Sometimes I wonder...why did God save me all those years back? What purpose do I have here? I feel like a poor witness, but as my friends would say, "pick it up! Get right back into it!" It's not necessarily the successes that determine our faith, but how we trust in God and try to do what is right for His kingdom.

Anyway, late night rantings...I guess some things I need to do are to just get back to what I should have been doing. It's easy to fall...but it's harder to get back up and try again...but like anything worth while, you need to keep trying. You need to learn from your mistakes and make a better game plan for next time.

Anyway, writing about this doesn't seem to help me answer my questions as I've been thinking about this for the longest time on this blog.

Tactics Ogre for PSP

Link found here.

Definitely buying this game when it drops in price. I can't seem to get enough of strategy games. I'm not the quickest thinker, so I don't do well in RTS (real time strategy), or FPS (First person shooter.) But when I have time to think, then I can make some good decisions. Generally, most of what these games comes down to is learning what moves the computer will make when you do a trial and error run repeatedly throughout a multiple of saves and restores. Yeah, maybe I'm not smart in these games either...but at least I can get through a game over time heh.

Anyway, not much happening in my life now. Just work and trying to get through the day. We had a major cleanup this past day and man, it was a lot of work. I wonder if I don't keep my area clean...will I be fired eventually? And I know the answer is yes.

Well, it was a good lesson that I can be clean if I try. My parents always feel that they did not raise me right in that they didn't teach me how to clean up. This weekend, I'm going to try. I can't keep on living a messy life and I need to get rid of some of these clothes that I've been wearing for awhile.

Yeah, I need to clean up. I need to be a better example...

Anyway, life has its twists and turns, but I think in the end, do we draw closer to God at the end of the day, or do we keep on living our lives without Him. Cleanliness is next to Godliness huh?

Somehow, I've been losing my mind. I don't feel like I can handle all the things going on in my life. I feel like I can't handle being an adult...maybe I haven't grown that much in all this time I've been on earth, but it just seems like all these things are piling on top of me one after the other.

And maybe it's partially due to the fact that I'm not doing anything to help myself either. Being 4th of July weekend I found that I could be resting instead of staying up late but part of me just can't shake the feeling that I want to feel better about life. I want to feel better about being me instead of always feeling like I'm messing up.

I moved home from living in a house with two other guys, because things just didn't work out. As one of my friends put it, "I believe that some people just should not live with each other at all." they're good guys, but I feel that maybe God didn't want me there. I wasn't getting what I needed to get done. I wasn't doing what I should be doing. In the end, God took it away from me, even though I was having a lot of fun being there.

With my job, I feel that maybe God might take that away from me too. I feel that things are getting busier at work and I'm stressing out a lot with the workload of more work...some of it I'm not able to get done. I hate feeling like I'm a bad worker when I can't finish all my tasks, however it's not my workplace that puts those feelings on me, it's myself. In the end, I'm only human and can only do so much.

Anyway, today, I broke down and lost it. I felt like nobody cared and that I should quit this job. I felt so bitter and the events of life and work piling up and me being irresponsible just really got to me. I felt like I couldn't handle this anymore.

People at work kind of responded to me in some sense. And everyone gave some good advice...however, I still can't help but wonder what I'm doing there. What am I doing there that is beneficial for the company? I feel like I'm not doing anything useful there. I wonder what purpose I serve there, but maybe I won't know until years later down the line when I look back at what the company has become.

I wonder what I'm doing here on earth and what purpose I serve here. Part of me feels like I just don't know what to do. I mean, is life just to experience life and live it? Isn't there some more purpose to it than that?

Part of me feels lukewarm and that I'm a poor witness. Maybe I am...maybe I am. Wrestling with God is never easy, and one should not give up on life even when one gets kicked in the nuts. I guess that's the thing, when you wrestle, it's a struggle and you can get hurt; but you experience the living God who wants more for your life.

