Tsunami

If you haven't heard, check the news. A Tsunami hit South East Asia just a couple of days ago. The death toll is in the tens of thousands right now...I think it was 60,000 from one person I heard from. It's expected to double from diseases caused by the dead bodies and waterborne diseases.

I really don't want to write more about this. But yeah, it's terrible and it's going to get worse. Relief programs are trying to help, but it's going to take a lot of money. No matter how big or small any bit helps. Check out www.worldvision.org or other places like www.Amazon.com (I stole this from GC's website.)

Seeing stories from people who have lost family from the Tsunami...I can't imagine what they're feeling. I know that bad things happen...from time to time. They're happening all the time...

I really don't feel like posting anything else right now...

So many things, so many distractions. Okay, I need a job.

I have been looking into a application for this church in Japan. I wonder if I'll be able to do a good job there. The contract is 3 months, but I'm thinking that it's going to be a very stressful three months. Why? I really think that the Japanese churches are really on fire for God and want you to do really well in your job. Being kind of lazy right now, I'm thinking that I might get sent home early. But we'll see if I get the job or not.

With another Christmas season passing, I'm finding that a lot of things are changing. Change is good, but not always. I guess that was a generic statement. But I'm both happy and sad that things are changing. Happy that people are moving on and moving forward in their lives. Sad that I'm still living at home and feeling like I might not get a job any time soon.

I'm also sad that I feel like I haven't changed all that much while everyone else is changing a lot. I guess it depends on what we do with our days and what we choose to invest in. I can say that I've invested a lot of time in video games now that the holiday season is here and everyone else is home.

Going away

Something my dad said yesterday is causing me to rethink where I want to be. It's nothing bad, but he just mentioned that we should probably move away from where we grew up so that we would not be stifled. I wonder if going to Japan would be a good thing for me.

Writing some personal stuff down, I found that it was therapeutic to actually write them down and think things through.

Sometimes I feel that it is better to leave some things left unsaid. But part of me wants to make my voice heard.

I know that God has a plan for my life. Despite the twists and turns, there is a plan. Yet I can't help but think, what is it? Am I following it? Am I better off than I was 5 years ago? I know that I definitely am better off.

There is hope in the day today. Each day has hope and each day is yours. What you do with your time can make all the difference.

Living in the past

I remember when I was a kid. Things were a lot simpler, but I was not happy. I always lived with the mistakes that I've made. I still live with them, even though I don't remember them. Part of me has a hard time letting things go, even when they're gone and I'm just gripping hard at empty space.

One event sticks out at me and I see that my life changed dramtically because of that. Both bad and good. Another comes to mind and I see that yeah, I could have done better in what I did.

But all in all, I never really remember the things that I have done well. It's like I need evidence that I actually did something well. It shows you how strong the negative is. The negatives come and keep a grip on my life.

But, at least they keep things real. Don't get me wrong though, the positives are definitely worth remembering. I remember a lot of them and laugh in nostalgia. But why I live in the past is something that I don't want to share.

Living in the now is hard. But I have resolutions to make and I feel that this is one that I should make. So here goes nothing, it's said. Hopefully I'll follow through. I'd better. My life depends on it. Not life and death, but my future.

Why am I here?

This is something that I continually ask myself in light of why God didn't allow me to die when I had lost all hope in 9th grade. I was helped a great deal and my views of myself have changed since then. Still, part of me from the past lurks within me and asks, "Why am I here?" "What purpose do I have here?"

I may never know those answers in my lifetime. But one thing is clear, people do make a difference in another person's life. It could be either good or bad. But it depends also on our reaction and how we deal with the other influences.

What I found to be powerful, was that in spite of how bad things got in my life, I could use them as a testimony for the good that God has done in my life. How low I've come to be where I am now. And it didn't come solely through prayer, but through people who were the answers to those prayers.

I can honestly say that I'm here because people have impacted me a great deal and I have changed. But what I can also say is, not all of my old self has gone and part of me still wonders, "Would life be better without me?" For the last question, I can say yes and no.

What keeps me here is hope. It helps me get through the day and know that something great could happen each day. For me, I wake up feeling tired, but everyday starts anew and I feel better than I did when I went to sleep. (That is unless I go to sleep upset.) Christ helps me through His word in the Bible and prayer. I cannot say that I could go on without Him. He is my strength and my hope and also a source of a lot of discomfort.

Anyway, why I'm writing this, I don't know. Only that after I got baptized today, I kept asking myself, "Am I going to be more serious now? Am I going to follow after Him? Or am I going to keep on ignoring Him?" (That Him is Christ and my walk of faith.)

I have committed my life for Him. I want to be part of something special and longlasting. Not letting my life drain away as I go through each day, but taking part of something each day, whether it be something small or big. But, in light of my commitments, I find that I fall short a lot. Hence the questions, am I really committed or am I just saying things again?

God didn't save me for nothing. But part of me wonders, am I missing out on what I should be doing? I guess writing about it won't make too much of a difference. But I guess maybe this is a way that I voice my thoughts. Hmm...makes me wonder if I should write this somewhere else.

Baptism

I got baptized today. It was a great day as I finally proclaimed that Jesus is my Savior and Lord. I'm not sure what the significance is to it, only that it is expressing the commitment that I made. I'm sure that that's what it is.

God has done so much in my life, it's time to stand up for what I believe in.

I've got to pray. I hope that things will go alright. Why do I leave these things to the last minute?

Sometimes there's nothing to say, but lots to do.

JLPT

I got there early. It was already crowded with people eager to take the test and people cramming at the last minute fitting images of words into their minds. I basically didn't care about studying at the last minute at that point, because I knew that my test would have at least 1000 words that you would need to know. It could have been that I just wasn't expecting to pass this test from the previous results of the practice test.

As I walked in, someone called my name. I was surprised, because the cynical part of me wants to think that people don't like me and don't have very good impressions of me. (In the latter part of my years at the university, I've grown to be like this, because I moved out of the dorms and lost contact with a lot of my social life.) But to my surprise, it was someone whom I met in the dorms some 4 years ago.

We met in my Sophmore year, her freshman year, and both have a passion for Japan. She's half Japanese, and I'm a third. heh. We both weren't very good at Japanese at the time, but apparently she has gotten a lot better, because she was taking level 1, the hardest test. I was taking level 2.

Since July, she has been working for a Japanese company and loves her job. She gave me the name and info of the person she works for and told me to turn in my resume. "It couldn't hurt" she added when I told her that my Japanese is horrible. I gratefully took it and put it in my wallet. Wow, I totally wasn't expecting to apply to any Japanese companies this soon. We parted when the test started and she told me, "Ganbatte" (Good luck). "Nice girl," I thought.

The test was rough. It was harder than all the previous tests that were given before. I hope that the people giving the test didn't read my blog about it not showing how proficient a person is, because I really didn't catch everything and I do think that this test does show some basic material that is essential to master. But probably they just thought that there were too many people passing, so they upped it up a notch. It was a lot harder than I expected it to be.

It was a pretty rough test, but we'll see what the results will be. I might have done better than I thought. But for now, I really need to find any type of job and study Japanese in the meantime.

Gambling as a Job?

My dad told me that he thinks that I should go with my brother to the casinos and earn some money gambling. My brother told him how I beat all of them at Texas Hold 'em when I went to visit. I thought that it was funny that my dad would say something like that, being that he wanted to get a stable job when he was young. Hmm...I could try gambling, but I know that I would lose more than I would win. Yeah, gambling wouldn't be fun if you won every single time. The thrill does come in winning, only because the reality is you'll lose more than you'll win (odds stacked against you). Unless luck is on your side, or you're really good.

Got to pray

Seeing things in this world is really telling me, pray and seek direction. We'll see where I end up. =)

About the last post

I wrote some things that probably made some people upset or angry in my last post. Or, maybe to some people, it sounded like I was whining.

That probably wasn't my best post. But let me clarify some things.

People do not have to see worth in me. It really does not matter if others see me as a nobody or not. Really, I cannot help that if people do, and I know that I should not post my frustrations on the web. But, what I wanted to get across was this. Because Christ died for all people and saw worth in all people, shouldn't we have the same attitude towards all people as well?

I know that it's not always so in this world. I know that we as human beings are imperfect. But, shouldn't we strive to be more like Christ? Love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And love your neighbor as yourself. Those things I was trying to get across.

Each person is important. No matter how small a role they play, or how big. Their worth is not seen in their job, what they do, what they say, or how others see them. But their worth is determined by God. Christ died for the ungodly. He died for us. But also for those whom we deem unworthy.

Why I wrote that last post

I've felt from time to time that I had no worth. Recently, I've kept asking "Why am I here?" That question goes unanswered, because nobody can answer that for me.

I've had to rethink things and see that I do have worth. I am worth something. And so is everyone else. No matter how worthless they feel, or think they are, they are worth a lot.

