My conversation partner's thinking surprised me. He is from Japan and told me that he could not afford to make friends with his classmates, because they all have broken English and it's not good for his practice.

I was surprised, because I think that he must be very lonely. I can sort of understand how much he wants to learn English, but to the extent that you don't have any friends is beyond me.

Anyway, he's a good guy. The highlight of our conversation was about stereotypes. He told me that he doesn't want me to judge Japanese people as a certain way because of how he acts, and likewise he told me the same about Americans with me. We're all human and not perfect. This was unexpected, and I'm pleased to know this guy.

It just reminded me that until you get to know someone personally, you will not see why they are the way they are. Their good points, their bad points, their uniqueness.

This Messed Up World

I saw "City of God" last night. Man, were there some things messed up in this world. Basically the movie was about people from this slum in Rio de Janeiro (spelling?). People living in poverty tried to make life better by taking up crime and selling drugs. It kept on spreading to the next generation to the next. It showed three generations of thugs. Plus corrupt policemen.

I was shocked throughout the whole movie. I've never been exposed to how tough life is in poverty and the things people do in the rest of the world. It shows me just how much kids take in at an early age and what they could become.

I thought the movie was good though. Good camera work, good plotline, characters that were interesting. It was based on real life events, but it angered and shocked the heck out of me. This is a fallen world. And I need to do something to make this place better.

Here in the US

I keep thinking that the American dream is overrated. To make money and live a comfortable life in suburbia with 2 kids. I think that there's nothing wrong with this. However, for me, I don't want to live my life and find that I have missed out on some of the greatest opportunities there are. I'm finding that I am missing out on a lot.

I stepped out for a bit

I ended up not going to my friend's going away party. I felt like I just want to stay home and be a lamer. Anyway, he is going to seminary and will likely become a pastor or something. He was our middle school leader, and I think that he did a good job.

He's one of the few people at church that I do talk to. I know that I missed out on some good things today, but I felt like I need some time to just think.

About dreams turning to dust

About that last post, the song mainly says that God understands what you're going through, and that He wants you to rely on Him. It talks about taking His hand, and walking where He leads. Keeping your eyes on Him alone. And not saying that the days were better when we didn't know Him. I have strayed away from Him for a little bit, but the turn of events have seemed to have turned me back to Him.

Anyway, I'm doing alright. I've seen that things don't turn out the way you want them to all the time, but life has its ups and downs. I've been through a lot, but life has become better since I came to know Him and get involved with a church.

When dreams turn to dust...

That's the second line of a song called "Take My Hand and Walk Where I Lead." I heard it on the car on the way back from the art fair.

I mentioned before that I was trying to let go of something, and I'm slowly being helped on that. Dreams. I have some dreams and goals, but some of them seem unlikely.

Dreams turn to dust, and some dreams never come to reality. But hey, that's life. It was only a dream, and now I have to move on with my life and make new ones.

I wasn't too happy about it, but I know that I'm making the right decision.
As of right now, I know what I need to do, and what I need to let go of.

Rebuilding and rethinking

I think that some parts of my life need to change, some things need to be broken, and some things need to be rebuilt. Most likely, that will happen with a lot of hard work, and pushing dreams aside for now.

Ouch, Painful!!!

Those of you who know what I'm talking about will get the jist. heh. GC man, GC. heh. Yeah, if you're a woman, I'm sure that you wouldn't have found that funny, because the movie that was made was some guy humor.

heh. But yeah, kind of taking a twist. Through the painful times, I've grown the most and have turned to God the most. Other believers have helped me on the way. A few key people here and there. But most of the time, it has not been through one person, but many different people. The people that helped me the most were at, of course, AACF. Hence the title from a movie made my CA and GC.

The end line of that movie was, "Want to meet nice people? Come to AACF" Of course the movie was taken out, but yeah, the last line was true for me. I'll bet you can get the jist of what happened in the movie, but yeah, you have to see it to understand. I won't post it though.

(Deleted) I figure that I'm not one to teach others. On the net, there's no follow up. I can't teach other people how to live for God. From now on, I'm going to try to refrain from teaching unless I feel that I should really say something. I'll try to state my opinions instead.

Back to pain...pain is something that can be used for good. It can help us to understand what another person feels (empathy). It can help us to put ourselves in another person's place (sympathy). Remembering Hebrews (the book in the new testament), we have a great priest who can sympathize with our weakness.

