Nothing much to talk about. I've been feeling kind of down, and I think that it's because I'm not making it to church. I've been spending a lot of time playing video games on the weekends and during this holiday season.

I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future, but I know that I must be more responsible than I am now, or else bad things might happen in the future.

Anyway, I'm going to get going...

I was thinking today about a year ago when I came back from Japan for the holidays. It was good to see my family and friends, but I always will remember that it was way different from how I was treated in Japan. I guess it's kind of hard to explain, but I felt like I could be more open in Japan because I was away from all the norms from home.

When I came home, the feeling of being a little kid came back to me. Maybe it was living with my parents again or being around everyone and me expecting them to expect me to be a certain way. I don't know...but definitely I do feel like a kid again...even though my parents have been treating me more like an adult nowadays.

Maybe soon I'll be on my own again and then I'll be forced again to grow up. But for now, I'm not sure what I want to do with my life.

Don't get me wrong though...my parents have been really good to me. I just don't know what it is I want with my life.

Anyway, i've got to go...

I could write a lot now, but for the sake of going to sleep, I'm going to cut it down.

I went to my company party tonight, and had a good time. It was a really nice event that my company put together. I'm wondering exactly how much it all cost, because this seemed way too good than what I'm used to.

Anyway, lots of entertainment at the party...several people sang, several people played strings, and a band played at the end. They were called Kay Kay and were on a talk show recently. Man, it was just too much...but really awesome!

They had two dance instructors come in and teach everyone some dance moves. Apparently I need to brush my teeth after I eat, because I think that the people I switched off with didn't like that smell. heh. Anyway, had a good time with my date too.

My friends were wondering who I brought, as she didn't show up until later. And the answer is obvious, because there is only one person I feel comfortable with. Apparently people who I know read my blog as someone I didn't even tell that I was bringing someone asked me about who I was bringing. And he got his info from someone else. hmm...anyway, I know who you are. =)

Man, I probably should wake up tomorrow on time...I'm thinking that I'll most likely get fired someday for being late. Man, For some reason, I felt pretty weird today. I don't know why I felt so tired, but I was guessing that it had to do with those 2 twenty two ounces cans of iced tea I drank yesterday...hmmm...man, that stufff...got to cut it out. That's also another reason why I don't drink. It would ruin my life practically. So no booze for me...iced tea and coffee is as far as I'll go.

Man...okay, got to sleep.

[EDIT]

Okay, so I decided to youtube the band kay kay. Apparently they're called "Kay Kay and his Weathered Underground." You can find them on youtube found here.

[Another EDIT]
Okay, I found the link on youtube where they're on the Carson Daly show on the Last call. You can find the link here.

After a long week of feeling bad, I was thinking of not going to fellowship tonight. I didn't want to bring all the crap that I had going on this past week.

Anyway, I went to fellowship...because I always go to fellowship...but yeah, I still have some issues going on in the back of my mind right now.

Fellowship was good. Just a good time of talking to people. However, I kind of think that my face showed the pain that in my heart, because people probably reflected back to me my face that I was giving them.

I don't know what to say anymore...I guess I've got to just deal with it and pray. There are steps that I can take to make things better, but it will also take some initiative on my part.

I'm kind of tired of going to work each day and feeling bad most of the time. I can't think to myself and laugh to myself, because people think that I'm laughing at them. Maybe I'm weird, but I think a lot about the funny things that happened in the past. That's what happens when you're raised introverted. you make your own good time with yourself and are not very good at reaching out to others. Maybe that's something I should change about myself. To "force myself" as Harrison Ford would say...(taken from a TV interview on the news.)

Someone asked me today about if I'm looking forward to my company party. To be honest, I'm not really looking forward to my company party even though I will be going with good friends and a nice person as a date. Something about me is dreading this party...and I think that it's the fact that there will be drinking there and I just have bad memories of another party where everyone got drunk and acted really weird. That wasn't fun at all and I don't see how people can have fun when they're not in their right mind.

Well, I guess alcohol does loosen people up, but it is weird for me to be around people when they're drinking or drunk. I don't know what it is, but apparently something inside of me doesn't like that.

I can't seem to give the right answers to people, as I give weird tangents and off topic things about this party. But I am looking forward to going with my date and my friends there. But something about me just doesn't want to go to this party...and i'm dreading something...unforeseen. But most likely it's nothing.

Anyway, this week has been a hard week and I can see in people's faces my face in their looks or concerns they give to me.

My mom was right that I need to learn how to address these problems when they happen and not let them fester. I don't know what to think, but I think that maybe I need to spend more time with God on the weekdays. And learn how to talk to people when something bothers me and not just keep it to myself.

Frankly speaking, I can't keep letting people just say anything to me when it bothers me. I need to say something and speak up for myself. I'm an adult now. I know that I'm not a kid anymore. Maybe this is a lesson God is trying to teach me. Maybe I was meant to go through all this pain this past week.

Anyway, I want to say that I'm going to be a better person, but I can't say that, I can only make efforts and improve slowly...it's not going to happen by saying it...and I need to be conscious of decisions and their effects and consequences.

As for Christmas shopping...I still don't have things for most of the people on my list. I have 2 out of 7 so far. Man, I don't know what to say...maybe I should shop online...heh. ugh...well...got to get going

As I'm now working I'm finding that I have little time left in my day after work ends. Most of my life is now work and my relationships with my coworkers. I am also finding it tough to make it to church as I've been oversleeping for church. I don't want to show up late, but I don't want to wake up on time. It seems like something in me just wants to sleep in more...

I don't know what's happening to me, but I think that it has to do with me not taking care of myself. Why am I up this late? Or why am I not exercising? It probably has more to do with what I want instead of what's good for me.

One of my friends has been telling me that everything we do should be for the glory of God. I find that I'm having trouble doing that with what I'm doing in my own personal life. Why am I doing all these things? I'm not doing anything bad, but what I'm doing is filling my time with things that may not be beneficial. Everything is permissible but not everything is beneficial.

I wonder what my life would be like if I got things together. We'll see. Maybe this is a sign that I need to exercise and start to work faster. And get more sleep.

It seems like I have no time anymore...I probably should stop using the internet to check sports and read articles. Since I have little time, I probably should spend it better.

a day of near misses

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I even thought of not going to fellowship because I was in such a bad mood.

Anyway, nothing bad happened, but a lot of things could have happened...a lot of near misses. I won't go into details, but it just seemed like things were just not going my way.

I am lucky though that nothing bad did happen and I escaped for a day into the next. I can only say that God was looking out for me. It could have been even worse if those things did happen.

As I take the test tomorrow, I know I'm going to fail...I don't know what to say....maybe language isn't my thing. Maybe I just don't know how to delay my gratification to study and put that first instead of having fun. Well...I think this is another lesson that I should have learned the last two times I took the test. But yeah, we'll see what happens in the future.

According to this yahoo article, graveyard shifts are a "probable" cause of cancer.

I'm glad that I don't work that shift anymore...who knows though, if I get fired, then maybe I'll have to do that again. But yeah, the people who I saw that worked that shift at my old workplace looked really old compared to people I saw who worked during the day.

I guess maybe I need to take better care of myself and not stay up too late anymore...

More babble

I've been staying up way too late these past few nights of vacation. So I've been waking up at 2pm. heh. Oh man...so I missed church again. I don't know what it is, but I like to stay up for some reason. I don't like to go to sleep early, even though I would feel better. Maybe it's the fact that I can't use the TV until after my parents go to sleep.

Anyway, I should be studying for the JLPT...I don't know why I keep on taking these tests if I'm not going to study...I'm thinking that I should probably not sign up for the test until I can confidently say that I can pass it way before I sign up for it. Another year of failing...

But it has been a good year though...I went to Japan to teach English and came back even though I had failed there. I got another job because of my friends and I'm somewhat content now. Maybe that's why I haven't been studying...I'm really comfortable with where I am now.

Someone told me to not get too comfortable because you'll never know what will happen in the future. So I'm thinking that if I don't improve myself, I'll be in some trouble...

I don't know what it is, but I feel like I just want to take a longer vacation. But as the holiday season approaches, that's not possible. I might be working the day after Christmas...or maybe Christmas eve or the Saturday before it...but we'll see.

I guess I have a lot to plan for in terms of where I want to be in a year...or even where I want to be in terms of my language ability in the next month. I guess instead of making goals for the year or even the long term, I need to focus more on the short term goals...day by day, to week by week, to month by month...then it might be possible to reach those long term goals. I've been stuck in the same place for 3 years now.

But anyway, I have a lot to be thankful for. I experienced new things in my life...going to Japan and living there for a good amount of time...meeting some great people, and growing a little more from my time away from my parents. God has definitely been good to me in that I do feel that I am a better person than I was a year ago...

I guess I should be better to God...

JLPT is in two weeks...man, I am not ready...but then again, I just spent an hour reading articles about the ps3...and surfing the net...and fantasy sports...and well...you get the picture. My mom asks me why I keep on signing up for these tests if I'm not going to study. She said, "you'd think signing up for the test would motivate you to study for it, but maybe you should wait until you know that you can pass the test for sure."

I don't know what it is...I don't know why I'm so unmotivated. Maybe I just don't want to do this as a career...It was so different in college though...I studied hard in Japanese...I really enjoyed it...but I think that I got overloaded...

