New Year's eve

Well, another year has passed by and I'm feeling like I've accomplished nothing. I know that that's not true, but I feel like I haven't done anything signficant; that I haven't made any impact in this world.

I guess I should stop telling myself these things and focus on the relationships that I have now and how I treat everyone, including those who I may not get along with. I feel that I do take people for granted sometimes. I think that I've been treated well that I do sometimes take things for granted. I don't realize how good people are sometimes...the people that are good to me.

I've also been on the downside for a major portion of my life. I remember not wanting to go to school, not because of homework or other school related activites, but because I dreaded how I was going to be treated each and every day. It still is a major portion of how I feel about myself from time to time, and I think that it affects me today still. But it's something that I do battle with every time I go out of my house to where other people are.

My dad gave me this tape series by Jim Rohn. It's kind of weird, but I know that some things that he says are true and some things can be interpreted in the wrong way. But because of my faith in Jesus, I know that I don't have control over all aspects of my life, but do have some control over parts of myself. For example, my way of thinking, my actions, my attitude, my self image. One thing that I took from the first two tapes is that I need to tell myself things that are positive about myself, because sometimes, when you need to hear it, nobody will tell you it. You've got to tell yourself what you know to be true. And to do it in a way that will not beat yourself down.

Right now, my season of life is probably summer. I am not in any bad situation right now, but fall is coming and winter will be here. I need to use what I have now to prepare for those times.
When I look back on this year, I see that I have spent some time with God. Maybe 3 out of 7 days I spend time with Him for about 45 minutes. But really, I need to improve a lot more in terms of consistency. I find it hard to spend time with Him when I get so busy in life. Especially this past month, I've come to realize why people don't like the holidays sometimes. It's so busy that you get drained throughout this period. It's a fun time, but I think that I really should have spent more time with God in prayer and in His word. I guess what is needed is a balance, which I've had for a short period of time, but never a long period. For me, it takes not effort. I give a lot of effort, but focus. Oh well, I'm usually going here and there, so I don't know if I'll ever get that down again. heh

I know that I need to get up and walk again. As soon as I can, to start running again. If I don't, then I'll lose more precious time. What if Jesus comes back tomorrow? I think will I be like that servant who says, "My master is taking a long time in coming." Oh well, just got to stop talking about it and start doing something.

Church

Tomorrow, they want me to read a passage of scripture for the church service. Only they want it read once in English and again in Japanese. The English part, I'm okay with. But the Japanese part, I'm having trouble. It's kind of odd reading scripture in Japanese. I don't understand most of what they're saying and I don't know how to pronounce the words correctly, so it could sound like something else. But I think that as long as I read it, that things will be alright. It's kind of interesting to read scripture in Japanese, but to read it out loud, it's painful to me. I don't read very fast or well in Japanese, but I'm sure that they'll understand.

If I really wanted to, I could learn Japanese and speak it fluently, but I guess I really don't want to, because I am not spending time learning it.

One thing that could help me is reading books or comics, because they have a lot of vocabulary and ways that people speak. If I spent more time in those, or even playing the Japanese video games and looking stuff up, I would be a lot more fluent.

I could imagine time passing by again and the Japanese language proficiency test coming up in a couple of days. I don't want to be caught unprepared again, but if I don't do something everyday, then I know that I'm not going to be ready. Oh well...I've said this many times. Am I going to continue to be a loser all my life? Or am I going to do something to act like a winner...and achieve the results that I need.

Christmas time is here...Happiness and Cheer...

Whenever I think of Christmas, I'm reminded of the Charlie Brown Christmas Album with that song. It's kind of nostalgic, but to me, it feels sad. Maybe it's the chords and the feel of the tempo, but I think that it tends to cause me to think over things a little bit from time to time.

Maybe it has nothing to do with Christmas, but just how I feel like from time to time, I'm not feeling so good.

I think that one of my friends, GC, hit the nail on the head when he talked about the holiday lonliness. I notice it at my church sometimes. I notice that some of the older people seem like they're sad or lonely. It's not only during the holidays, but I think that the holidays tend to remind them of people that have passed away or how things once were.

I can relate. I could be alone in the near future, but I guess that's why I need to always be making new friends.

Something going through my head today was, "he who has been loved little loves little." And I thought that the reverse is probably true too. "he who loves little is loved little." I guess the latter is not always true, but it does strike a chord with me. I'm not talking about anything other than friendship right now, for those who might be wondering.

Christmas Eve...

I sung in the choir. I must say that I like singing, even though my voice is fairly weak and sometimes I can't tell what I'm singing because I can't hear myself with everyone else singing along. But it was fun.

There was a message. The message was about the shepards and the town of Bethlehem. The speaker said that it could be that the shepards were the only ones up at the time of Jesus' birth that they were able to witness this great event. The main point of the message was, "are we awake?" I'm still digesting it, but I think that it has been a recurring theme all this past year in sermons and in my own personal life.

Am I awake to what God is doing? Or am I sleeping and just missing out? Indeed I am sleeping right now. I'm in a slumber as to what God's doing and how He's moving.

In this video game called "Phantom Brave," there is one character that you can recruit who is a soldier. While the other phantoms are working hard to help you out in your mana or earning you money or experience, the soldier guy always is said to be "sleeping in the sun" while you were out, or "distracted by a shiny object." Basically, what I'm saying is that he's not a very useful character. I wonder how God views my work (maybe I should say laziness?) and how I might be missing opportunities because I'm just not paying attention anymore. There are great opportunities at my workplace.

Work...
I look at see that people don't hate me at work. I think that they're getting to know me a little bit more. And I feel like they're pretty good people for the most part. I guess they could say the same thing about me. But I feel like maybe I should be praying more for my co-workers and trying to care for them and their lives. Man, that's something that I don't want to do, because it takes a lot of time. I guess I have to ask myself, is it worth it? Is it worth being rejected? Is it worth the pain? Is it worth building friendships? And if so, how am I going to make it happen? I don't know anymore. I just know that I can't do this without God and the more time I spend without Him, is more time that I'm doing things on my own.

Rest...yes...rest

For some reason, this one song keeps going through my head. It's a choir song that we're singing for Christmas eve service called Immanuel. The line that keeps going through my head is, "If God is with us, who can stand against us. Our God is with us, Immanuel."

With Christmas coming I'm not sure how to feel about it. For some reason, I've felt like I've grown up and that Christmas has become like another day. I guess I'll see how I feel when Christmas eve comes along.

Work...

They put me in a different area yesterday. I don't know why, but I think that it has to do with me not doing such a good job sometimes. I picked it up today by changing how I think a little bit and by changing my attitude. Sometimes we can prevent ourselves from doing well. I think that I'm going to try to not be so cynical and see where I go. Building myself up instead of breaking myself down.

I tried to not care so much what other people think about me and to just do what I would do because I want to do it or it's good hard work. I'm not sure where I'm going to go in this world, but I'm here right now and I don't know where I'll be going next, so I should do the best job that I can. We'll see though where I end up.

One thing that I learned yesterday is that change begins inside. We're free to do what we want and think, but our attitude that we have or use can make a big difference in how we see life. I've been so concerned with what other people think about me that I have not been who I am...who I want to be. I've let myself fall one level down and I know that I'm better than that.

One thing that I learned is that since we're given the freedom of choice, we have the freedom to choose what we become. I know from experience that what you think determines a lot about where you go. I also know that sometimes we can't help the thoughts that come to our mind, because they just come sometimes, but we can counter them. If you're having trouble, I suggest seeing professional help. But yeah, counter that thought with reality and encourage yourself to do better.

I believe that we're all capable of becoming something great. It just depends on us. If you really want to become great, then you'll have to take steps, one step at a time.

Anyway, I'm no person of great knowledge about how to become a better person, but really, it takes a long time and efforts to build yourself up and others.

I had a rough day today. I admit, it was tough. I won't tell you the details, but it goes back to way back when, and comes to now when I am still a little anti-social. You may ask how I'm anti-social...it goes like this. Sometimes I don't feel comfortable talking, so I say nothing and people interpret that in their own ways. I guess I interpret other people's actions too...

Anyway, when I think about it, it was not so bad. I think that one thing that God reminded me of is that we're all human. When I look at other people, I see people who are not so different from myself. Even though we may not be on good terms, they have the same nature as me and I the same as them. One thing that came to mind during that time was that God loves them too. And He loves me too. I guess that's why I need to try harder to make friends. And even if they don't want to be friends, then that's fine too.

I find that life is going to tough for anyone. Some will have harder cards that they're dealt, while some will get other cards which will be easier. But still, nobody considers their life easy...or so I think.

I guess I'll always struggle with my past. It is a part of who I am. But I'm learning to deal with it. I don't know what lies ahead, but I think that I will do okay, regardless of what happens. It may not be a good ending, but nobody knows what the future will bring. I just anticipate the worst sometimes. hehe.

Hmm...well...I guess what happened today is not such a big deal. But, I think that this is just a reminder that I'll always struggle with the same things. Just like an alcoholic struggles with whether or not he's going to drink for today, I struggle with stepping out of my shell and trying to make things better.

