When it comes to focusing on the important things in a conversation, I'm a total space case. I tend to go off on tangents for some reason.

Anyway, today I was talking to someone at work and when I was talking, my points were going here and there. I didn't mean for it to be so random, but the way that my sentences came out I meant different things than what they thought I was saying. Hmm..I guess I need to focus on one point and only focus on that when I'm talking. Sounds kind of boring, but I think that's how most people talk. They usually have a topic and talk about the topic. While in my case, I just tend to go on different points about the topic, but people think that I'm still talking about the first point. Hmm...maybe I should work on my speaking ability some more.

Hmm...yeah...that could be one reason why people don't like talking to me. heh

Crazy last week...

My week wasn't so crazy, but one thing about it was. When I was driving to go pick up someone late at night, there was this blockade of police cars blocking my way there. I stop thinking that there's nothing serious that happened. The last time there was a blockade of police cars was around this time when I was going to work and it was just because they were pulling over someone. The car in front of me makes a u turn and I pull up a little closer to see what happened. Apparently there was smoke coming from this car turned on its side. A policeman is scrambling back to his car and runs back to the car on its side.

I thought, "this looks serious." I make a u turn and go a different route. A fire truck is coming along with another police car going down the next street at the intersection...probably so that the blockade doesn't have to move and they can get to the car on the other side.

I pick up my friend and tell him about it. We go to work.

Today, he told me that he got a phone call from his girlfriend saying that so and so, his friend, died. The car that I saw had his friend inside of it. Apparently he was trying to run away from a cop in his car and was going too fast on the turn. It was just a little before I got there. I'm glad that I was late, or else I might have been hurt or worse yet...dead.

Anyway, I guess I have to be careful when driving around at night. I wonder if he was speeding and was trying to get away just because of the fear of getting a speeding ticket. It's really tragic, because this guy was only like around 18-19 years old.

As I drove by the same area today, I saw a whole bunch of candles lit in the exact spot where I saw the overturned car. Crazy...

I guess it's really fragile. Life that is. Anybody could be here one moment and the next be taken away. I feel sorry for the guy who died. I'm also happy that I was late and didn't have to witness that or be part of that. It's crazy that the guy that I was picking up was a friend of the guy who died.

I don't know what to say.

Today I was reminded that God loves all people. A medical mission team sent from our church went to an Asian country. Hearing some of the testimonies from the people that went was really encouraging. I don't want to write too much, because I'm going to go to sleep soon, but I thought that here is one example of God reaching other people. It was good to hear the heart that the missionaries have for the people that they outreached to.

It makes me think about my own walk and where I'm at now. One thing that someone said to me today was that, "you have to experience God here first, before you go out." While I do agree with that statement, I wonder exactly if I will ever go out. Is it true? I'd say that with this class that I'm taking that one point comes to mind. "If you can't reach people of your own culture, or even people in your own family, then what makes you think that you can reach people of another culture?" So I guess in a sense, it is. It's so much harder to reach people of a different culture, because there are a lot of things different. It's not a bad thing, but it does present a barrier if you don't understand their culture, or how things are presented or passed down, etc.

Anyway, I wonder exactly where I'm headed. Where am I headed to? I really don't know where I'm going. What I do know is that I'm not doing what I should be doing. I'm thinking that what that person said today is true. It has to start here in my heart with God in a relationship, before it can go out and reach the nations. If I don't have that, then why would I think that I'd be anymore effective than I am now in my own country?

Work went okay today. It started out good, but at the end, we got killed on one belt. I was on that belt at the end of the day.

We were heavy today, which is not something that anybody wants to hear. When we were finished at the unload, I went to load trucks. Man, there was so much crap outside of that truck. Plus there was a lot of crap inside of that truck too. It was all mixed together on the outside, so I did the best I could and tried to get all the nose packages in first, but had to get some of the rear packages in too so I could make some progress.

Well, I think that people could tell that I was frustrated. I was working slower because I had to manuever around packages all over the car. I don't know how we got them all in there, but they all fit right up to the back. I don't think that the driver is going to be happy with this load, but then again, all he needs to do is deliver it. Which might involve him making some backtracking trips. But other than that, I'd say that the day went well.

