I'm always wondering what I'm doing here. Maybe the answer is, "nothing."

Let me explain. I take myself out of situations instead of trying to engage in things. I withdraw from conversation instead of trying to make some conversation. Maybe I'm getting lazy or getting used to being by myself like some kind of hermit, but something has got to change.

I don't like to be around people most of the time, because I feel uncomfortable and unsure of what to say. But then there are times that it's fun to be around other people. I think that maybe just the nervousness of being around other people prevents me from going out there and being part of some conversation or group.

I always look back on my time in Japan and see how I didn't know anybody there, except for one person in another prefecture. It was good to spend time with him, but I didn't visit often enough and I kept to myself inside my one person apartment with a cockroach. I always wondered why I went to Japan.

Part of me felt like I'd grow up a little more if I went. Part of me wanted to get away from my graveyard shift job and try something different. Part of me wanted to try something new...something...anything positive. But what happened in Japan was both positive, but also a little discouraging for me.

I didn't venture out and try new things, I stayed home and tried to make a new lesson for school. I put all of my effort into trying to keep this job and make interesting lessons. Then when i felt the need for conversation, I found that I turned to the TV or surfed the net. I didn't have a group that I could belong to in Japan. Even though I saw some of the other English teachers, I didn't meet with them or at least try to get to know them more.

Depression hit and I was losing it toward the end. I lost my temper a couple of times in school. I even withdrew in school and didn't talk to anybody during lunch when that was the time the students had time to get to know me. I felt worthless and alone.

Even though I survived all of that, I felt like I was far away from home and that nobody really cared about me. Which was untrue, but I really needed someone to talk to. Which could have been a good thing that I didn't renew my contract. I don't know if anything would have changed if I stayed. My situation might have grown worse.

I wonder if I had done things differently in Japan, would things have been a lot better?

Which brings me to what I'm doing here in the States. Nothing has changed as one friend put it. I haven't changed much. I still have the same problems and same weaknesses. I still isolate myself and don't do very much talking. And the choices I make, determine who I become. God is not mocked! A man reaps what he sows.

So the question becomes, what do I want to become and how do I get there? It will take a lot of hard work to get there, but it's going to have to be conscious choices and changing things daily. I guess I should work toward those things instead of writing about it.