I think the reason why people in general saw no worth in me, was because I felt like I had no worth. Maybe I was imagining things, but to me, it was real.

The truth is, nobody can give you worth. You have to find it in yourself. Another person cannot give that to you, because they cannot make you into something else. You just have to recognize the worth inside of yourself. And when you do, others will see the worth in you.

I have remebered things like this from some helpful reminders. Really, I have a lot to be thankful for.

Thoughts

I like to think. It may not always be clear what I'm trying to say, but the concept is there in my head.

Sometimes I'm just slower to say things rather than blurt out what I think. It was better this way, because I would end up hurting some people's feelings from my impulsive words.

Anyway, speech has never been a gift of mine. But I do have my own thoughts and ideas about things. From today's bible study, I'm thinking about faith and just how that fits into my own life.

Faith, I believe in God and Jesus and that He died for us. I know that He can do anything. But what I also know is that He doesn't do everything for us, or so has been my experience.


I know that you can't base your picture of who God is on your experiences, but I've found that some of my experiences have, or so I think, helped me to know God better. Things such as prayer, serving others, and trials. While other experiences have given me more questions than answers.

I wonder exactly what being a Christian is all about. And I know that it's about loving God and loving people. But looking at that statement from that sentence really doesn't dig into how deep of a statement it truly is. It's harder than you think.

Anyway, God will judge everyone at the end of times, so I should not judge them. He will judge me too. But yeah, I guess what I should do is not worry about how people treat me and just know that I am a great person. I am a winner. Even though everyone may think I'm a loser, God calls me a winner.

"Why do I say that?" you may ask. Tony Campolo put it best when he said in a sermon. He brought up an ordinary guy who was kind of fat and old. He said, "Do you see this guy? This guy is a winner!"

He explained that there was a big race. Thousands of others like him ran down a big tube and were racing for the prize. And he won!

He explained that we're no accident. Even if you weren't meant to happen by your parents, God meant for you to happen! The guy he brought up there is a winner. And so is everyone else.


I actually saw Tony Campolo and heard him speak at a church south of where I live. We traveled from Presby some 30 miles to hear him speak. It was definitely worth it. He is a very dynamic speaker and he has a great understanding of the Bible and the gospel.

Anyway, he was promoting a program called REACH ministry, which is a ministry that helps kids infected with AIDS. This ministry helps buy medicine for the kids that have AIDS and also sponsors a camp for them. The kids shown in the video are great. Yet, they are judged by other people because they have AIDS. This disease is something that they're born with and not something that they had by choice.

But yeah, getting back to all of us. God sees us all as winners. We won the race in the beginning of our lives. God loves us all. God also loves those who are looked down by us.

Really, the gospel is good news! It's a sign of God's love. AACF's theme verse was 1 John 3:16. It goes, "This is how we know what love is. Jesus Christ laid down his life for us, how we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."

Anyway, there's lots of things that are wrong in this world. But who am I to judge other people? I am here to do what I know to be right. Not judge others. God is good. God is great. And God sees things differently than man. For "while man looks at the outward appearances, God looks at the heart."

Anyway, you may be asking who I'm talking about. Really, no one in particular. But, I know that there are some people who don't see worth in me. I guess I'm a little bitter about that, but I know that God loves them too. Regardless of how we treat each other, God's love for us will never change, despite how our love for each other changes.

"I shouldn't worry about whether or not people like me or not. I can't help that. But what I can do is worry about what I can do. That I can help." My thoughts may not be important to others, but they're important to me. I have worth. I have a soul. I am important. And these three things are true for everyone else.

The quote in the last paragraph is from an interview from Jack Nicklaus, the famous golfer.

Last push

Well, after last week's holiday I admit that I spent most of the time doing other things besides studying. I've just picked it up again, and have to double my speed to get to where I wanted to be before the test. The test is on Sunday.

Anyway, I'm not too worried about it. I'm not sure if I can pass it, but I think that I have some chance. We'll see if I worked hard enough when the test comes around.

GC is back!!!

Well, there was a nice get together for GC this past Sunday. It was cool to welcome him back and see some old friends that I haven't seen for awhile. We played Halo 2 and ate some won tons. It was a really good time.

The thing that I keep on thinking about is my weird behavior. I think that I'm just feeling uncomfortable around people, and that people sense that and I get weird looks. I guess it would be safe to say that if you're acting weird, people will give you weird looks. But all in all, I think that everyone who went had a good time and didn't notice how I was acting.

Fantasy sports

For some odd reason, my team is doing quite well in basketball. I look at other people's scoreboards and see that they have more points, rebounds, assists, blocks, etc. racked up than I do in mine. I don't think that my team is going to stay on top for very long, but we'll see. I might just get lucky and my players might do better than expected. There are a lot of factors that play into these things, even though it's based on stats. I think that CA is going to win. We'll see.

You've got to pray~~~~uh!

If you don't know where that's from, it's a line from one of MC Hammer's songs. No idea what song, but I saw the video in 12th grade and it scarred me ever since. It's funny, because I saw that video in class and the person doing the report got sick of it in a very short amount of time.

MC Hammer, he really is a good entertainer. He has skills. When he tried to make his comeback, people didn't give him a chance. But I guess from stuff like that video I saw, the repetitiveness of his lyrics just got to people. It got to me, because the line, "You've got to Prayyyyyyyy~uh!" came up so many times. I guess it's true that if you repeat something enough, you'll remember it.

But what he is trying to encourage is true. I really need to pray. Prayer has changed my life, because God actually hears prayers. Anyway, I need to pray. uh! Because I haven't been doing it enough.

Traditions

Thanksgiving this year was good, but for some reason, I didn't feel thankful. There's lots to be thankful for. My parents haven't kicked me out of the house and are letting me stay there for awhile; I have my life and health; and some good friends. But, not feeling thankful wasn't the problem. I felt like I had forgotten God.

My relationship with God doesn't seem to be going the best, because I have no schedule and I always seem to put God last. Every time that I try to put God first, I fall asleep praying and go into the cycle of praying while I'm sleeping. (It's usually a bunch of gibberish.) Maybe I just need to stop writing about this and spend time with God in prayer and in His word.

I feel like I'm just going through motions and I'm not doing something positive with what I'm learning. I feel so much like a hypocrite who wants good things to happen, yet does nothing to help others to make them happen. And I know that our faith is not about the doing part, but, if you have faith, then what you do will show what you believe. Anyway, yeah, I guess this will have to take some effort rather than just writing on a blog.

Anyway, I do feel alive when doing ministry. But not so much of the ministry inside the church, but rather outside. It's exciting to meet new people and learn who they are. I know that there are so many people who don't know God, that could know God if we just reached out to them. Didn't Jesus reach out to the people who need help?

The question is, how do you do that? Something I'm still trying to learn as I go along.

Anyway, I've got to study. I'll post more later.

JLPT is coming up

Man, I'm not really wanting to go do this test. I feel so unprepared, but I guess if I work on it to the end, I'm sure that I'll do alright. Maybe I'll pass, but probably not. The thing that gets me the most is the comprehension part. Yeah, speech was never my strong point. I should have majored in music. heh.

Anyway, I'm sure that I'll be able to find a job of some sort for the time being after the test. I don't think that I'll be able to take a job using Japanese at the moment.

Anyway, I'm going to stick it to this test. And if it sticks me, I'll just have to train harder afterwards.

Dilligence and Boxing

Like anything, if you want to get good at something, you're going to have to invest a lot of time and effort and practice into it. I've learned from playing piano 13 years that you don't learn a very hard piece overnight. It takes weeks, if not months to learn the whole thing and to play it well. Plus to maintain it, you have to keep practicing over and over until you can get it right. (Note there are also methods that you can use or invent that will help you do something right. Examples are finger exercises, practicing a small portion of the piece until you can get that done well, and not taking in too much at once.) Frankly if you want to do something that you can achieve, it's going to take work.

For me, after coming home from a tutoring session with my teacher and my friends, I was really bummed out. I am not ready for this test and I spent most of today just moping around. I basically was so bummed that I just kept trying to make myself feel better and find some inspiration.

I found that some things do not come easily to most people, such as piano, and even if you can't do it that doesn't mean that you're stupid. Who is anyone to judge another person if they are stupid or not. When you label someone, you don't see them as a person, but the label. In a way, you lessen their humanity in your eyes. Yeah, I thought someone called me a moron and I thought that my teacher called me lazy. So I was partly bummed out because of that. But, what they say doesn't matter right now. (I'm not sure if they even called me that, but I thought that it was true, so it hurt.) I've gotten past that for now. It was a good chance to look at reality and where I am right now.

My new motto for right now is, "Stick it to 'em." It goes with the picture of a boxer. Granted I'm no boxer, but just the image of how much they struggle to keep in shape and be better than everyone else at what they do encourages me to work hard and become the best at whatever I will do. Stick it to 'em, if you didn't know means to throw punches. Granted it's only your opponent that you're throwing punches at. So don't take it the wrong way that I mean this to anybody. My opponent is not people. A better word could be translated as "Adversary."

