Sometimes you've just got to roll with the punches.

I was thinking last night that it's so easy to say that "God is against me." When in truth God is against no one. He is for all people as seen in John 3:16 and Jesus on the cross. I like to think that things will work out in my life, but in reality I'm probably going to have to make some hard choices.

Anyway, even though I know that God is for all people, it's hard to love people sometimes. But that's what God does, and that's what He calls us to do too. Unconditional love for people. Not an easy task. I'm still learning.

Sometimes it's hard to love people who don't know or love you. But what I like to think is that God knows me and even though people may not, He knows who I am and cares for me. Because of that, I don't really care too much of what other people think about me. Or at least I try not to. People can think anything about another person. Most of the time, people do that out of ignorance. What matters most is to love them and love yourself.

All people have worth. It's hard to see sometimes, but God didn't just send His son for only the "good" people. He came to save what was lost. It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick.

Someone once told me that they thought that I was a really nice guy and that I am taken for granted. Indeed, I thought that even before she said that. Even today, I feel that now. But what does it matter? What does it matter what other people think? My worth is not seen in them. My worth is separate from them. As one person put it, "Even if this whole world rejects me, God will still love me."

I think that God is taken for granted a lot too. I'm always amazed at His love for mankind. If I were Him, I would have given up long ago. But He keeps persevering until all people hear about Him. I'm amazed that He's so good and gracious. And that is why I need to care more about what He thinks rather than what other people think. If God can love such an unloving people, us, then shouldn't we try to love God? And, shouldn't we try to love other people as well? Not an easy thing to do.

Anyway, I've said nothing new. I guess the thing that we are all here to do is sometimes the hardest thing to do. This verse comes to mind. "Therefore, in everything, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the law and prophets."

Anger is rising...calmness is decreasing...

Today I was feeling good, because I went to sleep early yesterday. I had a good day, not only because of the sleep, but that I was able to not care about what anyone thought and just did my job. I think that I was lucky today that things went so well. But I'm wondering what will be happening in the future? I guess I shouldn't worry about that. Take each day one day at a time. To worry about things needlessly is just too stressful.

With that, I think that's one reason why I didn't do so well in school. I laid back until the day almost came and I worked hard on the project and didn't get it done on time. I guess one needs a balance in things, but I think that worrying about things you can't help and worrying about things you can...there's a big difference in those things. So I guess what I'm saying is, you can't take a statement to mean the same things universally. Which has been a problem for me for a long time. hehe. (I guess I shouldn't be laughing...heh)

Anyway, enough babbling. I don't mean all of what I say as serious comments. Sometimes I make fun of myself and I don't always say how things are especially when they come to me. Why you may ask? I don't believe that people should try to get to know someone off of the internet. There's a big difference in being in someone's presence or hearing someone's voice rather than reading someone's words. Especially if they're not written in someone's own handwriting. A lot of things are becoming impersonal. But that's the way things are changing. I guess it's not always a bad thing, because sometimes people don't want to get too personal. But I think that it just makes personal things, like Christmas cards and Birthday cards and letters even more meaningful to me. But that's just me. Anyway, I know that not everyone has the time to do those things. And I admit that I did not write any Christmas cards this year. Shame on me...Oh well, there's always next year.

Another week gone by and another one starts out really wack...

Last week was really good. I went to see "End of the Spear". I'd say that it probably won't be out for very long, because I went on opening night and the theatre wasn't sold out. It was a good crowd, but not very crowded.

However, the story was really good. I liked it from the beginning to the end. Everything fit together. The jist of the story is that 5 missionaries go to Ecudor to share the gospel with the Akah Indians, who are a violent group of people who have been warring with each other and have been hostile with other people outside. I won't ruin the story for those of you who might be considering it, but definitely it was a really good movie. It migth also be a good witnessing tool too. I'd also say that it's a good movie for people who want to go on missions to see too.

End of the Spear has two meanings in the movie. Maybe more, but I took only two from that.

Bible Study missed again...

I slept again through Bible study. My dog was having a lot of problems yesterday, so I stayed up till 11:30am and didn't get much sleep. I called my friend to see if we were having Bible study and he said that he thought we were. Then I thought about taking a nap after dinner for 30 minutes which turned out to be until work started again. Bleh...

