Something that I wasn't even planning on going to

I went to the JEMS Career retreat this past weekend. Last year I couldn't go because I had to take care of the dog during that time and they didn't want people leaving the camp, so that was a no. But this year, even though I had to take care of the dog, I was allowed to go to and from camp.

The theme this year was about putting God's kingdom first in our lives and stuff related to career age people. What struck me this year was in relation to how I'm seeking God and where I'm at with my relationship with God, I found that I am pretty weak. I am not seeking God, I'm living for myself. And I'm not using what I have to glorify God.

One point that he also brought up to us was that this world will tell you that you need to do this and that in your career, but what is really important is not so much how well off you are or how good you are at your job, but seeking what God wants to do with your life.

A good quote that I took from it was, "A person who God can most use is not someone who asks God to do something according to the person's will, but finding God's will and changing their life to fit into what God tells you." That is a scary thing for me, because I found that God can ask some pretty big things. But someone told me that God will not ask you something that you cannot do with Him.

The speaker told us to go out and try to do God's will. You will fail and fail and fail, but keep trying and keep on growing. The point was not to always be successful, but to at least try to Glorify God in what you do.

Another good point he brought up was that you cannot fulfill God's will by staying in your own family and staying inside the walls of the church building. You need to go out into the world and try to find out what is God's will. I was thinking to myself, "how the heck do you do that?" And I found that there are many opportunities if I keep my eyes open. Feeding the homeless is one thing that I could get involved in and just conversations with people that I meet.

Another point that he brought up was that we are to bring before God some plan to Him if we plan on doing something. We are to try to do something for His kingdom.

He also said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. But he gave the illustration that if we take a step that not in God's direction and we keep on taking those steps, it's going to take a lot more work to get to where God wants me to be. It may only be a little off, but over a period of 20 years or so, that's a long way off.

Worship was good. It was a lot of the songs that I heard in college. The worship group looked younger than me. But I wonder if they felt that those were the songs that God was calling them to play.

Anyway, I realize how far off I am right now. I don't know how to get my life back in order except by doing the basics, which is to pray, read the bible, listen for God, and try to take some steps in doing what I think God wants me to do. I figure if I stick to those basics first, then I'll be able to get back to more advanced stuff later.

Anyway, I left my parents house a mess because I wasn't planning on going to the retreat and cleaning up this past weekend. When I went to the retreat, I cleaned up as much as I could, but the place was messy and my mom was upset. I lost it when she came up to me when I got home and pointed out all of this stuff.

I apologized later for yelling at her, but I just see that I have a lot of work to do in my spiritual life and regular life. It always seems like your family brings out the real you, the you that cannot hide behind a mask, because they know you.

I'm wondering where God is going to take me in my walk from now. I have lots of catchup to do to get back onto the narrow path. I feel that God brought me to the camp for a reason. I have been living my life for myself and not for God.

Another thing the speaker said about humility was that humility is not thinking less or yourself, meaning putting yourself down. It meant thinking of yourself less and thinking more about God and others. I hope that someday I can be humble and not think of myself all the time and think of God and other people more. But that will take a long time.

Palm Sunday

I didn't make it to church by the way. But I did make it to the puppet practice. We're doing a puppet play for Easter, so I have to be there at 9am on Saturday and Sunday. I haven't made it to church in about 4 months...

I guess it takes discipline to make it there on time and that's something that I've been lacking lately. I can't seem to force myself to just go to sleep at a reasonable time.

Anyway, our volleyball team won it's first match today. Even though we didn't win the game, it was a victory for our team.

For me though, I didn't get much sleep the previous night, so I wasn't feeling too good. All throughout the game, people kept on asking me if I was alright. One person said that I even looked green. How is that possible? Anyway, we play to have fun and that's the main reason why we are in this league.

I was getting frustrated this season at little things, because we couldn't win. Usually I don't care about these things, but for some reason, i feel that I've been changing this past year into a shallower person. That I cared more about winning than about people getting better and becoming better players and having fun. Even though my team was in it for the fun and ministry, I probably should have had my attitude changed before going into this season. So it was my fault for having the wrong attitude.

I know that God loves all people and that He wants us to be in community and love each other as He would love us. But I feel that the more and more I'm out of church, the more I'm kind of "drifting", as one person put it, out of God's love for other people.

It's the anxiety of going to church that seems to get to me. And I know that I would get over it if I went to church continually, but for some reason, I want to spend my Saturdays doing stuff that I want to do and my Sundays too. Maybe I need a schedule. Learn it, live it, love it.