I wonder if I wasted most of the year this past year. I don't know what to say sometimes. I haven't tried to understand my coworkers that much. They're good people, but I was more interested in sleeping during break than talking to them. I mean, what am I supposed to do? They're already talking to each other. Do I join in?

Sometimes I have time to talk to them while we're working. But I don't get too much in though because we're supposed to finish fast.

The only people that I have sort of a friendship with are the people that I give rides to. Lately, I've been wondering why I do this. Why do I do this when I really don't like what they're talking about. But then yesterday's message really struck a chord with me. I'm missing opportunities to talk to them about their beliefs and influence them. I guess I really don't know how to talk to them about what's right. Maybe now is a time to learn.

I feel like such a bad witness. Maybe I should pray about this.

Church...

I made it to church today. For some reason, I woke up in time. Hmm...that's got me thinking.

I haven't made it to church in like a month. I saw some old faces that I've known for the past couple of years. Good stuff.

The message today was on Colossians 1:9-14. I don't remember too much of it, but the one thing that I do remember was that the pastor told everyone to sit down at the end. Usually we stand and receive a blessing. He asked the mission teams one by one to stand, mentioning the work that they're doing or going to do and we recognized them by clapping for them. He came to the end and asked if there was anybody with a mission out there to stand also. I didn't see too many people stand, but he said, "everyone should be standing." So we all stood up.

I remember part of the sermon now. He mentioned how one of the accused people in the Enron case is a practicing Christian and goes to church regularly. He mentioned missed opportunities to share with his co-workers or to influence the people that he worked with. Not an easy thing to do. I thought, man, that's me too! I am not influencing the people that I work with or talk with. I do not speak out. Will I? I'm still reluctant.

The pastor went on. He talked about how it's normal to want to be liked and to not say anything in fear of offending someone. He also said that this world is dark and we have choices to make in response to it. We could

1. Walk away from it. Have nothing to do with it.
2. join in on it, even though we might not agree with it. We could put aside our morals.
3. We could engage with them and speak out about what we believe and what we think should be happening. (I don't think that he put it quite that way, but I think that he said something like that.)

I don't know what to say anymore. I've heard all of this and I still don't do this. It's going to take a lot more devotion than what I'm giving it now. Am I willing to do that?


There is a dark force out there against a good force. I'm not talking about nations or people at all. I'm not talking about governments. What I'm talking about is the Kingdom of Satan and the Kingdom of God. I know that to many this seems pretty absurd. But the two kingdoms are evident as seen in human communities and society. The two kingdoms are clashing together. Man, a war...I guess I have not been taking my faith seriously enough.

I've been reminded of God's love for me. I've been reminded of God's love for everyone else. I'm finding it hard to love everyone else as God would love them.

One reminder today was that even though people at work may be "different," I know that they're just seeking their own happiness even if it is causing them destruction. Isn't that what we're all trying to do? Find happiness? Or some reason for living?

I have a reason for life, yet I really don't want to live it right now. I think that I'm out of practice and I really am unsure of a lot of things right now. Something that I've been reminded of is that we're all human. Sometimes people will have a hard time loving us as we have a hard time loving them. But God loves all people regardless of how we or others see them. God died for sinners, which is all of mankind. Even Christians are sinners.

This verse comes to mind. "If someone says 'I love God,' and hates his brother, he is a liar; for the one who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love God whom he has not seen." 1 John 4:20 NASB. The Bible is profitable for all Godliness. I guess I need to read it a lot more to find more about who God is and what His heart for mankind is. I know that I've read a lot of it before, but after taking this perspectives class, I'm finding that I need to study it more closely. Man, I don't even know why I took perspectives, but I'm thinking that I really need to get on the ball. Man, I really just want to play video games right now...

It's Saturday...some of my friends are at a retreat for people interested in missions. I didn't go, because I don't feel like I'm at that point right now. I have not gone on a mission and even though I'm a little bit interested in missions, I have no desire to go to an unreached area.

Next week is another retreat for our fellowship. It should be good. I'm wondering if I'll drop back into my mood of, I don't want to talk because I'm too tired. Maybe I should sleep before I go. Yeah...