This world will try to bring you down. People are not perfect and they will also try to bring you down from time to time over small things. But people should not be your enemy. God loves all people and really we should be trying to help people, but it doesn't always come out that way I know. Anyway, forgive others as God has forgiven you. But make sure that you let them know about their wrong if you have anything against them.

I've believe that choices that you make will determine which path you walk. We all have choices each and every day. How we deal with them and how we resolve them will make a big difference in our lives. Sometimes we'll need help with them. Your Pastor or counselor might be able to help you work things out.

Japanese Language Proficiency Test

It's not looking good for me in terms of this test. But I figure, it's only a test. If I don't pass, then it's not the end of the world. Even though I did spend a lot of money for preparation of this test, I know that there are other things that matter more. If I don't pass, I'll take it next year. If I do pass, then I'll try for level one.

Anyway, I know that I'm not good at Japanese, but I know with a lot of training and diligence I'll become better and better until I'll learn how to speak Japanese effectively.

Star Wars Episode III

I'm excited for the new Star Wars episode coming out. It's coming out in May, but you can view the trailer at www.starwars.com

The trailer is only the teaser so far, but I think that this will be much better than Episode 2. Well, I hope it will be. With the closing of the series, it better be good. heh

They should go LOTR style and make it 3 hours. 2 hours is just too short to tie in all the details. I hope that Lucas will do a better job in this one than he did in Episode I.

Rethinking video games

After thinking about what I wrote yesterday, I can say that the results that happened to me didn't necessarily come only through video games, but through people as well as other things. Video games were just part of the experiences that I actually gained.

Video games are fun, but they can be harmful. There is a direct coralation between how depressed a depressed person gets and how much time they spend playing video games. The reason is that they spend time alone while playing video games, or they don't talk that much while they're concentrating. Depression can worsen if a person spend too much time alone.

I'm not saying video games are bad. But just saying that you need balance in your life. All of one thing cannot be good for someone. People need to be a part of your life and you need to do other things besides work.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. But all play and no work makes me lazy.

Lately, I've been trying to study for the Japanese Language proficiency test. It's coming up in three weeks. I don't feel ready for it, so I've put limits on how much video games I play. I have so many, and I want to play them and beat them, but it's just not right to spend your life as a hermit. Without other people telling you if you're going a wrong way, you might not see if you actually are.

Anyway, back to work, so basically my job right now is studying for the Japanese Language test. I've been getting some good hours, but not too much clarification. Sometimes there aren't enough examples.

For example, the phrase "kaneru" in Japanese, is used after a verb which means... the verb and kaneru shows that you want to do that verb, but don't. In my preparation book, it just says, "hard to do", or "there's a psychological block, so you can't do it." That's fine, but it didn't tell me that you wanted to do that, but couldn't. My prep book just isn't very good. And I can see why this test really doesn't show that you can use the language, but only understand it. However, it does show that you are in some way fluent.

Tests in Japan
For some reason, tests are big in Japan. I think it goes back to China where you would have to pass a test to get some sort of certification and then you could serve in the royal house and become rich. It was kind of like getting a college degree, only that this was more extreme. The tests were hard, and a lot more is based on those tests.

So for Japan, you need to take tests to get into preschools, elementary schools, Jr. High schools, and High schools, then college. What you score on your test determines where you will go. It's pretty crazy in that I've heard that some of the information on the tests that you study is just basically rote memorization. It seems like most of it is basically useless or just trivia.

I have never taken a test in Japan, but seeing some of the number problems for elementary schools does test your knowledge. So not all the problems are useless. Some really test your IQ.

Living in Asia is crazy. The students that come here the University that I went to (in the US), from Asia, are basically top notch students. The schools really are hard on the kids. I would guess that I wouldn't like living in Asia if I were a kid. America, the land of opportunity...I guess America isn't such a bad place to live.

Foreign schools

You'd be surprised at how good some schools are around the world. A person that I met that works for a prominent computer company said that in the philippines, she went to school when it was dark, and would come home when it was dark. She learned basically everything that we learned in our schools, only earlier. When she came to the US, she was skipped ahead 2-3 grades, because she knew all the info for the grade level that she was placed in because of her age. She is actually younger than me and has been working for about 2-3 years already. Crazy.

Granted she did go to a private Catholic school in the Philippines, but still, just seeing how good some of the schools are oveseas does kind of make you wonder why the US doesn't accept some of the foreign schools as equal.

This one guy that I met from Iran took about 2 years of college in Iran. He came to the US and had to start from scratch in the University that I attended, because they wouldn't accept his transfer credits. He complained to me that it was such a simple class, he didn't know why they had to give him so much hw. (It was one of the Physics calculus series weed out classes.) hehe
Man, I'm glad I'm out of school. =)

Anyway, yeah, not too interesting today, but yeah, it helps me to write things out. Yeah, this test will be important, but still, what's more important is the application after the test. I guess the Japanese Language Proficiency Test is a good way to learn some of the basics of the language and advance later. Hmm...even though I'm complaining about the stuff that I have, it's still not bad. And I'm sure that I can learn this from some native speaker or somebody.

Video games...so many, so little time to play them

Man, despite how many games I have, I haven't played very many of them. It could be that when I entered college I made a promise not to play video games in the dorms. I stuck to that promise and ended up doing something other than playing video games or doing homework. I started to socialize.

Yeah, I realized how empty life was when there's no friends in your life. I had done so many great things in my video game world, but nobody really cared. I found that I really didn't have very many friends in high school. Even in Jr. High, my friends started to find their own groups. Jr. High was a very tough time in making adjustments both physically and socially. The people that I did make friends with during those times were not necessarliy the best people to hang around.

I had a goal to become popular and have lots of friends in 12th grade. That never came, but the year afterwards, my dream came true.

As I look at how my life has progressed, I see that one event led to another event. It didn't magically appear. I had to make something happen. I had to work at something to make it into a reality. It wasn't until I stopped playing video games my 11th grade year that things started to move in the right direction.

Anyway, enough about the past. I could go on for a long time about it. There was a lot of bad, but there was a lot of good. I'm just glad that my brother was praying for me throughout that time. It helped so much. So much, because the direction that I took led to a better life for myself. I just hope that I don't waste too much more of my life doing things that don't matter.

Even with that said, I still enjoy video games. I play them on the weekends or when I have finished a significant amount of work. I know that they can ruin my life if I get too involved with them, but still they are a good distraction from time to time.

I guess I wrote this entry because I'm trying to remind myself not to play that many video games and to work on improving my own life. My social skills are not the greatest, but college has helped in changing parts of that. I, again, state that I write on my blog mainly for reminders to myself. I don't write everything, because it's not like I want to tell the whole world everything that's happening. But I do think that it can help people in their own lives as well.

Anyway, you don't have to agree with everything. This is mainly a journal of my thoughts.

Back to video games

I am finding that my main goal in playing these video games is to get an idea of how people speak in Japanese. But mainly I play, because it's a fun way to pass the time, and a good way to learn some new commonly used kanji.

I've learned some lessons from video games though. They weren't a complete waste of time.

"Try again, and don't get angry if you fail." I find that it's a great way to gain tenacity. It's a different way, but still it taught me to not get so angry when someone loses a football game, or doesn't come through on a project.

"Improving takes time and lots of practice." In RPGs, role playing games, especially in Final Fantasy, there are some mini side quests that involve a lot of patience and practice. It's kind of pointless in that you only receive something in the game because of your hard work. But, you learn that like anything, if you want to get good at something, you've got to put in the time and practice. Just like learning an instrument or a language.
Granted there are geniuses who can learn these things faster, but still, work ethic is important to improving.

"Don't spend all your time doing one thing." If you spend all your time playing video games, you'll never learn anything else. In life in general, if you don't try new things, you'll never know what you're missing.

"Know your limits, or don't try at all." I'm referring to addiction. I personally don't drink, because, 1. I can't. 2. I know that I wouldn't be able to stop drinking once I started. I know myself well because of how addicted I was to video games. Now, I pay attention to the time that I spend when I playing them.

Anyway, take it or leave it. You may think that this is nonsense, but these are some things that I've found true in my life. Anyway, I'm not saying that video games are a waste of time, but you need balance in your life. How many times have you heard that?

Studying for the Japanese language proficiency test

Studying is coming along alright. There's not too much time left and I'm finding that I'm more motivated to study for this test. How I was studying before was that I was reading newspaper articles and watching anime to understand how people actually use Japanese. Now I'm using a grammar book and studying the old tests. It's a pretty hard test.

Looking at the scores from this old test, there was one person who scored 400 points (perfect) and one person who scored 23 points. The average for the test is about 55%, which is not passing. Note that this is only for the level that I'm taking. 60% is passing for levels 2-4. 70% is passing for Level 1, the highest level.

