I was thinking today..."if I don't do anything to improve or to reach a different level...then where will I be? At the same level as I was 3 years ago."

Yeah, definitely I need to make some hard decisions. I don't want to be at this same stage in my life 7 years from now.

I know that I can become a better person if I work at it...but as of lately, I've been feeling really lazy and wanting to stay inside my comfort zone. No growth, no pain, no progress.

Well...guess I've got to choose what I should do in my time here on earth.

As my passenger said, "I saw my life flash before my eyes." Yeah, maybe I should try to get more sleep and pay attention to the drivers that don't stop at stop signs. Well, it was Chinatown, but still man, the guy driving wasn't Chinese, he was Caucasian.

Anyway, nobody got hurt and nobody crashed into anybody else...so I'm lucky.

I was thinking of someone else who got hurt in a car accident and was paralyzed from it. It wasn't his fault, but he paid the price for someone else's mistake. Anyway, he is such a great guy and has so much talent, but he can't do that now anymore...and I wonder, why is there senseless things happening? I don't have the answer...but I can only hope that God will do something great for him.

Reminds me that I could be here one moment and gone the next...what will I say to my maker when I meet Him? And what will He say to me? I don't think that He'll say, "Well done good and faithful servant." Anyway, to the guy who got paralyzed though, I can honestly say that I do think that God will say to him that phrase.

Do I trust that God can do great works in everything...for good? I'm reminded of the senselessness of things sometimes and as of right now, my mind is numb. I don't know if believing means letting go of reality...in the sense that the times that I prayed...in the serious cases, I believed that something good would happen and that people would be healed, but it didn't happen. Was my faith too little? Or did God say no? I guess I'll never see what God sees in the world, because He sees everything and is constantly working. Me on the other hand, what am I doing for the Kingdom? Maybe I should try to make it to church and hear a word from God so that I can be part of the body instead of this island in the middle of nowhere...Anyway, I'm off topic again...

So yeah...I never expected to live long anyway. But maybe there's a higher chance of that happening. We'll see...

Monday...what's new? It seems like I have very little time to myself lately...I guess that's a good thing in its own way as I'm not being a nerd and staying home all the time.

Anyway, I should probably read the Harry Potter book 6 before everyone reads book 7 and the ending is spoiled somehow...man, I love those books, but I haven't read book 6 yet.

Well...it's late...I'm tired...I want to sleep, but should get some things done first. I'm not sure exactly what is going to happen tomorrow, but maybe I should get some sleep and be prepared for tomorrow.

I was lucky today as traffic was really good as it usually is on Mondays. Tuesdays through Thursdays however suck.

Anyway, I was thinking about the camp for a little bit today. I don't know what to say...the lessons were good reminders for me to follow God, but I'm thinking, do I really trust God? (deleted)

Anyway, fire...was on one of my friend's notes. Seems like that's a common theme with God. But still man, it burns...

That song, Lord light the fire in my soul...or some song like that...one line is, "Lord won't you burn away the dross, light the fire in my soul." Something like that. Anyway, I've jumped out quite a few times because i couldn't stand the heat, but we'll see...it seems like if I can endure long enough, then things will be alright for that moment. Anyway, I'm pretty weak now...but hopefully someday, I can be the person who God created me to be.

Malachi 3:3

I don't have much time to write, but yeah, had a soccer game this past night. Went pretty well. One of the guys was leaving to go back to school, so this was his last game. Went to happy hour for cheap food to celebrate. Cheap, but good food.

Anyway, he's a good guy and I know that he'll do well in life.

I missed church again, but what's new? It seems like I'm just not motivated to get up. Why is that? And why the heck do I just want to sleep in so much? I mean, it's almost 12am right now and I'm still up but I'll most likely get up in time for work tomorrow. What is it that I just don't want to do? Anyway, probably in my subconsciousness somewhere that I have a reason why I don't want to go to church.

When I think about it, I think that sometimes people just don't know who I am and I kind of wonder if they have negative feelings towards me or something. Maybe I scare them with my randomness or inconsistent talk. But when I think about things...I could use that as an excuse to stay home, but I have more reasons to go rather than stay home. It seems that the negative is a very powerful force in my life that stops me from experiencing what is good. Maybe I need to just grit my teeth and step in the discomfort zone.

Anyway, I'm most likely going to be tired tomorrow, yet I'll most likely wake up to get to work on time. Hmm...maybe I should pray about making it to church on time.

