So yeah, in my last post, i was a little frustrated. I think I may have thought about it too much. A simple question released a lot of what was going through my head.

Anyway, I cooled down a little bit more. I'm finding that through these days of doing the daily grind and not doing much with my life, I'm just thinking way too much.

Well, a change that happened today was that I actually went to church. I missed service though, so a majority of what happened there is absent from my memory. It was the last day of service for the youth pastor at our church. He felt God calling him elsewhere and it is a hard decision, but the church felt that he should pursue that by letting him go after about 2 years after he announced that. The youth pastor has no immediate job and will be looking for what God has in store for them.

I always enjoyed his sermons as they were challenging and true to the current days of life. He talked about 911, the talents and how it's not about the money, and how God works through so many people without us realizing it. So many others I missed though...but those three stand out.

Anyway, I will miss him. He definitely did some great work at my church and I know that he'll do great work where God has called him.

I keep on thinking about my life and how I'm missing what God has in store for me. I could be doing so much more with my life. I know that praying is a good start, but praying doesn't mean that it'll happen magically, but that I need to be alert and active for the answer to the prayer.

Anyway, it was good to be back at church, even if I missed the majority of it. I told myself that I will come every week, regardless of how late I am. That's a good habit to have and maybe I'll see more of what I'm missing these days.

It's already almost July and it has been 1 year since I came back from Japan. I kind of want to do something productive. Maybe God is messing with my internet connection as a sign to tell me to spend less time on WoW and more time doing something useful. heh. Or, it could be something else. Anyway, it has been good to spend less time on WoW. Anyway, nothing productive comes from wasting time in an alternate reality.

My question then becomes with my life, "for what purpose?"

Today, I was talking with one of my friends about life and how I feel like life is passing me by. I told him about what I could be doing with my life and what I could be focusing on. My friend has a wider scale of life than I do and he mentioned that I could be living for something bigger than myself.

That's all good and all. I used to think like that, but then it became, "how do i do that? and what bigger purpose would I be living for?" I still haven't found it yet.

So after the days I was thinking of this, I had no clue of what I would do and I needed a job, so I'm now in the working world.

I know that I should be living for God and trying to make everything count and make the most of every opportunity because the days are evil. meaning that you'll never know what happens in the future and you may never get another chance to talk with the person again.

Thinking about things, I tried to do that in college and yet I missed the point. I didn't really develop any friendships with the people that I met. I didn't really know how to. The most important thing was time and it was something that I had little of. The more I spent it with people, the less time I had to work on stuff in my studies. The more I studied the less time I had to really talk with other people.

Anyway, I don't know what the heck I'm trying to say, but I get the feeling that people think that I'm just not living for God. And I can't really communicate to others my reasons for doing things. Maybe I'm not living for God. Tell me how I can live for God and what exactly does that look like? Making it to church? yes. Praying? yes. Serving others? yes. Loving others as yourself? Yes. Loving God as your most important person in your life? yes. So what the heck am I not doing besides not making it to church?

The more I look at things, the reasons stated above are just trivial reasons. My friend would tell me that you should give your life to God and that everything you do should have a purpose. That's grand and all, but I fail to see how everything that I do, is for God. I mean, as a Christian we are God's ambassadors and we can reflect Him positively or negatively. Is that what he means? I don't think so. Maybe what he's trying to say is, your life purpose should be for Him. Does that mean your job? Does that mean, what you do after work? I know what he's saying is to glorify God in everything we do as human beings. And I know that he doesn't mean "being perfect."

What does he mean then? I know as human beings we will all make mistakes. We will all fail in some respect. We will all lose at something. But what the great thing about God is that He forgives us is we do something wrong. And as God loves us, so we should love one another.

I know that we will even fail in that too. But you've got to keep on trying.

So I know from experience that people will fail you. Just as I've failed them. But the great thing is that I've seen people take God seriously and forgive me for my failures. Not everyone though, but the few that have, I am friends with still to this day.

So what does living for God mean? What does giving your life to God mean? Well, not always putting yourself first and putting God and others first. Not meaning that you let everyone have their way with you, but really trying to do what God would do. And what does that look like? I guess I have to decide that for myself. Maybe that's what my friend was trying to hint at.

heh, man, a lot has been on my mind.

So then my next questions becomes...how do I relate that to where I'm at right now? What is it that God wants me to do?

I guess what my pastor said a long time ago..."it's not about doing all the time, but it's about being." So does it matter what I do? Yes it does. But I guess I need to be who God created me to be. And right now, I'm not who I am created to be.

What does "taking God seriously mean?" Well, I guess I have His words in a book to read. Maybe I should try to work that out into my life...and yeah...I guess I have to wrestle some more with them.

One guy wrote that we should not pray and expect God to work these things out in our lives magically if we are wanting to live out the bible. He wrote that we should be trying to figure out how we can live that out and what it looks like when we do come across that situation. I guess people do do that today.

