyway, I was glad to see Spiderman 3. I was glad to eat out with my friends.

I don't know why I thought of all of this recently. I think that I was thinking about these things as I was leaving the house. Anyway, I hope that I can become a better person. I have become better in some sense of my life. But I can improve a lot more. Anyway, I don't need to be thinking of this now.

Anyway, now I remember what triggered it. Oh well...everywhere is about the same in some sense. Just different things for each place, but definitely human biases. I guess I've got to learn how to not take things so personally, especially when they come from strangers that I'll never see again. It's kind of like Japan in some sense, there are some nice people there and there are some people who aren't so nice. In America, there are some nice people here, and there are way more people who are not so nice. Especially if you're different in any way. But I know that that's because people don't know others...it's impossible to know everyone. But maybe that's best as not everyone will get along. I guess in this world that's how things are. The only person different that I've come across is God. Not in humanform, but through His word and through His presence.

Oh well...I guess nothing will ever be perfect until a long time passes and God comes back to earth.

Is it too much to ask for?


I never am able to wake up for church on Sunday. It's the weirdest thing. I wonder if it's because I don't want to go? I don't know. I always wonder why the heck I can't wake up on time. Maybe I should just go late. Even if I miss the message.

It's really bad. I did this all throughout my time in Japan. I would have been better off if I went, even if I went late, but I have this stigma now that people are always expecting me late. Maybe that's because I'm late for a lot of things.

I keep on saying things, and I'm not able to deliver. Am I not serious enough? Am I not responsible enough? Am I not able? I think that it's not too much to ask for to be on time. Just got to be more aware of things.

Anyway, I've not shown up to church for a long time because I just woke up late and didn't want to go late. It's always embarassing to show up late in the sanctuary with everyone watching. Well, maybe not everyone. I know that most people don't care and that they're glad that I did show up, but I just feel like a loser everytime I show up late. I guess the answer is, don't show up late. But that's why I haven't shown up at all. heh.

Anyway, maybe I am loser right now. I have a long way to go, as many people do. I guess we'll never reach our limit of potential until we're too old to actually remember anything. I'm still young right now, even though I feel old. Nope didn't make it to church. Sorry guys. I guess I don't have to be sorry to them, but sorry to myself. But I don't feel too sorry. I just feel stupid. But this problem can go away if I succeed in making it too church on Sunday.

I'm always wondering why I'm here. Why am I here? What purpose do I have in this world? And why the heck can't I find a job? Even though I have a part time job that is not too bad, I need to find a full time job doing something. I guess with no experience in what I want to do, nobody wants to have to put up with showing someone the ropes when they could get someone else who has already done the job in another job. What i'm talking about is document translation. I do have some experience in it, but I can still improve a lot more.

Right now, it's 1am. There is a centenial luncheon tomorrow for my church. Yup, my church has been around for 100 years...kind of crazy that it's survived that long. It all started out with some of the Christians over here having a heart to reach out to the Japanese immigrants in 1907...crazy. I know little of our history, but i do know that it started with the first generation of Japanese and is still going in the fourth generation. Some of the 2nd generation is still at my church, but they're starting to die off from old age.

Anyway, enough about church.

I'm wondering what is ahead of me. I think that I haven't really thought about what God wants for my life lately. Tonight when I got to fellowship, I thought about how distant I've grown towards others. I definitely am not the same as I was before I left to Japan. I've changed in some sense, and I've also seen that I'm less tolerant of crap. One thing that I've also become is more "me" centered as I've lost my focus on God. Tonight when we prayed, that closeness I once felt seemed so....distant and that's why I was thinking about that too in my relationships towards others.

Anyway, it's nothing that people can fix, I've got to just do what I know is good for me. Why is it that it's so easy to surf the net and so hard to spend time with God in His word or pray? I guess it's easy to get distracted and forget about God for the time being.

Anyway, not going to church has a definite effect on things. Man, I just wish that they had it in the afternoon. But then, it'd kind of suck for the evening and the job the next day...if I had one.

I think that better things will come if I relearn to love God again and are obedient to Him not because it'll help me, but because of my love for Him. That should be the reason why we do things...not because it'll help us, but because we care. Maybe I'm a sucker to most people, and even maybe my parents, but I do think that you don't do things to help others because it'll benefit you, but because you want to help them.

However, I've been asked to help out from time to time from people, and I still didn't want to do that, but sometimes I said yes, and sometimes I said no. I do think that I need to get my priorities straight still in this area and other areas.

Limits...that's the key. If you don't know your limits, then you'll be unhappy, or worse, upset. Clint Eastwood was right, "A man's got to know his limits." I think that was in one of the western movies he did. Anyway, my point is, limits are healthy...man...I guess I should follow my own advice. No more buying video games like crazy. heh. Man...that was bad.

Man, I'm kind of tired. It was a long day...but it was good though. I'm kind of nervous about this part time job.

Anyway, I remembered some things that I need to do.

1. Study Japanese today
2. Get my priorities straight
3. do something other than looking at ebay for deals
4. Read and finish the first chapter of Slam Dunk (manga). Sucks that they cancelled the American release of that anime. Oh well...it probably wouldn't have done so well given the fact that it doesn't start out very interesting, but one guy I knew in college loved that story. He even had all the fansubs and manga of it. So I thought, it's probably worth checking out. I saw one episode of it in college. It's basically about a Jr. High school student who knows nothing about basketball, but goes into because a girl he was attracted to asked if he liked basketball. heh. Shallow reason huh? Maybe that's why it didn't do so well here.

Anyway, enough wasting time. It's already 9. Anyway, task two is done for now. I can work on that some more later. Now on to task 1 and 4.

I don't know why, but I fell back asleep after I woke up and walked the dog today. I didn't think that I was that tired...I went to sleep by 12am, but I went back to sleep and woke up at 4pm! Crazy...man, that really sucks as my time for today is now just wasted away. Hmm...maybe all that coffee I drank made me not sleep so well last night.

I've become addicted to coffee. Oh well...

Anyway, one of my friends offered me a job writing up summaries about something. I'm not sure if I'll get paid that much because it's only 5 cents per summarized word, but maybe I can do that. It's better than nothing.

I'm thinking about going back to my old job, but then again, I don't want to die early from unnatural sleep cycles. Ie aging really quickly. I'm not sure what I want to do anymore. Hmm...oh well. We'll see.

One of my friends told me to go back to school and learn a trade. Japanese is one trade, but it's going to take some years for me to get it learned well enough. Programming is another thing that I've been thinking about. I would like to become a programmer, but living that lifestyle is another thing. Would it be just as bad as teaching English? At least I'd be dealing with people who speak the same language as me. So that might be okay, but again, programming is a language also and it'll take some time to learn how to program in the correct way.

I guess I've just got to do it and get it done. I can't keep on dreaming and never putting anything to practice. So many people have dreams to become something great. But many never realise that dream...because they don't go out and make it happen. I'm one of them. I've been talking about this for a long time. One of my friends told me that he's been hearing the same things from me for a number of years and that I should give up and find a job even if it's a little boring. I'm wondering...that might be what I have to do. But definitely I know that I can do better. I do know that it's going to take me getting off my butt and getting work done. I should make a progress chart somewhere on my computer. Yeah, I think I'll do that in excel.

Okay...I've got to go to sleep because I have to wake up early tomorrow. Man, I'm so not tired.

Not much happening. Need to find a job. I think the only way I can get a job in Japanese is to start freelance translating. Not sure if I want to do that right now. But it might be nice to get paid for doing something like that. I definitely need to keep up my Japanese and I've been trying to do that. There's a lot of kanji that I don't remember and a lot that I have yet to learn. I guess I can burn the midnight oil and study during that time since I do my best work at night. Especially since I don't have to wake up early. Hmm...translating might be good for me.

Okay...hmm...have you ever wondered what the wannabes do for a majority of their life? I'm kind of wondering if I'm a wannabe. Not committed to actually putting in the effort to becoming something. Well, if the natural world taught me anything, you need to eat and drink healthy, and exercise to become strong. It's true for anything. And if you don't put it to use, you'll lose what you gained earlier. If you eat and drink junk and don't put what you know to use, then you definitely won't look good at all. Metaphors...gotta love language.