It's never fun, but I feel that it's necessary to become a mature and a well rounded person. However, don't take all my statements one way, because there is bad pain too.

If someone's beating you up, or doing bad things to you, then you should find help from maybe the police or someone. There is a difference between good and evil.

Always remember that you can't take statements all just one way. You have to think for yourself as to what is right and what is wrong. Just because someone says something, doesn't make it true. And it's good to question things to get clarity or find a deeper truth. But, think for yourself.

Einstein flunked math in his elementary school years. He would always ask "why" this, or "why is it this way?" His questioning brought him to a greater understanding.

A friend told me that she doesn't think that we're supposed to accept things as unknown all the time when it comes to faith. I believe that she is partially correct, yet I still believe that there are some things that God intentionally leaves us guessing at because it's not stated in the Bible.

What about infants who die and never hear the gospel? What about people who have never heard about Jesus? In the "Faith" portion of Philip Yancey's book, "Reaching for the Invisible God" he kind of addresses this.

He mentioned, "if God said that all infants under a certain age would go to heaven, couldn't you imagine the crusaders killing all the infants until there would be nobody left?" (paraphrased). I think that God leaves us with some unknown questions, but still, I don't think that we should leave it at that and be ignoranant and not think about some things like this. (The last sentence paraphrases what my friend was saying.) How then should we think of the answers.

Unfulfilled
A month has passed by, and I find myself in no better position than I was a month before.

Goal: Tomorrow, I'm going to study Japanese, journal, and read up on where to find tools to teach ESL.

All in!

We played poker tonight. $5 buy in, Texas Hold 'em. Winner got $25. 2nd got $15. 3rd got $5. I got fourth. heh. It was cool. I just played for fun. I don't play necessarily to win money. But still, man, $25... Anyway, it was fun. I raised on almost all the hands, and won most of them. But I went in on a hand that I shouldn't have went all in on a flush draw when I had the lowest possible card, a 2 of diamonds. I don't know what I was thinking. Anyway, that's not what took me out.

Anyway, we hung out a C's place and played until 12am. M L won, St got second, and M, J's boyfriend got 3rd.

I got one good hand though. I went in on some bad cards and ended up getting a straight. M, J's boyfriend had a 3 of a kind, so he went all in, and I called him on it. He could have taken me out on another hand, but didn't go in. S T won that hand, but he got out before me. J's boyfriend did pretty good, bidding his hands wisely.

The most crazy hand of the night was when the 3 left all had high cards. Pocket Jacks, Ace 10, and Pocket Queens. Everyone went all in. Needless to say the Pocket Queens won. The only downfall was that he didn't have that much money, so he tripled his money, but still came in third. J's boyfriend. He's not too bad.

I got taken out by the M L when he had pocket 10s and I had a Queen 4 (I think). No queen came up, so I lost.

But it was good. And I'm glad that Mel could get some money. He's pretty good at calculating his chances. I on the other hand, don't really care, so I play almost every hand. heh. Only if I think that I'll lose, with crappy cards, then I think that I'll stay out. So I do care, but try not to care.

Good fun. Makes me never want to go to Vegas, because I know that I'll do good, and lose everything I have later.

A Special day

One of my friends became as old as me today.  It was a good day.  A celebration of his coming into this world (as one of my friends put it for my birthday.)  It was a really good celebration, as a lot of people came out and congratuated him on turning a year older. 

We went to Claim Jumper.  The food was okay.  I should have gotten the chicken fried steak.  They gave M a lot!  Man, the meatloaf was okay.  I think that I prefer the chicken fried steak. 

The waiter asked C if it was his birthday today.  He pointed to the guy next to him trying to pass it along.  At the end, the waiter brought out some ice cream and cookies for him with one candle in it.  I sang to C and he said that he'd stab me with the spoon for some reason.  Maybe he was embarrassed. 

For some reason he didn't seem all that happy today.  I don't know why.  But I respect him, and a lot of other people that came tonight.  Granted there are other people that I respect that didn't come, but yeah, I respect my friend a lot, because he treats people really well. 

One of my friends, a different guy, is kind of shy.  If you talk with him one on one, then it's no problem.  But in groups he has trouble.  At senior sendoff, I joined in my shy friend, and my friend that I respect a lot in a conversation.  It was small talk, but it just showed me that he really cared for my shy friend. 

Sorry guys, I believe in not telling too much information and I am being redundant.  But, this community that I've been in has been really great.  I don't deserve to be with such great people, but hope is that I will help someone else, as my friends have helped me and help other people.  