Well, Perspectives is over and I really don't want to do the hw still. I don't want to do the project either. I think that I'm just going to quit. I don't feel like I'm at that point right now. I don't feel like I'm going to go out there and do missions. I didn't realize that this was a missions class before I took it. It went way over my head and I sunk deep. I know that I can use this information, but I'm thinking...I've never really stood up for the gospel or Jesus and I really am not motivated to do so.

I feel like I don't care right now. I mean, the people that I care about are Christian already. But how do you tell someone you don't care for about Christ? You can't. I guess I've become sort of numb lately. I feel like I don't care for the people at work. They're just people that I work with. I don't really know who they are. And from knowing about some of their backgrounds, I'm not sure if I want to.

One part of me thinks, "if I can't love these people as myself, then who can I love?" Love meant in the terms of treating another the same way you would want to be treated.

I really don't know. But maybe my next job will be better in terms of my relationships with the people there.

It seems like the task is overwhelming. Maybe I should start small...

Not much to post. Nothing big has really happened in the past couple of days. I missed Senior Sendoff for AACF. Which sucks...because I probably won't see the seniors that are graduating for quite awhile. I might not see them ever again...but most likely I will. Oh well, another event missed...

Anyway, I wonder exactly what is in store for me. I wonder exactly what God is planning for me and I wonder if I am following it. I doubt that I am though.

Drifting seems to be a theme with me. Drifiting here and there and not committed to any one place. I'm not sure exactly what it is that I want in life, but maybe it's better not to know now. That way, I won't be expecting anything. That's just my opinion though. Yeah, low expectations. heh.

I don't know what to say. Nothing has really happened in the past couple of days. I just relaxed and slept.

I remember I was telling one of my friends about my roommate who played Everquest and spent all of his time doing that, even at the expense of his hw. This other guy in the elevator said, "You mean Evercrack!? I'm so glad that I quit that before I went into college!"

I can see why I didn't play video games during college. I did so much better in my schoolwork and social life because I wasn't focused on playing video games. I made a promise to myself that I would not play video games in the dorms. So I didn't. But I ended up watching my roommate play Evercrack. Man, maybe I should have studied outside of my room.

Now I'm out of college and I picked up video games again. It seems like I'm having to relearn a whole bunch of stuff over again. I find that it's easy to get lost in a video game. I'm also finding why I quit video games during college...I wasted a lot of my youthful years playing video games. But still, I think that it was better to play video games than get mixed up with the wrong people. I'm just glad that I'm okay now and not down some gutter.

Someone asked me, "Where would you be if you never met Jesus?" I have an idea of where I would be. But I know that if I never experienced these hardships, I would have never met Jesus. I used to think that He was imaginary or some alien. But after meeting people who have a relationship with God, I saw something different in them and it was attractive. Knowing Jesus is better than having a lot of money. Why? For me, it has been that I have someone that I can count on regardless of anything that happens. It makes me wonder...what am I doing for Him? I wonder...am I doing nothing?

I know that who you are says more than what you do. Because who you are will be shown in what you do and everything about you. Whereas what you do does not always show who you are. And I'm finding that I need to spend more time with God or else be like the people that I'm most hanging out with. Not my friends, I'm not hanging out with my friends, but mainly I'm around my co-workers the most out of anybody, because I'm working with them. I guess one thing that I need to do is pray some more.

Checklist.

-Read the Bible
-Pray
-Go to Bible study tonight

I didn't make it to church yeseterday...I stayed up too late playing video games. doh...

Anyway, I've decided to make a bedtime for myself. Man, it's like I have to treat myself like I'm a little kid again...heh.

Recently, I've been thinking about who I'm becoming more like. I'd say that I'm becoming more like the people at work...which is not a bad thing, but it's not what I'm used to being like.

Anyway, this world is pretty dark. I've heard some things that could really make someone sick. There truly is a god of this world, who is unlike the God that we should serve. More and more I see the truth of the Bible shown in the lives of people that I meet. Paul wrote a lot about things like that. And I guess I should read more of what he said to the early churches.

Basic stuff...