One thing that I'm having trouble with is that the book that I bought to help me study does not have very good explanations of what a term means. I'm finding that they use synonyms, but really, it would have been nice if they did a little more in the explanations.

Most of my time today was spent studying for the test. I didn't get very far in the book, so I'm trying to pick it up some more. I find that writing sentences for the grammar points helps, but what I'm going to have to do more of is get back into the habit of reading newspapers.

Church

In regards to church, I've been finding that I've been coming late most of the time. I think the reason is that it's just not in my internal clock. If it started at 10, then maybe I would have a better chance of getting there on time. I guess maybe I need to find a job.

But Sunday school has been good so far. I've been learning about the epistles and main points that Paul, James, and mostly Paul again have written. Points about God the father, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, on life together with Jesus (community), and other things which I need to study more about. I won't go into too much detail right now, but I feel that this is a really good class and that I need to look at these notes more closely and apply them to my life.

Life in general

Yesterday, my dad found some free guitar lessons online. Isn't the internet great? Unfortunately the guy who wrote them died from cancer. The guy kind of had a blog going on with how his battle with cancer was going. He wrote that he "hated putting his family through all of this." He ended up dying this past year.

What my dad told me was, "You've got to enjoy life. You could be here today, and gone tomorrow." When I think about life, what matters most should be God and people. If I were to look at what I spend my time and money in, I'd say that it would be things Japanese. Ie video games, anime, studying the language and trying to see what's going on in Japan. As of right now, that's important to my career, but I wonder if I'm missing more important things.

Anyway, life has been good in general, and I'm not complaining at what could be. I've been pondering at some things that have passed by. I realize that I'm taking a lot of things for granted and some things I'm looking too much into, but for some reason, I don't feel like changing. Maybe it's the studying. Even though I'm not busy with work, I'm really busy studying and trying to do well for this test. Maybe I should just pray about it and see where God leads me.

Moving Scams

If you're about to move or need to move, then watch out for the moving companies. Lots of them scam people, because the government agency that's supposed to help the consumer consists now of two people. Congress agreed to let that agency go in 1995. More details can be found on the listed link below.

Check out www.movingscam.com for more information about being alert and aware.

Also, check out the MSN article here

Front mission 3

In an attempt to study Japanese, I found myself very unmotivated. I just couldn't open a book or read an article today. I'm getting really tired of studying kanji and not applying what I know. There's a point where you just want to do something different than the usual.

I've gotten my hands on a copy of Front mission 3, the Japanese version. If you're into strategy and into robots then I'd reccommend this game. Granted it probably doesn't compare to Mechwarrior for the X-Box, but if you like Final Fntasy, then you'll probably like this game.

Overall it's a pretty interesting game. Squaresoft, now Square-Enix, made some games with lots of depth and storyline. But reading the Japanese has gotten frustrating from time to time, because the kanji characters don't look as good as they do on paper. I've had to bust out my huge kanji dictionary and guess at how many strokes the kanji is from the blurry and sometimes omitted strokes on the tv. But it's all good. I just hit the button and read what I can.

The battles are pretty fun. They take about 10 minutes each and have a variety of weapons from missiles, shotguns, rifles, knuckles, grenades, etc. You equip each of them inbetween battles and can buy them off the internet in the game or shops that you come across. The game would be impossible or very hard to beat if the game acted as a real life situation. Let me explain.

1. Enemies further away start attacking after a certain amount of turns has passed
2. The missiles replenish after each battle
3. You can repair damaged parts or restore destroyed parts with certain items
4. Infinite ammo for guns

etc. etc.

Despite the unreal parts of the game, it still is a fun game. The bonuses in the game, such as pilot skills that your characters learn come in handy and make the game much more interesting. Skills such as "pilot damage", "1.5 times the damage added on", "tackle (for fists or knuckles)", etc.

Yeah, that's what I did all yesterday. Play that game. Too addicting, I must say. Anyway, I'd enjoy it a lot more if I understood more of the Japanese and didn't have to keep on looking up kanji in my dictionary. But, I'd rather play the Japanese version just in case they might have omitted something from the US version.

Anyway, I doubt anybody cares about this section. But yeah, if you're a FF gamer, then try Front mission 3. I hear Front mission 4 for the PS2 is not as good. Anyway, that's all from me. I have a long way to go.

Sometimes you've got to say no

I have no idea why I was called to help someone move out three hours before they start to move tonight, but I was. Maybe it was because I'm a fairly big guy and can lift a good amount.

I sort of wanted to help out, yet didn't want to help out. I felt like my parents would go balistic if I just went out without telling them. So, I ask them and my mom is reluctant and says to ask my dad.

My dad is worried about this and that. They're good reasons, but it's obvious he doesn't want me to go.

I guess I feel kind of bad for not helping out, but still, if they had asked me during the day, I would have said yes right away. I have no idea why we didn't do it yesterday (Sunday) or during the day today. Hmm...

But my thinking is going, they probably weren't asked to do this until today. People willingly volunteered to help out tonight on such short notice. I say, despite the lack of planning, my pastor and other people who are helping are getting beyond good intentions. That, I say, when I find my own place, and start living on my own, I will do also. Right now, I don't have control of my life.

Thinking about things, there's times when you have to say no out of respect for the people who are helping you right now. But then again, I wonder if it wouldn't have been too much trouble to help out for a couple of hours.

Anyway, without any explanation at all and no background as to why this operation is happening at night and in the rain helps me to say no. I don't know if they're getting evicted, or if they move in the middle of the month (which is unlikely).

Still, regardless of this, people help out someone else just because they need help. I guess that's a lesson to learn despite how inconvenient it is. Anyway, got to not worry about it. I think that they have enough people to help out.

Then, the drug dealers come around...

Drug dealers have apparently come close to home in our neighborhood. It's nothing new, but it's the first time that I've seen someone who actually deals drugs.

Drugs are nothing new in this neighborhood or in the schools that I went to. But I would like to keep drugs out of our neighborhood if possible.

At our high school, someone died from drugs and caused a ban of any type of drug at all. I thought that that was extreme, but the reality is, this stuff can really hurt you or other people. If it doesn't kill you, you'll end up damaged in some way from the junk put inside of that crap.

My old roommate could point out who he knew had tried marijuana or did drugs at the time in the year book of our senior year. I was pretty shocked that there were so many people who had done these things. He said about 70 percent of the senior class had tried drugs. People that I knew and some whom I respected had done stuff that was dangerous and stupid.

Drugs are nothing new, but man, these things ruin people's lives. What you put into your body can cause damage. Just look at Michael J. Fox! I heard a rumor that he got Parkinson's disease from doing drugs when he first started acting. I don't know if that's true, but the guy who told me is in medical school.

Anyway, if I see them again, then they'd better watch out, because I'm not afraid to call the police. hehe. But yeah, seriously, if you see anything out of the ordinary, don't be afraid to call the police. Better safe than sorry I always say.

What I will do is pray for them that they will change from this dispicable practice, or that they will come to see the error of their ways and change.

Jesus loves drug dealers too

Despite the evil in this world, God loves all people. Even drug dealers. I hope that God will be working in them to change them into people who will create something good instead of something harmful. Jesus ate with tax collectors, sinners, and prostitutes. He never did the same things they did, but He spent time with them, and they changed because of Him. That's real power, changing human hearts to be better people and live for God.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that you should go out there and find people whom you can change for the better. That is noble, but it is dangerous. If you're not properly trained or with a missionary group of some kind, then you might get hurt. Bad things happen to good people too. Anyway, depending on your faith, you'll need to include God, and also be wise and safe. Jesus said when He sent out the 72, "Be shrewd as serpents, but as innnocent as doves". That's only part of what he said, but He's not calling you to be naive.

Anyway, be wise and not naive. I'll hold my tongue about these things. I really don't know who reads this, but, don't come to me looking for advice. You can't really find out how to live your life by reading someone else's blog. You've got to make your own life through what you have and where you need to go.

Studying for the Noryoku shiken

Okay, so I've put off studying for today. I will get to it after I finish writing this.

Anyway, I was taking the third part of the Japanese Proficiency test from one of the old tests and realized that this third part starts out with articles from a newspaper. They asked questions about what a certain phrase meant according to the context.

I found that interesting, because it reminded me of the tests that we were given in grade school. Questions that aren't really hard, but ask if you are paying attention to what you read. Some good books will not spell out everything for you but get you to find out what they're talking about.

It took me a long time to get some of the answers for the first 14 questions. Then I skipped to 41, the last section of the third part and tried to salvage what easy questions I could. So basically, I failed the practice test. heh. I guess it's harder than it looks.

But, I'm hopeful that I can get a good score if I study long enough and pay attention to what I'm studying. I've bought some books to help me prepare for the test, but the real test looks like it will come in the form of the newspaper articles.

Ugh...