Maybe I should look to do something else with my life...

One thing that someone said was that they hated going to Japanese school when they were young, but appreciate it so much now that they're an adult. Okay, nothing's going to happen if I keep on writing.

Dual Shock 3 for PS3, but woes for the ps3???

Apparently I saw on ebay that people were selling dual shock 3 controllers for around $70 in Japan worldwide. So I checked www.amazon.co.jp (or check this link) and saw that they are actually selling that. However, it's not in the US yet...and probably not in other countries either.

So apparently the CEO, when he was hinting that there would be a controller with vibration for the ps3 was actually serious.

So apparently from a gamespot article found here, Sony is pleading with its 3rd party developers to stay on board for the ps3. Dismal sales of the PS3 contribute to that.

In other news, Sony released a 2.0 firmware for the PS3, but it doesn't do very much. Remote turn on using your psp? And other eye candy stuff...article found here.

I'm still disappointed in the ps3 too. There aren't any good games out for it. Ninja Gaiden sigma is one, but who hasn't played that? Heavenly sword is another good one, but it's pretty short. I'm still waiting for FFXIII and White Knight. Plus for some reason, the ps3 disconnects from online play when I get some lag. And on top of that, I have to download the updates to my memory stick on my pc because the ps3 I got can't keep a connection long enough to download it directly from the wireless router. Maybe I have a defective PS3. I don't know...

Anyway, the only good games I have are on the ps2, ds, and some on the psp...which I might add is breaking up...which means I either have to buy a new one, or get it fixed...I also might add that I hardly used my psp and my directional pad on the bottom left corner is broken. On top of that also, my wireless internet for my psp isn't working either, so I can't connect.

I remember hearing about people buying the ps2 when it first came out and that it broke a year later. Now, the ps2 doesn't have that problem...but it could be that sony does make improvements over the years when they update the model. So maybe I should never buy sony products when they first come out...

Anyway, I'm curious to see if Sony can make use of its six axis controllers to make great games...but still, it's pretty early and I'm doubtful.

If they can develop great games that will be worth the wait, then I'm sure that news will spread and more ps3s will be bought. But it has been a whole year and still a lot of the games won't come out for awhile. I'm guessing ps3 sales will be low this Christmas.

Nintendo was pretty smart though...they came out with Zelda when the Wii came out and had wii sports to keep people busy until their new games come out. Sony however, didn't have any blockbuster games like that close to launch.

However, if Sony is able to come out with great games for the PS3, then I'm sure that people will be happy with it. Which is why I can see why they're pleading for developers to stay with the ps3.

Anyway, they have some great titles lined up for next year, so hopefully...hopefully...they'll do something worthwhile.

For some reason, I don't want to study for this test coming up. I already know that I'm going to fail...I've failed 2 times before at this level. I don't know what it is, but maybe I'm just too comfortable right now with where I am.

I don't know where I'll be in the future. I really should have a back up plan, (like building my Japanese skills,) but I'm so unmotivated now.

Time is passing by quickly and the test is in 2 weeks. Maybe I should find something else in terms of what I want to do. If I'm not going to put in the time to do something, then why pursue this dream of being someone who can make a living off of translating Japanese? It makes no sense.

Anyway, no matter what I do, it seems like there's this cloud hanging over me in bad memories and experiences related to studying Japanese. Maybe it's not even that, but that it's pretty dry in terms of looking stuff up constantly. Not a good sign if you're looking stuff up all the time and not understanding it on your own.

I do believe that anybody can do anything. But sometimes there's limitations to what a person can do. I guess maybe Japanese isn't for me. Maybe I'm not cut out to do Japanese as a profession. Maybe I should just work these blue collar jobs.

I do believe that if you do believe that you can do something within your bounds, then you can achieve it. I guess basketball was a good lesson for me on life. My friend told me that being good a basketball is all about practice. And without practice, you can't get any better. Anyway, some great people are people who overcame others telling them that they couldn't do something and proved them wrong. They knew that they could do it and followed through to the end when they achieved success.

I guess if I want to get any better at Japanese, I'll have to practice often...if not everyday. I can't learn this language at the rate that I'm going at now.

Maybe I'm too little too late for this year. But if I improve from my previous two scores, then I'll be happy.

Man, I really suck at scrabble...I'm getting creamed online. Well...I only play for fun, so whatever.

Anyway, the JLPT is coming up. I'm thinking I'm going to fail...but as long as I improve, I'll be happy. Maybe next year.

Sometimes I'm glad that I'm still here.

So I was playing Yu-gi-oh tag force for the psp. Man, I can see why the kids get so addicted to these games. But still, one thing that kind of bothered me was that if you have a crappy deck, then you'll always lose. Buying new cards is a must, but it's all luck in what cards you get. I can't imagine playing this as a real card game, because there's so many cards and I can't keep track of all of them.

One thing that I didn't like either was that it's not like an rpg in any sense of the word. You don't whittle away your opponent's monster's health, you just knock them out. Unless you get a card that does take their health away. Basically it's like a card game, highest value wins.

I think that this game and puzzle quest will be sitting on my shelf for awhile. I kind of think that card games and puzzle games are just not my cup of tea.

Anyway, maybe I'm outgrowing video games. Well, at least I didn't get sucked into WoW. After watching my former roommate do poorly in classes from Evercrack, I vowed never to get into that stuff. heh. Nerd talk...oh man...

Anyway, yeah, to think all the hours I spent playing video games...the only people who ever benefited from video games are the people who win those video game tournaments...however, many of the other people are living in their parents' basement.

i wonder exactly what's going to happen if I take responsibility and do something worthwhile. We'll see though...it might never happen...but I can't think about tomorrow...I've got to do what I can today.

Lately, I've been feeling really low. I've wondered why I'm here on this earth again...and I'm wondering why the heck am I feeling this way?

The reason, after praying and talking to God, was that I realized that a some people were critical of me or criticizing me. Like today, basketball practice was today and I was feeling horrible today...my dad would always ask me..."Why did you join this basketball team?" It always made me feel worse when we lost, because he seemed like he was saying to himself...I'm right. Maybe he wasn't saying anything like that, but that's how I felt these past two months.

This wasn't the only thing that's been going on, but some other people have been getting on my case. And I can't escape anywhere from their presence.

What I think God told me during this time of prayer was that people will always be critical of you...and you can't help that. But you've got to be happy with who you are and see the good things inside of you. And if you desire change, you can work with God to become a better person.

It always helps me to find my place in God, because He does put things into the right perspective. In the cloudiness, He is the beacon of light that guides me to where I should be.

it makes me wonder why the heck I didn't do this earlier... Maybe I've been too busy chasing after other things.

Anyway, I've been sick with this cold for a month now...and I haven't gotten better. Maybe I should see a doctor, but I think that I can overcome this illness. I don't feel too terribly bad, but it is pretty annoying not being at 100 percent.

Well...whatever...I know that God can do a great thing in me if I work with Him to accomplish that.

So yeah, I do feel healed a little bit...anyway, got to go

Maybe I just don't want things to be better too badly...maybe I'm content with being average or below average. I mean, if I really wanted to do something, then I'd work for it right? If I don't make changes or sacrifices, then I won't get any better. Maybe I just want to live comfortably...maybe that's why I'm not working any harder.

I was taught that hard work does pay off. It has in the past...but for some reason, I just started to drop off in Jr. High.

Anyway, as the Bible says, "God is not mocked! a man reaps what he sows." Meaning that if you work for bad things, then you'll receive bad things. If you work for good things, then you'll receive good things. I'm not talking about karma, but what I'm talking about is growth in your personal life. Meaning, you plant things in your life everyday...what you do each day, what you work for, or what you don't do or what you are lazy in. Or, it could be some bad things that will change or warp you.

This whole verse always comes to mind in that God will honor whatever you do in that each action has a consequence. You may not see the results early on, but later on in your own life, they'll be there. And if you keep on doing them, they'll still be living, like a plant.

So, with that said...it's true that if you don't use it, you lose it. Hmm...I'm thinking that it's going to take a long time for me to get any better at something...and I guess that's the way it should be. I can see why people get frustrated at me...and they have good reason to be.

Anyway, maybe I should stop blogging about this broken record...

In other news, my brother came back this past week for a gig. It seems like he's really busy nowadays. I don't know how he can do so much. I couldn't handle all of that. But like sports, I guess if you work on something and are successful at it, then you can handle more.

Well...I'm thinking...I've been at this stage several times in my life...some times I was successful, because I made a change and worked hard at it. But other times, I failed, because I just didn't start early enough to be successful when the date came. The day I had to prove myself.

I guess training and practice are what I need...to be successful. And it starts with changing myself...and changing my life...cutting corners will not be good...like performance enhancing drugs...they hurt you in the end...even though they give you some early success, you'll pay for it later on. God is not mocked...man, I guess the phrase, "everything is hard" is true.

I'm thinking that I won't pass the JLPT. Anyway, got other things to think about now...the boss is thinking of talking to me tomorrow, so that probably means that he's going to move me to some other job in the company...not sure if that's a good thing...or worse, he's going to fire me...but yeah, maybe I'll be doing something else...