It's kind of funny though...sometimes, when we know how to make things better, we don't want to do it, because it's not something that we're good at, or for whatever reason...probably because it's not easy. But, it's necessary to step out and at least try to make things right. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But even though things may not work now, I can't give up. I think that when I do give up, then things will go downhill again, like they did today. Do what's right. Accept that you can't change everything. And also know that if you keep on doing this, then things will get better slowly over time. I'm not talking about your circumstances, but I'm talking about your character. I guess doing things doesn't change you, but the attitude behind it does.

Funny how what you believe changes how you look at things.

I kind of wonder...why is it that I believe all these negative things about myself? Why is it that I believe the negative things that people say about me from people that don't know me that well. And why is it that I have a hard time accepting good things about myself?

I am reminded each time that while we were still yet sinners, Christ died for the ungodly. Paul describes how no one will die for a righteous man, yet for a good man someone might dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us by dying for us while we were yet sinners and still are to this day.

If God can love me, a sinner, and everyone else who are sinners too, then why should I think any less of myself? I think that I dreamed that God loves all His children the same. I'm not sure if that's biblically correct, but I think that regardless of anything we've done or that people have said about anyone that God loves all people.

I think about where I fit in the grand scheme and I feel like I'm a piece of a puzzle that's off to the side; not in the right place. I'm not sure if I belong in Japan, but who knows. Not me. I guess I'm not sure if I really want to go to Japan. I've forgotten a lot about what Japan is like, but I have good memories of it. I just have bad memories of my experiences here with Japanese people. It's not really their fault either...I guess I shouldn't blame myself either.

Anyway, I don't know exactly why I had those bad experiences, only that my attitude changed after learning some things about Japan. It's not perfect as I thought is was, but I still like Japan. I don't know my attitude has a lot to do with how I see things and I think that I've become really negative for a certain period of time. But I think that things are getting better though...

I was thinking about Bible study all during work today. For some reason, that song kept going through my head. If you get the MP3/CD of "Cat and Dog Theology", then you'll know what I'm talking about. I'll call it the cat song.

Anyway, I'm seeing that I need to digest this and put it to use. Otherwise, I'll just go back to being a lazy Christian again.

One thing that kept sticking out at me was that we're here to glorify God and God's purpose for us is to glorify Him. One quote that I took was, "How can I glorify God in my job? Or when my boss talks to me in a rude manner?" Granted my bosses are great, but I should be seeking direction as to where God wants me to be and not where I think is the best place. I'm thinking that I should get a new job, but I should seek where God wants me to be. If it's here, then I will stay here until I hear otherwise.

Anyway, the author of Cat and Dog theology mentioned some things that are not good to us. In fact they're pretty bad things that could happen to us. But, he said that we should use all things, including those things for God's glory. If someone were to do that, then I'd be amazed at how strong their faith is, but I'm not sure if I could do that myself.

Anyway, I guess I need to seek direction and see how I can glorify God in my own life. "Worship is life. It is not a part of life." (Summarized by me taken from Cat and Dog theology.)

Holiday Beatdown...

Work is getting crazy. We're busy and getting busier with each passing day. I'm finding that still, there is a sense of humor that goes on at work. One guy was yelling at the top of his lungs like a sports commentator about the opposing football team beating our football team. HE...COULD....GO ...ALL...THE...WAYYYY...TOUCHDOWN!!! He got some laughs out of that. Yay! Their team wins! Our team loses! (I omitted the names...but it was funny because of the irony that might happen...)

With the holidays coming, we're definitely going to just get more and more busy. It's not a bad thing, but it's tough on the workers. Not so much for me, because I just scan all day and don't use my muscles that much, except to lift the scanner and hold it steady so it can read the barcode. I don't know if I'm going to be doing physical labor anytime soon, but who knows, they might change things around.

Japanese Language proficiency test...

I took the test yesterday and I must say that I got beatdown by that test also. They start out easy, then they get a little harder, then way harder at the end. I wasn't expecting to pass the test, because of how little time I put in for studying for it. I told myself last year that I would study everyday after the test, because I was determined to pass it this year. But that didn't happen...Why??? Procrastination. It will rule the world...someday... But seriously, I kept studying for awhile and thought, this isn't going to come for awhile, so why am I studying right now? Obviously, I forgot why I was studying.

This test is not so much a test of my ability as it is a tool for me to grow in Japanese. The test used Japanese dialogue in a lot of its questions. AKA, it used how people speak instead of just formal writing. It's useful...but, I'm finding that I have no idea how Japanese people speak sometimes. I might have to go to Japan someday. Now is not the time. But who knows what will happen in the future. I'm thinking a mission would be better than going over for a year to teach English. But who knows...I might go to Brazil if that's where I should be for the time.

I have no plans right now though.

At the test, one of my old classmates there. He's a pretty cool guy and I'm surprised that he remembered me. He didn't study for the test, because he was just trying to measure his proficiency right then. He told me that it's so easy to just watch TV when he got home from work and eat and then go to sleep. I know what he means.

One thing that he was venting was that he was asking himself, "Do I really want this? Do I really want to do this?" Obviously he does, but when it comes down to how he spent his time, he was wondering if he really wanted it. If you do want something, then you'll do everything in your power to achieve it. (Granted, I'm not talking about wanting people here. So get your minds out of there. You can't force another person to like you and sometimes it won't work. But there are lots of people out there...anyway...it's complicated...relationships...and I don't have much experience being the loner RPG gamer that I am. heh) Back to what I was talking about. If you really want something in your life, then you'll have to work for it. And I can relate to my friend in how I ask myself the same thing...do I really want it? Do I really want to be able to speak Japanese fluently? If so, then what can I do to make it happen?

I am a Japanese major and I can't speak Japanese. What does that say? It says that I just haven't been keeping up. My teachers and the material that we went over are really good, but nature has something that says, "Use it or lose it." Meaning, if you use what you know or use what you have in your own being, then you'll maintain it. Otherwise it will go away and you might have to practice some more to get to that level again. I guess I need to start running the race again...

One thing that I've been noticing about myself is that I've been degrading in a lot of ways. I can say that it's true if you don't use it, you'll lose it. I find that especially now that the Japanese language proficiency test is tomorrow, I don't think that I'm going to pass. There's just so much that I don't know that I don't deserve to pass. Even if I did pass, I don't think that I'd be confident enough to go out there and say that I'm this fluent in Japanese.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I have a lot that I need to work on. I also have to not be afraid of making mistakes and going out there and at least try to improve.

Anyway, I haven't given up yet. Must swallow my pride and try to learn by doing what I'm not good at. AKA looking like a fool. Yeah, I'm behind in some things, but if I don't go out there and try to use it, even if I do look like a fool, then I'm never going to learn. Swallow my pride and go all out. Easier said than done, but one of my former roommates said this to me. "Don't think." What I think he meant was, don't think about yourself or what you look like, just do it. Yeah...

I'm not sure if I'm going to pass, but who knows...I probably won't pass, but if you don't think that you can, you won't be able to. It'd be really weird if I do pass though...Back to studying...

Do I have a chance to pass? We'll see. I think that I won't pass this test, because I've been falling asleep while I've been studying. I've made some adjustments recently, but still, it might have been too late. Oh well...I'll study hard now. I don't deserve to pass, but I think that it will be good to take regardless.

What am I talking about? The Japanese language proficiency test. We'll see though...

I was thinking about what we heard in Bible study last night. We're going over this CD called "Cat and Dog Theology." Basically, it compares Christians with two different types of attitudes. Cat theology which is basically, "it's all about me and God is second." Or Dog theology, "It's God first and I'm second." Actually, the way it was put, Dog theology sounds more like we're not even 2nd, but I'd say that that's true that we're not that important. Don't get me wrong, we're all important to some degree, however when you think about it, in the grand scheme of things, if one of us were to die then life would still go on just fine. It may not be as good as before, but it is necessary to have change in the new generations. Sometimes, change is better than what it was like before. It just depends on the perspective of the person who's comparing.

Anyway, back to the thought of the day.

Cat and Dog theology...I'd say that I agree with the author that we're here for God's glory and God is not here for us, even though He is here for us. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that we're here to serve God and God is not here to serve us, even though He does because He is good. But yeah, when thinking about the sermon last night on my way home, I was thinking that I'm more like a cat theologian. I haven't really been thinking about God and His glory in my life. I was thinking more about where I'm headed in this life and what I'm going to do on earth. Thinking about the sermon, I found that these are really not God centered, because they're centered on me. Probably people who have been reading my blog have noticed this trend for awhile.

I'd say that what the author said in the introduction describes how I viewed Christianity. I heard it all before, but this finally made sense. I was thinking that being with God is just not going to Hell. But really, being with God means that you'll be serving Him and serving others. That will be part of what heaven is like. Kind of reminds me of doing a job, only that it will be something that will be joyful and not tedious.

Anyway, doing things for God's glory is what I should be doing. It should not be out of obligation, but out of love.

I'm finding that I know these things, yet I have to start practicing them. I'm thinking that after last night in some of my interactions, that I have to really work on my people skills. Well, enough talking about this.

Work...