Maybe that's what I need to do. Engage and wrestle with God and people. What do I have to lose? I'm not living for anything important right now...and if I die, at least I can say that I tried.

Been awhile since I last posted. Just working...it seems like my days are not exciting anymore. Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting old. Well, time to go to sleep and get ready for the next day. heh

So lots of things have happened since I last posted. However, I don't have time to write about them all. Guess I'm finally getting sucked into the world and leaving the life that I knew in college. Seems like all I do is work, play, then sleep for a little bit, then start over again. I don't know what purpose I have here or if I am fulfilling my purpose here, but part of me thinks that there's more important things than what I'm doing now.

When I was in Japan I felt like Japan focused only on Japan. I kept on thinking about how much they're missing out on. But when I thought about it some more, the United States does the same things. We don't report news that's happening in other countries as much and we tend to focus on our own people. I guess wherever you go, people will focus on the people that matter most of them, or who they think matter most to the people who watch...

Anyway, I keep on thinking that there's a bigger purpose here, but I'm failing on seeing it. Maybe how I'm spending my time everyday has something to do with that. I wonder exactly why I was created and why am I here? I don't think that I'm going to find any answers any time soon.

Guess maybe the correct thing to do is to pray and ask for direction.

Japanese Language proficiency test Level 3 passed

So I found out my score today online about my test. I got a 70%. Not great, considering that I thought that I should know most of this stuff and I practically have seen all of it before, but I guess it's been awhile since I've actually studied Japanese seriously. I keep on wondering why am I doing this? Why am I studying Japanese? Why do I want to know this language so badly?

Part of me says, "for fun." I guess I do play a lot of video games and would like to play video games in Japanese. Also it'd be cool to understand what people on TV are saying in Japanese. Like those two guys, Matsumoto and someone else. Matsumoto is the bald, dark skinned guy. I guess that doesn't help much...so maybe I'll post a link here.

Anyway, Matsumoto is the doctor guy or the guy who first tried this medicine on this episode. heh. Anyway, be warned, it is crude humor and very Japanese style of humor. heh.

I want to learn Japanese for my future. I spent a good portion of my life chasing this dream, but I always wonder "for what reason?" Should I go on a mission to Japan? I don't think that now is the right time. Should I try to minister to Japanese people? I don't think so...Japanese people tend not to like me for some reason. I think it has to do with me not knowing the unwritten rules.

One of my friends told me of this book his wife read about an American in Japan. It talks a lot about the unwritten rules and nuances of Japan that most foreigners don't understand. You can find the book here or do a search on the book "American Fuji."

I just ordered it now and I'm hoping that I can learn a lot more about what I experienced there. It was really a crazy place to be. So many different types of people, yet they all seem to conform to one standard and criticize those who don't. Part of me feels sad for the kids that grow up there. It is a hard place to grow up in. If I grew up there, I probably wouldn't be alive today. I say that because I was in some of the classrooms in Japan and observed how things work over there. It is a place where you have to earn everything you get. You don't get anything for free. You have to deserve it to receive it. OR, you get something because your group did well or something like that.

Anyway, I'm still trying to process what the heck happened over there in Japan...and I'm not quite sure...I wish that I kept a journal of what happened. But maybe this book, "American Fuji" will help me to understand the things I didn't understand.

Empty post

So here I am again...I think a lot of the times I feel like I'm a complete and utter loser. I mean, what good have I done here? What good have I done in this world? I had so many hopes and dreams and did even most of them come true? No. They didn't. A few did, but life did not turn out the way I wanted it to.

I felt like I could accomplish so much when I was a kid, until I hit Jr. High. I never really did experience what everyone else experienced during those times. I was a loner, a nerd, an outcast. Sure I had some school friends, but nobody really who I keep in contact today with. I never did date, or go to a dance. I never really experienced how to be social and keep a conversation going.

Anyway, this is all hindsight and I can't change the past. But I have today to do anything I wish to do with it. Well, except the obligations. But still, what's stopping me from going out there and totally just being a winner?

