Watch out for the blind guy...he just might hurt you if you do something
I just finished watching Zatoichi, the one by Beat Takeshi. Pretty interesting movie. Probably most of you know this already but Zatoichi is a masseur who goes around massaging people for a living. But, he's also skilled with a sword, which he uses to defend himself and others.
There were Zatoichi movies before this one. They had a different guy in it and he was kind of different. He was also portrayed as a good hero type who used death when he needed to. Among the underworld, he was pretty well known apparently. Check them out if you have a chance. You can get some of those movies off of netFlix. You can find the link here
The one in 2003 by Beat Takeshi is the one that I mentioned above.
[Edit]
A webpage of the original series and a better description of Zatoichi can be found here. Apparently there are 26 movies out of the original Zatoichi.
If you want to buy the latest movie of Zatoichi by Beat Takeshi, you can find it here
Amazon has quite a few of the Zatoichi movies if you would like to buy them. But I'm sure that many of you can find them elsewhere.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Monday, June 26, 2006
I've been watching Neon Genesis Evangelion...only the first couple of episodes. I feel kind of like the main character...not a hero at all, but more unsure of what to do. The theme song is pretty interesting though. It is one of encouragement to the main character. "You don't know what you've got going for you" is one of the lines. I'm only on the first two episodes right now. I've been waiting for the price to go down for quite some time. The whole series for $45. Not bad...comparing the $100 that it started at. I even have the first tape when it came out in America. It was $10 for the first tape and $25 each tape after that. The total amount of tapes was like 13. Each tape had 2 episodes on them, so I've been waiting ever since then for the price to go down. At that time I was a senior in High school and was using some of my savings to find something in life to keep me busy.
Now that I have a part time job with horrible hours, I thought that I needed something to liven my life up. Actually, it was an impulse buy, because I knew that it would never go down to that price again. You can find the series box set on Amazon for about $45. I don't know if that's the price anymore though. For 26 episodes and the director's cut episodes for the last four episodes I'd say that this is a pretty good bargain. However with new DVD technology coming out, I'd say that you might be able to buy all the episodes on one disc for $20 sometime in the not so distant future. But who knows, they might just cancel selling it altogether like Gasaraki.
Anyway, materialism comes when there's nothing there. A way to fill the void of the spiritual gap that is my life. Hmm...materialism...I really don't need any of this stuff to live. Technology has never brought happiness to my life. It has brought filler inbetween the down times. I'm not saying that technology is bad, what I'm saying is that there needs to be something else besides technology to fill that hunger...a spiritual hunger. God? Um-hmm.
Talking with my brother today, I told him some of the frustrations that I've been feeling. It was a good talk and I think that he shed some light on the situation. I know that there are some things that I can't change. But that's life. I myself am only human and I don't have any special powers that can change things that I can't help. That must come from something else. But at least words might help. Well, maybe it's time to move on with life. I've been drifting for the past two years. Maybe going to Japan will be my next destination.
Now that I have a part time job with horrible hours, I thought that I needed something to liven my life up. Actually, it was an impulse buy, because I knew that it would never go down to that price again. You can find the series box set on Amazon for about $45. I don't know if that's the price anymore though. For 26 episodes and the director's cut episodes for the last four episodes I'd say that this is a pretty good bargain. However with new DVD technology coming out, I'd say that you might be able to buy all the episodes on one disc for $20 sometime in the not so distant future. But who knows, they might just cancel selling it altogether like Gasaraki.
Anyway, materialism comes when there's nothing there. A way to fill the void of the spiritual gap that is my life. Hmm...materialism...I really don't need any of this stuff to live. Technology has never brought happiness to my life. It has brought filler inbetween the down times. I'm not saying that technology is bad, what I'm saying is that there needs to be something else besides technology to fill that hunger...a spiritual hunger. God? Um-hmm.
Talking with my brother today, I told him some of the frustrations that I've been feeling. It was a good talk and I think that he shed some light on the situation. I know that there are some things that I can't change. But that's life. I myself am only human and I don't have any special powers that can change things that I can't help. That must come from something else. But at least words might help. Well, maybe it's time to move on with life. I've been drifting for the past two years. Maybe going to Japan will be my next destination.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
So today was the picnic for our church. I rode up with my brother, since he's in town and we're pretty much going to the same area, so he just dropped me off. I must say that it's kind of weird being back at church. I wasn't gone for that long, but I was gone for a significant amount of time. I was gone because of my new schedule and the lack of sleep that I got throughout the week. Anyway...
Being out of college, I've found that I've lost a lot of social skills that I once had. If you don't practice something, then it's tough to actually get good at it. In fact, you'll always be mediocre if you don't practice something. So I really didn't want to talk to people that much. So I'm saying that I'm staying mediocre because I don't want to go out there and try anymore. heh.
Maybe staying safe has been an issue for the past 4 years. I used to take chances to meet new people and talk to everyone that I could. I used to be a lot more upbeat and I was growing at that time. But since that incident 4 years ago, I felt like part of me died when I had to reject helping someone else. I felt like I was rejecting myself. Part of it was prophetic in some way that getting involved with this person would lead to death in either one of two ways. One was actual physical death. The other, the death of my personality or something like that. I don't want to say. But yeah, since then, I've taken a different path than the one that I was on before.
Kind of funny how decisions in your life do make a difference in where you'll be later on.
Part of me knows that I can't keep on living in the past. I know that I need to reconcile myself to that past and be healed in some way. Maybe I should seriously pray about this. Anyway, what I was trying to say was that I can't keep letting this part of me eat away at me. But part of me says that that's how things are. They won't change. I know that the latter is not a full truth though.