Anyway, regardless, I'm just glad that I got my hours in...I'm wondering if I'll be taking over someone else's place that will be leaving soon. It's going to suck, because work has been fun because we had some funny conversations in the group that I'm in now. But I guess I've got to do what I've got to do. No complaints...it's a job.

It shows me that I need to gain some skills...or else I'm going to go nowhere.

Man, I'm thinking about today and just some of the things that happened. Anyway, it's nothing big, but I'm seeing just how empty everything is and what is most important to me. Anyway, seeing things from the other perspective, I'm reminded that there was someone else who was rejected by his own and misunderstood.

Anyway, whatever happens, and whatever doesn't kill me, will only make me stronger. So many people out there are lost, but I'm not concerned for the many, but the few that I know that are. Maybe I'm lost too in that I still have some things to take care of.

Anyway, God loves the people in the world...but man bad times are coming...I don't know when, but I just know that there will be someday...

This past weekend, I didn't want to go on the church retreat. I wanted to skip out and play video games at home. But I went...even though I was a little late.

It was good though and I think it was something that we needed to hear. I still have to process all that went on in the messages. I feel that this is something that I needed to hear to grow and become more like the early church.

Anyway, there's so much in the Bible that we don't know about because we just don't have the background on it. But man, when the background was put into context, boy did it make a lot of sense in the speaker's message.

So yeah, we'll see what happens...it may not happen with a lot of people, but I want it to happen with me...what I'm talking about is change. And maybe it won't happen...but I do believe that God is true to His word that if you are faithful in a little thing, then God will trust you with more. If you aren't faithful in a little thing, then who will trust true riches to you? Leveling up. heh

Why is it that I relate so much of my life to RPGs? heh

Anyway, I know that God can do great things through those who are faithful. I've seen it in other people...and I want that in my life. But we'll see...maybe I'm on a retreat high right now. When I hit the working world tomorrow, maybe things will go back to normal. I hope not...

Anyway, it was definitely a message we needed to hear. And I'm glad that I went.

I got so wrapped up in making money and the material things of this world that I forgot that there's so much more to life than earning a paycheck. I thought that I was happy, but I found out that there is so much more awesome things out there in ministry and in Christ.

I also felt like I grew up a little bit. Thinking about things I felt that I learned how to relate to people a little better and to not take things for granted. Still have to work on that more though.

Anyway, I want to write more, but it would lose its meaning in that this is a word from God to our church and other people and churches may not be in that same place yet. So I won't publish what I learned. But yeah, definitely I need to learn how to relate to people who are different from me and not run away from those who are in sinful lives or different cultures. Now I understand what my pastor was talking about all those years ago. Man, apparently the speaker was someone whom God placed there to bring us this message.

Yes our church needs to change, but we can't make it change...we can only change ourselves and point others in the right direction. If we all do this, then of course our church will change. During our times of aloneness and meditation, will we learn...heh, yeah, I guess I'll be ruminating more...

Crazy stuff....

Today, or should I say last night, someone tried to break into the company and who knows what they were looking for. All I know is, I should probably leave before dark and come in early. hmm...

Anyway, someone broke the window and ran in, but the alarm scared them off. Yeah, that's a good thing to have an alarm when you have a company. heh.

I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing in the future. I don't know where I'll be or what circumstances I'll be in.

When I was working my graveyard shift job about a year and a half ago, I felt like I should be saving up my money...even before then, I felt that same feeling. I thought that God was telling me something...but I didn't know what it was.

A year ago, during this time, I was in Japan...using some of the money that I saved up. A lot of it went to the plane ticket, a new suit, new shoes, a new waredrobe (actually my mom paid for that...) and just a lot of wondering how I'm going to survive with this rent to pay and bills also. One thing that I never had to worry about in Japan was money. Being an ALT paid pretty well even for someone who worked for a English teaching company.

During my time there, I ended up buying a crapload of video games and still saw my account rise.

On March 2nd, 2007 though, I received the phone call that ended that streak. I was told that they didn't want me to teach another year as my performance was below par. My heart skipped beats as I wondered what I was going to do in the future. This was the job that I left everything in the States for...this was the job that I went halfway around the world for. Now it was ending. Even though I was expecting/dreading this phone call, I knew that it was probably for the best. I always thought to myself that these kids deserved someone who can teach them English at a higher level. And that wasn't me.

Coming home, I wasn't worried about finding a job any time soon, but I knew that i needed one soon so I wouldn't be wasting my time doing nothing as I spent one year doing while I was waiting for a job that never came. It was strange this time though, I didn't have to do anything to get this job and I'm lucky that I even have this job that i have now. I'm lucky that I have good friends.

For some reason, I feel the need to save money again. I don't know why, but I can only hope that nothing bad is going to happen. I don't earn much, but I know that there are good reasons to be a good steward with what you have.

One thing that my pastor told me in a conversation i had with him was that one reason why we give to the church or other missionaries or help in other programs is that we give to bless. The church does a lot of good things with the money...well...not all churches, but the purpose for the church is to bless the nations and "to proclaim the good news to the nations" also.

We don't give to be blessed and I don't believe that God will make our lives easy if we follow Him. It has gotten me thinking that maybe I've got it all wrong this past year. I chose the easy path away from God and not the harder path that leads to lives being changed.

Anyway, not saying that i'm going to follow that harder path right now, but I've been thinking about things since I came back...it's really different in Japan and the US. I think that if I got involved with a church there in Japan, I would have had a different outlook during my time there and would have made a better difference rather than being just another person there.

I don't know why I feel the need to save money. Maybe this is a sign that I'm using too much money on things like snacks and video games. And when I think about things again...i'm left with the thought..."is it worth it?" What am i seeking in life? What do i really want to do with my life?

I don't know if I should go back to Japan someday...but maybe someday, I will go back and hopefully I'll be stronger and more dedicated. But who knows...I could be stuck in the same place I was 3 years ago and 3 years before that. I need to change and the first step is making a choice each day...not something that I really want to do in changing my life...and I feel that maybe it won't happen...but I have two choices in each decision...run away, or face it.

Someone asked one person at work today about money. "If God told you to give all your money away would you do it?" He replied, "Of course. If God told me to, I would." But then he was asked about hesitation and if he could do that if it really did come around in life. Of course we can't know until the time comes.

Anyway, I'm not sure what i'm thinking about money...Why the heck am I thinking about money? I don't know...and maybe I need to start focusing on something else.

Well, I'm ill. I spent most of yesterday sleeping on the couch and most of last night in and out of consciousness. I'm feeling a little better today, but I'm glad that I didn't go into work today as I felt bad around noon time.

I'm not sure if I can make into work tomorrow, but we'll see. Hopefully I can as I need to make some money to live on.

I guess I'm lucky that I'm living with my parents. I don't have to pay rent or pay for food. I guess with my job, I won't be moving out anytime soon or independent anytime soon...man...it makes me think that I need to find something better.

My dad said something, "I should have made you all go into Engineering, because the two Engineers in our family are the only ones who don't have money problems." Well, he's right.

Anyway, I'm thinking of taking the level 3 Japanese language proficiency test. I don't think that I'll be able to pass level 2 this year. We'll see...

I took level 2 two times before and failed both times. What I should have done is take level 3 two years back...oh man...

There are so many people that speak Japanese fluently and I'm not in that level yet. Maybe I should give up and find something else...

I'm doing nothing related to Japanese and I don't see myself getting any better anytime soon. Do people learn Japanese from a book usually? Or from actually hearing it? I guess I need to pick up my anime once again...and manga too.

Man, I'm pretty tired. Yesterday was basketball practice...I still feel it today. It shows me that I need to get in shape if I want to play well.

Anyway, made it to church today...so that was good. I didn't really make it for worship though... so I'll try to do better next week.

Been awhile since I last updated, but I think that I'm stuck in the same place I was about 2 years ago. Anyway, I know that I can get to a higher place if I work at it.

What I'm talking about is where I'm going in life. It seems like I don't want to put in the work to achieve a higher success, but then again, who will trust me with anything if I'm not faithful in a little job, even just helping out around the house...I guess that's why people don't have very much confidence in my abilities, and why I also doubt myself too.

I guess there's only one way out...dig up and work my way out of this hole.

Well...what I've been learning from bible study though...has been that I need to seek out God first and direction from Him if I am to do something worthwhile. Dying to myself daily and living for God each day...whatever that means...I don't think I understand that right now.

Anyway, I have a long way to go...and I don't think that I've made any progress. It's so easy to just sit back and relax and do nothing to improve my life. Well...if I really want to do it, then I'll do it. But if I don't want to improve, then I guess I won't.

I wonder though...maybe it's like school in some sense. You improve gradually over a long period of time...making little successes everyday and eventually that will translate into a lot of growth. What comes to mind is, "God is not mocked! A man reaps what he sows."

Anyway...why I was thinking all of this recently was that I was listening to NPR this afternoon and the show "this American life" had a story of this one woman who did a biography of her father on this show...it showed me that this father of theirs was a horrible father and just couldn't achieve success in anything in his life. Everything he did was because of the essence of who he was and he really messed up his life and his children's lives as well. I kept on thinking about this show and was thinking that I could possibly be like this guy not in terms of the horrible things he did, but in terms of not achieving any success. He is a person who should not have gotten married, mainly that he just couldn't raise a family and he just didn't have the right attitude and maturity I guess.