Anyway, one last thing...the children's camp leader emailed me an email saying that I was one of the kid's favorite teachers. I'm kind of baffled at that, because I really didn't talk to the kid that much. Maybe it was me leading worship and doing the song "making melodies." But I kind of wonder if he got my name mixed up with one of the other teachers. heh. Anyway, it was a nice email and a positive thing that really brightened up my day/night.

Really, regardless of whether people are nice to you or mean to you, they are still people and as Jesus said here basically you've probably heard this before, but it goes by saying, "Treat people the same way you want them to treat you." As people have really been nice to me in the past when I've been terrible to them, I can understand that anybody can change if someone is praying for them or asking God to be part of their life. Not saying that you should have contact with people like that, but saying that yeah, pray for those who persecute you so that you may be sons of your father who is in heaven.

With kids, it's a little easier to do that, because they're still innocent and they may not know any better. But with adults...it's been tougher for me, because they are my peers and it hits home when some may not like me. But I know that whatever happens, whether we are friends or not in the end, we are still related to one another (adam and eve) and we're all here for a purpose. Got to forgive and forget. But if it hits too hard and too close to home, that I should tell them about it in a way that is not accusing or condescending...hard I know... God values them and me though and is a God is relationships. Anyway, I know how to do this, it's just that other people may not. But then again, we're all at different stages in our lives.

Anyway, enough babbling for tonight. Got to go to work tomorrow. Heh, as I was looking over these last few sentences, I wrote, "God to go to work tomorrow." heh

Anyway, I'll try to make it to church next week. But we'll see. It might be another struggle to get out of bed. Maybe if I exercise, I can wake up easier...

As of right now, one of my friends is having a farewell party because she's going to Japan to teach English for a year. I'm wondering if I should be selfish and stay home. I kind of don't want to go, because I've had little time to myself lately. But I know that it would be good to go though...to show my support for her and talk to her about Japan a little bit.

Anyway, I know that she'll have a great time. But I also know that it may be tough for her, because she probably doesn't know the Japanese language that well. I struggled in Japan because of the language barrier. I have more respect now for people who come to foreign countries because things are different from their home country and that is a cause of friction. It also doesn't help when the natives are not very friendly either...but as I've experienced, generally, people in Japan are okay, but there are few exceptions...

The previous statement is true wherever you go. There are some decent people in places, but there are also some people who may not be so great. I only hope that she'll be okay through her time there. It's pretty safe for the most part, but yeah, you can't be naive in the big city as it could be dangerous in some areas. But generally, Japan is safer than here in the US.

I think that I became more secure in my time in Japan as I've started to care less about what other people think and care more about being me. Yeah, I'm a dork, but whatever...anyway, that's not the point. I'm okay with myself and that's the most important thing to me in terms of my self image. I know that people will have problems with me, but I'm sure that if they knew who I am, then they'd find reason to like me. But then again, I've had some experiences where I just don't mix with other people. Don't know why, but maybe it's that I just speak babble all the time and am not very coherent. I guess I do scare people from time to time.

Anyway...

I'm thinking to myself...man...I need to go to sleep, but I want to play FFXII...I do have to film a soccer game on Sunday, so maybe I should go to sleep so I don't feel so bad on Sunday. Oh well...maybe I should be a better friend to my friend since his reputation in film is on the line because of him hiring us as contractors.

Oh well...

Man, I'm so tired...

I want to play video games this weekend. I wrote some stuff, but I deleted it because it was too personal.

Anyway, lots of things have been going on. I haven't really had time to relax all that much. And as seen by the time on this blog, (I like to keep the time accurate,) I'm up late again.

Anyway, I'm wondering exactly what purpose I have on earth. I keep on thinking that I'm never going to find it just sitting here. Maybe I should serve somewhere. One of my friends suggested serving at the children's ministry at my church. While that sounds good, I wonder if I should help at all. I mean, what can I offer these kids? I guess just being there may mean something to them...

Anyway, I want this week to end so I can rest. Anyway, I probably should get some sleep...but I feel like I just want to waste time and just sit here.

Nothing interesting I'm going to post. Interesting things have happened, but they're too personal.