Hmm...I told one of my friends that I'd play against him in Ultimate Jump stars...still need to get my characters evolved. I got creamed by the computer on the deathmatch. That's sad. Anyway, there's a lot of characters in that game. It's going to take awhile to get everything in that. Man, how could a small ds cartridge hold so much info?

Oh well. Anyway, enough babbling. I wonder if I could coin the term, wannabe dreams?

I'm always wondering...why do people review games before they're coming out and other people find them helpful. It baffles me why people listen to ordinary people who probably have no idea what the game is about. The only people who do are the people in development of the game or people who have actually played the game. I don't know, but I think that I'm going to stop wasting my time reading Amazon reviews. Especially ones in Japan that are written 3 months before the game is set to ship. Dragon Quest Swords for the Wii was the one I was talking about.

Anyway, maybe I should go to sleep. I think I'll feel better once I wake up and stop wasting time in front of my computer reading stuff by people who don't have any facts about the game at all.

Another thing that I am disappointed in is that Gamespot came out with a preview of Valhalla Knights and because of that, I went out and bought the game in Japan. Now that they are playing the English version of it, they saw that it wasn't a great game at all. They rated it about a 5.4/10. One weakness about Gamespot is that they don't have anybody who can understand Japanese, so when they go to the Tokyo game shows or play Japanese titles that they have acquired, they have no idea about what the content is about. So, with that said, they can only understand a little bit about the game. What they really need to do is hire someone who can read Japanese and who is a gamer and can write articles in English. I think they had someone before who did that, but don't now. Oh well...I know now not to trust the hype about a game before the people who write the articles actually review the English version of the game. I also think that maybe I should find a different place to read video game articles also. Hmm...

Or, maybe I should stop reading these articles and stop coveting video games that I don't need and beat all the ones that I have before I decide to look into buying other games. However, one thing though that I must say, sometimes if you meet someone whose video game experience you trust in that'd probably be best instead of reading video game reviews. However, in my case, I'm at the age where my friends don't have a lot of time to play video games and I have to rely on my own judgment.

But man, Okami was one awesome hit that I'm glad that I listend to and bought in Japan.

I skipped fellowship tonight. I thought that it was last night, but apparently they sent out another email saying that there are street signs saying that you can't park from 6am to 6pm on the road at my friend's apartment. So I missed out on the DS party. And my friend who has a psp also. But there's always next week. Man, my friend in Japan wants me to play Ultimate Jump stars for the DS. It's better than Jump Super Stars (the first one), but still my characters are nowhere near as powered up as his are and I suck at the game. Hmm...maybe that's some incentive to play it more. Got to beat him at Ultimate Jump stars. Yes, I must baby!

As I'm getting readjusted to the US, I'm finding that my Japanese skills are becoming poor again. It's true that if you don't use it, you lose it. Most of my experience in Japan was speaking and listening in Japanese. I did read some stuff, but if they had English, I just used that instead, because it was easier. Yeah...you would too if you had to find where you needed to go in a hurry. Unless it was more crowded in that area, then I used the Japanese.

Hmm...when I think about Japan, I kind of wonder...I've started to forget what it's like there. It'll probably come back to me if I return, but man, is my memory of how things were so short? I still remember the complaints, general types of classes, how to get to each school, the bottled coffee and just the fact that I never could understand everything that went on at the schools, but what I do remember the most is that the kids, at least most of them, liked me. I always felt like I was never sure if my lessons were making any impact on them. Some schools were tougher than others. Some teachers didn't get along with me...but they didn't say anything. Some students just didn't respect me. But overall, it was a positive experience for the most part. However, I felt like I didn't really belong in Japan.

Maybe if I stayed longer, I could have gotten to know more Japanese or developed deeper relatioships with the teachers and students. But I'd say that it would be pretty hard to do that if I didn't learn anymore Japanese. Anyway, I'm tired right now. Maybe I should go to sleep and stop thinking about the past.

Wow, man, so I have a semi contract job that goes once every other week. I won't get paid much, but at least I'll be working with some of my friends. I need to find a job that will be steady and pays me decently. I'm not sure if my parents will move yet, but I'm kind of worried that they will. I know for sure that I'm going to stay in my hometown, but if i can't, I'll have to go with my parents. I don't know. I don't have a real job and I don't have very many job skills in terms of my education. Only Japanese and I have to work on that more than i have.

Hmm...maybe I can pick up freelance translating jobs. Most of the jobs out there are translating in terms of Japanese. If I get good enough, then maybe a company will hire me full time. I'd definitely like to get into the video game business, but I'm not sure if that would be good for me. The pay will be good, but the time constraints....I'm not sure if I'd be happy working long hours like 14 hours a day. But I'd be willing to do that if it it means doing a good job and getting things done by the deadline.

Man, I need to do something other than play video games. Hmm...maybe I should read Japanese articles online again. Yeah...it will be a good thing to always keep up my Japanese.

I got these books before I left Japan called Brave Story. I heard about it because there's a video game out for both the PS2 and DS in Japan. I think that it's coming to the US also. I like the Japanese voice actors a whole lot better than the US voice actors. I think that expressing things originally written in Japanese is done better by the Japanese voice actors. Most of the time I can't stand the US voice actors. Which is one reason why I bought video games in Japan even if they were going to be released in the US later on. I think however, that I just need to study Japanese everyday and do some work in it while I have no job. I need to pass the Level 2 proficiency test in Japanese. That will help me get jobs later on. Man, my books that I mailed home won't come until at least a month later. I shipped them surface mail...which might have been a mistake. I'm wondering if they'll be wet when I get them.

At my old shipping job, some packages were wet because some of the trailers that were used had cracks in the ceiling. So you'd get some wet packages from the rain. Or, from the docking bay area and the trailer, sometimes water woulld leak through the flap covering the trailer and get packages wet depending on how much rain poured down. But it wasn't serious. The only concern I have though is that puddle on the ground of the trailers do cause some damage to the contents. I'd be really sad if the books I brought with me from the US to Japan got damaged on the way back to the US. But oh well.

It was crazy how much stuff I had in my aparment. I accumulated a lot of stuff living in Japan. Shipping it cost a bundle. But it's better than leaving it there in Japan. I'm glad I did ship it though. I got all my stuff out of the apartment and I didn't have to throw away much. Well, I threw away a lot of trash. That was about it....and some food items and some items I bought that I couldn't bring with me.

Anyway, I'm babbling right now. I should get going while the day is young.

Well, I'm home now. Man, I need to find a job soon. We'll see what happens though. Man, I haven't really blogged since I left Japan. Not much is happening nowadays in my life. School was the most interesting part about my time in Japan. But I'm also glad that I don't have to lesson plan anymore. I never really got to explore Japan. But I'm not much of an explorer anyway.

Anyway, I'm really tired right now. I shouldn't have drank that coffee last night.

I'm sad that I'm leaving, but I made my decision. I think that they'll be different things up ahead of me, but through it all, it will be alright. Teaching English was both fun and frustrating at times. I basically could not communicate that well with the Japanese teachers, but I think that because I used Japanese a little bit, the kids understood a little bit easier.

One thing that I wonder about in teaching is, when we give the kids the answers so easily...does that cause them to be dependent upon the teacher? Does it stop them from thinking for themselves? I tend to think that maybe I've seen too many teachers here give the answer too early and not let the kids think or guess for themselves what it could be. But I've also seen that the kids get really discouraged when they don't get the answer right away. Is it because they've had a lack of learning how to deal with failure?

What I think is one thing that a lot of people need to learn how to do is to learn how to deal with failure when it comes. Not just in Japan, but in a lot of places. In Japan however, you see a lot of people kill themselves because they failed and this society is not very forgiving of failure.