Why I wrote all that about this guy was that it showed me what I don't want to become. He was basically a guy who preached about Christ, but didn't know Him or understand Him. When I think about what's important in this life, I think about God and what He cares about...

Am I living for Him? Not exactly, I feel that I'm living for myself right now.

Anyway, something that one of my friends said that a person at his church said was that, "it's not a matter of asking if God is on our side or not, but if we are on God's side." I really don't know too much about what God is for, only that He sees the oppressed and broken and wants to reach out to them...not sure how though...and I'm not sure if that's what I'll do or am capable of doing.

I don't know...I don't know where I'm going with this, but as I'm writing this, I keep on thinking that I need to live for God and turn away from materialism...which will be a big struggle...and to put Him first. Anyway...easier said than done...

Heavy topic today...but yeah, I don't think that anything is going to happen anytime soon though. I'm not called to vocational ministry, but I should at least try to reach out to people at work.

I guess I have been misunderstanding things as I'm reminded of Matthew 7:12, "Treat people the same way you want them to treat you." Lately, I've been thinking about how other people treat me and the relationships whether good or bad I have with other people. And I'm reminded that God loves all people and that everyone is special. It's not necessarily a big thing if people treat me bad, because that's not on my head...I can say something, but I can't change people. The only thing that I can do is change how I treat them. That's not my idea...

My parents told me of Jack Nickalus (spelling?) the famous golfer. He basically said something that still sticks with me today. He basically said something like this...don't quote me exactly on this...as I'm just hearing this secondhand. He said, "I can't help what other people think. I can't do anything to change their minds. I can only help what I think."

I don't know what specific question he was asked, but what he said is true to me today...even though I'm not that great of a person, I can't help what other people of me. I can only help what I think of me. How this all relates comes back down to treat people the same way you want them to treat you. Jesus doesn't say to treat people that same way they treat you, but to treat them how you WANT them to treat you.

Man, why is that I forgot so much in this past year? I guess if read the Bible and thought about it more and applied it to my life, then I would probably be better off. And if I made it to church and tried to live how Jesus lived on Sunday and carried that over to the workplace, then I also would be better off. Well...whatever...I gotta go.

Made it...sort of...

Today I made it to church...only that I got there when service ended. I however did make it to Sunday school, so that was a plus.

The Sunday school class that I'm going to is about Luke and Acts...only that the version of these books is "The cotton patch gospels," by Clarence Jordan.

As the teacher was outlining the class today, he mentioned that there is a lot of humor in the gospels that we don't pick up nowadays. The translations today was very formal and sometimes things are lost in the translation. The cotton patch gospels translate the gospels in terms of the not so far past in America. It's basically a word for word translation, only that it changes Jerusalem to Atlanta, and a lot of the geography to Georgia.

Basically, there is a lot of racial tension in the south and the Bible has lots of that racial tension that we don't really think about that was true back then that is true today. I'm really looking forward to seeing the gospels in terms of something that I can relate to. Man, I'll write more when I read more.

Basically, the class is going to read 3 chapters per week and write key verses that we find in there that really speak about what the whole book is about.

Another plus is, I got my perspectives books back that I lent to someone at church. Yes! I can now indulge in reading instead of video games! Hmm...funny how just actually making it to church, even though I missed the whole service, can really have an impact on what you do. Well, we'll see what happens this week if I live it out.

Basketball...

Last week, I practiced basketball for the first time in awhile. I'm really out of shape and I can see myself really dying this first game tomorrow. We practiced again today and I still felt really out of it. I know that unless I get in shape, I'm going to be the weak link on the team for quite awhile.

After basketball practice we ate and talked. One thing that I never really did as I was growing up was talk at the table. We basically just watched TV and the news at that time. Every time I talked, I was told to be a little quieter, mainly because my dad wanted to watch the news and this was his way of relaxing after working from 7 to 5. Well...he left around 7, so maybe 8 to 5? I don't know...but yeah, I do feel like if I ever have kids, I want to talk to them at the table when they're young and get them in the habit of making conversation...something a little different from how I grew up. I can see myself being much quieter in the future.

Anyway, back to today...I'm feeling good actually...after exercising for a little bit. I think that it's good that I get out and do that consistently as I've become really round in the belly.

Anyway, last night was a gathering for post college and career singles. I really didn't want to go. And even after my friend's convinced me to go, I really didn't want to be there. I didn't initiate conversation and I was a little antisocial. When it got dark and cold, I left with my friends who went. I'm kind of wondering...will I ever get married to anybody? Me being like I am now, will I ever make a connection with any woman? I don't know...but we'll see.

Anyway...as I was driving home today from basketball practice, I listened to NPR and heard some stuff on there. Interesting bit too. Apparently it was about this American soldier and an Iraqi translator or something like that. A reporter was there taping the conversation and basically it was just their normal day to day stuff that they did. At one point there was jokes being told about Iraqis. I personally took offense to that...but as the reporter interviewed the translator the translator did not. He knew the guy that was saying those jokes and he knew that that wasn't the real him.

How he explained it was that in their private conversations, they had some meaningful conversations and developed a friendship. He knew that the soldier was blowing off steam.

When the reporter interviewed the solider, he basically looked at the tape and he was ashamed of it, but he said something that kind of stuck with me today. I'll try to paraphrase it, but he said that he doesn't believe what he said personally and he feels ashamed of that when looking back on it. But he said that in war, everything that you believed and what you stand for can be changed. People are trying to kill you and it brings out the bad parts of you. He said that that wasn't the worst of him. Back home he wouldn't say those things about other people...

Anyway, what stuck out of me was that something that I was told came true when hearing it from someone who has experienced war. "War brings out the worst in people."

Back home, the soldier and the translator brought those tapes to a Muslim organization and as the reporter said, "everything in his senses that is telling him to run away and not face the hatred that he was expecting to receive, he overcame his fears and anger and brought those tapes to the people there." They accepted him and I think that there was some healing in the soldier. His friend, the translator, who was with him vouched for him.

Right now, they both are going to college in the United States.

I was thinking...wow, people can be decent if you give them a chance. And when you try to understand them and there is a connection and friendship, it can lead to healing.

I just found it on the www.npr.org website.

Apparently it's on the program "This American Life" and can be found on www.thislife.org

It ran today, September 8th, 2007. If you can wait, you can probably listen to it for free next week by downloading the MP3 or maybe next month, you can download it. They do have a 30 second promo though which is for free.

How they described it was, an Iraq war vet joins the Muslim student association to overcome his anger towards Muslims.

Anyway, go to www.thislife.org and look for the title, "The Devil in me" (September 8th, 2007)

I was thinking today..."if I don't do anything to improve or to reach a different level...then where will I be? At the same level as I was 3 years ago."

Yeah, definitely I need to make some hard decisions. I don't want to be at this same stage in my life 7 years from now.

I know that I can become a better person if I work at it...but as of lately, I've been feeling really lazy and wanting to stay inside my comfort zone. No growth, no pain, no progress.

Well...guess I've got to choose what I should do in my time here on earth.

As my passenger said, "I saw my life flash before my eyes." Yeah, maybe I should try to get more sleep and pay attention to the drivers that don't stop at stop signs. Well, it was Chinatown, but still man, the guy driving wasn't Chinese, he was Caucasian.

Anyway, nobody got hurt and nobody crashed into anybody else...so I'm lucky.

I was thinking of someone else who got hurt in a car accident and was paralyzed from it. It wasn't his fault, but he paid the price for someone else's mistake. Anyway, he is such a great guy and has so much talent, but he can't do that now anymore...and I wonder, why is there senseless things happening? I don't have the answer...but I can only hope that God will do something great for him.

Reminds me that I could be here one moment and gone the next...what will I say to my maker when I meet Him? And what will He say to me? I don't think that He'll say, "Well done good and faithful servant." Anyway, to the guy who got paralyzed though, I can honestly say that I do think that God will say to him that phrase.

Do I trust that God can do great works in everything...for good? I'm reminded of the senselessness of things sometimes and as of right now, my mind is numb. I don't know if believing means letting go of reality...in the sense that the times that I prayed...in the serious cases, I believed that something good would happen and that people would be healed, but it didn't happen. Was my faith too little? Or did God say no? I guess I'll never see what God sees in the world, because He sees everything and is constantly working. Me on the other hand, what am I doing for the Kingdom? Maybe I should try to make it to church and hear a word from God so that I can be part of the body instead of this island in the middle of nowhere...Anyway, I'm off topic again...

So yeah...I never expected to live long anyway. But maybe there's a higher chance of that happening. We'll see...

Monday...what's new? It seems like I have very little time to myself lately...I guess that's a good thing in its own way as I'm not being a nerd and staying home all the time.

Anyway, I should probably read the Harry Potter book 6 before everyone reads book 7 and the ending is spoiled somehow...man, I love those books, but I haven't read book 6 yet.

Well...it's late...I'm tired...I want to sleep, but should get some things done first. I'm not sure exactly what is going to happen tomorrow, but maybe I should get some sleep and be prepared for tomorrow.

I was lucky today as traffic was really good as it usually is on Mondays. Tuesdays through Thursdays however suck.