Anyway, one note, I watched Team America at work today. I'm like...some parts were funny, but it was so wrong and I cannot recommend this to everyone. I will not watch this again. Some things, a puppet should not do. My friend said that he still has bad images of that movie...and yet he showed it to me. But overall, some of the humor was pretty good. One of the main characters was disguised as a terrorist and his buddies didn't know that it was him, so they were shooting at the runaway vehicle. He was yelling from the runaway vehicle, "it's me! it's me!" he didn't want to be shot. Then his friend that was chasing in another vehicle was looking through the binoculars said, "It looks like one of the terrorists is saying, 'kiss me! kiss me!'" His partner said, "that punk! lets get him!" Okay...maybe I should raz him next week about showing me that movie. Anyway, I kind of wonder if it was wise to watch that while I was working...as I laugh pretty hard and it's heard throughout the compound. Anyway, that movie is not recommended.

Anyway, I sucked at filming the past couple of times. We were filming a soccer team and I kind of wonder if I'm letting my friend down by not being on top of things. Luckily, I didn't havec to do much filming. They wanted close up shots of the player's faces, and one of my shots had the player in the bottom right corner of the camera screen. Generally, you want the player in the middle of the screen, unless you're leading them when they're dribbling the ball. Anyway, maybe I should try to go to sleep.

Man, I've been really busy lately.

So i was searching last night on google my blog name and found some other people with the same name as my blog. I guess it's not an uncommon name as many people can say that they're here for something.

Anyway, why I chose this name was that I wanted to show people that I do have a purpose here on this earth and that I'm not just an empty person. I always wanted my life to count for something...but I found that it's so easy to just ride the waves than to really make any impact.

I don't know why I'm here on this earth or what reason God had for creating me, but I know that we all have our purposes in life. Some are to make a name for ourselves or fame or fortune...or even little things like helping the old lady carry her groceries or take out her trash. But if you get on track with the most important thing..."being obedient to God" and living for His purpose, then you'll experience what life is about. And I feel like I'm just not a good witness or that I don't really reflect Christ all that well. Maybe I should stop worrying about that and just go out there and try.

Part of me is feeling that I'm just not equipped right now, because I haven't spent that much time with God lately...as I've been finding that once you start working full time, you have very little time left...unless you sacrifice sleep...which I wouldn't recommend especially if you drive to work...which most of us do. Anyway, it's almost midnight now and I'm rambling on.

Part of me says to stop procrastinating and just do the things you need to do. But the other part of me wants to relax and just waste time...I don't know why the heck I want to waste time, but just thinking to myself has been part of my life for awhile now.

Anyway....

A question asked me today was, "what were you doing today?" As not making it to church, and seeing everyone for a birthday dinner, it wasn't too hard to explain...anyway, I overslept again...and I didn't want to open my eyes at all. I slept for quite awhile...until noon.

The night before, I filmed a soccer game and my filming really sucked. My friend asked me if I got enough sleep the night before, and I thought that I did, but I guess not. I went to sleep around a good time and woke up late...but yeah, maybe the week built up on my tiredness. Anyway, I'm thinking that I probably need to exercise.

Anyway, as it's pretty late now, I should go to sleep.

I'm wondering exactly what the heck is going on. But anyway, probably nothing...

I'm seeing that definitely there are some things that need to be done. And that the need is great. There's so much going on...I kind of just want to sleep. I didn't believe them when they said that there would be less time when I got a full time job, but as it happened, I'm strapped for time.

Anyway, I guess that's what life is when you reach the real world. I've been so sheltered and I've seen that really this world is in need. But as I've learned, it's not so much about the world that I need to be focused on, but really glorifying God in my own life and that doing what I do should be done because of what God did and for God. But still, I struggle with choosing the right things when nobody is looking.

Anyway, I need to sleep...

When I think about all the crazy things that have happened recently in the world, I kind of wonder...

Anyway, it makes me wonder why I was created? Why the heck are any of us here? But the fact is, we're here. Anyway, I've got to sleep.

I watched half of Bridge to Terebithia (spelling?) tonight on DVD. My dad got it off of Netflix. My mom really wanted to watch that movie, I'm surprised that he didn't wait for her to come home.

Anyway, I remember it being a really good book. I read it when I was kid...but yeah, I didn't understand a lot of the things the author wrote about at the time. Maybe it was good for me to see the human side of everyone at such a young age. But then again, I really didn't understand it or really remember too much about the book besides the ending. When I finished the book at a young age, I talked to my mom about it and she explained some of it to me. I'm not sure, but I might have ruined the ending for her. Anyway, good story...