It reminds of Back to the Future where in Back to the Future part 2, Marty hears something mentioned about his future and how that event completely changed his life in the future from being someone who was going somewhere to someone who threw his life away. Someone who was going somewhere but became a loser because he chose a different path. It kind of reminds of me in some sense that this event happened to me and I changed because of it. But...I know that I could let this event control me for the rest of my life, or else I could take control of it and do something to be healed of it. I know that I can't do this by myself, but hopefully, with God's help, I will be able to.
In some sense we're not helpless, because we can turn to God who can help us through these things. I'm not saying just turn to God and all your problems will go away. I'm not saying that. It's complicated, and I don't think that I can explain it. Maybe I don't know how to fix myself. But I do know that I can just sit there and let life come at me, or get up and go to it.
Man, maybe I need to pray.
Being out of college, I've found that I've lost a lot of social skills that I once had. If you don't practice something, then it's tough to actually get good at it. In fact, you'll always be mediocre if you don't practice something. So I really didn't want to talk to people that much. So I'm saying that I'm staying mediocre because I don't want to go out there and try anymore. heh.
Maybe staying safe has been an issue for the past 4 years. I used to take chances to meet new people and talk to everyone that I could. I used to be a lot more upbeat and I was growing at that time. But since that incident 4 years ago, I felt like part of me died when I had to reject helping someone else. I felt like I was rejecting myself. Part of it was prophetic in some way that getting involved with this person would lead to death in either one of two ways. One was actual physical death. The other, the death of my personality or something like that. I don't want to say. But yeah, since then, I've taken a different path than the one that I was on before.
Kind of funny how decisions in your life do make a difference in where you'll be later on.
Part of me knows that I can't keep on living in the past. I know that I need to reconcile myself to that past and be healed in some way. Maybe I should seriously pray about this. Anyway, what I was trying to say was that I can't keep letting this part of me eat away at me. But part of me says that that's how things are. They won't change. I know that the latter is not a full truth though.
It reminds of Back to the Future where in Back to the Future part 2, Marty hears something mentioned about his future and how that event completely changed his life in the future from being someone who was going somewhere to someone who threw his life away. Someone who was going somewhere but became a loser because he chose a different path. It kind of reminds of me in some sense that this event happened to me and I changed because of it. But...I know that I could let this event control me for the rest of my life, or else I could take control of it and do something to be healed of it. I know that I can't do this by myself, but hopefully, with God's help, I will be able to.
In some sense we're not helpless, because we can turn to God who can help us through these things. I'm not saying just turn to God and all your problems will go away. I'm not saying that. It's complicated, and I don't think that I can explain it. Maybe I don't know how to fix myself. But I do know that I can just sit there and let life come at me, or get up and go to it.
Man, maybe I need to pray.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
It's kind of funny, when I got onto the blogger homepage to sign in, there were no blogs that were updated at the time that I logged in, which was just a little while ago. I guess everyone is doing something right now on a saturday afternoon.
Well, I just wanted to rephrase one line that one of my friends wrote on his blog a long time ago.
"Even if the whole world rejects me, God will still accept me."
Well, I just wanted to rephrase one line that one of my friends wrote on his blog a long time ago.
"Even if the whole world rejects me, God will still accept me."
I look at things now. I look at how things are. Reality is not kind. When will reality ever be kind to anyone? I find that there is a lot of pain and sorrow in this world, but there is hope. Someone once wrote that hope is frail and easily crushed, but hard to kill. Sometimes hope is the only thing that keeps me going. (Thank you Knight's Tale.)
I wonder exactly why God placed me on this earth sometimes. I know that everyone has a purpose here and that our purposes will be seen in knowing God and His purposes for us. But I also know that a lot of us never live out those purposes. I mean, what am I preparing for? What am I doing here?
The fellowship leaders asked us, "what is your ministry?" I don't know what my ministry is. Maybe I should pray about it. But yeah, being a Christian doesn't mean only going to church and fellowship or Bible study...it does mean reaching out to those who need Jesus. And who needs Jesus? I guess that's what I have to find out.
Anyway, I'm ranting late at night when I should be sleeping. Maybe I think too much...when I should be doing something else...
I wonder exactly why God placed me on this earth sometimes. I know that everyone has a purpose here and that our purposes will be seen in knowing God and His purposes for us. But I also know that a lot of us never live out those purposes. I mean, what am I preparing for? What am I doing here?
The fellowship leaders asked us, "what is your ministry?" I don't know what my ministry is. Maybe I should pray about it. But yeah, being a Christian doesn't mean only going to church and fellowship or Bible study...it does mean reaching out to those who need Jesus. And who needs Jesus? I guess that's what I have to find out.
Anyway, I'm ranting late at night when I should be sleeping. Maybe I think too much...when I should be doing something else...
Friday, June 23, 2006
Some things have happened in a week. I won't go through the details, but yeah, things have happened. Not too many bad things, but some good things also.
I think that things are looking up for me. Not that things are perfect, but I think that I'm content with what I have now. I'm thinking that there are some problems at work, not necessarily with me, but coworkers and other coworkers. It's kind of strange how some personalities grind against each other, and some get along fine.
I guess I can understand why each party would feel a certain way, but I really don't want to try to get in the middle of this.
Chrono Cross
I started playing through the sequel to Chrono Trigger yesterday. It's kind of like the first game. The main character doesn't speak a word. Kind of like Dragon Quest VIII. I think however that this will be a good game despite it being really easy so far. I guess only one hour into it, what can you expect?