Today, my supervisor actually made efforts to try to get to know me. He's a good guy and I think that I am not the easiest person to talk to sometimes...especially when I'm not feeling good. But I should really try to talk to my coworkers more often. I think that things would be a lot better at work if I made some efforts to talk to them. That's one thing that I'm going to work on this month.

I kind of wonder...what the heck am I doing on earth? I guess it's time to take control of what I do instead of letting things happen. Being active and not passive. Man, easier said than done...oh well, must remember what I'm here for...

Money cards...

Something interesting that I read today was about 7-11. In Japan, the people don't use banks and checks that often. If the bank fails, the Japanese government will not reimburse the customers like they do in the US. They don't have the same insurance. So, people use convenience stores to pay credit card bills and the like. (They pay the bills at the counter in the store with cash...or so I've been told.)

7-11 is planning to come out with a money card. It should have an IC chip in it (IC = Integrated circuit). So, you could deposit money on the card at a 7-11 store or a 7-11 atm. I'm not sure if they're going to allow it to be used at other places in Japan, but I think that they probably will. I'm not sure what the integrated circuit does in the card...

It should come out in 2007.

I still fail to see how it differs from a gift card or debit card though. I guess this is just a way to deposit money into a card without having to have a bank account. I think that since the people of Japan are not trusting of banks, that this will take off. However the article did say something about a 7-11 bank, I'm not sure if I translated that correctly...but yeah, I still don't know if Japan has a debit system yet...they didn't awhile ago, but they might now.

One of the reasons why 7-11 is coming out with a money card is that they want to cut back on small change. It probably takes up a lot of time to give change back. If you don't know, Japan's smallest paper bill is 1000 yen equivalent to $10 US. Which means all the yen up to 500 yen are coins. Anyway, I don't know if Japan has any coinstars or anything like that, but hopefully they do.

Hopefully Japan will have a universal card where they can use it for more than one store. Anyway, if you can read Japanese, the article is here

The newspaper is the Asahi Newspaper, so they have an English version too, but I'm not sure if they translated it yet. And yes, if you can read Japanese, I'm probably missing something else. I tend to get things close, but not right on. I guess that's a reason why I need to read this more and try to translate it.

I must say that I think that things went well today. I think that I still have some more growing to do. But I think that I made some good baby steps. Must take some more for the rest of the week.

I see that I have a lot of growing up to do. Why is it that I always seem to hurt the ones that I care about most and want to care about most? Why is it that I distance myself from others? Why is it that I'm just not where I want to be?

I know that answer...the answer is that it takes work, risk, and initiative. I think that anyone is capable of living a full life. Those three aren't the only things that matter in life. Really, you've got to have a heart too. And I do have a heart, but I feel that it could be better.

All the things that are going on in my life are really nothing compared to what others are going through and what others face in this world. It makes me wonder what I'm doing with my life. Am I really making things happen? Or am I letting them slip by?

One thing that I tell myself is that things could be worse. But then again, things could be better if I went in the right direction. Better how? I think that I'd be more mature. I guess things that are worth something don't come overnight. They take time, growth, effort, and care. Really growth doesn't come in one day, but over a long period. It may not be what we expect it to be, but it depends on us and God. I guess I should get going and not worry about tomorrow.

I am reminded daily that I need to be spending time with God. Lean on Him and trust in Him. Seek His kingdom first. In my good times, I forget God. In my bad times, I trust in Him. I'm seeing that I need to remember Him and trust in Him always in both good and bad. Things can be turned upside down in a moment and it's really unfair for God to be sought only when things are bad. What is that saying about this relationship?

Okay...I've lamented my worries. I guess it's no use worrying about them. No use for anybody. Just work on it and get it done. Yeah, always chip away at your work. It may not come easy, but nothing starts out easy. Everyone starts out with little or no skill. Other skills may be used for similar things which can give a person a boost in something else, but really, I should not be dismayed that I'm not good at this right now. I guess I'm retarded when it comes to relationships.

Like a muscle, it takes consistency in exercising over time to grow strong. That's true for a lot of things and a lot of people. I guess I shouldn't beat myself up, but really stop complaing and work on it. Okay...

Friday...madness

Well, I did what I said I wouldn't...I worked this past day. I was expecting a lot of work that day, but luckily we only did the urgent stuff. I'm glad that I did come in, because it was a pretty easy day compared to the rest of the regular days. I just wanted to experience what it would be like working on a day like this where there aren't too many people.

We got scones during break. They were from Starbucks and not too bad, but I wouldn't pay for them. My supervisor said that when he went in at 5 in the morning it was packed and there was a line to get to the counter. Starbucks opened at 4 today for the holiday rush. One guy at my workplace was eating a pumpkin scone which he said was one of the hottest items there. "You have to get there 20 minutes before they open to even get a chance of buying one of these."

I was going to check out some of the stores after work, but it was packed, so I just didn't bother to drive there. Seeing some of the video footage on the news, I'm glad that I worked instead of going shopping. Some people can be pretty crazy when it comes to things that they want. Especially when it's cheap.

Anyway, got home relatively early and didn't do too much. I slept for most of the evening until now and it'll be a busy day tomorrow.

I kind of think back to college when one of my friends was talking about the Simpsons. The scene had bart playing with a remote control car and he drove it past some presents and ran over a figurine of Jesus. My friend said that he thought that the Simpsons were anti-Christian because of that. But really, when I thought about it recently, Jesus is kind of taken out of the picture during Christmas in America and other places. The focus becomes more on the presents instead of what Christmas is all about...Christ being born into this world. So in a sense, what Bart did is not uncommon of what we do here.

I think that the earlier Simpsons episodes are great, because they are a Satire of America. I guess I could see why people don't like the Simpsons, but when you think about it, what the Simpsons do is what people do in this country. As Tony Campolo put it in the forward for the book "The Gospel According to the Simpsons" that the Simpsons are not Anti-Christian. They are very much Christian, but in the American sense. (I think that's the general idea...) Anyway, Tony Campolo didn't write the book, he just put a forward in the book.

Anyway, the later Simpsons episodes are just getting bad in my opinion. They don't seem like they have any point to them anymore.

Anyway, got to sleep.

I keep on thinking that people don't like me. I don't think that that's true, but I tend to think that from time to time, even though I know better.

I have to counter it by telling myself that that could be true, but I really don't know if it is. I tell myself that it's probably that they just don't know me and it is true that I don't know them, so I shouldn't worry about things like this.

Anyway, yesterday was a tough day, as I felt like things weren't going my way. But I got through it, and I was reminded that God loves each one of us. That's pretty amazing, because I keep on wondering how he could love someone like me; Someone who isn't great and makes a lot of mistakes and can't seem to get things right. I'm reminded of God through the tough times, because His greatness is shown when we're weakest. Really, everything we have is from Him, and without God, we are nothing. He keeps the universe together, He makes things work, and He made all the laws of the universe that we can't escape. It kind of awes me that Someone who is so great could love a people who are not very good at all. Me included.

Anyway, I probably should not write my thoughts about God online.

Thanksgiving...

Really, there's a lot to be thankful for. I'm most thankful that I have relationship with my Lord and Savior. None can compare to Him. I guess I shouldn't worry about the things of this world, because they will all fade away. The only things that will pass on will be God, people, and Jesus' words. I'm glad that someone told me about Jesus and that they helped me to understand.

Church yesterday...

I'm glad that I went. I was totally blessed to go. I had some good conversations, but one thing in the back of my mind is that I need to take more chances in getting something out of my mouth. The career fellowship leader was trying to talk to me, and I didn't know what to talk about, so I said nothing. Yeah, not a very good way to keep a conversation going, but yeah, sometimes I really don't know what to say. Maybe I should break out of the mold that I have been placed in. I'm not a kid anymore and I need to become an adult in mind and spirit. I can't take it easy anymore, otherwise I'll fall too far behind and maybe never grow up. heh

Back to church...the message was about what we place our foundation on. Work? Or Jesus? It can be found in verses Matthew 6:25-34. One thing that I remember from the speaker was that things can turn upside down in a moment. He told of how he was a rising star in an agency, and a week later, he caused a major foul up. He felt like he failed miserably and he felt sorry that his wife was married to him. (Maybe not too extreme, but yeah, he felt really bad.) He told of something that he thought of one day. He said that he can't explain it, but he saw a vision in Jerusalem 2000 years ago. A crowd jeering a man who had failed their expectations. He was carrying his cross up a path. Only that man wasn't Jesus, it was him, the speaker. He said that he felt like God was telling him that God knows what it's like to be in that situation. Jesus came down to earth and experienced what it is like to be human. And if the speaker couldn't trust in Jesus' love to get him through things, then what could he trust in?

I must mention here that he didn't mean to trust that Jesus would do his work for him, because obviously you have to do your own work, but he was saying that a job doesn't make your worth. All the things that the world tells you about "spending your money, because you earned it," is not exactly true for people of faith. The speaker said that really, the things that we earn are gifts from God.