I've decided to do what I need to do first and then play video games afterwards. It's kind of funny how the mind works. I'm finding that if I play video games (which is what I want) first then I don't want to do anything else. But if I do what I need to do first and play video games afterwards, then it's more rewarding to play video games. I'm sure most of you are saying, "Duh." Hmm...I guess my parents did do a good thing with me when they made me do my hw first and everything that I needed to do first. Even if that meant not doing what I wanted to do that day. I'm thinking, why the heck am I learning this now? I think the reason is that my parents are letting me do as I please right now. They don't tell me to do very much or what to do all the time. So I have more freedom in choosing what I will do with my time.

I guess this is something that is necessary for me to do. Learn on my own.

I've always been amazed at how other people can make decisions right off the back. I've always had to think about what I'm going to do. Sometimes that has been a bad thing for me, because I didn't do things quickly enough. But I'm seeing that the people who do make decisions quickly are people who have made decisions for themselves. Most of my life, I've been told what to do. I really didn't have to think of what I had to do next. It's not necessarily a bad thing for parents to tell their kids what to do, but there comes a time when kids need to make their own decisions.

I really can't blame anybody for where I'm at now. But I do have my life to live and I've got to get a move on.

Well, in a few months, things are going to change quite a bit. Soon I'll be on my own for awhile.

Okay, I'm going to make it to church tomorrow. I'm going to go to sleep early tonight. heh.

You've got to praaaaaayyyyyyy~Uh! Oh yeah...

I'm finding that the more time you spend with people, the more you become like them. I'm finding that if I want to be a light, then I'm going to need to spend time with God in prayer, the Bible, and other Christians. Man, in all three of these, I've been lacking lately. I guess I need to pray.

Sometimes I'm too hard on myself. I'm my worst critic. I am a perfectionist when it comes to me...but when it comes to other people, I let it slide a lot more.

Anyway, I was thinking about this for a little bit after I posted. Am I willing to change? I mean, I say a lot of stuff about what's wrong with me, but am I willing to change to become a better person? I think that that's where I fall short. Maybe I am satisified with who I am right now. Maybe I'm just too lazy to make the necessary changes. But I know that I need to change in what habits I do. ie less video games, more Bible reading and praying. Yeah...

There's sometimes where I wonder why God placed me on this earth. I mean, sometimes I wonder what exactly I'm doing here. I don't always act responsible, I don't think that I'm well liked sometimes, I think that I just don't know how to relate to people.

It seems like the only thing that I'm good at is work and video games. And still at work, I feel like I'm not doing that great of a job anymore.

Someone once told me that "life is what you make out of it." It's like those books, "Choose your own adventure." Many of you probably have never heard of these books. But you read the book from the first page, then when you hit a certain page there would be two choices. If you chose choice one, then you would go to this page, if you chose choice two, then you would go to another page. And then you would come to another page with two more choices and so on. It would be kind of like choosing where you go within the author's context of the book. I really didn't like those books that often because the books wouldn't last too long, but when you think about it, it's not such a bad idea for a book. Kind of like playing a video game, but a video game is more interactive.

Anyway, obviously life is more complex than a choose your own adventure book. You have way more control to do things than turning to a page and reading out your destiny. But I can't help but think that sometimes life is kind of like those books. We each have our own choices to make, actions or reactions, and where you go depends on two people. You and God.

I kind of wonder about where I'm heading towards. I can't predict what's going to happen, but I have an idea of what might. Anyway, that's enough for right now babble for one day.

Man, I missed Bible study yesterday because I was playing video games and fell asleep before Bible study. Oh well...I guess I have choices to make. Go to sleep early, or play video games. hmm....

Dah! Missed church again...

Well...not sure what else to say, but I've really got to get this together. =(

I'm thinking to myself...there's good news, yet there's choices to make. Which path do I take. I wonder...it seems like there's only one right now. One correct one I mean...but we'll see.

I am not sure what plans God has for my life. Since I first came to know God and have a relationship through prayer, obedience and reading the Bible, I've seen that my life has dramatically improved. I thought, "This is truly what life is about." Then my life got busier and I put God aside so that I could get through school and get my work done. That was a mistake.