Work is going....

I was asked if I want to change my job at the company. I really don't know, but I feel like they're paying close attention to my work. Not because I'm doing the greatest job, but I'm thinking that they think that I'm not doing such a good job. In effect, I affect myself and I do a little worse until I snap out of it and get back in sync. I scan boxes on a conveyor belt, which is not the hardest thing to do, in fact it's probably the easiest thing to do there. I feel like people think that I do nothing at work, which is not true, but I do less than the physical labor guys. The job that I'd be changing to is more of a physical labor and using my more of my brain type job. It's only an extra dollar more and I wonder if I should move. I don't know. I guess I should pray about this...

NET back up...

Apparently my internet was down for awhile. It was going really slow this past weekend until my dad called the internet guys. They came and searched around the neighborhood. Apparently we weren't the only ones who were experience slow internet. The maintenence guy came back and said that there was a bad amplifer in the neighborhood and he changed it. Now the internet works really well. Yes!!!

So now what...

just got to take a machete and hack my way through the forest. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what the future will bring. But I'm thinking...I should have a plan at least of how I'm going to move forward instead of walking aimlessly. Maybe I should have some direction and recalculate where I'm going. A compass would be nice.

I'm always thinking...should I get another job in addition to this job? Or should I find a new job completely? I'm thinking that I don't mind where I'm at now, it's just that it's tough on the body to work these hours. I don't know what to say sometimes. I'm always thinking that I should be working on my Japanese, yet I feel like I'm just busy and getting nowhere. I've said it over and over again...and maybe it's just that I can't focus well enough to stay put in one place to keep on studying. It's different once you get out of school, but it's still the same because hardly anybody wants to do homework. Starting something and finishing it has been a problem for me these past few years. I've started a lot of things, yet I haven't finished most of them. I guess I should work on that...hmm...that's good to know.

Well, now that I'm in a class, maybe I'll get back into the habit of studying everyday. I guess I shouldn't say maybe. I should say, yes, I'm going to do it. And just do it. Okay, enough babbling for one day...Got to get going.

Something interesting today on my way to work was that there were about 7 cop cars on the side of the road with lights flashing. Plus there was another car with an open door and it was empty. Someone speculated that the person was probably racing and they tried to outrun the cops. Then when he couldn't drive any further, he jumped out. Hmm...I'm not sure about that, but I know that it's probably not a very good area to be driving in at night time.

I went to work as usual. I was tired even though I slept 8 hours. I felt like I wasn't working so well. But I got through the day. So I'm just thankful that God got me through today.

One of my coworkers talked to me about the job search. I applied to one job online this year and he got an offer from another job. I'm not sure about his other job, but I think that if he needs the money that he should go for it. But I think that he could do better than another warehouse job. I'm wondering exactly where I'll be heading to in my next destination...if there is another destination.

Class

Anyway, with this new class that I'm taking, my time is going to be constrained to studying for most of my free time. I really want to learn all this stuff, but I'm thinking..."why did I take this class? Am I going to use it? Am I actually going to go out there and go on a mission? Am I going to be transformed in my walk?" I've taken classes before that were religion classes, but weren't taught in a Christian perspective. So I guess one good thing about this class is that they teach it kind of like a bible study and lecture. You pull things out on your own time, and you read material and listen to a speaker speak about his/her experiences. I must say that the first class was awesome! But I'm a little skeptical on whether or not I'm going to be obedient to God.
Drifting
One thing that I see in my own life is that I haven't really kept up on my relationships. I've kind of let them dwindle. I also see that it's pretty tough for me to make a new friendship with someone else. The people that I've been recently meeting don't really react too well to me, or so I think. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't worry about little things like this. Just be who you are. I guess it's impossible to get along with everyone.

Be. Just be who you are. I guess I've never really been too good with people. I mean, it kind of seems like I'm just there. I guess I've been observing for most of my life. I haven't been participating, because I'd say something stupid or break the flow of conversation with my randomness. But one thing that I should try to do is to just say something, even if it's stupid. That way, I'll be able to say something instead of just nodding my head. We'll see though...