Anyway, I was thinking about the camp for a little bit today. I don't know what to say...the lessons were good reminders for me to follow God, but I'm thinking, do I really trust God? (deleted)

Anyway, fire...was on one of my friend's notes. Seems like that's a common theme with God. But still man, it burns...

That song, Lord light the fire in my soul...or some song like that...one line is, "Lord won't you burn away the dross, light the fire in my soul." Something like that. Anyway, I've jumped out quite a few times because i couldn't stand the heat, but we'll see...it seems like if I can endure long enough, then things will be alright for that moment. Anyway, I'm pretty weak now...but hopefully someday, I can be the person who God created me to be.

Malachi 3:3

I don't have much time to write, but yeah, had a soccer game this past night. Went pretty well. One of the guys was leaving to go back to school, so this was his last game. Went to happy hour for cheap food to celebrate. Cheap, but good food.

Anyway, he's a good guy and I know that he'll do well in life.

I missed church again, but what's new? It seems like I'm just not motivated to get up. Why is that? And why the heck do I just want to sleep in so much? I mean, it's almost 12am right now and I'm still up but I'll most likely get up in time for work tomorrow. What is it that I just don't want to do? Anyway, probably in my subconsciousness somewhere that I have a reason why I don't want to go to church.

When I think about it, I think that sometimes people just don't know who I am and I kind of wonder if they have negative feelings towards me or something. Maybe I scare them with my randomness or inconsistent talk. But when I think about things...I could use that as an excuse to stay home, but I have more reasons to go rather than stay home. It seems that the negative is a very powerful force in my life that stops me from experiencing what is good. Maybe I need to just grit my teeth and step in the discomfort zone.

Anyway, I'm most likely going to be tired tomorrow, yet I'll most likely wake up to get to work on time. Hmm...maybe I should pray about making it to church on time.

Anyway, one last thing...the children's camp leader emailed me an email saying that I was one of the kid's favorite teachers. I'm kind of baffled at that, because I really didn't talk to the kid that much. Maybe it was me leading worship and doing the song "making melodies." But I kind of wonder if he got my name mixed up with one of the other teachers. heh. Anyway, it was a nice email and a positive thing that really brightened up my day/night.

Really, regardless of whether people are nice to you or mean to you, they are still people and as Jesus said here basically you've probably heard this before, but it goes by saying, "Treat people the same way you want them to treat you." As people have really been nice to me in the past when I've been terrible to them, I can understand that anybody can change if someone is praying for them or asking God to be part of their life. Not saying that you should have contact with people like that, but saying that yeah, pray for those who persecute you so that you may be sons of your father who is in heaven.

With kids, it's a little easier to do that, because they're still innocent and they may not know any better. But with adults...it's been tougher for me, because they are my peers and it hits home when some may not like me. But I know that whatever happens, whether we are friends or not in the end, we are still related to one another (adam and eve) and we're all here for a purpose. Got to forgive and forget. But if it hits too hard and too close to home, that I should tell them about it in a way that is not accusing or condescending...hard I know... God values them and me though and is a God is relationships. Anyway, I know how to do this, it's just that other people may not. But then again, we're all at different stages in our lives.

Anyway, enough babbling for tonight. Got to go to work tomorrow. Heh, as I was looking over these last few sentences, I wrote, "God to go to work tomorrow." heh

Anyway, I'll try to make it to church next week. But we'll see. It might be another struggle to get out of bed. Maybe if I exercise, I can wake up easier...

As of right now, one of my friends is having a farewell party because she's going to Japan to teach English for a year. I'm wondering if I should be selfish and stay home. I kind of don't want to go, because I've had little time to myself lately. But I know that it would be good to go though...to show my support for her and talk to her about Japan a little bit.

Anyway, I know that she'll have a great time. But I also know that it may be tough for her, because she probably doesn't know the Japanese language that well. I struggled in Japan because of the language barrier. I have more respect now for people who come to foreign countries because things are different from their home country and that is a cause of friction. It also doesn't help when the natives are not very friendly either...but as I've experienced, generally, people in Japan are okay, but there are few exceptions...

The previous statement is true wherever you go. There are some decent people in places, but there are also some people who may not be so great. I only hope that she'll be okay through her time there. It's pretty safe for the most part, but yeah, you can't be naive in the big city as it could be dangerous in some areas. But generally, Japan is safer than here in the US.

I think that I became more secure in my time in Japan as I've started to care less about what other people think and care more about being me. Yeah, I'm a dork, but whatever...anyway, that's not the point. I'm okay with myself and that's the most important thing to me in terms of my self image. I know that people will have problems with me, but I'm sure that if they knew who I am, then they'd find reason to like me. But then again, I've had some experiences where I just don't mix with other people. Don't know why, but maybe it's that I just speak babble all the time and am not very coherent. I guess I do scare people from time to time.

Anyway...

I'm thinking to myself...man...I need to go to sleep, but I want to play FFXII...I do have to film a soccer game on Sunday, so maybe I should go to sleep so I don't feel so bad on Sunday. Oh well...maybe I should be a better friend to my friend since his reputation in film is on the line because of him hiring us as contractors.

Oh well...

Man, I'm so tired...

I want to play video games this weekend. I wrote some stuff, but I deleted it because it was too personal.

Anyway, lots of things have been going on. I haven't really had time to relax all that much. And as seen by the time on this blog, (I like to keep the time accurate,) I'm up late again.

Anyway, I'm wondering exactly what purpose I have on earth. I keep on thinking that I'm never going to find it just sitting here. Maybe I should serve somewhere. One of my friends suggested serving at the children's ministry at my church. While that sounds good, I wonder if I should help at all. I mean, what can I offer these kids? I guess just being there may mean something to them...

Anyway, I want this week to end so I can rest. Anyway, I probably should get some sleep...but I feel like I just want to waste time and just sit here.

Nothing interesting I'm going to post. Interesting things have happened, but they're too personal.

Anyway, one note, I watched Team America at work today. I'm like...some parts were funny, but it was so wrong and I cannot recommend this to everyone. I will not watch this again. Some things, a puppet should not do. My friend said that he still has bad images of that movie...and yet he showed it to me. But overall, some of the humor was pretty good. One of the main characters was disguised as a terrorist and his buddies didn't know that it was him, so they were shooting at the runaway vehicle. He was yelling from the runaway vehicle, "it's me! it's me!" he didn't want to be shot. Then his friend that was chasing in another vehicle was looking through the binoculars said, "It looks like one of the terrorists is saying, 'kiss me! kiss me!'" His partner said, "that punk! lets get him!" Okay...maybe I should raz him next week about showing me that movie. Anyway, I kind of wonder if it was wise to watch that while I was working...as I laugh pretty hard and it's heard throughout the compound. Anyway, that movie is not recommended.

Anyway, I sucked at filming the past couple of times. We were filming a soccer team and I kind of wonder if I'm letting my friend down by not being on top of things. Luckily, I didn't havec to do much filming. They wanted close up shots of the player's faces, and one of my shots had the player in the bottom right corner of the camera screen. Generally, you want the player in the middle of the screen, unless you're leading them when they're dribbling the ball. Anyway, maybe I should try to go to sleep.

Man, I've been really busy lately.

So i was searching last night on google my blog name and found some other people with the same name as my blog. I guess it's not an uncommon name as many people can say that they're here for something.

Anyway, why I chose this name was that I wanted to show people that I do have a purpose here on this earth and that I'm not just an empty person. I always wanted my life to count for something...but I found that it's so easy to just ride the waves than to really make any impact.

I don't know why I'm here on this earth or what reason God had for creating me, but I know that we all have our purposes in life. Some are to make a name for ourselves or fame or fortune...or even little things like helping the old lady carry her groceries or take out her trash. But if you get on track with the most important thing..."being obedient to God" and living for His purpose, then you'll experience what life is about. And I feel like I'm just not a good witness or that I don't really reflect Christ all that well. Maybe I should stop worrying about that and just go out there and try.

Part of me is feeling that I'm just not equipped right now, because I haven't spent that much time with God lately...as I've been finding that once you start working full time, you have very little time left...unless you sacrifice sleep...which I wouldn't recommend especially if you drive to work...which most of us do. Anyway, it's almost midnight now and I'm rambling on.

Part of me says to stop procrastinating and just do the things you need to do. But the other part of me wants to relax and just waste time...I don't know why the heck I want to waste time, but just thinking to myself has been part of my life for awhile now.

Anyway....

A question asked me today was, "what were you doing today?" As not making it to church, and seeing everyone for a birthday dinner, it wasn't too hard to explain...anyway, I overslept again...and I didn't want to open my eyes at all. I slept for quite awhile...until noon.

The night before, I filmed a soccer game and my filming really sucked. My friend asked me if I got enough sleep the night before, and I thought that I did, but I guess not. I went to sleep around a good time and woke up late...but yeah, maybe the week built up on my tiredness. Anyway, I'm thinking that I probably need to exercise.

Anyway, as it's pretty late now, I should go to sleep.

I'm wondering exactly what the heck is going on. But anyway, probably nothing...

I'm seeing that definitely there are some things that need to be done. And that the need is great. There's so much going on...I kind of just want to sleep. I didn't believe them when they said that there would be less time when I got a full time job, but as it happened, I'm strapped for time.