Anyway, how I related that to me was that I am really getting obsessed with how much I make. I'm not making that much. I work an hourly job and get paid very little. That's why I'm worrying about money so much. But, I shouldn't worry about where I'm going to go in the future. Not saying that I shouldn't plan, but really, if I work hard and things work out, then that's good. But really, I need to find direction from God. I keep saying that I could lose my job at any time. That's true, even though I'm doing alright in my job, if the company decides to lay off workers, then I'm one of the people with the lowest seniority and would get fired towards the beginning. Anyway, I keep on wondering if I'm living my life in a way that is worthless. Maybe I'm too hard on myself, but I fail to see how I'm doing any good on this planet. Maybe I should spend more time with God...I'm not sure if I'm ready to ask where I should be though...

I guess I shoudn't worry about the future. But, I must do what I need to do to grow. I keep on wondering where I'll be in 10 years. I guess that depends on God and me.

I'm glad it's the weekend. I'm feeling like I don't know where I'm going in life.

Today, my coworkers were encouraging to me. I guess they don't hate me after all. I don't know why, but everyone was in a good mood today. Maybe it's that the Thanksgiving weekend is coming and we're all happy that we get an extra two days off. But yeah, they were great.

I'm kind of wondering if I will go to someplace on Friday at 3am and wait in line for 6 hours. Hmm...I'm not so sure about that. But yeah, it wouldn't be too much different from working at my workplace, which is in the general area. But yeah, maybe I shouldn't because I need to save money...

I'm looking forward to next week as I will only have 3 days of work! They said that we will have an opportunity to work on Friday and receive holiday pay in addition to our hours. I'm not sure if I want to do that, but I think that it might be a good thing to get some more money, even though I would miss out on standing in line for great deals. I figure that I have enough junk to hold myself for awhile so I probably won't stand in line. And I'm not sure if missing a holiday and a full night's sleep is worth an extra 27 dollars. So maybe I'll NOT go to work on Friday.

With this lack of money in my bank account, I seem to have been obsessed with how much I'm spending each day. If I had a well paying job, then I'd probably use my money less wisely on bigger and better stuff. But I've been not buying stuff that I thought was a good deal. Unless I really wanted it.

Man, what's up with buying stuff? Why do I keep on buying stuff that I don't use? I think that for me, it feels good to buy something. I now have something to add to my collection. I look for good deals, but it seems like I'll never have enough time to use all of this junk. Maybe I should sell this stuff...

I'm wondering if the wealth of stuff that I have that takes my time away from God is actually why I'm spiritually poor. I mean, why is it that the most important things in my life are put on the tail end. Maybe I've got my priorities upside down and I need to get a new perspective. Well, I could write about this all I want, but when it comes down to it, what you spend your time on and what you spend your money on are the most important things in your life. I guess I've got to stop blogging for today and get going.

Seek God's kingdom first...hmm...

Man, did I say that?

Yeah, I guess I have trouble focusing. Anyway, I think that I tend to sound like an idiot posting on this blog and granted I just write off the top of my head and don't spend too much time here. I go off on a lot of tangents and don't finish what I was saying. Bad habits from spending a lot of time in isolation I guess. I guess that's one reason why people don't like to talk to me. The other is that I'm not very good at talking either. Oh well...I guess there's nothing to do but improve. That, or just let my skills turn into dust. Which I'm not going to do.

Work...

I must say that it's getting busier, but we've been working faster. I don't know what the new manager is doing, but we're getting done earlier. I'm thinking that I need to find a new job though. I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing in the next few months of work. We'll see though.

Work overall is not bad. But it's still a good place to work, even though I wouldn't recommend it to that many people. Kind of dangerous...

I think as the weather gets colder, people tend to want to get out of there faster. They use heat, but it goes out of the warehouse fast when the doors open. Plus it's hard to heat up a warehouse anyway.

Anyway, enough blogging...got to study.

Topic from "Lost"

I saw my first episode of Lost today. I watched it in my community group today and we talked about how we could relate to some of what the characters went through.

The episode was about one character who was told that he couldn't do something. He would say, "Don't tell me what I can't do." He thought that it was his destiny to go on this trip in Australia, but circumstances dictated that he couldn't do this trip. It was kind of sad what his life was like and the things that he wanted to do, but couldn't. What was worse was that people were telling him that he couldn't do those things (and granted, he couldn't), but he still had dreams.

I guess how I could relate to that is that people haven't directly told me that I couldn't do something. It is that I thought that they thought that I couldn't do something. And in a sense, I believed what I was thinking...that I couldn't do it. I don't know what others thought, because nobody told me.

Anyway, I don't know what my point is, but with the things going on in my life at work, I'm thinking that I really need to get back to God and look where He's leading me. Something that I'm not sure I want to ask.

As of right now, I'm not sure what is in store for my life, but I think, "if I'm not following God...then how will I experience anything that God has in store for me." I don't know where God is leading me and I think that that's a problem.

Dreams...it's good to dream, but it won't happen unless you try to make it happen. Some of us never fulfill our purpose in life. Some of us never reach where we're supposed to be. We all have a purpose, but when you look around at this world and at yourself, are you making it happen?

I look and I see that I have a lot of things to do. I guess I've got to stop blogging and make it happen.

One more thing. I'm not saying to give up, but really, sometimes you need to know your own limits. Sometimes reality can bite you if you're not careful and you go out there recklessly.

School days long gone...

My friend interviewed me today for a school project of his. The interview is supposed to be with a person who didn't have a typical school experience. I must say that going to school was pretty tough once I reached Jr. High school, and parts of high school were not that easy either. But I'm glad that I turned out alright.

There were so many factors as to why I didn't go crazy and do something bad, but yeah, I'm just glad that I didn't do anything that I would regret later on.

Where to start...Jr. High. It was tough going to Jr. High school. I didn't know a lot of the people, and I started to withdraw from others. I had some friends, but it was the name calling that really brought me down. I must say that it wasn't an easy time for me. But then again, what Jr. High school or Middle school experience is easy? I probably had a tougher time than most students, but when you look at it, it's tough for everyone, because we're all going through changes during those times. I guess one thing that stays with me is that I realized that those days are long gone, and I'm glad that they're over.

One of my teachers during that time, Mr. Butterfield was a great encouragement to me. He had a great sense of humor. He told stories about students saying, "Hey butterboy!" One thing that I'll remember is that he cared whether his students learned or not. He actually asked me if I understood the material in front of the whole class. For some people, that might be traumatizing, but he didn't do that to hurt me, but because he wanted to explain how the do the problem if I didn't understand it. He didn't do that only for me, but for others who were shy and didn't raise their hands that often. He did it in such a way that he was not putting down the students, but really working with them. I also remember that he would stay after school and let us retake tests if we didn't score well in them the first time. Granted, you can't do that in high school, but yeah, he was a great teacher and I'll always remember him.

I really dreaded going to school in Jr. High. I could imagine my experience being worse if I went to Jr. High in Japan. I wasn't the easiest person to get along with and I was outright rude at times. But I'm just lucky that I didn't experience anything worse happening in my life. I could have gotten beaten up if I acted upon my anger.

School wasn't easy as it used to be. I had a hard time focusing on something. I would have to use a lot of effort to concentrate on doing something or getting something done. But then again, that's a lot of people out there.

Anyway, this is probably not so interesting to a majority of the readers out there, but hey what can I say, this is a journal of parts of my life. Sometimes some people's lives aren't that interesting, but they are experiences unique to each person.

Anyway, yeah, I have both good and bad memories of school, but I like to think that I did okay. Now that I'm out of school, I miss college, but not high school or Jr. High. Elementary was good, but when we reached the end, everything seemed like it was kind of changing at that time too.

Anyway...

Work today...

There was some yelling going on upstairs. Two women were telling each other to shut up and it caught our attention downstairs. I think that my workplace has a tendency to cause people to get a little tense. We're always being pushed to go faster in our work everyday. If we don't go fast, then our supervisors get yelled at and they encourage us to work fast, so they don't get yelled at. But yeah, I'm not sure if this is a good company to work for. Granted all companies are trying to make a profit, but I keep on hearing stories about this place and it makes me wonder if I should find a new job soon.

It's not so bad now, but I could imagine it getting a lot worse than it is now. I'm lucky to be in the place that I'm in now, because some other places have it worse.

I guess I could be fired anytime soon, so I should count myself lucky to have a job right now.

Habits

There's one friend of mine that I keep on getting frustrated with. Maybe it's that he doesn't listen to what I have to say, or maybe I'm just not conveying it in a manner worthy to be listened to, but I'm finding that I'm probably not the best person to go to for advice, because I haven't been able to say things in a calm manner or help others understand what I'm trying to tell them. I end up telling them what I think, and they think differently, so we're just not making any progress. I wonder if I'm making bad choices with my own life looking at my friend.

He doesn't have a job right now and I have job, but I don't make that much money. He goes out with us every week for lunch, and he's spending money that he's receiving from others when he's not able to support himself. I am also doing the same thing. I am living with my parents, and my job doesn't pay that much. When I buy stuff for myself like video games (things I don't need), I am in a sense spending money that I should be saving so that I could become independent and make a life for myself. I'm at the age where I should be living on my own and earning a good income. However, with my use of money on myself, I've dishonored my parents.

you might ask why. Well, to put it this way, my parents are supporting me until I can support myself. Yet I'm not making any progress in doing that. I'm eating their food, using their electricity, using their water while I'm not paying anything for that. If they were to kick me out right now, I could not support myself with this job. Which is why I've got to be more responsible with my money and not spend it on myself and save it up.

