New Year's eve

Well, another year has passed by and I'm feeling like I've accomplished nothing. I know that that's not true, but I feel like I haven't done anything signficant; that I haven't made any impact in this world.

I guess I should stop telling myself these things and focus on the relationships that I have now and how I treat everyone, including those who I may not get along with. I feel that I do take people for granted sometimes. I think that I've been treated well that I do sometimes take things for granted. I don't realize how good people are sometimes...the people that are good to me.

I've also been on the downside for a major portion of my life. I remember not wanting to go to school, not because of homework or other school related activites, but because I dreaded how I was going to be treated each and every day. It still is a major portion of how I feel about myself from time to time, and I think that it affects me today still. But it's something that I do battle with every time I go out of my house to where other people are.

My dad gave me this tape series by Jim Rohn. It's kind of weird, but I know that some things that he says are true and some things can be interpreted in the wrong way. But because of my faith in Jesus, I know that I don't have control over all aspects of my life, but do have some control over parts of myself. For example, my way of thinking, my actions, my attitude, my self image. One thing that I took from the first two tapes is that I need to tell myself things that are positive about myself, because sometimes, when you need to hear it, nobody will tell you it. You've got to tell yourself what you know to be true. And to do it in a way that will not beat yourself down.

Right now, my season of life is probably summer. I am not in any bad situation right now, but fall is coming and winter will be here. I need to use what I have now to prepare for those times.
When I look back on this year, I see that I have spent some time with God. Maybe 3 out of 7 days I spend time with Him for about 45 minutes. But really, I need to improve a lot more in terms of consistency. I find it hard to spend time with Him when I get so busy in life. Especially this past month, I've come to realize why people don't like the holidays sometimes. It's so busy that you get drained throughout this period. It's a fun time, but I think that I really should have spent more time with God in prayer and in His word. I guess what is needed is a balance, which I've had for a short period of time, but never a long period. For me, it takes not effort. I give a lot of effort, but focus. Oh well, I'm usually going here and there, so I don't know if I'll ever get that down again. heh

I know that I need to get up and walk again. As soon as I can, to start running again. If I don't, then I'll lose more precious time. What if Jesus comes back tomorrow? I think will I be like that servant who says, "My master is taking a long time in coming." Oh well, just got to stop talking about it and start doing something.

Church

Tomorrow, they want me to read a passage of scripture for the church service. Only they want it read once in English and again in Japanese. The English part, I'm okay with. But the Japanese part, I'm having trouble. It's kind of odd reading scripture in Japanese. I don't understand most of what they're saying and I don't know how to pronounce the words correctly, so it could sound like something else. But I think that as long as I read it, that things will be alright. It's kind of interesting to read scripture in Japanese, but to read it out loud, it's painful to me. I don't read very fast or well in Japanese, but I'm sure that they'll understand.

If I really wanted to, I could learn Japanese and speak it fluently, but I guess I really don't want to, because I am not spending time learning it.

One thing that could help me is reading books or comics, because they have a lot of vocabulary and ways that people speak. If I spent more time in those, or even playing the Japanese video games and looking stuff up, I would be a lot more fluent.

I could imagine time passing by again and the Japanese language proficiency test coming up in a couple of days. I don't want to be caught unprepared again, but if I don't do something everyday, then I know that I'm not going to be ready. Oh well...I've said this many times. Am I going to continue to be a loser all my life? Or am I going to do something to act like a winner...and achieve the results that I need.

Christmas time is here...Happiness and Cheer...

Whenever I think of Christmas, I'm reminded of the Charlie Brown Christmas Album with that song. It's kind of nostalgic, but to me, it feels sad. Maybe it's the chords and the feel of the tempo, but I think that it tends to cause me to think over things a little bit from time to time.

Maybe it has nothing to do with Christmas, but just how I feel like from time to time, I'm not feeling so good.

I think that one of my friends, GC, hit the nail on the head when he talked about the holiday lonliness. I notice it at my church sometimes. I notice that some of the older people seem like they're sad or lonely. It's not only during the holidays, but I think that the holidays tend to remind them of people that have passed away or how things once were.

I can relate. I could be alone in the near future, but I guess that's why I need to always be making new friends.

Something going through my head today was, "he who has been loved little loves little." And I thought that the reverse is probably true too. "he who loves little is loved little." I guess the latter is not always true, but it does strike a chord with me. I'm not talking about anything other than friendship right now, for those who might be wondering.

Christmas Eve...

I sung in the choir. I must say that I like singing, even though my voice is fairly weak and sometimes I can't tell what I'm singing because I can't hear myself with everyone else singing along. But it was fun.