Working on...

Working on getting a job, myself, friendships has been getting a little better.  I'm going to see a temp agency soon.  I will be seeing if they can hook me up with a job that pays a little better than the one that I'm in now.  I was offered one for Tuesday, but I could not take it because I didn't give my bosses enough warning.  Really, I need to give them some time to hire someone else. 

But things have beeng getting better.  I'm currently trying to let go of something, and I think that it's working. 

Matthew 6:33-34  can be found here.   I tried to type it out, but it came out a little different.  Man, need to remember verses a little better. 

 

Faith is not easy...
I'm reading through Philip Yancey's book, "Reaching for the Invisible God."  To tell you guys the truth, I'm struggling in my faith.  I think that this book is very helpful to everyone who has faith; has had a bad experience with Christians; been scarred in some way by the church. 
 
The church is not perfect, and it's far from being what we make it up to be.  A lot of people who don't believe see just how short we come. 
 
Philip Yancey talks about his own struggles with faith and other people who are well known and have struggled with faith.  Some of the past, some of the present.  He also mentions people who he respects as Christians and their struggles.  Why do they believe despite the bad things that happen to them? 
 
I'm going over it again, because I need to be reminded.  Reminded of what?  Well, just that I'm not the only one struggling with faith.  Also the fact that there are reasons to follow and continue following. 

I prayed for growth, and here it comes.  No matter how far I backtrack, I need to move forward somehow, and get further ahead than where I was before. 

I'll refrain from how I've failed or how I've been tested, but still, I'm doing okay.  Nothing bad has happened. 

Job hunting

Looking for a job hasn't been fun.  A lot of jobs require a lot of business.  Personally, that's not what I want to do.  I think that my only option right now is teaching English in Japan.  I have an idea of where to begin, so I'll start there and prepare before I apply.

I cannot do the dream job that I want.  I can barely understand anime without the subtitles.  I understand about 50%.  There's just so much more that I need to learn before I can express myself clearly.  But I guess it all comes down to using it and practicing it. 
It is good though that the US is really picking up in anime. 

Where do I belong?

I am thinking that I don't really know people outside of the church that well.  Don't get me wrong, being part of a group of believers is important.  But, I find that I just don't have that many friends who aren't Christian.  As of the past three years, I've seemed to severed my contacts of people who are outside of the church.  I'm stuck within this Christian bubble, and I really need to do something to change this. 

I have trouble talking with people at work, but I do to some extent.  They're really great people, and I think that I'm really going to miss my office here at school.  There are so many people out there who are not Christian who are really extraordinary.  There are some really good people out there. 

God created all people in His own hands.  I cannot understand the great love that He has for all people, only that I am trying to see people as people, and hope for the best for each person. 

Don't get me wrong.  I get jealous, I get frustrated, angry, and even upset at others.  Even sometimes I wonder how I can get along with some people.  Sometimes I don't. 

But someone said it best, "Treat people the same way you want them to treat you."  Not always meaning that you treat them how they treat you, but to treat them how you want to be treated. 

Also, don't get me wrong either.  If someone is treating you badly, then you use your best judgment and do what you think is best.  If you have something against someone, try and tell them what you have against them, instead of bearing grudges.  It might actually work, depending on how you bring it up.  Anyway, life is not easy. 

If you disagree with what I said, then that's cool.  I don't have all the answers, and I do what I think will work.  But once in awhile, I take a crazy chance of being rejected, and actually succeed. 

Sunday, the busiest day of the week

Today was a very busy day. Last night, I spent time playing video games with my younger brother till 1:30am. I woke up around 8:30 and walked the dog. A lady yelled at me because I let my dog pee in her bushes, but I guess if you spend a lot of time on your yard, I guess you would get fussy over a dog causing your plants to wither.

But still, it just shows you how much of an importance that people place on certain things. This is not the first time that I've been yelled at for the sake of my dog. And I'm not complaining, people can harbor bitter feelings if they want, it won't hurt me. Even though I did feel kind of bad and yelled "sorry", I'm not going to let her play a big part in my life. Really, I try not to care what other people think, even though I do to some degree, it's not important if a person thinks you're this or that.

(I'm going off on a tangent, but I do believe that how people feel is more important than what a person thinks. So, now I know not to let my dog go in that lady's bushes. I could care less if she thinks that I'm this or that.)

