I only have so much time left here in the US. It's kind of weird that I'll be going. I know that it's going to be tougher in Japan and stricter, but I feel that this is a step that I must take. I don't know what I'm going to do if I come back, but we'll see. 7 months is not too long and I think that the time will pass by quickly.

I wonder exactly what I'll do with my time there. I can imagine that I'm going to be lonely for quite awhile. I'm not sure if I can make new friends over there. I'm not sure that if I even do make friends over there that I'd be able to keep them. I'm having doubts to say the least about if I can make it over there.

Anyway, I know that things will be different. I'm leaving everything and everyone I know and going to a foreign country. I kind of wonder if this is wise of me to do this...but maybe this is something that I must do. Otherwise I'll never know what it's like to live in Japan.

I'll have to be more responsible than I am now. I can't go in unprepared and give a crappy lesson that's for sure. From what I've read in the information packet, it really is a different place than the US.

One other thing on my mind is that I'm using up pretty much all my savings that I've saved up since I was a kid to go on this new job. They aren't paying any of my airfare either way and my housing is going to cost an arm and a leg. From what I read, you have to make a down payment of so much money and put in the rent also. The company told us to bring $5000 with us so that we'll survive until our first paycheck, which is in 2 months from the time we start. Half of that will at least go to the apartment and setting it up. We'll have to buy all our supplies there, except for toiletries, which are expensive there also. Then we'll have to survive on around $1500 to $2000 leftover for two months until our paycheck. The paycheck is only around $2000 itself before taxes. Then I should be able to relax for a little bit, but there are some other complications that I have that I'll have to watch out for. We'll see though. As I said, 7 months is not a long time and I can choose to end my contract at that time.

In my current job right now, I'd actually be able to save more money than if I go to Japan with this new job. Even though I get paid more at my Japan job, I still would be able to save more with my current job. One reason is that I don't pay rent at home and I get great benefits from my employer now. But I've made this choice for now. I can't ever go back to my current job after this. Why? I don't want to. But who knows, I might have to sometime in the future and break my word.

Well, all I got to say is, I have a reason for going to Japan. That is, to learn Japanese. I don't know how that will turn out. But if I'm focused enough, and willing enough, then it could be a great experience. Here in the US, even with people who are from Japan and could speak Japanese to me, I feel really akward speaking to them in Japanese. So I don't practice with them. I guess I'll never learn that way. heh.

I guess you can't learn something if you don't put in the time and effort to learn it.

One of my friends already left for Japan a couple of days ago. I wonder how he's doing.

Today was a really rough day at work. I felt pretty bad all throughout the day. I'm not sick, but I think that the lack of good sleep has really made me wacked out. Did I use that in the right context? heh. Anyway, it's not only that, a lot of other things that happened throughout this past week since my parents left and came back has been pretty nerve wracking also.

I think that one thing that always sticks in my mind is that my dad always has a way to make me upset when I tell him something that's not going well. I don't know why he does that, but he tends to make me feel bad about myself. He doesn't mean to make me feel worse, it's just that he does. I know that I have that trait in myself too. When someone tells me something that's not going well I can, at times, make that person feel worse. I didn't intend to do that, it's just that I didn't watch what I said, so I think that's another reason why I watch what I say more often and why I listen a lot more. At times we try not to be like our family, yet in so many ways we are very much like them. In more ways than you think.

Anyway, things built up to today. I lost it at work and went into a silent rage. I think that people can tell when I'm upset. I don't hide it too well. But I think that people gave me space and they didn't seem like they were upset by me either. So I guess I'm glad to get this day over with.

I'm not sure why I'm here sometimes. I'm not sure why God created me. I know it is to do good works and for other purposes too. But I can't help but wonder if everyone else would be better off if I wasn't there. I know, however, that nobody is perfect and that we all have flaws. I know that there will be something that will not go right from time to time. I know why I'm not living a life that means something right now. I guess it really depends on me. What do I want in my life? Where do I see myself in the future? What will I do right now to make that happen? What are some steps that I can take to grow? And how can I keep that up?

Okay, lets do it.

Did someone say baseball?