My friend doesn't see that he's being irresponsible with his money by spending it on going out to eat with us when he could buy food at the store at a cheaper price. He also doesn't see that his family isn't going to support him forever. He doesn't listen to me and I don't know how to tell him in a way that he could understand that he needs to find a job and support himself. I guess I've learned something from him. I just hope that he could learn something from me. But, I've had no success in my time that I've known him.

I must say that I don't know all the choices that he makes daily, but I can imagine that he's probably not using it all on things he needs. Just like me. I see what I need to do now, and I need to stick to it. Yep, gotta stop buying stuff...

Well, I will say one thing, my friend is making some progress, but he really needs to get into better shape, or else he's going to find himself on the street.

[Edit] I guess I could find myself on the street soon if I don't shape up either.

It's sad when someone dies. You can't see them anymore or tell them how much you love them. The service is the goodbye to their earthly body that once contained a spirit inside of it. Nobody knows what happens after death, but those who have faith in Jesus believe that those who died in Christ will be with our Lord, who is good and loving and kind.

I don't know what I'd do if someone in my life died, but I can sympathize for those who have lost someone recently. But even that is pretty weak compared to what they have to go through.

I don't know what to say. I only know that nothing is permanent in this world, except our soul. Everything that you buy in this world, own or whatever will go back to the earth. Nothing will stay here, everything will turn back into what it was before...dust and dirt. Including us.

Nothing I can do but pray...

I can't say how much I'm saddened. What can I do but pray? I really don't know what to do...I guess I have to just trust in the Lord.

All church retreat

I went to my church retreat this past weekend. I must say that I didn't know why I was going. I only went because I had nothing better to do. As of lately, I've come to expect nothing from anyone or anything. I guess I've felt like I'm alone in this world and that how could God love someone like me? Someone who doesn't feel like he belongs anywhere or to anything.

Going to the retreat helped me to see that I need to do what I previously did before. Focus on Jesus by praying, spending time in the Word, and not just spending time in the word but actually digging and chewing on the content so that I will understand the spiritual applications. The speaker challenged us to get off our butts and do something to help others come to know Jesus.

He started off with other religions; how they have to train to become a follower. But when it comes down to Christianity, we get saved and we tend to end there. He said that being saved is not the end, but the beginning. And that you cannot grow in Christ, unless you are saved. He mentioned that Christians are some of the laziest people spiritually and that many of us never fulfill our purpose in life.

One thing that one of my friends took away from the speaker was this quote, "People are going to Hell because you won't open your mouth." What the speaker was talking about at that point was that we are called to tell others about Jesus regardless of what this world says we can do. We're afraid to tell others, because it's not accepted and not allowed to be told in many places. He said that we don't have time to think whether or not God wants us to do something, because there is not very much time. Nobody knows when Jesus is coming back, but if he comes back tomorrow, the speaker said that he wants as many people to come to know Jesus as possible before then.

He said a lot of hard things to hear, but it was definitely Spirit led.

The speaker talked about a lot of things in the retreat, but his main point was that "growth requires our willingness." G.R.O.W. And that we are to grow in every aspect of our spiritual lives.

The physical is often used to describe the spiritual. And many other things like that.

Anyway, it was a good retreat, but I realized there that I have a lot of work to do in my own life. I have not grown these past 4 years. I've felt like I've atrophied in my spiritual life. Really, if I am here for something, then I need to stop my laziness, get into the word, pray, and go out and do ministry in my workplace and other places. I'm not saying that I'm going to preach to people, because right now, I don't have any friendships with my co-workers. Plus I don't know them too well. But yeah, I really need to get on it and live a life worth living. There isn't much time in anybody's life. We're here one day, and then we're gone another. We only have so much time and everyday should be a day to live for.

One thing that I'll remember from the speaker is that adversity brings about growth. It's not a time to ask if God is real, because those who are believers have seen the evidence in their own personal lives. But it's a time to turn to him and realize that we're not alone in this. Somewhere someone has experienced that same thing.

I have a sense of what I should do, and I must prepare. Growth...

I must prepare...

I woke up late today to go to work. I made it on time, but I didn't eat breakfast so my day was horrible. I think that people could sense it too, because people kind of stayed their distance from me, but then again, I probably would too if someone else was having a bad day.

I kept on thinking...why am I working here? My answer was always that I need a job and this will fill in for now. It was also a wake up call, because today was pretty cold in the warehouse and I could find a better job if I worked on my Japanese. I plan to work on that today, because I don't want to be in this warehouse forever.

I was thinking a lot today about what other people thought about me. I know that it doesn't matter what other people think, but it is kind of depressing that people think things about me. I take comfort, though, knowing that God loves me regardless of whether or not people do. I will be accepted in His house. Then I wonder, will I be outside with the unbelievers where there is weeping and gnashing of teeth? heh. I guess working here brings some things into perspective.
I don't know where I'm headed, but I'm thinking that I need to pray more and find direction. I wonder where I'll go?

So what do you want to do?

I went to church yesterday. I have been wondering every Sunday whether or not I should go to church. I go most of the time out of habit. When I do go, I feel either one of two things. Blessed that I went, or really stupid or ashamed at something that I did. I went this Sunday because I'm trying to make some good efforts to build my life instead of just giving up on it.

This weeks sermon was about money. I heard the sermon and it was pretty good. I must say that I had forgotten that everything belongs to God. And that I'm just a steward of it right now. It doesn't belong to me and even though I worked hard for it, I shouldn't hold onto it, because it will go to someone else at some point.

I was convicted about my money usage this past year. Man, I spent a lot of money here and there since I got a job thinking that I deserved these things, because I'm now working. I could have spent it better and I could have used my time better too. Happiness found in wealth is not happiness at all.

Something that the pastor mentioned struck me. People he knew who took a job because they felt that God wanted them there instead of taking a higher paying job are some of his heros. I look at what I do and I wonder, what does God want me to do? I really don't know and I'm not sure if I want to know. I don't know if I could trust God enough to get me through something that is God-sized. Maybe I'm of little faith...I guess I haven't gotten back into the game.

Anyway, the main point of the message is what are we focusing on? Money itself is not a bad thing, but we can make it into a God. Yeah, I guess I shouldn't focus so much on money.

So I ask myself, what do I want to do with my life? I'm not sure if I really want to do anything right now. I always struggle with where I'm going to go and how I'm going to get there. I guess I've got to do what I've got to do...

Today was our draft for Fantasy basketball.

I must say that I think that M has a good team...I mean, a really good team.

One thing that is going to make this year interesting is that there are 10 people in the league and the bottom 5 buy dinner for the top 5 after playoffs.

At the draft, two guys didn't show up, and another didn't show up until later, because Java wasn't installed on his computer.

I have a feeling that I might be on the bottom 5, but we'll see. I got 3rd last year...only because I did a lot more research and picked up some risky players who paid off. I can say that my lack of sports knowledge helped me to pick some of those players based upon their stats and my wanting to go for it all when I'm gambling. (Yeah, I should never go to Vegas or a casino.) Anyway...

After the draft, we played football today. There were about 7 of us who came and this other group from Lighthouse was there, so they played against us.

It was kind of embarassing for me, because I haven't played football since last Thanksgiving and even before that, I haven't played sports consistently for almost 2-3 years. I realized last year that I am not good at sports anymore. (Okay, I was decent...now, I'm just not very good.) I'm getting old and fat, even though I'm relatively young...

Last year, I realized that I know very little about football, when I was playing safety and I didn't play in a zone. I charged the guy running the football and they threw it over my head. But I'm learning little by little.

I think one thing that I should work on is being more aggressive. I felt like I was playing like a girl. (Sorry ladies, but really, most of you don't play rough.) I've never been aggressive. I think the closest I got was when I was playing basketball when I was a kid. But even then, I wasn't that aggressive compared to how people my age play now. Oh well...no big deal...

I keep thinking that if you're going to do something, do it NOW.

For my whole life, I've kept on procrastinating. As you can see, the things that I thought that I would be at this age never came. The only dream that came true was going to the college that I wanted to go to. That and making friends with some great people. But other than that, I haven't really realized any dreams of mine.

If you want to get something to happen, then you're going to have to work for it. The timing may not come when you expect it to be, but you have to be ready for when it does come. And you have to maintain your tenacity.

The question always comes up, "What if my dream never happens?" That is always a factor in any chance a person takes. Depending on how big your dream is, it may or may not happen . But if you don't prepare for it or try to achieve it, then it won't happen. Is it worth the risk of failing?

Don't get me wrong either. Sometimes, there are stupid risks. Be smart with what you do with your life, or you might not be here for very long.

Hmm...if I never take a chance, then I'll never succeed. If I never try to achieve something, then it will never happen. Work ethic is important. But, I feel like I'm taking the easy way out and doing nothing at all.

I guess I could complain all I want, but unless I actually do something to improve, then I'll be stuck here in the same place that I've always been. I guess it's no use blogging about it. Got to get off my butt and do something.

Something that my pastor said last sunday is going through my mind. "You should always be growing in your walk with God."