Anyway, I guess that's what life is when you reach the real world. I've been so sheltered and I've seen that really this world is in need. But as I've learned, it's not so much about the world that I need to be focused on, but really glorifying God in my own life and that doing what I do should be done because of what God did and for God. But still, I struggle with choosing the right things when nobody is looking.

Anyway, I need to sleep...

When I think about all the crazy things that have happened recently in the world, I kind of wonder...

Anyway, it makes me wonder why I was created? Why the heck are any of us here? But the fact is, we're here. Anyway, I've got to sleep.

I watched half of Bridge to Terebithia (spelling?) tonight on DVD. My dad got it off of Netflix. My mom really wanted to watch that movie, I'm surprised that he didn't wait for her to come home.

Anyway, I remember it being a really good book. I read it when I was kid...but yeah, I didn't understand a lot of the things the author wrote about at the time. Maybe it was good for me to see the human side of everyone at such a young age. But then again, I really didn't understand it or really remember too much about the book besides the ending. When I finished the book at a young age, I talked to my mom about it and she explained some of it to me. I'm not sure, but I might have ruined the ending for her. Anyway, good story...

When I think about things going on in the world and at home in this city...I know that so much crap happens everyday...and I'm helpless to do anything about it seems...I used to pray a lot...especially for people who had cancer...and I heard reports of all of them finally dying...except one...

I used to think that it's good for them to be in heaven...but then, I really don't know about...I'm not sure what I'm talking about...but I wonder why is it that things happen...why is it that so many good people have these terrible things happen to them? And I think...why is it that I'm still here...someone who is not that great compared to all the rest that have these trials?

But then again...I want to believe that God has good plans for all of us and can use anything for the greater good...but it seems to me that a lot of things that happen are senseless.

This past Sunday, I made it to church...I actually woke up at 9am. Church starts at 9:30. heh. I went a little late...the people at the door greeted me and said, "Jon you're early!" "No, I'm late..." I replied. "Church starts at 10 today," she said with a smile.

The pastor gave a message about "where was God when the bridge collapsed? Where was He?" I forgot most of the message as I was sleeping during service...but one thing that stood out to me was, "He was right there with each one of them."

I know that God exists as I've seen things happen that can't be explained except by God orchestrating them to happen...I can't explain the wrong things that happen in this world...except that it does happen and God is not alone...

I want to believe that whatever happens, things will be alright. Whether it happens to me, someone I know, or my family...but part of me knows that things may not be alright...unless I and others depend on God.

I don't believe that God has malicious intentions for us. But I know that He allows some things to happen...

I don't know what to do anymore...except pray...I know that it really shows one's faith when they are the source of encouragement when they go through trials...I can only say that it's because of God that people are like that.

Anyway...I've been babbling some more....

I like to think in the car. It's one of the few places that I'm alone...that, my room, and the bathroom.

Anyway, tonight everyone was a little on edge. I don't know why, but maybe it was just a long day for everyone.

Anyway, I kept on thinking about church tomorrow after one of my friends said that they'd call me tomorrow (today) to wake me up for church. I kept on thinking...my relationship with God has dwindled quite a bit. Then I thought, "Who's fault is that?" Mine of course. God does everything He can to reach out to me, but I felt like I abandoned Him in Japan.

Anyway, I've come back different and not as good as I once was. I keep on thinking that I don't belong with God or in His family...everyone is so great and I'm just someone who is kind of there. I do see some people in the church that could become better people, but who am I to judge when I myself do not do so well. I know that we're all imperfect and we all will fail...but yeah, it's not out of our reach to become better people...especially if we follow God and His word.

Which is why I feel like I'm just not really following God right now. I mean, I try, but it seems like I'm spending so much time just doing what I want to do instead of what's good for me.

Anyway...it brings doubts in my heart about whether or not I should help out at this year's kid's camp. Will I be a bad example? I don't know...but yeah, one thing about serving is that you always need to have that relationship with God and the relationship with your team.

As one of my friends pointed out about serving alone in a ministry at church..."doing ministry by yourself is a crappy model." He is getting burned out as he's the only one who helps out with the homeless feeding. No other leader or consistent person has come to step up to take some of the burden off. I've thought about taking up a leadership role in that, but then I think about the frustrations that he would probably have if I were the one serving with him. And I think about how I probably wouldn't have any ideas as to how to reach out.

Anyway, another thing that crossed my mind was that, "if I don't have a living relationship with God right now, then what makes me think that I can serve in this ministry?" It's been very inconsistent in my times with God. Not to mention that I haven't gone to church in awhile.

Anyway, late night ramblings when I should be sleeping.

If I make it to church tomorrow, then that will be good. But if I don't, then that will be bad. I know that God does use our time at church...but that it's not to feel better or only to fellowship, but to get together and be equipped to go out into the world.

There is some things that I should be part of in the church...especially reaching out to the Japanese exchange students that have been eating lunch with us. But man...I don't know why...but I really don't like the restaurants that we eat at sometimes...I guess I'm more of a casual eater than a nice place type of person. Plus I really don't care for expensive food...especially when it's not my type of restaurant. But I go and it's about being with people rather than the food.

But still, I am really different from everyone in the group...except for one guy...who's a nerd like me. heh. Anyway, in Japan, I learned how to choose what I want to do and not be unhappy...while that's good, I feel like maybe that's not always good. Sometimes it'd be good to go with the flow sometimes...but still, I know that I need to make my own decisions and not let someone else do the thinking for me.

Anyway, whatever...

Brave Story for the psp

I have the Japanese version of this game, because I thought that it wouldn't come out for the psp here in the US. Anyway, I haven't opened it yet, because I wanted to read the book before I started to dive into it. But yeah, Brave Story is apparently a good story written by this Japanese author. I'm having trouble reading the book as there is a lot of vocabulary in it and I can't totally understand everything in terms of the grammar and how people talk.

Anyway, if you're interested in the psp game, you can find it on ebgames here.

If you want to check out the trailer, you can find it on gamespot found here.

Anyway, I've been playing Final Fantasy 12, the Japanese version I bought in Japan. It's been good so far, but I can't understand everything in there, so I just glance over the stuff I don't understand and read the stuff that I do understand. I can get a jist of what's going on though, so it's good up to a point.

Last night, I fell asleep while I was playing the game. Granted it was 1am, but how often does that happen to anyone? I at least usually am able to make it into bed, but this time, I was so tired that I quit my game, laid down for a couple seconds, only to wake up to the introductory screens and music that I heard for about 1 hour while I was dozing. Yeah, I left my ps2 on.

Oh well...

One conversation went like this today.

I went outside to walk the dog and I see the mailman driving toward our mailbox holding a white package in his hand.

"What the heck Jon?"

"What?" I reply. I didn't look at the box as the mailbox was blocking my view.

"Aren't you a little old for Harry Potter?"

I've been a Harry Potter fan since 1999 when I entered college. I mainly started that book because I was going over it with one of my friend's friends from Japan. Very hard book for Japanese people, because there's a lot of vocabulary in it.

Anyway, it was in a white box...different from the regular brown boxes from Amazon. Specifically made for this book.

I still have to read the 6th book, but a lot of it was spoiled for me yesterday at work by someone who already read the book. So now I have to read this book (#7) really quick before she does. Man...why the heck do people always like to tell other people about the plot storyline? grrr...

So yeah, maybe I'll try to spend some quality time with this book over this week...but most likely, she already read the whole book last night when it came out.

It has been somewhat of an unproductive week this past week. Man, I'm so tired...

Anyway, it was a combination of a lot of things. I'm just glad that I have this weekend to recover.

I showed up late to work almost everyday this past week...except Monday I think...Craziness started on Monday...

I have to pick it up next week, or else I could be looking at unemployment in the near future...we'll see though...

Anyway, I am glad that this week is over...as I feel so drained...

My dog has been waking me up at 5am almost every morning. So I'm not sleeping very well...and he's interrupting me when I'm getting my best sleep. I really don't know what to say...maybe I won't get a dog in the future, unless I get married and have kids. It's always good for kids to have a pet of some kind, unless they're allergic to animals. Dogs and cats are good companions and can make things a bit better for anybody. But it takes responsibility and a lot of patience with taking care of a pet. Or else, the pet could die.

It's not as simple as it sounds...as my dog could take around 15 minutes to 45 minutes for his walk. And waking me up at 5am to go outside is not helping me to wake up on time. I'm very tempted to yell at him, but I never yell at my dog or anybody in general...but he's trying my patience, especially when I'm really cranky.

I don't know how to take care of a dog besides how my parents take care of him. Chow chow dogs are really high maintenance, or at least my dog is. I think we raised him as a spoiled dog, but he does have a good spirit in him. All I know is that he doesn't listen to me as he usually does to all of us in our family. But we all love him.

I'm looking forward to playing video games this weekend. I should really try to beat some of my old games that I played halfway through. But most likely, I'll try to start up the FFXII that I bought from Japan and stopped, because I couldn't read all the characters. Hmm...maybe I should postpone that and read Brave story...man...that book gets me really frustrated. But I think that it'll help me to understand Japanese even better. Yeah...so Brave story this weekend...

