Nothing much to talk about. I've been feeling kind of down, and I think that it's because I'm not making it to church. I've been spending a lot of time playing video games on the weekends and during this holiday season.

I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future, but I know that I must be more responsible than I am now, or else bad things might happen in the future.

Anyway, I'm going to get going...

I was thinking today about a year ago when I came back from Japan for the holidays. It was good to see my family and friends, but I always will remember that it was way different from how I was treated in Japan. I guess it's kind of hard to explain, but I felt like I could be more open in Japan because I was away from all the norms from home.

When I came home, the feeling of being a little kid came back to me. Maybe it was living with my parents again or being around everyone and me expecting them to expect me to be a certain way. I don't know...but definitely I do feel like a kid again...even though my parents have been treating me more like an adult nowadays.

Maybe soon I'll be on my own again and then I'll be forced again to grow up. But for now, I'm not sure what I want to do with my life.

Don't get me wrong though...my parents have been really good to me. I just don't know what it is I want with my life.

Anyway, i've got to go...

I could write a lot now, but for the sake of going to sleep, I'm going to cut it down.

I went to my company party tonight, and had a good time. It was a really nice event that my company put together. I'm wondering exactly how much it all cost, because this seemed way too good than what I'm used to.

Anyway, lots of entertainment at the party...several people sang, several people played strings, and a band played at the end. They were called Kay Kay and were on a talk show recently. Man, it was just too much...but really awesome!

They had two dance instructors come in and teach everyone some dance moves. Apparently I need to brush my teeth after I eat, because I think that the people I switched off with didn't like that smell. heh. Anyway, had a good time with my date too.

My friends were wondering who I brought, as she didn't show up until later. And the answer is obvious, because there is only one person I feel comfortable with. Apparently people who I know read my blog as someone I didn't even tell that I was bringing someone asked me about who I was bringing. And he got his info from someone else. hmm...anyway, I know who you are. =)

Man, I probably should wake up tomorrow on time...I'm thinking that I'll most likely get fired someday for being late. Man, For some reason, I felt pretty weird today. I don't know why I felt so tired, but I was guessing that it had to do with those 2 twenty two ounces cans of iced tea I drank yesterday...hmmm...man, that stufff...got to cut it out. That's also another reason why I don't drink. It would ruin my life practically. So no booze for me...iced tea and coffee is as far as I'll go.

Man...okay, got to sleep.

[EDIT]

Okay, so I decided to youtube the band kay kay. Apparently they're called "Kay Kay and his Weathered Underground." You can find them on youtube found here.

[Another EDIT]
Okay, I found the link on youtube where they're on the Carson Daly show on the Last call. You can find the link here.

After a long week of feeling bad, I was thinking of not going to fellowship tonight. I didn't want to bring all the crap that I had going on this past week.

Anyway, I went to fellowship...because I always go to fellowship...but yeah, I still have some issues going on in the back of my mind right now.

Fellowship was good. Just a good time of talking to people. However, I kind of think that my face showed the pain that in my heart, because people probably reflected back to me my face that I was giving them.

I don't know what to say anymore...I guess I've got to just deal with it and pray. There are steps that I can take to make things better, but it will also take some initiative on my part.

I'm kind of tired of going to work each day and feeling bad most of the time. I can't think to myself and laugh to myself, because people think that I'm laughing at them. Maybe I'm weird, but I think a lot about the funny things that happened in the past. That's what happens when you're raised introverted. you make your own good time with yourself and are not very good at reaching out to others. Maybe that's something I should change about myself. To "force myself" as Harrison Ford would say...(taken from a TV interview on the news.)

Someone asked me today about if I'm looking forward to my company party. To be honest, I'm not really looking forward to my company party even though I will be going with good friends and a nice person as a date. Something about me is dreading this party...and I think that it's the fact that there will be drinking there and I just have bad memories of another party where everyone got drunk and acted really weird. That wasn't fun at all and I don't see how people can have fun when they're not in their right mind.

Well, I guess alcohol does loosen people up, but it is weird for me to be around people when they're drinking or drunk. I don't know what it is, but apparently something inside of me doesn't like that.

I can't seem to give the right answers to people, as I give weird tangents and off topic things about this party. But I am looking forward to going with my date and my friends there. But something about me just doesn't want to go to this party...and i'm dreading something...unforeseen. But most likely it's nothing.

Anyway, this week has been a hard week and I can see in people's faces my face in their looks or concerns they give to me.

My mom was right that I need to learn how to address these problems when they happen and not let them fester. I don't know what to think, but I think that maybe I need to spend more time with God on the weekdays. And learn how to talk to people when something bothers me and not just keep it to myself.

Frankly speaking, I can't keep letting people just say anything to me when it bothers me. I need to say something and speak up for myself. I'm an adult now. I know that I'm not a kid anymore. Maybe this is a lesson God is trying to teach me. Maybe I was meant to go through all this pain this past week.

Anyway, I want to say that I'm going to be a better person, but I can't say that, I can only make efforts and improve slowly...it's not going to happen by saying it...and I need to be conscious of decisions and their effects and consequences.

As for Christmas shopping...I still don't have things for most of the people on my list. I have 2 out of 7 so far. Man, I don't know what to say...maybe I should shop online...heh. ugh...well...got to get going

As I'm now working I'm finding that I have little time left in my day after work ends. Most of my life is now work and my relationships with my coworkers. I am also finding it tough to make it to church as I've been oversleeping for church. I don't want to show up late, but I don't want to wake up on time. It seems like something in me just wants to sleep in more...

I don't know what's happening to me, but I think that it has to do with me not taking care of myself. Why am I up this late? Or why am I not exercising? It probably has more to do with what I want instead of what's good for me.

One of my friends has been telling me that everything we do should be for the glory of God. I find that I'm having trouble doing that with what I'm doing in my own personal life. Why am I doing all these things? I'm not doing anything bad, but what I'm doing is filling my time with things that may not be beneficial. Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.

I wonder what my life would be like if I got things together. We'll see. Maybe this is a sign that I need to exercise and start to work faster. And get more sleep.

It seems like I have no time anymore...I probably should stop using the internet to check sports and read articles. Since I have little time, I probably should spend it better.

a day of near misses

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I even thought of not going to fellowship because I was in such a bad mood.

Anyway, nothing bad happened, but a lot of things could have happened...a lot of near misses. I won't go into details, but it just seemed like things were just not going my way.

I am lucky though that nothing bad did happen and I escaped for a day into the next. I can only say that God was looking out for me. It could have been even worse if those things did happen.

As I take the test tomorrow, I know I'm going to fail...I don't know what to say....maybe language isn't my thing. Maybe I just don't know how to delay my gratification to study and put that first instead of having fun. Well...I think this is another lesson that I should have learned the last two times I took the test. But yeah, we'll see what happens in the future.