Thinking back...

Looking at old pictures of myself of when I was a kid, it really looks like I was a happy kid. From my memories, I know that it wasn't always happy. But I do recall going to the city center for Easter to get candy, going to see Santa Claus every Christmas, and even seeing the Blue Angels when my dad was too tired to drive. (My dad almost crashed if it weren't for the sonic boom of the Jet Engine that woke him up.)

My parents have really been good to my siblings and me. Even though there were so many of us, they took us all to piano lessons, practices for sports, and Judo tournaments at far off places.

Growing up in a big family wasn't easy. When you're in close proximity of people and you don't have your space, then things can get ugly from time to time. I would get into a fight with my brother so often that my mom would have to intervene between us frequently. I didn't get along with my family until my siblings went to college, and I finally went to college.

I saw change in my siblings after they started going. They matured there and we got along better. Maybe it was the distance that separated us physically that brought us closer together. (Strange concept, but I've realized how much I miss someone, if they meant something to me, when they've stepped out for a bit and come back.) I remember before they went to college, all of them would yell at me at one point. Afterwards, they loosened up a bit and were more understanding. I knew that I wanted to go to the same exact college when the oldest went to college.

My oldest brother matured a lot, and I figured that college had really changed him. I expected college to be a place where you could start anew. Nobody would know you, or your past besides the people that also went with you. It was going to be different when I went. My life would be different.

It was different, I admit. The people in my dorm were nice to me. I reached out to them, and they responded to me. I made some good friends there my first few weeks. But these expectations that I had didn't seem to fulfill the thirst that I was seeking after. I was thinking in my room what life was really about and then just went along with my business.

Out of nowhere, the phone rings, and I answer it. A guy, whom I never met before, asked if I were there and asked me to go to a fellowship that my brother had suggested. AACF was the name. I was interested when my oldest brother told me about it, but I didn't go the first few weeks, because I just didn't want to go. The guy on the phone asked me if I wanted to go, and I said that I'm not really Christian, so I don't really want to go. He left it open and said that we could meet if I wanted at the Student Union building and go together. I said that I'd think about it. (I had no intention of going.) We ended our conversation, and for some reason, this good feeling came upon me and I decided to go. My life changed after that. I became Christian after a lot of stages. I was anti-Christian, to skeptic, to being for Christ, to walking with Christ.

There are crossroads in our lives where we choose to go in a certain direction. I've mentioned the crossroads before in an earlier post. But the people we meet along the way and people we choose to hang out with do make a difference in which direction seems more favorable. It's still up to each individual to choose which road to take, but sometimes our friends help us to choose.

Anyway, what I'm saying is, the people that are a part of your life can make a big difference in your life. Not saying that they always will, but they can have an influence in how your life turns out. My advice is to seek out people who are positive influences on you and also for you to be a good influence on your friends.

I know that things are different where you go and that some things are harder in some other places. I admit that I don't know who's reading this, or what they've been through or what they go through each day. I'm not saying to break away from the friends that you currently have. It's your choice what you do. But I'm saying that people have influences on each other.

My brother, the oldest, went to college and became a Christian. I never knew that he was Christian until he got baptized maybe 4-5 years later. Until then, I thought that he was the same as me at the time. Buddhist. My siblings influenced me a lot throughout my life. The one sibling that influenced me the most was my oldest brother. If it weren't for him pointing me towards Christ, my life would be a lot different than it is now.

I guess I inherited a lot of habits that my parents and my siblings have. Some good traits are, thoughtfulness from my dad, integrity, understanding. Actually, I'm really different from my siblings. They're all talkative, I'm not. But they listen to me when I do speak. Maybe that's why I'm so good at listening huh? heh

Work is done...for now

Well, it's official. My last day of work at my old job was this past Friday. I am no longer working for the university library anymore. School is starting and since I have graduated, I can't stay there anymore. I guess I've put off finding another job long enough.

It's a weird feeling staying at home while everyone else is going to school. I feel like a bum to be honest. As of right now, I'm living at my parent's house, with no job. The good thing is that my parents gave me some time to find a job and move out, but still, I don't want to be waiting until that time comes.