What I think is a part of everyone's life is that they need to learn how to bounce back from defeat and overcome the things that beat us up before. Not saying that you'll get closure in all areas of your life, or tie all loose ends, but definitely life is not perfect and everyone is given struggles. Life is not fair, and God is not fair. If God was fair, and gave us all what we deserve, we'd all be in Hell. I don't understand life, but I deal with it in some ways. However, there was that time when I really was discouraged here and didn't want to go to work. But I still went, because it was my responsibility to teach my lessons...and for the most part, they went okay...I don't remember them being too awfully bad. But definitely it was a struggle and I didn't know how to teach these kids...being an entertainer is kind of tough. heh. That's basically what you are when you're a teacher in Japan, especially an English teacher. heh. You're not there to teach...you're there to make English fun! Well, I guess that is teaching.

anyway, the people here are good people. I guess I tend to think that about a lot of people...even if others may not think so. But yeah, nice people, but they don't know Christ or probably have never really met someone who does. Well, most of them. Japan isn't considered an unreached country, however, it is very very resistant to Christianity. One of my reasons in coming to Japan was that i thought that I could make a difference here. But I saw that I just wasn't faithful here. I didn't go to church. I didn't pray that much. I tried to do this on my own. I wasn't alone though, as people from home were praying for me. But I felt like I have no support here which was my fault, because I could have found it here.

i don't know what will happen, but I think that maybe God did have a purpose for me here. Maybe someday, I'll come back to Japan as a missionary. But the things that I struggled with as a kid, like what other people thought of me, was dispelled as I wasn't thought of as much in Japan. heh. I guess I'm not thought of as much in America, but being in a different culture, I just learned not to care. heh. I guess maybe it was another part of my life that was healed in Japan by God.

When I think about God, I'm always amazed at how good He is. Yet, I feel like I'm just not really living for Him. Anyway, I hope that that will change once I get back home.

I wrote a complaint that I didn't publish, but I remembered that it is written that "Do everything without complaining or arguing so that you may become blameless and pure. Children of God without fault in this sinful generation in which you shine like stars in the universe." Something like that that I remembered from Bible study a long long time ago. Anyway, I don't think that I'm shining like a star...

So what are you going to do?

Not sure...I really should be applying to different jobs...I keep on thinking that I want to do stuff that relates to Japanese, but then when I look at my own life, I see that I get frustrated with the things that I can't understand right now in the language. I guess I need to make sure that I learn something new each day...man...I already mailed all my texts back to America except my manga. I guess I won't know what I'll be doing when I get back...I guess I should make a schedule in terms of my studying...but I wonder if I'll be motivated enough to get going on that. Oh well...

My lot in life...not a bad lot, but one that requires me to depend on God a lot more than i have been doing. Anyway, I don't know what the heck I'm doing here. Or what the heck I will be doing in the future. But I do know that God is good. I went to church again in Tokyo with my friend. I need to make it to my church here in Yamanashi this next Sunday. Man, I don't know what to say. But yeah, definitely hearing a message about LIFE is something that i need to hear more of. I lost my direction these past 7 months. I probably could have made more of an impact here, but I think that I need to go home.

I don't know what will happen to the people here, but I hope that the person after me will be a good person at least and will be a Christian. I guess I should pray more. Anyway, don't know what else to say. There is a need, but I think that I need to rest. I don't know what to say, but I wasn't planning to stay in Japan for more than 2 years. I stayed here less than a year. I don't know...I don't know why I'm here. I guess I'll never know until much later.

Anyway, I'm going to miss Japan. I'm going to be a fish out of water again when I return. I know that I'm going to be a little abrasive when I come back. heh.

Okay, I think that I need to stop the madness. I don't know how the heck I'm going to be able to read all of these games if I don't start studying Japanese and put down the video games. heh. I thought playing video games in Japanese would help, but it just creates more confusion for me. I think the key is to study Japanese, so that I'll be able to read what they're saying. heh...

I haven't been doing much lately. Only staying in my apartment. I wonder if I should travel around Japan for a little while. But I know that I wouldn't do that. heh.

To get to Osaka from my place, it cost $200 roundtrip. I was lucky that I got to go there at all. Anyway, my days haven't been filled with too much. I've been mainly just going to work, coming home and doing nothing but surf the net. Sometimes I write on my blog or check Fantasy sports.

Today, I talked to one of my friends online. He asked me if i gave up anything for Lent. I knew that it was the Lent season, but I didn't give up anything. I wonder what I could give up...Internet shopping? That might be tougher than I thought. I'll talk it over with one of my other friends. That might save the remaining time I have here in Japan as I spent most of my time surfing amazon or yamada denki. Freaking Yamada denki is the slowest website ever. I guess it gets a lot of hits from electronic crazy shoppers. heh. I don't even know when Easter is...hmm...

Oh well...I just looked it up and it's April 8th. That would be a long time to go without internet shopping, but maybe I should give up video game shopping totally and not internet shopping. I don't know...I should talk it over with G-sak if he thinks that this is a good thing. GC what do you think? email me if you read this.

Man, I've got to do something with my time here. Maybe i'll watch Bleach on the internet. Man, I love that anime. I should read the manga too as I don't catch all that they say.

Anyway...notice the new made up word in the label.

Hmm...maybe I should stop the madness. But I can't!!!

Anyway, I was talking to a friend tonight about how many video games I bought here in Japan. I told him, give me two minutes to count.

I counted 60. that's sick. I calculated all of that up, and that was about more than one months work of pay. I guess I see where my priorities lie. Video games, rent, food, electricity, water, and hopefully God comes into play somewhere.

I honestly must say that I haven't been to church in about 4 months. Ever since November...Anyway, I think that I've been really stressed with this teaching job. Now that it's ending, I'm finding that I'm able to wake up a little bit easier on the weekends. Which could explain why I bought so many video games these past 6 months. 10 video games a month does seem like quite a bit. Well, it wasn't 10 video games a month...it was more like, 3-6 and in the past 5 days, around 15. Hey, I'm not expecting to get these again for awhile. Hmm...oh well...I guess I should be more careful with my money. But man, I do have a weakness when it comes to spending money. Hmm...that's not a good thing. oh well...maybe I can sell these once I get back. Anyway, I'm hoping that I'll be able to find a job somewhere when I get back soon.

Hmm...I'm not sure what I'm going to do when I come back. But I think that my future will involve video games. heh. Maybe I can do that as a job sometime. Hire me as a video game tester!!! I guess I need programming experience. More school for me.

I'm wondering what I'll be doing as a job when i come home. I wasn't offered another year, so I'll be coming home in April for sure. Maybe I can beat these games that I bought and then sell them. heh.

Anyway, I think that I need to stop the madness and stop buying so much. I'm going to be on a very limited income soon.

I'm wondering why the heck I'm spending so much lately. I probably was spending this much in my past 6 months here. It's crazy...a one hundred yen coin is $1 in the US. Usually I think of coins as something like quarters...so I guess I should be a lot more careful when I go shopping. The smallest bills here are 1000 yen bills which is the equivalent of a $10 bill. I think that maybe I'm just too spendy with my money. It's freaking bad. I might be out on the streets someday if I'm not careful.

Anyway, keeping track does not seem to help me. I think I need to make a reasonable limit for myself each day. An allowance of how much I can spend on entertainment, an allowance on food and coffee, and an allowance on my bills. Not saying that I'm going to not pay my bills, but what I'm saying is I need to limit how much water I use, meaning not running the shower constantly when I'm showering. That's one of my favorite things to do is to warm up by taking a hot shower. It's still kind of cold here.

Anyway, I see that I need to really watch what I buy at the grocery store, as that is 2nd in terms of my spending. Okay, budget...$20 a day...30 days...$600 to spend on bills and food and entertainment. The rest needs to be saved. Hmm...that's not much I'm saving if you count rent...hmm...maybe I need to limit myself to just paying the bills and limit myself to $100 a month on groceries, eating out, and video games. Hmm...that's pretty tight. I'm wondering if I should count transportation...maybe not. That's a necessary given if you're taking the train. I never take taxis...too expensive.

Anyway, okay, $100 a month divided by 30 is 3 dollars a day. hmm...I'm not sure if that's possible. Oh well...I should probably try to limit the coffee or at least fast coffee...man, I can't stay awake then...oh well...I need to think about this some other time.