Seeing what the drivers have to put up with everyday, I'm thinking that I don't want to advance in this company. Even though they start out at $17.50 an hour, it'd take me around 2-5 years to get promoted to that, which I'm not willing to do. I'd say however that this company is good for those who don't have a college education. It provides opportunities for people who are hardworking, yet don't have a degree. It's hard work though, and I wouldn't recommend this job to everyone. But it does have its good points about it.

I really think that I could do better than this job, but for now, I'm using this job as a way to earn money so that I'm not going to be left out to dry. I guess that's one reason why I should be saving up money.

Money...

I know that I shouldn't be motivated to action by guilt, but motivated to action by love. Sometimes I feel that I lack that. My heart seems like it lacks that and I end up doing things because I know that it will help someone else out, yet there's something missing inside. I guess I should spend more time with God. Yeah, that'd be good. heh.

Some thoughts about life

The past few weeks, I've been having a pity party. I've been thinking that I'm such a loser. A lot of things have been contributing to this, but this past Saturday I was reminded that God loves me regardless of what I do as a job. He loves regardless of what other people may think about me. He loves me regardless of my fears and what I don't do as a result.

I've been feeling pretty bad at work, but then I was reminded that I make my own time there. I can choose to feel depressed or I can work to make myself better. I know how to make myself better, because I've gotten there before. I know how to get there, I'm just lazy in getting there. Anyway, things have been getting better the past couple of days since I snapped out of this funk. I really don't care what other people think anymore. I can focus on liking myself as who I am and not worry so much about whether or not people like me or even accept me. Highly idealistic right now, but I'm hoping to make this a reality in my life again.

One thing that one person told me is that it's not about avoiding feeling bad. What it's about is bouncing back and getting back to feeling good about yourself. So how that relates to me is that I know that bad times will come. I expect them to come. And when they do come, I shouldn't stay down in a depression, but learn to bounce back. I've had to catch myself a couple of times when I stopped bouncing back to where I was before. I'm thinking that I need to work on this some more.

Anyway, I can't do this alone and I don't expect to do this alone. The one person that I've always depended on is God alone. He understands everything that I go through. And even though I've turned away from Him for a little bit, I'm starting to get back into the better habits. Yeah, God has been the only person that I could turn to in everything. And I really should treat Him better than I do now. And I should really listen and obey, even if it's hard. The alternative to doing that is following my own desires again and falling back into that funk. Hmm...I guess I'll always wrestle with this.

Anyway, that's the update on my life.

Pipe Dreams

I'm wondering if I really want to be a translator, or if this is some pipe dream of mine that will never come to pass because I'm not serious about being one.

I don't know. I think that it would be a really good job for me, but I wonder if I'd go crazy doing it. I guess that's one thing that I need to consider. If I could handle being a translator by doing a whole bunch of work by myself, or if I could handle the fast paced environment of being a tsuyaku translator (an interpreter). This is all dreams right now, and it may never come to pass.

I guess I need to make time for something. What am I going to do? I think that I'll play video games with my Japanese playstation. That way, I'll get a feel of how people talk and how people test my understanding of the basic Japanese spoken dialogue. I don't have access to dramas anymore, so I guess I'll have to find a place where I can download them, or buy them. Maybe Japanese movies are the way to go.

Hmm...I've never actually understood what a "Pipe Dream" is. I only remember a video game resembling that. I think what it is is that it's something that is a big dream, but not easy to do. I guess I dream small when I think big. But it's my life, and I'm not looking for fame. I'd like to have enough money to eat and play video games. I kind of wonder if I'd be able to work in a video game field translating. That's what I'd like to do the most. But really, my Japanese is not fluent right now and there's a lot that I don't know. I guess self study is the way and actually going to Japan someday. When will that happen...I'm not sure with my complications in life.

Thoughts...

I think that God is showing me that some things that I held onto dearly aren't so important after all. I knew that before, but didn't want to let it go. What I learned today is that I need to seek first the kingdom of God before anything else. Before I do anything or give anything, I need to seek first God and His Kingdom. Really, that's what matters most. God and people. Man, so simple, yet so hard to focus on only these. I'm not saying that nothing else is important, or that you should give up everything you have, but what I am saying is that these two are the most important there are. These two matter most to God. That you love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and that you love your neighbor as yourself. I kind of think that God is really practical. So simple, yet so deep. The video games that I have only have one face to them. While God and people have so many different characteristics to them.