Grim reality

Lately, in my free time, I've been watching "Outlaw Star". An interesting anime so far, and some scenes are not for kids. But it is reminiscent of Cowboy Bebop in the sense that this world is dark and there are people out there who will try to hurt you. (Not saying that people are out to get you, but saying that some people may try to hurt you if given the chance.) But it differs in the sense that Outlaw Star has the use of magic and some new ideas and concepts. While Cowboy bebop, to me, seems more realistic and believable with what is already out there in Science Fiction and our technology today. Both are about the future

I don't know why I'm attracted to these types of anime, but I believe that the future will not be such a nice place. The past wasn't a nice place to live, the present has gotten better but still not the greatest, and the future is unknown. It's kind of scary to see what people can do if they have the will to do it. North Korea now has nuclear technology. But, I still believe that what we create today will last for some time and direct the future. Whether it be good or bad, those are the two directions that we influence with our actions.

So What am I doing?

That's a good question. I talk a lot about doing something to make this place better. But still, I've felt like I haven't been doing too much.

I got involved with a kids camp last month and did some positive things there. I hope that my mistakes will not cause any future harm to the kids, but I do believe that God will do miracles if we ask Him. Not the way we want them to be done all the time, but in God's own way and wisdom.

I just hope that our actions as counselors will cause positive growth in these kids who come. The kids had a good time, and I hope that they'll continue to have good experiences at this camp, and other camps. I know that it's not us who cause things to grow in the kids, we're only the seed that begins something in someone else. God causes things to grow.

I have been wondering what I can do personally. To be honest, I haven't been doing much. I am looking to get more involved in stuff at church, and I'm hoping that we'll get involved in the community around us. My church is not filled with people from the neighborhood. In fact, I think that there isn't anybody from the neighborhood surrounding our church, that goes to the church.

To tell you something that I heard from one of my friends. The United States is the third largest missions field in the world. There are a lot of people in this country that do not know God or Jesus. The United States is not a Christian country as seen by the evidence shown in our movies, magazines and other things that happen here.

My friend told me, "you can't keep waiting around for something to happen. You've got to get involved." Involved...making my life count...affecting others in a positive way.

It's tough, because our pastor has done things to try to reach out to the neighborhood, and has had doors slammed in his face. A clash of cultures...maybe. I don't know what the neighborhood thinks of us, but really we've got to do more to reach out.

Don't get mad...

Someone once told me, "Don't get mad if people don't respond the way you want them to." I guess that's good advice.

For some reason, it seems like people aren't responding to me lately. I can only conclude that it's not them, but something that I'm doing wrong. Or maybe it's something that I don't know about going on with them. Anyhow, I shouldn't worry about things in my friendships and relationships.

Over this past year, I've found that it's best not to expect anything from anyone. People have good days and bad days, and sometimes they'll respond and sometimes they'll just want to be left alone. I know that I don't have very good rapport with a lot of people, but I know that with practice, anything is possible.

Over time, if you work hard and long enough, and happen to be in the right place at the right time, then good things will come. That's my hope. I know that bad things come too, and sometimes you don't reap any benefits for the hard work that you've put in. But, I do know that you grow as a result of the hard work and that by becoming a better person, good things do come. Maybe not right away, but later. Maybe not even in your lifetime.

Know this also, if you do evil things, or bad things, then you will also reap the consequences from those also. From my past, I'm still reaping the consequences for my actions. It does affect my relationships and it does affect how people treat me. I can't blame my past for why people treat me a certain way, but only that I have full responsibility for who I am today from my past actions and my past way of thinking and how I viewed things before.

But change is possible. It's hard, but it's possible. My life is a lot better because of a lot of hard work on my part, and by a lot of people around me. You might not believe this, but my brother, who became Christian in college, prayed for me through my struggles, and even though things didn't turn out better all at once, over 5-7 years, things got a lot better. God did some great work in my life because of my brother and his friends and church, and my friends. Prayer is heard.

Don't get me wrong, I still struggle with my past. It's part of who I am. It's part of my struggles today.