I just realized after reading my blog that I tend to spend way too much, even when I don't intend to. Bad habits die hard. Oh well...I wanted to make sure that I got this ps2 before they stopped selling them again. For some reason, it seems like PS2s are still hot in Japan. I guess that's true after the PS3 is not able to play all the ps2 games and psone games while the ps2s are able to. It looks like the PS2 won't go away that easily. And I was expecting it to go way down in price. Oh well.

PS2 baby!!! I bought the slim silver edition! oh yeah. Sexy, sleek, and silver!!! I waited a full year before I bought it again.

The previous year, I bought it on Ebay. But for some reason, the guy selling it didn't send it to me. Anyway, I guess it all works out because I got it at the cheaper price now instead of paying a heck of a lot of money for the system and shipping. I guess I could sell it on Ebay, but then I think...not too many people have that much money to spend on foreign PS2s.

Anyway, I'm expecting to not get another year at my company, so I figure I might as well try to test some of these used games out. If I don't like them, then I could always sell them. I still have to buy a couple games for my friends who sent me a care package. I'm low on money because of all the freaking video games that I bought. I should sell these games. I might be able to make a couple dollars here and there.

Oh by the way, Valhalla Knights is a pretty interesting game so far. One thing however is that there's only one dungeon right now that I can explore. It has different areas, but it's kind of annoying that you can't explore other places yet. For some reason, I think that once I get to the boss in the dungeon I might be able to leave town. The gates are closed and the only place you can go to is further in towards the castle and in the dungeon. For some reason, the dungeon leads to the sewers, a mine, forest, then it leads to another underground castle, which is the furthest I've gotten, because my guys are pretty weak. I'm expecting greater things from this game, so we'll see if it meets my expectations. But still, I've got to get my lessons done before Saturday so that one of my friends will buy me a game. He's a good friend. But man, he really doesn't have to do that, but if he's offering, then I'm going to take advantage of that. heh. Most likely however, I won' t be able to finish by this Saturday. Oh well.

I'm probably not going to go exploring here in Japan. Maybe I should, but I think that maybe I should save my money while I can. I could experience more, but I kind of wonder if I should be thinking of my future. Anyway, no more buying electronics this month. Wait until march when I hear back from my company. Probably they won't tell me until the last minute...oh well. I'm not expecting them to give me another year. I was expecting that another year wouldn't come for awhile.

Oh well...maybe I should buy a PS3 here. heh.

Okay, I'm talking nonsense right now. I think that I should try to find what it is I want to do with my life. Lately, I've been thinking...."Does the Lord me so little to me?" I mean, I haven't been praying all that much and I haven't been doing what I should be. But what else is new? I haven't been doing what I should be for the past year and 6 months. Oh well...maybe now is a good time to start. Put down the computer and do something that is going to make some difference in my life. Yeah, the first step is always the hardest. Then continuing after that first step is a challenge. But I don't want to live as someone who has climbed up the wrong ladder. Or entered through the wrong gate and went somewhere else that is not as good as I could have gone to if I had been walking on the right path.

Anyway, the right path...means more than just reading or praying, but actually becoming and being, and doing. But more emphasis to me on the becoming. Being is what I am now, but becoming is a goal that I need to reach. I guess life is not about goals, but definitely I need to have a new marker in my life. The last one was in 2000. It's 2007 now.

oh yeah, I need to stop buying video games. Unless they're cheap, then maybe I can sell them. But yeah, I'm seeing that domestic games don't sell for very much in the country of origin. I think that the reason being that video game companies don't like other games being sent out of the country, because they can be bought at a lower price in the country of origin than other countries. Lik-sang, a import/export company got destroyed by Sony for sending Japan PSPs and PS2s to the UK. I think that they have the same region code. It's also cheaper to buy things in Japan and online than it is to buy it in the UK. So they have banned selling stuff to those banned regions for importers.

Anyway, I need to stop buying so many games that I want to play and start playing the games that I have now and beating them before I buy new games. But we'll see. I'm thinking that I won't get another year here, so I might as well buy games that I can't get in the states.

One of my friends told me that in everything, I need to make good decisions with my life. Video games and money is just one aspect of that. I need to grow up in my decision making process. For example, instead of staying up late, go to early. (that's not going to happen) Or, get your lessons done a week ahead of time instead of leaving them till the day before. Or be prepared when you go in to do something and not caught off guard. He told me that I don't have to give up my childhood, but I do have to make some good decisions.

I see what he's saying, because it's so easy for someone to be living on the streets, because of bad decisions or bad luck. But mainly, I think that unwise decisions lead to worse circumstances. So I need to take care of that.

Anyway, I should be more careful with my money. It's crazy how many video games are coming out here in Japan every month. I can't keep up with them. I kind of wish that the original Japanese language games would be in the states also. But I find that there's no import shops near my house in the states. Plus some of those import shops rip you off. Oh well. I know of some good sellers on Ebay. Definitely I can see why they stay in business. But I think that it's sometimes ridiculous how cheap some of their games are. I mean, don't your seller fees cost more than what you're selling the game at or what it sold at? I don't know...maybe they're just trying to win more customers. Definitely I love that shop on ebay. I'm not the only one though. It's crazy how much time it takes to list something and get it ready to ship.

I'm thinking...about some things. Maybe I should postpone that until tomorrow. heh

One thing about Ebay is that smart Ebayers bid on an item at the very last possible second if they want to save money. Ebay encourages you to make a small starting price to get people to get the first bid. I don't know why the heck it works, but apparently people need to learn some self control. Anyway, most people probably have some self control. But yeah, I know that for these games that I'm selling, most people don't know about them now, because one just came out in Japan, and the others are not well known names. Anyway, I like to buy stuff from sellers on Ebay because 1. they do put stuff out at a low price. The only problem is shipping.

Anyway, there are some awesome sellers on Ebay as well as many crappy ones. But yeah, the awesome ones will get my business.

Anyway, it's not a good thing to buy stuff at high prices that you could get elsewhere. But I do like ebay because sometimes it's the only place that you can get stuff.

Anyway, I probably could get in trouble if I sell a whole bunch of new stuff outside of Japan. The games usually say, "For Japan only." I don't know why. Anyway, it's nice to play games in a different language if it's the original language. I still have yet to understand them though. But we'll see. I just hope that I'm not wasting my time by playing these games. Maybe I need to write the vocab down.

I made it almost through the whole week. Now I just have to plan for next week. Thank God that things are not as bad as they seem. If you can hold on for one more day, then definitely things will get better. Maybe not immediately, but definitely later on in life. Making good choices with one's life is one way to improve too.

Without God, I don't know where I'd be. But luckily someone shared God with me when I didn't know Him. Anyway, I'm just lucky that I didn't get pulled into a cult, or else, I might have gone the other way. Well...thank you Lord.

I can't believe how much I spent in a month. I bought more than I thought that I did this month. Man, I spent my whole paycheck! I know because this is the first month that I kept track of how much I spent from the receipts and wrote it down on excel. Crazy.

Man, I'm terrible with money. When i think about other more important things, I realize that I haven't been thinking of them at all. Missionary friends, or saving up for future education, or even if I meet that special someone somewhere...No idea if I'm ready for that though, so I probably shouldn't look.

Anyway, this week, how i've changed my habits is that I tried not to visit the store to buy food. It's not like I'm starving myself, but yeah, I have so much food in my apartment already. Instant curry, instant ramen, Miso base, and a heck of lot of junk food. hehe. Really, I'm trying to only go to the market when I need to buy meat, cheese, and coffee. I'm thinking that I'm not going to stay another year so i'm trying to get rid of all the food in my pantry before I have to move and throw stuff away. But I still have to think about it some more.

Anyway, lets put it this way. There have been some great people here, but then again, there are a lot of people who probably don't like my lessons, including the kids, and may not think much of me as a person. While I try not to care about things like that, I'm thinking...maybe they'd be better off with someone else. Maybe I too would be better off somewhere else.