Throw it away...keep only the stuff you want
Heh, my parents said that they want me to mark everything that I want to keep and what I would like to throw away or give away before I go to Japan. I'm not a person who goes out and buys stuff that I don't want usually. If I buy it, it means that I usually want to keep it for a long long time. I think that the only things that I would like to get rid of are my books. My Video games have a replayability to them. DVDs don't ever get old. Looking around, probably the only thing that I'd get rid of is the old clothes that I still wear. I still wear some clothes that I have worn since Jr. High school and High school. Yeah, they're still good. I don't know how people can go out and buy new clothes so often. I guess that's why I don't look good at most functions and get togethers. But that's never been a high priority for me. I only have a few good dress clothes that I wear when necessary. And even then, I don't like wearing them. Maybe that will change when I go to Japan.
I'm guessing not though. heh
Serious stuff...
Some things you kind of think won't happen to anyone you know. But yeah, some serious stuff has happened. I only heard news from someone, but hopefully my friend is alright. Anyway, being at this job, things happen. Not specifically at the job, but yeah, it's a side of society that I've been sheltered from. I've never had to worry about these types of things, but apparently a lot of people do. Makes me wonder what I'm doing trying to move up in the world. What is really important to me? And what is it that I want to do for the rest of my life? I think about some things and I can and can't picture myself doing vocational ministry. I mean, I haven't been doing any ministry right now. But who knows, we'll see where I go.
Ministry is not going to church or reaching out to the congregation. It's not building up the church so that they can get stronger for nothing. Really, for most people, ministry will be outside of the church, while few will do ministry inside. I don't think that my ministry will be inside. There are some things that I'd rather not deal with. heh. But yeah, definitely it is more exciting to go out. I'm wondering what I can do. What will I do? And will I do it? Lately this has been a no. But I'm thinking that I need to have some purpose to my life.
I guess it's true that there needs to be some output from the input in your life. Meaning that you need to apply what you learn, or else it will be lost.
I think that things are looking up for me. Not that things are perfect, but I think that I'm content with what I have now. I'm thinking that there are some problems at work, not necessarily with me, but coworkers and other coworkers. It's kind of strange how some personalities grind against each other, and some get along fine.
I guess I can understand why each party would feel a certain way, but I really don't want to try to get in the middle of this.
Chrono Cross
I started playing through the sequel to Chrono Trigger yesterday. It's kind of like the first game. The main character doesn't speak a word. Kind of like Dragon Quest VIII. I think however that this will be a good game despite it being really easy so far. I guess only one hour into it, what can you expect?
Throw it away...keep only the stuff you want
Heh, my parents said that they want me to mark everything that I want to keep and what I would like to throw away or give away before I go to Japan. I'm not a person who goes out and buys stuff that I don't want usually. If I buy it, it means that I usually want to keep it for a long long time. I think that the only things that I would like to get rid of are my books. My Video games have a replayability to them. DVDs don't ever get old. Looking around, probably the only thing that I'd get rid of is the old clothes that I still wear. I still wear some clothes that I have worn since Jr. High school and High school. Yeah, they're still good. I don't know how people can go out and buy new clothes so often. I guess that's why I don't look good at most functions and get togethers. But that's never been a high priority for me. I only have a few good dress clothes that I wear when necessary. And even then, I don't like wearing them. Maybe that will change when I go to Japan.
I'm guessing not though. heh
Serious stuff...
Some things you kind of think won't happen to anyone you know. But yeah, some serious stuff has happened. I only heard news from someone, but hopefully my friend is alright. Anyway, being at this job, things happen. Not specifically at the job, but yeah, it's a side of society that I've been sheltered from. I've never had to worry about these types of things, but apparently a lot of people do. Makes me wonder what I'm doing trying to move up in the world. What is really important to me? And what is it that I want to do for the rest of my life? I think about some things and I can and can't picture myself doing vocational ministry. I mean, I haven't been doing any ministry right now. But who knows, we'll see where I go.
Ministry is not going to church or reaching out to the congregation. It's not building up the church so that they can get stronger for nothing. Really, for most people, ministry will be outside of the church, while few will do ministry inside. I don't think that my ministry will be inside. There are some things that I'd rather not deal with. heh. But yeah, definitely it is more exciting to go out. I'm wondering what I can do. What will I do? And will I do it? Lately this has been a no. But I'm thinking that I need to have some purpose to my life.
I guess it's true that there needs to be some output from the input in your life. Meaning that you need to apply what you learn, or else it will be lost.
Friday, June 16, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Here I am...
What I heard from some people is that you can't make things happen all at once. It may take years for it to happen. But you've got to prepare for it or else it won't. With my new teaching job coming up, people asked me how I'm preparing for it. "I'm not," I said into my chest. Yeah...I guess I should prepare before it's too late.
Initiative has never been my strong point. I guess I can say that it's been like this for awhile, but maybe it's been like this because I don't think ahead unless I really think ahead. I can't keep living like a kid anymore.
It's always been like this. I mention something that I'm going to do and I never get around to it. do I only do what I want to do and not what I need to? Well, typing this won't do anything. I guess I should make some plans.
What I heard from some people is that you can't make things happen all at once. It may take years for it to happen. But you've got to prepare for it or else it won't. With my new teaching job coming up, people asked me how I'm preparing for it. "I'm not," I said into my chest. Yeah...I guess I should prepare before it's too late.
Initiative has never been my strong point. I guess I can say that it's been like this for awhile, but maybe it's been like this because I don't think ahead unless I really think ahead. I can't keep living like a kid anymore.