Oh yeah, Brave story came out for the PSP in Japan as a rpg. And it'll come out here in the US too. One aspect of a good rpg is its story, and Brave story as I've heard has that. But I still haven't played the game as I don't want to spoil the story for me. Anyway, brave story was also an anime too based upon the book.

I woke up today early...It's only 8am right now, but I need to be at work early today. Anyway, since I woke up early, my dog also woke up too...and when I took him immediately for his walk, he was really happy.

I guess I take it for granted that I could go to the bathroom at almost any time, but my dog has to wait until I come home or when I decide to walk him.

My dad likes to say that "animals are smarter than people." Animals don't judge people by how they look, and most of the time, they're pretty accepting.

Anyway, my dog has been a good part of our family for awhile. I think that maybe we should have gotten another dog to keep him company, but there's no way that we could take care of two dogs. One dog is a handful, especially our dog.

Anyway, got to get going...not sure what is going to happen for the rest of the week...but I'm hoping that I'll be responsible enough to get everything I need done done.

Sunday madness

So today, my dog wakes me up at 5am, so I walk him at that time...I figured, since he probably won't be quiet, I might as well walk him since I need to make it to church and stay up.

Today was both a good and hard day. I apparently made some people angry when I was going only 70 mph down the highway. It's 60mph, but some people were in a big rush and one even made motions to me to move into the right lane and got really pissed off. That sort of threw my day off, but I account my day going in a weird direction from my lack of sleep. Anyway, the people getting pissed off is not a big deal, but I kind of lost it today...

Anyway, I also saw Transformers today with my friend CA. I was expecting the movie to be better than it was...maybe I set my expectations way too high after hearing the people rave about it. But it is a good movie...really good action flick, but not too much in terms of storyline. I guess there's only so much you can fit into one movie...hmm...hopefully the next movie will have a little more storyline. But yeah, it was a good movie.

Anyway, my friend and I were one of the last people I know to see it. I think that in terms of conversation, I am not the best one to talk to about a movie. I think that I'm losing a lot of brain cells nowadays. But oh well...I was expecting to die at a young age anyway. Who knows if that'll happen...but yeah, it'd be nice to see what the world becomes later on in my life. Still...not liking what I'm seeing right now in terms of changes happening. But nobody knows the future and sometimes we've got to keep on plugging and moving forward.

Anyway, it was good that I made it to church...but still...going to church is one step, I need to take it several steps further.

I don't know how I'm going to do tomorrow, but I feel that things will be alright...anyway, people have their own choices to make in their lives, and so do I. I don't think that I'll be a person who will influence that many people...but definitely I need to know what is right and follow that...

So last night was a board game night...my friends played this game called Caylus...took them like 3 hours to get finished with it. heh. Anyway, they were already in the middle of the game when I got there, so I had fun playing this game for the DS called Osu tatakae ouendan! It's basically the game that came out before Elite Beat Agents. It's the Japanese version of that and Elite Beat Agents is the remake for the US.

Anyway, how it goes is, you're a male Cheerleading squad assigned to help out those who are struggling to succeed by cheering on the beat. If you haven't played it before, the game plays kind of like dance dance revolution, only that you hit the touch screen when the circles close around the hit circle. It's a really fun game and has some humor in it too.

What's cool about this is that you don't even have to understand Japanese to see what's going on...but it does help and make the story more interesting if you do. I have both Ouendan 1 and 2...still have to beat 1 though...

One example of one person or character that you help is this horse struggling to win a race. He's lagging far behind everyone else. But then the news announcer says that there's a thief on the track racing away with the money that people bet. So you have to cheer the horse on so that he's run faster. Depending on how well you do, the horse will either succeed at a cut scene or fail...basically two scenes for each cutscene...maru (circle), or batsu (x). Depending on how long the song goes, there could be anywhere from 3 to 4 cutscenes in each song.

Another point is, I can't seem to figure out how to reset the scores and erase all the data, just in case if someone else wants to play the game and unlock the things for themselves...and get their own high scores...so my two cents, if you don't read Japanese, then I'd suggest buying a new copy of the game. Or, if you know me and want to see the game, then let me know. But even if all of the songs are unlocked, you can still replay them, so it's not really that big of a deal...I still have to figure out how to reset it though...there must be some way...

So we went to Applebees afterwards and ate there. I think that I have to work on being nicer when I'm tired...I felt like I was really mean to the serving staff...ugh...I looked angry...

One thing that I learned from one of my friends was that tipping educate is that you pay the tip based on the regular price of the food, not the special price. So I think that the woman there was pretty happy with her tip. heh. Man, nice people there though...

Yup, they did it....Sony redesigned the psp and it is way cheaper than the original one I bought about 2-3 years ago. Man...that kind of sucks for me...but I do think that I got some good game playing time out of my valkyrie profile lenneth for the psp.

Anyway, if you're interested you can check out gamespot at this link found here. Or go to www.gamespot.com and type in psp redesign in the search...I found it on the main article page today because it's new news, but if you're reading this way later, then search for it.

Anyway, you can use your old psp batteries for a longer extended playing life...but you can't put the cover over it...Sony is currently working on a new cover for the old battery. (Taken from the article.)

I guess I'm content with my old psp right now...maybe I'll buy a new battery though...Man...maybe I should wait on buying a ps3 until later...Anyway...I'll most likely buy the new psp so I can play music at work...but still, it's pretty long and big to fit in my pocket.

With all the new touchscreen technology for the apple iphone and nintendo ds, I'm sure that Sony will create a new portable console that uses a touchscreen. Hmm...anyway...

I'm wondering exactly what it is I want out of life. I don't know what I want, and I don't think that I'll ever know. Some people say that life is a journey and that you'll see things on the way. The analogy of Jesus taking the driver's seat comes to mind...while I'd like to believe that God has great things in store for me, I do think that we're given choices to make when we're given the cards we're dealt. Choices choices choices...one of my friends told me that he makes a lot of sacrifices for the things he does in life. He's so busy with film projects for soccer camps or ministry or weddings in addition to ministry that he has to choose what is the most important thing for him. He's still single, so he doesn't have to worry about anybody else in his life. So am I too, probably for awhile as I don't think that I'll find a girlfriend anytime soon.

Anyway, some of us went to a Japanese restaurant tonight after work. Not a bad place...tried the Victoria roll...Fried salmon, monterey jack cheese and some other things in a sushi roll. Cheese always has an interesting mix to the sushi...I liked it, but it wasn't he best sushi I ate... Anyway it's nice to try things you haven't had before. Esepcially when they're fried. heh

I'm starting to wear down...my friend was telling me that sleep is important because your body regenerates when you get sleep, so to avoid sickness or even injuries in sports, it's important to get enough sleep. Yeah, I'm finding that I need to sleep earlier.

Anyway, been thinking more on my way to work...I think that from now on, I'll probably drive with the radio off...been more relaxing to drive when that's so.

Gotta be more responsible nowadays...people are waiting on me to get things done.

"Actions speak louder than words"

I babble a lot on this blog. I mainly get a lot of things off my chest, but I know that somewhere, unless I go out and actually do something...that's all it is...just talk. My life doesn't speak of what I've been talking about.

I've changed quite a bit as I've seen at my time at work. My old graveyard shift job kind of changed me in some sense, but I think being in Japan also did that too. Both were great experiences, but I think that maybe not spending enough time with God and not being grounded in the word kind of led me to pick up some things with my speech.

Anyway, I'm still the same person I was way back when, but a little different. I look at some of my friends who are living for God and see the results of their choices in their lives and it is good. But I look at my choices, and I see the results and I say, "That kind of sucks." Oh well...there are results for your actions and choices. And they will lead to different things in your life. I know that God can do great things...

God will let me choose my own life...but what I become will depend upon my faithfulness to Him.

Don't tell me what I need to do, as I've heard it all before...I know what I need to do...I just need to be committed to it and I won't get that from someone telling me what to do.

Anyway, I have choices to make still...my life is not over yet.

4th of July

Right now, a lot of people are lighting up fireworks in my neighborhood. I can hear the pops and bangs and whistles mainly all right behind my house from the neighborhood kids. And of course, the occasional ka-boom! I remember liking the fourth of July a lot when I was younger. It was nice to see something explode and to make bright lights. I haven't done that for awhile now...I'm thinking that maybe I'll just stay inside this fourth of July. I'm getting old...heh

My friends went to the park to watch the fireworks, but since it was pretty late (7pm) and there was 6 people in our group, and I didn't feel like going to the park...I decided to go home and be a lamer. I guess I could have driven myself and went with them, but I've seen the fireworks at that park for about 3 years now. Not too long, but I don't know...there's other things that I could do with my time.

I guess I've been leaving early and not spending as much time with everyone...maybe I'm getting old...but I can't stay up all night when I have to drive home. I can do that when I'm home, but I can't do that when I have a long distance to travel.

I live pretty far from everyone else. Everyone lives up north...I live down south...and I'm one out of two. The 2nd one since moving down to my area doesn't meet up as much anymore.

i feel like an odd man out after being away for a long time and also after not being able to spend time with everyone after church because of my old graveyard shift. They're good people, but I just don't feel comfortable there after they have spent so much time together. I don't feel like I belong there after some things...

Anyway, what I was thinking as I was coming home...was that, "You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family." I understand why people do not want to associate with me...maybe it's all in my head, but I do feel like people will never understand me at all. I'm not that different, but I don't say a lot and maybe that's why people just don't know who I am.