I'm not quite sure what stops me. The sky is the limit and I could do or be anything that I wish to be. I think the real question is, how do you get there? Obviously you can't just become something overnight. You need to work and spend the time in creating that life.

Anyway, I have time to do stuff that could be productive...or destructive...or apathetic. I guess it all depends on what I want to do with my life.

Anyway, one friend of mine who amazes me a lot is my friend who is following what God wants in his life. He prays and seeks direction from God and tries to align his life to what he feels is what God wants. He reads the bible and tries to follow it. He's not a perfect person, as anyone knows that no person is perfect, but he is respected and well liked.

Anyway, he keeps on seeking what God wants to do in his life and what God wants him to do for others. I think we can achieve great things, or become awesome people, but really, if we don't follow the plans God has for our lives, then what are we doing that matters at all? If we don't follow what God would like us to do, then what are we really accomplishing? Not saying that God speaks to people directly through a voice, but when you seek out what He wants, you'll find that He desires to help those afflicted with illnesses, the poor, the needy, the orphans, those who are lost, those who are leading destructive lives, those who are broken, those who have been given up on by everyone.

Part of me wants to get involved with making a difference, but as of right now, I'm not ready. I don't have what it takes right now to tackle something big. But I believe that if we get involved in a small way, in whatever good we can do for God and others, then maybe we can see some of that glory manifested in other people's lives.

Anyway, for me, I've been kind of trying to pursue things that probably God doesn't want in my life. I guess actually praying and reading the bible lately has helped me to see again, what God wants in this world. Man, I forgot so much. And it's a command to remember what God has done in your life.

Anyway, I have a long way to go and I don't think that I'm going to get there anytime soon. But at least I can thank the people who have been praying for me. I think that I finally see that I need to align myself with God's will, rather than trying to make a name for myself. Well, wherever God leads me, there I hope to go.

Part of me wonders exactly what purpose I serve here on earth. Why am I here exactly? Why am I always wondering this? Is it because I feel like I didn't do anything useful or life changing for anybody that day?

I know that part of living is just going through the daily routine, but part of me wonders, isn't there more to life? Like the Steven Curtis Chapman song goes,

"There's more to this life
than living and dying
more than just trying to make it through the day.

More to this life
More than these eyes alone can see
And there's more to you and me
And there's more to this life."

Part of me feels like I'm missing the point here. I guess being human is being in community. While it can be frustrating at some times, it's necessary for us all. I guess I should make it to church this Sunday...

Anyway, I'm not sure exactly why I'm always going to struggle with things. I can't count on anybody to help me, because nobody really can or really does help me. I guess a few people have helped me, but the majority has no clue.

Anyway, it does give me comfort to know that God knows exactly what I'm going through. Every pain and hurt that comes, He knows. Even though He may let me go through these, I feel that He knows what's best. If Jesus went through tougher things than these, then how can we expect to have life easy if we are to be His disciples?

Buddhist thought says that "all life is suffering." While I agree that all life is suffering, I feel that there's a purpose behind that suffering. I can't prove it, because it would be like trying to prove everything that happens has a purpose, pointless as it may seem. But I do think that people are at different places and why they say things, or do things can be because of where they're at. I feel that despite where we think people should be, God knows exactly where people are at and loves everyone and meets them where they're at. Jesus came down to earth to be one of us 2000 years ago and died at our hands and was resurrected and rose into heaven...why couldn't He meet us where we're at now if He did that so many years ago?

Anyway, I write these things to remind myself of what I learned a long time ago, and to be more patient with people who may berate me or think little of me. Even though some may think bad things about me, I know that God loves me regardless of where I'm at and that He loves everyone. Do not judge and you will not be judged, do not condemn and you will not be condemned, forgive and you'll be forgiven. That seems to be the verse of my life as I always remember that when I go through struggles. Yes, I need to remember that more often and to forgive and accept forgiveness from others.