I can't expect to be a great teacher in 7 months. I can't expect to teach great lessons every time, but, when I'm running out of material, then i'm thinking...maybe it's time for me to come back home.

Anyway, my feelings were hurt for the past two to three weeks. I'm not sure if I want to stay in this area. I do know however, that I won't see the impact of my life here while i'm here. I'm just not strong enough in God to do so. I guess time is the key. What God can do in each person's life. It's pretty crazy here. It reminds of how China was back in the 1800s to 1900s when the foreigners were coming with the Word of God. I don't know much history, but I do know that because the British were oppressing the Chinese, that a lot of Chinese had trouble believing in what the Christians brought with them. Some even believed that missionaries who adopted Chinese babies only adopted them to eat their eyes. Some crazy stuff like that, because what can you expect when people who are oppressing you have people come and try to do stuff with you?

Anyway, i'm not saying that all the missionaries were good. Some probably were more righteous than others, but definitely being a missionary back then was serious stuff as you probably would die in the land that you went to to preach the gospel for the kingdom of God.

I don't know what to say anymore. I am not a good witness here. I failed many times. I hurt some people's feelings. I caused some people to see me and most likely others after me in a negative view. But maybe that's it...I just haven't been doing what I should be.

Anyway, there were no opportunities to share. Maybe I wasn't looking for them. Maybe it would cast a bad light on other Christians if I did. Anyway, that's me in a nutshell. I've always tried to achieve greater things, but I've always fallen short. It's like running a great race and not being prepared for it. You run hard, but then you get too fatigued to continue. I guess I need to train better and not slack off everyday. Okay, I'm in no shape to do this right now. Maybe I should come home.

Anyway, I haven't fully decided, but I'm leaning more towards coming home. I don't have a reason to stay in terms of my teaching. Some kids like me and some kids hate me. I think the reason is that I just will never be what people expect of me. Or since I came in the middle of the school year, that some kids liked the other teacher better. He was a great teacher I heard. Hard for me to follow in his shoes. But yeah, it just seems like I was destined for failure ever since training. Oh well, it's probably not my fault. And I can't help it if I don't meet their expectations.

Anyway, given the amount of complaints that I've received, I'm not receiving too much love from the teacher's side either. Anyway, for my personal health, I think that I should return. heh

anyway, I should try to save money in the time I have left, because I don't know when I'll have a job. I guess I could always go back to my old job. But I'm thinking...maybe I should try to utilize my time in Japan right now and try to translate some stuff. Heh. Translate...that takes time. Which I don't have. I think that March will come quicker than I will think. I don't know if I'll have another year to stay in Japan. But maybe it won't matter. I don't have a reason to stay here. I haven't taught a good lesson in awhile. If I do decide to stay...I'm thinking that I'd better have a good reason to stay. I'm not too happy at school. As most of the ALTs in my area are feeling the same way.

I think that the clash in culture has something to do with it. I don't know. Maybe it's just this area that I'm in. Kantou region vs. the other regions. Hmm...maybe it might be better to go home. Anyway, I guess I need to depend on God through it all. He's the only one I have to turn to.

Rogue Galaxy

I haven't played it yet, even though I own it here in Japan, I have still yet to buy a PS2 or PS3. The US version is supposed to be version 1.5 of Rogue Galaxy. They listened to the gamer's complaints about the game release in Japan. Some levels were extremely hard, while the next level would be extremely easy. Level 5 (the developer) made new changes to the game for the North American release.

If you're interested in seeing some screen shots, you can find it on the circuitcity website at www.circuitcity.com Or you can find it here

If you want to read more about it, you can find it here on gamespot found here.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I want to buy the US version when I have a copy of the Japanese version, but it might be interesting to see how they improved the game, except for the computer AI of your other characters. Maybe they improved that too. Who knows. Anyway, I've got to get to work.

I think...why is it when you're weakest means that you're strongest? I know that the only reason why that would be true is that you're depending on God instead of yourself. I can't seem to get that down, as I tend to rely on myself. I don't know how to depend on God. And I know from experience that it doesn't mean just letting God do what you're supposed to do. heh. God doesn't do what you're supposed to do. But I guess when I ask, He's there.

I guess I need to be praying more throughout this week. I've been struggling quite a bit in terms of wanting to go to work. I don't want to deal with this job anymore as I've only received complaints and disappointments. I guess if I participated more, then I would feel better, but I am reluctant to go out and take chances again. I'm tired of always disappointing someone. Maybe that's just one thing that I need to learn to live with. I can't please everyone. I can only please myself.

I guess I did do some good lessons now and then. Even this past simple lesson went well for the most part. Even though the head teachers and principals don't see my lessons, I know that at least the kids are understanding this stuff. That's good enough for me.

Oh well...don't give up. Work on being a better person.

I keep on forgetting how good God is. I have to make it to church. Oh well...we'll see. I probably will miss this next week too, unless I go visit G-sak in Tokyo. I don't know what to say. I probably won't be able to get my lesson done. I guess I should do what I said in my other blog. Just do the simpler lessons and just don't try to make something too extravagant. Man, I like making awesome things, but it just seems like I just don't have what it takes right now. Oh well...keep on trying to improve and maybe someday I will be able to.

Yes, someday...what some people hate. Someday may never come. hehe. Maybe they're right. Maybe I need to do it now.

Heh. Anyway, something that I just heard on Steven Curtis Chapman's cd was, the Change. I'm wondering if I need to die daily again. I guess I have work to do. I have not been lately. For about maybe 5 years. hehe. That's quite a bit of time. oh well...never too late to start again. Man, I so don't want to do that. But then again, if I want to make a difference here, I'm going to have to. Man, I really don't want to do this.

To PS3 or Not to PS3?

I am thinking of buying a PS3 while i'm here in Japan. I'm not sure if I should do that given the fact that the money could be better spent elsewhere. But I think that I should at least play the games that I have already.

Anyway, the reason being that I'm not sure if the later editions of the PS3 will be region free or not. Plus I would like a Blu-ray disc player that plays the next gen of DVDs. But we'll see. Probably in 3-5 years, the PS3 will be outdated.

One good piece of good news is that I found that the PS3s will be region free for PS3 games. But not for the PS2 and PSone games. It will not be region free for backward compatability. Also, i found that some games do not work on the PS3. The reason sony says is that some companies didn't follow spefications for their games. Almost all the psone Final Fantasy games have problems on the PS3. anyway, if you're interested in which games are backward compatible for the PS3 you can find the site here.

If you want to read the article on Gamespot about PS3s being region free, but not movie region free, then you can find the article on gamespot here.

If you want to find more info about the PS3 in general, then you can check out an article on wikipedia found here.

Anyway, I could buy it off of www.yesasia.com for about $650 for the Japanese version. But 59980 yen is around $508 US dollars. I keep on wondering...do I really need this? And especially, do I really need this now? And, is it worth it to spend money here when I could spend it elsewhere that could be used for something else more important?

One reason why I am buying a lot of video games now is that I know that many of these games will not make it to the States. But then I think...I probably won't get a chance to play all of these games when I get back to the states if I have no time to play them now. That's just one reality about being an adult. You have to work and it will take up a lot of time if you do a traditional job. Maybe this is a sign that I should do something else that involves playing video games. heh

crazy...

All I can say this is one of the weirdest and funniest interviews that I've seen. Anyway, hopefully Paula gets back on track. You can find the link here.

Man, I'm freaking tired. I keep on falling asleep. i don't know what it is, but I just don't have that much energy anymore. Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old, Yeah, that's probably it. Even though I'm not that old, I'm freaking so tired all the time. Oh well. That's what I get for not getting enough sleep. heh. I'm not a kid anymore. It's kind of funny. I'm told that as you get older, you need less sleep. But I'm finding that I need more. Oh well, I guess everyone's different.

I think that this is the toughest job that I've had to do. This teaching job. I'm working on lessons late at home and falling asleep while I'm working on them. I'm wondering if I should not go for another year. That is if they give me another year.

I don't know what I'd be doing when I get home, but I do know that I can do something...while it may not be Japanese, I can probably do some manual labor type of job again.

