My trip home is coming to an end. I'm also ill right now. Anyway, I'm thinking that I should keep my thoughts about home to myself.

I went to church yesterday. There were some who were glad to see me. Some who were not. I've noticed this even before I left that some people are not cool with me. Yet nobody tells me. it's probably not a big deal as people will not like me all the time. I think sometimes I have too high ideals of what church would be like for me. Maybe they'll never be met. I guess that's one thing. Church is a place for people to worship God. Even though we're not perfect, God does love everyone. Even if the people there aren't perfect, God loves them too. So maybe I just need to forgive and not let things bother me.

A lot of people will never know who I am. Most of my friends know me, but I think for most of the people at church, it's just a Sunday relationship. But then again, I know that people don't think that much of me and probably never will. And I'm cool with that. Why would I want to spend time with people who look down on me?

Anyway, i know that I'm not a normal person. I know that everyone will never be considered "normal" because nobody can set the standard for everyone to follow. But I know that compared to a lot of people out there, I'm a loser. I've come to realize that ever since I came to Japan. But what Japan has taught me is that it doesn't matter. I've known this before I went, but I'm starting to realize it now that I've been to Japan.

Anyway, i know that I'm not perfect. I know that I'll never be perfect. But I do know that regardless of what happens, God will love me and God will continue to love the whole world.

It makes me think about tomorrow. If Jesus were to come back, what would He say to me? Would He be pleased with me? I'm not sure. I'm kind of wondering how many people God would be pleased with? There are many, but it really depends on your relationship with God and how you love those around you.

Anyway, it was good to be back at church. But it was also a painful memory of maybe the damage that I have done here before i left. Who are they to judge? And who am I to judge? I know that even if we part ways, I need to continue to move forward.

I guess that's one thing about God. He forgave us when we nailed Him to the cross. And He forgives us of our sins if we ask. But He also does not want us to have grudges or things against people. He is the God of relationships...something which i don't think will be my forte in life. Oh man...relationships...I guess I've got to keep trying though.

It has felt like Friday for the past two days. I had no class today and no class tomorrow. I don't even know why the heck I'm going to school if I have no class. I don't know what to say anymore...I think that I need a vacation. And I think that I'm cranky.

when I think about things...I know that this world would be craziness if God wasn't here. It is craziness though in a lot of places. But most of the time, we don't turn to God. Many people don't know Him. Anyway, through it all, He's there in the midst of this craziness. I keep on thinking...there's got to be a purpose for each person here. But I wonder if any of us find it. Some do I believe...Anyway, I guess I won't know for sure until much much later. I'm wondering if I'm here in Japan for a reason. Maybe I should stay here longer if I get offered another year. But we'll see. I'm not sure what it is, but I'm thinking that the company might give me a chance for another year. Another year of probation? That sounds kind of lame. Okay, well, time to hit the sack.

Tomorrow...I won't be able to make it to the US for one of my friend's funerals. I don't know what to say...I didn't know him that well, but even though we weren't close, it seemed like I got know him a little bit at the end before I left for Japan.

The last memory I have of him was when we were doing a film for the faith and race class. I remember that somehow I mentioned that I was going on a trip. He seemed interested and asked me where I was going. I think that he was really interested and he seemed happy for me that I got this chance to go to Japan.

When I think about life in general, I think of how much more I could have lived. I could have gotten to know him better or maybe talked to him more when I found out that he had cancer. But I didn't, and I think that just shows my personality. I'm not living...I'm actually not living to my fullest and getting to know people while they're here...while I have a chance.

Anyway, I didn't really know him that well. I’m thinking that I most likely live out the rest of my life ikke this. Not really getting to know people and staying a certain distance from most everyone. Anyway, I know that he's in a better place right now. Reading other people's blogs, I saw that there was more to him than I knew about.

I guess that's true for a lot of people. Well...not sure what else to say...

You only think about yourself...

When I look back on my posts, I see that I am very absent minded. When I see other people's blogs, i see that they are going through much more than me and people they know are going through much more than me.

Frankly I wonder if I really think about things...the importance of some things and how unimportant some other things are.

I wish that I was a better person sometimes.