It's always been like this. I mention something that I'm going to do and I never get around to it. do I only do what I want to do and not what I need to? Well, typing this won't do anything. I guess I should make some plans.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
So I check the answering machine today because my dad left me a note. Apparently I missed my appointment yesterday. I called in today for another appointment and they were happy to schedule me one, but I have to pay a $40 surcharge for missing my appointment. I'm glad that they don't charge me the full $100 for missing it. Hopefully I don't have to.
Never schedule an appointment on Monday. They always call on Friday and I didn't get the message on the machine. So tough luck for me. But I'm thankful that I still have another appointment scheduled.
Well, maybe this was an answer to my prayer to be more responsible. I think that I mentioned that to God, but I'm not sure. Well, this is a sign for me to use my PDA. Yup...
Never schedule an appointment on Monday. They always call on Friday and I didn't get the message on the machine. So tough luck for me. But I'm thankful that I still have another appointment scheduled.
Well, maybe this was an answer to my prayer to be more responsible. I think that I mentioned that to God, but I'm not sure. Well, this is a sign for me to use my PDA. Yup...
Monday, June 12, 2006
Magna Carta: Tears of Blood
I've logged 70 hours into it already. I played 4 more today. I must say that if you can get past the same lines that they repeat over and over and over again in battle and also stand the battle system, then you might make it through the game.
I really don't like the battle system, because it's kind of slow and boring. You attack with one character at a time which the computer also attacks with one character at a time. It's not fast paced at all. The only thing that you have to watch out for is moving your low on life character out of the line of fire soon enough and letting the other characters take hits.
For those of you who have trouble keeping time with your fingers, then this game may not be the game for you. You get penalized if you miss a rhythm beat out of 3 altogether button presses per attack. What happens is that your leadership bar goes down as if you attacked and you have to wait for it to fill up again. The leadership bar has notches for each character when they can attack. If it doesn't reach that point of the notch for the character, then they can't do anything but move. It was fun at first, but 70 hours later, I'm getting tired of it.
The only strength of the game is the story. It has a great story about revenge, disappointment, reconciliation in the past and present and about losing loved ones. It really is a great story which can only be told in the length of a video game or book. The voice acting is pretty good for the main characters. Some of the minor characters have weak voice acting, but they are few. Even the peons have good voice actors.
Overall this game should be played for the story and not so much the gameplay mechanics. However, it might be tougher for those who have trouble keeping time, but this game might have been geared towards people who have little experience with this. Interesting game though. This is just a few things that I covered in this game. There are a few more things like combining elements for different item uses or getting a boost by getting a good fortune or fighting worse by getting a bad fortune, but they are mainly minor. Overall those with the patience to play this game will be rewarded and maybe tortured at the same time. I'm finding that I've been playing several games at once, because I've played too many rpgs and get bored really easily by the repetitiveness of each one. The worst thing to do is waste too much time on video games if you have stuff to do. Yeah, maybe I should study Japanese.
I've logged 70 hours into it already. I played 4 more today. I must say that if you can get past the same lines that they repeat over and over and over again in battle and also stand the battle system, then you might make it through the game.
I really don't like the battle system, because it's kind of slow and boring. You attack with one character at a time which the computer also attacks with one character at a time. It's not fast paced at all. The only thing that you have to watch out for is moving your low on life character out of the line of fire soon enough and letting the other characters take hits.
For those of you who have trouble keeping time with your fingers, then this game may not be the game for you. You get penalized if you miss a rhythm beat out of 3 altogether button presses per attack. What happens is that your leadership bar goes down as if you attacked and you have to wait for it to fill up again. The leadership bar has notches for each character when they can attack. If it doesn't reach that point of the notch for the character, then they can't do anything but move. It was fun at first, but 70 hours later, I'm getting tired of it.
The only strength of the game is the story. It has a great story about revenge, disappointment, reconciliation in the past and present and about losing loved ones. It really is a great story which can only be told in the length of a video game or book. The voice acting is pretty good for the main characters. Some of the minor characters have weak voice acting, but they are few. Even the peons have good voice actors.
Overall this game should be played for the story and not so much the gameplay mechanics. However, it might be tougher for those who have trouble keeping time, but this game might have been geared towards people who have little experience with this. Interesting game though. This is just a few things that I covered in this game. There are a few more things like combining elements for different item uses or getting a boost by getting a good fortune or fighting worse by getting a bad fortune, but they are mainly minor. Overall those with the patience to play this game will be rewarded and maybe tortured at the same time. I'm finding that I've been playing several games at once, because I've played too many rpgs and get bored really easily by the repetitiveness of each one. The worst thing to do is waste too much time on video games if you have stuff to do. Yeah, maybe I should study Japanese.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
A New Life begins
Went to a wedding today. Good stuff. I was touched by the ceremony. I think that they will do well in their new life together because they have a great love for God first and they have a great love for themselves and their spouse.
I arrived there 15 minutes early. I was expecting a packed house, so I didn't want to worry about parking. I got there and noticed some people that I knew. They were pretty far away, but yeah, couldn't talk to them. I reached the table to sign the wedding book and someone greeted me. "Hi," I said unenthusiatically. I really wasn't sure how to respond. I'm so used to being unenthusiastic from working in the world. Someone else greeted me and I warmed up. I felt bad a little bit later at how uncaring that I greeted my friend from college.
To be honest, I wasn't sure about coming to the wedding. I wasn't sure how I'd be received. I wanted to be a blessing to my friends getting married, but I felt far from that. To me, I really don't see why people invite me or even care about me. Part of me feels like I don't belong anyplace. Part of me feels like I should be on the streets because of all the wrong that I've done. Maybe I should...but I was forgiven and I can't turn back now.