I read an article in the Japanese newspaper about a girl who murdered her classmate because her classmate took her diary and gave it to everyone in the class. I first saw the article on GC's website. Reading the same exact article a couple months later in Japanese shocked me a second time as I was looking up the Chinese characters (kanji) for the words in the article. The girls were 12 (murdered), and 11 (person who did the deed). It's sad. What is this world turning into?

I think that they were saying that the center still can't fathom this act, in the article. I can't either. However, the things that kids are seeing on the media could be a factor in why they do things like this at an early age.

Kids are very impressionable, and they do take in things that they see and hear. I guess the media can't be all to blame. There are probably other factors not seen in the article. Anyway, I'm going to get studying again.

Nihon...ka? (Japan...)

Okay, so I just signed up for the Japanese proficiency test level 2, level 1 being the toughest. They ask you how many class hours have you put in? Man, it's crazy how many I've put it. I should be fluent by those number of hours, but, I'm not.

I used to love Japan so much as a kid. Going to college and experiencing how good things can be in the US has changed that love in my heart from "a love of Japan only", to "a love for the US and Japan". I've been exposed to the bad history of the US and Japan from classes that I've taken. Seeing Japan and America at their worst has given me ideas that things could be worse in my life. Definitely things could be worse than they are now.

Back to why I'm writing about these things...

For some reason, I've always saw my identity in Japan. After college, my identity changed. It's no longer in Japan anymore. But part of me still feels a connection with that old identity. And part of me has no idea where I'm headed now that my identity has changed. I've changed for now...but, it might change back to what it previously was, only different than before.

Reality shakes people up. It causes doubt, uncertainty, and redirection (if you weren't on the right direction before). It's different for everyone though. But ultimately, I believe that if you know what is right, it will cause a next step. I've seen that Japan, like any place it has its share of difficulties. I'm not sure if I'll be able to stay there long term, but I think that even though I don't want to go, I should. I've gotten too comfortable here.

The proficiency test will be a way of testing how I'd be able to hold up in Japan. As of right now, I can barely make myself understood to my conversation partner, because I just do not have a way of hearing and learning how people speak Japanese. I have anime, which I watched for about 6 hours with and w/o subtitles today. Also TV and cassette tapes which I can listen to, but other than that, I think that if I am to use Japanese, I'll need to go to Japan.

We'll see if it's possible. Maybe this is just talk right now. But as of now, I'm going to put a lot of effort into learning Japanese. And of course, I'll need to find a job as well.

I don't plan on staying in Japan forever though. I don't think that I could stand it being that things are so different over there. It's a nice place to visit, but a hard place to live, in my opinion. But we'll see. Maybe a year or two would be good for me.

Thinking back...

Looking at old pictures of myself of when I was a kid, it really looks like I was a happy kid. From my memories, I know that it wasn't always happy. But I do recall going to the city center for Easter to get candy, going to see Santa Claus every Christmas, and even seeing the Blue Angels when my dad was too tired to drive. (My dad almost crashed if it weren't for the sonic boom of the Jet Engine that woke him up.)

My parents have really been good to my siblings and me. Even though there were so many of us, they took us all to piano lessons, practices for sports, and Judo tournaments at far off places.

Growing up in a big family wasn't easy. When you're in close proximity of people and you don't have your space, then things can get ugly from time to time. I would get into a fight with my brother so often that my mom would have to intervene between us frequently. I didn't get along with my family until my siblings went to college, and I finally went to college.

I saw change in my siblings after they started going. They matured there and we got along better. Maybe it was the distance that separated us physically that brought us closer together. (Strange concept, but I've realized how much I miss someone, if they meant something to me, when they've stepped out for a bit and come back.) I remember before they went to college, all of them would yell at me at one point. Afterwards, they loosened up a bit and were more understanding. I knew that I wanted to go to the same exact college when the oldest went to college.

My oldest brother matured a lot, and I figured that college had really changed him. I expected college to be a place where you could start anew. Nobody would know you, or your past besides the people that also went with you. It was going to be different when I went. My life would be different.

It was different, I admit. The people in my dorm were nice to me. I reached out to them, and they responded to me. I made some good friends there my first few weeks. But these expectations that I had didn't seem to fulfill the thirst that I was seeking after. I was thinking in my room what life was really about and then just went along with my business.

Out of nowhere, the phone rings, and I answer it. A guy, whom I never met before, asked if I were there and asked me to go to a fellowship that my brother had suggested. AACF was the name. I was interested when my oldest brother told me about it, but I didn't go the first few weeks, because I just didn't want to go. The guy on the phone asked me if I wanted to go, and I said that I'm not really Christian, so I don't really want to go. He left it open and said that we could meet if I wanted at the Student Union building and go together. I said that I'd think about it. (I had no intention of going.) We ended our conversation, and for some reason, this good feeling came upon me and I decided to go. My life changed after that. I became Christian after a lot of stages. I was anti-Christian, to skeptic, to being for Christ, to walking with Christ.

There are crossroads in our lives where we choose to go in a certain direction. I've mentioned the crossroads before in an earlier post. But the people we meet along the way and people we choose to hang out with do make a difference in which direction seems more favorable. It's still up to each individual to choose which road to take, but sometimes our friends help us to choose.

Anyway, what I'm saying is, the people that are a part of your life can make a big difference in your life. Not saying that they always will, but they can have an influence in how your life turns out. My advice is to seek out people who are positive influences on you and also for you to be a good influence on your friends.

I know that things are different where you go and that some things are harder in some other places. I admit that I don't know who's reading this, or what they've been through or what they go through each day. I'm not saying to break away from the friends that you currently have. It's your choice what you do. But I'm saying that people have influences on each other.

My brother, the oldest, went to college and became a Christian. I never knew that he was Christian until he got baptized maybe 4-5 years later. Until then, I thought that he was the same as me at the time. Buddhist. My siblings influenced me a lot throughout my life. The one sibling that influenced me the most was my oldest brother. If it weren't for him pointing me towards Christ, my life would be a lot different than it is now.

I guess I inherited a lot of habits that my parents and my siblings have. Some good traits are, thoughtfulness from my dad, integrity, understanding. Actually, I'm really different from my siblings. They're all talkative, I'm not. But they listen to me when I do speak. Maybe that's why I'm so good at listening huh? heh

Work is done...for now

Well, it's official. My last day of work at my old job was this past Friday. I am no longer working for the university library anymore. School is starting and since I have graduated, I can't stay there anymore. I guess I've put off finding another job long enough.

It's a weird feeling staying at home while everyone else is going to school. I feel like a bum to be honest. As of right now, I'm living at my parent's house, with no job. The good thing is that my parents gave me some time to find a job and move out, but still, I don't want to be waiting until that time comes.

Grim reality

Lately, in my free time, I've been watching "Outlaw Star". An interesting anime so far, and some scenes are not for kids. But it is reminiscent of Cowboy Bebop in the sense that this world is dark and there are people out there who will try to hurt you. (Not saying that people are out to get you, but saying that some people may try to hurt you if given the chance.) But it differs in the sense that Outlaw Star has the use of magic and some new ideas and concepts. While Cowboy bebop, to me, seems more realistic and believable with what is already out there in Science Fiction and our technology today. Both are about the future

I don't know why I'm attracted to these types of anime, but I believe that the future will not be such a nice place. The past wasn't a nice place to live, the present has gotten better but still not the greatest, and the future is unknown. It's kind of scary to see what people can do if they have the will to do it. North Korea now has nuclear technology. But, I still believe that what we create today will last for some time and direct the future. Whether it be good or bad, those are the two directions that we influence with our actions.

So What am I doing?

That's a good question. I talk a lot about doing something to make this place better. But still, I've felt like I haven't been doing too much.

I got involved with a kids camp last month and did some positive things there. I hope that my mistakes will not cause any future harm to the kids, but I do believe that God will do miracles if we ask Him. Not the way we want them to be done all the time, but in God's own way and wisdom.

I just hope that our actions as counselors will cause positive growth in these kids who come. The kids had a good time, and I hope that they'll continue to have good experiences at this camp, and other camps. I know that it's not us who cause things to grow in the kids, we're only the seed that begins something in someone else. God causes things to grow.

I have been wondering what I can do personally. To be honest, I haven't been doing much. I am looking to get more involved in stuff at church, and I'm hoping that we'll get involved in the community around us. My church is not filled with people from the neighborhood. In fact, I think that there isn't anybody from the neighborhood surrounding our church, that goes to the church.

To tell you something that I heard from one of my friends. The United States is the third largest missions field in the world. There are a lot of people in this country that do not know God or Jesus. The United States is not a Christian country as seen by the evidence shown in our movies, magazines and other things that happen here.

My friend told me, "you can't keep waiting around for something to happen. You've got to get involved." Involved...making my life count...affecting others in a positive way.

It's tough, because our pastor has done things to try to reach out to the neighborhood, and has had doors slammed in his face. A clash of cultures...maybe. I don't know what the neighborhood thinks of us, but really we've got to do more to reach out.