I'm not saying that school or work are bad things and I'm also not saying that you should put work or school aside for God, what I'm saying is that it was bad for my walk to go to the extremes and not find a balance between school, work, and God. I found that my relationship with God suffered when I didn't spend time with Him every day. And thus began my wandering in the desert.

My last two years of college were tough. Things changed quite a bit from how they first were when I came into college. I was now an upperclassman and expected to fill that role for the lowerclassmen. But I never did fill that role to the extent that I thought I would; I never stepped up to take the initiative. I never felt like a leader and I'm not sure if people expected me to be a leader or wondered why I wasn't a leader. I felt that school was a priority during that time.

Graduating became a factor and school pressures started to creep in. I felt that if I skipped AACF and worked on my studies during that time, I'd do better in school. What happened was a double whammy. I just thought about fellowship during that time when I skipped/not experiencing fellowship and I couldn't focus on my studies, thus wasting my time.

Even out of college, I still struggle with keeping a balance. With my weird schedule, I find that I'm sleeping at odd hours and working and waking up at odd hours. I also found that sleep became an issue in whatever I did. Would I get enough sleep if I did this? Or would it be better to skip? But, regardless of all of the activities, these are secondary to me in comparison to my relationship with God. God should be first and foremost in everything. And I found that I didn't even give God the attention that He deserved.

I guess what I'm saying is, my walk with God started off good, but neglecting my relationship with God for other things and the worries of life have choked what was most important...personal growth. I say this because I don't think that I have been a good example lately. I haven't been living my life with God. I haven't put Him first in everything. And I haven't been caring for either myself or my neighbor lately.

Anyway, where I am right now has been my choice. Yet God has been so good to me still.

I was reminded again of Christian community last week and this week. I remember what it was like in AACF. I remember what it was like back in college...the time that I had forgotten. So many times I've lived as if God wasn't alive and yet I always knew that He is. I saw it in my friends. I saw God in my friends.

Anyway, it's late right now and I don't know why I'm writing all of this. Only that I've got to live my life for God again. This world is a good place, but it's not eternal. I'm still struggling to find that balance in life. I mean, I can't just drop everything and say that I'm going to live for God. It has to be integrated into everything that I do...and that's not easy.

I don't know exactly what God has planned for me or anyone else, but I can't help but wonder about our purposes here. Do we all have a great purpose here? Does God have a great plan for our lives? And most important of all, how can we glorify God through our lives? Man, I'm not sure if I can live up to this. But we'll see where God leads me.

Work today sucked...I was pretty negative throughout all today. I guess the best thing to do is pray.

A time has just ended...a time has just begun

The 15 week period for my Perspectives class ended today. I woke up late and went late...usually I wake up early, but I fell asleep on the couch, so I didn't get to use my alarm. I went to class late but I got there after worship ended and the message was just beginning.

It definitely is a good class...intense, but good. I won't get the certificate. There's just no way that I can get all this done. I'm way too far behind and I won't be able to finish it all in time. So I gave up. But I am thinking that I should do the work anyway even if I won't turn it in.

I feel that I wasted some of my time there, because what am I going to use this for? Do I have a heart for people who have never heard the gospel? At one point in my life I did. But I do know that there are people in my own culture that have never heard the gospel before, even though they live in a place where there are relatively a lot more Christians.

What I've learned the most about this class is that it's not about making people like you. It's adapting the gospel in a way that makes sense to their culture without changing it from it's original meaning. What I found cool was that people can worship God in their own culture. They don't have to take on the culture of the foreign missionary and thus divorce themselves from their own culture. That would make them less effective to reach out to people that they know...like their family. However, I'm thinking that it does require turning away from the things that God considers wrong and following His ways found in the bible. But don't take my word for it, take the class.

Someone wrote in the book that we received that the greatest hinderance to the gospel is not language, but a culture clash. How do you tell someone about the Jesus in a way that makes sense to them in terms of their culture?

Anyway, I've learned a lot and I'll probably forget a lot. But I know that this is pretty much seen in the Bible...what I've learned in this class. I just didn't put it together.

