Things change

For some things in my life, they haven't. A lot of my friends are growing and moving on with their lives. I know that in my life, that I need to make some changes. It all depends on me and God. If I decide to improve and work for a better future, then maybe some things will happen in my life also.

Tonight, I could help but feel like a loser. It seems like history is repeating itself again. And I'm at that age where I need to make decisions because I need to make them and not let others make them for me. I guess nobody really knows what I'm writing about, but then again, this is a public blog and why would I mention anything too detailed about my personal life.

Anyway, my friends are trying to help me and I appreciate that, but it's no good unless I try to improve. If I do nothing, it means no improvement and staying a loser.

Anyway, I feel like I just don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to do anything it seems like. And I escape from everything instead of going face on against those problems.

Complaining won't help anymore. And yes, this blog is getting depressing. I was at one point doing okay. But it seems like I need to get back to the basics and start doing what I used to do and not get discouraged when things don't work out.

i'm going to take my friend's advice that he gave me today. I'll update one week next sunday.

It's been a long time since I last blogged. A lot has been happening in my absence, but I figured it's all not worth mentioning...nothing really newsworthy.

I feel like a lot things are happening so much to people around my age and my siblings. I don't know how to describe it, but it seems like reality is hitting us all in different ways.

As for me, I am feeling depressed and really just not wanting to face life right now. Maybe I need a vacation or something like that. But I don't feel like it will help. Rest is not what I need right now, it's got to be something else.

This past day being Sunday, I felt like maybe I missed out on something again. I didn't make it to church for the 7th or 8th consecutive week and I can't help but feel like I'm not knowing what God has in store for me to do. I also don't want to find out.

Maybe I've forgotten a lot of what happened in college and the times of growth that I had spiritually. But as of the past two years, I've been feeling like the world is just kicking my butt and that I'm growing more and more bitter and feeling more like a loser everyday.

Anyway, I don't know what I'm trying to say, but I'm just tired of everything right now and I don't want to face anything right now. I guess i can't help what the world does. I can only help what I can do myself and try to rely on God throughout these times. It seems like the only constant that has been good in my life has been God. I guess I can't really turn to anyone else right now.

Recently I've been feeling really stupid. I'm doing alright to other people in terms of what I'm doing, but I just feel really stupid quite often. Maybe it's how old I am and how I haven't changed since I was a kid, or just the fact that I can't grasp things as quickly as others. It does take me longer to learn things, but once I got them down, I can access them pretty quickly in my memory.

I guess it will take a lot more work for me to get to where I need to be.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about the past recently. I was not doing well a long time ago in Jr. High school and High school. It really was God at work that brought me out of it. The one person I have to thank is my oldest brother who prayed for me throughout that time I was struggling and all the other people he asked to pray for me. I keep on thinking what I'm doing with my life right now and why I'm not remembering where I came from and what I've been through. I wanted to do something useful as an occupation where I could help people and change people's lives for the better. But as of right now, I'm just working and not doing very much other than my job. I know that I could do more if I got involved in church. Which brings up another thing...I went to my church retreat this past weekend.

Being at the church retreat this past weekend reminded me of how nice people at church are. I saw some old faces that I haven't seen for awhile. If only I could get up in time for church. I told myself that I would just go to church regardless of how late I am from now on. Even if church is over, I will hang out with my friends afterwards and drive up. So from now on, church every week.

Anyway, time is passing by so quickly that I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know why I'm here still and what purpose I have here. I have no direction and I guess the reason being that I haven't sought out and really prayed for direction.

anyway, I'm sounding like a broken record that has written this time and time again on this blog since 5-7 years ago. Maybe I should stop writing on this blog for awhile and start spending more time with God.

I'm sooooooorrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy

This past weekend, I saw "Wanted." Great movie. I loved watching it. There was this one scene where the main character was getting chewed out by his boss and he was having an anxiety attack. His heartbeat pumped faster and things slowed down while he apologized his voice grew deep and went in slow motion. I'm sssssoooooooorrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyy. Or so goes the scene.