Don't get mad...

Someone once told me, "Don't get mad if people don't respond the way you want them to." I guess that's good advice.

For some reason, it seems like people aren't responding to me lately. I can only conclude that it's not them, but something that I'm doing wrong. Or maybe it's something that I don't know about going on with them. Anyhow, I shouldn't worry about things in my friendships and relationships.

Over this past year, I've found that it's best not to expect anything from anyone. People have good days and bad days, and sometimes they'll respond and sometimes they'll just want to be left alone. I know that I don't have very good rapport with a lot of people, but I know that with practice, anything is possible.

Over time, if you work hard and long enough, and happen to be in the right place at the right time, then good things will come. That's my hope. I know that bad things come too, and sometimes you don't reap any benefits for the hard work that you've put in. But, I do know that you grow as a result of the hard work and that by becoming a better person, good things do come. Maybe not right away, but later. Maybe not even in your lifetime.

Know this also, if you do evil things, or bad things, then you will also reap the consequences from those also. From my past, I'm still reaping the consequences for my actions. It does affect my relationships and it does affect how people treat me. I can't blame my past for why people treat me a certain way, but only that I have full responsibility for who I am today from my past actions and my past way of thinking and how I viewed things before.

But change is possible. It's hard, but it's possible. My life is a lot better because of a lot of hard work on my part, and by a lot of people around me. You might not believe this, but my brother, who became Christian in college, prayed for me through my struggles, and even though things didn't turn out better all at once, over 5-7 years, things got a lot better. God did some great work in my life because of my brother and his friends and church, and my friends. Prayer is heard.

Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with my past. It's part of who I am. It's part of my struggles today.

I tell myself, "The actions you take today determine your life tomorrow."

It may not be easy to see how your life changes, but over time, the small things that you do, whether good or evil, determine which path you walk. Each thing is a little step, in my opinion.

Final thoughts
So, I guess what I'm saying is, despite how people treat me now, I really don't worry about things like that anymore. I have good friends who don't try to hurt me. And even though I'm not the most popular person out there, I do have one or two good friendships. Even if everyone abandons me, I still have God. I can't blame anyone for how another person treats me. I shouldn't blame myself, even though it may be very well the cause of why. The only thing that I can do, is work on what I do.

My parents told me that Jack Nicholaus, the famous golfer, said in an interview (about what I'm guess people said about him on the golf course), "I can't help what other people say or think. I can only help what I can do." (Paraphrased by me, because I actually didn't hear the interview.) But the basic meaning behind that is, you only have so much control over life. What other people say or do or think is not in your power. You only have the power to do, say, and think things in your own life.

My mom would tell me, "does it matter what they think?" "no," I would reply. "Then don't let it bother you."

It bothers me, but I've learned to care more about what I think more than what other people think. Even though I do get mad, I try not to let it bother me in the long run.

Anyway, enough idealism for today. Just trying to write some things down for my benefit.

Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning...

I have been cleaning up my room. It's a mess. Before, you couldn't even walk in it. Now you can at least walk around. If you didn't know, I am a pack rat. I keep almost everything that I own, and it's hard for me to throw away things. But for the sake cleanliness, I am. heh

Anyway, my dad has been on my case to clean up my room. It looks a lot better now than it did a couple of days ago. Still a big mess in the back of my room though. But for now, it's good for the day.

Cleaning up, I've found what people wrote to me for Christmas and birthdays. It's pretty thoughtful of people to write a card saying how they've seen you grow, or how they're looking forward to visiting you now that they're living near you next year.

Sunday, a day for growing
It was a low to high day for me. Low being that I see the flaws within me and how people react to me. High being that I know that despite my flaws, I can change and become a better person.

Sunday shouldn't be the only day to grow. It should be continuous throughout the week. But I find that through my struggles on Sunday, do I get motivated to grow. It's hard for me to step out and reach out right now. It's not fun to go into a place where most people already know each other already, and you're the new guy. (Granted that it was only today, because I went into the adult sunday school class). But, I've found that struggles are struggles, because it's something that we're not good at. Starting is pretty tough, but depending on how good you get, it will get easier as you go along.

Maybe I'll do what I did my freshman year. Forget boundaries, and take chances that I wouldn't usually take. This won't be a maybe, this has to be a must if I'm going to go anywhere.

Anyway, got to get ready for tomorrow.

One more week...

I'll be unemployed next week. Next Friday is my last day of work. I know that it's time to move on.

The best part about the job is seeing different articles that you wouldn't see if you weren't working at this job. There are some pretty cool Japanese articles. I saw one today about "web diaries and why people post" in a psychology magazine. It was in Japanese, and I didn't have time to read it, but it shows that there is some good stuff out there.

However, the worst part of the job is also having to copy some of the articles too. Some things are better left unseen. There was an article where they were cutting someone's eye open for surgery. Not a pretty sight. The medical articles are just not a good thing to look at if you're not a doctor. Another thing better left buried was a picturebook of horrors in Japanese. Just disgusting...some showed people decapitated, or things kind of like that. I think that it was a book about punishments or something like that from the late 1800s to early 1900s. (Note that if you go into any type of room that is not left for the public, then you might see some bad things.)

Yeah, I got to see where they stored some books. For instance, did you know that under the Undergraduate library, next to the parking lot, is a room full of storage books? You enter through the cafeteria. Well, a door close to it. heh.

Anyway, this job was definitely a gift from God. I prayed for a job two years back, and I received a job a week later. I looked for one at the Eastern Library and received no response. But my friend, whom I told I was looking for a job, found me a job at his office. I couldn't have asked for a better situation in terms of my hours, flexibility, and just the people that I met through this job. It has been one of the best experiences that I have received.

Granted it's not all fun and games here at the library. I worked hard hauling books in the rain and hot sun. Because I was carrying too much, I strained my back a couple of weeks ago. I now have weak fingers from picking up books and photocopying. But all in all, these things are really small compared to the benefits that I have received.

It's time to move on. I know it...finding a job will come. I'm sure that I can find a job temporarily until I feel confident enough to use my Japanese.

Anyway, no bother worrying about things. Just take one step at a time...

Sorry for not posting for awhile. I've been trying to get things together. Cleaning up my room, trying to study Japanese, and just working at my old job for the time being.

As of right now, I'm finding jobs for Japanese on the web. There's hope for my career in Japanese. My short term goal for this month is to read articles on the web. I'm going to try to see what they write about the war in Iraq. Seeing it through a country outside of the US might give me some insight as to how they view war and what they focus on. Still, I have to read the articles. Anyway, I'm going to read some articles before I go to sleep.

The nihongo noryoku shiken, (Japanese proficiency test), will be coming up. I have to decide soon as to what level I'm going to try for. Level 3 is something that I might be able to do. Level 4 isn't worth trying for, because I could do better. Level 2 might be a little tougher. Anyway, I have some time to decide, I'm set on at least level 3.

There are 4 levels for this test. Level 4 is the easiest, level 1 is the hardest. If you pass it, you get a certificate that says you passed a certain degree of understanding in Japanese. It will be helpful for anybody who is trying to get a job in Japanese that needs the proof. The deadline is coming up sometime in October. Anyway, I'll post the link for the test later. Right now, I've got to study.

Anyway you can find the main page here. If you're looking for the noryoku shiken, then you can find it here. Also note that the last page that I posted is mainly for people living in the US. If you're looking to take it outside the US, then the deadline has already passed.

If you're looking to take it next year, make sure that you read up on it, because they're very strict when it comes to the time that you send in your application and how your handwriting looks.

Home again

California was great. I spent a lot of time with my relatives. To be honest, I wasn't looking forward to going, but when I got there, everything changed. My family there took good care of me and my brother.

I didn't meet any of my friends down there, but I guess I didn't keep in touch with any of them, so that's understandable. I wonder what they're doing now.

Anyway, I'm back home safe and sound.

Thinking...about the past

My old roommate would tell me not to think. Not because I think too much, but because he thought that I am stupid. (Actually, I think that he just liked making fun of me.)

There was a time when I used to care what everyone thought about me. I was not a happy person. But now, I try not to care what other people think about me. Or about another person's opinion that I disagree with. I try to care enough about the person that I will try to talk to them if I think they are wrong, but usually I stay silent because I am not good with words. I find that sometimes I'd rather say nothing at all because I do in fact care too much about what other people think.

It's up and down with me. It's not consistent in how I act. But I figure on some days, "Why not?" On some other days, "I'd rather not." The former because life is really short. The latter, because I just don't feel like it.

I guess the reason why I write these things is for my own personal sanity. Sometimes you've got to think about the wrongs in your past and correct your own thinking with what is right. I know that I'm not stupid. I know that my roommate doesn't know me all that well. I know that I have my strengths and my weaknesses and I am unique. Everyone is unique. No one else is the same out there...unless you're a clone...then, I don't know what to tell you. But still, you'd still be unique in my book.