I tell myself, "The actions you take today determine your life tomorrow."

It may not be easy to see how your life changes, but over time, the small things that you do, whether good or evil, determine which path you walk. Each thing is a little step, in my opinion.

Final thoughts
So, I guess what I'm saying is, despite how people treat me now, I really don't worry about things like that anymore. I have good friends who don't try to hurt me. And even though I'm not the most popular person out there, I do have one or two good friendships. Even if everyone abandons me, I still have God. I can't blame anyone for how another person treats me. I shouldn't blame myself, even though it may be very well the cause of why. The only thing that I can do, is work on what I do.

My parents told me that Jack Nicholaus, the famous golfer, said in an interview (about what I'm guess people said about him on the golf course), "I can't help what other people say or think. I can only help what I can do." (Paraphrased by me, because I actually didn't hear the interview.) But the basic meaning behind that is, you only have so much control over life. What other people say or do or think is not in your power. You only have the power to do, say, and think things in your own life.

My mom would tell me, "does it matter what they think?" "no," I would reply. "Then don't let it bother you."

It bothers me, but I've learned to care more about what I think more than what other people think. Even though I do get mad, I try not to let it bother me in the long run.

Anyway, enough idealism for today. Just trying to write some things down for my benefit.

Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning...

I have been cleaning up my room. It's a mess. Before, you couldn't even walk in it. Now you can at least walk around. If you didn't know, I am a pack rat. I keep almost everything that I own, and it's hard for me to throw away things. But for the sake cleanliness, I am. heh

Anyway, my dad has been on my case to clean up my room. It looks a lot better now than it did a couple of days ago. Still a big mess in the back of my room though. But for now, it's good for the day.

Cleaning up, I've found what people wrote to me for Christmas and birthdays. It's pretty thoughtful of people to write a card saying how they've seen you grow, or how they're looking forward to visiting you now that they're living near you next year.

Sunday, a day for growing
It was a low to high day for me. Low being that I see the flaws within me and how people react to me. High being that I know that despite my flaws, I can change and become a better person.

Sunday shouldn't be the only day to grow. It should be continuous throughout the week. But I find that through my struggles on Sunday, do I get motivated to grow. It's hard for me to step out and reach out right now. It's not fun to go into a place where most people already know each other already, and you're the new guy. (Granted that it was only today, because I went into the adult sunday school class). But, I've found that struggles are struggles, because it's something that we're not good at. Starting is pretty tough, but depending on how good you get, it will get easier as you go along.

Maybe I'll do what I did my freshman year. Forget boundaries, and take chances that I wouldn't usually take. This won't be a maybe, this has to be a must if I'm going to go anywhere.

Anyway, got to get ready for tomorrow.

One more week...

I'll be unemployed next week. Next Friday is my last day of work. I know that it's time to move on.

The best part about the job is seeing different articles that you wouldn't see if you weren't working at this job. There are some pretty cool Japanese articles. I saw one today about "web diaries and why people post" in a psychology magazine. It was in Japanese, and I didn't have time to read it, but it shows that there is some good stuff out there.

However, the worst part of the job is also having to copy some of the articles too. Some things are better left unseen. There was an article where they were cutting someone's eye open for surgery. Not a pretty sight. The medical articles are just not a good thing to look at if you're not a doctor. Another thing better left buried was a picturebook of horrors in Japanese. Just disgusting...some showed people decapitated, or things kind of like that. I think that it was a book about punishments or something like that from the late 1800s to early 1900s. (Note that if you go into any type of room that is not left for the public, then you might see some bad things.)

Yeah, I got to see where they stored some books. For instance, did you know that under the Undergraduate library, next to the parking lot, is a room full of storage books? You enter through the cafeteria. Well, a door close to it. heh.

Anyway, this job was definitely a gift from God. I prayed for a job two years back, and I received a job a week later. I looked for one at the Eastern Library and received no response. But my friend, whom I told I was looking for a job, found me a job at his office. I couldn't have asked for a better situation in terms of my hours, flexibility, and just the people that I met through this job. It has been one of the best experiences that I have received.