Anyway, it was pretty fantastical and an entertaining movie.

Today was a craptastic day. It started out bad. I knew last night that things were going to get bad when I stayed up too late.

I woke up late....way late..and my dad came home from his golf game. He basically made me feel bad, again, for being late and also not getting the oil changed in my car. I skipped breakfast and went to work.

Work was not good as I wasn't feeling good because of not eating breakfast and just all the worries of the day ahead of me. What does everyone think of me in this new position? What am I supposed to do? What am I doing now? How am I supposed to find my guys I'm in charge of work to do? Man, I can't stand this music....etc. was going through my head that day.

Leaving for the soccer game early, I kept on thinking...what does everyone think of me showing up late and leaving early? Have I become like someone else in the company? I told myself that I don't want to be a bad example to the other workers and here I am just failing at that.

Anyway, at the soccer game, I couldn't concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing. I didn't feel good and I kept on getting distracted by what other people were talking about while I was filming. I was missing some key plays and not really doing my job all that well. I was shaky, and I was nervous and upset.

Anyway, there were a lot of worries I had today. I guess I need to learn how to deal with them and also to start the day out right. The things today are done and gone. Now I need to focus on getting my next day right.

The great thing about night and day is that each day can be different. We're told not to worry about tomorrow because each day has enough trouble of its own. And when I think about those words, I keep on thinking how I should make some time for God. I'm reminded that even though people will not like you or have problems with you, that God will always be cheering for you to do well and to do the right thing. And that there will also be a great cloud of witnesses cheering you on too.

So often I wonder why we can't get along in this world. But I know that we often come from different places and don't make connections. We don't try to make things right with others and we just view them with contempt or as a weirdo or some "other" type of person.

I know that God wants all people to come to know Him. And I guess I can't help what others do. I can talk to them, but I can't change them. I can only do what I can do with my life and my relationships with others. And if people don't like me, then that's fine. Nobody has to care about me. I guess this was a good thing to happen to me today. That I experienced such a crappy day.

It wasn't all bad. My friends were really nice to me and tried to cheer me up. I guess I could have had a better time in my time today. I could have been happier and I could have had some more joy. We all make our own sandwich right? We all make our own happy and sad times. It just depends on our outlook on life.

The story about you making your own sandwich...comes from this book about this gymnast or something like that. Anyway, it was in a movie too based upon that book.

"You complain too much. You remind me of this guy I used to work with at construction. Whenever it came to lunch time he would have this sad face and say,
'peanut butter and jelly again!? I hate peanut butter and jelly.' Everyday he would say the same thing.

Finally one day, we said to him, 'Why don't you just ask your old lady to make you something else if you hate it so much?'

He said, 'what old lady?'

You make your own sandwich in life."

Anyway, his point was that we can change things in our lives just by changing our lives in general. It's not always someone else's fault. I guess I'm making a crappy sandwich in life. Well...time to change.

So yeah, in my last post, i was a little frustrated. I think I may have thought about it too much. A simple question released a lot of what was going through my head.

Anyway, I cooled down a little bit more. I'm finding that through these days of doing the daily grind and not doing much with my life, I'm just thinking way too much.

Well, a change that happened today was that I actually went to church. I missed service though, so a majority of what happened there is absent from my memory. It was the last day of service for the youth pastor at our church. He felt God calling him elsewhere and it is a hard decision, but the church felt that he should pursue that by letting him go after about 2 years after he announced that. The youth pastor has no immediate job and will be looking for what God has in store for them.

I always enjoyed his sermons as they were challenging and true to the current days of life. He talked about 911, the talents and how it's not about the money, and how God works through so many people without us realizing it. So many others I missed though...but those three stand out.

Anyway, I will miss him. He definitely did some great work at my church and I know that he'll do great work where God has called him.

I keep on thinking about my life and how I'm missing what God has in store for me. I could be doing so much more with my life. I know that praying is a good start, but praying doesn't mean that it'll happen magically, but that I need to be alert and active for the answer to the prayer.