Heh, it's funny. There was this guy at the video game store ebgames...I asked him if they had any more of valkyrie profile, for the psp, brand new and not the display model. He checked and found the last copy for me that was in the shrinkwrap.

He asked me if I would like to sign up for a preorder for this new game coming out that is kind of off the wall like valkyrie profile. I told him that I'm going to japan to teach English. He then got excited, because he used to teach English in Japan. He has a great sense of humor and I could tell now that he probably did well in Japan because he is so upbeat and funny.

Anyway, I was thinking...hmm...Japan didn't do very much for you. He's working at a video game store. But now that I think about it, I could be in the same boat. Actually, working at a video game store doesn't seem so bad. But still, I'm thinking that if I want to get anywhere, I need to work on my Japanese. Freelance translating...maybe...still, I'm kind of paranoid about giving my ss number to people that I don't know. Especially if it's freelance and it could be anybody who is trying to take that. Dah, I guess that's how most people get started in translating. Freelance, manga or anime. Manga and anime I mean the fan subs and fan translated versions not the professional ones.

Anyway, I'm not learning how to use Japanese any better here. I only know how to use what I learned from class a little bit better. Also, I can understand what people might be saying for some reason by their body language or tone of voice. I'm not understanding their words most of the time. Maybe this is a sign that I need to go to church. Use Japanese at church, because you won't get a chance to actually speak to people in Japanese that much in your free time. I mean, actually having a conversation with them.

Oh well...maybe I should stop writing about this and actually do something about it. Man, I don't want to. But sometimes you have to do what you don't want to do. Why the heck did I major in Japanese? Maybe I should go back to school.

I look at people of faith who are greater than most people I know. One is a little old lady who has taken great steps of faith throughout her life. I was reminded of her as I was reading Luke 14.

The first shall be last and the last shall be first.

Reading verses 12-14 in Luke chapter 14, it reminds me of her.

Anyway, the city wanted to give her an award for the work that she's been doing and she told them that she didn't want it, because if you are repaid for what you do here, you won't receive it in heaven, she said. But she didn't tell them that. So they said, "it would be an insult to reject the mayor's award." So she took it.

Anyway, I think the best part about serving with her is that she would tell stories of her life and how she saw God work in her life. It was pretty encouraging to hear just what she had been through and how the Lord was faithful to her despite the hardships.

When I got to the latter part of the chapter, I was reminded that I must put the Lord first in my life. It's pretty extreme...doing that. I'm not saying that I could do that, but saying that I should do that. Why? If you knew what God had gotten me through and how He had been faithful to me regardless of my sin, then you would know that I owe Him my life. Giving it to God is the hardest part, because 1, I have things that I want to do. But, as I'm seeing, sometimes God honors what you want to do and can use you there to do His will. Basically, what I want to do can be part of what God wants me to do. But if I'm called into ministry, I'd have to really think about it as I do not think that I could do that right now.

We'll see. I haven't been faithful these past four months. And even before that at my previous job, I wasn't faithful. Despite God saving my life, I have not been a good son to Him.

One of my friends thinks that there are daily things that God does to protect us. That His angels are doing His work to protect us from harm. It's not always happening in my opinion, but I do say that I should have been dead more times than nought. heh. Anyway, it's always something that reminds me that I need to get back to God. It's too easy to forget how good He's been to me.

I'm now back in Japan. Not sure what to write anymore as I haven't written in about 2 weeks. I played a lot of video games back home and maybe I shouldn't because I got sick during that time and am sick right now. I am getting better though.

I can honestly say that going back home was refreshing. It was good to see some old faces and to see that everyone is doing well. It was also good to be among Christians again as I haven't been making it to church out here. In fact, I missed yesterday also. Crap...

Anyway, I slept the whole day yesterday, so I guess it counts for something. Today however, I need to get my planning done and get going on this trimester's work. I only have about 3 months left here, so I should try to make the most of it while I'm here.

Funny how I didn't spend that much time exploring Japan while I was here. Guess not much has changed in that sense of me. I should probably eat at more restaurants here, but I probably will not. Well...maybe I should at least try one restaurant a week.

Man, the food in Japan is good though, but it's kind of pricey sometimes. What's 700 yen here and there.

Video games...

I want to play video games, but I am going to do my work first. At least one part of me is responsible here. heh. However, I was really lucky this past trimester that I didn't get in any worse trouble than I did. But I'm thinking that the company won't hire me again anyway, so it really doesn't matter now does it? I'm joking...really, I am. Anyway, these kids deserve good lessons and a chance to compete in the education world. I could have been screwing them over with my lessons, but I still think that I did an okay job given that I have no previous experience teaching and I had to leave training early to get to the first day of school for that trimester.

What can I say...I've been really lucky so far. I think people's prayers have helped me get through the tough times and also get started on this time in Japan. Now, I just have to finish it. Man, I hope that this is not going to be another repeat of last year. Well, I guess it just depends on me.

Anyway, I've been spending way too much on video games lately. I guess I should limit myself to an allowance on video games. heh. Part of me thinks that I could sell these games, but in reality, I want to play them, that's why I buy them. But who knows...I might not ever get the chance to if I keep on buying games left and right. I guess there's no option but to sell. Okay, stop buying video games...now...

My trip home is coming to an end. I'm also ill right now. Anyway, I'm thinking that I should keep my thoughts about home to myself.

I went to church yesterday. There were some who were glad to see me. Some who were not. I've noticed this even before I left that some people are not cool with me. Yet nobody tells me. it's probably not a big deal as people will not like me all the time. I think sometimes I have too high ideals of what church would be like for me. Maybe they'll never be met. I guess that's one thing. Church is a place for people to worship God. Even though we're not perfect, God does love everyone. Even if the people there aren't perfect, God loves them too. So maybe I just need to forgive and not let things bother me.

A lot of people will never know who I am. Most of my friends know me, but I think for most of the people at church, it's just a Sunday relationship. But then again, I know that people don't think that much of me and probably never will. And I'm cool with that. Why would I want to spend time with people who look down on me?

Anyway, i know that I'm not a normal person. I know that everyone will never be considered "normal" because nobody can set the standard for everyone to follow. But I know that compared to a lot of people out there, I'm a loser. I've come to realize that ever since I came to Japan. But what Japan has taught me is that it doesn't matter. I've known this before I went, but I'm starting to realize it now that I've been to Japan.

Anyway, i know that I'm not perfect. I know that I'll never be perfect. But I do know that regardless of what happens, God will love me and God will continue to love the whole world.

It makes me think about tomorrow. If Jesus were to come back, what would He say to me? Would He be pleased with me? I'm not sure. I'm kind of wondering how many people God would be pleased with? There are many, but it really depends on your relationship with God and how you love those around you.

Anyway, it was good to be back at church. But it was also a painful memory of maybe the damage that I have done here before i left. Who are they to judge? And who am I to judge? I know that even if we part ways, I need to continue to move forward.

I guess that's one thing about God. He forgave us when we nailed Him to the cross. And He forgives us of our sins if we ask. But He also does not want us to have grudges or things against people. He is the God of relationships...something which i don't think will be my forte in life. Oh man...relationships...I guess I've got to keep trying though.

It has felt like Friday for the past two days. I had no class today and no class tomorrow. I don't even know why the heck I'm going to school if I have no class. I don't know what to say anymore...I think that I need a vacation. And I think that I'm cranky.

when I think about things...I know that this world would be craziness if God wasn't here. It is craziness though in a lot of places. But most of the time, we don't turn to God. Many people don't know Him. Anyway, through it all, He's there in the midst of this craziness. I keep on thinking...there's got to be a purpose for each person here. But I wonder if any of us find it. Some do I believe...Anyway, I guess I won't know for sure until much much later. I'm wondering if I'm here in Japan for a reason. Maybe I should stay here longer if I get offered another year. But we'll see. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm thinking that the company might give me a chance for another year. Another year of probation? That sounds kind of lame. Okay, well, time to hit the sack.

Tomorrow...I won't be able to make it to the US for one of my friend's funerals. I don't know what to say...I didn't know him that well, but even though we weren't close, it seemed like I got know him a little bit at the end before I left for Japan.