Sunday...I'm always glad that I went

I woke up at 8:56am. Much of my dozing was spent listening to Saint Paul Sunday. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's a 1 hour program on the classical musical station where different artists come in and perform. The talk show host talks to them about their lives, how they got into music, what they like about the selection that they chose etc. It's fascinating to me, because they seem like they're so composed when they speak about their music that they play. It kind of makes me want to get back into playing piano...(not really...)

Anyway, I woke up when it was done and got ready. Went to the bank and left for church. Needless to say I was late by 30 minutes and missed worship. When I woke up this morning, I was supposed to be leaving at that time.

There was a speaker today from another country. He lives here now, but he spoke about his mission work in Japan. The scripture that he quoted was from Mark 6:45-51. His main point about that was about fear.

In Japan, people are conscious about a lot of things. One could be that they are worried if they have nori (seaweed) on their teeth from eating sushi. While some other people in other countries could care less about such things. People in Japan fear "what if" so much that those who are Christian don't tell others about Christ sometimes. I could say that about here too. Anyway, his main point was, "What are we afraid of?"

He talked about a God who is benevolent and caring and who even died for us. If we believe in such a God, then what are we afraid of? What do we have to be afraid of?

The text in the passage of scripture talked about the disciples who were in a boat straining at the oars while Jesus was planning to pass them by. When they saw Jesus, they were afraid, but Jesus said, "Take courage, it is I".

Anyway, I guess I should go into too much depth about this, but yeah, what am I afraid of? The speaker also mentioned that sometimes we in America think that this is saying that God will take away all our pain or save us from everything. What the speaker said was that God does not save us from everything. But He is there. He is there with us when we are suffering. He is there with us when we experience death.

He talked about missionaries, from Portugal, who went to Japan. A land with people who look very unlike them. The missionaries knew that they would be persecuted, caught, tortured, and given to a slow death. But, they went anyway and did experience being persecuted, caught, tortured, and they did die a slow death. What kind of faith does it take to do that?

I'm thinking all throughout the message...what am I doing here that I am living on this earth, doing nothing for God's glory. What will I say when I go to Him in the final day?

Something that someone said today to me was that, "Jon you've become worldly." He meant that in a joking way, but I look at myself this past year and for the past two years...I've been very worldly. I've been trying to find a job and found a job. I've been trying to relax outside of work by doing other things, but I've found that I have not been living for God all that much. How does one live for God?

I must admit that I disobeyed God when I was supposed to go on a mission to Brazil. I didn't go, because I was afraid that nobody would support me. I was afraid of rejection. Little things like this, I was afraid of.

There are a lot of uncertain things in my life, but why am I afraid of anything? I'm not saying that you should just go out there and be afraid of nothing, because that would be stupid if you were not to use your better judgment. But what I'm saying is, why I am afraid when God is with me? Why am I afraid of suffering for Him? I think that my faith is not very strong right now and I need to spend more time with Him. I think that unless I spend time on my faith everyday, then I won't be of any use in God's kingdom. Maybe I'm being too extreme, or maybe I'm being too black and white, but I really think that I need to get things together, or else I'm going to be living at home for the rest of my life until my parents are not here anymore.

I'm not talking about jobs, but I'm talking about my immaturity right now. I guess I have to decide what it is I want.

Ugh...

I missed my Bible study last night. My dad tried several times to wake me up, and I just couldn't get up. The next thing I knew, it was 2am and my dad was waking me up for work. At least I didn't miss work...But man, I can't sleep in the day anymore. I guess I should go to sleep in the morning on Monday and Tuesday, so I can get some sleep on Wednesday and make it to bible study. Who knows...my schedule is wacked out.

I can say that that really sucked, because it was the last part of the series that we were going over. As I posted earlier, we're going over Cat and Dog Theology and I must say that it has been challenging. Living for God and not for oneself goes against everything that I've been taught in my whole childhood. I didn't know God back then. But I'm finding that if I really want to experience what life is about, then I need to put God first.

We all think that we have a reason for being here. Well, maybe not all of us, but probably most people think that they have a reason for being here. Most people probably never find it though. Anyway, I'm finding that I know one part of why I'm here. I just don't know the rest. I guess I need to focus on what I know right now and do it and not keep on living for myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying go out there and be totally selfless, because that might not be so good either. But yeah, I'm saying that I can't keep on focusing on myself.