Anyway, it was good to be back at church, even if I missed the majority of it. I told myself that I will come every week, regardless of how late I am. That's a good habit to have and maybe I'll see more of what I'm missing these days.

It's already almost July and it has been 1 year since I came back from Japan. I kind of want to do something productive. Maybe God is messing with my internet connection as a sign to tell me to spend less time on WoW and more time doing something useful. heh. Or, it could be something else. Anyway, it has been good to spend less time on WoW. Anyway, nothing productive comes from wasting time in an alternate reality.

My question then becomes with my life, "for what purpose?"

Today, I was talking with one of my friends about life and how I feel like life is passing me by. I told him about what I could be doing with my life and what I could be focusing on. My friend has a wider scale of life than I do and he mentioned that I could be living for something bigger than myself.

That's all good and all. I used to think like that, but then it became, "how do i do that? and what bigger purpose would I be living for?" I still haven't found it yet.

So after the days I was thinking of this, I had no clue of what I would do and I needed a job, so I'm now in the working world.

I know that I should be living for God and trying to make everything count and make the most of every opportunity because the days are evil. meaning that you'll never know what happens in the future and you may never get another chance to talk with the person again.

Thinking about things, I tried to do that in college and yet I missed the point. I didn't really develop any friendships with the people that I met. I didn't really know how to. The most important thing was time and it was something that I had little of. The more I spent it with people, the less time I had to work on stuff in my studies. The more I studied the less time I had to really talk with other people.

Anyway, I don't know what the heck I'm trying to say, but I get the feeling that people think that I'm just not living for God. And I can't really communicate to others my reasons for doing things. Maybe I'm not living for God. Tell me how I can live for God and what exactly does that look like? Making it to church? yes. Praying? yes. Serving others? yes. Loving others as yourself? Yes. Loving God as your most important person in your life? yes. So what the heck am I not doing besides not making it to church?

The more I look at things, the reasons stated above are just trivial reasons. My friend would tell me that you should give your life to God and that everything you do should have a purpose. That's grand and all, but I fail to see how everything that I do, is for God. I mean, as a Christian we are God's ambassadors and we can reflect Him positively or negatively. Is that what he means? I don't think so. Maybe what he's trying to say is, your life purpose should be for Him. Does that mean your job? Does that mean, what you do after work? I know what he's saying is to glorify God in everything we do as human beings. And I know that he doesn't mean "being perfect."

What does he mean then? I know as human beings we will all make mistakes. We will all fail in some respect. We will all lose at something. But what the great thing about God is that He forgives us is we do something wrong. And as God loves us, so we should love one another.

I know that we will even fail in that too. But you've got to keep on trying.

So I know from experience that people will fail you. Just as I've failed them. But the great thing is that I've seen people take God seriously and forgive me for my failures. Not everyone though, but the few that have, I am friends with still to this day.

So what does living for God mean? What does giving your life to God mean? Well, not always putting yourself first and putting God and others first. Not meaning that you let everyone have their way with you, but really trying to do what God would do. And what does that look like? I guess I have to decide that for myself. Maybe that's what my friend was trying to hint at.

heh, man, a lot has been on my mind.

So then my next questions becomes...how do I relate that to where I'm at right now? What is it that God wants me to do?

I guess what my pastor said a long time ago..."it's not about doing all the time, but it's about being." So does it matter what I do? Yes it does. But I guess I need to be who God created me to be. And right now, I'm not who I am created to be.

What does "taking God seriously mean?" Well, I guess I have His words in a book to read. Maybe I should try to work that out into my life...and yeah...I guess I have to wrestle some more with them.

One guy wrote that we should not pray and expect God to work these things out in our lives magically if we are wanting to live out the bible. He wrote that we should be trying to figure out how we can live that out and what it looks like when we do come across that situation. I guess people do do that today.

Anyway, this probably doesn't make sense as it was just a lot of random thoughts of what was going through my head. It's still making me think a lot especially with where I could go next in terms of where I'm headed with my life.