Going into the sanctuary, I didn't see anybody that I knew sitting in any of the pews. I saw some of the people that I knew ready to play music, but I couldn't sit by them. So I chose a corner of the room where there were some people. I was determined to sit in a couple pews in front of them, because I would feel akward sitting next to them or even behind them.
Someone greeted me again. So I had someone to sit by. Then one of my other friends from college sat by me. I wasn't alone as I was expecting to be. Alone and by myself in a crowd of people, I was and was not.
The ceremony started and it was beautiful. The bride and groom couldn't have prepared a better wedding. It was really good. It was amazing to see how the words spoken about each of them got right to the core of who they both are. They are great people and I know that they will have a wonderful life together.
After the ceremony ended, I saw some old faces that I haven't seen for awhile. All from college. Some people are getting together with others that they've met in their new places. I felt like I was reliving part of college again.
Anyway, I won't describe more what happened at the event. I will however describe some of my own thoughts about my own life.
I was really glad to go to this wedding today. It was a reminder of the changes that I'm seeing in people's lives. All of them are still the same people, but they are different in a way from how they were before. They seem like they're making positive steps in their lives. I'm sure that they are. Sometimes I wonder how much we all have changed. I don't keep too many records of the past, only in my memory do I relive some moments. (Maybe I should...keep more records.) Anyway, it got me thinking about my own personal life.
Someone said something today about the wedding. I don't know why I said this, or how this came up, but I told them that I didn't think that I would get married. I mean, I believe that I will, but it seems so unlikely. Why? I am not there yet. I can barely care for myself much less another person.
Part of me asks, "Where is the love in your life?" I'm not talking about a girlfriend, what I'm talking about is where is the love that you have for God, yourself, and others? How are you showing that? Why aren't you showing that? And how can you show that? I have a lot of work to do in my own life. I saw that in the failures I did today. I saw that in all my mistakes.
But, I know that God is good. Even if I do go unmarried for the rest of my life. I ask myself, where am I going? What do I want to do with my life? I don't know anymore. I have a thought that if I'm not doing the right thing now, then how can I expect to do that later.
I guess the next step for me would be to make it to church tomorrow.
Went to a wedding today. Good stuff. I was touched by the ceremony. I think that they will do well in their new life together because they have a great love for God first and they have a great love for themselves and their spouse.
I arrived there 15 minutes early. I was expecting a packed house, so I didn't want to worry about parking. I got there and noticed some people that I knew. They were pretty far away, but yeah, couldn't talk to them. I reached the table to sign the wedding book and someone greeted me. "Hi," I said unenthusiatically. I really wasn't sure how to respond. I'm so used to being unenthusiastic from working in the world. Someone else greeted me and I warmed up. I felt bad a little bit later at how uncaring that I greeted my friend from college.
To be honest, I wasn't sure about coming to the wedding. I wasn't sure how I'd be received. I wanted to be a blessing to my friends getting married, but I felt far from that. To me, I really don't see why people invite me or even care about me. Part of me feels like I don't belong anyplace. Part of me feels like I should be on the streets because of all the wrong that I've done. Maybe I should...but I was forgiven and I can't turn back now.
Going into the sanctuary, I didn't see anybody that I knew sitting in any of the pews. I saw some of the people that I knew ready to play music, but I couldn't sit by them. So I chose a corner of the room where there were some people. I was determined to sit in a couple pews in front of them, because I would feel akward sitting next to them or even behind them.
Someone greeted me again. So I had someone to sit by. Then one of my other friends from college sat by me. I wasn't alone as I was expecting to be. Alone and by myself in a crowd of people, I was and was not.
The ceremony started and it was beautiful. The bride and groom couldn't have prepared a better wedding. It was really good. It was amazing to see how the words spoken about each of them got right to the core of who they both are. They are great people and I know that they will have a wonderful life together.
After the ceremony ended, I saw some old faces that I haven't seen for awhile. All from college. Some people are getting together with others that they've met in their new places. I felt like I was reliving part of college again.
Anyway, I won't describe more what happened at the event. I will however describe some of my own thoughts about my own life.
I was really glad to go to this wedding today. It was a reminder of the changes that I'm seeing in people's lives. All of them are still the same people, but they are different in a way from how they were before. They seem like they're making positive steps in their lives. I'm sure that they are. Sometimes I wonder how much we all have changed. I don't keep too many records of the past, only in my memory do I relive some moments. (Maybe I should...keep more records.) Anyway, it got me thinking about my own personal life.
Someone said something today about the wedding. I don't know why I said this, or how this came up, but I told them that I didn't think that I would get married. I mean, I believe that I will, but it seems so unlikely. Why? I am not there yet. I can barely care for myself much less another person.
Part of me asks, "Where is the love in your life?" I'm not talking about a girlfriend, what I'm talking about is where is the love that you have for God, yourself, and others? How are you showing that? Why aren't you showing that? And how can you show that? I have a lot of work to do in my own life. I saw that in the failures I did today. I saw that in all my mistakes.
But, I know that God is good. Even if I do go unmarried for the rest of my life. I ask myself, where am I going? What do I want to do with my life? I don't know anymore. I have a thought that if I'm not doing the right thing now, then how can I expect to do that later.
I guess the next step for me would be to make it to church tomorrow.
Friday, June 09, 2006
At work today, they announced that they were looking for managers. Some of my coworkers got some applications to apply. I didn't, because I have an idea of the crap that they receive from the upper mangament when things don't turn out as well as they'd like it to. But still, it is a great place to do a part time job and go to school.