I went to a game yesterday. My first one in 3 years! I forgot a lot about what it's like being there the stadium. It was a great experience. But part of me was wondering why I go.

It's not that my friends aren't nice to me or that they don't treat me well, it's just that I don't say very much and I feel like I'm just a walking wall. Sometimes it makes me feel like I don't belong there with my friends. But I know that if I want to belong I've got to speak up and take part of my friendship with them. Hopefully I'll develop this more in Japan.

As the night progressed, people talked to me and made efforts to reach out to me. I was surprised, because I honestly thought that my friends didn't want me around. But I guess I was wrong. I guess that shows what happens when you can't hang around your friends that often. Man, my thinking is irrational quite a bit, and I kind of wonder why that is. I'm guessing it's that my lack of experience with friendships and friends altogether is novice. I missed out on a lot in Jr. High and High school in terms of friendships. I never really had that many friends...and hardly any I'd call good friends. There were only two friends that I would call good friends in high school. And they were my only friends.

I don't think that those are the only reasons though. But still, life is simple, yet it's not simple. sometimes what we think is the root of the cause is not the root, but a byproduct of something else. So I really don't know.

Anyway, I've grown quite a bit since high school, but still, I have a long way to go to catch up to everyone else. I know what I need to do...I just don't want to do it right now. And I know that unless I change, I'll still be stuck here in this rut for a long long time.

I've struggled with this for a long time now. I guess I haven't changed that much.

If you notice the time right now, I missed church again. It's becoming a bad habit nowadays. I just forgot to set my alarm before I went to sleep. Man was I tired...I think that this is really becoming a problem because I only have so many days left here and I won't be seeing them for awhile. Oh well...

A wedding...

I woke up around 10 yesterday. I knew that it was my friend's wedding that day and I wasn't sure if I was going to go. I felt like all the other times that I've declined to go to something. Maybe I just wanted to do what I wanted to do instead of celebrating with my friend his new life together with his fiancee now his wife. Yeah, selfish of me. But I went anyway, and I had a really good time.

It seems like I tend to want to be alone, yet humans are not supposed to be alone. They need other people or companionship. I think the reason why I tend to want to be alone is that I have been alone for a majority of my life. It's safer than being with others. You don't hurt others or get hurt by others. But everyone needs somebody sometime.

So I left after I walked the dog. I thought that I was going to be late. But the wedding started a little later than scheduled, so it was lucky for me.

All throughout the wedding, I was thinking, "they sure are a good couple." I also was happy for my friend because he found someone who is a really great person. I don't know her that well, but she's always been nice to me, even though I don't know how to relate to people from time to time. I don't say very much so it makes people uncomfortable or bored with me. Hmm...maybe I need to say something so that I break this habit of being silent...even if it sounds stupid. I've always tried to watch what I say because my dad would say things off the top of his head and it would sound really bad. He didn't even mean what he said, but he would say things that just put him in a bad picture.

Back to the wedding. For once I understood what Jesus said when the friend of the bridegroom rejoices when the bride and bridegroom come together. I forgot what He was referencing, but I think that it had to do with Jesus coming back to earth. Anyway, that's not what I meant, but I understood that people want to see other people that they care about happy. Hmm...I wonder when Jesus will come back to earth, and if I will be happy when He does. Hmm...

I felt happy for once. Here I was celebrating with the rest a joyful occasion. I'm happy for my friend and his wife. I don't know what to say sometimes. But I'm glad that they found each other.

I'm also glad that I was a part of their wedding. Not in any significant way, but just being able to witness their coming together was really special.

I kind of wonder sometimes where I'll be in ten years. Will I be married? Will I be worshipping God in my life? Will I be doing anything for Him? I think that getting married, while a major step in one's life, is not what I should be focusing on. Seek first the kingdom of God and all these things will be added unto you. Not saying that you will get married if you follow God, but saying that life will be fulfilling. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy...in fact it's tougher to follow God than to not follow God. I wonder exactly what I'm doing here on earth.

I think for me though, it's best that I don't focus so much on finding a wife, that will come if I'm ready and mature enough for a wife. But, I know that getting married to the right person is really something that is from God alone. Maybe I never will get married. Not saying that I won't ever be mature enough, but I wonder where God will lead me. And I also wonder if I will follow.