To live one's life for God? What does that look like? And what does that mean? Things I struggled with in college and really got no direction from anybody. I think that that messed with me in terms of what I thought it looked like. And apparently to me it looks like not what you're doing all the time, but who you are. However, who you are should dictate what you do.

Anyway, nobody has given me a definite answer. And I don't think anybody can. And that is the annoying part. Because people tell me that I need to do something and nobody can help me through this. I guess wrestling is a one on one sport. And what's worse is that I always feel bad...

okay, so apparently I need to get a schedule in order...And stick to it. Okay...discipline...

Now I'm faced with a decision that could affect my next year or two. I'm not sure exactly what I should do. But if there's one thing that I've learned from my bible study was that "you should always turn to God first when making big decisions."

Everything in your life should be God centered and reflecting on this past year, I've seen that for me, it hasn't been. I've been mainly doing what I want to do. I've been goofing off, not hanging out, not making it to church, not cleaning my room or even doing what I know I should be doing in addition to those mentioned. I keep on writing about these things, but I know that I need to be responsible and reliable. I'm not able to do these thing anymore due to the fact that I keep on not forcing myself to go out and do what God would like me to do.

I know that the center of all this is spending time with God in the Bible, church, and prayer. It should be those that take up the center of my life as those will help me to have some kind of purpose here on earth. I'm thinking that maybe this is a wake up call for me to get on it and grow up.

Anyway, probably most of you out there could care less about what I decide or that I haven't been making it to church. But I know that some of you have been trying to get me to do those things. I won't say that I'm going to just up and do them spontaneously, but i'll start tonight...even though it is pretty late. I'll keep it short...for about 10 minutes. Start out small, and grow from there. (spend time with God.)

I know that God has great plans for me, but it depends on whether or not I'm listening to His direction. Maybe this was a wake up call for me...maybe God knew that I would make these choices and He's acting in my life after a period of letting me make mistakes. Whatever it is, I know that I can't do what I want to do all the time and it's going to take some sacrifice of some things for other things.

I wonder if I was meant to come to this point. Only time will tell. If I can succeed in this, then things will look better. But I guess it's starts now...and i don't know if I can do this anymore...but I'll try again and stick to it.

Anyway, nothing serious happened, but I'm just seeing that I'm going nowhere right now. And something did come up. Well, I trust that if I follow God then I'll be alright, regardless of the bad things that happen to me. This life is not the end. And there is more to this life on earth for the next life.

It's been awhile since I last posted. So what's new?

I've been playing the world of warcraft for these past 6 months. It has really sucked in a lot of my time. I've been late to work consistently because I keep on playing the game way late and I can 't get up. It has been a problem for me to wake up on time, so I'm taking a break for a week from warcraft to get myself back into the swing of things.

Speaking of swing, I started swing lessons. Just the basic class though. I really suck at it right now, but it is pretty fun. I think I will go on to the next class if they offer one. I saw one guy swing dancing tonight who was pretty good. It looked like he was pretty smooth and I'm sure that the woman dancing with him was having a lot of fun. I want to go dancing some more and learn how to be like that. heh.

Anyway, I was sure that I didn't want to do this before I signed up for lessons, but now I wish that I signed up earlier. The teachers are great and it's so much fun to be moving around and doing stuff that looks pretty cool, even though I am clumsy right now. All I can say is, man I want to get better.

It's a time in my life right now when I'm just sort of hanging around. I'm still living with my parents and I'm working a decent job. But one thing that someone told me was, "Don't get too comfortable." Things could be shaken up by mediocrity if you don't improve your life. you might get laid off, or things could change suddenly in some known area. He didn't tell me this, but I kind of got what he was trying to say. "Stay one step ahead of things so you won't get caught by surprise."

I know that things have to change in my life right now. I need to change things and right now, I'm going nowhere. I want to make some time for the things that really matter.