I recommend this class to any Christian who's thinking about going on missions. I recommend this class to all church leaders too. I recommend this class to college students who are Christian also and have a strong foundation in their faith. But, be prepared to do a lot of work if you want to get the most out of it...like everything. This is not an easy class to get a certificate or even credit. But they do have an enrichment level where you can go to class and not have to do any of the reading or homework. But it will tell you more about what the speakers are talking about if you do. It's intense, but it's worth it.

I'm wondering...what is my next step. I've learned a lot of things about partnership and reaching other cultures...what I don't have is actually the experience to go out, or a great desire to either. But I want to do something for God. What I'm finding is that I really need to get back to God.

I kind of wonder...maybe I focus too much on what I did wrong instead of what I did right. I used to be a perfectionist, where if everything wasn't perfect, then I'd get upset. But nowadays, I'm not very much like that anymore, but I do have some of that in me still.

Anyway, part of me wonders if this world would have been a better place if I wasn't even born. But then, I come to the same answer. Life is a gift. Everyone has a purpose here. Some of us never reach that purpose.

You can't experience life when you're dead. I know that I'm going to get some arguments, but what I'm talking about is not about heaven and hell, but moreso the fact that you can only do things in this world here and when you leave, you won't experience what life is about here.

Anyway, I hope that I'm not causing people to get weird ideas, because my thinking is usually abstract and I don't express myself that well all the time. But yeah, you only get one shot at life. And even when you mess up, there will be other times that you can do something right. I've learned that life does not end when you make a critical mistake. You've got to keep living life, even if it isn't as good as it once was before. Hopefully there will be someone who will be the light in your life. But don't expect them to make things right. I've learned that we all have our own paths to walk.

I don't want to get too complicated, because I don't understand everything myself, but we each have our own life to live. And we each have to live our individual lives.

One mistake that I have been doing is trying to get things right I did wrong in the past by trying to make them work this time around...only with different people. What I'm learning is that I've got to leave the past in the past and know that this is different from the past. I guess I haven't learned the correct lessons that I've gotten past my mistakes. But I try...

Hmmm...now I remember why I kept a journal. Anyway, I guess I need the right lens to look at all this.

I remember a lot of how things used to be. And people have changed and I've changed. But how much? How much have we all changed and learned from our mistakes?

I guess I can't ask anybody that question, except myself. I wonder what God's plans for me are. I guess I can the answer to that in what I have a passion for. What am I willing to suffer for? What am I willing to even die for? I've got to really evaluate my life right now.

Realization

I remember why I became Christian a long time ago. I remembered why I followed Him then. I also was reminded just a little while ago that His way is much better than mine.

Man, I know that it may seem like things are better when you're not following God, but really His ways are actually good. I'm reminded that I need to put Him first again. I'm reminded of the great treasure of knowing God and what it means to be Christian.

Anyway, these are good words right now, but we'll see how well I'll keep this up. Anyway, I'm just thankful that there were reminders. Got to get ready to go.

Fukboi

If you're wondering how that's pronounced, it's fook-boy.

Now that I vented what was bothering me for the past few months, I will post what I originally intended to post.

Last night, the Wudan crew celebrated mine and another guy's birthday. I must say that I was pretty uneasy about it. I mean, people are actually celebrating my birthday. From how I've been acting the few times that I did come to bible study and random meetings where I hung out with them, I was kind of uneasy. But they really were a pick me up.

I got a shake and a 3 patty burger (which I couldn't finish) and I didn't have to pay anything for it. I shouldn't have gotten the shake, because it cost $5. Yeah, that's right...$5. So my meal came out to being $15. My other friend who we were also celebrating his birthday got something cheaper and didn't get a drink. I should do that next time. heh.

Anyway, they took us out to go bowling after dinner. It was pretty cool. I had a good time bowling and I did okay. Scored about 100 each game, which is good for me. The wudan crew was pretty good at bowling too. One guy had a ninja style of bowling. Another guy got a running start and rolled the ball pretty hard; he usually got strikes. One guy actually used spin on the ball. I think that that was the first time I bowled with my bible study.

It was pretty crazy, because everyone did pretty good.