Granted it's not all fun and games here at the library. I worked hard hauling books in the rain and hot sun. Because I was carrying too much, I strained my back a couple of weeks ago. I now have weak fingers from picking up books and photocopying. But all in all, these things are really small compared to the benefits that I have received.

It's time to move on. I know it...finding a job will come. I'm sure that I can find a job temporarily until I feel confident enough to use my Japanese.

Anyway, no bother worrying about things. Just take one step at a time...

Sorry for not posting for awhile. I've been trying to get things together. Cleaning up my room, trying to study Japanese, and just working at my old job for the time being.

As of right now, I'm finding jobs for Japanese on the web. There's hope for my career in Japanese. My short term goal for this month is to read articles on the web. I'm going to try to see what they write about the war in Iraq. Seeing it through a country outside of the US might give me some insight as to how they view war and what they focus on. Still, I have to read the articles. Anyway, I'm going to read some articles before I go to sleep.

The nihongo noryoku shiken, (Japanese proficiency test), will be coming up. I have to decide soon as to what level I'm going to try for. Level 3 is something that I might be able to do. Level 4 isn't worth trying for, because I could do better. Level 2 might be a little tougher. Anyway, I have some time to decide, I'm set on at least level 3.

There are 4 levels for this test. Level 4 is the easiest, level 1 is the hardest. If you pass it, you get a certificate that says you passed a certain degree of understanding in Japanese. It will be helpful for anybody who is trying to get a job in Japanese that needs the proof. The deadline is coming up sometime in October. Anyway, I'll post the link for the test later. Right now, I've got to study.

Anyway you can find the main page here. If you're looking for the noryoku shiken, then you can find it here. Also note that the last page that I posted is mainly for people living in the US. If you're looking to take it outside the US, then the deadline has already passed.

If you're looking to take it next year, make sure that you read up on it, because they're very strict when it comes to the time that you send in your application and how your handwriting looks.

Home again

California was great. I spent a lot of time with my relatives. To be honest, I wasn't looking forward to going, but when I got there, everything changed. My family there took good care of me and my brother.

I didn't meet any of my friends down there, but I guess I didn't keep in touch with any of them, so that's understandable. I wonder what they're doing now.

Anyway, I'm back home safe and sound.

Thinking...about the past

My old roommate would tell me not to think. Not because I think too much, but because he thought that I am stupid. (Actually, I think that he just liked making fun of me.)

There was a time when I used to care what everyone thought about me. I was not a happy person. But now, I try not to care what other people think about me. Or about another person's opinion that I disagree with. I try to care enough about the person that I will try to talk to them if I think they are wrong, but usually I stay silent because I am not good with words. I find that sometimes I'd rather say nothing at all because I do in fact care too much about what other people think.

It's up and down with me. It's not consistent in how I act. But I figure on some days, "Why not?" On some other days, "I'd rather not." The former because life is really short. The latter, because I just don't feel like it.

I guess the reason why I write these things is for my own personal sanity. Sometimes you've got to think about the wrongs in your past and correct your own thinking with what is right. I know that I'm not stupid. I know that my roommate doesn't know me all that well. I know that I have my strengths and my weaknesses and I am unique. Everyone is unique. No one else is the same out there...unless you're a clone...then, I don't know what to tell you. But still, you'd still be unique in my book.

People can say anything. People will hurt you sometimes. But a person has to bounce back and not let things bother them. A person has to be grounded on what he/she knows to be true. That's how I get through each day. I counter the things that I know to be not true with things I know that are true.

Anyway, enough preaching by me. But yeah, I do feel a certain way now. I won't go into details, but yeah, I have a lot of work to do.

California Dreamin'

I'm visiting my family down here in California. We went to Disneyland California Adventure Tuesday and hit Magic Mountain today. Since school was in session, the lines were super short! I was on the rides in 5 minutes for some. Goliath, at Magic mountain took me only the long walk to get on. It was great. The park was almost empty compared to the busy season of summer.