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, 'Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you so that you may be sons of your Father in Heaven. For He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:43-48

Jesus said that, maybe not those exact words, but he said that in the Sermon on the Mount. You can find it here

Note, a preacher once said that you should always look up the verses for yourself, because someone could be telling you anything, and you not knowing and seeing for yourself could believe what they say. It could be totally off, and you might not know it. Doesn't matter if they're a pastor, someone high up, or whatever, always look and think for yourself. You could be in a cult without knowing it.

Anyway, after the incident with the lady...heh. I got back in my house afterwards and started practicing piano. I was supposed to play for both Japanese and English service today. It was already 9:00. It takes me 30 minutes to get to church. English service starts at 9:30. I thought, oh, I won't miss much...just worship and maybe part of the message. I play only the postlude at the end, so I don't have to be there for the whole service.

But wow, did I miss a lot! I missed this really awesome testimony of what God had done in someone's life. A mother at our church gave a testimony of what God had been doing in her life and her family's life. I was amazed that miracles do happen today. I know that they do happen, yet this is the first time that I've ever heard of some crazy incident happening to cause something good firsthand.

The sermon today was about People of Faith. The person giving the testimony was asked to share about what God was doing in her life, and she remarked that it was more of a God who is faithful and we who just follow.

Anyway, I think that they talked about Moses today. I don't remember too much of the sermon, because I was falling asleep, but the testimony I stayed awake in. But I remember that the Pastor spoke about Abraham and how he didn't know where God wanted him to go, he didn't know why he was going, but God said go, and he went. Even though he didn't know where he was going. I think that the passage was in genesis and they used Hebrews (a book of the new testament) to recap what they were talking about. The pastor spoke today about not just giving of our money to God, but giving of our time, using our hands. That is more important than what we could give out of our pocket. (Also note, if you think that God is talking to you audibly, then I think that you should check it out with other people, because you might not be hearing God. It could be that you might need to see a doctor for help.)

It's not a sign of a healthy church when you have trouble getting people to serve out of a willful heart. I don't see what impact we're making on the community. And when we do some small things like hungry feeding, not too many people show up. Granted I hardly show up, but really, there are only a handful of faithful people that I see doing service. Granted also that there's a lot of ministry that I don't see. But man, God has given us so much not for ourselves, but so that we, like Abraham, will be a blessing to the nations. Not just far off, but here too. Makes me wonder what I'm doing here. I'm not that faithful, and really, if I want to make a difference, I need to be.

Japanese service

I played for Japanese service. Man, the person who plays piano every week for the Japanese side has a big job to fill. I think that they wanted piano music for 5-6 parts of the service. Of course, I haven't been playing piano for a long time, so I messed up in a lot of the service parts. People thanked me regardless because I played for their service. Plus, I played some of the same things in some of the parts that they let me choose what I wanted to play, so it wasn't that bad. heh

Anyway, it was stressful. I was nervous, but it was fun after I look back on it.

One thing that really kind of makes me reluctant to go to Japanese service is that I feel a tension between me and the people that I talk to from the Japanese side. I don't know, but I think that I come across as rude, because my Japanese skill is not good, and I probably sound really just informal. I mean, in English, you talk in different levels too, like when talking to your boss, you don't say, "Yo! What's up?" you say, "Hi, how are you doing today?" Something like that. Anyway, I speak informally, and I think that because most of the congregation is elderly Japanese people, I'm using the wrong speech level. Plus there is also tension, because I can't understand a lot of what they're saying either. But I guess that's okay. I'll learn if I put my mind to it.

Anyway, I was tired. My friends were waiting for me after Japanese service ended. Some of the Japanese members asked me to join them for their get together of lunch, so I did, and ate some. My friends still waited for me and N and actually looked for us. Man, what good friends I have.

I went to eat lunch again with my friends. heh. But man, my friends could see how tired I was. I wanted to go home.

I don't deserve such kindness

N invited me to eat dinner with him and his housemates. Wow, they were so nice to me. I don't deserve to be treated so nicely, but they were very welcoming. They invited one of their other friends over too, and she talked about this thing bugging her, which I won't go into, because I don't know who's reading this. But, yeah, it wasn't stressful, because the two people who owned the house were very mature, and the husband had some good advice to give. I was very impressed and amazed at their maturity. It was very interesting to listen to her speak, because she was going off about this topic and the funny things that she would do to conceal it. It's nothing bad, but it was funny.

The food was awesome! All Japanese food, except the Kim Chee. Man, it was soo good! I felt like this was way too good for me. Man, I would pay about $20 for something this good! N liked to cook in Japan, so he was pretty good at it. Man, it was good.

