Okay, so maybe I was a little upset in the last post. I know that my time in Japan was a hard experience, and I tend to put things together with my time there. Most of the time, it's the reminders of things that come to mind when at church. But then that's no excuse for not going.

Anyway, what I said may not be true about the church I used to go to, but definitely that's how I feel and that could be why I haven't been going. I keep on telling myself that if I went and got plugged back in, that I would feel comfortable again.

Anyway, I guess this won't be solved anytime soon. And I don't plan on going to another church.

What has happened in the past two years?

I remember that it was about this time in Japan when I was teaching at a school that I was saying my goodbyes and preparing to leave Japan to come back to the States. I had mixed feelings about Japan. I was bothered by the fact that people did not come talk to me personally when they had a problem with my teaching style or that they felt like they were my assistant and not the main teacher in the classroom when I was teaching. On the other hand, there were some people who I thought were really great people that I met.

I wasn't prepared to leave Japan with these bad feelings in my mind, but on the other hand, I didn't want to have to deal with these negative comments coming in that I couldn't help at all. So even though I was offered a second chance, I didn't take it.

I still have these bad feelings inside of me today, like I'm some sort of failure, because I couldn't get things right in Japan. I still haven't recovered from them. It makes me wonder why I even went there in the first place.

constantly I'm reminded of something that happened there. Even when it's not related to anything with Japan.

Anyway, I felt rejected and thrown away from the people that I had come to know for the 7 months that I stayed there. it wasn't everyone, but a lot of people.

Maybe I needed more time to get adjusted to things in the states, but over the past two years, I haven't been to church for awhile. I don't know why I don't go to church, only the fact that I'd rather be spending time by myself rather than with people. I spend time with people for 5 days a week, and on sundays I have volleyball, so that makes 6 times a week. I don't need to be reminded of how I'm not welcome, or not wanted at church. It makes me feel that sometimes things would be better off without me there. And frankly, the one time I visited church, things seemed to be just fine without me.

I'd rather not be here or there or anywhere.

I guess it's a choice to go to church and a choice to worship God. People go to church to worship God. To be in a community of love and hope and to spur one another onto love and good deeds. But when I go, I'm often reminded of how I just don't fit in anywhere. How "different" I am from the normal people of the world.

I guess I will never be normal. And the world will not change for me. The only thing for me to do is to give my concerns to God and to let Him heal things for me inside of me.

He got thrown out for using sei-oi-nage (pun intended.)

sei-oi-nage is a name for a shoulder throw in Judo. nage means throw. check out the clip on this yahoo march madness page found here.