I kind of wonder what will happen to these guys that I'm working with. Someone once said that he thinks that we are our brother's keeper. We are responsible for other people out there. Not saying that we can change people or take responsibility for them, but saying that sometimes we can do some good in their lives.
With all my failures this past year at my job, I see that I still fail daily. "What am I doing wrong?" I wonder. I think that the stress of this job gets to me and I can't deal with it in a good way that I tend to feel that it's the other's person's fault. Just bad attitudes I have and complaints that I say sometimes cause me to feel that I fail in my witness. And I do. It was only when I started this job that I started to do this. I wonder if the environments are the same everywhere I go. I got a picture of how a lot of the rest of society lives. I never really knew that many people in high school, but I heard some things at my workplace that really made me see that that's why my parents didn't want me hanging out with the wrong people.
Anyway, we're supposed to be light in the darkness and salt. We're supposed to bring Jesus to people who don't know Him. And I feel that I have not been that good of a witness.
I know that this does not come overnight. It takes quite a bit of constant effort and intention. I guess like everything, it's a struggle to overcome something. And even when we overcome it once, we need to keep wrestling so that we can overcome even harder times.
"Israel" means "Wrestles with God." To me it's a great picture of how God makes us stronger by wrestling with us, His people. I still don't understand all of the meaning of that name, but I feel that if I just sit down and not get back into the game, then how will I get stronger? I guess I've got to keep trying. Failing once does not mean that you are a failure. Even failing a thousand times does not mean that. It only becomes true when you give up. Tenacity is the key. But don't get wrong, you need to see what you're doing wrong and correct it.
In my wrestling with God, I'm finding that He's stronger than I can imagine, but He wrestles me at a strength level only a little stronger than I'm able to handle right now. I guess I wouldn't be ready if He upped the level. To some people He does really up the level. But I've seen that those who persevere in their struggles to become better people are much stronger people altogether. I really think that God has great plans for all of us. Even if we face failures, or defeats, there is something better out there.
But one thing is clear, if we wrestle with God, we need to depend on Him the most.
Back to my job situation, I guess I shouldn't give up. I know what I need to do.
I kind of wonder what will happen to these guys that I'm working with. Someone once said that he thinks that we are our brother's keeper. We are responsible for other people out there. Not saying that we can change people or take responsibility for them, but saying that sometimes we can do some good in their lives.
With all my failures this past year at my job, I see that I still fail daily. "What am I doing wrong?" I wonder. I think that the stress of this job gets to me and I can't deal with it in a good way that I tend to feel that it's the other's person's fault. Just bad attitudes I have and complaints that I say sometimes cause me to feel that I fail in my witness. And I do. It was only when I started this job that I started to do this. I wonder if the environments are the same everywhere I go. I got a picture of how a lot of the rest of society lives. I never really knew that many people in high school, but I heard some things at my workplace that really made me see that that's why my parents didn't want me hanging out with the wrong people.
Anyway, we're supposed to be light in the darkness and salt. We're supposed to bring Jesus to people who don't know Him. And I feel that I have not been that good of a witness.
I know that this does not come overnight. It takes quite a bit of constant effort and intention. I guess like everything, it's a struggle to overcome something. And even when we overcome it once, we need to keep wrestling so that we can overcome even harder times.
"Israel" means "Wrestles with God." To me it's a great picture of how God makes us stronger by wrestling with us, His people. I still don't understand all of the meaning of that name, but I feel that if I just sit down and not get back into the game, then how will I get stronger? I guess I've got to keep trying. Failing once does not mean that you are a failure. Even failing a thousand times does not mean that. It only becomes true when you give up. Tenacity is the key. But don't get wrong, you need to see what you're doing wrong and correct it.
In my wrestling with God, I'm finding that He's stronger than I can imagine, but He wrestles me at a strength level only a little stronger than I'm able to handle right now. I guess I wouldn't be ready if He upped the level. To some people He does really up the level. But I've seen that those who persevere in their struggles to become better people are much stronger people altogether. I really think that God has great plans for all of us. Even if we face failures, or defeats, there is something better out there.
But one thing is clear, if we wrestle with God, we need to depend on Him the most.
Back to my job situation, I guess I shouldn't give up. I know what I need to do.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Something came to mind recently. I was thinking, "what do I want in my life?" What is it that I want in my life? For the past year, it seemed like I was doing what I normally did, or was expected to do. It's not a bad thing, but I'm thinking...is this all there is? Hmm....
I know what not to do. And seeing some of my coworkers' lives, I see that they are living it up because they do not have a reason to live past death. I really don't know how to tell them about Jesus. It seems like all my attempts (which are few) have been thwarted or met with disinterest and the topic completely changed to something else. Maybe they're not ready.
I look at my life and I see that I myself am not living up to my full potential. I mean, how many of us are? I see a few people doing that, but man, what the heck are the rest of us doing? Don't get me wrong. Life is hard and will be met with a lot of disappointments. I think that the reason why some people do a whole lot better is that they know how to bounce back from the disappointments and hardships. They don't let something get them down and they get up and get right back to it. Tenacity is something that I used to have more of when I was younger. But I think age has helped me to be content with not getting everything that I want. Not saying I give up all the time, but saying that I'm not trying to be number one anymore. Is that a bad thing?