Well...I've still got some time to think about what I'm going to do next.

Dreams...

I had a dream last night as I was in a deep sleep for 9+ hours. The things that I dreamed about were not so uncommon as to what actually happens in my life. It has been this lack of knowing what this other person is thinking or how to interpret their actions towards me. I think that the dream was helpful, because when I look back on it, I need to not take things so seriously and to just go with the flow. Plus, one thing that I keep on saying to myself is that sometimes I can't hold on to the way things used to be and just accept the way things are now. I can't keep living in the past, but for me, since I have a lot of memories stored up in myself, I tend to relive a lot of them and even laugh at some of them while getting some stares or weird looks from people nearby. Generally, people who know me just ignore me when I do that, because I tend to do that often. Anyway, I guess what I've been telling myself is that what's in the past is a part me, but things change and I need to change too. Maybe I need to let go of the things that I've been holding onto. I've been praying for that every once in awhile.

Well, there's some good things about what I'm going through. One thing is that I'm learning to be less sensitive to people's reactions and I feel that I have grown a little bit in this area. I do remember asking God to grow me and I do believe that He did. With this job that I've gotten in the past year, I have grown in how I see myself and that people do not always focus on me. I feel more secure in who I am and I don't really care too much about what people say most of the time. Hmm....

Anyway, maybe this dream was an indicator of how I've grown and how I need to not take things so seriously from this other person. I guess one thing that has been on my mind is that I can't control other people and if they choose not to respond to me, then that's fine too. I will be cool with that and I'll let it be. Let it be...and move on. Maybe someday we'll meet again.

What am I getting myself into?

I signed up for a class yesterday. The class is every Saturday for the next 16 weeks. I heard good things about this class, but I'm wondering if I'll be able to keep up in this class. With my record in college, I'm thinking that I need to get ahead or else I'm going to get behind. I guess since I don't have any obligations except work that I'll be able to keep up. But, they have a proejct that is due on the last day, so we'll see if I am disciplined enough to work on that. It's supposed to be about an unreached people group.

You might be wondering what the class is. It's a Bible class. So I'm not sure what to expect out of it or if I'm going to grow. I guess it all depends on me; how I digest it and think critically about it. I'm not sure if taking this class will grow me, but I am sure that if I learn more about God and spend time with Him, then I'll grow.

One thing that I heard from someone else who took the class before was that they mention "Cat and Dog Theology" in this class. There is a CD and a book and even lecturers who go out to different places talking about this subject. Basically, what they talk about are two different theologies in the church. One is all about God, and one is all about themselves (the people). One lives for God, and the other has God living for them. They do the same things, maybe speak the same way, but their attitudes are completely different. And, it's hard to tell the two apart sometimes. But I'd say that me-ology has invaded the church and is pretty much a big part of it, which is why the church is ineffective in many parts.

Anyway, I have yet to see what the class is going to be like. I just hope that I'll be able to stay awake for the whole session.

Tonight is another Bible study and we're going to finish the last session of Cat and Dog Theology. It's a hard message to take, but I think that it's something that I need to hear and do. I must say that I really need to change some things in my life. For the past 3-4 years, I've been living mainly for myself. I was living for God at the beginning of my faith, but it was still tainted with selfishness. I've grown a little bit out of that, but still have some of those tendencies. I guess it's a work in progress as one AACF campus group says. I've got to keep working and not give up.

God is definitely good. I used to think that He was something made up. But I cannot deny that there He is out there just by the changes I've seen in people and answered prayers. I am thankful that I came to know Him 5 1/2 years ago. I guess I need to keep on working on myself so that I will be ready to share with someone else someday. I guess I just need to spend time with God everyday.

I really don't feel like sharing at this moment. I don't have anything good to say. But I will say this. God is good and worth living for.

One of my Christmas presents was Magna Carta Tears of Blood. My younger brother bought it for me. He always gets me great gifts. I must say that it is a pretty interesting game because of the storyline and characters. The gameplay is okay, it's a little more interesting that Final Fantasy in some aspects. But when Final Fantasy 12 comes out, I'm sure that that will knock this game out of the water.