There was a message. The message was about the shepards and the town of Bethlehem. The speaker said that it could be that the shepards were the only ones up at the time of Jesus' birth that they were able to witness this great event. The main point of the message was, "are we awake?" I'm still digesting it, but I think that it has been a recurring theme all this past year in sermons and in my own personal life.

Am I awake to what God is doing? Or am I sleeping and just missing out? Indeed I am sleeping right now. I'm in a slumber as to what God's doing and how He's moving.

In this video game called "Phantom Brave," there is one character that you can recruit who is a soldier. While the other phantoms are working hard to help you out in your mana or earning you money or experience, the soldier guy always is said to be "sleeping in the sun" while you were out, or "distracted by a shiny object." Basically, what I'm saying is that he's not a very useful character. I wonder how God views my work (maybe I should say laziness?) and how I might be missing opportunities because I'm just not paying attention anymore. There are great opportunities at my workplace.

Work...
I look at see that people don't hate me at work. I think that they're getting to know me a little bit more. And I feel like they're pretty good people for the most part. I guess they could say the same thing about me. But I feel like maybe I should be praying more for my co-workers and trying to care for them and their lives. Man, that's something that I don't want to do, because it takes a lot of time. I guess I have to ask myself, is it worth it? Is it worth being rejected? Is it worth the pain? Is it worth building friendships? And if so, how am I going to make it happen? I don't know anymore. I just know that I can't do this without God and the more time I spend without Him, is more time that I'm doing things on my own.

Rest...yes...rest

For some reason, this one song keeps going through my head. It's a choir song that we're singing for Christmas eve service called Immanuel. The line that keeps going through my head is, "If God is with us, who can stand against us. Our God is with us, Immanuel."

With Christmas coming I'm not sure how to feel about it. For some reason, I've felt like I've grown up and that Christmas has become like another day. I guess I'll see how I feel when Christmas eve comes along.

Work...

They put me in a different area yesterday. I don't know why, but I think that it has to do with me not doing such a good job sometimes. I picked it up today by changing how I think a little bit and by changing my attitude. Sometimes we can prevent ourselves from doing well. I think that I'm going to try to not be so cynical and see where I go. Building myself up instead of breaking myself down.

I tried to not care so much what other people think about me and to just do what I would do because I want to do it or it's good hard work. I'm not sure where I'm going to go in this world, but I'm here right now and I don't know where I'll be going next, so I should do the best job that I can. We'll see though where I end up.

One thing that I learned yesterday is that change begins inside. We're free to do what we want and think, but our attitude that we have or use can make a big difference in how we see life. I've been so concerned with what other people think about me that I have not been who I am...who I want to be. I've let myself fall one level down and I know that I'm better than that.

One thing that I learned is that since we're given the freedom of choice, we have the freedom to choose what we become. I know from experience that what you think determines a lot about where you go. I also know that sometimes we can't help the thoughts that come to our mind, because they just come sometimes, but we can counter them. If you're having trouble, I suggest seeing professional help. But yeah, counter that thought with reality and encourage yourself to do better.

I believe that we're all capable of becoming something great. It just depends on us. If you really want to become great, then you'll have to take steps, one step at a time.

Anyway, I'm no person of great knowledge about how to become a better person, but really, it takes a long time and efforts to build yourself up and others.

I had a rough day today. I admit, it was tough. I won't tell you the details, but it goes back to way back when, and comes to now when I am still a little anti-social. You may ask how I'm anti-social...it goes like this. Sometimes I don't feel comfortable talking, so I say nothing and people interpret that in their own ways. I guess I interpret other people's actions too...

Anyway, when I think about it, it was not so bad. I think that one thing that God reminded me of is that we're all human. When I look at other people, I see people who are not so different from myself. Even though we may not be on good terms, they have the same nature as me and I the same as them. One thing that came to mind during that time was that God loves them too. And He loves me too. I guess that's why I need to try harder to make friends. And even if they don't want to be friends, then that's fine too.

I find that life is going to tough for anyone. Some will have harder cards that they're dealt, while some will get other cards which will be easier. But still, nobody considers their life easy...or so I think.

I guess I'll always struggle with my past. It is a part of who I am. But I'm learning to deal with it. I don't know what lies ahead, but I think that I will do okay, regardless of what happens. It may not be a good ending, but nobody knows what the future will bring. I just anticipate the worst sometimes. hehe.

Hmm...well...I guess what happened today is not such a big deal. But, I think that this is just a reminder that I'll always struggle with the same things. Just like an alcoholic struggles with whether or not he's going to drink for today, I struggle with stepping out of my shell and trying to make things better.