Anyway, I know that God loves me regardless of anything and I need to keep remembering that He does. His love is not conditional, and I know that I need to make my love for people unconditional. However, I won't let people walk all over me, because that's just not healthy. Sometimes people need a slap in the face to wake up of what they're doing. That's just my opinion and not biblical, but I do think that some people need to know that they're doing wrong. While the slap may not be the best thing, I feel that I need to express that they are doing unjust things.

Anyway, I'm a simple man. Maybe things will work out in the end.

So part of me wonders where I'm going in life. What am I doing with my life? What am I doing with my time? Why am I here?

I don't think I have a purpose anymore...I feel like I'm drifting without any reason to live for something greater. I mean, if I were gone, what would the world have lost?

Part of me thinks that we are all here for a greater purpose. But it just seems like my life fails to do anything to help with that greater purpose. I mean, how have I made anyone's life better? How have I done anything in terms of work to make my workplace better? What am I doing at home? Am I actually doing anything to help my parents to know God?

I feel like no matter how hard I try, things seem too hard to accomplish.

someone said that "it's a marathon, not a race." You have to be in it for the long haul. I kind of feel like maybe I just don't have what it takes anymore. I'm getting really tired of trying and nobody actually caring. I guess maybe I wonder if my friend was right...that maybe I'm trying to earn my way into heaven instead of accepting the gift from God.

Maybe I don't really understand it anymore. Maybe I'm just so far removed that I have lost touch with God and my purpose here on earth. I feel that so many people don't care about me or others in this world. And I know that we're not supposed to focus only on the people that do care about me and others, but it is kind of discouraging to find yourself caring for someone who doesn't care for you. And I give up sometimes.

I feel like I want to give up and stop caring at all and just care about nothing. That would be easier and that would let me stop feeling pain . But I guess you can't go through life caring about nothing, because you'd be causing your own pain in your loneliness.

Anyway, I'm just ranting about things...and I feel like I'm tired and I want to stop just going through life at all.

But I know that nobody can know how one feels inside except God. The only one who can help with that it seems like is someone who understands and can listen to you, or God who knows exactly what you're going through.

I could rant and rave about things, but it wouldn't help anybody. I know that I could spend my time feeling bad, and maybe I already have spent too much time feeling bad. But sometimes you've got to face the ugly truth and look at it, and if you don't like it, you can try to change yourself and your outlook and try to make the best out of what lemons life gives you.

I feel that nobody can make you do anything you don't want to do. They can punish you for not doing what they said to do, but it's ultimately up to you what you do with your life. People can point the way, only you can walk where you go. You have decisions with your life. This is not in terms of actions, but in terms of who you are, and what you become.

Anyway, I guess it is these hard times that really help us to become stronger. It's these times that really help us to know who we are at that moment. And it's these times that it's so easy to forget what God has done for you, and remember who God is. We're all human, and we all make mistakes. Sometimes you've just got to pick up the pieces and move forward with your life.

Sometimes you need to make God the most important person in your life and put things in perspective to Him and not focus on you being the center of the world, but Him being the center of everything.

I guess in all retrospect I have put myself as the center of the world for a majority of my life. Part of me wants to change that this year and to make God the center, because He is the center, but he allows us to choose what we do with our lives. Does everything give God glory? I struggle with that question, because I feel that sometimes God is not glorified all the time. However, part of me knows that all things can be turned to God's glory. In the brokenness of a crime or some addiction, God can reign through it all and redeem those afflicted. Part of me knows this, because I have experienced redemption. But cynical as I am, I am doubtful in this world.

Anyway, I had so much hope for last year, and I failed through it all. World of Warcraft took a lot of my life out of me. I guess it's all in perspective huh? Maybe the falling away will spur on a growth? Who knows...

Anyway, I wonder how things will turn out...yes, I failed, but I have another day to live and try to succeed.