The gameplay is basically this: When you attack, your leadership meter needs to be past the mark for that character. The leadership meter recharges when you don't move. When you attack, you need to press the correct button that it shows on the gauge. It shows all three buttons that you need to press on the wheel and it spins when you press the first button, so you need to press the buttons at the right time when it lines up with the top of the wheel. It can get boring if you get really good at that, but the good thing is that there are different styles that you can learn and new moves that you can perceive if you time it for three great timings instead of good timing. It's kind of like Dance Dance Revolution where if you time it right on, then it'll say how your timing is. But, I must mention that there are only two buttons that you need to press. X and Circle. So it can get old fast.

Another aspect about the battle system is the enemies. The AI isn't too smart and just attacks the closest person. Since you control only one person at a time, you can put a strong person out front and just attack from a distance with one of the other characters. What would have made this game better is if the computer locked onto a character instead of attacking the nearest one. Attacking weaker characters or attacking healers is what a human player would do. It's too bad that the people who made this game didn't put too much effort into it. I guess since I'm not a programmer, I shouldn't complain, but I think that it's possible from some other reports of other games doing that. However, it would be kind of annoying if that's the only thing they did.

Anyway, one of the most annoying aspects of the game is that after you kill some creature, the characters always say the same lines. "It was over before it started" is one of them and if you don't like repetition all that much, you might not want to finish the game. For me, I don't mind repetition that much and it doesn't bother me, because I just don't care. The story makes up for it in my opinion.

Each character has their own unique personality. Sometimes, when you reach a save point, you can talk to the characters in your party and respond to something they say. Depending on the two choices of responses that you can give, it can either increase or decrease the trust that they have in you. Trust is basically like this. If your party member has a high trust in you, then they'll need less leadership on their meter to attack. It's more advantageous to have characters with high trust in you fighting instead of those with low trust. If they have high trust in you, then you can execute more attacks before the enemy does. What is also another interesting aspect of the game is that all the characters hear your response so they can either increase or decrease in trust depending your response. So sometimes when you decrease in trust with one character, you increase in trust with another character.

The women characters I must say, have such huge breasts that it's ridiculous. I mean, no woman, except maybe Pamela Anderson, has breasts that big. I don't mean to turn people off to this game, but it's such a noticable aspect of the game that it can't be ignored.

The guy characters are pretty much normal, except the main character, who looks like a girl. My brother was wondering why that woman had a man's voice. heh.

Anyway, with these little things aside, it definitely is a great game. I was waiting for it to come down in price, but my brother got it for instead, so I'm pretty lucky. I think that on Amazon, they mentioned that it is discontinued, so if you can find it anywhere, pick it up. But, they probably discontinued it because people were getting so annoyed at the game. If you can put up with all the repetitions and the flaws, then I would recommend this game to you. The storyline is great and so is the music in the game. I think that this game will either be one of the rare games that people will want to try, or one of the games that people will sell as soon as they can. It really depends on who the person is.

One thing that I want to say is that you should check other websites to see if they have this game. Amazon sellers sell it for abour $70. I'm sure that they sell it brand new somewhere else for the regular price of $55. The game comes with a poster and an artbook. The game characters are designed by some reknown Korean artist. The game is done by a Korean company.

For me, I'm going to keep this game, because I am a fan of great stories. I'm impressed by this game, so I'll probably buy more Atlus games in the future. My first Atlus game, I was sorely disappointed. But I think that I'll try some more.

Before, I used to think that things would start anew at the end of a year. As I grew older I found that things didn't change all too rapidly at the beginning. I think that for me, I used to not care about resolutions, because why would I make a resolution only once a year? Why not try to change when I need to change at that time?

I guess I still don't care about resolutions. heh. I find that I need to work on myself more than once in year. Still, I feel like I haven't changed that much from the kid in high school that I felt I was.

With 2005 gone now, it's kind of weird being in 2006. I told someone that I wasn't excited for 2006, and he told others that I was excited. Don't know why he said that, but I think he was just trying to make conversation. I guess I'm not sure what to expect. Maybe I'm feeling a little depressed, but there is some hope that things will get better. And I'm determined not to let it be another delusion again. Meaning that I'm going to work on some things to become a better person. Well, we'll see if I'm serious at the end of the year th0ugh.