People can say anything. People will hurt you sometimes. But a person has to bounce back and not let things bother them. A person has to be grounded on what he/she knows to be true. That's how I get through each day. I counter the things that I know to be not true with things I know that are true.

Anyway, enough preaching by me. But yeah, I do feel a certain way now. I won't go into details, but yeah, I have a lot of work to do.

California Dreamin'

I'm visiting my family down here in California. We went to Disneyland California Adventure Tuesday and hit Magic Mountain today. Since school was in session, the lines were super short! I was on the rides in 5 minutes for some. Goliath, at Magic mountain took me only the long walk to get on. It was great. The park was almost empty compared to the busy season of summer.

My favorite part of this trip was not so much the things we did, but the time that we spent together as a family. We played DDR, Madden, NFL2K5 (aka ESPN football), hung out and ate meals together. It has been good to touch base with them again.

I will miss my time here. For not wanting to go, I'm glad that I did. It seems like I can just leave things like my job situation and other concerns aside for now. A much needed break in the daily routine.

Direction

I'm not sure why, but it doesn't seem like I'm going to go to Japan any time soon. I guess I have to find a job here in the states.

I know that my Japanese isn't very good right now, and I should improve it before I go to Japan. I still think that I should go to Japan as an English teacher, but now doesn't seem like the right timing. I don't think that I'll go soon, because complications have come up.

I can see why I wouldn't go to Japan right now. Things just aren't worked out. But still, I'm thinking that within a year, I might be able to go. That's my goal. However unlikely it seems now.

The reason why I wanted to go to Japan after college was that I felt that my Japanese skills could improve a lot. I felt that I would come back to the states after a year or so and get a job using Japanese.

It seems now that my plans that I've set in my heart will not come to pass. One of my friends told me that going to Japan isn't something that you should lightly decide to do. I guess I feel like I really don't want to go to Japan right now. There's still more growth that I need in my life.

Maybe two or three years down the road, I might go. But now, I'm not sure.

It's a pattern throughout my life. I start something late, and I follow through with it later. For example, I started Judo my Junior year of high school. I was asked to go to Japan for an exchange, but complications made me go a year later, the summer after I graduated. Usually you're not supposed to go your senior year, but they made an exception for me.

Yeah, I was angry my Junior year, but God worked out the trip my senior year for His glory. I became Christian partly because of my trip to Japan and the timing of how things worked out. It's unbelievable how things were laid out step by step.

Despite how things look now, I'm sure that God has plans for my life. Despite the plans that I set in my heart, God will determine my steps. Things don't turn out the way you want them to all the time, but we have only so much control in our lives and other people's lives. Really, we're not in control, because so many things could happen that we don't foresee. (Not saying that you have no control over your life, but saying that you only have so much control. The world is too huge for us to control.)

Anyway, I've got to make use of my time here in the states and find a job. I've got to practice Japanese in my spare time. I've got to grow into maturity. I really don't have to do any of these things, but I want to follow through with these plans despite how late I am.

I know that things will be alright with whatever happens. Because no matter what happens, God will always be there.

Reading through "Reaching for the Invisible God" has reminded me to spend time with Him today. Man, it seems like I have so little time now that I am out of school. I've got to choose carefully how I spend my time.

Some last minute thoughts

I made some mistakes today and in the past. I make mistakes. I'm human. I'm not perfect. But, the important thing is to learn from them and not make the same mistakes over again. The reason why I can't sleep right now, is that I keep on rethinking the mistake that I made today.

Anyway, one of the mistakes that I'll mention is I gave a little bit of money to a person on the street, and I wasn't thinking, and gave on impulse. She made me feel sorry for her so I gave her $5 to get food and a bus fare home. I really think that she was lying to me after I saw her walk away with a big smile on her face. She walked to the next person behind me to beg for money.

Lesson, you've got to really think what a person's motive is when they're asking you for something. My brother tells me that I'm too good natured and that people take advantage of me because they can.

I'm slowly learning and I have shut some people down. I've got to learn how to be shrewd though, yet innocent of any wrong.

Right now, I'm not going to give anybody any money who asks me, because I don't know what they're going to do with it, and basically people need to find a job rather than beg.

Food I'll help them attain, and groceries. But money is a tool that can be used for evil.

Man, I felt really stupid. And I know that some of you might be thinking that I'm stupid. But know this, I know who I am and my weaknesses and strong points. I am not stupid. And I don't care if anybody thinks that I'm stupid. What matters to me is learning from these mistakes and becoming wiser. I write this down so that other people may know that giving money will not help a person, but rather could hurt the person you gave money to. Or it could hurt another person.

I was pissed off right after I gave her the money, because I knew that she had tricked me. Bad things can happen when you act on impulse. Sometimes good things happen, but really, I need to slow down, and think about things before I act.

First Time Staffing; an experience I'll always remember

Camp was great for many reasons. The kids were all awesome, the crew that we had worked well together, (God provided people to serve in the crew last minute), and through prayer from many people, things worked well for the kids.

I don't know how many people prayed, but I know that the staff at camp prayed for us everyday.

It was a miracle in itself seeing that the kids had a good time. One of our crew members is a 1st grade teacher who did very well with the kids. Without her, I think that I would have freaked out, because she knew how to keep the kids under control and keep their attention. All of us, except CA and the first grade teacher, were newbies.

First day
The first day, I wasn't sure what to expect. I came with CN and it was very lucky that I asked C if I should bring my sleeping bag. He said, "yeah." The form that I signed up with was a guest form, and not a staff form, so I chose the best lodging, because I thought that that is what everyone else would choose.

Apparently there was another form which I was supposed to get from the leader of the group to sign up for staff housing. I'm not going to complain too much, but really, someone should have told me or wrote on the form which housing was for which housing. Part of the blame lies on me for not asking any questions though. It's really no big deal, but things had to be set straight as to where we were to stay when we got to camp.

I'm glad that I stayed with the two other guys, because we had some great conversations about what happened during the day and just random things. CA and CN are very funny. I really should spend more time with them, but I know that they're really busy. Anyway, I guess it doesn't hurt to email or call them once in awhile.

The first night of camp, we played a name game. We tossed a ball to another person and said their name. It was going pretty good.

However, before we started, two girls just hugged each other and cried. I think that they haven't started school yet, and haven't learned to be away from their parents. I didn't know what to do, and neither did my friend. But luckily the first grade teacher was there and she came and stood by them, while me and the other guy went to join the group.

I was stressed out to tell you the truth. I thought that I didn't know how to act around kids, and that I would ruin some of their lives. But this camp showed me that there is more to things than what we think.

Day 2
I wasn't really looking forward to day 2. The first night went by kind of slowly and the morning went by even more slowly. It lasted 3 hours and it was a challenge to find things to keep the kids interested. Luckily the teacher found things to keep the kids interested. It showed me that worrying doesn't help any, but finding something that is helpful will be very useful.

However, things went well for the second day, and I was surprised that the kids responded to me. Just by being there, they responded. I'm not a talker.

I really don't know why the kids liked me, but I know that they did. Maybe not all of them, but I think that nobody held a grudge against me.

Day 3
Saturday mornings I usually sleep in from a long night of playing video games after work is done on Friday. I slept in and missed breakfast, and I went straight to the classroom after I got ready. I was giving the lesson for that session.

I struggled with it, and I could see that the kids weren't interested. I said, "I know that this isn't the most fun thing in the world." And after I repeated that a little later a kid said, "You said that already..." Basically my message was about a servant heart. Because Jesus loves us, he serves us and how we should love one another and serve one another.

The craft probably wasn't the most fun thing, but I think that some kids will learn some good things from it. I had doubts about my abilities and about the craft.

CN was very supportive of me throughout the whole camp and afterwards. On the car, I was doubting that I am this and that. He told me "you shouldn't sell yourself short by thinking that you can't do these things." I can see why he does well and part of why he is such a great guy.

"You'd be surprised what a person can do," as one of the people I met at school said. He was in the army before. He was talking about what a person is able to do with what seems really tough to do.

I surprised myself. But, the credit for what I did does not belong to me. God worked in the people and He put this together so well. I was very nervous about interacting with kids, but I learned to love them. That I believe, was not given by my own doing, but through Him who loves me and them.

Day 4
That was today. I was kind of looking forward to the end of camp, but not looking forward to it. I was having such a good time and I felt so happy to be with other believers. The kids were the greatest. They all are unique and they all have their own personalities. Each one of them is a miracle in itself. Each one of them will become someone great. The parents are all godly parents, and it shows in the kids.

I had trouble with two kids today. Both were siblings and they kept on messing with each other's stuff. I am lucky to have other people there to help me to control the situation and to help them to understand that they're not doing their work.