When I think about things going on in the world and at home in this city...I know that so much crap happens everyday...and I'm helpless to do anything about it seems...I used to pray a lot...especially for people who had cancer...and I heard reports of all of them finally dying...except one...

I used to think that it's good for them to be in heaven...but then, I really don't know about...I'm not sure what I'm talking about...but I wonder why is it that things happen...why is it that so many good people have these terrible things happen to them? And I think...why is it that I'm still here...someone who is not that great compared to all the rest that have these trials?

But then again...I want to believe that God has good plans for all of us and can use anything for the greater good...but it seems to me that a lot of things that happen are senseless.

This past Sunday, I made it to church...I actually woke up at 9am. Church starts at 9:30. heh. I went a little late...the people at the door greeted me and said, "Jon you're early!" "No, I'm late..." I replied. "Church starts at 10 today," she said with a smile.

The pastor gave a message about "where was God when the bridge collapsed? Where was He?" I forgot most of the message as I was sleeping during service...but one thing that stood out to me was, "He was right there with each one of them."

I know that God exists as I've seen things happen that can't be explained except by God orchestrating them to happen...I can't explain the wrong things that happen in this world...except that it does happen and God is not alone...

I want to believe that whatever happens, things will be alright. Whether it happens to me, someone I know, or my family...but part of me knows that things may not be alright...unless I and others depend on God.

I don't believe that God has malicious intentions for us. But I know that He allows some things to happen...

I don't know what to do anymore...except pray...I know that it really shows one's faith when they are the source of encouragement when they go through trials...I can only say that it's because of God that people are like that.

Anyway...I've been babbling some more....

I like to think in the car. It's one of the few places that I'm alone...that, my room, and the bathroom.

Anyway, tonight everyone was a little on edge. I don't know why, but maybe it was just a long day for everyone.

Anyway, I kept on thinking about church tomorrow after one of my friends said that they'd call me tomorrow (today) to wake me up for church. I kept on thinking...my relationship with God has dwindled quite a bit. Then I thought, "Who's fault is that?" Mine of course. God does everything He can to reach out to me, but I felt like I abandoned Him in Japan.

Anyway, I've come back different and not as good as I once was. I keep on thinking that I don't belong with God or in His family...everyone is so great and I'm just someone who is kind of there. I do see some people in the church that could become better people, but who am I to judge when I myself do not do so well. I know that we're all imperfect and we all will fail...but yeah, it's not out of our reach to become better people...especially if we follow God and His word.

Which is why I feel like I'm just not really following God right now. I mean, I try, but it seems like I'm spending so much time just doing what I want to do instead of what's good for me.

Anyway...it brings doubts in my heart about whether or not I should help out at this year's kid's camp. Will I be a bad example? I don't know...but yeah, one thing about serving is that you always need to have that relationship with God and the relationship with your team.

As one of my friends pointed out about serving alone in a ministry at church..."doing ministry by yourself is a crappy model." He is getting burned out as he's the only one who helps out with the homeless feeding. No other leader or consistent person has come to step up to take some of the burden off. I've thought about taking up a leadership role in that, but then I think about the frustrations that he would probably have if I were the one serving with him. And I think about how I probably wouldn't have any ideas as to how to reach out.

Anyway, another thing that crossed my mind was that, "if I don't have a living relationship with God right now, then what makes me think that I can serve in this ministry?" It's been very inconsistent in my times with God. Not to mention that I haven't gone to church in awhile.

Anyway, late night ramblings when I should be sleeping.

If I make it to church tomorrow, then that will be good. But if I don't, then that will be bad. I know that God does use our time at church...but that it's not to feel better or only to fellowship, but to get together and be equipped to go out into the world.

There is some things that I should be part of in the church...especially reaching out to the Japanese exchange students that have been eating lunch with us. But man...I don't know why...but I really don't like the restaurants that we eat at sometimes...I guess I'm more of a casual eater than a nice place type of person. Plus I really don't care for expensive food...especially when it's not my type of restaurant. But I go and it's about being with people rather than the food.

But still, I am really different from everyone in the group...except for one guy...who's a nerd like me. heh. Anyway, in Japan, I learned how to choose what I want to do and not be unhappy...while that's good, I feel like maybe that's not always good. Sometimes it'd be good to go with the flow sometimes...but still, I know that I need to make my own decisions and not let someone else do the thinking for me.

Anyway, whatever...