One reason why I'm taking a vacation from warcraft is that I've seen that there were lots of losers on warcraft. They say things like, "want to buy girls IRL," or they just say things that they wouldn't say in real life because they're anonymous on the internet with a screen name and not their real name.

One thing that comes to mind is that "a man reaps what he sows." Meaning that what you start building in your life is what you will receive in your life. It's not karma, it's not random things that you do will come back to you somehow. It's direct things you do, (what you think, what you say, what you work on, what you sin in,) those are the things that will come back to you, because you have experience in those things. There is a consequence for everything and it will affect you somehow in some way.

Right now, I know that I'm doing nothing with my life and I need to do something. If I am successful in making something good, then it will make my life happier. Right now, I need to do something to make some changes and make it to work on time, and to make myself into a better person.

Right now, this is talk...the real challenge comes in starting something and sticking to it.

So today is Monday, there was a retreat this past weekend...only I didn't go. I wanted to, but things just didn't work out. It sounded like people had a good time there and that the message was relevant to career age people.

Anyway, from what I heard from my friends, it did sound like I would relate to the message pretty well. I know that it all comes back to God and I haven't really been finding my purpose in this life because I haven't been spending it with God trying to work that out.

Anyway, I guess nobody can answer these questions I have except God and that requires me going back to basics. Anyway, enough talking...I've written about this for so long and writing about it doesn't help.

Live and learn...

I haven't posted in awhile, so I thought that I'd post something today.

Anyway, pretty eventful weekend. i guess every weekend this past 8 weeks has been eventful. But today, I had a good day. I guess I wonder what's the worst thing that could happen? I tend to think of the usual stuff that could happen. But when I do go, it usually comes out that "nothing bad" is the answer.

Anyway, I don't want to spend time writing about what happened this weekend, but lets just say that nothing really bad happened and as one of my friends said about life is that "80% of life is just being present." Something like that. I always worried about if I would mess up somehow and that would cause someone not to hang out with us or I would make people feel uncomfortable by my weirdness. But even though that tends not to be the case, I still have that in the back of my mind. I tend to think that life would be better for everyone else if i wasn't present there in that moment.

What usually happens is that people are glad to see me when I do show up. My mom told me today that I worry so much about the anxiety of what people will think about me that I tend to be late and that could give them a reason to have something against me. And thus my worries would be created by my own choices. I guess the only answer is to really get up and get in there in the face of life.

Self fulfilling prophecies and things that I worry too much about are in my head most of the time. Each person is important in this world, because each person is unique and can add something constructive to the world. But I tend to fear being that person who is destructive and brings people down...even though I really don't do that...I just fear that my words or actions will cause someone else to feel down or discouraged. Maybe the only way to counter that is to actually see if being and discovering who I am when I speak causes that.

Anyway, got to get out of this rut and make some progress. I've been stuck here too long and everyone else is way ahead of me. Anyway, there's a lot of good things that have been happening. I can see God at work in my life encouraging me to grow and make choices to better myself and others...

Hmm...I tend to write things down and forget about them later on. I say a lot of things about what I'm going to do and never get to them. This past Lent season showed me that I could live a much healthier life if I made changes to my life. And I could be in a better place because of that.

Anyway, I went to Easter service today. Some people I haven't seen for a long time were there. I feel like I've changed in a bad way in that I just seemed to have lost some of what I had before. I think I was a better person maybe 3-4 years ago. Even though there have been some good changes in me, I've lost a lot of my social skills.

Anyway, people are growing more mature and I'm not. People are becoming better people, and I'm still the same. I guess you can't become better at something unless you work at it. And that requires putting in the time to make it so. Not putting in the time will only cause you to not get any better at what you want to do.

I should make a schedule.

Blah blah blah blah blah....

I wrote some things and then I deleted them, because it wasn't anything interesting.

Anyway, one of my friends immed me this website

www.wowdetox.com

Stories from people who used to play wow or have addictions to wow. I must say that it is pretty interesting and helpful. It is also kind of funny sometimes, but depending on the story, it can be depressing.