Anyway, the only people that I ever close to were my family...and maybe G-sak, because he understand quite a bit about people and me. Maybe GC too and CA...maybe Simo too. Anyway, mainly my family and my bible study are the people that I feel closest to...Anyway, I can see why people choose their friends carefully...time is the most precious thing you have and you only have so much of it. And most of the time people don't want to be around people who are downers. heh.

Anyway, back to my point, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family. They are who they are...when I think about the family of Christ, two types of families come to mind...the dysfunctional family and the close family. The dysfunctional family doesn't get along and doesn't know how to communicate and will not be a family that will look after each other and help each other.

The other one, the close family, I feel that it's not the case that just because you're Christian that you're accepted into the family...but that there is that commonality of Christ that brings us together. I've seen some people who claim to know Christ and yet are people who I feel don't know him at all. But regardless, Christ is someone who loves all people, and differences aside, will accept everyone no matter who they are, or what they have done. He'll meet you where you are without judging you and will let you be part of the family.

I think He's the only one who can do that, because He knows you already...whereas people don't know each other and like a brother who was separated at birth from another brother and raised by a different family, they'll take time to get to know each other and build that relationship.

Anyway, all that I've been told in the Christian faith is that it's about a relationship to God and relationships to people. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and strength. And the 2nd is like it...love your neighbor as yourself...That's basically what it is, a relationship with God and relationships with people.

I know this, but I have trouble doing this. I guess that's why we have the Bible...God gave us these words so that we can learn from Him and learn how to be better disciples and followers. I guess maybe that's what I need to put my time into right now...and maybe if I do that, God will help me to be a better brother to my brothers and sisters in Christ, and also be able to treat them as I would like to be treated...the renewing of my mind needs to be done everyday I guess. But yeah, it'll take some effort from me too...

That's why I have a blog...so I can think my thoughts out and really see what I need to do.

Yeah...so back to what I was thinking earlier...I believe that God really does love everyone, because He created everyone and knows everyone. They are part of Him...but the reason why we're here is ,(as I've read from a purpose driven life), is for Him and to know Him. And for friendships with other people.

Anyway, maybe I need to stop writing so much and start reading some more. anyway, kind of weird post to post on the fourth of July...but yeah, I think that it's good to think sometimes and let things off your chest.

Fable 2

I saw on Bestbuy pre-orders for Fable 2 for the XBOX 360...which led me to a gamespot preview which you can find on www.gamespot.com and by typing in fable in the search engine, or you can find it here.

It has some things about what the game is about, but has some interesting things that the creator of the game said. One of the aspects of this game is, "Unconditional love." And one aspect of it is found in a pet dog that will fight beside you.

Anyway, I don't like the facts that you can create families in this game and quite possibly, own every building in town if you have enough gold. While that's an A for freedom it kind of makes things a little ridiculous sometimes...I mean...do we really want some things in a video game that we all desire in real life? I guess some people do play video games to do things that they'd never do in real life, but call me old fashioned because sometimes I feel that we shouldn't encourage some crazy things in video games. But that's just me.

Anyway, parents, don't buy Fable for your young kids as it could encourage them to learn some bad behavior. heh. If I marry someone and have kids someday, I think that I'll sell my copy of Fable. I'd kind of like to raise them up on some cool board games that are coming out nowadays.

One cool store site that my friend emailed me was this one

www.housefullofgames.com

It's a home business run by a family, but since they have so much experience playing games, they know which games to stock. Anyway, check them out if you have a chance. The only thing that I don't like is that they use UPS shipping and that's really expensive...but at least if anything is damaged, you should be able to contact the website and tell them if anything was damaged and maybe get a refund...but I don't know. Anyway, one reason why a lot of people use UPS is that they have insurance up to $200 I think on packages, but don't hold me to that. Most of the time, packages are unharmed...but once in awhile, they get beat up.

That's true with any service you use, but yeah, if it's important to you or the customer, make sure you pack it well. If you have any questions about packing, check out this website...it's dhl's website. They have some pretty good tips on how to pack things.

Anyway, yeah, I'm still up...it's like 3:18 am and I'm feeling pretty good.

Late night babblings

I'm wondering exactly where the heck I'm going in life. I don't know where I'll be, but I feel that I could be like some of those guys I saw in Akihabara in Tokyo...40 year old nerds still playing video games. heh...well, I was thinking when I was there..."Am I going to be like that?" And I'm thinking....yeah...probably. heh.

Anyway, I'm thinking that I'll most likely someday go back to Japan to teach again...but this time, I'll go with a different company...I thought that maybe someday I'd go back as a missionary, but I don't really feel a strong passion for God right now. I'm kind of wondering if I would actually go on a mission someday. I don't think that I could survive being a full time missionary...I don't have that passion (ie long suffering for that goal.)

For me, I feel like I'm going to be in the working world for most of my life...there are some people who never hear the gospel there, but I don't think that I'll share it with them unless I really get to know them and they get to know me. I don't believe that people will listen to anybody about the gospel until they see your life everyday and they can converse with you about your life and see the goodness inside of you. I just don't know how to share the good news with someone, other than actually just building a relationship with them. I'm not one who is known easily though...

Anyway, I don't feel called to missions or vocational ministry...mainly because I wouldn't be ready for it if I were called...but I know that we're all called to be representatives of Christ...those who know Christ...and to show people that He and we love them. But I do have my doubts now...I don't know...anyway, it's late and I'm babbling on...

I think that I mainly keep this blog because I'm bored. I like to write and express what I'm thinking...but in real life, I can't really do that that often, because I am so random.

Today, as one of my friends was walking towards me, I poked him in the stomach with my finger like the pillsbury doughboy. Hmm...that seems kind of weird now. But yeah, I do random stuff like that and people cannot follow my thoughts as there is no trail...it's like I warp here and there in whatever I remember.

Anyway, happy 4th of July to everyone at home. I am glad that I have this time to think...but yeah, I probably should have went with my friends tonight to see a movie and go to the Kwik-E-Mart, but I didn't. I kind of just wanted to go home...it's been a long day.

Tomorrow, I'm most likely going to sleep and just enjoy the time I have off...I really want to play video games, but I just don't have time for them. One planned hour of video games becomes 4-5 hours.

Another note, one of the shopping malls in the nice area now charges parking fees I can kind of see why they would do that...there's almost no parking ever in that area and probably people use the mall garage as a free parking zone...but man, that just means more money down the drain to go out. Anyway, I should go to sleep...

Spending money...

I saw an article on MSN about how stores place their inventory and different departments and restrooms in strategic spots so that people who may not intend to buy a lot do. It also has a list of how to make sure that you don't fall into that trap.

You can find the article here.

I must say that whoever thought of these things is pretty smart and probably made a lot of money for his store. I guess I took those things for granted when I was growing up and even now. Impulse buys are not good.

So yeah, I was rested today, but I found that I need to eat before I go to work, or get there early and eat there. Yesterday, I didn't eat until dinner...I didn't eat breakfast or lunch...which could be why I felt kind of crappy today, but okay still.

Anyway, enough about work...

So the topic of this week has been Fable. One thing I like about the game is that you can pull off some ultra cheapness. If you get behind someone while fighting, then they can't defend and you'll keep hitting them in the back. Basically, one of the cheapest moves of the game is to use the slow time spell and just run around people and destroy them from behind. What's unfair though, is that if someone attacks you from behind and you're blocking, then you block it. I guess it'd be too hard especially since there can be quite a few characters on the screen and you can turn around fast enough with the mouse.

However...Fable is a good game...so far...in the game I've played 34 days and my character is at age 54. Apparently he ages every time I use experience points. I guess that's undestandable, but I wonder if my character will lose some strength when he gets too old. This game does seem to have a way with realism that can either thrill someone, or annoy someone. What's one mistake I made on another game, "knights of the old republic", I made my character too balanced and had a heck of time trying to beat the last boss. Apparently these realistic games are pretty realistic as it's true in life that you want to specialize in something and not just do things in mediocrity. I wonder if it'll be impossible to learn everything in this game and that I'll have to pick and choose what I want and leave behind other things that may not be so important.

True in life too...you have to pick what's most important with your time as you only have so much of it. I can understand why some people are left in the dust...it's impossible to make time for everyone...which is why I can understand why g-sak is always busy or why he doesn't tell people that's he's coming back. heh. I guess I'll need to make the same choices now...what is most important to me...

Anyway, I was thinking today about growth and being an adult. I feel like a kid still in many ways. I don't act like an adult in some sense and I feel very stupid most of the time, because I am not thinking ahead. Anyway, I was thinking that everything needs work. And to grow, I need to work on things gradually and make some good decisions with my life. What is most important to me? As of right now, I'm thinking that I might be single for the rest of my life. heh. I do not know how to act in social situations and I have not learned...but as my friend told me at my workplace..."You're gonna have to learn."

Well, it's 9:30 now...I should really stick my plan that I made two weeks ago and make time for video games only on Saturday and do what's important on the weekdays. Yeah...we'll see if I can delay my gratification and keep my sticktoitiveness. That word is not a word, but a lot of people use it. That's important to do...stick to it and be disciplined.