Anyway, this probably doesn't make sense as it was just a lot of random thoughts of what was going through my head. It's still making me think a lot especially with where I could go next in terms of where I'm headed with my life.

To live one's life for God? What does that look like? And what does that mean? Things I struggled with in college and really got no direction from anybody. I think that that messed with me in terms of what I thought it looked like. And apparently to me it looks like not what you're doing all the time, but who you are. However, who you are should dictate what you do.

Anyway, nobody has given me a definite answer. And I don't think anybody can. And that is the annoying part. Because people tell me that I need to do something and nobody can help me through this. I guess wrestling is a one on one sport. And what's worse is that I always feel bad...

okay, so apparently I need to get a schedule in order...And stick to it. Okay...discipline...

Now I'm faced with a decision that could affect my next year or two. I'm not sure exactly what I should do. But if there's one thing that I've learned from my bible study was that "you should always turn to God first when making big decisions."

Everything in your life should be God centered and reflecting on this past year, I've seen that for me, it hasn't been. I've been mainly doing what I want to do. I've been goofing off, not hanging out, not making it to church, not cleaning my room or even doing what I know I should be doing in addition to those mentioned. I keep on writing about these things, but I know that I need to be responsible and reliable. I'm not able to do these thing anymore due to the fact that I keep on not forcing myself to go out and do what God would like me to do.

I know that the center of all this is spending time with God in the Bible, church, and prayer. It should be those that take up the center of my life as those will help me to have some kind of purpose here on earth. I'm thinking that maybe this is a wake up call for me to get on it and grow up.

Anyway, probably most of you out there could care less about what I decide or that I haven't been making it to church. But I know that some of you have been trying to get me to do those things. I won't say that I'm going to just up and do them spontaneously, but i'll start tonight...even though it is pretty late. I'll keep it short...for about 10 minutes. Start out small, and grow from there. (spend time with God.)

I know that God has great plans for me, but it depends on whether or not I'm listening to His direction. Maybe this was a wake up call for me...maybe God knew that I would make these choices and He's acting in my life after a period of letting me make mistakes. Whatever it is, I know that I can't do what I want to do all the time and it's going to take some sacrifice of some things for other things.

I wonder if I was meant to come to this point. Only time will tell. If I can succeed in this, then things will look better. But I guess it's starts now...and i don't know if I can do this anymore...but I'll try again and stick to it.

Anyway, nothing serious happened, but I'm just seeing that I'm going nowhere right now. And something did come up. Well, I trust that if I follow God then I'll be alright, regardless of the bad things that happen to me. This life is not the end. And there is more to this life on earth for the next life.

It's been awhile since I last posted. So what's new?

I've been playing the world of warcraft for these past 6 months. It has really sucked in a lot of my time. I've been late to work consistently because I keep on playing the game way late and I can 't get up. It has been a problem for me to wake up on time, so I'm taking a break for a week from warcraft to get myself back into the swing of things.

Speaking of swing, I started swing lessons. Just the basic class though. I really suck at it right now, but it is pretty fun. I think I will go on to the next class if they offer one. I saw one guy swing dancing tonight who was pretty good. It looked like he was pretty smooth and I'm sure that the woman dancing with him was having a lot of fun. I want to go dancing some more and learn how to be like that. heh.

Anyway, I was sure that I didn't want to do this before I signed up for lessons, but now I wish that I signed up earlier. The teachers are great and it's so much fun to be moving around and doing stuff that looks pretty cool, even though I am clumsy right now. All I can say is, man I want to get better.

It's a time in my life right now when I'm just sort of hanging around. I'm still living with my parents and I'm working a decent job. But one thing that someone told me was, "Don't get too comfortable." Things could be shaken up by mediocrity if you don't improve your life. you might get laid off, or things could change suddenly in some known area. He didn't tell me this, but I kind of got what he was trying to say. "Stay one step ahead of things so you won't get caught by surprise."

I know that things have to change in my life right now. I need to change things and right now, I'm going nowhere. I want to make some time for the things that really matter.

One reason why I'm taking a vacation from warcraft is that I've seen that there were lots of losers on warcraft. They say things like, "want to buy girls IRL," or they just say things that they wouldn't say in real life because they're anonymous on the internet with a screen name and not their real name.

One thing that comes to mind is that "a man reaps what he sows." Meaning that what you start building in your life is what you will receive in your life. It's not karma, it's not random things that you do will come back to you somehow. It's direct things you do, (what you think, what you say, what you work on, what you sin in,) those are the things that will come back to you, because you have experience in those things. There is a consequence for everything and it will affect you somehow in some way.

Right now, I know that I'm doing nothing with my life and I need to do something. If I am successful in making something good, then it will make my life happier. Right now, I need to do something to make some changes and make it to work on time, and to make myself into a better person.

Right now, this is talk...the real challenge comes in starting something and sticking to it.