I kind of wonder, what the heck am I doing here? What am I doing on earth? What reason do I have here? When I was college, I thought about getting a job that would help people instead of getting a job that earned lots of money. My dream was to change people's lives for the better. But then I saw reality. There are so many messed up people in this world because of sin. It tears people apart and if you fall into it, then your life will go downhill. Mine did at one point before I knew Jesus. Even though I know Jesus now, I know that sin could still tear me apart if I'm not careful. How do you bring hope to people's lives? I think the answer is found in God. But how do you build relationships with people who may not want help or want to get better? How do you care for people who do not care for themselves? (I guess I'm going to extremes.) But how can anyone share Jesus with someone who does not want to know or is not interested in God.
I think the answer is found in friendships with others and the witness of your own personal life. If you are following the Bible and have a vibrant relationship with God, then I think that people will see that in you and could ask questions about why you are a certain way.
When I look at my own life, I think...man, why would anyone want to be like me? I failed in so many areas of my life. But I know that life does not end with one failure or two or even how many infinite failures I might have. I've let one failure dictate a lot of my life these past 4 years. I think that it's time to get up and get bruised again. What I mean by that is that I am going to fail again and again and again. But I can't let that take control of me. I can't let that tell me who I am.
I've said this before time and time again. Do I really want this? Or is this just talk? I guess it depends on what I'm willing to do. I still wonder...what am I doing here?
Hmm...I need to take my faith more seriously. Someone told me recently that when I go away, "what I put in is what I will get out of it." I guess that's true with anything, except relationships, in my opinion. Sometimes people will not respond. We could invest a lot in someone and receive nothing. I believe that people are free to choose their own way in life. If I invest in someone and they choose to go another way, then that's fine. I know that that's not fine for a lot of people. But, really, relationships are not fair. More true for guys because guys think that if they invest in a girl then the girl owes them something. In reality, the girl owes the guy nothing. I've learned that a lot of girls know that guys expect something back, so they don't accept stuff from guys. Which is a safe thing to do. I think that that's wise.
Anyway, why the heck am I wondering about life right now...Got to get going.
I know what not to do. And seeing some of my coworkers' lives, I see that they are living it up because they do not have a reason to live past death. I really don't know how to tell them about Jesus. It seems like all my attempts (which are few) have been thwarted or met with disinterest and the topic completely changed to something else. Maybe they're not ready.
I look at my life and I see that I myself am not living up to my full potential. I mean, how many of us are? I see a few people doing that, but man, what the heck are the rest of us doing? Don't get me wrong. Life is hard and will be met with a lot of disappointments. I think that the reason why some people do a whole lot better is that they know how to bounce back from the disappointments and hardships. They don't let something get them down and they get up and get right back to it. Tenacity is something that I used to have more of when I was younger. But I think age has helped me to be content with not getting everything that I want. Not saying I give up all the time, but saying that I'm not trying to be number one anymore. Is that a bad thing?
I kind of wonder, what the heck am I doing here? What am I doing on earth? What reason do I have here? When I was college, I thought about getting a job that would help people instead of getting a job that earned lots of money. My dream was to change people's lives for the better. But then I saw reality. There are so many messed up people in this world because of sin. It tears people apart and if you fall into it, then your life will go downhill. Mine did at one point before I knew Jesus. Even though I know Jesus now, I know that sin could still tear me apart if I'm not careful. How do you bring hope to people's lives? I think the answer is found in God. But how do you build relationships with people who may not want help or want to get better? How do you care for people who do not care for themselves? (I guess I'm going to extremes.) But how can anyone share Jesus with someone who does not want to know or is not interested in God.
I think the answer is found in friendships with others and the witness of your own personal life. If you are following the Bible and have a vibrant relationship with God, then I think that people will see that in you and could ask questions about why you are a certain way.
When I look at my own life, I think...man, why would anyone want to be like me? I failed in so many areas of my life. But I know that life does not end with one failure or two or even how many infinite failures I might have. I've let one failure dictate a lot of my life these past 4 years. I think that it's time to get up and get bruised again. What I mean by that is that I am going to fail again and again and again. But I can't let that take control of me. I can't let that tell me who I am.
I've said this before time and time again. Do I really want this? Or is this just talk? I guess it depends on what I'm willing to do. I still wonder...what am I doing here?
Hmm...I need to take my faith more seriously. Someone told me recently that when I go away, "what I put in is what I will get out of it." I guess that's true with anything, except relationships, in my opinion. Sometimes people will not respond. We could invest a lot in someone and receive nothing. I believe that people are free to choose their own way in life. If I invest in someone and they choose to go another way, then that's fine. I know that that's not fine for a lot of people. But, really, relationships are not fair. More true for guys because guys think that if they invest in a girl then the girl owes them something. In reality, the girl owes the guy nothing. I've learned that a lot of girls know that guys expect something back, so they don't accept stuff from guys. Which is a safe thing to do. I think that that's wise.
Anyway, why the heck am I wondering about life right now...Got to get going.
Monday, June 05, 2006
I don't know why I'm posting this, but I felt that I should post this for some reason. To be honest, I'd rather be sleeping right now. But here it goes...
God will judge the world someday. But that does not mean that He does not love the world. He loves everyone in this world and yet when they do wrong, it breaks his heart. God does not look down upon people, His heart breaks when people choose to do wrong.
For God, it seems like there are consequences for every action that we make. God gives us time to repent of our sins, until the day He comes back. Repent means turning away from something and staying away from it or not doing it anymore.
Anyway, I don't know why I even wrote all that. It's short, but maybe someone can use it. Hopefully they'll use it for good. Anyway, God's anger is not like man's anger. God's anger is meant to correct and rebuke. While man's anger is just like something waiting to explode. As so I heard from one retired pastor.