Someone once told me that video games aren't very good for a person...the reason being that you spend the time alone instead of with other people. If you're playing with other people in the room then that's better, but still, because you are alone most of the time, that can lead to depression.

Anyway, it's been awhile since I last wrote.

What's new...nothing much really...I think that I need put certain things first before other things....that's about it.

Got to get going.

I'm reminded of things from the past in Japan. I remember certain things about some of the people. I guess it is a xenophobic place. It wasn't all fun and joy, but I know that things could have been a lot different there. I could have done more or prayed more or even went to church while I was there. But I didn't.

I can't change what happened in the past...my apathy because of my situation there as a failing teacher, but I wonder if maybe I'll ever go back someday.

Some memories are popping up now and then triggered by something like studying Japanese, a video game, or even just the mention of Japan and how I'm feeling at the moment.

I can only hope that I'll be wiser if I ever do go back to Japan. I don't ever want to work there again, because I just can't adapt to the working life there. I mean, what's the point of all these norms? What's the point of making work everything? I missed America while I was in Japan, because I'm used to things in America. It's not as strict, it's a little more understandable of weaknesses.

In Japan, it is a very class based society...and I could never meet their standards for how I "should be." And then, there was the language gap.

Maybe it was good that I came home. Who knows where I'd be if I stayed for another year. I don't know what purpose I had there, but I can only pray that the kids there would enjoy English and seek what's outside of Japan.

Overall, I'm glad that I did go to Japan for a year. I survived there on my own and proved that I can take care of myself. I saw the great scenery there and it was an experience of a lifetime, even though full of sorrows.

Being there I saw some similarities between Japan and America...both being negative similarities, but still it showed me that there's much more to this world than what's in your own country. I don't know what to say anymore...but I can only stress tolerance toward people who are different. Not everyone has to know English or Japanese if they live in those respective countries. Even though it does help to know the language.

Anyway, there were some great people that I met in Japan. Some others were against me, but some were really nice to me. I guess the only thing i can do now is maybe write a postcard and pray.

Okay, so even despite going to sleep early for the past few days, I keep on waking up late...so I'm thinking that either my system is trying to play catch up, or I just need to exercise and keep a consistent time that I go to sleep.

I remember someone saying that you'll sleep better if you sleep at a certain time everyday and wake up at a certain time everyday. Also if you don't sleep more than once a day either.

Anyway, I'm going to sleep

Reading the Bible for the past few days has been really good. I forgot a lot about what was in it. Anyway, it reminded me of some things that I used to have in my life.

One was, "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others." Phil 2:3-4

This chapter talks about the attitude of Jesus and how He obeyed God and died for us. It blows my mind that God's will for us is that great that He would do what was necessary through Himself. Basically dying for us.

Preparing for this Palm Sunday play, we are practicing every Sunday this one passage of scripture. It is pretty crazy in that Jesus would ask God to forgive us for doing what we did not know what we were doing.

And also in Friday fellowship where Jesus didn't want to go through this crucifixion yet He bowed down to God's will not Jesus' will.

Anyway how this all relates is that God does see all of us as His creation. And it's easy to forget. It's easy to forget that God does so much for all of us and wants all of us to know Him. In my life I have easily forgotten that even though people do not treat me right all the time, I'm not responsible for their actions, I'm responsible for my actions. And it does remind me of the verse,

"treat others the same way you want them to treat you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. If you do good to those who do good to you, what credit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. If you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners in order to receive back the same amount. But love your enemies and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for He Himself is kind to ungrateful and evil men. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful." Luke 6:31-36

It is so easy to forget what was learned so far back ago. I guess that's why it's important to read the Bible everyday. I wonder if I had gotten involved in a church in Japan and if I read the Bible everyday and gotten involved in a community, then things might have turned out differently.

It's so tough to get back into good habits.

Anyway, I guess maybe that's why we have this season of lent. To put God in His rightful place in our lives.

Oh and what I gave up for lent was World of Warcraft and caffeinated drinks. That was taking up a lot of my time.