My favorite part of this trip was not so much the things we did, but the time that we spent together as a family. We played DDR, Madden, NFL2K5 (aka ESPN football), hung out and ate meals together. It has been good to touch base with them again.

I will miss my time here. For not wanting to go, I'm glad that I did. It seems like I can just leave things like my job situation and other concerns aside for now. A much needed break in the daily routine.

Direction

I'm not sure why, but it doesn't seem like I'm going to go to Japan any time soon. I guess I have to find a job here in the states.

I know that my Japanese isn't very good right now, and I should improve it before I go to Japan. I still think that I should go to Japan as an English teacher, but now doesn't seem like the right timing. I don't think that I'll go soon, because complications have come up.

I can see why I wouldn't go to Japan right now. Things just aren't worked out. But still, I'm thinking that within a year, I might be able to go. That's my goal. However unlikely it seems now.

The reason why I wanted to go to Japan after college was that I felt that my Japanese skills could improve a lot. I felt that I would come back to the states after a year or so and get a job using Japanese.

It seems now that my plans that I've set in my heart will not come to pass. One of my friends told me that going to Japan isn't something that you should lightly decide to do. I guess I feel like I really don't want to go to Japan right now. There's still more growth that I need in my life.

Maybe two or three years down the road, I might go. But now, I'm not sure.

It's a pattern throughout my life. I start something late, and I follow through with it later. For example, I started Judo my Junior year of high school. I was asked to go to Japan for an exchange, but complications made me go a year later, the summer after I graduated. Usually you're not supposed to go your senior year, but they made an exception for me.

Yeah, I was angry my Junior year, but God worked out the trip my senior year for His glory. I became Christian partly because of my trip to Japan and the timing of how things worked out. It's unbelievable how things were laid out step by step.

Despite how things look now, I'm sure that God has plans for my life. Despite the plans that I set in my heart, God will determine my steps. Things don't turn out the way you want them to all the time, but we have only so much control in our lives and other people's lives. Really, we're not in control, because so many things could happen that we don't foresee. (Not saying that you have no control over your life, but saying that you only have so much control. The world is too huge for us to control.)

Anyway, I've got to make use of my time here in the states and find a job. I've got to practice Japanese in my spare time. I've got to grow into maturity. I really don't have to do any of these things, but I want to follow through with these plans despite how late I am.

I know that things will be alright with whatever happens. Because no matter what happens, God will always be there.

Reading through "Reaching for the Invisible God" has reminded me to spend time with Him today. Man, it seems like I have so little time now that I am out of school. I've got to choose carefully how I spend my time.

Some last minute thoughts

I made some mistakes today and in the past. I make mistakes. I'm human. I'm not perfect. But, the important thing is to learn from them and not make the same mistakes over again. The reason why I can't sleep right now, is that I keep on rethinking the mistake that I made today.

Anyway, one of the mistakes that I'll mention is I gave a little bit of money to a person on the street, and I wasn't thinking, and gave on impulse. She made me feel sorry for her so I gave her $5 to get food and a bus fare home. I really think that she was lying to me after I saw her walk away with a big smile on her face. She walked to the next person behind me to beg for money.

Lesson, you've got to really think what a person's motive is when they're asking you for something. My brother tells me that I'm too good natured and that people take advantage of me because they can.

I'm slowly learning and I have shut some people down. I've got to learn how to be shrewd though, yet innocent of any wrong.

Right now, I'm not going to give anybody any money who asks me, because I don't know what they're going to do with it, and basically people need to find a job rather than beg.

Food I'll help them attain, and groceries. But money is a tool that can be used for evil.

Man, I felt really stupid. And I know that some of you might be thinking that I'm stupid. But know this, I know who I am and my weaknesses and strong points. I am not stupid. And I don't care if anybody thinks that I'm stupid. What matters to me is learning from these mistakes and becoming wiser. I write this down so that other people may know that giving money will not help a person, but rather could hurt the person you gave money to. Or it could hurt another person.

I was pissed off right after I gave her the money, because I knew that she had tricked me. Bad things can happen when you act on impulse. Sometimes good things happen, but really, I need to slow down, and think about things before I act.