Recently I've been feeling really stupid. I'm doing alright to other people in terms of what I'm doing, but I just feel really stupid quite often. Maybe it's how old I am and how I haven't changed since I was a kid, or just the fact that I can't grasp things as quickly as others. It does take me longer to learn things, but once I got them down, I can access them pretty quickly in my memory.

I guess it will take a lot more work for me to get to where I need to be.

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about the past recently. I was not doing well a long time ago in Jr. High school and High school. It really was God at work that brought me out of it. The one person I have to thank is my oldest brother who prayed for me throughout that time I was struggling and all the other people he asked to pray for me. I keep on thinking what I'm doing with my life right now and why I'm not remembering where I came from and what I've been through. I wanted to do something useful as an occupation where I could help people and change people's lives for the better. But as of right now, I'm just working and not doing very much other than my job. I know that I could do more if I got involved in church. Which brings up another thing...I went to my church retreat this past weekend.

Being at the church retreat this past weekend reminded me of how nice people at church are. I saw some old faces that I haven't seen for awhile. If only I could get up in time for church. I told myself that I would just go to church regardless of how late I am from now on. Even if church is over, I will hang out with my friends afterwards and drive up. So from now on, church every week.

Anyway, time is passing by so quickly that I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know why I'm here still and what purpose I have here. I have no direction and I guess the reason being that I haven't sought out and really prayed for direction.

anyway, I'm sounding like a broken record that has written this time and time again on this blog since 5-7 years ago. Maybe I should stop writing on this blog for awhile and start spending more time with God.

I'm sooooooorrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyy

This past weekend, I saw "Wanted." Great movie. I loved watching it. There was this one scene where the main character was getting chewed out by his boss and he was having an anxiety attack. His heartbeat pumped faster and things slowed down while he apologized his voice grew deep and went in slow motion. I'm sssssoooooooorrrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyyyy. Or so goes the scene.

Anyway, it was pretty fantastical and an entertaining movie.

Today was a craptastic day. It started out bad. I knew last night that things were going to get bad when I stayed up too late.

I woke up late....way late..and my dad came home from his golf game. He basically made me feel bad, again, for being late and also not getting the oil changed in my car. I skipped breakfast and went to work.

Work was not good as I wasn't feeling good because of not eating breakfast and just all the worries of the day ahead of me. What does everyone think of me in this new position? What am I supposed to do? What am I doing now? How am I supposed to find my guys I'm in charge of work to do? Man, I can't stand this music....etc. was going through my head that day.

Leaving for the soccer game early, I kept on thinking...what does everyone think of me showing up late and leaving early? Have I become like someone else in the company? I told myself that I don't want to be a bad example to the other workers and here I am just failing at that.

Anyway, at the soccer game, I couldn't concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing. I didn't feel good and I kept on getting distracted by what other people were talking about while I was filming. I was missing some key plays and not really doing my job all that well. I was shaky, and I was nervous and upset.

Anyway, there were a lot of worries I had today. I guess I need to learn how to deal with them and also to start the day out right. The things today are done and gone. Now I need to focus on getting my next day right.

The great thing about night and day is that each day can be different. We're told not to worry about tomorrow because each day has enough trouble of its own. And when I think about those words, I keep on thinking how I should make some time for God. I'm reminded that even though people will not like you or have problems with you, that God will always be cheering for you to do well and to do the right thing. And that there will also be a great cloud of witnesses cheering you on too.

So often I wonder why we can't get along in this world. But I know that we often come from different places and don't make connections. We don't try to make things right with others and we just view them with contempt or as a weirdo or some "other" type of person.

I know that God wants all people to come to know Him. And I guess I can't help what others do. I can talk to them, but I can't change them. I can only do what I can do with my life and my relationships with others. And if people don't like me, then that's fine. Nobody has to care about me. I guess this was a good thing to happen to me today. That I experienced such a crappy day.

It wasn't all bad. My friends were really nice to me and tried to cheer me up. I guess I could have had a better time in my time today. I could have been happier and I could have had some more joy. We all make our own sandwich right? We all make our own happy and sad times. It just depends on our outlook on life.

The story about you making your own sandwich...comes from this book about this gymnast or something like that. Anyway, it was in a movie too based upon that book.

"You complain too much. You remind me of this guy I used to work with at construction. Whenever it came to lunch time he would have this sad face and say,
'peanut butter and jelly again!? I hate peanut butter and jelly.' Everyday he would say the same thing.

Finally one day, we said to him, 'Why don't you just ask your old lady to make you something else if you hate it so much?'

He said, 'what old lady?'

You make your own sandwich in life."

Anyway, his point was that we can change things in our lives just by changing our lives in general. It's not always someone else's fault. I guess I'm making a crappy sandwich in life. Well...time to change.