Recently, I've been following my own path that I've been cutting and hacking. Maybe this is the wide path that leads to death. I don't know anymore. All I know is that I don't have any direction of where to go. So I'm finding my own way.

Anyway, I've digressed quite a bit.

Video games...

I've been playing video games like mad when I come home from work. I've been trying to make the most of my collection while I'm still here.

Anyway, I should really get going...

The countdown continues...

as one of my friends put it in relation to me going to Japan. Yes, I talk like this...do you have a problem wid it?!

Anyway, back to Japan, I am going to be leaving pretty soon. Just 5 more weeks until I'm out of the US for awhile. Man, when I went to Japan the first time I couldn't wait to leave the US. But since I made friends in college and have a church to go I am finding it harder to leave. I think that things are going pretty well over here in the US, but when I look back on my blog and this past year of work I see a different story.

Waking up at 2 in the morning. The hum of conveyor belts. The loud screeching noise of an unoiled belt (that I work on.) Some of the guys yelling weird stuff at each other. High stress due to the amount of packages coming through. Dirt and dust in your nose. And other things to boot.

I guess it wasn't such a bad job though. I mean, I made some friends there...even if they are only just coworkers. You can find some great people at some of the these lowly jobs. They may not have a degree, but they have at least common sense on how to do their job well. I'd say that they have been the best part about working at this job and the hardest part too. But I'd say that I'm going to miss this place when I leave.


Man, I'm going crazy at work. The belt (that I work on and mentioned above) screeches every time a box is put on the belt. The heavier the box, the worse the scream of the banshee is. I'm buying ear plugs this weekend. I guess what's more important is not having to put up with the noise instead of hearing instructions from the other guy I work with. Hey, if you heard a loud, long screeching noise every time a box was put on your belt, you'd go a little crazy too. That, or the hours will do something bad to you. Like age you...seriously.

I guess my managers could tell that I'm having a tough time with this noise because they've been sending me upstairs every day this past week. I was seriously getting pissed from that noise. Then I calmed down when I was sent upstairs. Man...I don't know how much longer I can take that noise. But then hopefully the earplugs will work.

Well...back to Japan...The plane ticket is going to cost around $1500. The company doesn't pay your way over, so I'm thinking of staying an extra year if they offer me one to make up the difference. Unless God tells me to come home after my first year.

Goodbyes...

We said goodbye to one of our friends last night. There's so much I didn't know about him, but I could totally see that in him, even though I didn't know about it. It's in his character and he'll do some great work over there.

He became a Christian 13 years ago and he's done some great things as from the testimonies given by a lot of people at the goodbye party. Well, I should have signed up for his email thing, but there were a lot of people already at the table, so I left early because I was getting tired. Yeah, I'm lame...

Okay, well enough bashing today on myself. If I don't stop then I'm going to feel even worse. heh.

I didn't do it...

When I got to work today, I found that my manager was busy running around and getting things done. I waited and waited until there was a good time, but there just wasn't any. I guess if I really wanted to apologize, then I should have done so, but I guess I didn't really want to. Anyway, my manager didn't seem too upset at me, so I took it that things were okay. Convienient excuse...

Faith and Race...

I went to a faith and race discussion class last night that will meet once every week for 5 weeks. I must say that I was a little hesistant in going. I mean, I went to perspectives and I found that stuff to be over my head. Perspectives is a lot of work if you are taking it for the certificate, which I did and didn't receive because I was too wound up in how much work there was. But I signed up anyway because that was what our small group is doing.

So I get there with my small group and listen to the pastor talk about the history of faith and race in the Bible and in other cultures and religions. Pretty interesting stuff. It's complicated and I don't want to get into the details. I kind of get the picture, it was from being segregated to understanding one another...which hasn't happened yet.

We watched part of a video where people from different ethnicities came together, including caucasian (just for those who might not think of caucasian as an ethnicity), and talked about race and their views on it. It was pretty heated and I understand that a lot of people just don't get it.

What stuck out the most from what one of the people in the video said was, "I'm not afraid of the KKK or white supremisists. The people that have done the most damage to me was not those people, but...the church goers, the middle class, the 'good' people."