Anyway, enough about the food. I wish that G could have made it.

Anyway, I say that I don't deserve their kindness, because I felt so unworthy of how good they treated me. They talked with me, even though I'm not very good at talking. They included me, even though I tried to distance myself. They helped me feel welcome, even though they didn't know who I was.

N is such a good guy. I hope that he will come to know the Lord someday. I guess it all starts with a prayer, and then more prayer, and just the two commands. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and with all your mind and strength. And the second is love your neighbor as yourself.

I struggle with those two commands everyday, because love is not an easy thing. Who is your neighbor? The person sitting right next to you. The person on the street. The person who is selling you something on the phone whom you don't want to talk to. The person who annoys you. The person who hates you. Everyone is your neighbor. It's not simple to love your neighbor, because your neighbor might just tear your head off if given the chance. Or might not respond well to you. But still, that's what being a Christian is about. I keep on thinking, what can I do, and will I be willing to do it.

I'll stop now. But yeah, it was such a busy day. I'm tired, and I'll probably just go to work tomorrow tired.

But yeah, I could have missed out on so much if I didn't go to church. It was such a good day, even though I didn't enjoy all of the day, it just shows that God can bless you through little things and can grow them.

Anyway, don't think that I'm some super Christian or some really great guy. I'm okay, and I fail a lot. I have lots to work on in my life, and the people that I see who have grown so much, like my oldest brother, were at one point where I am right now. It takes work to become someone great.

Someday, I'll look back at myself, and see just how far I've come. I've come a long way since the day that I decided to end it all. The end didn't come, because of a miracle.

Anyway, I'll write about it later. But yeah, the jist of it all is that I yelled at God saying, "How could you let me go through all of this, if you're real! How could you let me suffer so much!"

I had heard that God loved me from one of my friends. The first time that I had heard that God loved me.

After I yelled those words out in my head, (I didn't yell it out verbally, but thought it out really loudly), I felt something that I had never felt before. Peace. And I fell asleep.

In the morning, I felt a little better, but life sucked as usual. It wasn't until a year or two later that things started to get remotely better. But yeah, I'm amazed at how things worked out, because my brother was praying for me. Miracles do happen. Not how you want them to, but they happen. Despite how bad things may seem, or how bad things are now, life can get better.

I don't know why I'm here still, but there's got to be a reason. Anyway, hope you guys out there are doing well. No matter how much life beats you down, get back up and try again. You can do it! Just trust that things can get better in time and work to make things better.

July 3rd and 4th

On July 3rd, my roommate let me use his memory card for the playstation to beat FF8. Compared to his guys, my guys were really weak, because all were at level 30. His main character was at level 100, and the other two at around 60-70. His other characters were at the same level as mine. Level 30. Crazy.

Anyway, the end boss was pretty hard. I spent 1 hour and 30 minutes trying to defeat him, and when I finally did, the game crashed 10 minutes into the end scenes.

But that's okay. I just wanted to beat the game, so I could play my other games.

I stayed up till 6am on Saturday night doing this and overslept for church.

Anyway, July 4th I spent at the park with my friends. Gar S. called me up and asked me if everything was alright in the afternoon on Sunday. I had just woken up and was feeling alright, but still tired. Because I missed church, my friends were wondering where I was. I guess they had tried a couple of times before, but I guess I was sleeping very soundly. ugh.

Anyway, I repeated the same thing last night. I played video games until 6am again. I slept in till 2pm, and fell back asleep until 5pm. Man, is this what my career is coming to?

4th of July

At the park, we watched fireworks. It was a good show. Even though we had to wait from 1pm till 10:30, it was worth it.

It made me happy to see all the flashing lights and to hear the explosions of the super novas. I kept on thinking about what life is truly about during that time. I have so many dreams that seem impossible to fulfill.

I know from experience, that nothing will happen, unless I make it happen. Not saying that you force things to happen. You don't have control over everything. But, what I'm saying is, if you want something to happen, you've got to take a chance and start something in your life. It may not pay off, or there is some crazy chance that it might.

I knew that I wasn't going to go to college with the grades that I had in 10th grade starting from 9th. I had a 3.25 avgerage, and I knew that I couldn't get into the college that I wanted to if I didn't work at it. I cut all video games at the time, and devoted myself to studying. I got 4.0s in all classes in my 11th grade year. That was good enough to raise my GPA to a 3.50, and good enough to get me into the college that I saw all my siblings go to and have dreamed about since I was a kid.