[Edit] I ended too soon I guess. What I wanted to end with is that God is this way because God is love. He wants the best for each and every person. But He leaves a lot of us to help each other to do His will. If we are the body...then why aren't His arms reaching. Why aren't His hands healing? Why aren't His words teaching? Really, we have things to do. But we must follow Him.
God will judge the world someday. But that does not mean that He does not love the world. He loves everyone in this world and yet when they do wrong, it breaks his heart. God does not look down upon people, His heart breaks when people choose to do wrong.
For God, it seems like there are consequences for every action that we make. God gives us time to repent of our sins, until the day He comes back. Repent means turning away from something and staying away from it or not doing it anymore.
Anyway, I don't know why I even wrote all that. It's short, but maybe someone can use it. Hopefully they'll use it for good. Anyway, God's anger is not like man's anger. God's anger is meant to correct and rebuke. While man's anger is just like something waiting to explode. As so I heard from one retired pastor.
[Edit] I ended too soon I guess. What I wanted to end with is that God is this way because God is love. He wants the best for each and every person. But He leaves a lot of us to help each other to do His will. If we are the body...then why aren't His arms reaching. Why aren't His hands healing? Why aren't His words teaching? Really, we have things to do. But we must follow Him.
Friday, June 02, 2006
I am ready to leave my job. I feel like I can't stand it anymore. But I need to stay here a little bit longer because I need to earn money. I don't know anymore why God placed me there. Maybe I need to pray more for my workplace. Maybe I need to pray more about being a better witness there. Maybe I need to pray about getting enough sleep so that I can be a better witness.
Anyway, my one year mark is up and I'm ready to leave. I don't know anymore exactly what God wants me to do. I feel like I'm wandering. I'm not sure I want to pray for direction, because if I do and get a direction, I'm not sure if I would take it. I kind of want to go my own way right now.
But then I think about how much better God's way is. He sees further ahead than I do or anybody else. If I go with this new job, which I already accepted, will I do worse in the future? Maybe...It might still be a good thing, but not as great. I kind of wonder if I should stay at my old job for another year. I don't know anymore.
I feel that I should take this new job, because it would be a good thing for me to go out on my own. It would be a good thing for me to learn how to take care of myself. The only thing is, will I? Will I take care of myself and will I watch out for myself? I think that I would, but I kind of worry that I might be irresponsible if I were to go out on my own. I mean, here, I'm not very responsible with my time. What makes me think that I'll be responsible over there? There are a few things that I'm concerned about. But I think that things will be alright.
When I think about it, am I really doing well here? Would I do better somewhere else? I guess there's lots of what ifs. One person that I talked to told me that if I have a dependence on God and a good common sense to do what's right, then I should be alright. Maybe that'll be all I need. It will be a challenge, but I think that this new job will test my faith even more. I wonder...what is in store for me?
I have a feeling that I should go to Japan, because it'll be a good experience for me. I feel that this is something that God has placed before me. I feel that I should go. But then there's doubts. I wonder if God wants me to stay here. But then I think, why? What purpose would He have for me here? I guess I'll never know the future. But I feel that for my personal growth, I should go.
I have doubts about fitting into Japanese society. I am very American in my mind. I am not clear cut like a Japanese person. It's much stricter over there. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. But maybe it'll be like a boot camp for me. Hopefully I'll be able to pick myself up. That, or hopefully someone else will help me a little bit.
Well, what to say. I'll probably only get one shot at this. I don't think that I'll work in Japan after this. But I'm going for an experience. I really don't know what to say. Where will God place me? Will it work out? Or will it be very tough? Maybe both...
Anyway, my one year mark is up and I'm ready to leave. I don't know anymore exactly what God wants me to do. I feel like I'm wandering. I'm not sure I want to pray for direction, because if I do and get a direction, I'm not sure if I would take it. I kind of want to go my own way right now.
But then I think about how much better God's way is. He sees further ahead than I do or anybody else. If I go with this new job, which I already accepted, will I do worse in the future? Maybe...It might still be a good thing, but not as great. I kind of wonder if I should stay at my old job for another year. I don't know anymore.
I feel that I should take this new job, because it would be a good thing for me to go out on my own. It would be a good thing for me to learn how to take care of myself. The only thing is, will I? Will I take care of myself and will I watch out for myself? I think that I would, but I kind of worry that I might be irresponsible if I were to go out on my own. I mean, here, I'm not very responsible with my time. What makes me think that I'll be responsible over there? There are a few things that I'm concerned about. But I think that things will be alright.
When I think about it, am I really doing well here? Would I do better somewhere else? I guess there's lots of what ifs. One person that I talked to told me that if I have a dependence on God and a good common sense to do what's right, then I should be alright. Maybe that'll be all I need. It will be a challenge, but I think that this new job will test my faith even more. I wonder...what is in store for me?
I have a feeling that I should go to Japan, because it'll be a good experience for me. I feel that this is something that God has placed before me. I feel that I should go. But then there's doubts. I wonder if God wants me to stay here. But then I think, why? What purpose would He have for me here? I guess I'll never know the future. But I feel that for my personal growth, I should go.
I have doubts about fitting into Japanese society. I am very American in my mind. I am not clear cut like a Japanese person. It's much stricter over there. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it. But maybe it'll be like a boot camp for me. Hopefully I'll be able to pick myself up. That, or hopefully someone else will help me a little bit.
Well, what to say. I'll probably only get one shot at this. I don't think that I'll work in Japan after this. But I'm going for an experience. I really don't know what to say. Where will God place me? Will it work out? Or will it be very tough? Maybe both...
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