Probably most of you can't understand that. I admit that I didn't realize that either. But when I look at things, he did speak truth.

Anyway, it's a gritty topic and I'm sure that it won't be solved by this blog. But, what I do know is that there are problems here in the US and in the world. And it's not from the people of color. If you don't know the history of what 'white' people have done, then you won't understand. And it doesn't only stem from slavery.

But I think that for the most part, people shouldn't be our enemies. Why I keep saying that terrorists are not our enemies, is that they are people like us looking for a cause in their lives. If you look at 9/11, you can see the pain and hurt that our country experienced by that terrorist attack. What you don't know is all the stuff that has happened to them to make them want to do that to us. The US has caused a lot of trouble in the middle east, not saying that we only do bad in the middle east, but I'm saying that we are part of the problem of why terrorists attack us, and why they continue to attack us.

I digressed, but what I'm saying is, people are not the enemy regardless of what organization they belong to. In Christian belief, Satan is the enemy and people are not. But what it seems like in the US nowadays is that we make the terrorists our enemies so that we have a reason to go and fight and try to make others like us. That in itself will never work. Why? You may ask?
How hard is it for you to lose 5 lbs.? How hard is it for an old dog to learn new tricks? How hard is it for a wife to change a husband, or a husband to change a wife? How hard is it to change yourself? I find it amazing that people think that they can change another person to be like themselves, when in reality, if a person doesn't want to change, they won't. So, how do you in effect try to make others like the United States of America? A democracy in Iraq will not be the same as a democracy in the United States.

Look at Japan. Japan's democracy is radically different from the United States' democracy. You may say that they have a different constitution...but if you look at things, it's still the United States' original constitution that they created for Japan and Japan hasn't changed it in the slightest. It's still the same as when they created it 50 some plus years ago. But, if you look at things, "so much has changed in Japan, and yet so much has not changed" according to my professor. What he was trying to beat into our minds was that the cultural norms and habits have not changed one bit. It still remains Japan, yet it is governed differently in context of their culture.

Great, now I'm going to profiled. Maybe I already am...

Anyway, my professor really hopes that things will work out in Iraq, but from past history, it's going to be hard. It will not be like Japan, because Japan is totally different from Iraq. We'll see though. Maybe the invasion of Iraq will be a good thing down the line in the future. Who knows.

Anyway, I digressed from what I was trying to say. People are not our enemies, whether they treat us ill or harm us. But, I know that's not something that everyone can take. Even myself...as I get angry at people from time time, I can't but help but think that they are my enemy, even though I may never see them again. I guess what I'm trying to say is this,

We are all related to each other on this earth. Regardless of what the other looks like we are related to them. What isn't happening though is an understanding of each other. We are all created different for a reason, so that there will be diversity. But diversity is not always looked upon as good. I'm not sure what needs to happen, but I think my point about writing this long entry was that the church needs to understand people from the people's point of view and not from their point of view.

I've known this for awhile. I try to understand people, but I do fall down. Plus I do judge from to time and have to catch myself. Nobody is immune to judging others, it's human nature. But we are called not to judge or else we too will be judged. We are called not to condemn or else we too will be condemned. Forgive and we will be forgiven.

I was told that slavery is as American as apple pie. I was also told that the Christians who didn't go with the norm of slavery started an abolitionist movement because it didn't go with the bible. So often did people try to use the Bible to justify slavery. But few disagreed and did something about it. I'm not saying that it was perfect, but what I'm saying is this...

the faith and race discussion group things are so that we can be a catalyst to making things right in any small or large way we can. Race is an issue today, because people have notions of other people without even getting to know them. And even when they get to know them, there is still some lingering sterotype or bias that is labeled to someone whether it's a good label or a bad label.

This is a long post, but yeah, if you can see people totally different from you as being human, not meaning the same as your habits or your culture, but meaning the same as you in terms of equality and being the same level as you, then that's one step. That's one step out of a long journey.

That is why I say that the terrorists are not our enemies. That is why I say that people are not our enemies. Because the terrorists like us, were born from a mother and father, were raised up and experienced life whether good or bad as all of us do. Why they are seeking to harm us could be because we harmed them in some way, whether intentionally, or unintentionally. Anyway, there's a long histroy behind all of this and it spans further than the birth of the United States.