The teacher said, "after all this time, I'm disappointed in how little you both have got done." Both were goofing around and had a hard time paying attention or keeping focus. I was getting a little bit angry, but I didn't blow up. I had to ask the younger one if if I should separate them. The younger one shook his head. I think that I was a little harsh in what I said afterwards, but hopefully the younger one will not carry any scars.

I was stressed out again. But I had fun and I know that the kids had fun too.

Teamwork
CN was very thankful for each person that came. It wouldn't have gone so well if it weren't for each person. 3 guys, 3 gals. I am glad that it is done, but I was so happy throughout all of camp. It was a very rewarding experience to work with these people and the kids. It was a positive experience, and I learned that children are really great.

What to say Lord, it's you who gave me life...
I had fun. It was refreshing to get to know the members better. I am glad that I went. I guess what I learned is, you need to have a faith like a child in how you trust God, forgiving other people as He forgave me, and by being obedient to Him.

The last one I struggle with the most, because I think that God wants me to do something sometimes, and I really don't want to do it. Sometimes when I'd obey and I wouldn't even know why or if He told me to actually do that. It made no sense at all. So, I'm reluctant to do things that I think that God wants me to do.

But I guess, if I'm to follow after Him, I need to find where He wants me and go there. I went this past weekend and found something that I've lacked a lot. Time with God and time with believers. Time in ministry serving others who are not believers.

It was positive, and I'm very thankful that I went. However, I would still have to pray about it again, if I were to go again. Fear comes to mind...of what? The same things that I was afraid of to begin with. But, what can I say, wherever He is telling me to go, I need to go.

Japan?
I'm not sure if God is calling me to Japan. I'm having doubts and fears. It's so easy to fall in Japan. I don't know if this is the right timing, because of a report I heard from one of my friends about how things actually are there. Discrimination is more common I think in Japan. I don't know, but if I go to Japan, I would like to go through a missionary program. I wouldn't want to go to through a secular program because of all the junk that I've been reading. Who knows...if I don't go now, will I ever go? Not sure.

I really don't want to go to Japan. Maybe that's a sign that I shouldn't go. But if I don't go, then what? What am I going to do with my life? Maybe I need to take another step of faith and go. Still, I need to meditate more about this.

Skeletons in the closet

So about now, you've seen probably some of the bad points about me. Yeah, I have a lot of work to do on myself.

I am not perfect and have to work to become a better person. But, I've come a long way from where I used to be.

Anyway, I really don't care what anybody thinks of me. I know who I am.

About the last two posts that I deleted, I was thinking irrationally and have thought these things through now. I shouldn't get angry or jealous over what other people have, and I should try to be happy for the great things that they have. Even though I do get angry and jealous, people have the right to be happy and shouldn't really focus on me, but on what is more important.

Regardless of what I think, everyone should do what is best for themselves. That is why I say that I have a lot of work to do on myself, because I have to become more secure in who I am and who I know I am. People need to do what's best for them regardless of what anybody else thinks.

However, don't get me wrong in that sometimes what your friends and family say may actually be good advice. Not all the time. But the people who do care for you will speak up and tell you what they think about what you're doing and what they think is best.

Anyway, think what you want, this is only my opinion.

rethinking Japan

Not sure if Japan is right right now. Maybe someday, but I'm not sure if I'll go until I can go with the right program. There's one in particular that I'm interested in. But, it's not possible right now. I'm still chewing on what is best for me.

Apologies again

Anyway, I'm sorry again for the past two posts that I deleted. I shouldn't have said most of that and I will be held accountable for every word that I said. Anyway, sorry again.

Sometimes you've got to wonder

I think a lot. Maybe I think too much. Maybe I should just go and do something besides thinking, but it has become a habit of mine to just think and ponder about things.

I think about the past and the present, and what will happen in the future. It's good to think, but sometimes I wonder why I continue to think about what is gone, what could happen, what just happened.

I think the happiest I've been is when I just did stuff. I wouldn't recommend that all the time, because it could lead into something really bad. But when I didn't think about the fears and the worries of life and just took a chance, I was really happy.

Don't get me wrong, you should think about things and not plunge into things, because it could lead to some bad stuff later in the future. I'm not saying to not think, but what I'm talking about here is taking chances to make your life better.

I wonder why I think so much about the past. It was both good and bad. I guess that it makes up the majority of who I am. My memories of what I did and what I said.

Phillipians chapters 2 and 3 are my favorite chapters of the bible. There's lots of good stuff in those two chapters. Chapter two has helped me in my friendship with one of my friends Ricky. He's been a really good friend to me.

Anyway, enough babbling, but I will end here. Thinking is good, but what I am planning to do is forget what is behind and strain forward towards Christ. Abstract, but what I'm talking about is putting my past behind me, and working to become more like Christ.

Not an easy thing to do. Never easy, but I hope that I can grow a lot more in these next couple of years.

Cooled down

About the last two posts that I deleted...sorry guys for writing all that. I was irrational, and I said some things I shouldn't have. Anyway, I'm sorry.

Anime Sale

Apparently www.animenation.com is having a sale on Bandai anime like Cowboy Bebop, Escaflowne, Gundam, and other quality anime.

Man, if only I waited a year to buy Cowboy Bebop from Animenation. I got ripped off last year at the price that I bought it at. I did buy it at Animenation, but it cost me $152 and they gave me a used scratched DVD in Session 5 out of 6. I swore that I'd never buy from them again, but this looks like it might be worth taking a chance.

Anyway, I buy from a different anime store now. www.animecornerstore.com has so far given me better DVDs than animenation. But, if you could find it cheaper elsewhere, I'd go with them. However, if you're looking to collect anime, then animecorner is probably the better place to go. But yeah, shop around. www.anipike.com is a place where you can get access to a variety of websites.


The sale is only for this week, so it might end tomorrow.


Anyway, just thought that I'd post this, because Bandai does put out some good anime most of the time. I haven't seen all of them, but the one's I did see besides Saber Marionette, I liked.

I however, probably won't buy anything from them, because I have no spare cash lying around.

Camp planning

We planned for camp today. It was good in that we got lots of progress done. All that remains is just seeing what we have planned through. I have some uneasiness with this, but I'm sure that it will be a good experience.

I stayed up till 4 last night working on ideas. I have the beginnings of what might seem like a lesson, but I will try to turn it into a skit with lessons behind it. But we'll see how it turns out.

Updates
This is a just an update. Nothing too interesting.

On a side note however, our mayor has prohibited serving meals to the hungry in the park after 4pm. The program, kept going by private donations and a collection of churches, was moved to a park because the safety building is going to be demolished.

I can see that there are some problems with the park, but still, after about 2 years, they haven't found a better place. So the hungry went hungry for 2 days, until the city allowed another meal on Thursday night.

Even though it was prohibited, people protested and served on Wednesday despite threats of being cited. My friend attended and said that it was pretty amazing to see how people came to help out. I personally didn't want to go, because I felt like I'd get thrown in jail or something like that. But still, it was a worthwhile cause and if you didn't notice, the mayor responded.

There is no permanent solution to homelessness, but still, efforts must be made here in the city to fight it. Some here in the city may never get off the streets, simply because they need more help than the city is willing to give. Some of the people who are homeless are mentally ill, and basically funding ran out for the places that were helping them, and the mentally ill were left without any support. They ended up on the streets.

Basically, Jesus tells us in Matthew 25:34-46 about the poor. My roommate told me, "when you see the poor, you should see Jesus." I wonder how great God is...and how I'll never really understand Him, until I share in His ministry. I've been part of the ministry for a little bit, but still, I should be participating more.

Giving people food, clothing, and shelter is a good thing, but note that you must be "as shrewd as serpents, and as innocent as doves." Be careful.

Is my help helping people or hurting people?

I am always reluctant to give money to people. You'll never know what they will use it for later. My brother would buy gift certificates from McDonalds and give people those. I'd say that that's a more productive solution than giving people money to buy beer or drugs or knives.

People will take advantage of you if you're not careful. People become dependant when they see that they can. Call me cynical, but sometimes people are homeless for a reason.

However, there are some people who are actually working to get off the streets. Granted that's not everyone, but a lot of the homeless aren't lazy, they just can't find jobs.

It's not that hard to land on the streets. A person could just have some bad luck and find themselves sleeping on an asphalt bed.

However, programs like feeding the Hungry and others that give people what they NEED and NOT what they can USE for whatever they want. Food and clothing are definate needs. In my opinion, people who don't work may never find themselves off the streets. Some as stated before just don't have the ability.

But, ways that are more useful than giving someone a dollar could be creating and funding programs to fight homelessness and help people off the streets rather than hurting people by supporting their bad habits.

We have to question whether or not our help is helping people or hurting people. Is it being used to give them what they need to make their lives better, or are we doing something that is causing them to make their lives worse?

It's not easy. It takes discerning and willing people. It takes time and money. It is dangerous and people need to be consider their safety when they're dealing with homeless people. But, the homeless are people loved by God and He died for them too.

Everywhere is a mission field. This world is fallen.