I look at my walk and I see that I have not spent enough time with God consistently. I have so much time on my hands and I spend most of it playing video games. I'd say that I'm spending time with God once or twice a week and that is not good enough for me.

I don't know why, but it's always hard to do something that's good for myself. Finding a balance...

Oto na ni narenai

I have one life to live, one life to give, and one life to build right now. I know that I'm not perfect and I make mistakes, but next time, I'll do what's hard instead of taking the easy route out. We'll see what happens...

So why am I here again...?

The place where I work is not bad, but sometimes just hearing stuff there is. I guess that can't be helped.

At my workplace there is this other guy who went to the same university as me. He graduated a year before me and ended up at the company about the same time I did. He used to say, "I went to school for this?" when he would be unloading a truck. I'm in the same boat. I guess. My parents spent all that money on my education and what do I have to show for it? It's sad...yes.

I keep on thinking that I'll probably not find another job any time soon. What have I specialized in? Japanese.

Can I speak Japanese?
Barely, because I hardly use it anymore.

What can I do to improve it? Read Newspapers and study everyday. Also learn the stuff on the proficiency test.

Why aren't you doing it? No excuse, I'm just not doing it.

WHY??? Because I feel stupid.

For the end part of my school career, I've felt really stupid. I guess I understand now why some people hate school. If they fail, then they're less likely to feel good in it. Or, they give up. I can say that it was a variety of things going on in my life. One was that I didn't have very good time management skills. With a lot of things going on, then it's hard to do everything in less free time.

One quote that is a duh statement is, "College is harder than High school." I heard in my Economics class my Senior year when I decided to take Economics for fun. (Yup, smart move taking a freshman weed out class in your senior year.) I would say that that was a good class to take though, because I learned that money spent here is less money that you could have spent there. And that stock brokers can't predict how stocks are going to move any better than you or I could. Anyway, the point that I was trying to make before I got distracted was that I learned things a little later than others. I was still stuck in high school mode for most of my career in college. I actually would have done better in college if I didn't do so many social activities, but then again, I would have missed out on what it means to be human and to learn that I have a long way to go in that too.

I'm wondering why I'm here at this company. But it's teaching me that I still have a long way to go in terms of my maturity and well being. I haven't really dealt too much with people that I met in high school, but I'm finding that the place that I'm working at is very much like high school in some respects. But, I'd say that there are some cool people there that I don't get to talk to and that everyone is doing a job efficiently. There are some slackers there, yes, but even they work hard too for the work that they do. It's not a bad place to work. It's however, not an easy place to work at.

Well, something tells me that I can get out of there if I want to. I just have to do better than I did in college.

Another thing about Economics is that I learned that it's better to specialize in something than to be a jack of all trades. Why? When you specialize in something, you can become a lot better at it than spending so much time on various things and not reaching an expert level on something. What I learned in another workshop separate to this class was that if you work on improving things that you're not good at instead of improving things that you are good at, what have you done?

Lets say you have l

Have you ever felt like you've gotten into a routine that just doesn't end? I feel that way every time I go to work and it reaches the weekend. Then when the weekend ends, I feel depressed that work starts again. I wonder how many other people feelt his way?

Anyway, I think that I'm going to do horrible on my Japanese test, because I haven't been studying. I've been sleeping a lot and playing video games, because it keeps me awake. I won't say why I'm so tired, but those who know me will know why. And, no, it's not because I'm playing video games. I'm wondering if I'll ever make it out of this cycle.

My dog was barking at some guys doing landscaping at the yard next door, so I couldn't sleep for awhile. So I turned on the TV and saw a movie yesterday on HBO. It was called, "Love can't buy you a thing." It is the remake of an earlier movie called, "Can't buy me Love". Basically the story goes on about a nerdy guy who has some friends, but isn't popular. He pays this popular girl some money to be his girl-friend for a certain period of time and he becomes popular.

One thing that I liked about the redone version was that it had some humor in it that I don't recall in the original. The storyline moved at a good pace, and I thought that it had some okay points at the end. I thought that the original had a better point after seeing the end just recently while flipping channels. Anyway, I was a little kid when I first watched "Can't buy me Love" and even then I didn't understand any of what the movie was about. But I think that I would like the movie if I saw the original again.

Anyway, enough randomness...I gotta get going on something.

"Dump the attitude, get off your butt and work on it!" That was a line from the movie and I'd have to agree with it.

I keep writing about what I'm going to do, but unless I get down to it and do it, it's not going to happen.

I had a dream last night, or should I say this morning about two friends who are not really in my life that often. I dreamed that they were having a conversation about me. It wasn't the easiest thing to listen to, but I woke up after we all left the restaurant.

I took it as something that something is telling me to get going on what I need to do. I however, did what I expected to do. I played video games the whole day. When I looked up after I reached an intermission, it was already 3pm!

I guess this is something that has been a constant in my whole life. I played piano for 13 years of my life and have not played it consistently since. My teacher would tell me that I've stayed at the same level for quite awhile after she got frustrated at my lack of progress. I used to think that I was really good. That, was my problem.

Nowadays, I feel like I'm not so good and I don't try anymore. Which leads to more mediocrity and deterioration of skills.

Fellowship...

I keep wondering why I go to fellowship. I enjoy it and my friends are great, but I keep wondering, am I really growing? It has nothing to do with how it's being run or what we learn there, it just has to do with me not expanding on what I'm learning and digesting it. I guess if I played video games for one whole day, I should not expect to be growing if I don't work at what I need to.

I guess a relationship is much different than just learning about something.

That's the thing, I'm not consistent. Consistent...that word just opened up another can of worms. Which, I won't go into. I can say that I don't know what to say anymore when it comes down to things. Maybe I should stop writing and actually do something instead of walking around and around and around in circles.

Maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. Maybe I should go into video games instead of Japanese. I don't know anymore.

Make a decision and stick with it. Yeah...

Sometimes I wonder how long I'll be at this job. I don't know if they're going to fire me for a whole bunch of reasons going through my head, or if I'll find another job soon. I'm kind of thinking that nobody really likes me at this place.

Someone told me that "everyone thinks you're a saint...it's kind of annoying really." I was kind of surprised. "Saint?" it's kind of weird, because I get the feeling that people don't like me. Plus, I hardly feel like a saint at all. I feel like I'm the opposite.

Anyway, I wonder why I'm here. Why am I doing this job? Two reasons, I need a job, and I don't feel confident enough to get another job in Japanese. Also, I have more time to study when I'm doing a job for only 4 hours.

Anyway, one of my former roommates told me not to worry about things like this. I can see why he's happy, he just lets things be. He doesn't worry about what he can't help and does what he can help. He really is a good guy.

I know that I'm capable of becoming a much better person than I am right now. I was doing really well at one point, then things sort of crumbled. I lost it and I haven't recovered. I must say that it is good that I didn't stay up in the sky for too long, because it is helping me to learn how to deal with problems. But I wonder, do I really want to get well? I want to say yes, but I'm still learning how to deal with success.

When people compliment me, I tend to not take it as a compliment. Mainly because I've always been put down by someone when I got big headed. Maybe that's why I feel like such a loser sometimes.

Okay, I'm going to try to not put myself down and I'm going to try to build myself up. Heh, build myself up. Why is it that I'm always having to rebuild what I once started...

I guess the answer is that I tear it down. heh. Okay, enough depressing things. Have to stick to it if I really want it. If I want growth in my life, then I'm going to have to work at it consistently, and stick to it. It doesn't come easy at first, and some things may never come easy, but if you want growth, then you'll have to do what you should be doing and cut out what you should not be doing. Easier said than done, I know...but I got there once, I'm trying to get there again...

Set your minds on things above, not earthly things (Colossians 3:2)

Work sucks, I know...

I've been hating my job recently. I'm tired of doing this job but I think that I'll probably be here for awhile. I can attribute the factors leading to why I hate my job, but the fact is that I need this job to earn some income. I can't live in my parent's hous forever.

Anyway, there are some good people at my workplace, but there are some people who I can't really understand too well. It's kind of like going back to high school. People have their own lives and problems that they don't tell others about. Plus, it's not like you get to talk to everyone there. Most of the time, I'm barely talking. And sometimes I'm intimidated to talk to some people there.

My supervisor is great though. He is a guy that is worthy of the job. He cares about the people more than the work. But he still knows how to get us to work without making us feel bad. I can say that I'm glad that he's my supervisor.

I'm not sure what to say anymore. I'm tired of working at such late hours and feeling bad almost every single day, because I can't sleep 8 hours in a row. Usually I can only sleep around 4-6 and I fall back asleep later at night before work starts. However, I feel good after work ends.

I guess it's no use complaining about it. If I really want to do something else, then I should work on improving my skills to do something else. I feel like I just don't want to do anything.

Well...I guess there's another way of looking at things. I'm lucky that I have a job. After all that time looking after school ended, I didn't find a job that I could stay for the short term. There were a couple of jobs that interested me, but they required a very long stay...longer than I would have liked. With this job, I can leave at any time that I want. I do a fairly decent job at my work, even though some guys get angry that I miss some of the open boxes, I'd say that I'm catching most of them.