Be less self conscious and focus on what's going on...

Today was a good day. Not only because it's a new year, but I got to hang out and relax with some friends for lunch. Usually, I'm thinking about the next day of work when I'm out to lunch, or I'm really tired because I'm not too happy about what's coming up on Mondays. But today, I enjoyed my time with my friends after church.

We didn't do too much, we just ate as usual, but I felt like I enjoyed my time more today than I usually do. The reason why is that I feel that I'm letting go of some things that I've been holding onto. I have to thank God for that, because I've been praying for that...to let go...of a lot of things.

Part of it has to do with how I see myself and how things are. I know that I should be less self conscious and more active. Granted I was not very active today, but I felt more comfortable with myself and how I saw myself. Part of it had to do with reading the scripture today at church.

For some reason, I tend to think that people don't like me as a general rule. I know that that's untrue, but, it's still inside of me. Today, as I was reading the scripture, I was stumbling over my words in Japanese and reading words that I didn't know. Every time I looked up, I noticed this lady giving me a nasty look. I got nervous and read slower. For some reason, I couldn't help but think that she doesn't like me for whatever reason, I don't know. But, one thing that I thought of was what someone said over an email, that "Japanese people don't necessarily express what they're thinking through their facial expressions." The lady was older and probably from Japan. So, it could have been about something else, not necessarily about me. But I know that God loves her too and regardless if she likes me or not, God loves her and nothing will change that. So, therefore, I should feel the same way God does about her.

I think that that helped me to feel a little more love for the Japanese congregation, because I realized that probably most of the Japanese congregation doesn't know me and they don't necessarily have anything against me personally. It could be that the misunderstandings that I had were not really that big of a deal and that nobody meant anything by them. So that's one thing that I can thank God about for today.

When I think about it, today was really awesome. Two people shared today. One, a really good friend and the other, a good friend that played a major role in helping me to come to know Christ.

The former shared some encouraging things about what God has been doing in her life. About a mission trip and reconciliation with her brother. It's kind of funny how things worked out in the mission trip that helped her to be reconciled to her brother. I think that they're off to a good start and I'm glad to see that they're not stopping there, but moving forward to grow their relationship with each other. God used problems in the mission trip and reconciliation there too to help my friend out when she came back. That was encouraging.

The latter friend shared a poem that expressed the struggles that she was going through for the past 5 years and how God has reconciled her to that. Hearing that poem was pretty powerful as she was struggling with her life and trying to live LIFE in capital letters. One of the things she mentioned was that God did not free her to live life as she was living it at that time. Through the poem, she mentioned how God had restructured her self image and freed her from guilt and shame. To not trust in what she could do or herself as a person, or even how she looked, but to trust in God and His love for her. He heals the broken, He gives hope to those who have none. Through desolation, he can make something beautiful out of it. Leading through the shadows to get toward the light. Anyway, I thought that it was pretty cool. But I wasn't able to express that to her. heh. Yeah, I think my social skills have taken a dive since I left school. hehe. I'm much better at typing words than I am at speaking them and holding a conversation. I think a lot slower than I used to. But yeah, back to today...

I spent lunch with them after church.

Looking around at my church, I look around and I see people broken...but, some being used to do great things and some growing in their walks to be prepared to go out. People may not seem like they're broken, and maybe they're not, but a lot of people are...or so I think (I could be wrong.) But God can use anybody to do great things and He often uses those who are broken, because they need Him and trust Him in what they do. (Maybe my theology is off, but this verse comes to mind. God gives grace to the humble, but opposes the proud...maybe I'm wrong, but he seems to use people in mighty ways that know that they are nothing and that God is everything.) Don't take me too literally on that. Anyway, it's really not us who do the great works, but God who does things through us. We are nothing but unprofitable servants only doing what we ought to do. That is if we do what we ought to do.

I will not write about what I think that God might be wanting from me, because I don't think that a blog is the right place to talk about it. But, I know that things could be a lot different in my own life right now...I know they could. I have experienced what LIFE is like before. I know that things will never be the same, because things change. But, I know that I'm going to have to adjust some things now. Time...another dimension. Thank you "Back to the Future Part III"