Real life...man...to me this is like turning my whole world upside down. hehe. But I've been focusing on the wrong thing.

I haven't written consistently for awhile. I've been reluctant to share my feelings online, because many people don't know me and some who do know me might know what I'm talking about. But I think that it has been a good time of just thinking through things for awhile.

Lent

It is now the Lent season. I wonder each year why is it that I do this? Why do I break my routine and do this? Am I doing it for God? Or am I doing it just to fast. I'd like to think that I'm doing this for God, but really, I think that I have a habit of doing this for myself. Someone once said that Lent consists of doing something with the time that you now have instead of doing without something. What I interpret this as is spending time with God and reading His Word. Hopefully my relationship with Him will grow stronger and that I'd really grow in love for God. But we'll see how well I can stay focused.

This year, I'm fasting coffee and one other thing which may seem kind of ridiculous. I tend to look for deals online when I get home from work and that takes about one to two hours of my day. I spent so much time looking for deals that I ended up losing a lot of the best hours of my day. So I decided to not search online unless I know exactly what it is that I want to buy. I'm not going to look through the ads that I'm sent every other day on my email.

Work...

Work seems to be going good for the moment. I got sent down to a belt today to help out. Apparently one of the guys felt sick during the middle of the shift and a lot of things got piled up outside of the trucks that he was supposed to load. He came back after he threw up, which was one hour before the shift ended. heh. It's all good though. He's a good worker and everyone will forget this in the near future. Everyday at this company seems like it's the same thing over and over again.

There were a lot of late trains this past week, so we were heavy today. We are usually heavy on Mondays, because shipments over the weekend come in and we have multiple days that we have to catch up on. Well, I guess it's only Saturday and Sunday. And I guess it's not that bad either.

I'm getting along with the people at work. I don't talk to them that much though and they don't bother me. I'm not sure what to talk to them about. Maybe I should take a risk and see what conversations could come up. But then again, it seems like they all are listening to some of the other guys' conversations.

Nothing interesting today...yeah.

What has changed?

One thing that came to mind as I was reading my Perspectives reader was that someone once said to me when I asked them, "Since I became a Christian, haven't you seen any change in me?" This was to a person who knew me before I became a Christian. He said, "no, I don't." He told me some reasons why and I don't remember too much of what he said. But I do remember the conversation that we had about the great examples that some Muslim people he met were and some bad examples of Christians that he knew.

When I think about things in perspective of this class, I probably could have answered him a little better after reading some of the text and listening to the speakers. But back then, I didn't know much about the Bible, and still today, I don't know that much, even though I know a little more.

Anyway, I lost contact with him, because of various reasons, but I still remember that he probably didn't understand, as a lot of other people don't understand what following Christ is about. I'm seeing that I have a long way to go to catch up in my faith and I wonder if I ever will get any further.

When I think about my life since I became a Christian and a pivotal moment in my walk I think, what has changed? What, if anything has changed? How have I grown? How am I following God any closer than I was before? I really can't think of any major thing that I've really done to follow God any closer. I can think of some minor things, but really, I have not given my life up, or as some would say, "be sold out for Christ."

Anyway, I don't think that this is going to be answered overnight or anytime soon, but this class is getting me to think about some things and I really need to make some decisions.

I've been a Christian for 6 years now. I can't keep staying in this toddler stage. I need to move forward. So I guess the question is, "What am I going to do?" I have some ideas for some baby steps

I seem to have a hard time with waking up for important events. Most of my time seems like it's spent sleeping. I wonder why. Maybe I need to sleep more now that I'm sleeping during part of the day, ie. not sleeping that well.

I've missed the past couple of bible studies, because I've been too tired to go. I've overslept for a majority of them. I always feel so tired. Why is that? Maybe this weird sleeping schedule is not good for me.

Anyway, I guess I wouldn't be sleeping if I didn't need it.