Well, i don't like to write everything on my blog, but it seems like I write the most unimportant stuff that's going on. Okay, do what you got to do.

Yes, I just drank one liter of coffee. heh. Man, no wonder I'm so tired all the time. heh. And it's 10:30pm.

oh man...Well, at least I just have to plan tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be able to stay awake.

Only one and a half weeks to go. Then I'm flying home. yay! I'm looking forward to staying up late and playing video games with my family. I'm also looking forward to seeing my dog. He's getting older, so he might pass away soon. It might be the last time I see him if I don't return in April.

I'm also looking forward to being able to sleep in and also to being able to sleep in a bed instead of a futon. My futon is flat right now, so I'm basically sleeping on a wooden frame. Which could also explain why my back hurts when I wake up. I've been waking up 3 times a night to change positions. Maybe I should buy a new futon this weekend.

Anyway, there's so much in the US that is nice, but still, I'm enjoying my time here in Japan. I don't know how long I'll be here, but we'll see how long I stay. If I do stay, I'm not planning on staying more than one more year. I don't want to stay for too much longer though. I don't know...maybe I'll take a trip around Japan. Maybe i'll visit Kagoshima while I'm at it. That's crazy far away. And I'm not sure how to get there.

Anyway...I think that this weekend, I'm going to hit the Department store. This time, I'm going ot take a train instead of a bike. That way, I don't have to worry about some old man hitting me with a broom on my way there.

They're selling used PS2 here in Japan now that the PS3 came out. One thing that is a downside to the PS3 is that they don't have shock or vibration in the controller in the PS3. That is due to the tilt control that they put in the controller. Tilt control is something like when you're flying an airplane or dragon on the PS3, you can tilt the controller to tilt the plane a certain direction. Cool huh! But nobody liked the new design of the PS3 batarang controller. Some said it looked like a batarang (from batman) or a banana. So it got low ratings. Sony decided to use the old style of controller, so while it looks better, it doesn't have shock or vibration. i guess that's a good thing in some sense, because shock in the controllers can cause damage to your hands, or so I heard.

Anyway, I could buy a PS2 brand new here for only $20 more than they're selling the used ones. I guess I got to wait until February before I buy my ps2. I guess I can hold off on playing some of these cool games until the price goes down. heh. Hmm...if I stay another year, then I'll most definitely buy a PS3. Hopefully Shiro Kishi (White Knight) will come out by then.

I played part of Valhalla Knights last night before I went to sleep. I'm surprised that I understand even that much of the dialogue. Still, it seems like the dialogue isn't that great right now, because when they go into explanations they show a "........" and then the outcome. So it's like a conversation is happening, it's just you aren't a par of it. Darn it Marvelous Interactive!!! The reason people play role playing games is so that they can live in an alternate world. Well, at least that's my reason. heh.

anyway, the main character just says, "......." I think that it's a Japanese thing or something like that to not have the main character say much. Chrono Trigger and Chrono cross is one example. Personally, I think that the UMDs can only hold so much info, so they had to cut down on that to put in awesome gameplay. Which I've only had one battle. Plus it's a very customizable game, so there's a lot of items and stats that you can use. I think that they said there's about 1500 combinations in the preview that you can use for your character wear. Crazy...that's how detailed some people in the gaming industry in Japan are. Crazy...

Anyway, I'm wondering if I should come home after my contract ends, or if i should stay another year if they offer me another year. I'd stay in the same place if I had the chance, but part of me wonders if I should go to a different place. i'd feel bad because the people here are the ones who are investing in me. Not only in teaching, but in some of the friendships that I have here...even though we're just coworkers. Then there's the teachers that get on my case and that isn't nice all the time, but it's a good way to learn how to deal with things...unless I get depressed.

Anyway, I'd better get going.

A note about games...

Kingdom Hearts II went down to 29.99 at EBgames today. You can check out their website on www.ebgames.com and just look under Kingdom hearts ii for the PS2. Anyway, they forgot to update their website completely as you can buy the used game for 39.99 which may or may not come with box or instructions or the brand new game for 29.99. Hmm....which to choose.

Another note, I can now play Valhalla Knights on my psp. Thank you Amazon!

Yeah baby!!!