Anyway, end rant...

Today at work things didn't go well. I messed up on something and got scolded. I was angry for a little while, but after work I kept telling myself, "Try to see it from their point of view." I kept on replaying what went on at work today. All the not in service labels which were causing the packages to be sent upstairs, all the work they must be doing to keep up up there too and how frustrated I got when I had to scan something and snatch it off the belt if the label came out blank.

At the time I failed to see why I had all this extra work to do. I was wondering why they didn't do all of this upstairs. I thought at the time that they had been sent home. So I became angrier.

With each label that came out blank, I had to snatch it off the belt and place it either by my feet or in a tub, which was getting excessively full. When it came to the envelopes, we were supposed to pull them off, which I did for awhile, until it got ridiculously crowded in my work area. I asked one of the newer supervisors if I could just send these up and he said to do so until someone told me otherwise. So I did, and I got scolded, big time.

My reply was a, "yeah, yeah." I think that pissed my manager off. Indeed that was wrong of me, because I didn't see it from their point of view. I failed to see how much stress they are put under each day and how today was unusually particular with that. I knew why we pull the envelopes and I didn't follow through, so it was my fault. Even though my other manager who is new told me to do that, I shouldn't have asked him, because he's still trying to learn his position of authority and I knew that he'd say yes. So I take responsiblity. Tomorrow I need to apologize to my manager that I pissed off.

Today was one of those days...it wasn't such a big deal, but it got my adrenaline pumping. I guess that will happen now and again. I can imagine what my manager will say tomorrow. But hopefully it won't be that bad. heh.

Stress...man, I think that I need to exercise more than I am now...which is nil.

Sunday

I woke up late this morning. I was listening to my radio alarm in my sleep. It was some pretty interesting stuff that kind of related to me. Finally, I got up and went to church.

I couldn't help but think later today that I'm going to have to learn a lot of things by trial and error. I mean, the lady on the radio was telling about her life and how she couldn't seem to understand social situations. I found that I have some of the same problems. But she managed to learn however difficult or impossible some people think it may be for people like that. People like me.

I'm amazed too that that lady was able to speak so clearly and eloquently even though she had some problems with speaking. The radio announcer said that she definitely has a high intelligence level, it's just that she doesn't understand social things. I guess I'm going to have to work twice as hard as she did if I want to get up to that level. heh.

Anyway, there were some new people at church today. They were a missionary family that was visiting and maybe giving a message. I found that I had trouble trying to introduce myself. Part of me just didn't want to put up with being rejected again. So I left early.

With all the new things that I'm going to be experiencing, I think that it might have been better if I stayed, but for me maybe it was better that I withdrew.

Personaly feelings and thoughts are better left not on the internet.

Anime...

I've been watching a new anime recently. Pretty good. It's called Bleach. A really good anime that is still coming out in Japan. Oh the joys of the internet that bring worlds closer together. Actually, that may not always be a good thing, but in this case, tv shows are pretty cool. Anyway, you can check out the episodes off of bitorrent. Or, if you don't mind the dubs, then Bleach is coming out on Adult Swim in September. A really good anime I must say. But definitely for teenagers and not for kids.

A website my friend recommended is

www.bleach7.com

It also has a list of other fansites there too.

Man, I definitely have to buy the manga when I go to Japan. Hopefully they won't think of me as some weird teacher guy that likes things for kids.

Bleach...

I've watched 40 episodes so far since July 5th. That's how addicted I am to this. I definitely am going to buy the series when it comes out on DVD here in the States. It's worth it. Anyway, don't cheat the people who make these great stories. If you have the episodes and like them, then please buy it so that they can get something for their hard work. Not the burned dvds, but the actual licensed ones. Otherwise people may not want to make entertainment as good as this anymore. Yeah, I believe that if someone makes something good, it's good to receive what's due to them. Anyway...

Honestly I don't know what to write anymore. What can I write about my life? What is there to talk about? What more is there about me? Well...there's lots that I haven't said, but not much that I want to talk about.