There will always be things to complain about. I've been complaining to myself almost everyday. But, it would be helpful if I looked at what positive things I do have.

I'm alive. I have a job. I have a place to sleep. I'm really lucky to have these things. If I want better things, then I'm going to have to create some skills by learning them. I know that it's not always that easy, but hearing some stories from people who have experienced life longer than me, I'd say that they've all struggled at some point, but things worked out later because they made some good choices.

Anyway, I know that life will never be easy. However, I have the cards that I'm dealt, and I've got to use them and do what I can with them. Man, if I want to get out of this job, it really depends on me.

What's amazing sometimes is how some people who go through hardships stay or become great people. I'm always amazed at some people's faith...how strong it is and how they are not bitter about what has happened in the past. I hope that someday, people will see that in me. But I'm not going to hold my breath. I can't look so far into the future that I forget where I am now. However, I can't stay in one place and feel depressed at where I am.

I'm wondering...what is the next step?

There's that old proverb. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. It may seem daunting to get to someplace that's far off, but you've got to start somewhere. Even if it's only a little step, if you keep walking, then you'll get closer to your destination. However, you have to keep walking in the right direction. And, you have to keep walking. I guess I need to stop the blog and take a step. It's one thing to say something. It's another things to actually do it.

Oh yeah, one more thing. Sometimes it's not the destination that is the important part, but the journey. Growth is more important than receiving the reward. Why? Because to people of faith, your life does not end at death. The soul is eternal.

Gotta keep moving. Regroup and go at it again...

I've found it hard to pray today. I think that watching the 9th episode of "Band of Brothers" yesterday really disheartened me before I went to sleep. It's pretty crazy what kinds of things went on in the past.

I sometimes question why things happen. How could God let this happen? How could God stand by and let people suffer like this?

I know that God knows all the things that have happened, are happening, and will happen. He knows all of this, because unlike us, He is outside of time...or so I've heard people say. Like I or anybody else would know. But, as I've heard in class, God is a god of History, or time. Granted that was in my Hebrew Bible class and the older notions of what God is about. But to me that seems good enough of an explanation.

Anyway, I guess I'll never know why God lets these things happen. I know that it's tougher to be God than to be me though. I just have to trust that He knows what He's doing. I also have to do my part and also be the person that He wants me to be.

History is doomed to repeat itself if we don't remember the past. I'm not sure where we're going, but I think that we're in for some struggles ahead. Just by how things look now, and what's happening, worse things will come. I think that it's because of a lack of understanding on our parts. I really don't know what President Bush is doing. I think that he has made some bad decisions in terms of the environment, the war in Iraq, and just how he has really created the biggest deficit in history by any president, even with excluding the disaster of Hurricane Katrina.

I wonder...with the way things are going now, what will the future bring? And, what am I going to do? What am I going to do...

Right now, I'm going to study Japanese. I may be naive, but I think that this is something that I should be doing. Not sure why though...

Sometimes I wonder...why the heck am I here. I don't know the answer to that. Only that I'm here and I need to do something.

Anyway, I thought that I was going to get fired today, but it turns out that it wasn't anything like that at all. I've been sick the past couple of days and I thought that I wasn't working so well. I was missing a lot of boxes...to me I've felt like I'm working really crummy. Maybe I was, but I've just got to get some rest and recover.

Tomorrow is another day.

Hearing my dog snore while I'm awake studying Japanese before I go to my job makes me really want to do better on this next test. I could be sleeping right now, but because I work odd hours (graveyard) I'm awake and it is taking a toll on my body.

I guess it's no use complaining. Just do what you need to and get it done.

I gave myself some hw to do so that I would finish my study guide before the test. I'm seeing that there's still a lot that I don't know and a lot that I've forgotten over this past year. The term "Use it or lose it" rings true.

You may be asking what test I'm talking about. The Japanese Language Proficiency Test. I didn't pass the level that I took last year, so I'm taking it again. Hopefully, I won't have to take this level over again.

Anyway, I think that I'm going to get some sleep before work...

Revelation...

Check out Max Lucado's book, "You are Special" That basically sums up what I'm thinking right now.

I'm finding that I'm having to relearn to some things. Where I was once before, I've backtracked. I'd say however, that these things that are happening are good things. If I never experienced these things, then I'd say that I'd never grow.

I really need to make some changes in my own life, and to really let things be, even if they don't turn out the way that I want them to. I'm learning how to do that now and I think that I'm making some progress, but we'll see where I end up in about a year or so.

Anyway, God is good. Despite all the bad things that happened to me recently, I'd say that they aren't such a big deal and that these are necessary for my growth. I'm still learning how to handle these things, but really, they are quite small in retrospect. I just tend to make them into a big deal or bad situation.

Letting things go. Not dwelling on the past, living in the present and building a future. One of my friends posted something that was quite good. He's reading this book by Geoffrey Canada called, "Reaching up for Manhood: Transforming the Lives of Boys in America." You can find his post here

Sometimes I'd rather not blog. I don't know most of you, and most of you don't know me. Nothing is built because of this blog, and I'd rather not build things with people because of this blog.

Telling the whole world something just doesn't seem like a good thing. Especially if you don't think about what you're writing.

Anyway, I'm going to be blogging less and writing more in my own journal. This blog has not helped me very much in reflecting and writing what's on my heart. The reason being that it's public and people could get insulted or hurt because of the things going on inside. Not saying that I have anything against anyone for any reason, but saying that words can hurt others in ways that the person saying them may not see.

Plus, I really don't know how people will interpret what I'm saying. Sometimes I'm not very clear because I'm just writing. But words can be twisted and people may misunderstand the true intent of what I was trying to say. Sometimes I don't mean for people to understand what I'm writing because I started this blog mainly for me.

But, really, I don't think that this blog has helped me. Anyway, that's it for now.

Last night at fellowship, I realized that I need to spend more time with God. I've been playing a lot of video games lately, and it has taken up a lot of my time.

Plus, I've been sleeping a lot too. I think that can be attributed to some weight gain and less exercise along with junk food. I think that this is the first time that I've been overweight. Got to do some push ups every night and run on the weekdays and limit those junks.

Must make small steps right now and get farther along the road.

Today was good. I made some good choices, but we'll see how I fare in the days to come.

All I want to say is that I'm feeling either caffiene withdrawal, or sick right now. I'm guessing it's caffiene withdrawal. Hmm...maybe this is a sign that I should quit while I'm not that addicted yet.

All I want say now is, I have more respect for my teachers who put up with me and my classmates. I also have respect for the planning and how well most of them carried them out. It's not easy to teach someone something. Especially if you've never had any training in it. But I think that for the most part, I just need to be clear, direct, and to keep things simple.

Part of me thinks that I'm trying too hard and not getting enough done. But who knows, we'll see what will happen when I go to the interview.

I'm having second thoughts about going to Japan. I've been wishy-washy for a long time about this. I know very little about this company and I know little about Japan. But I think that if I am accepted to go, then I'll take it to see what things are like over there. If not, then it's no big deal. The interview was just practice. I'll accept it as something that I shouldn't do right now if other places reject me. Maybe I'm not ready.

Anyway, the interview is going to last quite awhile and I'm not sure how well I'm going to take it. But whatever happens, life goes on and it's not the end of the world. As long as I'm still living, I can make changes.

Then I think...do I really want to make those changes? I don't know anymore, and I'm tired of saying things. I have things that I need to deal with, and I'm not sure if I'll ever find the answers to those questions. But I've got to keep walking forward. If we meet paths again, then I've got to decide what I'm going to do and do it. Right now, I'm still trying to work on things in my own life.

Maybe I need to retrace my steps...the world is not against me. If things are going wrong in a lot of things, then maybe I need to look at myself and see if I'm the problem. I think that yeah, there are some things that I need to fix. But sometimes, I wonder if it's better if I'm not involved. Maybe for now, it's better that I'm not as involved, but I need to get back into the swing of things. I mean, I can't recover if I don't pick myself up and try again...

I've been trying...more like I've been going through the motions. But really, I need to try some more...

So...what am I supposed to do when I find them?

Overall, the past two days have been really good. I must say that doing social activities helps me to feel more comfortable around people. I felt more human instead of feeling like an angry robot. It helped my mood at work. However, I must say that being tired didn't help how well I worked...but I'd say that feeling human is more important than one day of work. But I can't keep doing bad jobs, or else I'll get fired soon.

Today was pretty interesting at work though...My unloader told me to get my supervisor. I thought...great...my unloader must be feeling really bad. (He has been ill for sometime.) So I called the supervisor. He comes down from the catwalk and sees my unloader. Some exciting converstaion went on in there and I hear him say into the radio, "Crickets on the belt...Crickets on the belt."

I look inside the trailer and see that they're wiping crickets off of the boxes. He then said into the radio, "if any of you find a open cricket box give it to (This lady who's young and pretty) to deal with...(I won't name her)."

I ask him, "What are we supposed to do when we find these crickets?" He replied, "You let them go FREE!!! They were going to be some lizard's lunch, so now they're FREE!" (Emphasis his.) I see some crickets jump off of a box and land on the conveyor belt...only to get smashed by another box in the intersection. A few seconds later I thought that I heard a yelp from one of the guys on the sort aisle.