I am lucky to have a group of friends like that. Even though I felt bad at some of the mistakes that I made, the Wudan crew is really a good group of guys. Anyway, I don't deserve good friends like these, but I'm with them for now and I should strive to learn from them as much as I can. I guess I should stop worrying about all the things that I've been worrying about and just be me. I've got to stop worrying and just let things be. Yeah...

I have this mindset of trying to find a purpose here in life. I found one in Jesus Christ, but have not been living it out recently. Now I'm wondering why God created me. I feel like I can't do anything right anymore.

Maybe it's more like people don't react the way that I'd like them too. And I know that this is wrong, but I guess I make expectations of myself. Usually I just blow it off and tell myself to try and do better the next time. But recently, I've been feeling like I've degraded quite a bit from where I used to be and have a tendency to make people not like me. I don't know if that's true, but I know that I don't know everything and nobody has said anything to me about this. So maybe what I'm feeling is not a big deal to everyone else.

But yeah, I couldn't help but wonder why God created me these past few weeks.

I must say though that I haven't worshipped God in a long time. I haven't made it to church for a month now and the one time that I made it to church this past sunday, service ended before I got there. I must say that that could be one reason why I've been feeling like this. Isolation does cause people to lose track of relationships and how things work. Anyway...

I need to get back into reading the Bible. I have taken God for granted for two months now and I need to refresh myself in His words in the Bible and see more of who He is, who I am, and who everyone else is. I must admit that when the times of struggle have come, I've fallen away instead of stepping up. Maybe that's one thing that I need to work on. Not being discouraged when the hard times come, because they will come. Learning to depend on God through the hard times and being who He created me to be (in His image) is something that I struggle with. Anyway....got to read more and stop playing video games.

I think that God has impressed this in me. "In everything, treat people the same way you want them to treat you for this is the law and the prophets." "Do not judge or you too will be judged, do not condemn or you too will be condemned, forgive and you'll be forgiven."

We're all human. We all have flaws. No matter what we think of the other person or not, it doesn't matter what we think of them or what they think of us. What matters is what God thinks of them and us. It's easy to judge someone else, but really, you've got to look at your own life. I keep telling myself that I'm not responsible for the wrongs that other people do to me or anyone else. God will judge everyone at the end of time, including me. So, therefore, I should worry more about my own actions and what I do rather than trying to worry about what other people do. Don't get me wrong though, if you can do something then it's good to do something, but you can't change other people. And I'm slowly remembering this.

Anyway, I have a feeling that more people read this blog than I know about. I also have a feeling that people from my church also read this blog too. Whether people have good intentions or bad intentions in reading this is not for me to judge. I really don't care anymore. I know what I'm not. And I know myself better than anyone else, except God.

Anyway, I'm going to live my life regardless of what other people think. It doesn't matter anymore what other people think. This is my life and I'm going to live it my way.

I guess some of you might be wondering what I'm talking about. Sometimes when you think that people think something about you, then you tend to act that way. What I'm saying is, give up caring what other people think about you and become a person of great value. Become a person outstanding in character and in good deeds. Only let that be the core of who you are and not the outside appearance.

For too long I've cared about what other people think. Still, I do care, but I'm being reminded that my worth is seen in God's love for me. People can think whatever they want. They may be right, or they may be wrong. But what matters most is what God thinks of me. Who is anybody to judge anybody else? Is anybody qualified? I think that it's time to stop living under a bowl and to start to come out. Yeah, that's right...

A lot of people don't know me. A lot of people are acquaintences. There's nothing wrong with that. But I'm not going to let people determine who I am anymore. That's for me to decide.

Weekend...

I must say that I had a good weekend, but I felt really weird feeling good for once. Of all the other times that I've spent playing video games, I haven't felt as alive as I did when I spent time with people. I guess it could be either good or depressing depending on your friends or company you keep. But yeah, that's why it's important to find people who have good character.

Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah

I babbled on again in my blog and I just deleted all that I wrote. I don't think that writing your problems on the internet is a good thing all the time. You'll never know who is reading this stuff. Anyway, I will post some more info later.

The day is almost over. I don't know what to say anymore. I wasted pretty much all my free time. Well, I guess I should stop worrying about what I can't help anymore...