I guess it's not good to say everything that is on your heart, especially when it's to the whole internet world to see.

The fourth of July...

was a good day for me. I spent it with my friends from church at someone's apartment and we went to watch the fireworks later on at the pier. It was a good time hanging out with my friends and for once feeling happy again. I was thinking of not going, but I'm glad that I went.

I don't know what it is, but something inside of me feels distant. I think that all the time that I spend alone in my room playing video games or watching TV has something to do with that. But with my current schedule what else can I do? I'm just glad that I'm going to be getting out of this schedule soon.

Anyway, it was nice to break the routine and do something different for once.

...

Regarding the fourth...something happened...not to me, but to someone else. I couldn't help but feel sorry. Not everyone's fourth of July was happy. I am not equipped to handle things like this. Especially when it involves people on the street. But I can't help but wonder if I experienced all these things in my life for a reason. And if so, what is it?

Funny...I don't want to ask it though. Is ignorance bliss? Or is ignorance just putting something off until it strikes you down? I can't help but look at America in this situation. A lot of people in America don't know what goes on inside of America let alone outside of it. We are busy living our self contained lives in our isolationist world. That's the normal citizen. We don't have time. I personally don't know if I care anymore about that. I mean, I could talk about it all I want, but they're just words unless I do something about it or someone else does something about it.

In the Alpha course our fellowship group just finished, there was one session where the speaker talked about one guy in 1824 or something like that in England. He saw a darkness around him and had two choices. He could pursue his dreams and become very rich, or he could do something about what he saw and make changes. To make a long story short, he made society better by choosing to live for God and fight for what he thought was right. A couple of things that he fought for was humane treatment of the mentally ill, no child under 14 should work in a factory or at all and should go to school instead, and the abolishment of slavery in England are just a few things that he fought for. I forgot his name...but he was buried at Westminster Abbey because of his hard work and things he did for God and people.

I can't say that I'm going to be like that. But...I think that we all have that choice. What are we living for? I guess in my case, I'm living to get by. I'm working so that I can earn some money and eat and live under a roof and afford the luxuries of life. It may be fun now, but I wonder...what the heck am I doing here?!

I feel so ineffective. Maybe I should spend more time reading the Bible and praying than I do watching anime. But when it comes down to it, I seek other things to help me to get through the day. Do I care anymore? Do I care? Part of me does and part of me wants to turn away.

I didn't realize that this is a war. But, as the Alpha guy said, warfare is unpleasant. And being a Christian makes things harder. Being a Christian means fighting a spiritual war. I'm not talking about any wars right now or even a holy war like Jihad or something like that. What I'm talking about is things that people wouldn't ordinarily call war. Anyway, why am I babbling.

Anyway, Alpha...a pretty good course for seekers and even people who have been Christian for some time. It's not meant to be kept a secret, but meant to make disciples or teach people about Jesus and what the Christian life is about and to build friendships.

Working on a holiday so that you can spend time with your friends...

With my shift I don't get to spend that much time with friends. But I got tomorrow off instead of today so that I could enjoy the fireworks tonight. Last year I had to miss everything because I worked the next day, so I couldn't spend any time with my friends on the fourth. So I'm glad that I got tomorrow off. heh.

Today was kind of horrible though. It started out kind of weird with thunder and lightning in the morning. Then when I got to work, there was a lot of work to do, so we stayed for about a whole day's worth of work. Which is not unusual, but we were expecting a lot less. I got pretty frustrated for most of the day, but I'm glad that today is over.

For some reason, there is something stuck underneath the conveyor belt that I work on. I think that it's those plastic packing peanuts, so it makes this screeching noise for prolonged periods, which happened pretty frequently today. I don't know how much longer I can take this. It's pretty loud and I'm right next to it while I'm scanning boxes. But I guess I should have been more diligent in moving that stuff off the belt so that it didn't get stuck in the machinery. It's kind of tough to do that when you're trying to scan all these boxes going by. But I'm not the only one who doesn't do that and I'm paying the price now.

oh well, it could be worse.

I'm not sure what lies ahead, but I think that I really need to move on or else I'll go deaf. Seriously. I think that I have lost some of my hearing already from working there a year now.