Oh what a cruel cruel world that we live in.

Okay enough silliness.

I must say that it is pretty interesting to work where I work sometimes. The people are all around my age, except for the managers and for some people who have worked there for awhile. Probably most of the people there are doing this job and another job, or wanting to be promoted when they've spent enoguh time in the system. It's not a bad place to work, but I don't think that I'd recommend this place, because you don't make that much money and it takes a long time to get promoted. When you get promoted, then you make money. But mostly, people use this place as a job for the summer or as a part time job during school.

I think that it has helped me to find at least some purpose in life. Earning a paycheck isn't the greatest thing in the world, but it does feel like I've done something with my time. I mean, I can't eat unless I work, right? Well, I don't know what I want to do. But today was a good day and good enough to distract me from the realities of the harshness of life.

However, I'd say that probably most others have it tougher than me.

I think about where I'm going in life. No direction....as of right now. The interview for teaching in Japan is around the corner and I'm not sure what to teach in the interview. I'm not even sure if going to Japan will be a good thing for me. But no point worrying...I want to do this and see what will happen. "Want" to do this...yeah right...I don't know what I want anymore. I feel like I'm still a kid sometimes. Not sure where I'm going...not sure what I want...not sure why I'm here. But there's nothing to do but live...participate, and try to make things better. What would I do if I found my purpose in life? What would I do if I found direction? What would I do if I found them? Let them run free in my life? haha I know they're inside somewhere. Maybe they'd be smashed like the cricket when it hits a turn. That's always a possiblity. But there are more than one so that some will run free. (Okay, I'm really weird today.) I'd say that it probably best that I don't know right now.

I'm a loner at heart

One person wrote that, "if you think you can't live without relationships (ie friendships or at least talking to other people,) then it's like saying that you can live without food or water." (paraphrased by me. from Les and Leslie Parrot's book Relationships)

My whole life, I've been a loner. I can say that growing up, I didn't really know how to relate to people. I didn't learn how to talk to others, because it wasn't the most important thing to me. When I tried to communicate, my family would get kind of frustrated at how random I was. I'm still like that today, as you probably know from reading my blog. But I've learned how to communicate a little better since I went to college. Communication is still something relatively new to me and I'm still struggling to get it out of my mouth.

People really don't get to know who I am, because I have trouble expressing myself. Sometimes people don't want to talk to me, because of my lack of people skills. I mean, how would you feel if you were talking to someone who is an adult, but has trouble talking? Or, who doesn't exactly see what he/she is saying until the person reacts in a certain way?

I'm not saying that that happens all the time with me. But it tends to be like that with people who I just meet. Really, my socialization skills have taken a turn for the worse since I left the dorms.

Practice makes perfect

Well, no sense complaining about it. A farmer once told me that "everything is hard. Nothing is easy." I didn't believe him at first, but later on I saw that that's probably true. Everything is hard because it takes some degree of skill to learn and some people are better at some things than others. Learning is never easy, but once you get going, then it will become easier as you gain experience.

That phrase, "everything is hard, nothing is easy" seems unrealistic to me but life is hard. Not many people will be good at something when they first start it. Sometimes people who are good something when they first try to do something have experience in something similiar. People who surf are likely to be good at snowboarding. People who play piano, will likely find playing another instrument not as hard because of the experience of playing music.

I may have some flaws in my argument, but one thing is clear. Nobody starts out being perfect. We may have some strengths that we don't know about, but if it isn't developed by the person who has it, then it will never get any better. Even people who aren't good at something at first, can become really good if they work on it and direct themselves towards goals that they've moving towards.

One thing that music has taught me is that you can't play a very hard piece well if you don't practice it over and over. Practice helps. Just like shooting a basketball from the freethrow line over and over again will more likely help you to make the freethrow later on in the game.

I've thought about this over and over, and yet, getting started is one of the hardest things for me.

Getting back to relationships...I guess if I don't go out there and at least try to relate to others, regardless of how they react, then I'll never learn how to relate to others.

Sometimes bouncing back is more important than how well you do the first time, or the second time. Retrying things and improving is necessary to becoming more successful at something you realy want to do. Trial and error...heh. I guess that's one great thing about life. It doesn't end when you fail. And you can learn and succeed if you keep trying. Not saying that you will, because sometimes you need to look at things about you and what you're good at. But saying that anybody can become really good at something.

Note, it always helps to start early when you're trying to develop skills. Musical instruments, reading, another language, whatever are all best learned now. Later, it becomes harder...

Anyway, with all that said, I still feel like I just want to play video games...heh. I guess I am a loner at heart. If I really want to be happy though, I'm going to need to work on some relational things in myself.

I signed up for the interview, and now I need to prepare for it. If things work out, I'll be going to Japan. But I'm not sure what God wants me to do. I guess I need to pray some more. Who knows, I might not even be accepted to go. If that happens, then I'll just keep working where I'm at now and work on my Japanese. Who knows what the future will bring. All I have to do is keep working and looking for opportunities.

I just know that I need to prepare for what I want to do in the future. It may never come true...but if I don't do anything to prepare for it, then it will definitely never come. Sometimes you get a chance to do something that you want to do. But, if you aren't prepared for it, or you never take the chance to go for it, then you'll never get it.

It kind of makes me wonder...about my own life in the past. If I never took any chances, then I would not have experienced so many good things. When I stopped taking chances, then I experienced a lot less. Less pain, along with less joy. The pain that I feel now seems to grow as I stop taking chances.

It's easy to say something...but it's another thing to do it. I feel like I just want to give up from time to time, but I know that I have to keep walking forward.

I try to be optimistic...but lately, I've been really pesimistic. I can see why too. heh. Anyway, no sense complaining about things anymore. Got to keep on moving forward.

Something inside of me tells me that I'm not any different from the people at my workplace. Maybe I've lost my identity. Maybe I never really had a strong identity in the first place. All I know is that if you don't stand firm, then you'll fall.

Anyway, I think that I have some changes that I need to make. It kind of makes me wonder if I go to Japan, will the system beat me down so that I'm like everyone else? Or will I take a stand and be known as a gaijin? Or an outcast. I really don't know what will happen to me if I go to Japan, but I know that it's much harder to be a Christian in Japan and other places where they're persecuted.

Already, I've made some choices. What Paul said is true. "God cannot be mocked! A man reaps what he sows." Meaning, if you choose bad things, then you'll receive the consequences of those bad things later on. If you choose good things, then you'll receive the good things later on. I'm not talking about the next life. I'm talking about people's lives in general and what they plan for the future. An explanation is seen in this. If you plant seeds, they'll grow into a plant. Depending on what seeds you plant, they'll grow into their respective plants.

Anyway, I might not be making too much sense, but really, that's one truth that I take from the Bible. It's found in the book of Galatians. Galatians 6:7. You can find the whole chapter here. Anyway, I've written this time and time again, and it seems like there's no progress.

I think that I have no commitment to anything right now. I'm just drifting. Of course I still believe in Christ. But then again, how committed am I? I don't think that my life reflects Jesus. I think that I have to get back to what's important again.

[edit] Okay, what I wrote above kind of seems like Karma. I didn't mean Karma. I meant that if you choose good things in your life, then your character or things about you will grow in that way. If you choose sin in your life, then you'll also grow in that way too. Anyway, I don't understand everything there is in the bible, but I do know that every choice has consequences. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. But it will change you in some way.

Anyway...yeah...

I just played Lords of the Realm III for about 2-3 hours. I'm still on the first mission. I finished the tutorial and have learned the basics of how to siege a castle and some tactics of changing formation in combat.

Each Knight has a their own garrison that they're in charge of. Instead of controlling individual troops, you control a unit of troops depending where your knight is. Usually, they're divided into 20-30 troops per unit, unless some get destroyed in the battle. In that case, you'll have to get back to your own land to replenish and retrain troops. Usually one knight in charge of one piece of land and trains units into what he knows how to make them into. Usually one class. So unless you combine forces with another knight, you probably won't have one knight controlling more than one type of attacker.

Classes range from Calvalry, footmen, swordsmen, warriors, pikemen, archers, crossbowmen, different types of siege equipment attackers, along with the leader of each group.

It's a pretty interesting game, but the main point of the game is to follow history and take over Ireland, or England, and some other countries. You also have to feed your armies, so you need to have serfs on some lands. If you want to hire other mercenaries, you'll need a city that they can visit.

Anyway, I'm going to play this some more when I get home, and hopefully, I'll beat it. But yeah, it's a pretty interesting game. It also goes down to a political level, but it's pretty basic. Declare war, offer peace, give a gift of money, offer an alliance, break alliance, etc. One thing that lacks in the this game is pictures of the other leaders that you're dealing with. All you get is text messages. I guess in a game that doesn't stop, it would kind of be annoying to get a picture of someone else blocking your view while you're trying to siege a castle. Getting hot oil poured on you because you're not paying attention tends to cause frustration when your unit dies.

Anyway, this is a game for people who like games like Warcraft, but aren't that good at them. Lords of the Realm III isn't an easy game, because it does require strategy and multi-tasking. But it is definitely a lot easier than Warcraft.