Thinking about life and things in general, I wonder what purpose I have here on earth. I guess I'll never find that purpose just sitting here and typing about it. But looking back on the day, I feel that I could have done more with my life. I could have done things differently. I could have lived a little better.

Life is tough and it's not like a video game. Life is a variable and full of surprises or upsets. I think that's what makes life great, but it's just not something that I'm good at.

I guess I have another day to live differently. It's kind of like seize the day because we're food for worms, or go with the flow.

As we celebrated another friend's birthday today, I kind of thought that time is passing by so quickly. It reminded me of my own life, only that I didn't feel any different than I did before. Well, there was a time where I had that drive in life to do the best that I could. But now it seems like I just don't care anymore.

Back to my friend's birthday, he is way farther along in maturity than I am. He's a great guy and he's a lot stronger in his faith and relationships with people. I feel that it's good to see that he's doing well and that he's living his life out. He'll do well in life and I think that he's making a difference here on earth.

When I think about things in general with me, I find that there should be more in my life. Things could be better. I could be living differently. I could be improving instead of staying in the same place. I could be doing something that could help someone else. I could be...doing a lot of things. But that's just it...I'm not and I'm not finding any ways to get involved or "engage." Not saying that I have to be involved all the time, but definitely there is something that needs to be worked on.

When I think about my time in Japan, it was a time where I felt helpless. I worked really hard, but didn't have the skills or discover the resources that would help me. I guess maybe I wasn't doing that well there. When I came back, it kind of stayed with me...that feeling of helplessness. The reality of it all was that I was not helpless in Japan. I could have done more to become a better teacher or help the kids to have fun with the lessons. I could have been more responsible with my time and really kicked some butt over there!

I guess that's maybe what I need to keep in mind is that I'm not helpless. I'm capable of making things better. Not saying that I can make everything better...but saying that in my own life, and in my own efforts I can make my own life a little better. And the hard part starts when I become serious and try to flesh it out.

This entry is more for myself than anybody else. I've found that God can use any of us to make a difference, even those who don't know Him. God is always working and He is doing great things for people. But I need to let Him use me by going out there and taking risks.

The great thing about believing in God is that life does not end when we die. However, (this is my interpretation,) but I do believe that the things we do on earth will matter in the end. Not saying you can earn your salvation, but the relationships and the things you do for others in love will matter to them and will be remembered after life. That those are our treasures in heaven rather than material things that sometimes we think of.

Anyway, I digress...and yes, I haven't really lived my life out yet where I have been something to anybody. I need to start again and take things from where I left off. I guess I need to become an adult and take responsibility for my life, my actions, and words. Man, this is going to be tough...but with God anything is possible.

I guess I need to be reminded more rather than discouraged. And I know that I have do this for myself and not for what other people will think or think of me. I'm not about anybody in particular, but I've always cared too much about what other people think...and I always have to try not to care what other people think and do what I feel is right.

Man, I'm not perfect...I am very far from being perfect...but I have to try and learn to be successful.

I woke up late today. I seem to be oversleeping a lot, and that could be because I'm not exercising enough. I guess maybe staying up this late and drinking caffeine is a bad idea also.

Anyway, the day was slow at work and we only had a few things to do. I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. As I was signing out today, I saw a news article on msn about another school shooting.

It makes me sad that someone would do this. I wonder what his motive was or maybe since it was Valentine's day that that might have had something to do with it. I don't know...and maybe the details will never be told.

Another weird thing is that some students want permission to bring guns on campus so they can defend themselves against something like this. That seems like a bad idea to me also...

Anyway, I probably should go to sleep.

So it has been a long time since I last posted. Last night, one of my friends who reads my blog told me that I hadn't done that for awhile...I'm surprised that he reads it.

Anyway, apparently my friends talk about my world of warcraft habit now and then, but I'm guessing not too much. Probably only on Tuesdays and Sundays. heh. But they probably don't talk about it that much.