So I guess these crazy dreams that I have can become true. I just need to do the right things and focus on where I am going.

Sacrifice

I never would have gotten into college unless I had sacrificed my video game playing time. If you really want something, you have to work for it.

I feel like maybe I'm wasting my life here playing so many video games. I shouldn't have started again, as I have neglected my studies since I started. My Japanese was getting better...however, since my brother was in town last week, I played video games with him, and got started once again.

I guess I have to determine what is most important to me that I would spend what is limited...my time and my money.

The South Korean who was executed about a couple weeks ago has been on my mind now and again. Apparently he was a Christian and studied Arabic in hopes of being a missionary in the Middle East.

It is terrible that he died the way he did. I can't imagine what kind of people would do such a thing to another person.

Brother, I know you're in a better place right now. I hope that the people who did this to you will be touched by God in some way so that they will do good instead of evil.

On a separate note, I haven't blogged for awhile, because I felt that there was really nothing to say. I had nothing really interesting to report.

One good thing that happened to me recently though is that I have gone through some trials and I think that I am actually growing. I don't want to write too much about this, because I have not accomplished them yet, but am in the process of doing them and applying them to my life.

Small steps over time equal a great distance in a lifetime. Sort of like, one small step for man...heh. J/K

This past week, Jessica had a party at one of our friend's houses. heh. She was house sitting for them, and it was nice of her to open up their house for us. =) Actually, she got permission from the people to do this, so it's not like we did this behind their backs. But man, what a view that place had!

At the party, I didn't talk too much, and I felt kind of left out. But I soon realized that I have a lot of work to do on myself to become more social and a part of a community. I personally think that people are uncomfortable around me. Partly because I don't talk that much and I didn't make any effort to get to know them. (Yeah, really lame.)

My brother was right in saying that the more of a complete person you become, the more attracted people will be towards you. I look at some people who are really good at socializing and see just how people respond to them. It's fun to watch, because some of the things they do are really simple and just take some practice. I was surprised at how some girls were attracted to this one fellow who seemed to make some effort even though he was not (in my opinion) very masterful and made mistakes, yet interacted with others and people seemed to generally respond well to him.

Sometimes you don't have to be good at something to actually do something. It takes effort and practice, yes, but you'll never get better unless you try.

One thing that amazes me is internationals in the US. The US is not a very nice place for people who don't know how to speak English well. I think that generally, most people aren't very patient with others who can't speak English that well, because most Americans haven't traveled to other places and haven't tried to learn other languages besides in school. Granted it's not everybody who is like this, but generally speaking, there are lots of comments about people's English ability.

Don't let that discourage you from coming to the USA if you don't speak English well though.

the reason why I say that I'm impressed by internationals is that they leave everything that's familiar to them, and come to a foreign land and learn in a foreign language. True, that some of the internationals learn English in their home countries, but learning a different culture and being able to bounce back at misunderstandings and fitting in with the people really impresses me. Most of the internationals that I have met are very mature and seem older than they really are.

I wonder if I go to Japan and try to fit into the culture there, if I could handle it.

Anyway, enough babbling about this.

I just wanted to write that I don't know why Kim Sun-Il had to die this way, but for some reason it happens. I wonder if I would be as bold as him to go to the Middle East for a mission. Am I prepared to die? I don't even think that I have even known what life is all about. Makes me wonder how I'm living life now.

I've always wanted to make a positive impact in this world. I've wanted to change the world in a better way. It's very hard to do this, but there are small things that one can do that can be of some use. Basically what it comes down to is God and people. God has the power to change the hearts of men, and people have to go out there and be willing to be used by God to make a difference. Something that is not easy.

One more thing, about an earlier post. If your friends are causing you to do stuff that's wrong, then you need to be smart about what you're doing and get away from them until you can say no. It's not good to try to make a difference in people's lives if you aren't making a difference in their lives. If you're being influenced by other people to do wrong things, then you should get away.

I've had one experience where I tried to help out another person, and I was basically falling because of him. The only person who told me what I needed to hear was someone very close to me. This person was the only person who told me what was right, that I needed to break my friendship with this other person. I personally thought that the dangerous person (the friend that I needed to break friendship with) might have killed me someday if I stayed his friend. You've got to look at reality and see if you're in danger also. If so, then you need to get away.

Just thought that I'd write that just in case anyone is going through the same things I went through.