It's kind of funny though...sometimes, when we know how to make things better, we don't want to do it, because it's not something that we're good at, or for whatever reason...probably because it's not easy. But, it's necessary to step out and at least try to make things right. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But even though things may not work now, I can't give up. I think that when I do give up, then things will go downhill again, like they did today. Do what's right. Accept that you can't change everything. And also know that if you keep on doing this, then things will get better slowly over time. I'm not talking about your circumstances, but I'm talking about your character. I guess doing things doesn't change you, but the attitude behind it does.

Funny how what you believe changes how you look at things.

I kind of wonder...why is it that I believe all these negative things about myself? Why is it that I believe the negative things that people say about me from people that don't know me that well. And why is it that I have a hard time accepting good things about myself?

I am reminded each time that while we were still yet sinners, Christ died for the ungodly. Paul describes how no one will die for a righteous man, yet for a good man someone might dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love toward us by dying for us while we were yet sinners and still are to this day.

If God can love me, a sinner, and everyone else who are sinners too, then why should I think any less of myself? I think that I dreamed that God loves all His children the same. I'm not sure if that's biblically correct, but I think that regardless of anything we've done or that people have said about anyone that God loves all people.

I think about where I fit in the grand scheme and I feel like I'm a piece of a puzzle that's off to the side; not in the right place. I'm not sure if I belong in Japan, but who knows. Not me. I guess I'm not sure if I really want to go to Japan. I've forgotten a lot about what Japan is like, but I have good memories of it. I just have bad memories of my experiences here with Japanese people. It's not really their fault either...I guess I shouldn't blame myself either.

Anyway, I don't know exactly why I had those bad experiences, only that my attitude changed after learning some things about Japan. It's not perfect as I thought is was, but I still like Japan. I don't know my attitude has a lot to do with how I see things and I think that I've become really negative for a certain period of time. But I think that things are getting better though...

I was thinking about Bible study all during work today. For some reason, that song kept going through my head. If you get the MP3/CD of "Cat and Dog Theology", then you'll know what I'm talking about. I'll call it the cat song.

Anyway, I'm seeing that I need to digest this and put it to use. Otherwise, I'll just go back to being a lazy Christian again.

One thing that kept sticking out at me was that we're here to glorify God and God's purpose for us is to glorify Him. One quote that I took was, "How can I glorify God in my job? Or when my boss talks to me in a rude manner?" Granted my bosses are great, but I should be seeking direction as to where God wants me to be and not where I think is the best place. I'm thinking that I should get a new job, but I should seek where God wants me to be. If it's here, then I will stay here until I hear otherwise.

Anyway, the author of Cat and Dog theology mentioned some things that are not good to us. In fact they're pretty bad things that could happen to us. But, he said that we should use all things, including those things for God's glory. If someone were to do that, then I'd be amazed at how strong their faith is, but I'm not sure if I could do that myself.

Anyway, I guess I need to seek direction and see how I can glorify God in my own life. "Worship is life. It is not a part of life." (Summarized by me taken from Cat and Dog theology.)

Holiday Beatdown...

Work is getting crazy. We're busy and getting busier with each passing day. I'm finding that still, there is a sense of humor that goes on at work. One guy was yelling at the top of his lungs like a sports commentator about the opposing football team beating our football team. HE...COULD....GO ...ALL...THE...WAYYYY...TOUCHDOWN!!! He got some laughs out of that. Yay! Their team wins! Our team loses! (I omitted the names...but it was funny because of the irony that might happen...)

With the holidays coming, we're definitely going to just get more and more busy. It's not a bad thing, but it's tough on the workers. Not so much for me, because I just scan all day and don't use my muscles that much, except to lift the scanner and hold it steady so it can read the barcode. I don't know if I'm going to be doing physical labor anytime soon, but who knows, they might change things around.

Japanese Language proficiency test...

I took the test yesterday and I must say that I got beatdown by that test also. They start out easy, then they get a little harder, then way harder at the end. I wasn't expecting to pass the test, because of how little time I put in for studying for it. I told myself last year that I would study everyday after the test, because I was determined to pass it this year. But that didn't happen...Why??? Procrastination. It will rule the world...someday... But seriously, I kept studying for awhile and thought, this isn't going to come for awhile, so why am I studying right now? Obviously, I forgot why I was studying.

This test is not so much a test of my ability as it is a tool for me to grow in Japanese. The test used Japanese dialogue in a lot of its questions. AKA, it used how people speak instead of just formal writing. It's useful...but, I'm finding that I have no idea how Japanese people speak sometimes. I might have to go to Japan someday. Now is not the time. But who knows what will happen in the future. I'm thinking a mission would be better than going over for a year to teach English. But who knows...I might go to Brazil if that's where I should be for the time.

I have no plans right now though.

At the test, one of my old classmates there. He's a pretty cool guy and I'm surprised that he remembered me. He didn't study for the test, because he was just trying to measure his proficiency right then. He told me that it's so easy to just watch TV when he got home from work and eat and then go to sleep. I know what he means.