The last memory I have of him was when we were doing a film for the faith and race class. I remember that somehow I mentioned that I was going on a trip. He seemed interested and asked me where I was going. I think that he was really interested and he seemed happy for me that I got this chance to go to Japan.

When I think about life in general, I think of how much more I could have lived. I could have gotten to know him better or maybe talked to him more when I found out that he had cancer. But I didn't, and I think that just shows my personality. I'm not living...I'm actually not living to my fullest and getting to know people while they're here...while I have a chance.

Anyway, I didn't really know him that well. I’m thinking that I most likely live out the rest of my life ikke this. Not really getting to know people and staying a certain distance from most everyone. Anyway, I know that he's in a better place right now. Reading other people's blogs, I saw that there was more to him than I knew about.

I guess that's true for a lot of people. Well...not sure what else to say...

You only think about yourself...

When I look back on my posts, I see that I am very absent minded. When I see other people's blogs, i see that they are going through much more than me and people they know are going through much more than me.

Frankly I wonder if I really think about things...the importance of some things and how unimportant some other things are.

I wish that I was a better person sometimes.

Well, i don't like to write everything on my blog, but it seems like I write the most unimportant stuff that's going on. Okay, do what you got to do.

Yes, I just drank one liter of coffee. heh. Man, no wonder I'm so tired all the time. heh. And it's 10:30pm.

oh man...Well, at least I just have to plan tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be able to stay awake.

Only one and a half weeks to go. Then I'm flying home. yay! I'm looking forward to staying up late and playing video games with my family. I'm also looking forward to seeing my dog. He's getting older, so he might pass away soon. It might be the last time I see him if I don't return in April.

I'm also looking forward to being able to sleep in and also to being able to sleep in a bed instead of a futon. My futon is flat right now, so I'm basically sleeping on a wooden frame. Which could also explain why my back hurts when I wake up. I've been waking up 3 times a night to change positions. Maybe I should buy a new futon this weekend.

Anyway, there's so much in the US that is nice, but still, I'm enjoying my time here in Japan. I don't know how long I'll be here, but we'll see how long I stay. If I do stay, I'm not planning on staying more than one more year. I don't want to stay for too much longer though. I don't know...maybe I'll take a trip around Japan. Maybe i'll visit Kagoshima while I'm at it. That's crazy far away. And I'm not sure how to get there.

Anyway...I think that this weekend, I'm going to hit the Department store. This time, I'm going ot take a train instead of a bike. That way, I don't have to worry about some old man hitting me with a broom on my way there.

They're selling used PS2 here in Japan now that the PS3 came out. One thing that is a downside to the PS3 is that they don't have shock or vibration in the controller in the PS3. That is due to the tilt control that they put in the controller. Tilt control is something like when you're flying an airplane or dragon on the PS3, you can tilt the controller to tilt the plane a certain direction. Cool huh! But nobody liked the new design of the PS3 batarang controller. Some said it looked like a batarang (from batman) or a banana. So it got low ratings. Sony decided to use the old style of controller, so while it looks better, it doesn't have shock or vibration. i guess that's a good thing in some sense, because shock in the controllers can cause damage to your hands, or so I heard.

Anyway, I could buy a PS2 brand new here for only $20 more than they're selling the used ones. I guess I got to wait until February before I buy my ps2. I guess I can hold off on playing some of these cool games until the price goes down. heh. Hmm...if I stay another year, then I'll most definitely buy a PS3. Hopefully Shiro Kishi (White Knight) will come out by then.

I played part of Valhalla Knights last night before I went to sleep. I'm surprised that I understand even that much of the dialogue. Still, it seems like the dialogue isn't that great right now, because when they go into explanations they show a "........" and then the outcome. So it's like a conversation is happening, it's just you aren't a par of it. Darn it Marvelous Interactive!!! The reason people play role playing games is so that they can live in an alternate world. Well, at least that's my reason. heh.

anyway, the main character just says, "......." I think that it's a Japanese thing or something like that to not have the main character say much. Chrono Trigger and Chrono cross is one example. Personally, I think that the UMDs can only hold so much info, so they had to cut down on that to put in awesome gameplay. Which I've only had one battle. Plus it's a very customizable game, so there's a lot of items and stats that you can use. I think that they said there's about 1500 combinations in the preview that you can use for your character wear. Crazy...that's how detailed some people in the gaming industry in Japan are. Crazy...

Anyway, I'm wondering if I should come home after my contract ends, or if i should stay another year if they offer me another year. I'd stay in the same place if I had the chance, but part of me wonders if I should go to a different place. i'd feel bad because the people here are the ones who are investing in me. Not only in teaching, but in some of the friendships that I have here...even though we're just coworkers. Then there's the teachers that get on my case and that isn't nice all the time, but it's a good way to learn how to deal with things...unless I get depressed.

Anyway, I'd better get going.

A note about games...

Kingdom Hearts II went down to 29.99 at EBgames today. You can check out their website on www.ebgames.com and just look under Kingdom hearts ii for the PS2. Anyway, they forgot to update their website completely as you can buy the used game for 39.99 which may or may not come with box or instructions or the brand new game for 29.99. Hmm....which to choose.

Another note, I can now play Valhalla Knights on my psp. Thank you Amazon!

Yeah baby!!!

I think that I'm getting sick. Man, I'm not looking forward to this as I still have to come to work even if I am sick. Anyway, I just hope that it won't be too bad.

On another note, I'm supposed to go to Osaka this weekend. I got to buy my tickets right now. So I've got to go to the next city.

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

Yeah...not much I want to say.

PS3 came out today in Japan

Last night, there was this long report about the PS3 on the news. It looks pretty good right now. If you want to see pictures of people standing in lines and possibly the rain, you can check out the Asahi newspaper found here.

And yes, I saw the weather last night and also heard it outside my window. It rained last night and today. I'm glad that I'm crazy enough to buy one yet. I can imagine going into work sick and saying that I am sick because I stood outside in the rain for 8+ hours to get a lower version of the PS3.

Anyway, the newspaper article basically said the same things that everyone knows about already. The lower version cost 49980 yen and the higher version cost about 60000 and up. The PS2 was a big hit and the PS3 uses blu ray discs.

People must have been lining up right after school or work to try to get that. And of course, they have a picture of a gaijin with a PS3 holding it above his head. Caucasian people do stand out here. I guess there's this fascination with people different than the Japanese in Japanese society, but still, Japanese do have distinct in groups and out groups.

Anyway, I'm basically in the out group for all of my coworkers. But that's okay. I can still work 'em. heh.

One thing that I noticed on TV was this gameshow called "Deal or No Deal." They have all foreign women, about 50 of them standing with suitcases. At the beginning, the contestants choose a suitcae number. That one is put off to the side for now. Then the contestants choose different suitcases to see what they could have won if they chose that one. It goes from 1 yen to maybe 1 million yen. After each case is opened, the host calls the man upstairs and asks for an offer to offer the contestants. If low cases are opened, then they usually raise up the price. The contestants have a choice to choose to take the deal or say no deal and go on. If a high one comes out like 1million yen then usually there's a better chance that the price of the deal will go down. And so on.

If the contestants decide to go all the way, then when there is only 3 cases left, they open the last case and that's what they get. Of course there is a table prices that have already been opened, so you have a chance of getting something good or something low. The first game that I watched, the contestants decided to go all the way. They could have either won 2000 yen which is $20 or 200,000 which is about 2000 dollars. Or something like that. Anyway, they got the 2000 dollars. It all depends on the risk factor you're willing to take and what your reasonable price amount that you're willing to take also.

Anyway, I think that they will have that show in America if it's not out already. What makes the Japanese show so interesting is that the host and other people on TV say these funny things that make the audience laugh or they have little arguments with each other. Anyway, I've noticed that Japanese people do have some showmanship in them...the ones on TV. Most people though, don't. So I guess it's pretty rare to get on TV.