Anyway, an update. Some of my friends at fellowship got ordained this past Sunday for deacons and elders at church. I'd say that that's pretty good.

For me though, it shows me that I'm not as far as I'd like to be. Not everyone is ordained, but we're all called to be leaders and that I am not.

Leading hasn't been easy for me. I guess I have little experience and not enough common sense or initiative to lead others. I guess I've been taking a back seat in life.

One analogy that I never liked was letting God have the driver's seat in the car. The reason I don't like that analogy is that it gives the impression that you don't have to do anything in your life with God. As far as I've seen, it's more like we're driving and we're asking directions from God and making those decisions ourselves on where to go with our lives.

My analogy may not be correct, but it doesn't seem to me that God wants to control our lives, yet He lets us have a certain amount of freedom in our choices. But some things He'll absolutely want us to do.

Or it could be that i'm just not really following God that closely. Whatever this life with God is, maybe I need to get back to what I should be doing more often. It may not be that I'll ever advance as far as my peers, but if my life counts for something...or my life helps someone else come to know God or live a better life, then I'll be satisfied with my life. But then again, it's not so much one person all the time, because other people might think that you're the "exception." I know that it takes more than one person to demonstrate the life of Christ to others. I don't know how missionaries do it by themselves, but I do know that they aren't alone and are supported by others. I guess maybe that's why I need to go to church, to be in that community and to remember what life in Christ is about.

Anyway, I guess I am kind of clueless as to where I should be right now, but maybe that's a decision that I need to make for myself or ask for direction.

ditto

Right now, I'm tired. I want to go to sleep, but I'll write a little bit about what happened tonight.

So tonight, we celebrated one our friend's birthday. I've known him since college. He was a really cool guy then and is an even better guy now. I'm amazed at how he lives his life for God and how he treats everyone as how he would want to be treated.

He will do great things in the future.

I don't know what it is that I want to do with my life, but I hope that I can be someone who can be like that.

Anyway, as of right now, I'll most likely stop drinking coffee at night and just go to sleep. It seems like I always want to stay up at night as long as possible. I think the reason is that I don't want to start the next day.

I'm tired, but I want to just spend some time in silence or just thinking to myself.

Anyway, I probably should get a balance in my life.

Questions

I'm at that stage in my life where I'm expected to be somewhere. Not that anybody expects that out of me, it's that I expected that out of myself. I guess the real question is not "why I'm not there," it's "how am I going to get there?"

I could be a loser for the rest of my life. I could just stay where I'm at, maybe someday live on the streets. I keep on talking about what I want to do, but I'm not doing anything about it. It's like the guy who wants to get in shape yet eats junk food and doesn't exercise.

I know that it's going to take conscious decisions everyday to make the right choices. I don't know if I want to do that. I don't know if I can delay having fun now for something better in the future. Maybe I have too little will power right now.

Anyway, I don't have to come up with the answers tonight, but I'm thinking that maybe I should try to make some steps for each week. Goals, and progress reports and to "stick to them."

I kind of forgot what is most important in life. It's so easy to get sucked into the world of warcraft and lose focus on what I should be doing with my time.

Time...we only have so much time in our lives...sometimes the simple things are the things that matter the most.

Anyway, I've already made up my mind as to what I want to do before it hits Saturday. Someone told me that they've made up a rewards system for them to get stuff done. One point is one hour of World of Warcraft. heh.

New addictions

So it's now 2008 and I started something new. I've been sucked into the world...of Warcraft. So now, I've been spending most of my time online playing this game. I must say thought that it is a pretty good game. And the problem is that it never ends.

But we'll see. I'm actually saving money because I'm not buying any new games and I only have to pay a subscription fee of $15 a month. Which could be argued to be only 50 cents a day.

Anyway, I probably should do something productive with my time. We'll see what happens.

One of my goals this year was to grow closer to God. I guess I should set up something so that I'll do that first before I do anything else. I'll update more as time passes.

In other news, I really need to get my act together and do what I've said I'll do. Now is a good time to restart.