One thing that he was venting was that he was asking himself, "Do I really want this? Do I really want to do this?" Obviously he does, but when it comes down to how he spent his time, he was wondering if he really wanted it. If you do want something, then you'll do everything in your power to achieve it. (Granted, I'm not talking about wanting people here. So get your minds out of there. You can't force another person to like you and sometimes it won't work. But there are lots of people out there...anyway...it's complicated...relationships...and I don't have much experience being the loner RPG gamer that I am. heh) Back to what I was talking about. If you really want something in your life, then you'll have to work for it. And I can relate to my friend in how I ask myself the same thing...do I really want it? Do I really want to be able to speak Japanese fluently? If so, then what can I do to make it happen?

I am a Japanese major and I can't speak Japanese. What does that say? It says that I just haven't been keeping up. My teachers and the material that we went over are really good, but nature has something that says, "Use it or lose it." Meaning, if you use what you know or use what you have in your own being, then you'll maintain it. Otherwise it will go away and you might have to practice some more to get to that level again. I guess I need to start running the race again...

One thing that I've been noticing about myself is that I've been degrading in a lot of ways. I can say that it's true if you don't use it, you'll lose it. I find that especially now that the Japanese language proficiency test is tomorrow, I don't think that I'm going to pass. There's just so much that I don't know that I don't deserve to pass. Even if I did pass, I don't think that I'd be confident enough to go out there and say that I'm this fluent in Japanese.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I have a lot that I need to work on. I also have to not be afraid of making mistakes and going out there and at least try to improve.

Anyway, I haven't given up yet. Must swallow my pride and try to learn by doing what I'm not good at. AKA looking like a fool. Yeah, I'm behind in some things, but if I don't go out there and try to use it, even if I do look like a fool, then I'm never going to learn. Swallow my pride and go all out. Easier said than done, but one of my former roommates said this to me. "Don't think." What I think he meant was, don't think about yourself or what you look like, just do it. Yeah...

I'm not sure if I'm going to pass, but who knows...I probably won't pass, but if you don't think that you can, you won't be able to. It'd be really weird if I do pass though...Back to studying...

Do I have a chance to pass? We'll see. I think that I won't pass this test, because I've been falling asleep while I've been studying. I've made some adjustments recently, but still, it might have been too late. Oh well...I'll study hard now. I don't deserve to pass, but I think that it will be good to take regardless.

What am I talking about? The Japanese language proficiency test. We'll see though...

I was thinking about what we heard in Bible study last night. We're going over this CD called "Cat and Dog Theology." Basically, it compares Christians with two different types of attitudes. Cat theology which is basically, "it's all about me and God is second." Or Dog theology, "It's God first and I'm second." Actually, the way it was put, Dog theology sounds more like we're not even 2nd, but I'd say that that's true that we're not that important. Don't get me wrong, we're all important to some degree, however when you think about it, in the grand scheme of things, if one of us were to die then life would still go on just fine. It may not be as good as before, but it is necessary to have change in the new generations. Sometimes, change is better than what it was like before. It just depends on the perspective of the person who's comparing.

Anyway, back to the thought of the day.

Cat and Dog theology...I'd say that I agree with the author that we're here for God's glory and God is not here for us, even though He is here for us. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that we're here to serve God and God is not here to serve us, even though He does because He is good. But yeah, when thinking about the sermon last night on my way home, I was thinking that I'm more like a cat theologian. I haven't really been thinking about God and His glory in my life. I was thinking more about where I'm headed in this life and what I'm going to do on earth. Thinking about the sermon, I found that these are really not God centered, because they're centered on me. Probably people who have been reading my blog have noticed this trend for awhile.

I'd say that what the author said in the introduction describes how I viewed Christianity. I heard it all before, but this finally made sense. I was thinking that being with God is just not going to Hell. But really, being with God means that you'll be serving Him and serving others. That will be part of what heaven is like. Kind of reminds me of doing a job, only that it will be something that will be joyful and not tedious.

Anyway, doing things for God's glory is what I should be doing. It should not be out of obligation, but out of love.

I'm finding that I know these things, yet I have to start practicing them. I'm thinking that after last night in some of my interactions, that I have to really work on my people skills. Well, enough talking about this.

Work...

Today, my supervisor actually made efforts to try to get to know me. He's a good guy and I think that I am not the easiest person to talk to sometimes...especially when I'm not feeling good. But I should really try to talk to my coworkers more often. I think that things would be a lot better at work if I made some efforts to talk to them. That's one thing that I'm going to work on this month.

I kind of wonder...what the heck am I doing on earth? I guess it's time to take control of what I do instead of letting things happen. Being active and not passive. Man, easier said than done...oh well, must remember what I'm here for...