Anyway, there was this group of four. Two couples. One guy wanted to hold out longer, because they were only at 200,000 yen. So they did rock paper scissors and the guy who wanted to hold out longer won. So they got more money later on because they accepted a deal. I think that each of them got 10,000 dollars approximately. But if they stayed to the end, then they would have gotten 20,000 each. I guess 10,000 is a good chunk of money.

Anyway I've seen people only get $30 on that show when they could have gotten $2000. So I'd take the deal if I were given a good amount of money. It'd suck to get 1 yen.

Why is it that I'm feeling so alone nowadays. I think that I need to rest. Then I'll be able to converse with others at school.

Anyway, I don't know why the heck I'm here in Japan. I've said it over and over again. No matter what reasoning I can come up with, I still don't know if this is what God wants for me. And I can't pray right now, or else I'll fall asleep.

Today I was falling asleep in my chair at work. I fell asleep with the light on last night. I wanted to work on some things, but decided to take a nap and that was a mistake. I woke up tired the next day. Alarms don't seem to wake me up when I need sleep. I'm wondering if I should call in sick tomorrow. Nah...

One guy who I met last week at training told me that it's tough when the kids call you names. But he told me that he thinks that I don't have one bad bone in my body. heh. I don't think that's true for anybody. But I must say that I do give that impression. heh, I remember one of my principals in Elementary school was this guy named Mr. Ficken. One of my friends told me that this girl who we both knew went up to him and sang farajaqkah (I don't know how to spell that) using his name Mr. Ficken except the i was turned into a u. My friend told me that the principal's face turned bright red and he said, "Kary, get to class!" i guess I'm not the only one who has experiences like that.

Today a kid called me "Megane sensei." It was a little girl. heh. Then she said bye bye! What a cute girl. I don't think that it changes much when the kids turn into adults. They say things to rile you up a little bit, but I don't think that they mean too much harm by it. I think that they do things to have fun with you. Still, the adults are way more mature than the kids are. But not all the adults are mature. I think that it just depends on the person. You can't judge people by how other people are. Everyone is different, so everyone will have different personalities. Just because someone's an adult, no matter where they're from, doesn't mean that they'll act like one. But still, don't get me wrong. The teachers at the schools are great. But it's just that they sometimes say my name sometimes and I wonder if they're talking crap about me. I let it go and don't worry about it all that much. If they were mean to my face, then it'd be a different story. But since I don't know what they're talking about because of my poor Japanese, I can't complain. They might be telling an anecdote or they might be talking about something else. Who knows. Anyway, I'm thinking that I should come home after March. Japan is a nice place, but I don't think that it's for me.

All the things that I've learned before have been preparing me for this. Preparing me for my life in Japan. I can't worry about what others think about me. My last job prepared me for this job in that I learned not to get angry at what others said about me. Everyone thought that I was gay at work for some reason. Not sure why. But rumors fly around especially in a male dominated homophobic place like my old company. But still, the people there at my old workplace liked me. So I guess I learned to deal with it and to make a difference in my relationships with the others.

Anyway, I feel like I stopped caring. Maybe I'm burning out. But I think that I know the real reason. I need to take better care of myself. Maybe that's what this job here in Japan is why I'm here. Take care of myself and learn how to depend on God throughout all these times. My whole life, looking back, I can see why I turned out a certain way. I can see why I am who I am now. I didn't realize that some things that happened back then would shape who I am today, but they were steps in making me who I am now. I have a responsibility to make sure that I don't keep the knowledge that I've learned to myself. Meaning, that I need to go and share goodness with others. Maybe that's why I'm in Japan. Maybe I need to care for the people here who have no God other than the idols on TV or radio. Maybe I need to take better care of myself so that others will know that there is a God out there who cares for them. I can't say how hard it is to tell others about Christ here, but St. Francis of Assisi had it right. "Preach the gospel 100% of the time...if necessary use words."

Teaching is one part of showing that I care. I guess i need to work on that too. But loving the people is just as important. I feel that the people will not listen to me if I teach crappy lessons. So I guess I need to prepare better when the time comes.

An article about Sony's PS3.

You can find it here on gamespot. Apparently there's going to be 20,000 kids who won't be happy on launch date for the PS3. Anyway, really, why the heck are people trying to get this right when it comes out? It's expensive...and with the 60 gig version in Japan with no limit set on how much it will be, it really is pretty crazy how much people want this machine. Reminds me of the XBOX 360 launch.

Anyway, I read off of gamespot that the PS3 games will be region free. But the region codes for the Blu-ray movies will be I think North America, maybe South America, and Asia (excluding China.) If so then, I will probably wait until I go back home to get a Japanese ps3. Anyway, I don't know if the ps3 will be able to play other region games for the ps2 and psone, but I'm doubting it. So I'm going to buy a Japanese PS2 before I leave Japan.

Anyway, I just wasted so much time today when I got back. I really should use my time wisely. Anyway, got to get going.

I bought Valhalla Knights for the PSP here in Japan. It will come out in America around March. I found that I cannot play the game. PSPs are region free, but this game requires version 2.71 on the updates. I have version 2.70. So close and yet so far.

I know that I'm not perfect. I know that I will make mistakes. I know that no matter how well something goes, there's always the chance that I could do something wrong. I can't worry about that though. I keep telling myself that I need to move forward and not worry about the roadblocks. That's the thing about a roadblock. Either they slow you down or they stop you from moving forward. I guess that's the thing. I need to keep moving forward even though I'm being slowed down by my mistakes.

I don't know what the heck I'm doing here in Japan. I don't know if I want to stay here for another year if I get offered another year. But what I do know is that I need to spend more time writing things out and praying. Writing on a blog is one thing, but the whole world can see my thoughts and I don't have the patience to slow down when I'm typing. Thinking about things, there's some things that I'd rather keep to myself and God. But definitely I need to make time for that.

Anyway...got to get going

Anyway, right now there is a lot of wind blowing outside. I'm hoping that my bike stays in the same place. Otherwise, I might not be able to ride to work tomorrow. heh.

Hmm...I think that I should stop the video game madness. I've been buying way too many. I'm wondering if I should start a business selling Japanese games to other places in the world. But then again, i'll only be here for 5 more months and teaching is more important right now. I got an anket back from two of the schools. I got a average of 3 and an average of 2 from those schools. It is out of 5. So with my limited teaching experience I'm lucky that I didn't get a one. otherwise my trainer told me that I would definitely have been visited.

Anyway, if I do get offered to stay here longer, I don't know what i'll be doing. Teaching is a lot like being a student, only you have the responsibility to teach. One thing that we're supposed to do is make learning fun. when they reach Jr. High school, they'll be stressed out to the max. It is a definite hard time starting from there for Japanese kids. Some even commit suicide. There's so much pressure to do well in Japan. There is also a high level to attain in knowledge too. These kids are smart, but that's true for all kids everywhere. Everyone has the ability to become something greater than they are now. It's just easier when you're a kid. And the motivation to do that is not always there. But luckily that's where teachers come in. heh. Also parents too. Anyway,

My job is not an easy job. Well, compared to some jobs, it's way easy, but man, I'm finding that people scare me. I am intimidated by people. Kids too. The reason being that you'll never know what someone will do. I guess for me, i'll have to learn how to deal with this. I've been dealing with it, but I probably will never feel comfortable reaching out to people. Maybe that's true for a lot of people. But still, reaching out is something that can be rejected and cause for evaluating oneself negatively. play it safe and you'll never experience life. But you've got to know when to fold 'em and know when to run. Ie being smart.

Anyway, I've experienced more fun here in Japan than I have in the past year. The kids are great. But still, it has been a bitter experience in how I cannot seem to meet the expectations of the people here. But still, I can't help but wonder if God wants me somewhere else. Anyway, I know that I should be praying about that. I didn't pray too hard about Japan. But I'm seeing that I need to be praying. The greater good...I'm only a soldier. I'm not important, yet God considers everyone, including me important. We're important, yet we're not important because anybody could take our place. I know that no one can take the place of another person, but I find that if there's nobody there, then who will go? I have to take the great commission seriously. Man, the great commission. I'm not sure what to do. yeah, I know...